May 07, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180507
PDF: 20180507

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW). Please take a moment to note the location of our emergency exits, in case of fire, or in case I accidentally play a (Rebecca Black) song.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“There is no calamity which a great nation can invite which equals that which follows a supine submission to wrong and injustice.” – Grover Cleveland

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. –1 Peter 1:13

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9

Thought: Far from being a vindictive God looking for some reason to condemn us, God wants all people, of all races and languages, to come to know him, to turn to him in repentance, and follow his Son as Lord and Savior. That’s why Jesus came (cf. John 3:16)! That’s why Jesus’ return has not yet happened. So if our desire is to do the LORD’s will and please him in what we do, shouldn’t we be doing something to bring all the people of the world to a knowledge of simple truth about Jesus? Shouldn’t we do everything we can to help them know his grace and call them to repent and follow Jesus as Lord?

Prayer: Righteous and loving Father, please help me as I try to share my faith with friends. Please give me the courage, wisdom, and timing to know when and how to reach outside my comfort zone to share the Gospel with others. Please bless all efforts to lead the lost to repentance and to help them follow Jesus as Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV = For we live by faith, not by sight.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 07, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
231 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

This is JUST SAY NO WEEK. ***And, as much as you’d think it has something to do with avoiding drug use, it doesn’t implicitly say that. It only says, “Just Say No Week”. My point is that this likely is not a good week to ask for a raise, as your employer already has a ready-made excuse.

Today is CHRISTMAS IS ILLEGAL DAY. In Massachusetts on this day in 1660, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***MARLAR: Is that a big problem? People celebrating Christmas on May 7th?

Today is NATIONAL SKIN SELF-EXAMINATION DAY.

Today is EXPERIENCE THE AWESOME STOMACH-CHURNING WONDER OF A THRILL RIDE DAY. ***And if you can’t afford the price of admission to an amusement park, you can always get your stomach churning by doing a Skin Self-Examination.

Today is NATIONAL BABYSITTERS DAY. ***Before I got into radio and standup comedy, I was actually training to become a registered babysitter. It was a great course. They taught you enough child psychology to convince the kids they were old enough to stay home by themselves so you could hang out at the mall. I learned how to phone friends and relatives all over the world for free, and how to raid the refrigerators of others like a commando.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Cosmopolitan Day
Design Packaging Day
Melanoma Monday
National Barrier Awareness Day
National Library Legislative Day
Worldwide Day of Genital Autonomy

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 08

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 09

Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day

THURSDAY, MAY 10

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

FRIDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

SATURDAY, MAY 12

American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Limerick Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Dog Mom’s Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
National Windmill Day
Native American Rights Day
Odometer Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
Mother’s Day
Mother’s At The Wall Day

MONDAY, MAY 14

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

ON THIS DAY

1660: In Massachusetts, a fine was imposed of $1.25 for anyone celebrating Christmas. ***Was it a big problem… people celebrating Christmas… in May?

1839: Elisha Hoffman was born. The American clergyman composed “I Must Tell Jesus,” Are You Washed in the Blood?” “Glory to His Name,” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”

1914: A number of US Congressmen proposed a National Mother’s Day holiday for the 2nd Sunday in May, and there was not a single “no” vote. ***Of course there wasn’t. Who’s going to vote against doing anything special for Mom? That’d be like making Christmas illegal!

1927: Deejay Jim Lowe was born in Springfield, Ohio. At New York’s WNEW he was the “King of Trivia.” He had one hit record, “The Green Door,” which hit #1 in 1956. He played piano and recorded the song at his apartment. (Not to be confused with Dallas morning radio great “Ole” Jim Lowe, the voice of Big Tex, who died in 2002 at age 73.)

1941: Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded “Chattanooga Choo Choo” for RCA Victor.

1949: Hank Williams made #1 on the country charts with his biggest hit, “Lovesick Blues.”

1959: Some 93,103 baseball fans honored former star catcher Roy Campanella at a Dodger-Yankee exhibition game in the L.A. Coliseum. Campanella had been crippled by an auto accident two years earlier. The largest ever major-league crowd saw Sandy Koufax beat the Yankees 6-2.

1969: The Oakland Oaks won the ABA Championship, beating the Indiana Pacers four games to one.

1969: The Canadian Broadcasting Company stopped advertising tobacco products.

1985: The first pig racing season began in Tulsa, to culminate 10 weeks later with the Arnold Ziffel Sweepstakes. First-year favorites included Marvin Hogler and Bruce Pigsteen.

1986: Joan Rivers began a late-night TV talk show on the Fox Network. It flopped.

1991: A bandit tried to hold up a Jacksonville, Florida, supermarket wearing a paper bag over his head with eyeholes cut so he could see. But when he moved, the bag shifted and he couldn’t see. While he adjusted the bag it tore, exposing his face. Which a checker recognized as one of the store’s regular customers.

1998: The parent company of Mercedes-Benz agreed to buy Chrysler Corporation for more than $37 billion.

1998: A Pasadena, California, couple returned from vacation to find over a thousand birds inside their home. The flock of small migratory swifts had flown down the chimney. Firemen helped the couple clear the birds out in about two hours, but cleaning up the mess took a lot longer. ***I’ll let you make up your own “For the birds” joke for this story; I’m too tweetered out.

2000: Mike Hennessy of West Springfield, Massachusetts, celebrated his 50th birthday by jumping out of an airplane 50 times. Hennessy had logged more than 5,800 jumps in his life, and spent 46 hours free-falling. But he had never done more than 19 jumps in a single day.

2002: Triple Crown winner “Seattle Slew” died at age 28. It was 25 years to the day after his victory in the Kentucky Derby.

2003: A man wanted for trafficking and possession of cocaine was arrested when his parole officer spotted him kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot displayed on the scoreboard at a Cincinnati Reds game. The suspect and his parole officer attended the same game when the smooching couple were caught by the “Kiss Cam” at Great American Ball Park. The parole officer and a police officer arrested the 24-year-old man in his front row seat.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1274: The Second Council of Lyons convenes with the goal of reunifying the Roman and Greek churches. Orthodox delegates agreed to recognize the papal claims and recite the Creed with the filioque clause, but the union was fiercely rejected by the majority of Orthodox clergy and laity fiercely rejected the union.

1605: Russian prelate Nikon, patriarch of Moscow and the head of the Russian church, is born in Valdemanovo. When he tried to reform the church in 1642, a schism erupted, and the church deposed and banished him.

1823: A group of Orthodox missionaries leaves Irkust to evangelize the Aleutian islands and Alaska.

1833: German pianist and composer Johannes Brahms is born in Hamburg. Intensely religious, he wrote many works for the church though one never officially employed him. He even compiled the biblical texts for his “German Requiem” himself.

1839: Hymn writer and pastor Elisha A. Hoffman is born in Pennsylvania. His songs include “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Down at the Cross,” “Are You Washed in the Blood?” and “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

1848: Tiyo Soga is baptized. He will become a great African preacher.

1978: Death of William Basil, missionary pioneer. The mission he founded is now known as World Wide Missions International.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daredevil Robbie Knievel 55
  • TV newsman Tim Russert 68

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1833 : Johannes Brahms

1931 : Teresa Brewer

1932 : Jim Lowe

1939 : Johnny Maestro (The Crests, Brooklyn Bridge)

1939 : Jimmy Ruffin

1943 : Rick West (The Tremeloes)

1945 : Bill Danoff (The Starland Vocal Band)

1946 : Ray Monette (Rare Earth, Funkadelic)

1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)

1946 : Jerry Nolan (New York Dolls, Heartbreakers)

1949 : Keith

1950 : Prairie Prince (The Tubes, Journey, New Cars)

1956 : Anne Dudley (The Art Of Noise)

1959 : Marty Wilson-Piper (The Church)

1961 : Phil Campbell (Motorhead)

1972 : Eagle-Eye Cherry

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Was there ever any difference between a mammoth and a mastodon?

What can you say about hairy pachyderms? The poor creatures did not survive long enough even to have peanuts thrown at them at the zoo. Poor creatures. To most people, all hairy elephants look alike. They cannot tell a mammoth from a mastodon. But they were two different animals and the distinction could be important should you ever trip over a large chunk of ice containing one of these extinct mammals. Mastodons stood ten feet high and had straight tusks. The mammoth had curved tusks, an extra outer layer of hair, could reach a height of 15 feet. ***Neither the mastodon nor the mammoth spoke English, neither used a cell phone or lived long enough to symbolize the Republican Party.  (Source: THE HANDY SCIENCE ANSWER BOOK by The Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Research finds that horses remember faces, they remember friends, have “excellent memories” and can remember complex problem-solving strategies for ten years or more.  ***So if President Trump runs out of human beings willing to be in his cabinet, he can start interviewing candidates at Churchill Downs.

President Trump would like to create a new branch of the military, the “Space Force.”  ***And it’ll get started as soon as he can locate his first choice for Space Force commander, Buzz Lightyear.

The “Toronto Star” reports that Donald Trump has made 1,486 “false statements” (so far) since becoming president.  ***But to put it in perspective, that’s only 92 false statements per month, or just over three per day.  So really, not a big deal.

In South Carolina, a 75-year-old man was arrested for shoplifting two bottles of wine, gourmet mushrooms and hummus at a supermarket. When a deputy asked the man why he didn’t pay for the items, he said “he did not realize that he had to.” ***Does that excuse normally work for the guy?  If so, I’d start shopping at the Lexus dealership!

United Airlines has banned 50 types of dogs and cats from flights after several animal-related incidents. ***And if you don’t like their new policy, they’ll beat the tar out of you and drag you off the plane.

A journalist who once enjoyed 15-minutes of fame for throwing his shoe at President George W. Bush is running for president in Iraq.  ***He’s already considered a shoe-in.

In Scotland, a woman is battling a rare disorder that causes her to throw up at least 30 times a day.  ***And that’s without the help of Taco Bell or Chipotle!

While Roseanne Barr doesn’t mind telling the world she’s a Trump supporter, her ex-husband Tom Arnold is going to start in an anti-Trump documentary series, “The Hunt for the Trump Tapes With Tom Arnold.”  ***Wow – that sounds almost as anti-climactic as Geraldo and Al Capone’s vault.

The Natural History Museum in England has disqualified a participant in its Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition after determining that a photograph he submitted was staged using a stuffed anteater.  ***Well now – how is it the photographer’s fault that the anteater overate?

A postcard believed to have been sent by infamous serial killer Jack the Ripper has just sold at auction for $30,000.  ***So he was apparently also adept at highway robbery.

Elon Musk says he plans to announce the location for a new Tesla SUV factory by the end of the year.  ***The more difficult task will be finding a location for the new Tesla SUV dealership where people could actually afford to buy one.

Former “Law & Order: SVU” actress Diane Neal is running for congress in upstate New York. ***A celebrity running for political office?  That will NEVER happen!

Hawaii lawmakers have passed a bill that bans the sale of sunscreens containing chemicals believed to be harmful to coral reefs.  ***Question – why on earth would anyone be applying sunscreen to coral reefs?

The rate of a certain type of brain tumor has doubled over the past two decades and some researchers are pointing at the use of cell phones as the cause.  ***Although personally I blame reality TV.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A scientist in Transylvania has come up with a new artificial blood. ***Vampires are already arguing over whether it tastes great or is less filling.

What’s an extra inch in height worth? A study found it could mean up to $800 a year in extra income. Researchers found that tall people tend to earn more money and win more respect at work. They found a height advantage even in jobs where being tall isn’t a qualification — in other words, they didn’t just look at pro basketball players. Some good news for the non-tall: the researchers also said being short doesn’t appear to be a prohibitive disadvantage. Hard work, motivation and intelligence help bridge the gap. ***Taller means more money. This is exactly why I’m growing my hair longer so I can have a man bun.

According to research, our brains get rid of their waste while we sleep. ***In a related story, a majority of Congress suffers from insomnia.

You can pluck it. You can dye it. But you can’t beat it. Gray hair is genetic. That’s the word from an international group of researchers, who have identified the first gene linked with gray hair, called IRF4. A team at University College London conducted a genetic analysis of more than 6,000 Latin Americans of mixed ancestry to prove that genes determine if your hair will turn gray or not. This particular group was chosen because of its extreme diversity. The study said, “We already know several genes involved in balding and hair color, but this is the first time a gene for graying has been identified in humans, as well as other genes influencing hair shape and density.” ***So if you’re going gray, and you’re upset about it, yell at your mother.

According to a study, women who drink moderately are less likely to gain weight. *** This study has been brought to you by Ernest and Julio Gallo, AND by the makers of wine in a box!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear cancelled his checkers game with Sully so he could help out a friend’s bowling team who was short one player. Gruffy was doing well, in fact, he was doing very well! Finally it came down to the last ball, and it was all up to Gruffy… he had to get a strike or the team would lose the tournament!

CLOSE: That was great bowling by Gruffy – but now he has a dilemma. He already promised Sully that he’d play checkers tomorrow night. He’s already cancelled twice – and now he has decide whether or not to break his promise to Sully… again! What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Where you park makes a big difference!

In Allegany, New York, Stanley White was out cruising in his car when he decided to get something out of his trunk. So, he stopped in the middle of an intersection, hopped out and headed for the back of his car. Parking in the middle of an intersection was mistake number one. In the process of retrieving said item from the trunk, he managed to lose track of his keys. Mistake number two. Panicked, he flagged down a passing police car to help him look for them. Mistake number three. Officers arrested him for DUI after finding the keys right where he left them. In the keyhole of the trunk.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10) Cats’ facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

1) Other women.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Even in a life of crime, honesty can be the best policy.

FILE #1: Police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, recently stopped a vehicle for improper registration. This turned out to be worse news for one of the passengers in the car than it was for the driver. Knowing that he had several unpaid traffic tickets in another state, but not knowing if there was a warrant out for his arrest, the quick-thinking passenger gave the officer a false name when he was asked to identify himself. Alas, that false name he gave turned out to be someone who had a felony warrant for vehicular homicide. That was about the time he gave the police his real name, which came in handy when they arrested him on an obstruction charge.

FILE #2: Danny E. Morts pleaded innocent to loitering charges in Van Buren, Ark., and then saw an opportunity to escape. That he did, but his distinctive black-and-white striped jail uniform was attracting too much attention, so he ditched it. That didn’t fool an officer in pursuit, however. Morts “kind of stuck out,” a police spokesman said, since he was running down the street without any clothes whatsoever. He was quickly caught, and charged with escape and disorderly conduct.

FILE #3: This is the story of a security guard who was “supposed to be” guarding a cash filled warehouse in Fort Myers, Florida. No word on where he was at the time, but he allowed burglars to break in and make off with more than $3.3 million that was meant to store bank vaults. Brinks armored delivery service discovered the theft that apparently took place over the weekend and is reminiscent of a 1997 theft where the thieves got away with a cool $18.8 million.

STRANGE LAW: In the state of California it is illegal for a woman to drive while wearing a housecoat.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

18-year-old Matthew Rosenberg of Santa Cruz, California, called his mom on a cell phone to say he’d gotten lost while hiking in the mountains, tripped and broke his leg.

A $10,000 rescue effort was launched, and Matthew was located safe and sound. In fact, his leg wasn’t even broken. He’d apparently swallowed some hallucinogenic mushrooms and possibly dropped some acid, and just thought his leg was broken. The fire captain described him as “really gorked.” His dad said Matthew will be punished and “probably won’t get to use the car for a while.”  ***MARLAR: Oh, and HE will break Matthew’s leg.

PHONER PHUN

What event or person inspired you to go on a diet or get in shape? For me, it was getting winded by climbing a flight of stairs to the 4th floor and looking so bad that a young woman had to ask if I was okay. It was embarrassing – humiliating, actually. And that’s when I knew I was in the worst shape of my life. What event or person inspired YOU to do something about your health?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Fill in the blank: John the Baptist said, “Every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the _____.

ANSWER: Fire (Matthew 3:10)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A recent poll finds couples argue approximately 312 times per year. What was the #1 trigger to those arguments?

ANSWER: Stubble in the sink.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Jane Wilder was Ronald Reagan’s first wife. (False, it was Jane Wyman)

2. Teabags were first produced in 1718. (False, 1918)

3. Houdini was Hungarian-born. (True)

4. Frank Shuster, of Wayne and Shuster fame, had a cousin named Joe who created Batman. (False, he created Superman)

5. Before starring on the Canadian show “Check It Out!” Don Adams played TV character, Maxwell Smart. (True)

6. Martin Short is the great-grandson of Prime Minister Sir John Abbott. (False, Christopher Plummer is)

7. The Bird Flu Virus was mentioned on a radio program which created a national panic on October 30, 1938. (False, that was “War of the Worlds”)

8. The Abbott and Costello comedy team was famous for its “Who’s On First?” baseball routine. (True)

9. “Dallas” is the longest-running series in prime time TV history. (False, “Gunsmoke”)

10. In 1964, Radio Caroline started broadcasting its pirate signals on a converted ferry, just outside of Great Britain. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ : THE NEW SUPERFOOD! (TWINKIES)

Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of super foods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten super foods. Experts say super foods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.    They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes, filled with delectable cream, wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. So Dad came up with an idea. He picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”

“Sorry, There’s no one called Roger here.” The person hangs up.

Dad looks at his son and says, “That’s irritation.” He picks up the phone again, hits the redial to get the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

“No, there’s no one here called Roger. Please don’t call again.”

“That’s aggravation,” says Dad, looking at his son.

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time and says, “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”

JOKE #2

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, “Get the cat, and the tail, and we’ll take them to Wal-Mart.”

She was incredulous. “How could that possibly help?” she asked.

“Well,” he replied, “they’re the world’s largest retailer.”

JOKE #3

Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman chuckled and said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

USELESS FACTS

Here’s an idea American men could take from the men of Japan. A men’s group called the “Japan Doting Husbands Association” is trying to get workaholic Japanese men to give their wives some attention. They even started a website where husbands can write apologies to their wives. One wrote, “I’m sorry I had a car accident. I’m sorry I’m away so much on business trips. I’m sorry I end up sleeping at the office so often.” They also proclaimed one day last week as “Beloved Wives Day” and urged men to thank their wives and get home from work by 8 p.m. ***Those husbands that spent the least amount of time at home wrote things like, “I’m sorry I can’t remember your name.”

British scientists say they have created human embryos containing DNA from two women and a man in a procedure that researchers hope might be used one day to produce embryos free of inherited diseases. ***The downside is that for the child Mother’s Day shopping is twice as expensive.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LAWN MOWER FOR SALE

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I am a minister, I can’t go around cussing.  Besides, it’s been so long since I met Jesus, I’m not sure I’d even remember HOW to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The residents of Oak Lawn, Ill. apparently have a hard time understanding the ordinary STOP sign. So they decided to get creative.

They added extra signs underneath the Stop signs. The slogans including “and smell the roses,” “right there pilgrim” and “means you’re not moving.” While residents and the town’s mayor found them funny, the Illinois Department of Transportation was less than enthused. $1,700 worth of signs were pulled down. ***MARLAR: That’s too bad… it might’ve given people a reason to stop.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SEQUOIA TREES

Psalms 22:22 “…In the middle of the congregation I shall praise you.”

The Sequoia trees of California tower as much as 300 feet above the ground. Strangely, these giants have unusually shallow root systems that reach out in all directions to capture the greatest amount of surface moisture.

Seldom will you see a redwood standing alone, because high winds would quickly uproot it. That’s why they grow in clusters. Their intertwining roots provide support for one another against the storms. Suffering comes to all of us, and no one can suffer for us.

Even so, just like those giant Sequoia trees, we can be supported in those difficult times by the prayers and understanding of loved ones and friends within the congregation.

It’s when we are too proud to admit our needs to others, or isolate ourselves from Christian brothers and sisters, that we are in the greatest danger.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE MAN NOBODY MISSED

Read: 2 Chronicles 21:4-20

He reigned in Jerusalem eight years and, to no one’s sorrow, departed. —2 Chronicles 21:20

A man told me that his oldest brother had died. When I expressed surprise that I had not heard the news already, he said, “We never had it announced in any way. He cared about nobody and nobody cared about him.”

At first I was shocked by what I heard, and then I remembered a sermon I had read many years ago, titled, “The Man Nobody Missed.” In 2 Chronicles 21 we read about that man, King Jehoram. Early in his reign he killed all his brothers and other potential rivals. He led the nation in the worship of false gods, had a troubled 8-year reign, and died from a terrible, painful disease “to no one’s sorrow” (v.20).

It’s a sad story. Jehoram wasn’t missed when he died, because he had been a self-centered and godless person. The Bible gives Jehoram this short and tragic epitaph: “He did evil in the sight of the LORD” (v.6).

Let’s remember that the extent to which we care about our relationships—both with God and the people He has put in our lives—will determine how much we will be missed when we pass on. If we keep this in mind and live to please God and show love to others, we’ll be missed when we depart this earthly scene. —Herb Vander Lugt

One life for Christ is all I have,
One life for Him so dear,
One life for doing all I can
With every passing year. —Brandt

Make others happy wherever you go, not whenever you go.

LEFTOVERS

BEARY INTERESTING

(From a female listener of the show!) If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup. I wanna be a bear.

–Anna

LIFE… LIVE IT

Toilet seats are cleaner than your computer keyboard!
Bad news bacteria buffs — new research says many computer keyboards carry more harmful bacteria than the average toilet seat! A British consumer group said tests at its London offices found keyboards carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning and worse. Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harbored five times more germs than one of the office’s toilet seats. A microbiologist found that keyboard so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned. It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria. Dr. Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, said, “If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, believe it or not, it’s more or less a reflection of what’s in your nose and in your gut. Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you’re very likely to pick it up from a keyboard.” The researchers recommended a “spring cleaning” for your keyboard noting it’s quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard. (Ananova) ***MARLAR: Or if you’re in a pinch to clean your keyboard, you might try rinsing it in the toilet.

JUST FOR FUN

NEVER EVER DO THIS IN A JOB INTERVIEW

You’re looking for a new job, and you’re willing to do almost anything to get the hiring manager’s attention. Would you consider buying a first-class ticket just to sit next to the hiring manager on a transatlantic flight? Someone actually did that. Call such stunts creative. (Or crazy.) In the quest to secure gainful employment, some people have done some pretty bizarre things just to get attention. And this isn’t always a good thing. CareerBuilder.com and Harris Poll surveyed more than 2,000 hiring managers across all industries in companies large and small to find out the most unusual ways job candidates have attempted to stand out from the rest of the pack. Do note that in 100 percent of the cases cited below, the candidate did stand out — but not necessarily in a good way. Here are the top 10 off-the-wall tactics job seekers used to stand out, but not always for the right reasons:

1. Candidate had a priest contact the hiring manager and request that the candidate be hired.

2. Candidate bought a first-class upgrade to sit next to the hiring manager on a transatlantic flight.

3. During the month of October, candidate came dressed in a costume for Halloween.

4. Candidate’s wife made homemade lavender soap bars for the hiring manager as a thank you for taking the time to interview the candidate.

5. Candidate asked hiring manager to share an ice cream cone.

6. Candidate sent a pair of embroidered socks with a note saying he would knock the company’s socks off if hired.

7. Candidate showed up in his camp counselor attire with some of the children from the camp he worked for to show his leadership capabilities.

8. Candidate sent a shoe with a flower in it as a thank you after the interview. The note said: “Trying to get my foot in the door.”

9. Candidate mailed the hiring manager money in an envelope.

10. Candidate arrived to the interview in a white limousine an hour early and dressed in a three-piece suit. The open position was middle-wage and had a required dress code of khakis, company button-down shirt and black shoes.

If you want to stand out in a good way, do this:

  • Give concrete examples of how your past experience will benefit this organization.

  • Use social media to your advantage by tweeting, blogging and commenting about things you know will build up your credibility online.

  • Ask good questions. Your questions communicate to the interviewer what is most important to you. They can also position you as a solid candidate for the role and set you apart from the competition.

  • Showcase your numbers. Use as many facts and figures as you can to promote yourself.

  • Send a thank-you note. If you feel the interview has gone well and you want to continue pursuing the opportunity, let the interviewer know. Tell him or her you enjoyed the interview. Say you believe you can thrive in the role, and you are interested in exploring the next step.

FUN LIST

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from toilet, cat is enjoying this.)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Signed, the Dog

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

REASONS TO RUN AWAY FROM A JOB OPPORTUNITY

Here’s our list of six very good reasons to run from an interview process and invest your time in finding an organization that ‘gets’ you, rather than taking a job with one that never,ever will:

Your Time Means Nothing: If a job screeners asks if you can do an interview tomorrow, then maybe fly to New York the next day for a second interview – and if you can’t do it then you won’t be considered? Nice hiring plan! Only those job-seekers who can contort their personal (and business) lives into pretzel shapes will be acceptable to this hiring organization. How much respect for your personal life do you think these folks will show once they’ve got you on board?

It’s All About Us: One woman went to an interview and was asked questions for close to an hour. At the end of that time the interviewer asked ‘Do you have any questions?’ and the woman pulled out a list of questions she wanted to ask about the company.  The interviewer said, “Oh, I didn’t expect a whole list of questions. I’m sorry, we won’t have time to get to your questions today.” In other words, “No questions for you, missy!” Employers who believe that the only decision to be made in an interview pipeline is “Is this the right candidate?” forget that the job-seeker is an equal partner in the talent equation — and those me-first employers don’t deserve you.

No, You Can’t See That Document: Ask for a copy of the company’s employee handbook if you get to the second-interview stage. If the employer won’t give you a handbook to take home and read, get on the bus, Gus! Since the employee handbook is the very document that will define your working relationship with these folks, why on earth would they be hesitant to share it? That’s a bad sign. Don’t expect an open-minded, talent-focused organization when the early signs of baked-in bureaucracy are all over.

Meet the Team? Sorry, No Can Do: If you get the job you’re interviewing for, you’re going to be working with the people on your team for many hours a day, many days a week. Before you accept an offer, you’ve got to meet those people. If the boss is reluctant to let the inmates out of their cells long enough to meet you, run! Next time a new hire is in the pipeline, that could be you, chained to your desk. Employers who don’t respect the team members well enough to involve them in the hiring process don’t get to keep great people.

Prove It To Us: Everybody has to trust everybody when it comes to employer/employee relationships. Can you believe that an employer would say “You have to give us proof of what you earned at your last job?” If these guys don’t trust you, why should you trust them, or attach your sturdy brand to theirs.

Everything But the Offer: By the second interview at the same employer, the HR folks or your hiring manager should be able to tell you what the rest of the selection process will look like and roughly how long it will take. If the candidate-sorting process seems to stretch out endlessly before you, with a new gate being added every step of the way (“We’ve decided there are three more sales guys we want you to meet”) you are being played. Don’t stand for it, unless you’re ready to sign up to be somebody’s doormat.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you’re an adult who is at risk of developing high blood pressure, here’s an easy and fast way to nix that in the bud: Take a 10-minute walk. It turns out that four 10-minute walks spaced an hour apart are far more effective at keeping blood pressure lower throughout the day than a continuous 40 minutes on a treadmill, conclude researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington. Reuters Health reports that these short bursts of activity keep blood pressure low for three to four hours longer than a more time-consuming workout. ***Now if only I could find a way to bring my computer and microphone with me while walking…

Getting along with your co-workers dramatically boosts your lifespan. A 20-year study concluded that workers who do not get along with their fellow employees on the job have a whopping 140 percent greater chance of dying over the next two decades than those who get plenty of social support. The study underlines the importance having friends and a good social life are to health. And since so much time is spent on the job, having a supportive social network at the office is a key to better health. According to study head Dr. Sharon Toker at Israel’s Tel Aviv University, “We spend most of our waking hours at work, and we don’t have much time to meet our friends during the weekdays… Work should be a place where people get the necessary emotional support.”

Feeling a bit low right now?  Straighten up!  Slouching when you sit can send you into a funk. That is the conclusion of researchers who found that slumping sitters are more likely to be depressed than those with ramrod straight spines. Slouching when walking also promotes the blues, say the San Francisco State University scientists. These findings go along with previous studies that claim movement and exercise can keep you from getting down. The conclusions were based on a simple study. Researchers had 110 students walk down a corridor in a slouched pose, and then do it again except this time they were told to skip down the hallway. Afterward, they were asked to rate their energy levels. They reported feeling a drop in energy when slouching, while skipping gave them an energy boost. Also, the students who felt depressed reported lower energy levels following a slouched walk. Health Education Professor Erik Peper believes assuming a better body posture can actually boost mood. “It is very similar to the principle of ‘Fake it till you make it,'” he explains. “You can convince your body to have more energy.”

Your phone could tell you if you are clinically blue, a study from Northwestern University reveals. The more time people spent using their phone, the greater their odds of depression. They may be relying on the device as a way to withdraw, the scientists say. Sound like your MO? Find a counselor at locator.apa.org. (Men’s Health)

It’s not only your anniversary he may forget, but also a lot of other things. Men tend to be more forgetful than women, HealthDay News reports of a Norwegian study. “It was surprising to see that men forget more than women. This has not been documented before,” Jostein Holmen, a professor with the Norwegian University of Science and Technology in Trondheim, said in a statement released by the university. “It was also surprising to see that men are just as forgetful whether they are 30 or 60 years old. The resultswere unambiguous.” The research team asked 48,000 participants how well they remembered things, and men reported having poorer memories than did women. “We have speculated a lot about why men report more frequent problems with remembering than women do, but have not been able to find an explanation,” Holmen said. “This is still an unsolved mystery.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Talk about world’s coolest dad! In Ankeny, Iowa, a big send-off was held for members of the Koach All-Stars Cheerleading and Tumbling squad before they left for a national competition. During the event, all the young girl’s dads put on a surprise cheerleading routine and created a very hilarious and special moment for the kids. Well, all except for one little girl, Mikayla’s dad, who couldn’t participate because he is deployed in the Middle East on military duty. To show their support, the other dads all gave Mikalya a small American flag and a bouquet of flowers. Then suddenly a video started and it was Mikalya’s dad wishing his daughter good luck and then doing his own cheerleading routine with his military squadron. Needless to say it brought the house down. In the video her dad said, “Hey, Mikayla! I’m sorry I can’t be there with you, but I can’t wait to get home and see you!” (WHO-TV News)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The perfect crime may be the one that dazzles with its craftiness. In the upcoming American heist comedy film “Ocean’s Eight,” we’ll root for an expert band of thieves, technicians, and cons as they attempt to rob Las Vegas casino. In the real world, we’d dismiss these women as common criminals. Or would we? According to a recent paper in the journal Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Process, people are more forgiving of creatively executed misdeeds than they are of more conventional ones, at least as long as the transgression is relatively harmless. “A part of us admires the cheater’s creativity or cunning,” says study co-author Scott Wiltermuth, who researches unethical behavior at the University of Southern California. “Respect for the behavior can generalize to respect for the person.” In one study, people who cheated creatively were rated as more ethical than less artful cheaters. Wiltermuth plans to study this phenomenon in real world context, such as in criminal justice. (Psychology Today)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ve been thinking about eating more natural foods while I try to get into shape… but now I’m rethinking that plan, because I learned that most people die of natural causes.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard—This seems to be the year of the remake, whether in television or the movies.  “Overboard” was a 1987 hit with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn in which she was a spoiled rich girl and he the rugged guy. This time around, the roles are switched, and Anna Faris is the poor girl, while Eugenio Derbez is the spoiled rich kid of a mobster.  Anna is hired to clean the kid’s yacht, and he accidentally falls overboard, gets amnesia and Anna teaches him a few lessons about humility. “Overboard” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Samaritan—A thriller that centers on a valet/thief (Robert Sheehan) who chooses a certain house to rob, only to discover a woman held prisoner there and the owner (David Tennant) is none too pleasant about being robbed.  What to do? Rescue the girl or go to the police? “The Bad Samaritan” is rated R. No rating.

Son Of Bigfoot—An animated film in which a teenager (Pappy Faulkner) goes in search of his long, long lost father.  What he discovers is startling—Dad is actually Bigfoot!  Now, that would be a surprise. Dad is in hiding because an evil company wants his DNA for hair purposes.  “Son of Bigfoot” is rated PG. No rating.

MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party stars Melissa McCarthy in another comedy role., this time going back to college.

Breaking In is a thriller about rescuing hostages. Stars Gabrielle Union.

Terminal concerns crooks planning a robbery. Stars Max Irons.

Assassins Code is trying to solve a crime with a ghost. Justin Chatwin stars.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.