May 01, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180501
PDF: 20180501

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We have a great show for you today — especially if you’re one of our regular listeners and don’t expect much anyway.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“When we (the Democrats) got into office, the thing that surprised me most was to find that things were just as bad as we’d been saying they were.” – John F. Kennedy

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. — Psalm 143:10

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. — Ephesians 4:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you? — Psalm 85:6

Thought: God loves his children even when they are rebellious. However, God showed Israel that their rebellion would drive his presence and blessing from them. But with their genuine repentance, their confession of sin, God joyously returns to their lives to bring revival, renewal, and restoration. And the same can be said for you and me.

Prayer: Father and Almighty LORD, please forgive me for my sins. I confess them freely to you now… (be specific about sins you want to confess) Having you in my life, honoring your Kingdom with my behavior and honoring your love with my graciousness are very important to me. Please revive me again and empower me to love, good deeds, and holy living so that you will be praised. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 5:1 NIV = Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 01, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
237 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

HOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SAVE THE RHINO DAY. ***Be sure to save your rhino in a cool, dry place so it won’t spoil.

Today is STEPMOTHERS DAY, a day to honor stepmothers who care.  ***I actually do have a stepmother, and I have red hair… so that makes me THE RED HEADED STEP CHILD!

Today is TEEN DAY, a day for teens and adults to talk to each other. ***Because there is a first time for everything.

POSTCARD WEEK.  ***How many people still send postcards?  With the creation of email, why waste a stamp to tell someone “Wish you were here” when in all truthfulness you are where you are in the first place because you needed a vacation from that person?!

Today is MAY DAY, originally a festival in honor of Flora, the Roman goddess of Spring, which is why people use this day to gather flowers and welcome warm weather.  Since we don’t worship Roman gods and goddesses, it doesn’t make much sense to celebrate.  However, in the late 1800s, May Day also became a day to honor workers… which might also explain why today is known as…

Today is LABOR DAY in 140 nations.  Bermuda, Canada, and the U.S. are the only nations that observe Labor Day in September.  ***Can we celebrate today AND in September?  I could really use another vacation day.

This is SENIOR COMEDIANS WEEK. ***As old as their jokes are, I’m guessing the morning team at (COMPETING STATION) began celebrating early.

Today is MOTHER GOOSE DAY. ***To be honest, I don’t think celebrating Mother Goose Day is a good idea in any way whatsoever. I mean, think about it. Take a look at Jack and Jill… Jack falls down and cracks open his skull, and then goes home to mend it with vinegar and brown paper… what kind of medical remedy for a cracked skull is that? Shouldn’t we be telling our kids to dial 911 instead of building a brown paper salad with vinegar dressing on their heads?

Today is NATIONAL ANXIETY DISORDER SCREENING DAY. ***Which reminds me, has anyone seen the boss today?

THIS IS PET WEEK

The kind of pet you choose can be a direct reflection on the type of person you really are. “There’s a powerful connection between people and their pets that’s truly beneficial,” says psychologist Marion Steinberg. “Research has shown you’ll live a longer, happier life if you open your heart to anything from a dog to a parrot.” Steinberg says the latest study proves the animals you choose to love actually highlights your personal traits. So what does your favorite pet say about you? Choose the one you like the best and discover more about yourself.

  • Birds — Fun-loving and adventurous, folks in your inner circle know you’ll try anything once. The trouble is, you don’t always plan ahead to avoid catastrophe. If you curb your impatience, you’ll land on your feet more often than not.

  • Cats — Just like the feline, you’re picky about who you lavish your affection on. You’re a natural-born leader who’s not afraid to stand up for your rights and take charge of a situation. That’s fine because your co-workers respect your ideas.

  • Dogs — You’re a straight shooter, and your pals often ask for your clear-eyed advice and thoughtful observations. A loyal and true friend, you never betray a confidence. Best of all, when you give your friendship, it’s for life.

  • Fish — You’re a creative person who appreciates beauty in all its forms. Friends and family love your generous spirit and unselfish approach to life. You’re also perceptive and observant — a person who’s always in the know.

  • Gerbils/Guinea Pigs — Loved ones are sometimes confused by your behavior. You can be shy and standoffish or outgoing and full of spunk, depending on your mood. But despite the ups and downs, you’re a popular and well-loved person.

  • Pot-belly pigs — You’re intelligent, funny and affectionate. Life is something to be enjoyed to the fullest. But although your friends are the center of your life, you may have a commitment phobia when it comes to love.

  • Rabbits — These indicate you’re a shy yet curious nature, ready for anything.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Batman Day (Also in September)
Beltane
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
Executive Coaching Day
Foster Care Day
Global Love Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Workers Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
May One Day
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Skyscraper Day
Stepmother’s Day
World Asthma Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 02

Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day

THURSDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day
Lag B’Omer
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day

FRIDAY, MAY 04

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
Tuba Day
World Give Day

SATURDAY, MAY 05

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 06

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

TUESDAY, MAY 08

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

ON THIS DAY

1786: In Vienna, the hothead composer Mozart threatened to burn “The Marriage of Figaro” unless it was performed ahead of another composer’s latest opera. Mozart won.

1868: Tom Dula was hanged in North Carolina. A few days earlier, he had composed a song that went, “Hang down your head, Tom Dula, poor boy, you’re goin’ to die.”

1889: The Bayer company of Germany introduced aspirin in powdered form.

1967: Elvis married Priscilla Beaulieu, daughter of a U.S. Army colonel, at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas. They divorced in 1973.

1973: A cat named Gros Minou fell 20 stories from a Montreal apartment building, landed on her feet, and survived.

1979: The Academy of Country Music named Loretta Lynn its Artist of the Decade.

1991: Charles Osborne of Anthon, Iowa, died at age 97. Though living a normal life, he had hiccupped continuously every few seconds for 69 years. ***Apparently holding your breath truly is the cure. He hasn’t hiccupped once since he stopped breathing.

1991: As a Texas Ranger against Toronto, Nolan Ryan pitched his seventh career no-hitter. He struck out 16.

1992: On the third day of the Los Angeles riots, beaten motorist Rodney King appeared in public to appeal for calm. King asked, “Can we all get along?”

1999: “The Paintings of Paul McCartney” opened in Siegen, Germany. The exhibit of 70 paintings included McCartney’s representation of a young David Bowie entitled “Bowie Spewing.”

2002: A Christchurch, New Zealand, man received a phone call from police saying there were armed officers surrounding his house. The 33-year-old was told to walk out with his arms in the air and no weapons. When he got outside there was no one there and he went back in. A police negotiator still on the phone then realized he had the wrong telephone number.

2003: President Bush, speaking to the nation from the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln off the Southern California coast, declared major combat in Iraq over, but also said “difficult work” remained ahead.

2005: Thai fishermen caught a 646-pound catfish, the world’s largest freshwater fish ever recorded. The 8.9 feet Mekong giant catfish was netted by villagers in Chiang Khong in northern Thailand, and weighed by Thai fisheries department officials.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1572: Pius V, pope from 1566, dies at age 68. A reforming pope, he ordered bishops and clergy to accept the propositions of the Council of Trent, but he also vehemently opposed the Reformation. He rarely hesitated to use the Inquisition in Italy and hastily excommunicated England’s Elizabeth I.

1819: Lott Carey and Collin Teague, Afro-Americans, sail as Baptist missionaries to the regions of Sierra Leone and Liberia in Africa where Carey was not careful to stay out of revolutionary politics.

1873: Missionary-explorer David Livingstone dies. Responsible for “opening up” central Africa and for popularizing missions to that continent, Livingstone himself only made one convert—who later backslid. Still, he is widely considered one of Christianity’s missionary heroes.

1939: The popular radio series ‘Back to the Bible‘ begins broadcasting.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Game of Thrones”, Terminator Genisys) Emilia Clarke, 32

  • actor (Fifty Shades of Grey, “Once Upon a Time”, “The Fall”) Jamie Dornan, 36

  • actor (Committed, Edward ‘Eddie’ Winslow on “Family Matters”) Darius McCrary 42 (audio clip)

  • actor (Dr. Jesse Travis on “Diagnosis Murder,” Ferris Beuler on the TV series “Ferris Beuler” – which lasted less than thirteen episodes back in 1990) Charlie Schlatter 52 (audio clip) (Check out this video clip – in the TV show Ferris is dating Ami Dolenz, his sister is Jennifer Aniston!)

  • The Dark Knight, Batman is 79

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1891 : Charley Patton

1907 : Kate Smith

1924 : Big Maybelle

1929 : Sonny James

1930 : Little Walter

1933 : Titus Turner

1934 : Shirley Horn

1939 : Judy Collins

1944 : Rita Coolidge

1946 : Jerry Weiss (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1946 : Nick Fortune (The Buckinghams)

1954 : Ray Parker, Jr.

1966 : Johnny Colt (The Black Crowes)

1967 : Tim McGraw

1968 : D’Arcy Wretsky-Brown (The Smashing Pumpkins)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

If “overwhelmed” means overpowered by something, what does it mean to be “whelmed?”

Pick up just about any dictionary – except the huge, unabridged ones – and look at all the words they list that are made by putting “over” in front to mean excessively . In just about every case – maybe in every one, depending on the dictionary – the second part of the word can stand alone as a word you might use. But nobody I know uses “whelmed” in any context. Oh, it’s a word. And some people use it humorously to mean not overwhelming, not underwhelming, just whelmed. But whelmed does not mean something in the middle. It actually means pretty much the same thing as “overwhelmed.” In the Middle Ages, whelmed meant to turn something over, to capsize it. That means overpowering to me, not something halfway between anything. That’s still what it means. So “overwhelmed” is really overdone. Understand? Me neither. (Source: www.merriam-webster.com)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Now TV is reconsidering a reboot of “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons.” ***How is this possible? If you take away everything that would be considered offensive in today’s world, all you have left on those two shows is the opening theme songs and the commercial breaks.

A study by Chinese geologists shows the mountain above North Korea’s main nuclear test site has collapsed under the stress of explosions, rendering it unsafe for further testing. The findings may have something to do with North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s announcement that his country is ceasing its nuclear testing program.  ***Of course, the North Korean media is spinning it, saying their supreme leader is so great, he can move mountains.

Police in Connecticut arrested a man for illegally trying to sell venomous snakes. ***Which sounds like a very inappropriate Mother’s Day gift to me.

Science says: Nice guys don’t finish last, University of Worcester researchers asked 202 women to rate their interest in men some handsome, some less so, presented in photos with scenarios saying they’d either helped or dissed someone unfortunate. While handsome jerks were OK ‘d for one-night, less handsome but “altruistic” guys got the nod for long-term relationships. Gorgeous guys are often consider threatening and are passed over in competitive work places, too, the University College London reports.  ***Two points for us guys with a face for radio!

10 years after his death, Steve Irwin got his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last Thursday.  ***If you wear crocks, it’ll be like you’re tormenting the guy every time you walk over his star.

Starbucks is going to roll out some new Frappuccinos this week that will only be available for a few days.  ***Which is great news for those of you who feel the lines at Starbucks aren’t long enough.

Abba has gone back into the studio and recorded two new songs, their first new material in 35 years.  ***If there was ever a time to send out an “S.O.S.”…

One of the legends about North Korea’s Kim Jung Un is that he travels with his own toilets so that his enemies can’t steal his excrement. ***Which makes perfect sense – that’d bring a fortune on eBay!

North and South Korea met on Friday and have signed a denuclearization treaty.  ***What an upside-down world we live in.  Obama couldn’t bring this in his eight years in office, but suddenly it gets done after Donald Trump torments the little North Korean leader by calling him “rocket man”.  It’s like we’re living in a Bizzaro dimension!

William and Kate have chosen the name for their third child: Louis Arthur Charles, to be known as His Royal Highness Prince Louis of Cambridge.  ***What a missed opportunity!  With a middle name of Arthur there would’ve been a very slight chance we’d finally have a King Arthur someday!  Still it could’ve been worse.  They could’ve named him Prince – at which point we’d have “Prince Prince of Cambridge”.

Britain has appointed the world’s first Loneliness Minister.  ***A Loneliness Minister?  Isn’t that what they created those late-night 900-number TV commercials for?

And now, former NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw is being accused of sexual harassment by a former NBC reporter.  ***It just never stops!  I’m beginning to think you have to be a sexual pervert in order to be a success in show business.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

When it comes to shopping for gifts, men are the worst. Men push the deadline, bargain less, and spend too much. Ten percent of guys plan to wrap up their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. ***And ten percent of THOSE men do it at a convenience store.

Japan has opened restaurants called “Owl Cafes” where people can pet owls while they eat lunch. ***And if you pet it too hard and it dies, they’ll pluck it, fry it up, and serve it with a side of biscuit and gravy.

If you miss cuddling with your kitty during the day while at work, there’s now a solution: Kitten Fur perfume. New York-based fragrance company Demeter is now selling Kitten Fur, which it claims captures the olfactory essence of the warmth and comfort of that purrrfect spot, just behind a kitten’s neck. ***Wow – you smell so great tonight… oh, that reminds me, I need to clean out the kitty litter box!

A study says parenthood is linked to a longer life. ***Not in actual years, parenthood just makes life feel like it’s taking longer.

Patrick Stewart says he uses marijuana daily to help him with arthritis symptoms. Stewart says that he was examined by a doctor and given a note which gave him legal permission to purchase, from a registered outlet, cannabis-based products, which he was advised might help the ortho-arthritis in both of his hands. ***When he needs a refill he just uses Cerebro to login to the Walgreens website.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were just sitting down to play checkers… something they both looked forward to very much every week. As Sully was getting the lemonade ready, there was a knock at the door from a lost grizzly bear, and Gruffy was trying to give him directions…

CLOSE: Oh boy… not only has Gruffy left Sully without playing checkers, but now Gruffy’s new friend the grizzly bear – I can’t seem to remember his name right now – is sinking in quick sand! Will Gruffy be able to save him? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
In Denver, sheriff’s deputy Bobby Rogers’ has been slapped with a 45-day suspension for slapping another male deputy’s buttocks– an incident that prompted the co-worker to quit. Deputy Francisco Hernandez reportedly resigned after having his rear-end whacked but attorney Derek W. Cole has called Rogers’ subsequent suspension an over-reaction saying, “It’s gross overkill. It’s like executing somebody for blowing their nose and not washing their hands.” The incident occurred back on August 30, 2007, when Hernandez bent to pick up some keys only to be “slapped hard on the buttocks” by Rogers according to city documents. Rogers then allegedly said, “If you’re going to stick it out, I’m going to hit it.” For what it’s worth, Rogers’ didn’t help his case by continuously changing his version of the incident during interviews, while Hernandez’s version remained constant, prompting authorities to impose the suspension.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BEST THINGS BEFORE SLICED BREAD

10. Sliced rocks

9. Burlap pants

8. Bread torn in a reasonably neat fashion

7. Not dying of the plague

6. Sliced mastodon

5. That deli guy who could balance three whole pounds of pastrami on top of your loaf of rye

4. The bread slicer. (Unfortunately, the moment it was used, it was knocked off the number 1 spot.)

3. Giant toaster with oval-shaped opening in which to put unsliced bread

2. The bread bag little twisty ties

1. Pointy sticks to stab the tribe that had the sliced bread

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you can believe this, a 79-year-old woman was arrested in Chicago after she tried to hold up a bank at gunpoint.

FILE #1: A 79-year-old woman was arrested in Chicago after she tried to hold up a bank at gunpoint! She wore a white visor that read “princess” and black sunglasses when she tried to hold up a Bank of America branch using a toy gun. According to the FBI, the woman told the cashier she could not speak very loud because she had just come from the dentist. When the cashier leaned forward, the woman pulled out what appeared to be a gun and said, “Give me $30,000. My friend is across the street. And no dye.” Instead, the cashier activated a silent alarm and then walked away. Grandma waited a few minutes then walked out of the bank, ditching her trench coat as she left. A bank employee flagged down a police officer who arrested her outside.

FILE #2: What happens when you shoot a robber running from the scene of the crime? A convicted robber in Muncie, Indiana is suing the convenience store clerk who shot him as he fled after a holdup. Willie Brown claimed the clerk acted “maliciously and sadistically” in firing five shots as Brown ran out of Zipps Deli with money from the store’s cash register. Brown later pleaded guilty to robbery and was sentenced last week to four years in prison. In a lawsuit filed recently, Brown claimed, “there was no need for the use of deadly force” when the clerk fired at him. Brown said the shooting had “prevented him from transacting his business”.  ***MARLAR: Yeah – that was the whole idea.

FILE #3: Even Wal-Mart’s prices aren’t this low. Kirksville, Missouri’s Reginald Newman came up with a not so ingenious plan to save some big bucks on a 26-inch LCD TV from his local Wal-Mart. He simply switched the bar code on the TV with that of another product in the store. Unfortunately, he switched it with a water bottle that sold for less than $3 thinking no one would notice. They did and now the 44-year-old Newman is facing felony charges.

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas City, MO, installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

We have to use sewer humor in today’s Brain on Drugs.  No choice.

In Ontario, Canada, a man got lost and called police from his cell phone to be rescued. Apparently the man, police say, was trying to take a shortcut and got confused for more than an hour. The man’s shortcut, by the way, was in the city’s sewer’s system. He kept rescue crews busy Saturday afternoon giving them directions to no avail. He told police he’d climbed a ladder in the sewer and could see a green box beside a wooden pole and that traffic was traveling by quickly, but police said he had no idea what street he was on. He was finally found around 6pm. And, yes, police say alcohol was involved.

PHONER PHUN

If you know me at all, you know that you’re asking for problems if you hand me a hammer or a screwdriver. Check the giant hole in my wife’s closet from me trying to install a clothes rack. I’m horrid at home improvement. Have you or someone you know tried to build or fix something yourself and it became a total disaster? What was your worst do-it-yourself handyman moment?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which wife of David’s was unable to bear children because she despised his dancing before the Lord?
ANSWER: Michal (2 Samuel 6:23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: More than 40 percent of the women in the U.S. have participated in what organization?

ANSWER: Girl Scouts

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The TV Show the “Rockford Files” was based on true events. (False)

2. Two Muppets who have hit the Top 40 music charts. (True, Ernie and Kermit)

3. The loose skin hanging from the neck of a chicken is known as a “Wattle”. (True)

4. It takes a lobster seven years to grow to be one pound! (True. No wonder they are so expensive!)

5. People in China don’t eat cheese. True. It’s just not a big thing over there.)

6. In the classic arcade video game Donkey Kong, logs floating in a river sometimes mysteriously turned into hungry alligators. (False, that was Frogger)

7. The Ford Festiva was the inspiration for Ralph Nader’s bestseller “Unsafe at Any Speed” (False, it was the Chevrolet Corvair)

8. The name of Legionnaires’ disease comes from an outbreak that occurred during a 1976 convention in a Los Angeles hotel. (False, it was a Philadelphia hotel)

9. Mount Crumpit was the peak overlooking the Seussian town, “Whoville”. (True)

10. In Pakistan, goats are often sacrificed to improve the performance of the stock market. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WORLD’S OLDEST ___________ (SUPERMODEL)

Meet the world’s oldest supermodel — Daphne Selfe.

She has a mane of silver hair, an etiolated neck, high cheekbones, bright, intelligent, lively eyes, and all 83 of her years etched upon her face.

She recently modeled for the Oxfam’s Big Bra Hunt.

“I’ve never had anything done to my face,’ Daphne says, pulling it this way and that. ‘Not that poison, not a facelift. I think it’s a waste of money. Anyway, I couldn’t afford it!”

So how on earth does she do it, remain so fit, so lively in her slacks and flats?

‘I think it’s partly down to good genes. My mother was a livewire; she lived until she was 95. I’ve never really bothered with skin cream or anything like that, although I might use a bit of Boots. I hate anything you can’t take the top off and dig around for what’s left in the bottom.

‘I did dye my hair at home for a while when I started to go grey in my early 40s. Occasionally, I would go into L’Oreal as a guinea pig, but it became too much of a bother.

‘Women are too sloppy these days; they simply don’t look in the mirror. Leggings and skinny jeans — just dreadful!’

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two goobers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they’re going to rob.

“Drive slower” pleads the one in the passenger seat, “I don’t want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode.”

“Relax,” the driver replies, “even if it did, I’ve got a spare box under the seat.”

JOKE #2

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

“Tell me your choice,” said he to the boy, “What’s your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind.”

The boy thought for a while and said, “My choice is ONE real difficult question.”

“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?”

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: “It’s the DAY, sir.”

“How???????” the interviewer shot back, smiling. (“At last, I got you!” he said to himself.)

“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!”

The student was admitted to the University.

JOKE #3

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

USELESS FACTS

A poll of 3,000 Americans found that for 41 percent, the thing they’re most afraid of is speaking before a group of people. 32 percent stated they were afraid of heights. ***The remaining 27 percent clammed up when asked the question because they were afraid of people with clipboards.

According to one U.S. study, about 25 percent of all adolescent and adult males never use deodorant.  ***More than likely the ones who never date.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE NEW CHURCH

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”. The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.” And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. “A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

“You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation, “Marvelous!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

LOCKED UP

Do you have the kind of parents that you’re afraid to have your boyfriend or girlfriend meet? How far would you go to keep your significant other from meeting your embarrassing parent?

Here’s one idea… a Romanian woman was so worried that her husband would embarrass their two daughter’s fiancés, that she locked him up in the basement for three days. The mother feared that her husband would cause trouble and make a bad impression when her two daughters turned up at their house with her future son-in-laws. The two couples were told that he was out visiting relatives in the countryside and that noises from the cellar were rats. Although police are questioning the woman she has not yet been charged. ***MARLAR: Now the girls are embarrassed by their mother.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LIFE IS LIKE A BAG OF POTATOES

A teacher once told each of her students to bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes to school. For every person they’d refused to forgive in their life’s experience, they chose a potato, wrote on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of their bags were quite heavy. They were then told to carry this bag with them everywhere for one week, putting it beside their bed at night; on the car seat when driving; next to their desk at work. The hassle of lugging this around with them made it clear what a weight they were carrying spiritually, and how they had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget and keep leaving it in embarrassing places. Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity! Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, and it clearly is for ourselves!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

Read: Romans 3:21-31

Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved–you and your household. –Acts 16:31

Have you ever thought about what kind of people will be in heaven? Will there be a bunch of Baptists, a collection of Catholics, a multitude of Methodists, or a pack of Presbyterians?

The great Methodist preacher John Wesley must have done some thinking about this one day, because he had a dream about it.

In his dream, Wesley was transported to the gates of hell. He named several denominations and asked if their members were in hell. “Yes,” came the response. “Not any Methodists, I hope!” he ventured.

“Those too,” was the unfortunate reply.

Then in his dream, he was instantly taken to the gates of heaven. Again he started naming off other denominations and asking if their members were in heaven. “No,” came the surprising reply. More optimistic, he asked, “Are there any Methodists in heaven?” “No!” was the answer. “Well, then, who is in heaven?” Wesley asked in exasperation. “Christians!” he was told.

The New Testament clearly teaches that you can’t get into heaven by depending on what church you go to. When Paul was asked by the Philippian jailer how to be saved, he didn’t say a word about church. He said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ.” Getting into heaven depends on your decision to put your faith in Jesus, not on church affiliation.

Are you banking on the fact that you are a Baptist or a Lutheran or a Catholic to get you into heaven? Those labels won’t mean a thing when you stand before God and face His question, “Why should I let you into My heaven?” Only faith in Jesus Christ will do you any good then.

The only kind of people who will be let in will be those who have trusted Jesus as their Savior and have been cleansed of their sin through faith in Him. They’re the ones who are going to heaven.

–Dave Branon

LEFTOVERS

JIVE TALKIN

“When you’re bubbalatin’ with your whoady, it’s important to look ghetto-fabulous.”

If you want to know what this means, a dictionary written by students at a California school will help. The dictionary features nearly 200 words representing a variety of cultures. Daniel Silber-Baker, 17, said: “I think it’s interesting to make grown-ups learn our language. But they aren’t going to be able to just pick this up and start talking. It’s all in how you emphasize the word and use it in the right context.” Veronica Munoz, 16, added: “You can’t just say, ‘What’s up?’ You have to put z’s in it and draw it out, like, ‘Waaaazzzzup’.” The project evolved from teacher Rick Ayers’ Communications Arts and Sciences class, reports the San Francisco Chronicle. He told them to write an essay in their own language which they then translated into standard English. The dictionary came next. It reveals “wack” is bad, but “wickety-wack” is great. Each entry has a pronunciation key, an etymology source and an explanatory sentence. By the way, the phrase, “When you’re bubbalatin’ with your whoady, it’s important to look ghetto-fabulous” means “When you’re spending time with your friends, it’s important to look good in your clothes.” ***MARLAR: Apparently what is NOT important is speaking in a language intelligent people will understand.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Could Starbucks hold the cure for dementia?

Coffee has already been linked to a lower risk of Alzheimer’s Disease, and they say the same may be true for dementia. Not only that, scientists say they think they may know why. They say it could be that the caffeine blocks the damage from cholesterol. The good news for those who don’t care that much for coffee is that just one cup a day should do the trick.

SNACKS UNDER 150 CALORIES…

Ready to get in shape for the summer? The organization eMeals has 10 low calorie snack ideas. They include:

1. Peanut butter on celery

2. Chocolate-hazelnut spread on a graham cracker

3. Nonfat vanilla yogurt and blueberries

See the entire list here: http://ow.ly/wl3hF

JUST FOR FUN

GOT IT MADE IN THE SHADE

Pigs in Denmark battled long and hard in the courts… and now they’ve won their right to have shade! It is now mandatory for farmers in Denmark to have places on their farms for pigs to seek shade. Many farmers will now have to redesign their farms in order to adhere to the new law. Pigs sunburn very easily because of their pink skin – even temperatures of only 60-degrees can cause burns. ***MARLAR: When do farmers know it’s time to bring the pigs into the shade? When they smell frying bacon.

FUN LIST

ETIQUETTE TIPS

Sure, we may be in a new century now… even a new millennium, but that doesn’t mean that old fashioned etiquette has gone out of style! Here’s a refresher course on etiquette for those of you who’ve forgotten about it.

  • While ears should be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if one lives alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger food.

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the rifle is loaded and the deer is in sight.

  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can it is impolite to ask her to bring back a two liter bottle of Pepsi.

Now… welcome to the upper crust of society.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

10 STEPS TO BEING A BETTER WIFE (from msn.com lifestyle)

  • Take care of yourself – Turns out that the best thing you can do for your husband is also good for you. Eat healthy foods, maintain good grooming, and exercise regularly. You’ll look and feel better, and you’ll continue to be the vibrant and attractive woman he fell in love with, no matter your age.

  • Say thank you, often – When researchers ask men what they want from their wives, appreciation always makes the list.

  • Keep the romance alive – When was the last time you planned a romantic interlude with your husband? If you can’t remember, you’re way overdue.

  • Let him have “guy time” – Everyone needs time for themselves — to relax, enjoy a hobby, or socialize with friends. If your husband loves football and you don’t, don’t bug him about it. Encourage him to cultivate friendships with other men. He’ll enjoy the companionship.

  • Make your husband a priority – With the everyday stresses of work, home, and kids, it’s easy to take your husband for granted. Make time for the two of you to reconnect on a regular basis. Take an interest in his work and hobbies. Let him know he’s important to you.

  • Don’t try to change him – Are you outgoing, but your husband is shy? Do you like a clean house, but he leaves towels on the floor? Behavioral experts say you can’t change others, you can only change yourself and how you react — so look for ways other than nagging to handle these situations.

  • Don’t make him guess — tell him what you want – It’s easy to assume that the person who lives with you every day also knows you well enough to know what you want. Not true. Most of us view the world through our own needs and desires, so don’t be surprised if your husband thinks that what you want is what he would want.

  • Cultivate friends and interests outside your marriage – Once you’re married, it’s easy to shrink your social network to revolve around your husband. But no one person can meet all your needs, and it’s too much to expect your husband to be your partner, your lover, AND your best girlfriend.

  • Let free time be free – Just as you need time to relax and unwind, so does your husband. He may not define it the way you do, though; while your idea of relaxing after work may be talking over a glass of wine, he may enjoy being quiet for awhile, reading the newspaper, or watching TV. Find a compromise so both your needs are met.

  • Believe in your husband, and let him know it – Men can display a lot of bravado, but like us they sometimes struggle with low self-confidence and feelings of failure.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

You’ve no doubt heard about the benefits of exercising, but have you ever thought of the risks of being a couch potato? You sit in your car to get to and from work. You sit at your desk all day. You sit in your comfy chair and watch TV at night. Is that a description of a typical day? If so, this should make you jump up in fear: About 10 percent of all deaths worldwide can be attributed to inactivity. One-third of all adults — that’s about 1.5 billion people worldwide — have a 20 percent to 30 percent greater risk of disease because they do not exercise at least 150 minutes a week. 80 percent of adolescents live a risky sedentary lifestyle and about 6 percent of coronary artery disease cases and 7 percent of type 2 diabetes cases are linked to lack of exercise. Physical inactivity also accounts for an average of about 10 percent of breast and colon cancer cases worldwide. In North America, 43 percent of adults are classified as inactive, compared with just 17 percent of Asians.

Want the real story? Ask your questions in a well lit room. People interviewed in bright spaces are more honest, a study from the University of Toronto indicates, possibly because darkness triggers the belief that we’re hidden from others’ judgments.   ***Maybe this is why they shine a powerful light in your eyes when you’re tied to a chair and given the third degree.

Men are better at controlling their aggression if women are watching than when they’re just with other guys. Why? Because women aren’t impressed by men’s face-to-face confrontations, says University of Minnesota marketing professor Vlad Griskevicius, Ph.D., the co-author of the study. When researchers asked men what they’d do if another man spilled a drink on them and didn’t apologize, the men said they’d be more likely to fight or yell in an all male setting. That’s an attempt to establish status, researchers say. With a potential mate around, however, “a man will be more inclined to back away from a fight because he doesn’t want to be perceived as violent,” Griskevicius says. Women are most impressed by a nonviolent resolution, such as a witty remark.

Craving chocolate ladies? Don’t blame your hormones. Thank culture, not biology, for your PMS hankerings: In a recent study published in the journal PLOS One, researchers found that roughly twice as many U.S.-born women as foreign-born women said they craved chocolate at specific times in their cycles. It’s possible that American women view their time-of-the-month as a socially acceptable time to indulge in food that’s otherwise off-limits, says lead study author Julia Hormes, Ph.D. Ditch the all or nothing mentality: “It’s better to have and truly savor a bit of high quality chocolate each day than to deny yourself completely and risk overindulging later,” says Hormes. (Health)

Do you tune out for long stretches when she’s talking? Staying tuned in takes a lot of mental energy, says Matt Ludquist, L.C.S.W., of Tribeca Therapy. If you’re tired, you might not have that energy to spare. But there are tricks. Unwind after work, walk the dog, and then sit down ready to listen. Focus on exhaling to keep your thoughts from wandering. Use “reflective listening”: Play back some or all of what she says in your own words to stay grounded. That said, zoning out may mean you’re uncomfortable with intimacy. Ludquist says. She can help: Have her call it out when you’re disconnecting. (Men’s Health)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Good News Network) It has been five years since Tiffany Hall was caught in a cycle of substance abuse and addiction. Now, she is about to become a college grad – and she credits her success to the police officer who arrested her.  So much so that she even invited the officer to her graduation as her guest.  Hall first met Lieutenant Jim Foster when he was arresting her on drug charges in Long Beach, California. It was to be the first of many encounters between Hall and the compassionate police officer. Hall says that whenever Foster was taking her to the station, he would chat with her about her situation and encourage her to make better choices. Foster’s kindness had such a positive effect on Hall, she says that it eventually gave her the courage to turn away from drug addiction and turn her life around. (Read the whole story at: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/woman-invites-officer-who-arrested-her-to-her-college-graduation)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Miami, 28-year-old Jacob Garcia was waiting for takeoff on an American Airlines flight to Chicago when a female passenger accused him of groping her. Garcia was initially moved to a different seat which should have been the end of it, but then started screaming insults at the woman and her boyfriend. It got so out of hand that all passengers were told to leave the plane. However, Garcia refused, instead wrapping his legs around a seat and yelling at officers to “try it and see what happens.” What happened was that Garcia was then tased ten times in the ensuing struggle with officers who then carried him off the plane. He was still yelling and went limp to try and make himself harder to move. At one point he tried to grab the gun of an officer who slapped his hand away. The flight to Chicago took off an hour late – without Garcia – who was booked on charges including battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting an officer. (Miami Herald)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I talked so much today, I bet my lips lost weight.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 27, 2018…

Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this  comic book character-driven film.  Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that.  The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it.  “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.

I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.

The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.

Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.