May 07, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160507

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW).  Please take a moment to note the location of our emergency exits, in case of fire, or in case I accidentally play a (Rebecca Black) song.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. –1 Peter 1:13

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9

 

Thought: Far from being a vindictive God looking for some reason to condemn us, God wants all people, of all races and languages, to come to know him, to turn to him in repentance, and follow his Son as Lord and Savior. That’s why Jesus came (cf. John 3:16)! That’s why Jesus’ return has not yet happened. So if our desire is to do the LORD’s will and please him in what we do, shouldn’t we be doing something to bring all the people of the world to a knowledge of simple truth about Jesus? Shouldn’t we do everything we can to help them know his grace and call them to repent and follow Jesus as Lord?

 

Prayer: Righteous and loving Father, please help me as I try to share my faith with friends. Please give me the courage, wisdom, and timing to know when and how to reach outside my comfort zone to share the Gospel with others. Please bless all efforts to lead the lost to repentance and to help them follow Jesus as Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV = For we live by faith, not by sight.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 231 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

This is JUST SAY NO WEEK.  ***MARLAR: And, as much as you’d think it has something to do with avoiding drug use, it doesn’t implicitly say that. It only says, “Just Say No Week”. My point is that this likely is not a good week to ask for a raise, as your employer already has a ready-made excuse.

 

Today is CHRISTMAS IS ILLEGAL DAY.  In Massachusetts on this day in 1660, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***MARLAR: Is that a big problem?  People celebrating Christmas on May 7th?

 

Today is NATIONAL SKIN SELF-EXAMINATION DAY.

 

Today is EXPERIENCE THE AWESOME STOMACH-CHURNING WONDER OF A THRILL RIDE DAY.  ***MARLAR: And if you can’t afford the price of admission to an amusement park, you can always get your stomach churning by doing a Skin Self-Examination.

 

Today is NATIONAL BABYSITTERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Before I got into radio and standup comedy, I was actually training to become a registered babysitter.  It was a great course.  They taught you enough child psychology to convince the kids they were old enough to stay home by themselves so you could hang out at the mall.  I learned how to phone friends and relatives all over the world for free, and how to raid the refrigerators of others like a commando.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Birthmother’s Day

Bladder Cancer Awareness Day

Cosmopolitan Day
Free Comic Book Day

Join Hands Day

Kentucky Derby

Start Seeing Monarchs Day

Mariachi Day

Mother Ocean Day

National Babysitters Day

National Barrier Awareness Day

National Homebrew Day

National Scrapbooking Day

Naked Gardening Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MAY 08

Free Trade Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day

Mothers At The Wall Day

World Laughter Day

National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day

No Socks Day

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

V.E. Day

World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 09

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

National Moscato Day

National Women’s Check-up Day

Occupational Safety and Health Professional Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 10

National Lipid Day

World Lupus Day

One Day Without Shoes Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

Eat What You Want Day

Hostess Cupcake Day

National Foam Rolling Day

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day

National Root Canal Day

School Nurse Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 12

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day

International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 13

Blame Someone Else Day

Crouton Day

Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks a Voice

Frog Jumping Day

Friday the 13th!

Hummus Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 14

American Indian Day

Armed Forces Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day

International Migratory Bird Day

Letter Carrier’s Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day

Morel Mushroom Day

National Archery Day

National Chicken Dance Day

National Miniature Golf Day

National Train Day

National Windmill Day

Spring Astronomy Day

Stay Up All Night

Stars And Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day

World Belly Dance Day

World Fair Trade Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 15

Bay to Breakers Race (Oldest Footrace in America)

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day

International Day of Families

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

International MPS Awareness Day

National Slider Day

National Tuberous Sclerosis Day

Nylon Stockings Day

Peace Officer Memorial Day

Straw Hat Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 16

Accounting Day

Biographer’s Day

Mimosa Day

National Piercing Day

National Sea Monkey Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1660: In Massachusetts, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***MARLAR: Was it a big problem… people celebrating Christmas… in May?

 

1839: Elisha Hoffman was born. The American clergyman composed “I Must Tell Jesus,” Are You Washed in the Blood?” “Glory to His Name,” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”

 

1914: A number of US Congressmen proposed a National Mother’s Day holiday for the 2nd Sunday in May, and there was not a single “no” vote. ***MARLAR: Of course there wasn’t.  Who’s going to vote against doing anything special for Mom?  That’d be like making Christmas illegal!

 

1927: Deejay Jim Lowe was born in Springfield, Ohio. At New York’s WNEW he was the “King of Trivia.” He had one hit record, “The Green Door,” which hit #1 in 1956. He played piano and recorded the song at his apartment. (Not to be confused with Dallas morning radio great “Ole” Jim Lowe, the voice of Big Tex, who died in 2002 at age 73.)

 

1941: Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded “Chattanooga Choo Choo” for RCA Victor.

 

1949: Hank Williams made #1 on the country charts with his biggest hit, “Lovesick Blues.”

 

1959: Some 93,103 baseball fans honored former star catcher Roy Campanella at a Dodger-Yankee exhibition game in the L.A. Coliseum. Campanella had been crippled by an auto accident two years earlier. The largest ever major-league crowd saw Sandy Koufax beat the Yankees 6-2.

 

1969: The Oakland Oaks won the ABA Championship, beating the Indiana Pacers four games to one.

 

1969: The Canadian Broadcasting Company stopped advertising tobacco products.

 

1985: The first pig racing season began in Tulsa, to culminate 10 weeks later with the Arnold Ziffel Sweepstakes. First-year favorites included Marvin Hogler and Bruce Pigsteen.

 

1986: Joan Rivers began a late-night TV talk show on the Fox Network. It flopped.

 

1991: A bandit tried to hold up a Jacksonville, Florida, supermarket wearing a paper bag over his head with eyeholes cut so he could see. But when he moved, the bag shifted and he couldn’t see. While he adjusted the bag it tore, exposing his face. Which a checker recognized as one of the store’s regular customers.

 

1998: The parent company of Mercedes-Benz agreed to buy Chrysler Corporation for more than $37 billion.

 

1998: A Pasadena, California, couple returned from vacation to find over a thousand birds inside their home. The flock of small migratory swifts had flown down the chimney. Firemen helped the couple clear the birds out in about two hours, but cleaning up the mess took a lot longer.  ***MARLAR: I’ll let you make up your own “For the birds” joke for this story; I’m too tweetered out.

 

2000: Mike Hennessy of West Springfield, Massachusetts, celebrated his 50th birthday by jumping out of an airplane 50 times. Hennessy had logged more

than 5,800 jumps in his life, and spent 46 hours free-falling. But he had never done more than 19 jumps in a single day.

 

2002: Triple Crown winner “Seattle Slew” died at age 28. It was 25 years to the day after his victory in the Kentucky Derby.

 

2003: A man wanted for trafficking and possession of cocaine was arrested when his parole officer spotted him kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot displayed on the scoreboard at a Cincinnati Reds game. The suspect and his parole officer attended the same game when the smooching couple were caught by the “Kiss Cam” at Great American Ball Park. The parole officer and a police officer arrested the 24-year-old man in his front row seat.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1274: The Second Council of Lyons convenes with the goal of reunifying the Roman and Greek churches. Orthodox delegates agreed to recognize the papal claims and recite the Creed with the filioque clause, but the union was fiercely rejected by the majority of Orthodox clergy and laity fiercely rejected the union.

 

1605: Russian prelate Nikon, patriarch of Moscow and the head of the Russian church, is born in Valdemanovo. When he tried to reform the church in 1642, a schism erupted, and the church deposed and banished him.

 

1823: A group of Orthodox missionaries leaves Irkust to evangelize the Aleutian islands and Alaska.

 

1833: German pianist and composer Johannes Brahms is born in Hamburg. Intensely religious, he wrote many works for the church though one never officially employed him. He even compiled the biblical texts for his “German Requiem” himself.

 

1839: Hymn writer and pastor Elisha A. Hoffman is born in Pennsylvania. His songs include “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Down at the Cross,” “Are You Washed in the Blood?” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

 

1848: Tiyo Soga is baptized. He will become a great African preacher.

 

1978: Death of William Basil, missionary pioneer. The mission he founded is now known as World Wide Missions International.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daredevil Robbie Knievel 53
  • TV newsman Tim Russert 66

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1833 : Johannes Brahms

1931 : Teresa Brewer

1932 : Jim Lowe

1939 : Johnny Maestro (The Crests, Brooklyn Bridge)

1939 : Jimmy Ruffin

1943 : Rick West (The Tremeloes)

1945 : Bill Danoff (The Starland Vocal Band)

1946 : Ray Monette (Rare Earth, Funkadelic)

1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)

1946 : Jerry Nolan (New York Dolls, Heartbreakers)

1949 : Keith

1950 : Prairie Prince (The Tubes, Journey, New Cars)

1956 : Anne Dudley (The Art Of Noise)

1959 : Marty Wilson-Piper (The Church)

1961 : Phil Campbell (Motorhead)

1972 : Eagle-Eye Cherry

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Was there ever any difference between a mammoth and a mastodon?

What can you say about hairy pachyderms? The poor creatures did not survive long enough even to have peanuts thrown at them at the zoo. Poor creatures. To most people, all hairy elephants look alike. They cannot tell a mammoth from a mastodon. But they were two different animals and the distinction could be important should you ever trip over a large chunk of ice containing one of these extinct mammals. Mastodons stood ten feet high and had straight tusks. The mammoth had curved tusks, an extra outer layer of hair, could reach a height of 15 feet. ***Neither the mastodon nor the mammoth spoke English, neither used a cell phone or lived long enough to symbolize the Republican Party.  (Source: THE HANDY SCIENCE ANSWER BOOK by The Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Last year Kutless played shows in the Ukraine and group guitarist James Mead says it was one of the most impactful things he’s ever been a part of. This week James announced that the band is going back. He posted on Instagram that he was very excited to be heading back to the Ukraine this summer.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE8oelpJdTp/

 

Josh Wilson says his living room concert series has moved but the series will still be held. Josh announced this week that, due to scheduling conflicts, the dates of the online events have been changes. However, Josh will still be playing all three shows. They will now take place on May 24, May 31, and June 7. The shows will still be available for a free will offering.

http://twitter.com/joshwilson/status/727232460812091392/photo/1

 

Several weeks ago Citizenway member David Blascoe was sent an anonymous box that contained a unicorn suit. Now he’s found the perfect use for that gift. David posted a short video as Citizenway and Mercyme wrapped up their joint tour. He slipped into the costume and wore it on stage during the Mercyme song Shake, describing his performance as a whole lot of awkward and a whole lot of amazing.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE42SsppAJD/

 

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey was recently the victim of a tour prank and he was not amused. The outspoken Cubs fan posted a picture of his mic with the St. Louis Cardinals logo taped on. Dave posted: Not cool. Now this microphone is cursed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE4osy5GINa/

 

A thought from Shane and Shane: When May arrives, we always start longing for summer. It’s like summer’s appetizer.

 

Selah is trying again. Last year the band announced an effort to lose a total collectively of 260 pounds by 2016. In a video this week they admitted that it hadn’t worked out…but they added that they aren’t giving up. The group said this time they are implementing a plan as a team. A weigh in is scheduled for later this week. They added: we’ll gladly accept cheers/encouragement but especially your prayers for this journey.

https://youtu.be/MC8uZVaOj3Q

 

Kari Jobe and her husband, Cody Carnes, were on a demo date this week. No, the couple wasn’t trying out dating again after the birth of their first child. Kari says their date night was spent making song demos. No word on when the new music will be available.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE4rMrfBoR4/

 

Jordan Feliz is featured on the cover of the May 1st edition of CCM Magazine. Jordan shared his story with the magazine that released this week, sharing his journey from “Parking cars to rising star”.

https://t.co/9xXnVdjlLR

 

A life hack from Kutless member James Mead. He posted a picture of a glass with a paper funnel in the top and added: this is how you catch fruit flies in your house. A piece of paper and some juice in a cup. http://twitter.com/jrmeadkutless/status/727377398723829760/video/1

 

Mikeschair front man Mike Grayson and his wife, Molly Reed Grayson, a former member of City Harbor, have made it official. They announced this week that their new duo has signed with Centricity Music. Mike and Molly are currently in the studio recording their new project. It is scheduled for release on September 30, 2016.

http://bit.ly/1W3hf1Z

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Zero in Roman Numerals”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Public Restrooms”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was in a tizzy over losing all of his crayons – especially after promising the Rabbit family that he’d do their portrait.  Unfortunately, his friends didn’t seem all that concerned about looking for lost crayons.  Everything else was taking priority, like swimming, naps, snacks, and fort building!

 

CLOSE: Racquet is stuck in a deep dark scary jungle, and the animals are still more concerned about story time?  This is getting really serious.  Will Racquet be okay in the jungle all alone?  Will the crayons ever be found?  Will the animals ever stop thinking of themselves?  Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 07/08

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, not only were the Cheetah Sisters no longer singing three-part-harmony, but nobody was singing or playing in harmony!  Ever since Cheetah Bonita decided to go solo, everyone decided to go solo… and now there’s no more music in the jungle – it’s all just… well… NOISE!
CLOSE: Will Cheetah Bonita be able to run away from the squirrels?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Where you park makes a big difference!

In Allegany, New York, Stanley White was out cruising in his car when he decided to get something out of his trunk. So, he stopped in the middle of an intersection, hopped out and headed for the back of his car. Parking in the middle of an intersection was mistake number one. In the process of retrieving said item from the trunk, he managed to lose track of his keys. Mistake number two. Panicked, he flagged down a passing police car to help him look for them. Mistake number three. Officers arrested him for DUI after finding the keys right where he left them. In the keyhole of the trunk.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

 

10) Cats’ facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1) Other women.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Even in a life of crime, honesty can be the best policy.

 

FILE #1: Police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, recently stopped a vehicle for improper registration. This turned out to be worse news for one of the passengers in the car than it was for the driver. Knowing that he had several unpaid traffic tickets in another state, but not knowing if there was a warrant out for his arrest, the quick-thinking passenger gave the officer a false name when he was asked to identify himself. Alas, that false name he gave turned out to be someone who had a felony warrant for vehicular homicide. That was about the time he gave the police his real name, which came in handy when they arrested him on an obstruction charge.

 

FILE #2: Danny E. Morts pleaded innocent to loitering charges in Van Buren, Ark., and then saw an opportunity to escape. That he did, but his distinctive black-and-white striped jail uniform was attracting too much attention, so he ditched it. That didn’t fool an officer in pursuit, however. Morts “kind of stuck out,” a police spokesman said, since he was running down the street without any clothes whatsoever.  He was quickly caught, and charged with escape and disorderly conduct.

 

FILE #3: This is the story of a security guard who was “supposed to be” guarding a cash filled warehouse in Fort Myers, Florida. No word on where he was at the time, but he allowed burglars to break in and make off with more than $3.3 million that was meant to store bank vaults. Brinks armored delivery service discovered the theft that apparently took place over the weekend and is reminiscent of a 1997 theft where the thieves got away with a cool $18.8 million.

 

STRANGE LAW: In the state of California it is illegal for a woman to drive while wearing a housecoat.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

18-year-old Matthew Rosenberg of Santa Cruz, California, called his mom on a cell phone to say he’d gotten lost while hiking in the mountains, tripped and broke his leg.

A $10,000 rescue effort was launched, and Matthew was located safe and sound. In fact, his leg wasn’t even broken. He’d apparently swallowed some hallucinogenic mushrooms and possibly dropped some acid, and just thought his leg was broken. The fire captain described him as “really gorked.” His dad said Matthew will be punished and “probably won’t get to use the car for a while.”  ***MARLAR: Oh, and HE will break Matthew’s leg.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What event or person inspired you to go on a diet or get in shape?  For me, it was getting winded by climbing a flight of stairs to the 4th floor and looking so bad that a young woman had to ask if I was okay.  It was embarrassing – humiliating, actually.  And that’s when I knew I was in the worst shape of my life.  What event or person inspired YOU to do something about your health?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Fill in the blank: John the Baptist said, “Every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the _____.

ANSWER: Fire (Matthew 3:10)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A recent poll finds couples argue approximately 312 times per year. What was the #1 trigger to those arguments?

ANSWER: Stubble in the sink.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Jane Wilder was Ronald Reagan’s first wife. (False, it was Jane Wyman)

 

  1. Teabags were first produced in 1718. (False, 1918)

 

  1. Houdini was Hungarian-born. (True)

 

  1. Frank Shuster, of Wayne and Shuster fame, had a cousin named Joe who created Batman. (False, he created Superman)

 

  1. Before starring on the Canadian show “Check It Out!” Don Adams played TV character, Maxwell Smart. (True)

 

  1. Martin Short is the great-grandson of Prime Minister Sir John Abbott. (False, Christopher Plummer is)

 

  1. The Bird Flu Virus was mentioned on a radio program which created a national panic on October 30, 1938. (False, that was “War of the Worlds”)

 

  1. The Abbott and Costello comedy team was famous for its “Who’s On First?” baseball routine. (True)

 

  1. “Dallas” is the longest-running series in prime time TV history. (False, “Gunsmoke”)

 

  1. In 1964, Radio Caroline started broadcasting its pirate signals on a converted ferry, just outside of Great Britain. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ : THE NEW SUPERFOOD! (TWINKIES)

Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of super foods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten super foods. Experts say super foods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.    They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes, filled with delectable cream, wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. So Dad came up with an idea. He picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”

“Sorry, There’s no one called Roger here.” The person hangs up.

Dad looks at his son and says, “That’s irritation.” He picks up the phone again, hits the redial to get the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

“No, there’s no one here called Roger. Please don’t call again.”

“That’s aggravation,” says Dad, looking at his son.

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time and says, “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”

 

JOKE #2

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.  She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, “Get the cat, and the tail, and we’ll take them to Wal-Mart.”

She was incredulous. “How could that possibly help?” she asked.

“Well,” he replied, “they’re the world’s largest retailer.”

 

JOKE #3

Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman chuckled and said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Here’s an idea American men could take from the men of Japan. A men’s group called the “Japan Doting Husbands Association” is trying to get workaholic Japanese men to give their wives some attention. They even started a website where husbands can write apologies to their wives. One wrote, “I’m sorry I had a car accident. I’m sorry I’m away so much on business trips. I’m sorry I end up sleeping at the office so often.” They also proclaimed one day last week as “Beloved Wives Day” and urged men to thank their wives and get home from work by 8 p.m. ***MARLAR: Those husbands that spent the least amount of time at home wrote things like, “I’m sorry I can’t remember your name.”

 

British scientists say they have created human embryos containing DNA from two women and a man in a procedure that researchers hope might be used one day to produce embryos free of inherited diseases. ***MARLAR: The downside is that for the child Mother’s Day shopping is twice as expensive.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

LAWN MOWER FOR SALE

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I am a minister, I can’t go around cussing.  Besides, it’s been so long since I met Jesus, I’m not sure I’d even remember HOW to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The residents of Oak Lawn, Ill. apparently have a hard time understanding the ordinary STOP sign. So they decided to get creative.

They added extra signs underneath the Stop signs.  The slogans including “and smell the roses,” “right there pilgrim” and “means you’re not moving.” While residents and the town’s mayor found them funny, the Illinois Department of Transportation was less than enthused. $1,700 worth of signs were pulled down.  ***MARLAR: That’s too bad… it might’ve given people a reason to stop.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SEQUOIA TREES

Psalms 22:22 “…In the middle of the congregation I shall praise you.”

The Sequoia trees of California tower as much as 300 feet above the ground. Strangely, these giants have unusually shallow root systems that reach out in all directions to capture the greatest amount of surface moisture.

Seldom will you see a redwood standing alone, because high winds would quickly uproot it. That’s why they grow in clusters. Their intertwining roots provide support for one another against the storms. Suffering comes to all of us, and no one can suffer for us.

Even so, just like those giant Sequoia trees, we can be supported in those difficult times by the prayers and understanding of loved ones and friends within the congregation.

It’s when we are too proud to admit our needs to others, or isolate ourselves from Christian brothers and sisters, that we are in the greatest danger.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE MAN NOBODY MISSED

Read: 2 Chronicles 21:4-20

He reigned in Jerusalem eight years and, to no one’s sorrow, departed. —2 Chronicles 21:20

A man told me that his oldest brother had died. When I expressed surprise that I had not heard the news already, he said, “We never had it announced in any way. He cared about nobody and nobody cared about him.”

At first I was shocked by what I heard, and then I remembered a sermon I had read many years ago, titled, “The Man Nobody Missed.” In 2 Chronicles 21 we read about that man, King Jehoram. Early in his reign he killed all his brothers and other potential rivals. He led the nation in the worship of false gods, had a troubled 8-year reign, and died from a terrible, painful disease “to no one’s sorrow” (v.20).

It’s a sad story. Jehoram wasn’t missed when he died, because he had been a self-centered and godless person. The Bible gives Jehoram this short and tragic epitaph: “He did evil in the sight of the LORD” (v.6).

Let’s remember that the extent to which we care about our relationships—both with God and the people He has put in our lives—will determine how much we will be missed when we pass on. If we keep this in mind and live to please God and show love to others, we’ll be missed when we depart this earthly scene. —Herb Vander Lugt

 

One life for Christ is all I have,
One life for Him so dear,
One life for doing all I can
With every passing year. —Brandt

 

Make others happy wherever you go, not whenever you go.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

BEARY INTERESTING

(From a female listener of the show!) If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup. I wanna be a bear.

–Anna

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Toilet seats are cleaner than your computer keyboard!
Bad news bacteria buffs — new research says many computer keyboards carry more harmful bacteria than the average toilet seat! A British consumer group said tests at its London offices found keyboards carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning and worse. Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harbored five times more germs than one of the office’s toilet seats. A microbiologist found that keyboard so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned. It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria. Dr. Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, said, “If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, believe it or not, it’s more or less a reflection of what’s in your nose and in your gut. Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you’re very likely to pick it up from a keyboard.” The researchers recommended a “spring cleaning” for your keyboard noting it’s quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard. (Ananova) ***MARLAR: Or if you’re in a pinch to clean your keyboard, you might try rinsing it in the toilet.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

YER CHEATIN’ IPOD

iPods aren’t just for listening to your favorite tunes. They’re also for cheating, at least according to some school administrators.

…Many schools have banned iPods and other digital music players from exams. In Idaho, Mountain View High School Principal Aaron Maybon says the students come up with “new and creative ways to cheat pretty fast.” While no kids have actually been caught iPod cheating, Maybon says a teacher overheard a couple of students talking about it. The music players can be used to record audio answers to tests, or crib sheet can be displayed as the text of song lyrics.  ***MARLAR: C’mon – if you’re that ingenious to come up with a way to cheat using an iPod, you’re smart enough to cram the night before a test.

 

 

FUN LIST

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

  1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
  2. Lift both lids and add shampoo
  3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom
  4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
  5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
  6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
  7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
  8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Signed, the Dog

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

REASONS TO RUN AWAY FROM A JOB OPPORTUNITY

(Full story at http://shine.yahoo.com/work-money/six-reasons-run-job-opportunity-035500053.html)

Here’s our list of six very good reasons to run from an interview process and invest your time in finding anorganization that ‘gets’ you, rather than taking a job with one that never,ever will:

 

Your Time Means Nothing: If a job screeners asks if you can do an interview tomorrow, then maybe fly to New York the next day for a second interview – and if you can’t do it then you won’t be considered? Nice hiring plan! Only those job-seekers who can contort their personal (and business) lives into pretzel shapes will be acceptable to this hiring organization. How much respect for your personal life do you think these folks will show once they’ve got you on board?

 

It’s All About Us: One woman went to an interview and was asked questions for close to an hour. At the end of that time the interviewer asked ‘Do you have any questions?’ and the woman pulled out a list of questions she wanted to ask about the company.  The interviewer said, “Oh, I didn’t expect a whole list of questions. I’m sorry, we won’t have time to get to your questions today.” In other words, “No questions for you, missy!” Employers who believe that the only decision to be made in an interview pipeline is “Is this the right candidate?” forget that the job-seeker is an equal partner in the talent equation — and those me-first employers don’t deserve you.

 

No, You Can’t See That Document: Ask for a copy of the company’s employee handbook if you get to the second-interview stage. If the employer won’t give you a handbook to take home and read, get on the bus, Gus! Since the employee handbook is the very document that will define your working relationship with these folks, why on earth would they be hesitant to share it? That’s a bad sign. Don’t expect an open-minded, talent-focused organization when the early signs of baked-in bureaucracy are all over.

 

Meet the Team? Sorry, No Can Do: If you get the job you’re interviewing for, you’re going to be working with the people on your team for many hours a day, many days a week. Before you accept an offer, you’ve got to meet those people. If the boss is reluctant to let the inmates out of their cells long enough to meet you, run! Next time a new hire is in the pipeline, that could be you, chained to your desk. Employers who don’t respect the team members well enough to involve them in the hiring process don’t get to keep great people.

 

Prove It To Us: Everybody has to trust everybody when it comes to employer/employee relationships. Can you believe that an employer would say “You have to give us proof of what you earned at your last job?” If these guys don’t trust you, why should you trust them, or attach your sturdy brand to theirs.

 

Everything But the Offer: By the second interview at the same employer, the HR folks or your hiring manager should be able to tell you what the rest of the selection process will look like and roughly how long it will take. If the candidate-sorting process seems to stretch out endlessly before you, with a new gate being added every step of the way (“We’ve decided there are three more sales guys we want you to meet”) you are being played. Don’t stand for it, unless you’re ready to sign up to be somebody’s doormat.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A woman decided to conduct an experiment recently.  She wrote down every dollar she spent – and she discovered five things:

  1. Fee-free ATMs are abundant.
  2. Being thrifty doesn’t mean you can’t have a social life.
  3. Take a lap before making big purchases.
  4. Cut yourself budgetary slack.
  5. Money diaries work.

http://huff.to/1NLxPeU

 

In the 80s we had the mood ring, now we have the mood map. A multinational team of researchers has sought to map the American mood by compiling a state-by-state ratings of personality and temperament. According to the map, the central part of the country is more friendly and conventional while the western states are relaxed and creative and the northeastern states are temperamental.  ***Here in Illinois, it appears we’re more open and extroverted than most… but we’re also more neurotic!

http://ti.me/1NFXjtW

 

For the Greatest Show on Earth, there is no longer an elephant in the room. The 145-year-old Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus held its last show featuring elephants Sunday night. Ringling announced its plan last spring, saying it is sending all its Asian elephants to live on the company’s Florida nature reserve. The original plan called for phasing out elephants’ role in the circus by 2018. But in January, Ringling’s parent company, Feld Entertainment, said it was moving up the timetable. The decision came after years of growing public concern for the elephants’ well-being.

http://n.pr/1rNiEhd

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ve been thinking about eating more natural foods while I try to get into shape… but now I’m rethinking that plan, because I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 06, 2016…

 

Captain America: Civil War—Just about everybody in Hollywood who can hold a shield is in this film from comic-book-land.  Basically, there is a strong disagreement between Captain America (Chris Evans) who is not bothered by “collateral damage” during one of their fights against the bad guys.  On the other hand, Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) is disturbed by casualties and wants government supervision of the people-with-powers. Thus the argument goes. This is just a sampling of the super-heroes in the film, as follows: Spider Man (Tom Holland), Black Widow (Scarlett Johannsen), Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan), Ant Man (Paul Rudd), and Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen.) “Captain America: Civil War” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans and you know who you are.

 

Going In Style—Going against “Captain America” this week, are Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine, plus Alan Arkin in a comedy about three men living on the barest of shoestrings, who decide to rob a bank. Based on the 1979 film. Also in the cast is Joey King. “Going In Style” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Dark Horse (opening in select cities)—Cliff Curtis (“Risen”) plays the real-life person, Genesis Polini, a New Zealand man who is a master chess player, and uses the game to help himself and other with bi-polar disorder. “Dark Horse” is rated R. No rating.

 

MAY 13, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones has Matthew McConaughey as a farmer in the Civil War South who fights for his land and freedom.

 

Snowden, directed by Oliver Stone, is based on books about Snowden concerning the government documents he released.

 

Money Monster has George Clooney being held hostage in a TV station and Julia Roberts is his producer.

 

Kidnap is about a mother trying to find her kidnapped son. Stars Halle Berry.

 

High Rise (with a title change) is now being released. Stars Tom Hiddleston (“I Saw The Light”) as a man who doesn’t like his neighbors.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.