March 11, 2017: Saturday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s ironic hosting a morning show. My dad thought nothing of getting up at 4:00 every morning. And I don’t think much of it either.

My last show was so funny that one guy almost laughed himself to death. But I’m okay now.

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME BEGINS THIS WEEKEND! 

Just a reminder – this Saturday night/Sunday morning be sure to set your clocks FORWARD one hour!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” –Ecclesiastes 7:8

In your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. — 1 Peter 3:15

God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ. — Acts 2:36

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. — 1 John 3:1

Thought: Some gifts are too precious for words and too wonderful to fully appreciate. The greatest of these gifts is that we are God’s children! We have been adopted into the Father’s family! Jesus claims us as his younger siblings! Even though the world may not acknowledge this, that condition doesn’t make it any less true. After all, the world didn’t recognize its Creator when he became flesh and lived among the people he had made. God’s Word, however, still proclaims the truth; we ARE the children of God!

Prayer: Thank you, dear Heavenly Father, for the incredible blessing of being your child. I know that I haven’t begun to understand all the glorious things this gift means. However, dear Father, I look forward to what I can learn now about what it means, and I joyously anticipate the day when I can see you face to face and fully know the meaning of this joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV = He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to end.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MARCH 11, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
288 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DEAF AWARENESS DAY. ***But then, if you’re deaf you won’t be listening to my show, so there’s no sense in my talking about it here, is there?

Today is NATIONAL TOOL APPRECIATION DAY.  ***Some (especially men) say it’s Tool Worship Day, but those guys usually have a screw loose.

1951: The comic strip “Dennis the Menace” first appeared in U.S. newspapers. His favorite drink was root beer and for years he always carried a slingshot in his back pocket. ***Forget the slingshot; he needs to stop drinking root beer – that could make him Dennis the Obese Menace!

Today is OOPS DAY. On this day in 1953 an American B-47 accidentally dropped an atomic bomb on South Carolina. Fortunately, the safety was on and the bomb did not explode. ***They accidentally drop a nuclear bomb and they call it “Oops Day?” That’s it? They could potentially kill thousands of people, and their reaction is, “Oopsie daisy… I’m such a butter fingers! My bad!”?

Did you know that Romeo and Juliet were real people? ON THIS DATE IN 1302 Romeo Monteveccio married Juliet Cappelleto in Citadela, Italy, and inspired Shakespeare to write a play about them. The real couple had never seen each other before the marriage. ***And in the true story, Romeo killed himself not because he thought Juliet was dead, but because he saw what she looked like that first morning with curlers and no make-up.

Today is DREAM JOB DAY. A day to think upon your dream job, confirm it’s still your dream job, and begin making a plan to achieve it! ***Me? My dream job is anything that allows me to stay home, sleep in, work in my pajamas, work when I want, and get paid at least $1,000 a day. Still searching. (See PHONER PHUN)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Dream 2017 Day
International Fanny Pack Day Link
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day
World Plumbing Day Link
Genealogy Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 12

Check Your Batteries Day
Girl Scout Birthday Day Link
Girl Scout Sunday Link
Daylight Savings Time Begins

MONDAY, MARCH 13

Donald Duck Day
Earmuffs Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
Itra-Uterine Growth Awareness Restriction (IUGAR) Day
K-9 Veterans Day  Link
Ken Doll Day
L. Ron Hubbard Day
Napping Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
*Smart & Sexy Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers Link
MOTH-ER Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
Potato Chip Day Link
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.) Link
National Pie Day Link
Save a Spider Day Link

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15

Brain Injury Awareness Day Link
Brutus Day
Buzzards Day Link
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter Link
Kick Butts Day Link
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day Link

THURSDAY, MARCH 16

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
Black Press Day
Campfire Girls Day
Companies That Care Day Link
Curlew Day
Freedom of Information Day
Goddard Day Link  Link
Lips Appreciation Day
No Selfies Day
St. Urho’s Day Link Link

FRIDAY, MARCH 17

St. Patrick’s Day Link
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence  Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link

SATURDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day
Corn Dog Day Link
BYO Cup Day (7-11) Link
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
International Sports Car Racing Day Link
National Biodiesel Day
Worldwide Quilting Day) Link
Play The Recorder Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 19

Client’s Day Link
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day Link
National Chocolate Caramel Day Link
National Poultry Day Link
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day

MONDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-in For Peace Day (Beatles – John and Yoko)
Great American Meat Out Day Link
International Day of Happiness Link  Link
French Language Day Link
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) 6:29 am EDT
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day
World Storytelling Day Link
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People Link

ON THIS DAY

1302: Romeo Monteveccio married Juliet Cappelleto in Citadela, Italy, and inspired Shakespeare to write a play about them. They had never seen each other.

1903: Lawrence Welk was born in Strasburg, North Dakota. He sold accordion lessons by mail before his TV show became a hit. The 16-year network show still thrives in syndication. His only hit record was “Calcutta” in 1960.

1930: The Intimate Revue closed at London’s Duchess Theatre after half a performance, history’s shortest theatrical run.

1945: Golfer Byron Nelson won the Miami Four-Ball Tourney, the first of 11 consecutive tournament victories on the pro golf tour. No other golfer has won more than four in a row. For all 11 victories, Nelson won barely $30-thousand.

1951: The comic strip “Dennis the Menace” first appeared in U.S. newspapers. His favorite drink was root beer. For years, he always carried a slingshot in his back pocket.

1958: A B-47 accidentally dropped an unarmed nuclear weapon into the garden of a family in Mars Bluff, South Carolina. The conventional explosives detonated, destroying the home and injuring six family members. The blast resulted in the formation of a crater 50-70 feet wide and 25-30 feet deep. Five other houses and a church were also damaged. The Air Force paid the injured family $54,000 in compensation.

1986: NFL owners voted to use instant replays for the 1986 football season. The practice was discontinued in 1991, then brought back in 2000.

1993: After he was robbed of $20.00 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, the victim asked for his wallet back. The nervous mugger handed over his own wallet by mistake, then ran. The thief’s wallet contained $250.00.

1994: Actress Melanie Griffith filed for divorce from actor Don Johnson.

1997: Queen Elizabeth II knighted rock musician Paul McCartney.

1998: The International Astronomical Union reported that a mile-wide asteroid could collide with Earth on October 26, 2028. The following day NASA said there was no chance of the asteroid hitting earth.

1999: Plymouth University began offering England’s first degree in surfing. School official acknowledged the Surf Science & Technology degree came from the same intellectual “mold” as Golf Course Studies and Car Showroom Management.

2002: England’s Plymouth University became the first school in the world to offer a degree in surfing. Surfing head Dr. Colin Williams said the degree in surf science and technology would come from the same intellectual mould as golf course studies and car showroom management.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

843: Eastern churches officially reintroduced and sanctioned icons, after an 89-year controversy that occasionally turned violent.

1513: Leo X is elected pope. His eight-year tenure, marked by gross excesses and immorality, would culminate his 1520 excommunication of Martin Luther.

1812: Fire engulfs missionary William Carey’s print shop in Serampore, India, destroying his massive polyglot dictionary, two grammar books, sets of type for 14 eastern languages, and whole versions of the Bible. Undaunted, Carey said, “The loss is heavy, but as traveling a road the second time is usually done with greater ease and certainty than the first time, so I trust the work will lose nothing of real value . . . We are cast down but not in despair.” News of the fire also catapulted Carey to fame, bringing in abundant funds and volunteer labor.

1870: The Martyrs Memorial, Smithfield, England is inaugurated. Many Christians had been executed at Smithfield over the years.

1888: Samuel Zwemer, who would become the Apostle to Islam, preaches his first public sermon — to an African -American congregation.

1897: Death of Henry Drummond noted for his popular Christian writings. An evangelical worker with Moody and Sankey and involved in other Christian activities, he scandalized many Christians when he said God created the world through evolution. Others, such as doctor Rendell Short, said their faith was established by his science writings. He wrote a wonderful devotional, The Greatest Thing in the World.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (American Beauty, Parenthood) Thora Birch, 35

  • Actress (“ER”) Alex Kingston, 54 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Chicago Hope”) Peter Berg, 55

  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia 81

  • Newsperson Sam Donaldson, 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Lawrence Welk

1914 : Art Todd

1943 : Little Johnny Taylor

1944 : Ric Rothwell (The Mindbenders)

1947 : Mark Stein (Vanilla Fudge)

1948 : George Kooymans (Golden Earring)

1950 : Bobby McFerrin

1951 : Katie Kissoon (Mac & Katie Kissoon)

1955 : Nina Hagen

1957 : Cheryl Lynn

1961 : Mike Percy (Dead or Alive)

1961 : Bruce Watson (Big Country)

1968 : Lisa Loeb

1969 : Pete Droge

1979 : Joel and Benji Madden (Good Charlotte)

1981 : Russell Lissack (Bloc Party)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Does it really rain cats and dogs?

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in 17th Century England. During heavy downpours of rain, many of these poor animals unfortunately drowned and their bodies would be seen floating in the rain torrents that raced through the streets. The situation gave the appearance that it had literally rained “cats and dogs” and led to the current expression.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Third Day member David Carr says the weather needs to decide if it’s winter or spring. He posted: It looks like winter but feels like spring here in Georgia. I’m ready for the weather to commit already!

Selah was able to cross two things off their bucket list in 2016. Members of the band posted a picture of their new wall hangings over the weekend featuring posters from their 2016 concerts at The Ryman and the Grand Ole Opry. https://twitter.com/SelahOnline/status/838062846688776192/photo/1

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is trying to set up her mom. She posted a picture of her mother and added: My gorgeous mother. She’s a fun person to travel with and find cool coffee shops with really great lighting. She’s loved by all who meet her! She’s also single. Don’t be mad at me, mom. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRMD19qjNq9/

Mercyme guitarist Mike Scheuchzer is a self described music nerd. He posted “This is almost too much fun”, sharing a picture of something called loopified reversification. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRNHVMQhO5z/

Mandisa says she needs to pray for humility. She says she just scored 100%, ranking her as a Musical Genius, on “The Ultimate Music Test”

People Magazine last week debuted Colton Dixon’s music video for “All That Matters” and talked with Colton about his first year of marriage with Annie. In debuting the video, Colton Dixon told People ’Marriage Isn’t Easy, But It’s So Worth It’. http://people.com/music/colton-dixon-debuts-music-video-talks-wedding-anniversary-marriage/

Girder Music has launched the first Christian vinyl subscription box called Redemption Vinyl at redemptionvinyl.com. Founder Greg Hays says “Redemption Vinyl was born out of the desire to help Christian music lovers find their favorite music and build their vinyl collections.” http://nrt.cc/RedemptionVinylLaunch

Mandisa says Psalm 139 is her go-to scripture when I need to focus on who I am in God. She posted this week: verses 13-16 are my favorites. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRJbHYxBKlz/

A technology suggestion from Mercyme’s Bart Millard: When will I be able to store my driver’s license on my phone. Seems like everything else is. Credit card, insurance card, family pics…

Mark Schultz was speaking his wife’s love language this week. He posted a picture as he took her car in for emission testing so she didn’t have to. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRJnhRSBwgw/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy! Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems! As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh is actually a retroactive Moment of Duh.

In Buffalo, New York, a city not known for championship sports teams, comes the story of Brian Armstrong whose frustrations finally got the better of him. Brian was watching the videotape of a 1999 NHL playoff game with his brother and he got angry once again that his team had lost. Keep in mind that he was watching a videotape of a game that took place in 1999… and he already knew the outcome of the game. No matter, he still got angry at his team losing and to take out his frustrations, he picked up the TV and attempted to throw it off the balcony. And now for the Double-Duh… he forgot to let go of the TV, so he too fell 20 feet to the ground. He suffered only minor injuries. The TV was not so lucky.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PROFUNDITIES

10. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

9. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

8. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

6. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

5. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

4. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

3. We have enough youth–how about a fountain of SMART?

2. All generalizations are false, including this one.

1. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! (Don’t forget it’s tax season)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

All bank robbers aren’t in it for the money.

FILE #1: Are all criminals in the crime business for money? Well, no – not if you consider the case of Donald Guthrie. Donald has been arrested for robbing the M&T Bank in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. Why did he rob the bank? Like I said, it wasn’t for the money – well, not for HIM that is. Turns out he needed pay off his bail bondsman which he owed money to from a previous arrest.

FILE #2: Prosecutors hoping for a witness in an Arkansas murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree. They sent out a batch of subpoenas for anyone who had contact with Albert Smith while he was jailed, including 5-year-old Murphy Smith — Smith’s dog.  The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the Shih Tzu’s name got on the witness list.  Prosecutors realized the mistake after the defendant’s brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were allowed.

FILE #3: While fortune cookies usually bring hopes of brighter things to come, they proved to be the undoing for 30-year-old Terrence Middleton who was arrested in Tulsa, Oklahoma for breaking into two Chinese restaurants. Police responded to a burglar alarm only to find Terrence with more than $20 in coins and the fortune cookies in his pockets. Hope it was worth it.

STRANGE LAW: A California law prohibits spitting anywhere in public. But you are allowed to spit on a baseball field. ***Now doesn’t that just make sense? If you’re all by yourself, and no one is looking, it’s still illegal to spit in public. However, if you’re on national television and millions of people are watching when you spit, then it’s okay just so long as you’re playing baseball.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Does a state have to have an official everything? One Missouri politician is looking to name a state beer.

Missouri State Rep. Curt Dougherty wants to make the “King of Beers” the official state beer of Missouri. He said Budweiser is a Missouri-based international icon that, if officially recognized, might even persuade more people to visit the state. His reasoning is, “We’ve got a state dinosaur, a state frog, a state reptile, a state flower, a state nut,” but no state beer. Dougherty’s bill was introduced last week but has not been referred to a House committee as of yet. Budweiser has been made by St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Inc. since 1876. ***MARLAR: Actually, they do have a state nut – and its name is Curt Dougherty.

PHONER PHUN

What is your dream job? Mystery shopper, opera singer, Disney tour guide? Maybe your dream job is just to cut the grass on the freeway. There are no wrong answers when it comes to a dream job… what’s yours?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was Joshua’s original name?

ANSWER: Oshea (Numbers 13:16)

QUESTION: What was the name of a leper who was also the captain of the host of the King of Syria?

ANSWER: Naaman (2 Kings 5:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What new dance style first started distracting pedestrians in 1984?

ANSWER: Break Dancing

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. “Star Trek: The Next Generation’s” Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s fish was named Shakespeare. (False – Livingston)

2. Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie, Psycho. (True – the scene took 7 days to shoot.)

3. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy. (True)

4. George Harrison, with “My Sweet Lord,” was the first Beatle to have a Number 1 hit single following the group’s breakup. (True)

5. In 1920, 57% of Hollywood movies billed the female star above the leading man. (True.)

6. In 1990, 18% of Hollywood movies had the male star above the leading lady. (False – 18% had the lady as top billing.)

6. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer’s name is Yeckim – which is Mickey spelled backward. (False, the sorcerer’s name was Yenside – which is Disney spelled backward._

7. George Washington grew marijuana on his farm. (True. And he promoted it’s growth. In the 1790s, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial value as hemp and for soil stabilization.)

8. Mickey Mouse is known as ‘Topolino’ in Italy. (True)

9. Movie detective Dirty Harry’s badge number is 2211. (True)

10. Eighty-three percent of people hit by lightning are men. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____-JAMMING GUN (SPEECH)

The Japanese have invented a gadget that painlessly forces people into silence.

Kazutaka Kurihara of the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Sciene and Technology, and Koji Tsukada of Ochanomizu University, developed a portable “SpeechJammer” gun that can silence people more than 90 feet away.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

She answered, “Miracle, schmiricle. He gave me a longer cane.”

JOKE #2

Fisherman: “Hey, pal! You’ve been standing there watching me fish for three hours!

Why don’t you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?”

Onlooker: “No, thanks. I don’t have the patience for it.”

JOKE #3

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

USELESS FACTS

Britain’s clergy are arming themselves after a report that a number have been assaulted. The Church Of England has decided to give their clergy Tai Kwan Do lessons. ***When Jesus said, “turn the other cheek” I’m pretty sure he did not mean “hit both sides of your enemy’s face.”

Surprising new research shows that people who walk their dogs don’t get as much exercise as people who don’t have dogs.  ***And I don’t have a dog right now, meaning that if I DID get one I’d actually get less than zero exercise.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIRD LOVER

A man bought a budgerigar from a pet shop on the understanding the budgerigar would talk. After a few days he went back to the shop. “It is not talking” he said.
The pet shop owner said “I do not understand, if he is running up and down the ladder he should speak”!
“He does not have a ladder” said the man.
“Well there is your trouble” buy him a ladder.
Two more days later, same man same shop. “He is still not talking”!
“Is he running up and down the ladder”?
“Yes”. Replied the man.
“Is the budgerigar looking in the mirror”?
The man buys a mirror! A couple of more days later and the man is back in the shop. He still does not talk!
“This is very strange” said the pet shop owner, the budgerigar runs up and down the ladder looks in the mirror and rings the bell?”
“But he does not have a bell” said the man.
“Well that is the problem, he is not happy without a bell” The man buys a bell, but the next day he is in the shop with the dead budgerigar.
“Did he say anything before he died” said the pet shop keeper. “Oh yes he asked if you sold any bird seed”?

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How good must the food be if even a fire in the restaurant won’t force customers to leave their tables?

Looking for the best food in all the world? Then head to Steve’s Soul Food Restaurant in Detroit. Steve’s food is so good that even a fire wouldn’t make his customers get up and leave. Fire broke out on the roof of the joint, more than 50 people were eating inside eating when the smell of smoke started to fill the dining room. But no one moved. Customers actually had to be coaxed out of the place by owner Steve Radden himself. Looks like the damage will keep the place shut down for a couple of weeks but Steve says he plans to temporarily park his catering truck in the parking lot to continue doing carryout orders.

  • PHONER: What food would you risk being burned alive for just to finish your plate?

  • PHONER: Where do you go way too often for lunch?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LET US INVITE

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.

She said “I don’t think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat.”

“Is the man of the house home?”, they asked. “No”, she said. “He’s out.” “Then we cannot come in”, they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. “Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”

The woman went out and invited the men in.

“We do not go into a House together,” they replied.

“Why is that?” she wanted to know.

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!”, he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?”

Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!”

“Let us heed our daughter-in-law’s advice,” said the husband to his wife.

“Go out and invite Love to be our guest.”

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, “Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.”

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?”

The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever he goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE BEACON

Read: Mark 6:45-52

He came to them, walking on the sea. —Mark 6:48

When a helicopter crashed in a cold, mountainous wilderness, the pilots survived but were seriously injured. The frozen afternoon stretched toward an even more freezing night. The situation seemed hopeless—until a rescue helicopter appeared, its searchlights illuminating the darkness. It spotted the wreckage, landed nearby, and carried them off to safety.

“How did you know where we were?” an injured man asked.

“The homing device on your aircraft,” the rescuers told him. “It went off automatically when you went down. All we had to do was follow it.”

The disciples of Jesus also experienced the joy of being rescued. They had been struggling as they rowed their boat against wind and waves in the darkness of night on the Sea of Galilee (Mark 6:45-47). Then Jesus came to them, walking on the water, and calmed the sea (vv.48-51).

We may experience similar times when all is dark and foreboding. We can’t help ourselves, and it seems that no one else can either. No one knows how terrified and exhausted we are. No one, that is, except Jesus.

When we’re trapped, hurt, lonely, or discouraged, Jesus knows it. Our cries of grief are beacons that bring Him to our side—right when we need Him most. —Dave Egner

There is only One who knows
All the answers to my woes;
He will all my needs supply
When in faith to Him I cry. —Morgan

Jesus hears even the faintest cry for help.

LEFTOVERS

We like to say here at (THE JOCK SHOW) that it’s a “No Cursing Zone” – but that’s just here. The rest of the town is still cursing up a storm. Wouldn’t it be cool if your entire town was a curse-free zone?

Are you tired of hearing people curse in public? If you don’t mind moving, there’s good news if you’d like a curse-free zone everywhere – not just on a single radio station. The community of South Pasadena, California has become a cursing-free zone. Under a City Council proclamation, those who use profanity or make rude gestures could find themselves shamed into better behavior by the unsettling glances of South Pasadena residents who take their reputation for a peaceful society, seriously. It’s now against the law there to curse or make rude gestures. ***MARLAR: Dagnabbit.

LIFE… LIVE IT

A PAIN IN THE BACK

If you have a pain in the back, you may want to think twice about having surgery.

…European researchers say that surgery to relieve chronic lower back pain is no better than intensive rehabilitation and nearly twice as expensive. After studying 350 back pain sufferers, they found that having the surgery made little difference compared to rehab, except in the wallet.  ***MARLAR: Although surgeons argue that after surgery your wallet is LIGHTER, meaning LESS weight for your lower back to compensate for.

JUST FOR FUN

A rural Georgia county is losing about 550 street signs a year to thieves and a commissioner says he has a solution: Make the names boring.  McIntosh County Commissioner Mark Douglas serves a rural county about 60 miles south of Savannah. He says signs marking Green Acres, Boone’s Farm and Mary Jane Lane are frequently stolen.  He suspects the thieves are targeting those signs because they share names with a popular TV series, a low-cost wine or, in the third case, a slang term for marijuana.  Then there’s the stolen signs for Harmony Hill. Douglas figures the thieves just like the alliteration.  It’s become a costly problem. County Manager Luther Smart says the area is paying $17,000 a year to replace the signs.  ***MARLAR: One other option is rename all of the streets (JOE BIDEN WAY) because nobody likes him anyway.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS HAVING A BAD DAY

  • For the third time today, someone’s come up and said he can’t all his eggs in one basket

  • His cousin, the Energizer bunny, kept him up all night with that stupid drum

  • Coffee stand said they don’t know how to make a carrot latte

  • At a TV store, someone tries to get better reception by grabbing his ears

  • “What do you mean, ‘You need a lucky charm?’

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Taking the stairs can dramatically cut your risk of an early death.

…During a 12-week study, 69 volunteers used the stairs at work instead of the elevator, climbing or descending up to an average of 23 flights per day. At the conclusion, the participants had better fitness, less body fat, trimmer waistlines and lower blood pressure. The physical benefits translated into a 15% reduced risk of premature death from any cause, says Dr. Philipee Meyer of Switzerland’s University Hospital of Geneva.  ***MARLAR: Not a big help for those of us who work from home in ranch-style houses.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Drinking plant-based milk, goat’s milk and other non-cow’s milk such as almond, rice, soy and coconut milk is on the rise because of several reasons, including an increase in dairy allergies and perceived health benefits. But vitamin D fortification of non-cow’s milk is voluntary in North American, whereas cow’s milk is required to contain 40 IU of vitamin D per 3.4 ounces. A recent study from Canada found that healthy children who drank only non-cow’s milk were at higher risk of having low levels of vitamin D than children who drank only cow’s milk. If your household prefers non-cow’s milk, seek out brands that fortify with vitamin D to promote bone health and ward off deficiency related disease. (Oxygen)

Three Lies That Are Keeping You Unhappy from Focus on the Family: http://bit.ly/1ndG7Vt

  • The first lie is that life should be easy and fair.

  • The second lie is that we should be better than we are.

  • The third lie is that we deserve more than we have.

They say Mozart wrote his first compositions at age five. So you might call Edith Fuller the Mozart of the spelling world. While plenty of adults would struggle to spell “colloquial,” “odori” and “sevruga,” 5-year-old Edith makes it look easy. She beat out around 50 competitors, age 5 to 14, at the Green Country Regional Spelling Bee in Tulsa, Okla., on Saturday, making her the youngest person ever to qualify for the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Her winning word was “jnana” (jah-nana – rhymes with banana) which refers to the acquisition of knowledge through meditation and study in Hinduism – though she afterward used a less tricky word to describe her emotion saying, “I feel thankful.” Edith is home-schooled and her parents say they discovered her talent for spelling last summer when she correctly spelled “restaurant” without having been taught the word.

5 Things Jesus Never Promised from Relevant Magazine: http://ow.ly/s4io309KaTi

  • A faith that frees us from grief

  • He’d make us physically healthy

  • He’d make us wealthy

  • His Church would be filled with perfect people

  • We’ll be loved by all for following Him

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 10, 2017…

My Scientology—This is a documentary about Scientology and made by Louis Theroux who investigated the church. Among those interviewed are Rob Altar, Jefferson Hawkins and Tom Cruise. “My Scientology” has no rating but could be PG 13. No rating.

Leap!—An animated film about an orphan girl who wants to become a dancer, actually a ballerina. Isn’t this the dream of little girls? In this story, she travels to Paris and takes another name. Voices include Elle Fanning, Dane DeHaan and Carly Rae Jepson. “Leap!” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Kong: Skull Island–Ready for gigantic? Here comes Kong and he is the largest of all, on his island with various creatures. Of course, the island is hidden and discovered in the Pacific Ocean and about to be explored by scientists and soldiers. The cast includes Tom Hiddleston, John Goodman and Samuel L. Jackson. “Kong: Skull Island” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans and you know who you are. Godzilla, where are you?

Raw—This is a French made horror film (subtitles) about a young medical student who is a vegetarian, but during a hazing gets a taste for meat. Oh, my, you can see it coming. The cast includes Garance Manilleix, Ella Rumff and Rabuh Ouella. “Raw” is rated R and an adult film. No rating. (another title for this film was “Freaking.“)

The Last Word—Shirley MacLaine stars in this comedy/drama of a successful business woman who wants to write her obituary beforehand. She hires someone (Amanda Seyfried) to assist her. Do opposites attract? Hardly. Also in the cast are Philip Baker Hall and Tom Everett Scott. “The Last Word” is rated R. No rating.

Ottoman Lieutenant—This drama set in the early 1900’s concerns a young woman who visits the Middle East and falls in love. What to do? This is war crisis time. The cast includes Michele Huisman, Hura, Josh Hartnett and Sir Ben Kingsley. “Ottoman Lieutenant” is rated R. No rating.

The Great Wall—Why was The Great Wall built? To keep people in or keep them out? Matt Damon finds out as he is in prison near The Wall and finds out just what it’s purpose is. Think “Lord of the Rings” characters here. “The Great Wall” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast and this one has a whooper of a cast with Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey” as the Beast and Emma Watson (“Harry Potter”) as Belle.

Free Fire is an action film about gang violence set in Boston in the 1970’s. Stars Armie Hammer.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, it is about people locked in a high-rise and figuring out how to survive. This film has Tony Goldwyn in it.

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