March 25, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160325

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Portions of today’s (JOCK SHOW) show will be recorded later and edited in backwards so they are retro-fitted to the earlier live portions which will then be repeated so everything is heard in its entirety.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'”  — Matthew 4:4

 

Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. — Ephesians 6:10-11

 

May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. — Psalm 69:6

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. — Philippians 3:17

 

Thought: “I would rather see a sermon any day, than hear one.” I’m not distressed because people want to “see a sermon,” but because so many of us don’t “practice what we preach.” As leaders — whether as friends, parents, or in positions of authority — our primary tool of influence is our life of character (or lack of it). Do you practice what you “preach”? All of us who seek to influence others redemptively, MUST! Why? Because most folks need to both hear and see the message before it becomes a part of them.

 

Prayer: Lord God Almighty, please forgive me, equip me, and make me fit for your service. Please help me, dear Father, as I try to live a life worth imitating and to lead others to Jesus. I know I can’t do either of those without your power and grace transforming my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Lamentations 3:25 NIV = The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MARCH 25, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 274 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL LOBSTER NEWBURG DAY (recipe below).

 

Today is NATIONAL PECAN DAY, marking this date in 1775 when George Washington planted pecan trees at Mount Vernon. *** He wanted to make sure he had plenty of wood for his dentures.  How else are you supposed to be able to eat Lobster Newburg?

 

 

LOBSTER NEWBURG RECIPE

This lobster Newburg is made with half-and-half, sherry, cooked lobster meat, and butter. Scroll down the page to see more lobster recipes.

INGREDIENTS:

  • 2 cups cooked lobster meat, about 2 small lobsters
  • 2 tablespoons butter or margarine
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • dash of cayenne pepper
  • 3 tablespoons dry sherry
  • 3 egg yolks, lightly beaten
  • 1 cup half-and-half
  • buttered toast or pastry shells

PREPARATION: In a medium saucepan over low heat, heat lobster in the butter for 2 to 3 minutes. Add salt, cayenne pepper, and sherry. Mix beaten egg yolks with the half-and-half and add to lobster. Cook, stirring constantly, until Lobster Newburg is thickened and heated through, but do not bring to a boil.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery and the Transatlantic

International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members

National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy

National Medal of Honor Day

Old New Year’s Day

Tolkien Reading Day

Waffle Day

World Marbles Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day

Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

Purple Day

Spinach Day

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 27

Easter

Plum Pudding Day

Celebrate Exchange Day

Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

 

MONDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day

Be Mad Day

Dyngus Day

Mule Day

Virtual Advocacy Day

Weed Appreciation Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day

National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day

Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day

Texas Loves The Children Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30

Doctors Day

Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day

I Am In Control Day

Manatee Appreciation Day

Pencil Day

Torrents Day

World Bi-Polar Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day

Cesar Chavez Day

International Hug a Medievalist Day

National “She’s Funny That Way” Day

Terri’s Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day

April Fools Day / All Fools Day

Atheist Day

Boomer Bonus Day

Hospital Admitting Clerks Day

National Walk to Work Day

International Tatting Day

Library Snap Shot Day

Myles Day

National Fun Day

National Fun at Work Day

Poetry & The Creative Mind Day

Reading Is Funny Day

Sorry Charlie Day

St. Stupid Day

U.S. Air Force Academy Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1634: English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore founded Maryland.

 

1939: Billboard magazine announced a new category of music chart, a “Hillbilly Hit List,” but warned artists to keep it clean because “double-meaning” records would not be included.

 

1943: Jimmy Durante and Garry Moore debuted on network radio, replacing the popular Abbott & Costello following Lou Costello’s heart attack. Durante and Moore lasted four years, and later had their own individual television shows.

 

1971: The Boston Patriots became the New England Patriots.

 

1985: Stevie Wonder won an Academy Award for “I Just Called to Say I Love You.”

 

1995: Little Texas’ Jeff Huskins married Leslie Buchanan at Nashville’s Woodmont Christian Church.

 

1989: Michael Nunn defended his world middleweight boxing title in Las Vegas, then promptly lost the $1-million check at the victory party. The next day Nunn got a call from an honest janitor, who found the check while sweeping up. ***MARLAR: Don’t think he’s a hero though.  After all, wouldn’t YOU return the money if you knew the guy the check belonged to could beat the crud out of you if he found out you had it?

 

1991: Michael Jackson escorted Madonna to the Academy Awards.

 

1996: Reuter news service reported that Shanghai surgeons removed 1,650 stones from a 47-year-old woman’s gallbladder. Zhu Ping had had gallbladder problems for ten years, but was up and exercising one day after the surgery.

 

1996: The new U.S. $100 bill went into circulation.

 

1997: Former President George Bush, at age 73, parachuted from a plane over the Arizona desert.

 

1998: A 31-year-old hippopotamus at an Argentina zoo died from swallowing a tennis ball that someone threw into his cage.

 

2003: Shortly after the National City Bank in downtown Columbus, Ohio, was robbed, police spotted a man about a block away, walking strangely. The 40-year-old man had learned a painful lesson: Never shove stolen money containing an explosive dye pack down your pants. The suspect was charged with aggravated robbery.

 

2004: Russian Evgeni Plushenko won his third world figure skating title, defeating French rival Brian Joubert.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1625: England’s King James I dies. In 1604, at the Hampton Court Conference, James authorized the translation project that produced the 1611 King James (Authorized) Version of the Bible.

 

1634: The first colony of over 200 Catholics and Protestants arrives on the Potomac to settle Maryland, the colony settled by Catholic, Lord Baltimore the second.

 

1740: Construction begins on George Whitefield’s Bethesda Orphanage in the colony of Georgia. The care of the orphanage would plague Whitefield and cause him financial distress.

 

1797: Social reformer John Winebrenner, founder of the Church of God (now known as the Churches of God, General Conference), is born in Maryland.

 

1944: Wilbur Nelson begins broadcasting the popular Morning Chapel Hour.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • auto racer Danica Patrick 34
  • skater Debi Thomas is 48
  • actress (“Sex and the City”, Failure to Launch, The Family Stone) Sarah Jessica Parker 51 (audio clip)
  • actress (“Melrose Place”, “Desperate Housewives”) Marcia Cross 54 (audio clip)
  • actress/comedienne (Hot to Trot, Troop Beverly Hills) Mary Gross 63
  • actress (“The Division”, Presumed Innocent) Bonnie Bedelia 68
  • actor (“Starsky and Hutch”) Paul Michael Glaser 73 (
    ,
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Bonnie Guitar

1934 : Johnny Burnette

1938 : Hoyt Axton

1942 : Aretha Franklin

1947 : Elton John (born Reginald Kenneth Dwight)

1948 : Michael Stanley

1949 : Nick Lowe

1960 : Steve Norman (Spandau Ballet)

1966 : Jeff Healey

1969 : Cathy Dennis

1975 : Melanie Blatt (All Saints)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is the person who helps a golfer called a caddy?

A caddy is a person who can tell you what a great shot you made. (You can’t count on such support from your partner, whose fondest wish could be that you will totally humiliate yourself.) Caddys know enough not to hand you a brassie when you need a niblick (or is that a giblet? – I can never get it right). So why call them caddys? The word caddy (or caddie, as its sometimes spelled) comes from France, via Scotland, and is a corruption of “cadet.” In France a cadet was a rich man’s younger son. Since the eldest son inherited the whole estate, any males born after him often joined the army, which gives us the military sense of cadet. Eventually cadet came to mean someone who did lowly work, a “go-for” or errand boy–just the kind of person to serve another person who wants only to putter around.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

The ministry of the band Unspoken is expanding. A representative from The Mission in Tennessee posted this week: Unspoken is my new favorite group. I’m planning on using their music heavily in our work with addicts.

 

What do Jeremy Camp and his band do on the bus to keep themselves occupied between shows? The latest activity of choice was a new app on their iPhones that allowed them to feel like producers. Jeremy recorded a video as he and the rest of the band tried their hands at producing some new beats.

http://youtu.be/eIdqch8zA2s?a

 

Mandisa is NOT a morning person. She posted: My favorite time to sing Good Morning is at night!

 

Worship Leader Lenny Leblanc is making a series of video workshops available free of charge. In the series of workshop sessions, Lenny shares practical tips on how best to play a wide variety of instruments in a worship setting. He says new videos are posted every week. Check out the videos…

http://bit.ly/1In0KIP

 

Switchfoot on their new album, known as Album 10: Sometimes really beautiful things come from the ashes of adversity.

 

Ben and David Blascoe are going to bat for barbers. The brothers were both part of Citizenway before Ben’s retirement earlier this year. But while they are no longer together on stage, they do stand together in their support of barbers. Ben posted: I think being a Barber is an enviable endeavor. It’s a shame they don’t make more. David replied: nobody is willing to pay them more because of cost cutters. Real barbers cost money.

 

Sanctus Real’s new start is off with a bang. The band played their first show since Dustin replaced Matt as the front man for the group and it was a sell out crowd. To make it even better, the event was a benefit show for Cherry Street Ministries, a mission in downtown Toledo, Ohio.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDPHfYJOOWH/

 

Kutless member James Mead was in a familiar place this week. He shared a selfie in front of the library where he spent a lot of time when he was young. James posted: I lived in a big old white house next door to the library, in an apartment on the second floor. As a young boy, I was constantly scared of being at home, where my step-father would beat me. I spent a lot of time at the library. I read everything. The dictionary. Encyclopedias. History books. Novels. Everything. I am thankful for this place, and I am thankful for the transformative power of God, who changed me from an angry and scared young boy to the man I am now. Place your hope in Jesus. He will lead you through anything. No matter how dark it seems, He is the light of the world!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDM-_l0pdQz/

 

Citizen Way’s David Blascoe found the perfect was to end the Rock and Worship Roadshow tour. David replaced Family Force 5’s regular drummer, Teddy “Hollywood” Boldt, on their song Cray Button and then the members of the band say they all went crazy.

 

Good news for Mercyme fans. Members of the band tweeted today that work on a new album is officially underway. Several guys from Mercyme have been laying the ground work for the new project over the past several weeks but now they are all together and officially getting to work. No word on when the latest project from Mercyme will be available.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDRSQuyEk5I/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Authorities say a driver repeatedly told police she was “looking for New Jersey”. Where was she?  New Jersey.  She’s been charged with driving under the influence.

 

A Canadian man replied to a text while waiting in a drive-thru lane (at a Tim Hortons). After texting, A.J. Daoust says a police officer knocked on his window, asked him to pull over and gave him a $287 ticket for distracted driving.  ***The cop then drove off with donut in one hand and coffee in another.

 

It can be scary to ask for help. You don’t want to bother people, and you definitely don’t want to seem incompetent or unprepared. But some recent research from Harvard Business School found something reassuring: When you ask for advice, the people you’re asking tend to find you more competent, not less competent.  *** So go ahead and ask those stupid questions – they’ll think you’re a genius!

 

According to a study, kids who go to school next to fast-food chains are fatter.  *** But on the plus side, you never have to pack them a lunch.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study in the UK found that the average steering wheel has twice as many germs as a toilet seat.  ***MARLAR: So if you’ve been driving, be sure to wash your hands before you use the bathroom.

 

According to the Japanese government, the nation has about 5,400 homeless who live primarily in 24-hour Internet cafes.  ***MARLAR: So the homeless have laptops?  Maybe they could Google “homeless shelters.”

 

Psychology researcher Felix Warneken of Germany’s Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology discovered that babies develop altruism at around 18 months. He did household tasks in front of 24 different toddlers. Every time he knocked over a book or dropped a clothespin, the toddler would quickly crawl over, pick up the object, and hand it back. He never asked for help or said “thank you” because he didn’t want to influence their behavior. But he found that the babies only helped when he appeared to accidentally drop something and needed help, not when it looked like he did it on purpose. ***MARLAR: Yet they never, NEVER picked up their own toys.

 

Danish researchers can offer some reassurance if you’re concerned about your cellphone: Don’t worry. Your device is probably safe.  The biggest study ever to examine the possible connection between cellphones and cancer found no evidence of any link, suggesting that billions of people who are rarely more than a few inches from their phones have no special health concerns.  The Danish study of more than 350,000 people concluded there was no difference in cancer rates between people who had used a cellphone for about a decade and those who did not.  ***MARLAR: But more cell-phone users did suffer health issues due to texting and walking into light poles.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Anonymous”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Daren Streblow, “Hotel Pools”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Boy can I relate to that one!  But hey, maybe Uncle Racquet will know a thing or two about… uh… well, whatever skunks learn in school.  We’ll find out next time As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 26/27

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns!  Last time, Cheetah Bonita – one of the three-part-harmony-singing Cheetah Sisters came up with a brand new song to share with everyone.  But it quickly became apparent that this new song not only didn’t have three part harmony – but it didn’t have any harmony at all!  It was a solo!

 

CLOSE: I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of Cheetah Bonita’s new Me-My-I song.  Hopefully we’ll hear a new tune next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

While some driving exams go better than others, it’s not very likely that you’ll get your driver’s license if you get into an accident during your test.

It’s even less likely if you ram your car into the DMV building. Just ask Ashburn, Virginia’s Nita Sureka. While trying to demonstrate her parking skills to the examiner, she crashed into the side of the building, putting a gash in the wall. Nita also found out that just because you don’t have a license, it doesn’t mean that police can’t give you a ticket for reckless driving.

  • PHONER: Did anything bad or embarrassing happen to you (or someone you know) while learning to drive?  Share your!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

  • Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. –Deuteronomy 21
  • Find a prostitute and marry her. –Hosea (Hosea 1)
  • When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a… woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” –Samson (Judges 14)
  • Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. –Moses (Exodus 2)
  • Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. –Boaz (Ruth 4)
  • Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. –Benjaminites (Judges 21)
  • Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. –Adam (Genesis 2)
  • Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. –Jacob (Genesis 29)
  • Don’t be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. –Solomon (1 Kings 11)
  • A wife?… NOT!!! –Paul (1 Corinthians 7)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The chips were down for one crook in Braddock, Pennsylvania – the potato chips.

 

FILE #1: The unidentified crook in Braddock, Pennsylvania was a regular at Al’s Market, but was a little short on cash when he came in to buy some potato chips. Al let him have the chips when he promised to pay him back later. True to his word, the man returned a minute later, but with a bandanna over his face as he put a gun to Al’s head. The 60-year-old Al fought back and subdued the guy and held the gun on him until police arrived and arrested him.

 

FILE #2: Some crooks get scared straight. 22-year-old Joshua Crowley, of Camas, Washington, has probably been embarrassed straight. Joshua recently robbed the local KFC at knifepoint. While the robbery went smoothly enough, the getaway was less than successful. When the manager ran out and alerted passersby, one gave chase. The 22-year-old knife-wielding Joshua was quickly captured, subdued and held for police by 66-year-old Mary Chamberlain.

 

FILE #3: Milwaukee’s John J. Miller filed for bankruptcy in 2004. Unhappy with how his case was handled, Miller later sued officials in U.S. district court and lost. He appealed and lost again. This month, Miller’s request to re-open his case was denied. Miller’s next plan was to write letters threatening to kill the judge who handled the case and blow up a courthouse. Miller took his handwritten, signed letter down to Kinko’s and faxed them in. While signing the letters was a dumb thing to do, it was even more stupid to leave the original on Kinko’s fax machine. Miller will be enjoying free room and board behind bars for the time being.

 

STRANGE LAW: Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine in Provo, UT.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman sues Volkswagen because her husband was driving drunk!

In New York State there is a woman suing Volkswagen. You see, her husband, with a blood-alcohol level twice the legal limit, smashed into a utility pole and was severely injured. She is suing Volkswagen for not making a car that can keep an occupant with twice the legal blood alcohol level safe when they smash their car into a utility pole. That’s right, the woman is blaming Volkswagen because they didn’t make the car so that it would keep her drunk husband from driving it! And what does she say about her husband’s being plastered and driving at the same time? “It’s unfortunate that he was drinking, but, you know, people have drinks after work, and they’ve got to go home.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Are you addicted to a fast food item?  What is it?  For a while there I was addicted to McDonald’s Iced Coffee – now it is Culver’s Heath Bar concretes.  What fast food item are YOU addicted to?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the original name of Israel?

ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 32:28)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What carbonated soft drink, introduced in 1982, was the #3 U.S. seller in two years?

ANSWER: Diet Coke

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. If all the water in the atmosphere at any one time was to fall as rain, it would cover the entire Earth’s surface to a depth of 1 inch. (True)

 

  1. The most popular gift that teachers receive in the United States from their students is an apple. (False – chocolate)

 

  1. TWIX Caramel Cookie Bars were first introduced in 1979. (True)

 

  1. China uses the most energy per year than any other country. (False – Japan)

 

  1. Koala bears sleep up to 19 hours a day. (True… lucky koala bears.)

 

  1. The oldest musical instrument is the harp. (False – flute)

 

  1. Beethoven’s last symphony was his 9th. (True)

 

  1. The last line ever spoken by Marilyn Monroe on the silver screen was “How do you find your way back in the dark?” (True – the line is from the 1961 film The Misfits with Clark Gable. She died in 1962.)

 

  1. Charles Schultz died the night before his last original Peanuts Comic Strip was published. (True. The last strip was published February 13, 2000)

 

  1. Olympic gold medals are made of pure gold. (False. The 1912 Olympics was the last Olympics that gave out gold medals that were made entirely out of gold.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ PHONE (ALIEN)

A new alien “phone”  can send messages through the Earth and to planets outside the Milky Way.

A new “alien phone” has been developed.  It was first tested by sending messages through 500 miles of solid rock. Scientists say it will help us communicate with aliens.

“It’s a major break-through,” said Dr. John Malley of the United Nations.  ”This device, though a bit large at the moment, has the potential to open communication with aliens as soon as this summer.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A single friend of mine probably won’t make a great mother. She was visiting with a friend and her friend’s baby when the friend had to use the restroom. Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend asked, “What’ll I do if he cries?”
“Feed him some vegetables,” the mother called back.
It turns out that jalapeno peppers aren’t the baby’s favorite.

 

JOKE #2

Because their former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, the pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.

Once he asked Christine’s husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for her husband’s safety, Christine waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to her, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to Christine, probably assuming she was praying. Worried about her husband, she looked up toward the ceiling and yelled,

“Sam, Sam — are you up there? Did you make it okay?”

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”

 

JOKE #3

The local supermarket has just been equipped with a “talking” cash register. Pam listened, amused, as a mechanical voice announced each item and its price when the clerk passed it over the scanner. After everything had been checked through, the relentless machine told the total and, after she paid, the change due. The cashier, who had not yet spoken, got the change and closed the drawer of the finally silent cash register. Looking at Pam, she said smugly, “I still get to say ‘thank you.’

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A South African man bit his way to freedom after he was attacked by a python that tried to squeeze him to death.  ***MARLAR: Afterwards, he commented that when your entire life is flashing before your eyes, raw python tastes a lot like chicken.

 

A Neiman Marcus security guard apprehended a young woman who shoplifted a pair of jeans and started yelling, “It’s too late, I already left the store!”  ***MARLAR: Ah yes, the law that states “if you get away with it then it’s not illegal.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BEETLEMANIA

Two Volkswagen Beetle lady drivers met in the parking lot and one says “I don’t know what it is, but my engine makes a funny noise.”

So the other driver asks her to open the engine hood in order to have a look at it. They walk to the front of the car, she opens the hood and shrieks, “No wonder – someone stole my engine!”

“No problem” says the other “I have a spare in the back.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Your La-Z-Boy may make you look like one!

That’s because sitting shuts down your fat burners – according to scientists at the University of Missouri. After examining the muscle tissue of people being active and of those kicking back, the researchers concluded that parking your butt switches off an enzyme that prevents fat storage. “The enzyme is mostly found in the muscles that keep you standing up, so if they aren’t active, the enzyme doesn’t function,” says study author Marc Hamilton, Ph.D. Just one more reason to spend more time on your feet.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ISLAND OF FEELINGS

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, “Richness, can you take me with you?” Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, “Vanity, please help me!” “I can’t help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat.” Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, “Sadness, let me go with you.” “Oh….Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who helped me?” “It was Time,” Knowledge answered.

“Time?” asked Love. “But why did Time help me?” Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is.”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

QUANTUM LEAP

Let’s take a quantum leap back in time. It’s April 6,1415. We’re in a city called Constance on the border between what are now Germany and Switzerland. A man named John Huss is bravely facing the angry taunts of dignified churchmen. They have accused him of heresy for his belief in the authority of God’s Word.

As we watch, the tone of the trial turns ugly. What started as a forum for Huss to express his views has turned into a mock trial. Before we can do anything to stop them, the men have dragged Huss outside and tied him to a stake. They won’t be happy until this threat to their religious system is dead.

As the breezes from nearby Lake Bodensee blow through Huss’ hair and beard, his accusers stack the wood. Then they place a crudely made paper crown on his head. The crown is covered with painted devils.

Huss responds, “My Lord Jesus Christ, for my sake, wore a crown of thorns; why should not I then, for His sake, wear this light crown?” The accusers continue to crowd around as we wonder, Can this really be happening?

One more time they ask Huss to renounce his beliefs. Remarkably, we hear him respond, “In the truth of the gospel which I preached, I die willingly and joyfully today.”

We are stunned by the implication of those words. Full reality hits as someone touches a burning torch to the wood. Flames lick around the accused. But what’s that sound? Singing? Yes, it is John Huss, using his last breath to sing, “Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, have mercy on me.”

Fast forward to today. Some of God’s faithful servants have recently been martyred for their faith. Some people listening to my voice face opposition and hostility when they witness. How does your love for Jesus compare with theirs?

 

 

LEFTOVERS

BURNING LOVE

One boy is hot for a girl… really hot… flaming hot…

Todd Grannis of Grants Pass, Oregon, proposed to his girlfriend by soaking his cape in gasoline, setting it on fire, jumping into a swimming pool, then climbing out to say, “I’m on fire for you.”  ***MARLAR: His girlfriend was a little shaken by his stunt, but she did say yes – mostly for the upcoming life insurance jackpot.

 

OTHER OFF THE WALL PROPOSAL IDEAS…

  • Have your parole officer pass on the request.
  • Get “Will you marry me?” tattooed on your forehead.
  • Handcuff yourself to her arm and throw away the key.
  • Send her an email.
  • Burp your proposal.
  • Carrier pigeon
  • Dress up like a bride and show up at her office.
  • Get a restraining order, have her arrested, then tell her she’s been “punk’d” and you really just want to marry her.
  • Kidnap her and take her on Oprah to proclaim your love.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE

That old saying about it being better to give than to receive is now a scientific fact.

…According to a report in the journal Science, people who gave to others or to charities reported they were happier than folks who didn’t share. While previous studies have shown that having more money can increase happiness, researchers wanted to know if the way people spent their money made any difference an d it turns out that it does. If you want to be happy and you’re broke, cheer up. You can also be happier by giving your time as a volunteer.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

A man claims a variety of psychiatric injuries – because he saw a fly in his water!

Waddah Mustapha of Windsor, Ontario, claims he suffered “major depression, anxiety, specific phobias, and obsession thoughts” that ruined his life and hair salon business and even made it hard for him to shower, all because he found a dead fly in a bottle of drinking water. He saw it before he opened it, so he didn’t drink any; he just saw it. A jury awarded him $341,775 damages.  ***MARLAR: Waddah Mustapha – wadddah you thinking?!?!

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN

  • You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
  • You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
  • You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
  • The Blue Book lists your car under “Health Risk.”
  • The only thing holding your bumper on is the “Dukakis/Bentsen in ’88” sticker.
  • You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
  • The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You might be doing the very thing you need to avoid a stroke and you don’t even realize it!

A report in Breaking Christian News finds that coffee and green tea both might help to lower the risk of a stroke. The researchers interviewed more than 83,000 Japanese adults about their green tea and coffee drinking habits, following them for an average of 13 years. They found that people who drank at least one cup of coffee daily had about a 20 percent lower risk of stroke and those who drank two to three cups of green tea daily lowered their risk of stroke by 14 percent.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A Purple Heart earned during World War II will soon be returned to the recipient’s family in Missouri after it was sold for $4.99 at an Arizona Goodwill store. Laura Hardy says she was shopping at a Mesa, Arizona, Goodwill recently when her husband spotted the Purple Heart on display in the store’s jewelry section. Hardy returned home and posted the medal on her Facebook page, along with the name on the back of the medal, Eual H. Whiteman. The next morning, Hardy received a phone call from a Facebook group — Veteran Buddy Finder — that helps veterans find each other. The owners of the facebook page tracked down a relative of Mr. Whiteman and will be returning the medal.

http://abcn.ws/1Z1Sp16

 

Death is a bit of a morbid topic, but let’s face it, we’re all going to die someday and it’s okay to think ahead about how we want our remains handled. Are you going the burial route or the cremation route? If you’re planning on cremation but don’t want your ashes sitting around in an urn on a mantel for decades, check out And Vinyly. The company turns ashes into vinyl records, and these vinyl records will play, if you happen to have an old turntable lying around. From the “And Vinyl” homepage: We offer you the chance to press your ashes in a personal message, your last will & testament, your own soundtrack.

http://www.mnn.com/money/sustainable-business-practices/blogs/turn-cremated-remains-into-a-vinyl-record

 

About 5,000 Christians turned out in the mile-high city to hear why Franklin Graham believes no political party or politician can turn America around. During the stop on Graham’s Decision America Tour, Franklin urged those gathered to live out their faith boldly and pray for the nation and its leaders. He is urging Christians to confess the sins of the nation, their personal sins, and those of their fathers. Graham also asked participants to go to the Decision America Tour website and sign the pledge to both God and country. The pledge incorporates 1 Corinthians 3:11: “For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ” as well as 2 Chronicles 7:14.

http://go.cbn.com/7517

 

 

An Internet website has now made 900 classic arcade games available online for free. The online home of the Wayback Machine, and archive of old web sites, has added some 900 classic arcade games like Pacman, Galaga, Frogger, and Centipede that you can play in a web browser. According to The Huffington Post, the games are part of a larger JavaScript project. They say the games are not perfect but many come pretty close.  https://archive.org/details/internetarcade

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above- average drivers.” –Dave Barry

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 25, 2016…

 

Batman vs. Superman—Well, it had to happen. If  “Cowboys and Aliens” became a movie with Harrison Ford, then Batman can fight Superman in a movie, with assistance by another comic book character.  (Guess who?) In this film, Jesse Eisenberg plays an annoying genius who is trying to pit the two world heroes against each other.  Batman (Ben Affleck with a stern jaw line like Robo-Cop), it seems, has a disagreement with Superman (Henry Cavill).  Also in the cast are Amy Adams and Diane Lane. “Batman vs. Superman” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans..

 

Justice League vs. Teen Titans—An animated film concerning the young super-powers who have to learn to work as a team.  Voices of Jon Bernthal, Jerry O’Connell and Rosario Dawson. “Justice League vs. Teen Titans” is rated PG. No rating.

 

The Disappoints Room—Another horror film concerning a mother and son moving into an old mansion (sigh).  This one stars Kate Beckinsale, Gerald McRaney and Duncan Joiner. This mansion happens to be in the Deep South. “The Disappointments Room” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Big Fat Greek Wedding 2—A continuation of the last Big Fat Greek Wedding.  In the second film, there is a family secret that comes to light and it involves someone thinking they were already married. The usual suspects are here including Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine and Lainie Kazan. “Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

I Saw The Light—This film, a bio-pic on the life of the late singer Hank Williams, was supposed to have been released last fall.  It is now (hopefully) opening and it is good, with British star Tom Hiddleston doing his own singing.  Can we say, “wow” now? Also in the cast is Elizabeth Olsen as his wife. Shows the ups and downs of his career. “I Saw The Light” is rated R. Rating of 4.

 

APRIL 01, 2016…

 

Collide stars Nicholas Hoult in a story of trying to escape from the mob.

 

Amityville: The Awakening is a fresh start (again?) of living in a haunted house. Stars Bella Thorne.

 

Everyone Wants Some is about a 1980’s college baseball team. Stars Blake Jenner.

 

Pandemic and another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. Stars Missi Pyle and Mekki Phifer.

 

Meet The Blacks has Mike Epps and his family winning big and leaving Chicago for the West Coast.

 

Miles Ahead stars Don Cheadle as the late jazz musician Miles Davis.

 

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