March 26, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160326

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Caution! Today’s program may contain humor that is unsuitable for mature listeners.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice.  — Psalm 112:5

 

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. — Romans 6:23

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you. — Proverbs 20:22

 

Thought: Revenge is Satan’s way of destroying both the innocent and the offender. Once vengeance becomes the motivation, the wounded party can suddenly be swept up in rage and hatred. This poison spreads to everything the vengeful person touches. On earth, we can see that we will never find perfect and complete justice, no matter the “goodness” of the judicial system in place at the time. But God will not only bring justice; he will deliver us: deliver us from the hands of the oppressor and deliver us from the poison of hatred.

 

Prayer: Forgiving Lord, God of all justice and steadfast love, I ask you to be at work in the justice system of my land. Make it more equitable and true. Expose those who buy and sell justice and remove them from power. Deal with the violent and the oppressor with your hand. Please Lord, by the power of your Spirit, stir me to forgive others and to wait on your justice. Guard me from the poison of an unforgiving and vengeful heart. May my attitude, behavior, and response to those who wrong me help lead them to know your Son as their Savior. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Proverbs 3:26 NIV = for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MARCH 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 273 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is POPEYE DAY in Crystal City, Texas… it was on this day in 1937 that spinach growers in the city unveiled a statue of their hero, Popeye the Sailor, on the town square. It’s still there. *** You have to wonder about keeping Popeye as a spokesperson though. Sure, he might be strong when he eats his spinach, but look at the side effects… one eye closed at all times, over-inflated forearms, and indistinguishable speech! (audio clip)

 

Today is BALTIMORE ORIOLE APPRECIATION DAY.  *** Not the baseball team – just the bird.  Nobody appreciates the baseball team.

 

Today is MAKE UP YOUR OWN HOLIDAY DAY, a day to name for whatever you wish.  *** I’m kinda fond of, “Ask for a Raise and Automatically Receive It Day” myself.  Has a nice ring, don’t you think?  Here are a few more ideas…

  • Spring Cleaning Procrastination Day.
  • Tell A Basketball Player to Stop Wiping His Nose on His Straps Day.
  • Cut Congress in Half Day.
  • Spring Cat Cleaning Day. For best results use the “Delicate” cycle.
  • Spring Sock Hunting Day, a day to turn the house upside-down to find all those missing odd socks.  And if you don’t find them, it becomes
    .

 

PHONER: So – if you could make up your own holiday, what would it be?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Legal Assistants Day

Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

Purple Day

Spinach Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MARCH 27

Easter

Plum Pudding Day

Celebrate Exchange Day

Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

 

MONDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day

Be Mad Day

Dyngus Day

Mule Day

Virtual Advocacy Day

Weed Appreciation Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day

National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day

Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day

Texas Loves The Children Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30

Doctors Day

Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day

I Am In Control Day

Manatee Appreciation Day

Pencil Day

Torrents Day

World Bi-Polar Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day

Cesar Chavez Day

International Hug a Medievalist Day

National “She’s Funny That Way” Day

Terri’s Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day

April Fools Day / All Fools Day

Atheist Day

Boomer Bonus Day

Hospital Admitting Clerks Day

National Walk to Work Day

International Tatting Day

Library Snap Shot Day

Myles Day

National Fun Day

National Fun at Work Day

Poetry & The Creative Mind Day

Reading Is Funny Day

Sorry Charlie Day

St. Stupid Day

U.S. Air Force Academy Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 02

Every Day is Tag Day

International Children’s Book Day

International Pillow Fight Day

National Ferret Day

National Love Your Produce Manager Day

National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day

Reconciliation Day

Tangible Karma Day

World Autism Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day

Fan Dance Day

Find a Rainbow Day

Black Marriage Day

Pony Express Day

Tweed Day

Weed Out Hate: Sow The Seeds of Greatness Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 04

International Day for Mine Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action

National Love Our Children Day

Passover

Square Root Day

Tater Day (It’s Sweet Potatoes)

Victims of Violence Wholly Day

Vitamin C Day

World Rat Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1885: The Eastman Dry Plate and Film Company of Rochester, New York, manufactured the first commercial motion picture film.

 

1886: Asa Yoelson was born in Srednick, Russia. As Al Jolson, his hits included “Raggin’ the Baby to Sleep,” “The Spaniard That Blighted My Life,” “Swanee,” “Sonny Boy,” “My Mammy,” and “April Showers.”

 

1937: Spinach growers in Crystal City, Texas, unveiled a statue of their hero, Popeye the Sailor, on the town square. It’s still there.

 

1951: During an exhibition game between the New York Yankees and the USC Trojans, 19-year-old rookie Mickey Mantle hit a 660-foot home run out of USC’s Bovard Stadium.

 

1964: Barbra Streisand debuted on Broadway in “Funny Girl.”

 

1968: The TV movie “Marcus Welby: M.D.” drew such a large audience it would return in the fall and become a long-running series, starring Robert Young, James Brolin, and Elena Verdugo. (audio clip)

 

1971: William Conrad starred as “Cannon” on CBS-TV. The highly rated pilot turned into a popular TV series. (audio clip)

 

1973: The daytime soap drama “The Young & The Restless” debuted on CBS-TV.

 

1987: Actor Walter Abel died at age 88. His films included “The Three Musketeers” of 1935, “Hold Back the Dawn,” “Holiday Inn,” and “Raintree County.”

 

1994: Roger Clinton married Molly Martin at the Arboretum and Botanical Garden in Dallas. President Bill Clinton was his brother’s best man.

 

1995: A Cloucester, England, man was charged with criminal damage after he shot his old Ford Sierra seven times with a shotgun.

 

1999: Dr. Jack Kevorkian was convicted in Pontiac, Michigan, of second-degree murder for giving a patient with Lou Gehrig’s disease a lethal injection, an action videotaped and broadcast on television.

 

2000: The Seattle Kingdome was imploded to make way for a new football arena.

 

2000: Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

 

2003: Tony Evans of Swansea, Wales, dropped the world’s largest rubber band ball out of an airplane over the Mojave Desert in Arizona to see if it would bounce. It didn’t. The one-ton record breaking ball took 20 seconds to drop a mile and stayed firmly rooted in the crater it created. Evans had spent five years building the ball.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

655: Deusdedit becomes the first English-born Archbishop of Canterbury. He served until 664.

 

752: Stephen III assumes the papacy after Stephen II dies. But Stephen III is sometimes called Stephen II, since the real Stephen II hardly counts: he died a mere four days after his election!

 

1521: Charles V convenes the Diet of Worms; it orders Luther’s books destroyed.

 

1775: Henry Alline is converted. He feels the urge to revive the faith of his province, becomes a leader of the “New Light” movement and goes on to become the “Apostle of Nova Scotia.”

 

1831: Richard Allen, founder of the African Methodist Episcopal Church and the first black bishop in America, dies at age 71.

 

1859: Francois Coillard, missionary to South Africa, preaches a sermon on the fable of the ant and grasshopper. It is reenacted by Africans to this day.

 

1957: Dr. Basil Miller founds the Basil Miller Foundation, now known as World-Wide Mission. It supports Christian workers in many countries with medical relief.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Pirates of the Caribbean, Pride & Prejudice, King Arthur, The Hole) Keira Knightley 31
  • actress (Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn, Ferris Beuler’s Day Off, Bounce) Jennifer Grey is 56
  • TV’s (RoboCop, RoboCop 2, “Dancing With the Stars”) Leeza Gibbons 59 (audio clip)
  • comic (“Primetime Glick,” The Santa Clause 3, Jungle 2 Jungle, Mars Attacks, “SCTV”) Martin Short 66
  • actress/talk show host (“The Carol Burnett Show”, “Mama’s Family”) Vicki Lawrence 67 (audio clip)
  • actor (“Las Vegas,” The Godfather, Misery, Elf) James Caan 76 (audio clip)
  • Former U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi 76
  • actor (The Santa Clause 3, Little Miss Sunshine, Firewall, Grosse Pointe Blank) Alan Arkin 82

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Al Jolson

1917 : Rufus Thomas

1934 : Alan Arkin (The Tarriers)

1936 : Fred Parris (The Five Satins)

1940 : Rod Lauren

1944 : Diana Ross

1946 : Johnny Crawford

1946 : Fred Sheehan (Boston)

1948 : Steven Tyler (born Stephen Victor Tallarico)

1948 : Richard Tandy (Electric Light Orchestra)

1949 : Vicki Lawrence

1950 : Teddy Pendergrass (Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes)

1953 : Billy Lyall (The Bay City Rollers)

1968 : Kenny Chesney

1968 : James Iha (The Smashing Pumpkins)

1975 : Juvenile

1976 : David Keuning (The Killers)

1976 : Duster Bennett

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why does Easter keep moving around on the calendar?

Easter Sunday is the date of the annual celebration of Christ’s resurrection. In the church calendar, Easter Sunday is the point of reference from which the entire church calendar year of movable events is calculated. Easter always occurs on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. The date of Easter can be as early as March 22 or as late as April 25. The aim of the Easter Dating Method is to maintain, for each Easter Sunday, the same season of the year and the same relationship to the preceding astronomical full moon that occurred at the time of his resurrection in 30 A.D.
The date for Easter has not always been calculated in this way. In the first two centuries A.D., in Asia Minor, Christians celebrated Easter on the third day after the first full moon of spring. It was always the third day, regardless of the day of the week on which this occurred. This date was based on the Jewish Passover. The Jewish month consists of one lunar phase of 28 days beginning and ending with the full moon. The full moon, therefore, always occurs on the fourteenth of every month of the Jewish calendar. Passover is the fourteenth of the month of Nisan. Not all Quartodecimans chose to celebrate Easter on the same day, some celebrated Easter on Passover day, some three days after Passover. According to the Gospels the Last Supper took place on Passover Eve and the Resurrection three days later. For this reason Easter was celebrated independent of any particular weekday. The followers of this dating for Easter were known as the Quartodecimans (quartodecimus = 14, for 14th of Nissan).

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

The ministry of the band Unspoken is expanding. A representative from The Mission in Tennessee posted this week: Unspoken is my new favorite group. I’m planning on using their music heavily in our work with addicts.

 

What do Jeremy Camp and his band do on the bus to keep themselves occupied between shows? The latest activity of choice was a new app on their iPhones that allowed them to feel like producers. Jeremy recorded a video as he and the rest of the band tried their hands at producing some new beats.

http://youtu.be/eIdqch8zA2s?a

 

Mandisa is NOT a morning person. She posted: My favorite time to sing Good Morning is at night!

 

Worship Leader Lenny Leblanc is making a series of video workshops available free of charge. In the series of workshop sessions, Lenny shares practical tips on how best to play a wide variety of instruments in a worship setting. He says new videos are posted every week. Check out the videos…

http://bit.ly/1In0KIP

 

Switchfoot on their new album, known as Album 10: Sometimes really beautiful things come from the ashes of adversity.

 

Ben and David Blascoe are going to bat for barbers. The brothers were both part of Citizenway before Ben’s retirement earlier this year. But while they are no longer together on stage, they do stand together in their support of barbers. Ben posted: I think being a Barber is an enviable endeavor. It’s a shame they don’t make more. David replied: nobody is willing to pay them more because of cost cutters. Real barbers cost money.

 

Sanctus Real’s new start is off with a bang. The band played their first show since Dustin replaced Matt as the front man for the group and it was a sell out crowd. To make it even better, the event was a benefit show for Cherry Street Ministries, a mission in downtown Toledo, Ohio.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDPHfYJOOWH/

 

Kutless member James Mead was in a familiar place this week. He shared a selfie in front of the library where he spent a lot of time when he was young. James posted: I lived in a big old white house next door to the library, in an apartment on the second floor. As a young boy, I was constantly scared of being at home, where my step-father would beat me. I spent a lot of time at the library. I read everything. The dictionary. Encyclopedias. History books. Novels. Everything. I am thankful for this place, and I am thankful for the transformative power of God, who changed me from an angry and scared young boy to the man I am now. Place your hope in Jesus. He will lead you through anything. No matter how dark it seems, He is the light of the world!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDM-_l0pdQz/

 

Citizen Way’s David Blascoe found the perfect was to end the Rock and Worship Roadshow tour. David replaced Family Force 5’s regular drummer, Teddy “Hollywood” Boldt, on their song Cray Button and then the members of the band say they all went crazy.

 

Good news for Mercyme fans. Members of the band tweeted today that work on a new album is officially underway. Several guys from Mercyme have been laying the ground work for the new project over the past several weeks but now they are all together and officially getting to work. No word on when the latest project from Mercyme will be available.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDRSQuyEk5I/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Time Machine Parts”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “My Wife”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, we were at Racquet the Skunk’s house – and it turns out that his niece, Rita the Skunk, is staying with him this week while her parents are out of town.  Gruffy just dropped Rita off at Racquet’s house after picking her up from school, and Rita is a bit depressed.  Something to do with homework, it seems…

 

CLOSE: Waaaaait a minute.  I think I can see where this one’s going.  Do you?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 26/27

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns!  Last time, Cheetah Bonita – one of the three-part-harmony-singing Cheetah Sisters came up with a brand new song to share with everyone.  But it quickly became apparent that this new song not only didn’t have three part harmony – but it didn’t have any harmony at all!  It was a solo!

 

CLOSE: I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of Cheetah Bonita’s new Me-My-I song.  Hopefully we’ll hear a new tune next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A dead guy comes back to life!

Here’s why you should always get a second opinion. Four months after he was declared brain dead and doctors were about to remove his organs for transplant, 21-year-old Zach Dunlap says he feels “pretty good.”  Yep… Zach is alive and doing well.  Zach was pronounced dead November 19 at United Regional Healthcare System in Wichita Falls, Texas, after he was injured in an all-terrain vehicle accident. The doctors committed a Moment of DUH by declaring him dead – and they even convinced Zach’s family to approve having his organs harvested. But as Zach’s family was paying their last respects, Zach moved his foot and hand. 48 days later he went home. Zach said on the NBC Today show, “I feel pretty good.” He also said he has no recollection of the crash.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

  1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
  2. Leak-proof thermoses will.
  3. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
  5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
  6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
  7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
  8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
  9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
  10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It had to be pretty funny to see a string of police cars chasing a doughnut delivery van at speeds up to 100 mph!

 

FILE #1: In Toledo, Iowa, police were not jonesin’ for a donut — they were chasing a stolen doughnut van and finally arrested the driver at gunpoint. The van, owned by Donut Delite, was stolen early Thursday while the driver was making deliveries at a hospital. Authorities finally cornered it in neighboring Tama County and arrested 46-year-old Frank Alvarado. And it worked out well for the officers — the doughnut shop gave them all the donuts left in the van.

 

FILE #2: In Kerkrade, Netherlands, a man shoplifted a package of meat from a supermarket, then rushed to his car, shaking off a clerk who jumped on his car hood to try to stop him. But he left behind one piece of evidence: his 12-year-old son. Police identified the thief through his son and contacted him, but he refused to come get the boy, telling the cops to call the kid’s mother instead. But they preferred to deal with him, and he later turned himself in to the police.

 

FILE #3: A thief must have worn himself out robbing a home in Maine. The crook was so sleepy that he took a nap just after robbing a home. The odd part is that he decided to take the nap in the home he just robbed! Police say the man entered the house and piled the objects he was stealing by the door. That’s when he decided to catch a few Z’s. A neighbor noticed a strange vehicle in the driveway of the house and alerted police. When they arrived, officers found the man asleep on a bed in the home where they arrested him. Police chief Bob Snow said, “He said he was real tired and so he was just going to take a quick nap. Unfortunately his internal alarm clock just didn’t buzz.”

 

STRANGE LAW: In Clarendon, TX, it is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One man drives drunk – but left his car at home before going out drinking!

21-year-old John Osborne, of Nitro, West Virginia, decided to go to nearby Charleston for a night of drinking. A sober thinking John started the evening by taking a bus downtown to avoid driving drunk. Unfortunately, that would be the last sober thought John would have for awhile. When it was time to go home early the next morning, John stole a Charleston Police cruiser and drove it around with the lights and siren on. After a brief chase, John crashed the cruiser and was arrested. Amazingly, a field sobriety test found John to be under the legal limit.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

My wife and I were watching the movie “Weird Science” the other day on TV.  We both remembered it as a really funny, entertaining movie.  But once we started watching it, I was bored out of my mind – why did I ever like that movie to begin with?  Are there any movies (or TV shows) you thought were great the first time and then realized later that they were gosh awful?  (audio clip)

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”

ANSWER: Peter (1 Peter 4:18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Your skin is dry and flaky.  What kitchen item should you massage it with?

ANSWER: Milk. The lactose sloughs off dead skin cells (Vitality magazine).

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. A wooden racket was last used at Wimbledon in 2002. (False – 1987)

 

  1. Alcatraz Federal Prison was closed in March of 1968. (False, 1963. The facility had served as a US military prison from 1859 to 1933 and as a federal prison from 1933. Frank Wathernam was the last prisoner to leave Alcatraz prison on March 21, 1963.)

 

  1. India has a Bill of Rights for cows. (True)

 

  1. After the Popeye comic strip started in 1931, spinach consumption went up by 33 per cent in the United States. (True)

 

  1. The average person spends two days of their life kissing. (False – two weeks)

 

  1. Playwright Shakespeare was only 18 years old when he married Ann Hathaway, who was 26 years old at the time. (True)

 

  1. A Herpetologist is a person who studies human skin. (False – reptiles and amphibians)

 

  1. The Pacific island of Tonga once issued a stamp that was banana shaped. (True)

 

  1. A person would have to drink more than 12 cups of hot cocoa to equal the amount of caffeine found in one cup of coffee. (True)

 

  1. Delivery times for Dominoes pizza in Hong Kong is primarily influenced by elevator traffic. (True. Due to a high level of congestion, most of pizza delivery man’s time is spent waiting for and riding elevators.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ DONUTS (FAKE)

A twelve-year-old girl has solved the mystery of the plain donuts – it’s fake!

In a scathing 127-word writing exercise,  a 12-year-old girl,  found on Facebook by Buzzfeed, finally tells the world the truth about plain donuts – they are bagels!

The 12-year-old called out the plain donuts and her writing exercise has been sent to Dunkin’ Donuts, who is now considering renaming the plain donuts.  The 12-year-old is being heralded by law enforcement agencies around the country for her investigative skills and her ability to draw conclusions based on observable facts.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The doctor says to first gal, “What is three times three?”

“297,” was her prompt reply.

“Um hmm,” says the doctor. The doctor says to the second lady, “It’s your turn now. What is three times three?”

“Friday,” she replies.

“Um hmm…” Then the doc says to the third, “Okay, Mam, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says she.

“That’s wonderful!” says the doctor. “Tell me, now did you get that answer?”

“Simple,” she says, beaming… “I just subtracted 297 from Friday!”

 

JOKE #2

A man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it got when one day she was scratching his back, and he said “No, not there. Scroll down a little.”

 

JOKE #3

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Every three seconds a baby is born somewhere in the world.  ***MARLAR: You gotta feel sorry for the mother of that kid!

 

North Korea has declared war on long hair. A new campaign, led by state-run TV, denounces long hair on men as a sign of a corrupt capitalist lifestyle that robs the brain of energy and intelligence development by consuming too much nutrition. ***MARLAR: Gosh – imagine how brilliant Einstein would’ve been if he’d had a buzz cut!

 

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have created a new rat heart in a laboratory. ***MARLAR: And just in time; we were losing too many rats to heart disease.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BURGLAR

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!” The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house. As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”

The thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”

The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

ELDERLY DRIVERS

Does your driving get better or worse as you age?

The good news is you become a better driver as you get older. The bad news is, only until you reach your 50’s… then it’s downhill again. Statistics show that the highest driving related fatality rates are among drivers above the age of 85 and below the age of 17. ***MARLAR: Sometimes it’s tough to spot the really young driver, but you can spot the older driver easily.  Just look for a car in front of you that appears to be driven by a hat and has had its left blinker on for the last ten blocks.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CELL PHONE VS THE BIBLE

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat  our cell phone?

  • What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
  • What if we flipped through it several times a day?
  • What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
  • What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
  • What if we treated it like we couldn’t live without it?
  • What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
  • What if we used it when we traveled?
  • What if we used it in case of emergency?
  • This is something to make you go…..hmm…where is my Bible?
  • Oh, and one more   Unlike our cell phone, we don’t have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because  Jesus already paid the  bill.

Makes you stop and think ‘where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD USED A TOOTHACHE

By: Brent High

Friday morning (September 17, 1999) I was reading the paper and noticed Darrell Scott (father of Rachel Scott, a student who was killed at Columbine High School) was coming to speak Sunday afternoon at Two Rivers Baptist Church in Nashville.

I really wanted to go hear what Mr. Scott had to say but was a little apprehensive about announcing anything to my youth group about the event since it was going to be held at a Baptist church. I had a feeling someone would get offended if I promoted it. So, instead of any announcement in the main worship assembly, at the end of my Sunday school class I made mention of the event, told my high school kids I’d be going and invited anyone to ride with me who wanted to go.

I expected to take two or three kids in my truck. Instead I ended up having to fire up the White House Church of Christ van as 11 of us made the short trek to Two Rivers.

I wish I could have recorded the looks on the faces of everyone we passed in the parking lot at Two Rivers as our van, with all its Church of Christ lettering, motored to a resting place. Shock. Disbelief. Happiness. I’d be a rich man if I had a dime for every person I saw mouthing the words, “Church of Christ???” as we passed.

I guess we broke traditional protocol, but we had a face-to-face meeting with God we would never have had if we hadn’t.

The service was unbelievable. Just five short months after the April 20 tragedy, Mr. Scott shared the “untold” stories from Columbine, the stories the liberal media may never tell, the stories he has dedicated every waking moment of the rest of his life to sharing. He talked at length about the 12 students, including his daughter Rachel, who left this world on April 20.

Of the 12 students who died, eight professed to be Christians.

As Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris (the two gunmen) came down the hill behind the school to begin their assault, their first target was Mark Taylor. At the very moment bullets pierced Mark’s body, he was witnessing to two of his friends about his relationship with Jesus Christ.

They next turned their guns on Rachel. Three weeks earlier Rachel had witnessed to Dylan and Eric and warned them about the violent video games to which they seemed to be addicted. Their first shot hit Rachel in the leg. A second plowed through her backpack into her midsection, knocking her to the ground. One of the gunmen walked over to where Rachel lay face down, still alive. He pulled her up by the hair of her head and asked, “Do you still believe in God?”

“You know that I do,” Rachel managed to reply.

Immediately after her reply a bullet entered her temple.

Mr. Scott shared the story of John Tomlin, another victim. John had been on mission trips to Mexico and was hungry to do more. During each school day he decided to do something small in hopes it might cause someone to think about spiritual things. He left his Bible open in the dash of his truck.

At 4 a.m. one morning after the tragedy, Mr. Scott looked around as he was beginning an interview with NBC’s Maria Shriver and noticed a circle of people around John’s truck, talking about the Bible in the dash.

Mr. Scott spoke of his son, Craig, who escaped death after looking down the barrel of a gun. He escaped because his friend crouched next to him in the library, Isaiah Shoels, was black and a more desirable target for the two gunmen who hurled numerous racial slurs and putdowns in his direction before killing him execution-style.

Cassie Bernall’s story has received more national attention. She too answered the gunmen’s question of “Do you believe in God?” in the affirmative, taking a bullet after her response. A national “She Said Yes” campaign has resulted from the statements she and Rachel made, looking down the barrel of a gun.

Rachel’s funeral was broadcast in its entirety on CNN. Millions of viewers tuned in, making it the highest-rated broadcast in network history. With millions of eyes tuned to the broadcast, Bruce Porter brought the message, asking “Who will take the torch?” referring to the torch Rachel, Cassie, John, Mark and others had dropped.

At that very moment a young man in Texas had a gun to his head, ready to take his own life. As he listened to Porter’s plea and thoughts that followed, he lowered the gun from his head, began to cry and prayed for forgiveness.

Not long ago he ran 1,000 miles from Little Rock, Arkansas to Washington, D.C.. with a torch in his hand.

Needless to say, by the end of the service I had been on an emotional roller coaster. My shirt had a hefty salt deposit in it from the tears I had shed, but I left the service encouraged, excited and ready to share the “untold” stories with anyone I could.

We all climbed back in our van and headed back to White House. We were going to be just in time for Sunday night services. I kept thinking on the way back how much I would have loved to share with the congregation that night just a tiny bit of what we had experienced at Two Rivers that afternoon. I was a bit discouraged because I didn’t know how long it would be before I was in the pulpit again and had a chance to share.

As I walked in the door, two minutes before services were to begin, one of our elders pulled me aside and asked, “Has anyone said anything to you about speaking tonight?”

“No,” I said.

“Well Keith (our preacher) has a bad toothache. He’s not going to be able to speak. I guess we’ll just have a song service….”

“Please let me speak,” I butted in. “Something happened to me this afternoon I’ve got to share.”

“Okay, you’re on,” he said.

During the opening moments of the service I prayed fervently that God would use my words to help someone realize their need for Jesus.

As I began to share some of the stories previously mentioned, I felt a peace and strength I have never felt before. It was not me talking up there. Even though I had zero preparation for this “sermon” my words seemed to flow like never before. Everything was coming together. In sports terms, I was “in the zone.”

I pleaded with the young people who had never committed their lives to Jesus to do so. I told them they didn’t have to know everything at first. That’s what being born again is all about. Starting new. I encouraged those who had given their lives to Jesus before and didn’t have him at the center of their lives to make it right.

As I stepped down from the pulpit with the words of “Just As I Am” resonating from the walls, I knew something special was about to happen.

A teenager came forward, then an 8-year old boy, then a mother, another teenager, and another, and on and on…

Three came to commit their lives to Jesus for the first time and be baptized. Several others came to recommit their lives to Jesus. They came largely because of the stories associated with 12 young people from a tiny town in Colorado.

It only occurred to me about an hour later as I sat in Subway eating a sandwich there was something special about the number of people who had responded at church that night.

There were 12.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command Love each other.” – John 15:13-17

 

 

LEFTOVERS

AND WE WERE THANKFUL!

If you thought those stories about how your parents walked back and forth 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways sounded fishy, you’re right.

…A new British survey finds that 50-somethings tend to embellish their experiences in the 1960s to impress their children. They say those stories about being at sit-ins and Beatles concerts may make the kids go ‘oh, wow,’ but they’re likely a lie.  Two percent of 50-somethings also said they attended Live Aid. This would have meant more than a million people were crammed into Wembley stadium.  ***MARLAR: And how many people claim they were at Woodstock?  If there were really that many people there, the government could’ve used the opportunity to take a census!

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Cell phones don’t really cause brain tumors… but cordless phones in your home can cause headaches, sleep problems, fatigue and heart palpitations.

“Although people treat a cordless phone as if it’s an ordinary landline, its base station constantly emits radiation,” explains Professor Lennart Hardell, of University Hospital in Orebro, Sweden. “They’re usually in rooms where people spend a lot of time and people also tend to spend longer on them than they do on a cell phone. Hardell’s study showed that habitual cordless phone use increases the development of benign tumors between the ear and the brain by 30% and malignant brain tumors by 40%.  ***MARLAR: Who knew you’d be safer duct-taping a cell phone to your skull?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY MEDICINE


What would you rather do: get a shot with a needle or eat a potato?

…Pretty simple choice, huh? Scientists at Cornell University have developed a potato that when eaten will ultimately convey immunity to the Norwalk virus, the most common form of food poisoning in the United States. The potatoes are genetically manipulated, producing protein fragments of the virus that the immune system will recognize and respond to when the real virus enters the body. There is no difference in taste or culinary characteristics between the modified potato and the common potato.  Scientists say that in the future, vaccines may be delivered via plants instead of needles. Current work is underway to create potato-based vaccines for the human papilloma virus, which causes cervical cancer, hepatitis B bacteria, and a form of the E-Coli bacteria. The hepatitis B potato vaccine is already being tested.  ***MARLAR: Soon even doctors will be asking if you’d like fries with that!

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN …

  • You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
  • You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
  • You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
  • The Blue Book lists your car under “Health Risk.”
  • The only thing holding your bumper on is the “Dukakis/Bentsen ’88” sticker.
  • You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
  • Evel Kenievel refuses a free lift.
  • The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FOUR WAYS TO SLASH YOUR GROCERY BILL UP TO 50%

  • Don’t Assume Generic is Cheaper: It seems logical that generic cereal or canned foods would be cheaper than their name brand counterparts, right? That’s not always true. To get the most bang for your buck look at price per ounce or price per unit.
  • Make a Meal Plan: Your dinners are where you can save big. Glance at your stores sales add and see what meat is on sale. For example, if chicken breasts are a great deal this week, plan on having chicken three nights… three different ways.
  • Let the Bloggers Do the Work For You: Find a blogger who covers your local stores. Just type in “Your Grocery Store Name Matchup” and get information about which sales match up with which coupons that week.
  • Don’t Clip: File and Click: Clipping every coupon from the Sunday paper is a waste of time for most on-the-go gals. Are you really going to buy everything in the Sunday sales ads and inserts? No. So go ahead and file those inserts by name and date so you can access the coupons when you need them and only break out the scissors on the ones you need.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A Purple Heart earned during World War II will soon be returned to the recipient’s family in Missouri after it was sold for $4.99 at an Arizona Goodwill store. Laura Hardy says she was shopping at a Mesa, Arizona, Goodwill recently when her husband spotted the Purple Heart on display in the store’s jewelry section. Hardy returned home and posted the medal on her Facebook page, along with the name on the back of the medal, Eual H. Whiteman. The next morning, Hardy received a phone call from a Facebook group — Veteran Buddy Finder — that helps veterans find each other. The owners of the facebook page tracked down a relative of Mr. Whiteman and will be returning the medal.  http://abcn.ws/1Z1Sp16

 

Death is a bit of a morbid topic, but let’s face it, we’re all going to die someday and it’s okay to think ahead about how we want our remains handled. Are you going the burial route or the cremation route? If you’re planning on cremation but don’t want your ashes sitting around in an urn on a mantel for decades, check out And Vinyly. The company turns ashes into vinyl records, and these vinyl records will play, if you happen to have an old turntable lying around. From the “And Vinyl” homepage: We offer you the chance to press your ashes in a personal message, your last will & testament, your own soundtrack.

http://www.mnn.com/money/sustainable-business-practices/blogs/turn-cremated-remains-into-a-vinyl-record

 

About 5,000 Christians turned out in the mile-high city to hear why Franklin Graham believes no political party or politician can turn America around. During the stop on Graham’s Decision America Tour, Franklin urged those gathered to live out their faith boldly and pray for the nation and its leaders. He is urging Christians to confess the sins of the nation, their personal sins, and those of their fathers. Graham also asked participants to go to the Decision America Tour website and sign the pledge to both God and country. The pledge incorporates 1 Corinthians 3:11: “For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ” as well as 2 Chronicles 7:14.  http://go.cbn.com/7517

 

An Internet website has now made 900 classic arcade games available online for free. The online home of the Wayback Machine, and archive of old web sites, has added some 900 classic arcade games like Pacman, Galaga, Frogger, and Centipede that you can play in a web browser. According to The Huffington Post, the games are part of a larger JavaScript project. They say the games are not perfect but many come pretty close.  https://archive.org/details/internetarcade

 

Let’s face it, motherhood is not easy. So it was no surprise that, when the Elevation Church asked moms to share about their own parenting efforts, most said they struggle with the job they are doing. But then the church asked the kids about the job their mom is doing. With their moms watching from another room, the kids openly shared everything they appreciate about their moms, giving these moms a whole new perspective on motherhood.

http://bit.ly/1x0VvaE

 

Indiana State Police master trooper Dujuan Presley McFadden is taking directing traffic to a whole new level. McFadden says his goal is to make sitting in traffic a little bit more interesting and also to show that police officers have a human side. And because of his antics he has become known as the dancing trooper.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjhgVsmB_-w

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188 ‘matches’ to my key word. That’s like saying: ‘Good news, we’ve located the product you’re looking for. It’s on Earth.'” –Bruce Cameron

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 25, 2016…

 

Batman vs. Superman—Well, it had to happen. If  “Cowboys and Aliens” became a movie with Harrison Ford, then Batman can fight Superman in a movie, with assistance by another comic book character.  (Guess who?) In this film, Jesse Eisenberg plays an annoying genius who is trying to pit the two world heroes against each other.  Batman (Ben Affleck with a stern jaw line like Robo-Cop), it seems, has a disagreement with Superman (Henry Cavill).  Also in the cast are Amy Adams and Diane Lane. “Batman vs. Superman” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans..

 

Justice League vs. Teen Titans—An animated film concerning the young super-powers who have to learn to work as a team.  Voices of Jon Bernthal, Jerry O’Connell and Rosario Dawson. “Justice League vs. Teen Titans” is rated PG. No rating.

 

The Disappoints Room—Another horror film concerning a mother and son moving into an old mansion (sigh).  This one stars Kate Beckinsale, Gerald McRaney and Duncan Joiner. This mansion happens to be in the Deep South. “The Disappointments Room” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Big Fat Greek Wedding 2—A continuation of the last Big Fat Greek Wedding.  In the second film, there is a family secret that comes to light and it involves someone thinking they were already married. The usual suspects are here including Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine and Lainie Kazan. “Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

I Saw The Light—This film, a bio-pic on the life of the late singer Hank Williams, was supposed to have been released last fall.  It is now (hopefully) opening and it is good, with British star Tom Hiddleston doing his own singing.  Can we say, “wow” now? Also in the cast is Elizabeth Olsen as his wife. Shows the ups and downs of his career. “I Saw The Light” is rated R. Rating of 4.

 

APRIL 01, 2016…

 

Collide stars Nicholas Hoult in a story of trying to escape from the mob.

 

Amityville: The Awakening is a fresh start (again?) of living in a haunted house. Stars Bella Thorne.

 

Everyone Wants Some is about a 1980’s college baseball team. Stars Blake Jenner.

 

Pandemic and another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. Stars Missi Pyle and Mekki Phifer.

 

Meet The Blacks has Mike Epps and his family winning big and leaving Chicago for the West Coast.

 

Miles Ahead stars Don Cheadle as the late jazz musician Miles Davis.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.