May 03, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180503
PDF: 20180503

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I may sound a little weird this morning. Right in the middle of my Lucky Charms, I hiccupped and sucked a miniature marshmallow up my nose. A pink one.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Although in our country the Chief Magistrate must almost of necessity be chosen by a party and stand pledged to its principles and measures, yet in his official action he should not be the President of a party only, but of the whole people of the United States.” – James K. Polk

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” — 1 Peter 2:24

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. — 1 John 5:14-15

Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless. — Psalm 10:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. — Proverbs 10:12

Thought: Our worst tendencies want to repay evil with evil, spite for spite, pettiness with pettiness, and hatred with hatred. God has always wanted his people to be the redemptive influence in their world, society, and relationships. Paul reminded the Christians in Rome to “not repay evil with evil.” (Rom. 12:17) Here, God’s wise man teaches us a similar truth. Love removes the teeth out of difficult situations, while hatred only turns up the flames of bitterness and hate. We’re called to be a different kind of people that leave the world a different place. It isn’t always easy, but it is always powerful.

Prayer: Father, I confess that when I’m wronged it makes me angry and I’m tempted to strike back in kind. Please, remove the baser side of my character through the cleansing and redeeming influence of your Holy Spirit and the love your Spirit inspires. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 5:3 NIV = “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 03, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
235 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is LUMPY RUG DAY, a day to tease those who shove unwelcome facts under the rug. ***Also a good day for yelling at husbands that sweep dirt under the rug when asked to clean the house.

Today is HUG YOUR CAT DAY. ***Your cat will absolutely love it, trust me. Yeah, sure, they’ll act like they don’t want you around and will likely shrug you off when you put them down… but that’s a cat for you.

Today is SUN DAY. ***True, it’s Thursday – but it’s also SUN DAY, extolling the virtues of solar energy. Which should be obvious with all the hot air you get from this show.

Today is NATIONAL TWO DIFFERENT COLORED SHOES DAY. Organizers say the “simple and lighthearted act of purposely wearing two different colored shoes demonstrates the courage to take a risk and step outside of one’s daily routine.” ***Either that, or it proves you got dressed in the dark.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Garden Meditation Day
Lag B’Omer
Lumpy Rug Day
National Special-abled Pets Day
National Textiles Day
National Two Different Colored Shoes Day
Paranormal Day
Public Radio Day
SAN Architect Day
World Press Freedom Day
National Day of Prayer
National Day of Reason
World Password Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MAY 04

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
Tuba Day
World Give Day

SATURDAY, MAY 05

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 06

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

TUESDAY, MAY 08

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 09

Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day

THURSDAY, MAY 10

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

ON THIS DAY

1654: America’s first toll bridge was completed over the Newbury River at Rowley, Massachusetts. Humans crossed free but had to pay a toll for animals.

1675: Massachusetts enacted a law requiring all church doors to be lock during services to keep people from leaving during long sermons. Eventually, the law was ruled unconstitutional. ***The biggest complaints came from those with weak bladders.

1891: Eppa Rixey was born in Culpeper, Virginia. The National League lefthander won 266 games for the Phillies and Reds. He lost 251. He won 25 games in 1922. He lost 21 games in 1917. He went from college to the majors and pitched nearly 4,500 innings in 21 years. He never played in the minor leagues. He had very few strikeouts, but he almost never walked anyone. He’s in the Baseball Hall of Fame .

1921: West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax in the U.S.

1948: “The CBS Evening News with Douglas Edwards” debuted. Walter Cronkite replaced Edwards in 1962, Dan Rather got the job in 1981. Bob Shiefer in 2005, Katie Couric in 2006.

1957: The cost of first-class postage for a U.S. letter increased from three cents to four cents.

1977: Bruce Williams was shot while allegedly robbing a Cleveland motel. Paralyzed from the waist down, he later was charged with committing five other crimes, including robbery and kidnapping, from his wheelchair. ***During his trial, Mr. Williams’ lawyer said the prosecution didn’t have a leg to stand on.

1977: Speckle the goose of Goshen, Ohio, laid history’s heaviest goose egg. It weighed 24 ounces, twice as much as the average goose egg. ***She probably gave that “I gave birth to you for 16 hours – and this is the thanks I get” speech to her kids too.

1984: David Letterman held the first Rocket Chair Races.

1986: Dolly Parton’s “Dollywood” amusement park opened near Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

1991: The final episode of Dallas aired on CBS (#356). Lasting 13 seasons in prime-time, it was second in longevity only to Gunsmoke. (audio clip)

1995: Singer Doug Supernaw eloped with Debbie Lubbe. They married at Brendas Love Chapel in Elko, Nevada.

1999: When late-night customers at a Madrid, Spain, gas station realized the attendant was sleeping, they filled up without paying and told their friends. The party ended $1,000 later when police noticed the commotion and woke up the attendant.

2003: President Bush told a news conference in Crawford, Texas, it was a matter of when, not if, weapons of mass destruction would be found in Iraq.

2003: A lovesick man in Jesi, Italy, stole an ambulance so he could serenade his girlfriend with the siren. The girlfriend’s neighbors complained to police while the 38-year-old man sang, accompanying himself with the siren. He told police he couldn’t play an instrument, but he wanted to impress his girlfriend.

2006: A study by Salary.com reported a full-time stay-at-home mother would earn $134,121 a year if paid for all her work. A mom who worked outside the home would earn an extra $85,876 annually on top of her actual wages for the work she did at home. Moms can figure their own potential earnings at the Web site’s calculation wizard.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1512: The Fifth Lateran Council opened under Pope Julius II. Its twelve sessions lasting through 1517, the council continued under Leo X, following Julius’ death in 1513.

1675: A Massachusetts law was enacted requiring church doors to be locked during the worship service. (Too many people were leaving before the long sermons were completed.)

1738: English revivalist George Whitefield, 23, first arrived in America. In all, Whitefield crossed the Atlantic thirteen times, and died in Massachusetts in 1770, during his seventh visit.

1850: Sixteen year old Charles H. Spurgeon made his public profession of faith in Jesus Christ in a Primitive Methodist Chapel, in Colchester, England. Spurgeon began a preaching career the following year which did not end until his death in 1892.

1878: Death of William Whiting, 53, Anglican poet and music instructor. He is known to have written only one hymn during his life, but its popularity has endured: “Eternal Father, Strong to Save.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actor (“The West Wing”, “Psych”) Dule Hill 43 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Bing Crosby, born Harry Lillis Crosby

1919 : Pete Seeger (The Weavers)

1921 : Joe Ames (The Ames Brothers)

1926 : Jimmy Cleveland

1928 : Dave Dudley

1933 : James Brown
1936 : Engelbert Humperdinck

1937 : Frankie Valli (The Four Seasons)

1944 : Pete Staples (The Troggs)

1948 : John Richardson (The Rubettes)

1950 : Mary Hopkin

1951 : Christopher Cross

1953 : Bruce Hall (REO Speedwagon)

1959 : David Ball (Soft Cell)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call a violent robbery a “mugging?”

The slang generated by the real world of cops and robbers is often colorful, but sometimes misleading. A cat burglar, for example, deftly and daringly climbs great heights to get his booty. He’s not a felon who filches felines. But a mugger is not only linguistically related to mug, the slang word for one’s face, he’s also very much physically in your face. A mugging is a street crime in which the perpetrator forcefully removes your valuables. He often grabs his victim from behind, putting his hand over the mouth to prevent an outcry, which is how the act got to be a “mugging.” Mug as a slang word for face originated with old drinking mugs, which were often decorated with distorted caricatures of faces. You might even end up looking that way if you drank too much of what was in the mug.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Up in Vancouver, BC, the price of gas is approaching $8 a gallon.  ***Yikes!  If that price makes it to the states I may have to retire early because I couldn’t afford the daily commute to work.

The Gibson Guitar company has filed for bankruptcy.  ***Wow.  Gibson guitars is broke, Mel Gibson’s personality problems, Charles Gibson shocks the world by retiring without explanation… Debbie Gibson better watch out before her career fails too!  Oops… too late.

Whether you’re a celebrity who spends a lot of time giving autographs, or just a busy businessperson who doesn’t have time to sign mountains of documents, you can now own your very own state-of-the-art Signing Machine, and it’ll do it for you. Swiss watchmaker Jaquet Droz unveiled its impressive Signing Machine last month at the Baselworld Watch Show after reportedly working on it for the last four years. It showcases the company’s mechanical clockwork technology, only instead of doing it by accurately telling time, it replicates your signature to perfection. It is a wee bit expensive at $365,000. ***Or you could spend ten bucks and get your signature on a rubber stamp with an ink pad.

Ashley Judd is suing disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, alleging defamation, sexual harassment and an effort to damage her career.  ***Although I’m more inclined to think after seeing her tampon rant at the Women’s March, her overreaction to an airport worker calling her “sweetheart”, and saying Trump’s presidency is worse than the rape she experienced as a child, that she doesn’t need any help in damaging her career.  She does that well enough all on her own.

Bonnie Raitt has canceled her upcoming concert tour with James Taylor due to health issues. ***Apparently she’s sick… of James Taylor.

A nationwide survey by the health insurer Cigna found that Americans are a lonely bunch of people, with nearly 50 percent of respondents reporting that they feel alone or left out always or sometimes. Even more surprising, the young, not the elderly, were the most lonely.  ***Honestly, I’ve met quite a few of today’s young people – and I really can’t blame anyone for not wanting to spend time with them.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Russia’s anti-corruption czar says the cost of the average bribe there has jumped 75%. ***How would he know – unless someone bribed him? At which point, you probably shouldn’t be the anti-corruption czar.

Don’t overcook your french fries or toast. A study (by UK’s Food Standards Agency) measured the amount of acrylamide — a cancer-causing toxin — in roasted potatoes, fries and toast prepared in the home. The FSA’s chief scientific adviser said the new research showed the need for roast potatoes and fries to be cooked to only “a light golden color” and that bread should be toasted to “the lightest color acceptable”. ***In fact, rather than use a toaster for your bread, you might suggest boiling it.

It’s no secret Americans are drinking less soda. Now that trend is starting to take its toll on the restaurant industry. A recent report by the NPD Group found that over the past five years, Americans ordered 4% fewer beverages at restaurants — a whopping 2 billion fewer servings. *** Well, if Pepsi wants to start sending me free cans on a daily basis I’ll be happy to try and pick up the slack.

According to a recent study, men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. It’s not the pitch of the woman’s voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem. ***At least I think that’s what my wife told me… I wasn’t really listening.

New research shows young people who become sleep deprived by using the internet into the small hours are much more likely to become mentally ill in later life. Lack of sleep may help explain the puzzling increase in mental illness among young people in recent decades. And regularly staying up late to surf the internet and chat on social networking sites could be one reason young people are sleeping less, according to the research. The study of about 20,000 young people found that those who slept fewer than five hours a night were three times more likely to become psychologically distressed. ***Which explains the content of 86% of all late-night Twitter posts.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear had to cancel the checkers game with Sully the Aardvark to help a grizzly bear named Grizz find his way to a bowling alley. Apparently, Grizz was heading there to forfeit the bowling tournament that was supposed to take place that night because they didn’t have enough bowlers.

CLOSE: Will Gruffy do the right thing and play checkers with Sully as he promised? But then, he also promised Grizz that he’d help the bowling team! What will Gruffy do… what will Sully do… what will the bowling team do? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A newborn baby boy was welcomed to this world at gunpoint by police.  It was a crazy case of miscommunication by Kettering, Ohio, police and a woman who gave birth while in her car.  It started when Debbie Coleman was driving and began to give birth.  She pulled over at a gas station and delivered the baby herself and then took off towards the hospital.  A gas station attendant alerted police, who got the woman confused with another report of a stolen van.  Police pulled Coleman over, ordered her out of the car with guns pointed at her.  Once they realized their mistake, they helped her to the hospital.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT DOING HOME RENOVATIONS JUST ISN’T YOUR THING

10. The local Home Depot has opened a First Aid wing in your name.

9. Bob Vila mentions you specifically in a disclaimer before each show.

8. The only power tool you own has settings of “whip,” “chop,” and “puree.”

7. You’ve yet to find a jammed door that can’t be opened by the careful application of half a stick of dynamite.

6. You have to check the listings to tell if your watching “This Old House” or “The Frugal Gormet.”

5. Basement rec room and swimming pool: now the same thing

4. The hospital staff calls you “Mr. Allen.”

3. High school shop class grade was an “F” Asked not to return!

2. Since it was so hot in the attic, you decided to install fiberglass insulation in your bathing suit.

1. You fixed the furnace by moving to Arizona.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you’re going to lie to the police about something, be sure there isn’t any evidence out in plain sight showing that you’re a liar.

FILE #1: In Clay, New York cops were looking for the boyfriend of Roxanne Lawrence. So the cops paid a little visit to Roxanne’s apartment. When asked about her boyfriend, Willard Franks, Roxanne said, “Nope, never heard of him,” and got up to show the cops to the door. As she walked in front of them, one of the officers noticed a tattoo on her back that read, “Willard”. So either she was a huge fan of TV weatherman Willard Scott, or she was lying about knowing Willard Franks. Turns out the latter was true and Willy was arrested soon after.

FILE #2: Don’t have any other way of stopping a robber? Pin him to the ground with a wrestling move.  A former high school wrestling champion pinned a young robber to the ground and told the robber that he would dislocate his shoulder if he tried to escape. The robber, a teenager, snatched a cash bag from a Toronto woman when he bumped into our wrestling hero, Reg Toews. Reg pinned the robber and waited for police to arrive to arrest the 19-year-old.

FILE #3: New Orleans prosecutors were too busy to see a bank vault manager who wanted to confess he’d stolen $900,000. Ricardo Antonio Pacheco had to wait a week to get an appointment with the US attorney’s office after resigning. Police say no-one suspected a thing until he gave himself up. He apparently wanted to get the secret off his chest. His lawyer Vinny Mosca said: “He really wanted to get this behind him. He wasn’t able to get an appointment with the Government because of some scheduling problem.” According to embezzlement charges, Pachecho had been stealing money since 1991. The US attorney’s office and Bank One did not want to comment on the case. ***MARLAR: I wouldn’t comment either.  How embarrassed would YOU be if it was your job to count money and for ten years never realized that you were short almost a million dollars!

STRANGE LAW: Oklahoma law declares that dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Beware of falling St. Bernards!

In the Polish town of Sosnowiec, a man walking down the street was injured but is alive after being hit by a falling Saint Bernard that apparently had been thrown out a two-story window above him. Police believe the 110-pound dog was pushed out of the window by its drunken owner. Actually the dog escaped with just a few scratches because he had a relatively soft landing after falling on the guy. A police spokesman said, “The man was more in a psychological state of shock than physically hurt.” The one-year-old dog, named Oskar, was placed in an animal shelter while police investigate its owner for animal abuse. (Yahoo News)

PHONER PHUN

Hey, Mother’s Day is on the way – so we’re giving you 30 seconds on the air to tell us how much your mom means to you! But as your mother used to say – you have to obey the rules. So at 30-seconds we’re cutting you off!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In what book of the Bible do we find a record of Paul’s trip to Rome?

ANSWER: Acts

QUESTION: Who was the Macedonian that accompanied Paul and some other prisoners to Italy on an Adramyttian ship?
ANSWER: Aristerchus (Acts 27:2; Col 4:10)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: (Tough one today!) What was the first casualty of the Allies’ World War II bombing of Berlin?

ANSWER: It was the elephant in the city zoo.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Former U.S. President Grover Cleveland, when he was a sheriff, twice served as a hangman. (True)

2. Mr. Squeezie was the pesky supermarket manager who kept asking customers not to “squeeze the Charmin.” (False, it was Mr. Whipple)

3. Marconi was 16 when he invented the radio. (False, he was 21.)

4. Every calendar year has at least one Friday the 13th. (True)

5. Cindy Crawford was valedictorian in high school and won a full college scholarship to study chemical engineering at Northwestern University. (True. But she dropped out after one semester to model.)

6. On April 8, 1983, before a national TV audience, David Copperfield made the Empire State Building disappear. (False, The Statue of Liberty)

7. Charo’s real name is Carlita Bonez. (False, Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Baeza)

8. Cassanova, you know, supposedly the greatest lover of all time, was a librarian. (True)

9. Schroeder is the Peanuts gang member who is the catcher for the kids’ baseball team, (True)

10. The American state nicknamed the “Gem State” is Washington. (False, it’s Idaho)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

KILLER RACCOONS IN ________ (FLORIDA)

Wild, vicious raccoons are attacking citizens in Kiwanis Island Park.

Brevard County Parks and Recreation closed Kiwanis Island Park on Merritt Island, Florida after hundreds of raccoon attack were reported over the last few weeks.

Governor Rick Scott is sending in the National Guard.  ”The raccoons are out of control.  We’re hoping the Guard can control them… but we’re not taking any chances.  We may have to ask the government for help from the NAVY Seals,” said a Florida government insider.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

JOKE #2

“The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. “What are you working on?” he asked.

“A universal solvent,” explained the son, “a solvent that’ll dissolve anything.”

The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What’ll you keep it in?”

JOKE #3

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

USELESS FACTS

Australian medical researchers say that a popular insomnia drug has been shown to make people gain weight by sleepwalking to the kitchen and eating in their sleep.  ***Ironically, the only diet pill on the market that can counteract the weight-gain causes insomnia.

An Australian biotech company has invented an implant that gives you a perfect tan in just two days. The tiny high-tech device is put under the skin to stimulate melanin production which results in a suntan that lasts two months.  ***And in just four days you can have skin that looks and feels just like leather.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HURT EARS
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt and when the phone rang I accidentally answered the iron thinking it to be the phone.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, see, I had to call the doctor!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DO YOU, JOE, TAKE CHRISTINA’S NAME AS YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED NAME…?

When Christina Ellison married Joseph Harkless, you’d expect her name to become Christina Harkless, right? Wrong! In an extremely rare occurrence (many think it may be the first of its kind), Joseph took his wife’s last name! Christina Ellison said the couple made the name change to preserve her family’s name. Her father was the last boy in the family and there are no other Ellisons to carry on the family name. Joseph said he did it because he loves her.  The biggest problem was with the license and Social Security bureaus that were confused and not prepared to handle anything like this. The couple said a criminal investigation was even conducted to make sure Joseph was not changing his name to hide from the law.  ***MARLAR: He’ll want to hide from his buddies though – cause they’re going to beat the tar out of him after they find out he now has a maiden name.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

REACHING OUT

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something; and what I should do and can do, by the grace of God, I will do.”-Anonymous
It is said one person CAN make a difference. A single vote can overturn an election and a sole person can save the life of one in need. So too, have we heard stories in the media of individuals who sat idly by as they watched a crime in progress, relying on someone else to place a call to the police. Think of what type of world this would be if NO ONE reached out, cared, or tried to make a positive difference. Our world would be Hell on earth where each man selfishly looks out only for himself, stepping on the backs even of children, so he can progress. Love and the ability to reach out and make a difference, is man’s greatest asset, for, if we do not utilize this God-given ability, then we are no better than those of the animal kingdom. Today, make a concerted effort to do something positive for another human being, whether it be calling a long lost friend, visiting someone in a nursing home, or saying a kind and uplifting word to a complete stranger. It is in giving, that we receive, just as our heavenly Father gave us His Son so that we might receive eternal life and salvation! Make a difference in someone’s life and let God make a difference in yours!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

FEARLESS!

(From Campus Journal)

Paul was caught between an angry Jerusalem mob and a garrison of Roman soldiers. (Has anything in Israel changed?) Not a comfortable position! The crowd was out of control, so the Roman guards escorted Paul to “the barracks” (Acts 21:37) in the Tower of Antonia. Just before Paul was dragged inside, he asked permission to speak to the hostile mob. In speaking with that hostile mob, Paul gave them a powerful account of his background, conversion, and call to proclaim Christ.

His speech so agitated the crowd that they were beating their cloaks on the ground and throwing dirt in the air. Quite a man, Paul. Fearless! Gave his testimony to a frenzied mob. Told it like it was. Showed us that the God who called us to be witnesses will fill us with grace, courage, and the right words to say.

Trouble is, when we are with unbelievers and are presented with a great opportunity to speak out for the Lord, we don’t. We generalize. We change the subject. We look for a way to escape. We clam up.

Scary as it may be to witness to our volleyball team or madrigal group, we need to do it. Even if we’re “scared to death.”

In the movie First Knight, a local sword fighter was easily defeated by the skilled Lancelot. The man asked Lancelot to teach him to sword-fight. Lancelot told him that he must be fast and that he must anticipate the moves of his opponent. Then Arthur’s future hero gave the churl this final word: “To be a great swordsman, you cannot care whether you live or die.” The man slinked away.

Speaking out for the Lord Jesus requires a similar courage. When the opportunity presents itself, we must be brave of heart and speak out boldly as Paul did in Jerusalem. Growing men and women of faith who love the gospel and are concerned for the unsaved can witness even to the enemies of Christ–fearless! –DE

LEFTOVERS

A FEW THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT

Here is a new list of phobias that you may not have heard about:

  • Nomophobia: We’ve had this. Nomophobia is the fear of being out of mobile phone contact.

  • Vidigameaphobia: Hey “World of Warcraft” fans, this is the fear of video games.

  • Interphobia: Oh yes, fear of the Internet or World Wide Web.

  • Dextrophobia: How fun would it be to have a fear ofeverything to the right of your body?

  • Coulrophobia: Scary clowns! Though it sounds strange, the fear of clowns is one of the top 10 most common phobias.

  • Alektorophobia: While it’s generally known to be anextreme fear of live chickens.

  • Pupaphobia: The cruel half-cousin to coulrophobia is pupaphobia: the fear of puppets.

  • Sesquipedalophobia: This very long word describes one who has a fear of very long words.

  • Cathisophobia: Cathisophobia is the fear of sitting.

  • Genuphobia: Imagine having a fear of knees. Think of panicking every time you saw someone’s knees!

LIFE… LIVE IT

FLUSHING YOUR CAREER

Would you ever consider cleaning bathrooms and toilets for a living? Don’t respond too quickly – it could be the best thing you could do for your health!

Most people have jobs that require them to go into work and sit behind a desk and do paperwork all day. Fun, fun, fun. But most of us would never consider cleaning bathrooms for a living unless it was a last option. No offense to those that do, we really appreciate the work you do – trust me. But most just don’t like that idea. Well, maybe you should reconsider. It turns out that working over a commode in the restroom would be healthier than working at your desk! It’s true! In fact, according to a study by a microbiologist from the University of Arizona the average desk is covered with 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet bowl! The study shows office toilets actually have the lowest levels of germs out of all of the surfaces tested. And don’t think you’ll be able to get away from those germs just by stepping away from your desk – because you’re going to have to answer the phone or make a call sometime… and that is the most disgusting part of your workspace when it comes to bacteria and germs. Then comes your desk top, water fountain handles, microwave door handles, and your computer keyboard. ***MARLAR: No wonder you’re sick of work… you’re sick at work!

JUST FOR FUN

ULTIMATE SUNBURN

Is the sun really burning itself out? Yep.

Eventually the sun will burn itself out and Earth will freeze over. When that happens, given the 94 million miles from the Earth to the sun and the speed of light, we will have a little over eight minutes before the daylight goes dark and the temperature plunges precipitously. ***MARLAR: Maybe not enough time to take out the garbage and put your personal papers in order, but surely enough to wolf down one last bowl of nachos and salsa.

FUN LIST

SEPARATE, EQUAL, BUT NOT THE SAME!

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. Here are a few examples to prove my point…

  • You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
  • Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
  • A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
  • When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
  • Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. But, if their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
  • Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
  • If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
  • Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
  • By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
  • Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
  • Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
  • Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TOTAL RECALL

(Men’s Health) Even brainiacs lose their keys. They just know how to jump start their memories, says Scott Hagwood, who memorized the order of nine decks of cards in an hour to become the first American Grandmaster of Memory. Here are his tips on recalling:

  • Long List — Walk into a grocery or music store without a list and chances are, you’ll forget something you came for. Mental lists can dissolve when you’re faced with an abundance of similar choices. The brain booster – visualize each choice. “The more unusual, the more easily it can be recalled,” says Shane Bush, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist on Long Island, NY. Imagine Keira Knightley holding the milk in one hand and a loaf of bread in the other, wearing nothing but a miniskirt make out of your favorite cereal. Bizarre? Sure. Effective? Definitely.

  • A Date’s Details — Remember little things: her dog’s name, her favorite color – and she’ll be eating out of your hand. But that laundry list of information is difficult to sort out, particularly when you’re paying more attention to her lips. The brain booster – use the room technique. “You’ll be able to recall a tremendous amount of information quite quickly,” says Hagwood. Pick a room that’s familiar to you. As she’s telling you things about her life, imagine her doing them in different parts of that room. If she likes running, picture her jogging in the corner. If she watches “Gilmore Girls,” imagine her watching it on your TV. And so on.

  • Phone Numbers — The brain’s buffer can handle only so many numbers. So, “combine them into bigger units,” says George W. Rebok, Ph.D., professor in the department of mental health at Johns Hopkins University. The brain booster – find meaning in sections of the number. Phone numbers are already broken up, but rechunk them to simplify. Look for three and four digit patterns and link them to years, area codes, whatever.

  • Introductions — “It doesn’t matter how good you are at remembering things,” says Hagwood. “Even the best experts can forget information if it’s delivered too quickly.” The brain booster – the key here, says Hagwood, is to control the flow of information. As you’re being introduced, pause at the third person. Make a comment on his or her name, outfit, or resemblance to some celebrity. As others are responding, mentally review the names of the first two people you just met. Repeat with every third person you meet.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Here’s some incentive to cover your mouth the next time you sneeze. A little “achoo” launches a sheet of fluid that balloons, then breaks apart in long filaments that destabilize and finally disperses as a spray of droplets, similar to paint that is flung through the air. That’s the word from MIT researchers who used high-speed videos to show that a little sneeze results in more than a simple spray into the air. Instead it produces a complex fluid cascade that can easily spread cold germs. Using two high-speed cameras, the researchers recorded more than 100 sneezes from healthy human subjects and captured the fraction of a second during which fluid is expelled from the mouth and flung through the air. Almost every sneeze produced the same paint-like pattern of fluid fragmentation with slight variations: The more elastic the fluid, or saliva, the longer the fluid traveled before breaking into droplets. This complex pattern of fluid breakup runs counter to what most people expect, which is that a sneeze produces a simple and uniform spray of droplets. The takeaway: Use a tissue.

You know those big rawhide bones your dog loves so much? Yeah, you might want to check the Food and Drug Administration’s latest announcement. They could be a health hazard for our four-legged friends. This is based on reports submitted to the FDA that indicate about 90 dogs have been sickened, with at least 15 deaths, after gnawing on these commercially prepared items, which the agency didn’t ID by brand. The reports, sent in by both pet owners and veterinarians, said some of the medical issues have included digestive blockages, choking, diarrhea, vomiting, and cuts and other injuries in the mouth. Seven reports focused on product issues: treats that splintered upon being chewed as well as “moldy-appearing bones.” The FDA warning says it’s also important to keep pups away from chicken bones and other bones you may have cooked with, as they can cause injury as well. (FDA)

Here’s something else for pessimists to grumble about:  optimists live longer, healthier lives, says University of Pittsburgh researchers. They found that women with a negative attitude had more health problems and were more likely to have high blood pressure, diabetes or smoke cigarettes. Cynically hostile gals were 23% more likely to die from cancer, while women with a positive attitude were 30% less likely to die from heart disease.

A job promotion may pad your checking account, but it also could be bad for your mental health, leading to more stress, anxiety and depression that you’re too busy to properly treat. That’s the word from a British study by researchers at Warwick University, who surveyed 1000 workers who had been promoted into supervisory or management positions over the previous five years. On average, the quality of an individual’s mental health deteriorated by 10% after a promotion. That additional responsibility also leads to additional stress, anxiety and possibly even depression.  So if you’re happy in your current position, you might want to keep it that way!

You may come in early, leave late and never miss a deadline, so why aren’t you getting that promotion for which you have worked so hard? Blame it on the tattoo. Physical appearance can actually hurt your career advancement prospects, according to a CareerBuilder.com survey of hiring and human resource managers across industries and company sizes. A surprising 27 percent of employers said a visible tattoo could nix a promotion — no matter how much it was warranted. And it’s not just a tattoo that can put the kibosh on your ability to climb the corporate ladder. When asked which aspects of a worker’s physical appearance would make them less likely to promote that person, employers said:

  1. Provocative attire: 44 percent

  2. Wrinkled clothing or a shabby appearance: 43 percent

  3. Piercings outside of traditional ear piercings: 32 percent

  4. Attire that is too casual for the workplace: 27 percent

  5. Visible tattoos: 27 percent

  6. An unprofessional or ostentatious haircut: 25 percent

  7. Unprofessional or ostentatious facial hair: 24 percent

  8. Bad breath: 23 percent

  9. Heavy perfume or cologne: 21 percent

  10. Too much makeup: 15 percent

“In addition to on-the-job accomplishments, employers also take attitude, behavior and appearance into consideration when deciding who deserves to move up in the ranks,” said Rosemary Haefner, chief human resources officer at CareerBuilder. “While your work performance may be strong, if you’re not presenting yourself in a professional manner, it may be preventing your superiors from taking you seriously.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Do you remember the teenager who six years ago invented a machine that he said could get rid of the plastic that was gathering in the ocean?  Well, just in time for Earth Day, the young Dutch genius announced that he is almost ready to launch his ground-breaking initiative designed to purge the seas of the “Great Pacific Garbage Patch.  This patch is a massive island of trash drifting halfway between California and Hawaii. Over a trillion pieces of debris have collected there because of the swirling vortex of current—a floating mass roughly twice the size of Texas.  After discovering the patch in the 90s, scientists said it would take thousands of years to clean it up—but Boylan Slat said in his TEDx talk that he could do it in less than ten, if he could get his special machinery built.  Though his claim caused many skeptics to raise their eyebrows, Slat dropped out of college so he could bring his plans to life. In addition to crowdfunding $2.2 million for his idea, he garnered millions more dollars through interested investors.  His nonprofit Ocean Cleanup Project now employs 70 engineers, researchers, and scientists — all dedicated to cleansing the sea of plastic.  (Read the full story and watch the video at: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/young-man-to-rid-ocean-of-plastic-this-summer)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Just how low can you go? Pretty darn low we’re afraid. In Midlothian, Virginia, 21-year-old Publix employee Liberty Gratz is deaf and partially blind, so she normally interacts with customers using pen and paper. Well, she was straightening a shelf when all of the sudden a female customer intentionally hit her on her back! Gratz says the woman had apparently been trying to get her attention, unaware of her disability. She “turned and told the lady she couldn’t hear by pointing to her ear and shaking her head no. She handed the lady a pen and paper so she could tell her what she needed, then showed her where it was.” Believe it or not, the customer still acted angry! Gratz says store managers looked “again and again and again” at video footage of the incident, but they couldn’t identify the woman “because there were so many people blocking the camera.” She says she still hopes to get in touch with her, though, simply to teach her about being kind to people, regardless of whether they have a disability. (WRIC)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you! –Tommy Smothers

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. –Rita Mae Brown

The artist doesn’t have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don’t have the time to read reviews. –William Faulkner

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 27, 2018…

Avengers: Infinity War—The blockbuster spring/summer season is starting early with this  comic book character-driven film.  Just about everyone who can hold a script and wear a costume is in the film, such as Karen Gillan, Elizabeth Olson, Josh Brolin (as Thanos the villain), Scarlett Johansson, Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man) and Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Strange. Plus, as they used to say in the old movie epics, “a cast of thousands.” Actually, now, computerization takes care of that.  The basic plot is that things have been going smoothly for the dynamic ones, until Thanos decides he wants all the Infinity Stones to rule the world, and away he goes. Then, the fate of Earth is in the hands of…you guessed it.  “Avengers: Infinity War” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Animal Crackers—An animated film about what happens when you are suddenly gifted (inheritance) a circus, but it turns out it is a broken-down circus. What to do? The usual ads are working, but suddenly, the new owner finds a box of “magic crackers” and finds he can become any animal he wants. Hmm. Voices of John Krasinki, Emily Blunt, Danny De Vito and Ian McKellan as the villain (and there always is one.) “Animal Crackers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for circus fans.

I Feel Pretty—Amy Schumer stars in this film about an insecure woman who thinks no one sees her at all. After a fall, Amy wakes up thinking she is a beautiful woman and that now people will REALLY see her. Kind of like the “Emperor’s New Clothes.” Also in the cast are Michelle Will, Busy Phillips, Lauren Hutton and Tom Hopper. “I Feel Pretty” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard is a remake of the Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn film of clashing personalities. This one stars Anna Faris.

The Bad Samaritan has a thief discovering a drastic secret in one of the houses he chooses to rob. Stars David Tennant.

Son Of Bigfoot is an animated film of a teenager trying to find his father. Voice of Pappy Faulkner.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.