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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160316
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It’s (THE JOCK SHOW) – another reason we need nationalized mental health care.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” – Romans 6:14
He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. — 2 Peter 1:4
The LORD will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. — Psalm 121:7-8
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
“And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” — Genesis 3:15
Thought: This is God’s curse upon the serpent who tempted Eve and Adam to sin. Satan is the personality behind the serpent. Even in this curse, even in the recognition of a struggle between the woman’s offspring and Satan, God embeds his promise for our better future. In Jesus, that future comes! Satan appears to win the battle at the Cross, but the passage of three days changes everything. Jesus’ triumph over death leaves him with only a “bruised heel,” but leaves Satan powerless to make death the final word. The Evil One’s best plans and greatest power lie crushed at the doorway of Jesus’ empty tomb!
Prayer: Thank you, dear Father, for taking the stinger out of death and establishing an assured hope for my future. Not only do I believe that Jesus rose from the dead, but I also believe you will also raise me up and bless me with life forever in your presence. For this enduring victory, I praise you in Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
John 3:16 NIV = For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 16, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 283 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL COMMON COURTESY DAY. *** We get just one day for this? I’d think something so uncommon would be promoted a bit more than just once a year.
Today is EVERYTHING YOU DO IS RIGHT DAY. *** So if you’re NOT courteous today, it doesn’t really matter… because being discourteous is still RIGHT!
Today is TELL A MOCKINGBIRD TO SHUT UP DAY. *** It’s not spring yet, so they have no right to sound so stinking happy.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Freedom Of Information Day
Black Press Day
No Selfies Day
St. Urho’s Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, MARCH 17
Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
Campfire Girls Day
Companies That Care Day
St. Patrick’s Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 18
Awkward Moments Day
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
National Biodiesel Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 19
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 20
Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-In For Peace Day
International Astrology Day
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) at 12:30am EDT
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
MONDAY, MARCH 21
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and the Tree
National Common Courtesy Day
National Renewable Energy Day
Well-Elderly (Wellderly) Day
TUESDAY, MARCH 22
American Diabetes Association Alert Day
As Young As You Feel Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of the Seal
National Goof-Off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day of Water / World Water Day
World Day of Metta
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
World Meteorological Day
ON THIS DAY
597 BC: According to some archaeological calculations, the first conquest of Jerusalem by Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar occurred. The event is recorded in the Bible in 2 Kings 24 and 2 Chronicles 36.
1697: Ten Indians kidnapped Hannah Dustin at Haverhilld, Massachusetts. Hannah got mad, grabbed a tomahawk, “slew” all ten of them, and saved two children who also had been kidnapped. Naturally, her heroics were rewarded. The governor sent her a beer mug.
1802: The U.S. Military Academy was opened at West Point. ***MARLAR: At the Academy students and instructors work together to achieve the Army’s ultimate objective – fielding a football team that can beat Navy.
1871: Delaware enacted the first U.S. law regulating the production of fertilizer. ***MARLAR: Today there are many laws regulating fertilizer and they’re all grouped under one name: federal election laws.
1876: The first female boxing match occurred in New York City. Nell Saunders defeated Rose Harland and won a silver butter dish. Which she threw at the promoter. ***MARLAR: Apparently she had assumed the winner’s purse would be an actual purse.
1963: Peter, Paul, & Mary released “Puff, the Magic Dragon.” The song reached #2 even though some radio stations banned it, fearing it was about smoking marijuana. Composer Peter Yarrow always contended it was “about a magic dragon named Puff.”
1970: Singer Tammi Terrell collapsed on stage and died of a brain tumor at age 23. Her biggest hits, with Marvin Gaye, included “Your Precious Love,” “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing,” and “Onion Song.”
1970: A bidder at Sotheby & Company in London paid $20,000 for one glass paperweight.
1974: In Nashville Roy Acuff gave President Nixon yo-yo lessons as the Grand Ole Opry moved from Ryman Auditorium to Opryland.
1988: Singer Bonnie Bramlett slugged Elvis Costello after a Stephen Stills concert in Columbus, Ohio.
1989: Federal health officials reported that apples were safe to eat in the wake of a U.S. scare over the chemical alar. Alar was used on some apples to preserve freshness.
1991: Actress Valerie Bertinelli and rocker Eddie Van Halen became parents of a 7-pound 13-ounce son, Wolfgang Van Halen.
1994: Figure skater Tonya Harding pleaded guilty in Portland, Oregon, to conspiracy for covering up the attack on rival Nancy Kerrigan. She was fined $100,000.
1995: When a Miami bandit tried to rob a delicatessen, the owner broke his nose with a salami. The fleeing man hid in the trunk of what turned out to be an unmarked police car, where he wasn’t found until five days later.
1999: After local children protested, a Ukrainian farmer near Lviv agreed not to destroy his three-legged heifer and, instead, made an artificial limb for the young cow.
1999: The Nebraska Cornhuskers beat Chicago State 50-3 in an NCAA baseball game.
2002: A man in Nayland, England, sold a house for 1,400 times the amount his family paid for it. Arthur Webb’s grandfather bought the three-bedroom house in 1914 for $27. It remained in the family and was sold at auction for $385,233. Webb said the interior decor had not been touched since the 1940s.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
597 BC: According to certain archaeological calculations, the first conquest of Jerusalem by Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar occurred. In the Bible, the event is recorded in 2 Kings 24:1ff. and in 2 Chronicles 36:5-8. It is also implied in the early chapters of Jeremiah and Ezekiel.
1072: Adalbert, Archbishop of Bremen-Hamburg, dies. He energetically promoted missionary activities in Scandanavia, Iceland, Greenland, and the Orkneys, but he seems to have been largely unsuccessful. He did, however, gain considerable influence as tutor of the young Henry IV, Holy Roman Emperor, and for a time was virtual ruler of the empire.
1621: Birth of George Neumark, German educator. Twice in life he lost everything: once by robbers and once by fire. As a poet, Neumark is best remembered as author of the hymn, “If Thou But Suffer God to Guide Thee.”
1915: Birth of Dr. Robert H. Bowman, missions pioneer. In 1945, along with John Broger and William J. Roberts, Bowman helped found the Far East Broadcasting Company. Today FEBC reaches thousands of Pacific island clusters with the Gospel through Christian radio.
1952: The first religious program on TV, “This Week in Religion,” debuted on Dumont television. It was the only ecumenical program of TV’s early religious offerings, and ran for two years, last airing in October 1954.
1970: The complete text of the New English Bible was published, simultaneously, by the Oxford and Cambridge Presses. (The New Testament of the NEB had been first published in 1961.)
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (“Gilmore Girls”) Lauren Graham, 49 (audio clip)
- Actress (US Marshals, The Cider House Rules) Kate Nelligan, 65
- Actor (“Alias”) Victor Garber 67 (audio clip)
- Actor (CHiPs’ Officer Frank “Ponch” Poncherello) Erik Estrada, 67 (audio clip)
- Game show host (“Greed”, “Love Connection”, “Wheel of Fortune”) Chuck Woolery, 75 (audio clip)
- Actor/comedian/MDA spokesperson Jerry Lewis, 90
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1823 : William Henry Monk
1932 : Betty Johnson
1948 : Michael Bruce (Alice Cooper band)
1954 : Nancy Wilson (Heart)
1959 : Flavor Flav (Public Enemy)
1963 : Stewart Kerr (Texas)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we try to “egg” someone on?
Even if you’re a chicken this makes no literal sense. Unless, of course, you arrive armed with rotten eggs at a concert or play, expecting the worst. But then you would be set to egg someone off. The mystery is etymological. “Egg” does not refer to what comes from a chicken, but rather is an earlier form of the word “edge, ” once commonly used as a verb, meaning to excite or provoke. Look, for example, at this use of “edge” in a 13th century chronicle: “He accused the moonks of manie things, and did therewith so edge the king against them.” (Love that spelling!) By the 16th century the expression had become to “edge someone on,” or to push them toward doing something. Eventually the old form of the word, egg, edged out edge. Anyhow, I’d better stop here. Don’t egg me on.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Another stop for the Beautiful Offerings Tour, another visit from the Chiropractor. Members of the tour that includes Big Daddy Weave, Plumb, and Jordan Feliz were recently met by a chiropractor during their tour stop in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. The visits are starting to be a trend. After Big Daddy Weave reported that a chiropractor had visited their tour to provide adjustments in Colorado in February, chiropractors in several other towns have also offered their services.
Jason Gray recently gave Josh Wilson a compliment…at least we think it was a compliment. The band was served cookies with their pictures on the top at a recent show and Jason shared a picture of his cookie with Josh Wilson’s head bitten off. He posted: Josh Wilson is so tasty. Just like his guitar licks. https://www.instagram.com/p/BC3lRkWE-b1/
Citizenway wants to follow you. They tweeted soon after the release of their new album 2.0: Post a screenshot of your album purchase with the hashtag #CitizenWay2Point0 and we’ll follow you back!
Music from Tenth Avenue North is impacting the world. One of the band’s social media followers reported recently that their song “No man is an island” had been featured on a Korean show called “Running Man”.
A reminder from Jamie Grace of the need to guard your eyes. She posted: I accidentally saw a clip of the walking dead. It was like 4 seconds but I’m scarred for life!
Third Day has hit the big time. Guitarist Mark Lee pointed out that the band has an ad at baggage claim in the Omaha Airport. https://www.instagram.com/p/BCyHl9SOdFb/
You might be able to relate to the problem recently had by Kutless member James Mead. He posted: I just got really frustrated for a second when I couldn’t find my home wifi network. I’m sitting at the airport.
Kutless member James Mead is showing his age. He tweeted this week: I can’t eat Reese’s pieces without thinking of the movie E.T.
If you struggle with technology you might be able to relate to Mark Lee’s response when asked by a social media follower if he had figured out how to work snapchat. The Third Day guitarist responded: No but I’m doing it anyway which is quite hilarious!
The members of We Are Messengers say they have signed some pretty strange things during their time on the Winter Jam tour. This weekend brought another first. The members of the band signed someone’s large rubber ducky. https://www.instagram.com/p/BC5jz6tN_8S/
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A six-year-old North Carolina boy had to be rescued by firefighters recently after climbing a 50-foot tree in his backyard, then finding himself unable to get down. ***Fortunately, a neighbor had a trampoline and a tranquilizer gun.
The prime minister of Australia is being criticized over the fact that his government’s wind farm commissioner will be paid more than $600,000 over his three-year term. *** Hey, it takes a lot of skill to wet your finger and stick it up in the air!
Running will certainly benefit your health but you need to look at what you’re eating too. Dieticians say it’s a myth that running will automatically result in weight loss. So remember the 80-20 rule: weight loss is 80 percent diet or nutrition and 20 percent exercise. ***I spend 20% of my day running back and forth to the fridge, so I should be looking great any day now!
A Texas dog named Boogie, weighing just seven pounds, is lucky to be alive after eating 10 hearing aid batteries. ***They tried to catch the dog, but he just kept going… and going… and going…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A recent poll shows that only 13% of Americans think the government should do something about income inequality. ***Now, now… the government’s already doing its best to make everyone equal… equally poor.
Where’s the world’s largest pyramid? No, it’s not there, not even close to there. It’s on the other side of the earth, in Cholula de Rivadabia, Mexico. This pyramid tops out at 177 feet and covers 45 acres. This pyramid could run circles – well, maybe triangles – around Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Cheops, which reaches no higher than 130 feet and accounts for a mere 13 acres. ***MARLAR: As of today, neither pyramid contains a McDonald’s.
Researchers at Massachusetts Institute of Technology have created a “wearable” book, which allows the reader to experience the protagonist’s emotions. ***You’ll probably want to skip the ending on that Joan of Arc biography.
Amazon has filed a patent for something they call “Anticipatory Delivery”. Basically they look at things like demographic data, browsing habits and wish-lists, then they try to predict when/where people might order something and put it in motion before anyone actually orders it. While it’s enroute to a general area, they will send it to a specific address. So, theoretically you could order something in the morning, and it could get to you by that afternoon. ***MARLAR: Which will be followed up a year later by technology allowing you to receive something the night before you order it.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Ballpark Stands”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Football Widow”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was so obsessed with finding a place on earth that had not even heard of his arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, that he had Jean Claude the flying squirrel fly him to Siberia. Unfortunately, Steve Mozart is huge there… so off they fly again to places unknown…
CLOSE: All of that flying around the world for nothing! Millard is never going to get away from Steve Mozart. Now that he’s come to that realization, will he also give up trying to be better than Mozart, or will he finally discover a way to beat him at something… anything? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 19/20
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: Oooookay. Personally, I think the song stinks. I’d much rather hear some three-part harmony – I’m sure the Cheetah sisters would too. Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Okay… one last time. It’s NOT a good idea to talk about bombs at the airport!
If you can believe this — 21-year-old Yechezkel Wells, a dual U.S.-Israeli citizen and college student from Florida, was late for his plane in Long Beach Airport in California, and upset that he was not allowed to board. That’s when he got the not-so-bright idea to call in a phony bomb threat and report that there was a bomb on his flight to Fort Lauderdale. He hoped that it would delay the flight so he could get on. Well the flight was delayed — for about an hour while bomb-sniffing dogs searched the plane. But Mr. Wells was arrested shortly after making the call. His attorney said his client had “a momentary gross lapse in judgment.” We call it a “Moment of Duh!”
TOP TEN THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ONE WOMAN SAY TO ANOTHER
- That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my fiancé company while I go for a swim?
- Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go introduce myself!
- His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m happy for them both.
- If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
- He earned more than I did, so I broke up with him.
- I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
- We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
- He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!
- Why can’t I find a guy who’ll take me to football games and teach me PlayStation?
- My husband is always cooking dinner and never gives me a chance to do it.
TOP TEN THINGS CHRISTIAN WOMEN WON’T SAY TO EACH OTHER
- I just love that scripture in the bible where it says “Wives must submit to their husbands”.
- Jim wants me to go back to work. I’m am so glad because I really don’t like staying at home all day with the kids.
- I just love Devil’s food cake!
- Oh, I always buy Miracle Whip instead of Hellman’s. Christians shouldn’t buy anything with the word “hell” in it.
- You are so pretty, none of the guys from our singles group ever ask any of the rest of us out on a date. I’m so happy for you.
- My husband and I have great devotions every night. All last month we studied bible maps. I really think they’re improving our “intimacy factor”.
- God has answered my prayers! My husband came in last night and said God told him that we should sell everything we have and give it to the poor. Voluntary poverty at last!
- My husband is so understanding. He lets me bring homeless people to our house and lets them live there until they get back on their feet. They are so dirty and nasty, but I love cleaning the house all the time anyway.
- People just don’t understand the personal satisfaction of owning only one pair of shoes.
- Come over to my house tomorrow night. We’re gonna’ stay up until dawn watching re-runs of Ellen and Desperate Housewives.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Is cuddling allowed, or not allowed in the front seat?
FILE #1: …it turns out, it IS allowed! Newlywed Faith Miller likes to snuggle up with her honey when they’re cruising in their spacious 1988 Chrysler Fifth Avenue. But the Oregon couple was cited for violating the state’s seat belt law. Miller was in the center front seat, wearing a lap belt but no shoulder harness. She tells The McMinnville News-Register they got a 97-dollar ticket after ignoring a deputy’s prior warning. But Miller says she started looking through Oregon’s seat belt laws and found the shoulder strap isn’t required for adults. The ticket has been voided.
FILE #2: Steve Swartzmiller, the police chief of New Riegel, Ohio, was awakened at 2:30am to the sound of someone breaking in through his front door. He grabbed his service sidearm and went to investigate, and found a man sitting at his piano, playing it quite well. The man told the chief he needed a ride, and he got one: in a patrol car to jail. 19-year-old Shawn Chadwell was charged with burglary and underage drinking. Officers say Chadwell was looking for a party, and got the wrong house. ***MARLAR: Now he’s playing the piano for the warden throwing the party at the county jail.
FILE #3: A recent hold up at a convenience store in Cranberry, Pennsylvania, wasn’t goofy – it was Pluto. Local police say the robber entered the store wearing a mask of the Disney dog, Pluto. Pluto was armed with a pellet gun, but the clerk thought it was a joke and started laughing. The clerk says he asked Pluto, “What are you going to do shoot me with a pellet gun?” The clerk says the crook was like, ‘Oh, OK.’ Then he left empty-handed.
STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant in Michigan.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Smoking is not only dangerous for your health, it’s dangerous for your continued freedom if you’re a criminal!
Authorities said a burglary suspect was literally caught with his pants down while trying to run away. A deputy responded to an alarm at a convenient store early Tuesday morning and reported seeing a 37-year-old man exiting through a smashed-out front door while carrying several packs of cigarettes. Deputies said the man tried to flee, but the handfuls of cigarettes prevented him from holding up his pants, which fell down and tripped him before he could make it out of the parking lot. The man was charged with criminal mischief, burglary, theft and possession of drug paraphernalia. He was being held on $12,000 bail.
Have your listeners complete this sentence… “ONE THING I’VE LEARNED IN LIFE IS…” (Be sure to post the responses to your website!)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: The Lord showed Jeremiah two baskets of what?
ANSWER: Figs (Jeremiah 24:1)
Who were Donald Duck’s parents?
Hortense McDuck and Quackmore Duck married and had Thelma Duck (the mother of Huey, Dewey and Louie) and Donald Duck.
QUESTION: According to the National Restaurant Association, 93% of Americans eat this at least once a month. What?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- President John F Kennedy could read 4 newspapers in 2 hours. (False – 20 minutes)
- Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I’s mother, had six fingers on one hand. (True)
- Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, “Gadsby”, which contains over 50,000 words none of them with the letter “E.” (True)
- The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. (True)
- Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869 by a dentist. (True – William Semple)
- Alexander Graham Bell invented the scissors. (False! They were around LONG before Mr. Bell. They were invented by Leonardo Da Vinci)
- Marilyn Monroe had six toes. (False)
- The shortest British monarch was Charles I, who was 4 feet 9 inches. (True)
- Elizabeth 1st suffered from anthophobia – a fear of roses. (True)
- Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
CHICAGO TO BE RENAMED ______ CITY (OBAMA)
The Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, reportedly announced that the city will be renamed. It will now be – Obama City!
Mayor Emanuel feels that Chicago is the adopted home of Barack Obama. It is the city most identified with the 44th President. ”In the coming years, many cities will be renamed after Barack Obama and we just feel that Chicago should be the first – and biggest – city to change its name in honor of the President,” said a source in the Mayor’s Office.
Rahm Emanuel compared President Obama to Jesus, Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. during his speech about the naming of Obama City.
Chicago is also changing its nicknames. It will no longer be known as The Second City, it will be known as The First City. And it will not be known as The Windy City any more. It will be known as The Cool City.
The White House says Barack Obama is thrilled that “Chicago has made the right decision for its citizens. Obama City will become a shining star in the American landscape and the President believes that it will soon become the greatest city in the history of the world.”
All the parks in Chicago will have the name Obama added to them – Obama Grant Park, Obama Millenium Park, Obama Lincoln Park. “This city will be a living tribute to our greatest president,” reportedly said Mayor Emanuel.
Rahm Emanuel is close friends with President Obama and the President reportedly has something special planned for Rahm as a “thank you” for renaming Chicago.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference and accidentally dropped the number one before the word John. So the newly married couple received a beautifully inscribed cake reading simply “John 4:18”, which states, “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. “Doc,” he says,” I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs…” ”
Sir,” says the doctor, “you complain you have so many things. What don’t you have?”
The man answers, “Teeth.”
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father’s business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
“Richard Larson, CPA?” the caller asked.
“That’s right,” my father answered. “May I help you?”
“Yes,” the voice said. “One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it.”
Genetically engineered mice have produced a malaria vaccine in their milk that worked to protect monkeys from the disease. ***MARLAR: So if your monkey comes down with malaria, convince it to take mouse milk.
A recent study shows that caffeine does NOT dehydrate your body, as many athletes have long believed. ***MARLAR: And many radio DJ’s have ignored.
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”
They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, “It better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
How can using a fast-food drive-thru get even worse? How about talking to someone through the speaker who’s not even working at that restaurant!
It’s not happening at every McDonald’s – but it may in time. McDonald’s is outsourcing their drive-through orders. They’re using remote call centers staffed by professionals with “very strong communication skills,” who take your order, then relay it to the cooks at the McDonald’s where you’re in line. They think this will speed the line and boost accuracy. Their CEO said, “If you’re in L.A., and you hear a person with a North Dakota accent taking your order, you’ll know what we’re up to.” ***MARLAR: But they’re still going to use 39-cent microphones.
There was a young atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the father shot the mother, right in front of the child. The father then shot himself. The little girl watched it all. The little girl was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus and to please have patience with her. During the course of the lesson, the teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, “Does anyone know who this is?”
The little girl said, “I do, that’s the man who was holding me the night my parents died.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A TOAD’S LIFE
Read: Ephesians 2:1-10
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–not by works, so that no one can boast. –Ephesians 2:8-9
As he peered through the flimsy green leaves, the toad spotted his prey. “Mmmm,” he thought. Mr. Grub was looking mighty fine. His pasty-white skin glowed in the fluorescent light. Toad hopped out from the plastic plants. He looked at the grub. “Yum,” he thought. (Toads are not known for their deep thoughts.) Toad hopped again. To his right was his little pond, complete with a painted robin’s-egg-blue base. Toad’s eyes were wide open and his anticipation was evident. His countenance shone with the excitement of being on the hunt. The grub, lacking eyes and looking about as energetic as week-old jello, lay on his side on the red pebbles. Toad inched closer. He smiled and thought, “Mmmm, yum.” Then, with a great leap (2 inches max) the toad landed close to the grub and swallowed it whole in one gulp. “Yummy,” thought Toad. He hopped back to the flimsy leaves and hid. Toad then congratulated himself on another great grub conquest.
Jimmy lifted the screen lid off the aquarium and dropped another plump white grub on the red pebbles. Now, you may not like toads. But you and I should be able to identify with our little amphibious friend in the above account. Toad thought only about the object of his desire and failed to recognize his provider. It’s easy for us to do the same thing. When we talk with others about Christ, do we really think it’s by our power or our persuasive words that someone receives Christ?
The Great Provider–God–initiates and completes the salvation of each person He calls. He may use us as a means to communicate His grace, but it is all about Him. Those who are not believers in Christ are “dead in [their] transgressions and sins” (Ephesians 2:1). It is by God’s grace and work alone that eyes are opened and new life in Christ begins.
No, you’re not a toad. But remember that God is the source of salvation; you are but a recipient and a messenger. Get hopping! –TF
YOU FORGOT YOUR HAT
Planning to operate a bullet train in Japan? Don’t forget your hat!
One of Japan’s famed bullet trains had to trundle down the track on auto-pilot for five minutes on Wednesday while the driver went in search of his hat — to avoid breaking company rules. The train continued down the track at lightning speed unmanned while the pilot left the driver’s seat to look for his hat after he realized he wasn’t wearing it. Apparently, company regulations say the driver of the bullet train must have his hat on at all times. ***MARLAR: Odd they don’t have a rule about leaving the wheel at 90 miles per hour.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Having trouble sleeping? Your herbal supplement may not be doing you any favors.
If you have trouble sleeping at night, this won’t help. According to a recent report, many herbal sleep supplements do not contain as much of the key ingredient as needed to be effective or as much as the manufacturer claims. Not only that, ConsumerLab.com says some supplements they tested were contaminated with cadmium or lead and two contained cadmium, which is known to cause cancer and is toxic to the kidneys. Only four of 14 herbal supplements tested provided the necessary amount of the key ingredient.
JUST FOR FUN
THE NAKED TRUTH
What if that dream where you’re in a public place without any clothes was actually true!
You know that dream where you’re in a really crowded place, and everyone except you has clothes on? And aren’t you thankful when you finally wake up and realize that it was just a dream? Well… one guy did wake up… and found that it was reality! A victim of robbery, Gheorghe Bibire of Romania woke up in his train compartment to find that all of his clothes had been stolen! But, because he was too embarrassed to call for help, he continued on the train for another 100 miles. He then, dressed only in his underwear, convinced a bus driver to drive him for free another 20 miles… and then he walked home the rest of the way. The robbers took everything from Gheorghe… even his shoes. He was left with just his undergarments, and a red face. ***MARLAR: The guy certainly got over his embarrassment quickly, didn’t he? He was too embarrassed to tell anyone at first, but by the end of this story the guy is just in his underwear bumming a ride off a bus driver and then walking the rest of the way home!
WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT’S GOING TO BE A LONG MONDAY
- You show up to work and the company has moved
- Your boss is holding darts and asks you to paint a target on your chest
- While walking in the door, the receptionist starts shooting paintballs at you
- Your voice mail says it has 8 hours worth of messages
- You thought it was Friday
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
GOLFING TIP FOR LIFE
Looking for the secret to better golf scores?
According to Purdue University psychologist Jessica Witt, better golfers are more likely to view the hole as larger than their bogey-prone counterparts. Witt and her research team asked 46 golfers to estimate the size of the hole after playing a round of golf. From a poster, they selected one of nine black holes, ranging in size from 3.5 to 5 inches. In reality, the diameter of a golf hole is 4.3 inches. Those who selected larger holes had better scores on the course that day. ***MARLAR: You have to wonder if perhaps this doesn’t go along with the rest life. If we looked at our problems, and thought to ourselves, “this problem really isn’t all that big of a deal”, do you think maybe they’d resolve themselves a bit more easily?
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A new Pew study finds that American Christians have significantly different views on Israel than Christians who actually live there. In 2013, 82 percent of white American evangelicals believed that God gave the land of Israel to the Jews. In contrast, only 19 percent of Christians actually born, raised, and living in Israel believe that God gave the land of Israel to the Jewish people. Strange – you would think it would be the other way around. Read more about this study here… http://bit.ly/1W6ljeM
Christians around the world have one primary request: “Please pray for us!” To help in that effort, Voice of the Myrtrs has released an app to help support the body of Christ through daily prayer for the persecuted Christian church. This free Apple or Android app will help focus your prayer requests and remind you to pray each day. It includes 365 days of prayer requests, a daily prayer alert alarm, restricted and hostile nation information. http://bit.ly/20GHgnD
Many young football players dream of the day when they make it big in the NFL and can buy their mom a new house to say thanks for everything she’s done along the way. According to Today, For New York Giants running back Rashad Jennings, that proud moment was caught on a heartwarming video when he surprised his mother, Deborah, with a lavish new home. Jennings is in the midst of a four-year, $10 million contract that he signed in 2014 and is coming off a career-high 863 yards rushing with the Giants.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Don’t spend ten bucks to dry clean a shirt. Instead, donate it to the Salvation Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning buy it back for seventy- five cents.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 11, 2016…
Brothers Grimsby—Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong discover they are not only brothers, but Strong is a police officer and needs Cohen’s help. What a team that will make! Also in the cast is Ian McShane. “Brothers Grimsby” is rated R. No rating.
The Other Side Of The Door—A child passes away and the mother wants to communicate with the child. This is the premise of a supernatural film starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. Who really does know what is on the other side of any door? “The Other Side Of The Door” is rated R. No rating.
10 Cloverfield Lane—John Goodman stars in this movie of a man who offers underground protection to a family when a major disaster occurs. After a bit, was there really a disaster? Someone’s sinister plan? “10 Cloverfield Lane” is rated R. No rating.
Young Messiah (current title, this title could change)—This film tells the story of the young Jesus, known as Jesus Bar-Joseph, when he was a child in Egypt. It was tough growing up there and parents telling him he was special. The family hears that it might be safe to go back to Nazareth, but one king is dead and another reigns. The cast includes Sean Bean, David Bradley and Christian McKay. “Young Messiah” is rated PG-13. No rating.
Eye In The Sky—Helen Mirren is head of a drone attack squad and her top man is Aaron Paul. What happens when they are ordered to do a hit and children are there? Also in the cast is the late Alan Rickman. “Eye In The Sky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Hello, My Name Is Doris—Sally Field takes on the role of Doris, an older woman who now feels empowered and decides to date…a man (Max Greenfield) way younger than she is. How people will talk. “Hello, My Name Is Doris” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
MARCH 18, 2016…
Divergent: Alligant continues the storyline from the YA book series. Stars Shailene Woodley and Theo James.
Midnight Special tells the story of a parent trying to protect his child who may have supernatural powers. Stars Michael Shannon.
The Bronze stars Melissa Rausch (“Big Bang Theory”) in the true story of an injured gymnast. Rescheduled from an earlier date.
Ben Wheatley’s High Rise stars Tom Hiddleston as a lonely man who rents an apartment and doesn’t like the neighbors.
Preppie Connection has Thomas Mann in a true story of a college kid who becomes a top-notch drug dealer.
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