March 20, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Well, here I am again, gang: fresh, dynamic, witty, totally unprepared… it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3

As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. — Colossians 3:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long. — Psalm 71:8

Thought: Our mouths can be filled with food, profanities, or gossip. Or… we can choose for our mouths to be filled with praise for God and his loving grace. We can talk about many things and speak to many different people about many different subjects. Or… we can choose to declare the greatness, majesty, and splendor of our heavenly Father all during our day. Why don’t we choose to praise God with our mouths and tell him of his greatness and let others know of his grace as we go about today’s activities?

Prayer: Holy and marvelous Father, you are God of all creation and also God of all grace. Thank you for your kindness shared with me in Jesus. Thank you for your powerful victory over death when you raised him from the dead. Thank you for your patience with me as I sometimes stumble, but am always desiring to more perfectly reflect the character of Jesus. Please help me, O Lord, to profess and to show my love and admiration for you all during this day. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Revelation 3:20 NIV = Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 20, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
279 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SWEATER DAY, in honor of the late Fred Rogers, whose birthday would’ve been today. Also known as WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR DAY. Same reason. (audio clip)

Today is the VERNAL EQUINOX. In other words, it’s the FIRST DAY OF SPRING (in the northern hemisphere, at least). So it’s the first day of NATIONAL SPRING FEVER WEEK.  ***Today is the first day of Spring! Don’t you wish you’d get Spring Break as an adult?  I wouldn’t do anything with it – just stay home and watch TV, but still.

SNOWMAN BURNING DAY. ***Assuming you can find one on this first day of Spring.

It’s NATIONAL WELLDERLY DAY, a day to celebrate and recognize senior citizens who never act their age.

Today is PROPOSAL DAY, a holiday for those seeking to marry. ***Go ahead, propose! Particularly if you’re Wellderly!

Today is ACT HAPPY DAY.  ***And why shouldn’t you?  It’s SPRING… and you might be getting a marriage proposal from a senior citizen!

This is NATIONAL BUBBLE WEEK, a time to have fun outdoors with children and bubbles.  ***It may be Spring, but apparently the people who created this holiday have never lived in northern Illinois.  It’s waaaaaay too cold to be outside playing with soap and water.

RAINBOW CONNECTION DAY. In 1996 a 21-year-old Muppet fan claiming to have a bomb took over a radio station in Wanganui, New Zealand, and demanded that “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog be played non-stop for 12 hours. Police evacuated the area, decided the bomb was a fake, stormed the station, and arrested the listener. No one was hurt. ***It could’ve been much worse… he could’ve requested “Rubber Ducky.” (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-in For Peace Day (Beatles – John and Yoko)
Great American Meat Out Day
International Day of Happiness
French Language Day
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) 6:29 am EDT
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day
World Storytelling Day
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MARCH 21

Afghanistan Day
National Agriculture Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Renewable Energy Day
National Single Parent Day
Poetry Day
Spring Fairy Fun Day
Twitter Day
World Down Syndrome Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)

THURSDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 24

International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
Red Nose Day
US Snow Shoe Days
World Tuberculosis Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 25

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour (Not to be confused with Earth Day. This pertains to turning off lights.)
Endometriosis March Day
International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

SUNDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Mothering Sunday
Purple Day: 26
Spinach Day

MONDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Mule Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

ON THIS DAY

1868: Outlaw Jesse James and his gang escaped with $14,000 from a bank in Russelville, Kentucky.

1961: Ricky Nelson recorded “Hello Mary Lou.”

1965: Motown arrived for its first British tour with Martha Reeves & the Vandellas, Stevie Wonder, The Supremes, and The Temptations.

1969: John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.

1984: Naomi and Wynonna Judd made their stage debut in Omaha, opening a concert for The Statler Brothers.

1986: Fallon Carrington and Jeff Colby were married wed on the primetime TV soap “The Colby’s,” a spin-off from “Dynasty.”

1987: A Houston man was fined $10-thousand and assessed ten years probation for stealing 76,680 rolls of toilet paper from the hospital where he worked.

1990: The Colorado legislature made it legal to tear the “Do Not Remove” tags off mattresses.

1990: Singer Gloria Estefan suffered a broken back when a speeding truck plowed into the back of her tour bus on a snowy Pennsylvania highway.

1991: Michael Jackson signed the biggest deal in recording history: a $1-billion contract with Sony.

1994: Joy riders stole a car in Amsterdam, then abandoned it apparently without noticing the suitcase filled with thousands of dollars in cash and diamonds in the back seat.

1996: A 21-year-old Muppet fan claiming to have a bomb took over a radio station in Wanganui, New Zealand, and demanded that “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog be played non-stop for 12 hours. Police evacuated the area, decided the bomb was a fake, stormed the station, and arrested the listener. No one was hurt.

1999: Dale Adams of Gunthorpe, England, introduced Tinky, a miniature stretched version of his mother, Cassey, a giant rottweiler. Tinky’s father, quite incredibly, was Rusty, a tiny dachshund. The owner said he had no idea how the two proud parents got together to produce the very unique cross-breed.

2002: Actress Pamela Anderson disclosed that she had hepatitis C.

2003: U.S. and British forces invaded Iraq from Kuwait.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1747: Severely ill with tuberculosis, Presbyterian missionary David Brainerd ends his work among the Native Americans of Delaware (see issue 77: Jonathan Edwards).

1799: William Cowper writes the pathetic poem “Castaway” believing God has rejected him. He dies still believing this. The hymn writer had suffered bouts of severe depression from the time of his cruel schooldays.

1852: Abolitionist Harriet Beecher Stowe, daughter of famous Congregational minister Lyman Beecher, publishes “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” (which had been serialized in an antislavery newspaper). The book sold one million copies and was so influential in arousing antislavery sentiment that Abraham Lincoln is reputed to have said upon meeting Stowe in 1863: “So you’re the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war!”

1859: Peter Robert Robson dies. He was sorely missed by his companion John Paton, fellow missionary to the New Hebrides.

1973: John Sanford, missionary pilot, crashes and dies in Rwanda.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Nikki Green on “Dawson’s Creek,” Kendra on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) Bianca Lawson 38 (audio clip)

  • model Kathy Ireland 54

  • actress Holly Hunter (Voice of Elastigirl in The Incredibles, Little Black Book, Thirteen, O’ Brother Where Art Thou, “Saving Grace”) 59

  • actor (Syriana, The Village, Dune, Lost in Space) William Hurt 67

  • actor (“Barney Miller”) Hal Linden 86 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1906 : Ozzie Nelson

1918 : Marian McPartland

1922 : Larry Elgart

1937 : Jerry Reed

1937 : Joe Rivers (Johnnie & Joe)

1940 : Vito Picone (The Elegants)

1942 : Robin Luke

1950 : Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer)

1951 : Jimmy Vaughan (Fabulous Thunderbirds)

1961 : Slim Jim Phantom (The Stray Cats)

1977 : Chester Bennington (Linkin Park)

1982 : Nick Wheeler (The All-American Rejects)

1986 : Lady GaGa, born Stefani Germanotta.

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did you know that a bride never really walks down the aisle at her wedding?

For many young women the walk down the aisle at their wedding is still one of life’s high points. But if they get married in a church, they really don’t walk down an aisle. The aisles are the lanes along the side. It’s the nave that takes them to Mr. Right.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mandisa says Matt Maher is finally back. She posted this week: With what his family has been through, he truly knows that God’s grace is enough! Although not much information has been shared, the situation caused Matt to miss the entire last week of the Hits Deep Tour. https://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/842529636567437312/video/1

Building 429’s Jesse Garcia says keeping up with their tour locations isn’t always easy. He posted this week: I’m in Maine..but thought I was in Connecticut. These type things happen from time to time.

We Are Messengers front man Darren Mullegan this week shared a picture of his favorite tour moment so far. It featured Darren holding up an elderly lady as she praised God during that nights show. Darren posted: What an honor it was to help this wonderful elderly lady lift her arms to bless the whole auditorium, so beautiful.

The band Gungor is out with a sobering lyric video of their new song “Who We Are.” According to New Release Today, the video contains clips of the heart-breaking plight of Syrian refugees and the worn-torn reality they are trying to escape. The husband and wife duo posted this statement to their Facebook along with the video: “Are we the kind of people who open our hearts to others in their suffering or the kind who get afraid and turn our hearts away? We think this is an important question for people to be asking themselves right now, so we wanted to share this song with you called ‘Who We Are.'” Check out the new video at http://nrt.cc/GungorWhoWeAre

Former Anthem Lights front man Alan Powell is trying something new. According to New Release Today, Powell left Anthem Lights in early 2016 to pursue another of his passions — acting. Now Powell is breaking new ground in his acting career by booking his first network television role and joining the cast of the new NBC drama “Redliners.” According to Deadline.com the show “mixes humor, romance and espionage” and “follows a pair of former operatives who get reactivated and drawn into a larger conspiracy while attempting to maintain their undercover lives.” Alan will play New York cop Wynn Rhymer. http://nrt.cc/AlanPowellNBC

Plumb is part of the You Version Bible App’s March Music Month. In her segment Plumb shares faith experiences and the biblical application behind seven songs from album EXHALE. https://twitter.com/YouVersion/status/842059155997351937

Good News and Bad News from Joel and Luke or the band For King and Country. The good news is that their movie Priceless is now available at Red Box movie rental sites across America! The bad news…the guys tried to find it at their own load Red Box and it was already sold out. https://twitter.com/4kingandcountry/status/842144602664669184/video/1

Aaron Shust is out with a new 7 part devotionals inspired by songs from his new album Love Made A Way. The devotionals are available for free on the bible.com web site. https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/3813-aaron-shust-love-made-a-way-the-overflow-devo7/

Yesterday’s conversation takeaway from Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard: If Love and Fear are opposites – and God IS Love – then who do you imagine fear is?

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says Spring is his favorite season. He posted: People in my area don’t like the Jekyll and Hyde weather we get this time of year, but I kind of like the struggle of Winter and Spring…Especially when you take into account that Spring will win every time. So Winter makes his threats and each threat loses the power of the one before it. You can almost feel Spring’s warmth inside each successive cold blast

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Climbing the corporate ladder could be setting your health up for a big fall, according to a recent survey. Researchers found when people are handed a promotion, they suffer 10% more mental strain. And they are 20% less likely to see their doctor due to more worries and less time to get away from the office. “Getting a promotion at work is not as great as many people think,” says study spearhead Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick in England. ***So when offered a promotion, next time I’ll politely turn it down and just ask for the raise in pay instead.

Kale is getting a makeover. To develop a new variety of kale tailored to American palates, a horticulture professor from Cornell University College of Agriculture and Life Science are soliciting consumers’ kale reflections — the good, the bad, and the ugly. The scientists at the college have been working with kale for years, so they decided to see if they could develop strains to meet farmers needs for heartiness and drought resistance while also providing a product that consumers will want to eat. ***Simple… make kale taste like chocolate.

MasterCard is experimenting with a payment feature in Brazil and Mexico that allows people to authenticate payments with a selfie. ***Just kill me now.

Patrick Stewart says he uses marijuana daily to help him with arthritis symptoms. Stewart says that two years ago, in LA, he was examined by a doctor and given a note which gave him legal permission to purchase, from a registered outlet, cannabis-based products, which he was advised might help the ortho-arthritis in both of his hands. ***When he needs a refill he just uses Cerebro to login to the Walgreens website.

The Trump administration’s budget proposals includes billions for his proposed southern border wall while cutting funding for programs like Meals on Wheels. ***Hey, how about you keep Meals on Wheels and just build the wall with leftover sandwiches?

A study says parenthood is linked to a longer life. ***Not in actual years, parenthood just makes life feel like it’s taking longer.

If you miss cuddling with your kitty during the day while at work, there’s now a solution: Kitten Fur perfume. New York-based fragrance company Demeter is now selling Kitten Fur, which it claims captures the olfactory essence of the warmth and comfort of that purrrfect spot, just behind a kitten’s neck. ***Wow – you smell so great tonight… oh, that reminds me, I need to clean out the kitty litter box!

Japan has opened restaurants called “Owl Cafes” where people can pet owls while they eat lunch. ***And if you pet it too hard and it dies, they’ll pluck it, fry it up, and serve it with a side of biscuit and gravy.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

When it comes to shopping for gifts, men are the worst. Men push the deadline, bargain less, and spend too much. Ten percent of guys plan to wrap up their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. ***And ten percent of THOSE men do it at a convenience store.

The military is developing drones with the ability to make lethal attack decisions without human input. ***If your name is Sarah or John Conner, you might want to consider a name change.

According to a new report, legal marijuana is the fastest-growing industry in the United States and if the trend toward legalization spreads to all 50 states, marijuana could become larger than the organic food industry. ***Which will be traded-in for Dr. Pepper and Funions.

Oreos are as addictive as cocaine, at least for lab rats, and just like us, they like the creamy center best. Researchers (at Connecticut College) found eating the sugary treats activates more neurons in the brain’s “pleasure center” than drugs such as cocaine. ***And if you think this story is balderdash, that you’re not addicted to Oreos and can stop eating them whenever you want… well, that’s the first sign you have a problem.

A new report states that by 2050 there will be more pieces of trash than fish in the world’s oceans. ***But then, Al Gore also predicated the end of the world by 2016, and that the ice caps would be melted by 2014… and we see how well those predictions turned out.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were so busy trying to get so many things done that they didn’t have time for anything else… meetings, planning, even talking to each other! They were getting annoyed with each other – and then, all at once, the animals shouted…

CLOSE: Do the turtles have a secret to staying calm, cool, and collected? Will they share the secret with the other animals? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Spend any time in a hospital and you’re bound to be shocked by the type of bill you can rack up…

… and Herman Wicker of Evansville, Indiana is upset at the amount of his hospital bill, too. He recently received a bill for one cent. That’s right… a penny. The retired car salesman went to the emergency room and was billed a penny. But Wicker still refuses to pay it. He says Medicare and private insurance covered his visit. And get this – a collection agency came after him saying that if he didn’t pay the penny, he would be in jeopardy of hurting his good credit rating! However, he still refuses to pay the bill.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CUBICLE SEEM LIKE A BEACH

10. If you put your waste basket over your head, you can hear the ocean.

9. Create a CD recording of your kids whining and put it on “repeat.”

8. Add a pound of salt to the water cooler

7. 8 foot palm tree made of paperclips

6. Cover the floor of your cube with sand.

5. Install three extra-large sun lamps.

4. Put your chair up on some boxes and blow a whistle really loudly while sitting on it.

3. Drink a Diet Coke while gazing at the picture you took of the one and only window in the building.

2. Cover the walls from ceiling to floor with yellow “Post It Notes” and bathe in their opulent golden glow.

1. Have your morning coffee in a coconut cup with one of those cute umbrellas.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A trail of Skittles candies gets today’s crooks caught red-handed in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: How desperate must you be for candy to break into a laundry shop? A trail of Skittles candy wrappers led police to three children whom they charged with breaking into a vending machine and robbing a coin-operated laundry. Police were called to Angel’s Coin Laundry Tuesday to investigate a smashed window, $10 in missing quarters and stolen candy from a vending machine. Officer Tom Wright noticed the empty candy bags and followed them to a nearby boy on his bike. The boy admitted that he broke into the store with his brother and a friend. (Not the greatest criminal masterminds here… not only does the boy readily admit that he did it, but he didn’t even have the common sense to ride his bike away from the scene of the crime!) The three boys, ages 9, 12 and 14, were taken to the Gainesville Juvenile Assessment Center. ***Finding the boys was easy… they just followed the Skittles rainbow.

FILE #2: A retired man in England recently received a visit from the man who mugged him two years ago. After being released from prison, the mugger made a beeline for Charles Wiseman’s home in Essex. Not to seek revenge, but to make amends. The 84-year-old was amazed when his attacker arrived to say he was sorry for the crime – and handed over a bag of stolen items including his wallet and driving license. The 22-year-old mugger, who said he was “trying to right his wrongs”, had been sent to prison for two years for the attack on Wiseman, who said he was “choked up” by the gesture.

FILE #3: Mark Valenti of St. Louis, Missouri made a bold attempt to score $9,000 worth of jewelry – by using his digestive system!  43-year-old Valenti asked a jewelry store clerk to see two diamond rings totaling 2.5 carats.  He put them on his little finger and told the clerk that he’d take ’em.  And he meant it literally. Mark started to walk out of the store without paying and before you know it store employees were chasing him as he swallowed the rings. Once in custody, police x-rayed the thief confirming the rings were in his digestive tract! Police are still waiting for them to pass.  Oh, and Mark, when they hand you a summons for your arrest, don’t eat it.  It won’t get you out of jail.

STRANGE LAW: In Montana, sheep placed in the cab of a truck must be accompanied by a chaperone.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

MySpace.com resulted in Jail.org for one Bensalem, Pennsylvania teenager.

While many teenagers use the MySpace website to boast about using drugs, this kid apparently really was using them. His ‘this is your brain on drugs’ moment came when he made the brilliant decision to pose for a photo with a gun and a bag of pot and post it on the website. Among those logging on was a local detective who thought it seemed real enough to launch an investigation. The teenager has since been charged with possession. ***MARLAR: Even more shocking… someone is still using MySpace.

PHONER PHUN

Today is PROPOSAL DAY. How did he/she propose? Anyone go over-the-top with his or her proposal? What did you do?

STRANGE NAMES: The genealogy Web site Ancestry.com, shared thousands of shocking names given to real people, as recorded by the U.S. Census Bureau. There were some funny names based around common themes, like diseases (Fever Bender, Cholera Peace), food (Bread White, Pomegranate Purple), pets (Good Dog), and if you thought Wednesday Addams was unfortunate — wait till you meet Monday Monday. What’s the strangest name that you’ve ever heard?

WEDDING NIGHTMARES & FOLLIES: Wedding nightmare stories – anyone have something funny, terrifying, or embarrassing happen at their wedding (or the wedding of a family or friend)?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What priest died and was buried at Mosera?
ANSWER: Aaron (Deuteronomy 10:6)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long does the average tastebud live?

ANSWER: Ten days

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans. (True – but they don’t do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.)

2. Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers. (False – they naturally have an EVEN number of whiskers)

3. Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will likely overwhelm the sender’s system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam. (True)

4. Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting. (True)

5. The Air Force’s F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how UFO’s fly. (False – they were studying how bumblebees fly)

6. In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation. (False)

7. Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water. (True)

8. The average human ear grows 0.01 inches in length every year. (True)

9. Calvin, of the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy. (True)

10. The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his “signature” on the keyboard. (False)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ DROPPING FROM ARKANSAS SKY (BLACKBIRDS)

ARKANSAS – Once again, hundreds of dead blackbirds are falling from the Arkansas sky – two years in a row.

The town of Beebe, Arkansas has seen this before, and citizens are wondering why this is happening to them again.  Well, it’s not just them this time.  Blackbirds are dropping all across Arkansas.

ABC Arkansas affiliate KATV reported that a radar image showed a large mass over Beebe a few hours before midnight on New Year’s Eve. Then the birds began falling from the sky, just like last year.  Similar reports came from across Arkansas.

Arkansas authorities contacted the  federal agencies, who once again turned the matter over to the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  Yesterday, Dr. Susan Begley, one of the heads of the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials flew to Little Rock to meet with Arkansas officials and to examine the birds.

“It’s definitely the work of the Gootans,” Begley said.   “We’d  like to think that it is just something they are doing for some ritualistic reason, but the truth is we think it is once again signaling citizens of earth that there will be a full-on ground attack sometime this year.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

JOKE #2

I was horrified to find my son eating out of the sugar bowl.

“Don’t let me catch you doing that again,” I scolded.

My boy was willing but dubious.  “I’ll try, Mommy,” he told me, “but you’re so quiet sometimes.”

JOKE #3

As Jan stood in the pharmacy line waiting to turn in a prescription, her squirming three-year old daughter, Kate, said, “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Honey, I can’t take you right now because I’m in line, so just wait a minute,” Jan said.

Her eight-year old son, Michael volunteered to take his sister to the bathroom, and off the two siblings went.

When they returned Jan asked Michael, “Which bathroom did you use?”

“The men’s because if was closer than the ladies,” he replied. “But don’t worry, Mom. Nobody knew she was a girl because I called her Brian  while we were in there.”

USELESS FACTS

Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks. That means one shark will go through more than 24,000 new teeth in a year.  ***And that the tooth fairy will be one tuckered out little sprite.

Internet auctioneer eBay has cancelled the sale of a purported piece of Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Cheops. If the piece truly is real, it would be illegal to sell, and the Antiquities Director of the Pyramids insists that is, indeed, a fake.  ***Yes, they put a stop to another pyramid scheme.

FEATURED FUNNIES

STAINED GLASS

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children’s message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.” And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THINKING OF GETTING MARRIED? YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK AGAIN!

Just about every wedding has something go wrong, but some of them are doozies. Every bride-to-be dreams that her wedding day will be the happiest day of her life, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. We found some real wedding disaster stories in the pages of the Weekly World News.

  • Best man Albert Muldoon stood on the wrong side of the groom and accidentally ended up married to the bride. The mix up took place at a church in Kileter, England, in the 1920’s, when the minister assumed Albert was the groom and addressed all questions to him. The real groom was so nervous, he couldn’t speak, so Albert answered for him, even saying “I do.”

  • A wedding held in Kingston, England in 1973 started off shakily when the minister became violently ill and had to be replaced at the last minute. Next, the bride was so overcome with emotion when the groom placed the ring on her finger, she fainted and she remained unconscious for 20 minutes. When she finally woke up, the ceremony was completed, but the couple didn’t have much of a wedding night… the hotel where they had planned to spend it burned to the ground.

  • The mother of the groom sparked a brawl in the aisle that ruined the 1993 wedding of Jason Adams and Andrea Sims at a church in Nottingham, England. When the minister asked the congregation whether anyone knew any impediment to the marriage, the groom’s mom piped up that the bride was a trollop and “Just not good enough for my son.” Police had to quell the ensuing fistfight.

  • The wedding reception of Susan Baird and her husband Stephen in 1995 became so rowdy that cops came to quiet down the revelers. But the guests clashed with police and a full fledged riot broke out. The bride and the groom were arrested and led off in handcuffs along with a dozen guests, and the newlyweds spent their wedding night in jail.

PHONER: Wedding nightmare stories – anyone have something funny, terrifying, or embarrassing happen at their wedding (or the wedding of a family or friend)?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FORGIVING THE UNFORGIVABLE

I knew I couldn’t ask God to love me if I was unwilling to love His children. But what if they were trying to kill me? —By Immaculée Ilibagiza

The Rwandan genocide is one of history’s most horrific events. In 1994, nearly one million Rwandans were slaughtered over the course of a few months, mainly by militant Hutu groups (tensions between the Hutu and Tutsi ethnic groups were one cause of the bloodshed). This holocaust unfolded before the eyes of a young Tutsi woman home from college over Easter break. Immaculée Ilibagiza spent 90 days hiding from killers in her pastor’s 3’x4’ bathroom with seven other women, hearing how her family and many of her countrymen had been slaughtered. Incredibly, she has forgiven the killers and helped Rwandan women entrepreneurs rebuild their communities. In the process, she taught people everywhere how to overcome evil with good. The following is an excerpt from her best-selling memoir, “Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust” (Hay House). For more information, visit www.lefttotell.com.

I was deep in prayer when the killers came to search the house a second time.
It was past noon, and I’d been praying the rosary since dawn for God to give His love and forgiveness to all the sinners in the world. But try as I might, I couldn’t bring myself to pray for the killers. That was a problem for me because I knew that God expected us to pray for everyone, and more than anything, I wanted God on my side.

As a compromise, I prayed the rosary multiple times, as intensely as I could, every day. Working through all those Hail Marys and Our Fathers took 12 or 13 hours—and whenever I reached the part of the Lord’s Prayer that calls us to “forgive those who trespass against us,” I tried not to think of the killers, because I knew that I couldn’t forgive them.

During that second search, the killers’ racket reached the edge of my prayers like an angry voice waking me from a dream. Then I heard four or five loud bangs next to my head, and they had my full attention. I realized that they were right there in the pastor’s bedroom! They were rummaging through his belongings, ripping things from the wall, lifting up the bed, and overturning chairs.

“Look in that!” One of them yelled. “Now look under here. Move that chest! Search everything!

I covered my mouth with my hands, fearing that they’d hear me breathing. They were only inches from my head . . . the floor was creaking in front of the wardrobe—the wardrobe! I thanked God again for it, but my heart still thumped against my chest.

I could hear them laughing. They were having fun while going about killing people! I cursed them, wishing that they’d burn in hell.

The wardrobe banged against the door. I covered my ears and prayed: God, please. You put the wardrobe there…now keep it there! Don’t let them move it. Save us, Lord!

My scalp was burning, and the ugly whispering slithered in my head again: Why are you calling on God? Don’t you have as much hatred in your heart as the killers do? Aren’t you as guilty of hatred as they are? You’ve wished them dead; in fact, you wished that you could kill them yourself! You even prayed that God would make them suffer and make them burn in hell.

I could hear the killers on the other side of the door, and entreated, God, make them go away…save us from—

Don’t call on God, Immaculée, the voice broke in. He knows that you’re a liar. You lie every time you pray to Him to say that you love Him. Didn’t God create us all in His image? How can you love God but hate so many of His creations?

My thoughts were paralyzed. I knew that the demon in my head was right—I was lying to God every time I prayed to Him. I was so overwhelmed with hatred for the people responsible for the genocide that I had a hard time breathing.

At least 40 or 50 men were in the pastor’s bedroom by this time, and they were shouting and jeering. They sounded drunk and mean, and their chanting was more vicious than usual: “Kill the Tutsis big and small…kill them one and kill them all. Kill them!

I began praying, asking God to keep them away from the wardrobe and out of the house altogether.

Beneath the raucous singing, the dark voice taunted me: It’s no use…don’t call on God. Who do you think sent the killers here for you? He did! Nothing can save you. God doesn’t save liars.

I began to pray for the killers and then stopped. I desperately wanted God’s protection, but I believed in my heart that they deserved to die. I couldn’t pretend that they hadn’t slaughtered and raped thousands of people—I couldn’t ignore the awful, evil things that they’d done to so many innocent souls.

Why do You expect the impossible from me? I asked God. How can I forgive people who are trying to kill me, people who may have already slaughtered my family and friends? It isn’t logical for me to forgive these killers. Let me pray for their victims instead, for those who’ve been raped and murdered and mutilated. Let me pray for the orphans and widows…let me pray for justice. God, I will ask You to punish those wicked men, but I cannot forgive them—I just can’t.

Finally, I heard the killers leaving. First they left the bedroom, then the house, and soon they were walking away down the road, their singing fading in the distance.

I resumed my prayers. I thanked God for saving us and for giving me the idea to put the wardrobe in front of the bathroom door. That was so smart of You, God. You are very smart, I said mentally, and thanked Him again. I wondered where the killers were off to, then I started praying for my friends and family: Please look over my mother, God, she worries so much about us. Watch over my father; he can be so stubborn….

It was no use—my prayers felt hollow. A war had started in my soul, and I could no longer pray to a God of love with a heart full of hatred.

I tried again, praying for Him to forgive the killers, but deep down I couldn’t believe that they deserved it at all. It tormented me…I tried to pray for them myself, but I felt like I was praying for the devil. Please open my heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive. I’m not strong enough to squash my hatred—they’ve wronged us all so much…my hatred is so heavy that it could crush me. Touch my heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive.

I struggled with the dilemma for hours on end. I prayed late into the night, all through the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I prayed all week, scarcely taking food or water. I couldn’t remember when or how long I’d slept, and was only vaguely aware of time passing.

One night I heard screaming not far from the house, and then a baby crying. The killers must have slain the mother and left her infant to die in the road. The child wailed all night; by morning, its cries were feeble and sporadic, and by nightfall, it was silent. I heard dogs snarling nearby and shivered to think how that baby’s life had ended. I prayed for God to receive the child’s innocent soul, and then asked Him, How can I forgive people who would do such a thing to an infant?

I heard His answer as clearly as if we’d been sitting in the same room chatting: You are all my children…and the baby is with Me now.

It was such a simple sentence, but it was the answer to the prayers I’d been lost in for days.

The killers were like children. Yes, they were barbaric creatures who would have to be punished severely for their actions, but they were still children. They were cruel, vicious, and dangerous, as kids sometimes can be, but nevertheless, they were children. They saw, but didn’t understand the terrible harm they’d inflicted. They’d blindly hurt others without thinking, they’d hurt their Tutsi brothers and sisters, they’d hurt God—and they didn’t understand how badly they were hurting themselves. Their minds had been infected with the evil that had spread across the country, but their souls weren’t evil. Despite their atrocities, they were children of God, and I could forgive a child, although it would not be easy…especially when that child was trying to kill me.

In God’s eyes, the killers were part of His family, deserving of love and forgiveness. I knew that I couldn’t ask God to love me if I was unwilling to love His children. At that moment, I prayed for the killers, for their sins to be forgiven. I prayed that God would lead them to recognize the horrific error of their ways before their life on Earth ended—before they were called to account for their mortal sins.

I held on to my father’s rosary and asked God to help me, and again I heard His voice: Forgive them; they know not what they do.

I took a crucial step toward forgiving the killers that day. My anger was draining from me—I’d opened my heart to God, and He’d touched it with His infinite love. For the first time, I pitied the killers. I asked God to forgive their sins and turn their souls toward His beautiful Light.

That night I prayed with a clear conscience and a clean heart. For the first time since I entered the bathroom, I slept in peace.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TROUBLE AT CITY HALLMart De Haan

Read: 1 Corinthians 11:17-34

Whoever eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. – 1 Corinthians 11:27

Wreckers preparing to tear down a burned-out bakery in Troy, Illinois, accidentally made a big impression on City Hall right next door. A 65-ton crane backed into the government building, creating a huge hole in the front wall. According to a supervisor, the crane operator “was just being careless.”

This accident reminds me of what happened to the church in ancient Corinth. By being self-absorbed and careless with the bread and wine of the Lord’s Table, some church members backed into big trouble. Their failure to honor the sanctity of the ceremony dishonored the memory of Christ’s sacrifice. Many believers paid for their mistake with a loss of health or even their life (1 Corinthians 11:30).

Paul urged the Corinthians to judge themselves so that they wouldn’t be judged (vv.28,31). And he pointed out that even the Lord’s judgment was for their benefit (v.32).

The Lord’s Table will remain an opportunity and a danger until He comes (v.26). By the attitude of our hearts, we will either honor His death or do damage to His name.

Before you celebrate the Lord’s Supper, prayerfully examine yourself. Then, with a heart of gratitude, focus on His sacrifice for you.

I pause, and in fresh honesty confess
The sins I try to hide but Christ can see;
And then, in holy hush I taste the meal
And gratefully recall His death for me. —Gustafson

Only those who take their sin seriously can remember Christ’s cross gratefully.

LEFTOVERS

The British are being asked to sign disclaimers before they eat the food in restaurants.

Can I spout off for just a second here? I was working on the show last night, when I came across this story about hamburgers, and how they are served in Britain. It seems that in Britain, restaurants are having customers sign disclaimers before eating because of fears of E-coli and salmonella poisoning. Now, if that is a risk for you by going to that restaurant, and it’s such a concern to them that you have to sign a waiver, why would you eat there? Unfortunately, this is not just a British problem. I went to a local steakhouse yesterday with my bride and ordered a cheeseburger. They asked how I wanted it cooked… I said medium-rare. The waitress then told me that I couldn’t have it medium-rare. So I’m thinking, “What’s the point of asking me how I want it cooked if I can’t get it that way?” She then informed me that I can have my burger cooked medium-well, or well-done. “But I don’t want my burger cooked medium-well,” I said. “I’d like it medium-rare.” Again, she told me they don’t serve them that way. Now I was getting annoyed. “Wait a minute… in order for a burger to get to the medium-well or well-done range, doesn’t it have to go through the rare, medium-rare, and medium stages first? Just stop cooking the burger before it gets to the medium stage!” She then explains in a whispering voice that it’s company policy to serve burgers at least medium-well, due to the risk of E-coli and salmonella poisoning. “Fine,” I said. “I’ll take the prime rib,” I said. She then asked how I wanted that cooked. “Rare.” It was delivered to the table ten minutes later… red as can be.

LIFE… LIVE IT

SURPRISING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FAT

Everybody knows stuffing your face with ice cream, pizza and french fries packs on the pounds. But did you know that simply living in the suburbs makes you fat? It does. Here are 10 surprising things that expand your waistline:

  • Gulping — Research shows that eating too fast blimps you up. Our bodies aren’t equipped to properly metabolize food when it’s shoveled down. Plus, you’ll tend to eat less if you eat slowly.

  • Suburban Living — An international study shows suburb-dwellers tend to be fatter than country folks. Experts theorize it’s because rural people walk more.

  • The Blues — Eating while you’re sad or depressed causes your body to store fat – even if you eat the same amount as you do when you’re happy.

  • Pain Medications — Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs like aspirin contribute to weight gain.

  • Birth Control Pills — They can cause women to retain water, which increases weight.

  • Non-Fat Eating — Forget the hype. Long-term studies find dieters who drastically restrict fat intake ultimately abandon their food plans and splurge. The reason? The diets are too unsatisfying and become impossible to stick with.

  • Stress — You may not eat more food when you’re stressed out, but your digestive system tends to shut down when you’re fearful, worried or churning with anger. Instead of being metabolized, the calories get stored away – often on your stomach, thighs and butt.

  • Get-Togethers — Social gatherings often center around food. You may lose track of how many potato chips or hor d’oeuvres you’ve tucked away.

  • Smoothies — You may think you’re doing something healthy when you bypass a hamburger for a nutritious fruit smoothie. But when fruit is juiced, calories get concentrated. It’s fine to included fruit in your diet, but it’s better to eat it whole.

  • Diet Soda — You may think you’re outwitting Mother Nature by substituting artificially sweetened beverage for sugared ones. But research shows that people who consume a lot of saccharine or aspartame become desensitized to how many calories they’re taking in and wind up overeating.

JUST FOR FUN

SURVEY SEZ!

Is it possible to be happy and stressed? Apparently, yes.

…While most Americans admit to being happy, two-thirds feel stressed out. A study by Hilton Hotels reveals that Generation X-ers are more content than senior citizens and Baby Boomers. But about 66 percent of all respondents said they feel stressed, want to have more fun and need a vacation. Oddly enough, 31 percent of those folks feel too guilty to take time off.

FUN LIST

THE GREATEST SIDEKICKS OF ALL TIME

Entertainment Weekly has put together a list of the 50 Greatest Sidekicks. Here are the top ones:

  • Ed McMahon — Sidekick to Johnny Carson

  • Robin — Sidekick to Batman

  • George Costanza — Sidekick to Jerry Seinfeld

  • Chewbacca — Sidekick to Han Solo

  • Ethel Mertz — Sidekick to Lucy Ricardo

  • Dr. Watson — Sidekick to Sherlock Holmes

  • Samwise Gamgee — Sidekick to Frodo Baggins

  • Ed Norton — Sidekick to Ralph Kramden

  • Tattoo — Sidekick to Mr. Roarke

  • Dwight Schrute — Sidekick to Michael Scott (The Office)

  • Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger — Sidekicks to Harry Potter

  • Donkey — Sidekick to Shrek

  • Robin Quivers — Sidekick to Howard Stern

  • Sancho Panza — Sidekick to Don Quixote de la Mancha

  • Andrew Ridgeley — Sidekick to George Michael

  • Waylon Smithers — Sidekick to C. Montgomery Burns

  • Willow Rosenberg — Sidekick to Buffy Summers

  • Andy Richter — Sidekick to Conan O’Brien

  • Barney Fife — Sidekick to Andy Taylor

  • Turtle — Sidekick to Vincent Chase (Entourage)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EASY WAYS TO SAVE SOME CASH (from Cosmopolitan.com) 

Lacking the funds for a much-needed vacay? Try these tricks to beef up your bank account now, so you can be lounging on a tropical island in no time.

  • Lay Off the Plastic: It’s very convenient to just swipe away when it comes to spending, but by only using cards for purchases, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

  • Set up a Separate Savings Account: If you leave any extra money in your checking account, there is a greater chance that you’ll blow it on a dinner out, or a cute new dress. Get serious about reaching your goal and try to set aside at least $50 from every paycheck and put it in an account where you can watch it grow.

  • Ask “Can I Do Better?”: When paying bills each month it’s important to look at what you are being charged for and if there are any ways you can trim down your costs. Not using all your minutes on your cell bill? Change your plan. Or maybe you really don’t need all 500 TV channels that the cable company is charging you for.

  • Sleep On It: Sleep is not only good for your health – it can have a positive affect on your bank account. There are few things that we want to buy that can’t  wait until tomorrow.  Make yourself wait 24 hours and if you are still obsessed with it the next day, buy it.

  • Don’t Shop Sad…or Angry… or Hungry: When you are reeling from an awful day at work or a fight with your guy, retail therapy is not the answer.

  • Use Coupons Wisely: Sites like Groupon are a smart resource to visit every day when you are trying to save without compromising your social life.

  • Hang Out With Cheapskates: It’s important to let your friends know that you are trying to save. Having them on board as you try to reach your goal is really important because then they can support you, rather than sabotage you.

  • Create an eBay Account: And we don’t mean so you can go crazy scouring for “Buy It Now” deals on couture swag. Clean out your closet and sell the stuff you don’t want, need, or wear anymore. If there is an opportunity for more income, seize it.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

An Heroic Mom has fed 30,000 People in Need Thanks to Extreme Couponing and she’s not even 30 yet! What started as a “small-scale” coupon project, which involved delivering 5,000 meals to people in New Jersey, Washington D.C., Baltimore and the surrounding areas last year, grew after Puryear realized that she could expand her couponing practice. Talk about doing for “the least of these!” http://wmdy.us/v1IBkY4

Muslims around the world are coming to Christ in record numbers through dreams and visions. Reporter Michael Snyder shares the stories of a number of Muslims who had supernatural encounters with Christ. http://dlvr.it/NddR6G

All day today (March 20, 2017) participating Dairy Queens nationwide will be giving away free small vanilla cones. The chain is hoping that while you’re there, you’ll also throw some pocket change, or a buck or two, into a jar to benefit Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals. All donations will go to local children’s hospitals in the network, so your funds will stay in your own community. http://on.today.com/2mu6xlH

23-year-old Beatrice was expected to die of tuberculosis in 1940, but was miraculously healed after making a promise to God. 77 years later and at the age of 100, she is still walking out her promise and thriving with God.

http://fb.me/6JWJKDkmt

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Now, today’s gambling tip for anyone who plans to buy a lottery ticket today. Just send me the dollar, and I’ll tell you that you didn’t win.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. -Richard Doty

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. -Donna Lewis

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast —How many films on this topic have already been made? It doesn’t matter because each one will earn a gazillion dollars anyway. This time around, Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) has the role of the Beast who waits in his enchanted castle for a beautiful girl to love him. Enter Emma Watson as “Belle,“ and the castle includes talking cups, saucers, teapot, etc. These characters are played by Luke Evans, Ewan McGregor (oh, he is Gaston), Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts and Stanley Tucci. Get ready to have everyone in your family singing familiar songs. “Beauty and the Beast” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Free Fire—This action film is set in Boston in 1978 when two gangs meet in a deserted warehouse and decide to settle things once and for all. The tag line for the film is “All Guns, No Control.” The cast includes Enzo Cilenti, Sam Reilly, Brie Larson, Armie Hammer and Sharlto Copley. “Free Fire” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, this film is set in Columbia and concerns locking 80 American executives in a high-rise where a mysterious voice (aren’t they always??) tells them what to do to, and if you don’t, you die. Stars include Tony Goldwyn, Michael Rooker and John C. McGinley. “Belko Experiment” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 24, 2017…

Power Rangers is a remake of the TV series and the kids are back in action.

Chips concerns the two motorcycle policeman from the TV series. Stars Dax Shepard.

Wilson has Woody Harrelson as a man who has yet to met his teenage daughter.

Life is a science fiction movie concerning astronauts on a space station. Stars Ryan Reynolds.

Their Finest Hours centers on making a British propaganda film during WWII. Stars Gemma Atherton.

Tommy’s Honour concerns the early game of golf in 19th century Scotland. Stars Sam Neill.

Car Dogs is a term for low down used car salesmen. The best film about this is “Used Cars” with Kurt Russell. The cast of “Car Dogs” includes George Lopez.

Last Fall is set in Liberia during a civil war there. Stars Javier Bardem.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.