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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE
CLICK HERE FOR A PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150506
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
We regret to inform you that because of a humor shortage we must ration the laughs. If you live at an odd-numbered address you can laugh at my jokes today. But if you live at an even-numbered address, you must wait until tomorrow to laugh at my jokes. No matter how hilarious you think I am.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” — Colossians 3:13
The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. — Luke 19:10
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
How can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” — Romans 10:15
Thought: How beautiful are your feet? People with beautiful feet are either “sending folks” or they are “going folks” who share the good news of salvation in Jesus Christ. Which are you? If we’re not one of those two options, we’re Christians with ugly feet. Now nobody would want that to be said of him or her? So let’s make a partnership agreement with other believers by either going and asking for their support and help, or by helping and supporting others while they are going!
Prayer: Almighty God of the nations, I know it pains your heart to see so many people in our world today that do not even know the name of your Son, much less trust in him as their Lord. Through your Holy Spirit, stir in us the desire to have beautiful feet just like our brothers and sisters had in those early chapters of the book of Acts. May the Gospel spread in our day as it did in theirs! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Matthew 5:6 NIV = Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 06, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 234 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NO HOMEWORK DAY, a day for teachers not to assign homework for tonight.
Today is NO DIET DAY, a day to stop dieting and stop dangerous weight-loss attempts. ***MARLAR: Known in my house as “Wednesday.”
This is BE KIND TO ANIMALS WEEK. ***MARLAR: I plan on being kind to our cat by giving it a bath. As often as it gives itself a bath, I figure I’ll be doing it a favor.
This is NATIONAL SELF-HELP BOOK WEEK. ***MARLAR: But don’t go to the bookstore and ask where the self-help section is. That totally defeats the purpose.
This is NATIONAL NURSES WEEK. ***MARLAR: Doesn’t this go against the concept of self-help?
This is DETECT-A-LEAK WEEK. ***MARLAR: I’m not a plumber. So detecting a leak, even though I could probably do it, is not my job. However, I have noticed a big drip in the boss’ office…
This is GREAT LAKES AWARENESS DAY. ***MARLAR: The Great Lakes are the size of small oceans; how can people NOT be aware of them? Are people driving around Illinois or Michigan and suddenly surprised at finding themselves under water?
You may notice a little less talking today on the show. That’s because it’s CLEAN AIR WEEK, and they’ve asked me not to smog it up by telling lame jokes. Oops. Too late.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Great American Grump Out
Joseph Brackett Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, MAY 07
National Day of Reason (the atheists’ response to National Day of Prayer)
FRIDAY, MAY 08
No Socks Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross Day (Red Crescent Day)
Fintastic Friday Giving Shars a Voice
SATURDAY, MAY 09
Birthmother’s Day (Saturday before Mother’s Day)
International Migratory Bird Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Babysitters Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Moscato Day
National Windmill Day
Stay Up All Night
World Fair Trade Day
SUNDAY, MAY 10
World Lupus Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
MONDAY, MAY 11
Eat What You Want Day ***MARLAR: Known here as “Monday”.
Root Canal Appreciation Day ***MARLAR: Being celebrated by absolutely no one.
TUESDAY, MAY 12
National Nutty Fudge Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13
Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
ON THIS DAY
1946: The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to travel by plane.
1950: At Miyazaki race track in Japan a 72-year-old jockey rode a 14-year-old horse to a second-place finish. He had ridden the horse 140 miles to compete in the race.
1950: Elizabeth Taylor married Nicky Hilton. Liz said, “There is no doubt that Nicky is the man I want to spend my life with.”
1954: At a track meet in Oxford, England, medical student Roger Bannister became the first man to run a mile in less than four minutes (3:59.4)
1960: Britain’s Princess Margaret married photographer Anthony Armstrong-Jones, a commoner, at Westminster Abbey. They divorced in 1978.
1965: Keith Richards fell asleep while improvising with a new guitar. The next morning he couldn’t remember the riffs, but “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” had been preserved on a tape recorder.
1970: Japan’s Yuichiro Miura started at 26-thousand feet and skied down Mt. Everest. He reached speeds as high as 93.6 miles an hour.
1973: In Boston, Paul Simon began his first tour without Art Garfunkel.
1990: Dominic Cuzzacrea ran the 26.2-mile Buffalo, New York, marathon in 3 hours and 6 minutes while flipping a pancake.
1994: The flight crew of an Aeroflot jetliner with no hydraulic fluid landed their 55 passengers safely in Arkhangelsk, Russia, by pouring all the lemonade on board into the jet’s hydraulic system. ***MARLAR: Not only was the landing safe, it was also lemony fresh!
1997: A swarm of killer bees attacked a horse-drawn cart, killing the horse and seriously injuring the three passengers near Szentes, Hungary. It took firefighters wearing protective gear two hours to disperse the swarm with fire hoses to rescue the two adults and one child.
2002: Legendary songwriter Otis Blackwell died of a heart attack in Nashville at age 70. His biggest songs were “Great Balls of Fire” and “Don’t Be Cruel.”
2003: A speedy bandit blazed through Dallas during the morning rush hour, robbing nine businesses in two hours. The bandit, armed with a gun, drove a Cadillac and robbed a business every 13 minutes. Police said three of the businesses were doughnut shops. No one was injured in the robberies.
2005: Augusta, Georgia, unveiled a life-size bronze statue of singer James Brown, heralding his musical achievements.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1527: An army of barbarians who had been sent—but were no longer controlled—by Emperor Charles V sacks Rome. Many Protestants interpreted the attack as a divine rebuke, and some Catholics agreed: “We who should have been the salt of the earth decayed until we were good for nothing,” wrote Cardinal Cajetan, Luther’s adversary. “Everyone is convinced that all this has happened as a judgment of God on the great tyranny and disorders of the papal court.
1638: Dutch theologian Cornelius Jansen, who inspired a reform movement in the Roman Catholic Church, dies. Jansen opposed the teachings of the Jesuits and of Thomas Aquinas, urging the church to re-discover Augustine’s doctrine of irresistible grace. For his views on grace and predestination, the church prohibited Jansen’s teachings.
1746: Death of William Tennent. Teaching from a log-cabin, he greatly influenced the American revival movement known as the Great Awakening.
1816: The American Bible Association was organized on this date in New York (1816.
1840: Death of Father Demetrius A. Gallitzin, “Apostle of the Alleghanies.” He emigrated to the US from Russia, converted to Catholicism, studied at Baltimore Seminary and spent the bulk of his life establishing churches in the Allegheny Mountains.
1986: The first American Indian Roman Catholic bishop, Donald E. Pelotte, is ordained in Gallup, New Mexico.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (“ER,” Ocean’s Eleven, Out of Sight, Three Kings) George Clooney, 54 (audio clip)
- Actress (“Touched By An Angel”) Roma Downey, 55 (audio clip)
- game show host (“Hollywood Squares,” “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” “Dancing With The Stars”) Tom Bergeron 60 (audio clip)
- Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair 62
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1928 : Davey Johnstone (The Elton John Band)
1939 : Herbie Cox (The Cleftones)
1945 : Bob Seger
1948 : Mary MacGregor
1950 : Robbie McIntosh (Average White Band)
1960 : John Flansburgh (They Might Be Giants)
1964 : Tony Scalzo (Fastball)
1967 : Mark Bryan (Hootie & the Blowfish)
1971 : Chris Shiflett (Foo Fighters)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do tennis balls feel fuzzy?
Because there is fuzz on them. (Thank you, goodnight!) Okay, actually tennis balls are fuzzy for two reasons. The fuzz is there, for one thing, to slow it down. You might find that hard to believe had you ever had to receive a cannonball serve from Anna Kournikova, but there you are. It helps play to continue longer by increasing wind resistance and preventing the ball from leaving the stadium on one bounce. The fuzz also increases racket control by holding the ball against the strings for just a fraction of a second longer than would happen with a smooth ball. As for me, I don’t know anything about tennis. As for fuzzy stuff, all I know is that fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, but fuzzy wuzzy had no hair so fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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A thought from Crowder: It is far better to have ninjas and not need them than to need ninjas and not have them.
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer recently tweeted: so I’m pretty sure I’ve made a great career choice. The band’s guitarist clarified that it was 5pm and: I still haven’t bothered with real shoes today.
Jeremy Camp said he may need to rethink his set list. He tweeted a picture of his son fast asleep on the floor and said: This is how excited my boy was listening to my concert.
When Britt Nicole was 18 and still living in North Carolina she went to a TobyMac concert with her youth group wearing an orange turtleneck and asked Toby if she could take a picture with him. Britt posted the picture this week and said that, when she took the pic she had no idea that several years later she would be going on tour with him. But that’s exactly what is going to happen. Tobymac announced this week that Britt Nicole will be joining him this fall for his This is Not a Test Tour. In response Britt shared: I’m honored that I get to share the stage with you. I admire you as a person and an artist and I’m so excited for this fall. https://instagram.com/p/2RhuQ7ASY6/
The members of the Newsboys say a girl named Sara is the winner of their “who traveled further to see Newsboys play” award. She flew all the way from Italy to Myrtle Beach just to see the band in concert.
Natalie Grant wasn’t sure she was going to make it on stage at one recent event because she was having to much fun in the dressing room making ridiculous videos. One video gives a little taste of what Natalie would look like on a very, very bad allergy day. https://www.facebook.com/nataliegrantmusic/videos/10153272665345421/
MercyMe was back in the studio this week. They are continuing to work on their new Christmas CD. Drummer Robby Shaffer tweeted a picture of his drums with the caption: my home for the next 4 days.
Jamie Grace would like to write a letter of appreciation to the members of your family who are currently serving in the military. The young adults group that she leads at her home church in Georgia every Tuesday evening will be writing letters to those in the military during their gathering tonight. Jamie asked that you send your loved one’s address in a direct message from the Retro Tuesday Facebook page. https://t.co/22JTMLWAAI
Aaron Shust is experiencing a bit of history every time he gets his haircut. Nancy and her son Roman own the Barber Shop that Aaron has used ever since he was in high school. And Nancy, the owner, actually went to school with Aaron’s father. Aaron says both his father and his sons joined him at the barbershop earlier this week and his dad and Nancy had a lot of catching up to do. He said they picked up the conversation like their high school days were just yesterday.
It might be the beginning of the next Jamie Grace song; she tweeted this week:
people say I’m strange…
does it make me a stranger?
my best friend was born in a manger..
WEIRD & WACKY
|Woman seeking man she kissed at marathon hears from his wife photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Tennessee woman searching for the stranger she kissed while running the Boston Marathon this year says she finally heard back — from the mystery man’s wife. Barbara Tatge says her daughter had dared her to kiss a random, good-looking man as she ran through the town of…
|Italian astronaut brews, sips first fresh espresso in space photo
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — The first Italian woman in space is now the world’s first orbiting barista. Over the weekend, astronaut Samantha Cristoforetti fired up the first espresso machine in space. She posted a photo of herself on Twitter from the International Space Station on Sunday,…
|Joyful noise or unholy din? New church ‘bells’ mean discord photo
BURLINGTON, Vt. (AP) — The sound system next door is making it hard for Olga Lopatina to love thy neighbor: Christ the King church. Since last summer, the church has been broadcasting the sounds of bells and hymns to its Burlington neighborhood, a joyful noise unto the Lord that some here…
|Thinking it’s a joke, man hangs up on pope; gets papal hug photo
VATICAN CITY (AP) — Hang up on Pope Francis and you might get a hug. Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano says earlier this week, Francis dialed an ailing Italian man to comfort him. Francis has a habit of calling people who he has heard are suffering and telling them “Hello, I’m Pope…
|California officer in hot water over ice bucket video
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A California officer faces insurance fraud charges after authorities say a video showed her participating in an ice-bucket challenge despite claiming she had a back injury. Los Angeles County prosecutors say a video posted online in July showed Pasadena police officer Jaime…
|Bag carrying $63K in moldy bills found at Pennsylvania park
HOWARD, Pa. (AP) — A plastic bag containing $63,000 in moldy bills has been found at a Pennsylvania state park. Police say the discovery was made Saturday by a park visitor in Bald Eagle State Park. That’s about 90 miles northwest of the capital, Harrisburg. Police say paperwork found near…
|Giant billowing aerial sculpture installed over Boston park photo
BOSTON (AP) — A giant aerial sculpture is floating over a park in Boston’s Financial District, bringing a shimmer of spring where snowplow piles towered just weeks ago. Early Sunday, dozens of workers closed nearby streets and set to work installing the 600-foot work by artist Janet Echelman,…
|Mother duck, brood waddle through school on trek to new home photo
BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) — A mother duck and her brood got a brief tour of a Montana middle school as teachers and students herded them from their courtyard nest to a nearby creek. It’s a tradition for Tracy Larsen, who teaches family consumer sciences at Lewis and Clark Middle School in…
|2-headed calf born on farm in northern Florida
MACCLENNY, Fla. (AP) — A two-headed calf was recently born on a farm in northern Florida. Multiple news sources report the calf was born Sunday in Baker County. Dwight Crews, the owner of the farm says he hadn’t seen one born in his more than 60 years of raising cattle. Crews says the female…
|Christie ally, not Kirstie Alley, pleads guilty
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — No, Kirstie Alley is not involved with politically motivated lane closures in New Jersey. The actress became a trending topic throughout the U.S. on Twitter on Friday after jokes and confusion from people reading the phrase “Christie ally” in headlines. David Wildstein is…
|Correction: Dog Poo Problems story
ASPEN, Colo. (AP) — In a story May 1 about dog waste problems, The Associated Press, relying on a report by The Aspen Times, reported erroneously the amount of dog waste collected by volunteers. It was 100 pounds, not 600 pounds. A corrected version of the story is below: Aspen’s Smuggler…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Polish doctors perform rare throat-area transplant
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — Polish surgeons said Monday they have successfully performed a rare and extensive transplant of the throat area. Dr. Adam Maciejewski said the 37-year-old patient suffered from advanced cancer of the voice box, making it impossible for him to breathe, swallow and speak….
|Former US leader Clinton praises Liberia progress on Ebola photo
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — Former President Bill Clinton said Monday he was pleased to see Liberia’s progress in the fight against the deadly Ebola disease, and urged residents of the West African nation to support those who survived. Clinton spoke during a visit to Liberia while on a nine-day…
|Study: Trace amount of drilling fluid found in water well
Toxic fluids used in drilling and hydraulic fracturing likely escaped an unlined borehole and migrated thousands of feet into a residential drinking-water supply in Pennsylvania, according to a study published Monday. At least three water wells in Bradford County, located in the heart of the…
|Reunited mother, daughter seeking court records photo
ST. LOUIS (AP) — A woman who recently reunited with her 49-year-old daughter filed a petition Monday seeking court files and adoption records that might shed light on what exactly happened in 1965 at Homer G. Phillips Hospital in St. Louis, where the mother says she was told her newborn baby…
|Medicare data show contrast in generic, brand prescribing photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The most-used medicines in Medicare’s prescription drug program are generics, but the program spends the most on brand-name drugs, led by the heartburn treatment Nexium, according to an unprecedented release of government data on Thursday. That contrast sheds light on…
|Report: 5 months after infection, man spreads Ebola via sex photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Health officials now think Ebola survivors can spread the disease through unprotected sex nearly twice as long as previously believed. Scientists thought the Ebola virus could remain in semen for about three months. But a recent case in West Africa suggests infection through…
|Dr. Oz’s ‘The Daily Dose’ switches radio distributors photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Dr. Mehmet Oz’s radio show, “The Daily Dose with Dr. Oz,” is getting a new home. Oz struck a deal with iHeartMedia that will begin later this year, according to a release this week from Oz and the Texas-based company. It will involve more projects than “The Daily Dose,” but…
|House rejects bid to let VA docs give advice on medical pot
WASHINGTON (AP) — The GOP-controlled House Thursday barely rejected a bid by supporters of medical marijuana to permit veterans to receive information about the drug from their government doctors. The 213-210 vote came on a failed amendment to a bill funding the budget for the Department of…
|Texas takes aim at telemedicine care for patients
DALLAS (AP) — The state of Texas and telemedicine advocates are in a legal tussle over patients who receive doctor consultations through video. The state’s medical board has implemented rules scheduled to take effect in June that place restrictions on the practice, drawing a rebuke from those…
|Hungary vows to start moving toxic waste from chemical plant photo
BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) — Some 1,000 barrels of toxic waste will be removed quickly from a defunct chemical company plant in Budapest, a Hungarian official said Thursday after Greenpeace described conditions at the site as “near catastrophic.” Reversing earlier official comments that it would…
|GOP divided as Supreme Court ruling on health care law nears photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Ron Johnson was elected to Congress in 2010 as an adamant foe of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul. Yet facing a Supreme Court decision that could disrupt how that law functions, the Wisconsin Republican is among many in the GOP who want Congress to react…
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Medical research from leading hospitals and universities across the U.S. has shown conclusively a belief in God really IS good for you, making you healthier and happier, and helping you live longer. According to the Huffington Post, Duke University’s Harold G. Koenig, M.D. say “Studies have shown prayer can prevent people from getting sick — and when they do get sick, prayer can help them get better faster.” After an exhaustive analysis of more than 1,500 reputable medical studies, Dr. Koenig found that the studies “indicates people who are more religious and pray more have better mental and physical health.” ***MARLAR: On the reverse, people who are anti-religious seem to get sick at people even talking about God – but that’s likely a personality problem.
Police say someone who attempted to steal a truck parked outside a Des Moines home instead took a bag of dog poop. The Des Moines Police Department responded to a report of an attempted burglary this week. Upon arrival, a man told police someone broke into the driver’s side door of his truck sometime last month. According to a police report, the person who tried to steal the truck checked the bed of the vehicle and grabbed what turned out to be “a bag of dog feces.” The “Des Moines Register” reports that the dog poop has been valued at one dollar. ***MARLAR: Dog poop is worth a dollar? Do you turn it in with used bottles?
Researchers who set out to determine if the adage “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is actually true have found it a bit more complicated. According to Time, the study concluded that people who consumed apples daily were not less likely to stay overnight at a hospital or visit a mental health professional, but they were likely to use fewer prescription medications. ***MARLAR: Sadly, those same people were also more susceptible to biting into poison apples given to them by evil queens jealous of their beauty.
Fire departments in Williams County, Ohio, responded to a fire at a fire station on Sunday. Three fire departments responded to the fire at the fire station. There were no injuries. *** But there was an overabundance of irony.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
As many as 75 percent of American children consume caffeine daily, which is leading to sleep problems among the biggest consumers of caffeine, according to a study published in the Journal of Pediatrics. The research, carried out by doctors at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, found that children between eight and 12 consume an average of 109 milligrams of caffeine a day, which is the equivalent of about three cans of caffeinated soda. Lead researcher, William Warzak, said the intake of caffeine appears to interfere with children’s sleep, with sleep disruptions increasing as kids consume more caffeine. ***MARLAR: But if caffeine keeps kids awake, why are we banning soda machines in schools? Isn’t that the one place we WANT kids to be alert?
Trying to come up with some bright ideas for your next home project? Then get rid of your lampshades. According to a study, illuminating a room with a single un-shaded light bulb greatly boosts your problem solving skills. ***MARLAR: It’s also convenient; you can hold it over your head whenever you need a bright idea.
A town that doesn’t exist has shown up on Google maps, and neither locals, Google nor their map data provider have any idea how it happened. No one can explain why “Argleton” appears on the map as a town in Lancashire, where locals say there should just be green, empty fields. Despite the fact that Argleton doesn’t exist, an Internet search lists homes, jobs, services and business in the area. The businesses, people and services are real, the story said, but are located in the same ZIP code as the “ghost town.” ***MARLAR: M. Night Shyamalan was unavailable for comment.
A study found that reconnecting with your sweetie boils down to two words… ROAD TRIP. A whopping 84% of couples say taking a simple road trip strengthened their relationship. That’s quality time… just you and your sweetie. Sixty-three percent say they hold hands or share a kiss at a red lights. It’s also a good time to talk about something important. ***MARLAR: Sounds pretty risky to me. Sure, 84% say it strengthened their relationship – but that means 16% wanted to kill each other. Can you really risk that?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Nations In Debt”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Pink and Cuddly”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Racquet the Skunk made a defective badminton racquet and sold it to Gruffy Bear. Gruffy gave that same racquet as a gift to Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, without Racquet knowing. Rita gave the racquet to her friend Stinky – and it broke immediately! And now Rita is under arrest for sabotaging a badminton racquet!
CLOSE: This just keeps getting worse! Not only is Rita in jail for something she didn’t do, but now so is Gruffy… and the one that really should be in jail is Racquet for purposely making defective badminton racquets to begin with – all to try and get rich off of his friends. Tune in for more of our story next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 09/10, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!
CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
In the Netherlands, the Bruintjes family thought it would be cute to get one of those doorbells that barks like a dog when someone presses the button.
In fact, their doorbell plays 15 different barking noises and it’s apparently pretty convincing. After pressing the doorbell and hearing the barks, a city inspector slipped a $97 Dutch dog tax bill into their mail slot. It was the second year in a row the family had a run-in with authorities over their doorbell and they reportedly had a difficult time convincing the city that they had no dog last year. The Moment of Duh? NOT getting rid of the doggie-doorbell before this happened to them a second time.
TOP 10 QUOTES FROM T-SHIRTS
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- My IQ test score is back and the results were negative.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- That’s it! I’m calling Nana! (seen on an 8 year old)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Sometimes it’s just better to pay what you owe.
FILE #1: In Port St. Lucie, Florida, the police responded to a call from a woman who said her landlord had thrown a porcelain bowl at her face. She said she wanted to pursue criminal charges against the man, but she refused medical treatment and the cops couldn’t see any injuries. They explained to her the consequences of giving false statements to police and she declined to file a report. But six hours later, she showed up at the police station with a large bruise on her face, ready to make the report. The officer on duty thought the bruise looked more like a smudge, possibly drawn on her face. He told her to take a tissue and wipe her face. When she did, the bruise disappeared. She admitted that she had applied mascara to make the mark, because she was mad at her landlord for demanding that she pay the rent. She was arrested and charged with making a false police report.
FILE #2: Two teens are under arrest after a click of the computer mouse led police right to them. The two allegedly burglarized a home in Mundelein, Illinois. Then, they created a Web site and posted pictures of their ill-gotten goods in an attempt to sell them. Police, operating on a tip, visited the site and showed it to the burglary victim who then identified his stuff: $20,000 worth of electronics and computer equipment. Police knew how to find the alleged burglars because they posted their contact information on the Web site.
FILE #3: If you fall asleep working, most of the time you’ll get in trouble or maybe even fired. A man “working” in Madrid got arrested after he fell asleep on the job. His job was stealing. The burglar broke into a medical clinic with a couple of buzz saws and was in the process of breaking open up a large locked metal box, when he spied a nice cushioned ergonomic chair. Before finishing up the job, he thought he’d test out the chair. The chair was so comfortable, however, that he fell asleep and awoke the next morning to the sound of the police coming to arrest him. Instead of spending money on a burglar alarm, I’m installing a really comfortable chair in my house.
STRANGE LAW: It is required by Kentucky law that you must bathe (either by shower or bath) no less than once a year.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A man is arrested for taking the bus?
Henry Johnson really should have walked to his destination… but instead, he decided to take Buffalo Rapid Transit, which would have been fine except that he demanded a free ride. The driver disagreed and called the transit police who arrived and charged Henry with theft of service. And to make matters worse, he gave the cops a fake name so he was also charged with false impersonation. And they weren’t done yet. Once cops found out who he really was, they discovered he was wanted on arson and criminal mischief charges. Oh, and did I mention that in checking his possessions they also found a stolen supermarket card, gas card and library card? One more thing, he also had five bags of crack cocaine in his pockets. He got a free ride after all, to the jail.
What kind of odd things did you do as a kid? Did you try to break your arm because you thought casts were cool? Did you try to hold your breath thinking you could knock yourself out? Did you actually try to fly by jumping off the roof, or really baked a real mud pie to see what it would taste like? What dumb things did you do growing up that you look back on and think are totally insane?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
ANSWER: Psalm 119 (It has 176 verses)
QUESTION: What happens when you heat a diamond to 1,405 degrees Fahrenheit?
ANSWER: It will completely “vanish” forever… it won’t even leave any ash behind.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Captain Nemo is a key figure in the novel, “Red October” (False, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea”)
- A garland of yellow Black – Eyed Susan wild flowers is draped on the thoroughbred that wins Preakness Stakes. (True)
- Superman borrowed his theme song from “Les Preludes” by Franz Liszt. (False, Flash Gordon borrowed it)
- Almost all telephone numbers in movies and TV shows start with the same three digits. And they are 413. (False, 555)
- The banana is the most widely grown fruit crop. (True)
- In 1912 Alaska officially became a U.S. territory but didn’t become a state until 1959. (True)
- Only 3 female artists performed solo at Woodstock. (True: Joan Baez, Janis Joplin and Melanie)
- 4500 lives were lost on the Titanic. (False, 1513)
- Enola Gay was the name of the B-29 that dropped a bomb on Hiroshima. (True)
- Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested and jailed for demanding service at a white-only restaurant in St. Augustine, Florida. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TELEVISION FOR _______ (DOGS)
DOGTV is a new breed of programming – an on-demand cable TV channel designed to keep your dog relaxed, stimulated and entertained.
Two months after it debuted on local networks in California, the canine cable channel has now launched online and is headed for national distribution, according to the channel’s executives. Known as DOGTV, the channel “offers a promise to our beloved best friends that they should never again feel alone.”
The advertising-free programming is aimed at stay-at-home dogs whose out-to-work masters fret about the separation anxiety their pets suffer, and the trouble they get into, when left unattended for long stretches of time. Billed as the first channel of its kind, DOGTV made its premiere in February as a free, around-the-clock offering carried by cable and on-demand services in San Diego, reaching some 483,000 homes in California’s second-largest city.
The content is scientifically tailored for four-legged audiences, with even the sound, colors and camera angles adjusted to make them more appealing to canines according to the channel’s website.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you forever.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, and that I’ll stay with you forever. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
Two carrots were going down the street, and one of ’em got run over by a car. So, the first carrot took the other to the hospital and waited outside. After a while the doctor came out and said: ‘Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you about your friend. The good news is, he’s gonna live. The bad news is, I’m afraid he’s gonna be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
A study by Salary.com claims that if they did the same duties in the private sector, full-time, stay-at-home moms would make $134,121 a year. ***MARLAR: So if you’re a stay-at-home mom that needs cash, consider working in the private sector and hire a babysitter.
Here’s an argument for the anti-Creation crowd. According to Evolutionists, cockroaches have been on earth approximately 364 times longer than man. But if that’s true, why is it that they’ve never held an election?
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.
“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.
“I’ve already done that,” she replied. “I did it last year.”
“You have to do it every year,” she was told.
“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A 16-year-old boy in New Zealand recently went to see a man about a car.
…Seeing as how you don’t buy a car without taking a test drive, the kid took it for a spin. He apparently needed some 300 miles to decide he didn’t want the car before returning it to its owner. Here’s the strange part… police say the kid won’t be charged since the owner did not stipulate any conditions for the test drive.
My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Universe has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped.
And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!
What kind of day will you have?
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Give us help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, For it is He who shall tread down our enemies” — Psalm 60:11-12
How do you win a war? Hire mercenaries? Raise an army? Drop bigger bombs? Send in the Navy, Air Force, Marines, Rangers, Seals? Sure, all of these might work – then again they might not.
David gives us a the best way to win any war. Let God do the fighting! Have you ever known God to lose a war? Can you think of a better general to lead us into battle? The disciples thought Jesus would make a good physical King. Know why? They had seen Him multiply food — no more hunger on the battle field! They had witnessed Him healing the multitudes — lose an arm in battle? No problem. Jesus would just touch you and a new arm, fully trained in battle, would appear — back to work now.
Yet Jesus’ kingdom was to be a spiritual one. Still, God is the best to lead us into battle — even the physical ones. He knows how to win — every time. Got a problem marriage? Give it to God, He can make it right. Sick? Call upon Him. He can heal. (Don’t worry if He chooses to work on your soul instead — He knows where the real battle is.) Worried? Leave it in His hands. Tired? He will give you rest.
For any battle you may face, He has the proper strategy. He is a winner. Trust Him. Stay out of His way and let Him “tread down our enemies.”
Deodorant causes a murder!
A court in Palo Alto, California is currently hearing a case of two homeless men who fought to the death over a stick of deodorant. Ron McKean was charged in the fatal shooting of Joe Carney on Jan. 11 in a Palo Alto homeless shelter. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… the guy is being charged with a fatal shooting… so he had a gun. The guy can afford a gun and bullets, but can’t afford a stick of deodorant?!??!
LIFE… LIVE IT
HOW TO DATE ON THE CHEAP
It’s important to know how to date inexpensively – especially with rising gas prices and rising living expenses! Dating during a recession – how to save and still be romantic:
- Cook dinner together: This requires (a) a presentable apartment with a well-stocked kitchen and (b) enough trust on your date’s part to tramp up to your sixth floor walk-up on the wrong part of town. Oh, yeah, and (c) the ability to cook, since you don’t want the other person to be calling all the culinary shots.
- Take a walk in the park. Just about every woman’s online profile references “long, romantic walks in the park,” so now’s the time to call her bluff. Just be sure to schedule your stroll so it doesn’t conclude too close to dinnertime in a part of town lined with fancy clubs and restaurants.
- Go on a bike ride. This one is tricky, because it requires you to own a bike — and owning a bike is tricky, because it requires you to own a helmet, kneepads, an annoying little “get out of my way!” bell, and all sorts of other doodads. However, if you already own a bike and all the accessories, and your date does too, a long bike ride won’t cost you anything but calories.
- Rent a movie. Great line from The Simpsons’ hack actor Troy McClure: “I’ve been reading a lot of scripts lately. It’s a lot cheaper than actually going to the movies!” If you can convince your date to get over that sixth-floor-walkup thing, renting a DVD (or better yet, tuning in something on basic cable) can be a great way to stay in and still get to know one another. Just avoid anything involving Steven Seagal, giant insects, or ex-cast members of MAD TV.
- Flash a coupon. Think about it: If a restaurant really wanted you to use that 25%-off coupon, would they demand that you show it to your waiter, in full view of your date, the instant you sit down? Still, coupons can be a good way to have your dating cake and eat it too, especially if you can wave them at the maitre d’ when your gal pal isn’t looking. (You can also be honest and suggest trying a particular restaurant because you happen to have the coupon. If she commends you on your good stewardship, she might be a keeper! If she complains that you’re using a coupon, she’s not a cheap date – and she won’t be a cheap wife either!)
- Just have coffee and dessert. “It’s romantic to share your food, and women love to linger over chocolate while gazing into their date’s eyes,” says relationship coach Kathy Stafford. Of course, the tricky part about this is how one goes about scheduling a coffee-and-dessert date without actually having dinner.
- Read a book together. Go to a local bookstore and pick out a book to look at together. One idea is “5 Love Languages for Dating Couples” and then both of you take the quiz in the back of the book. Or pick up a book with lots of pictures of a dream-vacation spot you’d both like to go to. Combine this with coffee and dessert for an inexpensive date!
JUST FOR FUN
A woman has destroyed six cars… all while trying to park her own car!
I surely would not want to be the one to call this in to my insurance company. A woman on a shopping trip to Hamburg wrecked six cars while trying to park. The woman’s foot slipped as she tried to reverse into a space, and that sent her speeding back into two other cars. She hit those cars so hard that they knocked into two other cars behind them, and one car rolled into the main road and collided with yet another two cars heading down the street. The woman will have to pay the damages of the accident herself because her insurance company has refused her claim.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULD THROW AWAY THOSE LEFTOVERS
- Food is obstructed by outer layer of green fuzz
- They run away when you try to pick them up
- The cockroaches have written a tiny note that says, “All yours!”
- That have that sweet pungent, yet nauseating smell.
- The container growls at you
THE WAY WE WORK
UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.
The current season of the popular television show Survivor developed a new team theme. Cast members were recruited and divided up into the categories to match their “fit” in the workplace. The so-called white collars were used to giving the orders, blue collars taking the orders, and “no collars” claimed to be carefree spirits not fitting in with either group.
As a television show, audience had the stereotypes reinforced in the earliest episodes. The blue collar team perceived themselves as hard workers and “grunts on the ground,” willing to do whatever was necessary in the wild. The white collar team couldn’t manage to get a fire going, an essential for cleaning, cooking, and so forth. The carefree group wasn’t worried about who was in charge or when things got done. With their fire started, they preferred to take it easy. You get the picture.
Just in as in real life, misconceptions abound. White collars proved quite capable in physical challenges. Blue collars had to make hard decisions and think ahead. And the carefree world of no collars found tension and emotional baggage in struggling to play the game.
Survivor is about winning a million dollars. Strategy, power, and politics play out everywhere. As people are voted off and teams merge, new social maneuvers must be developed and new alliances created.
So what are the real differences between white collar and blue collar and no collar types? I believe much of it is centered in the power to make decisions and live a lifestyle of your preference. Thus, the real color of your collar may have a green tint: money.
As it’s commonly known, when management wants you to perform, it comes down to two things: more money and/or more power. Remove those, and you diminish perceived “collar” value as well.
Two events in sports over the past weekend provide an interesting illustration.
The NFL Draft was held in Chicago. Our city became Draft Town. In a period of three days, a large group of hard working, dirt churning, sweat generating muscle men transitioned from “blue collar” life into millionaires. While they will remain “under the thumb” of coaches and management, control over their lives made a huge leap.
The second event was the highly promoted boxing match of welterweights on Saturday night. A 38-year-old fighter, Floyd Mayweather Jr, defeated the 36-year-old Manny Pacquiao. The decision was unanimous.
Boxing is hard work. I mean REALLY hard work. The training would kill most of us. The actual fight would kill the rest. So you have to have a LOT of blue collar work ethic to win. And you have to be really good…to make a living.
The fight brought in an estimated $300 million. The Mayweather contract required him to receive 60 percent, win or lose. Let’s just say he won’t have to worry about the price of Jelly Bellies in the days ahead.
So as Mayweather takes the gloves off, do any labels come off? Is he a blue collar guy, or is he now white collar? Or no collar? He could buy his own franchise or start a thousand companies where he’s the boss. In the case of both fighters, money has given them leverage over life.
For these new NFL draftees and those boxing professionals, their success came after hard work and listening to tough taskmasters. All true athletes know success requires regimen and training, discipline and following orders. So do military men and women.
There is more to say on this topic, which I will address in my blog two weeks from now, Lord willing.
In the meantime, here is another tip from a “spiritual leadership consultant” known as Peter. He writes, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18, ESV)
Ruminate on that for a while. And then we’ll get back together for Round 2 in a couple of weeks.
Ding! There goes the bell.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Pregnant? Better save up for a new pair of shoes. A study found pregnancy permanently changes the shape and size of women’s feet. 70% of the soon-to-be-mommies ended up with longer feet — close to a half inch. Their feet also became wider and flatter. And that’s with just the first pregnancy. What happened with the second and third? Not much. The worst happens during baby No. 1.
CHANGE YOUR CHURCH
Want to create some actual change within the Church? Here are some things to not do:
- Complain. A lot.
- Keep looking until you find the perfect church.
- Avoid sharing your faith.
- Only read the Bible in church.
- Isolate yourself.
Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous! (Updated every Monday!)
TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! You’ve heard the phrase, “Take a Bite Out Of Crime”, well that’s exactly what a Boston police dog did and the man that he took the bite out of has successfully sued the dog and the police force.
…”Shadow” the police dog was only doing what he had been trained to do, he helped Patrolman Peter McClelland arrest a suspect. Jerome Jarrett fled on foot after being pulled over for driving unlicensed and uninsured. The chase ended with Shadow biting Jarrett’s right knee. Now, a jury has ordered the Yarmouth Police Department to pay $50,000 in attorney’s fees to the man because “the department has tolerated excessive force in its K-9 unit.”
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.
A teenager in Bay County has been handing out Mana bags for the past three years. Catie Byrd says she started giving the bags to people she would meet as a way to spread her beliefs. The bags include fun, useful beach items like a water bottle, a Frisbee, and lip balm and Catie says each item has a Bible verse on it. She added: This is a way that I like to show people, you’re worthy of God’s love. What originally started as a personal project is growing. Now 12 organizations from around the community donate to her cause. This year Catie plans to give out 500 of the bags. http://ow.ly/MwZXQ
With Mothers Day less than a week away, the personal finance social network WalletHub has conducted an in-depth analysis of 2015’s Best & Worst States for Working Moms. By using metrics including median women’s salary, female unemployment rate and day care quality rankings, the study found that the top five states for working moms are Vermont, Minnesota, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts. Illinois came in at #20.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The preceding program was presented in living stereo for those live listeners with two ears.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 01, 2015…
Avengers: Age of Ultron—Here comes Marvel Comics with more of your favorite heroes after Ultron (James Spader from television’s “Blacklist) as the villain. That man does get around. In this film there are Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Black Widow (Scarlet Johansson), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo,) Captain America (Chris Evans) and my favorite, Thor (Chris Hemsworth.) Enter new characters such as Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). The Plot? It is there somewhere and about a robot (Spader) who doesn’t like humans. “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the characters, comic books and the cast.
She’s Funny That Way—A darker comedy starring Imogen Poots as a lady of the streets who becomes a stage actress. Owen Wilson as the director of her latest play, and Will Forte as the author are involved with her, and Kathryn Hahn is suspicious, plus Jennifer Aniston is an analyst. Written by Peter Bogdanovich. “She’s Funny That Way” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Roar (opening in select cities)—is a real-life story of raising lions in captivity and living among them. It stars Tippi Hedren, Melanie Griffith (Hedren’s real-life daughter) and John Marshall. The movie was actually done after 1971 and today Hedren runs a wildlife sanctuary in California, the Shambala Animal Sanctuary. This was an experiment to see if lions could become accustomed to having people around if the animals were raised with people. It didn’t always work. “Roar” has no rating, but could be PG or PG 13. No rating.
MAY 08, 2015…
Hot Pursuit stars Reese Witherspoon as a police officer who must protect Sofia Vergara.
Lambert & Stamp is a documentary on the beginnings of the rock group The Who.
The D Train stars Jack Black in a comedy about a man planning his 20th class reunion
I Am Big Bird is a documentary on the person who plays this character.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.