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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
And now, to continue my never-ending quest to bring sophistication to (LOCAL SMALL TOWN) – it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!
Radio wasn’t my first choice. I tried singing once. I even made a demo in Nashville. There are still a few farmers there that try to blame me for their cows going dry.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“Never murder a man who is committing suicide.” – Woodrow Wilson
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” —Proverbs 3:5-6
Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. — Proverbs 31:9
He [Jesus] is before all things, and in him all things hold together. — Colossians 1:17
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request. — 1 Chronicles 4:10
Thought: When our hearts are tuned to God’s will and long to honor him, it is our Father’s delight to bless us in mighty ways. So let’s first set our hearts to do his will. Then, let’s not be afraid to ask God to pour out his blessings on others. Then, let’s also share with him the desires of our heart. Finally, let’s not be surprised at the ways he blesses us!
Prayer: O God, please show yourself to be glorious in the ways that you bless me and those that I love. Help all people to know that these blessing do not come by our wisdom, skill, or strength but from your grace. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Philippians 3:14 NIV = I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 14, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 285 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is PI DAY. (Pi = 3.14, and it’s March 14… or 3/14!) ***So grab a slice of pie – in fact, have 3.14 slices!
Today is MOTH-ER DAY. ***Not MOTHER’S DAY – but MOTH-ER DAY… it’s a day to honor moth collectors. Sending your mother a card in celebration of moths probably won’t win you any brownie points… or slices of pie.
Today is NATIONAL POTATO CHIP DAY. ***The customary snack for couch potatoes!
This is NATIONAL SPRING FEVER WEEK. ***My wife’s Spring Fever is up to about 106-degrees right now. She is READY for Spring.
Today is NO SLEEP DAY – to see if you can go all day and all night without sleep. (Yeah, right.) By the way, this is all because of Robert McDonald, who set the world record for going without sleep in 1986 at 453 hours, 40 minutes — that’s 19 days! ***Robert’s final words were, “That’s it! I’m switching to decaf!”
PHONER: It’s rare that we need to stay up longer than 24-hours, but when you do, what is your secret to staying awake? Loud music? Lots of coffee or soda? Cold air? All of the above? Is there a tip most people don’t know about?
TODAY IS ALSO…
International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers
Potato Chip Day
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.)
Registered Dietitian Day
Save a Spider Day
Write Your Story Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
THURSDAY, MARCH 15
Companies That Care Day
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter
National Farm Rescuer Day
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day
Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 16
Black Press Day
Campfire Girls Day
Freedom of Information Day
Lips Appreciation Day
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence
No Selfies Day
St. Urho’s Day
World Sleep Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 17
Corn Dog Day
International Sports Car Racing Day
St. Patrick’s Day
Worldwide Quilting Day
Play The Recorder Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 18
Awkward Moments Day
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
National Biodiesel Day
MONDAY, MARCH 19
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
National Poultry Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day
TUESDAY, MARCH 20
Alien Abduction Day
Bed-in For Peace Day
Great American Meat Out Day
International Astrology Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Agriculture Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox)
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People
World Sparrow Day
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21
Gallo Wine Day
International Colour Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Kick Butts Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Healthy Fats Day
National Renewable Energy Day
WE Day (Note: This has various dates based on city. Check their website.)
National Single Parent Day
World Down Syndrome Day
World Poetry Day
World Puppetry Day
ON THIS DAY
1903: The first national bird reservation was made in Florida. ***I wonder why they don’t let you reserve birds anymore?
1912: Les Brown was born in Reinerton, Pennsylvania. His Band of Renown was a top draw in the 1940s and ‘50s. Their biggest hit was “Sentimental Journey,” featuring singer Doris Day.
1964: Billboard magazine reported that Beatles recordings were claiming 60% of the singles sales in the U.S.
1964: A jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John Kennedy.
1972: California governor Ronald Reagan pardoned convicted burglar Merle Haggard as “fully rehabilitated.” Haggard had served two-and-a-half years at San Quentin.
1986: Harold W. Arlin died at age 90. In 1920 he was the first announcer at KDKA Pittsburgh, the first radio station.
1989: History’s longest living queen died 56 days before her 97th birthday. The Empress Zita of Austria had been Queen of Hungary from 1916-18.
1990: Church officials in Belgium discovered that eight nuns had sold their convent in Bruges for $1.4 million, moved to France, and bought a castle.
1996: In Texas, thieves stole three candy machines from just outside the office of Dallas Police Chief Ben Click. A city councilman announced immediately that M&Ms were no longer safe in downtown Dallas.
1997: Surgeons at Bethesda Naval Medical Center repaired a torn tendon in President Clinton’s right knee, caused by a freak stumble at the Florida home of golfer Greg Norman.
1998: Singer Jo Dee Messina made her debut on the Grand Ole Opry.
2002: Sentencing for a defendant convicted of driving while intoxicated was postponed in Auburn, New York, when the man showed up in court drunk. Cayuga County Court Judge Peter Corning gave the 24-year-old defendant two weeks to sober up in jail.
2003: Actor Robert Blake was released from jail on $1.5 million bail, 11 months after he was arrested on charges of murdering his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley. He was later acquitted at trial.
2005: Thieves broke into a storage hall in Steinfurt, Germany, and stole 200 fully loaded gumball machines.
2006: President Bush’s approval rating fell to a record low of 33 percent in the newest Pew survey. It was 36 percent in the CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1531: Calvin is made a Bachelor of Laws at Orleans, France. He soon left France for Switzerland where he would become a leader of the reformation, but his logical writings show that his legal education was not in vain.
1643: A charter is granted by the English Parliament to Roger Williams to found Rhode Island, the first American colony to allow freedom of religion. In the picture above he is shown landing in Rhode Island with the aid of friendly Indians.
1873: A long standing Edict against Christianity is revoked in Japan.
1872: Journalist Henry Stanley and explorer-missionary David Livingstone part company, having spent the last five months in Africa together. Stanley returned to England to write his bestseller, How I Found Livingstone. Livingstone, in the meantime, got lost again—in a swamp literally up to his neck. Within a year and a half, he died in a mud hut, kneeling beside his cot in prayer.
1937: Pope Pius XI issues an encyclical against the Nazi “cult”: “Race, nation, state . . . all have an essential and honorable place within the secular order,” he wrote. “To abstract them, however, from the earthly scale of values and make them the supreme norm of all values, including religious ones, and divinize them with an idolatrous cult, is to be guilty of perverting and falsifying the order of things created and commanded by God”.
1949: Dr. Robert P. Evans charters the European Bible Institute in Chicago. Its name was later changed to the Greater European Mission and its headquarters relocated to Wheaton, Illinois.
1951: The Rumanian National Catholic Church, a government entity, takes over all Rumania’s Roman Catholic church establishments in the continuing effort of Communists to control the church.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (Glumdalclitch in Gulliver’s Travels, Dinah Bellman in The Langoliers, Wendy in Finding Neverland) Kate Maberly 36
actor (“TJ Hooker”, Bachelor Party) Adrian Zmed, 64
deejay Rick Dees 68
Actor (When Harry Met Sally, City Slickers, Throw Momma From the Train) Billy Crystal, 70
Actor (“Dallas”) Steve Kanaly, 72 *** “Dallas”-o-files might remember that Steve’s character had an affair with JR’s niece, Lucy. Later Ray turned out to be JR’s half-brother. EWWWWWW!
Actor (Secondhand Lions, Alfred the butler in Batman Begins, Best Supporting Actor Oscars for The Cider House Rules and Hannah and Her Sisters) Michael Caine, 85
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1681 : Georg Philipp Telemann
1912 : Les Brown
1931 : Phil Phillips
1933 : Quincy Jones
1934 : Shirley Scott
1943 : Jim Pons (The Turtles, Mothers Of Invention)
1945 : Walter Parazaider (Chicago)
1945 : Michael Martin Murphy
1950 : Rick Dees
1969 : Michael Bland (Soul Asylum)
1970 : Kristian Bush (Sugarland)
1979 : Jacques Brautbar (Phantom Planet)
1983 : Taylor Hanson (Hanson)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why don’t cats like to get wet?
Not only do cats not like to get wet, they don’t like being asked about it either. Nor do they invite your attention to any of their habits. They are totally independent creatures and will pay you no heed whatsoever – except, of course, at mealtime. But they do want you to know that rumors to the contrary, they are not afraid of water. In fact, bigger cats, such as tigers, actually enjoy swimming. So why do Sylvester, Fluffy, [your cat’s name here] and other house cats never go for a dip? Simply because it’s inconvenient. Did you ever notice how obsessive cats are about cleaning themselves in general, and cleaning off anything that gets on them in particular? If they go for a swim, they would have to lick all that water off their fur. With their busy schedules, they just can’t be bothered: So many mice, so little time!
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
President Trump will get the military parade he’s been wanting, but it will not involve any heavy military vehicles like tanks to avoid doing damage to the streets of Washington. ***Better yet – how about we have nothing going down the parade route and just tell Trump the new vehicles and military uniforms are equipped with stealth technology!
Hate your driver’s license photo? You may be in luck. A bill introduced by California Sen. Josh Newman would allow people to request that more than one photo be taken when they’re posing for their license at the DMV. Senate bill 1407 would also allow people to bring in their own photos and request that they be put on their license. The bill would require the DMV to establish fees for each additional photo that someone might request, plus guidelines for any photos that people might submit themselves. Any revenue generated would go toward the Driver Education and Training Fund. The bill is currently going through the state Senate Transportation and Housing Committee. ***This is exactly what the DMV nationwide needs… a way to slow down the process.
Several people tried to stop a driver of a silver SUV from fleeing the scene after crashing into several cars in Miami, and it was all captured on cellphone video. Some drivers followed the SUV and pulled off the door handle. Another driver got out of his car with a sledge hammer and broke every window on the SUV. Fortunately nobody was injured. The driver of the SUV, whose name was not released, was found and taken into custody. ***So road rage can actually be a GOOD thing!
CareerBuilder.com reports that 33 percent of employers have checked up on employees to see if they’re telling the truth (including checking Facebook and Twitter), while some have gone as far as to ask for a doctor’s note. What happens if you get caught? Twenty-two percent of employers say they have fired someone for playing hooky, while more than half admit they just reprimanded the employee for lying. ***So if you plan on playing hooky, you might want to save the posts and pics until you quit your job or you get a new boss.
This year, there are actually Gender-neutral Mother’s Day cards. They say, “Happy You Day.” ***Wow. I only wish that was a joke.
If you get invited to Khloe Kardashian’s baby shower, brace yourself. She’s registered at Couture Kids and her wish list totals $90,000. Yes, for baby gifts. ***I’m reeeeeally hoping my invitation gets lost in the mail.
A Washington State woman has been charged with attempted murder for allegedly attacking her boyfriend with a samurai sword after she found the dating app Tinder on his phone. ***Hey, if I was dating a woman who attacked me with a samurai sword, I’d be looking for other dating options too.
A lightning strike at a Seventh Day Adventist church in Rwanda on Sunday killed 16 people. ***Sad story – but don’t Seventh Day Adventists attend church on SATURDAYS? So they went against church teaching and got struck by lightning while doing so. I’m just sayin.
A daycare owner in Oregon has been sentenced to 21 years in prison after she gave children melatonin, a sleep-aid, so she could hit the gym and go tanning while they slept. ***No wonder she was running a daycare… gym memberships and tanning salons are expensive! Maybe she can get some melatonin for herself now and try to sleep through her 21 years behind bars.
27 pairs of human hands washed up on an island in Russia. ***It was the first time in history that ocean waves actually waved.
A study says baby talk is the best way to communicate with a dog. ***No word yet on whether it’s good to bark at your children.
12% of Americans had a credit card denied last year. ***Don’t I know it. My wife and I are so break, we got a credit card in the mail and it was pre-declined.
Florida has passed a bill prohibiting marriage to anyone under 17. ***Which makes sense – the Federal government says you have to be at least 18 to go into battle.
The number of heart attacks goes up 24% on the Monday following the spring-forward. One theory is that lost hour of sleep has an impact. ***I think we should make Monday after the spring-forward time change a national holiday and call it “Fred Sanford Day”.
Most of the Houston Astros visited the White House Monday as part of winning the World Series last October. ***It was going well until Kellyanne Conway asked which one of them was the quarterback.
Scientology rolled out their own cable channel this week. It’s programming is available on DirecTV, Apple TV, Roku, Fire TV, iTunes, Google Play and the website Scientology.tv. ***I dunno… a little John Travolta goes a really long way.
Katie Perry has been in court, fighting to be able to buy a Catholic Church estate in southern California. On Friday, one of the elderly nuns who claimed she actually owned the property, collapsed and died in court. ***That was bad enough, but then when interviewed about the incident, she told a reporter, “This Is How We Do”.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(PERENNIAL) Every year we hear March Madness costs employers “over $1 billion in lost productivity.” Not true. Most time management experts agree the average worker wastes roughly the same time every day on non-work activities. So if March Madness games weren’t aren’t going on, we’d be wasting that time on Facebook, or watching cat videos, or taking longer lunches. ***I’m sure that makes our employers feel so much better.
According to a recent study, 11:17AM is the time of day at which most people are miserable. ***But cheer up, because LUNCH is in less than an hour and by two you’ll be FAST ASLEEP UNDER YOUR DESK!
It turns out that we all hate the government: A USA TODAY/Bipartisan Policy Center poll ”finds that Americans by more than 2-1 say the best way to make positive changes in society is through volunteer organizations and charities, not by being active in government. Those younger than 30 are particularly put off by politics. They are significantly less likely than their parents to say participating in politics is an important value in their lives.” ***Now that’s what I call progress!
The British Medical Association has asked its 160,000 members who work in hospitals and general practice across that country not to call pregnant women “mothers” to show sensitivity toward transgender people. ***And THAT is the insanity we’re living in, in 2018.
Scientists says that a mysterious sound is being picked up over the Canadian Arctic. ***My guess it’s the Arctic researchers’ teeth chattering.
Scientists say they’ve finally discovered why smokers tend to gain some weight when they kick the habit. It turns out that nicotine can rev up brain cells that normally signal people to stop eating when they’re full. The weight connection isn’t huge: On average, quitters gain less than 10 pounds. Still, it’s a worry that many smokers cite when asked why they don’t try to quit. Now the question is whether the discovery might lead to better treatments to help them quit without worrying about weight. ***Personally, I think there’s a much simpler explanation to this. The reason people gain weight when they stop smoking is because they’re used to having something in their mouths.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita was sad because she learned that her solo singing career had caused disunity all throughout the jungle. Nobody was cooperating. Then she met up with Racquet the Skunk, and they heard something wonderful coming from the swamp…
CLOSE: If there was ever a good reason to cooperate, staying alive is certainly one of the best reasons! Tune in for more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Just because you’re underage doesn’t mean you can smart off to authorities without some kind of consequence.
Hardly the smartest witness ever. An unnamed 16 year old male witness at a preliminary hearing for an attempted murder case in Sedgwick County, Kansas described details of the incident in question to police, but once in court, he developed amnesia and started answering the prosecution’s questions before they were even finished with short answers like, “nope” suggesting he knew nothing about what happened the day of the attempted murder. The judge told him to let the prosecution finish his questions before he answered. He kept on so the judge told him he was real close to being in contempt, to which the witness responded to the judge, “Well you all are getting real close to (tickin’) me off.” This smart-mouth was sentenced to 30 days in juvenile hall.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN’T BUY WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD
10. A dryer that doesn’t lose your socks
9. The Emperor’s Super Star Destroyer (Star Wars)
8. An easy way out of credit card debt
7. The psychiatric bills you will have to pay because of the trauma of having to cut all your credit cards up
6. “Well, Officer, do you think my MasterCard might change your mind about that ticket?”
5. The intelligence to use it wisely.
4. An escape from all the “Priceless” jokes
3. True friendship
2. Your child’s laughter.
1. Your home in Heaven.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A judge calls the victim stupid and lets the criminal go free!
FILE #1: Spokane police responded to a report of a burglary last week. One of the residents said a man entered the house after forcing open the back door. She said the man wandered into the living room where another woman and a child were sleeping and took off his shoes. After several minutes, the man left, leaving his shoes on the floor. While police were talking with the victims, a man and woman drove up to the house and the man walked in, asking if he could have his shoes back, Cottam said. He told police he was confused about the house, first saying he thought it was a friend’s house, then saying he thought it was his own. The man was booked for residential burglary.
FILE #2: A judge in Winnipeg, Canada called a mugging victim “stupid” for failing to be careful in a rough neighborhood, and then let his attacker go. “If you walk around jingling money in your hand, it’s like walking in the wolf enclosure at the city zoo with a pound of ground beef in your hand.” That is a direct quote from Judge Charles Rubin to the Winnipeg Free Press. The judge said he was not satisfied there was evidence of a robbery but called the victim a “stupid civilian, who admits that he was stupid”. The victim told the newspaper he was “insulted” by Judge Rubin’s remarks. The prosecutor’s office is considering an appeal.
FILE #3: A St. Louis, Missouri lawyer was arrested recently for giving his clients extravagant gifts over a span of 7 years and then inflating their bills with phony charges in order to make them pay for their own gifts. Attorney Michael Lazaroff pled guilty to federal charges that he gave clients gifts over 7 years, totaling $380,000. ***Feel free to insert your favorite lawyer joke right here.
STRANGE LAW: In Wichita, Kansas a man’s mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
In Erfut, Germany, a couple of train buffs are now facing jail time after building their own locomotive and then taking it out for a spin on a public rail line. The six-seated train was made out of garden furniture and salvaged train parts, powered by an electric motor and even had its own refreshments car in the shape of a crate of beer. Residents spotted the unorthodox vehicle and called police who had to call in a helicopter to finally locate the rig. The regular train lines had to suspend all services to avoid a collision although the train buffs had at least chosen to have their drive when there had been no trains scheduled. The men who were arrested on the unauthorized vehicle are currently facing public safety charges.
We’ve all done it… we accidentally dented the car. Me? I ran my 1999 red Ford Taurus into my own mailbox – and then backed up and did it again! How about you – what’s the dumbest way you dented your car?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who said: “The spirit truly is willing, but the flesh is weak.
ANSWER: Jesus – He said this to the three sleepy disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane. (Mark 14:38)
QUESTION: If you’re going to be doing this, the number one color of choice to do it with is purple! What are you doing? (Hint: it has something to do with a game.)
ANSWER: According to suppliers, purple is by far the favorite ink color in dabbers used by bingo players. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Be prepared to take a really long time to get a winner on this one! You may have to give hints as you go along!)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The greater dwarf lemur in Madagascar always gives birth to quadruplets. (False – triplets)
2. The nickel is the only U.S. coin where the person faces right instead of left. (False – the penny is the only one)
3. The number of left-handed men is double that of left-handed women. (True)
4. Approximately 75% of the maple syrup in the world comes from Canada. (True)
5. The life expectancy of a $100 bill is 1 year. (False – nine years)
6. The first fruit eaten on the moon was an apple. (False – peach)
7. California is the US state with the most national park sites. (False, Alaska – it has eight)
8. Approximately one out of four injuries by athletes involve the wrist and hand. (True)
9. Billiards used to be so popular at one time that trading cards were issued featuring players. (True)
10. Historically, a blue ribbon has almost always been awarded for first prize. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
KIM KARDASHIAN IS GOING _______ (BALD)
Sources close to the Kardashians say that the stress of the last year is taking it’s toll on Kim – she’s going bald!
Doctors in Beverly Hills say that Kim Kardashian is suffering from stress-induced baldness and if she doesn’t get control of her life – and her hair – soon, she will be completely bald in six months.
Kim shocked onlookers at Charles De Gaulle airport this morning when she arrived for Paris Fashion Week sporting a large bald spot.
The 31-year-old reality star was seen with a thinning patch at the side of her head. Some witnesses said they saw a bottle of Rogaine in her bag.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Mr. Smith thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, providing the florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on the dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.” His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet. Giving his wife a kiss hello, he said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, Honey. What’s the occasion?”
Hide his car keys out there somewhere.
Four bags o’grass = one tank o’gas.
Lightly spray paint an embarrassing message about your teen on the lawn. “Well, there’s only one way to get rid of it, son….”
Put a video game controller on the lawn mower handle.
“If you don’t, I will … in Bermuda shorts with black socks and dress shoes.”
As Jan stood in the pharmacy line waiting to turn in a prescription, her squirming three-year old daughter, Kate, said,
“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Honey, I can’t take you right now because I’m in line, so just wait a minute,” Jan said.
Her eight-year old son, Michael volunteered to take his sister to the bathroom, and off the two
When they returned Jan asked Michael, “Which bathroom did you use?”
“The men’s because if was closer than the ladies,” he replied. “But don’t worry, Mom. Nobody knew she was a girl because I called her Brian while we were in there.”
On an April day in 1930, the BBC reported, “There is no news.” Instead they played piano music. ***Now you know why people are nostalgic for the past.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. ***If you buy it, it confirms that your dog is smarter than you.
JUST LIKE MOMMY
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. “I’m going to look just like you mommy!” she announced.
“Maybe, when you grow up,” her mother told her.
“No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that ‘Oil of Old Lady’ you always use.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Having a hot foot doesn’t necessarily have to just be an expression.
The City accountancy firm Deloitte & Touche organized a motivational training day for its workers recently. Part of the motivational training was a fire walk – which is supposed to help you trust other people and overcome anxieties. And you accomplish this by walking on hot coals. Barefoot. At Deloitte & Touche, a woman was walking the walk as she was being cheered by her colleagues. She complained of pain to her feet. “Ah, shake it off,” her cheering co-workers scoffed. “It’s all in your head.” And then blisters quickly appeared on the soles of her feet, but the organizers told her they were “fire kisses” and she’d walk normally the next day. But, she (and her feet) eventually had to be taken to the hospital. That same day. And she was off work for 14 days. Magistrates’ Court heard the injured woman and colleagues were told fire walking would be “no more dangerous than walking barefoot on hot sand”. However, it is believed pedicure fluid on her feet from several days earlier reacted with the heat. And the flames reacted with her skin.
When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.
When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.
Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.
My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THE PROMISE OF PEACE – Vernon Grounds
Read: Luke 2:8-15
Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. – 2 Peter 1:2
At Christmastime we love to hear the angelic message of peace on earth. But the message that’s repeated in songs and sermons needs to be heard and heeded every day of the year. We continually hear reports of tragedies around the globe. And we may be troubled by personal problems and crises. We long for and pray for peace.
The Bible provides an answer to that plea for peace. To start with, the apostle Paul assured us in Romans 5:1 that it is possible to have peace with God. Yes, we disobedient and sinful creatures can enter into a state of reconciliation with God through faith in His Son Jesus (v.11).
We can enjoy emotional peace as we cast our cares on the Savior (Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:7). There is also the possibility of interpersonal peace. In Romans 12:18, Paul urged believers, “As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Peace with others can become a reality. Best of all, we can anticipate global peace when our Savior, the Prince of Peace, returns.
By our prayers and by our example, let us be peacemakers who help to fulfill the angelic message: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” (Luke 2:14).
Peace, perfect peace, in this dark world of sin?
The blood of Jesus whispers peace within;
Peace, perfect peace, our future all unknown?
Jesus, we know, and He is on the throne. —Bickersteth
Only the Prince of Peace can bring lasting peace.
The army has a new weapon in its arsenal to trip up the enemy… banana peels!
The United States Marine Corps is a massive fighting force, armed with tanks, bombs, missiles, machine guns, mortars, grenades, high-tech weapons like lasers, we’ve got it all! But up until recently we’d been missing out on a particular weapon that could really allow us to slide to the top. We now have “banana peel in a can”. This might sound like a joke, but it’s the real thing. San Antonio’s Southwest Research Institute has developed a spray-on gel that is so slippery that the Marine Corps believes it will be useful in keeping mobs from attacking embassies or military bases. Tests had people walking across the “banana peel in a can” with no success whatsoever in getting across it.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Finally, some GOOD health news about burgers, fried chicken, potato chips, and cake!
(National Examiner) Junk foods like burgers, fried chicken, potato chips and cake are supposed to be bad for you since they’re loaded with fat and sugar. But a mythbusting study concludes they can help beat killer stress. Researchers fed two groups of lab rats either junk food or a healthy diet and were shocked by the results. “What we found was that the animals that had the junk food diet were much less anxious than those who ate healthy foods,” says study head Professor Margaret Morris. In fact, the animals given the low-fat diet had twice the stress levels as the junk food eaters. And the rats, which wolfed down foods high in sugar and fat, even showed lower levels of depression than the healthy eaters. ***MARLAR: This explains why I’m such a happy person!
JUST FOR FUN
Ever been so mad at your mother that you decided to rob a bank?
…Steven Zea was so mad at his mother, that’s exactly what he did. He hoped to use the money to start a new life, but apparently had second thoughts after the robbery. Three hours after the crime he called 911 and turned himself in. Why was he so mad at his mother? Apparently he had an argument with her on the way to his anger management class. ***MARLAR: Suggestion for Steven – to keep your anger under control, don’t drive with your mother in the car!
TOP SIGNS YOUR I.T. GUY IS A REDNECK
Got his tattoo using a laser printer
Instead of a mouse, he uses a possum
He has several PCs in his front yard, up on blocks
Dog is asleep underneath his front I/O port
His truck has a laptop rack
Instead of “You’ve Got Mail” when he gets an email, his computer plays the General Lee’s car horn from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
What are you doing at bedtime that might be ruining a good night’s sleep?
If you’re having trouble falling asleep, you’re in good company. An estimated 65% of Americans said they encounter sleep problems a few nights each week, according to a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation. Sleeping too little is linked with an increased risk for obesity and depression.
Setting a Bright Alarm Clock — The looming glare of your alarm clock can be distracting when trying to sleep. The goal is to have as dark a room as possible. Block the bright numbers with a book or consider buying a small travel clock. Your cell phone alarm may also do the trick.
Counting Sheep — When you just can’t fall asleep, it’s useless to stay in bed. If you’ve been trying to fall asleep for more than 30 minutes, the National Sleep Foundation suggests doing something mundane, like balancing a checkbook, reading or watching TV. An activity that demands marginal brainpower will lull your mind. Before you know it, you’ll be crawling back into bed genuinely tired.
Exercising Late at Night — Daytime workouts will keep you invigorated for hours. That’s why you don’t want to exercise within three hours of hitting the sack. Intense physical activity raises your body temperature and pumps your energy level, both interrupt a calm transition into sleep.
PHONER: What tricks do you use to get to sleep at night? We could all use a few tips on this subject!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
If your boss is busting your chops for using your computer to catch some adorable animal antics on the Internet, tell him to back off. A recent study reveals that viewing videos and puppy and kitty “cams” on the clock actually makes you better at your job. In a series of experiments conducted at Hiroshima University in Japan, researchers found that people who looked at pictures of sweet little critters outperformed those who do not. “Cute animals not only make us happier, but also affect our behavior,” the researchers write. “This study shows that viewing cut things improves subsequent performances in tasks that require behavioral carefulness, possibly by narrowing the breadth of attention focus.” But make sure those beasts you are gazing at are young’uns the study also revealed that folks who watched babies also outperformed people who looked at photos of adult animals.
You know it’s important to log 7 to 9 hours of slumber, but figuring out how to make that happen is tough. The solution: First, jot down your typical schedule for a few days, paying close attention to morning and evening patterns. Next, come up with a couple of ways you might be able to squeeze in more sleep. For example, instead of spending two hours in front of the TV to unwind, try getting by with just one hour. Then, once in bed, fight the urge to let your mind drift to negative thoughts, that might keep you up. If you start to think, “I’ll never be able to get to sleep,” flip it to the positive and tell yourself, “I’ll fall asleep soon enough.” The tweaks may take getting used to, but it will be worth it when you wake up well rested. (Woman’s Day)
Being in heavy traffic triples the risk of having a heart attack, according to a German study. A small percentage of the study’s participants, all of whom had suffered a heart attack, had been stuck in traffic within an hour of their attack. “One potential factor could be the exhaust and air pollution coming from other cars,” says Dr. Annette Peters, who headed the study. “But we can’t exclude the synergy between stress and air pollution that could tip the balance.” Surprisingly, exposure to heavy traffic seemed to be five times more dangerous for women than men.
Men who consumed a fiber-rich diet reported feeling healthier than those who didn’t, a 2017 study in Food & Nutrition Research showed. Fiber may aid immunity, reducing your risk of inflammatory diseases. Additionally, people who hit 25 grams of fiber a day by eating 1 cup oatmeal, 1 large apple, and 1 cup split peas, got more deep sleep, a 2016 Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine study found. In deep slumber, your day’s memories are stored and organized, says coauthor Marie-Pierre St-Onge, Ph.D., leading to better cognition. (Men’s Health)
How many times have parents asked, “What did you do at school today?” only to hear the same answer: “Nothing.” If you’re not getting the answers you want, chances are, you’re not asking the right questions. You need to pose your queries so they start conversations — and not shut down your child. It’s all about how you ask the questions. Avoid questions with “yes” or “no” answers, and instead ask questions that are open-ended to help your child tell you more about what’s really going on in the classroom. The National Center for Learning Disabilities offers the following tips:
Often kids are not specific, so you have to ask for specific information when you want it.
Starting with factual questions is a great way to ease into conversation.
Avoiding emotion-packed words (such as fun, happy, sad or mean) will allow the conversation to go on longer.
Asking positive questions will give your child a chance to express concerns. Negative questions will stop a conversation.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Good News Network) It’s been 25 years since Chris Street set a basketball record for the most scored consecutive free throws. Now, thanks to Jordan Bohannon, Street’s name will stay in the history books. Street was a forward player for the Iowa Hawkeyes in 1993. During his last game in his junior season, he scored his 34th consecutive free throw, which set a record at the school. Tragically, Street was never able to extend his record because he died in a car accident three days later. Bohannon, who is a current guard for the Hawkeyes, was given the chance to break that record during the team’s match against Northwest. Instead of surpassing Street, however, Bohannon purposefully missed the shot and pointed to the skies in an homage to the deceased player. Until he shorted the shot during this weeks game, Bohannon has not missed a free throw since December, which made him perfect throughout 2018. Not only that, but the Hawkeyes were only leading by 8 points with a little over 2 minutes left on the clock when he missed. Bohannon was still determined to honor the Iowa sports legend. Street’s parents, who have season passes, hugged Bohannon after the game and expressed their appreciation over his touching gesture. “What a good kid. He’s so kind,” Street’s mother told media sources. “That was so special that he thought of Christopher and that record.” (Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=Gm47s0TV-8o)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
An Ohio woman who was eating Planters nuts claims that when she was finishing her snack she bit into a human tooth instead of a cashew. Nickolette Botsford, of Ravenna, wrote in a now-removed Facebook post that as she was eating the nuts while in the car with her mother, she “noticed something very hard in my mouth so naturally I pulled it out and asked my mom what the heck it was ……. yes a human tooth was in my package and I had in my mouth for at least 30-40 seconds!!” Botsford said that after pulling the car over, she threw up “several times” before realizing the tooth had “dried blood” on it. She said that’s when she made a visit to the emergency room, where she said it was confirmed the item was a human tooth. Botsford said she reached out to Planters, a division of Kraft Foods Group, Inc., and played phone tag for a few days before subsequently awaiting a response for three weeks. She said someone was sent out to visit her to pick up the tooth, but added that while she keeps trying to contact the company, “no one seems to want to talk to me.” She later said online that she wants to hire a lawyer to help her get back the money she used to visit the ER, where she was treated for “exposure to blood or bodily fluids.” Kraft Heinz Co. confirmed to Fox News via email that the item was determined to be a “foreign object not expected to be in our product” and the situation is being investigated. The company stated it hasn’t received any related complaints. (FOX News)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
I filled out an application that said, “In Case of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”. What’s my wife going to do? She doesn’t have a medical degree.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 09, 2018…
A Wrinkle In Time—The wait is over for the screen adaptation of Madeline L’Engle’s book, “A Wrinkle In TIme.” Three top stars, with out-of-the-world costumes, are Oprah Winfrey (Mrs. Which), Reese Witherspoon (Mrs. Whatsit) and Mindy Kaling (Mrs. Who). Adapted from the 1962 book, the story centers on a young girl, Meg Murry (Storm Reid) , who has to travel through time in order to find her father and save him from a villain (there always is one.) The “Mrs” are Meg’s guardians as she travels. Meg’s role is one of being the best you can be and full of courage. Also in the cast are Chris Pine (“Star Trek”) as Dr. Murry, Meg’s scientist father. Deric McCabe as Meg’s younger brother, Zach Galifanskis as the Happy Medium and Levi Miller as Calvin, a traveler with Meg. Director is Ava DuVerney (“Selma”) Storm Reid was one of thousands of girls who auditioned for the role of Meg, and this is her movie as she tries to save her family. “A Wrinkle In Time” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.
Gringo—David Oyelowo now stars in this film about an American businessman who travels to Mexico, accidentally is kidnapped and becomes embroiled in crime. What to do? The cast is stellar and includes Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton and Amanda Seyfreid. “Gringo” is rated R. No rating.
Hurricane Heist—Best time to rob a Federal Reserve Bank? How about during a major hurricane and do you expet everything to go as planned? Guess again. The cast includes Toby Kebbel, Maggie Grace and Ben Cross. “Hurricane Heist” is rated R. No rating.
The Upside—A comedy with a twist. Bryan Cranston is a paraplegic and needs someone to help him. Enter Kevin Hart, as a recent parolee who needs a job. Will This work out? What do you think? Also in the cast are Nicole Kidman and Juliana Margolies. “The Upside” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Thoroughbreds—Two wealthy girls, who were friends during childhood and then went separate ways, now, as teens, want to be friends again. Life is different, though. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Joy, Olivia Cooke, Paul Sparks and the late Anton Yelchin from “Star Trek.” The film ”Thoroughbreds” is rated PG 13. No rating.
7 Days In Entebbe (formerly titled “Entebbe”)—Daniel Bruhl and Rosamund Pike star in a film about the hijacking of the Air France Flight 139 from Tel Aviv, Israel to Paris, via Athens, Greece. The hijackers wanted the release of more than 50 prisoners who were being held by authorities for various reasons. The ransom was also 5 million dollars. Things don’t run smoothly, though, and there is discord among the hijackers and then a daring move—a rescue mission. Also in the cast are Mark Ivanir and Vincent Cassel. “7 Days in Entebbe” (or “Entebbe”) is rated R. No rating.
MARCH 16, 2018…
Tomb Raider (and guess who starred in the first film) has Alicia Vikander in the role of Lara Croft this time around.
Love, Simon is a teen comedy/drama about a young teen trying to come out. Stars Nick Robinson.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.