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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160330
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Please remember: The calendar may say it’s Spring — but here in (CITY), it’s not officially springtime until a city crew throws a refrigerator or something else large into that pothole on (STREET).
I discovered something on the way to work today. I can save five minutes on my way to work by not stopping at red lights. I figure, you see one red light, you’ve seen ’em all.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. — 1 Samuel 16:7
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him. — Philippians 1:29
Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. — Isaiah 1:17
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
… the Holy Spirit descended on him [Jesus] in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” — Luke 3:22
Thought: God spoke these wonderful words to his Son when Jesus was baptized. God feels the same about us when we follow our Savior’s example and are baptized, too! Jesus pours out his Spirit on us (Titus 3:4-7) guaranteeing that we are God’s children (cf. Ephesians 1:13-14). No matter what Satan may do to make us doubt it (cf. Luke 4:3), we can confidently know that we are God’s beloved children, with whom he is well pleased! Because of the Spirit, we can call God our Abba Father (Galatians 4:6) knowing that the Spirit intercedes for us making even our inexpressible thoughts known to our Father (Romans 8:26-27).
Prayer: Abba Father, I thank you for making me your child and making me an heir of your gracious inheritance. Please give me confidence to withstand the lies of Satan who tries to make me doubt my relationship with you. Thank you for your Spirit who helps even now by interceding for me as I pray. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
John 3:30 NIV = He must become greater; I must become less.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 30, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 269 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is CHECK FOR CHANGE IN EVERY COIN RETURN YOU PASS DAY. *** It’s a habit you get into when you’re working in radio.
Today is NATIONAL BADMINTON DAY. *** Which makes me wonder, if there’s a Badminton, is there also a Goodminton somewhere? And why aren’t we playing that instead?
It’s PENCIL & ERASER DAY. It was on this date back in 1858 that Hyman L. Lipman attached an eraser to the end of his pencil. *** For a while, he erased everything he had written. Then he moved the eraser to the other end of the pencil.
Today is NATIONAL DOCTOR DAY. Dr. Crawford Long of Georgia became the first doctor to use anesthesia during an operation way back in 1842. *** Unfortunately, the patient didn’t survive. The next time he performed surgery, he gave the anesthesia to the patient instead of himself – he had much better results that way.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
World Bi-Polar Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
Bunsen Burner Day
International Hug a Medievalist Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 01
American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools Day / All Fools Day
Boomer Bonus Day
Hospital Admitting Clerks Day
Library Snap Shot Day
National Fun Day
National Fun at Work Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading Is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
U.S. Air Force Academy Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 02
International Children’s Book Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 03
Fan Dance Day
Black Marriage Day
Pony Express Day
Weed Out Hate: Sow The Seeds of Greatness Day
MONDAY, APRIL 04
International Day for Mine Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action
National Love Our Children Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 05
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 06
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
Childhelp National Day of Hope
National Walking Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
ON THIS DAY
1853: Vincent Van Gogh was born. Van Gogh was the eccentric painter who cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend. ***MARLAR: What most people don’t know is that his girlfriend then decided to take him back, but he gave up when he never heard from her.
1855: Kansas voted to retain slavery in one of history’s most unusual elections. Kansas had only 2,000 registered voters, but 6,000 people voted, most of them from Missouri. ***MARLAR: After all, what are neighbors for?
1858: Hymon Lipman of Philadelphia patented the first pencil equipped with an eraser. He made a fortune. ***MARLAR: Because in those days not that many people could write, but almost everybody could erase.
1867: U.S. Secretary of State William Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal widely ridiculed as “Seward’s Folly.”
1957: The single “Fraulein” by Bobby Helms debuted on U.S. country music charts, where it stayed for an incredible 52 weeks.
1964: The TV game show “Jeopardy” debuted on NBC. Art Fleming hosted 2,500 consecutive daytime shows. The later syndicated version was hosted from 1984 by Alex Trebeck. (audio clip)
1970: Polio victim David Ryder left Los Angeles for New York City. He walked 2,960 miles in 4½ months on crutches.
1974: John Denver reached the top of the music charts with, “Sunshine on My Shoulders,” his first number one song. Three other Denver singles reached the top: “Annie’s Song,” “Thank God I’m a Country Boy,” and “I’m Sorry.” “Take Me Home Country Roads” made it to number two.
1981: U.S. President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously injured outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John W. Hinckley Jr. White House press secretary James Brady, a Secret Service agent, and a District of Columbia police officer also were wounded.
1989: Singer Gladys Knight pulled off a first in Las Vegas. For the first time since elementary school, she performed without the Pips.
1990: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S. (audio clip)
1993: South African KwaZulu leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi finished his annual state-of-the-state address to the KwaZulu legislature. He began on March 12 and spoke continuously during weekday business hours. He read 427 pages and waited for the translation from English to Zulu.
1993: In “Peanuts,” Charlie Brown hit his first home run. (audio clip)
1994: Thieves broke into a security company in Bedminster, England, and stole 13 empty safes.
1998: The automaker BMW purchased Rolls-Royce for $570 million.
1999: As he inaugurated a new roller coaster in Williamsburg, Virginia, Fabio got a shock when a bird crashed into his face. Spattered with blood, the model was taken to a local hospital, treated for minor cuts, and released.
2002: The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died in her sleep at Windsor outside London at age 101.
2001: New research showed British women had the most hair-free armpits and legs in Europe. The Austrian study shows 80% of British women regularly shave their legs and armpits. Italy, Spain and France were within 5% of the British total. Austria had Europe’s hairiest women with only 38% of women shaving.
2006: Journalist Jill Carroll, a freelance reporter for the Christian Science Monitor, was freed in Baghdad after being held for 82 days by kidnappers.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1135: Birth of Moses Maimonides, medieval Jewish scholar. Considered the foremost Talmudist of the Middle Ages, his most important writing was Guide to the Perplexed (1190), in which he tried to harmonize Rabbinic Judaism with the increasingly popular Aristotelianism of his day.
1492: The Jews were expelled from Spain by Inquisitor-General Tom’s Torquemada (Spanish Inquisition).
1533: Thomas Cranmer is consecrated Archbishop of Canterbury, England’s highest religious post. Believing himself subject to the king, Henry VIII, he granted the monarch’s annulment ending his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. This touched off the English Reformation, and Cranmer became its chief architect. He is also known for writing the first Book of Common Prayer.
1771: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “Suffer all, and conquer all.”
1820: The first Protestant missionaries arrive at the Sandwich Islands, now known as Hawaii, and are welcomed by King Kamehameha II.
1858: Episcopal minister Dudley Tyne, burdened for the salvation of husbands and fathers, speaks to a rally of 5,000 men in Philadelphia. “I would rather this right arm were amputated at the trunk than that I should come short of my duty to you in delivering God’s message,” he said. Over 1,000 men were converted. Two weeks later, Tyne lost his right arm in a farming accident, and he died soon after. His last words, “Stand up for Jesus, father, and tell my brethren of the ministry to stand up for Jesus,” inspired the hymn “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.
1863: Ownership of Wilberforce University in Ohio was transferred to the African Methodist Episcopal Church. The school had been founded seven years earlier by the Methodist Episcopal Church.
1917: All imperial lands, as well as lands belonging to monasteries, were confiscated by the Russian provisional government.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Mark Vanacore on “Ed”) Michael Genadry 38 (audio clip)
- Actor (“All My Children”) Mark Consuelos, 46 (audio clip)
- Model/actress (“Baywatch”) Donna D’Errico, 48 (audio clip)
- Actor (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Ian Ziering, 52 (audio clip)
- Comedian/actor/writer (“Mad About You”) Paul Reiser, 59 (audio clip)
- Actor (Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies) Robbie Coltrane, 66
- Actor (Bullworth, Bonnie & Clyde, Reds, Dick Tracy) Warren Beatty, 79
- Actor (“The Addams Family’s” Gomez Addams, Buddy on “Night Court”) John Astin 86 (audio clip)
- Game show host (“Hollywood Squares”) Peter Marshall, 86 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1913 : Frankie Laine
1914 : Sonny Boy Williamson
1930 : Rolf Harris
1941 : Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues)
1943 : Kenny Forssi (Love)
1944 : Ronnie Rice (The New Colony Six)
1945 : Eric Clapton (born Eric Patrick Clapp)
1948 : Jim “Dandy” Mangrum (Black Oak Arkansas)
1950 : Dave Ball (Procol Harum)
1955 : Randy VanWarmer
1963 : MC Hammer
1964 : Tracy Chapman
1968 : Celine Dion
1979 : Norah Jones
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s the difference between an opera and an operetta?
My guess would be that operettas are just teeny, tiny, little operas. I’d be wrong. Operas are usually sung through, having little or no spoken dialogue. Operettas are less serious, with frothy, sentimental plots that have happy endings. They have spoken dialogue and simpler, easier to whistle music. They also tend to have more dancing than do operas. It’s from operettas that the modern musical evolved.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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I always have the last laugh. That’s because it usually takes me longer to get the joke. — Jonny Diaz
Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo on cat videos: So far we’re 0-3 on trying out things on our cat that we saw in viral videos.
What puts Moriah Peters and her cat to sleep? Moriah posted that it includes: Twisted limbs, Confined breathing spaces, 80+ degree humid temperatures, and Loud noises
Advice from Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey: If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!
Be on the lookout for a second band featuring Casting Crowns guitarist Jaun Devevo. He posted: Is there a band called “Minimum Requirements” yet? If not, I’d like to announce my side project…
The Nashville-based nonprofit foundation founded by Danny Gokey has paid $1.4 million for 59.3 acres in Antioch with plans to eventually build a transitional housing complex. According to a story in The Tennessean, Sophia’s Heart Foundation plans to use an existing building on the property for an information and referral program for homeless families. An equestrian therapy program and a community garden also are planned for adjacent land. Construction plans are currently also being drawn up for the transitional housing facility, which would house up to 30 families. That complex is expected to be completed in late 2017.
Building 429’s Jason Roy may have to find a new place to record. The front man for the band returned home for the Easter holiday weekend and posted: My studio is now a rehearsal hall for my sons band… What??? How did that happen?? http://twitter.com/jasonroy429/status/713391851198353408/video/1
Ben Calhoun of Citizenway was featured as part of the Passion Art Walk in Franklin, Tennessee this weekend. He posted: was Me and my homegirl, and by homegirl I mean she’s literally my next door neighbor, Janice Gaines, sang today with my homeboy, Josh Calhoun, and by homeboy I mean he’s literally my brother. We sang about Jesus and it was like awesome and stuff.
Group 1 Crew announced over the weekend that their new record is coming out in July. Front man Manny posted: Been through a lot and just grateful that God is faithful. Doesn’t matter what happens with the record, the only thing that matters is someone gets blessed.
How early were you up on Easter Sunday morning. Aaron Shust posted: Woke up at 2:30a to prep for the 39th annual Easter Sunrise Service at Seaworld Orlando this morning.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
North Korea has released a propaganda video depicting a nuclear attack on Washington and warning the U.S. not to provoke them. ***But their filmmaking skills are about the same as their weapon-making skills, and the video is filled with scenes from the movie War Games spliced in with explosions from TV’s “The A-Team.”
California is raising the minimum wage to $15-an-hour by the year 2022. ***Which, by then might actually buy you a quarter pounder with cheese.
Some Donald Trump supporters are threatening violence and even beheading to everyone who objects to Trump’s controversial rhetoric. *** Beheadings?!?! Since when does ISIS rally for U.S. Presidential candidates?
The US Secret Service has ruled that there will be no guns allowed at the Republican National Convention this summer in Cleveland. ***You’re going to leave people with no way to protect themselves? In Cleveland?!?!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
If you’re looking to get the most out of your regular workout, then head outdoors. New research has found that any exercise will help deal with stress, but working out in natural environments is much better for your mental health than working out in a gym. ***MARLAR: Right. Because I feel SO much better when I’m sweating in the humidity while getting a sunburn and swatting away mosquitoes.
A recent study shows that sitting too much may increase the risk of disability in older Americans. ***This is awkward – bad news that you can’t break to someone by saying “you’d better sit down”.
Spending hours playing violent video games stunts teenagers’ emotional growth, a study has found. It is thought that regular exposure to violence and lack of contact with the outside world makes it harder for them to tell right from wrong. They also struggle to trust other people, and see the world from their perspective. Researchers from Brock University in Ontario found that those who spend more than three hours each day in front of the screen are particularly unlikely to have developed the ability to empathize. ***MARLAR: So if you get attacked by a horde of zombies and your entire family is bitten and transform into the undead and they are all chasing after you to eat your brains – don’t complain to a teenager, they’re not going to care.
Train Up a Child In the Way They Should… Phone? Moms are sharing their smartphones and other technologies with their kids, some as young as one year old. Moms use gadgets such as smartphones to keep their kids quiet and engaged. During car travel, DVD players and Nintendo DS have highest use, followed by smartphones. Moms now load up their phones with games and music selections specifically for their kids. ***MARLAR: But it can be embarrassing – especially when your husband calls and the ringtone switches to “The Cow Goes Mooooo…”
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Olives”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Dollar Store”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was generously helping his niece, Rita with her math homework. Well, “helping” isn’t the right word, because the truth of the matter is that Rita wasn’t doing any of the work herself – she was letting her uncle answer all of the questions for her.
CLOSE: Unbelievable! Even though Racquet knows he shouldn’t do the work for Rita, he ends up doing it anyway – because she’s learned how to manipulate him. She’s pretty smart… but what happens when they finally DO get to long division? Find out, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 01/03
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, the singing Cheetah Sisters weren’t getting along very well – mostly because Cheetah Bonita’s new song had no room for anyone but her. No three-part harmonies, just Cheetah Bonita singing solo. Not only that, but she refused to sing any other songs!
CLOSE: Do you think this is why other music groups break up? Find out what happens next time on As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Coca-Cola is being sued… by a Judge!
A German judge is suing Coca-Cola, accusing them of causing his diabetes because he drank two cans a day – which he says contributed to his getting the disease and because they never put a warning on the can to the effect of, “not for long-term consumption.” He plans a similar lawsuit against the Mars candy company. ***MARLAR: The scariest part of this story is not that he might win his lawsuit, but that he’s a JUDGE and bringing this thing to court. Unbelievable.
TOP TEN USES FOR THE EMPTY TOMB
- A storage locker for teens until they turn twenty-four. Just make sure you roll the stone back in place!
- The set for the new reality show — “ex-soldier stories”! (Matt. 28:4)
- The collective graveyard for all the single socks of the world to unite!
- The perfect solution for your ONE weakness — your Bay City Rollers collection!
- Transform it into a home for over-the-hill garden gnomes and pink flamingos!
- Post a sign: “The Ultimate Getaway Location!”
- Entomb all copies of “The Dukes of Hazzard” movie!
- Entomb all copies of “Gilligan’s Island” before Hollywood can make the movie!
- As a place to store the empty cross!
- As a reminder that when it seems the most impossible, God keeps His promises!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Police say a man used a pitchfork to attempt to rob a Key West bank.
FILE #1: Fred Simunovic was charged with armed robbery after police spotted him at the Key West ferry terminal trying to sail to Fort Myers. Police say Simunovic threatened a teller at the Keys Federal Credit Union with a pitchfork in a trash bag, then ran out with an undisclosed amount of money. Police found Simunovic fleeing for the ferry.
FILE #2: Three Scottish store robbers took $30,000 worth of cash, stamps and phone cards from a store. They also decided to disable the store’s video cameras. Apparently, they were having trouble seeing what they were doing though, and removed their masks so they could better see the cameras. Of course, that made it easier for the police to see them too… and the men were quickly arrested, using the close-up pictures from the security camera system as evidence.
FILE #3: A Minnesota man called police to report that a safe containing cash was stolen from his house. So police arrived only to find bicycle tracks leading away from the scene of the crime and the bicycle tracks eventually led to the crooks demise. You see, officers noticed that the rider stopped frequently, leaving a square imprint in the snow at each stop – an imprint the same size as the stolen safe. The trail eventually led to the man’s backyard, where police found the safe and arrested a 20 year old man in the yard. And yes, the bike was stolen too.
STRANGE LAW: You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a New Hampshire tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
If you’re planning on creating a club for illegal activities, it’s probably best not to advertise it.
A Springfield, Illinois man was arrested just hours after emailing the media about his medical marijuana club. Officers arrested Scott Carriere, seized 50 marijuana plants and up to 500-grams of the drug. Carriere says he gave his name and address to officials and sent an email about the club to local reporters. His email states “I have opened a medical marijuana club in Springfield. I just wanted you to know. It is currently being run out of my residence. I am accepting customers and suppliers. Thank you.” The email also included his home address.
Do you hide spare keys outside your house? A friend of mine hides hers under a flower pot. But I told her that’s the first place thieves will look! And you certainly don’t want to put a key under your doormat or above the door! So, where are the best places outside to hide a house key?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Which group did not believe in the resurrection from the dead?
ANSWER: Sadducees (Matthew 22:23)
QUESTION: A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler. The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book. After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?
ANSWER: The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.
QUESTION: What was the picture on the cover of the very first LIFE magazine?
ANSWER: In 1936 the cover of the first issue of Life magazine carried a photo of a doctor slapping a newborn baby and the caption, “Life begins!”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The Mississippi River is the longest in the world. (False – at 4,145 miles, it’s the Nile River)
- Easter is the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after March 21. (True)
- When England and the American colonies adopted the Gregorian calendar on September 14th, 1752, eleven days disappeared. (True)
- The Concord travels so fast that it’s possible to arrive at your destinations 2 hours earlier than when you left your departure city. (True. Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.)
- If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight hours for people on earth to be aware of the fact. (False – eight minutes.)
- If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is exactly one million. (False – it’s 5,050)
- The first city to have over a million in population was Chicago, IL. (False – London, England.)
- Since 1972, about 1 trillion cans have been produced. (False -3 trillion. Placed end-to-end, they could stretch to the moon about a thousand times.)
- A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court. (True)
- Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
THE DRACULA _______ RETURNS! (FISH)
LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!
Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish, who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.
The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish: that is half-human, half-fish. He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night. The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.
“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”
“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now. We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof. We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The manager of a Mega-Store came to check on his new salesman. “How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked.
“One,” replied the new guy.
“Only one?” said the boss. “How much was the sale?”
The salesman answered, “$85,334.”
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
“First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. “Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he’d need a boat – he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV.”
The amazed boss asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”
“No,” the new salesman replied. “He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife’s migraine. I told him, ‘Your weekend’s shot. You should probably go fishing.'”
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with… “I think I’d throw up!”
One night my Dad, a retired U. S. Army Colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, he exclaimed, “That’s Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him.”
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly remarked……
“You know you’re getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news.”
Being a workaholic is so common in Japan that workers have trouble unwinding and relaxing during a week’s vacation. ***MARLAR: I know what a vacation is – but what is the word “workaholic”? I refuse to believe that’s a real word.
A man in Dallas led police on an hour-long, high-speed chase because he was trying to get his dying cat to the vet. ***MARLAR: And, sadly, the cat lost the remainder of its nine lives from watching the guy’s driving.
BRINGING A RABBIT BACK TO LIFE
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. The back of the can reads, “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
COCA-COLA FROM YOUR FAUCET
It sounds like every kid’s dream: Coca-Cola flowing out of the faucet just like water. The dream could be a reality. According to a spokesperson for Coke, the company has developed a system, which would supply the soft drink to apartment blocks through a central source. A vat of concentrated syrup in the basement would be mixed with purified water and supplied on demand to residents. ***MARLAR: Now all you need is a sliding glass door and a fry vat! “Would you like fries with your tap-water Coke?”
But you brought us to a place of great abundance.—Psalm 66:12
Three powerful verses in Proverbs 11 remind us of the ageless principles of giving. First, you cannot outgive God. Proverbs 11:24 says, “It is possible to give freely and become more wealthy, but those who are stingy will lose everything.” Giving is the secret to abundance and increase. Second, if you purpose in life to “refresh others” (Proverbs 11:25) and not just be concerned for yourself, God will be sure to supply your own needs as well. You must make it your goal in life to bring joy and happiness to others through generously giving to them. You will be personally refreshed from watching their joy, and God will make certain that someone comes along occasionally to refresh you! Finally, if you hoard what you have been given instead of sharing it, you will be cursed instead of blessed (Proverbs 11:26). Because giving is so much a part of God’s nature, your gift brings you into His heavenly economy. Even though you may have a need, invest in others, and you will gain, prosper, and be crowned with blessing!
–By Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHO HATES BOYS?
Read: Titus 2:1-8
Treat younger men as brothers. –1 Timothy 5:1
Apparently, the market is bad for “snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Or, to quote author Christina Hoff Summers, “It’s a bad time to be a boy in America.”
She might have a point. In her newest book The War Against Boys, Summers claims that in today’s politically correct environment, boys are punished for doing what boys are more likely to do–playing hard, refusing to sit still in class and work–basically just being boys.
She claims that many people in our society today are promoting feminine qualities instead. The result is that young boys are taught that their natural behavior is wrong; it’s even an unhealthy condition that requires therapy or prescription drugs.
“Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance,” Summers writes. “Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized [treated as if they are sick].”
The differences between boys and girls seem as apparent as they have for centuries. Even in his letter to Titus, Paul gave his younger disciple specific instructions for older and younger men and women.
It’s not surprising that Paul’s first advice was to “encourage the young men to be self-controlled” (Titus 2:6). (Do I hear a shout from the ladies?) In fairness, Paul also suggested self-control by older men and younger women. His words that follow encourage young men to integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech.
Gender differences cause lots of arguments. But there is one obvious similarity: Both men and women must submit to God’s standards for the way we should behave. Perhaps the most liberating thing anyone can do–male or female–is to ignore a cultural standard for behavior and rely on the Word of God.
Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. The most important issue, however, is that believers in Jesus Christ must be believers. Beyond that, the sugar and spice and snips and snails become much easier to deal with. –JC
THE CROOKED POLICE STATION
There’s something crooked at police headquarters near the nation’s capital. In fact, just about everything is crooked because the police headquarters in this Washington suburb is sinking. Alexandria’s Public Safety Center is built on a landfill and has sunk four inches in the last 14 years. The floor is so slanted, barbells in the police weight room roll away. The police union says the crooked department is a safety hazard. But county officials say it’s more like a nuisance and renovations are under study. ***MARLAR: In the meantime, capturing criminals for bribery is a lot easier because crooks keep hearing about the crooked police station and think it applies to the officers as well.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Do you have trouble getting to sleep at night? We might have an easy solution for you!
If you have trouble getting shut-eye, you might want to get a cat. Researchers in France say that people who cuddle up with a cat report more satisfying sleep than people who don’t own cats. What’s more, having two, three or four cats is even better. ***MARLAR: But once you get to about 18, then you become a crazy cat lady. Albeit, a well-rested, crazy cat lady.
JUST FOR FUN
What’s the worst thing you’ve dropped in the toilet and had to fish out?
Police in North Platte, Nebraska, have a case with bite. They were called to the home of a 55-year-old woman who dropped her false teeth in the toilet. The toilet backed up and the lady’s boyfriend called a plumber. The plumber charged $50 to retrieve the dentures, which the boyfriend paid. But the boyfriend refused to give the teeth to woman until he was paid back. ***MARLAR: Truth be known, he thought that keeping her false teeth would give him some peace and quiet for a while.
ACTUAL DRIVING ACCIDENT EXCUSES
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. (thank goodness… imagine if he did own that tree yet it was still at the wrong house – how would you explain that?!?)
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. (I’m sure that did the trick)
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. (I’d fall asleep after driving for forty years too!)
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. (I have problems with my universal joint all the time too… I find BenGay works wonders though)
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. (I think the term “parked” needs to be explained a bit further to this guy)
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident. (So now the accident is the sign’s fault. It must be – after all, it just jumped right out of nowhere! )
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull. (from the sound of this statement, I don’t doubt it)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Want to percolate new friends, make your spouse see things your way or help a stubborn co-worker loosen up and come around to your way of thinking?
…Treat them to a coffee break, complete with a refill. New research says a moderate amount of caffeine, such as that found in two cups of coffee increases the ability to be influenced. And since The European Journal of Social Psychology study also proves that people are more susceptible to suggestion first thing in the morning, a strong brew gives you a double shot at peddling your influence. ***MARLAR: Now you know why I’m such a pushover when you call to request a song. (audio clip)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A Wisconsin teacher recently made the potentially life-changing announcement that she was going to donate a kidney to her student. According to ABC News, The Oakfield Elementary School District first-grade teacher surprised the family of student Natasha Fuller with the news that she was a match to donate a kidney during a recent parent teacher conference. Jodi Schmidt started the process in December and had just recently found out she was a match to be a donor for Natasha.
Six unexpected ways you might be making life more difficult than it has to be.
- You’re Hitched Up to the Gigantic Dead Weight Called Unforgiveness
- You’re Trying to Solve Your Big Life Problems Late at Night
- You’re Secretly Searching for Perfection
- You Don’t Utilize an Entrepreneurial Mindset Enough
- You’re on Social Media Way Too Much
- You’re Trying to Figure All This Out on Your Own
People who quit smoking all at once are more likely to be successful than those who cut down on cigarettes gradually. According to an NBC News report, researchers randomly assigned almost 700 adult smokers to either an abrupt quitting or gradual reduction group. In the gradual group, the nurse created a reduction schedule for participants to cut back on cigarettes by 75 percent over two weeks, and provided participants with nicotine patches and a choice of short-acting nicotine replacement items. In the abrupt quitting group, the participants were also given nicotine patches but no other items. Four weeks later, 40 percent of the gradual group were still not smoking, compared to 49 percent of the abrupt quit group, as verified by chemical breath analysis. By six months, 15 percent of gradual quitters and 22 percent of abrupt quitters were still abstinent.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.” -Oscar Wilde
“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.” -Will Rogers
“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.” -Wendy Leibman
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 25, 2016…
Batman vs. Superman—Well, it had to happen. If “Cowboys and Aliens” became a movie with Harrison Ford, then Batman can fight Superman in a movie, with assistance by another comic book character. (Guess who?) In this film, Jesse Eisenberg plays an annoying genius who is trying to pit the two world heroes against each other. Batman (Ben Affleck with a stern jaw line like Robo-Cop), it seems, has a disagreement with Superman (Henry Cavill). Also in the cast are Amy Adams and Diane Lane. “Batman vs. Superman” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans..
Justice League vs. Teen Titans—An animated film concerning the young super-powers who have to learn to work as a team. Voices of Jon Bernthal, Jerry O’Connell and Rosario Dawson. “Justice League vs. Teen Titans” is rated PG. No rating.
The Disappoints Room—Another horror film concerning a mother and son moving into an old mansion (sigh). This one stars Kate Beckinsale, Gerald McRaney and Duncan Joiner. This mansion happens to be in the Deep South. “The Disappointments Room” is rated PG-13. No rating.
Big Fat Greek Wedding 2—A continuation of the last Big Fat Greek Wedding. In the second film, there is a family secret that comes to light and it involves someone thinking they were already married. The usual suspects are here including Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine and Lainie Kazan. “Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
I Saw The Light—This film, a bio-pic on the life of the late singer Hank Williams, was supposed to have been released last fall. It is now (hopefully) opening and it is good, with British star Tom Hiddleston doing his own singing. Can we say, “wow” now? Also in the cast is Elizabeth Olsen as his wife. Shows the ups and downs of his career. “I Saw The Light” is rated R. Rating of 4.
APRIL 01, 2016…
Collide stars Nicholas Hoult in a story of trying to escape from the mob.
Amityville: The Awakening is a fresh start (again?) of living in a haunted house. Stars Bella Thorne.
Everyone Wants Some is about a 1980’s college baseball team. Stars Blake Jenner.
Pandemic and another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. Stars Missi Pyle and Mekki Phifer.
Meet The Blacks has Mike Epps and his family winning big and leaving Chicago for the West Coast.
Miles Ahead stars Don Cheadle as the late jazz musician Miles Davis.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.