March 22, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180322
PDF: 20180322

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

People ask me sometimes how I can have so much energy and get up so early in the morning for this job. Well, primarily it’s due to the exorbitant amount of coffee I drink each day. In fact, Juan Valdez just asked me for a cost-of-living raise.

Just learned that our staff meeting was canceled for this morning. You mean, I showered for nothing?!?!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I’m comfortable playing [golf with Gerald Ford], as long as my caddie and I have the same blood type.” – George H. W. Bush

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. –Colossians 3:12

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. — Galatians 5:22-23

Restore us, O God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved. — Psalm 80:7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” — Romans 8:15

Thought: How revolutionary. Just as Jesus prayed to God addressing him as “Abba Father,” we too can speak so frankly and openly with God. “Ab-ba” are some of the earliest syllables babies spoke. The word “Abba” was used by very young children to speak intimately, respectfully, and openly with their earthly fathers. The Holy Spirit gives us that same privilege as God’s children. We can call the Creator of the universe, the Great God of Israel, the Father of all peoples, the Almighty of eternity, Abba! Incredible.

Prayer: Abba Father, thank you for your presence within me through your Holy Spirit. Thank you for letting me address you with such familiarity and boldness, such respect and dependency. Thank you for being my Heavenly Father for eternity. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Lamentations 3:22 NIV = Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 22, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
277 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is AS YOUNG AS YOU FEEL DAY, a day to feel peppy and to stop acting your chronological age.

Today is INTERNATIONAL GOOF-OFF DAY, a day to be oneself: to have fun and to be silly.  ***Known here on the show as “THURSDAY.”

Speaking of goofing-off, Americans waste 18 weeks a year goofing off at work, according to a survey conducted by a national executive-recruiting firm, which showed workers throw the most time away by:

  • Lounging at the water fountain, coffee pot or smoking area

  • Hiding in the rest room

  • Gossiping about co-workers

  • Complaining about the boss

  • Making personal calls on company time

  • Daydreaming

  • Flirting

  • Surfing the web

TODAY IS ALSO…

As Young As You Feel Day
Data Innovation Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)
World Day of Metta

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 24

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour
Endometriosis March Day
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Violations and for Dignity of Victims
World Tuberculosis Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 25

International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of The Unborn Child
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

MONDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Live Long And Prosper Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Purple Day
Spinach Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Education and Sharing Day
National Education and Sharing Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
World Theatre Day
American Diabetes Association Alert Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day

ON THIS DAY

1774: Tommy Thumb’s Song Book, a collection of English nursery rhymes which included “Baa Baa Black Sheep,” was published by Mrs. Mary Cooper.

1882: The U.S. Congress outlawed polygamy.

1894: The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association beat the Ottawa Capitals 3-1 to win the first Stanley Cup. The cup was named for Lord Stanley of Preston because he paid for it: all $44.67.

1918: A flu epidemic started at Fort Riley, Kansas. Within three months, it had spread worldwide and killed 21-million people. ***So who needs nuclear missiles? We’ve got the ultimate weapon — Kansas germs!

1956: Singer Carl Perkins was critically injured, his brother Jay killed, in a Wilmington, Delaware, car crash. They were driving to New York to perform Carl’s hit, “Blue Suede Shoes,” on TV’s Perry Como Show.

1958: 8-year-old Hank Williams Jr. made his singing debut in Swainsboro, Georgia.

1972: The U.S. Congress sent a proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution to the states for ratification. Only 35 states ratified the it; three short of the number needed for approval.

1981: RCA introduced its Selectra Vision laser disc player. ***If it doesn’t sound familiar to you at all, it’s not surprising… it never caught on.

1990: George Bush shocked the world when he announced, “I do not like broccoli and I haven’t liked it since I was a kid and my mother made me eat it, and I’m the President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”

1991: Los Angeles Kings’ owner Bruce McNall and superstar Wayne Gretzky set a world record by buying a baseball card. They paid $451,000 for one of six known Honus Wagner cards.

1997: A powerful new “bullet train” service was launched in Japan, achieving the world’s fastest average speed on a commercial run of 151.4 miles an hour.

1997: Tara Lipinski became the youngest women’s world figure skating champion at age 14 years 10 months,.

1998: A New York motorist, angry at being cut off, used a phony police badge to stop the other car on the Long Island Expressway. The other driver was a real police officer.

1999: Britney Spears’ album “Baby One More Time” was certified triple platinum.

2001: A 45-year-old man was in a Memphis, Tennessee, court facing charges of attempted burglary and drug possession when he was accused of trying to hide cocaine under a courtroom chair. Witnesses said he reached into his shirt pocket and tried to hide a small plastic bag of white powder under a chair leg. A deputy retrieved the packet, the substance tested positive for cocaine, and the defendant had another charge added to his file.

2005: A woman claimed to have found a fingertip while eating Wendy’s chili at a restaurant in San Jose, California. The food chain lost millions before the woman admitted it was all a hoax.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

337: Constantine, the first Christian emperor of Rome, dies at age 47. As emperor, he issued an edict officially tolerating Christianity, though he did little to stave off paganism. He also summoned the Council of Nicea to settle the Arian dispute over the nature of Christ.

1621: In colonial Massachusetts, the Plymouth Colony made a treaty with the neighboring Indians which both sides kept for fifty years.

1638: Religious dissident Anne Hutchinson is expelled from Massachusetts Bay Colony. Questioned about her teachings on grace, she insisted she had received divine revelations. When her examiners asked how she knew these came from God, she replied, “How did Abraham know that it was God that bid him offer his son, being a breach of the Sixth Commandment?” Although Hutchinson repented of her “errors,” her questioners decided she was lying and banished her from the colony.

1758: Jonathan Edwards, one of America’s greatest theologians, dies from the effects of a smallpox vaccination after arriving in New Jersey to accept the presidency of what is now Princeton University.

1819: Birth of Joseph P. Webster, American sacred music writer. During his lifetime, Webster composed over 1,000 pieces of music, including the still-popular hymn tune SWEET BY AND BY (“There’s a Land That is Fairer Than Day”).

1836: Birth of Edgar P. Stites, American Methodist frontier preacher and missionary. Stites is remembered today as author of the hymns “Beulah Land” and “Trusting Jesus.”

1874: The first meeting of the newly established Young Men’s Hebrew Association was held in New York City. Other early “Y’s” were founded in Philadelphia (1875), St. Louis (1880) and San Francisco (1885). (The YMHA became the forerunner of the modern Jewish Community Center.)

1928: The China Trio (Mildred Cable, Eva and Francesca French) head back to China where they continue to win fame as explorers and evangelists of the Gobi desert.

1930: Birthday of Marion Gordon “Pat” Robertson, religious broadcaster, politician and founder in 1963 of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN).

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Celebrity son (Kathie Lee & Frank’s kid) Cody Gifford, 28

  • Actress (Pirates of the Caribbean) Keira Knightley, 35

  • actress (Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Election) Reese Witherspoon 42

  • actress (Laura Winslow on “Family Matters”) Kellie Williams 42 (audio clip)

  • Actor (2 Fast 2 Furious, Hart’s War, Steve Curtis on “ER”) Cole Hauser, 42 (audio clip)

  • actor (Full Metal Jacket, Cutthroat Island) Matthew Modine 59

  • Actress (Chocolat, The Shipping News) Lena Olin, 63

  • TV’s Bob Costas 66

  • TV journalist Wolf Blitzer, 70

  • Composer (Phantom of the Opera) Andrew Lloyd Webber, 70

  • Actor (“Star Trek’s” Capt. James Tiberius Kirk, “Boston Legal”) William Shatner, 87 (audio clip)

  • TV Evangelist Pat Robertson, 88

STAR TREKKIE…

Since it’s William Shatner’s birthday, here are a few signs that Star Trek is taking up a bit too much of your life…

  • Saying “make it so” in casual conversation.

  • Indignation because the periodic table doesn’t include dilithium and tritanium.

  • Able to use “variable phase inverter” in a sentence without excessive thought first.

  • You have figured out the StarDate system.

  • You keep forgetting that present-day elevators don’t have a voice interface.

  • You understand the Klingon language.

  • You’ve lectured any science professor on how transporters work.

  • The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.

  • You have more than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Stephen Sondheim

1932 : Juke Boy Bonner

1936 : Roger Whittaker

1937 : Johnny Ferguson

1943 : George Benson

1943 : Keith Relf (The Yardbirds)

1944 : Jeremy Clyde (Chad & Jeremy)

1944 : Tony McPhee (The Groundhogs)

1946 : Harry Vanda (The Easybeats)

1947 : Patrick Olive (Hot Chocolate)

1948 : Andrew Lloyd Webber

1948 : Randy Jo Hobbs (The McCoys)

1957 : Stephanie Mills

1986 : Amy Studt

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Decaf Coffee… WHY?!?!
An importer, Dr. Ludwig Roselius, ordered a shipment of coffee to be delivered from Europe to his home in the United States. On the way to the US, the entire shipment got wet. Dr. Roselius found that the coffee beans were still brewable. The taste of the coffee brewed from the beans was still good, but the resulting beverage had lost its kick. Thus as a result of this accident decaffeinated coffee was born. The brand name of Sanka was coined in 1903, shortly after the accident. The name is derived from the French language. It comes from sans caffeine, which means without caffeine. Today decaffeinated coffee is still made and is even more popular. When a coffee company takes the caffeine out of their coffee what do they do with the caffeine that is removed? Let’s be economical. We really don’t want to waste anything. The decaffeination process yields pure caffeine. This is a valuable, marketable product. The caffeine is sold to pharmaceutical companies to be used in a number of products. Also much of the caffeine is sold to soft drink companies to be added to their sodas. Now the question is – Why do coffee companies generally charge more for decaf coffee when they are reimbursed for the sale of the eliminated product?

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

President Trump congratulated Russian President Vladimir Putin on his reelection despite getting warnings from multiple national security advisers and briefing materials that reportedly said — in capital letters — “DO NOT CONGRATULATE.” ***Of course, we all know the best way to make a kid want to do something is to tell them they can’t do it.

The world’s last remaining male northern white rhino has died in Kenya at age 45.  ***So much for white privilege.

Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon is apparently serious about it-she’s announced she’s running for governor of New York.  ***If elected, her first order of business is to make it a law that you can’t wear white after Labor Day.

More than 50% of U.S. broadband households surveyed would be willing to pay $5 per month for a smart thermostat service.  ***It’s going to have to be a GENIUS if it’s going to figure out the right temperature my house when I’m always hot and my wife is always freezing.  Good luck with that, Mr. Thermostat.

Melissa Joan Hart is heading back to TV for a “Clarissa Explains It All” reboot. ***Good.  Maybe Clarissa can explain why Hollywood can’t come up with any original TV show ideas.

Someone caught a photo of Ben Affleck’s giant back tattoo. It had been rumored. Now we know there’s a giant Phoenix back there, taking up most of his back.  ***Hold on… that’s the Marvel Universe.  Batman is DC.  BEN AFFLECK IS A TRAITOR!

A 15-year-old boy in Argentina pretended he’d been kidnapped because he didn’t want his dad to know he had failed an exam. He made up a story about being taken away by two men and how he escaped by jumping out of a moving car, but he actually took a bus, traveled around town and showed up again a few days later — without a scratch.  ***So he failed… yet again.

Disney CEO Bob Iger could make up to $423-million over the next four years.  ***Not only that, but he doesn’t have to stand in line!

A Colorado school district is trying out a 4-day school week. ***Big whoop.  I’m not going to be impressed until this is adopted by my employer.

A photo of Jesse James bought on eBay for $10 could be worth as much as $2 million.  ***Meaning he’s still committing highway robbery.

Martina Navratilova is making it known that John McEnroe was paid ten times what she made as announcers at Wimbledon. ***But she’s not bitter at all.

20% of people in the U.S. have a Smart Speaker of some type. Alexa, Google Home, +etc. ***The rest of us are married and have a wife constantly giving us her verbal opinion anyway.

A team funded by Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen discovered the wreckage of the U.S.S. Juneau that was torpedoed by the Japanese and sunk with more than 600 aboard, including five brothers, during World War II. ***So Microsoft gurus can find a lost shipwreck, but still can’t fix the blue screen of death?

McDonald’s has pledged to slash its greenhouse gas emissions at its restaurant and office locations by 36% by 2030.  ***I don’t see how this is possible – I get gas every time I eat at McDonald’s.  Doubly so when the McRib is in stock.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Sleeping on the job might not be a bad thing after all. The web site Business Insider recently released an article that shows a workday nap is beneficial, and possibly even necessary. They say studies have shown napping to improve cognitive function, creative thinking, and memory performance.  ***What I’m saying is that every afternoon around 1pm I’m becoming a better worker.

This may come as no surprise to residents of New York City and other big urban centers: Living there can be bad for your mental health.  Now researchers have found a possible reason why. Imaging scans show that in city dwellers or people who grew up in urban areas, certain areas of the brain react more vigorously to stress. That may help explain how city life can boost the risks of schizophrenia and other mental disorders, researchers said.  Previous research has found that growing up in a big city raises the risk of schizophrenia. And there’s some evidence that city dwellers are at heightened risk for mood and anxiety disorders, although the evidence is mixed.  In any case, the volunteers scanned in the new study were healthy, and experts said that while the city-rural differences in brain activity were intriguing, the results fall short of establishing a firm tie to mental illness.  ***I’ve spent quite a bit of time in downtown (Chicago) and I totally agree – there is something mentally wrong with those people.

A study finds that television may actually do no harm to babies. Research has determined that viewing TV before age two has no impact on a child’s learning ability.  ***GOD BLESS YOU, oh ELECTRONIC BABYSITTER!

Toddlers who have a depressed mom are more likely than other kids to develop behavior problems as they get older. But a recent report finds that the risk of behavior issues, such as being overly aggressive, hyperactive, or withdrawn, can be reduced if toddlers spend just a few hours a day in formal day care.  Overall, children raised by mothers who reported recurrent bouts of depression were almost four times as likely to exhibit behavior problems, including depression, anxiety, withdrawn behavior and aggression. But, half a day in day care significantly reduced the risk of these behavior problems developing by age 5.  ***I used to work in daycare and I have to tell you that I find it very surprising that your kid would actually be better off for a few hours with me than, well, anywhere else on the planet.

Ever wonder how monks make it through those vows of poverty, celibacy and silence? Maybe it’s meth! A Buddhist monk in Burma was recently arrested after police allegedly found 400,000 meth pills in his car – and then another 4.2 million more pills during a search of his monastery.  ***So the secret to world peace is… free meth?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson has been sent to his room for not playing with the new kid in the neighborhood – but then his bed was washed up on the sea and he’s now ashore a beautiful jungle island… and he’s already met the Beach Birds, and now he’s face to face with big 15ft hairy creatures – except for the shorter ones!

CLOSE: Well, at least we know who the creatures are now… they’re Razzleflabbins! But will Marvy be stuck on Razzleflabbin Island forever? Tune in again next time for more of our story – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Imagine suing your employer because of YOUR irrational fear!

George Alberigi worked as a health care case worker for Sonoma County, California, for 14 years, interviewing Medi-Cal clients by phone. Then he applied for a promotion that would require him to go out and meet clients in person. He was denied it because he has panic attacks and agoraphobia, a fear of going out in public. So he went on permanent medical disability and sued the county for not accommodating his disability. A jury awarded him $6.5 million in damages. ***MARLAR: The people on that jury shouldn’t be allowed out in public either.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO WATCH GOLF ON TELEVISION

10. Fishing just takes too much energy.

9. You’re comfortable and the controller is out of reach.

8. Because “Lawn Darts” season just ended.

7. Cracks you up to hear golfers being referred to as “athletes”.

6. The only other things on the TV is cricket, Extreme Football, reruns of last Olympics, and Oprah.

5. You wanted to see if your 6″x 8″ divots are average.

4. Helps calm you down after a pretty intense game of chess.

3. Doctor recommended you slow down your pace of puttering about the house and napping.

2. No ushers to “shhh” at you when you go C-R-A-Z-Y after a great shot.

1. To share that avalanche of emotion when the winner sinks that $ 900,000 putt and celebrates by touching the brim of his hat.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

She-Hulk is back… she’s bad… she’s 62-years-old… and she’s stopping criminals!

FILE #1: Three Florida robbery suspects led police on a 75-mph chase that ended in a crash in front of a Titusville business.  Unfortunately for the crooks, that wasn’t the low point of their day.  The business they crashed in front of is managed by 5-foot, 1-inch, 62-year-old grandmother Iris Davis. Iris happens to be a two-time state bodybuilding champion and she tackled one suspect, completely ripping his shirt off and holding him for cops.

FILE #2: In Laurel, Nebraska, 58-year-old Arlie Bichlmeier allegedly tried to rob a bank but must have chickened out because he fled before getting any money. Ironically, witnesses told investigators that the suspect had escaped in a black GMC pickup with the personalized license plate reading, “FINDME.” So they did — about 90 minutes later — parked in a parking lot with his ridiculously obvious plates.

FILE #3: Police in Manchester, Connecticut are looking for an armed robber who forced a Burger King cook to make him a Whopper at gunpoint. The man walked into the restaurant shortly before 10pm and asked if the bathroom was still open. He then went inside and came out with a bandana over his face and brandishing a handgun. Four employees were herded into a walk-in freezer and the manager was forced to open the safe. After taking the cash, the gunman brought the manager back to the freezer and grabbed a cook. He then forced the cook to make him a Whopper with extra cheese and took the order “to go”.

STRANGE LAW: In Mole, Missouri, it’s against the law to frighten a baby.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Federal authorities have a beef with a guy driving a cattle trailer.

…Customs inspectors charge Edwin Fuller had nearly a ton of pot hidden under the trailer’s floor boards. Authorities say Fuller was hauling cattle across the U.S.-Canada border, when X-rays showed there was something fishy about the trailer. A statement from U.S. Customs and Border Protection says officers had to scrape off “the natural byproduct of cows” and unbolt the false panels. Authorities report they found hundreds of plastic bags containing about 1,700 pounds of the illegal weed.

PHONER PHUN

(See today’s TODAY IS above) How do people goof-off in your office?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What down-and-out man is mentioned as having worn a gold earring in his better days?

ANSWER: Job (Job 42:11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Nearly 4 in 10 women have either decreased or totally stopped (doing what)? 

ANSWER: Using Facebook during the past month. Apparently they’ve, “just lost interest.”

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Cattle can produce up to 180 liters of saliva in one day. (True)

2. There are five universal facial expressions. (False – six. They are: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, anger and surprise.)

3. Salt is the most popular spice in the world. (False – black pepper)

4. The banana is the world’s largest herb. (True)

5. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of women’s feet. (True)

6. The average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of soda in a lifetime. (False – we drink that much water)

7. Nolan Ryan was the first baseball player to make over $1 million dollars in a season. (True)

8. The toes of mummies were individually wrapped. (True)

9. “Mageiricophobia” is the intense fear of having to cook. (True)

10. Women shoplift more often than men. (True — the ratio is four to one)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS NEW AMERICAN _________ (FLAG)

The White House reportedly is set to announce a redesign of the American flag.

Reports from sources close to the White House say that President Trump felt that the American flag, “like the U.S. Government,” was old and needed updating.

The new flag has replaced the white stars and blue background with a picture of Donald Trump.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, she said, “You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that.”

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

JOKE #2

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn’t bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, “There, little lady, that’s done!”

“Quiet,” she ordered him. “You’ll wake up my husband. He’s taking a nap in the back seat.”

JOKE #3

You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it’s easier to go faster when you’re always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah,” the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”

USELESS FACTS

At the NOAA conference in 1972, Roxcy Bolton proposed naming hurricanes after Senators instead of women. ***Which makes perfect sense, seeing as politicians cause almost as (if not more) much damage.

The average square inch of skin holds 650 sweat glands, 20 blood vessels, 60,000 melanocytes… ***And in my case, about 3 grams of Cheetos dust.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THIS ONE WILL BOLL WEEVIL YOU OVER

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A sign of cruel and unusual punishment of a child?

A Florida schoolboy was forced to stand outside his home with a sign around his neck saying he is a thief. The sign said, “I am a thief, I steal from my parents.” The stepfather of Kendrick Taylor says he wasn’t mistreating the 11-year-old, just humiliating him. The youngster, who took just over a dollar from his mother’s purse, had to stand outside with the sign for two and a half hours. His mother Regina said she hopes the punishment will make him realize the difference between right and wrong. The News-Journal reports a steady stream of drivers slowed down as they passed the boy so they could read the sign. ***MARLAR: It could have been worse though, they could have made him wear a sign saying “Slow Children.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WISDOM IN THE TIME OF NEED

By Ben Carson

Once when I was operating deep inside a brain, an artery broke loose in an area that I couldn’t see. This resulted in vigorous bleeding. Because we couldn’t see where the blood was coming from, it looked as though we might lose the patient. Without consciously deciding to do so, I just started praying for God’s help. I

have learned to act on intuition in such emergencies.

Just then I did something that, in the telling, seems almost irrational. I placed the bipolar forceps into the pool of blood where the bleeding might be coming from. It started sucking away the blood. I pleaded, “God, you’ve got to stop this bleeding. Please, God, I cannot control it.”

Strange as it may seem at that instant the bleeding stopped without my ever being able to locate its cause. Afterward, the patient awakened and recovered fully.

At another time we had a man from Bermuda who had trigeminal neuralgia (an extremely painful condition of face caused by irritation of the fifth cranial nerve). Before we had methods to treat this condition, many patients committed suicide because of the constant pain.

I had to put the needle into an exceptionally small hole at the base of his skull and pass it up to the level of the ganglion. This process requires a skill in which I had to develop a great deal of proficiency during my days as a medical student. On that particular day, however, no matter what I did, I could not get the needle into

the hole. I had worked at this for nearly two hours before it occurred to me that perhaps I should just give up.

Just before quitting, I finally prayed: “Lord I cannot get the needle in. There is no way I can do it. I am going to take this needle and push it in one more time. I want You to guide it into the hole, because I cannot seem to do it.”

I took the needle, pushed it, and went right through the hole as if it had a mind of its own. A feeling of deep gratitude came over me. I feel that it is a little risky to relate an incident like this because I can almost hear skeptics say, “Oh, come on, Ben, that is ridiculous. Why would you even say a thing like that?”

Yet, for me it is not absurd; it is what I expect. In talking with other Christian surgeons, I have learned that some of them understand because they have experienced similar feelings of God guiding their hands.

When we develop a relationship with God and believe that He is working through us, we still have moments of helplessness — when God has an opportunity to do something for us. This happens when we give our best—which, at the particular moment, does not seem good enough. Ready to give up, we say aloud or silently, “I cannot do anymore, Lord. I need You.”

At such moments we provide God with the opportunity to respond. Truly. “Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

Read: Psalm 29

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses His name. –Exodus 20:7

Can you imagine anyone bumping into President Bush and saying, “Oh, hi ya, George”? Or bumping into Julia Roberts and saying very rudely, “Well, excuse you!”? I doubt it. People don’t casually disregard celebrities or dignitaries.

So why do people just throw around the name of God, who has done more and is more influential than any human could ever be? It is common to hear people say in conversation, “Oh, my God,” or “Good Lord!” Very truthfully, we should answer back, “He’s my God too!” Or, “Yes, He is good!”

One reason people may say these things is that they don’t realize how powerful and mighty God is. For those who know and love God, it is hurtful to hear people spit out His name with no fear, respect, or reverence toward Him. Some people don’t see it as a big deal, but it is.

First (and most important), God doesn’t want us to misuse His name. He calls it sin (Exodus 20:7). When God set down laws for His people Israel, He warned them that if they did not revere His glorious and awesome name, He would send plagues and disasters (Deuteronomy 28:58).

Second, if we remember all that God has done, creating the whole universe (Genesis 1:1) and giving His Son for every person on the earth (John 3:16), it is unthinkable for us to treat His name without respect. God deserves great honor just because of who He is. Psalm 29 spells out how great God is. His attributes demand the highest esteem.

Re-think who God is. Give Him the respect that is due Him and His name. Take time right now to praise and honor Him for being our faithful, forgiving, saving, merciful, holy, and sovereign Heavenly Father. Then we can sing with the hymn writer Reginald Heber:

“Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!

All Thy works shall praise Thy name in earth and sky and sea;

Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty!

God in three persons, blessed Trinity!

Amen!

LEFTOVERS

SICK DAYS

What’s the most number of sick days you’ve taken in a year? One man has taken over 80 per year the last five years!

A judge has taken more than 400 sick days in the last five years… that’s more than 80 sick days per year!  (And I thought that I was sick of working!)  You might guess that calling in sick that often could get you into trouble… and you’d be right. In fact, the state judicial board has concluded that Los Angeles Judge Patrick Murphy was NOT entitled to the sick days and that he was merely “malingering” (i.e. “goofing off”) while being paid $130,000 a year to be a judge. His excuse? He said he was plagued with various problems and sicknesses… including having a phobia for the job of judging… which is why he left the country and enrolled as a full-time medical student in Dominica while still on the courthouse payroll. ***MARLAR: The JUDGE is claiming to have a phobia of being a JUDGE?!?   Why did this guy go to law school?!?!?   That’s like saying, “Hey, I’m scared to death of seeing people’s teeth – I think I’ll become a dentist!”

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP TEN LIES BY CHILDREN

A top psychiatrist says your children won’t pull the wool over your eyes if you recognize and deal with those little lies boys and girls tell their parents. Here are the top ten.

  • “I lost my allowance.”
  • “No, Mom… I haven’t been watching (the forbidden TV channel.)”
  • “I haven’t used the telephone.”
  • “I didn’t eat all the candy (ice cream, etc.)”
  • “We weren’t fighting…only playing.”
  • “I haven’t got any homework.” or “I did it on the bus.”
  • “I’ve made my bed and cleaned up my room.”
  • “I didn’t smoke a cigarette.”
  • “Yes I brushed my teeth.” or “I’ve already washed my hands.”
  • “I didn’t do it, Johnny did.”

JUST FOR FUN

DO YOU TAKE THIS FRACTURE AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED…

Some might joke that it’s bad for you health to get married… but in Romania, it could actually be true!

The other day a bridegroom in Romania broke his ankle after falling down the stairs while carrying his new bride. Emil Dumitru had just rescued his bride from kidnappers in the country (a friendly tradition in Romania is to kidnap the bride the night before the wedding), but as he rescued her he fell down stairs while carrying her and broke his ankle. This is actually the second incident of a similar nature to happen in Romania in the last week. The other caused the bride herself to spend time in the hospital. ***MARLAR: Well, they do say “for better or for worse… in sickness and in health… till death do us part…”

FUN LIST

ASSOCIATED HYMNS

Often music will describe for us better than any other medium, the stuff of life. With this in mind check out the following list of hymns.

  • The chiropractor’s hymn – STAND UP, STAND UP.
  • The electricians hymn – SEND THE LIGHT.
  • The rainmaker’s hymn – SHOWERS OF BLESSING
  • My kid’s getting even with me hymn – O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME.
  • The physical therapist hymn – ONE STEP AT A TIME.
  • The WIDE LOAD hymn – PASS ME NOT.
  • The fisherman’s hymn – SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER.
  • The last payment hymn – SINCE I CAN READ MY TITLE CLEAR.
  • The thirsty person’s hymn – THERE IS A FOUNTAIN.
  • The slingshot hymn – THERE IS A ROCK.
  • The telephone repairman’s hymn – THERE’S A CALL COMES RINGING.
  • The dieter’s hymn – THOU, MY EVER LASTING PORTION.
  • The car accident hymn – WE SAW THEE NOT.
  • The street crossing guard hymn – WHY DO YOU WAIT?
  • The home builder’s hymn – A MIGHTY FORTRESS
  • The weatherman’s hymn – FROM EVERY STORMY WIND THAT BLOWS
  • The salesman’s hymn – ALMOST PERSUADED.
  • The insurance man’s hymn – BLESSED ASSURANCE.
  • The cowboy’s hymn – DAY IS DYING IN THE WEST.
  • The accountant’s hymn – EARTH HOLDS NO TREASURES.
  • The scuba diver’s hymn – FAR AWAY IN THE DEPTHS.
  • The hearing aid salesman’s hymn – HEAR THE SWEET VOICE.
  • The lost traveler’s hymn – HERE WE ARE BUT STRAYING PILGRIMS.
  • The new kid in the class hymn – I AM A STRANGER HERE.
  • The Vegetable Grower’s Association hymn – I COME TO THE GARDEN ALONE.
  • The explorer’s hymn – I HAVE HEARD OF A LAND.
  • The watch repairman’s hymn – I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR.
  • The lost dog hymn – I’VE WANDERED FAR.
  • The nervous groom’s hymn – JUST A FEW MORE DAYS.
  • The perfect person’s hymn – JUST AS I AM.
  • The Gold Collector’s Association hymn – PURER YET AND PURER.
  • The Rock Collector’s Association hymn – ROCK OF AGES.
  • The IRS hymn – WE GIVE THEE BUT THINE OWN.
  • The coal miner’s hymn – SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DO YOU NEED TO BREAK YOUR SUGAR HABIT?  HERE ARE THREE IDEAS TO TRY

  • No More Than 100 Calories Per Day from Added Sugar: As a point of reference, a 12-ounce can of cola contains approximately 130 calories of added sugar.  The naturally occurring sugar in fruit, vegetables, grains and dairy doesn’t count.

  • Have Fruit for Dessert: Skip the cookies and ice cream and make fruit into your after-dinner treat. You’ll avoid added sugar and get some cancer-fighting antioxidants and fiber from the fruit.

  • Drink Smarter: Ditch soda and instead treat yourself to a low-calorie fizzy fruit-flavored seltzer drink using no-sugar-added 100 percent fruit juice.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

What’s your single biggest risk for cancer? Most Americans get the answer wrong. If you’re a woman, obesity is the single biggest cause of cancer, and if you’re a man, it’s the second leading risk. The American Society of Clinical Oncology just surveyed 4,000 Americans and found a troubling disconnect between what people think about cancer and what’s true. Just 30 percent of those polled knew that obesity is a major risk factor for cancer, ASCO found.
http://on.today.com/2z78xeI

A poll from NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health finds that a majority of white Americans believe they have to deal with discrimination today. Fifty-five percent of white Americans believe white people face discrimination, although less than 20 percent say they’ve ever personally experienced discrimination. Also, 84 percent of white American believe racial and ethnic minorities face discrimination.
http://bit.ly/2yMhPty

How you decorate your office not only says something about who you are, but also sends a not-so-subtle message to your boss that could actually have an impact on how fast you climb the career ladder.  Family photos, kids’ artwork and favorite knickknacks help personalize an office workspace, but too many personal touches and trinkets may reflect poorly on your professional image, according to researchers at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and McGill University in Montreal, Quebec in Canada. How much is too much? It’s an easy answer: 22 percent. That is, if more than one in five items that adorns your office or cubicle is personal in nature, you could be perpetrating an image that is viewed as unprofessional. The researchers found that the image of someone who is professional versus unprofessional reflects the proportion of objects that reference their personal, non-work life. Age and gender have no significant effect, although participants in the study expected women — more than men — to minimize the number of personal items overall.

Most of us who consume diet sodas do so because we don’t want the added calories from the full-sugared version. Before you reach for that Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Sprite Zero or any other diet drink — including artificially sweetened iced tea — know this: These beverages appear to increase the risk of stroke and dementia, according to researchers from the Boston University School of Medicine. And it doesn’t take much to potentially cause harm; a single artificially-sweetened beverage a day seems to increase those chances by nearly threefold, compared with drinking less than one a week. The study suggests, but does not prove, a cause-and-effect link between diet sodas and stroke and dementia. In addition, only a few individuals in the study actually developed dementia or had a stroke, so the absolute risk is quite small.

If you keep nodding off at your desk, your cubicle could be the culprit. Working in a windowless environment can stunt your nighttime sleep, a recent Northwestern University study finds. People who toiled in an office that lacked sunlight slept 47 fewer minutes a night, on average, than those with office windows. One theory: Exposure to natural light helps synchronize your circadian clock, possibly enhancing your production of the sleep hormone melatonin at night, says study author Phyllis Zee, M.D., Ph.D. To counteract the cave effect, spend about a half hour outdoors on your lunch break.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

An act of simple kindness by a waitress in Texas to her ailing customer was caught on camera and went viral on Facebook. Then it caught the attention of a nearby college. Eighteen year old Evoni “Nini” Williams is being praised for helping a customer at her job as a waitress at a Waffle House in La Marque, Texas. The elderly man was struggling to cut his ham – he was on an oxygen tank and was having trouble with his hands. While Evoni cut his ham for him, another customer snapped a photo and posted it on her Facebook page. After the picture went viral, Texas Southern University in Houston took notice and awarded the young lady a $16,000 scholarship. Evoni had been working at the Waffle House to save up money for college.
http://bit.ly/2Dfp0ei

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Texas, a Williamson County Deputy has been fired after allegedly beating a young girl at a local barbecue restaurant. Wilco Deputy Jack Danford was at Oakwood Bar BQ meeting his daughter, Megan, and daughter’s boyfriend, Dahvi Winstead. According to court documents, Danford told his daughter he had been drinking all day. At some point Danford noticed a small dog and petted it. A young girl then came up to start playing with the dog. Megan told police that’s when her father quickly jumped out of his seat and tackled the 12-year-old girl. He then began punching the girl in the face, according to court documents. Megan said she tried to kick, grab and hit her dad in an attempt to get him off the 12-year-old. Her boyfriend also reportedly tried, without success. Another man, Russell Cope, said, “I seen him on top of her, he was hammer fisting her, it was like UFC style.” He attempted to punch Danford in the face, but he told police it didn’t phase the former deputy. That’s when Cope kicked Danford with his steel-toed boot in the head and Danford finally rolled off the victim and appeared unconscious, according to court documents. Megan told police there had been no prior interaction between the young girl and her father. Police arrested Danford for public intoxication, which he reportedly resisted. The victim was taken to a hospital for treatment of her injuries. Danford is now being charged with Injury to a Child, a third degree felony. He had to surrender his badge, and the equipment assigned to him, but not his gun. According to the sheriff, the county did not issue the gun and Danford is able to keep it because he owns it. (FOX 26)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Life is what happens to us while we’re making other plans. –Unknown

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 16, 2018…

Tomb Raider-–Angelina Jolie was the first Lara Croft and I still have the soundtrack from that film. Jolie has gone on to further things in the film industry, including directing. In this reboot of the series, directed by Roar Uthaug, we again meet Lara )Alicia Vikander) , who is the daughter of a famous explorer, played by Dominic West. They search for antiquities and Dad’s company is vast, directed by Kristen Scott Thomas, with an array of gear and guns designed by Nick Fraser. In the film, Lara is searching for her father (aren’t they all?)  She doesn’t quite have the knack for defense but catches on quickly. A water escape is there, and Vikander did many of her own stunts. Reminiscent of “A Wrinkle In Time.“) Every adventure film has to have a villain, and here it is Walton Groggins. Lara gets into one entanglement after another with plenty of chases and escapes. The soundtrack this time around is done by Junkie XL. “Tomb Raider” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Love, Simon—The story line here concerns a teenage boy, Simon (Nick Robinson) who is gay and trying to come out. Unfortunately, someone is trying to blackmail Nick and he learns you must choose your friends with care. The film is adapted from the book “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda.” Also in the cast are Jennifer Garner as Simon’s Mom and Josh Duhamel as his father. “Love, Simon” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MARCH 23, 2018…

Midnight Sun was to have been released last year. It is a story of a young woman with a disease that makes it painful for her to be in the sun.

Sherlock Gnomes is an animated continuance of the gnomes stories and this time, there is a detective gnome trying to solve a case.

Leisure Seeker
 is finally opening and stars Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland as an aging couple on a road trip.

Pacific Rim 2 is a science fiction film about Earth battling alien invaders by building huge robots as fighting machines. Stars John Boyega.

Unsane is directed by Steven Soderbergh and a psychological thriller starring Claire Foy in a mental hospital.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.