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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160502
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I got off to a bad start this morning. I woke up right on time and messed up my usual schedule.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:6-8
Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. — Hebrews 11:6
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. — 1 Timothy 4:15-16
Thought: “Be diligent!” That’s not a phrase you hear much about these days. We want things to come easily. Sweat in the world of pseudo-faith is frowned upon. But, Paul wanted Timothy (and us) to know that maturity in Christ requires genuine effort. Having a redemptive influence on others is hard work. While it is God’s power that transforms, our effort is also required. God gives us the assurance that this effort will not only bear fruit in our own lives, but it will also lead others to salvation as well.
Prayer: Abba Father, please stir my confidence, courage, diligence, and determination so that the salvation you have blessed me with can be shared with others because of my life, my teaching, and my example. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Ephesians 5:2 NIV = and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 02, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 236 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL ROWDY FRIENDS DAY, a time to check up on your old rowdy friends to see if they’re okay. ***MARLAR: Unless you’re like me and you ARE one of your rowdy friends – at which point you probably just need to go for the check-up from the neck up.
Today is NATIONAL TRUFFLES DAY. ***MARLAR: Like a bridge, over truffled water…”
Today is NATIONAL BABY’S DAY, a day to celebrate babies as a blessing from God. (Babies Day is observed on the birth date of Dr. Benjamin Spock – not to be confused with Mr. Spock who has pointed ears and no sense of humor or parenting skills.)
Today is TAKE A BABY TO LUNCH DAY. ***MARLAR: Now, for all of you would-be Cassanovas out there, this does not mean taking a really attractive lady out for lunch. We’re talking real babies… as in young, tiny, humans that require a bib and a diaper. The Mrs. and I will be borrowing the neighbors’ baby today… if for no other reason than to just reconfirm why we don’t have children.
And finally, today is SIBLING APPRECIATION DAY. It’s a day to be especially nice to your siblings… that’d be your brothers and/or sisters. ***MARLAR: Maybe you can buy them lunch. Better yet, hand them the money for lunch, and then hand them the baby too, problem solved!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Roberts Rule of Order Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Teacher Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 04
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
National Life Insurance Day
Great American Grump Out
Star Wars Day (May The Forth Be With You)
International Respect for Chickens Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Petite and Proud Day
World Give Day
THURSDAY, MAY 05
Cinco de Mayo
National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Day of Reason
Totally Chipotle Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
World Password Day
FRIDAY, MAY 06
Dandelion Days begin
Joseph Brackett Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
SATURDAY, MAY 07
Free Comic Book Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Babysitters Day
SUNDAY, MAY 08
Mothers At The Wall Day
World Laughter Day
No Socks Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day
MONDAY, MAY 09
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
National Moscato Day
ON THIS DAY
1519: One of history’s superstars died. His name was Leonardo; he was born in Vinci, Italy; so they called him Leonardo da Vinci. ***MARLAR: Imagine what life would be like if they still named people like that! Just try looking up the phone number for John of New York.
1939: Not hitting well and feeling bad, Ironman Lou Gehrig took himself out of the Yankee line-up after playing 2,130 consecutive games. The Yankees destroyed Detroit 22-2, and Gehrig never played baseball again.
1954: Stan “The Man” Musial of the St. Louis Cardinals set a major league record when he hit five home runs in a doubleheader against the New York Giants. Though he went 6-8 with five home runs for the day, he only drove in 8 runs. In 1972 San Diego Padre Nate Colbert equaled the feat, hitting five home runs in a double header against the Atlanta Braves.
1956: For the first time in “Billboard” chart history, five singles were in both the pop and the R&B top 10: Elvis Presley’s “Heartbreak Hotel,” Carl Perkins’ “Blue Suede Shoes,” Little Richard’s “Long Tall Sally,” the Platters’ “Magic Touch,” and Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers’ “Why Do Fools Fall in Love.”
1960: Billboard magazine reported that, in the wake of the payola scandal, many radio stations were switching to a “better music” format and banning rock & roll.
1964: The Rolling Stones appeared on U.S. charts for the first time with “Not Fade Away.”
1988: A sinkhole in Sebring, Florida, opened to 200 feet wide and swallowed a house.
1989: A mall security guard in Simi Valley, California, followed a mysterious window shopper who obviously was wearing false hair and a moustache and ratty-looking clothes. Turned out to be singer Michael Jackson.
1990: A mugger in London’s financial district attacked a money-brokers messenger and escaped with $484.7-million worth of treasury notes. The worldwide financial network, however, prevented the thief from cashing in any of the loot.
1991: Mike Lehtonen and Juhani Saramies left Nokia, Finland, in history’s longest taxicab ride. They took a 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running. It cost $16,000. No word on the tip. ***MARLAR: The trip would’ve been shorter, but the cabbie didn’t speak English.
1997: 44-year-old Tony Blair became Britain’s youngest prime minister in 185 years.
1999: In Hudson, Ontario, police reported an attempted burglary where a parrot apparently ran off the intruder. Police surmise that the suspect knocked over the cage and freed the bird. They found the parrot loose and blood drops on the furniture and carpet around the house. Nothing was missing.
2000: Jockey Julie Krone became the first female elected to thoroughbred racing’s hall of fame.
2001: A 77-year-old man who admitted holding up three banks to pay for dates with his 79-year-old girlfriend was sentenced to three years in federal prison. The defendant said he couldn’t believe he did it.
2007: Iowa spent $6,000 to change the locks at one of its state prisons after someone paid $12 on e-Bay for a set of keys belonging to a guard who retired in the 1970s. The warden said he did not know if any of the old keys actually opened any of the locks in the 135-year-old prison — but he was not sure they didn’t. The prison housed a number of violent criminals.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
373: Church father Athanasius, “the father of Orthodoxy,” dies. He attended the Council of Nicea, and after becoming bishop of Alexandria, he fought Arianism and won. He was also the first to list the New Testament canonical books as we know them today.
1507: Two years after entering the Augustinian monastery at Erfurt, future German reformer Martin Luther, 23, was consecrated a priest. (Luther remained in the order until 1521, when he was excommunicated from the Catholic Church.)
1559: John Knox, having spent several years on the Continent studying and writing, returns to Scotland to help lead the Reformation there.
1821: Methodist missionary William Taylor is born in Virginia. He ministered to miners during the California gold rush and later became missionary Bishop of Africa (1884-1896). Taylor University in Upland, Indiana, named itself after him.
1872: A lectureship was established at Yale Divinity School in memory of American clergyman Lyman Beecher (1775-1863). The lectures were to cover topics on preaching and the work of the Christian ministry.
1922: Birth of missions pioneer Bob Finley. In 1953 he chartered the Christian Aid Mission in Washington, D.C. Today, this evangelical group works in over 40 countries, and is headquartered in Charlottesville, Virginia.
1913: The love letters of the Christian poet and Englishman Robert Browning to Elizabeth Barrett are sold. Browning inspired Elizabeth to rise from her sick bed through a faith expressed somewhat in terms of positive thinking.
1949: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘The man who will not act until he knows all will never act at all.’
1956: The General Conference of the Methodist Church, held in Minneapolis, demanded abolishment of racial segregation in all Methodist churches.
1982: The ailing pastor Lin Xiangao is arrested in Guangzhou, China, for holding house church services despite a government ban.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Born on the Fourth of July, Six LeMeure on “Blossom,” Stevie Van Lowe on “The Parkers”) Jenna Von Oy 39 (audio clip)
- wrestler-actor (The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, Doom) Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 44
- actress (Constanze Mozart in Amadeus, Annie Oakley in Hidalgo) Elizabeth Berridge 54
- actress (Welcome to Mooseport, How the Grinch Stole Christmas) Christine Baranski 64
- The King James Bible is 405 (***And sounds like it if you read it outloud.)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1933 : Bunk Gardner (Mothers of Invention)
1936 : Link Wray
1936 : Engelbert Humperdinck
1944 : Bob Henrit (The Kinks, Argent)
1945 : Goldy McJohn (Steppenwolf)
1946 : Lesley Gore
1948 : Larry Gatlin
1950 : Lou Gramm (Foreigner)
1951 : John Glascock (Jethro Tull)
1954 : Prescott Niles (The Knack)
1955 : Jo Callis (The Human League)
1984 : Rose Falcon
1985 : Lily Allen
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where in the world does it rain the most?
Anywhere I plan to have a picnic. Actually, it’s on the island of Kauai in so-called “sunny” Hawaii. There, on the slippery slopes of Mt. Waialeale, you never have to get a forecast to know if you should take an umbrella. You should wear one all the time on your head because Waialeale gets an average 472 inches of rain a year. While we’re into liquid data, note that the most rainfall in a 24-hour period anywhere was the 46 inches that fell on Bauio in the Philippines in 1911. The most in any place in a given year was the 905 inches that went drippy-poo on Cherrapunki, India in 1861. In other words, if the place you’re planning on vacationing is hard to spell or pronounce, plan to stay indoors.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo wants to teach you to play Casting Crowns songs. He is part of an organization called Pro Lessons. Jaun says he promises to try not to confuse people.
Kutless member James Mead was showing off his new tattoo this week. He posted: this hummingbird represents my son Jacob, who has Aspergers syndrome and ADHD. He’s such an awesome little boy, curious and kind, happy and humble. I love him. I’m proud of him. He flits back and forth like a little hummingbird, and he often hums to drown out noises that are bothering him.
Third Day’s Mac Powell this week announced another Mac And Tug Show. In the latest edition of the show, Mac welcome USA Today writer George Schroeder to discuss his weekend on the road with Mac and Third Day. Mac also shares the songs that each person on the tour bus picked to play if they had to choose one song to convince an alien army not to destroy planet Earth. Mac and Tug wrap things up with a really funny version of the Yes or No game! http://ow.ly/4neOs9
Kutless is introducing a brand new evangelistic ministry. Front man Jon Micah Sumrall says EOTA Ministries will hold a launch event June 5 in Southern Oregon. He says End of the Age Ministries plans to utilize large-scale evangelistic events and mobile technology to provide an opportunity for young people to respond to the Gospel. They intend to utilize the Kutless technology platform to connect young people with other believers and aid them in discipleship and continued spiritual growth.
Out of the 11 songs on his new album The River, Jordan Feliz says the song Satisfied is probably the most personal on the project. Jordan talked this week with the Christian Post. He says “I wrote it right after my wife and I lost our first baby and it was me going through this learning phase,” Feliz shared. “In my life I’ve never really gone through a whole lot of hardships. I think that (losing the baby) was probably the first thing that’s ever happened that really rocked me and the first time I probably ever been angry with God.” In his time of despair Feliz said a lady from his previous church sent him a Facebook message that really helped him navigate through the pain. “She said the Lord came to her and said, ‘The one person that you’ve been mad at, me, is the only satisfaction that can fill the void of loss,'” He explained. “The one person that I was angry at was the solution to my wife and my loss. That’s where “Satisfied” came out of and He is that satisfaction for us.” http://ow.ly/4neO6X
We are Messengers Darren Mulligan was featured in an article this week in Shuttered Magazine. The Irishman was a self-taught guitarist, receiving his first guitar from his parents at age 13. But after touring the country with a rock band, Mulligan became a Christian, sold all of his guitars, and resolved to live a different way. How did he get from that point to leading an Irish worship band called We Are Messengers? Read the entire story…
Casting Crowns Mark Hall is joining the boycott of the Target stores. Mark posted: Sorry Target. I’ve never been much of a boycotter, but I just can’t let this one go. According to ABC News, more than 900,000 people have signed a petition to boycott Target after the company’s announcement plans last week to allow transgender people to use the bathroom and fitting rooms corresponding with their gender identity, rather than the sex indicated on their birth certificate.
“Eye of the Storm,” the latest single by Ryan Stevenson, is the fastest rising single of Stevenson’s career. The song is from his 2015 release, Fresh Start. Stevenson shared: “After spending years working as a paramedic, I have been awakened to the truth that the one thing uniting people is the fact that we all experience storms in life,” He says. “I wanted to write a song that would help to speak Hope in the midst of the storms. http://ow.ly/4neNGs
Chris August is giving new meaning to the phrase What Would Jesus Do. Chris posted a picture with his wood working tools along with the text: WWJD?
If cuteness is a requirement for marketing a new record, Jordan Feliz is off to a great start. He posted a picture of his young daughter sporting a onesie promoting her daddies new CD. It said “My Daddies Alum is Out” and featured a picture of the album.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
From China comes the story of a man who sells candy and paid for his new truck with a mountain of small change. The cash weighed at least half a ton and was stuffed inside 10 crates. *** He would’ve bought the truck a lot earlier, but the change kept ripping his pants pockets.
CVS is voluntarily recalling some cases of its herbal tea after learning it could be contaminated with salmonella. ***Oh, salmonella… I thought it said, “Now with salmon and vanilla”. Which might explain why I didn’t buy it in the first place.
ISIS is reportedly implementing reductions in benefits to their fighters in order to rein in costs. ***What? you’re cutting my health benefits? Well then forget it… you can find someone else to be a suicide bomber!
The House of Representatives has voted to make the American bison our “national mammal.” ***In a related story, New Jersey’s just named their state mammal as Chris Christie.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Nearly all drivers (96 percent) feel drowsy driving is an unacceptable behavior, yet almost a third (32 percent) admitted driving when they were so tired that they had difficulty keeping their eyes open just in the past month, according to a AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety survey. ***MARLAR: In other words, “do as I say, not as I do.” How surprising.
We all know that women outlive men, but now there’s evidence that women also stay smarter longer than guys do. Researchers say women tend to retain their overall intelligence longer than men in areas of vocabulary and general knowledge. Men tended to remain superior in the area of arithmetic. ***MARLAR: Great… when I’m old, all I’ll have left is math, which I was never very good at anyway.
The stress of daily life has sparked a new phenomenon — sleep texting. People with the rare condition send incoherent text messages while asleep to their friends and family, and are completely unaware they are doing it. Sleep specialist Dr. David Cunnington, of the Melbourne Sleep Disorder Center, said patients had reported sleep texting. There are no studies into sleep texting, but a similar phenomenon, sleep emailing, was studied in 2008. ***MARLAR: Wow… and you thought drunk dialing was embarrassing!
British researchers have isolated what they call a “hunger hormone” that can make people so hungry, they’ll eat one-third more food than usual. ***MARLAR: People with that hormone are called “Americans.”
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chess Set in Pawn Shop”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Rat Salad”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was lonely at his cave because no one ever passed by on the path anymore because they didn’t want to pay his tolls. They built their own path, toll free, but even after Gruffy took down his toll booth the rest of the animals still don’t want to use his path – even if he gives all of their money back.
CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 07/08
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, not only were the Cheetah Sisters no longer singing three-part-harmony, but nobody was singing or playing in harmony! Ever since Cheetah Bonita decided to go solo, everyone decided to go solo… and now there’s no more music in the jungle – it’s all just… well… NOISE!
CLOSE: Will Cheetah Bonita be able to run away from the squirrels? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Hey, there are free hugs on the streets of China! Who wants one? Apparently, nobody.
People in China have not warmed up to a “free hugs” campaign aimed at cheering up strangers by hugging them on the street. In fact, the tactic seems so strange that some huggers have been hauled away by police for questioning. The campaign hit the streets of a number of Chinese cities over the weekend, with participants opening their arms to embrace passers-by and brandishing cards saying “free hugs” and “care from strangers.” But in one incident, police moved in and took away four huggers briefly for questioning, seemingly baffled by their wacky, Western-style activities on a busy downtown shopping street.
TOP TEN LITTLE-KNOWN EXTREME SPORTS
- Uphill curling.
- Flaming hamster juggling.
- Synchronized downhill ping pong.
- Musical electric chairs.
- Bungee knitting.
- Chainsaw nail-trimming.
- The Pitbull Iditarod
- Sky dive kickboxing.
- Lava surfing!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
The game of Monopoly lands a man in jail… and in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: A man in Denmark was sentenced to 25 days in jail after trying to buy a pizza with fake banknotes he said his grandchildren had made for a game of Monopoly. The 57-year-old said he had rented two color photocopiers to make extra fake money for the game. He said he had simply made a mistake when he tried to pay for pizza and ice cream with a $80 bill. But the court, hearing that he had been carrying over $9,000 worth of forged notes when he was arrested, followed one of the Monopoly game’s instructions and told him to “Go to Jail.” Go directly to jail, do not pass “Go” and do not collect $200.
FILE #2: Soon after Robert Everett Benson robbed a convenience store a call came into 911 pinning the crook for the crime. And police had no reason to doubt the caller, since it came from Robert himself. Authorities say a sobbing Benson called police to report that he had robbed the Meeting Street Express convenience store in Lancaster, South Carolina. A clerk at the store said a man came in to buy gum earlier, then reached over the counter and grabbed about $50 dollars from the register before fleeing. Two hours later, sheriff’s dispatchers received a call from Benson who “was crying and kept stating that he had just robbed a store.” He was arrested at another convenience store, where authorities say he used a pay phone to turn himself in. He sure made the whole thing easy on the police — I guess that’s why they call them “convenience stores”.
FILE #3: A juror at a trial in England was discharged after his fellow jurors complained he had fleas. The jury at Liverpool Crown Court refused to continue sitting with the man, who had a very long beard, claiming that he had fleas and that they had seen “things jumping” on him. The judge told the man he was being discharged for “personal reasons.”
STRANGE LAW: In Whitehall, Montana, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
You would think that having your house catch on fire would be about the worst thing that could happen to you in any given day.
Such was not the case for Miami’s Roy Diaz and his family. When a fire broke out in his home, Diaz called firefighters, who rushed to the scene and extinguished the blaze. However, in doing so, they discovered 53 mature marijuana plants worth about $400,000. He was arrested on charges of trafficking in marijuana, grand theft of electrical power and child endangerment.
How do you wake up in the morning? You know, do you put the alarm clock across the room so you have to get out of bed to shut it off? Do you set two alarms? What crazy things have you tried in order to make sure you get out of bed in the morning? (Or to wake yourself up once you’re out of bed.)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who in the Bible attempted to control the hereditary traits of animals?
ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 30:37)
QUESTION: What was the name of the first judge of Israel?
ANSWER: Othniel (Judges 1:13; 3:9)
QUESTION: Under whose leadership did God divide the Jordan waters for Israel to cross?
ANSWER: Joshua (Joshua 3)
QUESTION: What was the servant’s name whose ear Peter cut off?
QUESTION: Napoleon, the bad-boy emperor of France, was not so fearless after all. Turns out he had a phobia. What was he afraid of?
ANSWER: Napoleon had ailurophobia — fear of kittens.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- “Frog” is a name for one of the parts of a horse’s hoof. (True)
- On average there are about 3000 earthquakes in the world each year. (False, it’s more like 50,000)
- President George W. Bush once said, “Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”. (False, it was Muhammad Ali)
- Mitch “Chopper” Jones was the only “M*A*S*H” character to go permanently AWOL. (False, Frank Burns)
- A Scott Paper Company survey concluded that more than two-thirds of people with master’s degrees and doctorates read in the bathroom. (True)
- The water moccasin, the most poisonous snake in North America, is also called the “Poisonmouth”. (False, it’s the “Cottonmouth”)
- Lake Huron is the only one of the Great Lakes that is entirely in the U.S. (False, Lake Michigan is the only one.)
- The largest state, in square footage, east of the Mississippi River is Georgia. (True)
- The cucumber has the fewest calories of all raw vegetables. (True)
- Pepsi owns the Minute Maid brand name. (False, it’s Coca-Cola)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
NASA FOUND AND KILLED __________ (MARTIANS)
NASA revealed last week that in 1976 that found life on Mars. They brought them home, but “accidentally” boiled them alive.
NASA found the Martians (less than an inch tall), and brought them back to Earth. But one NASA scientist mistook the Martians for sugar cubes and put them in his coffee. Thus, boiling the Martians to death.
The 36-year-old news was finally revealed by a retired NASA scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous. He said that he “couldn’t die” without revealing that life was found on Mars and that he… accidentally killed them.
“I feel terrible,” the scientist told WWN. ”It would have made my career. Instead, I’m a laughing stock of NASA.”
The Martian life was brought back to Earth via NASA’s Viking Mars robots in 1976.
Biologist Todd Markham, of the University of Southern California, told WWN: “I’m 99 per cent sure there’s life there. And this proves I’m right.”
Dr. Markham wants NASA to send a craft back to Mars to gather more Martians – and keep them away from absent-minded scientists!
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!” said her father, intending to make a point, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
The teenager replied, “It was a wrong number.”
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses’ exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: “Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for dinner!”
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.” God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn’t get that email either, eh? Bummer.
The more we know about nature, the less special human beings seem to be. The latest ego bring-down involves music. Scientists now say that certain creatures, such as the humpback whale and many birds, produce complicated music that sometimes resembles the structure of human compositions. ***MARLAR: I always thought disco was for the birds.
A study in the U.K. found that the average woman spends over $20,000 in her lifetime on clothes that she never wears, mostly because she buys too small a size in hopes of dieting into it, then doesn’t. ***MARLAR: That’s not all bad though. After all, that’s $20,000 she did not spend on cheesecake.
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?” Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
AS REAL AS A 200 DOLLAR BILL
Authorities in Danville, Kentucky say a woman drove through a Dairy Queen drive-thru ordering $2.12 worth of food. She paid with a bill clearly marked as “moral legal tender to preserve the U.S. Constitution” and in a denomination of $200. If the idea of a $200 bill wasn’t crazy enough, the fake bill was also taped together. Plus, it featured President George W. Bush smirking from the portrait section. The treasury seal is marked with “The right to bear arms.” The bill gives credit to Ronald Reagan as political mentor and Bush’s father as his campaign advisor and mentor. On the back, the traditional White House scene is there, with an oil well pumping oil on the lawn. Yard signs planted in the foreground read; “We like broccoli” and “Rooms not for rent.” But here’s the scariest part… the clerk promptly handed her over $197 in change! Authorities say whoever passed the bill won’t be charged with counterfeiting but will face other charges. ***MARLAR: I think I’m more frightened at the fact that someone actually accepted a $200 bill.
HEAVEN’S GROCERY STORE
As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.
When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said “My child shop with care.”
Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.
As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel “Now how much do I owe?”
He smiled and said “Just take them everywhere you go.”
Again I asked “Really now, How much do I owe?”
“My child” he said, “God paid your bill a long long time ago.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)
Read: Mark 6:30-32
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. –Psalm 46:10
Silence can be a powerful tool. Before an important game, some football coaches will isolate their players in a quiet, peaceful environment to let them prepare for the game ahead.
How many times have you longed to get away from all the noise in your life–your dorm neighbors, or your kid brother’s stereo–to study, or just to enjoy a little peace and quiet? (Bet you never thought you’d like the library so much!)
Times of quiet are vital to our relationship with God too. I’m not referring to what our Christian culture calls “quiet times”; too often they turn into rushed devotionals in loud rooms. I’m talking about those quiet, isolated moments away from the rush and the noise, when it’s just you and God . . . your thoughts and His thoughts . . . when the only music is the wind blowing, a bird singing, or the waves crashing.
It takes effort, though. Chances are, you’re not going to “stumble onto” a quiet place anytime soon. You may need to plan a quiet day of your own–no racket, no rush, no friends. Go ahead, you can handle it for a few hours! Just you and God.
Take a look back at this past week. Has it been a rush of paperwork, term papers, teachers or bosses lecturing you, loud music on the car stereo, and crowded fast-food joints? Maybe it’s time for you to do what Jesus told His disciples to do: “Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31).
Take your Bible, jump in the car, and escape for some times of quiet of your own. You’ll be surprised at what you might hear when you take time to be still and listen to God speak through His Word.
EL BURRITO GRANDE!
Armed police in Clovis, New Mexico, invaded Marshall Junior High School after a call came in about a student bringing in a large bomb-shaped object. The suspicious item was eventually identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, lettuce and salsa and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt. The kid had made the giant burrito for a class project. ***MARLAR: Have you ever had one of those giant burritos at El Burrito Loco? Trust me, they can easily be seen as weapons of mass destruction!
LIFE… LIVE IT
Ladies, have you ever wondered why your guy never pays attention to you at home, but then when you want to go out he complains?
There is an answer – and the answer is that he IS paying attention to you at home… just in his own way. According to Steven Stosny, PH.D., co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, “Men see relationships more as a place to relax than a dynamic interaction. So while you feel like he’s ignoring you, he’s comforted by your mere presence and feels he’s honoring your relationship by unwinding around you. But when you leave, he loses that sense of connection, making his secure base – you – suddenly seem less secure.” So what do you do? Try making more connections with your husband when you’re home – go out of your way to touch him, cuddle, give him a hug, and make that part of your everyday routine. That’ll help not just him feel more secure, but both of you – and he’ll feel more content when you’re not around too! (Redbook)
WAYS TO SAVE MONEY ON DATE NIGHT
- Go out early or late. Some restaurants offer 1/2 price and discounted prices on off hours.
- Utilize your memberships. If you have kids, you may have annual passes to museums, zoos, parks, and attractions. Sometimes leave the kids behind and just go by yourself.
- Keep it simple (and inexpensive) – visit your neighborhood coffee shop.
- Can’t get away from the house? Put the kids to bed on-time or even early. When you are able to get your kids in bed at a good time, you can have an hour or two of at-home date time.
JUST FOR FUN
It’s a fact – nearly no serious accidents occur in bumper-to-bumper traffic, so the Department of Transportation is adopting a plan to cover America with 10-lane highways that have one-lane bridges and overpasses in each direction every few miles.
According to the D.O.T., by forcing five lanes of high-speed traffic onto a one-lane bridge each way, the number of fender benders is slashed to almost nothing. Department of Transportation planner Dr. Simon Mudohead continues to explain, “And I guarantee no traffic fatalities – it’s difficult to be killed in a car traveling an average of 5mph. In some places, the back-ups will have back-ups, creating perfect 100 percent safety for American drivers. Hey, we’re saving lives here.” Of course, this is being reported by the Weekly World News – a tabloid magazine… so you can now stop being irate now, it’s likely never going to happen.
SICK OF CALLING IN SICK
What kind of excuses have you heard people give to get out of work? A survey by CCH Incorporated found that the rate of unscheduled absenteeism is at a five-year high. It also found that most employees who fail to show up for work, however, aren’t physically ill. Why we call in sick:
- Personal Illness, 38%
- Family Issues, 23%
- Personal Needs, 18%
- Stress, 11%
- Entitlement Mentality, 10%
Here are what employers told CareerBuilder.com some of the most unusual excuses they have heard:
- “I was sprayed by a skunk.”
- “I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.”
- “My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.”
- “I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.”
- “I couldn’t find my shoes.”
- “I hurt myself bowling.”
- “I was spit on by a venomous snake.”
- “I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.”
- “A hitman was looking for me.”
- “My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.”
- “I eloped.”
- “My cat unplugged my alarm clock.”
- “I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India.”
- “I forgot to come back to work after lunch.”
- “I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Do you nap in the middle of the day? Turns out you’re not alone – not by a long shot!
(National Examiner) Whether they’re taking siestas, power naps or beauty sleeps, 34% of North Americans regularly curl up for a midday snooze, says a study by the Pew Research Center. In a poll of 1,488 adults, 38% of men between 18 and 49 and 31% of women between 18 and 49 reported taking a nap within the previous 24 hours. In the over 50 crowd, 41% of men and 28% of women admitted catching daytime ZZZs. Naps were on the agenda for 33% of the people who earned more than $100,000 a year, 21% of people who earned between $75,000 and $99,000 a year, 31% of people who earned between $50,000 and $74,000, 35% of people who earned between $30,000 and $49,000 and 42% of folks who earned less than $30,000 a year. ***MARLAR: The less you make, the more you snooze. Or is it, the more you snooze, the less you make? If that’s the case – I need to find a way to stay up all night.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Nearly four in 10 Republican voters who identify themselves as “born again” or “evangelical” don’t believe the Bible is the literal Word of God. Pew Research published an analysis last month on the evangelical vote in the 2016 election season, using data accrued from the 2014 Religious Landscape Study. That data found that 39 percent of self-identified evangelical voters in the Republican Party do not believe the Bible is literal Word of God. Meanwhile, a recent Wall Street Journal poll which showed only 38 percent of Trump supporters attended worship on a weekly or more basis. By contrast, 56 percent of supporters of more socially conservative candidates like Sen. Ted Cruz attended weekly or more.
Bereaved parents are demanding more compensation from China’s government, blaming the now-defunct one-child policy for robbing them of the chance to have more kids. The anger of such parents has intensified since the government last year announced it was reforming the one-child policy and giving couples the option of having a second baby. For decades, such an offense brought serious punishment including jail time, fines, or forced sterilization.
7 WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN YOU’RE CRAZY BUSY
- Order “coffee, black.”
- Smelling fresh green apples, bananas and pears can curb appetite and make sugary desserts less appealing,
- Dreaming about eating an entire packet of your favorite candy before indulging may cause you to eat less of it.
- Schedule a workout with a friend.
- Eat frozen veggies rather than canned.
- So called stone fruits—like plums, peaches and nectarines—may help ward off belly fat, high cholesterol and insulin resistance.
- Eat an apple or a broth-based soup prior to sitting down to a restaurant meal
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” makes a pretty good philosophy of justice, but take my word for it — it stinks royally as a theme for the senior prom. –Brad Hamer
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 29, 2016…
Mother’s Day—Garry Marshall gathers quite a cast here and directs them in a comedy about relationships. The stars include Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Jason Sudeikis, Timothy Olyphant and Jon Lovitz. “Mother’s Day” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Rachet & Clank—a 3D, animated film adapted from the game series. The film has the duo meeting for the first time and how they want to save the Soiana Galaxy from the bad guys. Voices are Rachet (James Arnold Taylor), Clank (David Kay), Paul Giamatti (Chairman Drek), and Sylvester Stallone as Victor Von Ion, a bad guy. “Rachet & Clank” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
Keanu—This is a comedy about two guys looking for their lost cat, Keanu. It seems as though the cat can really get into trouble. Stars include Keegan Michael Key, Peele, Method Man, Nia Long and Will Forte. “Keanu” is rated PG 13. No rating.
MAY 06, 2016…
Captain America: Civil War has just about anyone in Hollywood who can hold a shield in the cast. Stars Chris Evans as Captain America and Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man.
Going in Style has Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine, in their later years, planning a robbery.
Dark Horse (opening in select cities) is based on a true story of a chess player who is bi-polar. Stars Cliff Curtis.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.