March 19, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180319
PDF: 20180319

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! I hate to complain, but this is the worst chunk of coffee I’ve ever tasted.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I have opinions own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.” – George W. Bush

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? –Matthew 6:25-26

It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth… Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved. — Acts 4:10-12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And they sang a new song: “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. — Revelation 5:9

Thought: Worthy! What a beautiful word! For those of us who are disciples of Jesus, we know of only one who is truly worthy. He is worthy to open the scroll and reveal the future. He is worthy of praise and adoration. Why? Because even though he was holy, perfect and heavenly, his death on the cross to purchase our pardon, forgiveness, and salvation made him worthy. And he did it not just for us, but also for people of all races and languages and cultures. Jesus, you are worthy!

Prayer: Holy Lamb of God, you are worthy! You are worthy of my adoration and love. You are worthy of my worship and my devotion. And Holy Father, I thank you for your plan to send him to save me. Because of your grace in Jesus, I want to live my life in devotion to you and your will. Please forgive me for the times I’ve gotten side tracked. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to return to you. In the name of Jesus, your holy Lamb slain for my sins, I offer my love and thanks. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Habakkuk 3:19 NIV = The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 19, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
280 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

<If you are a Christian radio station.> CONSIDER CHRISTIANITY WEEK. ***Hey, you’re listening to this station, so it must’ve crossed your mind at least a couple of times!

Today is POULTRY DAY. ***If you don’t have any poultry around, try some other kind of meat. Everything tastes like chicken anyway, right?

AVON REPRESENTATIVE DAY. ***I mention that only because if this whole radio thing doesn’t work out, selling Avon door-to-door is my back-up plan. I think I’d be pretty good at selling perfume and make-up door to door. As big as I am, most people don’t question me much about anything. I’ll just knock on the door and say , “Here, take this… you owe me $30.” They might give me the money just to get me off of their porch.

ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE KID DAY. The idea is to encourage a child today. ***And that’s one reason I’m not a parent. I’d be encouraging the children, but it would be to throw spit wads, blow straw wrappers across the room, make various bodily noises…

  • PHONER: Call in and tell us how incredible your kid is – and why! Did they win a special award? Are they really talented in one particular area? Are they the “best” at something? Today’s the day to brag all over your absolutely incredible kid!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Client’s Day
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day
National Chocolate Caramel Day
National Poultry Day
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Bed-in For Peace Day
Great American Meat Out Day
International Astrology Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Agriculture Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox)
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People
World Sparrow Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day
Gallo Wine Day
International Colour Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Kick Butts Day
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Healthy Fats Day
National Renewable Energy Day
Poetry Day
Twitter Day
WE Day (Note: This has various dates based on city.  Check their website.)
National Single Parent Day
World Down Syndrome Day
World Poetry Day
World Puppetry Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Data Innovation Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)
World Day of Metta

FRIDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 24

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour
Endometriosis March Day
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Violations and for Dignity of Victims
World Tuberculosis Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 25

International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of The Unborn Child
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

MONDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Live Long And Prosper Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Purple Day
Spinach Day

ON THIS DAY

721 BC: The first solar eclipse ever recorded was observed by the Babylonians, according to Ptolemy.

1931: Alka-Seltzer went on sale for the first time. (audio clip)

1953: The Academy Awards ceremony was televised for the first time with proceedings in Hollywood and New York. “The Greatest Show on Earth,” was named best picture of 1952; John Ford won as best director for “The Quiet Man”; Gary Cooper won best actor for “High Noon” while Shirley Booth received best actress for “Come Back, Little Sheba.”

1957: Elvis Presley bought his Graceland estate in Memphis.

1974: Jefferson Airplane became Jefferson Starship.

1985: A preschool PTA in Duncanville, Texas, raised $650 by auctioning off two vasectomies donated by a local urologist.

1985: After ten years, the TV comedy series “Alice” ended when Mel Sharples sold his diner. Linda Lavin played Alice, Philip McKeon was her son Tommy. Vic Tayback was Mel, Polly Holliday was Florence Jean Castleberry, and Beth Holand played Vera. (audio clip)

1985: IBM announced it was giving up on the PC-junior after only 240-thousand of the home computers were sold in 16 months.

1988: Michael Jackson bought a ranch near Santa Ynez, California, and built his own personal zoo and amusement park. He named it Neverland.

1991: The Sund, Norway, Town Council banned bad moods. The resolution required all 5,000 Sundians to be happy, think positive, and refrain from whining. Exemptions included the broken-hearted and people having car trouble.

1995: A 34-year-old London man was sentenced to a year in jail for dividing up he and his wife’s property in a divorce settlement. He did it with a chainsaw. He divided up the furniture and the front porch.

1996: A man in England was jailed for nine years for holding up a post office with a cucumber wrapped in a plastic bag.

2002: Nine-year-old Danny Denault of New Milford, Connecticut, won Odor Eaters annual Rotten Sneaker Contest and a $500 savings bond in Montpelier, Vermont. Danny credited the cow pies at his baby sitter’s dairy farm. He said, “They’re hard to avoid. They’re everywhere.”

2003: U.S. forces bombarded Baghdad with cruise missiles and precision-guided bombs, starting the Iraq War.

2004: The U.S. Army dropped all charges against Captain James Yee, a military chaplain at Cuba’s Guantanamo Bay, who had been accused of mishandling classified information.

2006: A lamb with six legs – four in front and two at the back – was born on a farm in Belgium.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1229: Having negotiated a treaty with Muslims for Christian access to Jerusalem, Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II (a reluctant participant in the sixth crusade) enters the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and crowns himself king. But his peace treaty was denounced by members of both faiths, and the same day the Catholic patriarch of Jerusalem pronounced an interdict on the city. Frederick was later excommunicated for making peace instead of war.

1263: Death of Hugh of St. Clair. He created the first Bible concordance and divided scripture into chapters. Hugh was the first Dominican raised to the status of a cardinal.

1684: Jean Astruc, the founder of modern Pentateuchal criticism, is born in France. In 1753 he published an anonymous treatise positing that Moses used two earlier documents—called “Yahweh” and “Elohim” to designate which name for God was used in each—when he wrote the Pentateuch. The theory, which was first met with ridicule, was later expanded by J.G. Eichhorn.

1813: Missionary-explorer David Livingstone is born in Blantyre, Scotland. Though he made only one African convert (who later backslid), he became Britain’s missionary hero of the day and always considered himself a missionary more than an explorer.

1860: William Jennings Bryan, the best-known fundamentalist in America from the Civil War to the Great Depression, is born in Salem, Illinois. A three-time presidential candidate, he was Wilson’s secretary of state and the prosecuting attorney in the famous Scopes Trial in Tennessee.

1928: Roman Catholic theologian Hans Kung is born in Germany. Appointed the official theologian of the Vatican II Ecumenical Council, he was later denied permission to teach as a Catholic theologian when his views began to challenge many traditional doctrines.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Stevie on “Malcolm in the Middle”) Craig Lamar Traylor 29 (

    )

  • actor (Die Hard, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense, Pulp Fiction, “Moonlighting”) Bruce Willis is 63 (

    )

  • actress (Fatal Attraction, Air Force One, 101 Dalmations, Captain Monica Rawling on “The Shield”) Glenn Close 71

  • actress (“Falcon Crest,” Clash of the Titans, Dr. No) Ursula Andress 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Patricia Morison

1930 : Ornette Coleman

1930 : Bill Henderson

1937 : Clarence “Frogman” Henry

1942 : Robin Luke

1946 : Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters)

1946 : Paul Atkinson (The Zombies)

1955 : Derek Longmuir (The Bay City Rollers)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Do snakes like music?

Snakes do seem to respond to musical vibrations, and some will actually come out to see what’s happening when the music starts playing. But just because they seem to be interested doesn’t mean that they like what they ‘hear’ (or more likely feel since snakes are actually deaf). Many snake owners have reported the fact that some snakes react badly to loud or bass music. If your snake seems to be bothered when you play music, you don’t have to turn your CD, Radio, TV, or whatever off, or even down. One herper -that is someone who is interested in reptiles or amphibians- found it calmed her snakes when music was playing if she put her snakes’ enclosures on computer mouse pads. These absorbed some of the offending vibrations. Or at least that’s what she thinks, since her snakes stopped ‘complaining’.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Bill Gates met with President Trump at the White House Thursday. ***While there, Bill was kind enough to update the President’s Windows Vista system.

Perez Hilton confirmed that Anderson Cooper has split from his longtime partner, Ben Maisani. ***Just the opening Kathy Griffin has been praying for!

A foot fetishist who caresses women’s feet in the UK has struck again. His latest victim, a woman in her thirties who was getting into her car, said the man complimented her on her beautiful legs, then pulled her shoe off and tried to run his lips along her foot. She was finally able to close her car door and drive away.  ***That’s dangerous.  She could’ve been a lead-foot which would given him lead-poisoning!

The reboots continue. Now, CBS is going to bring back a new version of “Cagney and Lacey.” ***So yeah… Hollywood is officially completely out of ideas.  If they try to bring back “The Beverly Hillbillies” or “Green Acres” I’ll start wondering if I somehow died and ended up in the seventh circle of Hell.

Taco Bell has sold 53 million orders of its nacho fries. ***In totally unrelated news, the U.S. is reporting 53-million more heart attacks this year than any previous year.

Matt Damon is moving his family to Australia – in part because he’s fed up with President Trump. ***Well, that’s what he says.  Personally, I think he’s trying to avoid the negative press he’s been getting over being pals with Harvey Weinstein.

When it comes to stuffed animals, men are real softies. A new study found that 84% of men still have at least one stuffed animal. That’s compared to 77% of women. ***Well yeah – but we’re talking teddy bears.  Which are bears.  And bears are dangerous.  So it’s still manly.  So shut up.

They’re saying the northeast could start spring next week with yet another snowstorm.  ***Yay, global warming!

Nearly 2,000 special menorahs given out during the Golden State Warriors’ Jewish Heritage Night last December have been recalled. According to press releases, the glue that holds the menorah together can melt if exposed to heat.  ***You’d think if someone was crafting something that is meant to hold burning candles, that they might consider heat to be a factor… but… no.

Reggie Jackson is set to have knee surgery after taking a fall.  ***Although at his age, Mr. October will probably only come back to play T-ball.

Speaking of baseball… they’re experimenting with some rule changes in minor league baseball, to try and keep the games moving. Like a 15-second pitch clock when there are no runners on base. And when a game goes extra innings, each inning will start with a runner on second base. ***Wait… what?  Each extra inning would start with a runner on second base?  Isn’t that like giving someone an A- when they only did the work for a B+?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A survey reveals that more than a third of us assault our computers, in one way or another, because the machines frustrate us.  ***I think it begins when we disrespect our computer by calling it “Mac” (Mack).

A food pyramid just for the under-2 set? Contrary to popular belief, children don’t usually outgrow their baby fat – and a recent report urges steps to help prevent babies, toddlers and preschoolers from getting too pudgy too soon.  That’s a growing problem: Already, one in five preschoolers – 2- to 5-year-olds – is overweight or obese.  Topping the list of proposed changes: better guidelines to help parents and caregivers know just how much toddlers should eat as they move from baby food to bigger-kid fare. And making sure preschoolers get at least 15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  ***15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  Can we move that up to the adult life too?  How about if we work an eight hour day, we get two hours of recess?

Researchers say guppies are able to reproduce after they die. ***Big deal. Tupac has released 17 CD’s since he died.

You’re sitting in a freshly dry walled house, drinking coffee from a plastic foam cup and talking on a cellphone. Which of these is most likely to be a cancer risk?  It might be the sitting, especially if you do that a lot.  Despite all the recent news about possible cancer risks from cellphones, coffee, styrene, and formaldehyde in building materials, most of us probably face little if any danger from these things with ordinary use, health experts say. Inactivity and obesity may pose a greater cancer risk than chemicals for some people.  ***This is an important less folks.  If you’re going to be near drywall, drinking coffee in a Styrofoam cup while talking on a cellphone, be sure to stand up while doing so.

A recent study shows one in four high school students drink soda every day – a sign fewer teens are downing the sugary drinks.  The study also found teens drink water, milk and fruit juices most often – a pleasant surprise, because researchers weren’t certain that was the case.  “We were very pleased to see that,” said the study’s lead author, Nancy Bener of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  Still, a quarter have at least one soda each day. And when other sugary drinks like Gatorade are also counted, the figure is closer to two-thirds of high school students drinking a sweetened beverage every day. ***The remaining one-third of teens who don’t drink sweetened beverages each day typically can’t do so because they’re dweebs and stuck inside a locker.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, “As the Jungle Turns!”

CLOSE: So what’s so wrong about playing with the new kid? Nothing, I think… but then, I don’t think like Marvy Snuffleson. Which is a good thing – otherwise I’d end up being sent to my room, which I’m pretty sure is going to happen to Marvy! Tune in next time to find out… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Even firefighters burn things they shouldn’t… sometimes.

Albany, New York, firefighters were tearing apart a minivan as part of a training exercise when someone noticed the personal items inside. That’s when they realized they had trashed the wrong vehicle. Officials say the firefighters routinely practice accident scene rescue techniques by tearing open donated junked cars. This time, they were supposed to practice on an older vehicle located on another part of junk yard. Instead, they used the Jaws of Life to tear open a three-year-old minivan that was at the business to undergo repairs. The owner of the junk yard admitted its role in the mistake and is splitting the cost of the van with the fire department.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN STATEMENTS FROM THE 1950s

  • “I’ll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.”
  • “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”
  • “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”
  • “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”
  • “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”
  • “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
  • “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
  • “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
  • “Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket.”
  • “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying that curse word in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a curse word in it.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man forges a check to get out of a legal situation! That story and others coming up in the files of Law & Disorder!

  • FILE #1: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay nine thousand dollars in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check — a forged check. He got 10 years!

  • FILE #2: Thieves have stolen a field of corn from a Belgian farmer. Max Sneers discovered the theft when he went to harvest the crop. Police believe it would have taken two hours to reap 20 tons of corn from the 2.5 acre field. Mr. Sneers talked to neighbors and asked if they had heard anything that night. They had but nobody asked any questions because you can harvest until 3am if the corn isn’t wet. Police eventually found the stolen crop which had already been sold.

  • FILE #3: Detroit police arrested five suspects in connection with the robbery of a McDonald’s restaurant in June, shortly after they made their alleged getaway; they appeared to have rehearsed the robbery, but inside the car, one of the men discarded his bandana by tossing it out the window, where it inadvertently snagged on the radio antenna and acted as an identifying flag for police chasing the car.

  • STRANGE LAW: In Hawaii it is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

When authorities warned Paul Schwarztrauber Jr. not to drink and drive, it may not have been entirely clear to him that the prohibition also applied to lawnmowers.

The 46-year-old was pulled over in Fairview Heights, Illinois, and charged with riding his lawnmower on a public street while intoxicated and with a revoked license. Police said Schwarztrauber, who had two previous DUI convictions, had his 1-year-old daughter on his lap. He refused to stop and shouted obscenities when a patrol car arrived responding to complaint about a man driving a lawnmower erratically in the street. Eventually, one of the officers walked up to the mower and turned off the ignition.

PHONER PHUN

It’s Absolutely Incredible Kid Day! So call in today and brag about your kid! Did they win a special award? Are they really talented in one particular area? Are they the “best” at something? Today’s the day to brag all over your absolutely incredible kid!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said; “As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul…”

ANSWER: Job (Job 27:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the first color mentioned in the Bible?
ANSWER: Green (Genesis 1:30)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  • On the cartoon show ‘The Jetsons,’ Jane the mom is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. (TRUE: that means that the mom had her first child at age 18!)

  • A moment is an actual unit of time. (TRUE: it’s defined as lasting exactly 1 1/2 minutes)

  • The worst time to reach the IRS is on a Monday. (TRUE: around 1pm on Monday is the absolute worst time to try to get hold of them)

  • When a person sneezes, their heart stops for one and a half seconds (FALSE)

  • Drinking from a water hose can eventually cause brain damage (FALSE)

  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. (TRUE)

  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (TRUE)

  • There are 157 ways to make change for a dollar. (FALSE: there are 293 ways!)

  • The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing. (TRUE)

  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. (TRUE)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

5,000 YEAR OLD _________ (EYEBALL)

Archaeologists discovered the world’s first prosthetic eye, which was worn by an ancient Persian priestess.

The female soothsayer stood 6′  tall, and the mesmerizing effects of the golden eyeball would have convinced those who saw it that she could see into the future.

“It must have glittered spectacularly, conferring on the woman a mysterious and supernatural gaze,” said leader of the Italian team Lorenzo Costantini, adding,  ”she must have been a very striking and exotic figure.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!”
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. “That’s amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I’m the casting director for 101 Dalmatians.”

JOKE #2

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world!”

JOKE #3

Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was.

He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. “It’s time for you to go,” he answered triumphantly.

USELESS FACTS

The Dallas Library had so many complaints about homeless people living there, they passed a new rule and will eject people who stink.  ***The backup plan is to install a shower in their bookmobile.

In Alaska’s Matanuska Valley, the long hours of sunlight are used, by some farmers, to grow giant vegetables. One such farmer grew a 100-pound cabbage.  ***Are there even enough people in Alaska to eat that much coleslaw?

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PARTNER

This fellow’s wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, “Now watch me, and do the same thing.” A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it. The husband looks at this, and says, “OK, now you know how to play, let’s go home.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD
“They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t come up with a cure for the common cold”, goes the old saying. A German businessman now says he’s come up with a cold cure.

…Alexander Loschke says you can stop your coughing, aching, sneezing, achy head feelings by sticking copper wire up each nostril! He said he found the healing capacities of copper while growing tomatoes. He placed copper rings on his tomato canes to help the plants grow while other gardeners found theirs were rotting. Loschke then tried it on himself the next time he got a cold and says he was better within 36 hours. He consulted experts on the common cold and found that the copper rings help get more air into the nostrils and combat microorganisms. Loschke is now selling the copper rings for about ten dollars to anyone who’ll buy them.  ***If copper is the solution, couldn’t you just stick a couple of pennies up your nostrils?

  • PHONER: Any home-remedies for the common cold that you can recommend?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOW TO BE UNHAPPY

  • Make little things bother you. Don’t just let them, MAKE them.
  • Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don’t put first things first.
  • Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.
  • Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.
  • Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.
  • Don’t trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and weakest.
  • Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.
  • Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant misery.
  • Take personally everything that happens to you.
  • Don’t whole-heartedly give yourself to the Lord!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BUTTERFLY MAN

Dave Branon

Read: Galatians 5:13-26

Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. – Galatians 5:16

The Internet is one of the most remarkable developments of our time. How astounding that with a few keystrokes you can find out the address of Uncle Frank in Schenectady, New York, or the recipe for a Brazilian fish dish, or the statistics for your favorite athlete.

Of course, the Internet opens up a whole world of sinful choices as well. That’s why many Internet providers offer a service to protect a family’s computer from sites that promote immorality. One company used a comical-looking man dressed as a butterfly to represent the service, and in an advertisement showed him shielding children from various immoral activities.

Christians already have a similar resource, and it doesn’t cost us a monthly fee. It’s not the butterfly man—it’s the Holy Spirit, who lives in the heart of each believer. As we seek guidance from God’s Word and pray, He will enable us to detect and filter out the immoral. He can help us to keep from going where we shouldn’t go, doing what we shouldn’t do, and saying what we shouldn’t say.

The world, like the Internet, has much we need to avoid. As we daily seek to “walk in the Spirit,” relying on His wisdom and power, we can stay clean.

The Spirit gives us power to live
A life that’s pleasing to the Lord;
He also guides us and provides
Direction in God’s holy Word. —Sper

The Holy Spirit is our ever-present protector.

LEFTOVERS

VERY DARK MEAT

Sometimes it’s best to just give up on a recipe when you try numerous times, fail numerous times, and almost burn your house down.

Lorraine Parker just wanted to make a great chicken dinner for her New Year’s guests. A week earlier, for Christmas, she didn’t cook the chicken enough so this time she wanted to make sure that it was cooked well. And it was.  It set her oven on fire right before her New Year’s party. Lorraine had to call the fire department to put out the flames after her second roasting effort went wrong. On Christmas Day she had to borrow some of a neighbor’s chicken because her own was so undercooked it bled, and now her new chicken was overcooked – and so was her kitchen.  ***MARLAR: Next year I’d recommend she try Colonel Sanders.

LIFE… LIVE IT

ARE YOU DRIVING YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY?

Married ladies, do you get on your husband’s nerves? Take this simple test and find out!  Take note of each question you answer YES to – we’ll add them up at the end.

  • Have you told your husband that you wished he made more money?

  • Do you frequently remind your husband to pick up after himself?

  • Do you dislike your husband’s family or close friends and tell him about it?

  • Do you frequently criticize your husband for his bad habits?

  • Do you contradict your husband in front of the children or your friends?

  • When you and your husband are with others, do you ever “joke” about him being less than romantic?

  • Do you tell your husband that he rarely lifts a hand to help you?

  • Have you told your husband that you wish he could be more like your father or some other man you admire?

  • Do you frequently remind your husband not to eat certain foods or to not touch food items in the refrigerator?

  • If you know something is bothering your husband, do you force him to talk?

To find out whether you irritate your husband, add your “yes” answers, then check your total against the scoring key below.

  • 0-3 You’re an easy woman to live with and probably don’t irritate your man.

  • 4-6 You tend to irritate your mate, but you can improve simply by taking a close look at the questions you answered with a “yes,” then changing those things.

  • 7-10 You are a nag! You definitely irritate your husband. Even if you feel that he is the one annoying you, it’s time to take a look at your own part in the unpleasantness. You will eventually drive your man away!

JUST FOR FUN

WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?

A charity giving free car washes for donations is in a lot of trouble… because of their sign!

Have you ever stopped into a local parking lot where some high school, church, or charitable organization is washing cars for donations? Sure… we all have. But that’s because we don’t live in Brisbane Australia.  Recently in Brisbane, a group was doing the very same thing… trying to raise money to help with humanitarian assistance in China. Only one problem… the group had a sign in the parking lot advertising the free car washes. That violated a city sign ordinance and the police slapped the group with a $350 fine… and then the local government seized all of the money the group had made… leaving them only $100 for the entire day’s work.

FUN LIST

CHILDREN’S BOOKS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

  • You Are Different and That’s Bad

  • The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

  • Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

  • The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

  • Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

  • The Little Sissy Who Snitched

  • Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

  • Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

  • Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

What’s the most stressful day of the week?  Monday?  Apparently not.

No matter where you work or what you do, chances are you will feel the most stressed on Tuesdays. And if you want to be even more specific, the stress will peak at 11:45am. That’s the word from researchers at Clasado Ltd., the U.K. company that makes the health supplement Bimuno. Conventional wisdom maintains that Monday is the most stress-filled day. But most workers coast through Monday, spending the day getting their brain in gear and catching up with gossip from the weekend through social networking sites. 53% of those polled admitted they don’t do much work on Monday, and 10% said they spend a lot of this work day on Facebook and Twitter.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A recent study has revealed that kids who read the Bible growing up are more likely to continue in the faith as adults. The study, called “Nothing Less: Engaging Kids in a Lifetime of Faith,” was conducted by LifeWay Research. It found that the biggest factor in predicting whether or not a child would continue in the faith as an adult after being raised in a Christian home was based on whether or not the child read the Bible regularly growing up.
http://dlvr.it/PwP4Fq

They may not be able to walk or talk, but 6-month-old babies can spot a bad guy a mile away. A series of psychological experiments by Yale University researchers proved that tiny infants have strong ethics. One study featured babies aged 6 months to 1 year watching a puppet show that starred a colorful wooden shape that tires to climb a hill. Another character comes along and helps the shape climb up before a second toy appears and pushes it down. After watching the action several times, the children were offered the helpful and unhelpful toys. “We found that the infants overwhelmingly preferred the helpful individual to the hindering one,” says Professor Paul Bloom. “this wasn’t a subtle statistical trend. Nearly all the babies reached for the good guy.” Babies exposed to other plays with similar themes were also on the side of the nice character who lent a hand.

If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and go into work a bit grouchy, your boss should be happy. It turns out that grumpy employees are the most creative problem-solvers, according to researchers from the Jesse H. Jones Graduate School of Management at Rice University in Houston. They say all those happy, cheerful employees that make the office an inviting and enjoyable place to work are so busy smiling they often don’t see problems until there is a crisis. So why is a bad mood so productive? When someone is in a negative mood, he or she is usually quite motivated to get out of it. Solving a problem often does the trick.

According to a study from Brookhaven National Laboratory in Upton, NY, women have a far more difficult time than men resisting their favorite foods, so they are more likely than men to gain weight. The finding came when lead study author Gene-Jack Wang and his team tried to figure out why some people overeat and others do not. What surprised them is the difference between the sexes in brain response to controlling food intake, a discovery that could explain why the obesity rate is higher for women and girls than it is for men and boys.

Letting Rover slobber all over you may seem unwise (you know what he licks). but “although your pet’s mouth contains loads of bacteria, his lick is essentially harmless as long as you are both healthy,” says Jan Bellows, D.V.M., president of the American Veterinary Dental College. Keep your dog’s tongue away from open cuts, and avoid the love if his breath stinks it can be a sign of gum disease, and the bacteria can transfer to you. ***Question… when does a dog’s breath ever NOT stink?

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

An Olathe, Kansas, police sergeant went above and beyond for a resident who needed help repairing her roof. Authorities said the woman, who is older, called police on Sunday, telling them that she had a hole in her roof and was worried about the ice storms. She told them she had no one else who could help her. Police said that when officers couldn’t find anyone to repair it, Sgt. Brian Wessling stepped up. Authorities said he went home, grabbed his tools and some shingles and repaired the woman’s roof.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/olathe-police-officer-repairs-womans-roof-before-ice-storm-hit/ar-BBJtbAk

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The Alpha Chi Omega sorority is being kicked off the campus of Lehigh University until May of 2020 for a “reprehensible” sorority scavenger hunt that “involved the use of drugs and alcohol, sexual activity, and other activities that violate University policy.” In a blog post, the university says the dubious acts involved in December’s “Road Rally” scavenger hunt may not have been “required for affiliation into the organization, but are clearly considered a rite of passage and a consistent part of membership.” Alpha Chi Omega will be ordered to vacate its sorority house and the university says that by the time the sorority can resume operations on campus, all the current members will have graduated, breaking a link with the tradition. “This incident was a significant, reprehensible event that the entire chapter was aware of and leadership endorsed,” says the university blog post, which accuses sorority leadership of creating “a situation that occurred on and off campus involving morally questionable quests.” Alpha Chi Omega, which cooperated with the investigation by turning over scavenger hunt lists, will be allowed to appeal the decision. (Morning Call)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I bet with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct tape, you actually could lead a horse to water AND make him drink. –Andy Overman

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 16, 2018…

Tomb Raider-–Angelina Jolie was the first Lara Croft and I still have the soundtrack from that film. Jolie has gone on to further things in the film industry, including directing. In this reboot of the series, directed by Roar Uthaug, we again meet Lara )Alicia Vikander) , who is the daughter of a famous explorer, played by Dominic West. They search for antiquities and Dad’s company is vast, directed by Kristen Scott Thomas, with an array of gear and guns designed by Nick Fraser. In the film, Lara is searching for her father (aren’t they all?)  She doesn’t quite have the knack for defense but catches on quickly. A water escape is there, and Vikander did many of her own stunts. Reminiscent of “A Wrinkle In Time.“) Every adventure film has to have a villain, and here it is Walton Groggins. Lara gets into one entanglement after another with plenty of chases and escapes. The soundtrack this time around is done by Junkie XL. “Tomb Raider” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Love, Simon—The story line here concerns a teenage boy, Simon (Nick Robinson) who is gay and trying to come out. Unfortunately, someone is trying to blackmail Nick and he learns you must choose your friends with care. The film is adapted from the book “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda.” Also in the cast are Jennifer Garner as Simon’s Mom and Josh Duhamel as his father. “Love, Simon” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MARCH 23, 2018…

Midnight Sun was to have been released last year. It is a story of a young woman with a disease that makes it painful for her to be in the sun.

Sherlock Gnomes is an animated continuance of the gnomes stories and this time, there is a detective gnome trying to solve a case.

Leisure Seeker
 is finally opening and stars Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland as an aging couple on a road trip.

Pacific Rim 2 is a science fiction film about Earth battling alien invaders by building huge robots as fighting machines. Stars John Boyega.

Unsane is directed by Steven Soderbergh and a psychological thriller starring Claire Foy in a mental hospital.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.