March 26, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180326
PDF: 20180326

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Caution! Today’s program may contain humor that is unsuitable for mature listeners.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices generally have very few virtues.” – Abraham Lincoln

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. — Psalm 112:5

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. — Romans 6:23

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you. — Proverbs 20:22

Thought: Revenge is Satan’s way of destroying both the innocent and the offender. Once vengeance becomes the motivation, the wounded party can suddenly be swept up in rage and hatred. This poison spreads to everything the vengeful person touches. On earth, we can see that we will never find perfect and complete justice, no matter the “goodness” of the judicial system in place at the time. But God will not only bring justice; he will deliver us: deliver us from the hands of the oppressor and deliver us from the poison of hatred.

Prayer: Forgiving Lord, God of all justice and steadfast love, I ask you to be at work in the justice system of my land. Make it more equitable and true. Expose those who buy and sell justice and remove them from power. Deal with the violent and the oppressor with your hand. Please Lord, by the power of your Spirit, stir me to forgive others and to wait on your justice. Guard me from the poison of an unforgiving and vengeful heart. May my attitude, behavior, and response to those who wrong me help lead them to know your Son as their Savior. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.


BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Proverbs 3:26 NIV = for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 26, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
273 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is POPEYE DAY in Crystal City, Texas… it was on this day in 1937 that spinach growers in the city unveiled a statue of their hero, Popeye the Sailor, on the town square. It’s still there. *** You have to wonder about keeping Popeye as a spokesperson though. Sure, he might be strong when he eats his spinach, but look at the side effects… one eye closed at all times, over-inflated forearms, and indistinguishable speech! (audio clip)

Today is BALTIMORE ORIOLE APPRECIATION DAY. *** Not the baseball team – just the bird. Nobody appreciates the baseball team.

Today is MAKE UP YOUR OWN HOLIDAY DAY, a day to name for whatever you wish. *** I’m kinda fond of, “Ask for a Raise and Automatically Receive It Day” myself. Has a nice ring, don’t you think? Here are a few more ideas…

  • Spring Cleaning Procrastination Day.

  • Tell A Basketball Player to Stop Wiping His Nose on His Straps Day.

  • Cut Congress in Half Day.

  • Spring Cat Cleaning Day. For best results use the “Delicate” cycle.

  • Spring Sock Hunting Day, a day to turn the house upside-down to find all those missing odd socks. And if you don’t find them, it becomes

    .

PHONER: So – if you could make up your own holiday, what would it be?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Legal Assistants Day
Live Long And Prosper Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Purple Day
Spinach Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Education and Sharing Day
National Education and Sharing Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
World Theatre Day
American Diabetes Association Alert Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day

FRIDAY MARCH 30

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day
Pencil Day
Torrents Day
Virtual Vacation Day
World Bi-polar Day
World Marbles Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
Terri’s Day
World Backup Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

ON THIS DAY

1885: The Eastman Dry Plate and Film Company of Rochester, New York, manufactured the first commercial motion picture film.

1886: Asa Yoelson was born in Srednick, Russia. As Al Jolson, his hits included “Raggin’ the Baby to Sleep,” “The Spaniard That Blighted My Life,” “Swanee,” “Sonny Boy,” “My Mammy,” and “April Showers.”

1937: Spinach growers in Crystal City, Texas, unveiled a statue of their hero, Popeye the Sailor, on the town square. It’s still there.

1951: During an exhibition game between the New York Yankees and the USC Trojans, 19-year-old rookie Mickey Mantle hit a 660-foot home run out of USC’s Bovard Stadium.

1964: Barbra Streisand debuted on Broadway in “Funny Girl.”

1968: The TV movie “Marcus Welby: M.D.” drew such a large audience it would return in the fall and become a long-running series, starring Robert Young, James Brolin, and Elena Verdugo. (audio clip)

1971: William Conrad starred as “Cannon” on CBS-TV. The highly rated pilot turned into a popular TV series. (audio clip)

1973: The daytime soap drama “The Young & The Restless” debuted on CBS-TV.

1987: Actor Walter Abel died at age 88. His films included “The Three Musketeers” of 1935, “Hold Back the Dawn,” “Holiday Inn,” and “Raintree County.”

1994: Roger Clinton married Molly Martin at the Arboretum and Botanical Garden in Dallas. President Bill Clinton was his brother’s best man.

1995: A Cloucester, England, man was charged with criminal damage after he shot his old Ford Sierra seven times with a shotgun.

1999: Dr. Jack Kevorkian was convicted in Pontiac, Michigan, of second-degree murder for giving a patient with Lou Gehrig’s disease a lethal injection, an action videotaped and broadcast on television.

2000: The Seattle Kingdome was imploded to make way for a new football arena.

2000: Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

2003: Tony Evans of Swansea, Wales, dropped the world’s largest rubber band ball out of an airplane over the Mojave Desert in Arizona to see if it would bounce. It didn’t. The one-ton record breaking ball took 20 seconds to drop a mile and stayed firmly rooted in the crater it created. Evans had spent five years building the ball.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

655: Deusdedit becomes the first English-born Archbishop of Canterbury. He served until 664.

752: Stephen III assumes the papacy after Stephen II dies. But Stephen III is sometimes called Stephen II, since the real Stephen II hardly counts: he died a mere four days after his election!

1521: Charles V convenes the Diet of Worms; it orders Luther’s books destroyed.

1775: Henry Alline is converted. He feels the urge to revive the faith of his province, becomes a leader of the “New Light” movement and goes on to become the “Apostle of Nova Scotia.”

1831: Richard Allen, founder of the African Methodist Episcopal Church and the first black bishop in America, dies at age 71.

1859: Francois Coillard, missionary to South Africa, preaches a sermon on the fable of the ant and grasshopper. It is reenacted by Africans to this day.

1957: Dr. Basil Miller founds the Basil Miller Foundation, now known as World-Wide Mission. It supports Christian workers in many countries with medical relief.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Pirates of the Caribbean, Pride & Prejudice, King Arthur, The Hole) Keira Knightley 33

  • actress (Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn, Ferris Beuler’s Day Off, Bounce) Jennifer Grey is 58

  • TV’s (RoboCop, RoboCop 2, “Dancing With the Stars”) Leeza Gibbons 61 (audio clip)

  • comic (“Primetime Glick,” The Santa Clause 3, Jungle 2 Jungle, Mars Attacks, “SCTV”) Martin Short 68

  • actress/talk show host (“The Carol Burnett Show”, “Mama’s Family”) Vicki Lawrence 69 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Las Vegas,” The Godfather, Misery, Elf) James Caan 78 (audio clip)

  • actor (The Santa Clause 3, Little Miss Sunshine, Firewall, Grosse Pointe Blank) Alan Arkin 84

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1886 : Al Jolson

1917 : Rufus Thomas

1934 : Alan Arkin (The Tarriers)

1936 : Fred Parris (The Five Satins)

1940 : Rod Lauren

1944 : Diana Ross

1946 : Johnny Crawford

1946 : Fred Sheehan (Boston)

1948 : Steven Tyler (born Stephen Victor Tallarico)

1948 : Richard Tandy (Electric Light Orchestra)

1949 : Vicki Lawrence

1950 : Teddy Pendergrass (Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes)

1953 : Billy Lyall (The Bay City Rollers)

1968 : Kenny Chesney

1968 : James Iha (The Smashing Pumpkins)

1975 : Juvenile

1976 : David Keuning (The Killers)

1976 : Duster Bennett

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why does Easter keep moving around on the calendar?

Easter Sunday is the date of the annual celebration of Christ’s resurrection. In the church calendar, Easter Sunday is the point of reference from which the entire church calendar year of movable events is calculated. Easter always occurs on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. The date of Easter can be as early as March 22 or as late as April 25. The aim of the Easter Dating Method is to maintain, for each Easter Sunday, the same season of the year and the same relationship to the preceding astronomical full moon that occurred at the time of his resurrection in 30 A.D.
The date for Easter has not always been calculated in this way. In the first two centuries A.D., in Asia Minor, Christians celebrated Easter on the third day after the first full moon of spring. It was always the third day, regardless of the day of the week on which this occurred. This date was based on the Jewish Passover. The Jewish month consists of one lunar phase of 28 days beginning and ending with the full moon. The full moon, therefore, always occurs on the fourteenth of every month of the Jewish calendar. Passover is the fourteenth of the month of Nisan. Not all Quartodecimans chose to celebrate Easter on the same day, some celebrated Easter on Passover day, some three days after Passover. According to the Gospels the Last Supper took place on Passover Eve and the Resurrection three days later. For this reason Easter was celebrated independent of any particular weekday. The followers of this dating for Easter were known as the Quartodecimans (quartodecimus = 14, for 14th of Nissan).

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

British researchers have found that horses are happier and more relaxed if mirrors are fitted inside their stables.  ***But only if those horses are complete studs to begin with.

Comedian-turned-entrepreneur Byron Allen has purchased the Weather Channel for a rumored $300 million. ***Which can only mean Byron Allen hasn’t heard of these things called ‘smartphones’ where you can get the weather anytime you want without waiting for the end of a commercial break.

A Chinese carmaker is producing the world’s most expensive SUV, the Karlmann King — only 10 of them — which looks like something Batman would own. Yours for just $2.2 million.  ***Meaning only Batman can afford to buy one.

Walmart has some new robots that roll around the store and can scan an entire aisle in just 90 seconds. The robots will conduct inventory, as well as let human employees know to fix mispriced or misplaced merchandise. Fifty robots are being tested in various Walmarts across the country. The robots are six feet tall, and captures two terabytes of data in two minutes. They use lasers, 2D cameras and 3D cameras to do the job. ***Give it time and we’ll have Johnny-5 as a Walmart greeter.

It doesn’t look good for guitar-maker, Gibson, who is $560 million in debt. ***Maybe they should invest in AutoTune – that seems to be used on everything nowadays.

Celine Dion has canceled three weeks of her Las Vegas shows in order to have some needed ear surgery. ***Which is kind of ironic, since I feel the need to have a doctor check for damage in my ears every tie I hear Celine Dion sing.

Former President Obama has signed a production deal with Netflix.  ***We’ve already got a President that used to be a TV star – so why not a TV star that used to be a President?

Kensington Palace said on Thursday that invitations for the wedding between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been sent. Around 600 people have been invited to the May 19 nuptials at noon at St George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle. ***I can only assume my invitation is lost in the mail somewhere.

A 17-year-old boy has been suspended from school thanks to a phone call to his congressman about gun control. Noah Christensen, a junior at Robert McQueen High School in Reno, Nev., called Rep. Mark Amodei’s office during the 17-minute school walkout to protest gun violence earlier this month. He expressed his opinion that bump stocks should be banned and the minimum age to purchase a gun should be increased. That probably would have been okay, but then he told the staffer who answered the phone that members of Congress should “get off their (BLINKING BUTTS)” to do so – only with more colorful language. A Congressional aide called Christensen’s school to inform the administration of his language, and the teen was hit with a two-day suspension for “disrespectful behavior/language.” However, Christensen’s supporters say he was exercising his right to free speech and that Amodei should apologize. The school district says students were expected to “act appropriately and with decorum” during the walkout. ***Well there’s your problem right there.  You expected teenagers to act appropriately and with decorum.

Meghan Markle is getting her own wax figure in Madame Tussauds.  ***The hard part will be finding an area of the museum where another celebrity wax figure won’t try to sexually harass her.

A University of Wisconsin campus is proposing eliminating 13 majors, including English, Philosophy and Spanish. ***But you can still major in Textiles And Fashion Design, so a quality education is still available to you.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Researchers are working on a thermal imager that one day might be used to detect liars at a government checkpoint.  The research arm of the Defense Intelligence Agency has been working since 2000 on a camera that measures minute changes in facial skin temperature. Those fluctuations — involuntary and undetectable even to the owner of the face — indicate a stress response.  Researcher Troy Brown says that might signal untruths.  The DIA is deeply interested in deciphering deception in job candidates applying for positions with access to classified information and in prisoners captured on the battlefield undergoing interrogation.  So far, the only way the government can get an inkling that someone may be less than truthful is a polygraph, the so-called lie detector test.  ***Washington D.C. politicians are working quickly to draft legislation to keep the technology away from government buildings.

Ladies, if you’re looking for a man that’s not afraid to do a little housework, marry a teacher. A study found that guys who work in fields typically dominated by females do 25% more housework compared to men who work in male-dominated jobs.  ***So if you really want to increase your odds of getting a man who will do housework, find a guy who is looking for a sugar-momma.

A surprising study seems to indicate that driving while using a hands-free cell phone may not be any safer than driving with a typical hand-held phone!  A comprehensive study on distracted driving has found there is no conclusive evidence that hands-free cell phone use while driving is any less risky than hand-held cell phone use.   Also, there is no evidence that cell phone or texting bans have reduced crashes. The findings come after nine states have imposed bans on hand-held cell phone use while driving, and 34 states have imposed texting bans for drivers behind the wheel. Despite the findings, The Governors Highway Safety Association does not recommend that restrictions on cell phone use or texting be lifted in any of the states where they presently exist.  ***Well, of course not.  That’d be like looking at the books and realizing murders are on the increase – with your solution being to simply make murder legal.  (Problem solved!)

High levels of the stress hormone cortisol in hair may be a strong predictor of heart attacks months in advance, say Canadian researchers.  Issues such as jobs, marital, or financial problems are linked to an increased risk for developing cardiovascular disease, including heart attacks, and it can be shown through the levels of cortisol in your hair.  ***Well, of COURSE you’re more susceptible to a heart attack… you’re working so hard even your hair is stressed!

More than a quarter of Americans have not cracked open a book—either print or digital—in the past year and the number is on the rise. The figure has risen to 28% as compared to 21% just four years ago. However, the survey of nearly 2,000 people by Pew Research also found Americans overall are still fairly well-read, averaging 12 books per year, or a book per month.  ***I’m certainly well-read.  I’ve probably covered every drive-thru menu board in town at least three times.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson had met new friends – the Razzleflabbins, on Razzleflabbin Island. He told them why he’d been sent to his room – because he wouldn’t get to know the new kid in his neighborhood, and they told Marvy they understood, but that it’s important to get to know people – especially those who are different than you!

CLOSE: Uh oh… what’s so weird about this other Razzleflabbin that they have to have a scout spying at all times to keep an eye out on him? Well… he’s on his way, so we’ll likely find out why’s he so different (and why the Razzleflabbins are frightened of him) next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A dead guy comes back to life!

Here’s why you should always get a second opinion. Four months after he was declared brain dead and doctors were about to remove his organs for transplant, 21-year-old Zach Dunlap says he feels “pretty good.” Yep… Zach is alive and doing well. Zach was pronounced dead November 19 at United Regional Healthcare System in Wichita Falls, Texas, after he was injured in an all-terrain vehicle accident. The doctors committed a Moment of DUH by declaring him dead – and they even convinced Zach’s family to approve having his organs harvested. But as Zach’s family was paying their last respects, Zach moved his foot and hand. 48 days later he went home. Zach said on the NBC Today show, “I feel pretty good.” He also said he has no recollection of the crash.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

  • The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

  • Leak-proof thermoses will.

  • The chance of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

  • The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

  • The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

  • Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

  • The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

  • Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

  • Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

  • Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It had to be pretty funny to see a string of police cars chasing a doughnut delivery van at speeds up to 100 mph!

FILE #1: In Toledo, Iowa, police were not jonesin’ for a donut — they were chasing a stolen doughnut van and finally arrested the driver at gunpoint. The van, owned by Donut Delite, was stolen early Thursday while the driver was making deliveries at a hospital. Authorities finally cornered it in neighboring Tama County and arrested 46-year-old Frank Alvarado. And it worked out well for the officers — the doughnut shop gave them all the donuts left in the van.

FILE #2: In Kerkrade, Netherlands, a man shoplifted a package of meat from a supermarket, then rushed to his car, shaking off a clerk who jumped on his car hood to try to stop him. But he left behind one piece of evidence: his 12-year-old son. Police identified the thief through his son and contacted him, but he refused to come get the boy, telling the cops to call the kid’s mother instead. But they preferred to deal with him, and he later turned himself in to the police.

FILE #3: A thief must have worn himself out robbing a home in Maine. The crook was so sleepy that he took a nap just after robbing a home. The odd part is that he decided to take the nap in the home he just robbed! Police say the man entered the house and piled the objects he was stealing by the door. That’s when he decided to catch a few Z’s. A neighbor noticed a strange vehicle in the driveway of the house and alerted police. When they arrived, officers found the man asleep on a bed in the home where they arrested him. Police chief Bob Snow said, “He said he was real tired and so he was just going to take a quick nap. Unfortunately his internal alarm clock just didn’t buzz.”

STRANGE LAW: In Clarendon, TX, it is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

One man drives drunk – but left his car at home before going out drinking!

21-year-old John Osborne, of Nitro, West Virginia, decided to go to nearby Charleston for a night of drinking. A sober thinking John started the evening by taking a bus downtown to avoid driving drunk. Unfortunately, that would be the last sober thought John would have for awhile. When it was time to go home early the next morning, John stole a Charleston Police cruiser and drove it around with the lights and siren on. After a brief chase, John crashed the cruiser and was arrested. Amazingly, a field sobriety test found John to be under the legal limit.

PHONER PHUN

My wife and I were watching the movie “Weird Science” the other day on TV. We both remembered it as a really funny, entertaining movie. But once we started watching it, I was bored out of my mind – why did I ever like that movie to begin with? Are there any movies (or TV shows) you thought were great the first time and then realized later that they were gosh awful? (audio clip)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”

ANSWER: Peter (1 Peter 4:18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Your skin is dry and flaky. What kitchen item should you massage it with?

ANSWER: Milk. The lactose sloughs off dead skin cells (Vitality magazine).

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A wooden racket was last used at Wimbledon in 2002. (False – 1987)

2. Alcatraz Federal Prison was closed in March of 1968. (False, 1963. The facility had served as a US military prison from 1859 to 1933 and as a federal prison from 1933. Frank Wathernam was the last prisoner to leave Alcatraz prison on March 21, 1963.)

3. India has a Bill of Rights for cows. (True)

4. After the Popeye comic strip started in 1931, spinach consumption went up by 33 per cent in the United States. (True)

5. The average person spends two days of their life kissing. (False – two weeks)

6. Playwright Shakespeare was only 18 years old when he married Ann Hathaway, who was 26 years old at the time. (True)

7. A Herpetologist is a person who studies human skin. (False – reptiles and amphibians)

8. The Pacific island of Tonga once issued a stamp that was banana shaped. (True)

9. A person would have to drink more than 12 cups of hot cocoa to equal the amount of caffeine found in one cup of coffee. (True)

10. Delivery times for Dominoes pizza in Hong Kong is primarily influenced by elevator traffic. (True. Due to a high level of congestion, most of pizza delivery man’s time is spent waiting for and riding elevators.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ DONUTS (FAKE)

A twelve-year-old girl has solved the mystery of the plain donuts – it’s fake!

In a scathing 127-word writing exercise,  a 12-year-old girl,  found on Facebook by Buzzfeed, finally tells the world the truth about plain donuts – they are bagels!

The 12-year-old called out the plain donuts and her writing exercise has been sent to Dunkin’ Donuts, who is now considering renaming the plain donuts.  The 12-year-old is being heralded by law enforcement agencies around the country for her investigative skills and her ability to draw conclusions based on observable facts.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test. The doctor says to first gal, “What is three times three?”

“297,” was her prompt reply.

“Um hmm,” says the doctor. The doctor says to the second lady, “It’s your turn now. What is three times three?”

“Friday,” she replies.

“Um hmm…” Then the doc says to the third, “Okay, Mam, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says she.

“That’s wonderful!” says the doctor. “Tell me, now did you get that answer?”

“Simple,” she says, beaming… “I just subtracted 297 from Friday!”

JOKE #2

A man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it got when one day she was scratching his back, and he said “No, not there. Scroll down a little.”

JOKE #3

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

USELESS FACTS

North Korea has declared war on long hair. A new campaign, led by state-run TV, denounces long hair on men as a sign of a corrupt capitalist lifestyle that robs the brain of energy and intelligence development by consuming too much nutrition. ***Gosh – imagine how brilliant Einstein would’ve been if he’d had a buzz cut!

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have created a new rat heart in a laboratory. ***And just in time; we were losing too many rats to heart disease.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BURGLAR

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!” The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house. As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”

The thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”

The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

ELDERLY DRIVERS

Does your driving get better or worse as you age?

The good news is you become a better driver as you get older. The bad news is, only until you reach your 50’s… then it’s downhill again. Statistics show that the highest driving related fatality rates are among drivers above the age of 85 and below the age of 17. ***MARLAR: Sometimes it’s tough to spot the really young driver, but you can spot the older driver easily.  Just look for a car in front of you that appears to be driven by a hat and has had its left blinker on for the last ten blocks.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CELL PHONE VS THE BIBLE

Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

  • What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
  • What if we flipped through it several times a day?
  • What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
  • What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
  • What if we treated it like we couldn’t live without it?
  • What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
  • What if we used it when we traveled?
  • What if we used it in case of emergency?
  • This is something to make you go…..hmm…where is my Bible?
  • Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don’t have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Makes you stop and think ‘where are my priorities? And no dropped calls!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD USED A TOOTHACHE

By: Brent High

Friday morning (September 17, 1999) I was reading the paper and noticed Darrell Scott (father of Rachel Scott, a student who was killed at Columbine High School) was coming to speak Sunday afternoon at Two Rivers Baptist Church in Nashville.

I really wanted to go hear what Mr. Scott had to say but was a little apprehensive about announcing anything to my youth group about the event since it was going to be held at a Baptist church. I had a feeling someone would get offended if I promoted it. So, instead of any announcement in the main worship assembly, at the end of my Sunday school class I made mention of the event, told my high school kids I’d be going and invited anyone to ride with me who wanted to go.

I expected to take two or three kids in my truck. Instead I ended up having to fire up the White House Church of Christ van as 11 of us made the short trek to Two Rivers.

I wish I could have recorded the looks on the faces of everyone we passed in the parking lot at Two Rivers as our van, with all its Church of Christ lettering, motored to a resting place. Shock. Disbelief. Happiness. I’d be a rich man if I had a dime for every person I saw mouthing the words, “Church of Christ???” as we passed.

I guess we broke traditional protocol, but we had a face-to-face meeting with God we would never have had if we hadn’t.

The service was unbelievable. Just five short months after the April 20 tragedy, Mr. Scott shared the “untold” stories from Columbine, the stories the liberal media may never tell, the stories he has dedicated every waking moment of the rest of his life to sharing. He talked at length about the 12 students, including his daughter Rachel, who left this world on April 20.

Of the 12 students who died, eight professed to be Christians.

As Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris (the two gunmen) came down the hill behind the school to begin their assault, their first target was Mark Taylor. At the very moment bullets pierced Mark’s body, he was witnessing to two of his friends about his relationship with Jesus Christ.

They next turned their guns on Rachel. Three weeks earlier Rachel had witnessed to Dylan and Eric and warned them about the violent video games to which they seemed to be addicted. Their first shot hit Rachel in the leg. A second plowed through her backpack into her midsection, knocking her to the ground. One of the gunmen walked over to where Rachel lay face down, still alive. He pulled her up by the hair of her head and asked, “Do you still believe in God?”

“You know that I do,” Rachel managed to reply.

Immediately after her reply a bullet entered her temple.

Mr. Scott shared the story of John Tomlin, another victim. John had been on mission trips to Mexico and was hungry to do more. During each school day he decided to do something small in hopes it might cause someone to think about spiritual things. He left his Bible open in the dash of his truck.

At 4 a.m. one morning after the tragedy, Mr. Scott looked around as he was beginning an interview with NBC’s Maria Shriver and noticed a circle of people around John’s truck, talking about the Bible in the dash.

Mr. Scott spoke of his son, Craig, who escaped death after looking down the barrel of a gun. He escaped because his friend crouched next to him in the library, Isaiah Shoels, was black and a more desirable target for the two gunmen who hurled numerous racial slurs and putdowns in his direction before killing him execution-style.

Cassie Bernall’s story has received more national attention. She too answered the gunmen’s question of “Do you believe in God?” in the affirmative, taking a bullet after her response. A national “She Said Yes” campaign has resulted from the statements she and Rachel made, looking down the barrel of a gun.

Rachel’s funeral was broadcast in its entirety on CNN. Millions of viewers tuned in, making it the highest-rated broadcast in network history. With millions of eyes tuned to the broadcast, Bruce Porter brought the message, asking “Who will take the torch?” referring to the torch Rachel, Cassie, John, Mark and others had dropped.

At that very moment a young man in Texas had a gun to his head, ready to take his own life. As he listened to Porter’s plea and thoughts that followed, he lowered the gun from his head, began to cry and prayed for forgiveness.

Not long ago he ran 1,000 miles from Little Rock, Arkansas to Washington, D.C.. with a torch in his hand.

Needless to say, by the end of the service I had been on an emotional roller coaster. My shirt had a hefty salt deposit in it from the tears I had shed, but I left the service encouraged, excited and ready to share the “untold” stories with anyone I could.

We all climbed back in our van and headed back to White House. We were going to be just in time for Sunday night services. I kept thinking on the way back how much I would have loved to share with the congregation that night just a tiny bit of what we had experienced at Two Rivers that afternoon. I was a bit discouraged because I didn’t know how long it would be before I was in the pulpit again and had a chance to share.

As I walked in the door, two minutes before services were to begin, one of our elders pulled me aside and asked, “Has anyone said anything to you about speaking tonight?”

“No,” I said.

“Well Keith (our preacher) has a bad toothache. He’s not going to be able to speak. I guess we’ll just have a song service….”

“Please let me speak,” I butted in. “Something happened to me this afternoon I’ve got to share.”

“Okay, you’re on,” he said.

During the opening moments of the service I prayed fervently that God would use my words to help someone realize their need for Jesus.

As I began to share some of the stories previously mentioned, I felt a peace and strength I have never felt before. It was not me talking up there. Even though I had zero preparation for this “sermon” my words seemed to flow like never before. Everything was coming together. In sports terms, I was “in the zone.”

I pleaded with the young people who had never committed their lives to Jesus to do so. I told them they didn’t have to know everything at first. That’s what being born again is all about. Starting new. I encouraged those who had given their lives to Jesus before and didn’t have him at the center of their lives to make it right.

As I stepped down from the pulpit with the words of “Just As I Am” resonating from the walls, I knew something special was about to happen.

A teenager came forward, then an 8-year old boy, then a mother, another teenager, and another, and on and on…

Three came to commit their lives to Jesus for the first time and be baptized. Several others came to recommit their lives to Jesus. They came largely because of the stories associated with 12 young people from a tiny town in Colorado.

It only occurred to me about an hour later as I sat in Subway eating a sandwich there was something special about the number of people who had responded at church that night.

There were 12.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command Love each other.” – John 15:13-17

LEFTOVERS

AND WE WERE THANKFUL!

If you thought those stories about how your parents walked back and forth 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways sounded fishy, you’re right.

…A new British survey finds that 50-somethings tend to embellish their experiences in the 1960s to impress their children. They say those stories about being at sit-ins and Beatles concerts may make the kids go ‘oh, wow,’ but they’re likely a lie.  Two percent of 50-somethings also said they attended Live Aid. This would have meant more than a million people were crammed into Wembley stadium.  ***MARLAR: And how many people claim they were at Woodstock?  If there were really that many people there, the government could’ve used the opportunity to take a census!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Cell phones don’t really cause brain tumors… but cordless phones in your home can cause headaches, sleep problems, fatigue and heart palpitations.

“Although people treat a cordless phone as if it’s an ordinary landline, its base station constantly emits radiation,” explains Professor Lennart Hardell, of University Hospital in Orebro, Sweden. “They’re usually in rooms where people spend a lot of time and people also tend to spend longer on them than they do on a cell phone. Hardell’s study showed that habitual cordless phone use increases the development of benign tumors between the ear and the brain by 30% and malignant brain tumors by 40%. ***MARLAR: Who knew you’d be safer duct-taping a cell phone to your skull?

JUST FOR FUN

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY MEDICINE


What would you rather do: get a shot with a needle or eat a potato?

…Pretty simple choice, huh? Scientists at Cornell University have developed a potato that when eaten will ultimately convey immunity to the Norwalk virus, the most common form of food poisoning in the United States. The potatoes are genetically manipulated, producing protein fragments of the virus that the immune system will recognize and respond to when the real virus enters the body. There is no difference in taste or culinary characteristics between the modified potato and the common potato. Scientists say that in the future, vaccines may be delivered via plants instead of needles. Current work is underway to create potato-based vaccines for the human papilloma virus, which causes cervical cancer, hepatitis B bacteria, and a form of the E-Coli bacteria. The hepatitis B potato vaccine is already being tested.  ***MARLAR: Soon even doctors will be asking if you’d like fries with that!

FUN LIST

YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN …

  • You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

  • You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

  • You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

  • The Blue Book lists your car under “Health Risk.”

  • The only thing holding your bumper on is the “Dukakis/Bentsen ’88” sticker.

  • You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

  • Evel Kenievel refuses a free lift.

  • The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FOUR WAYS TO SLASH YOUR GROCERY BILL UP TO 50%

  • Don’t Assume Generic is Cheaper: It seems logical that generic cereal or canned foods would be cheaper than their name brand counterparts, right? That’s not always true. To get the most bang for your buck look at price per ounce or price per unit.

  • Make a Meal Plan: Your dinners are where you can save big. Glance at your stores sales add and see what meat is on sale. For example, if chicken breasts are a great deal this week, plan on having chicken three nights… three different ways.

  • Let the Bloggers Do the Work For You: Find a blogger who covers your local stores. Just type in “Your Grocery Store Name Matchup” and get information about which sales match up with which coupons that week.

  • Don’t Clip: File and Click: Clipping every coupon from the Sunday paper is a waste of time for most on-the-go gals. Are you really going to buy everything in the Sunday sales ads and inserts? No. So go ahead and file those inserts by name and date so you can access the coupons when you need them and only break out the scissors on the ones you need.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

When a guy hears you talking about someone’s personal business, you can bet he’s wondering what you tell people about him when he’s not around. “Even though he’s not the one being gossiped about, he still feels a bit betrayed,” says Warren Farrell, PhD, author of “Why Men Are the Way They Are.” “It makes him doubt how much he can trust you.”  It’s probably best to follow Proverbs 20:19 on this one.  “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.”

The more frequently a household attends worship services, the more likely its members donate to religious institutions, and give generously, new research shows. “Most strikingly, those attending religious services once a month or more make an average annual religious contribution of $1,848, while those attending religious services less than once a month donate $111,” says the report from Giving USA.  http://dlvr.it/PxyblW

Three in 10 Americans have at least one tattoo, according to a 2016 Harris Poll, and of these, 69 percent have two or more tattoos. Rather than being the stuff of drunken sailors and lovesick men far from home, tattoos are now commonplace. Still, they may not be safe. The ink used in tattoos and permanent makeup may be harmful — even years later, reports WebMD of a study conducted by the European Commission’s Joint Research Centre. The ink that was studied was imported from the U.S., so this isn’t just a European problem. The commission found that the tattoo inks contained hazardous chemicals, including carcinogens. In addition, heavy metals were found in the inks, including arsenic, lead, nickel, preservatives, organic compounds and bacteria. What about the U.S.? The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has also raised concerns about tattoo ink. Specifically, it has warned about the following: Allergic reactions, Itchiness and inflammation when exposed to summer sunlight, Granulomas – or small knots or bumps that form around areas where the body senses foreign material such as the pigments in tattoo ink, And the spread of tattoo ink to the body’s lymphatic system. It’s unknown whether this has health consequences.  Perhaps even more important, the FDA admits it knows little about the tattoo inks that are currently used in the United States. Why? While tattoo inks are classified as cosmetics and their color additives are subject to regulatory authority, the FDA has not been using that authority to monitor tattoo inks due to other, more pressing public health priorities.

You can dramatically cut your calorie consumption by serving foods from the kitchen counter instead of at the table, say Cornell University researchers. “Quite simply, it is a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind,'” says professor Brian Wansink. “When we kept the serving dishes off the table, people ate 20% fewer calories. Men ate close to 29% less.” You can use the same strategy to eat healthier. Simply keep fruits and vegetables in plain sight and hide candy, cake and cookies.

A recent survey has revealed that the majority of Brits believe four of the 10 Commandments are not nearly as important in modern society. The two which the most survey participants (93 percent) said were still important were the Commandments against murder and against stealing. Below these, 87 percent of those surveyed said not bearing false witness was still relevant and 73 percent said not committing adultery was still an important Commandment to follow. Next, 69 percent said honoring one’s father and mother is still important, while 61 percent affirmed the relevance of not coveting someone else’s possessions. Thirty-one percent said that not worshipping idols is still important, 23 percent said the same for using God’s name in vain, 20 percent affirmed the importance of not worshipping other gods, and 19 percent still believe in keeping the Sabbath as a holy day to God. http://dlvr.it/PxyH1J

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Kevin Barber may only be 16 years old, but that hasn’t stopped him from helping dozens of homeless people get back on their feet again.  Barber is the instigator behind the Wheels For Change six-month pilot program that was launched in his hometown of San Diego, California.  The program pays homeless residents $11.50 an hour to perform daytime labor shifts around the city, like picking up trash and erasing graffiti. Alpha Project, the organization that started the program, then helps to connect the workers with social workers, housing, and financial advisors.  While similar projects have started cropping up in other American cities, Barber is responsible for bringing it to San Diego.  Barber first heard about the Wheels For Change initiative from a TED talk video about the positive effects that the program had had in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  The young activist was so inspired by the ingenuity of the program, he contacted city officials about hosting a Wheels For Change trial run. When they said they were on board, Kevin’s mom bankrolled the expenses for the pilot.  Now, upon seeing the success of Wheels For Change in San Diego, city officials are considering financing the program in the future.  In the mean time, however, Kevin is raising money to fund the program for the 150 homeless people who are currently on its wait list.  “The program is simple,” says Kevin. “Several days a week, a van will pick up homeless people who express an interest in working. The van will take them to work picking up trash, pulling weeds, clearing brush, etc. At the end of the day, workers will be driven back to Alpha Project, or to the City’s new tent structures for the homeless, and will be compensated for their work. Here they may also get shelter arranged.  “The goal is to get the homeless connected with social services they need, into housing, and offer them the dignity of working. It empowers people and gives them work. We believe this is a win-win for the city, the homeless, and our community.” (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Teachers at Southwest Missouri State University have been told not to use red ink when grading papers! Apparently they’re afraid it may upset the students.  

(From 2010) Teachers at Southwest Missouri State University have been told NOT to use red ink when grading their students’ papers. Why? Well because (are you sitting down?), red ink might make the students think of blood – and that might upset them! Excuse me? I received a LOT of red marks on my papers at school (I know – no surprise)! And yes, I got upset a LOT when I saw those red marks… but it wasn’t because the red ink made me think of blood – it was because I knew that my backside was going to be red when my parents saw the red ink on my test papers! My face also turned red in embarrassment every time I got the failing grades! But thinking of blood?!? Where do school administrators get these ideas? Is there a huge line of students standing in line outside the school guidance counselor’s office in tears and in terror because they saw some red ink on a paper that was returned to them? Are children brandishing guns and knives and blaming it on the red ink? No. This is simply one of those “let’s not crush their self-esteem” left-wing tactics that schools are so fond of nowadays. It comes from the same minds that say that children shouldn’t be told their wrong if they say that 2+2=5 because it might “hurt their feelings.” What they don’t realize is they are doing more damage to these children than they know, because once these kids get out of school, they’re suddenly going to be hit upside the head with reality, and their boss is going to turn red in anger and jump down their throat when they get math problems wrong that cause their employer to lose money. They’re going to be called into conferences every time they fail and they’re going to be disciplined, fired, suspended, and everything else that teachers are trying to protect them from now. How will they react then when they’ve had no experience with rejection and failure?  Easy… they’ll line up in front of their psychologists’ offices in tears wondering what happened to their lives.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188 ‘matches’ to my key word. That’s like saying: ‘Good news, we’ve located the product you’re looking for. It’s on Earth.'” –Bruce Cameron

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 23, 2018…

Pacific Rim: Uprising—For fans of the first “Pacific Rim” movie, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here comes the second film, with plenty of action and the monster robots that put Godzilla to shame. In this film, it is about ten years later and more pilots have come forth to battle the enemy. Giant, now-larger, robotic-like creatures have come again from beneath the sea to conquer Earth. What can earthlings to but modify their robots to do battle and the Earth becomes a giant stomping ground for supremacy. Scott Eastwood is here as Jake, who is a top “pilot” and his friend, Amara (Cailee Spaeny) is also there. Who will win? Will there be anything left of Earth when all is said and done? Also in the cast are John Boyega (“Star Wars”), Jing Tian, Rinko Kikuchi, Adria Arjona, Charles Day and Burn Gorman. Steven S. DeKnight directs and he also co-authored the story with T. S. Nowlin. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and count me in. 

Midnight Sun—Sunlight isn’t always good for the sick, and no one knows this better than Bella  Thorne, who has a rare disease in which sunlight is dangerous for her She also likes to play the guitar.  What to do when you are a teen, why…fall in love, of course, and enter Patrick Schwarzenner (you read that last name right) as the young man. How to carry on a courtship? Also in the cast are Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard and Paul McGillion (remember him from “Stargate: Atlantis.”) “Midnight Sun” is based on a Japanese film and is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sherlock Gnomes—Yes, even garden gnomes have a life and in this animated film—the second one for the gnomes—there is a mystery to be solved. Who to call? Why Sherlock Gnomes, of course. Who did you think? The basic premise also has disagreements between the blue gnomes and the red gnomes (think “Romeo and Juliet” here). Voices of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Johnny Depp and Mary J. Blige. “Sherlock Gnomes” is rated G. Rating of  2 for fans.

Unsane—This film is directed by Stephen Soderbergh and concerns a woman who has a problem with mental stability, so is in a hospital. The problem is—are her problems real?  Imaginary? Or, brought about by someone else? Claire Foy stars, and also in the cast are Jay Pharoah, Juno Temple (“Wonder Wheel”) and Amy Irving. “Unsane” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Leisure Seeker—On the road and away we go could be the mantra for Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland. They play a senior couple who decide to take a road trip in their old camper, The Leisure Seeker. The problem is, that Donald has a fading memory and Helen wants to preserve what memories he has and perhaps, give him new memories. This film was postponed from a 2017 opening. “Leisure Seeker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One is directed by Steven Spielberg and is a science fiction film about playing a special game. Stars Tye Sheridan.

Acrimony has Taraji  P. Henson as the wronged wife who wants answers.

Loveless (opening in select cities) is a foreign language film concerning a bickering couple and their missing son.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.