March 23, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180323
PDF: 20180323

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to another edition of (THE JOCK SHOW)! And please — it’s not necessary to kiss your radio. When you kiss your radio you risk getting spit on your woofer. And a spitty woofer makes (FEMALE ARTIST) sound like (MALE ARTIST)!

Saw something weird on my way to work today. I just saw a pregnant woman on a motorcycle. In black leather maternity chaps.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I want a one-armed economist so that the guy could never make a statement and then say ‘on the other hand…’” – Harry S. Truman

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. — Jeremiah 32:17

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. — Psalm 23:1-3

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace with his blood, shed on the cross. — Colossians 1:19-20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law.” Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, “The righteous will live by faith.” — Galatians 3:10-11

Thought: Thankfully, God provided us the Sacrifice that makes us righteous and pays for our sins, because none of us keeps God’s Law perfectly. In his boundless grace, God sent Jesus to do what we cannot do: live a perfect life and offer himself as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. We don’t have to live under law trying to earn our perfection and God’s acceptance. Instead, we live “by faith,” trusting that God will look at us through Christ’s perfection and not our imperfection, judge us based on Jesus’ holiness and not our transgressions, and view us through the Son’s righteousness and not our unrighteousness. In this way, we fulfill the righteousness requirements of the Law, without having to be bound to the “curse of the law.”

Prayer: Almighty and Most Holy God, thank you for your plan of grace that has brought me back from sin and death, and given me a way to live victoriously for you. Thank you, dear Father, for Jesus and his awesome and holy life, and his generous and loving sacrifice for my sins. May the words I say, and the way I live, show that your grace has captured my heart and that true faith in Jesus has changed my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 3:23 NIV = Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MARCH 23, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
276 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PUPPY APPRECIATION DAY. ***And remember, “Happiness is a warm puppy.” (Charles Schultz, from the Peanuts comic strip.)

Today is NEAR MISS DAY, marking this date in 1989 when a mountain-sized asteroid passed within 500,000 miles of earth, a close-call, according to NASA.  ***As George Carlin once said: So why do they call these a “near miss”?  Sounds to me like it was a near HIT, gang!

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MARCH 24

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour
Endometriosis March Day
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Violations and for Dignity of Victims
World Tuberculosis Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 25

International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of The Unborn Child
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

MONDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Live Long And Prosper Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Purple Day
Spinach Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Education and Sharing Day
National Education and Sharing Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
World Theatre Day
American Diabetes Association Alert Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day

FRIDAY MARCH 30

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day
Pencil Day
Torrents Day
Virtual Vacation Day
World Bi-polar Day
World Marbles Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
Terri’s Day
World Backup Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

ON THIS DAY

1743: Handel’s “Messiah” premiered in London. King George rose to his feet during the “Hallelujah Chorus,” prompting the entire audience to rise and creating a tradition that remains during live Messiah performances to this day.

1775: Patrick Henry gave his famous “Give me liberty or give me death” speech. ***Right before they hanged him he fired his speech writer.

1857: The first department store elevator was installed in the E.V. Haughwout store in New York City. *** The operator was asked how he liked his job. He said it had its ups and downs.

1925: Tennessee declared teaching the theory of evolution in schools was illegal because it contradicted the Bible’s account of creation.

1957: The U.S. Army sold its homing pigeons. Took six months to do it. You guessed it — they kept coming back home.

1963: The Beach Boys released “Surfin’ U.S.A.”

1983: President Reagan urged support for the “Star Wars” defense system. ***More recently, President Obama took a weekend off so he and Michelle could attend a Star Wars convention.

1984: The first Police Academy movie opened in theatres throughout the U.S. Five sequels followed. (audio clip)

1985: Singer Billy Joel married uptown model Christie Brinkley. The marriage lasted ten years.

1986: Joseph Shury of Toronto set a world record by playing his flute continuously for 61 hours. ***He would have played even longer; but if he didn’t stop, his neighbors threatened to tar and feather his lips.

1987: Baltimore Orioles’ manager Cal Ripkin sent infielder Cal Ripkin Jr. down to the minor leagues. But Junior would return shortly and for a very long stay.

1989: The Dallas district attorney’s office announced it would not retry Randall Dale Adams for the 1977 shooting death of a police officer. Adams had been convicted of the shooting and had served 12 years in prison before a film, The Thin Blue Line, reexamined his case and documented another man’s confession.

1989: Helen Gainville unveiled a wedding dress in Paris, with embroidered diamonds by Alexander Reza. History’s most expensive dress was valued at $7.3-million.

1993: The York County, Pennsylvania, Pregnancy Coalition sponsored the first Great York County Sex-Out, urging that no sex occur for 24 hours to encourage teenage abstinence. Suggested alternate activities included talking, moonlight walks, cookie-baking, and cold showers.

1998: The movie Titanic won 11 Oscars, tying Ben Hur for most Academy Awards won by a single film. In 2004, Lord Of The Rings, The Return Of The King also took home 11 Oscars.

2002: Girls in Afghanistan were allowed to return to school for the first time in years.

2003: A prank by three ten-year-olds caused $141,700 damage and left their village of Bottighofen, Switzerland, without power. The children were throwing burning sticks into a canal when one of the sticks melted the insulation on a 16,000 volt power line, blowing the town’s main fuses. Some 1,800 residents were without power for four hours..

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

332: Gregory the Illuminator, who converted a nation before Constantine even embraced Christianity, dies. A missionary to his homeland of Armenia, he converted King Tiridates, and much of the kingdom followed suit. Soon Christianity was established as the national religion, with Gregory as its bishop.

1540: In a show of growing support for Henry VIII, Waltham Abbey in Essex became the last monastery in England to transfer its allegiance from the Catholic Church to the newly-established Church of England.

1743: George Friedrich Handel’s oratorio “Messiah” plays in London and is attended by the king, who stood instantly at the opening notes of the Hallelujah Chorus—a tradition ever since (though some historians have suggested it was because he was partially deaf and mistook it for the national anthem). The oratorio was actually quite controversial, since it used the words of God in the theater, and the title only made things worse. Handel compromised a bit by dropping the “blasphemous” title from handbills. It was instead called “A New Sacred Oratorio.”

1877: Mormon fanatic John Doyle Lee was executed by a firing squad for masterminding the Mountain Meadows Massacre. In 1857, a wagon train of 127 Arkansas Methodist emigrants, bound for California, were killed by a party of Mormon settlers and Paiute Indians at Mountain Meadows (near Cedar City), Utah.

1892: Birth of George Arthur Buttrick, English Presbyterian pastor and educator. A teacher at both Union Theological Seminary and Harvard University, Buttrick is best remembered as chief editor of The Interpreter’s Bible (1952-57).

1966: Archbishop of Canterbury Arthur Michael Ramsey met and exchanged public greetings with Pope Paul VI in Rome. It was the first official meeting between heads of the Anglican and Roman Catholic churches in over 400 years.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“Beverly Hills 90210,” “The Nanny”) Nicholle Tom, 40 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Felicity”) Keri Russell, 42 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Gone Baby Gone Source Code, Pixels, “True Detective) Michelle Monaghan, 42

  • Actor (“21 Jump Street,” “Mobster”) Richard Grieco, 53 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Tank Girl, Cadillac Man, A League Of Their Own) Lori Petty, 55

  • Comedian/actress/writer (“Saturday Night Live”) Terry Sweeney, 58

  • Actress (Captain Phillips, The 40 Year Old Virgin) Catherine Keener, 59

  • Actress (“LA Law”) Amanda Plummer, 61 (audio clip)

  • Comedian/actor (“The Louie Show”, “Life With Louie”) Louie Anderson, 65 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Granville “Stick” Henely McGhee

1949 : Ric Ocasek (The Cars)
1950 : Phil Lanzon (Uriah Heep)

1951 : Phil Keaggy

1953 : Chaka Khan (Rufus)

1959 : Epic Soundtracks (Swell Maps, Crime and the City Solution and These Immortal Soul)

1965 : Marti Pellow (Wet Wet Wet)

1968 : Damon Albarn (Blur)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Just what exactly is “method” acting anyway?

Acting is about the only activity where you don’t get locked up for pretending that you are someone else. (In politics they do put you away if your illusion doesn’t account for what you did with large sums of money.) Onstage there is more than one way to play “let’s pretend.” You can work from the outside, consciously modifying your speech, body language and mannerisms to turn yourself into someone else. Or you can find something within yourself – a memory of something in your childhood, say – that enables you to sympathize with your character’s motives, almost becoming that character. The latter approach, developed early in the 20th Century by Konstantin Stanislavsky of the Moscow Art Theater, is called method acting and is today identified with the Actor’s Studio.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A woman in Spain died after undergoing a supposedly routine “bee acupuncture” treatment and then suffering an allergic reaction that put her in a coma.  ***So purposely getting stung by dozens of bees is a bad thing.  Gee… who knew?

According to a government report, people who tend to the elderly, change diapers and serve up food and drinks have the highest rates of depression among US workers. ***So bartenders who change adult diapers of elderly people must be miserable.

(See today’s “Totally Outrageous” story for details.) A Utah father is suing the Boy Scouts of America and the Utah National Parks Council after his son, who has Down syndrome, wasn’t allowed to complete his Eagle Project.  ***Welcome to the NEW Boy Scouts, where you can be a girl and get in – but if you are a boy and you have a genetic disorder you get pooped on.

After years of trying, researchers are celebrating “a major step forward” for the male birth control pill. A month-long clinical trial shows a once-daily male pill is safe and effective at suppressing the hormones needed for sperm production, and has no negative effect on sex drive. Researchers presented their findings at the Endocrine Society’s annual conference in Chicago. Those who took part in the clinical trials also saw mild weight gain and a slight drop in HDL or “good cholesterol” levels. But “very few subjects reported symptoms consistent with testosterone deficiency or excess,” and liver and kidney function remained healthy, senior researcher Stephanie Page says in a release. “These promising results are unprecedented in the development of a prototype male pill.” Research will now focus on effects over longer periods.  ***This will never work.  My wife has to remind me to change my shirt every day – there’s no way I’m going to remember to take a birth control pill.

Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth plan to reunite for a “Men in Black” reboot.  ***Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see Tessa Thompson pulling off Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K.

Songs performed by Tony Bennett, Gloria Estefan and “The Sound of Music” are among 25 recordings being added to the National Recording Registry. Bennett’s standard “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” is being added, along with “Rhythm is Gonna Get You” by Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, the soundtrack to “The Sound of Music”, and Run-DMC’s “Raising Hell” album.  ***DMC?  Why am I hearing “One of these things doesn’t belong here” from Sesame Street?

The new Samsung Galaxy S8 has Samsung’s version of Siri, called “Bixby.” ***If it’s the voice of Bill Bixby you’ll want to pass though – you don’t want to risk getting him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

A British man has died after a freak accident at a luxury movie theater. Authorities say the customer was at Vue Cinema in Birmingham when his head became wedged under the electronic footrest of a reclining “Gold Class” seat. Sources say the guy was trying to retrieve a phone he had dropped between seats and became trapped when the footrest shifted from the upright position. He panicked as the footrest clamped onto his head and his partner and others struggled desperately to break it away and free him. The man suffered a cardiac arrest while trapped under the seat. ***This can’t be real – it sounds like something out of a Final Destination movie.  Yikes.

Lindsay Lohan is the new face of legal directory Lawyer.com.  ***And if anyone knows about needing a lawyer, it’s Lindsay Lohan.

In Lubbock, Texas, a guy stopped in at Chick-fil-A, bought food and left… forgetting his $3 change. An employee brought it with him to work every day for a month before the guy finally came back in and the employee returned his money.  ***No snarky comment for this one – it’s just good to find out there is at least one person out there with integrity.

According to researchers at the University of Vienna, dogs, like kids, have a sense of what’s fair. Says the lead researcher in the study: “Canines, like people and monkeys, seem to have a sense of fairness. Animals react to inequity.” And “to avoid stress, we should try to avoid treating them differently.”  ***Really?  You want FAIR, Fido?  How about you take out the garbage for a change to show your appreciation for me picking up your yard poop.  That sounds fair.

They’ve struck a deal with the cast of “The Big Bang Theory” and so it will stick around for one more season and then wrap things up. ***Good thing. Another couple of years and we’d have had stories of Sheldon living in a nursing home.

In Florida, a man suspected of stealing a car with a baby inside was bizarrely filmed handing the infant over to a gas station worker while shouting: “Take the baby! Take the baby!” Surveillance video shows the suspect pulling up to the Sunoco station in Royal Palm Beach, around 4am Tuesday. He can be seen unstrapping the child from the back of a black Kia Rio, running towards the gas station to drop off the child and then speeding off with the car. Police believe the car was stolen from another gas station six miles away while the baby’s mother was outside the vehicle. The gas station worker immediately called 911 and the baby was reunited with his mother within 30 minutes. Officers found the abandoned Kia nearby but are still looking for the suspect, who now has serious kidnapping charges on top of everything else. ***But those Kia Rios are so smooth riding that the baby went right to sleep.  Now THAT is comfort.

John Oliver’s joke children’s book about Mike Pence’s gay pet bunny is already selling out.  ***Because of course it is.

New stats say the average American spends around $1,100 a year on coffee. ***It appears I am finally ABOVE average for a change.

In Detroit, a grandmother was trying to unload an AK-47 assault rifle in her home.  The gun accidentally discharged and the bullet went through the second story floor and hit a 3-year-old girl on the first floor.  Fortunately it only grazed the girl’s leg. Police say it also narrowly missed an 18-year-old who was in the basement.  Warren Police Commissioner Bill Dwyer says there “probably will be some charges forthcoming.” ***You gotta be careful with those Detroit grandmas!  If they’re not shooting their mouths off, they’re shooting something else off!

Because of the current bread shortage in Venezuela, the government has taken over all of the country’s bakeries. ***Government bread. Gee, you know that’s going to be some tasty stuff.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) According to a survey, one in 12 people would rather break their arm than do their taxes.  ***Wait… breaking my arm in a valid option?  I choose that!

Women have a new reason to get help with their insomnia — poor sleep might be damaging their marriages. After a bad night’s sleep women — but not men — tend to have more negative interactions with their spouses, a new study shows.  “Other research has shown that sleep disturbance and deprivation has profound effects on mood, irritability and frustration tolerance,” said the study’s lead author, Wendy Troxel, an assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. “And the person you’re most likely to take it out on is not your boss or some random person, but your spouse.” And women were the most likely to have negative responses.  ***It’s bad enough my wife hogs all of the covers and half the bed, but if I wake her up to get her to move then suddenly I’m the rotten jerk?

According to a survey, two-thirds of Americans interviewed could not name their Congressional representatives.  ***”Gee… I don’t know his or her name, but I really don’t approve of the job he or she is doing, that’s for sure!”

Who causes more stress for you – your spouse, or your boss?  Research shows that spouses are a bigger source of stress than bosses. There may be no place like home, but if you want to relax then you might be better off at work, according to the survey.   The poll of 3,000 men and women also found that husbands are more likely to send their wives’ blood pressure soaring than the other way round.  ***Upon hearing the news, husbands all over the nation immediately volunteered to go fishing… for their wives’ sake.

Dentists could soon hang up their drills. …A new peptide, embedded in a soft gel or a thin, flexible film and placed next to a cavity, encourages cells inside teeth to regenerate in about a month, according to a new study in the journal ACS Nano. This technology is the first of its kind and would remove the need for drills.  ***Dentists surveyed said this would take all of the fun out of being a dentist.

According to a study by the journal Human Nature, men and women are different when it comes to carrying their cell phones. Men tend to take their phones out of their jackets and briefcases and place them in the open for anyone to see, while women usually left theirs tucked away. The men also fiddled with the phones often, especially when the ratio of males to females increased. The journal also discovered that a few cell phones that you see being used aren’t even real. Some phones are just playing the role of status symbol.  ***These are probably the same people who had imaginary friends growing up.  After all, who do you think they’re talking to on those fake phones?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had washed ashore after being sent to his room for not playing with a new kid in the neighborhood. He’s already met some strange birds – Beach Birds – on the island, and he’s just met some giant hairy creatures, called Razzleflabbins!

CLOSE: Okay – so we know why Marvy was sent to his room, and we know that the Razzleflabbins are friendly and want to make friend with everyone, but how does ANY of this help Marvy get back to his room? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Patricia Freund may have the best job in America.

She basically does absolutely nothing and it pays her $82,000 a year. Patricia, who “works” as the New York Liquor Authority’s director of wholesale services says, “I don’t think I’ve done more than two days’ work in three years.” This interesting tid-bit was offered as an example of how bureaucracies deal with “problem” workers who are hard to fire. She was exiled to an office with no work and no responsibilities which she said was in retaliation for raising a stink about Governor George Pataki’s Christian prayer breakfasts and Jesus-laden mementoes, which she said was discriminatory toward Jewish employees, such as her. Apparently the higher ups figured she’d eventually quit but so far — that hasn’t happened.  ***MARLAR: Why would she?  She’s getting paid 82-thousand a year to do NOTHING!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LESSONS WE CAN LEARN FROM NOAH

10. Don’t miss the boat.

9. Try to remember that we’re all in the same boat.

8. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark, you know.

7. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

6. Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

5. Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

4. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic that was built by professionals.

3. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.

2. Two heads are better than one.

1. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There’ll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man tries to tackle a career in bank robbery.

FILE #1: It didn’t turn out exactly the way he had planned when 50-year-old John Wesley Bradley of Nashville tried bank robbery. Bradley entered a local bank and handed the teller a note saying he was committing a robbery and had a gun. When the teller didn’t immediately respond, Bradley left. However, the story didn’t end there as the 26-year-old teller followed him outside, saw that he didn’t appear to be armed and tackled him in the grass as police arrived.

FILE #2: In Poland, two crooks broke down in tears during a recent bank robbery. They weren’t sorry for what they were doing, but were sprayed in the eyes with pepper spray. It seems they tried to use pepper spray on a cashier who was in front of an air conditioning unit. The wind blew the spray back into their faces, forcing them to stagger empty handed out to their waiting getaway car.

FILE #3: “Catch Me If You Can” – a great title for a movie, but not a great way to live.  In Brooklyn, New York, Abdullah Darby sent a threatening letter to the cops, filled with a white powder and concluding with the words “Catch me if you can.” The New York cops were up to the challenge, even though Darby made it easy for them. Right after “Catch me if you can” he signed his real name. And he included his return address on the envelope.

STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, GA, it is illegal to say “Oh, Boy.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A stash of grass can take the place of a lot of gas, but it won’t do anything for mileage.

A man from Sandy, Utah, took his newly acquired, used SUV to a mechanic to find out why the gas gauge always read half-full. The mechanic in Sandy looked inside the gas tank and found about 35 pounds of marijuana in plastic-wrap packages that filled about half the tank’s volume. Police estimate the pot is worth about $35,000. The Nissan Armada has had several different owners and was once a rental car. Sandy police are trying to figure out who stashed the pot but say the current owner is not a suspect. Investigators in the town south of Salt Lake City say the drug packs could have been in the tank for months.

PHONER PHUN

(TOYS R US IS CLOSING DOWN!) Best toy that you grew up with? Still have it?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To what city did Lot and his family flee?

ANSWER: Zoar (Genesis 19:22)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

ANSWER: Niagara Falls – the rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Grand Island, Nebraska was the first city in the U.S. to put fluoride in their water. (FALSE… Grand Rapids, Michigan was first.)

  2. While Timothy McVeigh was in prison, he received four proposals for marriage from women. (TRUE… sickos.)

  3. 4 out of 10 guys will end a relationship over the phone. (FALSE… it’s only 2 out of 10. See, we’re not as bad as you thought ladies!)

  4. Before becoming a famous actor, Harrison Ford’s biggest claim to fame was being the voice for the famous TV ad line — “Secret, strong enough for a man but made for a woman.” (FALSE… that line was actually done by William H. Macy who starred in “Fargo” and “Jurassic Park III”)

  5. Green has become the most popular car color in America. (FALSE… it’s white, and has been for a long time.)

  6. When Congress was first created, the first Congressmen were paid only $1 a day. (FALSE… but it wasn’t all that much better… it was 6 dollars per day – and they didn’t get a pay raise until 1814!)

  7. Baseball great Jackie Robinson was the only person to letter in four sports at UCLA.  (TRUE… and of all of the sports he lettered in, he supposedly liked baseball the least.)

  8. Mr. Peanut is the creation of a child.  (TRUE… Mr. Peanut was created in 1916 by a 14-year-old Suffolk, VA, boy who won $5 in a design contest sponsored by the Planters Peanuts.)

  9. If Brooklyn became independent of New York City, New York would still be the largest city in the U.S.  (TRUE… second would be Los Angeles, and third would be Brooklyn again!)

  10. The world’s smallest mammal is a bat.  (TRUE… it’s the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GIANT _____ BREEDING IN SUBWAY SYSTEM (RATS)

A rare breed of giant rat is terrorizing the New York City subway system.

The latest in a string a giant rat sightings was caught on video in the Bronx. Even more frightening is the news that, according to a veterinarian from the Bronx Zoo, the rat in the video recently gave birth. Rat litters typically have 8 to 12 babies, but can have as many as 16 or 18.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

JOKE #2

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair recently. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. It is a major component in acid rain

3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. Accidental inhalation can kill you

5. It contributes to erosion

6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

JOKE #3

Two husbands were discussing their married lives.  Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.  Then the first man said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word.”

“Wow!” said the second, “how did you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” he replied.  “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.'”

USELESS FACTS

William Faulkner once refused a dinner invitation from JFK’s White House. “Why that’s a hundred miles away,” he said. “That’s a long way to go just to eat.”

Cave explorers in Croatia have discovered what they think is the world’s steepest underground vertical drop: a cave that steadily descents 203 feet, then suddenly plunges 1,693 feet straight down.  ***The guy who first discovered the drop was quoted as saying, “AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

WANT TO PLAY?

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

FREEZE, AND DROP THE SHARPIE!

A city in Georgia has made it a crime for anyone under the age of 18 to be in possession of spray paint or felt-tip markers.

…Smyrna may be the first city in the state (maybe even the country) to ban the sale of what police call “graffiti tools” to those under 18. In addition to banning the sale of certain materials to minors, the order requires merchants to keep such items in areas inaccessible to customers. In other words, behind the counter. As weird as the American Civil Liberties Union sometimes gets, even they say the laws are “ridiculous”. The laws also require property owners to remove graffiti within five days of being notified by city officials. Until now officers encountering suspected gang members with spray cans, were powerless to prevent any vandalism, even though they suspected the gangs were writing graffiti. ***MARLAR: So now we’re making the ownership of absolutely ordinary, mundane things a crime simply because they might be used for something illegal. Heck, I can do that with a butter knife and a stapler… should we outlaw those things too?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE ROSE WITHIN

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.

He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, “How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom… it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

This is one of the characteristic of love… to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life… all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the “rose” within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

JAIL FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Read: Romans 6:15-23

When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. –Romans 6:20

From the outside, all jails look alike. You see one, you’ve seen them all. But from the inside, some prisons rate better than others.

(We’re talking real jails here, not the school library, where you’ve been cooped up working on a big paper or the mail room that you feel you are a prisoner to.) Several years ago, The Associated Press published an inmates’ list of the nation’s 10 best jails. Included in the survey were evaluations of cell capacity, TV service, meal quality, and visitation rights.

The results indicated that some jails offer a pretty nice life: a good library, smoke-free accommodations, continuing education. But the Fairbanks Correctional Center in Alaska ranked at the top with its capacity of 194 dormitory-style bunks in single cells, cable TV, regular contact visits, and varied and plentiful meals.

That got me to thinking about a believer’s relationship with Christ. To someone “on the outside,” it can look like a form of imprisonment. To an unbeliever, all that church and morality stuff may seem worse than going to prison.

But from the inside, obedience to God actually opens the door to a whole new world of freedoms. Set free from the penalty of sin and the burden of guilt, we are open to make choices that bring lasting happiness and avoid bad consequences.

The apostle Paul, who wrote a lot of the New Testament, was familiar with the inside of a cell. He also knew that whether we become a slave to sin or to God is not a matter of doing time. It’s a matter of the heart. Paul had learned that with bondage to sin comes an ever-increasing hunger for the kinds of thoughts and behavior that bring dishonor to the Lord.

But with slavery to God comes an ever-increasing desire to do good, to love, and to be grateful for the freedoms that bring no regret. –MD

LEFTOVERS

THE MAN PILL

Researchers at the University of Kansas and the University of Kansas Medical Center are developing a male contraceptive, a hormone-free pill that men could take weekly or monthly.  ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, there are a few possible side-effects of having a pill for men.  Men could…

  • start asking directions while driving.

  • cry when they watch ESPN.

  • start winning arguments with their wives.

  • suddenly recall some random statement their wife made 12 years ago and give her the silent treatment all weekend because of it.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Most of the time when people think of super fruits or healing plants, they don’t tend to think of bananas. Maybe they should.

…Bananas are powerhouses of protective ingredients, and are especially good for mind and mood. For starters, bananas are rich in natural fiber. As most people are aware, Americans typically get too little fiber in their diets. Bananas are a well known source of potassium, an essential nutrient that helps to maintain proper fluid balance in the body. From a protective standpoint, bananas are high in a variety of compounds, many of which are antioxidants. While blueberries, mangos and other fruits get more time in the antioxidant spotlight, bananas are especially loaded with these compounds, thereby helping to reduce premature aging of the body’s cells. Bananas are a great source of the super-protective compounds kaempferol and quercetin. These compounds have been extensively studied, and are known to protect cells, reduce inflammation, fight numerous types of tumors, protect nerves, enhance blood circulation, and reduce the risk of a number of diseases. Bananas also contain high amounts of rutin, a compound that complements the activity of vitamin C, and helps to maintain strong, flexible blood vessels.  ***MARLAR: Although you have to be careful, as there is a danger in eating bananas.  No amount of antioxidants are going to save you from slipping on banana peels.

JUST FOR FUN

Imagine living with 154 tons of garbage in your house. One man lived that way for several years.

Workers equipped with a bulldozer, face masks and a court order have removed 154 tons of garbage from a man’s home outside Madrid. The job took two weeks, with 30 truckloads of trash hauled away from the house and surrounding area. Municipal officials got a court order after the owner, 58-year-old Antonio Villalba, refused repeated requests from neighbors and city officials to clean up his yard and house. It stank and there were rats on the premises, according to a local newspaper. The house was so packed with everything from tin cans to car parts that the man lived in a tiny compartment in the back and reached it through a tunnel carved out of the garbage, reports said. ***MARLAR: Which reminds me, it’s my turn to clean the radio station’s break room…

FUN LIST

EXCUSES FOR NOT FILING YOUR TAXES (audio clip)

  • The short form is too stinkin’ long.
  • You’re still in shock from last year.
  • You think the EZ form is fake because they spell the word “easy” with just two letters.
  • Your only liquid assets say “just add water”
  • You have questions about adjustments and can’t get any answers from your chiropractor.
  • You think the 1040 form has to be filled out when the clock reads exactly 10:40.
  • Hey, no worries! You already did your taxes last year!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How much time to you spend in your life each year shopping for shoes?

Yahoo Shine Reports that a recent marketing research project shows the average woman makes 301 shopping excursions each year and spends about 400 hours buying clothes, books, food and toiletries. This adds to women spending 8.5 years or 3,148 days of their lives shopping.  Here’s the breakdown of the amount of time spent shopping for specific retail items each year:

  • Clothes – 30 times, total 100 hours and 48 minutes

  • Shoes – 15 times, 40 hours and 30 minutes

  • Accessories – 18 times, 29 hours and 31 minutes

  • Food – 84 times, 94 hours and 55 minutes

  • Books – 57 times, 31 hours and 21 minutes

  • Toiletries – 27 times, 17 hours and 33 minutes

  • Gifts – 19 times, 36 hours and 17 minutes

  • Window Shopping – 51 times, 48 hours and 51 minutes  ***MARLAR: And even stranger, they NEVER come home with new windows.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It’s called the Sunday Night Blues. How you feel on Sunday about going back to work on Monday morning will tell you if it’s time to find a new job. While some of the dread may simply be making that weekly transition from leisure to work, you know it’s something more serious if you’re feeling trapped, hopeless or anxious about returning to the office. The Sunday Night Blues are fairly common with some 76 percent of American workers saying they suffer from it, according to a Monster.com survey. But having the blues vs. sobbing your eyes out is something different. Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and the author of “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job,” told Business Insider that job anxiety can steal not only your joy, but also compromise your health. Is it time to find a new job? Listen to what your gut tells you on Sunday evening. You’ll find the answer there.

Don’t fret if you find yourself talking about if it’s going to rain or snow or be breezy with your friends and co-workers, because you’re not alone. A recent survey made the startling finding that people discuss the weather a lot. In fact, they talk about it for a staggering six months out of their lives. Women especially like to talk about the weather. They converse about it more than men do. It’s an even more popular subject with gals than their love lives and gossip. Older folks love talking about the weather the most, doing it three times more than teens. Seniors also believe they can predict it better than professional weather forecasters. ***Is it any wonder that the Weather Channel is so popular?

If you are feeling chilly, you may want to watch a romantic movie and, surprisingly, the same goes for your usually resistant to chick flicks guy, says a recent report in the Journal of Consumer Research. Researchers found that participants who had just had iced tea or sat in a cold room were 83% more likely to choose to watch a love story compared with those who were not shivering. “Physical coldness activates a need for psychological warmth, which leads to increased liking for romance movies,” says study author Yacheng Sun, Ph.D., an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Colorado at Boulder.  ***So I guess if you take this to the next logical step, if you want your man to watch a romantic comedy with you, load up with ice cream first.

For those who think smoking marijuana is relaxing, this might come as a surprise to you.  People who have smoked pot in the past 30 days have systolic blood pressure that’s 2 points higher, on average, than non-tokers’, according to preliminary research from Indiana University Bloomington. If your blood pressure is borderline high, that could raise your risk of heart attack or stroke. (Men’s Health)

The most effective diet drink is cheap and plentiful: tap water. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, who found that adults who increased their daily water consumption by as little as one percent also slightly cut their daily consumption of sugar, salt, saturated fat and cholesterol. The study: Led by Ruopeng An, a professor of kinesiology and community health, the team analyzed the eating habits of 18,300 adults, all of whom were part of a U.S. government-led study. Each participant reported everything he or she ate or drank over the course of two days; the two days were not consecutive, but rather separated by three to 10 days. The Illinois researchers then calculated the amount of plain water consumed daily as a percentage of each person’s dietary water intake from food and beverages combined. The results:

  • On average, each participant consumed just over four cups of plain water daily.

  • Those who added one, two or three cups of water daily from any source — be it bottled water, a water cooler, a drinking fountain or tap water — consumed between 68 to 205 fewer calories, on average, per day.

  • In addition, sodium intake fell between 78 to 235 grams and sugar dropped between 5 grams to 18 grams for those who consumed more water. While the beneficial effects of increased water consumption were most notable among men as well as young and middle-aged adults, the impact remained regardless of race/ethnicity, education, income levels and body weight status.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Developer Gene Dub has donated an entire four-storey building to give homes to some of the estimated 100 pregnant woman who find themselves homeless in Edmonton each year. Dub specializes in rehabilitating historic buildings. This one, the old Grand Manor Hotel, was built in 1913. It includes 18 studios and one-bedroom units and is worth $3 million.
http://edmontonjournal.com/news/local-news/developer-donates-entire-building-to-house-pregnant-homeless-women

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
The father of a boy who has Down syndrome is suing the Boys Scouts of America for blocking his son from becoming an Eagle scout and revoking all his merit badges. Logan Blythe has been a scout through the National Parks Council in Utah. His father, Chad, says the 15-year-old has advanced because the council has made accommodations when necessary but added, “All those [badges], he just literally did the best he could, and our local leaders accepted it and were happy with it.” For his Eagle project, Logan had planned to create kits for babies with special needs and local officials signed off on the plan, but the national organization then disagreed. Even worse, the national organization voided every merit badge Logan obtained. The family has sued the Boy Scouts and the Utah National Parks Council for “outrageous and reckless conduct.” A spokesperson for the organization disagrees with the family’s assertion that the decision is discriminatory, adding that the group offered the Blythes “a path to earning alternative merit badges based on [Logan’s] abilities.” All scouts earn badges by performing the same or similar tasks, a principle that promotes equity, says the spokesperson. (Salt Lake Tribune)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The end of the show already? My how time flies when you spend the entire program trying to think of something witty and amusing to say at the end of the show.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 23, 2018…

Pacific Rim: Uprising—For fans of the first “Pacific Rim” movie, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here comes the second film, with plenty of action and the monster robots that put Godzilla to shame. In this film, it is about ten years later and more pilots have come forth to battle the enemy. Giant, now-larger, robotic-like creatures have come again from beneath the sea to conquer Earth. What can earthlings to but modify their robots to do battle and the Earth becomes a giant stomping ground for supremacy. Scott Eastwood is here as Jake, who is a top “pilot” and his friend, Amara (Cailee Spaeny) is also there. Who will win? Will there be anything left of Earth when all is said and done? Also in the cast are John Boyega (“Star Wars”), Jing Tian, Rinko Kikuchi, Adria Arjona, Charles Day and Burn Gorman. Steven S. DeKnight directs and he also co-authored the story with T. S. Nowlin. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and count me in. 

Midnight Sun—Sunlight isn’t always good for the sick, and no one knows this better than Bella  Thorne, who has a rare disease in which sunlight is dangerous for her She also likes to play the guitar.  What to do when you are a teen, why…fall in love, of course, and enter Patrick Schwarzenner (you read that last name right) as the young man. How to carry on a courtship? Also in the cast are Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard and Paul McGillion (remember him from “Stargate: Atlantis.”) “Midnight Sun” is based on a Japanese film and is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sherlock Gnomes—Yes, even garden gnomes have a life and in this animated film—the second one for the gnomes—there is a mystery to be solved. Who to call? Why Sherlock Gnomes, of course. Who did you think? The basic premise also has disagreements between the blue gnomes and the red gnomes (think “Romeo and Juliet” here). Voices of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Johnny Depp and Mary J. Blige. “Sherlock Gnomes” is rated G. Rating of  2 for fans.

Unsane—This film is directed by Stephen Soderbergh and concerns a woman who has a problem with mental stability, so is in a hospital. The problem is—are her problems real?  Imaginary? Or, brought about by someone else? Claire Foy stars, and also in the cast are Jay Pharoah, Juno Temple (“Wonder Wheel”) and Amy Irving. “Unsane” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Leisure Seeker—On the road and away we go could be the mantra for Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland. They play a senior couple who decide to take a road trip in their old camper, The Leisure Seeker. The problem is, that Donald has a fading memory and Helen wants to preserve what memories he has and perhaps, give him new memories. This film was postponed from a 2017 opening. “Leisure Seeker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One is directed by Steven Spielberg and is a science fiction film about playing a special game. Stars Tye Sheridan.

Acrimony has Taraji  P. Henson as the wronged wife who wants answers.

Loveless (opening in select cities) is a foreign language film concerning a bickering couple and their missing son.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.