March 17, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep (ST. PATRICK’S DAY)

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Some people think it’s easy to sit here and spin CDs. But if you don’t do it just right, they’ll fall right off your finger.

People love to claim they’re Irish for St. Patrick’s Day even if they’re not. So why don’t we claim to be Japanese on Pearl Harbor Day, or claim to be black for the entire month of February? I’ll tell you why… because that would be stupid, insensitive, and racist. Enjoy your green beer, America!

I have searched everywhere and I just cannot find Nat King Cole’s St. Patrick’s Day album.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

God has saved us and called us to a holy life — not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time. –2 Timothy 1:9 New International Version

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. — John 1:14

Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death — that is, the devil. — Hebrews 2:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

Thought: What do you use for your life’s compass? No matter how insightful, wise, experienced, or knowledgeable we may be, only God can guide our steps properly. God asks us to trust him and his wisdom even when we can’t immediately see the rationale behind it. He wants us to recognize his presence, guidance, and grace in all we do. As we trust and as we acknowledge his presence, we suddenly realize that our paths are a lot straighter and our destinations are a lot a closer.

Prayer: Abba Father, please give me courage to not lean on my own understanding. I know my thinking can be flawed and what I intend for good can blow up in my face. Please bless me with wisdom and insight as I seek to live for you in today’s confusing and immoral world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Zephaniah 3:17 NIV = The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MARCH 17, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
282 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is GREEN RIVER DAY in Chicago. *** Which, if you’ve seen the river that runs through Chicago, you wonder if green isn’t actually an improvement.

TODAY IS ALSO…
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence
National Irish Coffee Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day
Corn Dog Day
BYO Cup Day (7-11)
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
International Sports Car Racing Day
National Biodiesel Day
Worldwide Quilting Day)
Play The Recorder Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 19

Client’s Day
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
National Poultry Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day

MONDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-in For Peace Day (Beatles – John and Yoko)
Great American Meat Out Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) 6:29 am EDT
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People

TUESDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day
National Agriculture Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Renewable Energy Day
National Single Parent Day
Poetry Day
Spring Fairy Fun Day
Twitter Day
World Down Syndrome Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)

THURSDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 24

International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
Red Nose Day
US Snow Shoe Days
World Tuberculosis Day

ON THIS DAY

1755: The Transylvania Land Company bought what is now the State of Kentucky from Cherokee Chief Groundhog Sausage. One source puts the price at $50,000, but it may have been less. Chief Dragging Canoe tried to prevent the sale.

1789: English writer Charlotte Elliott was born. An invalid for 50 years, she wrote 150 hymns, including the popular “Just As I Am.”

1010: The Camp Fire Girls organization was formed. It was presented to the public on this day two years later.

1958: The Coasters recorded “Yakety Yak.” Composers Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller wrote the song in ten minutes. (audio clip)

1962: Charlie Drake’s “My Boomerang Won’t Come Back” peaked at #21 on U.S. pop charts. It was Charlie’s biggest hit.

1966: The last Studebaker, a Daytona, was produced in Canada. The company’s U.S. plant already had closed.

1966: A U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb which had fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off Spain.

1967: The cover of Life magazine carried a picture of Snoopy and Charlie Brown.

1969: Golda Meir was sworn in as the first woman Prime Minister of Israel. Born in Russia, she grew in Wisconsin and once taught at a Milwaukee high school.

1990: 57-year-old French actress Capucine committed suicide in Lausanne, Switzerland. Thirty years earlier she had starred with John Wayne in “North to Alaska.” She also played Mrs. Inspector Clouseau in “The Pink Panther.”

1991: In its first dress code change since the 1960s, Brigham Young University announced that students could wear knee-length shorts and go sockless.

1998: 25-year-old Cristian Pavesi was convicted of murder in Brescia, Italy, and sentenced to 18 years under house arrest at his grandmother’s. When the sentence was read, the mother of the victim fainted.

1999: At a restaurant in Schererville, Indiana, an intoxicated man, angered by a slow-flushing toilet, pulled out a pistol and shot it. Several times. Police said no one was injured, but the toilet was destroyed.

1999: A Chinese illegal immigrant was given a year in jail for breaking into a Hong Kong home and eating an expensive pet turtle. Though the normal burglary sentence was three years, the judge assessed a lighter sentence because the defendant pleaded guilty, didn’t steal anything else, and claimed he was really hungry. He left two smaller turtles unharmed.

2005: Several major league baseball players told the U.S. Congress steroids were a problem in the sport.

2006: A U.S. appeals court ruled that the Environmental Protection Administration cannot exempt older power plants and refineries from the Clean Air Act, voting unanimously against the Bush administration’s interpretation of the law.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

461: Patrick, missionary to Ireland and that country’s patron saint, dies. Irish raiders captured Patrick, a Romanized Briton, and enslaved him as a youth. He escaped to Gaul (modern France) but returned to Ireland after experiencing a vision calling him back to preach. Patrick enjoyed great success there as a missionary, and only the far south remained predominantly pagan when he died.

1780: Thomas Chalmers, pastor, social reformer, and one of the founders of the Free Church of Scotland (FCS), is born. By his death in 1847, he had started missions in hundreds of poor urban settings, and he led a third of the Scottish clergy and a half of the laity of the church of Scotland into FCS in 1843. His chief concern throughout his life was the evangelization of the urban poor.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Ursula Hanson in Super Troopers, Melissa Hughes on “Boston Legal”) Marisa Coughlan 43

  • actor (The Christmas Shoes, The Christmas Blessing, Salem’s Lot, Jack Turner on “The Lyon’s Den”) Rob Lowe is 53

  • actor (Lt. Dan in Forest Gump, Ransom, “CSI: NewYork,” Mission to Mars, Apollo 13) Gary Sinise 62

  • actress (“The Bold and the Beautiful,” “Days of Our Lives”) Leslie-Ann Down 63

  • actor (Escape From New York, Escape From LA, Dreamer, Stargate) Kurt Russell 66 (audio clip)

  • actor (Bobby Ewing on “Dallas”) Patrick Duffy 68 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1919 : Nat King Cole

1935 : Adam Wade

1938 : Zola Taylor (The Platters)

1941 : Clarence Clemons

1941 : Paul Kantner of (Jefferson Airplane)

1944 : John Sebastian (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

1945 : Pattie Boyd is born. She would later marry George Harrison and Eric Clapton, and also inspire the song Layla. 1946 : Harold Brown (War)

1948 : Fran Byrne (Ace)

1951 : Scott Gorham (Thin Lizzy, Supertramp)

1959 : Mike Kindup (Level 42)

1967 : Billy Corgan (The Smashing Pumpkins)

1972 : Melissa Auf der Maur (Hole, The Smashing Pumpkins)

1973 : Caroline Corr (the Corrs)

1975 : Justin Hawkins (The Darkness)

1976 : Stephen Gately (Boyzone)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How are enormously heavy steel ships able to float?

From the way they look in the water, I’d say “with plenty of effort.” They appear to defy basic laws of nature. But in fact, they’re obeying a law of nature, buoyancy, which Greek mathematician Archimedes reportedly discovered while taking a bath. The trick in building ships so that they don’t go straight to the bottom is to get the shape right. The vessel has to be configured so that it will be buoyant, displacing a volume of water weighing as much as it does. In other words, if an amount of steel equal to that in a giant tanker were rolled into a compact ball and dropped into the sea, bye, bye ball. But if the metal is spread out over a thousand feet, the ship can cross the ocean.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett needs help…maybe. She posted recently: HELP! My bed is holding me hostage and I have a lot to get done today!! Actually, just come check on me in another hour or so…

The members of Mercyme are good at improvising. Members of the band posted a picture while sorting through the Cracker Barrel warehouse. They were at the Crackerbarrel headquarters to play an acoustic set and shared that Mike forgot his guitar slide. The band sorted through boxes until they found a bottle that was just the right size for a replacement and the show went on as scheduled. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRbacnPBTTK/

Just in case you ever wondered what happens when you forget your tour pass on the Roadshow, now you know. The Roadshow’s social media manager posted a picture wearing a backstage pass that is nearly as big as he is. The pass includes large print that proclaims: “I Lost My Pass”. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRbSjVblzyU/

Sam’s Club is known for supersizing things and Steven Curtis Chapman is no exception. His wife Mary Beth Chapman posted a picture of Steven holding a copy of his book at Sam’s Club that is as big as he is. She posted: I knew if he wrote a book it would be big! Sam’s club headquarters welcomed him is a super-sized way! https://www.instagram.com/p/BRZu_DfBpSy/

Former Sanctus Real front man Matt Hammitt recently found some band memorabilia. He posted: The ultimate piece of Sanctus Real memorabilia. Our first album on cassette tape from 1997. Might need to bust out my Walkman!

https://twitter.com/matthammitt/status/839496542948044801/photo/1

Bart Millard on the song Even If: “This song is a reminder to people in difficult situations that don’t seem to go away. God was worthy long before any of these circumstances even showed up. It’s a foundation that was built long before those difficulties came to be. This song is a declaration to God that even if He went silent and never said another word, He’s still worthy to be praised, and He’s our greatest hope in the midst of the trial.”

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard shared some advice from Dave Ramsey that has impacted his life. The advice: Save 3-6 mo. of expenses for your Rainy Day fund. Why? It is going to rain. Jon added: This was one of the most crucial things Jess and I have ever done. Amazing how emergencies happen less when you’re prepared for them too.

https://twitter.com/DaveRamsey/status/839444749018927104

Chris Tomlin on small beginnings. He posted: I never imagined I’d be a songwriter or worship leader. I was sick one summer with mono when I was a kid, so my dad encouraged me to learn guitar by way of Willie Nelson songs. Learning those songs started me down a path that changed my life. It’s taught me to never despise small beginnings, to take advantage of every opportunity put in front of you (even if you feel ill-equipped), and to pursue relationships with those God brings your way!

We Are Messengers front man Darren Mullegan has put together a 7 day bible reading plan. It’s part of the Overflow Devotional Series. https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/3713-we-are-messengers-the-overflow-devo/day/1

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips is concerned. He posted this week: I’m just not quite sure if the Newsboys have enough lasers. Check out the picture and then let Duncan know what you think. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRSWd3Zjvuq/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A new study finds that dogs are capable of lying. ***Which we all should’ve known already. You give him treats, then he goes to someone else in the house and begs for treats as if he never got any from you.

A woman on a flight from China to Australia awoke mid-flight after her battery-operated headphones exploded, caught fire and began to melt. ***Ironically, she had been listening to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” at the time.

Rescue workers had to remove part of a wall to pull a naked man out of a sandwich shop where he spent the night trapped inside a narrow passage. A construction crew arriving at a job site Tuesday in Napa, California, heard faint calls for help coming from the closed shop. Authorities say it appears the man fell into the shaft from the roof of the building. A construction worker says the man said he was looking for a wishing well when he became trapped. Workers removed a portion of the shop’s front wall to rescue the man. He was not identified and taken to a hospital for treatment. ***As to why he was naked, no explanation. I can only assume he thought wishing wells worked better if you’re in your birthday suit.

Scientists estimate that the world’s spider population eats 400 to 800 million tons of bugs every year. ***So yeah, you’re ugly and scary, but thank you, you 8-legged freaks!

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer will get $23 million in severance pay on her way out of the company. ***I’m leaving a copy of this on the boss’ desk… with that “$23-million in severance” highlighted in bright yellow.

Syria’s civil war hit the 6-year mark on Wednesday. ***Umm… congratulations?

Ben Affleck revealed he recently checked into rehab and underwent treatment for alcohol addiction. ***Well, if a super-powered alien from outer space started yelling out your mother’s name, you’d probably start drinking too.

Residents of Ocala, Florida, have been warned to be on the lookout for an escaped pet: a cobra! ***So as you prepare for the arrival of spring, you might not want to take for granted that that garden hose is actually a garden hose.

On Saturday a 70-pound popcorn ball valued at $700 was stolen from a display spot outside a popcorn shop in Ohio. The story has a happy ending — someone anonymously returned the ball to the store late Tuesday or early Wednesday. The stolen popcorn ball was returned intact. ***The probably returned after realizing they’d just stolen a 70-pound popcorn ball, which has a total street value of nothing.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY! Archaeologists in Cork, Ireland have uncovered startling new evidence that a race of leprechauns really existed on the Emerald Isle. A team of researchers excavating a 13-thousand year old burial mound report finding skeletal remains of 11 adult males, all under three feet tall. And in accordance with Celtic myths, beside each one was buried with a pot of gold. ***And a box of Lucky Charms.

Almost 3 in 10 people plan to watch March Madness games while at work. ***It’s important to take a break from social media sometimes.

Using data from the Centers From Disease Control, Fargo has been named America’s drunkest city (by Bustle.com). ***Well – it’s Fargo. What else is there to do there?

If you think it costs too much to eat your fruits and vegetables, think again. According to a study by the Department of Agriculture, consumers can get their recommended three servings of fruits and four servings of vegetables daily for less than a dollar. ***That assumes you buy them raw at the grocery store. If you’re like most Americans, it’ll cost you at least ten bucks a day to get the same amounts by eating fruit parfaits, Popsicles and pizza.

Swiss scientists have demonstrated how a partially paralyzed person can control a robot by thought alone, a step they hope will one day allow immobile people to interact with their surroundings through so-called avatars. ***Great, that’s all we need… really tall, blue people walking around.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had really busy schedules – so busy in fact that not only did they not have time to get everything done, but they didn’t have time even to plan what they had to do! They didn’t even have time for campfire meetings – and now, no time to even talk to each other!

CLOSE: It’s no wonder they’re so exhausted – they’ve been working so hard and so long without sleep! But now how will they get everything done on their schedules? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Need a girlfriend?  Try arson!

University of Central Florida student Matthew Damsky wanted to meet women. Damsky then came up with a plan. Damsky admitted to setting a couch on fire at the Academic Village Dorms. Damsky told officers he hoped he would be able to meet women as the building was being evacuated. He instead met inmates after he was arrested for arson and booked into the local jail.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN UNNECESSARY INVENTIONS

10. Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?

9. Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.

8. Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.

7. Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

6. Colored Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

5. Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.

4. The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is so painful.

3. Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

2. Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: You are not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern.

1. Doggie Sweaters: There was only ONE Mr. Rogers!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but one sword sends a burglar to the pen!

FILE #1: Sometimes you just know it’s not your day. Take Budapest’s Pal Nagy, for example. He climbed over a fence with the intent of robbing a house. Unfortunately, our pal, Pal, was confronted by 23-year-old Virgine Ujlaky. That name may sound familiar to Olympic fencing fans as she’s one of the sport’s best. She also happened to be practicing her swordplay when Pal dropped in on her. Before you could say ‘en guard,’ her blade was against Pal’s throat. Police arrested Pal right after he was treated by paramedics for shock.

FILE #2: A successful bank robbery is never truly a success unless it’s done in conjunction with a successful getaway. Finding out the hard way was an unnamed 16-year-old Toronto boy. The kid walked into the bank and collected cash from the vault, the tellers and even the customers until 45 minutes later he had some $150,000 in his sack. If you’re thinking that 45 minutes would surely be enough time for someone to trigger a silent alarm and for police to surround the bank and wait for him to emerge to slap the handcuffs on him, you’d be absolutely correct.

FILE #3: If you’re planning to embark upon a career in bank robbery, it would be a good idea to possess a sharp memory. Such was not the case for 26-year-old Terrell Green. It seems that Terrell walked into a bank and handed the teller a note from his wallet demanding money. When the teller asked what she should do with the money, the man handed her a white pillowcase into which she placed the loot, along with a complimentary dye pack. One thing Terrell didn’t take was his wallet, which he left behind on the counter, along with his identification. Police paid a visit to Terrell’s residence and made new living arrangements for him at the local jail.

STRANGE LAW: In Los Angeles, CA, it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Even police officers sometimes make mistakes when their brain is on drugs…

Ohio’s Jeff Krepina was arrested on DUI charges after he crashed his car into a building. When officers asked Krepina how much he had to drink before the accident, he replied, “Too much.” By the way, that was Sergeant Jeff Krepina, of the Parma Heights Police Department and the building he crashed into was the police department. Police Captain Garry Lauter says, “He is a good police officer. This is an isolated incident.”

PHONER PHUN

They’re constantly coming out with new ways to cure men of balding. Everything from new pills to creams that you rub on your scalp. Phone poll for the guys: What would you be willing to give up for five years if it would guarantee you a full head of hair for the rest of your life?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Because many people believed in Jesus because of this man, the Jews wanted to put whom to death?

ANSWER: Lazarus (John 12:10-11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Due to tectonic shifts, Mt. Everest keeps moving northeast every year.  How far northeast has it moved since this time last year?

ANSWER: Two inches.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The San Diego Zoo in California has the largest collection of animals in the world. (True)

2. Golfers use an estimated $100 million worth of golf balls annually. (False – $800 million)

3. Chevy Chase was actually the name of a battle that took place on the English-Scottish border in 1388. (True)

4. In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi. (True)

5. The idea for “tribbles” in “Star Trek” came from rabbits. (False – gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.)

6. Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch. (True)

7. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down. (True – if it weren’t for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.)

8. The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Sammy Davis Jr. (False, it was owned by Frank Sinatra)

9. The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 19 holes. (False – 15 holes, and there’s no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball)

10. It’s technically against the law to say “gesundheit” after someone sneezes. (True. Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say “gesundheit” to a sneezer was never repealed.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GRANDPARENTS TO BE BANNED FROM _________ (FACEBOOK)

Tumblr pages have been dedicated to restaurant posts by them. Millions of young adults use blocking features to hide posts from them. Infiltration by the elderly on Facebook has been answered with a simple reply: You’re banned.

In a few months, Facebook will unveil a new website devoted solely to 80-somethings. The company says it’s a new opportunity for older users to connect on a more simplistic interface. But many others say it’s simply a way of maintaining the youth of the social network.

Mark Zuckerberg has remained mum on the subject since a short press release was posted Friday afternoon. Many read over the move at first, as it was hidden amongst several other objectives for the year. However, it plainly states the following:

“We at Facebook are here to serve you. So starting next month, users will be required to take a survey to assess your social media aptitude. Say you’re an 87-year-old who frequently signs their posts with a ‘Love, Grandpa’ tag. Well, congrats — you are now invited to our new website! More details will be available soon, guys.”

While this may be a dramatic shift for some, Facebook officials are hoping that the change will be seen as best for everyone. Changes made by the company have been criticized more and more recently, but insiders think this will mark a new era for the tech giant.

“We’re really just looking out for you,” said Facebook engineer Jimmy Braswell. “We’re constantly striving to give the most quality product possible. Let’s be honest: This is what we need.”

When asked if moving will be optional for those who are asked to go to the new site, Braswell was direct.

“This isn’t exactly a ‘ban’ or anything,” Braswell said. “But yeah, they’ll have to leave.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

(In Honor Of St. Patrick’s Day)

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American also applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” replied the manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” asked Murphy.

The manager said, “It’s simple. The American answered ‘I don’t know’ to question #5. You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

JOKE #2

(In Honor Of St. Patrick’s Day)

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”

JOKE #3

A British Airways employee answers the telephone and hears a female voice asking: “How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?”

As he turns to look the information up, he says, “Just a minute.”

He hears the voice on the phone say, “Thank you,” and she hangs up.

USELESS FACTS

Around 30% of women have changed their hairstyle without telling their partner first. ***And about 100% of men don’t notice… because they’re men.

55% of women have used company time to go to a tanning salon. ***Well, you gotta look good for your clients! In fact, tanning should be tax-deductible!

FEATURED FUNNIES

TAP AWAY

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DON’T DO THAT GOOD DEED TODAY!

Baking cookies for a little old lady now has two teenage girls in trouble with the law and also being sued by the old lady! 

In Durango, Colorado, two teenage girls who surprised their neighbors with homemade cookies one night were ordered to pay nearly $900 in medical bills to a woman who says she was so startled that she had to go to the hospital. 17-year-old Taylor Ostergaard and 18-year-old Lindsey Jo Zellitti baked the chocolate chip and sugar cookies one night last July. They made packages with a half-dozen cookies each and added large red construction-paper hearts that carried the message, “Have a great night! Love, The T and L Club.” Then they set off to make their deliveries. But 49-year-old Wanita Renea says when she said saw “shadowy figures” outside the house knocking on her door. She yelled, “Who’s there?” but no one answered, and the figures ran away. The teens said they didn’t answer because they wanted the treats to be a surprise. Wanita says she was so frightened, she spent the night at her sister’s house, then went to the hospital the next morning because she was still shaking and had an upset stomach. And get this — the kids’ families offered to pay the her medical bills, but she declined and sued, saying their apologies were not sincere and were not offered in person. After the judge’s decision was announced, Taylor’s mom said the girls, “cried and cried.”  ***MARLAR: This is some kind of sick world we live in when something like this can happen. Remember everybody, if Wanita’s house is on fire late at night, don’t yell and wake her. You might scare her so bad she might sue you.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Jesus said, “I am, and you will see me, the Son of Man, sitting at God’s right hand in the place of power and coming back on the clouds of heaven.” —Mark 14:62

Jesus stood before the high priest and boldly declared who He was. There stood Christ, unafraid of death, declaring before all men His identity and their judgment. His bold, resilient declaration ignited a storm like a match in a powder keg. Oh, what a difference the presence of the Holy Spirit makes as He gives us boldness to fearlessly declare our witness for God!
How opposite Jesus’ assertion was from Peter’s timid, fearful denial of who He was just six verses later. Peter shrank back, cursing, swearing, and denying that he had ever known Christ. If “fearing people is a dangerous trap” as Proverbs 29:25 declares, then Peter fell headlong into that trap. What a change we can observe in Peter’s life, however, when he stood up on the day of Pentecost, demanding repentance from the men who had crucified Christ!
Joshua and Caleb demonstrated the same boldness when facing a whole assembly that was about to stone them (Numbers 14:10). Never let the fear of man intimidate you in your greatest hour of destiny. Others may run, hide, and deny, but you must stand tall and be bold.

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DOTS AND DOUGHNUT HOLES

Read: Psalm 104:1-15

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. —Psalm 103:2

As a minister was addressing a group of men, he took a large piece of paper and made a black dot in the center of it. Then he held up the paper and asked them what they saw.

One person replied, “I see a black mark.” “Right,” the preacher said. “What else?” Complete silence prevailed. “I’m really surprised,” the speaker commented. “You have completely overlooked the most important thing of all—the sheet of paper.”

We are often distracted by small, dot-like disappointments, and we are prone to forget the innumerable blessings we receive from the Lord. But like the sheet of paper, the good things are far more important than the adversities that monopolize our attention.

This reminds me of a whimsical bit of verse that expresses good practical advice. “As you travel down life’s pathway, may this ever be your goal: Keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole!”

Yes, rather than concentrating on the trials of life, we should fix our attention on its blessings. Let’s say with the psalmist, “Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits” (Psalm 68:19).

Let’s keep praising Him so we won’t be distracted by dots and doughnut holes. —Richard De Haan

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged—God is over all;
Count your many blessings—angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end. —Oatman

Spend your time counting your blessings—not airing your complaints.

LEFTOVERS

WOMAN HAS SCISSORS STUCK IN HER CHEST FOR 10 YEARS

We assumed that the medical community wasn’t as advanced in Georgetown, Guyana as it is here at home but this story will leave you queasy! A Guyana woman has had a pair of surgical scissors lodged in her chest for 10 years without knowing it! 43 year old Roman Soman recently received treatment after breaking a bone and X-Rays revealed the scissors that were apparently forgotten after a chest operation performed at the same hospital in 1990! The Guyana Medical Association will provide Roman with financial compensation and they plan on removing the scissors this week.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Don’t go shopping when you’re feeling sad or you’ll end up suffering the empty wallet blues.

(National Enquirer) To test this theory, researchers offered to sell bottled water to study participants, some of whom had watched a sad video immediately beforehand. The video, about the death of a boy’s mentor, had a surprisingly dramatic effect on spending habits. Those who watched it were willing to spend four times more on the water than those who did not. Yet they claimed the video had no effect on their spending. “This is really different from the idea of retail therapy, where people are feeling negative and want to cheer themselves up by shopping,” said researcher Jennifer Lerner of Harvard. “People have no idea this is going on.” ***MARLAR: So – whatever you do – do NOT watch “Passion of the Christ” before you go shopping!

JUST FOR FUN

THERE AIN’T NO ANTIBIOTICS FOR COMPUTER VIRUSES

You no longer have to surf the Internet to pick up some nasty computer viruses. That because some cool gadgets like iPods, GPS systems and digital picture frames are coming pre-loaded with viruses that can hop into your computer when you plug them into your PC. They’ve tracked those viruses to the Chinese factories where the devices are made. Apparently what happens is that a Chinese worker who doesn’t know any better, plugs the device into one of their computers to test it. Well, those computers at the Chinese factories don’t have firewalls to keep out the viruses, so they jump into the gadget without anyone knowing it and, ultimately, into your computer. The good news is that if your computer has solid anti-virus software and if you keep it up to date, you’ll probably be safe.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR MIGHT BE A LEPRECHAUN

  • Plays in the same rec basketball league as Mini-Me

  • Needs a step-ladder to reach the mailbox

  • Always wearing that stupid “Sham Rock Cafe” t-shirt

  • Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard

  • Thinks everyone is always after his Lucky Charms

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

COUPLE FINED $3,400 FOR PINK FLAMINGOS


Plastic pink flamingoes may cost a pretty penny to persistent people.

Ellen and Doug Henry live in Lawrenceville, Georgia. They live in a neighborhood that has LOTS of rules as to how you are allowed to decorate your house. They’re now trying to sell their house… and have discovered that the homeowners association has put a lien on their house! Why? Because they had a couple of pink flamingos in their yard! It turns out the association has been fining the Henry’s $25 A DAY for keeping two of the plastic pink flamingos in their front yard. . . and the fine is now up to $3,400! The association says it’s willing to call the whole thing off for $374, but Ellen Henry says they won’t pay more than $100. If the couple does not pay the fine, the association’s lawyer says the group can legally take their $3,400 from the money the Henry’s make on their house.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Here’s a story more as a reminder to me than possibly for you – but then, maybe it does apply to you. People who put away sodas and energy drinks on a regular basics are more likely to get inadequate sleep, researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, concluded in a survey of 18,000 adults. In their paper published in the journal Sleep Health, they noted that participants who usually slept about five hours a night, which is considered “short sleep,” drank 21 percent more caffeinated, sugary beverages than survey respondents who get seven to eight hours of shut-eye. Why is short sleep so bad for you? Previous studies have linked it with higher blood pressure and increased levels of stress and inflammation in the body, and recent research at the University of Illinois at Chicago also suggests that chronic abbreviated sleep can result in poorer kidney function. Although the UCSF researchers noted an association between sugary beverage consumption and short sleep, the research team isn’t sure which causes which. They suspect that there’s a cyclical effect, however dinking sugary beverages makes sleep more difficult, creating a need for more energy drinks to get through the following day and more trouble sleeping at night. (Oxygen)

It may seem superficial, but buyers of used automobiles do care just as much about the car’s color as its condition. So if you’re buying a new car now with the idea of selling it in five years, buy a silver-colored car. That’s the word from Kelley Blue Book, which says that color plays a role in the residual value of your car. That means that a popular color will increase the value of your car, while an unpopular color could decrease it by hundreds to thousands of dollars, depending on the vehicle. The best car colors for resale value were silver, white, black and gray. The worst for resale value were bright yellow, orange, and purple.

I don’t have to tell you that hitting the gym has a ton of great benefits, making you healthier inside and out. But now you can add another perk to your list: A bigger brain. Researchers found that a good workout not only expands your muscles but it can also expand your mind, both literally and figuratively. Researchers from the University of California-Los Angeles found a link between people who exercised regularly and the size of their brains as they aged. Specifically, they found that the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for emotion and memory, was bigger and more active in exercisers. They also discovered that the fit folks were less likely to suffer from memory loss or Alzheimer’s disease as they aged. So what exactly does this mean for you? When it comes to protecting and enhancing your brain, it’s never too late to start sweating. (Fitness)

The Star of David is the best-known symbol of Jewish identity and of patriotism for the state of Israel. So it may come as a surprise that a six-pointed star hangs around the neck of Sgt. Yossef Saluta, a Muslim Arab. The 20-year-old poses proudly wearing the necklace and his Israeli army uniform, a rifle slung over his shoulder. He is among a tiny but growing number of Arab Israelis to defy tradition — and often their communities — to serve in the Israeli military.

http://nbcnews.to/2mrdNAc

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Even as a kid, I knew someday I’d be in a profession where I could help people. Either that or a Viking ’cause man, you gotta admit, those helmets with horns are pretty cool. –Daniel Avrin

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast —How many films on this topic have already been made? It doesn’t matter because each one will earn a gazillion dollars anyway. This time around, Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) has the role of the Beast who waits in his enchanted castle for a beautiful girl to love him. Enter Emma Watson as “Belle,“ and the castle includes talking cups, saucers, teapot, etc. These characters are played by Luke Evans, Ewan McGregor (oh, he is Gaston), Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts and Stanley Tucci. Get ready to have everyone in your family singing familiar songs. “Beauty and the Beast” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Free Fire—This action film is set in Boston in 1978 when two gangs meet in a deserted warehouse and decide to settle things once and for all. The tag line for the film is “All Guns, No Control.” The cast includes Enzo Cilenti, Sam Reilly, Brie Larson, Armie Hammer and Sharlto Copley. “Free Fire” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, this film is set in Columbia and concerns locking 80 American executives in a high-rise where a mysterious voice (aren’t they always??) tells them what to do to, and if you don’t, you die. Stars include Tony Goldwyn, Michael Rooker and John C. McGinley. “Belko Experiment” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 24, 2017…

Power Rangers is a remake of the TV series and the kids are back in action.

Chips concerns the two motorcycle policeman from the TV series. Stars Dax Shepard.

Wilson has Woody Harrelson as a man who has yet to met his teenage daughter.

Life is a science fiction movie concerning astronauts on a space station. Stars Ryan Reynolds.

Their Finest Hours centers on making a British propaganda film during WWII. Stars Gemma Atherton.

Tommy’s Honour concerns the early game of golf in 19th century Scotland. Stars Sam Neill.

Car Dogs is a term for low down used car salesmen. The best film about this is “Used Cars” with Kurt Russell. The cast of “Car Dogs” includes George Lopez.

Last Fall is set in Liberia during a civil war there. Stars Javier Bardem.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.