May 05, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:  20160505

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Good morning.  (THE JOCK SHOW) is already in progress. Where it goes from here, of course, is anybody’s guess.

 

I hope you’ll pay close attention because later I may need someone to tell me what I said.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.   — Romans 3:23-24

 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. — Romans 12:12

 

We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. — 1 Thessalonians 1:2

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. — 1 John 4:18

 

Thought: Do you remember what Jesus said when he came walking on the water to his disciples during the storm? He literally told them, “Do not fear, I Am.” In the presence of the holy and awesome Son of God, we don’t have to be afraid. God’s grace to us in Jesus takes away our need for fear because Jesus’ sacrifice makes us holy, without fault, and free from any charge against us (Colossians 1:21-22). Our response? Love! We love our Father for who he is, for what he has done, for his great sacrifice for us, and most of all, for making us holy and taking away our fear.

 

Prayer: Dear Father in heaven, you are holy, awesome, and glorious. These are things I could never be without your grace, yet you have chosen to give me these blessings through the sacrifice of your Son Jesus. Thank you. I love you. In Jesus’ name I praise you. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 5:5 NIV = And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 05, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 233 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL BOO BOO DAY, a day to call someone “Boo Boo.”  ***MARLAR: You might want to stand some distance away when doing so, though, unless you’re a friend of park rangers and are good at stealing picnic baskets.

 

Today is CINCO DE MAYO in the U.S. and Mexico, marking Mexico’s victory over the French at Puebla on May 5, 1862. It is not, as many people think, Mexico’s Independence Day, which is actually September 16.  ***MARLAR: What I don’t understand is why this is also celebrated in the United States. Oh yeah, now I remember – because it’s an excuse for people to party. Nice.  “Hey, we’re celebrating Cinco de Mayo because… uh… because… because it’s May 5th! Alriiiiight! Whoo hoo! Paaaaarrrrttttyyyyyy!!!!”

 

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE CUSTARD DAY. ***MARLAR: Our place of choice, of course, is Culvers!

 

Today is SLOW DOWN DAY.  ***MARLAR: The perfect thing to do while enjoying chocolate custard.

 

SLOW DOWN

I didn’t realize slowing down was a problem for me until I found myself yelling at the microwave because my Hot Pocket was taking more than 2 minutes to warm up.  Here are a few suggestions on how to slow down and calm down from author M.J. Ryan’s book “The Power of Patience: How to Slow Down the Rush and Enjoy More Happiness, Success, and Peace of Mind Every Day.”

  • Go on a mental vacation. When you find yourself tensing up, visualize yourself in the tropics or the Alps — any place you find relaxing.
  • Enjoy the experience. Even while doing chores, get into the pleasure of the experience, instead of rushing through it.
  • Seek practical solutions. If something irritates you, find an easy way to fix it. For instance, get a pop-top tooth-paste dispenser if you see red at the sight of a loose cap on the sink counter.
  • Ask for help. Overload causes stress. Since there’s no prize at the end of your life for doing too much, ask for help from others.
  • Use inspirations. Find a quote that you like and paste it on your bathroom mirror or in your car. When you feel frenzied, use it as a patience pill.
  • Encourage others to be patient, too. Instead of grumbling, strike up a conversation while standing in line. Time will fly and you may meet someone interesting.
  • Use the pebble-in-the-pocket trick. When you start to feel irritated, move a pebble from one pocket to the other to interrupt the anger cycle, which will give you a chance to regroup your thoughts and emotions.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Cartoonists Day

Childhood Stroke Awareness Day

Cinco de Mayo

International Day of the Midwife

International Roller Derby Day

Martin Z. Mollusk Day

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day

National Day of Reason

Totally Chipotle Day

Revenge of the Fifth (Star Wars Sith)

World Password Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MAY 06

Child Care Provider Day

Dandelion Days begin

International Space Day

Joseph Brackett Day

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

No Diet Day

No Homework Day

Nurses Day

Tuba Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 07

Birthmother’s Day

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day

Cosmopolitan Day
Free Comic Book Day

Join Hands Day

Kentucky Derby

Start Seeing Monarchs Day

Mariachi Day

Mother Ocean Day

National Babysitters Day

National Barrier Awareness Day

National Homebrew Day

National Scrapbooking Day

Naked Gardening Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 08

Free Trade Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day

Mothers At The Wall Day

World Laughter Day

National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day

No Socks Day

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

V.E. Day

World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 09

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

National Moscato Day

National Women’s Check-up Day

Occupational Safety and Health Professional Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 10

National Lipid Day

World Lupus Day

One Day Without Shoes Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

Eat What You Want Day

Hostess Cupcake Day

National Foam Rolling Day

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day

National Root Canal Day

School Nurse Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 12

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day

International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1923: Syracuse University refused to let Phi Beta Kappa Bernice Goldstein graduate because she could not learn to swim.

 

1925: John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwin’s theory of evolution.

 

1961: Commander Alan Shepard Jr. was rocketed 115 miles into space from Cape Canaveral to become America’s first space explorer. Fifteen minutes later in the Atlantic Ocean, he said, “Boy, what a ride!”

 

1962: The “Westside Story” soundtrack album reached #1 in Billboard and stayed there 54 weeks.

 

1978: Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds registered his 3,000th major league hit.

 

1982: Singer Vince Gill and wife Janis named their newborn daughter Jenny.

 

1986: Britain’s William Whorriskey set a world record by lifting five barrels filled with water totaling 771 pounds. With one arm.

 

1988: Anatomist Randall Susman reported that a South African archeological discovery shows ancient non-human creatures may have made and used tools.

 

1991: Yasuyuki Kudoh did a record nonstop wheelie on his motorcycle covering 205.7 miles at Tsukuba City, Japan. He was riding a Honda TLM220R.

 

1996: LeAnn Rimes’ first single “Blue” entered the Billboard music charts.

 

1999: A man who admitted making thousands of obscene phone calls over a 3-year-period was arrested in Vienna, Austria, after one of the women told him she was busy and would return his call. So he gave her his phone number.

 

1999: Garth Brooks was named artist of the decade at the annual Academy of Country Music Awards.

 

2000: The world’s first cloned mouse, Cumulina, died of old age at 2 years, 7 months.

 

2001: Cliff Hillegass, the inventor of Cliffs Notes, passed away at the age of 83. ***MARLAR: What most people are unaware of, however, is that they had a large funeral, and then they had a second, shorter funeral with just a few important highlights of the first one.

 

2002: Movie producer Michael Todd Jr. died in Ireland at age 72. He had produced the only feature film in “Smell-O-Vision,” entitled “Scent of Mystery.”

 

2002: A drunk teenager walked away virtually unscathed after a train ran over him when he collapsed on a railway line in Trondhiem, Norway. The 18-year-old passed out lengthways on the tracks and the 82-ton train went within inches of his head at 75 miles an hour. The teen slept through the entire episode and walked away with a small cut on the chin and a hole in the front of his shirt.

 

2004: Picasso’s 1905 painting “Boy with a Pipe” sold for $104 million at Sotheby’s in New York, setting a new record for an auctioned painting.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

553: The Second Council of Constantinople convenes under the presidency of Eutychius, the city’s new patriarch. The council, loaded with bishops from the Eastern church, attacked Nestorianism (a “heresy”—many have questioned that anathema—that overemphasizes Christ’s dual nature as God and man). Nestorian Christians exist to this day.

 

1525: Frederick III, the elector of Saxony also called “Frederick the Wise,” dies. An avid collector of relics and a supporter of modern scholarship (he founded the University of Wittenberg), Frederick protected Martin Luther after the Diet of Worms condemned the reformer.

 

1813: Christian existentialist Soren Kierkegaard is born in Copenhagen. The Danish philosopher believed no philosophical system could explain the human condition; the experience of reality was what mattered, not the “idea” of it. His most famous and his first book, Either/Or, sought in part to explain why he suddenly broke off his engagement.

 

1816: The American Bible Society (ABS) organizes in New York to distribute the Bible throughout the world. The organization has distributed hundreds of millions of Bibles in thousands of languages worldwide.

 

1925: Dayton, Tennessee, teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching evolution in his classroom. (He volunteered to admit violating a recent statute prohibiting such teaching so that the law could be tested in court.) The resulting trial—the first “trial of the century”—led to public mockery of fundamentalist Christians, driving them into a more self-contained subculture.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Jennifer Keaton – the youngest daughter on “Family Ties”) Tina Yothers is 43 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Gimli in the Lord of the Rings movies) John Rhys-Davies, 72
  • Actor/comedian (“Monty Python’s Flying Circus,” A Fish Called Wanda) Michael Palin, 73
  • Actor (The Right Stuff, Bishop the android in Alien and Alien 3) Lance Henriksen, 75

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1898 : Blind Willie McTell

1934 : Ace Cannon

1937 : Johnnie Taylor

1938 : Michael Murphey

1942 : Tammy Wynette

1948 : Bill Ward (Black Sabbath)

1959 : Ian McCulloch (Echo & The Bunnymen)

1962 : Kevin Mooney (Adam and the Ants)

1981 : Craig David

1988 : Brooke Hogan

1988 : Adele

1989 : Chris Brown

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Is the “catgut” used in some tennis rackets and stringed instruments actually what it sounds like it is?

I was appalled by this word when I was a kid. I didn’t want to even consider the possibility that it was what it said it was. Well, those who favor felines can continue listening. But if you’re a lamb lover be warned: what we have here is a sheep in cat’s clothing. These days tennis rackets tend to be strung with steel or nylon, but some are still made from sheep-gut, which is known for its strength. Also, sheep-gut is still used frequently in stringed instruments. It also shows up in surgical sutures and–don’t faint–sausage casings. So why do they call it catgut? Fewer letters? Because sadism toward pussycats is politically correct? In truth, we don’t really know.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mercyme guitarist Barry Graul is feeling the pressure. He posted a picture of two vultures perched high in a tree watching him cycle by and added: I feel their gaze. Sometimes I think they are waiting for me to be roadkill.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE7F_pGLuM2/

 

Casting Crowns Chris Huffman posted this week: So I have a serious question. He went on to ask for your preference…Mt. Dew Baja Blast or Mt. Dew Pitch Black? Chris is calling it Dewcision 2016.

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo is preparing for summer. He posted: The above normal temperatures here in Georgia are causing me to shed my Winter beard to make way for the Summer beard.

 

Jamie Grace was talking hair this week. She posted: my hair is natural, but it’s not naturally curly. If I want curls I have to go through days of braids, twist or product which I’ve been experimenting with for a few weeks! Any straight hair girls out there with hair tips?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE4q-MtTS42/

 

The members of for King and Country got a taste of how the other half lives this weekend. They flew in a private jet so they could make it to their show in Florida on time. However, the members of the band say they may need a little help with knowing how deal with the finer things of life. They recording a video after landing and admitted that they didn’t know how to handle themselves.

https://t.co/bna0Rl2jn7

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard had some much needed help at an event in Texas over the weekend. He posted: My voice hurt tonight but it didn’t matter because 7000 Texans sang with me.

 

For King and Country members Joel and Luke are switching hats. This week they are taking off their musician hat and putting on their filmmaker hat instead. The two are presenting their new film Priceless at the Bentonville Film Festival in Bentonville, Arkansas this week. Priceless The Movie is scheduled to release this fall.

http://twitter.com/PricelessMovie/status/727578012003274752/photo/1

 

Just in time for Mother’s Day, one of the industry’s best storytellers and a mother herself – Nichole Nordeman – has released the music video for “Slow Down.” According to Merge PR, the music video, which features home footage of Nichole’s family as well as from some of her close friends and their families, has struck a chord with viewers around the world. In fact, it is the top trending entertainment piece on facebook. Already the video has received 10 million views.

https://www.facebook.com/nicholenordeman/videos/1040640599336717/?fref=nf

 

More speculation about the future of DC Talk. According to New Release Today, a picture was posted on the official DC Talk facebook account that simply included the word 2017. Nothing else was posted with the picture but it did come from the verified account and it was liked by Kevin Max. It’s not much but it is enough to spark immediate and passionate fan speculation as to what this could mean.

 

Paul Baloche announced this week: “It’s a girl”. The worship leader announced that ‘Claire Elizabeth’ way born on May 1st. He added: Thanking God for a healthy baby… https://www.instagram.com/p/BE6qPUQjxle/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The hit Broadway musical “Hamilton” has scored 16 Tony nominations.  ***You now officially have a better chance of landing a role in the musical than landing tickets to the show.

 

High school senior Chloe Raynaud, who’s heading to Oregon State in the fall, brought a cardboard cutout of Bernie Sanders to the prom as her date.  ***Most of the students thought it was Ted Cruz though, just because he was so stiff.

 

It was a big night Tuesday night in GOP presidential politics as Donald Trump won the Indiana Primary and Ted Cruz quit the race.  Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, failed to take Indiana’s Democratic primary, losing to Senator Bernie Sanders.  *** Hillary has a call in to Trump to see if she can hire the trap door builder to take care of Sanders like he took care of Carly.

 

An Ohio high school student surprised his mom by asking her to prom. Trey Potter said he wanted to show his mother how much he admires her after everything she’s been through in her life. She grew up living in 23 different foster care homes and was pregnant and homeless at 16. She never went to prom.  ***Trey was the only guy who’s date didn’t spend the entire night taking selfies and checking Instagram.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Australian doctors are now charging patients a fee of up to $43 for being just 10 minutes late for appointments. ***MARLAR: I’m totally cool with this… so long as I can take $43 off the bill for every ten minutes I’m forced to sit waiting to see the doctor.

 

It may surprise you that the word “nice” does not have a nice background!  In fact it comes from the Latin word nescius, which means ignorant. In addition to foolish and stupid, the word nice, in the English spoken in the Middle Ages, also meant wanton. By the 15th century it meant “coy.” A hundred years later it also meant “dainty.” And only in the 18th century does it finally mean agreeable.  ***MARLAR: So now you can think of someone as an idiot and simply tell them to have a nice day!

 

According to a study, guppies experience menopause just like humans and other animals.  *** But how do you get HOT FLASHES in a BOWL FULL OF 72 DEGREE WATER?

 

Many Americans refuse to believe their bathroom scales, thinking they are thinner than they actually are. A “Harris Interactive / HealthDay” survey asked participants to provide their height and weight, and pollsters calculated their body mass index (BMI), a measurement used to indicate obesity.   Those participating were then asked which weight category they fell into. According to HealthDay, 30 percent who were actually in the overweight category thought their weight was normal, while 70 percent who were obese believed they were simply overweight. And 39 percent of the morbidly obese classified themselves as being merely overweight. Experts are saying obesity may soon become the new norm.  ***MARLAR: Well, what do you know – there’s a chance I might eventually be labeled “normal” after all.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Self-Help Groups”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Philly”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was excited about being asked to draw a picture of the Rabbit Family using his brand new crayons.  Unfortunately, before he could begin the portrait, he lost every single one of his crayons through a hole in his backpack!

 

CLOSE: Swimming?  How can all of the animals think of swimming while their friend Racquet is in torment because he can’t find his crayons?  Perhaps friendship in the jungle only goes crayon-deep?  We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 07/08

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, not only were the Cheetah Sisters no longer singing three-part-harmony, but nobody was singing or playing in harmony!  Ever since Cheetah Bonita decided to go solo, everyone decided to go solo… and now there’s no more music in the jungle – it’s all just… well… NOISE!
CLOSE: Will Cheetah Bonita be able to run away from the squirrels?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

There’s trouble down south in North Platte, Nebraska.  Wedgies.

North Platte police recently received a 911 call after a neighborhood bully gave another kid a wedgie. The officer was able to calm the situation and no arrests were made. A police spokesperson said, “You might get away with that in Lincoln or Omaha, but we’re not going to allow wedgies in North Platte.”  ***MARLAR: They also said they planned to put a stop to the wedgies before they escalate into full-blown melvins.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN EMAIL SUBJECT LINES YOU DON’T WANT TO RECEIVE

  1. You have been chosen to receive alien spawn. Please report to the canteen immediately.
  2. Free Virus
  3. By the time you get this…….
  4. Please disregard previous e-mail about how sick your rich uncle is.
  5. I’m so sorry! It was an accident, I swear! I REALLY didn’t mean to!
  6. Remember me?
  7. About your test results…..
  8. The Date For Your IRS Audit Is Contained Within This Email.
  9. Interested In A Low Fixed Rate Mortgage?
  10. It’s your mother. I finally figured out how to work this thing.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Some parents will do anything for their kids – even prison time.

 

FILE #1: When Gregory W. Kasey Jr. of Maryland was accused of violating the terms of his probation, his father, also named Gregory W. Kasey Jr., took the rap and got a four- year prison term. It wasn’t that big a deal, really: the elder Kasey was already serving 20 years for assault with intent to murder. When the judge discovered the mix-up, he had the younger Kasey brought in and taken to jail. Asked what he thought of his father’s action, he said “It showed me he still cares.”

 

FILE #2: While waiting to get their licenses renewed at the Department of Motor Vehicles, two California teen boys became fast friends with the man standing in front of them and asked him to drive them somewhere once they were all finished at the DMV. But before the man could go anywhere with them, the two boys pushed him out of the vehicle and stole his car. Of course it didn’t take police long to track down the two thieves, considering the DMV had fresh new photos and their current addresses from their license renewals.

 

FILE #3: Richard Fracasso is a blind snack bar vendor at the state courthouse in Rhode Island. A clerk at the courthouse handed him a dollar bill and told him it was a 20. Richard ran it through a scanner which alerted him to the discrepancy, and then he called security. The clerk has been arrested and fired.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his or her child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Distributing bibles is a good thing – but it depends on how you do it.

John W. Hill of High View, West Virginia, was arrested near St. Louis after sheriff’s deputies had stopped to investigate why he was parked alongside I-70. He was shirtless, wearing an Indian vest, cargo pants and combat boots.  He had several loaded pistols, an assault rifle, a two-shot Derringer, two long rifles, a serious Bowie knife, 400 rounds of ammunition and various drugs. He said only that he was headed to South Dakota to “Indian country” to deliver supplies and a sack full of Bibles to the Native American children, and that he was armed because the West is “dangerous.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

When she was a teenager, my wife’s mother tossed out all of her favorite music albums.  When I was in my 20s my mom got rid of my comic books thinking I didn’t want them anymore.  What did your folks throw away that you wish you still had?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who ruled Israel after Omri?

ANSWER: Ahab (2 Kings 16:28)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How often does the epidermis, the outer layer of our skin, replace itself? 

ANSWER: About once every 4 weeks

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In Canada, the nation’s currency is referred to as “CAD” on the foreign exchange. (True)

 

  1. Tropical cyclones with winds of 150mph or more are called “hurricanes”. (False, the winds only have to be 75mph)

 

  1. Tiger was the family sheepdog in the TV sitcom The Patty Duke Show and on the TV show the “A-Team”. (False, not the “A-Team” but “The Brady Bunch”)

 

  1. While president, Lyndon B. Johnson’s pets, who he affectionately referred to as “Him” and “Her” were Poodles. (False, they were Beagles)

 

  1. Before the 1997-98 season, the NBA’s Washington Wizards were known as the “Washington Rebels”. (False, they used to be called “The Bullets”)

 

  1. Elvis Presley gave his custom Convair 880 jet the name, “Mamma.” (False, he called it The Lisa Marie)

 

  1. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by Doris Day. (False, Mary Martin)

 

  1. Terry Bollea certainly had his 15 minutes of fame in the 1980s, and still getting some. He’s also known as “The Giant” on WWE. (False, Hulk Hogan)

 

  1. Now known for his suspenders, in 1957, Lawrence Harvey Zeiger is actually Larry King. (True)

 

  1. Zsa-Zsa Gabor slapped Paul Kramer’s face on June 14, 1989, after he pulled over her Rolls-Royce Corniche for having expired plates. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIENS VISIT ________ (NASA)

Aliens have visited space shuttle Enterprise, and left evidence behind to prove it.

As NASA officials stationed at JFK were preparing the prototype shuttle for its final home at Manhattan’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, they discovered what they are calling “foreign material” on board. Engineers and NASA officials were unwilling to go record, but sources confirm that the material is of an extraterrestrial nature.

A security guard at the JFK hangar where Enterprise is being stored explained the scene as the NASA crew made its discovery. “They had on HAZMAT suits and were bringing out all these high-tech Ziploc bags with stuff in them. I saw some moss-looking stuff come out, and some metal tool-looking pieces. They were all complaining about the smell. Apparently, whatever was in there left a mess. The scientist was like, maybe they were trying to catch a ride home or something. But you know, they picked the wrong shuttle.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, “You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing.”

“Thank you,” the visiting preacher replied.

“Yes,” she continued. “You did it in fifteen minutes.”

 

JOKE #2

A group of leading scientists had done huge amounts of research in chemical analysis, and bio-chemistry. After many years of toil, they confronted the Lord about his “Creation” process.
“We have studied and analyzed and learned, and have found that we can create life, the same as You did.” said the scientists to Lord.
“You can?” asked the Lord.
“Yes. We can create living forms, the same way You did. And faster too. And we’ll prove it.” The Lord
replied, “Ok, prove it.” So one of the scientists reached down and grabbed up a handful of dirt to put into a dish.
“Uh uh uhhh” said the Lord.
“What?” asked the scientists.
“Get your OWN dirt!”

 

JOKE #3

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert. “I thought it was tough at first…. then I thought of ‘Superintendent.’”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said. “But I wrote down ‘Horticulturist.’”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracuz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as… Sinko de Mayo. (Okay, so it’s not an actual fact – hey, this is entertainment!)

 

A study by Dr. Richard S. Cimbalo says walking at the mall is a better way to burn calories than walking outside. Cimbalo claims women naturally walk faster in a mall and burn more calories. The professor of psychology at Daeman College in New York says malls are familiar and a safe places, which helps women get a better workout. Malls offer security, a well-lit path, bathrooms, water fountains and telephones. Plus he says many malls have organized walking groups to keep you motivated. ***MARLAR: Another reason you’ll lose weight is because the compulsive shopping you do while mall walking will leave you with no money leftover to buy ice cream.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

HOW BAD?

My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she’s the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day.
“No, not there,” she directed. “Scroll down.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

LATE TO JOB INTERVIEW FOR A GOOD REASON

Shelly Klug knows that it’s extremely important to be on time for an interview. . . but she thinks she had a good excuse for being late to hers.

She was busy saving somebody’s life! Shelly was on her way to an interview for an emergency room job when she saw a woman’s car crash into a pickup truck. Shelly grabbed her medical kit, crawled inside the car, stabilized the woman’s neck and kept her air passage open until emergency crews could arrive. But get this – a spokesman for the hospital says it’s too early to say whether Shelly will get the E.R. job!  ***MARLAR: Are they worried she’s not qualified?!?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THERE WILL BE PRAYER IN SCHOOL!
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits for my grade’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations, And I shall not have to dwell at this school forever, Amen!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

YIELDING CONTROL

Read: Romans 8:1-11

To be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. —Romans 8:6

During a visit with a friend suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease, I asked what lessons God was teaching her as she traveled down this difficult road. Her immediate response was, “Loss of control.”

She had always been a highly organized, independent person whose corporate job involved long hours and frequent travel. Now she had to depend on others for everything from getting dressed to brushing her teeth. Unable to move her arms or legs, she had control over only what she thought and what she said. She knew that soon she would even lose her power of speech. “I used to stress over my job,” she said, “and never really gave it to the Lord. Now, with almost all control gone, I can stress about [my physical limitation] or surrender it to Christ.”

The question facing each of us is, “Will I retain control of my life or yield it to the Lord today?” To live only for what I want is to be controlled by the sinful nature. Paul said that this leads to death, “but to be spiritually minded is life and peace” (Romans 8:6).

To one degree or another, we will all lose control of our lives as we grow older. Yielding control to God is a choice we can make every day—starting today. —David McCasland

 

Although I may not understand
The path You’ve laid for me,
Complete surrender to Your will—
Lord, this my prayer shall be. —Sherbert

 

True freedom comes not from choosing our way, but from yielding to God’s way.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

PENMANSHIP FOR PHD’S
If you have ever had a difficult time reading your doctor’s handwriting, help is on the way for your physician.

Dr. Paul Hackmeyer, Chief of Medical Staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, has begun a course to teach doctors how to write quickly and legibly. Two handwriting experts from Oregon will hold a one-day course at the hospital on cursive writing. Better handwriting will help everyone, Hackmeyer says. Not only the patient, but the nurses and secretaries who have to field phone calls and questions from pharmacists trying to decipher the doctor’s writing. It could also save lives. Studies have shown that medication error accounts for more than 7,000 deaths a year. One woman won a lawsuit because her husband died taking the wrong medication because of a doctor’s illegible handwriting on a prescription.   ***MARLAR: If you can’t read your doctor’s handwriting, how can you expect the pharmacist to? I’ve never had a pharmacist tell me they couldn’t read my doctor’s handwriting… so are they just “guessing” at what the prescription says?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do you ever find yourself saying that there aren’t enough hours in the day?  What if I could show you how to get a half hour of extra time each day? 

Time management expert Dr. George Labovitz says you can get an extra half hour out of your day just by following some easy tips.

  • Throw out junk mail without even opening it. If you take two or three minutes to read a piece of mail that you’re just going to throw out anyway, you can save five minutes just by discarding two pieces of mail unopened. The more that goes in the trash, the more time you save.
  • Make all your phone calls at the same time. Keep a list of phone calls you have to make. Before you sit down to make them, look up all the numbers you’ll need. Also write down what you need to find out on each call. If you try to rely on memory, you may end up making a second call.
  • Run all your errands in one trip. If you pick up your children at school, for example, stop at the post office and grocery store on the same trip. By making one trip instead of four you save a great deal of time.
  • Keep a grocery list of things you need around the house. Every time you run out of something, write it down. It’s the easiest way to save you from making unnecessary trips to the market.
  • Schedule your least interesting tasks for your peak energy periods. Everyone has tasks they don’t like, such as cleaning the house or mowing the lawn. If you do these tasks when you’re tired, you’re more likely to take longer than they might otherwise require. At times of peak energy you’ll be most efficient and get the work done faster.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

PRACTICAL WAYS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE MAYO AT THE OFFICE

  • Sleep at your desk all day. Inform coworkers you are celebrating with a traditional Mexican siesta.
  • Take your coworkers to Taco Bell for lunch.
  • Constantly refer to your boss as “Los Grande Burrito”.
  • Fashion a sombrero from manila folders and wear it all day.
  • Every time you see a salesperson make a sale, shout out in your best soccer announcer voice, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!”
  • Use the intern in the mailroom as a Piñata and beat him with a stick until candy falls from his pockets.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS NOT TO DO ON CINCO DE MAYO

  • Speaking Spanish all day with an Irish accent
  • Spiking the company coffee with hot sauce
  • Going door to door in your neighborhood, collecting salsa for the needy
  • Showing up at a party dressed as a piñata
  • Serving Chihuahua for dinner

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

INTERNET COURTROOM

The physical courtroom may be a thing of the past, if Virginia’s College of William and Mary has its way. Its “Courtroom 21” project predicts that virtual courtrooms will be the future, with holographic Internet video conferencing used to bring together judges, jurors, witnesses and defendants, rather than transporting everyone to the same room. So, in other words, it’s “Cyber court.” ***MARLAR: Sure enough, you’ll be on-line for bankruptcy cyber-court, please not guilty by hitting “Enter” and then get a window popping up offering you a guaranteed low interest loan.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Controversy over a Ten Commandments monument removed from the grounds of the state Capitol in October continues with an effort to reinstate the monument. According to Christian Headlines, the Oklahoma House of Representatives voted 65-7 in favor of a statewide vote to determine whether to remove an article of the state constitution which prohibits the use of state funds to support religion. Oklahoma voters will now have the opportunity in November to vote on whether the constitutional section prohibiting the use of state funds for religion should be removed. If the voters decide to abolish the constitutional mandate, it will pave the way for the Ten Commandments monument to be reinstated on the grounds of the Capitol.  (Which would be a great thing to see in this day and age!)

http://dlvr.it/L75RGm

 

Hundreds of Hindus who were fiercely antagonistic toward Christianity have been turning to Christ. According to a report in Christian Headlines, after the 2008 murder of a Hindu leader in eastern India, Radical Hindus spread the rumor that Christians were responsible. The Hindu radicals went on a rampage, destroying 300 churches and 6,000 homes, and displacing at least 50,000 people for months. Recently, however, there are reports that those very jungles where many Christians died are becoming places where many Hindus are encountering the Lord. Thousands are gathering in the jungle camps in Kandhamal District to hear the living Word of God.

http://dlvr.it/L6kMRc

 

Questions that were asked at Apple job interviews”

“Who is your best friend?”

“If you have 2 eggs, and you want to figure out what’s the highest floor from which you can drop the egg without breaking it, how would you do it?

“A man calls in and has an older computer that is essentially a brick. What do you do?”

“What are your failures, and how have you learned from them?”

“Have you ever disagreed with a manager’s decision, and how did you approach the disagreement?

See all 33 of the questions here: http://ti.me/22UeHSQ

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

At the end of every show I gather up all the adlibs and jokes I didn’t use–and I mail them to a needy disc jockey in a third world country.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 29, 2016…

 

Mother’s Day—Garry Marshall gathers quite a cast here and directs them in a comedy about relationships. The stars include Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Jason Sudeikis, Timothy Olyphant and Jon Lovitz. “Mother’s Day” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Rachet & Clank—a 3D, animated film adapted from the game series.  The film has the duo meeting for the first time and how they want to save the Soiana Galaxy from the bad guys. Voices are Rachet (James Arnold Taylor), Clank (David Kay), Paul Giamatti (Chairman Drek), and Sylvester Stallone as Victor Von Ion, a bad guy. “Rachet & Clank” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Keanu—This is a comedy about two guys looking for their lost cat, Keanu. It seems as though the cat can really get into trouble.  Stars include Keegan Michael Key, Peele, Method Man, Nia Long and Will Forte. “Keanu” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

MAY 06, 2016…

 

Captain America: Civil War has just about anyone in Hollywood who can hold a shield in the cast. Stars Chris Evans as Captain America and Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man.

 

Going in Style has Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine, in their later years, planning a robbery.

 

Dark Horse (opening in select cities) is based on a true story of a chess player who is bi-polar. Stars Cliff Curtis.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.