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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I got off to a bad start this morning. I woke up right on time and messed up my usual schedule.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“He serves his party best who serves the country best.” – Rutherford B. Hayes
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:6-8
Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. — Hebrews 11:6
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. — Psalm 10:14
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. — 1 Timothy 4:15-16
Thought: “Be diligent!” That’s not a phrase you hear much about these days. We want things to come easily. Sweat in the world of pseudo-faith is frowned upon. But, Paul wanted Timothy (and us) to know that maturity in Christ requires genuine effort. Having a redemptive influence on others is hard work. While it is God’s power that transforms, our effort is also required. God gives us the assurance that this effort will not only bear fruit in our own lives, but it will also lead others to salvation as well.
Prayer: Abba Father, please stir my confidence, courage, diligence, and determination so that the salvation you have blessed me with can be shared with others because of my life, my teaching, and my example. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Ephesians 5:2 NIV = and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 02, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 236 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL ROWDY FRIENDS DAY, a time to check up on your old rowdy friends to see if they’re okay. ***Unless you’re like me and you ARE one of your rowdy friends – at which point you might be in need of some psychiatric counseling.
Today is NATIONAL TRUFFLES DAY. ***Like a bridge, over truffled water…”
Today is NATIONAL BABY’S DAY, a day to celebrate babies as a blessing from God. Babies Day is observed on the birth date of Dr. Benjamin Spock. ***Not to be confused with Mr. Spock who has pointed ears and no sense of humor or parenting skills.
Today is TAKE A BABY TO LUNCH DAY. ***Now, for all of you would-be Cassanovas out there, this does not mean taking a really attractive lady out for lunch. We’re talking real babies… as in young, tiny, humans that require a bib and a diaper. The Mrs. and I will be borrowing the neighbors’ baby today… if for no other reason than to just reconfirm why we don’t have children.
And finally, today is SIBLING APPRECIATION DAY. It’s a day to be especially nice to your siblings… that’d be your brothers and/or sisters. ***Maybe you can buy them lunch. Better yet, hand them the money for lunch, and then hand them the baby too, problem solved!
TODAY IS ALSO…
Great American Grump Out
Life Insurance Day
National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy
National (Deaf) Interpreter Day
Roberts Rule of Order Day
World Tuna Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
THURSDAY, MAY 03
Garden Meditation Day
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day
FRIDAY, MAY 04
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
World Give Day
SATURDAY, MAY 05
Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day
SUNDAY, MAY 06
International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day
MONDAY, MAY 07
Design Packaging Day
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy
TUESDAY, MAY 08
Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 09
Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
School Nurse Day
ON THIS DAY
1519: One of history’s superstars died. His name was Leonardo; he was born in Vinci, Italy; so they called him Leonardo da Vinci. ***Imagine what life would be like if they still named people like that! Just try looking up the phone number for John of New York.
1939: Not hitting well and feeling bad, Ironman Lou Gehrig took himself out of the Yankee line-up after playing 2,130 consecutive games. The Yankees destroyed Detroit 22-2, and Gehrig never played baseball again.
1954: Stan “The Man” Musial of the St. Louis Cardinals set a major league record when he hit five home runs in a doubleheader against the New York Giants. Though he went 6-8 with five home runs for the day, he only drove in 8 runs. In 1972 San Diego Padre Nate Colbert equaled the feat, hitting five home runs in a double header against the Atlanta Braves.
1956: For the first time in “Billboard” chart history, five singles were in both the pop and the R&B top 10: Elvis Presley’s “Heartbreak Hotel,” Carl Perkins’ “Blue Suede Shoes,” Little Richard’s “Long Tall Sally,” the Platters’ “Magic Touch,” and Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers’ “Why Do Fools Fall in Love.”
1960: Billboard magazine reported that, in the wake of the payola scandal, many radio stations were switching to a “better music” format and banning rock & roll.
1964: The Rolling Stones appeared on U.S. charts for the first time with “Not Fade Away.”
1988: A sinkhole in Sebring, Florida, opened to 200 feet wide and swallowed a house.
1989: A mall security guard in Simi Valley, California, followed a mysterious window shopper who obviously was wearing false hair and a moustache and ratty-looking clothes. Turned out to be singer Michael Jackson.
1990: A mugger in London’s financial district attacked a money-brokers messenger and escaped with $484.7-million worth of treasury notes. The worldwide financial network, however, prevented the thief from cashing in any of the loot.
1991: Mike Lehtonen and Juhani Saramies left Nokia, Finland, in history’s longest taxicab ride. They took a 15-day, 14,414-mile trip to Spain and back with the meter running. It cost $16,000. No word on the tip. ***The trip would’ve been shorter, but the cabbie didn’t speak English.
1997: 44-year-old Tony Blair became Britain’s youngest prime minister in 185 years.
1999: In Hudson, Ontario, police reported an attempted burglary where a parrot apparently ran off the intruder. Police surmise that the suspect knocked over the cage and freed the bird. They found the parrot loose and blood drops on the furniture and carpet around the house. Nothing was missing.
2000: Jockey Julie Krone became the first female elected to thoroughbred racing’s hall of fame.
2001: A 77-year-old man who admitted holding up three banks to pay for dates with his 79-year-old girlfriend was sentenced to three years in federal prison. The defendant said he couldn’t believe he did it.
2007: Iowa spent $6,000 to change the locks at one of its state prisons after someone paid $12 on e-Bay for a set of keys belonging to a guard who retired in the 1970s. The warden said he did not know if any of the old keys actually opened any of the locks in the 135-year-old prison — but he was not sure they didn’t. The prison housed a number of violent criminals.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
373: Church father Athanasius, “the father of Orthodoxy,” dies. He attended the Council of Nicea, and after becoming bishop of Alexandria, he fought Arianism and won. He was also the first to list the New Testament canonical books as we know them today.
1507: Two years after entering the Augustinian monastery at Erfurt, future German reformer Martin Luther, 23, was consecrated a priest. (Luther remained in the order until 1521, when he was excommunicated from the Catholic Church.)
1559: John Knox, having spent several years on the Continent studying and writing, returns to Scotland to help lead the Reformation there.
1821: Methodist missionary William Taylor is born in Virginia. He ministered to miners during the California gold rush and later became missionary Bishop of Africa (1884-1896). Taylor University in Upland, Indiana, named itself after him.
1872: A lectureship was established at Yale Divinity School in memory of American clergyman Lyman Beecher (1775-1863). The lectures were to cover topics on preaching and the work of the Christian ministry.
1922: Birth of missions pioneer Bob Finley. In 1953 he chartered the Christian Aid Mission in Washington, D.C. Today, this evangelical group works in over 40 countries, and is headquartered in Charlottesville, Virginia.
1913: The love letters of the Christian poet and Englishman Robert Browning to Elizabeth Barrett are sold. Browning inspired Elizabeth to rise from her sick bed through a faith expressed somewhat in terms of positive thinking.
1949: American missionary and martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘The man who will not act until he knows all will never act at all.’
1956: The General Conference of the Methodist Church, held in Minneapolis, demanded abolishment of racial segregation in all Methodist churches.
1982: The ailing pastor Lin Xiangao is arrested in Guangzhou, China, for holding house church services despite a government ban.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (Born on the Fourth of July, Six LeMeure on “Blossom,” Stevie Van Lowe on “The Parkers”) Jenna Von Oy 41 (audio clip)
wrestler-actor (The Scorpion King, Walking Tall, Doom) Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 46
actress (Constanze Mozart in Amadeus, Annie Oakley in Hidalgo) Elizabeth Berridge 56
actress (Welcome to Mooseport, How the Grinch Stole Christmas) Christine Baranski 66
The King James Bible is 407 (***And sounds that old if you read the KJV version out loud.)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1933 : Bunk Gardner (Mothers of Invention)
1936 : Link Wray
1936 : Engelbert Humperdinck
1944 : Bob Henrit (The Kinks, Argent)
1945 : Goldy McJohn (Steppenwolf)
1946 : Lesley Gore
1948 : Larry Gatlin
1950 : Lou Gramm (Foreigner)
1951 : John Glascock (Jethro Tull)
1954 : Prescott Niles (The Knack)
1955 : Jo Callis (The Human League)
1984 : Rose Falcon
1985 : Lily Allen
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Where in the world does it rain the most?
Anywhere I plan to have a picnic. Actually, it’s on the island of Kauai in so-called “sunny” Hawaii. There, on the slippery slopes of Mt. Waialeale, you never have to get a forecast to know if you should take an umbrella. You should wear one all the time on your head because Waialeale gets an average 472 inches of rain a year. While we’re into liquid data, note that the most rainfall in a 24-hour period anywhere was the 46 inches that fell on Bauio in the Philippines in 1911. The most in any place in a given year was the 905 inches that went drippy-poo on Cherrapunki, India in 1861. In other words, if the place you’re planning on vacationing is hard to spell or pronounce, plan to stay indoors.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A truck carrying Starbucks products to Washington state recently was also found to be hauling 126 pounds of meth. ***And you thought it was the caffeine you were addicted to, didn’t ya?
A man was killed in Philadelphia when the SUV in which he was traveling was hit by watermelons, which were spilled by a truck when it crashed on a nearby off-ramp. ***So watermelons are murderous fruits – what do you have to say about that, vegans?
A Staten Island, New York woman got upset and smashed a window of a Popeye’s restaurant with a chair because they wouldn’t let her order an item from the menu at Wendy’s. The woman reportedly wanted something from the “4 for $4” menu, but she was told that it was Wendy’s, not Popeyes, that offers a “4 for $4” deal. ***Wendy’s… Popeye’s… sounds like this woman has had enough cholesterol to clog her brain.
That tree that President Trump and French President Macron planted in the White House lawn last week is gone this week. Apparently, all plants from out of the country have to go into quarantine for a while. ***Even baby trees are being deported now!
A California man who was halfway through serving his sentence escaped from jail. He was captured less than an hour later. Police say Marc Schwartz scaled a tall fence capped with coils of razor wire at the detention center. What makes this story so strange is he escaped with only two days left of his sentence – because he was only sentenced to four days in jail.
The Avengers: Infiniti War smashed the all-time movie opening record, pulling in $250-million its opening weekend. ***Which should just about cover Tony Stark’s monthly entertainment expenses.
The University of Utah is doing a $740,000 study on how pot affects the brain. ***Well, actually only half of it is going to the study – the other half is for buying Cheetos and Funions.
T-Mobile and Sprint are going through with their $26-billion merger. ***So my moving to T-Mobile because I was ticked off at Sprint has now been made a wasted effort. Yay me.
In West Bend, Wisconsin, Marcus and Stacey Skildum got tired of the rat race, the stress, and their insane lifestyle. Marcus an industrial electrician and Stacey a registered nurse were both on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week, putting in 10 to 12 hours a day. So they finally said, “enough” and left it all behind to become alpaca farmers. Stacey says, “It’s more of a going back to a simpler way, a simpler way of living.” That was three years ago – and today, life is slower and that’s great. At the Wisconsin Alpaca and Fiber Fest in West Bend on April 28 and 29, the two sold handmade products from their farm, Mesa Trail Alpacas – spools of yarn, clothing and even pillows. And while Stacey admits they were a little better off financially with their old jobs, they traded stress for money – and that’s a good thing. ***Wait a minute… Wisconsin has a “Alpaca and Fiber Fest”? Are cheeseheads that desperate for something to do in the NFL off-season?
The Simpsons is now the longest running scripted show in TV history! ***I would go on a rant but how pathetic our society is to make this possible, but Bart told me not to have a cow.
South Korean President Moon Jae-in is suggesting that President Trump should win the Nobel Peace Prize. ***Donald Trump?!?! What about DENNIS RODMAN?!?!?!
Hey gardeners – got a slug problem? Fight ‘em off with beer! No kidding. Scientists suggest leaving out small bowls of beer in your garden as the pests love the taste, get drunk, fall in and drown. One expert said: “Home brew is the best.” Plus, this more organic method of slug control reduces the need to use environmentally harmful pesticides. ***Plus, it’s a lot of fun to hear them argue about whether it has a great taste or is less filling.
A company is making vodka using San Francisco fog. ***I hear it leaves your thinking a bit cloudy.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
According to a poll of US adults, more than a third feel that the most frightening small creature is the snake, followed by rats, spiders and cockroaches. ***And then divorce lawyers.
A new report states that by 2050 there will be more pieces of trash than fish in the world’s oceans. ***But then, Al Gore also predicated the end of the world by 2016, and that the ice caps would be melted by 2014… and we see how well those predictions turned out.
Oreos are as addictive as cocaine, at least for lab rats, and just like us, they like the creamy center best. Researchers (at Connecticut College) found eating the sugary treats activates more neurons in the brain’s “pleasure center” than drugs such as cocaine. ***And if you think this story is balderdash, that you’re not addicted to Oreos and can stop eating them whenever you want… well, that’s the first sign you have a problem.
According to a new report, legal marijuana is the fastest-growing industry in the United States and if the trend toward legalization spreads to all 50 states, marijuana could become larger than the organic food industry. ***Which will be traded-in for Dr. Pepper and late-night Taco Bell runs.
The military is developing drones with the ability to make lethal attack decisions without human input. ***If your name is Sarah or John Conner, you might want to consider a name change.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, just as Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were getting ready to play their regular game of checkers, a lost grizzly bear came knocking on the door. Gruffy Bear decided to cancel the checkers match until later that night so he could help the grizzly find his way…
CLOSE: Well that’s good, as tempting as it is, Gruffy is going to honor his promise to Sully and play checkers with him… that’s nice. Unfortunately, that means Gruffy’s new friend, Grizz, is going to have to forfeit the bowling tournament! Is there a solution to that problem? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Hey, there are free hugs on the streets of China! Who wants one? Apparently, nobody.
People in China have not warmed up to a “free hugs” campaign aimed at cheering up strangers by hugging them on the street. In fact, the tactic seems so strange that some huggers have been hauled away by police for questioning. The campaign hit the streets of a number of Chinese cities over the weekend, with participants opening their arms to embrace passers-by and brandishing cards saying “free hugs” and “care from strangers.” But in one incident, police moved in and took away four huggers briefly for questioning, seemingly baffled by their wacky, Western-style activities on a busy downtown shopping street.
TOP TEN LITTLE-KNOWN EXTREME SPORTS
10. Uphill curling.
9. Flaming hamster juggling.
8. Synchronized downhill ping pong.
7. Musical electric chairs.
6. Bungee knitting.
5. Chainsaw nail-trimming.
4. The Pitbull Iditarod
3. Sky dive kickboxing.
1. Lava surfing!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
The game of Monopoly lands a man in jail… and in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: A man in Denmark was sentenced to 25 days in jail after trying to buy a pizza with fake banknotes he said his grandchildren had made for a game of Monopoly. The 57-year-old said he had rented two color photocopiers to make extra fake money for the game. He said he had simply made a mistake when he tried to pay for pizza and ice cream with a $80 bill. But the court, hearing that he had been carrying over $9,000 worth of forged notes when he was arrested, followed one of the Monopoly game’s instructions and told him to “Go to Jail.” Go directly to jail, do not pass “Go” and do not collect $200.
FILE #2: Soon after Robert Everett Benson robbed a convenience store a call came into 911 pinning the crook for the crime. And police had no reason to doubt the caller, since it came from Robert himself. Authorities say a sobbing Benson called police to report that he had robbed the Meeting Street Express convenience store in Lancaster, South Carolina. A clerk at the store said a man came in to buy gum earlier, then reached over the counter and grabbed about $50 dollars from the register before fleeing. Two hours later, sheriff’s dispatchers received a call from Benson who “was crying and kept stating that he had just robbed a store.” He was arrested at another convenience store, where authorities say he used a pay phone to turn himself in. He sure made the whole thing easy on the police — I guess that’s why they call them “convenience stores”.
FILE #3: A juror at a trial in England was discharged after his fellow jurors complained he had fleas. The jury at Liverpool Crown Court refused to continue sitting with the man, who had a very long beard, claiming that he had fleas and that they had seen “things jumping” on him. The judge told the man he was being discharged for “personal reasons.”
STRANGE LAW: In Whitehall, Montana, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
You would think that having your house catch on fire would be about the worst thing that could happen to you in any given day.
Such was not the case for Miami’s Roy Diaz and his family. When a fire broke out in his home, Diaz called firefighters, who rushed to the scene and extinguished the blaze. However, in doing so, they discovered 53 mature marijuana plants worth about $400,000. He was arrested on charges of trafficking in marijuana, grand theft of electrical power and child endangerment.
How do you wake up in the morning? You know, do you put the alarm clock across the room so you have to get out of bed to shut it off? Do you set two alarms? What crazy things have you tried in order to make sure you get out of bed in the morning? (Or to wake yourself up once you’re out of bed.)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who in the Bible attempted to control the hereditary traits of animals?
ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 30:37)
QUESTION: What was the name of the first judge of Israel?
ANSWER: Othniel (Judges 1:13; 3:9)
QUESTION: Under whose leadership did God divide the Jordan waters for Israel to cross?
ANSWER: Joshua (Joshua 3)
QUESTION: What was the servant’s name whose ear Peter cut off?
QUESTION: Napoleon, the bad-boy emperor of France, was not so fearless after all. Turns out he had a phobia. What was he afraid of?
ANSWER: Napoleon had ailurophobia — fear of kittens.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. “Frog” is a name for one of the parts of a horse’s hoof. (True)
2. On average there are about 3000 earthquakes in the world each year. (False, it’s more like 50,000)
3. President George W. Bush once said, “Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”. (False, it was Muhammad Ali)
4. Mitch “Chopper” Jones was the only “M*A*S*H” character to go permanently AWOL. (False, Frank Burns)
5. A Scott Paper Company survey concluded that more than two-thirds of people with master’s degrees and doctorates read in the bathroom. (True)
6. The water moccasin, the most poisonous snake in North America, is also called the “Poisonmouth”. (False, it’s the “Cottonmouth”)
7. Lake Huron is the only one of the Great Lakes that is entirely in the U.S. (False, Lake Michigan is the only one.)
8. The largest state, in square footage, east of the Mississippi River is Georgia. (True)
9. The cucumber has the fewest calories of all raw vegetables. (True)
10. Pepsi owns the Minute Maid brand name. (False, it’s Coca-Cola)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
NASA FOUND AND KILLED __________ (MARTIANS)
NASA revealed last week that in 1976 that found life on Mars. They brought them home, but “accidentally” boiled them alive.
NASA found the Martians (less than an inch tall), and brought them back to Earth. But one NASA scientist mistook the Martians for sugar cubes and put them in his coffee. Thus, boiling the Martians to death.
The 36-year-old news was finally revealed by a retired NASA scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous. He said that he “couldn’t die” without revealing that life was found on Mars and that he… accidentally killed them.
“I feel terrible,” the scientist told WWN. ”It would have made my career. Instead, I’m a laughing stock of NASA.”
The Martian life was brought back to Earth via NASA’s Viking Mars robots in 1976.
Biologist Todd Markham, of the University of Southern California, told WWN: “I’m 99 per cent sure there’s life there. And this proves I’m right.”
Dr. Markham wants NASA to send a craft back to Mars to gather more Martians – and keep them away from absent-minded scientists!
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!” said her father, intending to make a point, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
The teenager replied, “It was a wrong number.”
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses’ exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: “Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for dinner!”
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.” God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn’t get that email either, eh? Bummer.
The more we know about nature, the less special human beings seem to be. The latest ego bring-down involves music. Scientists now say that certain creatures, such as the humpback whale and many birds, produce complicated music that sometimes resembles the structure of human compositions. ***I always thought disco was for the birds.
A study in the U.K. found that the average woman spends over $20,000 in her lifetime on clothes that she never wears, mostly because she buys too small a size in hopes of dieting into it, then doesn’t. ***That’s not all bad though. After all, that’s $20,000 she did not spend on cheesecake.
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?” Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
AS REAL AS A 200 DOLLAR BILL
Authorities in Danville, Kentucky say a woman drove through a Dairy Queen drive-thru ordering $2.12 worth of food. She paid with a bill clearly marked as “moral legal tender to preserve the U.S. Constitution” and in a denomination of $200. If the idea of a $200 bill wasn’t crazy enough, the fake bill was also taped together. Plus, it featured President George W. Bush smirking from the portrait section. The treasury seal is marked with “The right to bear arms.” The bill gives credit to Ronald Reagan as political mentor and Bush’s father as his campaign advisor and mentor. On the back, the traditional White House scene is there, with an oil well pumping oil on the lawn. Yard signs planted in the foreground read; “We like broccoli” and “Rooms not for rent.” But here’s the scariest part… the clerk promptly handed her over $197 in change! Authorities say whoever passed the bill won’t be charged with counterfeiting but will face other charges. ***MARLAR: I think I’m more frightened at the fact that someone actually accepted a $200 bill.
HEAVEN’S GROCERY STORE
As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.
When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said “My child shop with care.”
Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.
As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel “Now how much do I owe?”
He smiled and said “Just take them everywhere you go.”
Again I asked “Really now, How much do I owe?”
“My child” he said, “God paid your bill a long long time ago.”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)
Read: Mark 6:30-32
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. –Psalm 46:10
Silence can be a powerful tool. Before an important game, some football coaches will isolate their players in a quiet, peaceful environment to let them prepare for the game ahead.
How many times have you longed to get away from all the noise in your life–your dorm neighbors, or your kid brother’s stereo–to study, or just to enjoy a little peace and quiet? (Bet you never thought you’d like the library so much!)
Times of quiet are vital to our relationship with God too. I’m not referring to what our Christian culture calls “quiet times”; too often they turn into rushed devotionals in loud rooms. I’m talking about those quiet, isolated moments away from the rush and the noise, when it’s just you and God . . . your thoughts and His thoughts . . . when the only music is the wind blowing, a bird singing, or the waves crashing.
It takes effort, though. Chances are, you’re not going to “stumble onto” a quiet place anytime soon. You may need to plan a quiet day of your own–no racket, no rush, no friends. Go ahead, you can handle it for a few hours! Just you and God.
Take a look back at this past week. Has it been a rush of paperwork, term papers, teachers or bosses lecturing you, loud music on the car stereo, and crowded fast-food joints? Maybe it’s time for you to do what Jesus told His disciples to do: “Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31).
Take your Bible, jump in the car, and escape for some times of quiet of your own. You’ll be surprised at what you might hear when you take time to be still and listen to God speak through His Word.
EL BURRITO GRANDE!
Armed police in Clovis, New Mexico, invaded Marshall Junior High School after a call came in about a student bringing in a large bomb-shaped object. The suspicious item was eventually identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, lettuce and salsa and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt. The kid had made the giant burrito for a class project. ***MARLAR: Have you ever had one of those giant burritos at El Burrito Loco? Trust me, they can easily be seen as weapons of mass destruction!
LIFE… LIVE IT
Ladies, have you ever wondered why your guy never pays attention to you at home, but then when you want to go out he complains?
There is an answer – and the answer is that he IS paying attention to you at home… just in his own way. According to Steven Stosny, PH.D., co-author of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, “Men see relationships more as a place to relax than a dynamic interaction. So while you feel like he’s ignoring you, he’s comforted by your mere presence and feels he’s honoring your relationship by unwinding around you. But when you leave, he loses that sense of connection, making his secure base – you – suddenly seem less secure.” So what do you do? Try making more connections with your husband when you’re home – go out of your way to touch him, cuddle, give him a hug, and make that part of your everyday routine. That’ll help not just him feel more secure, but both of you – and he’ll feel more content when you’re not around too! (Redbook)
WAYS TO SAVE MONEY ON DATE NIGHT
Go out early or late. Some restaurants offer 1/2 price and discounted prices on off hours.
Utilize your memberships. If you have kids, you may have annual passes to museums, zoos, parks, and attractions. Sometimes leave the kids behind and just go by yourself.
Keep it simple (and inexpensive) – visit your neighborhood coffee shop.
Can’t get away from the house? Put the kids to bed on-time or even early. When you are able to get your kids in bed at a good time, you can have an hour or two of at-home date time.
JUST FOR FUN
It’s a fact – nearly no serious accidents occur in bumper-to-bumper traffic, so the Department of Transportation is adopting a plan to cover America with 10-lane highways that have one-lane bridges and overpasses in each direction every few miles.
According to the D.O.T., by forcing five lanes of high-speed traffic onto a one-lane bridge each way, the number of fender benders is slashed to almost nothing. Department of Transportation planner Dr. Simon Mudohead continues to explain, “And I guarantee no traffic fatalities – it’s difficult to be killed in a car traveling an average of 5mph. In some places, the back-ups will have back-ups, creating perfect 100 percent safety for American drivers. Hey, we’re saving lives here.” Of course, this is being reported by the Weekly World News – a tabloid magazine… so you can now stop being irate now, it’s likely never going to happen.
SICK OF CALLING IN SICK
What kind of excuses have you heard people give to get out of work? A survey by CCH Incorporated found that the rate of unscheduled absenteeism is at a five-year high. It also found that most employees who fail to show up for work, however, aren’t physically ill. Why we call in sick:
Personal Illness, 38%
Family Issues, 23%
Personal Needs, 18%
Entitlement Mentality, 10%
Here are what employers told CareerBuilder.com some of the most unusual excuses they have heard:
“I was sprayed by a skunk.”
“I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.”
“My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.”
“I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.”
“I couldn’t find my shoes.”
“I hurt myself bowling.”
“I was spit on by a venomous snake.”
“I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.”
“A hitman was looking for me.”
“My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.”
“My cat unplugged my alarm clock.”
“I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India.”
“I forgot to come back to work after lunch.”
“I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Do you nap in the middle of the day? Turns out you’re not alone – not by a long shot!
(National Examiner) Whether they’re taking siestas, power naps or beauty sleeps, 34% of North Americans regularly curl up for a midday snooze, says a study by the Pew Research Center. In a poll of 1,488 adults, 38% of men between 18 and 49 and 31% of women between 18 and 49 reported taking a nap within the previous 24 hours. In the over 50 crowd, 41% of men and 28% of women admitted catching daytime ZZZs. Naps were on the agenda for 33% of the people who earned more than $100,000 a year, 21% of people who earned between $75,000 and $99,000 a year, 31% of people who earned between $50,000 and $74,000, 35% of people who earned between $30,000 and $49,000 and 42% of folks who earned less than $30,000 a year. ***MARLAR: The less you make, the more you snooze. Or is it, the more you snooze, the less you make? If that’s the case – I need to find a way to stay up all night.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Attention ladies. If you’re trying to lure Mr. Right on an Internet match making site with a photo, post one where you’re looking silly instead of glamorous or sexy. That’s the suggestion of the online matching service OkCupid.com. They found that photos showing a girl doing something unusual like making a silly face or playing a violin are 40% more likely to get responses. The second best pose showed the women with a dog or bird or other pet. The next most effective type of picture was one showing her having fun with pals, like romping on the beach or playing a game, followed by one of the subject sipping a drink. Why are wacky poses better for getting responses? “Your picture is meant to show your personality,” explains OkCupid.com head Christian Rudder, “and make it easier for someone to break the ice.”
If you think a great way to cut calories, eat less and lose weight is to skip meals, think again. Skipping meals can actually cause abdominal weight gain, according to researchers from The Ohio State University in Columbus. How? When you forgo breakfast or work through lunch, it sets off a series of metabolic miscues, which can lead to insulin resistance in the liver, a telltale sign of prediabetes. When the liver doesn’t respond to insulin signals telling it to stop producing glucose, that extra sugar in the blood is stored as fat.
Why does mint gum make water seem colder? It’s a drug messing with your brain. The drug in question here is menthol, an organic compound that’s quite the mimic in your nerve cells, menthol triggers the same reaction that cold does, explains David Julius, Ph.D., a professor of physiology at UC San Francisco. Certain nerve cells detect things like temperature and pain, he says, and when specialized proteins on these cells sense a change, they transmit an electrical signal from, in this case, your mouth to a region of your brain called the somatosensory cortex. So lukewarm water might feel cool. In a similar way, the capsaicin in peppers feels hot. Nature’s tricky that way. (Men’s Health)
Here’s a throwback to a small kid in oversized glasses freaking out about receiving an NES for Christmas. Yes! It even comes with a gun. This adorable little wreck cries as he hugs and thanks his father for the gift. He then goes to his room to find money to pay his dad back. Reddit user “smulz” posted the video saying it was from Christmas 1988. A then-farsighted “smulz” waited two whole months for the gift of a lifetime, his mother says in the video. More euphoric “oohs” are squealed out as he unboxes his new system to the Ghostbusters theme playing on the tv in the background. Oh the number of elves I would sacrifice to ever experience that type of joy.
4 TRUTHS ABOUT HABITS
Truth One – Habits are Hard to Break. A bad habit never disappears miraculously. It’s an undo-it-yourself project. – Abigail Van Buren
Truth Two – Habits are hard work.
Truth Three – Habits determine your destination. Habit is a cable; we weave a thread each day, and at last we cannot break it. -Horace Mann
Truth Four – Habits help you reach your dreams. People ruin their lives with the foolish things they do, and then they blame theLord for it. – Proverbs 19:3 (ERV)
Habits are really important. So choose today to make good habits in your life. Choose to not let life just pass you by, but rather put in the effort to develop good habits today.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Corey Simmons had been taking advantage of his lengthy New York City train ride to study up on mathematics. His son, who is in the 3rd grade, was having trouble with fractions – so Simmons took it upon himself to relearn the formulas. But considering it has been almost 30 years since Simmons had to do elementary school math, he was having trouble with some of the problems. As he was studying on the subway, however, a man sat next to him and asked what he was doing. Simmons explained how he was trying to relearn fractions so he could help his son in school. The other man then said that he used to be a math teacher and he would be more than happy to help Simmons. A nearby subway passenger named Denise Wilson overheard the exchange. “[Simmons] asked the guy to quiz him and everything he got wrong or was confused about, he broke it down and corrected him,” says Wilson. “By the end of my train ride, [Simmons] had a better understanding.” Though the math teacher left before anyone could catch his name, Wilson was struck by how inspiring the interaction had been. “I started tearing up,” Wilson told CBS. “It was just one person helping another, and I thought that was beautiful.” (Good News Network)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
In South Korea, a farmer was fed up with the barking of his neighbor’s dog, a 2-year-old Welsh Corgi. The 62-year-old man has now confessed to killing and cooking the animal before inviting the owner to join him for a dog meat dinner! His invitation was kindly declined by the dog’s owner, and sometime later another neighbor realized what was happening and denounced it. Horrified, the dog’s family decided to launch an online plea calling for public support to ensure that the offender is punished sternly. 15,000 signatures have been collected to date.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” makes a good philosophy of justice, but take my word for it — it sucks as a theme for the senior prom. –Brad Hamer
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 27, 2018…
Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this comic book character-driven film. Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that. The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it. “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.
I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.
MAY 04, 2018…
Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.
The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.
Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.