March 27, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180327
PDF: 20180327

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Stay tuned – coming up I’ll be back with more of the stuff I’m getting away with because the boss doesn’t know what I’m doing since I tuned his office radio to another station.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. — James 1:21

…while we wait for the blessed hope — the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. — Titus 2:13-14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. — Psalm 37:6-7

Thought: “Chill out!” we hear heaven say to us. Come into God’s presence with dependent, yet confident, patience. But how can we? We know God will do what is right for us over the passage of time. The Bible is God’s story (HIS-story); it is the great testimony that he is always faithful to his promises, gracious in his power to redeem, and generous with his love shared with his children. So come into his presence and be willing to be still… and patient… and trusting and hopeful!

Prayer: Father, in the quietness of this moment, I consciously relax myself in your presence and place the concerns and cares of my heart before you. I trust, dear Father, that you will act redemptively in my life. I confidently place my soul, my future, and my hope in your hands. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 3:27 NIV = for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 27, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
272 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is EDUCATION AND SHARING DAY, by presidential proclamation.  ***Proclaimed by President George W. Bush – a man whose education never taught him how to correctly pronounce the word “nuclear.”

Today is SMELL THE BREEZES DAY in Egypt.  ***Just make sure you are upwind of the camels.

Today is KITE FLYING DAY, a great day for families to go fly a kite.  ***Or to tell someone to go fly a kite – I guess it just depends on your mood.

Today is DOWNTOWN DAY, a day to go downtown just to see if it’s still there.  ***I checked, and it’s still there – and it still needs cleaning.

This is NATIONAL SLEEP AWARENESS WEEK.  ***To make sure you get enough sleep, give a listen to my podcast! (OR COMPETING LIGHT AC OR JAZZ STATION).

TODAY IS ALSO…

Celebrate Exchange Day
Education and Sharing Day
National Education and Sharing Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
World Theatre Day
American Diabetes Association Alert Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day

FRIDAY MARCH 30

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day
Pencil Day
Torrents Day
Virtual Vacation Day
World Bi-polar Day
World Marbles Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
Terri’s Day
World Backup Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
Fan Dance Day
Find A Rainbow Day
Pony Express Day
Tweed Day
Weed Out Hate
World Party Day

ON THIS DAY

1512: Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted Florida.

1917: The Seattle Metropolitans became the first U.S. team to win hockey’s Stanley Cup by defeating the Montreal Canadians.

1945: Ella Fitzgerald and the Delta Rhythm Boys recorded “It’s Only a Paper Moon.” Ella had previously recorded the song in 1938.

1952: “Singing in the Rain” premiered at New York’s Radio City Music Hall. It starred Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Connor and Jean Hagen.

1971: UCLA became the first team ever to win five consecutive NCAA basketball titles.

1972: The comic strip “Funky Winkerbean” debuted in newspapers. Creator Tom Batiuk was from Medina, Ohio.

1973: “The Godfather” won the Academy Award for best picture of 1972, but star Marlon Brando, refused to accept the Oscar for best actor. Liza Minnelli won best actress for “Cabaret.”

1976: Pittsburgh quarterback Terry Bradshaw’s “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry” reached #17, the highest position the country classic had ever reached on the country charts. It was the “B” side of Hank Williams’ “My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It” in 1949. The B.J. Thomas version made #8 on the pop charts in 1966.

1979: Guitarist Eric Clapton married Patti Boyd, the ex-wife of Beatle George Harrison, in Tucson.

1981: While setting up a demonstration of a working oil rig at the county fairgrounds, the Abilene, Texas, Chamber of Commerce struck real oil. ***They then loaded up their trucks and moved to Beverly. Hills, that is… swimming pools.. movie stars…

1991: In a demonstration in New York’s Central Park, a Volkswagon Futura test car, equipped with lasers and ultrasonic sensors, parallel-parked itself.

1993: Actress Helen Hayes died at age 92. “The First Lady of the American Theater” won Oscars, Tonys, and Emmys, and had two Broadway theaters named for her.

1996: While trying to steal industrial glue from a factory in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, a burglar knocked over two large buckets of the adhesive. When police arrived the next day, the burglar was sleeping, glued to the floor.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approved the drug Viagra, by Pfizer, to fight male impotence.

1999: Bill Minty of Bridgeport, Connecticut, boiled 6,000 eggs for his neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt in ten minutes. He boiled the eggs inside a mesh bag in a large washing machine at his dry cleaning shop. He says he perfected the technique over the years.

2001: Twelve days before his 88th birthday, Berry Thomas became the oldest bowler in America to roll a perfect 300 game. Thomas said he wasn’t nervous, that he probably couldn’t have done if he’d let himself get nervous.

2002: Singer Lyle Lovette was trampled by a bull while trying to help his uncle, who had been thrown by the animal. Lovette’s right leg was broken in several places.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1378: Gregory XI, the last French (Avignonese) pope, dies. Arguments over who would replace him led to what is called “The Great Schism,” when the creation of antipopes divided Western Christianity.

1536: Swiss Protestants sign the First Helvetic Confession, the first uniform confession of faith for all German-speaking Switzerland and an important Reformation document.

1555: William Hunter, a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, unwilling to compromise with the religious powers of the day, is burned to death. He was just 19 years old. His last words were of forgiveness for those who officiated at his execution.

1667: English poet John Milton publishes Paradise Lost, an epic of humankind’s creation and fall.

1753: Stephen Badger is ordained by a local American congregation as a missionary to the American Indians.

1808: At the first performance of his oratorio The Creation, the old and feeble composer Franz Joseph Haydn rises to applause and points to heaven, giving credit to God.

1991: Lynda Bethea is attacked and beaten to death in Kenya where she is working as a Southern Baptist missionary. Such events have probably been more rare in Africa than on the streets of American cities.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (License to Kill, Mambo Kings, Spy Hard) Talisa Soto 50
  • actor (Austin Powers in Goldmember, The Omega Code, The Omega Code 2) Michael York 75

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Sarah Vaughan

1940 : Derrick Morgan

1946 : Andy Bown (Status Quo)

1950 : Tony Banks (Genesis)

1954 : Wally Stocker (The Babys, Air Supply and Humble Pie)

1959 : Andrew Farris (INXS)

1964 : Derrick McKenzie (Jamiroquai)

1965 : Johnny April (Staind)

1970 : Mariah Carey

1970 : Brendan Hill (Blues Traveler)

1975 : Fergie (Black Eyed Peas)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Who was this Murphy guy and why does he get his own law?

Murphy’s Law states that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. The U.S. Congress didn’t create this law, although it certainly describes how our government often operates. “Murphy” was Ed Murphy, an engineer in the 1940s working on experiments involving the rocket sled. People were strapped into this gizmo, which ran on rails, and then quickly accelerated from a standing start to enormous speeds to see how much they could take. You’ve probably even seen short films of someone riding in one, their face turning into silly putty under the force of the acceleration. Anyway, one day Murphy commented about a nincompoop of a technician who had incorrectly wired some equipment, that “if there’s any way to do things wrong, he will.” And it caught on. By the way, the nincompoop, who was asked to write an apology, broke his pencil, accidentally tore the paper, got up to get another piece, and tripped and broke his leg. Murphy’s Law had taken effect.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Starbucks has announced a new “fortune telling” Crystal Ball Frappucino. ***You just have to really carefully not to spill it everywhere when you shake it up to get your answer from the Magic 8-Ball under the lid.

The Church of England now takes Apple Pay and Google Pay.  ***That’s gotta be a big hassle on Sunday mornings when they pass the collection plate around.

Astronomer Jill Tarter – whose life and career were the basis for Jodie Foster’s character in “Contact” – feels confident that we will find alien life by the year 2100.  ***Well nuts – that means I’ll be dead long before I have the opportunity to welcome our new alien overlords.

Kevin Federline says the $20,000 a month he receives from his ex, Britney Spears, isn’t enough. ***If you can’t take care of your kid for $20,000 per month, you have no business taking care of that kid – period.

There’s a new trend out there where women are having diamonds pierced into their finger instead of wearing engagement rings. ***Nowhere in the marriage vows does it say you have to be sound of mind.

China’s media regulator is cracking down on parody videos. ***Wow, China – why don’t you just get it over with and ban “fun stuff” in general?

Alaska Airlines is planning to retire the Virgin America name by the end of 2019. ***They fully expect by the year 2019 to no longer be able to find any virgins.

 Danny Konieczny was taken to a Florida hospital last week after his neighbor reported him to be drunk and suicidal. After waiting for two hours to see a doctor, Danny got frustrated and decided to steal an ambulance to get home. Danny parked the ambulance in his neighbor’s driveway to get back at them for reporting him to the police. When police looked for him, Danny was found in the trunk of his own car, inside his garage.  ***Yep.  Alcohol was DEFINITELY involved.

YouTube is planning a “Karate Kid” series that follows the characters 34 years later.  ***You had to know someone was eventually going to feel bad enough for Ralph Macchio to break down and offer him a job.

 A woman in China is weaving clothing and more using nearly 200,000 strands of her own hair. The 64-year-old has so far knitted two hats and a sweater. She’s been collecting her hair since 2003, cataloging the number of strands harvested from her brush every month.  ***It’s healthy to have a hobby – but perhaps someone should’ve told her to be a bit more discriminating in choosing one.

It’s a teenager’s worst nightmare. In Buffalo, Minnesota, a 17-year-old’s attempt to get her driver’s license didn’t go so well. She failed about two-seconds in after the examiner asked her to put the car in reverse and slowly back out of the parking lot. Instead she put the 2014 Chevy Equinox into drive and promptly drove right through the front of the DMV station in a strip mall. Buffalo Police Chief Pat Budke said the girl was not hurt but her vehicle suffered significant damage. However, the examiner, a 60-year-old woman from Buffalo, was taken to a local hospital with noncritical injuries.  ***Probably from digging her fingernails out of the dashboard.

Charles Lazarus, the founder of Toys R Us, died last week at the age of 94. ***If I had to guess, from a broken heart.

Foldable phones could be the newest trend among major distributors in the next two years. Apple is reportedly working on a foldable iPhone. The completely new design could be ready for release as early as 2020. ***If they sell well, Apple plans to begin making large phones the size of bricks, followed by bag phones, and phones you can have installed in your car.

Willie Nelson continues to insist that he’s not dead yet. ***We’re still waiting for him to show proof of that fact though.

Pink had to postpone her concert last Friday night in Montreal due to illness.  ***Apparently people in Montreal were sick of her.

In Zephyrhills, Florida, 35-year-old Carol Stone was furious that her husband forgot their wedding anniversary. And when we say furious we mean she “smacked the victim multiple times in the head and face, leaving red marks, and pushed him to the ground” according to police. The husband recorded the altercation on his cellphone and Stone was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge after he showed police the footage. Police say Stone later admitted that she “flipped” after her husband forgot the date. ***I’m guessing he’ll never forget it again though, so I’d say her mission was accomplished.

The Mr. Rogers Commemorative Postage Stamp is now available.  ***Perfect if you want to reach out to ask someone to be your neighbor – even if that person happens to be your neighbor.

New research seems to indicate that Nearly 40% of all cancers diagnosed every year could be avoided through lifestyle changes.  ***For example – don’t ever go to the doctor, that way you’ll never get the diagnosis!  Okay, now that I say that out loud, maybe that’s not the best alternative.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A recent study shows that kids who watch too much TV develop poor social skills.  ***Meaning the “Cash Me Outside” girl was more than likely raised in front of a Magnavox big screen.

Should you believe all of those text messages you’re sent from your friends?  Turns out a lot of them aren’t completely honest. There’s a good chance that about 11% of the text messages you send and receive are deceptive. This is according to researchers at Cornell University, who examined nearly 5,400 texts and found that 10.7% of them are used to tell people we’re some place we’re not, or that we “have to go” when we really just want to end a conversation.  ***I’d give you the rest of the story, but I’m in Kenya and kinda busy right now.

Health experts are giving America’s senior citizens something serious to chew on — new numbers showing they need to eat better and exercise more. A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that one-third of Americans over 65 don’t take part in any physical activities in their free time.  And researchers say that twice as many — two thirds of all seniors — don’t get enough fruits and vegetables each day. ***Heck, according to them, I’m a senior citizen!

Could a blind person drive a car? Researchers are trying to make that far-fetched notion a reality.   The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently.  ***In the meantime, the only driving allowed by the blind is in Chicago as cab drivers.

A new study claims one in four dogs is clinically depressed and show signs such as pacing, chasing their tail, howling and pooping. A group called Home Alone Dogs says the reason for all the downer dogs is that so many pooches are left at home during the day and miss their masters.  ***What?  So if dogs are NOT depressed that means they won’t poop?  Well there’s a reason right there to keep your dog entertained.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was meeting all of the Razzleflabbins for the first time, and they were telling him how they accept everyone they meet… without exception. Everyone is welcome, everyone is considered a friend, well… except for that one Razzleflabbin…

CLOSE: What will happen to Marvy? Will the Plaid Guy put an end to Razzleflabbin Island forever? And does the Plaid Guy have a second cousin twice-removed named Paisley Guy? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Teenagers on their way to a court-mandated counseling session commit a big Moment of Duh.

Four Winnipeg teenagers were ordered to attend a court-mandated counseling program after they were caught stealing cars. Apparently that counseling isn’t working too well. Not wanting to miss a session, but not wanting to walk to their appointment in sub-freezing temperatures, they faced a quandary. In the end, it turns out they missed their session because they were arrested for stealing a car to get to go see the counselor.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT GEEKS REALLY DO RULE THE WORLD

10. Electronic voting machines.

9. Two words: Bill Gates

8. I can go a week without chocolate or ice cream. I can’t go 5 minutes without checking my e-mail.

7. Every hour of every day, somewhere, there is a re-run of Star Trek on TV.

6. They always triumph over the evil jocks and frat boys in serious Hollywood films, which, by the way, are favorably reviewed by geek trend-setters.

5. All songs eventually become “technotized”

4. Suddenly it’s cool to have a hard drive in your pocket that plays “em-pee-threes”?

3. This year’s Olympics were simulcast in English, Spanish, Italian, and Klingon.

2. TIVO, WIFI, and iPHONE

1. Actually, geeks just rule the northern hemisphere; nerds rule the western, dorks rule the southern, and spazzoids have muscled most of the eastern hemisphere from the morons.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

An angry prisoner decides to make a statement by keeping his mouth shut. . . with stitches!

FILE #1: A man jailed in Sweden has stitched his lips together after an appeal over his sentence was rejected. The 35-year-old inmate sewed his lips together with six stitches. Apparently he’s upset that a court rejected his appeal that his three-year sentence be reduced. As weird as this sounds, the courts cannot do anything about it as long as he is considered mentally well. ***MARLAR: He sewed his lips together – how can he be mentally well?

FILE #2: William Donner of Franklinton, Louisiana was caught on security cameras throwing a cement block through the window of a convenience store and stealing some items inside. He stuffed the items into a duffel bag and headed into the nearby woods where the cops found him a short time later. It was then that he offered up his pitiful excuse. He said that the man on the video tape was his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in identical clothing and commits crimes to get him into trouble. The cops aren’t buying that one. He’s been arrested.

FILE #3: Two would-be robbers in Florida failed the Pepsi challenge. The two men, who were disguised as women, tried to ambush a bank employee by hiding in the bushes outside of the bank. But when they attempted to take some of the banker’s money, the 5-foot-1 inch woman knocked one of the thieves over the head with a 12-pack of Pepsi she had in a grocery bag she was carrying. The 6-foot-four inch crook and his accomplice ran off without out any of the bank’s money.

STRANGE LAW: It is legal to gather and consume road kill in Tennessee.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Don’t store your cash in the same plastic bag as your marijuana stash!

In Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, a 21-year-old man tried to deposit $4,000 in cash at a local bank. Usually banks are more than happy to accept cash but this cash had a unique property — it reeked of pot! Bank employees called police who tested it for marijuana, and sure enough– it came back positive. They arrested the guy after he returned to the bank to make a withdrawal. And of course they found plenty of bagged marijuana at his home.

PHONER PHUN

According to the New England Historic Genealogical Society, Barack Obama is a distant cousin of actor Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. Me? I’m a distant relative of Bill Clinton (by marriage) and the actress Diane Keaton is my third cousin (who has no idea I exist, I’m sure). Are YOU related to someone famous?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What weather phenomenon did the Lord use to defeat the Amorites when Joshua and his men were fighting them?
ANSWER: Hailstones — Joshua 10:11

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many calories per hour would you use just by banging your head against a wall?

ANSWER: 150 calories an hour. ***MARLAR: Although I wouldn’t suggest it as an exercise program.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The human face is made up of 14 bones. (True)

2. One barrel of petroleum holds 402 gallons. (False, 42 gallons)

3. Bhutan issued a postage stamp in 1973 that doubled as a vinyl record. (True. It looked like a record and actually would play the Bhutanese national anthem if placed on a record player.)

4. The study of rocks is known as gemellology. (False – it’s the study of twins)

5. There are more than 3000 documented caves located in the state of Tennessee. (True)

6. On average, the rainfall across the Amazon is 3 feet annually. (False – seven feet.)

7. In the U.S. peanuts account for 66% of all snack nuts. (True)

8. The wheelbarrow was invented by American slaves. (False – it was invented by the Chinese)

9. Donkeys can live between 30 to 50 years in captivity. (True)

10. About 25 percent of all the energy consumed in the US is from natural gas. (True. ***MARLAR: Thank you, Taco Bell!) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

BRIDE MARRIES ________ (HERSELF)

Nadine Schweigert married herself in a beautiful ceremony attended by 300 guests.

The 36-year-old divorced mom of three wore blue satin and clutched a bouquet of white roses as she walked down the aisle before a gathering of 45 friends and family members in Fargo, North Dakota.

She vowed to “to enjoy inhabiting my own life and to relish a lifelong love affair with my beautiful self,” reports Fargo’s InForum newspaper . After the ring was exchanged with the bride and her inner-groom, guests were encouraged to “blow kisses at the world,” and later, eat cake.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”

Martha always replied, “I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 Dollars is 10 dollars.”

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, “Martha, I’m 81 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 10 dollars.”

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Bill replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

JOKE #2

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.

“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

JOKE #3

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, “How did your game go?”

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders.

The second said he did OK with 16 riders.

The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.

The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term “rider” but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, “Jerry, can you tell me what does this term ‘riders’ mean?”

Jerry smiled and explained that a “rider” is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

USELESS FACTS

The rhinoceros beetle can carry up to 850 times its weight on its back. This is equivalent to a person carrying over 50 mini-vans on their back.  ***Or giving Rosie O’Donnell a piggy-back ride.

What’s the longest place-name in America? Let’s journey to Worcester County in Massachusetts, where there’s a lake that can literally take your breath away. It’s Lake Chargogga-goggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. The name, which has 17 g’s, is pronounced, naturally, as it’s spelled. Not that pronouncing it “naturally” is possible. According to author Bill McLain, this Nipmuck Indian word means, “You fish on your side, I fish on my side, nobody fishes in the middle.” By the way, it’s also known as Lake Webster.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FICTION

John: Do you know where I can find that new book called Men Rule, Women Obey?

Jill: Yes, it’s in the fiction department.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

FATTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET

How can you stop a speeding bullet from killing you without wearing any protective clothing?

Omar Alegria Campos was driving his bus in the San Bernardo area of Santiago when an armed man got on and started robbing passengers. Alegria stopped the bus and switched on his emergency lights to alert the police. He then tried to grab the man’s weapon. The attacker fired twice. The first bullet smashed the windscreen and the second lodged in the bus driver’s stomach. Despite the wound, Alegria managed to throw himself on top of the robber, stopping him from escaping. Did he just ignore the pain? Is he a superhero? No. Doctors say the 266 pound man was saved by his rolls of fat. They say the bullet lodged in the man’s fat and did not damage any vital organs. According to doctors, a thinner person would have been killed immediately. A hospital spokesperson says the man’s thick layer of fat acted in the same way as a bulletproof vest, taking the impact of the shot. ***MARLAR: Doesn’t this mean that if I lose weight, my life is actually in more peril from gunshot wounds?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

KINDNESS

One day a woman was walking down the street when she spied a beggar sitting on the corner. The man was elderly, unshaven, and ragged. As he sat there, pedestrians walked by him giving him dirty looks They clearly wanted nothing to do with him because of who he was — a dirty, homeless man. But when she saw him, the woman was moved to compassion.

It was very cold that day and the man had his tattered coat — more like an old suit coat rather than a warm coat — wrapped around him. She stopped and looked down. “Sir?” she asked. “Are you all right?”

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like that she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before. “Leave me alone,” he growled.

To his amazement, the woman continued standing.

She was smiling — her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. “Are you hungry?” she asked.

“No,” he answered sarcastically. “I’ve just come from dining with the president. Now go away.”

The woman’s smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. “What are you doing, lady?” the man asked angrily. “I said to leave me alone.”

Just then a policeman came up. “Is there any problem, ma’am?” he asked.

“No problem here, officer,” the woman answered. “I’m just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?”

The officer scratched his head. “That’s old Jack. He’s been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?”

“See that cafeteria over there?” she asked. “I’m going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile.”

“Are you crazy, lady?” the homeless man resisted. “I don’t want to go in there!” Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up. “Let me go, officer. I didn’t do anything.”

“This is a good deal for you, Jack,” the officer answered. “Don’t blow it.”

Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived. The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by the table. “What’s going on here, officer?” he asked. “What is all this. Is this man in trouble?”

“This lady brought this man in here to be fed,” the policeman answered.

“Not in here!” the manager replied angrily. “Having a person like that here is bad for business.”

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. “See, lady. I told you so. Now if you’ll let me go. I didn’t want to come here in the first place.”

The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. “Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?”

“Of course I am,” the manager answered impatiently. “They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms.”

“And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?”

“What business is that of yours?”

“I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company.”

“Oh.”

The woman smiled again. “I thought that might make a difference.” She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. “Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?”

“No thanks, ma’am,” the officer replied. “I’m on duty.”

“Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?”

“Yes, ma’am. That would be very nice.”

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. “I’ll get your coffee for you right away, officer.”

The officer watched him walk away. “You certainly put him in his place,” he said.

“That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this.” She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently. “Jack, do you remember me?”

Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes “I think so — I mean you do look familiar.”

“I’m a little older perhaps,” she said. “Maybe I’ve even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry.”

“Ma’am?” the officer said questioningly. He couldn’t believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

“I was just out of college,” the woman began. “I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn’t find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat.”

Jack lit up with a smile. “Now I remember,” he said. “I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy.”

“I know,” the woman continued. “Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register. I knew then that everything would be all right.”

“So you started your own business?” Old Jack said.

“I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered.” She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. “When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He’s the personnel director of my company. I’ll go talk to him now and I’m certain he’ll find something for you to do around the office.” She smiled. “I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet And if you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you.”

There were tears in the old man’s eyes. “How can I ever thank you,” he said.

“Don’t thank me,” the woman answered. “To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus. He led me to you.”

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. “Thank you for all your help, officer,” she said.

“On the contrary, Ms. Eddy,” he answered. “Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And… And thank you for the coffee.”

She frowned. “I forgot to ask you whether you used creme or sugar. That’s black.”

The officer looked at the steaming cup of coffee in his hand. “Yes, I do take creme and sugar — perhaps more sugar than is good for me.” He patted his ample stomach.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I don’t need it now,” he replied smiling. “I’ve got the feeling that this coffee you bought me is going to taste as sweet as sugar.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

STRENGTH & SUPPORT

Read: Job 4:1-11

Your words have upheld him who was stumbling, and you have strengthened the feeble knees. —Job 4:4

The local newspaper reported that a mother is devastated because her 21-year-old son, who had always seemed like an upright young man, had been arrested for dealing drugs.

Also in our community, the parents and siblings of a 15-year-old are grieving because he was killed in a gun accident.

An aged friend is heartbroken because her only daughter, the person she depended on more than all others, died from cancer.

People who are hurting have a common need: the comfort that comes from trusting God. They need to be assured that tragedy and grief are not a mark of God’s disfavor but that He weeps with them, He loves them, and He will never leave those who are His.

Eliphaz said to Job: “Your words have upheld him who was stumbling, and you have strengthened feeble knees” (Job 4:4). Job earned this tribute despite his own deep suffering. And when we offer comfort to sorrowing and suffering people, we not only emulate Job—we emulate Jesus.

In the midst of a host of hurting people, each one of us can reach out to become a comforter like Job. Let’s ask God to make our hearts tender enough to support and strengthen those who are hurting. —Herb Vander Lugt

Reach out and give your love to the loveless,
Reach out and make a home for the homeless;
Reach out and shed God’s light in the darkness—

Reach out and let the smile of God touch through you. —Brown
© 1971 Word, Inc

God doesn’t comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters.

LEFTOVERS

WOMAN SUES COMPANY AFTER TOILET TRAGEDY

A woman falls of a toilet seat – and decides to sue!

A woman fell off a loose toilet seat at the New York City office where she worked. She has decided to sue the company claiming she was disabled by the fall. The woman’s doctor says she landed on her elbow in “just the wrong way” causing injury to the nerves in her arm.  ***MARLAR: You have to admire this woman for her bravery; how many people do you know that would actually ADMIT they fell off a toilet? It’s too bad this happened in New York City – it would’ve been hilarious if it had happened in Flushing, New York.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Suffer back pain at work?

To avoid contracting a case of “office worker’s back,” deskbound employees need to spend nearly 17% of their workday on the move. Since the human spine wasn’t designed to sit all day long, a health expert and chiropractor recommends that desk jockeys practice the 50-10 rule. According to the rule, says Eric Plasker of Atlanta, for every 50 minutes you sit on your duff, you need to kick start your circulation by moving around for 10 minutes. You can walk around the office, stand and pace while taking phone calls, or even adjust your computer monitor so that you can occasionally type while standing up, he says. Plasker estimates that the average office worker spends 15 years on their bum between the ages of 25 to 70, all of which doesn’t including sitting at home, in the car or while out on the town. (National Examiner)

JUST FOR FUN

DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE FOR THAT PENCIL BOX?

It’s sad that some people have to beg on the street to survive. But Canada might be making it even tougher on beggars on the street… by making them require a license to panhandle!

…Calgary, Alberta City Council is voting on whether to require panhandlers need an ID badge in order to beg… and to get the ID badge, they’ll have to agree to a certain code of conduct. Also, in order to get the ID badge, they would have to agree to undergo counseling and workshops on how to find a job. ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t it make more sense to spend time finding a job rather than studying for exams in order to get an ID badge so you can remain unemployed?

FUN LIST

SPRING CLEANING

It’s Spring Cleaning Week! Here are a few tips for you…

  • Do: When you dust, start at the top and work down. Don’t: Try to save time and money on feather dusters by hopping the neighbor’s cat up on cat nip and using its tail.

  • Do: Wash the walls from the bottom up to avoid streaking. Don’t: Cut corners by filling up your super soaker with Windex.

  • Do: Wash the knickknacks instead of dusting. Don’t: Run the knickknacks in a load of laundry.

  • Do: Open a box of baking soda to absorb odors in your refrigerator. Don’t: Recklessly open gurgling Tupperware.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DRUG-FREE TIPS FOR PREVENTING CAR SICKNESS

  • Be a sucker: Queasy Pops are a natural way to ease an upset stomach.

  • Sea-Band it: Sea-Bands are drug-free wrist bands that naturally reduce nausea associated with motion sickness.

  • Take regular breaks: No one wants to road trip it longer than absolutely necessary but taking regularly scheduled breaks can make your trip much more enjoyable. Breaks not only allow for good old-fashioned leg stretching, they also give your queasy kids a much needed break from constant motion. A good rule of thumb is to allow for at least an 20 minute break for every 2-3 hours of car travel.

  • Look to the horizon: Whizzing scenery out of a car’s side window can turn little tummies.

  • Inhale: Slow deep breaths through the mouth can help relieve nausea associated with motion sickness.

  • No reading, gaming, or DVD watching: As tempting as it is to occupy your kids with books, portable game devices, and videos, these activities can cause the barfs. In fact, anything that involves focusing on a fixed spot while in motion can start the vomit ball rolling. Eww, I just said “vomit ball”.

  • Get minty fresh: Peppermint candies, or really, any hard candy can ease an upset stomach on the road.

  • Get in control: Driving at a steady pace can help alleviate car sickness. If your car has cruise control, use it.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

What’s worse: skipping breakfast or eating a doughnut? Downing the doughnut. All that sweet stuff is only going to make you hungrier in a couple of hours when your blood sugar crashes. Also know that skipping breakfast won’t bring on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Your body has plenty of stored fuel to carry you through to lunch. “I even encourage some of my clients to skip a mean every so often so they know what it’s like to feel hungry, deal with it, and not freak,” says Mike Roussell, Ph.D. Think of it as your willpower workout. (Men’s Health)

If you want to do something better — be it running the mile faster, saving more for retirement or keeping your house cleaner — just tell yourself that you can do it better. And then you likely will do it better. That’s the word from British researchers who have determined that self-talk is a highly effective motivator no matter what the task. A study found those who used self-talk as a motivator–that is, saying “I can do better next time” — performed better than the control group in every portion of the task. The greatest improvements were seen in self-talk-outcome (telling yourself, “I can beat my best score”), self-talk-process (telling yourself, “I can react quicker this time”), imagery-outcome (imagining yourself playing the game and beating your best score), and imagery-process (imagining yourself playing and reacting quicker than last time).

Think your dog is oh-so-smart because he sits on command or fetches when instructed? He’s way smarter than that. Dogs are able to recognize the faces of familiar people, according to Polish researchers from the University of Helsinki. Until now, it was widely thought that recognizing facial features was such a specialized skill that only humans and some primates could do it. The study: Led by Ouit Vainio, the team used eye movement tracking to determine dogs’ ability to recognize faces. It is believed to be the first time this has ever been done. Specifically, dogs were shown photos on a computer screen of people and other canines, including images of their owners or another dog in the same family. In addition, they were shown photos of unfamiliar people and dogs. Prior to the experiment, none of the dogs had been trained to recognize faces. “Dogs were trained to lie still during the image presentation and to perform the task independently. Dogs seemed to experience the task [as] rewarding, because they were very eager to participate,” Vainio said. When the dogs saw photos of familiar human faces they looked at them more thoroughly than they did the unfamiliar faces, focusing especially on the eyes. When they viewed faces of strangers, their gaze was less fixed and moved around more. Vainio says this indicates the dogs were able to distinguish between familiar and unfamiliar faces. In fact, he believes dogs may have a natural ability to do this, similar to the facial recognition skills of human beings.

A sleep expert at Harvard Medical School thinks she knows what your dog is dreaming about — and it’s probably you. Dr. Deirdre Barrett has spent years studying sleep behavior in humans. Based on her work with people, she said it is likely dogs dream about their everyday experiences, just like humans. Which means when your dog’s day is over it could be dreaming about you.

Here’s a great reason to listen to the radio. An hour of TV shortens your life by 22 minutes. Yes, we bet you never thought your TV could kill you but a recent study concludes that for every hour you watch, your life span is shortened by 22 minutes. That means gluing your eyes to the tube is about as dangerous as smoking or obesity, say the study scientists. “But while smoking rates are declining, watching TV is not,” says Lennert Veerman, a researcher in the Australian study. Of course, the real danger from TV is that it creates chubby, junk food snacking couch potatoes, whose only exercise is walking to the kitchen for more high fat treats or the bathroom. And experts agree that a sedentary lifestyle is linked to heart disease, obesity, diabetes and other health woes. The good news is that while watching TV for an hour knocks off 22 minutes of life, experts also say working out for 15 minutes a day adds on a whopping three years.  ***So keep listening to (STATION)… we’re better for your health than TV!

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

When a thief stole Amanda Needham’s bike from the front of her home, she left a giant angry sign in its place as an expression of frustration. Though she was not expecting anything to come from the sign, she was surprised when it spurred several strangers to knock on her door.  Needham’s trusty bike was stolen last Saturday night while it was chained up in front of her home in Brooklyn. Heartbroken by the injustice, she left a note for the thief in bright yellow paint on a piece of cardboard eight feet wide.  The note read: “To the person who stole my bicycle. I hope you need it more than I do. It was $200 used, and I need it to get to work. I can’t afford another one. Next time, steal a hipster’s Peugeot. Or not steal! PS: Bring it back.”  “I felt a little foolish writing the sign,” Needham wrote in a blog post. “After all, if my husband and I had spent nearly as much time double securing my bicycle as I did writing the sign, I might not be in the situation. But I knew other people’s bicycles had been stolen in the neighborhood, and the least I could do was acknowledge what had happened. I left it up for seven days.”  A few days after hanging the sign, two young men knocked on Needham’s door with a blue teenager-sized mountain bike in hand. One of the gentlemen said that his own bike had also been stolen from the neighborhood, and he wanted to give Needham the replacement bike so she could get to work.  “I was flustered by the offer and tried to deflect, saying I really appreciated it, but wasn’t sure if I’d be able to use it. What was clear, however, was that it wasn’t about the bicycle, it was about their desire to help. I accepted, touched by the humanity of the gesture,” says Needham.  A few more days later, a middle-aged woman stopped by and said that she worked in the neighborhood, saw the sign, and had made her husband drive the car around the block for a second time so she could knock on Needham’s door and ask her what kind of bicycle she needed.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A baby is left in the car – because Mom and Dad had to go shopping for sex toys!  

(From 2013) A Wisconsin couple is facing misdemeanor child-endangerment charges for leaving their baby in a parked car while they shopped for sex toys in northern Illinois.  The parents were shopping at Lover’s Lane in Libertyville, Ill., on June 22, 2013. Libertyville police say the couple left their 9-month old son in the sweltering car for 20 minutes without air conditioning.  Police say the baby was crying and sweating profusely. They say he doesn’t appear to have suffered any long-term effects.  The father is an 18-year-old from Kenosha and the mother is a 20-year-old from Pleasant Prairie. They told police they left the boy in the car because no one under the age of 18 is allowed inside the store.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two Aspirin”, and “Keep away from children.” –Unknown

“If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.” -Will Rogers

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 23, 2018…

Pacific Rim: Uprising—For fans of the first “Pacific Rim” movie, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here comes the second film, with plenty of action and the monster robots that put Godzilla to shame. In this film, it is about ten years later and more pilots have come forth to battle the enemy. Giant, now-larger, robotic-like creatures have come again from beneath the sea to conquer Earth. What can earthlings to but modify their robots to do battle and the Earth becomes a giant stomping ground for supremacy. Scott Eastwood is here as Jake, who is a top “pilot” and his friend, Amara (Cailee Spaeny) is also there. Who will win? Will there be anything left of Earth when all is said and done? Also in the cast are John Boyega (“Star Wars”), Jing Tian, Rinko Kikuchi, Adria Arjona, Charles Day and Burn Gorman. Steven S. DeKnight directs and he also co-authored the story with T. S. Nowlin. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and count me in. 

Midnight Sun—Sunlight isn’t always good for the sick, and no one knows this better than Bella  Thorne, who has a rare disease in which sunlight is dangerous for her She also likes to play the guitar.  What to do when you are a teen, why…fall in love, of course, and enter Patrick Schwarzenner (you read that last name right) as the young man. How to carry on a courtship? Also in the cast are Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard and Paul McGillion (remember him from “Stargate: Atlantis.”) “Midnight Sun” is based on a Japanese film and is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sherlock Gnomes—Yes, even garden gnomes have a life and in this animated film—the second one for the gnomes—there is a mystery to be solved. Who to call? Why Sherlock Gnomes, of course. Who did you think? The basic premise also has disagreements between the blue gnomes and the red gnomes (think “Romeo and Juliet” here). Voices of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Johnny Depp and Mary J. Blige. “Sherlock Gnomes” is rated G. Rating of  2 for fans.

Unsane—This film is directed by Stephen Soderbergh and concerns a woman who has a problem with mental stability, so is in a hospital. The problem is—are her problems real?  Imaginary? Or, brought about by someone else? Claire Foy stars, and also in the cast are Jay Pharoah, Juno Temple (“Wonder Wheel”) and Amy Irving. “Unsane” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Leisure Seeker—On the road and away we go could be the mantra for Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland. They play a senior couple who decide to take a road trip in their old camper, The Leisure Seeker. The problem is, that Donald has a fading memory and Helen wants to preserve what memories he has and perhaps, give him new memories. This film was postponed from a 2017 opening. “Leisure Seeker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One is directed by Steven Spielberg and is a science fiction film about playing a special game. Stars Tye Sheridan.

Acrimony has Taraji  P. Henson as the wronged wife who wants answers.

Loveless (opening in select cities) is a foreign language film concerning a bickering couple and their missing son.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.