May 06, 2018: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180506
PDF: 20180506

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We regret to inform you that because of a humor shortage we must ration the laughs. If you live at an odd-numbered address you can laugh at my jokes today. But if you live at an even-numbered address, you must wait until tomorrow to laugh at my jokes. No matter how hilarious you think I am.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” — Colossians 3:13

The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. — Luke 19:10

How can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” — Romans 10:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen. — Philippians 4:20

Thought: When was the last time that you prayed and didn’t request things from God and you simply thanked and praised him? Why not use today as a day of thanks and praise? Don’t ask for anything; just praise and thank the Father! Praise him for who he is, what he has done, and what he is going to do! Thank him for blessing you, saving you, and bringing you into his glory! Let today be a day of thanks and praise.

Prayer: You are worthy, dear Father, of every word of praise my imagination can find and every word of thanks my tongue can pronounce. You are glorious, majestic, holy, mighty, and awesome. You are patient, forgiving, sacrificial, loving, and tender. You are more than I can imagine and closer than my very breath. Your greatness exhausts my vocabulary and your generosity overwhelms my heart. Please be glorified in my every thought, deed, and word. In Jesus’ name I praise you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 5:6 NIV = Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – MAY 06, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
232 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NO HOMEWORK DAY, a day for teachers not to assign homework for tonight.

Today is NO DIET DAY, a day to stop dieting and stop dangerous weight-loss attempts.  ***Known in my house as any day ending in a “y”.

This is BE KIND TO ANIMALS WEEK. ***I plan on being kind to our cat by giving it a bath. As often as it gives itself a bath, I figure I’ll be doing it a favor.

This is NATIONAL SELF-HELP BOOK WEEK. ***But don’t go to the bookstore and ask where the self-help section is. That totally defeats the purpose.

This is NATIONAL NURSES WEEK. ***Doesn’t this go against the concept of self-help?

This is DETECT-A-LEAK WEEK. ***I’m not a plumber. So detecting a leak, even though I could probably do it, is not my job. However, I have noticed a big drip in the boss’ office…

This is GREAT LAKES AWARENESS DAY. ***The Great Lakes are the size of small oceans; how can people NOT be aware of them? Are people driving around Illinois or Michigan and suddenly surprised at finding themselves under water?

You may notice a little less talking today on the show. That’s because it’s CLEAN AIR WEEK, and they’ve asked me not to smog it up by telling lame jokes. Oops. Too late.

TODAY IS ALSO…

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day
Joseph Brackett Day
Lemonade Day
Mariachi Day
Motorcycle Mass & Blessing of The Bikes Day
National Infertility Survival Day
No Diet Day
No Homework Day
Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day
Rural Life Sunday
Russel Stover Candies Day
World Laughter Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, MAY 07

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

TUESDAY, MAY 08

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 09

Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day

THURSDAY, MAY 10

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

FRIDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

SATURDAY, MAY 12

American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Limerick Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Dog Mom’s Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
National Windmill Day
Native American Rights Day
Odometer Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
Mother’s Day
Mother’s At The Wall Day

MONDAY, MAY 14

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

ON THIS DAY

1946: The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball team to travel by plane.

1950: At Miyazaki race track in Japan a 72-year-old jockey rode a 14-year-old horse to a second-place finish. He had ridden the horse 140 miles to compete in the race.

1950: Elizabeth Taylor married Nicky Hilton. Liz said, “There is no doubt that Nicky is the man I want to spend my life with.”

1954: At a track meet in Oxford, England, medical student Roger Bannister became the first man to run a mile in less than four minutes (3:59.4)

1960: Britain’s Princess Margaret married photographer Anthony Armstrong-Jones, a commoner, at Westminster Abbey. They divorced in 1978.

1965: Keith Richards fell asleep while improvising with a new guitar. The next morning he couldn’t remember the riffs, but “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” had been preserved on a tape recorder.

1970: Japan’s Yuichiro Miura started at 26-thousand feet and skied down Mt. Everest. He reached speeds as high as 93.6 miles an hour.

1973: In Boston, Paul Simon began his first tour without Art Garfunkel.

1990: Dominic Cuzzacrea ran the 26.2-mile Buffalo, New York, marathon in 3 hours and 6 minutes while flipping a pancake.

1994: The flight crew of an Aeroflot jetliner with no hydraulic fluid landed their 55 passengers safely in Arkhangelsk, Russia, by pouring all the lemonade on board into the jet’s hydraulic system. ***Not only was the landing safe, it was also lemony fresh!

1997: A swarm of killer bees attacked a horse-drawn cart, killing the horse and seriously injuring the three passengers near Szentes, Hungary. It took firefighters wearing protective gear two hours to disperse the swarm with fire hoses to rescue the two adults and one child.

2002: Legendary songwriter Otis Blackwell died of a heart attack in Nashville at age 70. His biggest songs were “Great Balls of Fire” and “Don’t Be Cruel.”

2003: A speedy bandit blazed through Dallas during the morning rush hour, robbing nine businesses in two hours. The bandit, armed with a gun, drove a Cadillac and robbed a business every 13 minutes. Police said three of the businesses were doughnut shops. No one was injured in the robberies.

2005: Augusta, Georgia, unveiled a life-size bronze statue of singer James Brown, heralding his musical achievements.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1527: An army of barbarians who had been sent—but were no longer controlled—by Emperor Charles V sacks Rome. Many Protestants interpreted the attack as a divine rebuke, and some Catholics agreed: “We who should have been the salt of the earth decayed until we were good for nothing,” wrote Cardinal Cajetan, Luther’s adversary. “Everyone is convinced that all this has happened as a judgment of God on the great tyranny and disorders of the papal court.

1638: Dutch theologian Cornelius Jansen, who inspired a reform movement in the Roman Catholic Church, dies. Jansen opposed the teachings of the Jesuits and of Thomas Aquinas, urging the church to re-discover Augustine’s doctrine of irresistible grace. For his views on grace and predestination, the church prohibited Jansen’s teachings.

1746: Death of William Tennent. Teaching from a log-cabin, he greatly influenced the American revival movement known as the Great Awakening.

1816: The American Bible Association was organized on this date in New York (1816.

1840: Death of Father Demetrius A. Gallitzin, “Apostle of the Alleghanies.” He emigrated to the US from Russia, converted to Catholicism, studied at Baltimore Seminary and spent the bulk of his life establishing churches in the Allegheny Mountains.

1986: The first American Indian Roman Catholic bishop, Donald E. Pelotte, is ordained in Gallup, New Mexico.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“ER,” Ocean’s Eleven, Out of Sight, Three Kings) George Clooney, 57 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Touched By An Angel”) Roma Downey, 58 (audio clip)

  • game show host (“Hollywood Squares,” “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” “Dancing With The Stars”) Tom Bergeron 63 (audio clip)

  • Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair 65

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1928 : Davey Johnstone (The Elton John Band)

1939 : Herbie Cox (The Cleftones)

1942 : Colin Earl (Foghat, Mungo Jerry)

1945 : Bob Seger

1948 : Mary MacGregor

1950 : Robbie McIntosh (Average White Band)

1960 : John Flansburgh (They Might Be Giants)

1964 : Tony Scalzo (Fastball)

1967 : Mark Bryan (Hootie & the Blowfish)

1971 : Chris Shiflett (Foo Fighters)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do tennis balls feel fuzzy?

Because there is fuzz on them. (Thank you, goodnight!) Okay, actually tennis balls are fuzzy for two reasons. The fuzz is there, for one thing, to slow it down. You might find that hard to believe had you ever had to receive a cannonball serve from Anna Kournikova, but there you are. It helps play to continue longer by increasing wind resistance and preventing the ball from leaving the stadium on one bounce. The fuzz also increases racket control by holding the ball against the strings for just a fraction of a second longer than would happen with a smooth ball. As for me, I don’t know anything about tennis. As for fuzzy stuff, all I know is that fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, but fuzzy wuzzy had no hair so fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear cancelled his checkers game with Sully so he could help out a friend’s bowling team who was short one player. Gruffy was doing well, in fact, he was doing very well! Finally it came down to the last ball, and it was all up to Gruffy… he had to get a strike or the team would lose the tournament!

CLOSE: That was great bowling by Gruffy – but now he has a dilemma. He already promised Sully that he’d play checkers tomorrow night. He’s already cancelled twice – and now he has decide whether or not to break his promise to Sully… again! What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

In the Netherlands, the Bruintjes family thought it would be cute to get one of those doorbells that barks like a dog when someone presses the button.

In fact, their doorbell plays 15 different barking noises and it’s apparently pretty convincing. After pressing the doorbell and hearing the barks, a city inspector slipped a $97 Dutch dog tax bill into their mail slot.  It was the second year in a row the family had a run-in with authorities over their doorbell and they reportedly had a difficult time convincing the city that they had no dog last year.  The Moment of Duh?  NOT getting rid of the doggie-doorbell before this happened to them a second time.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 QUOTES FROM T-SHIRTS

10. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

9. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

8. Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

6. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

5. My IQ test score is back and the results were negative.

4. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

3. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

2. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

1. That’s it! I’m calling Nana! (seen on an 8-year-old)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes it’s just better to pay what you owe.

FILE #1: In Port St. Lucie, Florida, the police responded to a call from a woman who said her landlord had thrown a porcelain bowl at her face. She said she wanted to pursue criminal charges against the man, but she refused medical treatment and the cops couldn’t see any injuries. They explained to her the consequences of giving false statements to police and she declined to file a report. But six hours later, she showed up at the police station with a large bruise on her face, ready to make the report. The officer on duty thought the bruise looked more like a smudge, possibly drawn on her face. He told her to take a tissue and wipe her face. When she did, the bruise disappeared. She admitted that she had applied mascara to make the mark, because she was mad at her landlord for demanding that she pay the rent. She was arrested and charged with making a false police report.

FILE #2: Two teens are under arrest after a click of the computer mouse led police right to them.  The two allegedly burglarized a home in Mundelein, Illinois. Then, they created a Web site and posted pictures of their ill-gotten goods in an attempt to sell them. Police, operating on a tip, visited the site and showed it to the burglary victim who then identified his stuff: $20,000 worth of electronics and computer equipment. Police knew how to find the alleged burglars because they posted their contact information on the Web site.

FILE #3: If you fall asleep working, most of the time you’ll get in trouble or maybe even fired. A man “working” in Madrid got arrested after he fell asleep on the job. His job was stealing. The burglar broke into a medical clinic with a couple of buzz saws and was in the process of breaking open up a large locked metal box, when he spied a nice cushioned ergonomic chair. Before finishing up the job, he thought he’d test out the chair. The chair was so comfortable, however, that he fell asleep and awoke the next morning to the sound of the police coming to arrest him. Instead of spending money on a burglar alarm, I’m installing a really comfortable chair in my house.

STRANGE LAW: It is required by Kentucky law that you must bathe (either by shower or bath) no less than once a year.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man is arrested for taking the bus?

Henry Johnson really should have walked to his destination… but instead, he decided to take Buffalo Rapid Transit, which would have been fine except that he demanded a free ride. The driver disagreed and called the transit police who arrived and charged Henry with theft of service. And to make matters worse, he gave the cops a fake name so he was also charged with false impersonation. And they weren’t done yet. Once cops found out who he really was, they discovered he was wanted on arson and criminal mischief charges. Oh, and did I mention that in checking his possessions they also found a stolen supermarket card, gas card and library card? One more thing, he also had five bags of crack cocaine in his pockets. He got a free ride after all, to the jail.

PHONER PHUN

What kind of odd things did you do as a kid? Did you try to break your arm because you thought casts were cool? Did you try to hold your breath thinking you could knock yourself out? Did you actually try to fly by jumping off the roof, or really baked a real mud pie to see what it would taste like? What dumb things did you do growing up that you look back on and think are totally insane?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
ANSWER: Psalm 119 (It has 176 verses)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What happens when you heat a diamond to 1,405 degrees Fahrenheit?

ANSWER: It will completely “vanish” forever… it won’t even leave any ash behind.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Captain Nemo is a key figure in the novel, “Red October” (False, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea”)

2. A garland of yellow Black – Eyed Susan wild flowers is draped on the thoroughbred that wins Preakness Stakes. (True)

3. Superman borrowed his theme song from “Les Preludes” by Franz Liszt. (False, Flash Gordon borrowed it)

4. Almost all telephone numbers in movies and TV shows start with the same three digits. And they are 413. (False, 555)

5. The banana is the most widely grown fruit crop. (True)

6. In 1912 Alaska officially became a U.S. territory but didn’t become a state until 1959. (True)

7. Only 3 female artists performed solo at Woodstock. (True: Joan Baez, Janis Joplin and Melanie)

8. 4500 lives were lost on the Titanic. (False, 1513)

9. Enola Gay was the name of the B-29 that dropped a bomb on Hiroshima. (True)

10. Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested and jailed for demanding service at a white-only restaurant in St. Augustine, Florida. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TELEVISION FOR _______ (DOGS)

DOGTV is a new breed of programming – an on-demand cable TV channel designed to keep your dog relaxed, stimulated and entertained.

Two months after it debuted on local networks in California, the canine cable channel has now launched online and is headed for national distribution, according to the channel’s executives.
Known as DOGTV, the channel “offers a promise to our beloved best friends that they should never again feel alone.”

The advertising-free programming is aimed at stay-at-home dogs whose out-to-work masters fret about the separation anxiety their pets suffer, and the trouble they get into, when left unattended for long stretches of time. Billed as the first channel of its kind, DOGTV made its premiere in February as a free, around-the-clock offering carried by cable and on-demand services in San Diego, reaching some 483,000 homes in California’s second-largest city.

The content is scientifically tailored for four-legged audiences, with even the sound, colors and camera angles adjusted to make them more appealing to canines according to the channel’s website.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you forever.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, and that I’ll stay with you forever. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

JOKE #2

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

JOKE #3

Two carrots were going down the street, and one of ’em got run over by a car.  So, the first carrot took the other to the hospital and waited outside.  After a while the doctor came out and said: ‘Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you about your friend. The good news is, he’s gonna live. The bad news is, I’m afraid he’s gonna be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

USELESS FACTS

A study by Salary.com claims that if they did the same duties in the private sector, full-time, stay-at-home moms would make $134,121 a year.  ***So if you’re a stay-at-home mom that needs cash, consider working in the private sector and hire a babysitter.

Here’s an argument for the anti-Creation crowd. According to Evolutionists, cockroaches have been on earth approximately 364 times longer than man.  But if that’s true, why is it that they’ve never held an election?

FEATURED FUNNIES

JURY AGE

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.
“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.
“I’ve already done that,” she replied.  “I did it last year.”
“You have to do it every year,” she was told.
“Why?” came the response.  “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A 16-year-old boy in New Zealand recently went to see a man about a car.

…Seeing as how you don’t buy a car without taking a test drive, the kid took it for a spin. He apparently needed some 300 miles to decide he didn’t want the car before returning it to its owner. Here’s the strange part… police say the kid won’t be charged since the owner did not stipulate any conditions for the test drive.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TODAY
My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Universe has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped.

And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!
What kind of day will you have?
~Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Give us help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we will do valiantly, For it is He who shall tread down our enemies” — Psalm 60:11-12

How do you win a war? Hire mercenaries? Raise an army? Drop bigger bombs? Send in the Navy, Air Force, Marines, Rangers, Seals? Sure, all of these might work – then again they might not.
David gives us a the best way to win any war. Let God do the fighting! Have you ever known God to lose a war? Can you think of a better general to lead us into battle? The disciples thought Jesus would make a good physical King. Know why? They had seen Him multiply food — no more hunger on the battle field! They had witnessed Him healing the multitudes — lose an arm in battle?  No problem. Jesus would just touch you and a new arm, fully trained in battle, would appear — back to work now.
Yet Jesus’ kingdom was to be a spiritual one. Still, God is the best to lead us into battle — even the physical ones. He knows how to win — every time. Got a problem marriage? Give it to God, He can make it right.  Sick? Call upon Him. He can heal. (Don’t worry if He chooses to work on your soul instead — He knows where the real battle is.) Worried? Leave it in His hands. Tired? He will give you rest.
For any battle you may face, He has the proper strategy. He is a winner. Trust Him. Stay out of His way and let Him “tread down our enemies.”

LEFTOVERS

Deodorant causes a murder!

A court in Palo Alto, California is currently hearing a case of two homeless men who fought to the death over a stick of deodorant. Ron McKean was charged in the fatal shooting of Joe Carney on Jan. 11 in a Palo Alto homeless shelter. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… the guy is being charged with a fatal shooting… so he had a gun. The guy can afford a gun and bullets, but can’t afford a stick of deodorant?!??!

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO DATE ON THE CHEAP

It’s important to know how to date inexpensively – especially with rising gas prices and rising living expenses! Dating during a recession – how to save and still be romantic:

  • Cook dinner together: This requires (a) a presentable apartment with a well-stocked kitchen and (b) enough trust on your date’s part to tramp up to your sixth floor walk-up on the wrong part of town. Oh, yeah, and (c) the ability to cook, since you don’t want the other person to be calling all the culinary shots.

  • Take a walk in the park. Just about every woman’s online profile references “long, romantic walks in the park,” so now’s the time to call her bluff. Just be sure to schedule your stroll so it doesn’t conclude too close to dinnertime in a part of town lined with fancy clubs and restaurants.

  • Go on a bike ride. This one is tricky, because it requires you to own a bike — and owning a bike is tricky, because it requires you to own a helmet, kneepads, an annoying little “get out of my way!” bell, and all sorts of other doodads. However, if you already own a bike and all the accessories, and your date does too, a long bike ride won’t cost you anything but calories.

  • Rent a movie. Great line from The Simpsons’ hack actor Troy McClure: “I’ve been reading a lot of scripts lately. It’s a lot cheaper than actually going to the movies!” If you can convince your date to get over that sixth-floor-walkup thing, renting a DVD (or better yet, tuning in something on basic cable) can be a great way to stay in and still get to know one another. Just avoid anything involving Steven Seagal, giant insects, or ex-cast members of MAD TV.

  • Flash a coupon. Think about it: If a restaurant really wanted you to use that 25%-off coupon, would they demand that you show it to your waiter, in full view of your date, the instant you sit down? Still, coupons can be a good way to have your dating cake and eat it too, especially if you can wave them at the maitre d’ when your gal pal isn’t looking. (You can also be honest and suggest trying a particular restaurant because you happen to have the coupon. If she commends you on your good stewardship, she might be a keeper!  If she complains that you’re using a coupon, she’s not a cheap date – and she won’t be a cheap wife either!)

  • Just have coffee and dessert. “It’s romantic to share your food, and women love to linger over chocolate while gazing into their date’s eyes,” says relationship coach Kathy Stafford. Of course, the tricky part about this is how one goes about scheduling a coffee-and-dessert date without actually having dinner.

  • Read a book together. Go to a local bookstore and pick out a book to look at together.   One idea is “5 Love Languages for Dating Couples” and then both of you take the quiz in the back of the book. Or pick up a book with lots of pictures of a dream-vacation spot you’d both like to go to. Combine this with coffee and dessert for an inexpensive date!

JUST FOR FUN

OOPS

A woman has destroyed six cars… all while trying to park her own car!

I surely would not want to be the one to call this in to my insurance company. A woman on a shopping trip to Hamburg wrecked six cars while trying to park. The woman’s foot slipped as she tried to reverse into a space, and that sent her speeding back into two other cars. She hit those cars so hard that they knocked into two other cars behind them, and one car rolled into the main road and collided with yet another two cars heading down the street. The woman will have to pay the damages of the accident herself because her insurance company has refused her claim.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULD THROW AWAY THOSE LEFTOVERS

  • Food is obstructed by outer layer of green fuzz

  • They run away when you try to pick them up

  • The cockroaches have written a tiny note that says, “All yours!”

  • That have that sweet pungent, yet nauseating smell.

  • The container growls at you

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Pregnant? Better save up for a new pair of shoes. A study found pregnancy permanently changes the shape and size of women’s feet. 70% of the soon-to-be-mommies ended up with longer feet — close to a half inch. Their feet also became wider and flatter. And that’s with just the first pregnancy. What happened with the second and third? Not much. The worst happens during baby No. 1.

CHANGE YOUR CHURCH

Want to create some actual change within the Church? Here are some things to not do:

1. Complain. A lot.

2. Keep looking until you find the perfect church.

3. Avoid sharing your faith.

4. Only read the Bible in church.

5. Isolate yourself.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.” ― W.C. Fields

The preceding program was presented in living stereo for those live listeners with two ears.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard—This seems to be the year of the remake, whether in television or the movies.  “Overboard” was a 1987 hit with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn in which she was a spoiled rich girl and he the rugged guy. This time around, the roles are switched, and Anna Faris is the poor girl, while Eugenio Derbez is the spoiled rich kid of a mobster.  Anna is hired to clean the kid’s yacht, and he accidentally falls overboard, gets amnesia and Anna teaches him a few lessons about humility. “Overboard” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Samaritan—A thriller that centers on a valet/thief (Robert Sheehan) who chooses a certain house to rob, only to discover a woman held prisoner there and the owner (David Tennant) is none too pleasant about being robbed.  What to do? Rescue the girl or go to the police? “The Bad Samaritan” is rated R. No rating.

Son Of Bigfoot—An animated film in which a teenager (Pappy Faulkner) goes in search of his long, long lost father.  What he discovers is startling—Dad is actually Bigfoot!  Now, that would be a surprise. Dad is in hiding because an evil company wants his DNA for hair purposes.  “Son of Bigfoot” is rated PG. No rating.

MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party stars Melissa McCarthy in another comedy role., this time going back to college.

Breaking In is a thriller about rescuing hostages. Stars Gabrielle Union.

Terminal concerns crooks planning a robbery. Stars Max Irons.

Assassins Code is trying to solve a crime with a ghost. Justin Chatwin stars.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.