March 15, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180315
PDF: 20180315

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

If I sound a little funny this morning, it means my writers are finally doing something right.

Ready to feel old? The movie, “The Godfather” premiered 45 years ago today. You’re welcome.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I can’t talk about my opponent the way I would like to sometimes, because I try to think that I am a Christian.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 3:13-14

The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. —Deuteronomy 7:9

For by him [Jesus] all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. — Colossians 1:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? — 1 Corinthians 3:3

Thought: The Corinthians boasted in their wisdom, giftedness, and tolerance. But, no matter how gifted a church, no matter how full of earthly wisdom, no matter how tolerant, if the people of that church are caught up in petty arguments, cliquishness and ugly quarrels, they are immature. Rather than being a place where Christ is known and shown, their meetings are no more than just a gathering of “mere humans.”We are recreated in Christ to be more! Ephesians 2:10 states: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Let’s live up to what God has made us to be!

Prayer: Holy and Righteous Father, humble me gently and call me to repentance when I am jealous, quarrelsome, cliquish, or petty. I know you see me as your beloved child, so I ask for the help of the Holy Spirit to help me be who you have made me to be. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 3:15 NIV = Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 15, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
284 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is the IDES OF MARCH. On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. ***”Beware the Ides of March” is probably the most famous saying we have about Ides. Except for the one that goes, “When Irish Ides Are Smiling.”

Today is INTERNATIONAL BOSS’S DAY OFF… a.k.a “The Ides of March” – on the anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar, emperor of Rome, all leaders should stay home today and beware of assassins!  ***And, of course, if the boss takes the day off, it’s that much easier for you to do the same.

In association with The Ides of March, today is NATIONAL BRUTUS DAY, honoring both the back-stabbers of ancient Rome and of contemporary Washington, D.C.

Today is OPEN MINDED HUSBANDS DAY.  ***Your goal is to find one.

Today is ACT HAPPY DAY.  ***You SHOULD act happy today… especially if you find out your boss is taking the day off, you’re taking the day off, or you find an open-minded husband!

Today is BUZZARDS DAY in Hinckley, Ohio. Which, of course, is a bunch of bull-hockey because the buzzard is a European hawk who wouldn’t be caught dead in Hinckley, Ohio. What Hinckleyites call a buzzard actually is a turkey vulture, a bird of questionable character, rancid breath, and no intelligence whatsoever. Which may explain why he feels at home in Hinckley, Ohio. (Contemporary Comedy)

Today is TRUE CONFESSIONS DAY, a day to confess to everyone. ***Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Sounds like pretty good advice. Probably because it was Jesus who said it.

  • PHONER: Now is the time to confess something – however small! What do you have to confess and get off your chest? Call in and make your confession to the rest of the world! Remember, confession is good for the soul!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Brutus Day
Companies That Care Day
Buzzards Day
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter
National Farm Rescuer Day
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day
Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MARCH 16

Black Press Day
Campfire Girls Day
Curlew Day
Freedom of Information Day
Goddard Day
Lips Appreciation Day
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence
No Selfies Day
Panda Day
St. Urho’s Day
World Sleep Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 17

Corn Dog Day
International Sports Car Racing Day
St. Patrick’s Day
Worldwide Quilting Day
Play The Recorder Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
National Biodiesel Day

MONDAY, MARCH 19

Client’s Day
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
National Poultry Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Bed-in For Peace Day
Great American Meat Out Day
International Astrology Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Agriculture Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox)
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People
World Sparrow Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day
Gallo Wine Day
International Colour Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Kick Butts Day
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Healthy Fats Day
National Renewable Energy Day
Poetry Day
Twitter Day
WE Day (Note: This has various dates based on city.  Check their website.)
National Single Parent Day
World Down Syndrome Day
World Poetry Day
World Puppetry Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Data Innovation Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)
World Day of Metta

ON THIS DAY

44 BC: Julius Caesar was assassinated.

1869: The Cincinnati Red Stockings became the first all-pro baseball team.

1919: The American Legion was founded. ***Before that, newlyweds had to hold their wedding receptions outside.

1947: Mbongo, history’s heaviest gorilla, died at the San Diego Zoo on this day in 1947. Mbongo weighed 670 pounds. ***It was kind of sad because the other gorillas made fun of him. They’d laugh and yell, “Mbongo, you big ape!”

1955: Colonel Tom Parker became Elvis Presley’s manager. He had managed Hank Snow, Eddy Arnold, and Gene Autry. His 1940s’ promotion of the health tonic Hadicol with the commercial songs “Hadicol Boogie” and “Hadicol Rag” was quite successful.

1956: My Fair Lady opened at the Mark Hellinger Theater on Broadway. It starred Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins and Julie Andrews as Eliza Doolittle.

1964: Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton the first time at the Ritz-Carlton in Montreal. It was Taylor’s fifth marriage and Burton’s second.

1968: Life magazine proclaimed Jimi Hendrix as the most “spectacular” guitarist in the world.

1972: Los Angeles radio station KHJ played Donny Osmond’s “Puppy Love” over and over for 13 consecutive hours. Police finally raided the station to see if some kook had taken it over. But the only kook they could find was deejay Robert W. Morgan.

1989: Dr. Bimol C. Ghosh at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, removed history’s largest gall bladder from a 69-year-old woman. The patient recovered quickly after losing her enlarged 23-pound gallbladder. ***You know, I wouldn’t mind losing a little weight… but that would be an awful extreme way to go about it.

1991: Miami police called the cellular phone in Lynne Rosier’s stolen car; and when a man answered, the officer arranged a meeting to buy the car. The 18-year-old thief was arrested and the car recovered.

1997: Scientists determined the White Cliffs of Dover, one of the national symbols of Britain, get their dazzling whiteness from prehistoric shrimp droppings.

1999: A 19-year-old Sheffield Lake, Ohio, man plea bargained himself into the U.S. Marine Corps after admitting he stole his mother’s credit card to pay for his girlfriend’s $2,496 breast enlargement surgery. He also had to pay a $1,500 fine and re-pay his mother within a year.

1999: Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney, Billy Joel and Dusty Springfield were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

2001: An 18-year-old woman was released from a Dallas hospital after giving birth while in a coma caused by a car accident. She regained consciousness a week after giving birth to a healthy girl. She had been a coma for two months. Her husband said he thought his daughter would never be born and his wife might never regain consciousness. He said he fainted in the delivery room.

2004: Martha Stewart resigned from the board of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia after being convicted in a stock scandal.

2006: After a dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey’s car, he sued the city of Lodi, California, for $3,600. The city denied the claim since Gokey, a city employee, was himself driving the dump truck, bumping his own car. So Gokey’s wife sued the city. But a judge ruled she could not sue her own husband as a city employee.

2007: An Englishman returned from an extended vacation to his London home to find that thieves had stolen everything in his new kitchen, including the sink. The burglars got away with $6,000 worth of new appliances and cabinets.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1517: Needing money to rebuild St. Peter’s basilica, Pope Leo X announces a special sale of indulgences. A Dominican named Johann Tetzel led the way in promoting the sale in Germany and erroneously declared that indulgences would cover future sins (Leo’s forgave all past sins). The teaching angered monk Martin Luther, who soon posted his 95 Theses in response.

1672: Charles II issues his first declaration of indulgence, suspending Parliament’s legislation against Catholic and Protestant dissenters. He was soon forced to rescind the declaration, however, and the following year issued the Test Act, which drove Catholics out of public office.

1729: A Ceremony of Profession was held for Sister St. Stanislaus Hachard at the Ursuline convent in New Orleans, thereby making her the first Catholic woman to become a nun in America.

1839: Scottish clergyman Robert Murray McCheyne wrote in a letter: ‘All my ideas of peace and joy are linked in with my Bible; and I would not give the hours of secret converse with it for all the other hours I spend in this world.’

1856: The first Quaker college in the US, Haverford, is chartered.

1875: In New York City, at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Archbishop John McCloskey, 65, became the first American to be named a cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church.

1950: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘The believer is a displaced person. He loses the controlling features of both environment and heredity.’

1953: The first Southern Baptist church in North Dakota was formed in Williston, with 12 charter members. (The North Dakota Southern Baptist Association was formed the following year with five member churches.)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Rebecca Calloway on TV’s “Commander-In-Chief,” 2002’s short-lived TV return of “Family Affair” where she played Sissy, and Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya-Sisterhood) Caitlin Wachs 29 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Desperate Housewives”, “The Young And The Restless”) Eva Longoria, 43

  • Romance novel model Fabio 59

  • Actress (“Reba,” “Empty Nest”) Park Overall, 61 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Taxi’s” Alex Rieger, Independence Day, TV’s “Numbers”) Judd Hirsch 83 (audio clip)

  • Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1808 : Gaetano Gaspari

1912 : Lightnin’ Hopkins

1931 : D.J. Fontana

1931 : Les Cooper

1932 : Arif Mardin

1936 : Howard Greenfield

1940 : Phil Lesh (The Grateful Dead)

1941 : Mike Love (The Beach Boys)

1942 : Jerry Jeff Walker

1944 : Sly Stone (Sly and the Family Stone)

1944 : David Costell (Gary Lewis and the Playboys)

1946 : Howard Scott (War)

1947 : Ry Cooder

1947 : Frank Lugo (Question Mark and the Mysterians)

1955 : Dee Snider (Twisted Sister)

1962 : Terence Trent d’Arby

1962 : Steve McCoy (Dead Or Alive)

1963 : Brett Michaels (Poison)

1964 : Rockwell

1968 : Jon Schaffer (Iced Earth)

1968 : Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray)

1972 : Mark Hoppus (blink-182)

1975 : will.i.am (Black Eyed Peas)

1977 : DJ Joseph Hahn (Linkin Park)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Who invented the Internet and why?

Imagine someone absent-mindedly going to check their email one day, then suddenly realizing that it hadn’t yet been invented. Actually it would have been more appropriate if this mythical person had wanted to play Quake, Doom, or Warcraft, because it was the U.S. Department of Defense that first ventured into cyberspace. Despite rumors to the contrary, it was NOT Al Gore who invented the internet. It all began in 1969 with ARPAnet, a small, restricted computer network that allowed scientists doing Pentagon research to communicate. In the early 80’s military research was shifted to another network and the National Science Foundation took over the old ARPA technology and opened it to the public. At first, only the techies showed up on line. Gradually schools connected. Then, as PC’s proliferated, public online services such as CompuServe were started. The point and click Web, with graphics, arrived in the early 90s. And it all culminated with MailBits.com – which is now no longer in existence. Now that’s progress.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Hackers target the Pentagon’s computers as much as 250,000 times a year.  ***And now you know the first step in finding future NSA workers!

It is being reported that Dropbox is going public. ***So I guess I’ll have to find somewhere else to store my private files.

According to a report in the journal “JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery,” taking selfies at a distance of about 12 inches from the face increases perceived nose size by nearly 30%. Researchers now are cautioning that patients interested in cosmetic procedures should not turn to self-photographs as guidance when considering making changes to their faces.  ***They say the camera adds ten pounds – who knew it was all in the nostrils?!?!

Heather Locklear was charged Monday with four misdemeanor counts of battery on an officer or emergency personnel, and one misdemeanor count of resisting or obstructing an officer.  ***It’s possible she was under the influence at the time, because she kept saying she was a cop and asking the jailers to call her Sergeant, T.J. Hooker.

A Maryland police officer (Jose A. Barahona) is accused of stealing several items during his off-duty security job at a Walmart, including instant oatmeal and two boxes of condoms. ***Oatmeal and condoms – wow, he’s a party animal.

Pok Wong is suing Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge for the equivalent of around $80,000, claiming that two years of study has left her with nothing more than a “Mickey Mouse” degree that has not helped her career at all – despite graduating first in her class. She also says that the claims the institution made about a “quality education and prospect of employment after graduation” were fraudulent. Wong said she moved from Hong Kong to study at the university’s Lord Ashcroft International Business School in Cambridge after being won over by the claims in the prospectus. But the 29-year-old, who has lodged documents with London county court, alleged that the university failed to deliver and accused it of a breach of contract and fraudulent misrepresentation, listing a lecturer turning up late and students being told to “self-study” among complaints. She also alleged she was “locked” in a room for trying to speak out about the quality of her course during her graduation ceremony, which she has branded as false imprisonment. Wong hopes the case will encourage other students to demand value for money and seek compensation if universities do not deliver.  ***In response, Anglia Ruskin University said, “Oh yeah – well at least we’re not Trump University! So there!”

A zookeeper at a Chinese zoo was mauled to death by a tiger that he had raised since it was a cub. ***This is what happens when you read too much “Calvin & Hobbes”.

There’s video making the rounds of Hillary Clinton coming down some stairs in India and almost taking a tumble. ***In fact she has never looked more Presidential.  Granted, she looked like President Gerald Ford, but still…

The population of Alaska has dropped for the first time in decades.  ***Did the Palin family move out?

Joy Behar apologized on ABC yesterday for calling Christians who say they hear from Jesus “mentally ill.”  ***That’s awful big of her – I still can’t bring myself to apologize for saying people who watch “The View” are mentally ill.

Vladimir Putin is expected to win next Sunday’s election with 69% of the vote.  ***It’s also expected that the 31% who don’t vote for him will somehow disappear under mysterious circumstances.

Police say a bride-to-be in southern Arizona was arrested on suspicion of impaired driving after she was involved in a car crash on the way to her wedding. Amber Young was in her wedding dress when she was handcuffed and put into a police cruiser in Marana, 30 miles north of Tucson. Police spokesman Sgt. Chriswell Scott says one person suffered minor injuries in the three-car collision Young triggered. The bride was taken to a police substation to have her blood drawn. Scott later said, “It’s supposed to be the happiest day of her life, and this just goes out as a reminder as to why you should never drive while impaired.”  ***Actually, the heavy drinking usually comes after the wedding – once you see what your spouse looks like first thing in the morning.

A since-pulled ad for Snapchat’s ‘Would You Rather’ game asked if you’d rather slap Rihanna, or punch Chris Brown. ***I say we do both – the content creators at Snapchat.

Selena Gomez’ mom says that Selena and Justin Bieber are on a break, but not because of her.  ***But she’s still ecstatic about it.

A grandson has stepped forward and claimed the body of serial killer Charles Manson. ***Wait – Manson hasn’t been buried yet?!?!  SERIOUSLY?!  He died FOUR MONTHS AGO!!!!!  I hope that’s a closed-casket funeral his grandson is planning.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

According to a recent study, 47 percent of the residents of the city of Detroit are functionally illiterate.  ***Which may explain why they never left Detroit when the getting was good… because they couldn’t read the signs.

Drink every day? Get drunk once in awhile? You might be an alcoholic. Or not. A recent study shows most people who drink to get drunk are not alcoholics. The finding, from a government survey of 138,100 adults, counters the conventional wisdom that every “falling-down drunk” must be addicted to alcohol. Instead, the results from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health show that nine out of 10 people who drink too much are not addicts, and can change their behavior with a little prompting.  ***Like telling them the bar is closed.

A recent study shows that mosquitoes prefer to feast on beer-drinkers.   ***However, the study was unable to determine whether it’s because they taste great or are less filling.

Facebook makes us feel fat. Research by The Center for Eating Disorders discovered that Facebook users are more self-conscious because they constantly see pictures of themselves. Thirty-two percent said they felt “sad” when comparing Facebook photos of themselves to their friends’ photos. The survey also discovered that Facebook is making us feel like we should be “camera ready” at all times. Half of us say we are nervous at social events because photos taken could be posted on Facebook. Forty-three percent avoid photos when we don’t feel we “look our best.”  ***If I were to act that way I’d never feel ready for a photo… I’d half to walk around life wearing a burka.

Scientists have developed a new surgical knife that can detect cancer while being used.  ***That’s good, but we really need something to detect it before you NEED a surgical knife.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, after learning that her solo singing career had actually destroyed all of the harmony and cooperation in the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met up with some alligators who were harmonizing very well. In fact, they were cooperating very well not just to make good music, but to stay alive and on the good side of the Swamp Thing!

CLOSE: Sounds like Cheetah Bonita has learned her lesson about cooperation – but what about the rest of the jungle? There’s still an awful mess out there! How will she make things right? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Does dog-repellent also work on postal carriers? 

A Louisiana mailman had the unfortunate experience of being sprayed with his own dog repellent! The unnamed postal worker was making his rounds in Slidell around midday Saturday when an angry, growling dog approached. The postman whipped out his can of government-issued dog repellent and got off two quick shots at the snarling dog. That’s when the dog’s master, Joe Bates, decided to get involved. Bates allegedly ran up, knocked the can out of the mailman’s hand, picked it up and started spraying the hapless civil servant with his own defense weapon. The postal worker took off, but not fast enough to avoid getting hit squarely in the back by the spray can, which Bates threw at him. He was arrested later for aggravated battery.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PSYCHIATRIST MAY NOT BE LEGIT

10. He accepts most major insurance plans, or gummi bears — either way.

9. Instead of a pad & paper, takes notes on an Etch-A-Sketch.

8. When handing you a prescription, he directs you “down the fire escape and behind the dumpster” to a pharmacist named “Goodtime Larry”

7. His diplomas on the wall are all from “prestigious, non-accredited universities”.

6. He starts every explanation with, “Sigmund Frodo once said …”

5. When you tell him how miserable your parents have made you, for an extra fee he offers to have them rubbed out.

4. The framed “Certified Internet Priest” certificate next to the framed “Certified Internet Psychiatrist” certificate.

3. His favored prescription: nitrous oxide.

2. His “office” is a motorhome.

1. After two minutes, he diagnoses your problem as being “completely crazy”.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

You’ve heard of the good cop-bad cop routine. Well, Sergeant Dwayne Gill says he’s the good cop, funny cop…

FILE #1: … By day, Gill wears the uniform of the Michigan State Police. By night, you’ll find him doing stand-up. Gill was named the World’s Funniest Cop at a police conference in 2006.  He even appreciates humor from the people he pulls over. Gill says if you make him laugh, he’ll probably let you go.  ***MARLAR: “You mind telling me why you’re in such a hurry, Sir?”  “Well, officer… it’s the funniest story…”

FILE #2: Thieves broke into an Ohio agency that serves the poor and made off with a safe. The only catch — the safe was empty. Susan Simpkins, director of the agency, said the safe was “very heavy, and they did us a favor by taking it.” She said the agency had wanted to throw out the safe but it was too big to move.

FILE #3: Two thieves abandoned their rental car in Port of Spain, Trinidad, in May and escaped, leaving a sheep and three goats in the car, allegedly rustled from a farmer. The sheep was wearing a dress, and the goats wore shirts, pants and hats. Police guessed the thieves had dressed the animals to avert suspicion, but with nightfall approaching, the driver actually created suspicion when he failed to turn on his headlights.

STRANGE LAW: In Hartford, Connecticut, it’s against the law to walk across the street on your hands.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Call it a case of B-U-I — biking under the influence.

Police in Cincinnati say they busted a drunk man who was riding his bike in traffic. Officers say they stopped Archie Johnson after seeing his bicycle swerving. Police report his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. He’s now charged with operating a vehicle under the influence and resisting arrest.

PHONER PHUN

Today is “BOSS’ DAY OFF” (Ides of March). What do you like to do when the boss is out of the office?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What brother of Jesus does Paul call an apostle?
ANSWER: James (Galatians 1:19)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What fuel used for producing electricity is created at Los Angeles’ LAX airport from leftover food?

ANSWER: Methane

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In Australia, a common “Boxing day” activity is surfing. (True)

2. In the 1930’s, American track star Jesse Owens used to race against horses and dogs to earn a living. (True)

3. Karate actually originated in Thailand. (False, it originated in India – but was developed further in China)

4. The first recorded car theft was in 1896. (True – just 10 years after the introduction of the gas-powered engine)

5. The first company to mass produce teddy bears was the Ideal Toy Company. (True)

6. When the Pez mint dispenser was first introduced it was meant to replace the activity of smoking. (True)

7. The labels for Crayola crayons come in 68 different colors. (False – 18 different colors)

8. At just four years old Mozart was able to learn a piece of music in half an hour. (True)

9. The Arctic ocean is the smallest and shallowest. (True – it is mostly covered by solid ice, ice floes, and icebergs)

10. The largest US city in area is Los Angeles, California. (False – it’s Juneau, Alaska, which covers 3,108 square miles. Los Angeles covers only 458.2 square miles.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: THE _______ IS FALLING (SKY)

Recent research by climate scientists in New Zealand, global cloud heights have dropped and the sky will fall by the  end of the year.

Researchers at The University of Auckland  have reported a decreasing trend in average global cloud heights from 2000 to last year, based on data gathered by the Multi-angle Imaging SpectroRadiometer (MISR) on NASA’s Terra satellite. The change over the multi-year span was 100 to 130 feet, and was mostly due to fewer clouds at higher altitudes.  Researchers at Rutgers University in New Jersey  have also noticed that “the sky” in general has fallen about 90 feet.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A married couple were browsing in a crafts store when the husband noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.  After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument he thought to be a mouth harp.  The husband put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, the man’s wife came up and whispered in his ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

JOKE #2

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, “Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” the Professor instructed.

The student then recited: Okay, I’d tell him, “I hereby give and convey to you all and  singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally…”

JOKE #3

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

USELESS FACTS

The Scientific Staffing Company of Des Plaines, Illinois did research to find out the most effective way for companies to retain scientific professionals. According to their study, the best way is to give them better pay and benefits. ***Boy, using the scientific method sure gives you surprising results sometimes…

A Tufts University study of mice found that pregnancy sends new stem cells to a woman’s brain and rejuvenates her mind.  ***That must be only during the pregnancy itself, because I have yet to see a new mother be rejuvenated and energetic.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HOT FUDGE

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, sir.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Sometimes, even the people who invent new gadgets can’t figure out how the gadgets work!

Technical University of Eindhoven in the Netherlands found that half the gadgets returned to stores as “malfunctioning” actually worked fine, but the customers just couldn’t figure out how to operate them. With a flood of new devices, from MP3 players to home theaters, hitting stores, the study found that the average US consumer will struggle with a new one for 20 minutes before giving up. The researcher also gave new gadgets to a group of Phillips Electronics managers and sent them home over the weekend. They came back frustrated because even they couldn’t figure out how to get them to work.  ***MARLAR: I know exactly how they feel.  During Christmas I spent two days trying to download music into an electric beard trimmer.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE CROSS

A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer

“Lord, I can’t go on,” he said. “I have too heavy a cross to bear.”

The Lord replied, “My son, if you can’t bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish.”

The man was filled with relief and said, “Thank you Lord,” and he did as he was told.

Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.

“I’d like that one, Lord,” he whispered.

The Lord replied, “My son that is the cross you just brought in.”

When life’s problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

Read: Hebrews 5:11-6:3

Let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity. –Hebrews 6:1

To disco, or not to disco… that is the question. Students at prestigious Cambridge University in England recently had to write a paper on “tragedy”… but not in a way you might expect.

You see, the “classic” line the pupils were prompted to discuss was not Shakespearean but Bee Gees-ean! They were asked to analyze the lyric from a 1979 Bee Gees pop tune that goes, “It’s tragedy… tragedy when you lose control and you got no soul, it’s tragedy.” Hmmm.

The Campaign for Real Education caught wind of this tragic situation. Before you could say “King Lear,” they had royally condemned the exam question. “Tragedy is part of English literature that does not need to be soiled with pop lyrics,” said spokesman Nick Seaton.

Whether you agree with Nick or not, some of the stuff being passed off these days as real college-level courses is pretty tragic. So are the efforts some students make to study and learn.

The writer of Hebrews implored believers in Christ to grow in the deeper truths of God and His Word. He knew that it was the only way they could train themselves “to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:14).

It is important for us to grow in knowledge of God and His Word. At the same time, we must do our very best in our studies at school.

This means steering away from “fluff” or nonsense courses and digging deeply into the courses we do take. When we don’t apply ourselves in our studies, we’re wasting the abilities God has given us. We are also less prepared–not possessing knowledge that may help us reach people more effectively for Christ.

So drop that milk bottle (Hebrews 5:13) and pick up your textbooks. To waste the mind God has given you would truly be a tragedy!

LEFTOVERS

THIS KISS, THIS KISS…

A woman in China is suing because she’s no longer able to kiss.

A Chinese woman is seeking compensation after a car accident left her unable to eat properly and causes her to suffer from short-term memory loss. But she’s not suing because of those things. She is suing because she claims that the accident, which left her with two broken front teeth and cut lips, has hindered her ability to kiss. She’s suing the driver that caused the accident for about $4,700. The lawsuit accuses the driver of depriving the woman of her rights to her “body, health, kissing and property”. Legal experts say China’s legal system does not cover “kissing rights” but her case could fall under compensation regulations based on personal damages. ***MARLAR: The defendant is begging for her to simply kiss and make up.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WANT TO BE DEPRESSED AND MISERABLE?

(From Charles B. Beckert, Ph.D.)

  • Really concentrate on mistakes that you’ve made, especially mistakes you can’t do anything about.

  • Always compare yourself to others. This works best when you compare your worst traits with their best traits.

  • When someone else has a problem, be sure to make it your problem too. For added misery, you can also find some way to blame yourself for their problems.

  • Spend as much time and energy as possible criticizing and judging yourself and everyone else. The longer the list of negatives about people, the better your misery.

  • Make sure you look at the bad side of everything. There’s always some bad to be found in every situation, but you may have to get creative in order to find it.

  • Be a perfectionist. Set goals for yourself and others that are way too high. This works best if you often remind yourself that you are not good enough. It also enhances the misery of others if you remind them that they’re not good enough either.

  • Hole-up in your room. Avoid friends and family, especially the ones who really love you.

  • Always strive to please everyone all the time. Make sure that you don’t waste any energy on making yourself happy.

  • Let your self-worth be decided by whether others like and accept you. A helpful hint is to do things you don’t be believe in and say things that you wouldn’t normally say in order to be accepted.

  • Base your worth as a person on how you look and what you have.

  • Don’t ever forgive yourself. Hold grudges against yourself when you don’t live up to your standards and the standards of others.

  • Avoid doing anything new or empowering. You definitely don’t want to risk success.

  • At all costs, avoid activities and people where you feel good about yourself. There are lots of people and places that support you in feeling worthless and miserable…spend as much time as possible there.

  • Make sure that your self-worth is based on whether or not you have a boyfriend. Settle for some loser that treats you really badly so that you won’t be without a boyfriend.

  • Some people find that they are miserable being miserable. If this is you, you might try doing the absolute opposite of all the strategies above and see what wonderful things happen!

JUST FOR FUN

SAFE AND SORRY

A woman gets her fingers in a jam while putting money in a safe!

If someone ever says that it’s better to be safe, they’ve never met Elizabeth Mefford. Elizabeth got her hand stuck in her 7-Eleven store’s safe. She had been dropping rolls of coins in the safe, but the rolls kept falling out. She pushed her fingers farther into the deposit chute, trying to get them to stay put. It was then that her hand got stuck in the deposit chute and wouldn’t budge. A short time later, she was on a gurney with the 3-foot-tall, 600-pound safe latched onto her hand. Paramedics drove her straight past a hospital to an industrial shop where workers used a small crane to lift Mefford and the safe onto a makeshift operating table. Workers removed the safe’s locking mechanism and soon freed her hand. ***MARLAR: You know those signs in convenience stores that say “Employees cannot open safe”? Who knew the sign was meant to be taken literally?

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD BOSS

  • The office bathroom key is tied to an angry ferret.
  • He uses all the old jars of white out to paint his fingernails.
  • His strict ‘no talking’ policy during “The Price is Right”
  • Every time he returns from McDonald’s he brings you a job application.
  • Annual company retreat: the local Texaco for Cheetos and Yoo-Hoo
  • Instead of replacing the broken copy machine, he hires some guy to sit in a room with a quill pen.
  • Every time he comes to your cubicle, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
  • The unbearable stench of Vicks Vaporub and cheddar cheese in his office

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BEING A KID IS HARD WORK

All work and no play can make your kids dull boys and girls.  And the American Academy of Pediatrics has a few thoughts on the matter.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that kids need more good, old-fashioned playtime for healthy development. They say parents can overdo it on the educational videos and classes to help kids excel. That even goes for organized sports activities such as soccer. While that lets kids run around, they’re still being told what to do. Numerous studies have shown that unstructured play can help children become creative, discover their own passions, develop problem-solving skills, relate to others and adjust to school settings. Plus, it’s just a lot of fun.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Have you ever been the target of rude behavior at work? Beware! When a co-worker is rude to you, you are far more likely to lose your self-control and be rude to others in return, according to researchers from the University of Arkansas. Put more simply: Incivility begets incivility. Rude behavior in the office is different from bullying. While bullying is openly hostile behavior that can include harassment and threats, rude or uncivil behavior includes put-downs, sarcasm and condescension. This is less serious but can have a profound psychological effect on employees. Companies need to pay attention to this, if for no other reason than it can cost them a lot of money. “Estimates are that workplace incivility has doubled over the past two decades and on average costs companies about $14,000 per employee annually because of loss of production and work time,” explains lead study author Chris Rosen, a professor of management at the Sam M. Walton College of Business. The study found that experiencing rude behavior increased mental fatigue, which reduced employees’ self-control and led them to act in a similar rude manner later in the day.

Don’t mix TV, dinner and family. In an Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics study, adults who never had a TV on during family meals had 37 percent lower odds of obesity than those who always did. So turn off the tube and cook real food. People who did this had 47 percent lower odds of obesity than those who usually ate premade meals while watching TV. (Men’s Health)  ***This is all well and fine – but then how are you supposed to catch up with the latest on Judge Judy?

People who are prone to headaches can help stave off an agonizing migraine by eating a banana, say experts. A sudden craving for chocolate or cheese may actually be the body displaying a desire for sugar, which can signal an impending attack. But snacking on a banana will help keep your blood sugar levels even and hold a headache at bay, says Dr. Andy Dowson, director of headache services at King’s College Hospital in London.

A long look in the mirror could tell you if you’ll live a long time — or not. How? Count your moles. Although we tend to think that people who have a lot of moles have a higher risk for skin cancer, in fact those moles may be a clue to longevity. Scientists from King’s College London have determined that moles seem to offer an important clue about how quickly the body ages, reports the BBC News. The researchers found that people who had more than 100 moles had longer telomeres than those who had fewer than 25 moles — the equivalent of six to seven years of aging.  Weird.

It all comes down to eating habits. People who rise early in the morning have better eating habits than those who stay up until all hours, and this results in better health and lower weight, HealthDay News reports of research from Finland. Translation: Night owls have a higher risk for obesity than larks. Why? Night owls eat later in the evening, and the food they choose for these late night meals and snacks often contains a high amount of sugar, fat and saturated fat. This matters because throughout the day and night our bodies naturally produce hormones at different levels that impact appetite and metabolism. How much we sleep and when we sleep appears to affect the production of these hormones, and that in turn can affect not only our appetite, but also our food choices — and eventually our body composition and weight.

Those who participated in the study recorded their total daily sleep time, as well as their routine wake-up time, the time they worked and the time they performed hard physical tasks. Nearly half the participants were deemed to be morning people, while just 12 percent qualified as night owls. About 39 percent fell somewhere in between, the researchers said. The results:

  • Larks and night owls consumed about the same amount of calories daily.

  • Night owls consumed, on average, 4 percent fewer calories before 10am and had less energy in the morning. This pattern continued through the earlier daylight hours.

  • Night owls tended to consume fewer carbohydrates, proteins and fats through the day, but they did consume significantly more sugar in the morning and after 8pm, compared with larks. They also gravitated toward more fat and saturated fatty acids at night.

  • Night owls eat less during the day, it increases feelings of hunger in the late afternoon and evening hours, which can easily result in less healthy food choices with more fat and sugar.

  • Night owls also get less routine physical activity, have more difficulty sleeping and are more likely to smoke. In addition, night owls are less likely to say they are in good overall health or shape, relative to morning people.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

People have been leaving hats, gloves, and scarves out for the homeless to help them stay warm during the current snap of cold weather sweeping Britain. The annual campaign involves people leaving items of clothing tied to posts and railings with a note attached. It’s part of a movement called “Keep Bristol Warm”, which was started by Gavyn Emery in summer 2015 and is run by volunteers from the local community.
http://on.mash.to/2oAXthV

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A new study published in the journal Science has bad news for us all: People like fake news way more than they like real news. The massive new study analyzes every major contested news story in English across the span of Twitter’s existence – some 126,000 stories, tweeted by 3 million users, over more than 10 years – and finds that the truth simply cannot compete with hoax and rumor. By every common metric, falsehood consistently dominates the truth on Twitter. Fake news and false rumors reach more people, penetrate deeper into the social network, and spread much faster than accurate stories. The study has already prompted alarm from social scientists. “We must redesign our information ecosystem in the 21st century,” write a group of 16 political scientists and legal scholars in an essay also published in Science. They call for a new drive of interdisciplinary research “to reduce the spread of fake news and to address the underlying pathologies it has revealed.” Twitter users seem almost to prefer sharing falsehoods. Even when the researchers controlled for every difference between the accounts originating rumors – like whether that person had more followers or was verified – falsehoods were still 70 percent more likely to get retweeted than accurate news. And you can’t blame the robots. From 2006 to 2016, Twitter bots amplified true stories as much as they amplified false ones, the study found. Fake news prospers, the authors write, “… because humans, not robots, are more likely to spread it.” Political scientists and social-media researchers largely praised the study, saying it gave the broadest and most rigorous look so far into the scale of the fake-news problem on social networks, though some disputed its findings about bots and questioned its definition of news. (New York Times)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

For most of us, life is the easy part. It’s living that is the real challenge. – Darren Marlar

Oh, if my wife is listening: Honey, I’ll be home in 15 minutes to fix the disposal — so go ahead and call the ambulance now so they’ll be ready for me.

MRS. MURPHY’S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he’s out of town.

There is only one perfect child in the world, and every mother has it.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals — dying of nothing.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 09, 2018…

A Wrinkle In Time—The wait is over for the screen adaptation of  Madeline L’Engle’s book, “A Wrinkle In TIme.”  Three top stars, with out-of-the-world costumes, are Oprah Winfrey (Mrs. Which), Reese Witherspoon (Mrs. Whatsit) and Mindy Kaling  (Mrs. Who). Adapted from the 1962 book, the story centers on a young girl, Meg Murry (Storm Reid) , who has to travel through time in order to find her father and save him from a villain (there always is one.) The “Mrs” are Meg’s guardians as she travels. Meg’s role is one of being the best you can be and full of courage. Also in the cast are Chris Pine (“Star Trek”) as Dr. Murry, Meg’s scientist father. Deric McCabe as Meg’s younger brother, Zach Galifanskis as the Happy Medium and Levi Miller as Calvin, a traveler with Meg. Director is Ava DuVerney (“Selma”) Storm Reid was one of thousands of girls who auditioned for the role of Meg, and this is her movie as she tries to save her family. “A Wrinkle In Time” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Gringo—David Oyelowo now stars in this film about an American businessman who travels to Mexico, accidentally is kidnapped and becomes embroiled in crime. What to do? The cast is stellar and includes Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton and Amanda Seyfreid. “Gringo” is rated R. No rating.

Hurricane Heist—Best time to rob a Federal Reserve Bank? How about during a major hurricane and do you expet everything to go as planned? Guess again. The cast includes Toby Kebbel, Maggie Grace and Ben Cross. “Hurricane Heist” is rated R. No rating.

The Upside—A comedy with a twist. Bryan Cranston is a paraplegic and needs someone to help him. Enter Kevin Hart, as a recent parolee who needs a job. Will This work out? What do you think? Also in the cast are Nicole Kidman and Juliana Margolies. “The Upside” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Thoroughbreds—Two wealthy girls, who were friends during childhood and then went separate ways, now, as teens, want to be friends again. Life is different,  though. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Joy, Olivia Cooke, Paul Sparks and the late Anton Yelchin from “Star Trek.”  The film ”Thoroughbreds” is rated PG 13. No rating.

7 Days In Entebbe (formerly titled “Entebbe”)—Daniel Bruhl and Rosamund Pike star in a film about the hijacking of the Air France Flight 139 from Tel Aviv, Israel to Paris, via Athens, Greece. The hijackers wanted the release of more than 50 prisoners who were being held by authorities for various reasons. The ransom was also 5 million dollars. Things don’t run smoothly, though, and there is discord among the hijackers and then a daring move—a rescue mission. Also in the cast are Mark Ivanir and Vincent Cassel. “7 Days in Entebbe” (or “Entebbe”) is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 16, 2018…

Tomb Raider (and guess who starred in the first film) has Alicia Vikander in the role of Lara Croft this time around.

Love, Simon is a teen comedy/drama about a young teen trying to come out. Stars Nick Robinson.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.