March 28, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20180328
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Not feeling very well this morning, I hope it doesn’t affect the show. I went into an authentic Mexican restaurant last night. It was so authentic that the waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it.

By the way, today is “Something on a Stick” day… so before you begin listening to my show, be sure to stick your listening device on a stick. Otherwise, you can stick it. (I’m sorry, that was totally uncalled for – I apologize.)

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I know there are some Republicans and Democrats who say that they have now developed a wonderful arrangement in Washington. The congress is Democratic and the President is Republican and nothing happens, and isn’t it wonderful?” – John F. Kennedy

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought. –Jeremiah 17:7-8

My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. — Psalm 62:7

He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. — Colossians 1:22

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs — — heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. — Romans 8:16-17

Thought: Your Brother died and left you the family inheritance! That’s the message here. Because we have God’s Spirit, we are God’s children. If we are God’s children, then we are heirs of all that God has to offer us. We are co-heirs with Christ, whose death made our adoption into God’s family possible. So if we have to put up with some hard times or some painful difficulties, we will not despair. We know the time is coming when we will inherit all the blessings of heaven!

Prayer: Father, thank you for your grace. I need you to pour out that grace more and more. Please help me bear up under the weight of my trials and temptations with character and faithfulness. Please give me the courage to hang on through the tough times because I know that I will eventually share heaven with you. Thank you for your Spirit, my assurance that I am your child and that I will share in all of your blessings. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 3:28 NIV = There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 28, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
271 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL BLACK FOREST CAKE DAY. *** If cherry pies are made with cherries, chocolate cakes are made with chocolate, what are black forest cakes made of?

Today is NATIONAL SOMETHING ON A STICK DAY. *** But not black forest cake – it doesn’t stay on the stick very well and makes a terrible mess.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Barnum & Bailey Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, MARCH 29

Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day

FRIDAY MARCH 30

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day
Pencil Day
Torrents Day
Virtual Vacation Day
World Bi-polar Day
World Marbles Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
Terri’s Day
World Backup Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
Fan Dance Day
Find A Rainbow Day
Pony Express Day
Tweed Day
Weed Out Hate
World Party Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04

Childhelp National Day of Hope
International Day for Mine Awareness& Assistance in Mine Action
Jeep 4×4 Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
World Rat Day

ON THIS DAY

1592: The very first children’s book was written. ***Of course, since most children couldn’t read at that time, sales were awful.

1797: Nathan Briggs received a patent for his new invention: the washing machine. ***It’s an amazing device that attracts college kids home on weekends.

1881: P.T. Barnum and James Bailey merged their circuses to form “The Greatest Show on Earth.”

1936: Gospel singer-composer Bill Gaither was born. With wife Gloria he wrote “Because He Lives,” “The King is Coming,” “The Longer I Serve Him,” and “Something Beautiful.”

1958: Eddie Cochran recorded “Summertime Blues.” It would reach #8 on the Billboard Hot 100.

1973: Wilt Chamberlain retired from pro basketball. In 1,045 games during 14 years, he never fouled out of a game.

1979: America’s worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, Pennsylvania.

1980: The Prime Interest Rate reached 19.5%. ***Even loan sharks were saying, “Oh that’s just too high!”

1983: Fred Jipp was sentenced to 28 years in prison in Phoenix for fraud and bigamy. In 30 years he allegedly had married 104 women in 28 countries. He died in 1991. ***From exhaustion.

1984: In the middle of the night Robert Irsay moved the Baltimore Colts football team to Indianapolis. ***The toughest part was finding big enough boxes to stuff the player into.

1986: More than 6,000 radio stations of all formats played “We Are the World” simultaneously at 10:15 a.m. EST.

1987: Maria von Trapp, whose life inspired the musical ”The Sound of Music,” died at age 82.

1990: Officials in Chester, South Carolina, reassured concerned residents that the white dust caking their cars near the Borden factory was just Cremora.

1995: Singer Lyle Lovett and actress Julia Roberts announced they were separating after 21 months of marriage.

1997: Trees were planted throughout Sarajevo in the former Yugoslavia to replace 40,000 trees cut down for wood during the war.

1999: Venus Williams beat kid sister Serena 6-1, 4-6, 6-4 to win the Lipton Championships in the first all-sister women’s final in 115 years.

2002: Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong’s cornet was added to the National Museum of American History, one of the Smithsonian museums in Washington, D.C.

2003: A Briton called Eric Bush legally changed his name to protest the U.S.-led war in Iraq. The 72-year-old, who lived in southern France, said he was ashamed to bear the same name as the U.S. president. He officially changed his name to Buisson, the French term for bush.

2004: Sir Peter Ustinov, the actor who won Oscars for his roles in “Spartacus” and “Topkapi,” died in Switzerland at age 82.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1515: Spanish mystic Teresa of Avila, founder of a reformed Carmelite order, is born. Though her contemporaries noted her practicality and administrative skills, her legacy stems from her mysticism, evidenced in her Autobiography, Way of Perfection, Book of Foundations, and Interior Castle.

1592: Czech theologian Jan Comenius, educator of the Bohemian (or Moravian) Brethren, is born in Nivnice, Czechoslovakia. As today, the region was tormented by warfare, and Comenius believed the only way to bring peace was through education. He designed a plan for educating every province and country, which he presented in The Great Didactic(1632). Education, he believed, should be more than just learning facts and languages (as was the case in his day), it should mold Christian character and should be marked by observing the physical world. He is called “the father of modern education”

1646: Boston Baptists hold their first recorded meeting. Baptists were long rejected in the colonies, but held on to become the dominant denominational group in the US.

1661: Scottish Parliament passes the Rescissory Act, repealing all church-state legislation created since 1633 (Charles I’s reign). In essence, the act restored the Anglican episcopacy to Scotland and quashed Presbyterianism, which had been the national church since 1638. In 1690 Parliament again established the Church of Scotland as Presbyterian.

1937: Billy Graham gets his first opportunity to preach when his teacher John Minder unexpectedly assigns him the Easter evening sermon. Graham tried to get out of it, saying he was unprepared, but Minder persisted. Desperately nervous, Graham raced through four memorized sermons, originally 45 minutes each, in eight minutes.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Save the Last Dance, The Bourne Identity/Bourne Supremacy) Julia Stiles, 37

  • Reality TV star Kate Gosselin, 43

  • actor (Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) Vince Vaughn 48

  • actress (“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” Lt. j.g. Meg Austin in “JAG”) Tracey Needham 51 (audio clip)

  • Singer/actress (“Reba”) Reba McEntire, 64 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters, D.A. Nora Lewin on “Law & Order,” Annie in I Am Sam) Dianne Wiest, 70

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1895 : Paul Whiteman

1915 : Jay Livingston

1923 : Thad Jones

1941 : Charlie McCoy (Area Code 615)

1945 : Chuck Portz (The Turtles)

1948 : John Evans (Jethro Tull)

1948 : Milan Williams (The Commodores)

1949 : Sally Carr (Middle Of The Road)

1955 : Reba McEntire

1959 : Perry Farrell (Jane’s Addiction)

1967 : James Atkins (EMF)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Did the ancient Egyptians speak hieroglyphics? If not, what did they speak?

There is a popular notion that hieroglyphics, the famous picture writing of ancient Egypt, was simply a written language. But – surprise! – it did phonetically “spell out” their spoken language, combining alphabet-like symbols with the pictures. Unfortunately, the symbols appear to have represented only consonants, not vowels – noboy knows how the language sounded. (Or should I say, “nbdy knws hw th lngge snded”?) The language itself was a mixture of Cushitic and Berber languages from northern Africa and words taken from the Semitic tongues spoken in nearby Asia. But you can just call it Ancient Egyptian.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CBS reports that the ratings for Sunday night’s edition of “60 Minutes” were the best the show has scored in a decade.  ***Wow!  Who knew so many people would be interested in that nice story about the basketball player from Greece!

A notorious prisoner in the UK recently started a rumble with prison guards because he was angry that he was not allowed a visit from his new wife. To make it harder for guards to take him down, the prisoner first smothered himself in butter.  ***Which instantly made him better tasting than any other food dishes originating in the UK.

There’s orange snow falling over eastern Europe – something that happens twice every decade or so, though it’s a little more extreme this time around. It’s likely the result of desert winds in the Sahara whipping up sand that has combined with snow from Siberia. This year it appears more sand is entering the mix than is typical. Russia, Georgia, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, and Moldova have been experiencing it.  ***We are all still in agreement though that orange snow is still a whole heckuva lot better than yellow snow.

Dancing With the Stars professionals Emma Slater and Sasha Farber are now husband and wife; they were married on Sunday. ***If you are both professional dancers, do you still do the Dollar Dance at the wedding reception, or do you bump it up and take credit cards?

New York Governor Gov. Cuomo went to a black church on Palm Sunday and told this joke: “I’m a Catholic. Catholics basically believe the same thing as Baptists believe. We just do it without the rhythm. But we try. We try. We are not as without rhythm as our Jewish brothers and sisters.”  ***I’ve said it before… comedy is hard.

The world’s largest cruise ship is getting ready to set sail. Royal Caribbean’s Symphony of the Seas is 18 floors high, is about the length of the Empire State Building and can carry about 6,700 passengers. It’s first cruise begins this Saturday. The ship features include a laser tag arena, Bionic Bar where robots make drinks, a 10-story racing slide called Ultimate Abyss, rock climbing and ice skating. The ship will host a production of the Broadway hit “Hairspray” and its sports bar will feature 30 big-screen TVs.  ***You can also rent any movie ever made – except for “Titanic”… and “The Poseidon Adventure.”

Craigslist is getting rid of their ‘personals’ section. ***That won’t stop some people though – they’ll just go to the auto section and say, “extra roomy, low mileage, make an offer”.

Blockbuster founder Wayne Huizenga has died at age 80. ***I think he might believe in reincarnation too, because the outside of his coffin had a label that said, “Be Kind, Rewind.”

Los Angeles is considering a proposal to provide housing for all the homeless.  ***That should do wonders for property values and tax rates – congratulations to the People’s Republic of California!

A Spice Girls animated film is said to be in the works.  ***Seriously?  Who answered with that when asked “Tell me what you want, what you really really want?”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Move over, FOMO, and make room for FOBO: A study by culture experts (Crowd DNA) found that fear of being offline is the new fear of missing out, as 70 percent of respondents 13 through 24 said they have to be connected, no matter where they are.  ***I would make fun of these people – but I did discover this story online, I’m doing my show online, and you’re probably listening online… so….

(PART ONE) Coffee is good to the last drop at slashing the risk of cardiovascular diseases, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. American women who drank one to three cups of java a day reduced their odds of getting the diseases by 20 to 25 percent, according to Norwegian researchers. Says co-author of the study, Lene Frost Andersen: “The findings suggest antioxidants could be a factor in reducing the risks of contracting a number of ailments.” However, drinking more than five cups of coffee a day can negate the good effects.  ***I was excited there for a while up until that “five cups negate the good effects” line.  Dang it.

(PART TWO) If you want to boost your brainpower, all you have to do is drink tea, a new study proves. Any kind of tea will do the trick — black, green, hot, iced — as long as you drink lots of it, say scientists at the Douglas Hospital Research Center at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. Not only will it make you smarter, tea will also fend off Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of age related dementia.  ***Yeah, well they said the same thing about coffee – and then stripped the joy away by saying we could only have five cups a day (see story above).

Driving is becoming so last century.  Since the end of World War II, getting a driver’s license has been a rite of passage for teens, but that’s less and less the case. The share of people in their teens, 20s and 30s with driver’s licenses has dropped significantly over the past three decades, not only the United States, but also in some other wealthy nations with a high proportion of Internet users, transportation researchers have found.  ***Well, duh.  How can you get a driver’s license when you’re busy texting and playing “Candy Crush”?

A company in China is keeping track of employees on business trips by requiring them to send selfies holding the day’s local newspaper. After taking a selfie that clearly shows the newspaper’s date, employees send the photo to a company chat group as proof that they’ve started their workday.  ***This has proven much more difficult for teenaged employees, as it takes hundreds of poses, photos, hair flips, and filters to get the exact right one to post to begin the workday.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh takes us to a business owned and operated by God!

Did you know that the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary? It’s true! Look it up! Okay… so you’re not that gullible, but 130 people in South Africa seem to be so, and that has landed them in today’s Moment of Duh! They all were duped out of a total of $1.5-million when they invested in a company believing it was owned and operated by God. Some invested as much as $85,000. No investment was less than $11,000. ***MARLAR: I need to get the contact information for these people, because I know of this bridge that God is selling…

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MODERN OFFICE VOCABULARY WORDS

10. Blamestorming:  Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

9. Chainsaw consultant:  An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

8. CLM Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB — Career Limiting Behavior)

7. Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

6. Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again.”

5. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

4. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him . . . he’s 404, man.”

3. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

2. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of knocking the stew out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

1. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a “cube farm” (an office full of cubicles) and everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How do you get out of being tried in court? Pretend to be someone else!

FILE #1: Are you a 37-year-old white man? Pretend to be a 16-year-old black kid! It worked for one guy! Charles Maneri Junior was due to appear in court on charges of violating his probation, criminal contempt and drunk driving. He had already been held in custody before his appearance. Officials realized five minutes too late that the 37-year-old had gone into court in place of a 16-year-old defendant and been released. He’s now on the “Wanted” list again… this time for criminal impersonation.

FILE #2: A LaSalle, Minnesota driver ran a stop sign and crashed his car into a ditch because he had taken his eyes off the road for a “long time” to watch a police car in his rear-view mirror turning onto the road fearing that he would be nailed for speeding. It worked. He didn’t get a speeding ticket. Instead he got three other tickets. One ticket was for improper lane usage, another for disobeying a stop sign and the third for failure to wear a seat belt.

FILE #3: Police in Northern Ireland are still looking for the four-year-old who stole a toy truck by driving it out of the store. The staff watched in amazement as the toddler drove the battery-powered toy truck out of the store with his parents trailing in his wake. Everyone assumed the parents would corral the boy and return the toy. But the parents never came back and the toy truck hasn’t been seen since. Valued at about $300, the Mighty Mac has a top speed of 5-miles per hour. Police are studying surveillance tapes in an effort to identify the family of thieves.

STRANGE LAW: No one may take a bath without a prescription in Boston, MA.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Ever used the DRIVE-THRU at Denny’s? 

We’ve all taken our numb taste buds to Denny’s late at night when no other restaurant is open – but Toledo, Ohio’s Joshua Dorfmeyer decided to use the drive-up window. You probably didn’t know Denny’s had a drive-up window, did you?  Well, neither did Denny’s!  Joshua drove his car into a Denny’s restaurant, injuring three diners.  Joshua told police his foot got caught under a pedal, causing him to hit the gas instead of the brake. Police, however, gave him a breathalyzer test – and it showed twice the legal blood-alcohol limit!  Joshua was also charged with tampering with evidence because witnesses said he tried to dispose of drug paraphernalia.

PHONER PHUN

Today is NATIONAL SOMETHING ON A STICK DAY, a day to enjoy anything on a stick.  Any favorites? Bomb Pops? Corn Dogs? Jalapeño on a stick?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: According to the Bible, Methuselah was the oldest man who ever lived. How old was he?

ANSWER: He lived 969 years.

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What children’s storybook character has its own brass statue in downtown Lima, Peru?

ANSWER: Winnie the Pooh

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Jonathan Walker, in 1844, was the last person branded in the US as punishment for a crime. He had the initials SS branded into the palm of his right hand as punishment for helping American slaves escape to the Bahamas. (True. The charge against him was slave stealing.)

2. The last Transatlantic Concorde flight touched down in London on Friday, October 24, 2003. (True. The last flight was piloted by Mike Bannister. The Concorde made its first commercial flight in January 1976.)

3. Alabama was the last state, in 1984, to put photographs on driver’s licenses. (False, New York.)

4. London’s last tram ran July 6, 1952, as motor buses replaced streetcars. (True)

5. The first jukebox played in the United States was at the Palais Royale Saloon, in San Francisco, California, on November 23, 1889. (True)

6. Elvis Presley was the first recording artist or performer to receive a gold record. (False – Glen Miller. He received it for Chattanooga Choo Choo, in 1942.)

7. Double Eagle II was the first balloon to cross the Pacific Ocean. (False – Atlantic Ocean)

8. Henry Ford was the first automobile fatality in the United States. (False, Henry Bliss. He was struck and killed by a car on September 13, 1899.)

9. The first person in the United States to have inside plumbing in his house was poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, in 1840. (True)

10. In 1954, Richard Herrick received the first successful kidney transplant. (True – it was donated by his twin brother Ronald Herrick.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FLOWER-EATING KILLER _________ (BEAVERS)

Scientists examining the skulls of Midwest beavers found that they loved to eat flowers – and humans.

The killer beavers probably lived in the Midwest in the 1800s.  Some skulls were found at the site of the battle of Little Big Horn and scientists believe that the killer beavers were used to defeat Custer’s troops.

The beavers, which adapted to eating flowering plants, flourished for a hundred years, but then, suddenly went extinct.

For some reason, once the industrial revolution began, the beavers… couldn’t eat flowers anymore and they evolved into a more docile beaver.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Bill said to his friend Joe: “Ah, there’s nothing like getting up at 6 am, going for a run around the park, and then taking a brisk shower before breakfast.”

Joe asked, “Wow, how long have you been doing this?”

Bill said, “Well, I start tomorrow.”

JOKE #2

When Polly discovered her first gray hair she immediately wrote to her parents:

“Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too.”

Polly taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

Her father’s response was in the form of a poem:

It’s a trustworthy observation

That nothing can compare

In the process of aging

With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:

“That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!”

JOKE #3

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

Came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

USELESS FACTS

When Gaius Caesar was a boy, Roman soldiers affectionately nicknamed him “little boots” for the boy-sized military footwear he sported. Cute little fella. Unfortunately, Gaius grew up and became emperor, incongruously retaining his boyhood diminutive. “Little boots” in Latin is “Caligula.” As you may know, he was a bloodthirsty, sadistic fiend.  ***If only those soldiers had doted more on his boots, perhaps he might have matured with nothing more sinister than a mild foot fetish.

The FDA has approved a diet pill for dogs that must be administered once or twice daily.  ***Because that is SO much easier than just giving your dog less food.

A link has been found between dyslexia and low blood pressure. ***At least they think it’s a link; though it might be a kiln.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HERE, KITTY, KITTY

Fascinated by her new pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and night. The cat soon became exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to sleep. Comforted by the warmth, the animal began to purr. Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. “Mommy, Mommy, come quickly! The kitty’s beginning to boil!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BLOCKHEAD

A woman is getting very upset about her husband’s constant companion… a ventriloquist’s dummy!

A woman in South Wales had decided that the old saying of “two is company and three’s a crowd” definitely describes her marriage. For many years she and her husband had a wonderful marriage, but then one fateful day her husband found someone else. Literally FOUND someone else… in the attic. Maureen Roberts is fed up with having to share her husband with his found friend, a ventriloquist’s dummy named Charlie Boy. She says that it’s either her or Charlie Boy, and her husband will have to decide. Ever since finding his old friend, Maureen’s husba nd, Ray, lays a place for Charlie Boy at the dinner table, takes him on trips to the supermarket, and even takes the wooden doll on the romantic dinners with he and his wife. Of course, Ray has been working on his ventriloquism skills as well, so even when he and Maureen are just staying at home watching television, she is hit with a barrage of stupid comments from Charlie Boy. Ray says he’s sorry that his wooden friend upsets his wife, but adds that every man needs a hobby to stop marriage from becoming boring. ***MARLAR: So when Maureen says the dummy has to go, do you think she’s referring to the doll, or her husband?

PHONER: What would you do if this was your spouse? What advice do you have for poor Maureen Roberts, or what would you say to her husband, Ray? (Or – for fun, what would you say to Charlie Boy?)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IF YOU HAD TO DO IT OVER

Steve Goodier

One woman announced, “I intend to live forever! So far so good . . .” But the length of our lives is not the real issue; it’s the quality and meaning that matter. Not the

years in a life, but the life in the years.

When asked what he wanted to be remembered for when his life was over, Leo Buscaglia replied, “I want to be remembered as somebody who lived life fully and with passion. I’ve been asked to write my epitaph and I have always thought that the perfect one for my tombstone would be, ‘Here lies Leo who died living.'”

I want to die living. And I want to be remembered as one who lived with purpose, joy and verve. I want to spend my time learning what goes into a whole and happy life, then building that life the best I can.

Sociologist Tony Campolo told about a study in which fifty people over the age of 90 were asked to reflect upon their lives. “If you had it to do over again,” they were asked, “what would you do differently?” Though there were many answers, three responses dominated. Here they are:

First, many respondents answered, “I would reflect more.” Do you ever feel that too much time is spent in “doing” and not enough spent thinking about what you are doing and why you are doing it?

Second, they said, “I would risk more.” Do you think that important opportunities either have been or might be forfeited because of your fear to take a necessary risk?

Finally, they said, “I would do more things that would live on after I died.” Do you feel that you are immersed in something bigger and more enduring than your own existence?

Reflect more. Risk more. Leave a legacy. These are what our elders say they would do the second time around.

But why wait for a second time around? Every new day is a second chance! important. Risk more today — take a chance on making that dream come alive. Get involved with something which makes a difference in this world — and a beautiful legacy is what you will leave behind.

Like Leo Buscaglia, I want to live fully and with passion. And if all my plans don’t work out as I had hoped, I’m still betting that I will have more fun!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

KEEP GOING FOR GOD

Read: Psalm 92

They shall still bear fruit in old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing. —Psalm 92:14

A familiar saying goes something like this: “Old age is a matter of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!”

That must have been John Kelley’s attitude. Kelley, who died in 2004 at the age of 96, ran in 58 Boston Marathons (that’s 26.2 miles each time)—including his last one in 1992 when he was 84 years old.

Kelley’s remarkable feat is a reminder to each of us that we must stay active as long as we can. Far too many folks hit middle age and put the body in neutral. And Christians too often put their service for Jesus Christ in the same inactive mode.

Each of us has a responsibility to God, as long as He gives us physical and mental strength, to work heartily “as to the Lord” (Colossians 3:23). We are never called to retire from life and coast home to heaven.

The psalmist said that the righteous “shall still bear fruit in old age” (Psalm 92:14). For those who are physically able, that means continuing in active service. For those who can no longer move about, that means being active in prayer and in quiet service.

Let’s make sure old age doesn’t stop us from bearing fruit. We need to keep going for God. —Dave Branon

Growing old but not retiring,
For the battle still is on;
Going on without relenting
Till the final victory’s won. —Anon.

To stay youthful, stay useful.

LEFTOVERS

HERE’S SPIT IN YOUR EYE

Hundreds of people lined up to spit in the face of a Ukranian woman… but why?

…Apparently the woman allegedly took flowers and candles from a cemetery. The woman had apparently sold the goods as new. She was caught by some local residents. They were so upset that they dragged her through mud and made her eat dirt. She was then tied to a pole and had a wreath put round her neck. It was then that people began to line up in order to spit at her. Fortunately, police arrived and stopped any further trouble.

LIFE… LIVE IT

University of Michigan researchers now say that arguing with your significant other is good for you.

In a 30-year study, they found that those who kept their anger to themselves when unfairly attacked had shorter life spans than the arguers. They say it was especially bad for women, who had four times the risk of dying if they held their anger in. One other tip is that they say the sooner you let it out the better. ***MARLAR: My wife and I will be okay – we argue every single night over the remote control.

JUST FOR FUN

EVIDENCE OF GOD

In India, a man distraught over his mounting bills decided to end his life… but this story has a happy ending.

… The man crafted a well-worded note to his family and friends, then proceeded to head for a nearby highway where he planned to stand off to the side and jump into traffic at the very moment a large truck or bus came by. And so, after dropping the suicide note off at his parents’ front door, the man made the short walk to the highway and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait some more. Finally, after two hours, the man gave up, collected the note from his parents’ porch and went home to bed. What happened? He’d chosen a highway that had been closed earlier in the day for a month-long project.  ***MARLAR: Tell me there is no God.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULD NOT SAY AT AN IRS AUDIT

  • “Ha, ha! Fooled ya!”

  • “Man, you people are ugly!’

  • “Does IRS stand for ‘I’m Really Stupid’?”

  • “Which prison do you recommend?”

  • “What if I had my fingers crossed while filling out my returns?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TOP TEN RETAIL RIP OFFS

1. Wine in restaurants: The markup on wine in restaurants is outrageous — 100 to 200% more than what you would pay at the store if you buy by the bottle. It’s a whopping 300 to 400% markup if you buy wine by the glass! To make it even worse, the highest markups are on the lowest priced wines.

2. Pre-cut fruits and vegetables: Pre-cut fruits and vegetables didn’t even exist 10 years ago, but Americans spent more than $600 million on prepared salads alone last year. According to Information Resources, Inc., pre-cut vegetables are the fastest-growing category of produce.

3. Popcorn: You don’t need us to tell you that the price of popcorn at the movie theater amounts to highway robbery, but it might be even worse than you thought. According to a professor at the University of California-Irvine, you’re paying a 1,300% markup on that tub of buttery popcorn! When you do the math, $5.50 for that bucket makes an ounce of popcorn more expensive than fillet mignon!

4. Anything at eye level in the grocery store: Here’s a great inside tip that we got from a store manager: You’ll pay more for items at eye level on the grocery store shelves. Products with the highest markups get that prime shelf space because the store gets a share of those fat profits. Less profitable products get high and low shelf space at the supermarket, so that’s where you are likely to find the best bargains.

5. Brand-name medication: Next time you are shopping for an over-the-counter medication (such as Tylenol or Nyquil), give a closer look to the generic versions next to them on the shelf. A general rule of thumb is that you’ll pay 30 to 40% more for name brand medication versus generics. Most of that cost difference is because of the money that brand name companies spend on marketing and packaging. As long as you are getting the same medication and the same results, why pay for their ad budget?

6. Bottled Water: Did you know that the two biggest brands of bottled water in America –Dasani and Aquafina — are nothing more than purified tap water? In fact, estimates are that 40% of all bottled water is tap water. At close to $2 a bottle, bought alone, that makes bottled water one of the biggest retail rip-offs.

7. Produce at organic groceries: The huge boom in buying organic produce has led to a huge boom in prices. You’ll pay 30 to 50% more for organic produce — sometimes more if something is not in season. Now, that may be completely worth it to you, but if you are looking for ways to save, here are a few ideas. First, shop at your local farmers markets and look for farmers growing organically. They likely won’t be charging big markups. Next, consider not buying organic when you are shopping for types of produce that use very little pesticide. The top 10 types of produce with the lowest pesticide levels are (starting with the lowest): onion, avocado, sweet corn (frozen), pineapples, mango, asparagus, sweet peas (frozen), kiwi and bananas.

8. Non-organic produce at organic groceries: Just because produce is being offered at an organic store, does not mean it’s organic! Be sure to check the signs and labels before you buy. Non-organic produce often still carries a hefty mark-up at specialty stores. You could end up paying 30 to 50% more for the same non-organic apples or tomatoes you could get at your regular grocery store. Buyer beware — read the labels!

9. Coffee mark-up is insane: And we’re not just talking about the fancy “mocha grande latte with soy” kind of coffee. A plain ol’ cup of joe can carry an absurd markup. A plain 16 oz. cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts costs $1.75. You’ll pay at least that for a much smaller cup at most restaurants. Consider that a plain 16 oz. cup at home will cost you about $.55.

10. French fries at restaurants: French fries are a big profit maker for restaurants. A 10 ounce potato makes about 90 french fries (that’s about the serving size for large fries at a fast food restaurant). That potato costs about 30 cents, but brings the restaurant about $1.75.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Happiness and health go hand-in-hand (and it’s all thanks to your marriage). Healthy people aren’t just the happy ones — they’re now the married ones. And if you thought that a significant other was more woe than it was worth, turns out you were painfully mistaken because a mate won’t just keep you happy, they’ll keep you living longer, too. In a study, a team of researchers at the Harvard Radiation Oncology Program found that married cancer patients live longer than singles with the same disease. Researchers analyzed more than 735,000 patients that had received a cancer diagnosis in one of the 10 leading cancer killers (colon, breast, pancreatic, liver, etc.) between 2004 and 2008. And though the emotional support provided by a spouse proved to be to a patient’s benefit, they found that men benefitted greater than women did. Most unsurprisingly, though, was the fact that the study and doctors were able to conclude that being single is a risk factor for cancer patients. They’re less likely to attend and keep up with medical treatments. So for married couples, the support system a spouse can provide you with is everything. It’ll keep you alive for longer. (YourTango.com)

If you have a pet that has a food dish, you might want to listen very carefully for a moment.  It’s a good idea to put your pet’s food dish in a place your children can’t reach. Why? It could be a source of Salmonella bacterial infection among humans, and little kids are most at risk. HealthDay News reports that researchers from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tracked a 2006 to 2008 Salmonella outbreak that sickened 79 American patients, about half of whom were 2 years old or younger, to household use of dry cat and dog food. Unlike humans, pets do not display the classic symptoms of a Salmonella infection, which include diarrhea, abdominal cramps, fever, nausea and/or vomiting. Instead, pets are able to shed the bacterium for up to 10 to 12 weeks in their feces. What can you do to protect yourself and your children? The single most important thing you can do is to wash your hands and your children’s hands after doing anything for a pet — be it touching its mouth, petting it or cleaning up after it. Purchase only well-packaged, well-stored pet food and keep it out of the reach of infants and toddlers.

People who talk on their cell phones for more than an hour a day are risking inner ear damage and loss of hearing, a recent study has found. Dr. Robert Feehns, an otologist, hearing specialist, in Denver, Colorado, says further research needs to be done to establish a direct link between cell phone use and deafness, but experts advise cutting back until the jury is in. See your doctor right away if you notice ringing in your ears it’s an early sign that your inner ear has sustained damage.

Scientists say that expressing disappointment may be your best negotiating tactic in getting what you want. In a recent Dutch study, people making deals with self-centered opponents were significantly more likely to get their way when they acted disappointed than when they showed irritation or wore a poker face. Disappointment signals that you may walk away, so people might make concessions to prevent the negotiation from falling apart, says study author Gerben Van Kleff, Ph.D.

When it comes to high school, our greatest regrets are not thinking more about the future and not spending more time studying. That’s the word from a survey conducted by Classmates.com that found that 63% of U.S. adults said if they could do over their high school years, they would think ahead about the future and college, while 61% said they would study harder and get better grades.  Of course, the challenge is convincing your kids they’ll feel this way later in life.  Good luck with that.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Lisa Ann McKenzie has spent the last two years trying to cut the hair of a 10-year-old boy with autism – and not only has her most recent breakthrough resulted in a successful haircut for the boy, but it has also led dozens of other special needs kids to her chair as well.  McKenzie first met Jordie Rowlands when she was working at a barbershop in Northlakes, Australia. Jordie’s parents had brought in the youngster for a haircut and he was to be McKenzie’s first ever nonverbal client in the course of her 30-year career.  Unfortunately, it was a total disaster.  The experience was too frightening for the youngster, and even though McKenzie diligently followed Jordie around the shop and lie on the ground with him, she was only able to get a few snips in before he became too agitated.   “I felt that I’d failed, and it made me want to do better,” McKenzie told the Washington Post. “It made me want to learn more about autism so I could connect with him and take away his fear.”  Determined to succeed, McKenzie asked Jordie’s parents to bring the youngster in to the shop every two weeks at closing time. She also refused to charge them any money for her attempted services.  Despite trying dozens of different methods, however, McKenzie was still unable to cute Jordie’s hair. She even tried cutting the boy’s hair at home, but to no avail.  Jordie continued making regular visits to her shop – and then a few weeks ago, McKenzie had a breakthrough with the youngster: she started singing “The Wheels On The Bus”.  “I didn’t know he was into nursery rhymes, I was just trying to calm him,” she told The Post. “He looked at me like mesmerized. I had him. That was it.”  After two years of perseverance, McKenzie was finally able to give Jordie a full haircut.  “Tears were rolling down my face. His mom was crying, his dad was crying, all of us,” she said.  (Read the rest of the story and watch the video at http://bit.ly/2FQJPTD)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
In Rotorua, New Zealand, a 24-year-old man has admitted telling a woman he had been forced to drink poison and would die unless she performed certain sexual acts on him within 48 hours. He will be sentenced on May 25. The police summary of facts states the man went to the woman’s home, “red faced and bent over holding his ribs” and told her he had been beaten up and forced to drink a vial of toxin. He told her he would die unless he didn’t sweat it out within 48 hours. She suggested he go for a run but he said that wouldn’t work as he had to sweat it out in a “particular way”. He told her there was no antidote as the person who beat him up was flying overseas. Shortly after, she began getting emails from an unknown email address appearing to verify his story. The emails instructed her to perform sexual acts on the man four times and have sexual intercourse three times within the 48-hour period, to exhaust the toxin from his system. The summary said the woman only consented because she believed the man’s life was in danger. But following this 48 hours, the emails and threats continued saying people she loved would be hurt if she didn’t perform certain sexual acts with the man. The kinds of activity included performing the acts three to seven times per day, or until he fell asleep, as well as allowing the man to film it on his phone. The threats stated if she didn’t comply, semi-naked photos of her would be posted on the internet. She was also promised a car and large quantities of money if she did as instructed. (NZHerald.com)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 23, 2018…

Pacific Rim: Uprising—For fans of the first “Pacific Rim” movie, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here comes the second film, with plenty of action and the monster robots that put Godzilla to shame. In this film, it is about ten years later and more pilots have come forth to battle the enemy. Giant, now-larger, robotic-like creatures have come again from beneath the sea to conquer Earth. What can earthlings to but modify their robots to do battle and the Earth becomes a giant stomping ground for supremacy. Scott Eastwood is here as Jake, who is a top “pilot” and his friend, Amara (Cailee Spaeny) is also there. Who will win? Will there be anything left of Earth when all is said and done? Also in the cast are John Boyega (“Star Wars”), Jing Tian, Rinko Kikuchi, Adria Arjona, Charles Day and Burn Gorman. Steven S. DeKnight directs and he also co-authored the story with T. S. Nowlin. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and count me in. 

Midnight Sun—Sunlight isn’t always good for the sick, and no one knows this better than Bella  Thorne, who has a rare disease in which sunlight is dangerous for her She also likes to play the guitar.  What to do when you are a teen, why…fall in love, of course, and enter Patrick Schwarzenner (you read that last name right) as the young man. How to carry on a courtship? Also in the cast are Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard and Paul McGillion (remember him from “Stargate: Atlantis.”) “Midnight Sun” is based on a Japanese film and is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sherlock Gnomes—Yes, even garden gnomes have a life and in this animated film—the second one for the gnomes—there is a mystery to be solved. Who to call? Why Sherlock Gnomes, of course. Who did you think? The basic premise also has disagreements between the blue gnomes and the red gnomes (think “Romeo and Juliet” here). Voices of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Johnny Depp and Mary J. Blige. “Sherlock Gnomes” is rated G. Rating of  2 for fans.

Unsane—This film is directed by Stephen Soderbergh and concerns a woman who has a problem with mental stability, so is in a hospital. The problem is—are her problems real?  Imaginary? Or, brought about by someone else? Claire Foy stars, and also in the cast are Jay Pharoah, Juno Temple (“Wonder Wheel”) and Amy Irving. “Unsane” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Leisure Seeker—On the road and away we go could be the mantra for Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland. They play a senior couple who decide to take a road trip in their old camper, The Leisure Seeker. The problem is, that Donald has a fading memory and Helen wants to preserve what memories he has and perhaps, give him new memories. This film was postponed from a 2017 opening. “Leisure Seeker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One is directed by Steven Spielberg and is a science fiction film about playing a special game. Stars Tye Sheridan.

Acrimony has Taraji  P. Henson as the wronged wife who wants answers.

Loveless (opening in select cities) is a foreign language film concerning a bickering couple and their missing son.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.