March 13, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180313
PDF: 20180313

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Yesterday, (OTHER JOCK / THE BOSS) and I were playing Frisbee in the hall, but we had to stop because his teeth were getting sore.

If someone became addicted to counseling how would you treat them?

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor.” – Ulysses S. Grant

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” – Proverbs 3:25-26

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship him in spirit and in truth. — John 4:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear but like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail. — Isaiah 51:6

Thought: I don’t know about you, but sometimes the Bible is so brutally honest it hurts! We consider our world, our earth, to have been here a long time and assume it will be here a long time more. But God reminds us that it is temporary! We are even more temporary: just like flies, we’re here for a short while, and then we’re gone. But not gone, gone! Christians are just gone from the temporary existence of earth because our lives are caught up with Christ in God’s salvation which lasts forever and God’s righteousness that will never end or fail.

Prayer: O Righteous Father who hears my prayers and strengthens me for the journey, thank you for the assurance that what I have as a Christian with you goes beyond the boundaries of death, the limitations of my humanity, and the vulnerabilities of my weaknesses. Thank you that I am tied to you and your salvation and that because of Jesus, you see me as your righteous and holy child. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Thessalonians 3:13 NIV = May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 13, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
286 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is GOOD SAMARITAN INVOLVEMENT DAY. ***Many people forget that Samaria was a true, honest-to-gosh place. That being said, does anyone even know a Samaritan nowadays? Even a Samaritan-American? If not, Good Samaritan Involvement Day is going to be a bit difficult.

  • PHONER: When is the last time a complete stranger did something nice for you? What did they do? Call us and let us know – maybe we can encourage a few random acts of kindness today!

Today is NATIONAL OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS DAY.  ***Open an umbrella indoors and see if anything bad happens.  It won’t… unless you do it next to the china cabinet.

Today is COMMONWEALTH DAY in the United Kingdom.  ***Maybe we should all move to the UK… wealth is common there!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Donald Duck Day
Earmuffs Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
Itra-Uterine Growth Awareness Restriction (IUGAR) Day
K-9 Veterans Day
Ken Day
L. Ron Hubbard Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
Smart & Sexy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers
MOTH-ER Day
Potato Chip Day
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.)
Registered Dietitian Day
Save a Spider Day
Write Your Story Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

Brutus Day
Companies That Care Day
Buzzards Day
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter
National Farm Rescuer Day
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day
Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 16

Black Press Day
Campfire Girls Day
Curlew Day
Freedom of Information Day
Goddard Day
Lips Appreciation Day
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence
No Selfies Day
Panda Day
St. Urho’s Day
World Sleep Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 17

Corn Dog Day
International Sports Car Racing Day
St. Patrick’s Day
Worldwide Quilting Day
Play The Recorder Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
National Biodiesel Day

MONDAY, MARCH 19

Client’s Day
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
National Poultry Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Bed-in For Peace Day
Great American Meat Out Day
International Astrology Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Agriculture Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox)
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People
World Sparrow Day

ON THIS DAY

1884: Standard time was adopted in the United States. ***Ironically, just in time to make the switch to Daylight Saving Time.

1961: Ricky Nelson recorded “Travelin’ Man.” It became his second #1 song. “Poor Little Fool” reached #1 in 1958.

1964: 28-year-old Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death in Queens, New York. The murder occurred over several hours during which the killer left and returned, yet not one of 37 witnesses called police.

1975: Singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette were divorced after a stormy 6-year marriage.

1982: John Jaszowski of Milwaukee hit 12 consecutive strikes to become the youngest bowler ever to roll a perfect game. John was 11 years old.

1983: The Larry King Live show premiered on CNN.

1987: Bryan Adams’ “Heat of the Night” became the first commercially released cassette single in the U.S.

1988: Gallaudet University, a liberal arts college for the hearing-impaired since 1864 in Washington, D.C., chose I. King Jordan to become the school’s first deaf president.

1990: A blind man robbed a bank in Vallejo, California, then asked the teller to guide him out of the building. She refused, and he was still trying to find his way out when police arrived.

1991: Romanian peasant Calin Florea dug up his prize German-made Lanz tractor, which he had buried in his garden 35 years earlier to prevent a communist co-op from confiscating it. He cleaned the engine and it cranked right up.

1996: The Nigerian news agency reported that a woman waiting in line three hours for gasoline gave birth to a baby girl. Others in line at the service station nicknamed the baby “Fuel Crisis.”

1997: A lock of British naval hero Lord Nelson’s hair sold at auction for $8,096.

2002: President Bush declared Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was a menace and had to be dealt with, and Osama bin Laden had been reduced to a marginal figure in the war on terrorism.

2002: On Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing.” Tonya Harding beat Paula Jones, Danny Banaduce whipped Barry Williams and Todd Bridges defeated Vanilla Ice.

2006: U.S. Customs agents in California found 250 bogus billion dollar bills while investigating a man charged with currency smuggling. The investigation led agents to a West Hollywood apartment where they found the stash of yellowing and wrinkled one billion dollar bills with an issue date of 1934 and bearing a picture of President Grover Cleveland.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1456: Johann Gutenberg first publishes the Bible on his printing press with movable type.

1569: Roman Catholics defeat the Huguenots at Jarnac, France. Condé, the Huguenot leader, is killed.

1815: Presbyterian medical missionary James Hepburn is born in Milton, Pennsylvania. In the course of his missions work, he compiled the first Japanese-English dictionary and supervised the first complete translation of the Bible into Japanese.

1892: Charles Henry Packhurst preaches his famous documented sermon against Tammany Hall corruption in New York, helping to bring about reform in that city.

1925: Austin Peay, governor of Tennessee, signs the “Butler Bill,” prohibiting any teaching that contradicted the Genesis creation story. By July, John Scopes was on trial for violating the legislation and the “trial of the century” had begun.

1925: Tennessee prohibits the teaching of evolution in public schools. This ban led to the Scopes Monkey trial in which William Jennings Bryan prosecuted Scopes (who was found guilty of violating the law). Court rulings have not allowed prohibitions like Tennessee’s to stand.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“That 70’s Show”) Danny Masterson, 42

  • actress (Gremlins, “Mr. Belvedere”) Tracy Wells 46 (audio clip)

  • actress (Monica Reyes in “The X-Files,” Elizabeth Bartlet Westin in “The West Wing”) Annabeth Gish 47 (audio clip)

  • actress (“China Beach”, “Body of Proof”) Dana Delaney, 62

  • actress (Julie Hastings on “7th Heaven”) Deborah Raffin 65 (audio clip)

  • actress (“The Love Boat”, “Fantasy Island”, “Chico and the Man”) Charo, 67

  • actor (Fargo, Jurassic Park 3, Pleasantville, “Shameless”) William H. Macy, 68

  • Donald Duck 84

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1939 : Neil Sedaka

1940 : Daniel Bennie (The Reflections)

1949 : Donald York (Sha Na Na)

1960 : Adam Clayton (U2)

1978 : Common

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What causes jet lag?
Scientists long ago ruled out airline food and forced exposure to hours of droning conversation from the bore in the seat next to you as causes. The funny thing is that the cause most people would point to, a change in time zones with the accompanying confusion with meal and bed times is also apparently not the only answer. Many people flying North to South, without changing time zones, also suffer from jet lag. (That surprised me, too!) So what else could be the cause? Most likely it’s the pressurized cabin with its low humidity, the plane’s vibration, engine noise, and radiation from the high altitude. In other words, your body is being assaulted while you sit there with your seat belt fastened. The solution? Drink plenty of water, move around the cabin, and take vitamin supplements. (And next time take the train, but not if you’re crossing the ocean.)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

“Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli was sentenced to seven years in prison on Friday for defrauding investors out of more than $10 million. Shkreli, who gained notoriety for inflating the price of a life-saving drug. During his sentencing on Friday in Brooklyn federal court, Shkreli broke into tears and pleaded with the judge for leniency as she passed him a box of tissues.  ***She was lenient, Martin.  She was just as lenient with you as you were to others when you raised the price of Deraprim by 800 bazillion percent.

A test of E-cigarette vapor has revealed high levels of arsenic and significant levels of chromium, manganese, nickel and lead.  ***So stop smoking, and start vaping – because it kills you more slowly.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is refusing to take a DNA test to prove her Native American heritage.  ***It’s 2018 – males are allowed to identify as females, a white woman identifies as being black, so why not have a politician self-identify herself as Pocahontas.

Playing a high school sport could be the key to adult success. Youth who participate in school sports not only are more likely to go to college, but also earn more money as working adults, whether they played on the football team or faced opponents one-on-one on the tennis court, according to a Harris Poll. ***Oh sure… now you tell me, right before I hit my mid-life crisis years.

Ever heard of the “Spotlight Effect?” This is the belief that a personal attribute that sands out in one’s own mind such as a new haircut, receives more attention than it actually does. In a Yale study that replicated the effect, participants who were asked to wear unusual shirts did overestimate the attention the shirts were getting yet they still underestimated how attentive others were to them as people. (Psychology Today)  ***In fact, I got a haircut yesterday and not a single one of you listeners has called or email to tell me how I look.

Taylor Swift is in love again. She’s been seen a lot lately with her most recent boyfriend, British actor Joe Alwyn.  ***So we should expect another angry hit song from Ms. Swift in about six months.

A Florida weightlifting coach has been arrested for selling Viagra and Cialis to his students.  ***That’s not the kind of lifting you’re paid for, Coach!

John Williams says he’s done doing the musical scoring for “Star Wars” movies.  ***After hearing the music from that first movie’s cantina scene day after day, I would want to quit too.

A study says being exposed to even small amounts of light during sleep is linked to depression.  ***So I might have to consider removing the big screen TV from my bedroom ceiling.

It appears that a rogue employee of Open Table made over 300 false dinner reservations at high-end restaurants as a way to seek revenge for something.  ***The employee has since been fired and can no longer afford to eat at any of the restaurants on their website.

When Joy Behar compared Christianity to mental illness, Vice President Mike Pence took public offense. Joy has since called and apologized to him.  ***Next, she be calling everyone who has ever watched “The View” when told she was a comedian, to apologize for never being funny.

The Obamas are in talks with Netflix to produce a series of shows exclusively for them.  ***Wow.  Can you say narcissism?

A research company says that there’s been a 24% decline in Facebook usage.  ***If that also means 24% fewer political posts, this might be the beginning of God answering my prayers.

Anderson Cooper interviewed Stormy Daniels last Wednesday night. That will be featured on a future episode of “60 Minutes.”  ***Which is 45 more minutes of fame than she deserves.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Many people think they get plenty of fluids on a daily basis. What they don’t realize, however, is that they may be dehydrated which could lead to a slew of heath issues including fatigue, joint pain and weight gain. Up to 75 percent of Americans may be functioning in a chronic state of dehydration, according to new research. Experts recommend drinking between eight and 10 cups of water a day.  If you don’t like drinking water there are other options including flavored water or water-based foods like watermelon or soup.  ***What about coffee?  Can I drink ten cups of that each day?  That’d be great.

A recent study says that 17,000 kids a year are treated for TV-related injuries. ***So they literally commissioned a study to tell us that if a giant, 75-pound object falls on your child, they won’t be able to walk that off. People should just wrap their kids up in bubble wrap and never let them near anything.

On average, refrigerators get cleaned once every 110 days. ***That’s just an average though.  Some of us wait until the guacamole gains sentience and asks to be given its freedom.

People who use Facebook appear to live longer if it serves to maintain and enhance their real-world social ties, confirming what social scientists have known for a long time: People who have stronger social networks live longer. Now that network may include the online world, too. The study: Led by William Hobbs and James Fowler of the University of California, San Diego, the team matched 4 million California Facebook users with vital records from the California Department of Public Health. The study found that those who were on Facebook lived longer than those who were not. ***So LIKE me on Facebook… it might save your life!

While your social media profile can be a great asset in your job search, a CareerBuilder study shows it can also end up costing you the job. More than two in five (43%) hiring managers who currently research candidates using social media said they have found information that has caused them not to hire a candidate. ***I guess that means I should delete that Facebook photo from last year’s company Christmas party that caught me watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” on company time while sitting de-pantsed on the copy machine.  That might affect my future employment.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Cheetah Bonita’s new song – which was nothing but a solo – had everyone in the jungle deciding not to cooperate with each other – and the only peaceful place, the land of milk and honey which is occupied by the squirrels is off-limits to Cheetah Bonita because she was the reason the jungle was so noisy everywhere else. Sad, she walked into the jungle – and met up with Racquet the Skunk.

CLOSE: What will Cheetah Bonita and Racquet the Skunk find in the swamp? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
With or without a red cape, playing with bulls is a DUHngerous game!

Saying that a father put his son’s life in danger, a Spanish judge has revoked the parental visitation rights of a man who took his ten-year-old son running with the bulls in Pamplona. Spanish television showed the boy smiling as he ran ahead of a pack of charging bulls with his father. The images didn’t sit well with city officials, who fined the boy’s father 200 dollars. According to city regulations, runners in the festival must be 18 years old. It also angered the man’s ex-wife, who took her case to the police after she saw the footage.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS LEARNED FROM VIDEO GAMES

10. The thumb will someday evolve into the mightiest muscle in the body.

9. up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start

8. Just because you can play DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution) does NOT mean you can dance.

7. If you have been kidnapped it’s better to call a plumber than the cops

6. Jumping is one of life’s most important skills.

5. The phrase “seen one, seen ’em all” is particularly true in regards to terrorists, guards, scientists, and cops.

4. Newton’s laws of physics are just loose guidelines.

3. You can carry a pistol, an AK-47, a rocket launcher, a knife, a mini-gun, and a bloody chainsaw and nobody will get suspicious.

2. Guards will always walk in a simple easily memorized pattern.

1. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes, even criminals worry about how they look in public!

FILE #1: Clifford Myles of Thunder Bay, Ontario, decided to give police officers an exciting chase when he was being pulled over for his erratic driving.  Instead of stopping, Clifford drove onto a grocery store parking lot, where he slammed into several shopping carts.  Not being able to beat the cops AND the shopping carts, Clifford abandoned the car and decided to make it a chase on foot.  But wait!  It was a Wednesday.  Apparently Wednesdays are when Clifford gets a haircut.  So he stepped into a nearby salon for a quick trim.  Now we’re talkin’ genius: chased by cops, overcome by shopping carts, Clifford stops for a haircut.  At least his hair looked good at the arraignment, later that same day.

FILE #2: In Brooklyn, New York, Abdullah Darby sent a threatening letter to the cops, filled with a white powder and concluding with the words “Catch me if you can.” The New York cops were up to the challenge, even though Darby made it easy for them. Right after “Catch me if you can” he signed his real name. And he included his return address on the envelope.

FILE #3: William Fogarty forgot to pay a parking ticket… 60 years ago.  The 86-year-old intended to pay it the same week he received it in Norfolk, Virginia– even going so far as to purchase a $1 money order to pay the $1 ticket.  But he forgot to send it in. About a month ago, as he was looking through a box of collectibles, William discovered a wallet with the money order inside. So he wrote a letter to the Norfolk Police Department and included the money order. Norfolk police says Fogarty’s money order will not be cashed. Instead, it will be framed and displayed in the department’s museum.

STRANGE LAW: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him in Paulding, OH.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

If you keep buying alcohol when you’re drunk, and you get hurt – is it the fault of the alcohol sellers? That’s the case one man is trying to make in a lawsuit!

A Florida man who said he was shocked by 13,000 volts of electricity after climbing up a transformer in a “drunken stupor” has sued six bars and stores that allegedly sold him alcohol. Ed O’Rourke also named Tampa Electric Co. as a defendant in the lawsuit. He said the utility did not do enough to prevent him from slipping into a fenced, gated and locked sub station and scaling the electrical transformer one night in May 1996. O’Rourke was thrown more than 40 feet from the transformer and burned over 60 percent of his body, leaving him with permanent immobility in his right arm and severe scarring. According to the lawsuit, O’Rourke is “unable to control his urge to drink alcoholic beverages” and that the bars and stores negligently served or sold him alcohol despite his “continual consumption.”

PHONER PHUN

Would you rather give up the television or your smart phone for a week?

In what ways do you want your children to be like you? In what ways do you not want them to be like you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was King Solomon talking about when he said that “it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.”
ANSWER: Wine (“Don’t let the sparkle and smooth taste of wine deceive you. For in the end it bites like a poisonous serpent; it stings like a viper.” –Proverbs 23:31-32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Researchers say the more of these two foods you eat, the less your chance of having asthma. What two foods do they suggest you eat more of?

ANSWER: Carrots and tomatoes

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Americans fill in 54 acres of crossword puzzles each day. (True)

2. In ancient Athens, every third man worked with marble. (True)

3. Woody Woodpecker’s hometown was Lawrence. (False – Puddleburgh)

4. A woodpecker can peck 200 times a second. (False – 20 times a second)

5. You can get 7.5 thousand toothpicks out of a cord of wood. (False – 7.5 million!)

6. Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, is the novel that contains the longest sentence in literature. (True. The sentence has 823 words.)

7. Alaska doesn’t have any counties. (True)

8. Waterskiing was originally called “plank-gliding”. (True – in England.)

9. The real name of the Riddler (of Batman fame) is E. Nigma. (True – the “E” stands for Edward.)

10. The revolving star on the back of a cowboy’s spurs is called a “rowel.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (WITCHES)

A global network of powerful witches and Satanists hold the fate of the world in their hands – warns a terrorism expert.

Sorcerers, all of them practiced in the black arts, are present in every nation on Earth.  They usually keep in close touch by cell phone and now – by text.  And they are plotting to – takeover the world.

“Their aim is, quite simply, to pave the way for the arrival of their master, known in the Bible as the Beast whose number is 666,” says writer Tim Blish, the world’s top Wiccan researcher.  ”In other words, Satan, the Antichrist.

“They’re working hard for world domination, so the Antichrist will easily ascend to power.  And the horrifying thing is that they will likely be successful.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Stumpy goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Stumpy walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

JOKE #2

“I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!”

“That’s nothing. I was fishing and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!”

“If you blow out the light, I’ll take 200 pounds off the marlin!”

JOKE #3

While waiting in line at the bank, Walter developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took Walter’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. “Why not?” Walter asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”



“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”



“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

USELESS FACTS

The FDA reports that meat from cloned animals is perfectly safe to eat.  ***Plus, it’s great for making double cheeseburgers. – @DailyDoseWeird

The average American spends about $6 a week on lottery tickets. ***This just in… the average American loses about $6 a week on the lottery.

FEATURED FUNNIES

YOU ASKED

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, “Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?”
“No, dear, not at all,” he replied, “Our house isn’t blue.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

One UPS delivery driver’s life is saved after an auto accident due to the cargo he was carrying in his truck!

After a UPS driver was involved in a crash on an icy road near Keene, New Hampshire, he was rushed to the hospital with a head injury. Unfortunately, when they got him to the medical center, it was discovered that the machine used to do the necessary tests was broken, although the parts were on order. Sure enough, after checking the status of the order, hospital personnel discovered that the parts needed to fix the machine had been shipped via UPS… and were on the very truck that just crashed and required the UPS guy to be in the hospital and need the tests!  The parts were retrieved, and the UPS driver is recovering nicely.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

Robert R. Thomas

Hurricane Bertha left me in a bad mood. I had managed to maintain my sour disposition for several days in spite of the attempts of almost everybody to cheer me up. I had leaks in my ceiling at the gallery, the floors were flooded, the showcases dirty, there was no air conditioning or electricity, and I had over one hundred artists calling me to see if their work had been damaged. On top of all that, I had to drive over to Jacksonville in the pouring rain and choking heat, and the air conditioner in my truck had quit working. I was not happy.

As I motored along North Carolina’s Highway 24 to Jacksonville, my faithful truck was trying to tell me something . . Something important like . . . YOU FORGOT TO BUY GAS! For the first time in my life I had run out of gas. I’d always smirked at the friends and family who’d done this, as if to say, “How could you be so stupid? There’s a gauge on the dashboard to tell you that your tank is empty, and all you have to do is read it.”I was right: There was a gauge, and it said EMPTY.

I was not happy. I coasted to the side of the road, saying several things about my own mental abilities . . . Several things about Hurricane Bertha . . . And vowing to sit there until the darn truck rotted and fell apart. As I contemplated the possibility of getting a job with the French Foreign Legion, I heard a motorcycle pull up

beside me: a big, throaty, rumbling, growling Harley-Davidson. I opened my door and was face to face with a throwback to the 1960s. Snakes were painted all over his face shield and helmet and tattooed all over his body. He wore the traditional Harley-Davidson garb: denim jacket, jeans and biker boots. Chains hung from every available hook or loop. His hair was so long that he had it doubled up and tied to keep it out of his wheels. The Harley was straight out of Easy Rider – extended front fork; suicide rack on the back; black, purple and green paint job, and the gas tank painted to look like a skull with glowing green eyes.

“S’wrong?” he said. His shield and helmet completely masked his face

“I’m out of gas,” I whispered.

“B’right back.” And he rode off.

About fifteen minutes later he returned with a can of gas. When I offered to pay him he said, “Wait till ya get to the station.”

I started my truck and drove the two or three miles to the station as he followed along (in the pouring rain). Again I offered to pay him. He said, “Pay the guy inside. Everything okay now?”

I said yes.

He said, “See ya!” And off he rode down Highway 24 toward Jacksonville, hair undone and flying in the wind, Harley roaring and throwing up spray from the pavement.

After pumping twenty-four dollars worth of gas, I went into the station and gave the attendant thirty dollars. He said, “It’s only four dollars. The other guy paid twenty and said to tell you to ‘pass it on, Brother.'”

I will always remember the kindness of the snakes-and-chains stranger on the Harley with the glowing green eyes, and I will never again judge anyone by their looks (a promise I had often made to myself). And I will always wonder, “Who was that masked man?”

As for the twenty dollars . . . I passed it on.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

STAY IN THE SUNSHINE – Richard De Haan

Read: John 15:5-17

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love. – John 15:10

In his book The Best Is Yet To Be, Henry Durbanville told the story of a little girl in London who won a prize at a flower show. Her entry was grown in an old cracked teapot and had been placed in the attic window of a rundown tenement house. When someone asked how she managed to raise such a lovely flower in such an unlikely environment, she said she moved it around so it would always be in the sunlight.

Durbanville then reminded his readers of Jesus’ words, “As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love” (John 15:9). We learn from this that we too must keep ourselves continually in the warmth of Christ’s love.

We abide in Christ’s love when we show love to others. Jesus made this clear when He said, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love . . . . This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (vv.10,12-13).

We feel the warmth of Christ’s love when we obey His commandment to love and serve others. That’s the way to stay in the sunshine.

Our love for God is seen in our love for others.

LEFTOVERS

I SPY

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

LIFE… LIVE IT

What is the secret to getting a solid 7 to 8 hours of sleep?

…Head for the kitchen and enjoy one or two of these 10 foods. They relax tense muscles, quiet buzzing minds, and/or get calming, sleep-inducing hormones – serotonin and melatonin – flowing. Yawning yet? Here are some foods that are good bedtime foods (from Yahoo Food):

  • Bananas. They’re practically a sleeping pill in a peel. In addition to a bit of soothing melatonin and serotonin, bananas contain magnesium, a muscle relaxant.

  • Chamomile tea. The reason chamomile is such a staple of bedtime tea blends is its mild sedating effect.

  • Warm milk. It’s not a myth. Milk has some tryptophan – an amino acid that has a sedative – like effect – and calcium, which helps the brain use tryptophan.

  • Honey. Drizzle a little in your warm milk or herb tea. Lots of sugar is stimulating, but a little glucose tells your brain to turn off orexin, a recently discovered neurotransmitter that’s linked to alertness.

  • Potatoes. A small baked spud won’t overwhelm your GI tract, and it clears away acids that can interfere with yawn-inducing tryptophan.

  • Oatmeal. Oats are a rich source of sleep – inviting melatonin, and a small bowl of warm cereal with a splash of maple syrup is cozy – plus if you’ve got the munchies, it’s filling too.

  • Almonds. A handful of these heart-healthy nuts can be snooze-inducing, as they contain both tryptophan and a nice dose of muscle-relaxing magnesium.

  • Flaxseeds. When life goes awry and feeling down is keeping you up, try sprinkling 2 tablespoons of these healthy little seeds on your bedtime oatmeal.

  • Whole-wheat bread. A slice of toast with your tea and honey will release insulin, which helps tryptophan get to your brain, where it’s converted to serotonin and quietly murmurs “time to sleep.”

  • Turkey. It’s the most famous source of tryptophan, credited with all those Thanksgiving naps. But that’s actually modern folklore. Tryptophan works when your stomach’s basically empty, not overstuffed, and when there are some carbs around, not tons of protein.

JUST FOR FUN

QUICK FLIGHT TO THE ISLANDS

It was the fastest vacation ever… a flight to Hawaii from Washington and back in less than 24 hours!

It was a very short trip to paradise for one 13-year-old boy: He flew from Washington to Hawaii and back in less than a day. The unidentified teen managed to charge the airline ticket online to his mother’s credit card — and got himself to the airport and aboard the flight to Maui. But his mom figured out where he was going at her expense, so a Maui County officer met him on his arrival. The boy was booked on a return flight, and was back home before midnight. The boy’s mother realized her son was missing and checked their home computer, which showed he had ordered a plane ticket to Hawaii. His mother sentenced him to “two years of yard work” to cover the cost of his ticket.  ***MARLAR: “Aw, Mom – how about a break?  Like maybe two years of yard work… in Hawaii?”

FUN LIST

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF JESUS WERE ON EARTH TODAY?

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by…

  • the FDA and the BATF for turning water into wine without a license

  • the EPA for killing fig trees

  • the AMA for practicing medicine without a license

  • the Health Department for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness

  • the NEA for teaching without a certificate

  • OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket

  • the FAA for flying without an airplane

  • the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life

  • the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) for not choosing a woman apostle

  • the Zoning Department for building mansions without a permit

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

We try to avoid sewer humor here on the show – but how about toilet paper?  Can we talk about that?

Philadelphia police have arrested a man who stole a truckload of toilet paper! The truck was stolen after its driver left the engine running to warm it up, but officers caught the thief using a satellite tracking system installed on the truck to pinpoint its location. The 44-year-old man claims that he was going to sell the 18,000 rolls of toilet paper on the streets. ***MARLAR: This guy was ready to sell 18,000 rolls of toilet paper… on the street?  Is there a black market for toilet paper that I don’t know about?  Do you know ANYONE who’s “Jonesin” for a roll of 2-ply?

  • PHONER: He planned to sell 18,000 roles of toilet paper on the street? How uncreative! If you had 18,000 roles of toilet paper, what would YOU do with it?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Daylight Savings Time is back.. so we lost an hour heading into Sunday morning. According to the National Sleep Foundation, the loss of just one hour’s sleep can make sleep-deprived people more accident-prone, increasing the risk of highway crashes. Studies have found up to a 17% increase in fatal car crashes in the four days immediately after the switch to Daylight Saving Time. The average adult needs about eight hours of sleep each night, yet more than a third of American adults sleep fewer than seven hours a night. Lack of sleep interferes with the daily activities of approximately 35% of those adults, studies show. Because it’s not so easy to reset the body’s internal clock, even those who get plenty of sleep may find themselves feeling disoriented, cranky or groggy today. It’s much like a case of jet lag, and the rule of thumb is that it will take the body clock one day to adjust for each hour of time change. So hopefully that means later this week you’ll start feeling awake again.

Their sweet, teardrop eyes and angelic expressions have made Precious Moments figurines beloved collectors’ items for years — and if you have any gathering dust on a shelf, it may be time to take a second look. Today, there’s a thriving online market for classic Precious Moments memorabilia, and one figurine in particular could be worth hundreds or even thousands of dollars. It’s a porcelain sculpture called “God Loveth a Cheerful Giver,” and it is one of the original 21 Precious Moments collectibles released in 1979.
http://on.today.com/2ihLS82

A Portugal study has finally shed some light on the diet-scene. Apparently, pizza and other yummy carb-filled things we’re not supposed to eat can actually help you stick to your diet in the long run. Throughout the course of two weeks, scientists asked participants to go on a 10,500-calories-per-week diet. Half of the dieters, however, were told to eat whatever they wanted on Sundays. In the end, both groups had reduced their average body mass indexes. And, while there wasn’t a huge difference in the amount of weight the two groups had lost, dieters who indulged in a Sunday “cheat day,” were happier and more motivated to continue working towards their weight-loss goals.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/new-study-suggests-pizza-can-actually-help-you-lose-weight-144351

A majority of U.S. adults and almost a third of evangelicals now say they believe that faith in God is not needed to be a moral person, a survey has revealed. The Pew Research Center reported on Monday that 56 percent of all American adults surveyed say they don’t think that being a believer is a requirement for someone to be moral and to have good values, which is up from the 49 percent who said the same back in 2011. The results, based on a survey conducted June 8–18 and June 27–July 9, also found that 32 percent of white evangelical respondents agreed that belief in God is not necessary to be moral
http://fb.me/6f1ff2Ttm

Would you ever consider living on the moon?  Thanks to a study in Geophysical Research Letters, we now know where the first human settlement on the moon could be built. It’ll be in a massive lava tube potentially extending miles below the surface. Astronauts can’t spend more than three days on the because spacesuits offer minimal protection from radiation, extreme temperatures, and meteorites. A lava tube, on the other hand, is just the thing. Researchers at JAXA, Japan’s space agency, and Purdue University have located what they believe are a number of intact lava tubes – formed when flowing lava forms a crust before draining away – in the Marius Hills area of the moon. Marius Hills is the moon’s biggest volcanic dome field. Italian researchers recently presented findings that lava tubes on the moon could be massive compared to their counterparts on Earth due to lower gravity, stating the “results have important implications for habitability and human exploration of the moon.” One model from the new study shows a lunar lava tube could be large enough to encompass the entire city of Philadelphia. ***Wow – maybe then we could transport the whole of Washington DC up there…and leave it there. Forever.

It’s a good idea to put your pet’s food dish in a place your children can’t reach. Why? It could be a source of Salmonella bacterial infection among humans, and little kids are most at risk. HealthDay News reports that researchers from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tracked a 2006 to 2008 Salmonella outbreak that sickened 79 American patients, about half of whom were 2 years old or younger, to household use of dry cat and dog food. Unlike humans, pets do not display the classic symptoms of a Salmonella infection, which include diarrhea, abdominal cramps, fever, nausea and/or vomiting. Instead, pets are able to shed the bacterium for up to 10 to 12 weeks in their feces. What can you do to protect yourself and your children? The single most important thing you can do is to wash your hands and your children’s hands after doing anything for a pet — be it touching its mouth, petting it or cleaning up after it. Purchase only well-packaged, well-stored pet food and keep it out of the reach of infants and toddlers.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A Philadelphia 4-year-old is being called a “superhero” after bravely deciding to donate his own life-saving bone marrow to his twin baby brothers. Michael Pownall’s 4-month-old twin brothers, Santino and Giovanni, have chronic granulomatous disease, which is diagnosed in one in 500,000 people every year. He will undergo the transplant to save his brothers on March 8. The boys’ mother, Robin Pownall, said, “He’s just like I’m a real-life superhero. He says I’m going to save my baby brothers.” When Michael goes to the lab for pre-testing he says, “Look how strong I am,” as he willingly holds out his arm to get blood work. Robin adds, “The nurses are amazed. They’re like I cannot believe how brave he is and he really is. It gives me chills.” Santino and Giovanni have been at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia since they were born in October. Michael’s older brother, Dominick, was also born with CGD, but received a stem donation from an outside donor. Michael doesn’t have the disease. When doctors determined Michael was a match for both his brothers, he was ready to go. A GoFundMe page has been set up to help the family with medical bills. (KDVR)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Missouri Highway Patrol Sgt. Bill Lowe says, “It is a coincidence.” Sadly, it was a deadly one. After a 911 call in which women were heard screaming, police were dispatched to a home in Clinton, Mo., where several people were shot – one fatally. What makes it bizarre is they were at the wrong house! The officers should have been sent to an entirely different town, Windsor, some 20 miles away. A news release from the Missouri Highway Patrol states, “After confirming with dispatch the address of the residence, officers entered the house where they encountered the suspect,” who shot at them, and later, “Further investigation revealed the phone number from the original 911 call came from an address in Windsor.” Clinton police officer Christopher Ryan Morton, 30, was killed. Reportedly, Tammy Widger, 37, greeted the arriving officers and said nothing was amiss and no one else was home. The officers entered the house anyway to verify all was well and found James Waters inside who began firing at police and was later found dead by the SWAT team that arrived on the scene. Widger was charged with possession of methamphetamine with intent to deliver after drugs were allegedly found in the home. One more tragic twist: Morton, an Afghanistan veteran, switched his status with the Clinton PD from reserve to full time in September – to fill the hole left by Officer Gary Michael, who was killed during a traffic stop. (Kansas City Star)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. –Timothy Leary

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 09, 2018…

A Wrinkle In Time—The wait is over for the screen adaptation of  Madeline L’Engle’s book, “A Wrinkle In TIme.”  Three top stars, with out-of-the-world costumes, are Oprah Winfrey (Mrs. Which), Reese Witherspoon (Mrs. Whatsit) and Mindy Kaling  (Mrs. Who). Adapted from the 1962 book, the story centers on a young girl, Meg Murry (Storm Reid) , who has to travel through time in order to find her father and save him from a villain (there always is one.) The “Mrs” are Meg’s guardians as she travels. Meg’s role is one of being the best you can be and full of courage. Also in the cast are Chris Pine (“Star Trek”) as Dr. Murry, Meg’s scientist father. Deric McCabe as Meg’s younger brother, Zach Galifanskis as the Happy Medium and Levi Miller as Calvin, a traveler with Meg. Director is Ava DuVerney (“Selma”) Storm Reid was one of thousands of girls who auditioned for the role of Meg, and this is her movie as she tries to save her family. “A Wrinkle In Time” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Gringo—David Oyelowo now stars in this film about an American businessman who travels to Mexico, accidentally is kidnapped and becomes embroiled in crime. What to do? The cast is stellar and includes Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton and Amanda Seyfreid. “Gringo” is rated R. No rating.

Hurricane Heist—Best time to rob a Federal Reserve Bank? How about during a major hurricane and do you expet everything to go as planned? Guess again. The cast includes Toby Kebbel, Maggie Grace and Ben Cross. “Hurricane Heist” is rated R. No rating.

The Upside—A comedy with a twist. Bryan Cranston is a paraplegic and needs someone to help him. Enter Kevin Hart, as a recent parolee who needs a job. Will This work out? What do you think? Also in the cast are Nicole Kidman and Juliana Margolies. “The Upside” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Thoroughbreds—Two wealthy girls, who were friends during childhood and then went separate ways, now, as teens, want to be friends again. Life is different,  though. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Joy, Olivia Cooke, Paul Sparks and the late Anton Yelchin from “Star Trek.”  The film ”Thoroughbreds” is rated PG 13. No rating.

7 Days In Entebbe (formerly titled “Entebbe”)—Daniel Bruhl and Rosamund Pike star in a film about the hijacking of the Air France Flight 139 from Tel Aviv, Israel to Paris, via Athens, Greece. The hijackers wanted the release of more than 50 prisoners who were being held by authorities for various reasons. The ransom was also 5 million dollars. Things don’t run smoothly, though, and there is discord among the hijackers and then a daring move—a rescue mission. Also in the cast are Mark Ivanir and Vincent Cassel. “7 Days in Entebbe” (or “Entebbe”) is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 16, 2018…

Tomb Raider (and guess who starred in the first film) has Alicia Vikander in the role of Lara Croft this time around.

Love, Simon is a teen comedy/drama about a young teen trying to come out. Stars Nick Robinson.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.