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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160315
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
If I sound a little funny this morning, it means my writers are finally doing something right.
Ready to feel old? The movie, “The Godfather” premiered 43 years ago today. You’re welcome.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 3:13-14
The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. —Deuteronomy 7:9
For by him [Jesus] all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. — Colossians 1:16
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? — 1 Corinthians 3:3
Thought: The Corinthians boasted in their wisdom, giftedness, and tolerance. But, no matter how gifted a church, no matter how full of earthly wisdom, no matter how tolerant, if the people of that church are caught up in petty arguments, cliquishness and ugly quarrels, they are immature. Rather than being a place where Christ is known and shown, their meetings are no more than just a gathering of “mere humans.”We are recreated in Christ to be more!
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10).
Let’s live up to what God has made us to be!
Prayer: Holy and Righteous Father, humble me gently and call me to repentance when I am jealous, quarrelsome, cliquish, or petty. I know you see me as your beloved child, so I ask for the help of the Holy Spirit to help me be who you have made me to be. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Colossians 3:15 NIV = Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 15, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 284 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is the IDES OF MARCH. On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. *** “Beware the Ides of March” is probably the most famous saying we have about Ides. Except for the one that goes, “When Irish Ides Are Smiling.”
Today is INTERNATIONAL BOSS’S DAY OFF… a.k.a “The Ides of March” – on the anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar, emperor of Rome, all leaders should stay home today and beware of assassins! *** And, of course, if the boss takes the day off, it’s that much easier for you to do the same.
In association with The Ides of March, today is NATIONAL BRUTUS DAY, honoring both the back-stabbers of ancient Rome and of contemporary Washington, D.C.
Today is OPEN MINDED HUSBANDS DAY. *** Your goal is to find one.
Today is ACT HAPPY DAY. *** You SHOULD act happy today… especially if you find out your boss is taking the day off, you’re taking the day off, or you find an open-minded husband!
Today is BUZZARDS DAY in Hinckley, Ohio. Which, of course, is a bunch of bull-hockey because the buzzard is a European hawk who wouldn’t be caught dead in Hinckley, Ohio. What Hinckleyites call a buzzard actually is a turkey vulture, a bird of questionable character, rancid breath, and no intelligence whatsoever. Which may explain why he feels at home in Hinckley, Ohio. –Contemporary Comedy
Today is TRUE CONFESSIONS DAY, a day to confess to everyone. *** Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Sounds like pretty good advice. Probably because it was Jesus who said it.
- PHONER: Now is the time to confess something – however small! What do you have to confess and get off your chest? Call in and make your confession to the rest of the world! Remember, confession is good for the soul!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Ides of March
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16
Freedom Of Information Day
Black Press Day
No Selfies Day
St. Urho’s Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 17
Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
Campfire Girls Day
Companies That Care Day
St. Patrick’s Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 18
Awkward Moments Day
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
National Biodiesel Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 19
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 20
Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-In For Peace Day
International Astrology Day
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) at 12:30am EDT
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
MONDAY, MARCH 21
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and the Tree
National Common Courtesy Day
National Renewable Energy Day
Well-Elderly (Wellderly) Day
TUESDAY, MARCH 22
American Diabetes Association Alert Day
As Young As You Feel Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of the Seal
National Goof-Off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day of Water / World Water Day
World Day of Metta
ON THIS DAY
44 BC: Julius Caesar was assassinated.
1869: The Cincinnati Red Stockings became the first all-pro baseball team.
1919: The American Legion was founded. ***MARLAR: Before that, newlyweds had to hold their wedding receptions outside.
1947: Mbongo, history’s heaviest gorilla, died at the San Diego Zoo on this day in 1947. Mbongo weighed 670 pounds. ***MARLAR: It was kind of sad because the other gorillas made fun of him. They’d laugh and yell, “Mbongo, you big ape!”
1955: Colonel Tom Parker became Elvis Presley’s manager. He had managed Hank Snow, Eddy Arnold, and Gene Autry. His 1940s’ promotion of the health tonic Hadicol with the commercial songs “Hadicol Boogie” and “Hadicol Rag” was quite successful.
1956: My Fair Lady opened at the Mark Hellinger Theater on Broadway. It starred Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins and Julie Andrews as Eliza Doolittle.
1964: Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton the first time at the Ritz-Carlton in Montreal. It was Taylor’s fifth marriage and Burton’s second.
1968: Life magazine proclaimed Jimi Hendrix as the most “spectacular” guitarist in the world.
1972: Los Angeles radio station KHJ played Donny Osmond’s “Puppy Love” over and over for 13 consecutive hours. Police finally raided the station to see if some kook had taken it over. But the only kook they could find was deejay Robert W. Morgan.
1989: Dr. Bimol C. Ghosh at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, removed history’s largest gall bladder from a 69-year-old woman. The patient recovered quickly after losing her enlarged 23-pound gallbladder. ***MARLAR: You know, I wouldn’t mind losing a little weight… but that would be an awful extreme way to go about it.
1991: Miami police called the cellular phone in Lynne Rosier’s stolen car; and when a man answered, the officer arranged a meeting to buy the car. The 18-year-old thief was arrested and the car recovered.
1997: Scientists determined the White Cliffs of Dover, one of the national symbols of Britain, get their dazzling whiteness from prehistoric shrimp droppings.
1999: A 19-year-old Sheffield Lake, Ohio, man plea bargained himself into the U.S. Marine Corps after admitting he stole his mother’s credit card to pay for his girlfriend’s $2,496 breast enlargement surgery. He also had to pay a $1,500 fine and re-pay his mother within a year.
1999: Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney, Billy Joel and Dusty Springfield were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
2001: An 18-year-old woman was released from a Dallas hospital after giving birth while in a coma caused by a car accident. She regained consciousness a week after giving birth to a healthy girl. She had been a coma for two months. Her husband said he thought his daughter would never be born and his wife might never regain consciousness. He said he fainted in the delivery room.
2004: Martha Stewart resigned from the board of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia after being convicted in a stock scandal.
2006: After a dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey’s car, he sued the city of Lodi, California, for $3,600. The city denied the claim since Gokey, a city employee, was himself driving the dump truck, bumping his own car. So Gokey’s wife sued the city. But a judge ruled she could not sue her own husband as a city employee.
2007: An Englishman returned from an extended vacation to his London home to find that thieves had stolen everything in his new kitchen, including the sink. The burglars got away with $6,000 worth of new appliances and cabinets.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1517: Needing money to rebuild St. Peter’s basilica, Pope Leo X announces a special sale of indulgences. A Dominican named Johann Tetzel led the way in promoting the sale in Germany and erroneously declared that indulgences would cover future sins (Leo’s forgave all past sins). The teaching angered monk Martin Luther, who soon posted his 95 Theses in response.
1672: Charles II issues his first declaration of indulgence, suspending Parliament’s legislation against Catholic and Protestant dissenters. He was soon forced to rescind the declaration, however, and the following year issued the Test Act, which drove Catholics out of public office.
1729: A Ceremony of Profession was held for Sister St. Stanislaus Hachard at the Ursuline convent in New Orleans, thereby making her the first Catholic woman to become a nun in America.
1839: Scottish clergyman Robert Murray McCheyne wrote in a letter: ‘All my ideas of peace and joy are linked in with my Bible; and I would not give the hours of secret converse with it for all the other hours I spend in this world.’
1856: The first Quaker college in the US, Haverford, is chartered.
1875: In New York City, at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Archbishop John McCloskey, 65, became the first American to be named a cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church.
1950: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘The believer is a displaced person. He loses the controlling features of both environment and heredity.’
1953: The first Southern Baptist church in North Dakota was formed in Williston, with 12 charter members. (The North Dakota Southern Baptist Association was formed the following year with five member churches.)
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Rebecca Calloway on TV’s “Commander-In-Chief,” 2002’s short-lived TV return of “Family Affair” where she played Sissy, and Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya-Sisterhood) Caitlin Wachs 27 (audio clip)
- romance novel model Fabio 55
- Actress (“Reba,” “Empty Nest”) Park Overall, 59 (audio clip)
- Actor (“Taxi’s” Alex Rieger, Independence Day, TV’s “Numbers”) Judd Hirsch 81 (audio clip)
- Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, 81
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1808 : Gaetano Gaspari
1912 : Lightnin’ Hopkins
1931 : D.J. Fontana
1931 : Les Cooper
1932 : Arif Mardin
1936 : Howard Greenfield
1940 : Phil Lesh (The Grateful Dead)
1941 : Mike Love (The Beach Boys)
1942 : Jerry Jeff Walker
1944 : Sly Stone (Sly and the Family Stone)
1944 : David Costell (Gary Lewis and the Playboys)
1946 : Howard Scott (War)
1947 : Ry Cooder
1947 : Frank Lugo (Question Mark and the Mysterians)
1955 : Dee Snider (Twisted Sister)
1962 : Terence Trent d’Arby
1962 : Steve McCoy (Dead Or Alive)
1963 : Brett Michaels (Poison)
1964 : Rockwell
1968 : Jon Schaffer (Iced Earth)
1968 : Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray)
1972 : Mark Hoppus (blink-182)
1977 : DJ Joseph Hahn (Linkin Park)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Who invented the Internet and why?
Imagine someone absent-mindedly going to check their email one day, then suddenly realizing that it hadn’t yet been invented. Actually it would have been more appropriate if this mythical person had wanted to play Quake, Doom, or Warcraft, because it was the U.S. Department of Defense that first ventured into cyberspace. Despite rumors to the contrary, it was NOT Al Gore who invented the internet. It all began in 1969 with ARPAnet, a small, restricted computer network that allowed scientists doing Pentagon research to communicate. In the early 80’s military research was shifted to another network and the National Science Foundation took over the old ARPA technology and opened it to the public. At first, only the techies showed up on line. Gradually schools connected. Then, as PC’s proliferated, public online services such as CompuServe were started. The point and click Web, with graphics, arrived in the early 90s. And it all culminated with MailBits.com – which is now no longer in existence. Now that’s progress.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Hawk Nelson is in good hands as bass player Dan Biro recovers from knee replacement surgery. Tenth Avenue North bass player Ruben Juarez is filling in for Dan in his absence. Ruben posted: the only thing better than listening to Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson is getting to play that song WITH them.
Jamie Grace recently put her father to work. Her parents joined her for an event over the weekend so Jamie had her dad join her on the drums.
Something new this week for Mandisa. She is on the Rock and Worship Road Show tour and shared that she was joining the rest of those on her bus in watching Star Wars for the first time in her life.
It’s March and that means it’s time to start thinking about Christmas music, at least if you are a Christian artist. Paul Baloche reported that he has been recording some brand new Christmas music this month. No word yet on if we can look forward to Christmas worship 3 from Paul this fall.
What are your thoughts on the time change? Jamie Grace says she has mixed emotions. She tweeted: I love that it’s still light out but I want that extra hour back. I don’t know what to think!!!
The Sidewalk Prophets’ Tourney Pick’m game is back. Last year over 250 people took part in the March Madness Bracket competition put on each year by the band. This year they are inviting you to join in. Simply enter the password “livelikethat” to sign up. https://yho.com/tourney?g=60846&k=0abd92a64a118d82&soc_trk=lnk
Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey is back on his feet after a bout with the flu. He reported: Feeling much better. Thanks for the prayers. Take that 24 hour flu!
What started as a goal to help 100 kids has now impacted thousands of lives. Show Hope, the adoption and orphan care vision of Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman, posted this week: God used the Chapmans’ dream of helping 100 kids come home to help more than 5,000 children.
Shawn Craig of Phillips, Craig, and Dean recently posted: “Here’s something I’m learning: God doesn’t waste your waiting.” That’s the subject of his latest blog; the topic of waiting. From prayer requests to the line in the grocery store; we all spend a lot of time waiting. But Shawn points out that sometimes the working of God is in the waiting. Read the entire blog…
Hawk Nelson bass player Daniel Biro had knee replacement surgery last week and the reports are good. Daniel posted: Thanks for the prayers everyone! Surgery went better than expected.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Astronaut Scott Kelly, just back from nearly a year in space, has announced plans to retire from NASA in April. He spent 340 days in space during the year-long mission, and altogether has spent 520 days in space. ***But he’s retiring because it’s only on Earth that he can find a Starbucks.
The all-you-can-eat restaurant chain Hometown Cafe has filed for bankruptcy. ***It’s just a guess, but I’m thinking that “all you can eat” policy might’ve had something to do with it.
Police in Tennessee allege a suspected burglar broke into a residence last week and told the homeowner he was there to save Taylor Swift, whom he claimed was his wife. ***Yet Taylor Swift has never mentioned this guy. Sounds like there might be some BAD BLOOD there….
Due to a risk of fire or explosion, the NYPD is advising New Yorkers not to sleep with their cell phones. ***Unless you’re a Trump supporter, then they encourage it.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Running on empty may not be such a bad idea after all. Though many athletes eat before training, some scientists say that if you really want to get rid of more fat, you should skip the pre-workout snack. ***MARLAR: But can I still have my mid-workout Kit Kat?
Turn on your TV during prime time and you’ll inevitably see a load of celebrity faces, ranging from Oscar winners to “Wasn’t that the guy in that show we watched that one time?” Attaching a star to a brand is something that advertisers have been doing for many decades. But science says that people just don’t care, and that it may have a negative impact on the brand the celebrity is pushing. ***MARLAR: Which means you’re much better off having an average joe pitch your project. So please contact my agent if you’re interested in hiring me to endorse your product!
In a survey by the Atkins Diet folks, we learn 54% think about food more than sex – and 1 in 10 would feel worse cheating on a diet than on a partner. ***MARLAR: Because partners are less-fattening.
A recent study shows that nearly half of defensive and offensive linemen playing high school football in Iowa are overweight. And one in ten could be considered severely obese. Players say there’s pressure to get bigger, whether it comes from parents, coaches or within. They say they look up to college and pro football players — some of whom top 300 pounds. ***MARLAR: What do you expect when you’re required to play with what’s called a pig-skin? Isn’t that just a giant pork-rind?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Airplane Black Box”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Safe Cars”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey – driven to the edge of madness for not being able to do anything better than Mozart (Steve Mozart, that is) – decided he’d had enough. He charted a flight with Jean Claude the flying squirrel’s plane to leave the jungle for places unknown…
CLOSE: Well, if Millard’s envy, jealousy, and hatred of Mozart doesn’t kill him, Jean Claude’s flying very well may! Where in the world can Millard relocate to get away from Steve Mozart? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 19/20
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: Oooookay. Personally, I think the song stinks. I’d much rather hear some three-part harmony – I’m sure the Cheetah sisters would too. Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Does dog-repellent also work on postal carriers?
A Louisiana mailman had the unfortunate experience of being sprayed with his own dog repellent! The unnamed postal worker was making his rounds in Slidell around midday Saturday when an angry, growling dog approached. The postman whipped out his can of government-issued dog repellent and got off two quick shots at the snarling dog. That’s when the dog’s master, Joe Bates, decided to get involved. Bates allegedly ran up, knocked the can out of the mailman’s hand, picked it up and started spraying the hapless civil servant with his own defense weapon. The postal worker took off, but not fast enough to avoid getting hit squarely in the back by the spray can, which Bates threw at him. He was arrested later for aggravated battery.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PSYCHIATRIST MAY NOT BE LEGIT
- He accepts most major insurance plans, or gummi bears — either way.
- Instead of a pad & paper, takes notes on an Etch-A-Sketch.
- When handing you a prescription, he directs you “down the fire escape and behind the dumpster” to a pharmacist named “Goodtime Larry”
- His diplomas on the wall are all from “prestigious, non-accredited universities”.
- He starts every explanation with, “Sigmund Frodo once said …”
- When you tell him how miserable your parents have made you, for an extra fee he offers to have them rubbed out.
- The framed “Certified Internet Priest” certificate next to the framed “Certified Internet Psychiatrist” certificate.
- His favored prescription: nitrous oxide.
- His “office” is a motorhome.
- After two minutes, he diagnoses your problem as being “completely crazy”.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
You’ve heard of the good cop-bad cop routine. Well, Sergeant Dwayne Gill says he’s the good cop, funny cop…
FILE #1: … By day, Gill wears the uniform of the Michigan State Police. By night, you’ll find him doing stand-up. Gill was named the World’s Funniest Cop at a police conference in 2006. He even appreciates humor from the people he pulls over. Gill says if you make him laugh, he’ll probably let you go. ***MARLAR: “You mind telling me why you’re in such a hurry, Sir?” “Well, officer… it’s the funniest story…”
FILE #2: Thieves broke into an Ohio agency that serves the poor and made off with a safe. The only catch — the safe was empty. Susan Simpkins, director of the agency, said the safe was “very heavy, and they did us a favor by taking it.” She said the agency had wanted to throw out the safe but it was too big to move.
FILE #3: Two thieves abandoned their rental car in Port of Spain, Trinidad, in May and escaped, leaving a sheep and three goats in the car, allegedly rustled from a farmer. The sheep was wearing a dress, and the goats wore shirts, pants and hats. Police guessed the thieves had dressed the animals to avert suspicion, but with nightfall approaching, the driver actually created suspicion when he failed to turn on his headlights.
STRANGE LAW: In Hartford, Connecticut, it’s against the law to walk across the street on your hands.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Call it a case of B-U-I — biking under the influence.
Police in Cincinnati say they busted a drunk man who was riding his bike in traffic. Officers say they stopped Archie Johnson after seeing his bicycle swerving. Police report his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. He’s now charged with operating a vehicle under the influence and resisting arrest.
Today is “BOSS’ DAY OFF” (Ides of March). What do you like to do when the boss is out of the office?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What brother of Jesus does Paul call an apostle?
ANSWER: James (Galatians 1:19)
QUESTION: What fuel used for producing electricity is created at Los Angeles’ LAX airport from leftover food?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- In Australia, a common “Boxing day” activity is surfing. (True)
- In the 1930’s, American track star Jesse Owens used to race against horses and dogs to earn a living. (True)
- Karate actually originated in Thailand. (False, it originated in India – but was developed further in China)
- The first recorded car theft was in 1896. (True – just 10 years after the introduction of the gas-powered engine)
- The first company to mass produce teddy bears was the Ideal Toy Company. (True)
- When the Pez mint dispenser was first introduced it was meant to replace the activity of smoking. (True)
- The labels for Crayola crayons come in 68 different colors. (False – 18 different colors)
- At just four years old Mozart was able to learn a piece of music in half an hour. (True)
- The Arctic ocean is the smallest and shallowest. (True – it is mostly covered by solid ice, ice floes, and icebergs)
- The largest US city in area is Los Angeles, California. (False – it’s Juneau, Alaska, which covers 3,108 square miles. Los Angeles covers only 458.2 square miles.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: THE _______ IS FALLING (SKY)
Recent research by climate scientists in New Zealand, global cloud heights have dropped and the sky will fall by the end of the year.
Researchers at The University of Auckland have reported a decreasing trend in average global cloud heights from 2000 to last year, based on data gathered by the Multi-angle Imaging SpectroRadiometer (MISR) on NASA’s Terra satellite. The change over the multi-year span was 100 to 130 feet, and was mostly due to fewer clouds at higher altitudes. Researchers at Rutgers University in New Jersey have also noticed that “the sky” in general has fallen about 90 feet.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A married couple were browsing in a crafts store when the husband noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument he thought to be a mouth harp. The husband put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, the man’s wife came up and whispered in his ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, “Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” the Professor instructed.
The student then recited: Okay, I’d tell him, “I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally…”
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”
The Scientific Staffing Company of Des Plaines, Illinois did research to find out the most effective way for companies to retain scientific professionals. According to their study, the best way is to give them better pay and benefits. ***MARLAR: Boy, using the scientific method sure gives you surprising results sometimes…
A Tufts University study of mice found that pregnancy sends new stem cells to a woman’s brain and rejuvenates her mind. ***MARLAR: That must be only during the pregnancy itself, because I have yet to see a new mother be rejuvenated and energetic.
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, sir.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Sometimes, even the people who invent new gadgets can’t figure out how the gadgets work!
Technical University of Eindhoven in the Netherlands found that half the gadgets returned to stores as “malfunctioning” actually worked fine, but the customers just couldn’t figure out how to operate them. With a flood of new devices, from MP3 players to home theaters, hitting stores, the study found that the average US consumer will struggle with a new one for 20 minutes before giving up. The researcher also gave new gadgets to a group of Phillips Electronics managers and sent them home over the weekend. They came back frustrated because even they couldn’t figure out how to get them to work. ***MARLAR: I know exactly how they feel. During Christmas I spent two days trying to download music into an electric beard trimmer.
A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer
“Lord, I can’t go on,” he said. “I have too heavy a cross to bear.”
The Lord replied, “My son, if you can’t bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish.”
The man was filled with relief and said, “Thank you Lord,” and he did as he was told.
Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.
“I’d like that one, Lord,” he whispered.
The Lord replied, “My son that is the cross you just brought in.”
When life’s problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)
Read: Hebrews 5:11-6:3
Let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity. –Hebrews 6:1
To disco, or not to disco… that is the question. Students at prestigious Cambridge University in England recently had to write a paper on “tragedy”… but not in a way you might expect.
You see, the “classic” line the pupils were prompted to discuss was not Shakespearean but Bee Gees-ean! They were asked to analyze the lyric from a 1979 Bee Gees pop tune that goes, “It’s tragedy… tragedy when you lose control and you got no soul, it’s tragedy.” Hmmm.
The Campaign for Real Education caught wind of this tragic situation. Before you could say “King Lear,” they had royally condemned the exam question. “Tragedy is part of English literature that does not need to be soiled with pop lyrics,” said spokesman Nick Seaton.
Whether you agree with Nick or not, some of the stuff being passed off these days as real college-level courses is pretty tragic. So are the efforts some students make to study and learn.
The writer of Hebrews implored believers in Christ to grow in the deeper truths of God and His Word. He knew that it was the only way they could train themselves “to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:14).
It is important for us to grow in knowledge of God and His Word. At the same time, we must do our very best in our studies at school.
This means steering away from “fluff” or nonsense courses and digging deeply into the courses we do take. When we don’t apply ourselves in our studies, we’re wasting the abilities God has given us. We are also less prepared–not possessing knowledge that may help us reach people more effectively for Christ.
So drop that milk bottle (Hebrews 5:13) and pick up your textbooks. To waste the mind God has given you would truly be a tragedy!
THIS KISS, THIS KISS…
A woman in China is suing because she’s no longer able to kiss.
A Chinese woman is seeking compensation after a car accident left her unable to eat properly and causes her to suffer from short-term memory loss. But she’s not suing because of those things. She is suing because she claims that the accident, which left her with two broken front teeth and cut lips, has hindered her ability to kiss. She’s suing the driver that caused the accident for about $4,700. The lawsuit accuses the driver of depriving the woman of her rights to her “body, health, kissing and property”. Legal experts say China’s legal system does not cover “kissing rights” but her case could fall under compensation regulations based on personal damages. ***MARLAR: The defendant is begging for her to simply kiss and make up.
LIFE… LIVE IT
WANT TO BE DEPRESSED AND MISERABLE?
(From Charles B. Beckert, Ph.D.)
- Really concentrate on mistakes that you’ve made, especially mistakes you can’t do anything about.
- Always compare yourself to others. This works best when you compare your worst traits with their best traits.
- When someone else has a problem, be sure to make it your problem too. For added misery, you can also find some way to blame yourself for their problems.
- Spend as much time and energy as possible criticizing and judging yourself and everyone else. The longer the list of negatives about people, the better your misery.
- Make sure you look at the bad side of everything. There’s always some bad to be found in every situation, but you may have to get creative in order to find it.
- Be a perfectionist. Set goals for yourself and others that are way too high. This works best if you often remind yourself that you are not good enough. It also enhances the misery of others if you remind them that they’re not good enough either.
- Hole-up in your room. Avoid friends and family, especially the ones who really love you.
- Always strive to please everyone all the time. Make sure that you don’t waste any energy on making yourself happy.
- Let your self-worth be decided by whether others like and accept you. A helpful hint is to do things you don’t be believe in and say things that you wouldn’t normally say in order to be accepted.
- Base your worth as a person on how you look and what you have.
- Don’t ever forgive yourself. Hold grudges against yourself when you don’t live up to your standards and the standards of others.
- Avoid doing anything new or empowering. You definitely don’t want to risk success.
- At all costs, avoid activities and people where you feel good about yourself. There are lots of people and places that support you in feeling worthless and miserable…spend as much time as possible there.
- Make sure that your self-worth is based on whether or not you have a boyfriend. Settle for some loser that treats you really badly so that you won’t be without a boyfriend.
- Some people find that they are miserable being miserable. If this is you, you might try doing the absolute opposite of all the strategies above and see what wonderful things happen!
JUST FOR FUN
SAFE AND SORRY
A woman gets her fingers in a jam while putting money in a safe!
If someone ever says that it’s better to be safe, they’ve never met Elizabeth Mefford. Elizabeth got her hand stuck in her 7-Eleven store’s safe. She had been dropping rolls of coins in the safe, but the rolls kept falling out. She pushed her fingers farther into the deposit chute, trying to get them to stay put. It was then that her hand got stuck in the deposit chute and wouldn’t budge. A short time later, she was on a gurney with the 3-foot-tall, 600-pound safe latched onto her hand. Paramedics drove her straight past a hospital to an industrial shop where workers used a small crane to lift Mefford and the safe onto a makeshift operating table. Workers removed the safe’s locking mechanism and soon freed her hand. ***MARLAR: You know those signs in convenience stores that say “Employees cannot open safe”? Who knew the sign was meant to be taken literally?
SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD BOSS
- The office bathroom key is tied to an angry ferret.
- He uses all the old jars of white out to paint his fingernails.
- His strict ‘no talking’ policy during “The Price is Right”
- Every time he returns from McDonald’s he brings you a job application.
- Annual company retreat: the local Texaco for Cheetos and Yoo-Hoo
- Instead of replacing the broken copy machine, he hires some guy to sit in a room with a quill pen.
- Every time he comes to your cubicle, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
- The unbearable stench of Vicks Vaporub and cheddar cheese in his office
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
BEING A KID IS HARD WORK
All work and no play can make your kids dull boys and girls. And the American Academy of Pediatrics has a few thoughts on the matter.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that kids need more good, old-fashioned playtime for healthy development. They say parents can overdo it on the educational videos and classes to help kids excel. That even goes for organized sports activities such as soccer. While that lets kids run around, they’re still being told what to do. Numerous studies have shown that unstructured play can help children become creative, discover their own passions, develop problem-solving skills, relate to others and adjust to school settings. Plus, it’s just a lot of fun.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Ten ideas to help you diffuse your anger when a child misbehaves from Family Life Today
- Take a few deep breaths.
- Take a time-out in the bathroom—and lock the door.
- Be spontaneous—don’t say a word to the kids, but instead go outside and start blowing bubbles
- Open your Bible and quickly thumb through your index to find some Scriptures on anger.
- Turn on a movie for the kids and jump in the bathtub.
- Start a tickle fight.
- Read a book together.
- Spend some one-on-one time with the perpetrator.
- Stop feeling guilty and inadequate.
Barbra and Zac recently entered the Clark County Jail in Jeffersonville, Indiana. It was the first day of their lockup in a place known for violence and illicit activity. But Barbra and Zac have one difference from the other inmates. They are two of the seven volunteers going undercover as inmates to expose what really happens behind bars for a radical new A&E reality TV series “60 Days In.” For “60 Days In,” these innocent people are given fake identities and serve time for fake crimes, but the consequences are very real. No one on the inside, neither the guards nor their fellow inmates, knew that Zac, Barbra and the other participants were actually part of the reality show.
A pastor who was shot six times in his church parking lot in Idaho has regained consciousness in what many are calling a miraculous recovery. Tim Remington was shot six times by suspect Kyle Odom. He was taken to the hospital where he was treated for his injuries. He recently regained consciousness and his condition has been upgraded to “fair.” Remington had spoken and given a prayer at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz the day before being shot. It is not known if there is a connection between Remington’s presence at the rally and his being shot.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
For most of us, life is the easy part. It’s living that is the real challenge. – Darren Marlar
Oh, if my wife is listening: Honey, I’ll be home in 15 minutes to fix the disposal — so go ahead and call the ambulance now so they’ll be ready for me.
MRS. MURPHY’S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he’s out of town.
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals — dying of nothing.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 11, 2016…
Brothers Grimsby—Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong discover they are not only brothers, but Strong is a police officer and needs Cohen’s help. What a team that will make! Also in the cast is Ian McShane. “Brothers Grimsby” is rated R. No rating.
The Other Side Of The Door—A child passes away and the mother wants to communicate with the child. This is the premise of a supernatural film starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. Who really does know what is on the other side of any door? “The Other Side Of The Door” is rated R. No rating.
10 Cloverfield Lane—John Goodman stars in this movie of a man who offers underground protection to a family when a major disaster occurs. After a bit, was there really a disaster? Someone’s sinister plan? “10 Cloverfield Lane” is rated R. No rating.
Young Messiah (current title, this title could change)—This film tells the story of the young Jesus, known as Jesus Bar-Joseph, when he was a child in Egypt. It was tough growing up there and parents telling him he was special. The family hears that it might be safe to go back to Nazareth, but one king is dead and another reigns. The cast includes Sean Bean, David Bradley and Christian McKay. “Young Messiah” is rated PG-13. No rating.
Eye In The Sky—Helen Mirren is head of a drone attack squad and her top man is Aaron Paul. What happens when they are ordered to do a hit and children are there? Also in the cast is the late Alan Rickman. “Eye In The Sky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Hello, My Name Is Doris—Sally Field takes on the role of Doris, an older woman who now feels empowered and decides to date…a man (Max Greenfield) way younger than she is. How people will talk. “Hello, My Name Is Doris” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
MARCH 18, 2016…
Divergent: Alligant continues the storyline from the YA book series. Stars Shailene Woodley and Theo James.
Midnight Special tells the story of a parent trying to protect his child who may have supernatural powers. Stars Michael Shannon.
The Bronze stars Melissa Rausch (“Big Bang Theory”) in the true story of an injured gymnast. Rescheduled from an earlier date.
Ben Wheatley’s High Rise stars Tom Hiddleston as a lonely man who rents an apartment and doesn’t like the neighbors.
Preppie Connection has Thomas Mann in a true story of a college kid who becomes a top-notch drug dealer.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.