March 12, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160312

 

 

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME BEGINS THIS WEEKEND! 

Just a reminder – TONIGHT be sure to set your clocks FORWARD one hour before going to bed!

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’ve been thinking about this whole cloning thing. Although I’m dead set against the cloning of humans, I think it would be nice to have two or three of me around to get everything done that I need to. I do have a question though… if I go to a restaurant that serves free desserts to those having a birthday, would all four of us get free dessert, or would we have to split one?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  — Psalm 18:30

 

God has saved us and called us to a holy life — not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. — 2 Timothy 1:9

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. — Psalm 86:6-7

 

Thought: Sometimes there are no immediate answers. We have prayed and cried and tried and gone sleepless and mourned and shouted. Still there are no answers. The days roll by in an agonizing parade of pain. Still there are no answers we can identify. What do we do? We go to the Psalms. We let them raise up our heart’s cry. We are honest with the God of the entire universe and yet we can still anticipate mercy from him. We are convinced that in our troubles, he will not only hear us, but he will also care about what is happening in our lives.

 

Prayer: Almighty God, the only true Healer of disease and Mender of broken hearts, please hear the cry today of those I love who are in such desperate situations. May your will be done in every one of their lives with tenderness, grace, and a sense of your presence. And Lord, please be near me, and help me see your answer to my prayers. Forever yours in the name of Jesus. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Colossians 3:12 NIV = Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MARCH 12, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 287 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL WORKPLACE NAPPING DAY.  *** Unless you’re a cabbie, bus driver, truck driver, or pilot.  Or a radio disc jockey.

 

Today is NATIONAL BAKED SCALLOPS DAY. *** Scallops are kinda like oysters, right?  So how come I’ve never found a pearl in my scalloped potatoes?

 

Canadian inventor Leonard Scheltgen unveiled the world’s fastest chicken plucker on this day in 1972. He tossed a chicken into this gizmo and it came out completely naked in just 20 seconds.  *** He later found it was less noisy if the chickens were dead first.

 

INTERNET MOMS WEEK is this week. *** I have no idea what that means, but if parenting could be done completely online, Robin and I might reconsider becoming parents.  Imagine it… rebooting the computer when you need a do-over when making a parenting mistake, downloading a babysitter whenever needed, and “Hey, it’s bedtime, kid!  F12… <click>”

  • QUESTION: If you truly could parent via computer, what would you look most forward to doing online as a parent instead of being there in-person?

 

This is READ AN E-BOOK WEEK. *** Probably a big hit around bedtime with Internet Moms.

 

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Genealogy Day

Girl Scout Birthday Day

International Fanny Pack Day

National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

Daylight Savings Time Begins

Digital Learning Day

Donald Duck Day

Earmuffs Day

Good Samaritan Involvement Day

K-9 Veterans Day

IUGAR Awareness Day

Ken Doll Day

  1. Ron Hubbard Day

National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day

Smart & Sexy Day

 

MONDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask a Question Day

International Day of Action for Rivers

MOTH-ER Day

Napping Day

Potato Chip Day

Pi Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 15

Brutus Day

Buzzard Day

Ides of March

International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter

National Agriculture Day

National Shoe The World Day

True Confessions Day

World Consumer Rights Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16

Freedom Of Information Day

Brain Injury Awareness Day

Black Press Day

Curlew Day

Goddard Day

Kick Butts Day

Lips Appreciation Day

No Selfies Day

St. Urho’s Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 17

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

Campfire Girls Day

Companies That Care Day

St. Patrick’s Day

National Irish Coffee Day

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day

Forgive Mom and Dad Day

National Biodiesel Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 19

Clients Day

Corn Dog Day
Earth Hour

Endometriosis March Day

International Sports Car Racing Day

Goddess of Fertility Day

National Chocolate Caramel Day

National Poultry Day

National Quilting Day

Operation Iraqi Freedom Day

Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day

Atheist Pride Day

Bed-In For Peace Day

Great American Meat Out Day

International Astrology Day

International Day of Happiness

French Language Day

Kiss Your Fiancée Day

Proposal Day

Snowman Burning Day

Spring (Vernal Equinox) at 12:30am EDT

World Storytelling Day

Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day

World Day of Theatre for Children And Young People

 

MONDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day

International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination

International Day of Forests and the Tree

Memory Day

National Common Courtesy Day

National Renewable Energy Day

WE Day

National Single Parent Day

Poetry Day

Spring Fairy Fun Day

Twitter Day

Well-Elderly (Wellderly) Day

World Down Syndrome Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1942: After first asking him to take a pay cut, the New York Yankees agreed to give Joe DiMaggio a $6,250 raise. In the previous season, Joltin’ Joe had hit in a record 56 consecutive games, batted .357, and driven in 125 runs, helping the Yankees win the pennant by 17 games.

 

1951: “Dennis the Menace,” a comic by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, made its syndicated debut in 16 newspapers.

 

1974: “Wonder Woman” premiered on television, starring Lynda Carter. Wonder Woman’s secret identity was Diana Prince. The original comic book character was created by Charles Moulton, who also invented the lie detector. (audio clip)

 

1974: Singers John Lennon and Harry Nilsson were thrown out of the Troubadour in Los Angeles for heckling the Smothers Brothers.

 

1986: History’s fattest cat died at age 10 in Cairns, Australia. The neutered male house cat named Himmy was 38 inches long and weighed 47 pounds.

 

1990: 153,000 snails were reported missing from a snail farm in Hebburn, England, apparently history’s largest snail disappearance. ***MARLAR: How incompetent are you as a security guard if you miss a coordinated escape by snails?

 

1992: Tammy Faye Bakker announced she would divorce her evangelist husband, Jim, who was in prison for swindling. The couple had been married 31 years.

 

1992: Hollywood stars Warren Beatty and Annette Bening were married.

 

1993: Golfer Anne Marie Palli set an LPGA record on the 9th hole by killing a flying duck with her 2nd shot. Both the duck and her ball fell into the water. Of course, it cost her a penalty. ***MARLAR: And she was fined for hunting ducks out of season.

 

1993: Janet Reno was sworn in as the nation’s first female attorney general.

 

1994: The Church of England ordained its first women priests.

 

1996: Former Senator Bob Dole swept the seven Super Tuesday primaries, virtually locking up the Republican presidential nomination.

 

2002: In Leuven, Belgium, a cyclist beat a Ferrari in a 12-mile race through rush-hour traffic. Bert Meulemans, a local councilor, finished 15 minutes in front of the car. He drove along cycle paths while his motoring colleague struggled through congested streets. The councilor wanted to encourage cycling.

 

2002: In Houston, Andrea Yates was convicted of murdering her five children in the family bathtub. The verdict was later set aside because of false testimony by a prosecution witness.

 

2003: China ordered the Rolling Stones to eliminate four songs from their planned performances in Shanghai and Beijing. The banned songs were “Brown Sugar,” “Honky Tonk Women,” “Beast of Burden,” and “Let’s Spend the Night Together.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

417: Pope Innocent I died. His claims for the Roman see’s supremacy went farther than any of his predecessors, as he asserted Rome’s reach extended to the whole church.

 

604: Gregory the Great, pope from 590 to 604, dies. Setting a high mark for the medieval papacy, he defended the primacy of the chair of Peter against even the smallest slight. He is also one of the four great Latin doctors of the church (along with Ambrose, Augustine, and Jerome), and upon his death, he was named a saint by popular acclaim.

 

1088: Odo of Lagery is elected pope and takes the name Urban II. Though he had some trouble taking his office (Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV supported an antipope, Clement III), he made a name for himself by proclaiming the first Crusade in 1095. His phrase “God wills it” in that proclamation became the battle cry for Christendom.

 

1621: The Pilgrims, having arrived in New England four months earlier, finally leave the ship Mayflower to live ashore.

 

1685: Anglican bishop and philosopher George Berkeley is born in Ireland. As mechanistic science began to gain converts, Berkeley argued that the “natural” laws and processes are simply the mental phenomena of God and are not produced by an independent material reality like matter, force, space, and time. Berkeley was also a strong proponent of missions to the American colonies.

 

1875: John McCloskey is named the first US Cardinal.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Freaks and Geeks”, Not Another Teen Movie) Samm Levine 34
  • Singer/actress (“Arrested Development,” New York New York, Arthur) Liza Minnelli is 70 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Leonard Chess

1938 : Lew Dewitt (The Statler Brothers)

1940 : Al Jarreau

1941 : Paul Kantner (Jefferson Airplane)

1942 : Brian O’Hara (The Fourmost)

1946 : Liza Minnelli

1948 : James Taylor

1948 : Les Holyrod (Barclay James Harvest)

1948 : James Taylor

1949 : Bill Payne (Little Feat)

1949 : Mike Gibbins (Badfinger)

1957 : Steve Harris (Iron Maiden)

1957 : Marlon Jackson (The Jackson 5)

1969 : Graham Coxon (Blur)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is Hippocrates considered the father of medicine? You might be surprised!

We hear of doctors taking the Hippocratic Oath… that’s because Hippocrates is considered the father of medicine. But why is that? Well it certainly had to be more than just that he was married to its mother. Unlike Aesop, Homer, and many modern doctors, Hippocrates was a real person, who lived around 400 B. C. However, it was the medicine of his time that wasn’t too real. It was essentially based on the whim of the gods. If your foot was sore, it was because Zeus was sore at you. Hippocrates pioneered the connection of different symptoms with different diseases, recognizing that illnesses had natural causes. He studied them and was able to diagnose and prescribe for his patients. But let’s not get carried away with his being so modern. He also believed that there were four basic substances: earth, air, fire, and water. They had counterparts in the four bodily fluids: blood, phlegm, black and yellow bile. These were called “humors.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t find them very funny.
Source: THE HANDY SCIENCE ANSWER BOOK, by the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Protesters formed outside a recent Third Day show in Nashville. Front man Mac Powell says they were there protesting that he had made a country cd. Mac’s response: I’m just glad that somebody knew!

 

Switchfoot on their goals for Album number 10: What do we wanna accomplish with Album10? We wanna solo the absurd and mute everything else.

 

Blanca may have gotten a little carried away this week. She posted: When you check your Instagram and can’t stop until you reach where you last left off… The world could be ending but you. ain’t. stopping.

 

Randy Phillips, of Phillips, Craig & Dean, says Zechariah 14:9 is a good verse to remember during the election season. It says God will be king over all the earth, one God and only one. What a day that will be.

http://bible.com/97/zec.14.9.msg

 

Jamie Grace has an in interesting sense of taste. She posted: I’m eating cabbage. Y’all God is SO talented but He outdid himself with cabbage for sure

 

Jamie Grace was feeling like a fifth wheel this week. She posted: This is awkward. Chillin with my parents and we just picked up their two friends. Jamie added: 50 year olds laugh a lot but I’m not getting any of their jokes.

 

Sometimes necessity is the mother of invention. Paul Baloche posted: I just made a BLT soft-shell taco, because we had no bread. Wow! I’m hooked.

 

Good news or not? The jury is still out. Casting crowns Jaun Devevo posted: I got a new phone everyone! I can finally take selfies again!

 

Jamie Grace had a life altering decision to make this morning. She asked on twitter: do I go back to sleep and eat a granola bar on the way or make breakfast now and miss that extra half hour of snoozin. Her solution: just drank a juice box and crawled back in bed.

 

A word of encouragement from Britt Nicole: Start today! Take an adventure even if it’s a 5 minute walk or a conversation with someone you don’t know! Don’t get stuck in the SAME OH ROUTINE! Take an adventure today! It will fill your soul

 

The members of For King and Country are out with a behind-the-scenes look at their home-away-from-home. They recently recorded a video giving a tour of their tour bus. Check out how they live…

http://www.digitaltourbus.com/features/for-king-country-bus-invaders-ep-945-video/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Noah Mosquitos”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Ceremonies”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was in the hospital after hurting himself while trying to do things better than Steve Mozart.  Mozart was also in the hospital, received all of the attention, made a miraculous recovery, and is headed out of the hospital with everyone following him…

 

CLOSE: It may be freezing in Siberia, but the good news is that there isn’t any Steve Mozart there!  At least, that’s what Millard hopes.  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 12/13

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of.  But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh comes with a convenient drive-thru DUHposit box!

Calvin Barfield, Shannon Parrish and Stacey Ellis recently went to the drive-up window of a Sylvester, Georgia, bank to cash a check. Unfortunately, it was a stolen check. Even worse news for the trio is that the teller recognized the check as belonging to a co-worker. The teller stalled the suspects by telling them she needed ID. That gave Joyce Powell time to check with police to find out that someone had broken into her house. The quick-thinking suspects soon smelled a rat and beat it before the cops got there. However, they were quickly apprehended thanks to the ID that they gave to the teller.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY

  1. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
  2. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
  3. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
  4. You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
  5. Your income tax check bounces.
  6. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
  7. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
  8. Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy.
  9. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  10. Instead of saying “how’s it going” co-workers walk by your desk and say “how’s the job search going.”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A 21-year-old mugger says he has a good excuse for robbing a guy on the street.

 

FILE #1: Maurice Gladney of St. Louis, Missouri decided to rob someone on the street. For the money, right? Wrong. Seems Maurice needed some way to vent his frustration, and decided that robbing someone at gunpoint was a good way to go about doing it. What was he upset about? Good question. He says he was in “distress” over his favorite team losing a football game.

 

FILE #2: A Massachusetts man has been arrested in connection with the theft of hundreds of boxes of breakfast cereal. The employees at a grocery store in Natick became suspicious when they noticed him coming back to the cereal aisle over and over again. After notifying authorities, Police found 265 boxes in his van. He was charged with shoplifting and posted bail. According to reports, he didn’t have a favorite brand.

 

FILE #3: It didn’t turn out exactly the way he had planned when 50-year-old John Wesley Bradley of Nashville tried bank robbery. Bradley entered a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he was committing a robbery and had a gun. When the teller didn’t immediately respond, Bradley left. However, the story didn’t end there as the 26-year-old teller followed him outside, saw that he didn’t appear to be armed and tackled him in the grass as police arrived.

 

STRANGE LAW: I thought the French were considered romantic. Maybe they are, and maybe that’s why lawmakers passed a law making it illegal to kiss on the railways.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Cars have four tires – but if you’re drunk, you apparently don’t need all four.

Authorities charged a man with driving under the influence early Monday after police pulled him over for driving a car with only three tires. Police said an officer spotted a 27-year-old man driving without a rear passenger tire and bloodshot eyes. A Breathalyzer test he took registered a 0.2 blood alcohol level, twice the legal limit.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Almost everybody has been fired from a job at least once in their lives.  Why did YOU get fired?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: “There arose not a prophet in Israel like unto ___________, whom the Lord knew face to face.”

ANSWER: Moses (Deuteronomy 34:10)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you’re participating in Rayne, Louisiana’s annual Frog-Eating contest, what word must you say after finishing each and every frog’s leg?

ANSWER: Ribbit, of course!

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Glass flutes expand with humidity. (False – they do NOT expand with humidity so their owners are spared the nuisance of tuning them, unlike owners of traditional flutes.)

 

  1. Neckties were first worn by Native American Indians. (False – they were first worn in Croatia. That’s why they were called cravats [CRO-vats].)

 

  1. Sarsaparilla is the root that flavors root beer. (True – no wonder sarsaparilla tastes almost the same as root beer!)

 

  1. Lemon Jello is the only jello flavor that comes from real fruit, not artificial flavoring. (False – cranberry Jello)

 

  1. Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

 

  1. Super glues (cyano-acrylate glues) were invented by accident. (True. The researcher was trying to make optical coating materials, and would test their properties by putting them between two prisms and shining light through them. When he tried the cyano-acrylate, he couldn’t get the prisms apart.)

 

  1. The United States destroys seven tons of worn-out currency each year. (False – seven thousand tons!)

 

  1. Americans spend $10 million each day on potato chips. (True.)

 

  1. Over 30 million people in the United States “suffer” from Diastima. (True. Diastima is having a gap between your front teeth.)

 

  1. Each square inch of human skin contains seventy-two feet of nerves. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

NONE TODAY

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a diocese decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches.

Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when, suddenly, there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by tell tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “O God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke – “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

 

JOKE #2

Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans… hey, those are vegetables! Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category too. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Chocolate also has many preservatives. And I’d think that preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done. And if you’re a really busy person, think of it this way: a nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy? If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you? (By the way, this is a joke folks… don’t blame me if you suddenly break out with zits tomorrow morning for following this advice!)

 

JOKE #3

A man was watching a fisherman at work. The fisherman caught a giant trout but threw it back into the river. Next the fisherman hooked a huge pike and threw it back. Finally, the fisherman caught a little bass. He smiled and put the little bass in his bag.

“Hey,” yelled a guy who was watching. “Why did you throw back a giant trout and a huge pike and then keep a little bass?”

The fisherman yelled back, “Small frying pan.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Genetically engineered mice have produced a malaria vaccine in their milk that worked to protect monkeys from the disease.  ***MARLAR: So if your monkey comes down with malaria, convince it to take mouse milk.

 

Looking for a wakeup buzz?  Try a soap called Shower Shock that delivers two cups of coffee’s worth of caffeine per shower.  ***MARLAR: The hard part is feeling clean after you add cream and sugar.

 

When christening a ship, instead of using champagne, the Vikings would sacrifice a human being.  ***MARLAR: The custom started when some Vikings tried to break a bottle of champagne against the side of a vessel and the ship’s builder said, “Over my dead body!”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

EDUCATION IS SO IMPORTANT

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang.
The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone.
His wife could hear him say, “Hello?” Then he said, “Sure is.” He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, “Hello?” again and then he said, “Sure is.” again. He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn’t know.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, “Hello?” Then he said, “Sure is.” He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn’t know who it was. The wife then asked, “Well, what did the person say?
He said, “It’s odd, a woman just keeps saying, “Long distance from Chicago.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Can you be arrested just for eating french fries?  Apparently it depends on where you’re eating them.

A 7TH grader recently stopped for McDonald’s French fries on her way to a Washington DC Metro train station when she ran into some trouble. You see, Ansche Hedgepeth went down to the train and failed to realize that the city had a weeklong undercover crackdown on violators of a law that prohibits eating in the stations. As she passed a station kiosk an undercover agent approached her, stopped her, searched her, then handcuffed her and took her off to a detention center where she was checked in, fingerprinted and held. The sentence imposed on her for snacking on the Metro is for community service and counseling at the Boys and Girls Club. ***MARLAR: Meanwhile, vandals were left alone because it’s more important to arrest food offenders.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A CHILD CRYING OUT

The little child whispered, “God, speak to me” And a meadowlark sang. But the child did not hear.

So the child yelled, God, speak to me!” And the thunder rolled across the sky But the child did not listen.

The child looked around and said, “God let me see you” And a star shone brightly But the child did not notice.

And the child shouted, God show me a miracle!” And a life was born But the child did not know.

So the child cried out in despair, “Touch me God, and let me know you are here!” Where upon God reached down touched the child. But the child brushed the butterfly away and walked away unknowingly.

Often times, the things we seek are right underneath our noses. Don’t miss out on your blessing because it isn’t packaged the way that you expect.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ONLY ONE OPTION – Albert Lee

Read: Habakkuk 1:1-2:4

Behold the proud, his soul is not upright in him; but the just shall live by his faith. – Habakkuk 2:4

If you were to ask several people to draw a crooked line on a piece of paper, no two lines would be identical. There is a lesson in this: There are many ways to be crooked, but only one way to be straight.

The Lord tells us that the righteous person has only one option—to “live by his faith” (Habakkuk 2:4). In the chapter prior to this declaration from the Lord, the prophet Habakkuk had complained about the violence and injustice around him. It seemed as if the wicked were swallowing up the righteous (1:13).

God responded to Habakkuk by saying that His people were to be “just” and were to live by faith. They were not to be like the one who is “proud” and “not upright” (2:4). A proud and self-sufficient person will rationalize his faults and imperfections. He doesn’t want to admit that he needs God. His ways are crooked.

Wickedness seems to prevail in our world. God urges us to live our lives in faith, taking to heart His assurance to Habakkuk that there will be a day of reckoning for the wicked.

The only way to please God now and to be ready for that day of reckoning is to live by faith.

 

Lord, grant me grace throughout this day
To walk the straight and narrow way,
To do whatever in Thy sight
Is good and perfect, just and right. —Huisman

 

The only right way is the straight and narrow way.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

IT’S GOTTA BE THE SHOES
Wearing the same kind of shoes Michael Jordan wears won’t make you jump higher or run faster, but wearing the same kind of shoes Roman Kunikov wears will!

…Kunikov doesn’t play basketball; he’s a Russian scientist who has developed some super sonic shoes! Kunikov, a professor at a Russian engineering institute, designed a pair of gas-powered boots, which enable the wearer to make 13 feet strides and reach speeds up to 25 mph! He says the boots incorporate 12-inch pistons that strap along the calf and fire downward, pushing a metal platform away from the bottom of the shoe and the wearer up into the air. Springs soften the landings. The shoes weigh about 2.2 pounds each, including a fuel tank, tiny carburetor, spark plug and wires and pipes. An operator sets the carburetor for his weight when he puts the shoes on. Then he steps on the gas. Fuel lasts for about 25 minutes. ***MARLAR: Can you imagine being pulled over by the cops for running over the speed limit?  What’ll they do – fine you for running too fast?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BAH, HUMBUG!

Psychologists now say if you want to be happy, you have to be nice.

…There was a time when some psychologists would tell you that to be happy you had to be selfish. New research now indicates that we are happiest when we think of others. The people who are happy are those who are generous and caring for others and who have moved away from being totally involved with just themselves.  ***MARLAR: Just as God planned it! What a coincidence!

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

MAYBE IT’S NORMAL IN NORMAL, ILLINOIS

Anyone ever tampered with your garbage?  One man in Normal, Illinois had it happen – and was surprised at what he found!

Police in Normal, Illinois, were called to home to investigate the fact that someone tampered with a man’s garbage. The night before “trash day” the man placed an old bed frame and recliner at the end of his driveway to be taken away by garbage men. The next morning the man awoke to find that someone had added a chest of drawers, broken TV, foot stool and magazine rack and arranged it in the driveway to make it into a nice “room.”

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT YOUR DRINKING WATER MAY BE TAINTED

  • When you try to water plants, they run away
  • Water utility logo is skull & crossbones
  • Dishes come out of dishwasher “muddy”
  • Red Kool Aid comes out green
  • The ice cubs you made are growling

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Does Grandma say she’s told old to learn how to use a computer?  She might be wrong.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? A study at the University of California has definitively shown that seniors who have shunned the Internet demonstrate increased brain activity within two weeks of starting to surf the web. Test subjects were given functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans before and after learning how to do simple Internet searches. The second scan showed much improved brain function in the areas devoted to memory, decision making, language, reading and visual ability. The boost in brain power was evident in just two weeks, during which the participants surfed the Web for an hour a day every two days or so. (Sun)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Fast food chain Chick-Fil-A has started a new promotion in which patrons receive a free ice-cream dessert if they put their phone away while they eat. According to Christianheadlines.com, Many Americans are addicted to checking their phones, so Chick-Fil-A wants to encourage customers to spend quality time with each other while enjoying a meal. One hundred fifty Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the country are participating in the promotion which includes providing “phone coops” to customers who want to participate in the challenge. The “phone coops” are boxes in which to keep your phone until you are finished enjoying your Chick-Fil-A meal.  http://ow.ly/ZfKcK

 

Landon Cunningham’s 9th birthday celebration and first trip to a Major League baseball game changed from near disaster to relief in a split second, all thanks to his hero dad. According to Today.com, Landon was looking at his phone while texting his mom a picture from Saturday’s Pirates-Braves spring training game when Pittsburgh outfielder Danny Ortiz lost control of his bat at the plate. That sent the bat hurtling into the stands behind first base, directly at Landon’s face. At the last instant, his father, Shaun Cunningham, stuck out his arm to block the bat from hitting his son.  It is an extremely close call, which can you see from the pictures and video…   http://on.today.com/1pvwyTJ

 

The Alaska Senate has passed a bill that would ban Planned Parenthood materials from being used in public school sex education classes. According to Christianheadlines.com, senate Bill 89 requires parents to give permission before their child attends public school sex education classes. The bill also would ban educational material from any “abortion services provider,” including Planned Parenthood.  http://ow.ly/ZfJSr

 

The maker of K-cups, those small containers used to brew a single cup of coffee, says he feels bad that he ever invented them. The small containers have wreaked havoc on the environment. According to some estimates, so many were trashed in 2014 alone, that if lined up, they’d circle the earth more than 12 times! K-cup inventor John Sylvan explained, “No matter what they say about recycling, those things will never be recyclable.” Because of the plastics and materials used to help it withstand brewing, the individual cups are extremely difficult to breakdown and recycle. Sylvan told the magazine, “I don’t have one. They’re kind of expensive to use. Plus it’s not like drip coffee is tough to make”.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. — George Carlin

 

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

 

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. — Groucho Marx

 

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

 

“Don’t stay away from church because there are so many hypocrites. There’s always room for one more.” –A. R. Adams

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 11, 2016…

 

Brothers Grimsby—Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong discover they are not only brothers, but Strong is a police officer and needs Cohen’s help.  What a team that will make! Also in the cast is Ian McShane.  “Brothers Grimsby” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Other Side Of The Door—A child passes away and the mother wants to communicate with the child.  This is the premise of a supernatural film starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. Who really does know what is on the other side of any door?  “The Other Side Of The Door” is rated R. No rating.

 

10 Cloverfield Lane—John Goodman stars in this movie of a man who offers underground protection to a family when a major disaster occurs.  After a bit, was there really a disaster?  Someone’s sinister plan?  “10 Cloverfield Lane” is rated R. No rating.

 

Young Messiah (current title, this title could change)—This film tells the story of the young Jesus, known as Jesus Bar-Joseph,  when he was a child in Egypt.  It was tough growing up there and parents telling him he was special. The family hears that it might be safe to go back to Nazareth, but one king is dead and another reigns. The cast includes Sean Bean, David Bradley and Christian McKay. “Young Messiah” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Eye In The Sky—Helen Mirren is head of a drone attack squad and her top man is Aaron Paul.  What happens when they are ordered to do a hit and children are there?  Also in the cast is the late Alan Rickman. “Eye In The Sky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Hello, My Name Is Doris—Sally Field takes on the role of Doris, an older woman who now feels empowered and decides to date…a man (Max Greenfield) way younger than she is.  How people will talk.  “Hello, My Name Is Doris” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MARCH 18, 2016…

 

Divergent: Alligant continues the storyline from the YA book series. Stars Shailene Woodley and Theo James.

 

Midnight Special tells the story of a parent trying to protect his child who may have supernatural powers. Stars Michael Shannon.

 

The Bronze stars Melissa Rausch (“Big Bang Theory”) in the true story of an injured gymnast. Rescheduled from an earlier date.

 

Ben Wheatley’s High Rise stars Tom Hiddleston as a lonely man who rents an apartment and doesn’t like the neighbors.

 

Preppie Connection has Thomas Mann in a true story of a college kid who becomes a top-notch drug dealer.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.