March 23, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to another edition of (THE JOCK SHOW)! And please — it’s not necessary to kiss your radio. When you kiss your radio you risk getting spit on your woofer. And a spitty woofer makes (FEMALE ARTIST) sound like (MALE ARTIST)!

Saw something weird on my way to work today. I just saw a pregnant woman on a motorcycle. In black leather maternity chaps.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. — Jeremiah 32:17

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. — Psalm 23:1-3

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace with his blood, shed on the cross. — Colossians 1:19-20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.” Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, “The righteous will live by faith.” — Galatians 3:10-11

Thought: Thankfully, God provided us the Sacrifice that makes us righteous and pays for our sins, because none of us keeps God’s Law perfectly. In his boundless grace, God sent Jesus to do what we cannot do: live a perfect life and offer himself as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. We don’t have to live under law trying to earn our perfection and God’s acceptance. Instead, we live “by faith,” trusting that God will look at us through Christ’s perfection and not our imperfection, judge us based on Jesus’ holiness and not our transgressions, and view us through the Son’s righteousness and not our unrighteousness. In this way, we fulfill the righteousness requirements of the Law, without having to be bound to the “curse of the law.”

Prayer: Almighty and Most Holy God, thank you for your plan of grace that has brought me back from sin and death, and given me a way to live victoriously for you. Thank you, dear Father, for Jesus and his awesome and holy life, and his generous and loving sacrifice for my sins. May the words I say, and the way I live, show that your grace has captured my heart and that true faith in Jesus has changed my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 3:23 NIV = Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 23, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
276 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PUPPY APPRECIATION DAY. ***And remember, “Happiness is a warm puppy.” (Charles Schultz, from the Peanuts comic strip.)

Today is NEAR MISS DAY, marking this date in 1989 when a mountain-sized asteroid passed within 500,000 miles of earth, a close-call, according to NASA.  ***As George Carlin once said: So why do they call these a “near miss”?  Sounds to me like it was a near HIT, gang!

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MARCH 24

International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
Red Nose Day
US Snow Shoe Days
World Tuberculosis Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 25

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour (Not to be confused with Earth Day. This pertains to turning off lights.)
Endometriosis March Day
International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

SUNDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Mothering Sunday
Purple Day: 26
Spinach Day

MONDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Mule Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 28

American Diabetes Association Alert Day
Barnum & Bailey Day
Be Mad Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 30

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day

ON THIS DAY

1743: Handel’s “Messiah” premiered in London. King George rose to his feet during the “Hallelujah Chorus,” prompting the entire audience to rise and creating a tradition that remains during live Messiah performances to this day.

1775: Patrick Henry gave his famous “Give me liberty or give me death” speech. ***Right before they hanged him he fired his speech writer.

1857: The first department store elevator was installed in the E.V. Haughwout store in New York City. *** The operator was asked how he liked his job. He said it had its ups and downs.

1925: Tennessee declared teaching the theory of evolution in schools was illegal because it contradicted the Bible’s account of creation.

1957: The U.S. Army sold its homing pigeons. Took six months to do it. You guessed it — they kept coming back home.

1963: The Beach Boys released “Surfin’ U.S.A.”

1983: President Reagan urged support for the “Star Wars” defense system. ***More recently, President Obama took a weekend off so he and Michelle could attend a Star Wars convention.

1984: The first Police Academy movie opened in theatres throughout the U.S. Five sequels followed. (audio clip)

1985: Singer Billy Joel married uptown model Christie Brinkley. The marriage lasted ten years.

1986: Joseph Shury of Toronto set a world record by playing his flute continuously for 61 hours. ***He would have played even longer; but if he didn’t stop, his neighbors threatened to tar and feather his lips.

1987: Baltimore Orioles’ manager Cal Ripkin sent infielder Cal Ripkin Jr. down to the minor leagues. But Junior would return shortly and for a very long stay.

1989: The Dallas district attorney’s office announced it would not retry Randall Dale Adams for the 1977 shooting death of a police officer. Adams had been convicted of the shooting and had served 12 years in prison before a film, The Thin Blue Line, reexamined his case and documented another man’s confession.

1989: Helen Gainville unveiled a wedding dress in Paris, with embroidered diamonds by Alexander Reza. History’s most expensive dress was valued at $7.3-million.

1993: The York County, Pennsylvania, Pregnancy Coalition sponsored the first Great York County Sex-Out, urging that no sex occur for 24 hours to encourage teenage abstinence. Suggested alternate activities included talking, moonlight walks, cookie-baking, and cold showers.

1998: The movie Titanic won 11 Oscars, tying Ben Hur for most Academy Awards won by a single film. In 2004, Lord Of The Rings, The Return Of The King also took home 11 Oscars.

2002: Girls in Afghanistan were allowed to return to school for the first time in years.

2003: A prank by three ten-year-olds caused $141,700 damage and left their village of Bottighofen, Switzerland, without power. The children were throwing burning sticks into a canal when one of the sticks melted the insulation on a 16,000 volt power line, blowing the town’s main fuses. Some 1,800 residents were without power for four hours..

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

332: Gregory the Illuminator, who converted a nation before Constantine even embraced Christianity, dies. A missionary to his homeland of Armenia, he converted King Tiridates, and much of the kingdom followed suit. Soon Christianity was established as the national religion, with Gregory as its bishop.

1540: In a show of growing support for Henry VIII, Waltham Abbey in Essex became the last monastery in England to transfer its allegiance from the Catholic Church to the newly-established Church of England.

1743: George Friedrich Handel’s oratorio “Messiah” plays in London and is attended by the king, who stood instantly at the opening notes of the Hallelujah Chorus—a tradition ever since (though some historians have suggested it was because he was partially deaf and mistook it for the national anthem). The oratorio was actually quite controversial, since it used the words of God in the theater, and the title only made things worse. Handel compromised a bit by dropping the “blasphemous” title from handbills. It was instead called “A New Sacred Oratorio.”

1877: Mormon fanatic John Doyle Lee was executed by a firing squad for masterminding the Mountain Meadows Massacre. In 1857, a wagon train of 127 Arkansas Methodist emigrants, bound for California, were killed by a party of Mormon settlers and Paiute Indians at Mountain Meadows (near Cedar City), Utah.

1892: Birth of George Arthur Buttrick, English Presbyterian pastor and educator. A teacher at both Union Theological Seminary and Harvard University, Buttrick is best remembered as chief editor of The Interpreter’s Bible (1952-57).

1966: Archbishop of Canterbury Arthur Michael Ramsey met and exchanged public greetings with Pope Paul VI in Rome. It was the first official meeting between heads of the Anglican and Roman Catholic churches in over 400 years.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“Beverly Hills 90210,” “The Nanny”) Nicholle Tom, 39 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Felicity”) Keri Russell, 41 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“21 Jump Street,” “Mobster”) Richard Grieco, 52 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Tank Girl, Cadillac Man) Lori Petty, 54

  • Comedian/actress/writer (“Saturday Night Live”) Terry Sweeney, 57

  • Actress (“LA Law”) Amanda Plummer, 60 (audio clip)

  • Comedian/actor (“The Louie Show”, “Life With Louie”) Louie Anderson, 64 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Granville “Stick” Henely McGhee

1949 : Ric Ocasek (The Cars)
1950 : Phil Lanzon (Uriah Heep)

1951 : Phil Keaggy

1953 : Chaka Khan (Rufus)

1959 : Epic Soundtracks (Swell Maps, Crime and the City Solution and These Immortal Soul)

1965 : Marti Pellow (Wet Wet Wet)

1968 : Damon Albarn (Blur)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Just what exactly is “method” acting anyway?

Acting is about the only activity where you don’t get locked up for pretending that you are someone else. (In politics they do put you away if your illusion doesn’t account for what you did with large sums of money.) Onstage there is more than one way to play “let’s pretend.” You can work from the outside, consciously modifying your speech, body language and mannerisms to turn yourself into someone else. Or you can find something within yourself – a memory of something in your childhood, say – that enables you to sympathize with your character’s motives, almost becoming that character. The latter approach, developed early in the 20th Century by Konstantin Stanislavsky of the Moscow Art Theater, is called method acting and is today identified with the Actor’s Studio.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

It was mom to the rescue over the weekend for Jodi of Love and the Outcome. Jodi posted: If there was ever a weekend I needed my mom it was this one. In between four amazing Canadian shows and tons of travel, Milo got sick & I couldn’t figure out what was wrong & I felt like a rookie mom. The beautiful thing is the Lord knew what I needed before I asked. Out of the blue I got a text from my mom saying she was road tripping 13 hours from Winapeg to our Calgary show!! The Lord knew how much I needed her. https://www.instagram.com/p/BR3_gWrlIlb/

Matthew West posted this week: Just wanted to show you guys some early brainstorms for my new album cover. One suggestion involved riding a large rubber ducky. Check it out and let Matthew know what you think. https://www.instagram.com/p/BR3oXMugB7L/

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard has been practicing; not on the guitar or for a new song. He posted a picture holding a young child. Baby Steingard is due soon. https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/844317647823024128/photo/1

Some thoughts from Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey on Good Friday: Why do we call Good Friday good? Well, maybe we call it good simply because we know what happened three days later. But isn’t that the problem with life? We have to live it forwards, and often can only gain proper perspective as we look backwards. When I look back to the day when Jesus ascended Calvary, bloodied, beaten, and forsaken, I can only surmise, Good Friday was the worst Friday until Sunday. https://www.instagram.com/p/BR59-0wDb19/

The Blackwood Brothers Quartet issued an update on member Mike Helwig’s battle with ALS this week. In an open letter this week, the quartet posted: What began as some mobility issues and an earlier misdiagnosis of MS became the grim diagnosis of ALS on February 16th, 2016. When Mike joined us four-and-a-half years ago we would have never imagined this future. As his physical challenges have increased over the past year, we have adapted and done everything we know to do to accommodate his needs, seeking to extend the length of time he would be able to travel with us to its limits. Unfortunately, Mike has determined that he has reached those limits. And so, we have come to that point we have been avoiding for the past year. Last Saturday was Mike’s final full concert with the Blackwood Brothers. On as positive a note as possible, Mike will continue to make special appearances with us as his health and our travel permits. Please keep Mike and his wife, Leslie, their children, and us, his brothers in the Blackwood Brothers, in your prayers.

Building 429 member Aaron Branch says his bracket is broken. After last weekend’s games Aaron posted: “Well, I might as well throw my bracket in the trash at this point!”

Britt Nicole’s latest song is titled Be the Change. Now she is asking you to tell your be the change story. Britt posted this week: Make a quick selfie video of yourself telling us how you have been able to be the change and hashtag #mybethechangestory https://www.instagram.com/p/BR1Y8uGD0c3/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Trump loyalist Roger Stone, who’s under investigation for possibly colluding with the Russians to defeat Hillary Clinton, has a Richard Nixon back tattoo. ***Question… how many tattoo parlors do you have to visit before you find one that has Richard Nixon in the catalog of choices?

On Tuesday, President Trump signed a nearly $20-billion funding bill for NASA, setting the goal of putting humans on Mars. ***First to go – everyone working at CNN and MSNBC.

In Maplewood, New Jersey, a 5th grade teacher thought it would be a good idea to have a slave auction, where white kids sold black kids. ***Correction – make that FORMER 5th grade teacher. There is no coming back from this one with your job intact.

Those packets of wildflower seeds Cheerios is giving away to help grow flowers for honey bees? It turns out in some states those seeds are considered noxious, invasive and illegal. ***Be glad you don’t work in the General Mills promotions department and are in tomorrow morning’s emergency meeting.

A Philadelphia man is suing a New York City bar, saying he was refused service because he was wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat. ***Actually, I have to side with the bar owners on this one. Not because you’re a Trump supporter – but because it’s impolite to wear a hat at the table.

The new Samsung Galaxy S8 will have Samsung’s version of Siri, called “Bixby.” ***If it’s the voice of Bill Bixby you’ll want to pass though – you don’t want to risk getting him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

They’ve struck a deal with the cast of “The Big Bang Theory” and so it will stick around for two more seasons and then wrap things up. ***Good thing. Another couple of years and we’d have had stories of Sheldon living in a nursing home.

North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-un has released a propaganda video showing a U.S. aircraft carrier being blown up and a bomber shot down in flames. ***Okay, now it’s getting serious. North Koreans are learning Photoshop!

Facebook has introduced a new feature called “Town Hall” to get users more involved in the political process. ***Finally! It’s about time Facebook created a way for us to talk about politics!

Trouble in Pennsylvania where State Troopers in Schuylkill County say a 23-year-old woman claimed she shoveled the snow out of a parking spot only to have her 43-year-old neighbor’s husband park his pickup in it. Well the two women started arguing over the issue and that lead to pushing, punching and ultimately yes, pulling each other’s hair!! Both were arrested and both charged with disorderly conduct. ***Sounds to me like legislators need to get on the ball and as soon as possible pass a bill to outlaw snow.

An Oregon woman is being accused of leaving seven children at her home day care center while she went to a tanning booth. ***It’s not as irresponsible as it sounds though – she did strap them all down with duct tape before leaving so they wouldn’t get into trouble.

Parents at a Florida school called Innovation Park Middle School want the name changed because of the acronym “IPMS.” ***The school hasn’t even opened yet and already they’re creating trigger warnings. I would comment about how stupid it is to make this an issue, but you gotta admit that as long as it probably took them to come up with the name, and all the iterations they probably tried out before settling on this one, you’d think somebody might’ve written down the acronym just to see what it looked like.

Because of the current bread shortage in Venezuela, the government has taken over all of the country’s bakeries. ***Government bread. Gee, you know that’s going to be some tasty stuff.

French authorities called to a robbery location found the suspected thief stuck in a hole he’d made with a hammer in a store window. When police arrived, they found the man half-in and half-out of the hole. ***Why can’t all criminals be as courteous to law enforcement as this guy – to capture themselves?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a survey, one in 12 people would rather break their arm than do their taxes.  ***Wait… breaking my arm in a valid option?  I choose that!

After more than a decade as the world’s favorite car color, silver is falling in popularity. PPG Industries, the leading supplier of automotive paints, says 25 percent of the vehicles last year were white, up 3 percent from the year before. Silver and black tied for second, with 18 percent each. White dominates in Europe, North America and Asia. Only in South America is silver still king. ***White is also at the top in South Africa, but that’s just because they’re racist.

What’s an extra inch in height worth? A study found it could mean up to $800 a year in extra income. Researchers found that tall people tend to earn more money and win more respect at work. They found a height advantage even in jobs where being tall isn’t a qualification — in other words, they didn’t just look at pro basketball players. Some good news for the non-tall: the researchers also said being short doesn’t appear to be a prohibitive disadvantage. Hard work, motivation and intelligence help bridge the gap. ***Taller means more money. This is exactly why I’m growing my hair longer so I can have a beehive hairdo.

According to research, our brains get rid of their waste while we sleep. ***In a related story, a majority of Congress suffers from insomnia.

A scientist in Transylvania has come up with a new artificial blood. ***Vampires are already arguing over whether it tastes great or is less filling.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson has just arrived home from a very busy day at school, and he was getting really tired of having to be so busy all of the time. Working all day at school, working on homework, working on chores, and now his father wants him to work at cleaning up his room!

CLOSE: What exactly is a weekly calendar clock-tower good for? Tune in again next time As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Patricia Freund may have the best job in America.

She basically does absolutely nothing and it pays her $82,000 a year. Patricia, who “works” as the New York Liquor Authority’s director of wholesale services says, “I don’t think I’ve done more than two days’ work in three years.” This interesting tid-bit was offered as an example of how bureaucracies deal with “problem” workers who are hard to fire. She was exiled to an office with no work and no responsibilities which she said was in retaliation for raising a stink about Governor George Pataki’s Christian prayer breakfasts and Jesus-laden mementoes, which she said was discriminatory toward Jewish employees, such as her. Apparently the higher ups figured she’d eventually quit but so far — that hasn’t happened.  ***MARLAR: Why would she?  She’s getting paid 82-thousand a year to do NOTHING!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LESSONS WE CAN LEARN FROM NOAH

10. Don’t miss the boat.

9. Try to remember that we’re all in the same boat.

8. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark, you know.

7. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

6. Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

5. Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

4. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic that was built by professionals.

3. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.

2. Two heads are better than one.

1. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There’ll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man tries to tackle a career in bank robbery.

FILE #1: It didn’t turn out exactly the way he had planned when 50-year-old John Wesley Bradley of Nashville tried bank robbery. Bradley entered a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he was committing a robbery and had a gun. When the teller didn’t immediately respond, Bradley left. However, the story didn’t end there as the 26-year-old teller followed him outside, saw that he didn’t appear to be armed and tackled him in the grass as police arrived.

FILE #2: In Poland, two crooks broke down in tears during a recent bank robbery. They weren’t sorry for what they were doing, but were sprayed in the eyes with pepper spray. It seems they tried to use pepper spray on a cashier who was in front of an air conditioning unit. The wind blew the spray back into their faces, forcing them to stagger empty handed out to their waiting getaway car.

FILE #3: “Catch Me If You Can” – a great title for a movie, but not a great way to live.  In Brooklyn, New York, Abdullah Darby sent a threatening letter to the cops, filled with a white powder and concluding with the words “Catch me if you can.” The New York cops were up to the challenge, even though Darby made it easy for them. Right after “Catch me if you can” he signed his real name. And he included his return address on the envelope.

STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, GA, it is illegal to say “Oh, Boy.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A stash of grass can take the place of a lot of gas, but it won’t do anything for mileage.

A man from Sandy, Utah, took his newly acquired, used SUV to a mechanic to find out why the gas gauge always read half-full. The mechanic in Sandy looked inside the gas tank and found about 35 pounds of marijuana in plastic-wrap packages that filled about half the tank’s volume. Police estimate the pot is worth about $35,000. The Nissan Armada has had several different owners and was once a rental car. Sandy police are trying to figure out who stashed the pot but say the current owner is not a suspect. Investigators in the town south of Salt Lake City say the drug packs could have been in the tank for months.

PHONER PHUN

Best toy that you grew up with? Still have it?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To what city did Lot and his family flee?

ANSWER: Zoar (Genesis 19:22)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

ANSWER: Niagara Falls – the rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Grand Island, Nebraska was the first city in the U.S. to put fluoride in their water. (FALSE… Grand Rapids, Michigan was first.)

  2. While Timothy McVeigh was in prison, he received four proposals for marriage from women. (TRUE… sickos.)

  3. 4 out of 10 guys will end a relationship over the phone. (FALSE… it’s only 2 out of 10. See, we’re not as bad as you thought ladies!)

  4. Before becoming a famous actor, Harrison Ford’s biggest claim to fame was being the voice for the famous TV ad line — “Secret, strong enough for a man but made for a woman.” (FALSE… that line was actually done by William H. Macy who starred in “Fargo” and “Jurassic Park III”)

  5. Green has become the most popular car color in America. (FALSE… it’s white, and has been for a long time.)

  6. When Congress was first created, the first Congressmen were paid only $1 a day. (FALSE… but it wasn’t all that much better… it was 6 dollars per day – and they didn’t get a pay raise until 1814!)

  7. Baseball great Jackie Robinson was the only person to letter in four sports at UCLA.  (TRUE… and of all of the sports he lettered in, he supposedly liked baseball the least.)

  8. Mr. Peanut is the creation of a child.  (TRUE… Mr. Peanut was created in 1916 by a 14-year-old Suffolk, VA, boy who won $5 in a design contest sponsored by the Planters Peanuts.)

  9. If Brooklyn became independent of New York City, New York would still be the largest city in the U.S.  (TRUE… second would be Los Angeles, and third would be Brooklyn again!)

  10. The world’s smallest mammal is a bat.  (TRUE… it’s the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GIANT _____ BREEDING IN SUBWAY SYSTEM (RATS)

A rare breed of giant rat is terrorizing the New York City subway system.

The latest in a string a giant rat sightings was caught on video in the Bronx. Even more frightening is the news that, according to a veterinarian from the Bronx Zoo, the rat in the video recently gave birth. Rat litters typically have 8 to 12 babies, but can have as many as 16 or 18.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

JOKE #2

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair recently. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. It is a major component in acid rain

3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. Accidental inhalation can kill you

5. It contributes to erosion

6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

JOKE #3

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.  Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.  Then the first man said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!” said the second, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” he replied.  “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.'”

USELESS FACTS

William Faulkner refused a dinner invitation from JFK’s White House. “Why that’s a hundred miles away,” he said. “That’s a long way to go just to eat.”

Cave explorers in Croatia have discovered what they think is the world’s steepest underground vertical drop: a cave that steadily descents 203 feet, then suddenly plunges 1,693 feet straight down.  ***The guy who first discovered the drop was quoted as saying, “AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

WANT TO PLAY?

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

FREEZE, AND DROP THE SHARPIE!

A city in Georgia has made it a crime for anyone under the age of 18 to be in possession of spray paint or felt-tip markers.

…Smyrna may be the first city in the state (maybe even the country) to ban the sale of what police call “graffiti tools” to those under 18. In addition to banning the sale of certain materials to minors, the order requires merchants to keep such items in areas inaccessible to customers. In other words, behind the counter. As weird as the American Civil Liberties Union sometimes gets, even they say the laws are “ridiculous”. The laws also require property owners to remove graffiti within five days of being notified by city officials. Until now officers encountering suspected gang members with spray cans, were powerless to prevent any vandalism, even though they suspected the gangs were writing graffiti. ***MARLAR: So now we’re making the ownership of absolutely ordinary, mundane things a crime simply because they might be used for something illegal. Heck, I can do that with a butter knife and a stapler… should we outlaw those things too?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ROSE WITHIN

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.

He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, “How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom… it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

This is one of the characteristic of love… to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life… all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the “rose” within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

JAIL FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Read: Romans 6:15-23

When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. –Romans 6:20

From the outside, all jails look alike. You see one, you’ve seen them all. But from the inside, some prisons rate better than others.

(We’re talking real jails here, not the school library, where you’ve been cooped up working on a big paper or the mail room that you feel you are a prisoner to.) Several years ago, The Associated Press published an inmates’ list of the nation’s 10 best jails. Included in the survey were evaluations of cell capacity, TV service, meal quality, and visitation rights.

The results indicated that some jails offer a pretty nice life: a good library, smoke-free accommodations, continuing education. But the Fairbanks Correctional Center in Alaska ranked at the top with its capacity of 194 dormitory-style bunks in single cells, cable TV, regular contact visits, and varied and plentiful meals.

That got me to thinking about a believer’s relationship with Christ. To someone “on the outside,” it can look like a form of imprisonment. To an unbeliever, all that church and morality stuff may seem worse than going to prison.

But from the inside, obedience to God actually opens the door to a whole new world of freedoms. Set free from the penalty of sin and the burden of guilt, we are open to make choices that bring lasting happiness and avoid bad consequences.

The apostle Paul, who wrote a lot of the New Testament, was familiar with the inside of a cell. He also knew that whether we become a slave to sin or to God is not a matter of doing time. It’s a matter of the heart. Paul had learned that with bondage to sin comes an ever-increasing hunger for the kinds of thoughts and behavior that bring dishonor to the Lord.

But with slavery to God comes an ever-increasing desire to do good, to love, and to be grateful for the freedoms that bring no regret. –MD

LEFTOVERS

THE MAN PILL

Researchers at the University of Kansas and the University of Kansas Medical Center are developing a male contraceptive, a hormone-free pill that men could take weekly or monthly.  ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, there are a few possible side-effects of having a pill for men.  Men could…

  • start asking directions while driving.

  • cry when they watch ESPN.

  • start winning arguments with their wives.

  • suddenly recall some random statement their wife made 12 years ago and give her the silent treatment all weekend because of it.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Most of the time when people think of super fruits or healing plants, they don’t tend to think of bananas. Maybe they should.

…Bananas are powerhouses of protective ingredients, and are especially good for mind and mood. For starters, bananas are rich in natural fiber. As most people are aware, Americans typically get too little fiber in their diets. Bananas are a well known source of potassium, an essential nutrient that helps to maintain proper fluid balance in the body. From a protective standpoint, bananas are high in a variety of compounds, many of which are antioxidants. While blueberries, mangos and other fruits get more time in the antioxidant spotlight, bananas are especially loaded with these compounds, thereby helping to reduce premature aging of the body’s cells. Bananas are a great source of the super-protective compounds kaempferol and quercetin. These compounds have been extensively studied, and are known to protect cells, reduce inflammation, fight numerous types of tumors, protect nerves, enhance blood circulation, and reduce the risk of a number of diseases. Bananas also contain high amounts of rutin, a compound that complements the activity of vitamin C, and helps to maintain strong, flexible blood vessels.  ***MARLAR: Although you have to be careful, as there is a danger in eating bananas.  No amount of antioxidants are going to save you from slipping on banana peels.

JUST FOR FUN

Imagine living with 154 tons of garbage in your house. One man lived that way for several years.

Workers equipped with a bulldozer, face masks and a court order have removed 154 tons of garbage from a man’s home outside Madrid. The job took two weeks, with 30 truckloads of trash hauled away from the house and surrounding area. Municipal officials got a court order after the owner, 58-year-old Antonio Villalba, refused repeated requests from neighbors and city officials to clean up his yard and house. It stank and there were rats on the premises, according to a local newspaper. The house was so packed with everything from tin cans to car parts that the man lived in a tiny compartment in the back and reached it through a tunnel carved out of the garbage, reports said. ***MARLAR: Which reminds me, it’s my turn to clean the radio station’s break room…

FUN LIST

EXCUSES FOR NOT FILING YOUR TAXES (audio clip)

  • The short form is too stinkin’ long.
  • You’re still in shock from last year.
  • You think the EZ form is fake because they spell the word “easy” with just two letters.
  • Your only liquid assets say “just add water”
  • You have questions about adjustments and can’t get any answers from your chiropractor.
  • You think the 1040 form has to be filled out when the clock reads exactly 10:40.
  • Hey, no worries! You already did your taxes last year!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How much time to you spend in your life each year shopping for shoes?

Yahoo Shine Reports that a recent marketing research project shows the average woman makes 301 shopping excursions each year and spends about 400 hours buying clothes, books, food and toiletries. This adds to women spending 8.5 years or 3,148 days of their lives shopping.  Here’s the breakdown of the amount of time spent shopping for specific retail items each year:

  • Clothes – 30 times, total 100 hours and 48 minutes

  • Shoes – 15 times, 40 hours and 30 minutes

  • Accessories – 18 times, 29 hours and 31 minutes

  • Food – 84 times, 94 hours and 55 minutes

  • Books – 57 times, 31 hours and 21 minutes

  • Toiletries – 27 times, 17 hours and 33 minutes

  • Gifts – 19 times, 36 hours and 17 minutes

  • Window Shopping – 51 times, 48 hours and 51 minutes  ***MARLAR: And even stranger, they NEVER come home with new windows.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A lawyer is fighting to keep a U.S. Army veteran who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan from being deported to Mexico. Army Private First Class Miguel Perez, Jr., 38, says he has been fighting deportation for roughly five years after mistakenly believing his service in the military made him a U.S. citizen by default. http://abcn.ws/2mOOyaN

A 10-year-old California girl is looking to change the world one bracelet at a time. Leah Nelson started “Becuz I Care”, a program to encourage people to treat each other with kindness. What she asks is simple — just do a nice deed for another, whether it’s paying a compliment or buying a coffee. Then seal the deal with a bracelet, compliments of Leah. The bracelet is to be passed from person to person as each does a good deed for another. http://bit.ly/2mKnolo

A high school senior in Newton, Kansas, made sure his “promposal” was a special one. Shaedon Wedel asked his best friend’s little sister, Carlie Wittman, who has Down syndrome to the dance — and the heartwarming moment was captured on video. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole time watching the video, and I’m sure the same will be true for you. http://bit.ly/2nDDAZH

After months of chilly temps, we’re finally heading for more sunshine and fewer snow days. But with the warmer weather also comes the urge (okay, obligation) to organize, declutter and scrub the house from top to bottom. According to People.com, The key to making spring cleaning a little less daunting is to double-check you have all the essential tools before you begin. They have organized a shopping list of the necessities you shouldn’t be without when embarking on a full-force home refresh. This complete spring cleaning shopping list will help you tackle every room in the house. Find the full list at http://peoplem.ag/OgPxXSv

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The end of the show already? My how time flies when you spend the entire program trying to think of something witty and amusing to say at the end of the show.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast —How many films on this topic have already been made? It doesn’t matter because each one will earn a gazillion dollars anyway. This time around, Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) has the role of the Beast who waits in his enchanted castle for a beautiful girl to love him. Enter Emma Watson as “Belle,“ and the castle includes talking cups, saucers, teapot, etc. These characters are played by Luke Evans, Ewan McGregor (oh, he is Gaston), Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts and Stanley Tucci. Get ready to have everyone in your family singing familiar songs. “Beauty and the Beast” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Free Fire—This action film is set in Boston in 1978 when two gangs meet in a deserted warehouse and decide to settle things once and for all. The tag line for the film is “All Guns, No Control.” The cast includes Enzo Cilenti, Sam Reilly, Brie Larson, Armie Hammer and Sharlto Copley. “Free Fire” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, this film is set in Columbia and concerns locking 80 American executives in a high-rise where a mysterious voice (aren’t they always??) tells them what to do to, and if you don’t, you die. Stars include Tony Goldwyn, Michael Rooker and John C. McGinley. “Belko Experiment” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 24, 2017…

Power Rangers is a remake of the TV series and the kids are back in action.

Chips concerns the two motorcycle policeman from the TV series. Stars Dax Shepard.

Wilson has Woody Harrelson as a man who has yet to met his teenage daughter.

Life is a science fiction movie concerning astronauts on a space station. Stars Ryan Reynolds.

Their Finest Hours centers on making a British propaganda film during WWII. Stars Gemma Atherton.

Tommy’s Honour concerns the early game of golf in 19th century Scotland. Stars Sam Neill.

Car Dogs is a term for low down used car salesmen. The best film about this is “Used Cars” with Kurt Russell. The cast of “Car Dogs” includes George Lopez.

Last Fall is set in Liberia during a civil war there. Stars Javier Bardem.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.