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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I think everybody should have a hobby. My hobby is, apparently… napping. For me, napping is easy – so it’s a great hobby. In fact, napping is so easy I can do it with my eyes closed.
Easter moves all over the place on the calendar – this year landing on the first day of April. How do we know this isn’t just a cunning April Fool’s Day joke by people the people who create calendars?
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“Combining the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms with both the Bureau of Fisheries and the Interstate Trucking Commission. We’re going to call it the Department of Guys.” – Bill Clinton
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. — Hebrews 11:1
For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time. — 1 Timothy 2:5-6
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. — Psalm 46:1-2
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous. — Psalm 37:16-17
Thought: What do we want to be the basis of our security? Will it be what we can do, accomplish, achieve, earn, and hoard? Or will it be our God, who has shown himself faithful throughout generations upon generations? We get to choose! So what will be your choice? In what will you find your security?
Prayer: Almighty God, you are the Father of Israel, God of the nations, and my Abba Father. I place my trust in you. I know that my money, possessions, achievements, and abilities are not my own. You have blessed me with these to honor you and bring your grace to others. Please keep my heart pure and focused on you. Gently purge my heart of pride and selfishness. Please pour your blessing out on me so that I might bring you greater glory and those I love your gracious blessings. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Galatians 3:29 NIV = If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 29, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 270 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is VIETNAM VETERANS DAY. On this day in 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America’s direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.
BORROWED DAYS begin today. According to calendar legend, March originally had only 28 days, while April had 33.
Today is COCA-COLA DAY. Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton concocted Coca-Cola on March 29th and introduced it to the public on May 8th, 1886. ***Did you catch that it was a PHARMACIST that made Coca-Cola? So it MUST be good for you!
TODAY IS ALSO…
Knights of Columbus Founders Day
Little Red Wagon Day
Manatee Appreciation Day
National Mom & Pop Business Owner’s Day
National Vietnam War Veterans Day
Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day
Texas Loves The Children Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY MARCH 30
SATURDAY, MARCH 31
Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
World Backup Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 01
American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools or All Fools Day
Boomer Bonus Days
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day
MONDAY, APRIL 02
International Children’s Book Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 03
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04
Childhelp National Day of Hope
International Day for Mine Awareness& Assistance in Mine Action
Jeep 4×4 Day
National Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
World Rat Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 05
Gold Star Spouses Day
National Fun at Work Day
National Alcohol Screening Day
National Burrito Day
National Deep Dish Pizza Day
Read A Road Map Day
ON THIS DAY
1790: John Tyler, the 10th U.S. president, was born. ***Tyler had 15 children. So obviously he really needed the job. Tyler was so poor he had to borrow money to attend his own inauguration. Honest. Also strange – he reportedly died in 1862 — however, nobody knows where he’s buried!
1824: The Society for the Reformation of Juvenile Delinquents was formed in New York City. ***The problem was pretty serious back then. In fact, you couldn’t get five blocks in Manhattan without spotting some young punk kid attempting to chew gum.
1848: Niagara Falls stopped falling. An ice jam blocked the river above the falls for 30 hours. ***Leaving scores of folks owning barrels with nothing to do.
1859: Oscar Mayer was born in Germany. ***Oscar was really stubborn. When they told him in Chicago that Americans would never buy his lunch meat, Oscar said, “Baloney!”
1886: Coca-Cola was launched in Atlanta as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.
1936: Adolph Hitler got 98.7% of the German vote. ***Which, of course, he took as a mandate to go insane.
1962: Jack Paar left “The Tonight Show” and an audience of eight million. Fill-in hosts filled in until one of them. Johnny Carson, got the job. Paar had hosted the show for five years. Steve Allen was the original host.
1977: Gene Pingle of Myrtle Creek, Oregon, set a world record by peeling 50 pounds of onions in 31 minutes. ***It was the happiest day of Gene’s life. In fact, for years afterward, just thinking about it brought tears to his eyes.
1984: Baltimore Colts employees arrived at work to find phones, chairs, desks, even the coffee machine gone. During the night 15 moving vans had moved everything to Indianapolis. A secret NFL franchise move that surprised everybody.
1985: Madonna made her movie debut in “Desperately Seeking Susan.”
1987: Hulk Hogan took 11 minutes, 43 seconds to pin Andre the Giant before 93,136 “Wrestlemania-3” fans at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan. Another 2.5 million watched on pay-per-view TV.
1990: The world’s largest yo-yo was launched from a 160-foot crane in Jasonville, Indiana. Built by the woodwork class at Shakamak High School, the yo-yo was 6-feet in diameter and weighed 820 pounds. It yo-yoed 12 times. ***820 pounds?!? I’ll bet that hurt the guy’s finger that was tossing the yo-yo!
1991: City officials in Encinitas, California, warned that children had begun a dangerous activity by venturing into sewers searching for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ***What’s so dangerous about that? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would protect them, right? (audio clip)
1994: Dallas Cowboy head coach Jimmy Johnson resigned after leading the team to two consecutive Super Bowls.
1995: M&M’s announced that voters had chosen blue as the new color to be added to their candy. Over 10-million voters chose blue over pink and purple during the two-month campaign.
1999: In Anderson, Indiana, 20-year-old Amber Scott, whose car was being dragged by a train, frantically used her cell phone to call her mother and 9-1-1. She said she prayed for seven minutes before her car finally hit a railroad sign and was knocked loose from the train. Amber said it was a miracle she survived with only a concussion, bumps and bruises, and a sore back.
2001: Chuck Sozio of Melrose, Massachusetts, won a whole set of appliances because he had the oldest operating Frigidaire in the U.S. and Canada. Sozio’s fridge, made from wood and porcelain, was still operating after 77 years. He still used it in his garage. The Frigidaire contest drew 5,300 entries, many from people whose fridges dated back to the 1930s.
2003: Michelle Kwan became only the third American to win five World Figure Skating Championships, after Dick Button and Carol Heiss.
2004: Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia joined NATO.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1139: In the bull “Omne Datum Optimum,” Pope Innocent II grants the Templars “every best gift” and makes them an independent unit within the church. Created to protect pilgrims from bandits in the Holy Land, the Templars rose in influence and wealth and eventually earned the jealousy of other Christians.
1523: German reformer Martin Luther wrote in a letter: “There has never been a great revelation of God’s Word unless God has first prepared the way by the rise and the flourishing of languages and learning, as though these were forerunners, a sort of John the Baptist.”
1638: The first Swedish colonists in America established a Lutheran settlement at Fort Christiana in the Colony of Delaware.
1832: The Kentucky Baptist Convention was organized in Frankfort with delegates representing nine congregations within the state.
1847: Birth of Winfield Scott Weeden, American sacred chorister and hymnwriter. During his life he led music and singing schools for the YMCA and Christian Endeavor. Of his several musical compositions, Weeden is best remembered today for the hymn, “I Surrender All.”
1882: The Knights of Columbus, founded by Father Michael J. McGivney, was chartered by the General Assembly of Connecticut. Established as a lay fraternal society, the K of C encourages benevolence, patriotism, and racial tolerance among its members.
1887: Death of Ray Palmer, hymn writer. His most famous song is probably “My Faith Looks up to Thee.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Xena: Warrior Princess”) Lucy Lawless is 50 (audio clip)
model Elle MacPherson 55
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1902 : William Walton
1918 : Pearl Bailey
1942 : Eden Kane
1943 : Chad Allan (The Guess Who)
1943 : Vangelis
1944 : Terry Jacks (“Seasons In The Sun“)
1944 : Terry Jacks
1945 : Speedy Keen (Thunderclap Newman)
1947 : Bobby Kimball (Toto)
1949 : Michael Brecker (The Brecker Brothers)
1959 : Perry Farrell (Jane’s Addiction)
1967 : John Popper (Blues Traveler)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why is an easy mark a “sucker?”
This particular fish tail begins with the bottom-scavenging fish known as the sucker, from the way it purses its “lips” to draw in the garbage it eats (how low can you sink?). The early settlers of America saw lots of these fish and soon they were indiscriminately using the name as well for other fish that made the same motion with their mouths. Eventually so many kinds of fish bore this name that if you baited a hook you were likely to haul in a sucker. Suckers, being so easy to catch, became synonymous with an easy mark. Any person who would figuratively go for the bait was also labeled a sucker.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A bus driver in China is in hot water for posting a sign persuading passengers to not spit on his floor and instead out the window. The sign apparently had passengers complaining that the sign only encouraged uncivilized behavior. The sign read: “Care for hygiene, prevent the spread of flu, please spit out of the window.” ***The backlash about the sign is so heavy, the bus driver says he’s mad enough to spit.
That Chinese space station is expected to re-enter the atmosphere within the next two weeks and so far, Oregon seems to be the likely arrival spot. ***You’ve been warned, Oregon Earthlings! It might be a good time to take your Spring Break AWAY from home.
According to Google AdWords, the phrases “do bunnies lay eggs” and “do rabbits lay eggs” each receive between 1,000 and 10,000 average monthly searches. That’s a pretty big number, which leads us to believe that people really do not know. ***Listen up – if you see a rabbit laying chocolate eggs, DON’T EAT THEM.
61% of adults who wake up with an alarm said they use the snooze button. That means 39% of people are up-and-at-em when the alarm goes off. Roughly 17% of snooze users hit the snooze only once, 15% hit it twice, and 14% hit it three times. One in 20 hit it four times, 3.8% did so five times, and roughly 3% hit it six or more times. ***If you’re hitting the snooze button six times, you’re already late for work – you might as well just call in sick.
In Ohio, a 54-year-old woman was arrested last Saturday afternoon for allegedly making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny at a carousel park. ***So who complained about it – the Easter Bunny himself? If so, forget the lewd comments – we just found a talking rabbit!!!
In Peoria County, Illinois police responded to reports of a stabbing to find 48-year-old Carolinn Carpentier standing in the driveway, holding her stomach. Two puncture wounds were visible to her abdomen and she claimed her sister had stabbed her twice because she was “jealous” of her. The sister, 49-year-old Annajohn Carpentier, told deputies that the stabbing was an accident explaining: “I was cutting up my ham when she ran into my knife.” Apparently, twice. Police did say they smelled a strong odor of alcohol coming from both women. ***What a shocking observation.
In South Carolina, a clown is running for congress. Steve Lough is a former clown for the now shut-down Ringing Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. ***Not only is Steve tossing his hat into the ring for a congressional seat, he’s also tossing in his red nose, giant shoes and squirting flower. Congress is already full of clowns, so Steve should feel right at home if elected.
Beer heir Billy Busch is being charged after pushing an 11-year-old into a wall at a basketball game. ***It’s an innocent mistake though. Someone called out his name, Billy Busch, and he heard “Billy, push” and well, there you go.
A New York woman was arrested over the weekend, along with a man from Florida, for stealing mementos – including teddy bears, plaques and pinwheels – from a memorial site honoring those killed in the Parkland massacre. ***A special kind of punishment should be created for people this low. Like maybe being forced to clean the bathrooms at the high school in Parkland… using toothbrushes.
She calls her band Hole, and now Page Six is reporting that Courtney Love is over half a million dollars in the hole with Uncle Sam. The report says the singer owes precisely $568,674.62 to the IRS. Reportedly, Love has already shelled out $319,749.27 to cover unpaid taxes dating back to 2012. While a massive sum to most, the debts are paltry compared with what the singer herself says she’s lost over the years. Back in 2014, Love told Australia’s Style magazine that she’d “lost about $27 million,” most of which she said went to settling lawsuits. That same year, Love was reportedly sued by a Manhattan psychiatrist who said she owed $48,250 worth of treatment for which she was accused of never paying. ***Sounds like she might need to go even more in debt with a psychiatrist – she definitely need her head examined.
Linda Brown became famous at the age of 9 as the Brown in the now famous Brown versus Board of Education verdict, where the U.S. Supreme Court ended segregation in schools. She died in Kansas this week at the age of 76. ***Wouldn’t it be awesome if they buried her in a whites-only cemetery?
A new study claims that obesity kills off taste buds. ***That, friends, is what we call IRONY!
The CDC is warning that a second wave of the flu virus is probably coming so don’t slow down on your hand-washing. ***Because there ARE times when it’s NOT polite to share.
A Florida woman who’s hoping to save a 100-year-old tree from being cut down decided to marry it. Karen Cooper wants to save the landmark Ft. Myers tree, whose 8,000-foot canopy graces a park near her home and held a wedding ceremony in which she pledged to honor and protect the large fichus. Local authorities have approved a developer’s request to have it removed out of fear it could topple and damage private property that adjoins the city-owned land. Cooper held the event in a bid to get people to show their support for preserving the tree. Cooper’s ceremony was complete with a wedding dress, walk down the aisle, maid of honor, and even a canine ring bearer. The “bride,” who has lived in Ft. Myers nearly 40 years, says she wants to save the tree after so many others were destroyed in September’s Hurricane Irma. A reported 80 or so people showed up for the ceremony, which included food and music and was capped off with a tree decorating ceremony. ***So if local authorities go ahead and cut the tree down anyway, does that make this lady a widow? Can she collect life-insurance on her dead husband, Mr. Fichus? Inquiring minds want to know!
Another study says that the happiest teens use their phones and digital media less than an hour a day. ***This has to be fake news. There’s no way they were able to find teenagers who used their phones and computers less than an hour a day. NO. WAY.
It used to be that you were supposed to exercise for at least 10 minutes to have any health benefits. Now, new research from the National Cancer Institute and the National Institutes for Health say that ANYTHING you do has health benefits. ***Which is precisely why I twiddle my thumbs during commercial breaks. Physical fitness is important to me.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Provocative new research suggests international rules that bar potentially infectious tuberculosis patients from flying are too stringent and airline passengers are really at little risk from catching TB from a fellow traveler. ***But they do reserve the right to kick you off the plane if you’re a fatty.
A new study found that people hate looking at selfies – unless it came from them. ***In other words, you’re spending all that time on the perfect selfie, just for you. Get over yourself.
A study discovered that up to 35% of us have had a text conversation while still sleeping. The conversation, which is mostly gibberish, starts when our phones start beeping or buzzing, prompting our brains to go into auto-pilot and return the text. It’s not always gibberish, though. The study found men usually text about food while women tend to get romantic. ***Or in my case, getting romantic about food.
A Newcastle University professor said it’s “unnecessary” for kids to learn spelling and grammar because smartphones will handle it for them. ***Really? How about we try spelling your name wrong on your paycheck a couple of times. THEN how important is spelling?
A study in the journal Body Image indicates many overweight people do not know they’re obese. ***(Whew!) Good thing I’m not one of those poor fat slobs!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins on Razzleflabbin Island were running for their lives to get away from someone they called, the Plaid Guy! They’re so scared they’ve built plaid shelters, run numerous emergency plaid drills, and hired a scout to do nothing but stay awake and look for the Plaid Guy!
CLOSE: Oh no! It looks like Marvy isn’t fast enough to stay away from the Plaid Guy! What’s going to happen? Will the plaid guy eat Marvy? Will he eat Marvy’s teddy bear? Will he make Marvy go shopping for plaid shirts? Oh, how gruesome! Tune in next time to find out what happens… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
How can you mess up the act of walking your dog?
Today’s Moment of Duh allows us to follow a Belgian man who took his dog for a walk… but he stayed in his car, making his dog run alongside the car on the leash as the man drove 20 MPH. Drivers in the other direction slammed their brakes and swerved. Behind him he created a traffic jam. And there’s no need to describe how scared the dog was.
TOP TEN PERKS OF WORKING AT HOT DOG ON A STICK
10. Stripey uniforms and tall hat more dignified than those stupid pens you had to wear at T.G.I.Friday’s.
9. All the stick you can eat. All the mustard you can drink
8. No rule against wearing cool uniform while off duty.
7. It will look really good on your Mc Donald’s application some day.
6. Always have free chopsticks for use at the Quick Wok next door.
5. Allowed to slap the little punks that ask for a soda on a stick to go with their hot dog.
4. Satisfies your life long goal to provide delicious corn dogs to our society at a low price.
3. You can make fun of all those guys working at Vienna Sausage on a Stick
2. Used with straws, the unused sticks make excellent blowdarts.
1. You know that big honey-baked ham you want to dip in cornmeal and then deep-fry? Done.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man on disability tries to outrun the law.
FILE #1: Liverpool’s Stephen Sinnott had collected over $40,000 dollars in disability payments. Stephen might still be riding the taxpayer’s gravy train had he not made one little slip up. Stephen told authorities he could barely walk more than 50 yards without feeling breathless. Apparently it didn’t affect his running. He was discovered to be an active member of the Penny Lane Striders running club and was regularly competing in half marathons. Stephen will continue to live on the taxpayers dime for the next year, although it will be in jail.
FILE #2: A Canadian man was shocked when he showed up at his house only to find another family living in it. It seems that while he was out, his estranged wife forged her husband’s name to a sales agreement, then had a relative impersonate her husband at a lawyer’s office to get the final documents signed. The wife has been charged with fraud and may find herself a new place to live. Again. Perhaps jail.
FILE #3: Public service has its price and a Colorado councilwoman revealed that recently. Cori McCain resigned from her post on the Castle Rock, Colorado City council because she was sentenced for defrauding the town bank of $269,000. Ironically, having the shame that goes with leaving your job as a convicted felon wasn’t her biggest regret. Nope, she cited that the several years of regular Thursday night meetings caused her to miss her favorite TV shows. Maybe she’ll get lucky and get a TV in prison.
STRANGE LAW: In Pocatello, Idaho, “the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited in public view.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
It’s marijuana on the move!
Ryan N. Smith says he was just moving his stuff to protect it from crooks. But in this case, police say the stuff was a bunch of pot plants. Police report busting Smith after getting a tip that two men were loading the plants into a pickup in Jacksonville, Fla. Officers say Smith told them his house had been robbed the night before and he didn’t want to lose the weed to the bandits. He’s been charged with cultivating marijuana. Another man, the pickup’s driver, faces charges of felony marijuana possession.
In what dumb ways have you hurt yourself? Robin and I were putting up a new mailbox yesterday and we had to use a power drill to attach it to the post. Robin’s long hair fell onto the drill, got spun into the drill’s motor, and was so tangled we had to cut off about seven inches of her hair! It took us an hour to take the drill apart and get all of the hair out – and now Robin’s hair is lopsided! What’s the strangest way you’ve hurt YOURSELF?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What prophet was a very hairy man?
ANSWER: Elijah (2 Kings 1:8)
QUESTION: What U.S. state has the smallest population?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Muhammad Ali was the first person featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (False – Eddie Mathews)
2. Jesse Owens was the first person to run the mile in under four minutes. (False – Roger Bannister)
3. A wind with a speed of 54 miles or more is designated a hurricane. (False – 75mph)
4. The first National Football League team to travel by plane was the Green Bay Packers, in 1940. (True)
5. The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to wear numbers on their uniforms. (True, in 1929)
6. Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it. (True)
7. A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel. (True)
8. A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/10th of a second. (False – 1/100th of a second)
9. A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure. (True)
10. A typical lightning bolt is two to four inches wide and two miles long. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
PANDA ____ TEA (POO)
Giant pandas make some of the best tea in world. And they make it every day!
An Yashi, a lecturer at Sinchuan University, is collecting excrement from pandas at a breeding center in Chengdu to make what is the world’s most expensive tea at $200 a cup, Reuters reported.
He said panda feces is rich in fiber and nutrients and creates a unique aroma for the tea blend. “It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
After it was all over, and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals “to go forth and multiply.” All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. “Why can’t you go forth and multiply?” demanded Noah. “We can’t,” answered the snakes. “We’re adders.”
A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, “Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Roxie, Billy, Sally, the dog, and me and Dad are all home alone.”
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860- 1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)
Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
A recent study shows teenagers who smoke are more likely to get fat. ***Now listen up, kids – this is serious. If you get fat — it’ll cost a lot more money to cover your body with tattoos and body piercings.
A human eyeball weighs an ounce. ***So “lifting your eyes to the skies” probably isn’t the best workout routine.
A FRACTION OF HUMOR
Miss Figpot was teaching her class of young students about the usefulness of fractions. It was a math lesson that the children were enjoying immensely. After numerous children answered the questions posed to them correctly, it was now Little Johnny’s turn. Miss Figpot asked, “Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?” “A heart attack!” replied Little Johnny.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
How can a guitar stop an entire train and cause other trains to be diverted?
An electronic guitar pedal left on a train cause quite a commotion. About a hundred trains were stopped or diverted as police dealt with a mysterious ticking device. As a precaution, they blew it up. It was only later that they discovered it was the foot pedal to a guitar. The pedal’s 15-year-old owner said he was “profusely sorry for all the inconvenience he has caused,” but he was also upset because the pedal was part of his schoolwork. The school said they would contact the examination board to see how his course work would be marked now that it has been blown up. ***MARLAR: Man – this is SO much better than the whole “dog at my homework” thing.
THE “I LOVE YOU MORE” GAME (A little girl teaches her mom a thing or two about love.)
By Christie A. Hansen
Meet my daughter, Amanda. Four years old and a fountain of knowledge. The other day she was reciting a list of all the facts and tidbits she has memorized. One plus one is two. If you mix yellow paint with blue you get green. Penguins can’t fly….On and on she went.
Finally, she finished. “Mom,” she said, looking very smug, “I know everything.”
I let on as if I believed her, but chuckled to myself thinking of all the “this and that’s” that a four-year-old child couldn’t possibly know. Comparing her four years to my almost three decades of life experiences, I felt sure I knew what she knew and then some.
Within a week, I’d learn I was wrong.
It all began as we were standing in front of the bathroom mirror, me fixing Amanda’s fine, blonde hair. I was putting in the final elastic of a spunky pair of pony tails and finished with, “I love you, Amanda.”
“And I love you,” she replied.
“Oh, yeah,” I taunted, “well, I love you more.”
Her eyes lit up as she recognized the cue for the start of another “I love you more” match. “Nuh-uh,” she laughed, “I love you the most.”
“I love you bigger than a volcano!” I countered–a favorite family phrase in these battles of love.
“But, Mom, I love you from here to China”–a country she’s learning about thanks to our new neighbors up the street.
We volleyed back and forth a few favorite lines. “I love you more than peanut butter”…Well, I love you more than television”…”I even love you more than bubble gum.”
It was my turn again, and I made the move that usually brings victory. “Too bad, chickadee. I love you bigger than the universe!” On this day, however, Amanda was not going to give up. I could see she was thinking.
“Mom,” she said in a quiet voice, “I love you more than myself.”
I stopped. Dumbfounded. Overwhelmed by her sincerity.
Here I thought that I knew more than she did. I thought I knew at least everything that she knew. But I didn’t know this. My four-year-old daughter knows more about love than her twenty-eight-year-old mom. And somehow she loves me more than herself.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)
Read: 2 Corinthians 5:1-10
We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due to him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. –2 Corinthians 5:10
There’s some mail you’d rather not get. I’m not talking about junk mail. I’m referring to rejection notices from the college of your choice, or overdue notices from your credit card bank, or a letter from the IRS saying you’re about to be audited… that’s mail no one wants to get!
Although the IRS says the majority of taxpayers are honest and have nothing to fear, no one feels good about having to bundle up all his files and haul them down to the local IRS office for a once-over.
The only consolation in all this is that not many people receive that hated letter. Only about one person in every 46 is called in to have his tax return audited.
There’s another kind of audit coming, but it isn’t based on a random sampling. This one will call everyone into account. It’s the final audit that every human will experience when he stands face-to-face with God in judgment–either the great white throne for those who reject Christ or the judgment seat for those who accept Him.
In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul stated clearly that we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ. We may not understand how this will work and what it will involve, but one thing is sure. It will happen! We need to be ready.
Nobody can escape God’s judgment. One out of 46 will be audited–and so will the other 45. That’s just one more reason to live in a way that pleases and glorifies the Lord.
TRICKS TO TEACH YOUR BODY
If your throat tickles, scratch your ear.
If you’re stuck chatting up a mumbler at a party, lean in with your right ear. It’s better than your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech.
German researchers have discovered that coughing during an injection can lessen the pain of the needle stick.
Forget Sudafed. An easier, quicker, and cheaper way to relieve sinus pressure is by alternately thrusting your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then pressing between your eyebrows with one finger.
Sleep on your left side to avoid acid reflux.
To cure a toothache, rub ice on the back of the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger.
To get rid of side stitches when you run, exhale as your left foot strikes the ground.
Brain freeze? Press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much as you can.
If your hand falls asleep while you’re driving or sitting in an odd position, rock your head from side to side.
If you’re dying to retrieve that quarter from the bottom of the pool, take several short breaths first – essentially, hyperventilate. When you’re underwater, it’s not a lack of oxygen that makes you desperate for a breath; it’s the buildup of carbon dioxide.
LIFE… LIVE IT
8 COMMON TRAFFIC TICKET MYTHS
Here are the most common misconceptions surrounding tickets and how to beat them from Bankrate.com:
If the officer makes a single mistake on your ticket, the case is dropped — Clerical mistakes, such as a wrong number or wrong order of a person’s name, are usually overlooked. Material mistakes, like the identity of the driver, the direction of travel, the street or the description of the vehicle, can usually help a driver win the case.
If the officer doesn’t show up in court, you automatically win — Some judges will drop a case if the officer does not appear in court because defendants have the constitutional right to question their accusers. However, in most cases an officer not showing up will result in a dismissal.
Red cars get more tickets — There are no official studies to confirm that red cars do get more tickets, but some suggest the bold color tends to attract more attention from everyone — including police officers.
You need a lawyer to beat a ticket — With a little time and homework, many people successfully fight their own traffic tickets. At the very least, first-time offenders for minor offenses can usually strike a plea bargain.
If you get a ticket in another state, your home state won’t find out about it — Reports on traffic violations and suspensions are usually forwarded to the home state of the nonresident.
You can make up an excuse to get out of the ticket — Most police officers aren’t interested in excuses. When an officer pulls you over, he already suspects you of an infraction.
A radar detector will ensure that you never get pulled over — Speeding drivers are also more likely to commit other infractions, and a radar detector can’t tell you when a cop is watching you run that red light or make an illegal turn.
If you don’t sign the ticket, it will be dismissed — Signing a ticket is not an admission of guilt, but merely an acknowledgement you received the ticket and a promise to appear in court.
JUST FOR FUN
AND NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK… AVOIDING TAXES!
Death and taxes; two things that are unavoidable in this life, right? Well… maybe not death.
…He’ll probably still have to pay taxes, but Paul Bodey has escaped death… at least for now. Skydiver Paul Bodey survived plunging a mile from the sky by hitting a tree – and landed in the path of a passing car. The tree cushioned his fall and the motorist managed to avoid him as he lay stricken in the road – though he did suffer spinal injuries and a punctured lung. According to a friend, he remembers nothing of his downward journey and only remembers waking up in the road. ***MARLAR: Gee, I’d be seeing a doctor about those blackouts – that might be dangerous.
MY TOWN IS SO SMALL (HOW SMALL IS IT?)
My town is so small that…
- our city limits signs are both on the same post.
- the McDonald’s only has one Golden Arch.
- the 7-11 is a 9-5.
- the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot long hot dog.
- the New Years baby was born in October.
- a “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
- the phone book has only one page.
- there’s nothing doing every minute.
- at the last beauty contest, nobody won 1st, 2nd or 3rd
- the ZIP code was a fraction.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
LIVE TO BE A HUNDRED!
Want to live to be 100 and be happy and healthy while you’re doing it?
Here are six secret keys to your very own fountain of youth, from researcher Dan Buettner, author of the National Geographic bestseller, “The Blue Zones”:
Laugh long and often — Not only is it fun, but a good, long giggle relaxes blood vessels and lowers your risk of heart attack.
Nosh on nuts — Studies of a Seventhday Adventist group in California found that those who ate small portions of nuts five days a week lived an average of two years longer than those who didn’t.
Cherish your friends — Keep a tight knit circle of close buddies around you visit often and share your innermost hopes and fears. “Gather people around you who will reinforce your lifestyle,” advises Buettner.
Eat wisely — Okinawas, who boast an unusually high number of healthy seniors over 100, begin every meal by saying, “Hara hachi bu!” The saying translates to “Eat until you’re 80 percent full!” Buettner recommends eating slowly off smaller plates to make smaller meals satisfying.
Stay active – You don’t have to run marathons or schedule gym time. Just make physical activities long walks, puttering in the garden or playing with kids a part of your regular routine.
Live like you mean it — “Across the board, those living the longest had a clear sense of purpose,” Buettner explains. “You have to know why you get up every morning.” Find ways to connect with things you feel passionate about and get involved.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
So your wife is always taking selfies. What gives? Men’s Health says if you’re in the photos too, then play along, you stick-in-the-mud. But if you’re sitting there twiddling your thumbs as she uploads pouty-lipped shots to Facebook and ChatSnap and it bothers you, tell her. Maybe your silence is her permission. Ask her why she’s doing it instead of how much she’s doing it. It’ll go better.
It’s a rare individual who jumps out of bed at the first sound of the alarm. Most fumble to hit the snooze alarm. Some hit it more than once. Turns out, we shouldn’t hit it at all. Those few extra minutes of precious sleep could make you tired all day. Why? When you hit the snooze alarm and fall back to sleep, it fools your body into thinking it really can sleep more — not just seven minutes longer but a lot longer. So when the alarm goes off again, your body is confused. Very confused. And you will pay for that all day, reports WTOP in Washington, DC, of research done by freelance writer and Rhodes Scholar Casey N. Cep. She calls the snooze button the root of all evil. “It’s one of the most deliberate ways we sabotage our lives,” Cep told WTOP. “It’s the enemy of both good sleep and productive wakefulness.” The takeaway: Get up when the alarm first goes off–no matter how tempting it is to hit the snooze alarm — and you will feel better all day.
Yawning is a surprising way to keep your brain in top form. When you inhale deeply, you exchange warm air with cooler ambient air which is good, since the brain operates most efficiently when it is cool (perhaps why other research shows that people are more likely to yawn in winter than summer). if you feel a yawn coming on, do not suppress it: your thinker may need to let off some steam.
Here’s an easy diet trick: Weigh yourself every day. The more frequently you weigh yourself, the more weight you will lose, according to researchers from Tampere University of Technology in Finland. Why? By keeping a close eye on even minor weight fluctuations, you can quickly get back on track and prevent future weight gain. The study found that the more frequently dieters weighed themselves, the more weight they lost. If dieters went longer than a week without a weigh-in, they gained weight. The average time a dieter could go between weigh-ins and not gain weight was 5.8 days. Keeping close track of your weight allows you to identify which foods cause weight gain. For this to work, however, you need to get a digital scale that is accurate to two-tenths of a pound. Since weekend weigh-ins can show dramatic gains or losses, pay close attention to your weight on Wednesday. This is a more consistent indication of your true weight.
According to a recent study, those who chewed gum immediately after lunch and again every hour for three hours ate 36 fewer calories at snack time than non-chomper. It seems that chewing gum after meals may help you skip dessert, feel fuller, and reduce late day cravings, says lead study author Marion Hetherington, Ph.D.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Aaron Alambat was ready to go all out for the best birthday party ever. The 12-year-old’s party, which was themed around the hit Netflix sci-fi series “Stranger Things”, had everything from Demogorgon-flavored juice to Christmas lights and a decorated cake. Unfortunately, the cool decorations failed to lure out the eight classmates who he had invited to the party. Aaron’s faithful older sister Ayen took photos of the stellar party and posted them to Twitter with a call-out caption aimed at her brother’s mouth-breather classmates. “My brother invited 8 of his classmates for his Stranger Things themed bday party & none of their punk selves showed up,” wrote Ayen. While the party theme may not have been enough to impress Aaron’s peers, it certainly caught the eye of social media users. Ayen’s pictures of the party were shared thousands of times until the finally caught the eye of Millie Bobby Brown, the young actress who plays Eleven on the show. The child star wished Aaron a happy birthday and asked for an invitation to next year’s birthday party. Not only that, but she was joined by Gaten Matarazzo, the actor who plays Dustin Henderson. “Count me in too!” said Matarazzo. “I’ll bring the chocolate pudding.” (READ the full article here: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/stranger-things-stars-swoop-in-to-comfort-kid-after-classmates-fail-to-attend-birthday/?utm_campaign=newsletters&utm_medium=weekly_mailout&utm_source=22-03-2018)
In-N-Out Burger isn’t laughing about a YouTube prankster who claimed to be the company’s CEO making a surprise visit. The burger chain has gone to court to seek a restraining order against prankster Cody Roeder, whose videos appeared on his popular “Trollmunchies” YouTube channel. In two now-deleted videos filmed earlier this month, Roeder visits Southern California In-N-Out burger locations dressed in business attire, claiming to be the acting CEO and demanding free food for a “taste test.” He claims to be the ex-husband of Lynsi Snyder-Ellingson, the granddaughter of chain founder Harry Snyder. According to court papers, at one location, Roeder berated employees for “contamination” of the food and grabbed a burger from a customer believed to have been his assistant. Roeder “proceeded to throw the burger on the ground in the middle of the restaurant and step on it, telling the customer it was ‘garbage.” In a statement, the chain said it has seen “an increase of visitors to our stores, who are not customers but instead are intentionally disruptive and who then try to promote themselves through social media.” The legal action seeks a restraining order banning Roeder and his accomplices from the chain’s restaurants, as well as damages of more than $25,000. (OC Register)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to the preceding program.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 23, 2018…
Pacific Rim: Uprising—For fans of the first “Pacific Rim” movie, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here comes the second film, with plenty of action and the monster robots that put Godzilla to shame. In this film, it is about ten years later and more pilots have come forth to battle the enemy. Giant, now-larger, robotic-like creatures have come again from beneath the sea to conquer Earth. What can earthlings to but modify their robots to do battle and the Earth becomes a giant stomping ground for supremacy. Scott Eastwood is here as Jake, who is a top “pilot” and his friend, Amara (Cailee Spaeny) is also there. Who will win? Will there be anything left of Earth when all is said and done? Also in the cast are John Boyega (“Star Wars”), Jing Tian, Rinko Kikuchi, Adria Arjona, Charles Day and Burn Gorman. Steven S. DeKnight directs and he also co-authored the story with T. S. Nowlin. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and count me in.
Midnight Sun—Sunlight isn’t always good for the sick, and no one knows this better than Bella Thorne, who has a rare disease in which sunlight is dangerous for her She also likes to play the guitar. What to do when you are a teen, why…fall in love, of course, and enter Patrick Schwarzenner (you read that last name right) as the young man. How to carry on a courtship? Also in the cast are Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard and Paul McGillion (remember him from “Stargate: Atlantis.”) “Midnight Sun” is based on a Japanese film and is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Sherlock Gnomes—Yes, even garden gnomes have a life and in this animated film—the second one for the gnomes—there is a mystery to be solved. Who to call? Why Sherlock Gnomes, of course. Who did you think? The basic premise also has disagreements between the blue gnomes and the red gnomes (think “Romeo and Juliet” here). Voices of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Johnny Depp and Mary J. Blige. “Sherlock Gnomes” is rated G. Rating of 2 for fans.
Unsane—This film is directed by Stephen Soderbergh and concerns a woman who has a problem with mental stability, so is in a hospital. The problem is—are her problems real? Imaginary? Or, brought about by someone else? Claire Foy stars, and also in the cast are Jay Pharoah, Juno Temple (“Wonder Wheel”) and Amy Irving. “Unsane” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Leisure Seeker—On the road and away we go could be the mantra for Helen Mirren and Donald Sutherland. They play a senior couple who decide to take a road trip in their old camper, The Leisure Seeker. The problem is, that Donald has a fading memory and Helen wants to preserve what memories he has and perhaps, give him new memories. This film was postponed from a 2017 opening. “Leisure Seeker” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
MARCH 30, 2018…
Ready Player One is directed by Steven Spielberg and is a science fiction film about playing a special game. Stars Tye Sheridan.
Acrimony has Taraji P. Henson as the wronged wife who wants answers.
Loveless (opening in select cities) is a foreign language film concerning a bickering couple and their missing son.
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.