March 17, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep (ST. PATRICK’S DAY)

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160317

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Some people think it’s easy to sit here and spin CDs. But if you don’t do it just right, they’ll fall right off your finger.

 

People love to claim they’re Irish for St. Patrick’s Day even if they’re not. So why don’t we claim to be Japanese on Pearl Harbor Day, or claim to be black for the entire month of February? I’ll tell you why… because that would be stupid, insensitive, and racist. Enjoy your green beer, America!

 

I have searched everywhere and I just cannot find Nat King Cole’s St. Patrick’s Day album.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

God has saved us and called us to a holy life — not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. –2 Timothy 1:9 New International Version

 

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. — John 1:14

 

Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death — that is, the devil. — Hebrews 2:14

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Thought: What do you use for your life’s compass? No matter how insightful, wise, experienced, or knowledgeable we may be, only God can guide our steps properly. God asks us to trust him and his wisdom even when we can’t immediately see the rationale behind it. He wants us to recognize his presence, guidance, and grace in all we do. As we trust and as we acknowledge his presence, we suddenly realize that our paths are a lot straighter and our destinations are a lot a closer.

 

Prayer: Abba Father, please give me courage to not lean on my own understanding. I know my thinking can be flawed and what I intend for good can blow up in my face. Please bless me with wisdom and insight as I seek to live for you in today’s confusing and immoral world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Zephaniah 3:17 NIV = The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 17, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 282 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is GREEN RIVER DAY in Chicago.  *** Which, if you’ve seen the river that runs through Chicago, you wonder if green isn’t actually an improvement.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

Campfire Girls Day

Companies That Care Day

National Irish Coffee Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day

Forgive Mom and Dad Day

National Biodiesel Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 19

Clients Day

Corn Dog Day
Earth Hour

Endometriosis March Day

International Sports Car Racing Day

Goddess of Fertility Day

National Chocolate Caramel Day

National Poultry Day

National Quilting Day

Operation Iraqi Freedom Day

Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day

Atheist Pride Day

Bed-In For Peace Day

Great American Meat Out Day

International Astrology Day

International Day of Happiness

French Language Day

Kiss Your Fiancée Day

Proposal Day

Snowman Burning Day

Spring (Vernal Equinox) at 12:30am EDT

World Storytelling Day

Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day

World Day of Theatre for Children And Young People

 

MONDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day

International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination

International Day of Forests and the Tree

Memory Day

National Common Courtesy Day

National Renewable Energy Day

WE Day

National Single Parent Day

Poetry Day

Spring Fairy Fun Day

Twitter Day

Well-Elderly (Wellderly) Day

World Down Syndrome Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 22

American Diabetes Association Alert Day

As Young As You Feel Day

Education and Sharing Day

International Day of the Seal

National Goof-Off Day

Tuskegee Airmen Day

World Day of Water / World Water Day

World Day of Metta

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day

National Tamale Day

Near Miss Day

Ta’Anit Esther

OK Day

World Meteorological Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 24

International Day For The Right To The Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations And For Dignity Of Victims.  ***Seriously?  They couldn’t have come up with a shorter version of that?  Maybe IDRTCGHRVDV for short?

National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

World Tuberculosis Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1755: The Transylvania Land Company bought what is now the State of Kentucky from Cherokee Chief Groundhog Sausage. One source puts the price at $50,000, but it may have been less. Chief Dragging Canoe tried to prevent the sale.

 

1789: English writer Charlotte Elliott was born. An invalid for 50 years, she wrote 150 hymns, including the popular “Just As I Am.”

 

1010: The Camp Fire Girls organization was formed. It was presented to the public on this day two years later.

 

1958: The Coasters recorded “Yakety Yak.” Composers Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller wrote the song in ten minutes. (audio clip)

 

1962: Charlie Drake’s “My Boomerang Won’t Come Back” peaked at #21 on U.S. pop charts. It was Charlie’s biggest hit.

 

1966: The last Studebaker, a Daytona, was produced in Canada. The company’s U.S. plant already had closed.

 

1966: A U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb which had fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off Spain.

 

1967: The cover of Life magazine carried a picture of Snoopy and Charlie Brown.

 

1969: Golda Meir was sworn in as the first woman Prime Minister of Israel. Born in Russia, she grew in Wisconsin and once taught at a Milwaukee high school.

 

1990: 57-year-old French actress Capucine committed suicide in Lausanne, Switzerland. Thirty years earlier she had starred with John Wayne in “North to Alaska.” She also played Mrs. Inspector Clouseau in “The Pink Panther.”

 

1991: In its first dress code change since the 1960s, Brigham Young University announced that students could wear knee-length shorts and go sockless.

 

1998: 25-year-old Cristian Pavesi was convicted of murder in Brescia, Italy, and sentenced to 18 years under house arrest at his grandmother’s. When the sentence was read, the mother of the victim fainted.

 

1999: At a restaurant in Schererville, Indiana, an intoxicated man, angered by a slow-flushing toilet, pulled out a pistol and shot it. Several times. Police said no one was injured, but the toilet was destroyed.

 

1999: A Chinese illegal immigrant was given a year in jail for breaking into a Hong Kong home and eating an expensive pet turtle. Though the normal burglary sentence was three years, the judge assessed a lighter sentence because the defendant pleaded guilty, didn’t steal anything else, and claimed he was really hungry. He left two smaller turtles unharmed.

 

2005: Several major league baseball players told the U.S. Congress steroids were a problem in the sport.

 

2006: A U.S. appeals court ruled that the Environmental Protection Administration cannot exempt older power plants and refineries from the Clean Air Act, voting unanimously against the Bush administration’s interpretation of the law.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

461: Patrick, missionary to Ireland and that country’s patron saint, dies. Irish raiders captured Patrick, a Romanized Briton, and enslaved him as a youth. He escaped to Gaul (modern France) but returned to Ireland after experiencing a vision calling him back to preach. Patrick enjoyed great success there as a missionary, and only the far south remained predominantly pagan when he died.

 

1780: Thomas Chalmers, pastor, social reformer, and one of the founders of the Free Church of Scotland (FCS), is born. By his death in 1847, he had started missions in hundreds of poor urban settings, and he led a third of the Scottish clergy and a half of the laity of the church of Scotland into FCS in 1843. His chief concern throughout his life was the evangelization of the urban poor.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Ursula Hanson in Super Troopers, Melissa Hughes on “Boston Legal”) Marisa Coughlan 42
  • actor (The Christmas Shoes, The Christmas Blessing, Salem’s Lot, Jack Turner on “The Lyon’s Den”) Rob Lowe is 52
  • actor (Lt. Dan in Forest Gump, Ransom, “CSI: NewYork,” Mission to Mars, Apollo 13) Gary Sinise 61
  • actress (“The Bold and the Beautiful,” “Days of Our Lives”) Leslie-Ann Down 62
  • actor (Escape From New York, Escape From LA, Dreamer, Stargate) Kurt Russell 65 (audio clip)
  • actor (Bobby Ewing on “Dallas”) Patrick Duffy 67 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1919 : Nat King Cole

1935 : Adam Wade

1938 : Zola Taylor (The Platters)

1941 : Clarence Clemons

1941 : Paul Kantner of (Jefferson Airplane)

1944 : John Sebastian (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

1945 : Pattie Boyd is born. She would later marry George Harrison and Eric Clapton, and also inspire the song Layla. 1946 : Harold Brown (War)

1948 : Fran Byrne (Ace)

1951 : Scott Gorham (Thin Lizzy, Supertramp)

1959 : Mike Kindup (Level 42)

1967 : Billy Corgan (The Smashing Pumpkins)

1972 : Melissa Auf der Maur (Hole, The Smashing Pumpkins)

1973 : Caroline Corr (the Corrs)

1975 : Justin Hawkins (The Darkness)

1976 : Stephen Gately (Boyzone)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How are enormously heavy steel ships able to float?

From the way they look in the water, I’d say “with plenty of effort.” They appear to defy basic laws of nature. But in fact, they’re obeying a law of nature, buoyancy, which Greek mathematician Archimedes reportedly discovered while taking a bath. The trick in building ships so that they don’t go straight to the bottom is to get the shape right. The vessel has to be configured so that it will be buoyant, displacing a volume of water weighing as much as it does. In other words, if an amount of steel equal to that in a giant tanker were rolled into a compact ball and dropped into the sea, bye, bye ball. But if the metal is spread out over a thousand feet, the ship can cross the ocean.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Performing on stage with the band Kutless is now a laid back job for guitarist James Mead. The long time member of the band shared: Sometimes it takes me a long time to come down from the adrenaline of being onstage. I’m also doing a lot of Math homework on this tour. Between those two things, I could use your prayers that I’m getting enough sleep.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC7B31BpdZ3/

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell isn’t the only musician in the family. Early Mac shared a video of his daughter and her band in a local competition. This week his son Emmanuel was in the spotlight. Mac shared a short video of Emmanuel on the drums auditioning for his school talent show.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_XR_hgm6U/

 

The live telling of the life and death of Christ is just days away. The members of the Passion cast, including Michael W. Smith, will converge on New Orleans this Sunday for the Passion Live, a two hour live broadcast of the last days of Christ scheduled to air on Fox at 7pm CT on March 20. In the mean time, Michael and the rest of the Passion cast are asking you to share what love means to you. Share on social media using the hashtag PowerOfLove.

https://amp.twimg.com/v/e90555bd-8b7a-423d-8b6a-6840ef285b24

 

The After’s Josh Havens was struggling with the aftermath of a recent Donald Trump rally in Bloomington. He posted: My grandparents grave was desecrated by attendees of the rally across the street. Josh posted a picture of the World War 2 Vets grave torn up with tire tracks.

http://twitter.com/joshhavens/status/709471684613439489/photo/1

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo may have bitten off more than he can chew. Earlier this week he posted: In honor of Pi Day I will post every decimal place in the number pi. However, a short time later he issues a follow up post. Jaun said: This isn’t going so well. I’m making no progress at all. Sorry, Math.

 

The music of Ellie Holcomb is impacting Jenny Simmons and her family. Jenny posted this week: Driving a very sick baby to doc and she wants to listen to Ellie Holcomb so she’s not scared. Thankful for your music.

 

Music from Building 429 is showing up in spring training. Scott Price is a member of the San Francisco Giants organization. He recently posted: I am Unashamed. Jamming you guys throughout Spring Training!

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

It will be years before fully autonomous cars go mainstream. In the meantime, automakers are working on ways to make vehicles smart enough to tell if their human driver is actually paying attention. Car manufacturers such as Toyota, General Motors, and Volkswagen are testing systems that would be able to tell whether a driver is too tired or distracted to be trusted behind the wheel. The first of these systems could launch as early as next year.  ***78% of America will suddenly be unable to drive.

 

A recent YouGov survey reveals a poor recall of elementary mathematics, English and science among adults. According to the Guardian, many showed a shaky grasp of punctuation with almost one in four admitting to not knowing when to use a semi-colon; 18% didn’t know the rules governing the use of an apostrophe; and 17% had forgotten when to use a comma. ***Which is blatantly obvious if you spend even ten seconds reading others’ Facebook posts.

 

On Monday  police in Russia encountered an 8-year-old boy watching his father and two other men burglarize cars. Police said they were summoned around 3 AM by a resident who reported seeing three men breaking into cars at an apartment complex. Officers found three men in the parking and say the boy knew what his father and the others were doing. ***We really need to just stop this whole “Take Your Child To Work” nonsense.

 

A Vermont second-grader got his Mom’s boyfriend in trouble after his story about helping a farmer grow “special medicine” plants. The eight-year-old told school officials and police that he got to help his mother’s boyfriend grow “special medicine that can cure anything at all.” The boyfriend has since pleaded not guilty to a felony count of cultivating more than 25 marijuana plants.  ***Wait – marijuana can cure anything at all?  Why is this stuff illegal?!?!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY! Archaeologists in Cork, Ireland have uncovered startling new evidence that a race of leprechauns really existed on the Emerald Isle. A team of researchers excavating a 13-thousand year old burial mound report finding skeletal remains of 11 adult males, all under three feet tall. And in accordance with Celtic myths, beside each one was buried with a pot of gold.  ***MARLAR: And a box of Lucky Charms.

 

Almost 3 in 10 people plan to watch March Madness games while at work. ***It’s important to take a break from social media sometimes.

 

Scientists now say that obesity contributes to global warming. Their reasoning is that obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and they say the problem will get worse as we continue to pork out. Of course, they say this also adds to food shortages and higher energy prices. ***MARLAR: Al Gore is now his own worst enemy.

 

Philadelphia’s University of the Sciences discovered that ingesting 4 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil a day provides pain relief similar to taking Ibuprofen.  ***MARLAR: Especially if it’s administered in a big plate of lasagna.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Only a Game”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Flying”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Millard the Monkey was flying around the world with Jean Claude the flying squirrel trying to find somewhere that didn’t know about Steve Mozart.  But alas, that was impossible – so Millard, defeated, is now heading back home… where he always takes second place to Steve Mozart.

 

CLOSE: What on earth could Millard be planning?  What does a copy shop have to do with Steve Mozart’s concert?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 19/20

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Oooookay.  Personally, I think the song stinks.  I’d much rather hear some three-part harmony – I’m sure the Cheetah sisters would too.  Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Need a girlfriend?  Try arson!

University of Central Florida student Matthew Damsky wanted to meet women. Damsky then came up with a plan. Damsky admitted to setting a couch on fire at the Academic Village Dorms. Damsky told officers he hoped he would be able to meet women as the building was being evacuated. He instead met inmates after he was arrested for arson and booked into the local jail.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN UNNECESSARY INVENTIONS

 

  1. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?

 

  1. Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.

 

  1. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.

 

  1. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

 

  1. Colored Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

 

  1. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.

 

  1. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is so painful.

 

  1. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

 

  1. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: You are not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern.

 

  1. Doggie Sweaters: There was only ONE Mr. Rogers!

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but one sword sends a burglar to the pen!

 

FILE #1: Sometimes you just know it’s not your day. Take Budapest’s Pal Nagy, for example. He climbed over a fence with the intent of robbing a house. Unfortunately, our pal, Pal, was confronted by 23-year-old Virgine Ujlaky. That name may sound familiar to Olympic fencing fans as she’s one of the sport’s best. She also happened to be practicing her swordplay when Pal dropped in on her. Before you could say ‘en guard,’ her blade was against Pal’s throat. Police arrested Pal right after he was treated by paramedics for shock.

 

FILE #2: A successful bank robbery is never truly a success unless it’s done in conjunction with a successful getaway. Finding out the hard way was an unnamed 16-year-old Toronto boy. The kid walked into the bank and collected cash from the vault, the tellers and even the customers until 45 minutes later he had some $150,000 in his sack. If you’re thinking that 45 minutes would surely be enough time for someone to trigger a silent alarm and for police to surround the bank and wait for him to emerge to slap the handcuffs on him, you’d be absolutely correct.

 

FILE #3: If you’re planning to embark upon a career in bank robbery, it would be a good idea to possess a sharp memory.  Such was not the case for 26-year-old Terrell Green. It seems that Terrell walked into a bank and handed the teller a note from his wallet demanding money. When the teller asked what she should do with the money, the man handed her a white pillowcase into which she placed the loot, along with a complimentary dye pack. One thing Terrell didn’t take was his wallet, which he left behind on the counter, along with his identification. Police paid a visit to Terrell’s residence and made new living arrangements for him at the local jail.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Los Angeles, CA, it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Even police officers sometimes make mistakes when their brain is on drugs…

Ohio’s Jeff Krepina was arrested on DUI charges after he crashed his car into a building. When officers asked Krepina how much he had to drink before the accident, he replied, “Too much.” By the way, that was Sergeant Jeff Krepina, of the Parma Heights Police Department and the building he crashed into was the police department. Police Captain Garry Lauter says, “He is a good police officer. This is an isolated incident.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

They’re constantly coming out with new ways to cure men of balding. Everything from new pills to creams that you rub on your scalp. Phone poll for the guys: What would you be willing to give up for five years if it would guarantee you a full head of hair for the rest of your life?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Because many people believed in Jesus because of this man, the Jews wanted to put whom to death?

ANSWER: Lazarus (John 12:10-11)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Due to tectonic shifts, Mt. Everest keeps moving northeast every year.  How far northeast has it moved since this time last year?

ANSWER: Two inches.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The San Diego Zoo in California has the largest collection of animals in the world. (True)

 

  1. Golfers use an estimated $100 million worth of golf balls annually. (False – $800 million)

 

  1. Chevy Chase was actually the name of a battle that took place on the English-Scottish border in 1388. (True)

 

  1. In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi. (True)

 

  1. The idea for “tribbles” in “Star Trek” came from rabbits. (False – gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.)

 

  1. Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch. (True)

 

  1. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down. (True – if it weren’t for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.)

 

  1. The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Sammy Davis Jr. (False, it was owned by Frank Sinatra)

 

  1. The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 19 holes. (False – 15 holes, and there’s no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball)

 

  1. It’s technically against the law to say “gesundheit” after someone sneezes. (True. Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say “gesundheit” to a sneezer was never repealed.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GRANDPARENTS TO BE BANNED FROM _________ (FACEBOOK)

Tumblr pages have been dedicated to restaurant posts by them. Millions of young adults use blocking features to hide posts from them. Infiltration by the elderly on Facebook has been answered with a simple reply: You’re banned.

In a few months, Facebook will unveil a new website devoted solely to 80-somethings. The company says it’s a new opportunity for older users to connect on a more simplistic interface. But many others say it’s simply a way of maintaining the youth of the social network.

Mark Zuckerberg has remained mum on the subject since a short press release was posted Friday afternoon. Many read over the move at first, as it was hidden amongst several other objectives for the year. However, it plainly states the following:

“We at Facebook are here to serve you. So starting next month, users will be required to take a survey to assess your social media aptitude. Say you’re an 87-year-old who frequently signs their posts with a ‘Love, Grandpa’ tag. Well, congrats — you are now invited to our new website! More details will be available soon, guys.”

While this may be a dramatic shift for some, Facebook officials are hoping that the change will be seen as best for everyone. Changes made by the company have been criticized more and more recently, but insiders think this will mark a new era for the tech giant.

“We’re really just looking out for you,” said Facebook engineer Jimmy Braswell. “We’re constantly striving to give the most quality product possible. Let’s be honest: This is what we need.”

When asked if moving will be optional for those who are asked to go to the new site, Braswell was direct.

“This isn’t exactly a ‘ban’ or anything,” Braswell said. “But yeah, they’ll have to leave.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

(In Honor Of St. Patrick’s Day)

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American also applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” replied the manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” asked Murphy.

The manager said, “It’s simple. The American answered ‘I don’t know’ to question #5. You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

 

JOKE #2

(In Honor Of St. Patrick’s Day)

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”

 

JOKE #3

A British Airways employee answers the telephone and hears a female voice asking: “How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?”

As he turns to look the information up, he says, “Just a minute.”

He hears the voice on the phone say, “Thank you,” and she hangs up.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A fisherman in England caught a world-record minnow, a four-and-a-half inch fish weighing in at 5-1/4 ounces.  ***MARLAR: He’s having it mounted, but it’s too small for his fireplace – so he’s hanging it over his cigarette lighter.

 

New Scientist magazine reported on a number of new Internet-related addictions, including Cyberchondria, which means the fear that you have every disease you read about on the Internet.  ***MARLAR: You know you are addicted to the Internet when:

  • Writing a letter, you find yourself placing “com” after every period.
  • Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  • Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
  • You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity, phone lines, or wi-fi.
  • You spend half of the plane trip with your computer on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TAP AWAY

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DON’T DO THAT GOOD DEED TODAY!

Baking cookies for a little old lady now has two teenage girls in trouble with the law and also being sued by the old lady! 

In Durango, Colorado, two teenage girls who surprised their neighbors with homemade cookies one night were ordered to pay nearly $900 in medical bills to a woman who says she was so startled that she had to go to the hospital. 17-year-old Taylor Ostergaard and 18-year-old Lindsey Jo Zellitti baked the chocolate chip and sugar cookies one night last July. They made packages with a half-dozen cookies each and added large red construction-paper hearts that carried the message, “Have a great night! Love, The T and L Club.” Then they set off to make their deliveries. But 49-year-old Wanita Renea says when she said saw “shadowy figures” outside the house knocking on her door. She yelled, “Who’s there?” but no one answered, and the figures ran away. The teens said they didn’t answer because they wanted the treats to be a surprise. Wanita says she was so frightened, she spent the night at her sister’s house, then went to the hospital the next morning because she was still shaking and had an upset stomach. And get this — the kids’ families offered to pay the her medical bills, but she declined and sued, saying their apologies were not sincere and were not offered in person. After the judge’s decision was announced, Taylor’s mom said the girls, “cried and cried.”  ***MARLAR: This is some kind of sick world we live in when something like this can happen. Remember everybody, if Wanita’s house is on fire late at night, don’t yell and wake her. You might scare her so bad she might sue you.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Jesus said, “I am, and you will see me, the Son of Man, sitting at God’s right hand in the place of power and coming back on the clouds of heaven.” —Mark 14:62

Jesus stood before the high priest and boldly declared who He was. There stood Christ, unafraid of death, declaring before all men His identity and their judgment. His bold, resilient declaration ignited a storm like a match in a powder keg. Oh, what a difference the presence of the Holy Spirit makes as He gives us boldness to fearlessly declare our witness for God!
How opposite Jesus’ assertion was from Peter’s timid, fearful denial of who He was just six verses later. Peter shrank back, cursing, swearing, and denying that he had ever known Christ. If “fearing people is a dangerous trap” as Proverbs 29:25 declares, then Peter fell headlong into that trap. What a change we can observe in Peter’s life, however, when he stood up on the day of Pentecost, demanding repentance from the men who had crucified Christ!
Joshua and Caleb demonstrated the same boldness when facing a whole assembly that was about to stone them (Numbers 14:10). Never let the fear of man intimidate you in your greatest hour of destiny. Others may run, hide, and deny, but you must stand tall and be bold.

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DOTS AND DOUGHNUT HOLES

Read: Psalm 104:1-15

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. —Psalm 103:2

As a minister was addressing a group of men, he took a large piece of paper and made a black dot in the center of it. Then he held up the paper and asked them what they saw.

One person replied, “I see a black mark.” “Right,” the preacher said. “What else?” Complete silence prevailed. “I’m really surprised,” the speaker commented. “You have completely overlooked the most important thing of all—the sheet of paper.”

We are often distracted by small, dot-like disappointments, and we are prone to forget the innumerable blessings we receive from the Lord. But like the sheet of paper, the good things are far more important than the adversities that monopolize our attention.

This reminds me of a whimsical bit of verse that expresses good practical advice. “As you travel down life’s pathway, may this ever be your goal: Keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole!”

Yes, rather than concentrating on the trials of life, we should fix our attention on its blessings. Let’s say with the psalmist, “Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits” (Psalm 68:19).

Let’s keep praising Him so we won’t be distracted by dots and doughnut holes. —Richard De Haan

 

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged—God is over all;
Count your many blessings—angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end. —Oatman

 

Spend your time counting your blessings—not airing your complaints.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

WOMAN HAS SCISSORS STUCK IN HER CHEST FOR 10 YEARS

We assumed that the medical community wasn’t as advanced in Georgetown, Guyana as it is here at home but this story will leave you queasy! A Guyana woman has had a pair of surgical scissors lodged in her chest for 10 years without knowing it! 43 year old Roman Soman recently received treatment after breaking a bone and X-Rays revealed the scissors that were apparently forgotten after a chest operation performed at the same hospital in 1990! The Guyana Medical Association will provide Roman with financial compensation and they plan on removing the scissors this week.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Don’t go shopping when you’re feeling sad or you’ll end up suffering the empty wallet blues.

(National Enquirer) To test this theory, researchers offered to sell bottled water to study participants, some of whom had watched a sad video immediately beforehand. The video, about the death of a boy’s mentor, had a surprisingly dramatic effect on spending habits. Those who watched it were willing to spend four times more on the water than those who did not. Yet they claimed the video had no effect on their spending. “This is really different from the idea of retail therapy, where people are feeling negative and want to cheer themselves up by shopping,” said researcher Jennifer Lerner of Harvard. “People have no idea this is going on.” ***MARLAR: So – whatever you do – do NOT watch “Passion of the Christ” before you go shopping!

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THERE AIN’T NO ANTIBIOTICS FOR COMPUTER VIRUSES

You no longer have to surf the Internet to pick up some nasty computer viruses. That because some cool gadgets like iPods, GPS systems and digital picture frames are coming pre-loaded with viruses that can hop into your computer when you plug them into your PC. They’ve tracked those viruses to the Chinese factories where the devices are made. Apparently what happens is that a Chinese worker who doesn’t know any better, plugs the device into one of their computers to test it. Well, those computers at the Chinese factories don’t have firewalls to keep out the viruses, so they jump into the gadget without anyone knowing it and, ultimately, into your computer. The good news is that if your computer has solid anti-virus software and if you keep it up to date, you’ll probably be safe.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR MIGHT BE A LEPRECHAUN

  • Plays in the same rec basketball league as Mini-Me
  • Needs a step-ladder to reach the mailbox
  • Always wearing that stupid “Sham Rock Cafe” t-shirt
  • Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard
  • Thinks everyone is always after his Lucky Charms

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

COUPLE FINED $3,400 FOR PINK FLAMINGOS


Plastic pink flamingoes may cost a pretty penny to persistent people.

Ellen and Doug Henry live in Lawrenceville, Georgia. They live in a neighborhood that has LOTS of rules as to how you are allowed to decorate your house. They’re now trying to sell their house… and have discovered that the homeowners association has put a lien on their house! Why? Because they had a couple of pink flamingos in their yard! It turns out the association has been fining the Henry’s $25 A DAY for keeping two of the plastic pink flamingos in their front yard. . . and the fine is now up to $3,400! The association says it’s willing to call the whole thing off for $374, but Ellen Henry says they won’t pay more than $100. If the couple does not pay the fine, the association’s lawyer says the group can legally take their $3,400 from the money the Henry’s make on their house.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

4 secrets of happy husbands

1.Prioritizes his wife’s preferences ahead of his own.

  1. Compliments his wife every chance he gets.
  2. Remains faithful to his wife physically AND virtually.
  3. Prioritizes time with his wife ahead of his hobbies and other pursuits.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davewillis/4-secrets-of-happy-husbands/

 

5 Spiritual Dangers of Skipping Church

  1. You will miss out on God’s primary design for your spiritual growth and well-being.
  2. You disobey God.
  3. You make a statement to the world that God is not worthy of worship.
  4. You can’t minister to anyone.
  5. You skip out on a foretaste of heaven.

http://ftc.co/blog/posts/5-spiritual-dangers-of-skipping-church#.VugEE0Wn78d.facebook

 

7 Marriage Lessons from the Reagans 52 years

1.They were best friends.

  1. They always had each other’s back.
  2. They respected each other’s opinions.
  3. They supported each other’s dreams.
  4. They shared each other’s struggles.
  5. They had FUN.
  6. They never gave up on each other.

http://bit.ly/1nDbwAO

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Even as a kid, I knew someday I’d be in a profession where I could help people. Either that or a Viking ’cause man, you gotta admit, those helmets with horns are pretty cool. –Daniel Avrin

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 11, 2016…

 

Brothers Grimsby—Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong discover they are not only brothers, but Strong is a police officer and needs Cohen’s help.  What a team that will make! Also in the cast is Ian McShane.  “Brothers Grimsby” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Other Side Of The Door—A child passes away and the mother wants to communicate with the child.  This is the premise of a supernatural film starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. Who really does know what is on the other side of any door?  “The Other Side Of The Door” is rated R. No rating.

 

10 Cloverfield Lane—John Goodman stars in this movie of a man who offers underground protection to a family when a major disaster occurs.  After a bit, was there really a disaster?  Someone’s sinister plan?  “10 Cloverfield Lane” is rated R. No rating.

 

Young Messiah (current title, this title could change)—This film tells the story of the young Jesus, known as Jesus Bar-Joseph,  when he was a child in Egypt.  It was tough growing up there and parents telling him he was special. The family hears that it might be safe to go back to Nazareth, but one king is dead and another reigns. The cast includes Sean Bean, David Bradley and Christian McKay. “Young Messiah” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Eye In The Sky—Helen Mirren is head of a drone attack squad and her top man is Aaron Paul.  What happens when they are ordered to do a hit and children are there?  Also in the cast is the late Alan Rickman. “Eye In The Sky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Hello, My Name Is Doris—Sally Field takes on the role of Doris, an older woman who now feels empowered and decides to date…a man (Max Greenfield) way younger than she is.  How people will talk.  “Hello, My Name Is Doris” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MARCH 18, 2016…

 

Divergent: Alligant continues the storyline from the YA book series. Stars Shailene Woodley and Theo James.

 

Midnight Special tells the story of a parent trying to protect his child who may have supernatural powers. Stars Michael Shannon.

 

The Bronze stars Melissa Rausch (“Big Bang Theory”) in the true story of an injured gymnast. Rescheduled from an earlier date.

 

Ben Wheatley’s High Rise stars Tom Hiddleston as a lonely man who rents an apartment and doesn’t like the neighbors.

 

Preppie Connection has Thomas Mann in a true story of a college kid who becomes a top-notch drug dealer.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.