May 04, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180504
PDF: 20180504

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Live! From the outskirts of sanity! It’s The (Jock) Program!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The great can protect themselves, but the poor and humble require the arm and shield of the law.” – Andrew Jackson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. — Luke 9:23-24

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. — Job 19:25

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:19

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins. — James 4:17

Thought: Jesus taught this principle when he healed on the Sabbath (Mark 3:1-7) and told the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37). Our Lord made it clear that to neglect to do a good deed for another in need, even if we had a religious excuse for not doing it, was to do evil. Let’s be a people known for doing good deeds and sharing kindness. Let’s not let any excuse, especially a religious excuse, interfere with our glorious and holy opportunities to serve others in the name of Jesus.

Prayer: Dear Father, please use me today to bless someone in need so that they may know your grace and so that Jesus, your Son and my Savior, will be glorified. In Jesus’ sweet and precious name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Peter 5:4 NIV = And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 04, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
234 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is COMPLIMENT SOMEONE’S SMILE DAY, a day to express appreciation to happy people for helping the rest of us feel better. ***And might I say your smile is brilliant this morning!

Today is INDEPENDENCE DAY IN RHODE ISLAND.  ***How is this possible?  Independence Day is July 4th in the United States… how can Rhode Island celebrate it on May 4th?

Today is INTERNATIONAL RESPECT FOR CHICKENS DAY, a day to stick up for chickens.  ***Hey, I’ll respect them as best I can just so long as they remain finger-lickin’-good.

Today is NATIONAL CANDIED ORANGE PEEL DAY.  ***I think orange candy tastes nasty… and nobody eats orange peels… so why on earth would someone combine the two to make nasty candied orange peels?  Is tomorrow going to be Candied Bologna Peel day?

This is NATIONAL CLEAN AIR WEEK. ***MARLAR: Here’s our idea… everyone cleans the air tonight by going outside and aiming your Shop-Vac at the sky.

This is NATIONAL INSECTOCUTOR WEEK. ***MARLAR: Imagine that, an entire week dedicated to watching your bug-zapper.

And, of course, today is STAR WARS DAY. May the Fourth be with you!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Bird Day
Intergalactic Star Wars Day (May the Fourth Be With You!)
International Firefighters Day
International Respect for Chickens Day
International Space Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
National Life Insurance Day
Petite and Proud Day
School Lunch Hero Day
Tuba Day
World Give Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MAY 05

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day
Bombshell’s Day
Cartoonists Day
Childhood Stroke Awareness Day
Cinco de Mayo
Free Comic Book Day
Herb Day
International Day of The Midwife
International Roller Derby Day
Join Hands Day
Kentucky Derby
Martin Z. Mollusk Day
National Auctioneers Day
National Astronaut Day
National Homebrew Day
National Scrapbooking Day
National Wildfire Community Preparedness Day
Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)
Silence The Shame Day
Start Seeing Monarchs Day
Totally Chipotle Day
World Naked Gardening Day

SUNDAY, MAY 06

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

TUESDAY, MAY 08

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 09

Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day

THURSDAY, MAY 10

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

FRIDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

ON THIS DAY

1927: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded in Hollywood.

1956: Gene Vincent and his group, The Blue Caps, recorded “Be-Bop-A Lula.”

1959: The first ever Grammies were awarded for: best single Domenico Modugnos “Volare;” best album Henry Mancinis Peter Gunn; best C&W the Kingston Trios “Tom Dooley;” best R&B “Tequila” by The Champs.

1968: “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy” by Ohio Express entered the Billboard Hot 100. It sold a million and hit #4, though Ohio Express had nothing to do with it. It was a demo with studio musicians; co-writer Joey Levine was lead vocalist.

1975: Moe Howard, the last of the original Three Stooges, died of cancer at age 78. His real name was Moses Horwitz. Moe, with his brothers Curly and Shemp, created the Three Stooges as a vaudeville act. They made 190 short movies.

1976: “Waltzing Mathilda’ was adopted as Australia’s national anthem. It was replaced in 1986 with “Australia Fair.”

1987: Playtex became the first manufacturer to air TV ads featuring live models wearing bras.

1994: After Ernie Banks paraded a goat around Wrigley Field for good luck, the Chicago Cubs beat Cincinnati to end a 12-game home losing streak.

1997: Seven Bob Mosers and their wives attended the first meeting of the Robert Moser Society in Columbia, Missouri. The group listed 43 Bob Mosers as members, and hoped to eventually enlist the other 199 known Bob Mosers.

1997: A wildly quacking duck, jumping around in circles in the middle of the street, stopped a police car in Bensalem, Pennsylvania. Then, the mama mallard led the officers to a nearby storm drain where her nine baby ducks were trapped. The officers rescued the babies, and proclaimed the mama one dexterous duck.

2001: Actress Bonnie Lee Bakley was fatally shot while sitting in a car waiting for her actor husband Robert Blake. In April 2002, Blake was charged with the murder, but a jury acquitted him in 2005.

2001: A South African grandmother caught driving at 106 miles per hour near Capetown told officers she was late for church. The 71-year-old woman was fined the equivalent of $110.

2003: Idaho Gem was born at the University of Idaho The baby mule was the first clone of a hybrid animal.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1256: Pope Alexander IV founded the Roman Catholic religious order of the Augustine Hermits.

1493: Pope Alexander VI issued “Inter caeterea II,” which divided possession of the New World discoveries by Spain and Portugal along a longitudinal line running 250 miles west of the Cape Verde Islands.

1746: The Moravians in Pennsylvania established the Moravian Women’s Seminary at Bethlehem. It was the first educational institution of its kind established by the “Unitas Fratrum” in (colonial) America.

1784: Birth of Carl G. Glaser, German music teacher. Of his many choral pieces, Glaser is primarily remembered today for his hymn tune AZMON, to which the Church today sings: “O For a Thousand Tongues.”

1923: Sir W. Robertson Nicoll, editor of the British journal The Expositor (which included articles by many leading scholars) and of a 50-volume Expositor’s Bible (published 1888-1905), dies.

1970: In deciding the legal case “Walz v. Tax Commission of New York,” the United States Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of a New York statute exempting church-owned property from taxation.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Numerous TV guest appearances, best known as Erin Walton on “The Waltons”) Mary McDonough 56 (audio clip)
  • actor (Dean Borak on “Boy Meets World”, Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson in Die Hard, Principal Richard Vernon in The Breakfast Club) Paul Gleason 74 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1923 : Ed Cassidy (Spirit)

1928 : Maynard Ferguson

1934 : Ace Cannon

1937 : Dick Dale

1938 : Tyrone Davis

1941 : Richard Burns (The Hondells)

1941 : David LaFlamme (It’s A Beautiful Day)

1942 : Nick Ashford (Ashford & Simpson)
1943 : Ronnie Bond (The Troggs)

1943 : Ricky West (The Tremoloes)

1944 : Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield, Poco)

1944 : Peggy Santiglia (The Angels, Dusk)

1945 : George Wadenius (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1946 : Nick Fortuna (The Buckinghams)

1949 : Zal Cleminson (The Sensational Alex Harvey Band)

1949 : Stella Parton

1951 : Bruce Day (Santana, Pablo Cruise)

1951 : Jackie Jackson (The Jacksons)

1951 : Mick Mars (Motley Crue)

1959 : Randy Travis

1970 : Gregg Alexander (The New Radicals)

1972 : Chris Tomlin

1972 : Mike Dirnt (Green Day)

1979 : Lance Bass (‘N Sync)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where did we get the term “acid test”?

This reminds me of my 10th grade geometry teacher. We called any test she gave the acid test because she was a real pickle-puss. But enough of my adolescent bitterness. The origins of this phrase were quite literal. More than a century ago, when much of the population lived in rural areas, the peddler was an important person. Not only did he sell all sorts of manufactured goods otherwise unavailable, he also bought old objects made of gold. For this purpose he needed an easy way to estimate the gold content of, say, an old spoon. He did it by nicking it slightly and pouring nitric acid on the indentation. The color the liquid turned revealed the percentage of gold present. So the acid test was as good as gold, to coin a phrase.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In India, a 22-year-old man was arrested for attempting to sit in for his 12-year-old sister’s junior college entrance exams on her behalf. The 22-year-old said he got the idea of putting on a wig and a dress to pass himself off as his sister from a movie. ***If only he’d also had the idea to shave off the goatee…

Two or three beers may be a better painkiller than the stuff you get in the drugstore, according to a British study. Researchers (Greenwich University) say they discovered strong evidence that alcohol is an effective painkiller. They also concluded the more beer people drank, the less pain they felt. The study compared 18 different controlled experiments that involved 404 people. They found that a blood alcohol content of .08, about three or four regular drinks, can reduce pain by up to 25 percent. It also increased pain tolerance a little. ***Still though – if you’re planning on driving, please opt for the ibuprofen.

Budweiser is rolling out a new beer this month. Freedom Reserve Red Lager was inspired by a hand-written recipe found in George Washington’s military journal kept during the French and Indian War in 1757.  ***It tastes especially good if sipped through wooden dentures.

A former Russian Defense Minister spokesman says the Russians have been secretly planting nuclear bombs off America’s coast so that they can be detonated, causing huge tidal waves that will destroy American cities. ***Wait a minute, is this a news report, or a leaked premise for the next 007 movie?

The Howe Caverns is a cave in the middle of New York state. Howe Caverns is a popular tourist attraction, providing cave-goers with a sense of caving or spelunking, without needing the advanced equipment and training usually associated with such adventures. And on July 14, visitors won’t even need clothing. Howe Caverns is hosting “Naked in a Cave,” in honor of International Nude Day. Adults can tour the caves by lantern in the buff. ***So where do you carry the matches for the lantern?

Facebook is planning to launch a new dating feature for “meaningful, long term relationships.”  ***Almost as meaningful as those Facebook friends you have that you’ve never met!

Zachary Cruz, the younger brother of accused Parkland, FL, school shooter Nikolas Cruz, was arrested for allegedly violating conditions of his probation.  ***Sounds like the entire Cruz family is “Cruzin’” for a bruisin’.

Iowa lawmakers are working on the toughest abortion law ever. It would ban any abortion once a heartbeat is detected, around 6 weeks into the pregnancy.  ***Well, you can’t really say it’s not alive if you hear a heartbeat.

Because girls are now allowed, after 108 years, the Boy Scouts of America are dropping the word “boy” from their name. Soon to be Scouts, BSA.  ***Which makes absolutely no sense – because they “B” in BSA stands for the word BOY.  So they’re changing their name from “Boy Scouts of America” to “Scouts, Boy Scouts of America”.  Oh yeah – that totally makes it non-gender specific.

Kylie Jenner celebrated boyfriend Travis Scott’s birthday by renting out Six Flags Magic Mountain.  ***I want to be Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend!  I’ll have to ask my wife if she’s okay with that.

Venezuela has nearly doubled their minimum wage to just over $3 a month. ***Wow – what will they do with all of that extra money?  Who can possibly find a way to spend six dollar a month?!?!

Blac Chyna is already the mother to two small children, and she’s reportedly pregnant with her third… compliments of her teenage boyfriend.  ***Well, they say “do what you’re good at” – and apparently Blac Chyna is good at forgetting birth control.

Jackie Chan’s 18-year-old estranged daughter and her partner claim they’ve been homeless and sleeping under a bridge “due to homophobic parents.”  ***Wait – so you a victim of homophobia, and homelessness?  So you’re suffering from homophoblessness? (What does your parents being homophobic have to do with you being homeless? You’re eighteeen years old – get a job and an apartment and stop blaming your circumstances on someone else.)

Meghan Markle’s brother has called her a “phoney” and said that she’s “not genuine like Diana.”  ***Sounds like SOMEBODY has princess envy.

The alcoholic beverage choice of Americans: 43% beer, 32% wine and 20% hard liquor. Beer makers provided 26.4 gallons of beer per American adult in 2017.  ***Which means that if you’re not a drinker, someone else is picking up your slack!  It’s YOUR fault they are an alcoholic!

Even though she lost the election last year, Hillary Clinton has come up in over 5,000 political TV ads in Ohio.  ***”Vote for me, because I’m not a loser like her…”

A third woman has now stepped forward, claiming unwanted advances from Tom Brokaw.  ***Film at eleven.

Johnny Depp is being sued by two of his former bodyguards, who claim unpaid wages and unfair working conditions.  ***Quick piece of advice for Mr. Depp – if you want to make sure your current bodyguards take their job seriously and remain loyal, it’s probably best not to let them see how you mistreated your previous bodyguards.

A California 7-11 store is playing classical music in an effort to stop loitering.  ***The only bums still hanging around panhandling are the more highly cultured ones.

A fight involving 20 people broke out at a Maryland Mall food court when someone got upset about their order at Burger King.  ***It was a WHOPPER of a food fight.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

I don’t know why we need to know this, but swinging your arms while walking saves energy and it’s good for your legs. That’s the result of a study to find out why humans naturally swing their arms instead of holding them still when walking. ***Well, that and the fact that if you don’t swing your arms you end up being made fun of by Jerry and Elaine (from “Seinfeld”).

Researchers say eating a daily dose of dark chocolate can reduce your chances of dying of stroke or heart attack. ***However your rear end will get too wide for you to get through doorways and you’ll either be stuck inside or outside your home.

A study from Manchester Metropolitan University found there is more bacteria on your cell phone than on a door handle, a shoe sole or even a toilet seat! ***On the plus side, you can easily clean your cell phone by wiping it on a toilet seat.

New studies conclude that depression among pregnant women is at least as common as postpartum depression. ***Varicose veins, stretch marks, 20 added pounds, knowing what’s going to happen to you in the delivery room – gee, what’s there to be depressed about?

Nearly half of Canadians want to deport people who are illegally crossing into Canada from the U.S., and a similar number disapprove of how their Prime Minister is handling the influx. ***Have you thought about building a wall?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear had cancelled his checkers game with Sully because he wanted to go bowling with his new friend, Grizz Bear – doing a favor for the team who was short one player. But Sully is upset about Gruffy not keeping his promise…

CLOSE: Did Gruffy get a strike and win the game for his new friend, Grizz? Will they move on to the next round? The championships? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

In today’s Moment of Duh we’re going to do a little creative banking.

We have two inDUHviduals in our Moment of Duh today – Linda and Peter Garnett of Grantham, England. Linda and Peter decided to print of a phony $16.6-million check and tried to deposit the check into their checking account. They made to a blinding error though. Along with the check, they tried to deposit a welfare check at the same time. That really stuck out, considering the bank was where Linda happened to work.

TOP TEN

1. The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi. (TRUE)

2. After the elephant, the giraffe is the heaviest of all land animals. (FALSE… it’s the hippopotamus weighing as much as 4 tons!)

3. More Americans spend July 4th with their families than any other holiday. (TRUE… about 80% do!)

4. 415 words in the 2004 edition of Webster’s Dictionary were actually misspelled. (FALSE)

5. If you raise your legs slowly and lie on your back, you cannot sink in quicksand. (TRUE)

6. Famous Top 40 countdown DJ Casey Kasem is also the voice of Scooby-Doo! (FALSE… but he IS the voice of Shaggy)

7. The U.S. buys up almost 75% of the world’s diamonds. (FALSE… but we do buy up 50% and we only have one diamond mine!)

8. Recent Oscar winner Halle Berry was originally offered the part of Annie, played by Sandra Bullock in the film “Speed.” (TRUE… and Stephen Baldwin was first offered the part of Jack played by Keanu Reeves!)

9. While spider webs differ from spider to spider, an individual spider will always spin the exact same web. (FALSE)

10. The word “taxi” is spelled the same in English, German, French, Swedish, and Portuguese. (TRUE)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A request at the meat counter turns criminal in today’s files of Law & Disorder. 

FILE #1: Two men who tried to steal $400 worth of meat from a supermarket in Milford, Massachusetts, almost got away. The pair approached the butcher at a supermarket and asked for $400 worth of tenderloin to be cut. A manager headed to the area to oversee the transaction and caught one guy tucking wrapped tenderloins in his jacket and spotted the other limping down an aisle, with two large bulges at the bottom of his pants. The two made it outside and ran into the woods and to a nearby store before taking off in a car. One of the two meat snatchers actually pulled two tenderloins out of his pants and handed it back to the manager before leaving. A couple of other tenderloins were found discarded on a store shelf near baby diapers. Witnesses saw their license plate number and police were able to catch up with them.

FILE #2: A woman from Modesto, California, was having major problems with her husband, so she got a restraining order against him. Her upset husband was so upset he attempted to get the restraining order lifted. Unable to convince his wife to do it, the man dressed up as a woman an attempted to impersonate his wife at a court hearing to have the restraining order removed. It didn’t work.  ***MARLAR: Gee, it makes you wonder why she ever wanted a restraining order, doesn’t it?  He sounds like a real catch.

FILE #3: Harry Jackson didn’t get caught breaking out of jail. He was nabbed trying to break back in. According to Camden County, Ga., Sheriff Tommy Gregory, deputies found a jail door unlocked over the weekend. He says Jackson had opened a door to the exercise yard and climbed the outer fence. Deputies say they spotted Jackson trying to sneak back into the lockup with 14 packs of smokes. Authorities believe the cigarettes were stolen from a convenience store about a block away. Jackson now faces new charges of breaking out of jail and burglary.

STRANGE LAW: It’s almost summer… what if you were told that you were no longer allowed to eat watermelon in public. Pretty stupid rule, huh? Well, it’s now a law in China! Apparently, thousands of people have been injured by slipping on the discarded watermelon rinds. Under the new law, anyone caught eating the fruit in public can be sentenced up to three years in prison.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

DON’T DRINK AND FLY

The Department of Transportation in California is experiencing a most unusual problem — drunk birds! Intoxicated birds have been careening into car windshields and flying into the pavement, leaving scores of bird carcasses along Interstate 5 in Shasta County. The birds had apparently been eating the parneyi cotoneaster berry, a fermenting fruit that gives birds an alcohol buzz. More than 20 years ago its bushes were planted by state Department of Transportation landscapers. Transportation spokeswoman Debbie Ginn (that’s right, a lady named “Ginn” involved in a drunken bird story) says there have been no injuries to people from the birds.

PHONER PHUN

Okay… so today is “Respect for Chickens Day.” How do you think we could celebrate?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who confessed to his mother that he had stolen pieces of silver from her?
ANSWER: Micah (Judges 17:1, 2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The US has one; Canada has one. In fact, most countries have just one. But South Africa has two. Two what?

ANSWER: National Anthems.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi. (TRUE)

2. After the elephant, the giraffe is the heaviest of all land animals. (FALSE… it’s the hippopotamus weighing as much as 4 tons!)

3. More Americans spend July 4th with their families than any other holiday. (TRUE… about 80% do!)

4. 415 words in the 2004 edition of Webster’s Dictionary were actually misspelled. (FALSE)

5. If you raise your legs slowly and lie on your back, you cannot sink in quicksand. (TRUE)

6. Famous Top 40 countdown DJ Casey Kasem is also the voice of Scooby-Doo! (FALSE… but he IS the voice of Shaggy)

7. The U.S. buys up almost 75% of the world’s diamonds. (FALSE… but we do buy up 50% and we only have one diamond mine!)

8. Oscar winner Halle Berry was originally offered the part of Annie, played by Sandra Bullock in the film “Speed.” (TRUE… and Stephen Baldwin was first offered the part of Jack played by Keanu Reeves!)

9. While spider webs differ from spider to spider, an individual spider will always spin the exact same web. (FALSE)

10. The word “taxi” is spelled the same in English, German, French, Swedish, and Portuguese. (TRUE)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ CITIZENS TARGETED IN NEW ALCOHOL LAW (ELDERLY)

Older U.S. beer enthusiasts may soon find themselves in handcuffs.

While alcohol laws have traditionally targeted age limits for younger residents, officials are currently looking at a cap of 60 years old for legal alcohol purchases. Lawmakers cite a number of reasons for the proposal, ranging from health concerns to road safety.

“All medical professionals agree that alcohol makes the health of the elderly much worse,” said one Washington insider. “And as most DUI cases involve more grandmothers than 20-somethings, it was kind of a no-brainer. We’re all surprised this hasn’t come up before.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A patient in a psychiatric hospital spent all day with his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor watched this person do this day after day. The doctor finally decided to see what he was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.” The patient replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”

Psychiatrist: “Do you talk in your sleep?”

Patient: “No, I talk in other people’s sleep.”

Psychiatrist: “I don’t understand.”

Patient: “I’m a preacher.”

JOKE #2

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother, he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”

JOKE #3

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

USELESS FACTS

Authorities in Northern Mexico are trying to cut down on accidents by fining drivers who apply lipstick, shave or carry a pet while at the wheel. ***Unless, of course, the pet is a better driver than you.

An educational bit of trivia for you today: What would you get if you asked for a “pottle” of ice cream at the supermarket?  The term “pottle” is the legal measurement describing an amount equal to two quarts. Legally, there is no such term as “half-gallon.”  ***But if you asked for a pottle of ice cream at the supermarket, you’d probably get a dumb look from the stock clerk.

FEATURED FUNNIES

PEERS?

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Ever heard of LITERAL fast food?

The Weekly World News says in Tallahassee, Florida, a “fast-food” restaurant is taking the concept literally. It’s hired minor league pitchers to throw customers’ orders at them, at speeds up to 85mph. The restaurant, Mound of Food, named after a pitching mound, is the brainchild of Grover “Lefty” Robinson, who was a minor league pitcher for several years. “I toiled around in the minors hoping to make it to the big leagues, but I never did,” Robinson, 54, says. “I was beating myself up over how much time I’d wasted and how I should’ve gone to business school like my parents said, when I came up with the idea of using my talent to deliver fast-food. “Florida is the perfect place for my restaurant, since tens of thousands of fans come down here every year for spring training,” he says. At Mound of Food, customers step into the “Batter’s Box” where they order their meal, which is standard fast-food fare. The food is placed in a Styrofoam ball that resembles a baseball, and minor league pitchers throw it to the customers, who stand 50 feet away, to catch it.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GIVING

My dad, an evangelist, was the original soft touch. I remember him once going off to speak in a tiny church and coming home ten days later.

Eventually my mother asked about the offering. I can still see my father’s face as he smiled and looked at the floor. “You gave the money away again, didn’t you?” she asked.

“Myrt,” he said, “the pastor there is going through a hard time. His kids are so needy. I felt I should give the entire fifty dollars to them.”

My good mother looked at my father for a few moments and then smiled. “You know, if God told you to do it, its okay with me.”

A few days later, we ran completely out of money, so my father gathered us for a time of prayer. He said, “Lord, you told us that if we would honor you in our good times, that you would take care of us when things are difficult. We need a little help at this time.”

The next day we received an unexpected check for $1,200. That’s the way it happened, not once, but many times. No matter what you give, you’ll find you can never out-give God.

Source: Night Light: A Devotional for Couples, By Dobson, James C.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MORE THAN RESULTS

Read: Psalm 84

My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. –Psalm 84:2

It was the eve of the National Day of Prayer, and a Christian leader was being interviewed on national television. With a question that seemed devised to trip up his guest, the interviewer referred to the nation’s worsening moral crisis and said, “Does that mean the Lord didn’t listen to last year’s prayer?”

“No,” came the insightful reply. “God is sovereign, and you have to accept how He works and when He works.” How true that is!

Many people think of prayer only in terms of asking and receiving. But it’s more than results. It’s about relationship. One of the most powerful reasons to pray is to maintain a strong relationship with God.

Prayer is conversation with Someone we love and with whom we want to stay close to. It is communication with our heavenly Father. Notice how the writer of Psalm 84 longed to be near to God: “My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (v.2). When we pray, we are enriched by the growing bond that develops between us and the Lord.

Prayer is complex. But we mustn’t miss the great truth that when we as God’s children draw near to Him in prayer He draws near to us (Jas. 4:8). That’s all the motivation we need to make every day a day of prayer.

LEFTOVERS

CATWOMAN

A woman is told by a judge that she can keep her cats… all 104 of them!

Despite concerns from neighbors and the Humane Society, a judge in Fairfax County, VA, told Kristin Kierig that she could keep all 104 cats that share her townhouse because the house is apparently clean and the cats groomed and in good health. Kristen produced medical records on the cats, showed that she cleans the 101 litter boxes twice a day and keeps the 15 water bowls and 20 food bowls well stocked, and demonstrated she can remember each cat by name. She did confess that her house might have a bit of an “odor.”  ***MARLAR: Gee, ya think?!?!  And what kind of job does this woman have that she has enough time to take care of 104 cats?  And is that company hiring?

LIFE… LIVE IT

FAT-O-NOMICS

Gold’s Gym has revealed astonishing facts about the financial costs that are associated with obesity in the United States. According to Gold-sponsored research, Americans’ expanding waistlines comes with a price tag of $122.9 billion, with obese Americans losing nearly $10,000 per year out of their own pockets. The Fat-O-Nomics breakdown:

  • More weight means more gas that a car or truck needs to burn. Obese Americans burn at least 9 more gallons of gas per year than a typical American. Fat gas tax: $36
  • An average of one full week of work is lost due to obesity-related ailments. Total lost wages: $932
  • A visit to the doctor once per year strictly for obesity-related ailments. Co-pay: $15
  • The average American spends 4% of their annual income on clothing each year, but those who are obese pay an extra 25% for their clothes. Clothing surcharge: $485
  • The typical American travels by airplane 2.5 times a year at an average cost of $331 per flight.  Americans carrying an excessive amount of weight will often have to pay for an extra seat on these flights. Travel tax: $828

JUST FOR FUN

BEFORE IT’S TIME

Have someone that’s constantly late to work? We have the perfect gift idea for them!

“Gosh, my watch must be running slow.” How many times have you heard that one?!? That may not be a legitimate excuse much longer! The world’s most accurate clock has an even more accurate clock to compete with now. We use atomic clocks now to stay accurate – they keep the entire world on time. But now there’s a new clock. It’s 1,000 times more accurate than the atomic clock. It’s accurate to the femtosecond. A femtosecond is the smallest unit of time used by scientists and is to a second what a second is to 32 million years. ***MARLAR: Our boss says time is money, so he’s offered us all a femto-raise in pay.

FUN LIST

HAVING A BABY? HERE ARE SOME FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE SHOWER

  • Get some string and everyone has to cut a length of string that they think will fit exactly around the stomach of the expectant mother. The one closest to the exact length wins.

  • Get a tray of baby items – diaper pins, wipes, baby bottle etc. Show the tray to everyone and then take it out of the room. Whoever can write down the most items that they remember were on the tray wins.

  • Stack a baby tub or something like that with items and have everyone guess how many items are in it; the closest to the number wins.

  • Have a doll and baby clothes. You have to pass the doll around the room and dress it as you would a real child (not holding the head between your legs, etc) The one with the quickest time wins.

  • Have three baby bottles filled with liquid (water, juice, milk) Take three contestants and the one that can drink the contents the fastest wins.

  • Put a memo pad on top of your head. On the hostess’s urging, draw a head, then take your pen down to your side, then draw arms, body , etc. on the memo pad one by one, taking your arm down each time so you don’t cheat. Whoever comes closest to their drawing actually looking like a real person wins.

  • Put up a clothes line in the living room, and clip a whole bunch of clothes pins to it. Whoever can hold the most clothespins in one hand (like you’re taking down the laundry) wins.

  • Everyone gets a clothes pin and clips it somewhere on their clothing at the beginning of the shower. If you spot someone crossing their legs, you get their clothes pin. Whoever had the most clothespins at the end of the shower wins.

  • Make little nametags in the shape of a diaper out of napkins with little safety pins. Put a brown spot in one of them. Everyone puts one on at the beginning of the shower, and then whoever has the “dirty diaper” wins.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

10 SHOPPING TRICKS THAT STORES HATE (from Consumerist.com)

  • Buying loss leaders (products that a company sells below or at cost) and leaving

  • Using credit and paying it off on time

  • Saying NO to the extended warranty

  • Activating your own phone with a cell phone company

  • Shopping in the store but buying online

  • Buying 1 when it’s 2 for $5

  • Opening a store credit card to get a discount, then cutting up the card

  • Using websites to track 30 day price guarantees

  • Buying seasonal items at clearance prices (for next year)

  • Buying “accessories” on eBay rather than paying huge markups

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Parents have for years rationed the amount of television their children can watch in the belief that too much will scramble their offspring’s brains. Now a study suggests the opposite is true — that children who are glued to the screen for hours a day can significantly outperform classmates who watch considerably less. It also found that other family rules imposed by parents hoping to boost their children’s academic prowess, such as insisting on regular bed or meal times, make only a relatively small difference. While TV has been consistently blamed for diminishing children’s brain power, academics found those who watched three or more hours a day were three months ahead of those who watched less than an hour a day. It seems the educational value of children’s television had been underestimated, as it may also help expose some children to a broader vocabulary than they get at home.

Did you ever notice that you gain weight when you’re stressed? You’re not imagining that. Research suggests that when you’re totally frazzled, your metabolism stalls. One reason: Chronic stress stimulates the production of betatrophin, a protein that inhibits an enzyme needed to break down fat. Research from a University of Florida study found that women who experienced a stressful event the day before eating a single high-fat meal burned 104 fewer calories over the seven hours following the meal than their more chilled counter parts. The study author stated, “The stressed women also had higher insulin levels, which contributes to fat storage… these effects could lead to a gain of 11 pounds a year.” (Health) ***Sounds like a stress-free vacation might be a great diet plan.

If you feel guilty for taking a nap every day, don’t. 34% of adults take a daily nap. Asylum.com reports that a Pew Research Center survey found that in the past 24 hours, 34% of U.S. adults have taken a nap. Men are more likely than women to nap and only those who are under age 50 were counted, then both men and women are equally inclined to nap. Napping accelerates once we hit age 80, but all age groups between 18 and 79 have about the same inclination towards snoozing in daylight hours.

According to Kari Gans, R.D., author of The Small Change Diet, people often think their doctor is judging them when they’re asked, “How often would you say your exercise?” A recent study shows overweight patients would avoid doctors who emphasize their own health. Studies also show weight bias in the medical field can lower the quality of care for overweight people. To combat that, Touro University of Osteopathic Medicine in New York City created courses to help change the mindset and a new study shows that students who took those courses reduced their prejudices. The take away — choose a doctor who’s compassionate, so you can be honest with her. Look at reviews, not just profiles, checking for quality and quantity, ones who spend at least 15 minutes of time with you. (Women’s Health)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Good News Network) Jaron Johnson may only be 8 years old, but he is already well on his way to being an upstanding citizen after his compassionate display of integrity last week.  The youngster was out running errands with his mom when he found a $100 bill in the parking lot of a Walmart in Pineville, Louisiana.  “He was a few steps behind me and said, ‘Mom, look what I have in my pocket,’ and he said, ‘Can we turn it in to Walmart and give it to the rightful owner?’” Jaron’s mom Jodie told Inside Edition.  Jodie was aware of how an employee could simply pocket the money for themselves, so she told Jaron that they would go home and work out how to return the money the following day.  The next day, Jaron told his mom to call Walmart and ask if anyone had reported the missing money. Jodie then called the store and left her phone number with the clerk. She did not, however, mention exactly what the missing property was.  Later that same day, she received a call from the daughter of James Grice: an 86-year-old man who had lost the $100 while he was shopping.  Because the senior lives on a fixed income, he had been unable to buy his groceries without the money; so when he discovered that someone had kept his finances safe, he was overwhelmed with joy.  Grice and James met each other a few days later so the youngster could give him the money. As a means of expressing his gratitude, Grice gave Jaron $20 and a permanent invitation to the fresh tomatoes in his vegetable garden – which also happen to be one of Jaron’s favorite snacks.  “Jaron’s got a big heart,” Ms. Johnson said. “He has a passion for others. He has always shown his integrity and heart for others.”

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It’s bad enough to be detained for a crime you didn’t commit; it’s worse when that detention leads to nearly three weeks in the back of a van, deprived of a bathroom. Edward Kovari of Virginia is suing Brevard Extraditions, Prisoner Transportation Services of America, and its parent company, Prisoner Transportation Services. It seems Mr. Kovari was arrested in September 2016 in Winchester, Va., with a cop telling him the car he was driving had been reported stolen in Houston. That wasn’t true, but Kovari was still extradited to Texas in an 18-day trip in a private prison transport van. Kovari says he and the 15 or so others crammed in the van received small water rations and occasional fast food, that he was denied his hypertension meds, and that, due to no bathroom breaks, he spent much of the seven-state trip sitting in his own and others’ waste. An editor for a prisoner legal publication tells the AP conditions like these are common in the private prison transport arena, as the goal is to pick up as many prisoners around the nation as possible for “cost efficiency.” When Kovari finally arrived in Houston, he couldn’t walk and his blood pressure had spiked to above 200 (a systolic number above 130 is considered high). The charges against Kovari were eventually dismissed. His suit alleges negligence, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and a violation of his 14th Amendment rights. (Washington Post)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” –Milton Berle

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard—This seems to be the year of the remake, whether in television or the movies.  “Overboard” was a 1987 hit with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn in which she was a spoiled rich girl and he the rugged guy. This time around, the roles are switched, and Anna Faris is the poor girl, while Eugenio Derbez is the spoiled rich kid of a mobster.  Anna is hired to clean the kid’s yacht, and he accidentally falls overboard, gets amnesia and Anna teaches him a few lessons about humility. “Overboard” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Samaritan—A thriller that centers on a valet/thief (Robert Sheehan) who chooses a certain house to rob, only to discover a woman held prisoner there and the owner (David Tennant) is none too pleasant about being robbed.  What to do? Rescue the girl or go to the police? “The Bad Samaritan” is rated R. No rating.

Son Of Bigfoot—An animated film in which a teenager (Pappy Faulkner) goes in search of his long, long lost father.  What he discovers is startling—Dad is actually Bigfoot!  Now, that would be a surprise. Dad is in hiding because an evil company wants his DNA for hair purposes.  “Son of Bigfoot” is rated PG. No rating.

MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party stars Melissa McCarthy in another comedy role., this time going back to college.

Breaking In is a thriller about rescuing hostages. Stars Gabrielle Union.

Terminal concerns crooks planning a robbery. Stars Max Irons.

Assassins Code is trying to solve a crime with a ghost. Justin Chatwin stars.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.