March 21, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180321
PDF: 20180321

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m really not ready to go on with the show yet. My wife and I had an argument this morning, and I still have her car keys up my nose.

Gas prices are insane right now. I’m beginning to think keeping my childhood tricycle wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth … Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved. –Acts 4:10-12

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. — Romans 15:13

Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great: He appeared in a body, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, was taken up in glory. — 1 Timothy 3:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. — Genesis 3:6

Thought: Ouch! We’ve known the way of sin for thousands of years. Yet we sometimes still follow the same path. We’re lured by something pleasing to our eyes. We pause for closer inspection of it, allowing ourselves to be caught up in its desirability. We dabble in it and play with it. We then participate in the sin. Finally, we involve others in sin. You’d think we would have learned the pattern and would have stopped by now. So with the help of the Holy Spirit, why don’t we start trying to do just that?

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for my rebellious and sinful heart. I want to live wholly for you. I don’t want to be captured by the allure of sin or tempted by worldly passions, but I do want to passionately live a godly life for your glory. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 3:21 NIV = But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 21, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
278 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is SINGLE PARENTS DAY, dedicated to recognizing issues related to single-parent families. ***Hats off to all of you single parents… I don’t know how you do it. My wife and I can’t even work things out to get the kitty-litter box emptied each week.

ANONYMOUS GIVING WEEK begins today.  ***Please send all checks and money orders payable to (JOCK) care of… (THIS STATION)…

Today is NATIONAL TEENAGER’S DAY, a day for adults to try to understand teenagers. ***Here’s a tip. Talk on a cell phone for hours, throw your clothes on the floor, eat everything in the refrigerator that’s not a vegetable, and then wear an ear-buds to bed while listening to music cranked up to “11”.

It’s still ACT HAPPY WEEK.  ***It doesn’t matter if you truly are happy, just ACT happy – will ya?  The rest of us don’t want to deal with your sourpuss attitude.

Today is NATIONAL MEMORY DAY.  ***In celebration of. . . um. . . I can’t recall.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Afghanistan Day
Gallo Wine Day
International Colour Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Kick Butts Day
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Healthy Fats Day
National Renewable Energy Day
Poetry Day
Twitter Day
WE Day (Note: This has various dates based on city.  Check their website.)
National Single Parent Day
World Down Syndrome Day
World Poetry Day
World Puppetry Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Data Innovation Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)
World Day of Metta

FRIDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 24

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour
Endometriosis March Day
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Violations and for Dignity of Victims
World Tuberculosis Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 25

International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of The Unborn Child
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

MONDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Live Long And Prosper Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Purple Day
Spinach Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Education and Sharing Day
National Education and Sharing Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
World Theatre Day
American Diabetes Association Alert Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

ON THIS DAY

1617: While on a goodwill trip with husband John Rolphe, America’s best-known princess, Pocahontas, died in Gravesend, England, of either smallpox or pneumonia. She was believed to be 22.

1621: The Pilgrims and Indians made a treaty. ***The Indians wouldn’t open any casinos as long as the Pilgrims didn’t watch football on Thanksgiving. We all know how that worked out.

1747: During a violent storm at sea, 22-year-old English slave ship captain John Newton dramatically became a Christian. He abandoned the slave trade and became an Anglican minister for 43 years. He composed the song “Amazing Grace.”

1790: Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington in New York as the new secretary of state.

1939: Singer Kate Smith recorded “God Bless America.”

1964: The Beatles released “Can’t Buy Me Love.” The record already had sold 2.1 million copies, the largest worldwide advance record sale.

1965: Some 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their march in Alabama from Selma to Montgomery.

1977: Mrs. James Duck of Memphis became history’s fastest mother. Her triplets were born naturally in under two minutes. ***Instead of a blanket the doctor asked the nurse for a catcher’s mitt.

1980: The TV show Dallas left viewers wondering, “Who Shot J.R.?” When the series resumed in the fall, 300-million viewers in 57 countries tuned in to see Kristin pull the trigger. (audio clip)

1987: Televangelist Oral Roberts announced that he HAD to raise 8 million dollars or God would “call him home.” ***Yeah, I didn’t give anything either.

1989: Dick Clark announced he would leave American Bandstand after hosting the TV show for 33 years. His replacement was 26-year-old David Hirsh. ***Who still looked older than Dick Clark.

1990: In a sermon Tammy Faye Bakker said, “Love has no nose … poor people sometimes don’t smell too good, so love can have no nose.” ***And apparently love has no tact either.

1991: Leo Fender died at age 82. He built the first solid-body electric guitar to be mass-produced, the Fender Broadcaster, in 1948. Renamed the Telecaster in 1950, Fender’s guitar became the mainstay of both country and rock musicians. The Fender Precision, introduced in 1950, was the first electric bass.

1994: The Chicago White Sox cut former NBA star Michael Jordan and sent him to the minor leagues.

1994: “Schindler’s List” won best picture at the 66th Academy Awards; Holly Hunter was named best actress for “The Piano” and Tom Hanks won best actor for “Philadelphia.”

1995: New Jersey dedicated the Howard Stern Rest Area along Route 295.

1999: Sheriff Tom Jones in Colby, Kansas, told reporters some prisoners liked their new black-and-white striped uniforms with the old-fashioned round convict caps because they made them “look professional.” Other prisoners thought the uniforms were demeaning. ***Well, we can’t have prisoners being unhappy now, can we?

2000: A divided U.S. Supreme Court ruled the government lacked authority to regulate tobacco as an addictive drug.

2002: Caught red-handed with a duffel bag full of liquor, cigarettes and cigars stolen from a convenience store, a Louisiana man blamed his “evil twin brother” after being shown surveillance video of him breaking into the store. Franklinton police said the suspect did indeed have a brother, but he was neither a twin nor evil.

2005: The Pew Hispanic Center reported the number of undocumented residents in the United States totaled 11 million people.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1146: At the urging of Bernard of Clairvaux (one of the most famous theologians and monks of his day), France’s King Louis VII announces he will lead the Second Crusade to regain the crusader capital of Edessa. When he failed two years later, Christians were devastated that a crusade preached by a moral exemplar and led by royalty could fail.

1556: After denying earlier forced recantations, Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer, a crucial figure in the English Reformation and author of the Book of Common Prayer, is burned at the stake by Queen Mary. He reportedly thrust his arm into the flames, saying the hand that had signed the recantations should be the first to burn.

1685: German organist and composer Johann Sebastian Bach is born in Eisenach, Germany. Though largely unrecognized in his day and forgotten for years after his death, he has since become recognized as one of history’s unequalled musical masters. But music was never just music to Bach. Nearly three-fourths of his 1,000 compositions were written for use in worship. Between his musical genius, his devotion to Christ, and the effect of his music, he has gained recognition in many circles as the “Fifth Evangelist.

1747: Slave trading sea captain John Newton dramatically converts to Christianity during a violent storm. He is best known for penning the hymn “Amazing Grace”.

1778: Charles Wesley, brother of John and author of 8,989 hymns (including “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” “And Can It Be,” “O for a Thousand Tongues to Sing,” “Love Divine, All Loves Excelling,” “Jesus, Lover of My Soul,” “Christ the Lord Is Risen Today,” “Soldiers of Christ, Arise,” and “Rejoice! the Lord Is King!”), dies at age 81.

1871: Journalist Henry M. Stanley, on assignment for the New York Herald, begins his search for David Livingstone in Africa. After he found him (and uttered the famous words “Dr. Livingstone, I presume?”), the Scottish missionary converted him. Stanley was persuaded to return to Africa years later to continue missionary work and exploration.

1900: After the death of its founder, evangelist Dwight L. Moody, Chicago’s Bible Institute for Home and Foreign Missions changes its name to Moody Bible Institute.

1965: Baptist minister Martin Luther King, Jr., leads more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators on a march from Selma, Alabama, to Montgomery. By the time they reached their destination four days later, the group had expanded to 25,000.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (The Longest Ride) Scott Eastwood, 32

  • TV talker & actress (Sleepless In Seattle, A League of Their Own) Rosie O’Donnell 56

  • actor (Godzilla, Inspector Gadget, Ferris Beuler’s Day Off) Matthew Broderick is 56 (audio drop)

  • actor/comedian (SNL) Brad Hall, 60

  • actor (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Lost in Space, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Book of Eli) Gary Oldman 60

  • actor (The Rocketeer, The Living Daylights – 007) Timothy Dalton 72

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1685 : Johann Sebastian Bach

1839 : Modest Mussorgsky

1902 : Son House

1918 : Sir Charles Thompson

1919 : Billy Joe Hunter

1923 : Mort Lindsey

1930 : Otis Spann

1936 : Solomon Burke

1941 : John Boylan

1943 : Viv Stanshall (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1945 : Rosemary Stone (Sly and the Family Stone)

1946 : Ray Dorset (Mungo Jerry)

1949 : Eddie Money

1950 : Roger Hodgson (Supertramp)

1951 : Conrad Lozano (Los Lobos)

1951 : Russell Thompkins, Jr. (The Stylistics)

1953 : Robert Johnson (KC and the Sunshine Band)

1957 : Sean Dickson (The Soup Dragons)

1957 : Jonas Berggren (Ace Of Base)

1967 : MC Maxim (The Prodigy)

1968 : Andrew Copeland (Sister Hazel)

1980 : Deryck Whibley (Sum 41)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How does a bill-changing machine or soda machine determine that your dollar bill is or isn’t counterfeit?

Do you, like me, take it personally when one of your bills is rejected? Only my therapist knows just how badly this electro-magnetic authority figure makes me feel. In passing judgment, the machine checks for several characteristics. For instance, by passing a light through it, the changer examines your bill’s gross density (my Junior High School gym teacher would have scored high). It also uses light rays to check the alignment of thin lines embedded in your bill. A magnet generates a signal from the ink in your bill and it had better match the one characteristic of the ink used in printing real bills. The machine also measures the exact length of your bill. It’s a good thing the bill changer doesn’t also measure the sweat on my palms while I await it’s verdict. After 30 seconds I’ll sign any confession it prints out. (Source: HOW DO THEY DO THAT? By Caroline Sutton)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

“Sex & the City” actress Cynthia Nixon has officially jumped into the race for governor of New York.  ***With the last name of “Nixon” the only way she has a shot is to get a puppy named “Checkers” and start every campaign speech with “I’m not a crook.”

Apparently, there is such a thing as a free lunch.  Little Caesar’s pizza said, if a #16 beat a #1 seed in March Madness, it would be free lunch for everyone. Monday, April 2nd, from 11:30am-1pm, you can stop by for your free lunch combo. ***To ensure you get to the counter in time for the free food, you might want to bring a cattle prod.

Kevin Federline is asking Britney Spears to increase his child support of $20,000 a month, to compensate him for “the sacrifices he has made.”  ***Yes, it must be hard to sacrifice a non-existent music career.

An Ohio man ate at Chipotle 500 days in a row, but now says he is ready for something new.  ***Once he gets out of the hospital.

One of the weirder trends these days: having diamond studs embedded into your ring finger, instead of wearing an actual wedding ring.  ***Good news: you never have to worry about losing your wedding ring.  Bad news: if you’re ever mugged and have to hand over all of your jewelry, you’ll have to cut your finger off.

Uber has suspended testing autonomous cars nationwide after an Uber self-driving car hit and killed a woman in Tempe, AZ, Sunday night.  ***Even worse, they charged it to her credit card.

Kathy Griffin’s comeback begins. Her June 26th show at Carnegie Hall sold-out in 20 minutes. ***They’ve already done a BEHEADED count.

In Evansville, Indiana, 19-year-old Derrick Faria decided to rob a Fifth Third Bank branch, and since he had no wheels, decided to take a cab to and from the robbery! Faria reportedly ordered a taxi cab at home before taking it to the bank, where Evansville Police said he gave the bank teller a note that read: “this is a robbery give me all your money.” Faria reportedly did not have a weapon. He then allegedly took the cab back home and paid the driver $20 from the money he stole. Authorities recovered all the money stolen during the robbery except the $14 cab fare and $6 tip. Faria is being charged with robbery and with possession of drug paraphernalia which officers found in his home.  ***It’s no wonder this guy was unemployed and had to rob a bank.  With thinking like this there’s no way he was going to move up to management.

A new biopic is being filmed in London with Renee Zellweger starring in the Judy Garland story.  ***It’s called “There’s No Place Like Sweet Home Alabama”.

Eddie Redmayne and his wife Hannah have welcomed a baby boy into the world, their second. His name: Luke Richard Bagshawe Redmayne.   ***Good thing the kid has two middle-names to choose from.  There’s no way he’s going to admit his middle name is “Bagshawe”.

When O.J. Simpson gave his first interview after being released from prison, he said that Colin Kaepernick “made a mistake” protesting the National Anthem.  ***And if anybody knows how not to learn from their mistakes, it’s O.J. Simpson.

In Nebraska, they’re looking at raising the speed limit to 80 mph.  ***It’s an attempt to get people who own Toyota Priuses to move to another state.

Police in Hobart, Indiana found what they believe was a methamphetamine lab inside a White Castle restaurant.  ***Which completely explains the addictive nature of White Castle.

Steven Spielberg says Indiana Jones 5 filming will begin in the UK in April 2019. Set for a July 20, 2020 release date, the film will again have Spielberg teaming up with Harrison Ford. ***The film is tentatively titled, “Indiana Jones And The Search For A Geriatric Wheelchair”.

A woman stopped from taking her open jug of sweet wine on a train in China did the only sensible thing — chug as much as she could. This woman drank half the jug — about a quart-and-a-half.  ***I’ll bet that was a really fun train ride.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Research published in the journal Sleep reveals that tweens and teens are doing a lot more texting and talking than their parents might realize. In fact, 62% of the kids surveyed admitted to using cell phones even after they’ve gone to bed for the night.  ***So text them a bedtime story!

The day of the week with the most workplace murders is Monday.  ***Which came as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Blame the potato chip. It’s the biggest demon behind that pound-a-year weight creep that plagues many of us, a major diet study found. Bigger than soda, candy and ice cream.  And the reason is partly that old advertising cliche: No one can eat just one.  “They’re very tasty and they have a very good texture. People generally don’t take one or two chips. They have a whole bag,” said obesity expert Dr. F. Xavier Pi-Sunyer of the St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center in New York.  Even more evil than potato chips?  French fries.  What we eat and how much of it we consume has far more impact than exercise and most other habits do on long-term weight gain, according to the study by Harvard University scientists.  ***So when eating your triple cheeseburger and chocolate shake, just give up the fries and it’s like being on Jenny Craig!

People unwilling to quit smoking to improve their own health may consider giving up cigarettes to spare their pets the harmful effects of second-hand smoke. A new survey says Twenty-eight percent of pet owners who smoke say they would try to quit based on knowledge that second-hand smoke could harm their dogs, cats and other pets. Another 11 percent said they would think about quitting.  ***“I don’t really care if my smoke kills me or my family, but if little Fifi might get sickie-poo…”

A Baltimore coffee shop that has recently been robbed several times now no longer takes cash.  ***Stop drinking coffee people – it’s just brought us one step closer to the Mark of the Beast!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left our story, Marvy Snuffleson had been sent to his room by his parents because he’d been mean to the new kid in the neighborhood and refused to play with him – mostly because it wasn’t cool. But now the thunderstorm has tossed Marvy, his teddy-bear, and his entire bed out the bedroom window and onto the high seas!

CLOSE: What kind of place is this that Marvy has washed ashore upon? And who are the furry, tall creatures? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A University in Canada tried to be considerate of the blind… but ended up in a Moment of Duh!

Canada’s University of Alberta in Edmonton has proudly unveiled a new poster readable by the blind — it’s embossed with Braille letters describing the pictures on the poster. The posters, commissioned by the university’s human resources department, is one of a series on human-rights themes. There’s only one problem though. In all 25 locations where the Braille poster is displayed, they are unreadable, since the posters are incased in glass.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS YOUR COMPUTERS IS ON THE SIDEWALK, NINE STORIES BELOW

10. The life-like golf game was more realistic than you thought.

9. There is no ten-story building in your town.

8. You heard that getting some fresh air would help make a virus go away.

7. It jumped out of the window, all by itself, honest!

6. It must have heard the ice cream truck coming.

5. As you unfortunately discovered, capes do not give computers the ability to fly.

4. How else were you supposed to stop all the pop-ups?

3. It was “either you or that computer.” This time you happened to guess right.

2. It committed spamicide.

1. Grandma still thinks it’s a typewriter, and she hits the “Carriage Return” the old way. (What’s a carriage return?!)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A German man decides to make a little money by impersonating a police officer!

FILE #1: In Munich, Germany the crowds at the annual Oktoberfest celebration can get a little rowdy. So our Law & Disorder hero decided to help the police out by fining some of the more rowdy celebrants. He would flash an ID and demand payment of $25 on the spot, threatening arrest if they didn’t comply. When one of his “perps” refused to pay up, our hero, not really a police officer, decided to “arrest” him anyway and hauled him off to the nearest police station. Upon arrival, it was our hero who was busted for impersonating an officer. And that ID he was flashing? It turned out to be a fake driver’s license with a photo of Elvis on it.

FILE #2: Toe-licking could become a criminal offense in the Netherlands after a man who licked the toes of several women was released by police without charges. The unnamed toe-licker was arrested in Rotterdam earlier this week after a woman who had been sunbathing said he unexpectedly licked her bare foot. Other women had also complained, and the 35-year-old man has reportedly been pursuing his fetish for years, but prosecutors said they are powerless to stop him. Because a lick of the foot doesn’t qualify as a crime. Lawmakers are working to change the law.

FILE #3: A Madison, Wisconsin, police officer responded to a 911 disconnect call at a home with the dispatcher reporting that the phone line was constantly busy on callback.  Upon arriving at the home, which had all drapes pulled tightly closed, he found a note attached to the door reading, “Nothing can hurt me. Nothing can make me scared. No one can take me.”  After getting assistance, while preparing to take appropriate tactical action in response to the obvious threat the police finally reached the homeowner by phone.  Did you figure it out yet?  Turns out the owner’s 3-year-old son had a nightmare and he posted the note on the door to scare off any bad things and the same little troublemaker, while playing with the phone, inadvertently dialed 9-1-1.

STRANGE LAW: Women in Morrisville, Pennsylvania are required by law to purchase a permit before wearing lipstick in public.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

One robber shoots his father during a heist!

The elder half of a father-son robbery team pleaded guilty this week to a beer heist that ended with the dad being accidentally shot in the chest by the son. The 41-year-old father and his son were walking along a Winnipeg (Canada) street, with the dad carrying a hidden sawed-off shotgun in his clothing. The two planned to sell the weapon. Instead, the pair ran into three people who had just come out of a hotel carrying a case of beer. The dad decided to rob them of the booze, but the owner of said booze didn’t want to let go of it. In the ensuing tussle, the dad threw the gun to his son, and the boy fired it toward the man fighting with his father. Instead, the bullet hit his dad in the chest. The father has been sentenced to four years in jail and his son received 18 months probation.  ***Sounds to me like they’d done a little drinking before-hand as well.

PHONER PHUN

What strange items can you not do without? For example, I have a lighter on me almost all the time. I don’t smoke, never did, don’t ever intend to, have never had a need to start a fire, but still I carry a lighter at all times because my dad once told me I should. Not sure why though. How about you – do you always carry something with you that isn’t really necessary?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What nation did God say would have its towns and fields cursed because of disobedience?
ANSWER: Israel — Deuteronomy 28:15-16

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

ANSWER: Boxing

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There was a time in Japan where a wife being left handed was a grounds for divorce. (True)

2. The most overdue book in the world was borrowed and returned 28 years later. (False – 288 year later, borrowed from Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge, England)

3. Apples are grown around the world more than any other fruit. (False, grapes)

4. The first American president to deliver a speech over the radio was Theodore Roosevelt. (False, Warren G. Harding.)

5. The largest type of penguin is the Emperor Penguin. (True – it can stand to be almost 3.5 feet tall and weigh more than 90 pounds.)

6. The stapler was invented in Spring Valley, Colorado. (False, Minnesota)

7. The sun shrinks five feet every hour. (True)

8. 7-Eleven was the first convenience store to have television advertising. (True – the animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl.)

9. In 1783, the hot air balloon was invented Washington D.c. (False, France)

10. The word “McJob” has been added in the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. (True. It is defined as “a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement.”)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN FOAM KILLING _______ (HOGS)

Aliens are using expanding foam, which seems to grow on manure pits, to cause hog farms to explode.

Six farms have blown up in the last week – killing thousands of animals, mostly hogs – after methane trapped inside the alien foam caught a spark.

There’s no stopping it: the foam has now been spotted growing on one in four farms across the Midwest.

“This has all started in four months ago when the Gootans first landed on Earth,” said Professor Sam Benton of the University of Wisconsin. .”We have no idea why they are using this foam, but we can’t seem to identify it and we definitely can’t control it.”

The foam appears to capture gases emitted by bacteria living in the manure which gathers in pits under barns on farms.

Even when the foam or muck is cleared, it creeps back.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darn cat.”

JOKE #2

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.  Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.  “I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

JOKE #3

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

USELESS FACTS

About 20% of people eat a diet composed entirely of just 10 or fewer foods.  ***And six of those are chocolate.

“Acre” literally means the amount of land plowable in one day.  ***So in my case an “acre” would be four-foot square.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CHEERFUL GIVING

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TO THE BATCAKE! (audio clip)

You’ve heard of people finding a fly in their soup, but what would you do if you found a bat in your cake?

People sometimes try to be romantic by putting things in cakes for their loved ones to find. Rings, necklaces, dead bats. A woman in Rome recently found a dead bat in the middle of her vanilla cream cake. Turns out it was not from her boyfriend though, it probably just fell from the roof in the bakery and got mixed in before anyone was able to notice. ***MARLAR: Maybe this is how that children’s rhyme got started.  “Batty Cake, Batty Cake…”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MOTHERS HANDS

Louisa Godissart McQuillen

Night after night, she came to tuck me in, even long after my childhood years. Following her longstanding custom, she’d lean down and push my long hair out of the way, then kiss my forehead.

I don’t remember when it first started annoying me – her hands pushing my hair that way. But it did annoy me, for they felt work-worn and rough against my young skin. Finally, one night, I lashed out at her: “Don’t do that anymore – your hands are too rough!” She didn’t say anything in reply. But never again did my mother close out my day with that familiar expression of her love.

Lying awake long afterward, my words haunted me. But pride stifled my conscience, and I didn’t tell her I was sorry. Time after time, with the passing years, my thoughts returned to that night. By then I missed my mother’s hands, missed her goodnight kiss upon my forehead. Sometimes the incident seemed very close, sometimes far away. But always it lurked, hauntingly, in the back of my mind.

Well, the years have passed, and I’m not a little girl anymore. Mom is in her mid-seventies, and those hands I once thought to be so rough are still doing things for me and my family. She’s been our doctor, reaching into a medicine cabinet for the remedy to calm a young girl’s stomach or soothe a boy’s scraped knee. She cooks the best fried chicken in the world . . . gets stains out of blue jeans like I never could . . . and still insists on dishing out ice cream at any hour of the day or night. Through the years, my mother’s hands have put in countless hours of toil, and most of hers were before perma-pressed fabrics and automatic washers!

Now, my own children are grown and gone. Mom no longer has Dad, and on special occasions, I find myself drawn next door to spend the night with her. So it was that late one Thanksgiving Eve, as I drifted into sleep in the bedroom of my youth, a familiar hand hesitantly stole across my face to brush the hair from my forehead. Then a kiss, ever so gently, touched my brow. In my memory, for the thousandth time, I recalled the night my surly young voice complained: “Don’t do that anymore – your hands are too rough!” I reacted involuntarily. Catching Mom’s hand in mine, I blurted out how sorry I was for that night. I thought she’d remember, as I did. But Mom didn’t know what I was talking about. She had forgotten – and forgiven – long ago.

That night, I fell asleep with a new appreciation for my gentle mother and her caring hands. And the guilt I had carried around for so long was nowhere to be found.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DIVINE INTERRUPTIONS

David Roper

Read: Luke 10:29-37

A certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion. – Luke 10:33

A Samaritan made his way down to Jericho and encountered a wounded Jew lying alongside the road. Others had hurried by, too busy with their own affairs to be interrupted.

But the Samaritan, who was hated by the Jews and would be expected to pass by, “had compassion.” He “bandaged his wounds, . . . set him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him” (Luke 10:33-34).

God’s will comes to us in strange ways, often in the form of interruptions. Just when we think our duties are done for the day and we’ve settled in for a quiet evening at home, someone calls on the telephone or shows up on our doorstep asking for our time. “Are you busy?” they ask.

The best thing to do is to stop looking at these intrusions as interruptions. Instead, we should take them as opportunities that God is sending us to serve those in need—to listen well, to show love, to help them on their journey toward intimacy with God.

One early Christian writer, Jean-Pierre de Caussade, said, “Love is the duty of the present moment.” No matter what else we may have planned, love is our duty.

“Who is my neighbor?” I ask. Jesus answers, “The person in need I’m sending your way.”

Lord, if I’m feeling rushed today,
I need your eyes to help me see
That when an interruption comes
It is an opportunity. —Sper

An interruption may be a divine appointment.

LEFTOVERS

Zero tolerance policies in schools… regarding HUGGING?

Administrators at Pequot Lakes (Minn.) School have cracked down — no more hugs, they say, since they’re “unnecessary.” Hugging was a standard greeting at the school, so distressed administrators forbade them. Even though the hugs are used to express feelings and to make people feel better, tough. If a teacher catches a student hugging too often, it’s off to detention with them. According to principal Chuck Arns, hugging has a tendency to change the atmosphere in school. ***MARLAR: Hey Chuck, why don’t you ask the teachers at Santana High, Columbine, Northern Illinois University, and Newton, Connecticut which “atmosphere” they would prefer.

  • PHONER: What do you think? Is the school overreacting, or is it a good idea that kids aren’t allowed to touch each other at all? If this happened to your child, how would you react?

LIFE… LIVE IT

GET SOME SLEEP
Fighting off insomnia on a regular basis? Here are some simple tips to beat insomnia and get a good night’s sleep:

  • Do something dull before retiring. Do your taxes, read a phone book, sort your laundry. A little of this boredom goes a long way toward promoting sleep.

  • Drink milk before bedtime. Milk contains substance that relax the body. And the great news is it doesn’t even have to be warm to be effective. Warm it only if you like that way.

  • Keep the bedroom dark. Light interferes with sleep. Even when your eyes are closed, they still perceive light. Avoid nightlights and illuminated clock dials, and close the shades if light from the outside comes through the window.

  • Keep the bedroom cool and the bed warm. The ideal sleeping situation is to be bundled warmly in a snug bed in a room that’s well ventilated and a little bit chilly.

  • Enjoy herbal tea before bed — but not too much of it. Many people sip relaxing teas made from chamomile, passionflower, hawthorn and other herbs to help them get their rest. But remember, drinking too much of any liquid before bedtime can have the opposite effect, particularly if you have a sensitive bladder.

  • Use your bed for only one thing: sleep. Well, okay maybe two things. The point is, if you like to read yourself to sleep, or knit or work puzzles, do these activities in a favorite chair or sofa. We want our minds to associate bed with sleep.

JUST FOR FUN

THIS IS MY COUNTRY

Want to start your own country? One man has discovered it’s much easier than he thought it would be.

Looking to create your own country? Looking for a new country to become a citizen of? Well, I can’t imagine too many people wanting to denounce their citizenship of this country, but there are about 3,000 Pakistanis that want to become citizens of a new country named Ladonia. Only one problem though… the country doesn’t exist. Ladonia is the brainchild of Lark Vilks, who set aside a half-mile square (one kilometer) piece of land and named it Ladonia a few years ago. He did this to protest an attempt by Swedish authorities to remove two large abstract works of art he built. But Mr. Vilks had no idea how popular the incredibly small “country” would become… with a little help from the internet. The web site already had 6,000 registered “citizens” to this imaginary country. It became such a large problem for Lark that he has now shut down the website, fearing that all of these people actually believed it was a real country… and not being able to supply housing or jobs for his new “citizens”.

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN

  • You get up to change the channel and decide as long as you’re up, you might as well go to bed.

  • You sit down to breakfast and hear “snap, crackle, and pop” and you haven’t even poured the milk on your cereal yet.

  • You wonder why everyone else is starting to mumble.

  • When doing the “Hokey Pokey”, you “put your left hip out” and it stays out.

  • One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Beware of all those “healthy” food labels – those foods may not really be all that healthy!

More and more “healthy” buzzwords are appearing on food packages. But proceed with caution. Just because a product lacks fat, gluten or sugar doesn’t mean it’s healthier.

  • Fat-Free: You might think you’re making a healthy choice, but eating certain fat-free foods may cause you to gain, not lose weight.

  • Gluten-Free: If you don’t have gluten sensitivity, think twice before ditching gluten: being gluten-free doesn’t automatically make a product better for you. Some gluten-free breads have up to 13 times more fat and 16 times more protein than others.

  • Diet Soda: To most, the word “diet” equals weight loss. But diet soda may not be holding up its end of the bargain. A recent study showed people who drank two or more diet sodas daily had a six-times-greater increase in waist circumference at the end of the 10-year study.

  • Organic: People asked to rate “organic” versus “conventional” yogurt, cookies and potato chips overwhelmingly said they thought they were healthier.  The catch? All products in the study were actually identical, just labeled differently.

  • Trans-Fat Free: Since 2006, the FDA has required food manufacturers to list reportable amounts of trans fat on the Nutrition Facts label. But here’s the thing: food manufacturers don’t have to report the trans-fat content if it’s less than 0.5 gram per serving.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A recent survey found that you can boost your memory, attention, and problem solving ability, by prepping a meal. Experts say prepping a meal counts, as does exercising, or simply chatting with friends. “Anything that requires you to actively use your brain is helping to keep it fit for the future,” says Gary Small, M.D., director of the UCLA Longevity Center at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior in Los Angeles. Sorry, Netflix binges aren’t on the list, no matter how suspenseful the cliff-hangers are. (Women’s Health)

Good news, unrepentant slurpers: You don’t have to quit it all at once. No matter how many soft drinks you tend to swill, swapping just one of them daily for water can lower your calories enough, about 6 percent, to help you lose weight and improve your overall health, a new Virginia Tech study has found. Yeah, we get it: You can’t or, be honest, just don’t want to, give up your addiction. You guzzle soda like it’s carbonated crack, even when faced with the constant barrage of research proving that the syrupy sweetened drinks can make you fat, give you diabetes, raise your risk of a heart attack, and cause myriad other bad, bad, really bad health problems. So, if you’re one of the junkies: Till the next scathing study comes out, how about just trying the swap? (Men’s Fitness)

Apparently it IS the most important meal of the day!  People who made breakfast their biggest meal of the day decreased their BMIs (Body Mass Index) by more than those who ate the most at lunch or dinner, found a new study in The Journal of Nutrition. “A good breakfast seems to decrease hunger by effects on satiety hormones,” says study author Gary Fraser, M.D. Plus, starting the day with a hearty meal may affect insulin levels, changing the way we metabolize food and burn calories. (Health)

As we age we tend to have slower reaction times, experience forgetfulness and wonder why our muscles aren’t as strong as they once were. But here is good news. Your spatial attention skills do not seem to decline with age. Spatial attention, which involves touch, sight and sound, is the ability to focus on specific stimuli in our visual environment. For example, when we drive a car, we are bombarded with stimuli — from the passing scenery to the pedestrian crossing the street at the next intersection. Spatial attention is when the brain identifies the most important part of the scene and ignores the meaningless information. Such skills are used for many areas of life, including walking, driving, picking up things and using things. The study found that part of the brain doesn’t age like the rest of the human body does. Adults who are as old as 95 appear to have the same responses for spatial attention tasks as do older teenagers.

Regular exercise is one of the most powerful tools to prevent colds and flu — so much so that working out just three days a week can help fend off as many as four colds a year, reports WTOP/Washington, DC. How? Exercise bolsters the immune system in three ways, according to Josef Brandenburg, a D.C.-area fitness expert with 14 years of experience and co-author of “Results Fitness”:

  1. When you run, power walk or cycle, you breathe more deeply and fully, and it is thought that this helps flush out your lungs, which makes you more resistant to infections.

  2. When stress hormones, such as cortisol, go sky high, they suppress the immune function. Exercise keeps those stress hormones in balance.

  3. Exercise alters a type of white blood cell called T-cells so they are better at fighting disease.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A Maryland Church has gifted a used car to five of its congregants, citing its desire to become “outrageously generous.” Columbia-based “Destiny Church” gave away four cars after each of its Sunday services, as well as an additional car to a family in need.  Destiny Senior Pastor Stephen Chandler said that the congregation was celebrating its move into a permanent worship space, having previously been meeting in a school gymnasium. “One of our founding values as a church is that ‘We Are Outrageously Generous,’ and we strive to live that out in everything we do,” the pastor told the Christian Post.  “We wanted to mark the celebration with an act of generosity that overshadowed the great blessing of the building we received. Acts 20:35 says that it is better to give than to receive and that has truly turned out to be the case.”  Destiny Church gave away a Chevy Cruze, Toyota Corolla, Nissan Sentra, Ford Escape and a Dodge Journey – all of which were bought at a used car dealership. The cars were allocated to certain members of the congregation by a raffle system – some 2,000 tickets were given away.  (Read the rest of the story at http://www.faithwire.com/2018/03/08/maryland-church-praised-and-mocked-after-giving-away-free-cars-to-worshippers/)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Maryland, 25-year-old Montgomery County Police Officer Jose A. Barahona has been accused of stealing several items including instant oatmeal and two boxes of condoms during his off-duty security job at a Walmart. According to court filings, Barahona took the items during “a continuing course of conduct” in the Germantown store. A Walmart employee said he believed Barahona had attempted to steal items and successfully stole items from the store on other occasions while working as a security employee. Barahona was suspended from duty with pay. It’s unclear if he has a lawyer. (NBC Washington )

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Wow, I can’t believe I survived another on-air shift drinking this radio station’s coffee. That’s got to be proof God exists.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 16, 2018…

Tomb Raider-–Angelina Jolie was the first Lara Croft and I still have the soundtrack from that film. Jolie has gone on to further things in the film industry, including directing. In this reboot of the series, directed by Roar Uthaug, we again meet Lara )Alicia Vikander) , who is the daughter of a famous explorer, played by Dominic West. They search for antiquities and Dad’s company is vast, directed by Kristen Scott Thomas, with an array of gear and guns designed by Nick Fraser. In the film, Lara is searching for her father (aren’t they all?)  She doesn’t quite have the knack for defense but catches on quickly. A water escape is there, and Vikander did many of her own stunts. Reminiscent of “A Wrinkle In Time.“) Every adventure film has to have a villain, and here it is Walton Groggins. Lara gets into one entanglement after another with plenty of chases and escapes. The soundtrack this time around is done by Junkie XL. “Tomb Raider” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Love, Simon—The story line here concerns a teenage boy, Simon (Nick Robinson) who is gay and trying to come out. Unfortunately, someone is trying to blackmail Nick and he learns you must choose your friends with care. The film is adapted from the book “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda.” Also in the cast are Jennifer Garner as Simon’s Mom and Josh Duhamel as his father. “Love, Simon” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MARCH 23, 2018…

Midnight Sun was to have been released last year. It is a story of a young woman with a disease that makes it painful for her to be in the sun.

Sherlock Gnomes is an animated continuance of the gnomes stories and this time, there is a detective gnome trying to solve a case.

Leisure Seeker
 is finally opening and stars Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland as an aging couple on a road trip.

Pacific Rim 2 is a science fiction film about Earth battling alien invaders by building huge robots as fighting machines. Stars John Boyega.

Unsane is directed by Steven Soderbergh and a psychological thriller starring Claire Foy in a mental hospital.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.