May 07, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW). Please take a moment to note the location of our emergency exits, in case of fire, or in case I accidentally play a (Sandi Patti) song.




Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. –1 Peter 1:13


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7




The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9


Thought: Far from being a vindictive God looking for some reason to condemn us, God wants all people, of all races and languages, to come to know him, to turn to him in repentance, and follow his Son as Lord and Savior. That’s why Jesus came (cf. John 3:16)! That’s why Jesus’ return has not yet happened. So if our desire is to do the LORD’s will and please him in what we do, shouldn’t we be doing something to bring all the people of the world to a knowledge of simple truth about Jesus? Shouldn’t we do everything we can to help them know his grace and call them to repent and follow Jesus as Lord?


Prayer: Righteous and loving Father, please help me as I try to share my faith with friends. Please give me the courage, wisdom, and timing to know when and how to reach outside my comfort zone to share the Gospel with others. Please bless all efforts to lead the lost to repentance and to help them follow Jesus as Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.


The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to




The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV = For we live by faith, not by sight.




(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)


This is JUST SAY NO WEEK. ***MARLAR: And, as much as you’d think it has something to do with avoiding drug use, it doesn’t implicitly say that. It only says, “Just Say No Week”. My point is that this likely is not a good week to ask for a raise, as your employer already has a ready-made excuse.


Today is CHRISTMAS IS ILLEGAL DAY. In Massachusetts on this day in 1660, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***MARLAR: Is that a big problem? People celebrating Christmas on May 7th?




Today is EXPERIENCE THE AWESOME STOMACH-CHURNING WONDER OF A THRILL RIDE DAY. ***MARLAR: And if you can’t afford the price of admission to an amusement park, you can always get your stomach churning by doing a Skin Self-Examination.


Today is NATIONAL BABYSITTERS DAY. ***MARLAR: Before I got into radio and standup comedy, I was actually training to become a registered babysitter. It was a great course. They taught you enough child psychology to convince the kids they were old enough to stay home by themselves so you could hang out at the mall. I learned how to phone friends and relatives all over the world for free, and how to raid the refrigerators of others like a commando.




Cosmopolitan Day

Lag B’omer

National Barrier Awareness Day

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day

National Day of Prayer

National Day of Reason (the atheists’ response to National Day of Prayer)

National Day to Prevent Teen & Unplanned Pregnancy





Free Trade Day

National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day

No Socks Day

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

V E Day

World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross Day (Red Crescent Day)

Child Care Provider Day

Fintastic Friday Giving Shars a Voice

Military Spouse Appreciation Day



American Indian Day

Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Birthmother’s Day (Saturday before Mother’s Day)

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day

International Migratory Bird Day

Letter Carrier’s Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day

Mother Ocean Day

National Babysitters Day

National Miniature Golf Day

National Moscato Day

National Train Day

National Windmill Day

Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

Stay Up All Night

World Belly Dance Day

World Fair Trade Day



World Lupus Day

Mother’s Day

Mothers At The Wall Day



Eat What You Want Day ***MARLAR: Known here as “Monday”.

Hostess Cupcake Day

Root Canal Appreciation Day ***MARLAR: Being celebrated by absolutely no one.

National Women’s Check-Up Day

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day



International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day



Frog Jumping Day

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day



Buddah Day

National Chicken Dance Day

The Stars and Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day




1660: In Massachusetts, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***MARLAR: Was it a big problem… people celebrating Christmas… in May?


1839: Elisha Hoffman was born. The American clergyman composed “I Must Tell Jesus,” Are You Washed in the Blood?” “Glory to His Name,” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”


1914: A number of US Congressmen proposed a National Mother’s Day holiday for the 2nd Sunday in May, and there was not a single “no” vote. ***MARLAR: Of course there wasn’t. Who’s going to vote against doing anything special for Mom? That’d be like making Christmas illegal!


1927: Deejay Jim Lowe was born in Springfield, Ohio. At New York’s WNEW he was the “King of Trivia.” He had one hit record, “The Green Door,” which hit #1 in 1956. He played piano and recorded the song at his apartment. (Not to be confused with Dallas morning radio great “Ole” Jim Lowe, the voice of Big Tex, who died in 2002 at age 73.)


1941: Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded “Chattanooga Choo Choo” for RCA Victor.


1949: Hank Williams made #1 on the country charts with his biggest hit, “Lovesick Blues.”


1959: Some 93,103 baseball fans honored former star catcher Roy Campanella at a Dodger-Yankee exhibition game in the L.A. Coliseum. Campanella had been crippled by an auto accident two years earlier. The largest ever major-league crowd saw Sandy Koufax beat the Yankees 6-2.


1969: The Oakland Oaks won the ABA Championship, beating the Indiana Pacers four games to one.


1969: The Canadian Broadcasting Company stopped advertising tobacco products.


1985: The first pig racing season began in Tulsa, to culminate 10 weeks later with the Arnold Ziffel Sweepstakes. First-year favorites included Marvin Hogler and Bruce Pigsteen.


1986: Joan Rivers began a late-night TV talk show on the Fox Network. It flopped.


1991: A bandit tried to hold up a Jacksonville, Florida, supermarket wearing a paper bag over his head with eyeholes cut so he could see. But when he moved, the bag shifted and he couldn’t see. While he adjusted the bag it tore, exposing his face. Which a checker recognized as one of the store’s regular customers.


1998: The parent company of Mercedes-Benz agreed to buy Chrysler Corporation for more than $37 billion.


1998: A Pasadena, California, couple returned from vacation to find over a thousand birds inside their home. The flock of small migratory swifts had flown down the chimney. Firemen helped the couple clear the birds out in about two hours, but cleaning up the mess took a lot longer. ***MARLAR: I’ll let you make up your own “For the birds” joke for this story; I’m too tweetered out.


2000: Mike Hennessy of West Springfield, Massachusetts, celebrated his 50th birthday by jumping out of an airplane 50 times. Hennessy had logged more

than 5,800 jumps in his life, and spent 46 hours free-falling. But he had never done more than 19 jumps in a single day.


2002: Triple Crown winner “Seattle Slew” died at age 28. It was 25 years to the day after his victory in the Kentucky Derby.


2003: A man wanted for trafficking and possession of cocaine was arrested when his parole officer spotted him kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot displayed on the scoreboard at a Cincinnati Reds game. The suspect and his parole officer attended the same game when the smooching couple were caught by the “Kiss Cam” at Great American Ball Park. The parole officer and a police officer arrested the 24-year-old man in his front row seat.




1274: The Second Council of Lyons convenes with the goal of reunifying the Roman and Greek churches. Orthodox delegates agreed to recognize the papal claims and recite the Creed with the filioque clause, but the union was fiercely rejected by the majority of Orthodox clergy and laity fiercely rejected the union.


1605: Russian prelate Nikon, patriarch of Moscow and the head of the Russian church, is born in Valdemanovo. When he tried to reform the church in 1642, a schism erupted, and the church deposed and banished him.


1823: A group of Orthodox missionaries leaves Irkust to evangelize the Aleutian islands and Alaska.


1833: German pianist and composer Johannes Brahms is born in Hamburg. Intensely religious, he wrote many works for the church though one never officially employed him. He even compiled the biblical texts for his “German Requiem” himself.


1839: Hymn writer and pastor Elisha A. Hoffman is born in Pennsylvania. His songs include “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Down at the Cross,” “Are You Washed in the Blood?” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.


1848: Tiyo Soga is baptized. He will become a great African preacher.


1978: Death of William Basil, missionary pioneer. The mission he founded is now known as World Wide Missions International.




  • daredevil Robbie Knievel 52
  • TV newsman Tim Russert 65




(Music Artist Birthdays From

1833 : Johannes Brahms

1931 : Teresa Brewer

1932 : Jim Lowe

1939 : Johnny Maestro (The Crests, Brooklyn Bridge)

1939 : Jimmy Ruffin

1943 : Rick West (The Tremeloes)

1945 : Bill Danoff (The Starland Vocal Band)

1946 : Ray Monette (Rare Earth, Funkadelic)

1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)

1946 : Jerry Nolan (New York Dolls, Heartbreakers)

1949 : Keith

1950 : Prairie Prince (The Tubes, Journey, New Cars)

1956 : Anne Dudley (The Art Of Noise)

1959 : Marty Wilson-Piper (The Church)

1961 : Phil Campbell (Motorhead)

1972 : Eagle-Eye Cherry




Was there ever any difference between a mammoth and a mastodon?

What can you say about hairy pachyderms? The poor creatures did not survive long enough even to have peanuts thrown at them at the zoo. Poor creatures. To most people, all hairy elephants look alike. They cannot tell a mammoth from a mastodon. But they were two different animals and the distinction could be important should you ever trip over a large chunk of ice containing one of these extinct mammals. Mastodons stood ten feet high and had straight tusks. The mammoth had curved tusks, an extra outer layer of hair, could reach a height of 15 feet. ***Neither the mastodon nor the mammoth spoke English, neither used a cell phone or lived long enough to symbolize the Republican Party.  (Source: THE HANDY SCIENCE ANSWER BOOK by The Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh)




Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at!


Jenny Simmons this week introduced her daughter Annie to what she called the only Saturday morning cartoons. On the screen was Muppet Babies. Jenny said thank goodness for YouTube and the enduring legacy of Jim Henson


A cutting-edge controversy from Audio Adrenaline Adam Agee. He tweeted: the only bad thing about eating lucky charms are the worthless non marshmallow pieces. So what do you think; are the marshmallows your favorite part or do you agree with Adam that they need to go?


Natalie Grant is suggesting we all imitate her daughter Sadie. Natalie shared on Instagram: We should all follow Sadie’s lead and take a little dance break. I promise your day will be better for it. Just dance just because.


Another groaner from Citizenway: What do a garage band and a computer geek have in common? Both are always looking for more gigs.


Casting Crown’s Megan Garrett says she is that person that orders a veggie burger with bacon for lunch.


Third Day is on tour in Canada and they are giving you special, behind the scenes access to an important part of their touring life. The band has a pastor who travels with them when they are on tour. His name is Nigel James. During the tour of Canada Nigel is making his tour devotionals available on his twitter page. Follow along by using the tweeter account @NigelJames3d.


Colton Dixon was recently at the theater and said the lady sitting behind him asked him to take off his hat so she could see. Colton quipped: She must not have known about the hair underneath…..haha.


From Comedian Anita Renfroe: Saw the Avengers movie where they – once again – saved the world. Yawn. Just ONCE I’d like two see them take on a trip to Target with three kids under four.


Work on Natalie Grant’s 9th album is getting underway. She tweeted this week: and so it begins.


Be prepared for a smaller, more trim Kevin Max. He tweeted this week: Fasting diet starts today – see you on the other side.




Authorities find fake skeletons in underwater lawn chairs    photo
CIENEGA SPRINGS, Ariz. (AP) — A man snorkeling in the Colorado River near the Arizona and California border was terrified — and later embarrassed — when he came across two fake skeletons sitting in lawn chairs about 40 feet underwater. The man reported the skeletons to the La Paz…


Woman celebrates 21st birthday performing 21 kind acts
BRISTOL, Tenn. (AP) — A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness to people she had never met across the city of Bristol. The Bristol Herald Courier ( reports Alexa Sexton and a few friends traveled across the city to complete the…
Koala pays late night visit to Australian hospital    photo
SYDNEY (AP) — Staffers at an Australian hospital’s emergency department received a rather unusual late night visitor — a koala. The marsupial casually strolled through the automatic doors of Hamilton Base Hospital in Victoria state at 3:30 a.m. on April 20, said Brigid Kelly,…
Woman seeking man she kissed at marathon hears from his wife    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Tennessee woman searching for the stranger she kissed while running the Boston Marathon this year says she finally heard back — from the mystery man’s wife. Barbara Tatge says her daughter had dared her to kiss a random, good-looking man as she ran through the town of…
Italian astronaut brews, sips first fresh espresso in space    photo
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — The first Italian woman in space is now the world’s first orbiting barista. Over the weekend, astronaut Samantha Cristoforetti fired up the first espresso machine in space. She posted a photo of herself on Twitter from the International Space Station on Sunday,…
Man’s secret cake ingredient for YouTube stunt? Gasoline
MAYWOOD, N.J. (AP) — A northern New Jersey man lit his kitchen table on fire by adding lighter fluid and gasoline to a birthday cake recipe so he could post a video of the fiery result on YouTube. HASH(0x1410e30) Police and firefighters responded to the house fire Sunday and were greeted by…
95-year-old man fights off would-be robber with cane
MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) — Police say a 95-year-old World War II veteran used his cane to fight off a would-be robber in Manchester, New Hampshire. Arthur Kamberis was leaving a pharmacy on Saturday when a man approached and reached for his wallet, which was in a zippered pocket. Kamberis…
Joyful noise or unholy din? New church ‘bells’ mean discord    photo
BURLINGTON, Vt. (AP) — The sound system next door is making it hard for Olga Lopatina to love thy neighbor: Christ the King church. Since last summer, the church has been broadcasting the sounds of bells and hymns to its Burlington neighborhood, a joyful noise unto the Lord that some here…
California officer in hot water over ice bucket video
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A California officer faces insurance fraud charges after authorities say a video showed her participating in an ice-bucket challenge despite claiming she had a back injury. Los Angeles County prosecutors say a video posted online in July showed Pasadena police officer Jaime…
Bag carrying $63K in moldy bills found at Pennsylvania park
HOWARD, Pa. (AP) — A plastic bag containing $63,000 in moldy bills has been found at a Pennsylvania state park. Police say the discovery was made Saturday by a park visitor in Bald Eagle State Park. That’s about 90 miles northwest of the capital, Harrisburg. Police say paperwork found near…
Giant billowing aerial sculpture installed over Boston park    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A giant aerial sculpture is floating over a park in Boston’s Financial District, bringing a shimmer of spring where snowplow piles towered just weeks ago. Early Sunday, dozens of workers closed nearby streets and set to work installing the 600-foot work by artist Janet Echelman,…




Senators seek VA probe to see if mishandled claims systemic    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Troubled by delays in handling of veterans claims, a bipartisan group of senators is seeking a wide-scale independent review of the Department of Veterans Affairs for mismanagement and changes to improve budgeting and speed up applications. A report being released Wednesday…


Among Hispanics, Puerto Ricans seem to have worst health
NEW YORK (AP) — Among Hispanic groups in the United States, Puerto Ricans appear to have the worst health, according to a government report released Tuesday. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued its most comprehensive report on Hispanic health, drawing from earlier research….
Aetna curtails coverage of surgical tool tied to cancer risk
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — The health insurer Aetna is ending most coverage of hysterectomies performed with a once-popular device that has drawn warnings from federal regulators over a risk for spreading cancer. The nation’s third-largest health insurer said Tuesday that, as of May 15, it will…
Feds offer exit plan for Montana town’s asbestos cleanup    photo
BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) — A long-delayed U.S. government cleanup plan for a Montana community where asbestos contamination has sickened thousands would leave the deadly material in the walls of houses, underground and elsewhere — stirring worries among residents and state officials about…
NYC mayor proposes millions in new mental health services
NEW YORK (AP) — Over 80 schools would get mental health clinics, every police precinct would have a victims’ advocate and social workers would arrange psychological care for thousands of families in homeless shelters under Mayor Bill de Blasio’s plan to invest tens of millions of dollars in…
Tainted synthetic marijuana sickens users in Connecticut
WINDHAM, Conn. (AP) — Police are investigating a batch of synthetic marijuana that sickened about a dozen people, sending several to the hospital. Cpl. Stanley Parizo Jr. with the Willimantic Police Department said they began receiving calls Monday morning of people exhibiting psychotic…
Polish doctors perform rare throat-area transplant
WARSAW, Poland (AP) — Polish surgeons said Monday they have successfully performed a rare and extensive transplant of the throat area. Dr. Adam Maciejewski said the 37-year-old patient suffered from advanced cancer of the voice box, making it impossible for him to breathe, swallow and speak….
Former US leader Clinton praises Liberia progress on Ebola    photo
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — Former President Bill Clinton said Monday he was pleased to see Liberia’s progress in the fight against the deadly Ebola disease, and urged residents of the West African nation to support those who survived. Clinton spoke during a visit to Liberia while on a nine-day…
Study: Trace amount of drilling fluid found in water well
Toxic fluids used in drilling and hydraulic fracturing likely escaped an unlined borehole and migrated thousands of feet into a residential drinking-water supply in Pennsylvania, according to a study published Monday. At least three water wells in Bradford County, located in the heart of the…
Reunited mother, daughter seeking court records    photo
ST. LOUIS (AP) — A woman who recently reunited with her 49-year-old daughter filed a petition Monday seeking court files and adoption records that might shed light on what exactly happened in 1965 at Homer G. Phillips Hospital in St. Louis, where the mother says she was told her newborn baby…
Report: 5 months after infection, man spreads Ebola via sex    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Health officials now think Ebola survivors can spread the disease through unprotected sex nearly twice as long as previously believed. Scientists thought the Ebola virus could remain in semen for about three months. But a recent case in West Africa suggests infection through…




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For more than three decades, you couldn’t find Pac-Man or Space Invaders in Marshfield, Massachusetts. But a local 1982 bylaw banning coin-operated video and arcade games has finally been struck from the books.  ***MARLAR: Congratulations, Marshfield – you can now find out what all of the hoopla is about regarding that cool new game, Q-Bert!


Thanks to a new alarm clock you may never be able to say you accidentally hit the snooze button again. A group of students in California have created an intelligent alarm clock called Chipper. Chipper consists of an electronics box that contains the alarm and hangs off the side of your bed. It’s attached to fabric sensors under your mattress. The alarm only turns off when it senses that the weight of your body is no longer on the mattress.  ***MARLAR: Only buy this if you want it for yourself.  Buying it for someone else is grounds for ending a friendship.


State Senate and House committees overwhelmingly approved measures Tuesday that would designate the Bible as the official book of Tennessee. Both the Senate State and Local Government Committee and The House State Government Committee approved the bill. ***MARLAR: Meanwhile, just voted the official book of Washington D.C. is “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.


To celebrate the anniversary of the footwear company Toms the company is encouraging people on Instagram to post photos of their bare feet in exchange for a shoe donation to a child in need. The company’s One Day Without Shoes campaign runs for 16 days and is designed to raise awareness of children’s health and education. Through May 21 Instagram users can participate by snapping a photo of their feet sans footwear and tagging it with #withoutshoes. For every Instagram photo of bare feet tagged, Toms will give their signature slip-on shoes to a child who needs them.  *** What if you have a toenail that looks like a Frito, do you think they still want the photo?




A new study has found the fear of looking stupid stops people from using self-service checkout machines — but hiding in a crowd helps. And that could give stores some tips on how to handle self-checkout, which is becoming a very popular cost-cutting tool among retailers. The study found that shoppers felt more comfortable ringing up their own purchases if they were alone or in a crowd. But if there was just one other person waiting in line behind them, they felt more pressured and less confident and were less likely to use the machine again or recommend it to others.  ***MARLAR: It might also have made them nervous to have some doofus with a clipboard hovering over them ready to ask about their checkout experience.


If your derriere is large, that could actually be good for your health! The specific type of fat that accumulates around the hips is called subcutaneous fat, which is fat that collects under the skin, and it appears to fight type 2 diabetes, according to researchers from Harvard Medical School in Boston.  ***MARLAR: Well, I’m a lot healthier than I thought I was.  And apparently so is our neighbor-lady who’s always bending over in her garden.


Drunk driving is down… but can you guess why?  Drunken driving incidents have fallen 30 percent in the last five years, and last year were at their lowest mark in nearly two decades, according to a new federal report.  The decline may be due to the down economy: Other research suggests people are still drinking as heavily as in years past, so some may just be finding cheaper ways of imbibing than by going to bars, night clubs and restaurants.  “One possibility is that people are drinking at home more and driving less after drinking,” said Dr. Thomas Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  ***MARLAR: Probably because with today’s gas prices, it’s cheaper to fill your gullet than your gas tank.


A family in York, England spent $1500 on four operations and brain surgery to save the life of their pet rabbit. ***MARLAR: How lucky can a rabbit’s foot be if you have FOUR of them and still need brain surgery?








CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Tennis Grunting”




OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. When Gruffy stepped up and said that he gave her the racquet, he was tossed in jail too! All of this because Racquet the Skunk was making defective racquets to try and get rich!


CLOSE: So now everybody is in jail, Rita can’t play badminton, and the tournament is over because the officials are too busy locking people up to officiate the games! And now they’re planning a prison break?!? How much worse can this story get? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!




OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!


CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!


***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.




Where you park makes a big difference!

In Allegany, New York, Stanley White was out cruising in his car when he decided to get something out of his trunk. So, he stopped in the middle of an intersection, hopped out and headed for the back of his car. Parking in the middle of an intersection was mistake number one. In the process of retrieving said item from the trunk, he managed to lose track of his keys. Mistake number two. Panicked, he flagged down a passing police car to help him look for them. Mistake number three. Officers arrested him for DUI after finding the keys right where he left them. In the keyhole of the trunk.






10) Cats’ facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1) Other women.




Even in a life of crime, honesty can be the best policy.


FILE #1: Police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, recently stopped a vehicle for improper registration. This turned out to be worse news for one of the passengers in the car than it was for the driver. Knowing that he had several unpaid traffic tickets in another state, but not knowing if there was a warrant out for his arrest, the quick-thinking passenger gave the officer a false name when he was asked to identify himself. Alas, that false name he gave turned out to be someone who had a felony warrant for vehicular homicide. That was about the time he gave the police his real name, which came in handy when they arrested him on an obstruction charge.


FILE #2: Danny E. Morts pleaded innocent to loitering charges in Van Buren, Ark., and then saw an opportunity to escape. That he did, but his distinctive black-and-white striped jail uniform was attracting too much attention, so he ditched it. That didn’t fool an officer in pursuit, however. Morts “kind of stuck out,” a police spokesman said, since he was running down the street without any clothes whatsoever. He was quickly caught, and charged with escape and disorderly conduct.


FILE #3: This is the story of a security guard who was “supposed to be” guarding a cash filled warehouse in Fort Myers, Florida. No word on where he was at the time, but he allowed burglars to break in and make off with more than $3.3 million that was meant to store bank vaults. Brinks armored delivery service discovered the theft that apparently took place over the weekend and is reminiscent of a 1997 theft where the thieves got away with a cool $18.8 million.


STRANGE LAW: In the state of California it is illegal for a woman to drive while wearing a housecoat.




18-year-old Matthew Rosenberg of Santa Cruz, California, called his mom on a cell phone to say he’d gotten lost while hiking in the mountains, tripped and broke his leg.

A $10,000 rescue effort was launched, and Matthew was located safe and sound. In fact, his leg wasn’t even broken. He’d apparently swallowed some hallucinogenic mushrooms and possibly dropped some acid, and just thought his leg was broken. The fire captain described him as “really gorked.” His dad said Matthew will be punished and “probably won’t get to use the car for a while.”  ***MARLAR: Oh, and HE will break Matthew’s leg.




What event or person inspired you to go on a diet or get in shape? For me, it was getting winded by climbing a flight of stairs to the 4th floor and looking so bad that a young woman had to ask if I was okay. It was embarrassing – humiliating, actually. And that’s when I knew I was in the worst shape of my life. What event or person inspired YOU to do something about your health?




QUESTION: Fill in the blank: John the Baptist said, “Every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the _____.

ANSWER: Fire (Matthew 3:10)




QUESTION: A recent poll finds couples argue approximately 312 times per year. What was the #1 trigger to those arguments?

ANSWER: Stubble in the sink.




Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!


  1. Jane Wilder was Ronald Reagan’s first wife. (False, it was Jane Wyman)


  1. Teabags were first produced in 1718. (False, 1918)


  1. Houdini was Hungarian-born. (True)


  1. Frank Shuster, of Wayne and Shuster fame, had a cousin named Joe who created Batman. (False, he created Superman)


  1. Before starring on the Canadian show “Check It Out!” Don Adams played TV character, Maxwell Smart. (True)


  1. Martin Short is the great-grandson of Prime Minister Sir John Abbott. (False, Christopher Plummer is)


  1. The Bird Flu Virus was mentioned on a radio program which created a national panic on October 30, 1938. (False, that was “War of the Worlds”)


  1. The Abbott and Costello comedy team was famous for its “Who’s On First?” baseball routine. (True)


  1. “Dallas” is the longest-running series in prime time TV history. (False, “Gunsmoke”)


  1. In 1964, Radio Caroline started broadcasting its pirate signals on a converted ferry, just outside of Great Britain. (True)




You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of super foods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten super foods. Experts say super foods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.    They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes, filled with delectable cream, wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!





A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. So Dad came up with an idea. He picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”

“Sorry, There’s no one called Roger here.” The person hangs up.

Dad looks at his son and says, “That’s irritation.” He picks up the phone again, hits the redial to get the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

“No, there’s no one here called Roger. Please don’t call again.”

“That’s aggravation,” says Dad, looking at his son.

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time and says, “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”



A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, “Get the cat, and the tail, and we’ll take them to Wal-Mart.”

She was incredulous. “How could that possibly help?” she asked.

“Well,” he replied, “they’re the world’s largest retailer.”



Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman chuckled and said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”




Here’s an idea American men could take from the men of Japan. A men’s group called the “Japan Doting Husbands Association” is trying to get workaholic Japanese men to give their wives some attention. They even started a website where husbands can write apologies to their wives. One wrote, “I’m sorry I had a car accident. I’m sorry I’m away so much on business trips. I’m sorry I end up sleeping at the office so often.” They also proclaimed one day last week as “Beloved Wives Day” and urged men to thank their wives and get home from work by 8 p.m. ***MARLAR: Those husbands that spent the least amount of time at home wrote things like, “I’m sorry I can’t remember your name.”


British scientists say they have created human embryos containing DNA from two women and a man in a procedure that researchers hope might be used one day to produce embryos free of inherited diseases. ***MARLAR: The downside is that for the child Mother’s Day shopping is twice as expensive.





A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I am a minister, I can’t go around cussing.  Besides, it’s been so long since I met Jesus, I’m not sure I’d even remember HOW to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”




The residents of Oak Lawn, Ill. apparently have a hard time understanding the ordinary STOP sign. So they decided to get creative.

They added extra signs underneath the Stop signs. The slogans including “and smell the roses,” “right there pilgrim” and “means you’re not moving.” While residents and the town’s mayor found them funny, the Illinois Department of Transportation was less than enthused. $1,700 worth of signs were pulled down. ***MARLAR: That’s too bad… it might’ve given people a reason to stop.





Psalms 22:22 “…In the middle of the congregation I shall praise you.”

The Sequoia trees of California tower as much as 300 feet above the ground. Strangely, these giants have unusually shallow root systems that reach out in all directions to capture the greatest amount of surface moisture.

Seldom will you see a redwood standing alone, because high winds would quickly uproot it. That’s why they grow in clusters. Their intertwining roots provide support for one another against the storms. Suffering comes to all of us, and no one can suffer for us.

Even so, just like those giant Sequoia trees, we can be supported in those difficult times by the prayers and understanding of loved ones and friends within the congregation.

It’s when we are too proud to admit our needs to others, or isolate ourselves from Christian brothers and sisters, that we are in the greatest danger.





Read: 2 Chronicles 21:4-20

He reigned in Jerusalem eight years and, to no one’s sorrow, departed. —2 Chronicles 21:20

A man told me that his oldest brother had died. When I expressed surprise that I had not heard the news already, he said, “We never had it announced in any way. He cared about nobody and nobody cared about him.”

At first I was shocked by what I heard, and then I remembered a sermon I had read many years ago, titled, “The Man Nobody Missed.” In 2 Chronicles 21 we read about that man, King Jehoram. Early in his reign he killed all his brothers and other potential rivals. He led the nation in the worship of false gods, had a troubled 8-year reign, and died from a terrible, painful disease “to no one’s sorrow” (v.20).

It’s a sad story. Jehoram wasn’t missed when he died, because he had been a self-centered and godless person. The Bible gives Jehoram this short and tragic epitaph: “He did evil in the sight of the LORD” (v.6).

Let’s remember that the extent to which we care about our relationships—both with God and the people He has put in our lives—will determine how much we will be missed when we pass on. If we keep this in mind and live to please God and show love to others, we’ll be missed when we depart this earthly scene. —Herb Vander Lugt


One life for Christ is all I have,
One life for Him so dear,
One life for doing all I can
With every passing year. —Brandt


Make others happy wherever you go, not whenever you go.





(From a female listener of the show!) If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup. I wanna be a bear.





Toilet seats are cleaner than your computer keyboard!
Bad news bacteria buffs — new research says many computer keyboards carry more harmful bacteria than the average toilet seat! A British consumer group said tests at its London offices found keyboards carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning and worse. Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harbored five times more germs than one of the office’s toilet seats. A microbiologist found that keyboard so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned. It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria. Dr. Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, said, “If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, believe it or not, it’s more or less a reflection of what’s in your nose and in your gut. Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you’re very likely to pick it up from a keyboard.” The researchers recommended a “spring cleaning” for your keyboard noting it’s quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard. (Ananova) ***MARLAR: Or if you’re in a pinch to clean your keyboard, you might try rinsing it in the toilet.





iPods aren’t just for listening to your favorite tunes. They’re also for cheating, at least according to some school administrators.

…Many schools have banned iPods and other digital music players from exams. In Idaho, Mountain View High School Principal Aaron Maybon says the students come up with “new and creative ways to cheat pretty fast.” While no kids have actually been caught iPod cheating, Maybon says a teacher overheard a couple of students talking about it. The music players can be used to record audio answers to tests, or crib sheet can be displayed as the text of song lyrics.  ***MARLAR: C’mon – if you’re that ingenious to come up with a way to cheat using an iPod, you’re smart enough to cram the night before a test.





  1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
  2. Lift both lids and add shampoo
  3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom
  4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
  5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
  6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
  7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
  8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Signed, the Dog




UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Ring Around the Collar

The current season of the popular television show Survivor developed a new team theme. Cast members were recruited and divided up into the categories to match their “fit” in the workplace. The so-called white collars were used to giving the orders, blue collars taking the orders, and “no collars” claimed to be carefree spirits not fitting in with either group.
As a television show, audience had the stereotypes reinforced in the earliest episodes. The blue collar team perceived themselves as hard workers and “grunts on the ground,” willing to do whatever was necessary in the wild. The white collar team couldn’t manage to get a fire going, an essential for cleaning, cooking, and so forth. The carefree group wasn’t worried about who was in charge or when things got done. With their fire started, they preferred to take it easy. You get the picture.
Just in as in real life, misconceptions abound. White collars proved quite capable in physical challenges. Blue collars had to make hard decisions and think ahead. And the carefree world of no collars found tension and emotional baggage in struggling to play the game.
Survivor is about winning a million dollars. Strategy, power, and politics play out everywhere. As people are voted off and teams merge, new social maneuvers must be developed and new alliances created.
So what are the real differences between white collar and blue collar and no collar types? I believe much of it is centered in the power to make decisions and live a lifestyle of your preference. Thus, the real color of your collar may have a green tint: money.
As it’s commonly known, when management wants you to perform, it comes down to two things: more money and/or more power. Remove those, and you diminish perceived “collar” value as well.
Two events in sports over the past weekend provide an interesting illustration.
The NFL Draft was held in Chicago. Our city became Draft Town. In a period of three days, a large group of hard working, dirt churning, sweat generating muscle men transitioned from “blue collar” life into millionaires. While they will remain “under the thumb” of coaches and management, control over their lives made a huge leap.
The second event was the highly promoted boxing match of welterweights on Saturday night. A 38-year-old fighter, Floyd Mayweather Jr, defeated the 36-year-old Manny Pacquiao. The decision was unanimous.
Boxing is hard work. I mean REALLY hard work. The training would kill most of us. The actual fight would kill the rest. So you have to have a LOT of blue collar work ethic to win. And you have to be really good…to make a living.
The fight brought in an estimated $300 million. The Mayweather contract required him to receive 60 percent, win or lose. Let’s just say he won’t have to worry about the price of Jelly Bellies in the days ahead.
So as Mayweather takes the gloves off, do any labels come off? Is he a blue collar guy, or is he now white collar? Or no collar? He could buy his own franchise or start a thousand companies where he’s the boss. In the case of both fighters, money has given them leverage over life.
For these new NFL draftees and those boxing professionals, their success came after hard work and listening to tough taskmasters. All true athletes know success requires regimen and training, discipline and following orders. So do military men and women.
There is more to say on this topic, which I will address in my blog two weeks from now, Lord willing.
In the meantime, here is another tip from a “spiritual leadership consultant” known as Peter. He writes, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18, ESV)
Ruminate on that for a while. And then we’ll get back together for Round 2 in a couple of weeks.
Ding! There goes the bell.





(Full story at

Here’s our list of six very good reasons to run from an interview process and invest your time in finding anorganization that ‘gets’ you, rather than taking a job with one that never,ever will:


Your Time Means Nothing: If a job screeners asks if you can do an interview tomorrow, then maybe fly to New York the next day for a second interview – and if you can’t do it then you won’t be considered? Nice hiring plan! Only those job-seekers who can contort their personal (and business) lives into pretzel shapes will be acceptable to this hiring organization. How much respect for your personal life do you think these folks will show once they’ve got you on board?


It’s All About Us: One woman went to an interview and was asked questions for close to an hour. At the end of that time the interviewer asked ‘Do you have any questions?’ and the woman pulled out a list of questions she wanted to ask about the company.  The interviewer said, “Oh, I didn’t expect a whole list of questions. I’m sorry, we won’t have time to get to your questions today.” In other words, “No questions for you, missy!” Employers who believe that the only decision to be made in an interview pipeline is “Is this the right candidate?” forget that the job-seeker is an equal partner in the talent equation — and those me-first employers don’t deserve you.


No, You Can’t See That Document: Ask for a copy of the company’s employee handbook if you get to the second-interview stage. If the employer won’t give you a handbook to take home and read, get on the bus, Gus! Since the employee handbook is the very document that will define your working relationship with these folks, why on earth would they be hesitant to share it? That’s a bad sign. Don’t expect an open-minded, talent-focused organization when the early signs of baked-in bureaucracy are all over.


Meet the Team? Sorry, No Can Do: If you get the job you’re interviewing for, you’re going to be working with the people on your team for many hours a day, many days a week. Before you accept an offer, you’ve got to meet those people. If the boss is reluctant to let the inmates out of their cells long enough to meet you, run! Next time a new hire is in the pipeline, that could be you, chained to your desk. Employers who don’t respect the team members well enough to involve them in the hiring process don’t get to keep great people.


Prove It To Us: Everybody has to trust everybody when it comes to employer/employee relationships. Can you believe that an employer would say “You have to give us proof of what you earned at your last job?” If these guys don’t trust you, why should you trust them, or attach your sturdy brand to theirs.


Everything But the Offer: By the second interview at the same employer, the HR folks or your hiring manager should be able to tell you what the rest of the selection process will look like and roughly how long it will take. If the candidate-sorting process seems to stretch out endlessly before you, with a new gate being added every step of the way (“We’ve decided there are three more sales guys we want you to meet”) you are being played. Don’t stand for it, unless you’re ready to sign up to be somebody’s doormat.




Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous! (Updated every Monday!)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! You’ve heard the phrase, “Take a Bite Out Of Crime”, well that’s exactly what a Boston police dog did and the man that he took the bite out of has successfully sued the dog and the police force.

…”Shadow” the police dog was only doing what he had been trained to do, he helped Patrolman Peter McClelland arrest a suspect. Jerome Jarrett fled on foot after being pulled over for driving unlicensed and uninsured. The chase ended with Shadow biting Jarrett’s right knee. Now, a jury has ordered the Yarmouth Police Department to pay $50,000 in attorney’s fees to the man because “the department has tolerated excessive force in its K-9 unit.”




Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

As soon as drones were released on the market, Photographer Amos Chapple purchased one and started traveling the globe, photographing famous landmarks before such photography was made illegal. He used the 18 month period before the drones were outlawed to get some amazing photographs. Now 37 of his best views are available on line.


A little girl with amputated feet has found a new friend and playmate — a puppy missing a paw. According to the Huffington Post, Sapphyre Johnson, 3, was born with a condition that left her with missing fingers and required both of her feet to be amputated. Nine weeks ago, local German shepherd breeder Karen Riddle found that one of her new puppies was born without most of his right front paw. She contacted Shriners Hospital, thinking there might be a child who would be a good match for the pup. When Sapphyre saw the dog she said, ‘That’s my puppy. He’s just like me,’”  You absolutely MUST watch this video!




I’ve been thinking about eating more natural foods while I try to get into shape… but now I’m rethinking that plan, because I learned that most people die of natural causes.




Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 01, 2015…


Avengers: Age of Ultron—Here comes Marvel Comics with more of your favorite heroes after Ultron (James Spader from television’s “Blacklist) as the villain. That man does get around.  In this film there are Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Black Widow (Scarlet Johansson), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo,) Captain America (Chris Evans) and my favorite, Thor (Chris Hemsworth.) Enter new characters such as Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). The Plot? It is there somewhere and about a robot (Spader) who doesn’t like humans. “Avengers: Age of Ultron” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the characters, comic books and the cast.


She’s Funny That Way—A darker comedy starring Imogen Poots as a lady of the streets who becomes a stage actress. Owen Wilson as the director of her latest play, and Will Forte as the author are involved with her, and Kathryn Hahn is suspicious, plus Jennifer Aniston is an analyst. Written by Peter Bogdanovich. “She’s Funny That Way” is rated PG 13. No rating.


Roar (opening in select cities)—is a real-life story of raising lions in captivity and living among them.  It stars Tippi Hedren, Melanie Griffith (Hedren’s real-life daughter) and John Marshall.  The movie was actually done after 1971 and today Hedren runs a wildlife sanctuary in California, the Shambala Animal Sanctuary. This was an experiment to see if lions could become accustomed to having people around if the animals were raised with people.  It didn’t always work.  “Roar” has no rating, but could be PG or PG 13. No rating.


MAY 08, 2015…


Hot Pursuit stars Reese Witherspoon as a police officer who must protect Sofia Vergara.


Lambert & Stamp is a documentary on the beginnings of the rock group The Who.


The D Train  stars Jack Black in a comedy about  a man planning his 20th class reunion


I Am Big Bird is a documentary on the person who plays this character.


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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at