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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160328
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Not feeling very well this morning, I hope it doesn’t affect the show. I went into an authentic Mexican restaurant last night. It was so authentic that the waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it.
By the way, today is “Something on a Stick” day… so before you begin listening to my show, be sure to stick your listening device on a stick. Otherwise, you can stick it. (I’m sorry, that was totally uncalled for – I apologize.)
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought. –Jeremiah 17:7-8
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. — Psalm 62:7
He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. — Colossians 1:22
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” — Daniel 3:25
Thought: The story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego shows their faith is solid whether God chooses to save them from the fire, or not. God not only saves them, but those who intended to execute them become the key witnesses of their faith and God’s miraculous deliverance. They are not only sons of the One True God, but they are also examples to all of us who are tempted to compromise our faith to get along in a society that has lost all respect for the Almighty God.
Prayer: Dear Father in heaven, please give me the same kind of faith that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego demonstrated! When adversity, persecution, ridicule, and ostracism come, I want my faith to stand up to the test. Thank you, dear Father, for giving me the Bible, which is my book of heroes who stood their ground and kept their faith, especially under fire. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Galatians 3:28 NIV = There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 28, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 271 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL BLACK FOREST CAKE DAY. *** If cherry pies are made with cherries, chocolate cakes are made with chocolate, what are black forest cakes made of?
Today is NATIONAL SOMETHING ON A STICK DAY. *** But not black forest cake – it doesn’t stay on the stick very well and makes a terrible mess.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Barnum & Bailey Day
Be Mad Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
Knights of Columbus Founders Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
World Bi-Polar Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
Bunsen Burner Day
International Hug a Medievalist Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 01
American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools Day / All Fools Day
Boomer Bonus Day
Hospital Admitting Clerks Day
Library Snap Shot Day
National Fun Day
National Fun at Work Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading Is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
U.S. Air Force Academy Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 02
International Children’s Book Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 03
Fan Dance Day
Black Marriage Day
Pony Express Day
Weed Out Hate: Sow The Seeds of Greatness Day
MONDAY, APRIL 04
International Day for Mine Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action
National Love Our Children Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
ON THIS DAY
1881: P.T. Barnum and James Bailey merged their circuses to form “The Greatest Show on Earth.”
1936: Gospel singer-composer Bill Gaither was born. With wife Gloria he wrote “Because He Lives,” “The King is Coming,” “The Longer I Serve Him,” and “Something Beautiful.”
1958: Eddie Cochran recorded “Summertime Blues.” It would reach #8 on the Billboard Hot 100.
1973: Wilt Chamberlain retired from pro basketball. In 1,045 games during 14 years, he never fouled out of a game.
1979: America’s worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, Pennsylvania.
1983: Fred Jipp was sentenced to 28 years in prison in Phoenix for fraud and bigamy. In 30 years he allegedly had married 104 women in 28 countries. He died in 1991. ***MARLAR: From exhaustion.
1984: In the middle of the night Robert Irsay moved the Baltimore Colts football team to Indianapolis. ***MARLAR: The toughest part was finding big enough boxes and Styrofoam peanuts to move the players.
1986: More than 6,000 radio stations of all formats played “We Are the World” simultaneously at 10:15 a.m. EST.
1987: Maria von Trapp, whose life inspired the musical ”The Sound of Music,” died at age 82.
1990: Officials in Chester, South Carolina, reassured concerned residents that the white dust caking their cars near the Borden factory was just Cremora.
1995: Singer Lyle Lovett and actress Julia Roberts announced they were separating after 21 months of marriage.
1997: Trees were planted throughout Sarajevo in the former Yugoslavia to replace 40,000 trees cut down for wood during the war.
1999: Venus Williams beat kid sister Serena 6-1, 4-6, 6-4 to win the Lipton Championships in the first all-sister women’s final in 115 years.
2002: Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong’s cornet was added to the National Museum of American History, one of the Smithsonian museums in Washington, D.C.
2003: A Briton called Eric Bush legally changed his name to protest the U.S.-led war in Iraq. The 72-year-old, who lived in southern France, said he was ashamed to bear the same name as the U.S. president. He officially changed his name to Buisson, the French term for bush.
2004: Sir Peter Ustinov, the actor who won Oscars for his roles in “Spartacus” and “Topkapi,” died in Switzerland at age 82.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1515: Spanish mystic Teresa of Avila, founder of a reformed Carmelite order, is born. Though her contemporaries noted her practicality and administrative skills, her legacy stems from her mysticism, evidenced in her Autobiography, Way of Perfection, Book of Foundations, and Interior Castle.
1592: Czech theologian Jan Comenius, educator of the Bohemian (or Moravian) Brethren, is born in Nivnice, Czechoslovakia. As today, the region was tormented by warfare, and Comenius believed the only way to bring peace was through education. He designed a plan for educating every province and country, which he presented in The Great Didactic(1632). Education, he believed, should be more than just learning facts and languages (as was the case in his day), it should mold Christian character and should be marked by observing the physical world. He is called “the father of modern education”
1646: Boston Baptists hold their first recorded meeting. Baptists were long rejected in the colonies, but held on to become the dominant denominational group in the US.
1661: Scottish Parliament passes the Rescissory Act, repealing all church-state legislation created since 1633 (Charles I’s reign). In essence, the act restored the Anglican episcopacy to Scotland and quashed Presbyterianism, which had been the national church since 1638. In 1690 Parliament again established the Church of Scotland as Presbyterian.
1937: Billy Graham gets his first opportunity to preach when his teacher John Minder unexpectedly assigns him the Easter evening sermon. Graham tried to get out of it, saying he was unprepared, but Minder persisted. Desperately nervous, Graham raced through four memorized sermons, originally 45 minutes each, in eight minutes.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (Save the Last Dance, The Bourne Identity/Bourne Supremacy) Julia Stiles, 35
- actor (Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) Vince Vaughn 46
- actress (“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” Lt. j.g. Meg Austin in “JAG”) Tracey Needham 49 (audio clip)
- singer Evie 60
- Singer/actress (“Reba”) Reba McEntire, 62 (audio clip)
- Actress (Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters, D.A. Nora Lewin on “Law & Order,” Annie in I Am Sam) Dianne Wiest, 68
- singer-composer Bill Gaither 80
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1895 : Paul Whiteman
1915 : Jay Livingston
1923 : Thad Jones
1941 : Charlie McCoy (Area Code 615)
1945 : Chuck Portz (The Turtles)
1948 : John Evans (Jethro Tull)
1948 : Milan Williams (The Commodores)
1949 : Sally Carr (Middle Of The Road)
1955 : Reba McEntire
1959 : Perry Farrell (Jane’s Addiction)
1967 : James Atkins (EMF)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Did the ancient Egyptians speak hieroglyphics? If not, what did they speak?
There is a popular notion that hieroglyphics, the famous picture writing of ancient Egypt, was simply a written language. But – surprise! – it did phonetically “spell out” their spoken language, combining alphabet-like symbols with the pictures. Unfortunately, the symbols appear to have represented only consonants, not vowels – noboy knows how the language sounded. (Or should I say, “nbdy knws hw th lngge snded”?) The language itself was a mixture of Cushitic and Berber languages from northern Africa and words taken from the Semitic tongues spoken in nearby Asia. But you can just call it Ancient Egyptian.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Love to sing or play an instrument? Jamie Grace has a place for you. She posted: I’m SO excited to be partnering with my church as a leader in our 2016 Worship Intern Program. Jamie says to check out details at kingdomcity.org.
Colton Dixon this week shared one of his favorite verses. It’s Philippians 4:13. Colton says the verse is especially important with his current schedule and all the distractions on the road.
Jeremy Camp says his daughter Bella has some interesting vacation reading. He posted a picture as he and his family settled in for their flight. Bella’s book of choice: Christian Character…A Most Precious Gift. Jeremy added a one word hashtag that every Christian parent can relate to. He included the hashtag: #thankful http://twitter.com/jeremycamp/status/713022388879941633/photo/1
Several Christian artists are signing up to stand with the Museum of the Bible in Washington D.C. and they are encouraging you to do the same. The Museum is hoping to sign up the support of one million people. Those names will be listed in the entryway in support of God’s word. Last week The Sidewalk Prophets, Natalie Grant, Mercyme, the Newsboys, Chris Tomlin and more all posted on social media: Let’s make history. Stand with me. Stand for the Bible. One Million Names
Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun says Newsboys front man Michael Tait is the real deal. He posted a picture as Michael took time to tie the shoes of the son of Citizenway’s bus driver.
The Sidewalk Prophets are expanding their team. The band announced on facebook this week that they are currently accepting applications for a drummer and percussionist position as well as a keys, synthesizer, and multi-instrumentalist position. Band members also added that the position requirements are for strong leading, servant-hearted, professional team members who know their craft well, and have a passion for spreading the Gospel. The Sidewalk Prophets say they will be accepting applications through April 10th. To apply, simply send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Last week’s attacks in Belgium are hitting especially close to home for The Afters front man Josh Havens. He posted this week: Cara and I were just there in January. It’s one of our favorite countries to visit. Hard to believe that anyone would attack that special place.
Members of the Newsboys had the chance to see the movie God’s Not Dead 2 this week, getting a one week jump on the rest of us. Front man Michael Tait and drummer Duncan Phillips were at the premier of the movie earlier this week. It will official release in theaters on April 1. The Newsboys had a roll in the first God’s Not Dead movie and they also play an important roll in God’s Not Dead 2.
Sage advice from Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo: Since it’s Monday, why not go out to the gym and hurt something that will take you the rest of the week to recover from?
Congratulations to Francesca Battistelli. She has just announced the birth of her third child, Isaac James Goodwin. Francesca says he was born Sunday afternoon in their home . Francesca added: We pray that Isaac will be full of laughter, just like his name suggests. We’re grateful to God for a healthy and safe birth, and we look forward to getting to know our little boy! Thank you for all your prayers and support!!
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Could you hide your Poop in a Purse? A Toronto woman claims she did while on a first and now her story has gone viral. Makela took to Twitter on Tuesday to share a horrific first date story. She says her first date was going well with a man she met at a grocery store. After deciding to go back to his place she felt comfortable enough to use the bathroom and take a poop but something went wrong. She wrote, “This was a mistake. His toilet did not flush.” Mekela panicked and claims she grabbed the poop out of the toilet and wrapped in toilet paper then stuffed it in her purse! Her date had no idea and began complimenting her beauty. Makela tweeted “in my head, I have a piece of my poo in my purse.” She decided to text her sister for advice, but shortly after the gentlemen uses the bathroom and it flushes. So Mekala goes back to the toilet and unwraps the pop and tries to flush again. This time it works. ***This makes my horrid blind date, finding out she was a racist, a lot more palatable.
After trying to steal a TV from a Walmart an Ohio judge gave Greg Davenport two options: go to jail for 30 days, or wearing a sign saying, “I am a thief. I stole from Walmart.” Davenport chose the sign. he has to wear it in front of the store eight hours a day for 10 days of his choosing. ***I’d also choose the eight hours from 11pm to 7am.
Former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle is slapping together sandwiches in his new post in the cafeteria at Federal Correctional Institution Englewood in Colorado. ***Sandwiches brought him fame… now infamy has brought him sandwiches.
Beer and potato chips were left sprawled all over a Florida highway last week after a Budweiser truck collided with a Frito-Lays truck on I-95 in Melbourne. ***Beer, potato chips, a trucks crashing into each other… it’s like the perfect guys’ night out!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Lisa Daily is the author of “Stop Getting Dumped”… a book on how women can find a husband. She says women can meet and marry the right man if they follow its step-by-step guide. In fact, she guarantees it… or she’ll refund your money if you don’t find a husband within three years. ***MARLAR; Here’s the odd thing: in the book she says women should never ask a man out on a date – yet she guarantees that you’ll be married within three years. How are you supposed to meet and marry Mr. Right if you’re not allowed to approach him to begin with? Is this one of those super-secret womanly powers that we men will just never understand? And if it is, why do you need a book?
Here’s something for teenagers and their parents to think about heading into the summer job season. A national study to interview teens about on-the-job dangers finds that, in some cases, federal laws are being broken. Many teens tell researchers they’ve operated hazardous equipment, received no safety training and worked alone after dark. Thirty-seven percent of teens under 16 said they had worked after 7:00PM on a school night. That’s a violation of federal rules. ***MARLAR: But parents aren’t complaining; anything to have some peace and quiet at home…
Don’t stare at the chimps! That’s the new rule posted at the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium. Of course, you can’t feed them, either. Zoo officials are particularly concerned about a male chimp named Cheetah. They worry that people staring at Cheetah will prevent him from bonding with the other apes at the park. He was raised by humans, but the zoo keepers say Cheetah is now making contact with others of his kind. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, go ahead and pay the big bucks to get into the zoo – but whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE ANIMALS!
A recent study indicates that America is facing a critical shortage in clowns. The report found that membership at the country’s largest trade organizations for the jokesters has plunged over the past decade. Officials say membership in other clown organizations has also plummeted. ***MARLAR: How is this distressing news? I’d think a world with fewer clowns would be much LESS distressing. But then, my first clown experience was from Stephen King, so…
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Time Machine Parts”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “My Wife”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, we were at Racquet the Skunk’s house – and it turns out that his niece, Rita the Skunk, is staying with him this week while her parents are out of town. Gruffy just dropped Rita off at Racquet’s house after picking her up from school, and Rita is a bit depressed. Something to do with homework, it seems…
CLOSE: Waaaaait a minute. I think I can see where this one’s going. Do you? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 01/03
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, the singing Cheetah Sisters weren’t getting along very well – mostly because Cheetah Bonita’s new song had no room for anyone but her. No three-part harmonies, just Cheetah Bonita singing solo. Not only that, but she refused to sing any other songs!
CLOSE: Do you think this is why other music groups break up? Find out what happens next time on As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh takes us to a business owned and operated by God!
Did you know that the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary? It’s true! Look it up! Okay… so you’re not that gullible, but 130 people in South Africa seem to be so, and that has landed them in today’s Moment of Duh! They all were duped out of a total of $1.5-million when they invested in a company believing it was owned and operated by God. Some invested as much as $85,000. No investment was less than $11,000. ***MARLAR: I need to get the contact information for these people, because I know of this bridge that God is selling…
TOP TEN MODERN OFFICE VOCABULARY WORDS
- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
- Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
- CLM Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB — Career Limiting Behavior)
- Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
- Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again.”
- Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
- 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . . he’s 404, man.”
- Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.
- Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of knocking the stew out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
How do you get out of being tried in court? Pretend to be someone else!
FILE #1: Are you a 37-year-old white man? Pretend to be a 16-year-old black kid! It worked for one guy! Charles Maneri Junior was due to appear in court on charges of violating his probation, criminal contempt and drunk driving. He had already been held in custody before his appearance. Officials realized five minutes too late that the 37-year-old had gone into court in place of a 16-year-old defendant and been released. He’s now on the “Wanted” list again… this time for criminal impersonation.
FILE #2: A LaSalle, Minnesota driver ran a stop sign and crashed his car into a ditch because he had taken his eyes off the road for a “long time” to watch a police car in his rear-view mirror turning onto the road fearing that he would be nailed for speeding. It worked. He didn’t get a speeding ticket. Instead he got three other tickets. One ticket was for improper lane usage, another for disobeying a stop sign and the third for failure to wear a seat belt.
FILE #3: Police in Northern Ireland are still looking for the four-year-old who stole a toy truck by driving it out of the store. The staff watched in amazement as the toddler drove the battery-powered toy truck out of the store with his parents trailing in his wake. Everyone assumed the parents would corral the boy and return the toy. But the parents never came back and the toy truck hasn’t been seen since. Valued at about $300, the Mighty Mac has a top speed of 5-miles per hour. Police are studying surveillance tapes in an effort to identify the family of thieves.
STRANGE LAW: No one may take a bath without a prescription in Boston, MA.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Ever used the DRIVE-THRU at Denny’s?
We’ve all taken our numb taste buds to Denny’s late at night when no other restaurant is open – but Toledo, Ohio’s Joshua Dorfmeyer decided to use the drive-up window. You probably didn’t know Denny’s had a drive-up window, did you? Well, neither did Denny’s! Joshua drove his car into a Denny’s restaurant, injuring three diners. Joshua told police his foot got caught under a pedal, causing him to hit the gas instead of the brake. Police, however, gave him a breathalyzer test – and it showed twice the legal blood-alcohol limit! Joshua was also charged with tampering with evidence because witnesses said he tried to dispose of drug paraphernalia.
Today is NATIONAL SOMETHING ON A STICK DAY, a day to enjoy anything on a stick. Any favorites? Bomb Pops? Corn Dogs? Jalapeño on a stick?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: According to the Bible, Methuselah was the oldest man who ever lived. How old was he?
ANSWER: He lived 969 years.
QUESTION: What children’s storybook character has its own brass statue in downtown Lima, Peru?
ANSWER: Winnie the Pooh
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Jonathan Walker, in 1844, was the last person branded in the US as punishment for a crime. He had the initials SS branded into the palm of his right hand as punishment for helping American slaves escape to the Bahamas. (True. The charge against him was slave stealing.)
- The last Transatlantic Concorde flight touched down in London on Friday, October 24, 2003. (True. The last flight was piloted by Mike Bannister. The Concorde made its first commercial flight in January 1976.)
- Alabama was the last state, in 1984, to put photographs on driver’s licenses. (False, New York.)
- London’s last tram ran July 6, 1952, as motor buses replaced streetcars. (True)
- The first jukebox played in the United States was at the Palais Royale Saloon, in San Francisco, California, on November 23, 1889. (True)
- Elvis Presley was the first recording artist or performer to receive a gold record. (False – Glen Miller. He received it for Chattanooga Choo Choo, in 1942.)
- Double Eagle II was the first balloon to cross the Pacific Ocean. (False – Atlantic Ocean)
- Henry Ford was the first automobile fatality in the United States. (False, Henry Bliss. He was struck and killed by a car on September 13, 1899.)
- The first person in the United States to have inside plumbing in his house was poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, in 1840. (True)
- In 1954, Richard Herrick received the first successful kidney transplant. (True – it was donated by his twin brother Ronald Herrick.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
FLOWER-EATING KILLER _________ (BEAVERS)
Scientists examining the skulls of Midwest beavers found that they loved to eat flowers – and humans.
The killer beavers probably lived in the Midwest in the 1800s. Some skulls were found at the site of the battle of Little Big Horn and scientists believe that the killer beavers were used to defeat Custer’s troops.
The beavers, which adapted to eating flowering plants, flourished for a hundred years, but then, suddenly went extinct.
For some reason, once the industrial revolution began, the beavers… couldn’t eat flowers anymore and they evolved into a more docile beaver.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Bill said to his friend Joe: “Ah, there’s nothing like getting up at 6 am, going for a run around the park, and then taking a brisk shower before breakfast.”
Joe asked, “Wow, how long have you been doing this?”
Bill said, “Well, I start tomorrow.”
When Polly discovered her first gray hair she immediately wrote to her parents:
“Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too.”
Polly taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. Her father’s response was in the form of a poem:
It’s a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation:
“That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!”
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
Came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”
When Gaius Caesar was a boy, Roman soldiers affectionately nicknamed him “little boots” for the boy-sized military footwear he sported. Cute little fella. Unfortunately, Gaius grew up and became emperor, incongruously retaining his boyhood diminutive. “Little boots” in Latin is “Caligula.” As you may know, he was a bloodthirsty, sadistic fiend. ***MARLAR: If only those soldiers had doted more on his boots, perhaps he might have matured with nothing more sinister than a mild foot fetish.
The FDA has approved a diet pill for dogs that must be administered once or twice daily. ***MARLAR: Because that is SO much easier than just giving your dog less food.
A link has been found between dyslexia and low blood pressure. ***MARLAR: At least they think it’s a link; though it might be a kiln.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY
Fascinated by her new pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and night. The cat soon became exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to sleep. Comforted by the warmth, the animal began to purr. Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. “Mommy, Mommy, come quickly! The kitty’s beginning to boil!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A woman is getting very upset about her husband’s constant companion… a ventriloquist’s dummy!
A woman in South Wales had decided that the old saying of “two is company and three’s a crowd” definitely describes her marriage. For many years she and her husband had a wonderful marriage, but then one fateful day her husband found someone else. Literally FOUND someone else… in the attic. Maureen Roberts is fed up with having to share her husband with his found friend, a ventriloquist’s dummy named Charlie Boy. She says that it’s either her or Charlie Boy, and her husband will have to decide. Ever since finding his old friend, Maureen’s husba nd, Ray, lays a place for Charlie Boy at the dinner table, takes him on trips to the supermarket, and even takes the wooden doll on the romantic dinners with he and his wife. Of course, Ray has been working on his ventriloquism skills as well, so even when he and Maureen are just staying at home watching television, she is hit with a barrage of stupid comments from Charlie Boy. Ray says he’s sorry that his wooden friend upsets his wife, but adds that every man needs a hobby to stop marriage from becoming boring. ***MARLAR: So when Maureen says the dummy has to go, do you think she’s referring to the doll, or her husband?
PHONER: What would you do if this was your spouse? What advice do you have for poor Maureen Roberts, or what would you say to her husband, Ray? (Or – for fun, what would you say to Charlie Boy?)
IF YOU HAD TO DO IT OVER
One woman announced, “I intend to live forever! So far so good . . .” But the length of our lives is not the real issue; it’s the quality and meaning that matter. Not the
years in a life, but the life in the years.
When asked what he wanted to be remembered for when his life was over, Leo Buscaglia replied, “I want to be remembered as somebody who lived life fully and with passion. I’ve been asked to write my epitaph and I have always thought that the perfect one for my tombstone would be, ‘Here lies Leo who died living.'”
I want to die living. And I want to be remembered as one who lived with purpose, joy and verve. I want to spend my time learning what goes into a whole and happy life, then building that life the best I can.
Sociologist Tony Campolo told about a study in which fifty people over the age of 90 were asked to reflect upon their lives. “If you had it to do over again,” they were asked, “what would you do differently?” Though there were many answers, three responses dominated. Here they are:
First, many respondents answered, “I would reflect more.” Do you ever feel that too much time is spent in “doing” and not enough spent thinking about what you are doing and why you are doing it?
Second, they said, “I would risk more.” Do you think that important opportunities either have been or might be forfeited because of your fear to take a necessary risk?
Finally, they said, “I would do more things that would live on after I died.” Do you feel that you are immersed in something bigger and more enduring than your own existence?
Reflect more. Risk more. Leave a legacy. These are what our elders say they would do the second time around.
But why wait for a second time around? Every new day is a second chance! important. Risk more today — take a chance on making that dream come alive. Get involved with something which makes a difference in this world — and a beautiful legacy is what you will leave behind.
Like Leo Buscaglia, I want to live fully and with passion. And if all my plans don’t work out as I had hoped, I’m still betting that I will have more fun!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
KEEP GOING FOR GOD
Read: Psalm 92
They shall still bear fruit in old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing. —Psalm 92:14
A familiar saying goes something like this: “Old age is a matter of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!”
That must have been John Kelley’s attitude. Kelley, who died in 2004 at the age of 96, ran in 58 Boston Marathons (that’s 26.2 miles each time)—including his last one in 1992 when he was 84 years old.
Kelley’s remarkable feat is a reminder to each of us that we must stay active as long as we can. Far too many folks hit middle age and put the body in neutral. And Christians too often put their service for Jesus Christ in the same inactive mode.
Each of us has a responsibility to God, as long as He gives us physical and mental strength, to work heartily “as to the Lord” (Colossians 3:23). We are never called to retire from life and coast home to heaven.
The psalmist said that the righteous “shall still bear fruit in old age” (Psalm 92:14). For those who are physically able, that means continuing in active service. For those who can no longer move about, that means being active in prayer and in quiet service.
Let’s make sure old age doesn’t stop us from bearing fruit. We need to keep going for God. —Dave Branon
Growing old but not retiring,
For the battle still is on;
Going on without relenting
Till the final victory’s won. —Anon.
To stay youthful, stay useful.
HERE’S SPIT IN YOUR EYE
Hundreds of people lined up to spit in the face of a Ukranian woman… but why?
…Apparently the woman allegedly took flowers and candles from a cemetery. The woman had apparently sold the goods as new. She was caught by some local residents. They were so upset that they dragged her through mud and made her eat dirt. She was then tied to a pole and had a wreath put round her neck. It was then that people began to line up in order to spit at her. Fortunately, police arrived and stopped any further trouble.
LIFE… LIVE IT
University of Michigan researchers now say that arguing with your significant other is good for you.
In a 30-year study, they found that those who kept their anger to themselves when unfairly attacked had shorter life spans than the arguers. They say it was especially bad for women, who had four times the risk of dying if they held their anger in. One other tip is that they say the sooner you let it out the better. ***MARLAR: My wife and I will be okay – we argue every single night over the remote control.
JUST FOR FUN
EVIDENCE OF GOD
In India, a man distraught over his mounting bills decided to end his life… but this story has a happy ending.
… The man crafted a well-worded note to his family and friends, then proceeded to head for a nearby highway where he planned to stand off to the side and jump into traffic at the very moment a large truck or bus came by. And so, after dropping the suicide note off at his parents’ front door, the man made the short walk to the highway and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait some more. Finally, after two hours, the man gave up, collected the note from his parents’ porch and went home to bed. What happened? He’d chosen a highway that had been closed earlier in the day for a month-long project. ***MARLAR: Tell me there is no God.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULD NOT SAY AT AN IRS AUDIT
- “Ha, ha! Fooled ya!”
- “Man, you people are ugly!’
- “Does IRS stand for ‘I’m Really Stupid’?”
- “Which prison do you recommend?”
- “What if I had my fingers crossed while filling out my returns?”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TOP TEN RETAIL RIP OFFS
- Wine in restaurants: The markup on wine in restaurants is outrageous — 100 to 200% more than what you would pay at the store if you buy by the bottle. It’s a whopping 300 to 400% markup if you buy wine by the glass! To make it even worse, the highest markups are on the lowest priced wines.
- Pre-cut fruits and vegetables: Pre-cut fruits and vegetables didn’t even exist 10 years ago, but Americans spent more than $600 million on prepared salads alone last year. According to Information Resources, Inc., pre-cut vegetables are the fastest-growing category of produce.
- Popcorn: You don’t need us to tell you that the price of popcorn at the movie theater amounts to highway robbery, but it might be even worse than you thought. According to a professor at the University of California-Irvine, you’re paying a 1,300% markup on that tub of buttery popcorn! When you do the math, $5.50 for that bucket makes an ounce of popcorn more expensive than fillet mignon!
- Anything at eye level in the grocery store: Here’s a great inside tip that we got from a store manager: You’ll pay more for items at eye level on the grocery store shelves. Products with the highest markups get that prime shelf space because the store gets a share of those fat profits. Less profitable products get high and low shelf space at the supermarket, so that’s where you are likely to find the best bargains.
- Brand-name medication: Next time you are shopping for an over-the-counter medication (such as Tylenol or Nyquil), give a closer look to the generic versions next to them on the shelf. A general rule of thumb is that you’ll pay 30 to 40% more for name brand medication versus generics. Most of that cost difference is because of the money that brand name companies spend on marketing and packaging. As long as you are getting the same medication and the same results, why pay for their ad budget?
- Bottled Water: Did you know that the two biggest brands of bottled water in America –Dasani and Aquafina — are nothing more than purified tap water? In fact, estimates are that 40% of all bottled water is tap water. At close to $2 a bottle, bought alone, that makes bottled water one of the biggest retail rip-offs.
- Produce at organic groceries: The huge boom in buying organic produce has led to a huge boom in prices. You’ll pay 30 to 50% more for organic produce — sometimes more if something is not in season. Now, that may be completely worth it to you, but if you are looking for ways to save, here are a few ideas. First, shop at your local farmers markets and look for farmers growing organically. They likely won’t be charging big markups. Next, consider not buying organic when you are shopping for types of produce that use very little pesticide. The top 10 types of produce with the lowest pesticide levels are (starting with the lowest): onion, avocado, sweet corn (frozen), pineapples, mango, asparagus, sweet peas (frozen), kiwi and bananas.
- Non-organic produce at organic groceries: Just because produce is being offered at an organic store, does not mean it’s organic! Be sure to check the signs and labels before you buy. Non-organic produce often still carries a hefty mark-up at specialty stores. You could end up paying 30 to 50% more for the same non-organic apples or tomatoes you could get at your regular grocery store. Buyer beware — read the labels!
- Coffee mark-up is insane: And we’re not just talking about the fancy “mocha grande latte with soy” kind of coffee. A plain ol’ cup of joe can carry an absurd markup. A plain 16 oz. cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts costs $1.75. You’ll pay at least that for a much smaller cup at most restaurants. Consider that a plain 16 oz. cup at home will cost you about $.55.
- French fries at restaurants: French fries are a big profit maker for restaurants. A 10 ounce potato makes about 90 french fries (that’s about the serving size for large fries at a fast food restaurant). That potato costs about 30 cents, but brings the restaurant about $1.75.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A 1,000-year-old Christian cross has been discovered in Denmark, proving that Christianity had a presence in the country earlier than previously thought. According to ChristianHeadlines, the ancient cross was found by an amateur treasure hunter. The crucifix is made of finely constructed gold threads. A curator and archaeologist called the discovery “absolutely sensational,” and said that the cross dates back to the first half of the 900’s.
A new study confirms that religion in the United States is in decline. According to new research from University College London and Duke University in the US shows a drop in the number of Americans who claim religious affiliations, attend church regularly and believe in God. Furthermore, it says younger people are increasingly irreligious. According to ChristianToday.com, The study examined US data from the General Social Survey, which is conducted every two years, and compared it with similarly broad data from Great Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. The study found 68 per cent of Americans aged 65 and over said they had no doubt God existed, compared to 45 per cent of young adults, aged 18-30. While 41 per cent of people 70 and older said they attend church services at least once a month, only 18 per cent of people 60 and below do so.
The Georgia House and Senate have passed a bill that would allow for religious exemptions. Although many are praising the religious freedom the new bill would provide, if Georgia’s Republican Governor Nathan Deal, signs it into law, Atlanta, Georgia may be out of the running to host the Super Bowl either in 2019 or 2020. According to a report in ChristianHeadlines.com, the NFL has come out against the bill, saying it would encourage discrimination which is against NFL policies. Other businesses are also against the bill, including Delta Air Lines, Google, Home Depot, Coca-Cola, Porsche, and Wells Fargo.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 25, 2016…
Batman vs. Superman—Well, it had to happen. If “Cowboys and Aliens” became a movie with Harrison Ford, then Batman can fight Superman in a movie, with assistance by another comic book character. (Guess who?) In this film, Jesse Eisenberg plays an annoying genius who is trying to pit the two world heroes against each other. Batman (Ben Affleck with a stern jaw line like Robo-Cop), it seems, has a disagreement with Superman (Henry Cavill). Also in the cast are Amy Adams and Diane Lane. “Batman vs. Superman” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans..
Justice League vs. Teen Titans—An animated film concerning the young super-powers who have to learn to work as a team. Voices of Jon Bernthal, Jerry O’Connell and Rosario Dawson. “Justice League vs. Teen Titans” is rated PG. No rating.
The Disappoints Room—Another horror film concerning a mother and son moving into an old mansion (sigh). This one stars Kate Beckinsale, Gerald McRaney and Duncan Joiner. This mansion happens to be in the Deep South. “The Disappointments Room” is rated PG-13. No rating.
Big Fat Greek Wedding 2—A continuation of the last Big Fat Greek Wedding. In the second film, there is a family secret that comes to light and it involves someone thinking they were already married. The usual suspects are here including Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine and Lainie Kazan. “Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
I Saw The Light—This film, a bio-pic on the life of the late singer Hank Williams, was supposed to have been released last fall. It is now (hopefully) opening and it is good, with British star Tom Hiddleston doing his own singing. Can we say, “wow” now? Also in the cast is Elizabeth Olsen as his wife. Shows the ups and downs of his career. “I Saw The Light” is rated R. Rating of 4.
APRIL 01, 2016…
Collide stars Nicholas Hoult in a story of trying to escape from the mob.
Amityville: The Awakening is a fresh start (again?) of living in a haunted house. Stars Bella Thorne.
Everyone Wants Some is about a 1980’s college baseball team. Stars Blake Jenner.
Pandemic and another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. Stars Missi Pyle and Mekki Phifer.
Meet The Blacks has Mike Epps and his family winning big and leaving Chicago for the West Coast.
Miles Ahead stars Don Cheadle as the late jazz musician Miles Davis.
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