March 30, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180330
PDF: 20180330

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Please remember: The calendar may say it’s Spring — but here in (CITY), it’s not officially springtime until a city crew throws a refrigerator or something else large into that pothole on (STREET).

I discovered something on the way to work today. I can save five minutes on my way to work by not stopping at red lights. I figure, you see one red light, you’ve seen ’em all.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“One way to make sure crime doesn’t pay would be to let the government run it.” – Ronald Reagan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. — 1 Samuel 16:7

For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him. — Philippians 1:29

Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. — Isaiah 1:17

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment. — Proverbs 10:21

Thought: Righteous people have a way of blessing others with their words. It may be their word of encouragement, their carefully chosen speech, their advice full of wisdom, their message of comfort, their truth in teaching, or their faithfulness to their promises. No matter what form, the words of righteous people are a blessing. But fools don’t listen to the righteous. They plot their own course refusing truth, wisdom, and godliness only to find their lives lost to meaninglessness and folly.

Prayer: Father God, Author of all truth and wisdom, please give me the ability to discern those around me who are truly righteous and the wisdom to listen to what they say. Please help me avoid the pitfalls of pride and arrogance as I humbly seek to hear your truth in those whose lives are conformed to your character. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 3:30 NIV = He must become greater; I must become less.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MARCH 30, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
269 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is CHECK FOR CHANGE IN EVERY COIN RETURN YOU PASS DAY. ***It’s a habit you get into when you’re working in radio.

Today is NATIONAL BADMINTON DAY.  ***Which makes me wonder, if there’s a Badminton, is there also a Goodminton somewhere? And why aren’t we playing that instead?

It’s PENCIL & ERASER DAY.  It was on this date back in 1858 that Hyman L. Lipman attached an eraser to the end of his pencil.  ***For a while, he erased everything he had written. Then he moved the eraser to the other end of the pencil.

Today is NATIONAL DOCTOR DAY.  Dr. Crawford Long of Georgia became the first doctor to use anesthesia during an operation way back in 1842.  ***Unfortunately, the patient didn’t survive. The next time he performed surgery, he gave the anesthesia to the patient instead of himself – he had much better results that way.

This is NATIONAL BOOK WEEK. ***Yeah, I just read that on my Kindle.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Doctors Day
Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day
I Am In Control Day
Pencil Day
Torrents Day
Virtual Vacation Day
World Bi-polar Day
World Marbles Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MARCH 31

Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Crayon Day
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
Terri’s Day
World Backup Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 01

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
Fan Dance Day
Find A Rainbow Day
Pony Express Day
Tweed Day
Weed Out Hate
World Party Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04

Childhelp National Day of Hope
International Day for Mine Awareness& Assistance in Mine Action
Jeep 4×4 Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
World Rat Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 05

Gold Star Spouses Day
National Fun at Work Day
National Alcohol Screening Day
National Burrito Day
National Deep Dish Pizza Day
Read A Road Map Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 06

Army Day
Charlie the Tuna Day
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
Hospital Admitting Clerks Day
Hostess Twinkie Day
International Day of Sport for Development and Peace
National Pie Day
National Kids Yoga Day
National Student Athlete Day
National Walk To Work Day
New Beers Eve
Tartan Day
Teflon Day
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide
Every Day is Tag Day
International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
International Pillow Fight Day
Metric System Day
National Beer Day
National Girl Me Too Day
National Handmade Day
National Love Our Children Day
No Housework Day
Tangible Karma Day
World Health Day (UN)
World Health Organization Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 08

Buddah Day (Historical Birth Date)
Draw A Bird Day
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Da
y
Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day

MONDAY, APRIL 09

Appomattox Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day (Elephant
s came to US and created the word for “jumbo” meaning “big” in our language.)
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day

ON THIS DAY

1853: Vincent Van Gogh was born. Van Gogh was the eccentric painter who cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend. ***What most people don’t know is that his girlfriend then decided to take him back, but he gave up when he never heard from her.

1855: Kansas voted to retain slavery in one of history’s most unusual elections. Kansas had only 2,000 registered voters, but 6,000 people voted, most of them from Missouri. ***After all, what are neighbors for?

1858: Hymon Lipman of Philadelphia patented the first pencil equipped with an eraser. He made a fortune. ***Because in those days not that many people could write, but almost everybody could erase.

1867: U.S. Secretary of State William Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal widely ridiculed as “Seward’s Folly.”

1957: The single “Fraulein” by Bobby Helms debuted on U.S. country music charts, where it stayed for an incredible 52 weeks.

1964: The TV game show “Jeopardy” debuted on NBC. Art Fleming hosted 2,500 consecutive daytime shows. The later syndicated version was hosted from 1984 by Alex Trebeck. (audio clip)

1970: Polio victim David Ryder left Los Angeles for New York City. He walked 2,960 miles in 4½ months on crutches.

1974: John Denver reached the top of the music charts with, “Sunshine on My Shoulders,” his first number one song. Three other Denver singles reached the top: “Annie’s Song,” “Thank God I’m a Country Boy,” and “I’m Sorry.” “Take Me Home Country Roads” made it to number two.

1981: U.S. President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously injured outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John W. Hinckley Jr. White House press secretary James Brady, a Secret Service agent, and a District of Columbia police officer also were wounded.

1989: Singer Gladys Knight pulled off a first in Las Vegas. For the first time since elementary school, she performed without the Pips.

1990: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S. (audio clip)

1993: South African KwaZulu leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi finished his annual state-of-the-state address to the KwaZulu legislature. He began on March 12 and spoke continuously during weekday business hours. He read 427 pages and waited for the translation from English to Zulu.

1993: In “Peanuts,” Charlie Brown hit his first home run. (audio clip)

1994: Thieves broke into a security company in Bedminster, England, and stole 13 empty safes.

1998: The automaker BMW purchased Rolls-Royce for $570 million.

1999: As he inaugurated a new roller coaster in Williamsburg, Virginia, Fabio got a shock when a bird crashed into his face. Spattered with blood, the model was taken to a local hospital, treated for minor cuts, and released.

2002: The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died in her sleep at Windsor outside London at age 101.

2001: New research showed British women had the most hair-free armpits and legs in Europe. The Austrian study shows 80% of British women regularly shave their legs and armpits. Italy, Spain and France were within 5% of the British total. Austria had Europe’s hairiest women with only 38% of women shaving.

2006: Journalist Jill Carroll, a freelance reporter for the Christian Science Monitor, was freed in Baghdad after being held for 82 days by kidnappers.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1135: Birth of Moses Maimonides, medieval Jewish scholar. Considered the foremost Talmudist of the Middle Ages, his most important writing was Guide to the Perplexed (1190), in which he tried to harmonize Rabbinic Judaism with the increasingly popular Aristotelianism of his day.

1492: The Jews were expelled from Spain by Inquisitor-General Tom’s Torquemada (Spanish Inquisition).

1533: Thomas Cranmer is consecrated Archbishop of Canterbury, England’s highest religious post. Believing himself subject to the king, Henry VIII, he granted the monarch’s annulment ending his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. This touched off the English Reformation, and Cranmer became its chief architect. He is also known for writing the first Book of Common Prayer.

1771: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “Suffer all, and conquer all.”

1820: The first Protestant missionaries arrive at the Sandwich Islands, now known as Hawaii, and are welcomed by King Kamehameha II.

1858: Episcopal minister Dudley Tyne, burdened for the salvation of husbands and fathers, speaks to a rally of 5,000 men in Philadelphia. “I would rather this right arm were amputated at the trunk than that I should come short of my duty to you in delivering God’s message,” he said. Over 1,000 men were converted. Two weeks later, Tyne lost his right arm in a farming accident, and he died soon after. His last words, “Stand up for Jesus, father, and tell my brethren of the ministry to stand up for Jesus,” inspired the hymn “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.

1863: Ownership of Wilberforce University in Ohio was transferred to the African Methodist Episcopal Church. The school had been founded seven years earlier by the Methodist Episcopal Church.

1917: All imperial lands, as well as lands belonging to monasteries, were confiscated by the Russian provisional government.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Mark Vanacore on “Ed”) Michael Genadry 40 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“All My Children”) Mark Consuelos, 48 (audio clip)

  • Model/actress (“Baywatch”) Donna D’Errico, 50 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Ian Ziering, 54 (audio clip)

  • Comedian/actor/writer (“Mad About You”) Paul Reiser, 61 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies) Robbie Coltrane, 68

  • Actor (Bullworth, Bonnie & Clyde, Reds, Dick Tracy) Warren Beatty, 81

  • Actor (“The Addams Family’s” Gomez Addams, Buddy on “Night Court”) John Astin 88 (audio clip)

  • Game show host (“Hollywood Squares”) Peter Marshall, 88 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Frankie Laine

1914 : Sonny Boy Williamson

1930 : Rolf Harris

1941 : Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues)

1943 : Kenny Forssi (Love)

1944 : Ronnie Rice (The New Colony Six)

1945 : Eric Clapton (born Eric Patrick Clapp)

1948 : Jim “Dandy” Mangrum (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Dave Ball (Procol Harum)

1955 : Randy VanWarmer

1963 : MC Hammer

1964 : Tracy Chapman

1968 : Celine Dion

1979 : Norah Jones

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What’s the difference between an opera and an operetta?

My guess would be that operettas are just teeny, tiny, little operas. I’d be wrong. Operas are usually sung through, having little or no spoken dialogue. Operettas are less serious, with frothy, sentimental plots that have happy endings. They have spoken dialogue and simpler, easier to whistle music. They also tend to have more dancing than do operas. It’s from operettas that the modern musical evolved.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

According to a Japanese study, coffee can actually be good for you. Coffee has numerous components – many of them antioxidants – and although too much caffeine can be dehydrating, drinking at least one cup of coffee a day can cut your risk for bleeding in the brain.  ***Bleeding in the brain?!?!  Holy cow – call Juan Valdez, I need a refill… NOW!

Corey Feldman said on Twitter that he was stabbed Wednesday night and has been hospitalized after what he’s calling an “attempted homicide.”  ***His career is already dead – isn’t that enough?

Frank S. Page, a prominent Southern Baptist leader, has resigned because of a “morally inappropriate” relationship.  ***As they say, “Christians aren’t perfect… we’re just forgiven.”  And some of us need more forgiveness than others.

A man in Scotland who broke into sheds and stole inflatable jacuzzis has been jailed. The penalty was harsh because the man carried out the thefts while on bail after a drug bust. In total the man stole three inflatable jacuzzis as well as some Beatles memorabilia. ***And now he’s REALLY in hot water!

Walmart is removing Cosmo from their checkout lines.  ***Much to the chagrin of teenage boys everywhere.

It’s being reported that North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un made a secret trip to China.  ***Really?  If it’s a secret, how come we know about it?

If you kneel down and pray right before robbing a store – does God listen? New York City police are looking for a man who decided to say a quick prayer before breaking into the storefront of a clothing store. Surveillance video shows the unidentified thief taking off his hat as he unknowingly looks directly into the surveillance camera, then makes the sign of the cross. He is then seen taking a large stone and throwing it into the window. Police say the devout man broke into Ziani Fine Italian Clothing in Brooklyn and ran off with about 18 pieces of clothing.  ***Because even bad guys need to look their best for Easter Sunday church service!

NBC claims the number of attendees at last weekend’s March For Our Lives in Washington DC was 800,000, while CBS says it was more like 200,000.  ***That’s a pretty big difference.  Can we trust the news given to us by TV networks that don’t know how to count stuff?

Courtney Love reportedly owes $560,000 in unpaid taxes.  ***She used to live in Nirvana – now she lives in HUD housing.

In Casper, Wyoming, police arrested 20-year-old Gage L. Fisher for allegedly throwing a hot burrito at his younger sister, resulting in a burn on her left arm. The mother of both Fisher and the victim told the officer that the two had gotten into an argument about a cup, with Fisher believing his younger sister had taken the cup from which he had been drinking. The mother told Fisher to leave the house in order to defuse the situation. Fisher then became angry at his mother for taking his sister’s side and reportedly threw a hot burrito, “which had just been removed from the microwave,” at his sister. The burrito hit her arm and caused a burn. The officer photographed the girl’s left arm and saw a red mark “consistent with something hot, like a burrito, striking her,” and arrested Gage.  ***Sounds like Gage should’ve run for the border!

Playboy is the latest company to say they’re going to deactivate its Facebook accounts and leave the social network amid escalating concerns about the platform’s mismanagement of user data.  ***So Playboy is okay with exposing everything – except data.

A survey says 1 in 5 Americans want the 2nd Amendment of the Bill of Rights to be repealed.  ***Which is 1 in 5 too many.  The 2nd Amendment is the most important of all of them – it’s the guns that ensure we keep the rest of our God-given rights.

During their spring break, three young Mississippi boys decided to explore their family property – and found part of a mastodon jawbone! The two brothers and a cousin made the discovery on plowed land near Bovina, a small community east of the Mississippi River. They initially thought their find was a log, then saw that it had teeth. Lynett Welch, mother of the two brothers, says her husband took the item to the Mississippi Museum of Natural Science in Jackson, where paleontology curator George Phillips confirmed it was a lower left jawbone from a mastodon. Phillips says finding half of a mastodon’s lower jaw is “very extraordinary.”  ***You have a horse in your backyard?  Big deal – I’ve got a WOOLY MAMMOTH!!!!

Scientists are now saying that the little rubber ducky your kids play with in the bathtub is actually a haven for bacteria and full of germs.  ***HOW?  Every time it’s used it’s in soapy water – isn’t that supposed to make stuff clean?  If not, why do we bother taking a bath to begin with?

A man who lived and worked at Trinity Episcopal Church in Vero Beach, Florida, got his arm stuck in the church drop box when he “tried to steal the money for drugs,” according to local police. Charles Hinckley, 34, was arrested on burglary charges after officers responded to a call for help and found Hinckley’s right arm was bleeding heavily. After officers freed him from the drop box, he was transported to Indian River County Medical Center for treatment. Detectives said Hinckley admitted to stealing money from the drop box multiple times, along with other thefts of church property.  ***Apparently Officer Karma goes to church.

Caroline Sunshine — best known for her role as Tinka Hessenheffer on the hit Disney show, “Shake It Up” — is taking a job in the White House press office.  ***There is nothing I can say to that to make it sound any more ludicrous.

President Trump made a call this week to Roseanne Barr to congratulate her on the ratings success of her rebooted “Roseanne” show, on which the title character is a Trump supporter.  ***And then immediately asked her if she’d take the job of Secretary of Housing and Development.

It was Charlie Lagarde’s very first day as a legal adult – her 18th birthday – and she managed to set herself up financially for life! Young Miss Lagarde of Canada celebrated her 18th birthday by purchasing a lottery ticket and a bottle of champagne (which 18-year-olds can legally do in Quebec) and ended up winning the jackpot of $1,000 Canadian dollars (around $780 US) a week for life! Lagarde collected the prize this week after taking time to decide she wanted the untaxed weekly payment instead of a lump sum of $1 million Canadian dollars. Lottery officials say the winning scratch card was her first-ever lottery ticket. ***Poor girl.  She’s hit her peak at 18-years-old.  It’s all downhill for her now… poor thing.  I’m not jealous – you’re jealous!

Millennials are changing the way we sleep. Apparently, they don’t feel the need for a top sheet.  ***The lesson to be learned here: don’t ever buy a used mattress from a millennial!

Adam Nimoy, son of the late “Star Trek” icon Leonard Nimoy, and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” actress Terry Farrell married on Monday. That date would have been Leonard Nimoy’s 87th birthday. ***At the end of the marriage ceremony, instead of the kiss, the reverend said, “You may not live long and prosper.”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Turns out Winston Churchill and Fox Mulder could have been BFFs. Just weeks before Britain entered WWII, the former prime minister penned an essay in 1939 titled “Are We Alone in the Universe?” It was only recently discovered and Churchill’s conclusion – we’re probably not alone. He wrote, “I for one, am not so immensely impressed by the success we are making of our civilization here that I am prepared to think we are the only spot in this immense universe which contains living, thinking creatures.”  ***But that was in 1939.  If he’d written it today he’d probably think there was zero intelligent life in the universe, including here on Earth.

Scientists are reportedly testing a new anti-aging drug designed to lengthen the life of dogs.  ***Meanwhile, the two-year lifespan of sea monkeys goes completely ignored.

Your underwear is dirty — even the undergarments that just came out of the dryer, smelling as sweet as a spring morning. Why? 25% of home washing machines are contaminated with fecal bacteria, according to Dr. Charles Gerba of the University of Arizona in Tucson. How does this happen? While it has never been proven that bacteria on clothing spread illness, Gerba says that each pair of dirty underwear contains about one-tenth of a gram of bacteria-carrying feces, which is about the same size as a quarter of a peanut. Detergent and water remove 99% of those nasty organisms — but not all of them. Why? Most of us do not use hot water to wash our clothes and even fewer use bleach. ***Well… I definitely will NOW!

The Center for Science in the Public Interest is warning people not to drink sodas.  ***And why shouldn’t they warn us?  They’ve already warned us not to eat any food on Earth, so it’s not like we need to wash anything down.

Want to avoid getting a cold? Get a tattoo. Those who have multiple tattoos have a stronger immune system than those who aren’t inked, which makes them better able to fight infections. But there is just one catch: Receiving just one tattoo has the opposite effect, lowering your resistance to germs, according to a trio of researchers from the University of Alabama. It all began when Dr. Christopher Lynn, an associate professor of anthropology, received a tattoo and realized he was physically drained from the process. “They don’t just hurt while you get the tattoo, but they can exhaust you,” Lynn said. “It’s easier to get sick. You can catch a cold because your defenses are lowered from the stress of getting a tattoo.” The body’s response to tattooing is akin to that experienced from exercising in the gym when you’re out of shape. Initially, muscles become sore, but if you continue, the soreness fades and the muscles become stronger following subsequent workouts. “After the stress response, your body returns to an equilibrium,” Lynn said. “However, if you continue to stress your body over and over again, instead of returning to the same set point, it adjusts its internal set points and moves higher.” Translation: Repeated tattooing makes your immune system stronger.  ***Umm, no thanks… I’ll just take my horse-pill vitamins.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, everyone was running for their lives to get away from a Razzleflabbin called The Plaid Guy! Nobody knew why they were scared of him, but they were all terrified… and the Plaid Guy was about to catch Marvy when Marvy finally ducked behind a tree!

CLOSE: The Plaid Guy doesn’t seem all that scary anymore… but is it a trick? Is he really a nice guy, or is he secretly plotting to use Marvy to get the other Razzleflabbins to come out so he can get them all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Coca-Cola is being sued… by a Judge!

A German judge is suing Coca-Cola, accusing them of causing his diabetes because he drank two cans a day – which he says contributed to his getting the disease and because they never put a warning on the can to the effect of, “not for long-term consumption.” He plans a similar lawsuit against the Mars candy company. ***MARLAR: The scariest part of this story is not that he might win his lawsuit, but that he’s a JUDGE and bringing this thing to court. Unbelievable.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN USES FOR THE EMPTY TOMB

10. A storage locker for teens until they turn twenty-four. Just make sure you roll the stone back in place!

9. The set for the new reality show — “ex-soldier stories”! (Matt. 28:4)

8. The collective graveyard for all the single socks of the world to unite!

7. The perfect solution for your ONE weakness — your Bay City Rollers collection!

6. Transform it into a home for over-the-hill garden gnomes and pink flamingos!

5. Post a sign: “The Ultimate Getaway Location!”

4. Entomb all copies of “The Dukes of Hazzard” movie!

3. Entomb all copies of “Gilligan’s Island” before Hollywood can make the movie!

2. As a place to store the empty cross!

1. As a reminder that when it seems the most impossible, God keeps His promises!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Police say a man used a pitchfork to attempt to rob a Key West bank. 

FILE #1: Fred Simunovic was charged with armed robbery after police spotted him at the Key West ferry terminal trying to sail to Fort Myers.  Police say Simunovic threatened a teller at the Keys Federal Credit Union with a pitchfork in a trash bag, then ran out with an undisclosed amount of money.  Police found Simunovic fleeing for the ferry.

FILE #2: Three Scottish store robbers took $30,000 worth of cash, stamps and phone cards from a store. They also decided to disable the store’s video cameras. Apparently, they were having trouble seeing what they were doing though, and removed their masks so they could better see the cameras. Of course, that made it easier for the police to see them too… and the men were quickly arrested, using the close-up pictures from the security camera system as evidence.

FILE #3: A Minnesota man called police to report that a safe containing cash was stolen from his house. So police arrived only to find bicycle tracks leading away from the scene of the crime and the bicycle tracks eventually led to the crooks demise. You see, officers noticed that the rider stopped frequently, leaving a square imprint in the snow at each stop – an imprint the same size as the stolen safe. The trail eventually led to the man’s backyard, where police found the safe and arrested a 20 year old man in the yard. And yes, the bike was stolen too.

STRANGE LAW: You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a New Hampshire tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

If you’re planning on creating a club for illegal activities, it’s probably best not to advertise it.

A Springfield, Illinois man was arrested just hours after emailing the media about his medical marijuana club.  Officers arrested Scott Carriere, seized 50 marijuana plants and up to 500-grams of the drug.  Carriere says he gave his name and address to officials and sent an email about the club to local reporters.  His email states “I have opened a medical marijuana club in Springfield. I just wanted you to know. It is currently being run out of my residence.  I am accepting customers and suppliers. Thank you.”  The email also included his home address.

PHONER PHUN

Do you hide spare keys outside your house? A friend of mine hides hers under a flower pot. But I told her that’s the first place thieves will look! And you certainly don’t want to put a key under your doormat or above the door! So, where are the best places outside to hide a house key?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which group did not believe in the resurrection from the dead?

ANSWER: Sadducees (Matthew 22:23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler. The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book. After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?

ANSWER: The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.

QUESTION: What was the picture on the cover of the very first LIFE magazine?

ANSWER: In 1936 the cover of the first issue of Life magazine carried a photo of a doctor slapping a newborn baby and the caption, “Life begins!”

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Mississippi River is the longest in the world. (False – at 4,145 miles, it’s the Nile River)

2. Easter is the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after March 21. (True)

3. When England and the American colonies adopted the Gregorian calendar on September 14th, 1752, eleven days disappeared. (True)

4. The Concord travels so fast that it’s possible to arrive at your destinations 2 hours earlier than when you left your departure city. (True. Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.)

5. If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight hours for people on earth to be aware of the fact. (False – eight minutes.)

6. If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is exactly one million. (False – it’s 5,050)

7. The first city to have over a million in population was Chicago, IL. (False – London, England.)

8. Since 1972, about 1 trillion cans have been produced. (False -3 trillion. Placed end-to-end, they could stretch to the moon about a thousand times.)

9. A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court. (True)

10. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE DRACULA _______ RETURNS! (FISH)

LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!

Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish,  who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.

The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish:  that is half-human, half-fish.   He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night.  The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.

“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”

“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now.  We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof.  We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The manager of a Mega-Store came to check on his new salesman. “How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked.

“One,” replied the new guy.

“Only one?” said the boss. “How much was the sale?”

The salesman answered, “$85,334.”

Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.

“First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. “Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he’d need a boat – he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV.”

The amazed boss asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”

“No,” the new salesman replied. “He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife’s migraine. I told him, ‘Your weekend’s shot. You should probably go fishing.'”

JOKE #2

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with… “I think I’d throw up!”

JOKE #3

One night my Dad, a retired U. S. Army Colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, he exclaimed, “That’s Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him.”

Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly remarked……

“You know you’re getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news.”

USELESS FACTS

Being a workaholic is so common in Japan that workers have trouble unwinding and relaxing during a week’s vacation.  ***I know what a vacation is – but what is the word “workaholic”?  I refuse to believe that’s a real word.

In 1907, an ad campaign for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to any woman who would wink at her grocer. ***Do that today and you’re arrested for sexual harassment.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BRINGING A RABBIT BACK TO LIFE

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. The back of the can reads, “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

COCA-COLA FROM YOUR FAUCET

It sounds like every kid’s dream: Coca-Cola flowing out of the faucet just like water. The dream could be a reality. According to a spokesperson for Coke, the company has developed a system, which would supply the soft drink to apartment blocks through a central source. A vat of concentrated syrup in the basement would be mixed with purified water and supplied on demand to residents. ***MARLAR: Now all you need is a sliding glass door and a fry vat! “Would you like fries with your tap-water Coke?”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

But you brought us to a place of great abundance.—Psalm 66:12

Three powerful verses in Proverbs 11 remind us of the ageless principles of giving. First, you cannot outgive God. Proverbs 11:24 says, “It is possible to give freely and become more wealthy, but those who are stingy will lose everything.” Giving is the secret to abundance and increase. Second, if you purpose in life to “refresh others” (Proverbs 11:25) and not just be concerned for yourself, God will be sure to supply your own needs as well. You must make it your goal in life to bring joy and happiness to others through generously giving to them. You will be personally refreshed from watching their joy, and God will make certain that someone comes along occasionally to refresh you! Finally, if you hoard what you have been given instead of sharing it, you will be cursed instead of blessed (Proverbs 11:26). Because giving is so much a part of God’s nature, your gift brings you into His heavenly economy. Even though you may have a need, invest in others, and you will gain, prosper, and be crowned with blessing!

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHO HATES BOYS?

Read: Titus 2:1-8

Treat younger men as brothers. –1 Timothy 5:1

Apparently, the market is bad for “snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Or, to quote author Christina Hoff Summers, “It’s a bad time to be a boy in America.”

She might have a point. In her newest book The War Against Boys, Summers claims that in today’s politically correct environment, boys are punished for doing what boys are more likely to do–playing hard, refusing to sit still in class and work–basically just being boys.

She claims that many people in our society today are promoting feminine qualities instead. The result is that young boys are taught that their natural behavior is wrong; it’s even an unhealthy condition that requires therapy or prescription drugs.

“Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance,” Summers writes. “Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized [treated as if they are sick].”

The differences between boys and girls seem as apparent as they have for centuries. Even in his letter to Titus, Paul gave his younger disciple specific instructions for older and younger men and women.

It’s not surprising that Paul’s first advice was to “encourage the young men to be self-controlled” (Titus 2:6). (Do I hear a shout from the ladies?) In fairness, Paul also suggested self-control by older men and younger women. His words that follow encourage young men to integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech.

Gender differences cause lots of arguments. But there is one obvious similarity: Both men and women must submit to God’s standards for the way we should behave. Perhaps the most liberating thing anyone can do–male or female–is to ignore a cultural standard for behavior and rely on the Word of God.

Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. The most important issue, however, is that believers in Jesus Christ must be believers. Beyond that, the sugar and spice and snips and snails become much easier to deal with. –JC

LEFTOVERS

THE CROOKED POLICE STATION

There’s something crooked at police headquarters near the nation’s capital. In fact, just about everything is crooked because the police headquarters in this Washington suburb is sinking. Alexandria’s Public Safety Center is built on a landfill and has sunk four inches in the last 14 years. The floor is so slanted, barbells in the police weight room roll away. The police union says the crooked department is a safety hazard. But county officials say it’s more like a nuisance and renovations are under study. ***MARLAR: In the meantime, capturing criminals for bribery is a lot easier because crooks keep hearing about the crooked police station and think it applies to the officers as well.

LIFE… LIVE IT

CATNAP

Do you have trouble getting to sleep at night? We might have an easy solution for you!

If you have trouble getting shut-eye, you might want to get a cat. Researchers in France say that people who cuddle up with a cat report more satisfying sleep than people who don’t own cats. What’s more, having two, three or four cats is even better. ***MARLAR: But once you get to about 18, then you become a crazy cat lady. Albeit, a well-rested, crazy cat lady.

JUST FOR FUN

What’s the worst thing you’ve dropped in the toilet and had to fish out?

Police in North Platte, Nebraska, have a case with bite. They were called to the home of a 55-year-old woman who dropped her false teeth in the toilet. The toilet backed up and the lady’s boyfriend called a plumber. The plumber charged $50 to retrieve the dentures, which the boyfriend paid. But the boyfriend refused to give the teeth to woman until he was paid back. ***MARLAR: Truth be known, he thought that keeping her false teeth would give him some peace and quiet for a while.

FUN LIST

ACTUAL DRIVING ACCIDENT EXCUSES

  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. (thank goodness… imagine if he did own that tree yet it was still at the wrong house – how would you explain that?!?)
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. (I’m sure that did the trick)
  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. (I’d fall asleep after driving for forty years too!)
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. (I have problems with my universal joint all the time too… I find BenGay works wonders though)
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. (I think the term “parked” needs to be explained a bit further to this guy)
  • As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident. (So now the accident is the sign’s fault. It must be – after all, it just jumped right out of nowhere! )
  • I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull. (from the sound of this statement, I don’t doubt it)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Want to percolate new friends, make your spouse see things your way or help a stubborn co-worker loosen up and come around to your way of thinking?

…Treat them to a coffee break, complete with a refill. New research says a moderate amount of caffeine, such as that found in two cups of coffee increases the ability to be influenced. And since The European Journal of Social Psychology study also proves that people are more susceptible to suggestion first thing in the morning, a strong brew gives you a double shot at peddling your influence.  ***MARLAR: Now you know why I’m such a pushover when you call to request a song. (audio clip)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

I might have to try this one – as I almost always need an afternoon nap.  If you love naps but hate that groggy post-snooze feeling, try a coffee nap. Here’s how it works: Drink a cup of java, then get 20 to 30 minutes of rest. Caffeine’s effects take around a half hour to peak, so you’ll get a burst of alertness when you wake up, says Health’s contributing nutrition editor, Cynthia Sass, R.D., leaving you ready to crush the rest of your day. (Health)

When you take acetaminophen, the main ingredient in Tylenol, it does more than relieve your pain. The popular medication also reduces your empathy, that is how much you are able to understand the physical and social pain and suffering others feel, according to researchers from The Ohio State University in Columbus. Acetaminophen is the most common drug ingredient in the United States and is found in more than 600 different medicines, according to the Consumer Healthcare Products Association. Each week about 23 percent of American adults (roughly 52 million people) use a medicine containing acetaminophen.

Should you eat or fast before hitting the gym or going out for a long run? The answer: fast. In the first study of its kind, researchers from the University of Bath in the United Kingdom showed the effects of eating — or not — before exercise on gene expression in adipose tissue (that is, fat issue). If you eat before you exercise, your fat tissue is so busy responding to the meal you have consumed that it won’t have the same positive effect on that fat tissue while you exercise. That means that you should exercise on an empty stomach for the most favorable changes in fat tissue and for the best long-term health benefits.

I’m not going to tell you what your kids should or should not do… but here’s a new study to take into consideration regarding the rules you make for your kids.  Apparently, it’s more important than ever to monitor your children’s movie selections. In a study of nearly 3,600 middle school age children, Dartmouth researchers found that those who were allowed to watch R-rated movies are far more likely to start drinking alcohol at an early age. The kids were questioned at the outset of the study and followed up two years later. Only 3 percent of the tweens who were restricted from watching R-rated movies had started drinking alcohol. This compared with 19 percent of those who were sometimes allowed to watch R movies and 25 percent of those who were always allowed and had started drinking. Concluded Dr. James Sargent: “We think seeing the adult content actually changes their personality.”

It’s more important than ever to monitor your children’s movie selections. In a study of nearly 3,600 middle school age children, Dartmouth researchers found that those who were allowed to watch R-rated movies are far more likely to start drinking alcohol at an early age. The kids were questioned at the outset of the study and followed up two years later. Only 3 percent of the tweens who were restricted from watching R-rated movies had started drinking alcohol. This compared with 19 percent of those who were sometimes allowed to watch R movies and 25 percent of those who were always allowed and had stared drinking. Concluded Dr. James Sargent: “We think seeing the adult content actually changes their personality.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Not many people would give up the opportunity to win the $1 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot – but a gas station clerk in Salina, Kansas did just that.  When an unnamed cashier found a lottery ticket on the floor of the gas station, he checked to see if the slip had the owner’s name written on it.  He was flabbergasted to see that the ticket contained the winning numbers worth $1 million. The drama further intensified when they saw the ticket was unsigned, meaning that anyone could claim it as their own.  Instead of claiming the ticket for himself, the clerk called the store listed on the slip to see if they could find the original buyer.   “My brother went in to check my tickets. He apparently dropped the unsigned Mega Millions ticket, and then we left to go back home,” the winner told the Kansas lottery.  “We had already been home for about an hour, and then went out and ran another errand. As we passed the store, the owner’s son pulled out behind us and flagged us down. He explained what happened and handed me the ticket, and I just couldn’t believe it!”  The clerk decided his good deed should remain anonymous, but, if you’re out there listening to this, we want to say ‘Well done!’ (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

A man in Alabama says that it’s a constitutional right for his daughter to be a cheerleader at her school!

(From 2014) James Smith is the father of a girl that wanted to be a cheerleader at her school in Vestavia Hills, Alabama. Many dads would be proud to see their daughters become a cheerleader. But unfortunately, Mr. Smith’s daughter did not make the squad… so he decided to sue. In fact, he claimed it was unconstitutional for her NOT to be on the cheerleading squad! (We have a constitutional right to be a cheerleader? What amendment is that?) He says that not making the team has caused his daughter humiliation and mental anguish. He even took his case to federal court, claiming that Vestavia Hills High School discriminated against his daughter, Laura, deprived her of due process and equal protection and violated rights guaranteed by the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments. ***MARLAR: The Fifth Amendment… isn’t that the one where you refuse to answer questions on the grounds it may incriminate you? What on EARTH HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH CHEERLEADING?!? And the Fourteenth Amendment guarantees that all US citizens get equal protection under the law. Again, what on EARTH HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH CHEERLEADING?!?! You know, I never made the football team. Maybe I should sue too. I was a senior in high school when a lost the lead role to a freshman in the musical “Oklahoma”… perhaps I should sue. You know, I never did receive an award for best singer in the state even though I tried really hard… I should sue for that too! I’ve never won an award for my radio show – maybe I can sue for that? I have yet to be asked to appear on Comedy Central or to star in my own J.J. Abrahms film.  Where’s the number to my lawyer?!?!?

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you had to choose between eating pizza every day or being skinny the rest of your life…would you choose thin crust or pan crust?

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.” -Oscar Wilde

“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.” -Will Rogers

“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.” -Wendy Leibman

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One—Steven Spielberg directs this film that is based on an Ernest Cline novel from 2011. It is a science fiction film, set in 2045 and in a world where the reality everyone lives in is just too hard to bear. People live in barren cities and use a virtual reality world to exist. The outside world is something like “Blade Runner.”  Enter Mark Rylance (remember him from “Dunkirk”) as the man who is head of the Oasis Corporation, along with Simon Pegg. In Mark’s later years. they set up a game called “Anorak,” supposed to be unsolvable. Well, tell that to teens. If you win the game, you get an enormous amount of money and life away from this present place. Now,  everyone goes to solve the game, so if you don’t play, it means, you like to remain just where you are. “Ready Player One” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Acrimony—Taraji P. Henson, who makes a name for herself in the television series, “Empire,” now plays a betrayed wife in Tyler Perry’s newest film, “Acrimony.” Woe to the husband, played by Lyriq Bent. Also in the cast is Crystie Stewart. “Acrimony” is rated R. No rating.

Loveless (opening in select cities)—A husband and a wife (Boris and Zenya) quarrel all the time. They don’t seem to notice their son, Alyosha.  One day, after a heated argument, they notice the boy is missing A massive search begins, and in the meantime, how does the couple deal with this enormous loss—a missing child. “Loveless” is rated R. Rating of 2. Subtitles.

APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Never Really Here has Joaquin Phoenix in a thriller about a kidnapped young woman.

Blockers is a comedy starring John Cena about a father trying to stop his daughter from serious dating.

A Quiet Place has John Krasinski as the actor/writer/director of this thriller that also stars his wife, Emily Blunt. Keep quiet when the prowlers come.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.