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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160322
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
People ask me sometimes how I can have so much energy and get up so early in the morning for this job. Well, primarily it’s due to the exorbitant amount of coffee I drink each day. In fact, Juan Valdez just asked me for a cost-of-living raise.
Just learned that our staff meeting was canceled for this morning. You mean, I showered for nothing?!?!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. –Colossians 3:12
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. — Galatians 5:22-23
Restore us, O God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved. — Psalm 80:7
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one …” — Romans 3:9-10
Thought: Paul is driving home the point in Romans 3 that none of us can even approximate the perfection and holiness of God. So how do we get there? How do we escape the stranglehold of sin? God’s answer is Jesus!
I believe that must be OUR answer, too!
Jesus came to ransom us from sin (Mark 10:45), paying the price for our sin even while we were sinners (Romans 5:6-11). We couldn’t earn our way to God by our goodness, so Jesus became our bridge back to God. The glorious truth is this:
God made him [Jesus] who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, I acknowledge before you the sinfulness in my life. Yet by faith, I truth in what Jesus did for me through his death, burial, and resurrection to bring me life and make me holy in your sight. Please bless and empower me to live as your victorious child because of such amazing grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Lamentations 3:22 NIV = Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 22, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 277 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is AS YOUNG AS YOU FEEL DAY, a day to feel peppy and to stop acting your chronological age.
Today is INTERNATIONAL GOOF-OFF DAY, a day to be oneself: to have fun and to be silly. *** Known here on the show as “TUESDAY.”
Speaking of goofing-off, Americans waste 18 weeks a year goofing off at work, according to a survey conducted by a national executive-recruiting firm, which showed workers throw the most time away by:
- Lounging at the water fountain, coffee pot or smoking area
- Hiding in the rest room
- Gossiping about co-workers
- Complaining about the boss
- Making personal calls on company time
- Surfing the web
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
American Diabetes Association Alert Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of the Seal
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day of Water / World Water Day
World Day of Metta
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
World Meteorological Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 24
International Day For The Right To The Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations And For Dignity Of Victims. ***Seriously? They couldn’t have come up with a shorter version of that? Maybe IDRTCGHRVDV for short?
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
World Tuberculosis Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 25
International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery and the Transatlantic
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Tolkien Reading Day
World Marbles Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 26
Legal Assistants Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 27
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
MONDAY, MARCH 28
Barnum & Bailey Day
Be Mad Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
Knights of Columbus Founders Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day
ON THIS DAY
1774: Tommy Thumb’s Song Book, a collection of English nursery rhymes which included “Baa Baa Black Sheep,” was published by Mrs. Mary Cooper.
1882: The U.S. Congress outlawed polygamy.
1894: The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association beat the Ottawa Capitals 3-1 to win the first Stanley Cup. The cup was named for Lord Stanley of Preston because he paid for it: all $44.67.
1918: A flu epidemic started at Fort Riley, Kansas. Within three months, it had spread worldwide and killed 21-million people. ***MARLAR: So who needs nuclear missiles? We’ve got the ultimate weapon — Kansas germs!
1956: Singer Carl Perkins was critically injured, his brother Jay killed, in a Wilmington, Delaware, car crash. They were driving to New York to perform Carl’s hit, “Blue Suede Shoes,” on TV’s Perry Como Show.
1958: 8-year-old Hank Williams Jr. made his singing debut in Swainsboro, Georgia.
1972: The U.S. Congress sent a proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution to the states for ratification. Only 35 states ratified the it; three short of the number needed for approval.
1981: RCA introduced its Selectra Vision laser disc player. ***MARLAR: If it doesn’t sound familiar to you at all, it’s not surprising… it never caught on.
1990: George Bush shocked the world when he announced, “I do not like broccoli and I haven’t liked it since I was a kid and my mother made me eat it, and I’m the President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.” ***Of course, that’s just a fond memory, now that he’s no longer president Barbara makes him eat it. –Contemporary Comedy
1991: Los Angeles Kings’ owner Bruce McNall and superstar Wayne Gretzky set a world record by buying a baseball card. They paid $451,000 for one of six known Honus Wagner cards.
1997: A powerful new “bullet train” service was launched in Japan, achieving the world’s fastest average speed on a commercial run of 151.4 miles an hour.
1997: Tara Lipinski became the youngest women’s world figure skating champion at age 14 years 10 months,.
1998: A New York motorist, angry at being cut off, used a phony police badge to stop the other car on the Long Island Expressway. The other driver was a real police officer.
1999: Britney Spears’ album “Baby One More Time” was certified triple platinum.
2001: A 45-year-old man was in a Memphis, Tennessee, court facing charges of attempted burglary and drug possession when he was accused of trying to hide cocaine under a courtroom chair. Witnesses said he reached into his shirt pocket and tried to hide a small plastic bag of white powder under a chair leg. A deputy retrieved the packet, the substance tested positive for cocaine, and the defendant had another charge added to his file.
2005: A woman claimed to have found a fingertip while eating Wendy’s chili at a restaurant in San Jose, California. The food chain lost millions before the woman admitted it was all a hoax.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies at age 47. As emperor, he issued an edict officially tolerating Christianity, though he did little to stave off paganism. He also summoned the Council of Nicea to settle the Arian dispute over the nature of Christ.
1621: In colonial Massachusetts, the Plymouth Colony made a treaty with the neighboring Indians which both sides kept for fifty years.
1638: Religious dissident Anne Hutchinson is expelled from Massachusetts Bay Colony. Questioned about her teachings on grace, she insisted she had received divine revelations. When her examiners asked how she knew these came from God, she replied, “How did Abraham know that it was God that bid him offer his son, being a breach of the Sixth Commandment?” Although Hutchinson repented of her “errors,” her questioners decided she was lying and banished her from the colony.
1758: Jonathan Edwards, one of America’s greatest theologians, dies from the effects of a smallpox vaccination after arriving in New Jersey to accept the presidency of what is now Princeton University.
1819: Birth of Joseph P. Webster, American sacred music writer. During his lifetime, Webster composed over 1,000 pieces of music, including the still-popular hymn tune SWEET BY AND BY (“There’s a Land That is Fairer Than Day”).
1836: Birth of Edgar P. Stites, American Methodist frontier preacher and missionary. Stites is remembered today as author of the hymns “Beulah Land” and “Trusting Jesus.”
1874: The first meeting of the newly established Young Men’s Hebrew Association was held in New York City. Other early “Y’s” were founded in Philadelphia (1875), St. Louis (1880) and San Francisco (1885). (The YMHA became the forerunner of the modern Jewish Community Center.)
1928: The China Trio (Mildred Cable, Eva and Francesca French) head back to China where they continue to win fame as explorers and evangelists of the Gobi desert.
1930: Birthday of Marion Gordon “Pat” Robertson, religious broadcaster, politician and founder in 1963 of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN).
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Celebrity son (Kathie Lee & Frank’s kid) Cody Gifford, 26
- Actress (Pirates of the Caribbean) Keira Knightley, 33
- actress (Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Election) Reese Witherspoon 40
- actress (Laura Winslow on “Family Matters”) Kellie Williams 40 (audio clip)
- Actor (2 Fast 2 Furious, Hart’s War, Steve Curtis on “ER”) Cole Hauser, 40 (audio clip)
- actor (Full Metal Jacket, Cutthroat Island) Matthew Modine 57
- Actress (Chocolat, The Shipping News) Lena Olin, 61
- TV’s Bob Costas 64
- TV journalist Wolf Blitzer, 68
- Actor (“Star Trek’s” Capt. James Tiberius Kirk, “Boston Legal”) William Shatner, 85 (He plans to go out for a nice dinner tonight if Priceline accepts his bid.) (audio clip)
- TV Evangelist Pat Robertson, 86
Since it’s William Shatner’s birthday, here are a few signs that Star Trek is taking up a bit too much of your life…
- Saying “make it so” in casual conversation.
- Indignation because the periodic table doesn’t include dilithium and tritanium.
- Able to use “variable phase inverter” in a sentence without excessive thought first.
- You have figured out the StarDate system.
- You keep forgetting that present-day elevators don’t have a voice interface.
- You understand the Klingon language.
- You’ve lectured any science professor on how transporters work.
- The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.
- You have more than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer.
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1930 : Stephen Sondheim
1932 : Juke Boy Bonner
1936 : Roger Whittaker
1937 : Johnny Ferguson
1943 : George Benson
1943 : Keith Relf (The Yardbirds)
1944 : Jeremy Clyde (Chad & Jeremy)
1944 : Tony McPhee (The Groundhogs)
1946 : Harry Vanda (The Easybeats)
1947 : Patrick Olive (Hot Chocolate)
1948 : Andrew Lloyd Webber
1948 : Randy Jo Hobbs (The McCoys)
1957 : Stephanie Mills
1986 : Amy Studt
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Decaf Coffee… WHY?!?!
An importer, Dr. Ludwig Roselius, ordered a shipment of coffee to be delivered from Europe to his home in the United States. On the way to the US, the entire shipment got wet. Dr. Roselius found that the coffee beans were still brewable. The taste of the coffee brewed from the beans was still good, but the resulting beverage had lost its kick. Thus as a result of this accident decaffeinated coffee was born. The brand name of Sanka was coined in 1903, shortly after the accident. The name is derived from the French language. It comes from sans caffeine, which means without caffeine. Today decaffeinated coffee is still made and is even more popular. When a coffee company takes the caffeine out of their coffee what do they do with the caffeine that is removed? Let’s be economical. We really don’t want to waste anything. The decaffeination process yields pure caffeine. This is a valuable, marketable product. The caffeine is sold to pharmaceutical companies to be used in a number of products. Also much of the caffeine is sold to soft drink companies to be added to their sodas. Now the question is – Why do coffee companies generally charge more for decaf coffee when they are reimbursed for the sale of the eliminated product?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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A random meeting by Jamie Grace turned into a new friendship. Jamie recently asked a total stranger to help her with snapchat. She says: I was walking by her and saw her using the app. Her dad invited us to sit with them and she taught me how to use faceswap. After Morgan and I went back at our table, the girl’s sister’s cousin’s friend called the cousin who called the girls and said “that was Jamie Grace”. So we ended up making new friends! Love the crazy ways God works to bring His kids together!
Cloverton member Lance Stafford was taking advantage of a rare weekend at home. He posted pictures of he and his son Jude dressed in Captain America gear. Lance posted: Friday nights at home call for building shields, saving the world, and doing it all with anonymity.
Joel and Luke were celebrating an anniversary this weekend. The members of for King and Country posted: Two decades ago, our family began traveling together in support of our eldest sister, Rebecca St James. Mum decided to homeschool us seven children because she sensed she’d been given a promise from above that God would uniquely teach us the skills we’d need for life. And now, 20 years later, here we are, still together, carrying out the crafts we learned.
Mercyme’s Bart Millard is facing a problem many families deal with at this time of the year. He posted: The re-entry process after vacation is hard.
Colton Dixon and the members of Finding Favour might have exchanged their tent and camp fire for a tour bus but scary stories are still part of the agenda. Colton posted this week: Scary movie night on the bus with the FindingFavour boys.
Danny Gokey took a side trip while in Baltimore recently as part of the Rock and Worship Road Show. Rather than sleeping in, he spent the morning ministering to the guys from Helping Up Mission, but it sounds like he was ministered to as well. Danny posted: So incredible to see the joy they have in worshiping God! They’ve all been in tough situations fighting addiction and hopelessness, but have been able to overcome with God’s help through this ministry!
Lauren Daigle was feeling the love of Christ this week. She was dealing with sickness and posted: I’m in awe of the outpouring of support each one of you has given… In my moments of discouragement, I’ve been able to look back at your comments and find great comfort. I cannot explain how appreciative I am of how thoughtful and kind your words have been and how I’ve treasured your understanding while being sick this week! Y’all mean SO MUCH to me!
In celebration of rumors about plans for Princess Diaries 3, Jamie Grace this week released a cover of the Genovia national anthem. She even added in some of her own touches, including Anne Hathaway’s speech from the movie and portions of the song Crowning Glory, also from the movie. The cover video even earned her a text from Caroline Goodall, one of the actresses in the movie. Listen to the cover song here: https://youtu.be/WrbhJwsUHtM
Want to own a guitar played by Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia? He posted over the weekend: I will be selling a few road gear items, guitars, pedals in near future in an effort to restore, revamp, upgrade. Stay tuned.
ESPN was talking late last week to NEEDTOBREATHE. The band will host the fourth annual NEEDTOBREATHE Classic this week, raising money to benefit the Palmetto Medical Initiative (PMI). ESPN Music had a chance to catch up with NEEDTOBREATHE frontman, Bear Rinehart, who gave them the lowdown on the star-studded golf outing. While all the band members play golf to a varying degree, Bear named bass player Seth Bolt as the best of the four. Joining NEEDTOBREATHE, this year’s roster includes NBA legend Rick Barry, PGA player Russell Henley, NFL star receiver Adam Humphries, rock band Switchfoot, and singer-songwriter Mat Kearney, just to name a few.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
If you’re thinking cowboy, princess and astronaut are typical careers choices for the pre-adolescent child, you’re out of step with the times. This year’s annual Fatherly Imagination Report — based on 500 responses by kids ages 1-10 — discovered what this generation’s kids really want to be when they grow up. The most popular answer of last year across all age groups was a professional athlete. Also in the top five were Doctor, Teacher, Veterinarian, and I Don’t Know. ***Heck, I’m 46 years old and I’m still at the “I Don’t Know” stage.
A new study finds that Donald Trump’s grammar in speeches is “just below a 6th grade level.” ***Which matches perfectly those who are supporting him.
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger walked off-set during an interview on Australia’s “Weekend Sunrise” show Saturday morning after being asked about Donald Trump. Schwarzenegger, who’s currently in Australia to promote a series of fitness events told the show’s host: “This is an interview that I only do about fitness and health, not about politics or my relationships.” ***Apparently the Terminator has a few buttons you can push.
A Missouri couple was relieved beyond belief when sanitation workers tracked down their missing 12.5 carat wedding ring, worth $400,000, after it was accidentally tossed in the trash. Carla Squitieri left her wedding ring and anniversary band in paper towels on the kitchen counter on the evening of March 13. The next morning, her husband noticed the paper towels and threw them in the trash. The couple called the waste service, who said the truck was on its way to a radioactive landfill. They convinced the trash company to move the truck to a transfer station, where they sifted through about 10 tons of waste to find the rings. ***If you can afford to buy a $400,000 ring in the first place, couldn’t you afford to pay someone else to sift through the garbage to find it? http://abcn.ws/1UzFyCN
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A recent survey of more than 7,000 Americans shows that seven out of ten people would rather spend six months in Hades (Hell) than spend six months of their lives without television. ***MARLAR: Obviously, someone is not doing a very good job of telling people what Hell is really like! But then again, considering the current TV lineup, there may not be much of a difference.
Whether they know it or not, most guys stick to the tried-and-true Windsor knot when tying their neckties. According to a Swedish mathematician, the tie is far more versatile than even the most fashionable male could have previously. He recently calculated that there are more than 177,000 different ways to tie a necktie. ***MARLAR: And every single one of them feels like a noose.
After years of wondering, “When will someone invent a pair of pants that allows me to play actual drums on my thighs?”, the question has finally been answered. “Drum Pants” lets users place an electronic strip—that houses programmable sensors—to the inside of clothing, turning your favorite pair of jeans into a electronic drum machine, keyboard or even a video game controller. ***MARLAR: The person sitting next to you on the bus is about to become even MORE annoying.
According to a new study, here’s some news that you probably already figured out for yourself if you’re a fan of Twitter. It seems that a big percentage of the messages posted on the popular micro-blogging web site are pointless rather than vital information! Pear Analytics, a San Antonio-based marketing firm, began its study based on the hypothesis that Twitter is “used predominantly for self-promotion.” But of the 27 million users, only 27% of users are on regularly and in fact, only 1% of users contribute to over 35% of all traffic. And according to their survey, over 40% of all tweets are “pointless babble” — things like “I am eating a sandwich right now.” ***MARLAR: Gee… who knew?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Time Clocks”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Hair & Fitness”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey’s arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, was about to have a concert – and in order to make Mozart look bad, Millard replaced all of the music with sheets of nothing but lines and dots to confuse the musicians. Will his evil sabotage plan work?
CLOSE: Oh no! Why would Steve Mozart show up at Millard’s house? Does he know that Millard was planning to ruin his concert? Is he there to hurt Millard? Tune in again for more of the story, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 26/27
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita – one of the three-part-harmony-singing Cheetah Sisters came up with a brand new song to share with everyone. But it quickly became apparent that this new song not only didn’t have three part harmony – but it didn’t have any harmony at all! It was a solo!
CLOSE: I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of Cheetah Bonita’s new Me-My-I song. Hopefully we’ll hear a new tune next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Imagine suing your employer because of YOUR irrational fear!
George Alberigi worked as a health care case worker for Sonoma County, California, for 14 years, interviewing Medi-Cal clients by phone. Then he applied for a promotion that would require him to go out and meet clients in person. He was denied it because he has panic attacks and agoraphobia, a fear of going out in public. So he went on permanent medical disability and sued the county for not accommodating his disability. A jury awarded him $6.5 million in damages. ***MARLAR: The people on that jury shouldn’t be allowed out in public either.
TOP TEN REASONS TO WATCH GOLF ON TELEVISION
- Fishing just takes too much energy.
- You’re comfortable and the controller is out of reach.
- Because “Lawn Darts” season just ended.
- Cracks you up to hear golfers being referred to as “athletes”.
- The only other things on the TV is cricket, Extreme Football, reruns of last Olympics, and Oprah.
- You wanted to see if your 6″x 8″ divots are average.
- Helps calm you down after a pretty intense game of chess.
- Doctor recommended you slow down your pace of puttering about the house and napping.
- No ushers to “shhh” at you when you go C-R-A-Z-Y after a great shot.
- To share that avalanche of emotion when the winner sinks that $ 900,000 putt and celebrates by touching the brim of his hat.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
She-Hulk is back… she’s bad… she’s 62-years-old… and she’s stopping criminals!
FILE #1: Three Florida robbery suspects led police on a 75-mph chase that ended in a crash in front of a Titusville business. Unfortunately for the crooks, that wasn’t the low point of their day. The business they crashed in front of is managed by 5-foot, 1-inch, 62-year-old grandmother Iris Davis. Iris happens to be a two-time state bodybuilding champion and she tackled one suspect, completely ripping his shirt off and holding him for cops.
FILE #2: In Laurel, Nebraska, 58-year-old Arlie Bichlmeier allegedly tried to rob a bank but must have chickened out because he fled before getting any money. Ironically, witnesses told investigators that the suspect had escaped in a black GMC pickup with the personalized license plate reading, “FINDME.” So they did — about 90 minutes later — parked in a parking lot with his ridiculously obvious plates.
FILE #3: Police in Manchester, Connecticut are looking for an armed robber who forced a Burger King cook to make him a Whopper at gunpoint. The man walked into the restaurant shortly before 10pm and asked if the bathroom was still open. He then went inside and came out with a bandana over his face and brandishing a handgun. Four employees were herded into a walk-in freezer and the manager was forced to open the safe. After taking the cash, the gunman brought the manager back to the freezer and grabbed a cook. He then forced the cook to make him a Whopper with extra cheese and took the order “to go”.
STRANGE LAW: In Mole, Missouri, it’s against the law to frighten a baby.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Federal authorities have a beef with a guy driving a cattle trailer.
…Customs inspectors charge Edwin Fuller had nearly a ton of pot hidden under the trailer’s floor boards. Authorities say Fuller was hauling cattle across the U.S.-Canada border, when X-rays showed there was something fishy about the trailer. A statement from U.S. Customs and Border Protection says officers had to scrape off “the natural byproduct of cows” and unbolt the false panels. Authorities report they found hundreds of plastic bags containing about 1,700 pounds of the illegal weed.
(See today’s TODAY IS above) How do people goof-off in your office?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What down-and-out man is mentioned as having worn a gold earring in his better days?
ANSWER: Job (Job 42:11)
QUESTION: Nearly 4 in 10 women have either decreased or totally stopped (doing what)?
ANSWER: Using Facebook during the past month. Apparently they’ve, “just lost interest.”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Cattle can produce up to 180 liters of saliva in one day. (True)
- There are five universal facial expressions. (False – six. They are: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, anger and surprise.)
- Salt is the most popular spice in the world. (False – black pepper)
- The banana is the world’s largest herb. (True)
- Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of women’s feet. (True)
- The average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of soda in a lifetime. (False – we drink that much water)
- Nolan Ryan was the first baseball player to make over $1 million dollars in a season. (True)
- The toes of mummies were individually wrapped. (True)
- “Mageiricophobia” is the intense fear of having to cook. (True)
- Women shoplift more often than men. (True — the ratio is four to one)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS NEW AMERICAN _________ (FLAG)
The White House reportedly is set to announce a redesign of the American flag.
Reports from sources close to the White House say that President Obama felt that the American flag, “like the Constitution,” was old and needed updating.
The new flag has replaced the white stars and blue background with a picture of Barack Obama.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, “You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that.”
Bobby looked up into her face and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn’t bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, “There, little lady, that’s done!”
“Quiet,” she ordered him. “You’ll wake up my husband. He’s taking a nap in the back seat.”
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it’s easier to go faster when you’re always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”
A toothless man in Brazil was arrested for stealing toothbrushes, and he admitted he had no idea why he did it. ***MARLAR: Sometimes the actual story is funnier than anything I could possibly add.
The average square inch of skin holds 650 sweat glands, 20 blood vessels, 60,000 melanocytes… ***MARLAR: And in my case, about 3 grams of Cheetos dust.
THIS ONE WILL BOLL WEEVIL YOU OVER
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A sign of cruel and unusual punishment of a child?
A Florida schoolboy was forced to stand outside his home with a sign around his neck saying he is a thief. The sign said, “I am a thief, I steal from my parents.” The stepfather of Kendrick Taylor says he wasn’t mistreating the 11-year-old, just humiliating him. The youngster, who took just over a dollar from his mother’s purse, had to stand outside with the sign for two and a half hours. His mother Regina said she hopes the punishment will make him realize the difference between right and wrong. The News-Journal reports a steady stream of drivers slowed down as they passed the boy so they could read the sign. ***MARLAR: It could have been worse though, they could have made him wear a sign saying “Slow Children.”
WISDOM IN THE TIME OF NEED
By Ben Carson
Once when I was operating deep inside a brain, an artery broke loose in an area that I couldn’t see. This resulted in vigorous bleeding. Because we couldn’t see where the blood was coming from, it looked as though we might lose the patient. Without consciously deciding to do so, I just started praying for God’s help. I
have learned to act on intuition in such emergencies.
Just then I did something that, in the telling, seems almost irrational. I placed the bipolar forceps into the pool of blood where the bleeding might be coming from. It started sucking away the blood. I pleaded, “God, you’ve got to stop this bleeding. Please, God, I cannot control it.”
Strange as it may seem at that instant the bleeding stopped without my ever being able to locate its cause. Afterward, the patient awakened and recovered fully.
At another time we had a man from Bermuda who had trigeminal neuralgia (an extremely painful condition of face caused by irritation of the fifth cranial nerve). Before we had methods to treat this condition, many patients committed suicide because of the constant pain.
I had to put the needle into an exceptionally small hole at the base of his skull and pass it up to the level of the ganglion. This process requires a skill in which I had to develop a great deal of proficiency during my days as a medical student. On that particular day, however, no matter what I did, I could not get the needle into
the hole. I had worked at this for nearly two hours before it occurred to me that perhaps I should just give up.
Just before quitting, I finally prayed: “Lord I cannot get the needle in. There is no way I can do it. I am going to take this needle and push it in one more time. I want You to guide it into the hole, because I cannot seem to do it.”
I took the needle, pushed it, and went right through the hole as if it had a mind of its own. A feeling of deep gratitude came over me. I feel that it is a little risky to relate an incident like this because I can almost hear skeptics say, “Oh, come on, Ben, that is ridiculous. Why would you even say a thing like that?”
Yet, for me it is not absurd; it is what I expect. In talking with other Christian surgeons, I have learned that some of them understand because they have experienced similar feelings of God guiding their hands.
When we develop a relationship with God and believe that He is working through us, we still have moments of helplessness — when God has an opportunity to do something for us. This happens when we give our best—which, at the particular moment, does not seem good enough. Ready to give up, we say aloud or silently, “I cannot do anymore, Lord. I need You.”
At such moments we provide God with the opportunity to respond. Truly. “Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)
Read: Psalm 29
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses His name. –Exodus 20:7
Can you imagine anyone bumping into President Bush and saying, “Oh, hi ya, George”? Or bumping into Julia Roberts and saying very rudely, “Well, excuse you!”? I doubt it. People don’t casually disregard celebrities or dignitaries.
So why do people just throw around the name of God, who has done more and is more influential than any human could ever be? It is common to hear people say in conversation, “Oh, my God,” or “Good Lord!” Very truthfully, we should answer back, “He’s my God too!” Or, “Yes, He is good!”
One reason people may say these things is that they don’t realize how powerful and mighty God is. For those who know and love God, it is hurtful to hear people spit out His name with no fear, respect, or reverence toward Him. Some people don’t see it as a big deal, but it is.
First (and most important), God doesn’t want us to misuse His name. He calls it sin (Exodus 20:7). When God set down laws for His people Israel, He warned them that if they did not revere His glorious and awesome name, He would send plagues and disasters (Deuteronomy 28:58).
Second, if we remember all that God has done, creating the whole universe (Genesis 1:1) and giving His Son for every person on the earth (John 3:16), it is unthinkable for us to treat His name without respect. God deserves great honor just because of who He is. Psalm 29 spells out how great God is. His attributes demand the highest esteem.
Re-think who God is. Give Him the respect that is due Him and His name. Take time right now to praise and honor Him for being our faithful, forgiving, saving, merciful, holy, and sovereign Heavenly Father. Then we can sing with the hymn writer Reginald Heber:
“Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All Thy works shall praise Thy name in earth and sky and sea;
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty!
God in three persons, blessed Trinity!
What’s the most number of sick days you’ve taken in a year? One man has taken over 80 per year the last five years!
A judge has taken more than 400 sick days in the last five years… that’s more than 80 sick days per year! (And I thought that I was sick of working!) You might guess that calling in sick that often could get you into trouble… and you’d be right. In fact, the state judicial board has concluded that Los Angeles Judge Patrick Murphy was NOT entitled to the sick days and that he was merely “malingering” (i.e. “goofing off”) while being paid $130,000 a year to be a judge. His excuse? He said he was plagued with various problems and sicknesses… including having a phobia for the job of judging… which is why he left the country and enrolled as a full-time medical student in Dominica while still on the courthouse payroll. ***MARLAR: The JUDGE is claiming to have a phobia of being a JUDGE?!? Why did this guy go to law school?!?!? That’s like saying, “Hey, I’m scared to death of seeing people’s teeth – I think I’ll become a dentist!”
LIFE… LIVE IT
TOP TEN LIES BY CHILDREN
A top psychiatrist says your children won’t pull the wool over your eyes if you recognize and deal with those little lies boys and girls tell their parents. Here are the top ten.
- “I lost my allowance.”
- “No, Mom… I haven’t been watching (the forbidden TV channel.)”
- “I haven’t used the telephone.”
- “I didn’t eat all the candy (ice cream, etc.)”
- “We weren’t fighting…only playing.”
- “I haven’t got any homework.” or “I did it on the bus.”
- “I’ve made my bed and cleaned up my room.”
- “I didn’t smoke a cigarette.”
- “Yes I brushed my teeth.” or “I’ve already washed my hands.”
- “I didn’t do it, Johnny did.”
JUST FOR FUN
DO YOU TAKE THIS FRACTURE AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED…
Some might joke that it’s bad for you health to get married… but in Romania, it could actually be true!
The other day a bridegroom in Romania broke his ankle after falling down the stairs while carrying his new bride. Emil Dumitru had just rescued his bride from kidnappers in the country (a friendly tradition in Romania is to kidnap the bride the night before the wedding), but as he rescued her he fell down stairs while carrying her and broke his ankle. This is actually the second incident of a similar nature to happen in Romania in the last week. The other caused the bride herself to spend time in the hospital. ***MARLAR: Well, they do say “for better or for worse… in sickness and in health… till death do us part…”
Often music will describe for us better than any other medium, the stuff of life. With this in mind check out the following list of hymns.
- The chiropractor’s hymn – STAND UP, STAND UP.
- The electricians hymn – SEND THE LIGHT.
- The rainmaker’s hymn – SHOWERS OF BLESSING
- My kid’s getting even with me hymn – O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME.
- The physical therapist hymn – ONE STEP AT A TIME.
- The WIDE LOAD hymn – PASS ME NOT.
- The fisherman’s hymn – SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER.
- The last payment hymn – SINCE I CAN READ MY TITLE CLEAR.
- The thirsty person’s hymn – THERE IS A FOUNTAIN.
- The slingshot hymn – THERE IS A ROCK.
- The telephone repairman’s hymn – THERE’S A CALL COMES RINGING.
- The dieter’s hymn – THOU, MY EVER LASTING PORTION.
- The car accident hymn – WE SAW THEE NOT.
- The street crossing guard hymn – WHY DO YOU WAIT?
- The home builder’s hymn – A MIGHTY FORTRESS
- The weatherman’s hymn – FROM EVERY STORMY WIND THAT BLOWS
- The salesman’s hymn – ALMOST PERSUADED.
- The insurance man’s hymn – BLESSED ASSURANCE.
- The cowboy’s hymn – DAY IS DYING IN THE WEST.
- The accountant’s hymn – EARTH HOLDS NO TREASURES.
- The scuba diver’s hymn – FAR AWAY IN THE DEPTHS.
- The hearing aid salesman’s hymn – HEAR THE SWEET VOICE.
- The lost traveler’s hymn – HERE WE ARE BUT STRAYING PILGRIMS.
- The new kid in the class hymn – I AM A STRANGER HERE.
- The Vegetable Grower’s Association hymn – I COME TO THE GARDEN ALONE.
- The explorer’s hymn – I HAVE HEARD OF A LAND.
- The watch repairman’s hymn – I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR.
- The lost dog hymn – I’VE WANDERED FAR.
- The nervous groom’s hymn – JUST A FEW MORE DAYS.
- The perfect person’s hymn – JUST AS I AM.
- The Gold Collector’s Association hymn – PURER YET AND PURER.
- The Rock Collector’s Association hymn – ROCK OF AGES.
- The IRS hymn – WE GIVE THEE BUT THINE OWN.
- The coal miner’s hymn – SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
DO YOU NEED TO BREAK YOUR SUGAR HABIT? HERE ARE THREE IDEAS TO TRY
- No More Than 100 Calories Per Day from Added Sugar: As a point of reference, a 12-ounce can of cola contains approximately 130 calories of added sugar. The naturally occurring sugar in fruit, vegetables, grains and dairy doesn’t count.
- Have Fruit for Dessert: Skip the cookies and ice cream and make fruit into your after-dinner treat. You’ll avoid added sugar and get some cancer-fighting antioxidants and fiber from the fruit.
- Drink Smarter: Ditch soda and instead treat yourself to a low-calorie fizzy fruit-flavored seltzer drink using no-sugar-added 100 percent fruit juice.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Nine-year-old Brady Kahle is making a big league effort to help a baseball buddy with brain cancer. After learning that his friend Landen Palatino was diagnosed with the disease in early January, the Springfield, Massachusetts, little leaguer decided to sell off his valuable baseball collection to raise money for Landen’s family. After selling cards at two shows, Brady estimated he sold around 500 cards, netting over $7,000. Now card companies are getting in on the effort. Collectibles giant Upper Deck sent him a care package filled with cards, and around 100 other companies and collectors have also reached out to express their interest. The cause has even caught the attention of the major leagues. On April 21, Brady and Landen were invited to Fenway Park for a special ceremony hosted by the Red Sox.
A recent YouGov survey reveals a poor recall of elementary mathematics, English and science among adults. According to the Guardian, One in five adults has forgotten how to work out either fractions or percentages, and even fewer remember how to calculate the mean, the median or the mode. In English, many showed a similarly shaky grasp of punctuation with almost one in four admitting to not knowing when to use a semi-colon; 18% didn’t know the rules governing the use of an apostrophe; and 17% had forgotten when to use a comma. The basics of science have also faded with 24% unable to remember all the names of the planets in the solar system; 19% said they were unable to either remember or explain the greenhouse effect; while 21% have forgotten photosynthesis.
Representatives from New Tribes Mission shared a modern day miracle over the weekend. Kena, a native lead teacher for the Sunday school and ladies’ ministry for a tribe in the PNG gave birth to her fourth child Friday and had been bleeding since the birth. The doctor in the tribe was unable to stop the bleeding but weather and a lack of daylight hours prevented a New Tribes Mission plane from evacuating her to the nearest hospital and it was feared that she wouldn’t make it through the night. However, soon after missionaries to the village sent out a call for prayer, an SIL Aviation plane made a mistake and landed on the tribes airstrip instead of the one on the other side of the mountain ridge where they were supposed to land. As a result Kena was medivaced to town on that plane and was sent straight to the hospital where she received the help she needed to stop the bleeding. Missionaries to the village called it “yet another reminder that when we pray in faith, God does listen and act on those prayers.”
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Life is what happens to us while we’re making other plans. –Unknown
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 18, 2016…
Divergent: Allegiant—This is the next part of the “Divergent” YA book series, and again stars Shailene Woodley, Theo James, and Miles Teller. This time, Shailene and Theo venture outside of their area and are promptly captured by an previously unknown group. “Divergent Alligant” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Midnight Special—Michael Shannon has a son with special powers, and almost on the supernatural side. What must he do to protect his son from neighbors, governments and anyone else? Also in the cast is Jaeden Lieberher as his son, plus Kristen Dunst and Joel Edgerton. “Midnight Special” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Bronze (finally opening after postponed from Fall 2015)—Melissa Rausch from “The Big Bang Theory” stars in a story of gymnast Hope Annabelle Gregory who won the 2004 Olympics while competing with a torn leg muscle. Now (in this story) she is a has-been and comes back to life when a new gymnast hits town. “The Bronze” is rated R. No rating.
The Little Prince—this is an animated telling of the famous book by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It follows the adventures of a little girl, who is directed by the Aviator and goes into the world of the Little Prince. Voices include Jeff Bridges, Rachel McAdams, James Franco and Paul Rudd. “The Little Prince” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Confirmation—Clive Owen has partial custody of his son (Jaeden Lieberher from “Midnight Special”). Clive is a carpenter and when his tool box is stolen, he and his son go after the crooks. “The Confirmation” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Ben Wheatley’s High Rise—Tom Hiddleston is a lonely man and somewhat solitary. He decides to move into a high-rise apartment building and soon finds that he dislikes his neighbors more and more. Also in the cast are Jeremy Irons and Sienna Miller. “Ben Wheatley’s High Rise” is rated R. No rating.
The Preppie Connection—Thomas Mann stars as a college kid who gets into the drug trade. This is based on a true incident in the 1980’s when a barely-twenty kid started dealing drugs to friends and ended up working with a Colombia drug cartel. “The Preppie Connection” is rated R. No rating.
MARCH 25, 2016…
Batman vs. Superman and oh, it’s the big movie of two super heroes battling it out over something or the other. Henry Cavill is Superman and Ben Affleck is Batman.
Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 continues the story of the original wedding and its hilarity.
I Saw The Light stars Tom Hiddleston as Hank Williams (he does his own singing, too) and was supposed to have been released in Dec., but is opening now. Good film.
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