May 02, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I got off to a bad start this morning. I woke up right on time and messed up my usual schedule.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:6-8

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. — Hebrews 11:6

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. — 1 Timothy 4:15-16

Thought: “Be diligent!” That’s not a phrase you hear much about these days. We want things to come easily. Sweat in the world of pseudo-faith is frowned upon. But, Paul wanted Timothy (and us) to know that maturity in Christ requires genuine effort. Having a redemptive influence on others is hard work. While it is God’s power that transforms, our effort is also required. God gives us the assurance that this effort will not only bear fruit in our own lives, but it will also lead others to salvation as well.

Prayer: Abba Father, please stir my confidence, courage, diligence, and determination so that the salvation you have blessed me with can be shared with others because of my life, my teaching, and my example. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 5:2 NIV = and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 02, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
236 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL ROWDY FRIENDS DAY, a time to check up on your old rowdy friends to see if they’re okay.  ***Unless you’re like me and you ARE one of your rowdy friends – at which point you might be in need of some psychiatric counseling.

Today is NATIONAL TRUFFLES DAY. ***Like a bridge, over truffled water…”

Today is NATIONAL BABY’S DAY, a day to celebrate babies as a blessing from God. Babies Day is observed on the birth date of Dr. Benjamin Spock. ***Not to be confused with Mr. Spock who has pointed ears and no sense of humor or parenting skills.

Today is TAKE A BABY TO LUNCH DAY. ***Now, for all of you would-be Cassanovas out there, this does not mean taking a really attractive lady out for lunch. We’re talking real babies… as in young, tiny, humans that require a bib and a diaper. The Mrs. and I will be borrowing the neighbors’ baby today… if for no other reason than to just reconfirm why we don’t have children.

And finally, today is SIBLING APPRECIATION DAY. It’s a day to be especially nice to your siblings… that’d be your brothers and/or sisters. ***Maybe you can buy them lunch. Better yet, hand them the money for lunch, and then hand them the baby too, problem solved!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Amtrak Day
Batman Day
Beltane
Executive Coaching Day
Global Love Day
Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day
Law Day
Lei Day
Lemonade Day
Loyalty Day
May Day
Melanoma Monday
Mother Goose Day
National Bubba Day
National Library Legislative Day
National Purebred Dog Day
New Homeowner’s Day
School Principals’ Day
Silver Star Day
Stepmother’s Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 02

Roberts Rule of Order Day
Childhood Depression Awareness Day
World Asthma Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 03

Garden Meditation Day
Great American Grump Out
International Day Against DRM
Lumpy Rug Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day

THURSDAY, MAY 04

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
World Password Day
World Give Day

FRIDAY, MAY 05

Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
International Space Day
National Astronaut Day
Totally Chipotle Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Tuba Day

SATURDAY, MAY 06

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Dandelion Day
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Mariachi Day
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Russel Stover Candies Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
National Barrier Awareness Day
Rural Life Sunday
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 08

Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

TUESDAY, MAY 09

National Moscato Day
Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

ON THIS DAY

1519: One of history’s superstars died. His name was Leonardo; he was born in Vinci, Italy; so they called him Leonardo da Vinci. ***Imagine what life would be like if they still named people like that! Just try looking up the phone number for John of New York.

1939: Not hitting well and feeling bad, Ironman Lou Gehrig took himself out of the Yankee line-up after playing 2,130 consecutive games. The Yankees destroyed Detroit 22-2, and Gehrig never played baseball again.

1954: Stan “The Man” Musial of the St. Louis Cardinals set a major league record when he hit five home runs in a doubleheader against the New York Giants. Though he went 6-8 with five home runs for the day, he only drove in 8 runs. In 1972 San Diego Padre Nate Colbert equaled the feat, hitting five home runs in a double header against the Atlanta Braves.

1956: For the first time in “Billboard” chart history, five singles were in both the pop and the R&B top 10: Elvis Presley’s “Heartbreak Hotel,” Carl Perkins’ “Blue Suede Shoes,” Little Richard’s “Long Tall Sally,” the Platters’ “Magic Touch,” and Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers’ “Why Do Fools Fall in Love.”

1960: Billboard magazine reported that, in the wake of the payola scandal, many radio stations were switching to a “better music” format and banning rock & roll.

1964: The Rolling Stones appeared on U.S. charts for the first time with “Not Fade Away.”

1988: A sinkhole in Sebring, Florida, opened to 200 feet wide and swallowed a house.

1989: A mall security guard in Simi Valley, California, followed a mysterious window shopper who obviously was wearing false hair and a moustache and ratty-looking clothes. Turned out to be singer Michael Jackson.

1990: A mugger in London’s financial district attacked a money-brokers messenger and escaped with $484.7-million worth of treasury notes. The worldwide financial network, however, prevented the thief from cashing in any of the loot.

1991: Mike Lehtonen and Juhani Saramies left Nokia, Finland, in history’s longest taxicab ride. They took a 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running. It cost $16,000. No word on the tip. ***The trip would’ve been shorter, but the cabbie didn’t speak English.

1997: 44-year-old Tony Blair became Britain’s youngest prime minister in 185 years.

1999: In Hudson, Ontario, police reported an attempted burglary where a parrot apparently ran off the intruder. Police surmise that the suspect knocked over the cage and freed the bird. They found the parrot loose and blood drops on the furniture and carpet around the house. Nothing was missing.

2000: Jockey Julie Krone became the first female elected to thoroughbred racing’s hall of fame.

2001: A 77-year-old man who admitted holding up three banks to pay for dates with his 79-year-old girlfriend was sentenced to three years in federal prison. The defendant said he couldn’t believe he did it.

2007: Iowa spent $6,000 to change the locks at one of its state prisons after someone paid $12 on e-Bay for a set of keys belonging to a guard who retired in the 1970s. The warden said he did not know if any of the old keys actually opened any of the locks in the 135-year-old prison — but he was not sure they didn’t. The prison housed a number of violent criminals.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

373: Church father Athanasius, “the father of Orthodoxy,” dies. He attended the Council of Nicea, and after becoming bishop of Alexandria, he fought Arianism and won. He was also the first to list the New Testament canonical books as we know them today.

1507: Two years after entering the Augustinian monastery at Erfurt, future German reformer Martin Luther, 23, was consecrated a priest. (Luther remained in the order until 1521, when he was excommunicated from the Catholic Church.)

1559: John Knox, having spent several years on the Continent studying and writing, returns to Scotland to help lead the Reformation there.

1821: Methodist missionary William Taylor is born in Virginia. He ministered to miners during the California gold rush and later became missionary Bishop of Africa (1884-1896). Taylor University in Upland, Indiana, named itself after him.

1872: A lectureship was established at Yale Divinity School in memory of American clergyman Lyman Beecher (1775-1863). The lectures were to cover topics on preaching and the work of the Christian ministry.

1922: Birth of missions pioneer Bob Finley. In 1953 he chartered the Christian Aid Mission in Washington, D.C. Today, this evangelical group works in over 40 countries, and is headquartered in Charlottesville, Virginia.

1913: The love letters of the Christian poet and Englishman Robert Browning to Elizabeth Barrett are sold. Browning inspired Elizabeth to rise from her sick bed through a faith expressed somewhat in terms of positive thinking.

1949: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘The man who will not act until he knows all will never act at all.’

1956: The General Conference of the Methodist Church, held in Minneapolis, demanded abolishment of racial segregation in all Methodist churches.

1982: The ailing pastor Lin Xiangao is arrested in Guangzhou, China, for holding house church services despite a government ban.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Born on the Fourth of July, Six LeMeure on “Blossom,” Stevie Van Lowe on “The Parkers”) Jenna Von Oy 40 (audio clip)

  • wrestler-actor (The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, Doom) Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 45

  • actress (Constanze Mozart in Amadeus, Annie Oakley in Hidalgo) Elizabeth Berridge 55

  • actress (Welcome to Mooseport, How the Grinch Stole Christmas) Christine Baranski 65

  • The King James Bible is 406 (***And sounds like it if you read it outloud.)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1933 : Bunk Gardner (Mothers of Invention)

1936 : Link Wray

1936 : Engelbert Humperdinck

1944 : Bob Henrit (The Kinks, Argent)

1945 : Goldy McJohn (Steppenwolf)

1946 : Lesley Gore

1948 : Larry Gatlin

1950 : Lou Gramm (Foreigner)

1951 : John Glascock (Jethro Tull)

1954 : Prescott Niles (The Knack)

1955 : Jo Callis (The Human League)

1984 : Rose Falcon

1985 : Lily Allen

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where in the world does it rain the most?

Anywhere I plan to have a picnic. Actually, it’s on the island of Kauai in so-called “sunny” Hawaii. There, on the slippery slopes of Mt. Waialeale, you never have to get a forecast to know if you should take an umbrella. You should wear one all the time on your head because Waialeale gets an average 472 inches of rain a year. While we’re into liquid data, note that the most rainfall in a 24-hour period anywhere was the 46 inches that fell on Bauio in the Philippines in 1911. The most in any place in a given year was the 905 inches that went drippy-poo on Cherrapunki, India in 1861. In other words, if the place you’re planning on vacationing is hard to spell or pronounce, plan to stay indoors.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(CURRENTLY ON BREAK, RETURNING SOON)

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Johnny Depp made a surprise appearance at Disneyland this week, heading to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. Depp surprised guests as they rode by in their boats. ***It backfired though, as parents kept saying, “Look kids – it’s Caitlyn Jenner!”

A 12-year-old boy attempting to drive across Australia by himself drove more than 800 miles before police caught up with him. ***Apparently it takes a long time for Australian parents to realize that their kids are missing or cars have been stolen.

In Bath Township, Ohio, 20-year-old Joseph Murphy called 911 and said he needed a police dog. When the dispatcher asked why, Murphy said, “She stole heroin from me.” So yeah, the police showed up and body cameras show officers questioning Murphy. On the video, Murphy can be heard explaining that a woman stole money from him. But the officers wanted to know about the heroin that he mentioned on the emergency call. A short time later, officers were surprised when Murphy pulled a “brown waxy substance” from his pants. We’ll let you guess what it was. Police seized the substance and a felony drug possession charge is expected after test results are returned from Ohio Bureau of Criminal Investigation. Incidentally, Murphy was also arrested for DUI after crashing a Mercedes with a blood alcohol level was .121. Murphy also made national headlines on New Year’s Day, accused of urinating on a Florida trooper’s leg during a disorderly conduct arrest on a Disney property. ***This is your brain on drugs… any questions?

In Goodyear, Arizona, 49-year-old Darrly Ingram was charged with child abuse because police say he used a stun gun on his son multiple times – because the 11-year-old boy didn’t do his homework. ***Yeah, I’m thinking there are better ways to motivate your kid to do his homework.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have cut the league’s first Lithuanian player and replaced him with the first African. ***And the shouts of racism begin in 3… 2… 1…

Kashmir has shut down all social networks for a month. ***That might work in Kashmir – but in this country it’s a sure-fire way to get people to finally leave the house… and begin looting.

Martha Stewart has opened up an Internet wine business. ***Apparently she came up with the perfect using the toilet while in prison.

In an interview with Reuters on his first 100 days in office, President Trump says he misses driving, feels as if he is in a cocoon, and is surprised how hard his new job is. ***Surprised how hard his new job is? We are in biiiiiig trouble, people.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Japan is hoping to boost tourism by using one of the most famous figures from its history — the ninja. A “ninja council” has been set up by mayors and governors from around the country. Officials are hoping that global interest in the mysterious figures will encourage people to visit Japan. ***The downside of the council is that no one will ever see them because, well, they’re ninjas.

Train Up a Child In the Way They Should… Phone? Moms are sharing their smartphones and other technologies with their kids, some as young as one year old. Moms use gadgets such as smartphones to keep their kids quiet and engaged. During car travel, DVD players and Nintendo DS have highest use, followed by smartphones. Moms now load up their phones with games and music selections specifically for their kids. ***But it can be embarrassing – especially when your husband calls and the ringtone switches to “The Cow Goes Mooooo…”

Spending hours playing violent video games stunts teenagers’ emotional growth, a study has found. It is thought that regular exposure to violence and lack of contact with the outside world makes it harder for them to tell right from wrong. They also struggle to trust other people, and see the world from their perspective. Researchers from Brock University in Ontario found that those who spend more than three hours each day in front of the screen are particularly unlikely to have developed the ability to empathize. ***So if you get attacked by a horde of zombies and your entire family is bitten and transform into the undead and they are all chasing after you to eat your brains – don’t complain to a teenager, they’re not going to care.

A recent study shows that sitting too much may increase the risk of disability in older Americans. ***This is awkward – bad news that you can’t break to someone by saying “you’d better sit down”.

If you’re looking to get the most out of your regular workout, then head outdoors. New research has found that any exercise will help deal with stress, but working out in natural environments is much better for your mental health than working out in a gym. ***Right. Because I feel SO much better when I’m sweating in the humidity while getting a sunburn and swatting away mosquitoes.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion, a very young lion, was having a hard time dealing with his new responsibilities of being king of the jungle. In fact, he couldn’t make any decisions at all for the animals – but they were counting on him to make decisions on just about everything!

CLOSE: If Louis sneaks off to find someone else to be king, who will he find? And what will the animals do in the meantime? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Hey, there are free hugs on the streets of China!  Who wants one?  Apparently, nobody.  

People in China have not warmed up to a “free hugs” campaign aimed at cheering up strangers by hugging them on the street. In fact, the tactic seems so strange that some huggers have been hauled away by police for questioning. The campaign hit the streets of a number of Chinese cities over the weekend, with participants opening their arms to embrace passers-by and brandishing cards saying “free hugs” and “care from strangers.” But in one incident, police moved in and took away four huggers briefly for questioning, seemingly baffled by their wacky, Western-style activities on a busy downtown shopping street.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LITTLE-KNOWN EXTREME SPORTS

10. Uphill curling.

9. Flaming hamster juggling.

8. Synchronized downhill ping pong.

7. Musical electric chairs.

6. Bungee knitting.

5. Chainsaw nail-trimming.

4. The Pitbull Iditarod

3. Sky dive kickboxing.

2. Shark-wrestling.

1. Lava surfing!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The game of Monopoly lands a man in jail… and in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A man in Denmark was sentenced to 25 days in jail after trying to buy a pizza with fake banknotes he said his grandchildren had made for a game of Monopoly. The 57-year-old said he had rented two color photocopiers to make extra fake money for the game. He said he had simply made a mistake when he tried to pay for pizza and ice cream with a $80 bill. But the court, hearing that he had been carrying over $9,000 worth of forged notes when he was arrested, followed one of the Monopoly game’s instructions and told him to “Go to Jail.”  Go directly to jail, do not pass “Go” and do not collect $200.

FILE #2: Soon after Robert Everett Benson robbed a convenience store a call came into 911 pinning the crook for the crime. And police had no reason to doubt the caller, since it came from Robert himself. Authorities say a sobbing Benson called police to report that he had robbed the Meeting Street Express convenience store in Lancaster, South Carolina. A clerk at the store said a man came in to buy gum earlier, then reached over the counter and grabbed about $50 dollars from the register before fleeing. Two hours later, sheriff’s dispatchers received a call from Benson who “was crying and kept stating that he had just robbed a store.” He was arrested at another convenience store, where authorities say he used a pay phone to turn himself in. He sure made the whole thing easy on the police — I guess that’s why they call them “convenience stores”.

FILE #3: A juror at a trial in England was discharged after his fellow jurors complained he had fleas. The jury at Liverpool Crown Court refused to continue sitting with the man, who had a very long beard, claiming that he had fleas and that they had seen “things jumping” on him. The judge told the man he was being discharged for “personal reasons.”

STRANGE LAW: In Whitehall, Montana, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

You would think that having your house catch on fire would be about the worst thing that could happen to you in any given day.

Such was not the case for Miami’s Roy Diaz and his family. When a fire broke out in his home, Diaz called firefighters, who rushed to the scene and extinguished the blaze. However, in doing so, they discovered 53 mature marijuana plants worth about $400,000. He was arrested on charges of trafficking in marijuana, grand theft of electrical power and child endangerment.

PHONER PHUN

How do you wake up in the morning? You know, do you put the alarm clock across the room so you have to get out of bed to shut it off? Do you set two alarms? What crazy things have you tried in order to make sure you get out of bed in the morning? (Or to wake yourself up once you’re out of bed.)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who in the Bible attempted to control the hereditary traits of animals?

ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 30:37)

QUESTION: What was the name of the first judge of Israel?
ANSWER: Othniel (Judges 1:13; 3:9)

QUESTION: Under whose leadership did God divide the Jordan waters for Israel to cross?

ANSWER: Joshua (Joshua 3)

QUESTION: What was the servant’s name whose ear Peter cut off?

ANSWER: Horeb

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Napoleon, the bad-boy emperor of France, was not so fearless after all. Turns out he had a phobia. What was he afraid of?

ANSWER: Napoleon had ailurophobia — fear of kittens.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. “Frog” is a name for one of the parts of a horse’s hoof. (True)

2. On average there are about 3000 earthquakes in the world each year. (False, it’s more like 50,000)

3. President George W. Bush once said, “Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”. (False, it was Muhammad Ali)

4. Mitch “Chopper” Jones was the only “M*A*S*H” character to go permanently AWOL. (False, Frank Burns)

5. A Scott Paper Company survey concluded that more than two-thirds of people with master’s degrees and doctorates read in the bathroom. (True)

6. The water moccasin, the most poisonous snake in North America, is also called the “Poisonmouth”. (False, it’s the “Cottonmouth”)

7. Lake Huron is the only one of the Great Lakes that is entirely in the U.S. (False, Lake Michigan is the only one.)

8. The largest state, in square footage, east of the Mississippi River is Georgia. (True)

9. The cucumber has the fewest calories of all raw vegetables. (True)

10. Pepsi owns the Minute Maid brand name. (False, it’s Coca-Cola)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

NASA FOUND AND KILLED __________ (MARTIANS)

NASA revealed last week that in 1976 that found life on Mars.  They brought them home, but “accidentally” boiled them alive.

NASA found the Martians (less than an inch tall), and brought them back to Earth.  But one NASA scientist mistook the Martians for sugar cubes and put them in his coffee.  Thus, boiling the Martians to death.

Oops.

The 36-year-old news was finally revealed by a retired NASA scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous.  He said that he “couldn’t die” without revealing that life was found on Mars and that he… accidentally killed them.

“I feel terrible,” the scientist told WWN.  ”It would have made my career.  Instead, I’m a laughing stock of NASA.”

The Martian life was brought back to Earth via NASA’s Viking Mars robots in 1976.

Biologist Todd Markham, of the University of Southern California, told WWN: “I’m 99 per cent sure there’s life there.  And this proves I’m right.”

Dr. Markham wants NASA to send a craft back to Mars to gather more Martians – and keep them away from absent-minded scientists!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!” said her father, intending to make a point, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
The teenager replied, “It was a wrong number.”

JOKE #2

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.  The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses’ exams.  These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed.  When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:  “Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for dinner!”

JOKE #3

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.” God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn’t get that email either, eh?  Bummer.

USELESS FACTS

The more we know about nature, the less special human beings seem to be. The latest ego bring-down involves music. Scientists now say that certain creatures, such as the humpback whale and many birds, produce complicated music that sometimes resembles the structure of human compositions. ***I always thought disco was for the birds.

A study in the U.K. found that the average woman spends over $20,000 in her lifetime on clothes that she never wears, mostly because she buys too small a size in hopes of dieting into it, then doesn’t.  ***That’s not all bad though.  After all, that’s $20,000 she did not spend on cheesecake.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WEBSTER

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?” Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

AS REAL AS A 200 DOLLAR BILL

Authorities in Danville, Kentucky say a woman drove through a Dairy Queen drive-thru ordering $2.12 worth of food. She paid with a bill clearly marked as “moral legal tender to preserve the U.S. Constitution” and in a denomination of $200. If the idea of a $200 bill wasn’t crazy enough, the fake bill was also taped together. Plus, it featured President George W. Bush smirking from the portrait section. The treasury seal is marked with “The right to bear arms.” The bill gives credit to Ronald Reagan as political mentor and Bush’s father as his campaign advisor and mentor. On the back, the traditional White House scene is there, with an oil well pumping oil on the lawn. Yard signs planted in the foreground read; “We like broccoli” and “Rooms not for rent.”  But here’s the scariest part… the clerk promptly handed her over $197 in change! Authorities say whoever passed the bill won’t be charged with counterfeiting but will face other charges. ***MARLAR: I think I’m more frightened at the fact that someone actually accepted a $200 bill.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HEAVEN’S GROCERY STORE

As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago

I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide

And when I came to myself I was standing inside.

I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere

One handed me a basket and said “My child shop with care.”

Everything a human needed was in that grocery store

And what you could not carry you could come back for more

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.

Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.

I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.

And Charity of course I would need some of that too.

And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.

My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,

And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free

I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,

For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,

For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.

Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel “Now how much do I owe?”

He smiled and said “Just take them everywhere you go.”

Again I asked “Really now, How much do I owe?”

“My child” he said, “God paid your bill a long long time ago.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

Read: Mark 6:30-32

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. –Psalm 46:10

Silence can be a powerful tool. Before an important game, some football coaches will isolate their players in a quiet, peaceful environment to let them prepare for the game ahead.

How many times have you longed to get away from all the noise in your life–your dorm neighbors, or your kid brother’s stereo–to study, or just to enjoy a little peace and quiet? (Bet you never thought you’d like the library so much!)

Times of quiet are vital to our relationship with God too. I’m not referring to what our Christian culture calls “quiet times”; too often they turn into rushed devotionals in loud rooms. I’m talking about those quiet, isolated moments away from the rush and the noise, when it’s just you and God . . . your thoughts and His thoughts . . . when the only music is the wind blowing, a bird singing, or the waves crashing.

It takes effort, though. Chances are, you’re not going to “stumble onto” a quiet place anytime soon. You may need to plan a quiet day of your own–no racket, no rush, no friends. Go ahead, you can handle it for a few hours! Just you and God.

Take a look back at this past week. Has it been a rush of paperwork, term papers, teachers or bosses lecturing you, loud music on the car stereo, and crowded fast-food joints? Maybe it’s time for you to do what Jesus told His disciples to do: “Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31).

Take your Bible, jump in the car, and escape for some times of quiet of your own. You’ll be surprised at what you might hear when you take time to be still and listen to God speak through His Word.

–John Carvalho

LEFTOVERS

EL BURRITO GRANDE!

Armed police in Clovis, New Mexico, invaded Marshall Junior High School after a call came in about a student bringing in a large bomb-shaped object. The suspicious item was eventually identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, lettuce and salsa and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt. The kid had made the giant burrito for a class project.  ***MARLAR: Have you ever had one of those giant burritos at El Burrito Loco? Trust me, they can easily be seen as weapons of mass destruction!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Ladies, have you ever wondered why your guy never pays attention to you at home, but then when you want to go out he complains? 

There is an answer – and the answer is that he IS paying attention to you at home… just in his own way.  According to Steven Stosny, PH.D., co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, “Men see relationships more as a place to relax than a dynamic interaction.  So while you feel like he’s ignoring you, he’s comforted by your mere presence and feels he’s honoring your relationship by unwinding around you. But when you leave, he loses that sense of connection, making his secure base – you – suddenly seem less secure.”  So what do you do?  Try making more connections with your husband when you’re home – go out of your way to touch him, cuddle, give him a hug, and make that part of your everyday routine.  That’ll help not just him feel more secure, but both of you – and he’ll feel more content when you’re not around too!  (Redbook)

WAYS TO SAVE MONEY ON DATE NIGHT

  • Go out early or late. Some restaurants offer 1/2 price and discounted prices on off hours.

  • Utilize your memberships. If you have kids, you may have annual passes to museums, zoos, parks, and attractions. Sometimes leave the kids behind and just go by yourself.

  • Keep it simple (and inexpensive) – visit your neighborhood coffee shop.

  • Can’t get away from the house? Put the kids to bed on-time or even early. When you are able to get your kids in bed at a good time, you can have an hour or two of at-home date time.

JUST FOR FUN

It’s a fact – nearly no serious accidents occur in bumper-to-bumper traffic, so the Department of Transportation is adopting a plan to cover America with 10-lane highways that have one-lane bridges and overpasses in each direction every few miles. 

According to the D.O.T., by forcing five lanes of high-speed traffic onto a one-lane bridge each way, the number of fender benders is slashed to almost nothing.  Department of Transportation planner Dr. Simon Mudohead continues to explain, “And I guarantee no traffic fatalities – it’s difficult to be killed in a car traveling an average of 5mph.  In some places, the back-ups will have back-ups, creating perfect 100 percent safety for American drivers. Hey, we’re saving lives here.”  Of course, this is being reported by the Weekly World News – a tabloid magazine… so you can now stop being irate now, it’s likely never going to happen.

FUN LIST

SICK OF CALLING IN SICK

What kind of excuses have you heard people give to get out of work?  A survey by CCH Incorporated found that the rate of unscheduled absenteeism is at a five-year high. It also found that most employees who fail to show up for work, however, aren’t physically ill. Why we call in sick:

  • Personal Illness, 38%

  • Family Issues, 23%

  • Personal Needs, 18%

  • Stress, 11%

  • Entitlement Mentality, 10%

Here are what employers told CareerBuilder.com some of the most unusual excuses they have heard:

  • “I was sprayed by a skunk.”

  • “I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.”

  • “My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.”

  • “I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.”

  • “I couldn’t find my shoes.”

  • “I hurt myself bowling.”

  • “I was spit on by a venomous snake.”

  • “I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.”

  • “A hitman was looking for me.”

  • “My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.”

  • “I eloped.”

  • “My cat unplugged my alarm clock.”

  • “I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India.”

  • “I forgot to come back to work after lunch.”

  • “I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Do you nap in the middle of the day?  Turns out you’re not alone – not by a long shot!

(National Examiner) Whether they’re taking siestas, power naps or beauty sleeps, 34% of North Americans regularly curl up for a midday snooze, says a study by the Pew Research Center. In a poll of 1,488 adults, 38% of men between 18 and 49 and 31% of women between 18 and 49 reported taking a nap within the previous 24 hours. In the over 50 crowd, 41% of men and 28% of women admitted catching daytime ZZZs. Naps were on the agenda for 33% of the people who earned more than $100,000 a year, 21% of people who earned between $75,000 and $99,000 a year, 31% of people who earned between $50,000 and $74,000, 35% of people who earned between $30,000 and $49,000 and 42% of folks who earned less than $30,000 a year. ***MARLAR: The less you make, the more you snooze.  Or is it, the more you snooze, the less you make?  If that’s the case – I need to find a way to stay up all night. 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you want to remember where you put your car keys — as well as what you had for lunch yesterday, the name of that new guy at work and the date of your next dentist appointment — start clenching your hands. Clenching your right hand may help create a stronger memory of an event or action, and clenching your left hand may help you recall the memory later, Medical News Today reports of research from Montclair State University in New Jersey. Specifically, clenching your hands increases brain activity in the frontal lobe and appears to help solidify memories. “This effect of hand-clenching on memory may be because clenching a fist activates specific brain regions that are also associated with memory formation,” said Propper. By temporarily changing the way the brain functions, some simple body movements can actually serve to improve memory. ***So if you want to remember where you parked your car – shake an angry fist at it!

Don’t be rushed through your doctor visit. If you want more face time with your doctor, a new study found that patients who arrived early for a medical appointment got more attention and time with their physician than those who arrived late. The study suggests you get there 20 minutes before the scheduled start time, and avoid Monday morning appointments.

A grocery store in Sydney, Australia, makes shoppers pay only what they can afford. The OzHarvest Market, which is run by volunteers, wants to feed anyone regardless of what they have in the bank. The store works on a “take what you need, give if you can” system. Sounds like a wonderful idea if everyone is honest – but we know that’s not the case. It’ll be interesting to see what happens with this.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” makes a pretty good philosophy of justice, but take my word for it — it stinks royally as a theme for the senior prom. –Brad Hamer

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

APRIL 28, 2017…

Grey Lady—Eric Dane portrays a police officer who is out to solve a case in Nantucket. The Eastern Seaboard must be the place to shoot movies these days. Also in the cast are Amy Madigan and Natalie Zea. “Grey Lady” is rated R. No rating.

Sleight—In this movie, a young street magician (Jacob Latimer) likes the thrill the crowds with what he can do, but is he really something special? Others take notice and things begin to change in his life and not necessarily for the better when his family is threatened. The cast includes Seychelle Gabriel and Dule Hill. “Sleight” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Circle—Emma Watson (“Beauty and the Beast”) applies for work at a high tech firm run by power person Tom Hanks. She gets the job and things look good, but what exactly does this firm do, anyway? Spy work? Personnel snooping? Also in the cast is the late Bill Paxton and this was the last film he make.”The Circle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Voice From The Stone—A young boy is traumatized by the death of his mother and suddenly can’t speak. What to do? Enter a friendly nurse. The cast includes Emilia Clarke, Lisa Gastoni and Morton Csakas. “Voice From The Stone” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Rupture—Noomi Repace is taken to a special laboratory where studies are being made on people’s fears. Her’s happens to be spiders. What exactly is happening in this lab? Do you face your fear…or something else? The cast includes Peter Stormare and Kerry Bishe. “Rupture” is rated R. No rating.

How To Be A Latin Lover—This comedy stars Selma Hayek and it is the story of a guy who has romanced older women for years. Suddenly, he is out of the game and goes to stay with his sister, where he begins to see what the word “family” really means. The cast includes Eugenio, Kristen Bell and Rob Lowe. “How To Be A Latin Lover” is rated PG 13. No rating

MAY 05, 2017…

Guardian’s Of The Galaxy, Volume II continues the adventures of Star Lord (Chris Pratt) and his friends that includes Bradley Cooper’s voiced Raccoon.

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The Lovers is a comedy about a couple in the middle of a divorce who suddenly love each other again. Stars Debra Winger.

The Dinner has Richard Gere as a father who would do anything to protect his children. It is a drama.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.