May 08, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:20150508

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

For every hour I’m on the air, I spend three hours preparing. Which is probably why I’m always too tired to do a decent show.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you… that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, and that he was raised on the third day according Scriptures. — 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

 

God has chosen you to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. — Colossians 1:27-28

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. — Luke 3:8

 

Thought: Grace is given to us as a free gift. It cannot be earned or merited. But salvation that does not move us out of our self-destructive and rebellious ways is counterfeit. Repentance is a life change. It is a realization that we have been going the wrong way on a one-way street. It is an acknowledgement that trying to guide our own lives is always going to end in disappointment, disaster, and death without Jesus being Lord of both our lips and our lives. We know that God’s grace is marvelous, but let’s also learn that his will is gracious. As we do, we will change our behavior to reflect the character of the Father who sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins!

 

Prayer: Loving and merciful God, I realize that you saved me from my past sins and also want to save me from the consequences of future sins by calling me to obedience. Please help me as I turn my life over to your will. Please strengthen me with your Spirit so that I may resist temptation and reflect your holiness. Bring to life in me the fruit that reflects your salvation and your character in me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 5:8 NIV = But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 08, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 232 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

NATIONAL STUTTERING AWARENESS WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: Either that or it’s National Stud Awareness Week and the guy who told me just had a speech impediment.

 

Today is NATIONAL TEACHER WEEK. ***MARLAR: Take this week to pay tribute to America’s edumacators.

 

Today is NO SOCKS DAY – a day to urge everyone to conserve laundry energy by not wearing socks. ***MARLAR: Or you can do what I do, and wear the same pair for a week.

 

Today is SENIORS DAY. ***MARLAR: Depending on your definition of a “Senior” you can either enjoy a discount meal at a local restaurant, or skip class.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Free Trade Day

National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day

No Socks Day

Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War

V E Day

World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross Day (Red Crescent Day)

Child Care Provider Day

Fintastic Friday Giving Shars a Voice

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, MAY 09

American Indian Day

Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Birthmother’s Day (Saturday before Mother’s Day)

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day

International Migratory Bird Day

Letter Carrier’s Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day

Mother Ocean Day

National Babysitters Day

National Miniature Golf Day

National Moscato Day

National Train Day

National Windmill Day

Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

Stay Up All Night

World Belly Dance Day

World Fair Trade Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 10

World Lupus Day

Mother’s Day

Mothers At The Wall Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day ***MARLAR: Known here as “Monday”.

Hostess Cupcake Day

Root Canal Appreciation Day ***MARLAR: Being celebrated by absolutely no one.

National Women’s Check-Up Day

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 12

International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13

Frog Jumping Day

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 14

Buddah Day

National Chicken Dance Day

The Stars and Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day

International Day of Families

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

International MPS Awareness Day

National Tuberous Sclerosis Day

Nylon Stocking Day

Peace Officer Memorial Day

Straw Hat Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

  1. Henry Pun-off Day

NASCAR Day

National Bike to Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1847: Robert W. Thompson patented rubber tires, which he called “air wheels.”

 

1884: U.S. President Harry Truman was born. ***MARLAR: Truman’s desk had a sign that said, “The Buck Stops Here.” Today that sign hangs over the door of the IRS.

 

1886: At Jacob’s Pharmacy in Atlanta, John Pemberton made the first batch of a new health tonic flavored with coca leaves. The mixture flopped as a tonic, but did pretty well as a soft drink called Coca-Cola.

 

1940: Son Eric Hilliard was born to Ozzie and Harriet Nelson of Teaneck, New Jersey. At 16 “Ricky” became an instant rock star when he sang “I’m Walking” on the family TV show in 1957. He died in a Texas plane crash in 1985. (audio clip)

 

1956: Alfred E. Neuman first appeared on the cover of Mad magazine. His slogan: “What, me worry?”

 

1958: U.S. Vice-President Richard Nixon was stoned, booed, and spat upon in Lima, Peru. ***MARLAR: I don’t know much about Peru etiquette though. That may actually mean that they like you.

 

1961: New Yorkers chose a name for their new National League baseball franchise. The “Mets” were born.

 

1968: Catfish Hunter pitched a perfect game in Oakland against Minnesota. Won the game 4-0. Only the ninth perfect game in major-league baseball history.

 

1970: The Beatles released the album ”Let It Be.”

 

1977: County Commissioners in Parker County voted Buck Naked, Texas, out of existence. They decided that Buck Naked’s road signs caused too many misunderstandings. ***MARLAR: And you know they had no tourism. Really, if you saw a sign saying, “Buck Naked, This Exit” – would you? Me neither.

 

1982: Veteran record producer Neil Bogart died of cancer at age 39. He had launched the careers of Kiss, Donna Summer, and Joan Jett.

 

1984: As “Happy Days” wound down its final season on ABC-TV, Joanie and Chachi got married and Fonzie filed papers to adopt a son. With Ron Howard and Anson Williams already gone, the series starred Henry Winkler, Tom Bosley, Marion Ross, Erin Moran, and Scott Baio. (audio clip)

 

1989: A 23-year-old University of Kansas student died from injuries suffered when a soft drink machine fell on him. He had rocked the machine after it took his money but didn’t release a drink. He was the 9th American killed by overturned vending machines in a 3-year period.

 

1990: The U.S. issued patent #4,922,921 for the Self Breath Tester, a plastic mask that allows you to smell your own exhaled breath. ***MARLAR: Isn’t that wife’s job?

 

1992: Fresh Prince Will Smith and songwriter Sheree Zampino were married.

 

1999: Tesco, Britain’s largest supermarket chain, began testing its lemon meringue pies, fruit tarts, and egg custards to make sure they were safe to throw at people. A new pie-flinging craze prompted the chain’s concern.

 

2001: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1373: English mystic Julian of Norwich receives 15 revelations (she received another the following day) in which she saw, among other things, the Trinity and the sufferings of Christ. She recorded her visions and her meditations on them 20 years later in her book The Sixteen Revelations of Divine Love.

 

1559: The Act of Uniformity receives Queen Elizabeth I’s royal assent, reinstating the forms of worship Henry VIII had ordered and mandating the use of the Book of Common Prayer (1552).

 

1603: The University of Leiden appoints Jacob Arminius, Dutch founder of an anti-Calvinist Reformed theology, professor of theology.

 

1828: Henri Dunant, founder of the Red Cross and the Young Men’s Christian Association, is born in Geneva. He won the first Nobel Peace Prize in 1901.

 

1845: The Southern Baptist Convention, one of the largest denominations in America, organizes inAugusta, Georgia.

 

1895: Roman Catholic archbishop and broadcaster Fulton J. Sheen is born in El Paso, Illinois. With his ABC shows “Life is Worth Living” and the “Bishop Sheen Program,” he became the most prominent American Catholic of broadcasting’s golden era.

 

1915: Henry McNeal Turner, the first black army chaplain in the United States, dies in Windsor, Ontario, embittered toward America for its racism. Many consider him to be the precursor of black theology for his statement, “God is a Negro.

 

1982: Billy Graham begins a Moscow crusade despite American President Ronald Reagan’s opposition.

 

1984: Benjamin Weit, a Presbyterian clergyman, is kidnapped in Beireut by members of a Palestine terrorist organization.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress Melissa Gilbert (“Little House on the Prairie”) 51 (audio clip)
  • Comedian Don Rickles (voice of Mr. Potato Head in the Toy Story movies) 89 (
    ,
    ,
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Robert Johnson

1933 : Billy Burnette (Fleetwood Mac)

1940 : Rick Nelson (born Eric Hilliard Nelson)

1940 : Toni Tennille (Captain & Tennille)

1941 : John Fred (John Fred and His Playboy Band)

1942 : Jack Blanchard

1943 : Danny Whitten (Crazy Horse)

1943 : Paul Samwell-Smith (The Yardbirds)

1944 : Gary Glitter

1951 : Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1951 : Chris Frantz (Talking Heads)

1953 : Alex Van Halen (Van Halen)

1964 : Dave Rowntree (Blur)

1972 : Darren Hayes (Savage Garden)

1975 : Enrique Iglesias

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do things appear darker when they’re wet?

Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right before your very eyes. If we hadn’t all seen it much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick. Since we have, it falls into the files of Secrets of the Universe! What causes this optical transformation is simple science. When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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An open request tweeted this week by Sidewalk Prophets guitarist Ben McDonald: Dear youth groups of America… please stop trying to clap along with ballads.

 

Rhett Walker just named my printer Bob Marley. Why, cause it keeps Jammin.

 

Another life milestone for Steven Curtis Chapman. His wife Mary Beth tweeted: Not sure what happened with time, but Shaoey just drove to school for Softball practice. Mary Beth added: On permit but still, didn’t she just come home yesterday? Shaoey is one of three daughters adopted by the Chapmans.

 

Fans of David Crowder have been having some fun placing his face in some unique locations. From Star Wars creatures to birds, photoshopped pictures of Crowder have been showing up on his facebook page. The latest is a rare photo of the elusive Texarkana Grizzly.  http://t.co/Y7umTPi5pU

 

The members of the Sidewalk Prophets say they are thinking of a number between 1-11,375,250,100 and they want you to guess what that exact number is. They tweeted this week: One guess per person… guess it right and an awesome surprise will follow. No word on what the surprise will be.

 

Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo says he finally got his garage cleaned out enough to park his vehicle. But he wasn’t quite fast enough. Jaun share the picture of his kids bikes parked in the newly cleaned up space in his garage.

 

The band Rend Collective is asking for your prayers. They announced this week: We’ve just had a lot of our equipment stolen including our laptop which we were recording our new album on. Months of work gone!

 

Kerrie Roberts is encouraging you to join the Red Thumb movement. She shared a site sponsored by Nissan that includes a pledge promising that you will put down your phone while you are driving. Kerrie says she has signed it and encourages everyone else to do the same.  http://t.co/cw7NK3MswG

 

Blanca was talking about hair this week. The former member of Group 1 Crew released her debut, self titled solo project on Tuesday. As part of the release week she shared openly that, for many years growing up, she hated her hair. Blanca said: I would ask my mom to put a relaxer in it or take me to the salon to get it straightened. All of my friends had long straight hair and I would feel like the odd ball out… But as I got older I realized that my hair made me unique and different; that it was the Real. Blanca said: When I learned to embrace it, I felt a whole new sense of confidence from within. I was learning to love who God made me to be!! Now, Blanca is challenging other artists to also take the Real True You challenge. Blanca says: Let’s spread some positively and authenticity across social media girls; no makeup or curls, just the real true you.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Japan zoo apologizes for naming newborn monkey Charlotte    photo
TOKYO (AP) — A Japanese zoo has apologized after receiving complaints over naming a baby monkey Charlotte for the newborn British princess. The Takasakiyama Natural Zoological Garden said Thursday it was considering renaming the macaque. It was flooded with angry calls and emails Wednesday…

 

Bank robbery suspect posts photo, video on Instagram
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) — A man accused of robbing a Virginia Beach bank posted two videos and a photo of the incident to his Instagram account. Police tell WAVY-TV (http://bit.ly/1EQDCNB) 23-year-old Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca walked into a TowneBank on Monday and handed the teller a note…
Authorities find fake skeletons in underwater lawn chairs    photo
CIENEGA SPRINGS, Ariz. (AP) — A man snorkeling in the Colorado River near the Arizona and California border was terrified — and later embarrassed — when he came across two fake skeletons sitting in lawn chairs about 40 feet underwater. The man reported the skeletons to the La Paz…
Teen who spray-painted prom invite on Idaho cliff sought    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Authorities are looking for a teen who wanted a date with Destiny and hoped to get it by spray-painting a prom proposal on an Idaho cliffside. HASH(0x140a3f0) The person could face a misdemeanor charge of injury by graffiti, which is punishable by up to six months in jail…
Activists ticketed for putting Snowden bust on NYC monument    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Two activists who put a bust of Edward Snowden on a Revolutionary War memorial were ticketed and got their confiscated sculpture back Wednesday, saying they felt the episode had sparked conversation about freedom. Jeff Greenspan and Andrew Tider had tried to stay anonymous…
Cowboys round up cattle after semi overturns on highway    photo
MAIZE, Kan. (AP) — A Kansas highway has reopened after cowboys helped round up cattle who escaped a semitrailer that had rolled over near Wichita. The Kansas Highway Patrol says Kansas 96 near Maize reopened about noon. It was closed when the truck crashed around 4 a.m. Wednesday northwest of…
Woman spread feces on co-worker’s chair, mouse; no jail time
WINCHESTER, Va. (AP) — A former Virginia lab worker has pleaded guilty to spreading contaminated feces on a co-worker’s computer mouse and desk chair, but she won’t see any jail time. The Winchester Star reports (http://bit.ly/1zMcYH1) that 31-year-old Andrea Edwards of Stephens City was…
Woman charged with running crack delivery service from truck
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) — With her four adult children watching, a Massachusetts woman has pleaded not guilty to running a crack cocaine delivery service from her pickup truck. Sixty-year-old Donna McLeod entered the plea Tuesday on the trafficking cocaine charge at her arraignment in…
Woman celebrates 21st birthday performing 21 kind acts
BRISTOL, Tenn. (AP) — A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness to people she had never met across the city of Bristol. The Bristol Herald Courier (http://bit.ly/1DRKNkL) reports Alexa Sexton and a few friends traveled across the city to complete the…
Koala pays late night visit to Australian hospital    photo
SYDNEY (AP) — Staffers at an Australian hospital’s emergency department received a rather unusual late night visitor — a koala. The marsupial casually strolled through the automatic doors of Hamilton Base Hospital in Victoria state at 3:30 a.m. on April 20, said Brigid Kelly,…
Sheriff: Woman held for driving wrong way while drunk, naked
GRANT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Michigan authorities say they arrested a naked drunken woman who was driving the wrong way after leaving her naked husband and their child at a rest stop. The Clare County sheriff’s department says 23-year-old Jessie Schwaub-Devault of Harrison left her husband…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

J&J seeks bioethics advice on compassionate use of drugs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Dying patients sometimes seek emergency access to experimental medicines, desperate for a last-chance treatment even if there’s little proof it could help. Now drug giant Johnson & Johnson is taking an unusual step, turning to independent bioethicists for advice on when to…

 

UN: Lowest number of new weekly Ebola cases in West Africa
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says the number of Ebola cases reported in Guinea and Sierra Leone last week dropped to 18, the lowest total this year. In an update published this week, the U.N. health agency said the situation was “encouraging” but noted officials are still…
Hospital efforts to save very premature babies vary widely    photo
They weigh as little as a pound yet force some of the toughest choices in all of medicine. Extremely premature babies face big differences in how hard hospitals try to save them, a study finds. It is the first major look in the U.S. at how preemies fare according to the care they get. There was a…
States watching Medicaid standoff between Florida, Obama
MIAMI (AP) — The Obama administration rebuffed Florida’s Gov. Rick Scott’s proposal to extend federal funds for hospitals that treat the uninsured, increasing the pressure on states that have refused to expand coverage for low-income people under the president’s health care law. The decision…
Using a smartphone microscope to detect parasites in blood    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Prick a finger and have the blood checked for parasites — by smartphone? Scientists are turning those ubiquitous phones into microscopes and other medical tools that could help fight diseases in remote parts of the world. In the newest work, University of California,…
Are bungled VA claims systemic? Senators want agency review    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Troubled by delays in handling veterans claims, a bipartisan group of senators on Wednesday urged a wide-scale, independent review of the Department of Veterans Affairs for mismanagement and changes to improve budgeting and speed up applications. A report released by nine…
EPA suggests triggers for warning of algae in drinking water    photo
TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. (AP) — The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency released the first nationwide guidelines Wednesday for determining when algal toxins have reached dangerous levels in public water systems and do-not-drink warnings might be needed. Up to 48 million people nationwide get…
Study aims to uncover why cancer plagues golden retrievers    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — If a golden retriever gives birth, gets stung by a bee or sprayed by a skunk, veterinarians want to know. Scientists are studying the popular breed to find out why their lifespans have gotten shorter over the years and why cancer is so prevalent. The Colorado-based Morris…
4 arrested in Connecticut synthetic marijuana investigation
WILLIMANTIC, Conn. (AP) — Police in Connecticut have arrested four people while investigating a batch of synthetic marijuana that sickened about a dozen people, including five who were hospitalized. Willimantic police say they arrested a dealer of “K2” synthetic marijuana and three buyers…
Striking Zimbabwean nurses refuse to work night shift
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Nurses in Zimbabwe are refusing to work the night shift in the southern African nation’s public hospitals and clinics in a nationwide strike over salaries. Striking nurses are demanding $150 for a weeklong shift, and have described the current pay rate of $3 for a…
Among Hispanics, Puerto Ricans seem to have worst health
NEW YORK (AP) — Among Hispanic groups in the United States, Puerto Ricans appear to have the worst health, according to a government report released Tuesday. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued its most comprehensive report on Hispanic health, drawing from earlier research….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A man in China was recently detained for stealing instant lottery tickets worth $6,500. The suspect was caught with more than 3,000 scratch-off tickets in his possession. Only half the tickets had been scratched.  ***MARLAR: And he had already won a whole two dollars!

 

The body that regulates Internet addresses is checking to see if it can crack down on a Canadian company accused of using the new “.sucks” domain name to extract exorbitant sums from celebrities and companies seeking to protect their public brands.  The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, on Thursday sent a letter to the U.S. Federal Trade Commission and Canada’s Office of Consumer Affairs to see if the actions of company Vox Populi Registry Ltd. are illegal.  ICANN initially approved of the so-called top-level domain name, among nearly 600 it has added recently to expand beyond common names such as “.com,” “.org” and “.us.”  But it is backtracking after an advisory panel made up of industry groups and companies like Microsoft, Verizon and eBay complained last month.  ***Hmm… DarrenMarlar.sucks. Yeah, I can see why someone might have a problem with that.

 

Imagine a world where eating chocolate makes you look younger. According to the Huffington Post, that dream could be a reality. Lycotec, a UK-based company with research ties to Cambridge University, has created something they call “Esthechoc.” It’s a 70 percent dark chocolate and researchers say it’s so potent that just one 7.5-gram piece of the chocolate packs the same anti-oxidant punch as 100 grams of regular dark chocolate or even 300 grams of Alaskan salmon. Creators say that, in a clinical trial of 50- to 60-years-olds, eating a piece of Esthechoc a day over three to four weeks boosted blood supply to the skin as well as reduced inflammation. They added that, “In terms of skin biomarkers we found it had brought skin back to the levels of a 20 or 30-year-old.”  ***MARLAR: Oh yeah – and you also get pimples like a 20-year-old too.

 

Burger King is paying the expenses and providing gifts for the wedding of an Illinois couple with an interesting connection to the fast food restaurant chain. According to the State Journal-Register, Joel Burger and Ashley King accepted the company’s proposal Monday. The couple has been known as Burger-King since they were in the fifth grade together, in New Berlin near Springfield. They announced their engagement this spring with a photo next to the sign at a local Burger King restaurant. The Burger-King nuptials will be held July 17 in nearby Jacksonville. ***MARLAR: We hear the price tag for this wedding is a real whopper.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

We’re getting close to your ‘sexy’ time of year, ladies. A survey found women feel their sexiest during the summer months. The happiest time of year for 83% of women is between June and August. Sunshine is being credited for bringing out the smiles.  ***MARLAR: On the women, at least.  The smiles on men are usually brought about by the bikinis on the women.

 

Want a big family?  Meet and marry someone at a family reunion. 

A study by the journal Science found that if you want a large family, marry a distant relative. Icelandic researchers examined the nation’s genetic records going back over 200 years and found that people who married their third and fourth cousins had more children than couples who were more distantly related. They think it might be that distant cousins are more biologically compatible. But they found no advantages in marrying your first cousin.  ***MARLAR: When cousins marry, they have more in common, like the same traditions, the same tastes, the same grandparents. . .

 

The #1 reason people fail on their diet, is simply people get tired of dieting, according to an About.com dieting survey. 40% said they get tired of dieting, while 22% said their diet didn’t allow favorite foods and 21% said their diet was too restrictive.  ***MARLAR: Amen to that.  I would’ve been fine on my diet if they’d allowed me to doctor up my Slim Fast with some double-chocolate chunk.

 

A study by Britain’s University of Durham found that the key to happiness is to be self-employed. On average, entrepreneurs work longer hours than corporate employees, make less money and worry more about the future. However, that is more than offset by their independence, flexibility of hours and time spent with their families, so they have greater job satisfaction and are less likely to want to retire in their 60s. ***MARLAR: Why retire when you’re already sitting at home in your underwear all day?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Energizer Bunny Battery”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “Thank Hell for Taco Bell”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Then Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Everyone is in jail because of Racquet the Skunk’s greed… and now they’re planning a prison break!

 

CLOSE: It’s about time Racquet finally admitted his faults and apologized, but all the animals are still in jail… and they’re planning a prison break! Will it work? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 09/10, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!

 

CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How often do you get to combine travel luggage and trash collecting? 

A man in Great Britain who has just returned from vacation has filed a suit after garbage collectors destroyed his luggage with over $3,000 worth of various valuables inside. The garbage collectors thought the bag was garbage. Phil Newbon said he left his baggage on the pavement fronting his home to talk with some friends. When he returned he was shocked to see his bag being crushed by grinders inside the garbage truck. Newbon said his bag contains his clothes, mobile phone, a GPS unit, digital cameras and gifts he brought for his family and friends.  ***MARLAR: People throw good stuff away all the time… you can’t blame the garbage collectors on this one.  The true inDUHvidual in this story is Phil.  He’s the one who left his baggage on the pavement, unattended… on trash day.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE AN ADULT

 

  1. You no longer WANT ice cream for breakfast. Even though you are allowed.

 

  1. You find that you’re annoyed by all those”punks”that block the Walmart parking lot on friday nights.

 

  1. Three things – loss of memory…the other two I forget.

 

  1. The Music IS too loud and you ARE too old…

 

  1. You own a stepladder or a lawnmower.

 

  1. You catch yourself saying things like “When I was a kid…”

 

  1. You read the obituary column every morning to see if there is anyone you know.

 

  1. You finally have two towels that match.

 

  1. When you were little, you hated the unjust distribution of power between teenagers and old people. Now, you don’t think that unjustness is such a bad thing.

 

  1. You have 7 or more kinds of insurance.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two criminals drive themselves to prison!

 

FILE #1: Two men escaped in a car after robbing a convenience store. Police were soon in pursuit, but had some difficulty catching up with the high speeding suspects. However, they were able to keep the suspects in sight. The chase lasted about 10 minutes and, then suddenly, it was all over. The suspects had turned down a one way street and crashed their car into a set of gates on a dead end road. Bizarre as it may seem, and very unfortunate for these wrong way dead end robbers, they had crashed into the gate of the STATE PRISON!  The two men were apprehended and later charged with armed robbery and numerous other charges related to the chase and crash. Each man is now serving a prison term in the very same state prison they crashed into.

 

FILE #2: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The teller asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.

 

FILE #3: In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana it’s against the law to gargle in public.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man calls the police to report he’s been robbed – but that’s not a wise thing to do when your brain is on drugs!

Kory C. Tippetts, 18, called police to report the theft of personal property.  When you’re the victim of a burglary, the first step is to report it to the police.  Which Kory did.  The next step is to be able to identify your property.  Which Kory could.  It seems that our boy had called police on Monday evening after he returned home and found that someone had broken a window, got cut on the glass, and crawled into the house.  In most burglaries the victim knows the perpetrator and so it was in this case.  Kory C. suspected a guy he knew, a guy he had in fact spoken to on the phone earlier in that day. Tippetts gave police the man’s name and officers found Richard W. Hight, 23, at his mother’s home in Provo. He had a cut on his arm and blood-soaked pants. Police also recovered six ounces of marijuana at the home.  Turns out, the theft that Kory reported was of a quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  The only thing missing was the quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  And he went down to the police station and identified the pot as his quarter-pound… that he was selling.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

A pretty straight-forward question… what’s the coolest thing you found at a garage sale?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What Phoenician city was home to Hiram, who helped construct Solomon’s temple?
ANSWER: Tyre (1 Kings 5: 1-11)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Which woman has appeared on the cover of Time magazine most?

ANSWER: The Virgin Mary

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Jack Benny’s valet shared a name with the New York city of Manhattan. (False, his name was Rochester)

 

  1. Jimmy Durante’s famous closing line was, “Good night Vietnam!” (False, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.”)

 

  1. The first commercial radio station in the U.S. was KDKA. (True – in Pittsburgh, PA)

 

  1. Richard Simmons was promoting a roller coaster ride when a bird flew into his face. (False, that was Fabio)

 

  1. The girl’s name Wendy didn’t exist until Peter Pan. (True)

 

  1. The Academy Award ceremonies were postponed in 1968. (True, for the funeral of Martin Luther King Jr.)

 

  1. Five years before winning her first Oscar, the 20-year-old actress, Hilary Swank starred in the title role of The Next Karate Kid. (True)

 

  1. The Oscar-winning Best Picture that has the longest title is “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”. (True)

 

  1. Oscar-nominated actor Chris Rock once worked as Bill Cosby’s stand-in on TV’s The Cosby Show. (False that was Samuel L. Jackson)

 

  1. Before taking over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno (temporarily, it turns out), Conan O’Brien had been at the “Late Night” desk for 10 years. (False, 16 years)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AFRO________ (AFRONAUTS)

The Zambian space program which began in 1960s is being “relaunched.”

In 1964, at the very height of the Space Race, Zambian grade-school science teacher Edward Makuka Nkoloso announced he was creating a national space program.

He claimed he would beat both the Soviets and the United States by launching a rocket that would send twelve astronauts and ten cats to Mars.

And now, with NASA shutting down, Zambia is getting back into the space race.  They will be launching their first manned spaceship this summer.

Nkoloso’s grandchildren have taken over his dream.  They have  set up a training facility seven miles away from the capital Lusaka, where volunteers dressed in overalls and British army helmets, took turns climbing into a 44 gallon oil drum and being rolled down a hill bouncing over rough ground.  Excellent training for future astronauts.

Another part of the training involves clipping their rope-swings at the height of their arc to simulate weightlessness. According to Adobo Nkoloso, these exercises  train the men in the feeling of weightlessness in both space travel and re-entry.

The afronauts also wrestle elephants – as a way to build strength.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money”, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a United States Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

 

JOKE #2

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ”es'”

 

JOKE #3

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
     LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
     LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
     LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a   good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By  now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
     LETTER 4: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

 

 

USELESS FACTS

44% of you will play hooky from work one day this summer to have fun in the sun reports a new survey. ***MARLAR: I got dibs on June 15th!

 

In Brooklyn, N.Y., a 38-year-old man was arrested and his arsenal of guns seized after he was spotted in a city park taking target practice at a photo of his mother-in-law. ***MARLAR: Happy Mother’s Day!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOTTA FLY

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How heavy of a sleeper are you? One woman slept through a car crashing at the foot of her bed!

Can you sleep through just about anything or does the most obscure and minute sound make you toss and turn? Meet Joanne and Mahlon Donovan of Derry, New Hampshire. Joanne is a heavy sleeper and Mahlon is not. They were sleeping when a speeding car drove through a neighbor’s yard, hit a knoll and vaulted into the air, before crashing down onto their home. In fact the car ended up landing in their bedroom coming to rest about a foot from their bed. Mahlon of course woke up when the smelled the exhaust blowing in his face and felt the sheet rock that buried him up to his head. Then he looked at Joanne, shook her to wake her up and told her they had company. She slept through the whole thing!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A STORY FOR MOM

When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you read the specification on this order? She has to be completely washable but not plastic. Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap the disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And 6 pairs of hands.

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “6 pairs of hands….no way.”

“It’s not the hands that are causing me the problems,” said the Lord, “It’s the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have.”

“That’s in the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to

know, and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when he goofs and say, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel touching his sleeve gently, “come to bed. Tomorrow . . . ”

“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a 9-year-old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this Mother can do or endure.”

“Can it think?”

“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?”

“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”

“You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LOOTING THE CAMP

READ: 2 Kings 5:15-27

Did not my heart go with you . . . ? Is it time to receive money and to receive clothing? —2 Kings 5:26

While visiting a US Civil War battlefield in Virginia, I was struck by a story about an army unit that arrived too late for a major battle. The troops had stopped to loot a camp abandoned by their enemy. By taking what they felt they needed, they could not accomplish their mission.

That seems to describe the failure of the prophet Elisha’s servant Gehazi, who sought money and clothing from Naaman, a Syrian military commander (2 Kings 5:20-25). Elisha told Naaman how to be cured of his leprosy, but he refused any gift or payment from him (v.16). Gehazi, however, decided to get something for himself (v.20). In a stinging rebuke, Elisha said to Gehazi: “Is it time to receive money and to receive clothing . . . ? Therefore the leprosy of Naaman shall cling to you and your descendants forever” (vv.26-27).

The desire for personal gain can be a snare in our service for the Lord. It may be the subtle lure of recognition or the fatal attraction of financial reward. Any motive that changes our focus from giving to God to getting from Him poses a real spiritual danger.

Greed makes us believe that we deserve what we desire. That leads us down the wrong road. May God give us the wisdom to avoid the sin of Gehazi.

—David C. McCasland

 

God’s riches fill up our supply,
Whatever we may need,
So we can then be generous,
And not controlled by greed.  —Sper

 

Live to give.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

IN MY DAY

Remember when your mom, dad, or grandparents would try to tell you how things were when THEY were growing up, and how they didn’t have any of the modern day stuff? Well, the Washington Post did a report and asked their readers to tell Generation X-ers how much harder they had it in the old days: They made a contest out of it, and here’s what the best ones were:

  • “In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.” (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
  • “In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station. Fortunately the base fare was only a dollar.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)
  • “In my day, we didn’t have Regis Philbin. Oh, wait. Yes we did.” (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
  • “In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.” (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
  • “In my day we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

“In my day, we didn’t have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.” (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
LIFE… LIVE IT

Do violent video games really cause calm people to become violent?

This seems hard to believe, but researchers now say that people who play violent games online actually feel relaxed afterwards. Develop Magazine surveyed 292 World of Warcraft players between the ages of 12 and 83 and found they were more likely to feel calm or tired after playing a round of the game. However, the results pretty much depended on personality type. If you were the high-strung type before playing, you’d still be amped up after. However, they did say the study disproves the theory that violent video games make peaceful people violent.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

WHAT IS ART?
What is art? Apparently anything an artist says it is!

British sculptor Elizabeth Wright commissioned four mechanics to dismantle a van, carry it into a living room and reassemble it and it’s called art. The 35-year-old Wright says, “All my work is to do with the everyday. I’m using everyday objects. Somehow through repositioning or remaking them, I explore their meaning and how we classify objects.”  ***MARLAR: Wright has entitled her work “Honey, I parked the van in the living room!”

 

 

FUN LIST

WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY

  • To be able to eat a whole candy bar, alone
  • To be able to drink a Coke without any “floaters” from the kids
  • To have a 14 year-old answer a question without rolling eyes
  • To take her toddlers on a plane without someone moaning, “Oh, no! Why me?”
  • To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions
  • To get five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty pounds of fat
  • To take a shower without a child peeking through the curtain
  • To hire a full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt
  • To have her teenager say, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
  • To shop at a grocery store that doesn’t have candy and cheap toys at the checkout line
  • To have Fisher Price come out with a Play Prison

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Ring Around the Collar

The current season of the popular television show Survivor developed a new team theme. Cast members were recruited and divided up into the categories to match their “fit” in the workplace. The so-called white collars were used to giving the orders, blue collars taking the orders, and “no collars” claimed to be carefree spirits not fitting in with either group.
As a television show, audience had the stereotypes reinforced in the earliest episodes. The blue collar team perceived themselves as hard workers and “grunts on the ground,” willing to do whatever was necessary in the wild. The white collar team couldn’t manage to get a fire going, an essential for cleaning, cooking, and so forth. The carefree group wasn’t worried about who was in charge or when things got done. With their fire started, they preferred to take it easy. You get the picture.
Just in as in real life, misconceptions abound. White collars proved quite capable in physical challenges. Blue collars had to make hard decisions and think ahead. And the carefree world of no collars found tension and emotional baggage in struggling to play the game.
Survivor is about winning a million dollars. Strategy, power, and politics play out everywhere. As people are voted off and teams merge, new social maneuvers must be developed and new alliances created.
So what are the real differences between white collar and blue collar and no collar types? I believe much of it is centered in the power to make decisions and live a lifestyle of your preference. Thus, the real color of your collar may have a green tint: money.
As it’s commonly known, when management wants you to perform, it comes down to two things: more money and/or more power. Remove those, and you diminish perceived “collar” value as well.
Two events in sports over the past weekend provide an interesting illustration.
The NFL Draft was held in Chicago. Our city became Draft Town. In a period of three days, a large group of hard working, dirt churning, sweat generating muscle men transitioned from “blue collar” life into millionaires. While they will remain “under the thumb” of coaches and management, control over their lives made a huge leap.
The second event was the highly promoted boxing match of welterweights on Saturday night. A 38-year-old fighter, Floyd Mayweather Jr, defeated the 36-year-old Manny Pacquiao. The decision was unanimous.
Boxing is hard work. I mean REALLY hard work. The training would kill most of us. The actual fight would kill the rest. So you have to have a LOT of blue collar work ethic to win. And you have to be really good…to make a living.
The fight brought in an estimated $300 million. The Mayweather contract required him to receive 60 percent, win or lose. Let’s just say he won’t have to worry about the price of Jelly Bellies in the days ahead.
So as Mayweather takes the gloves off, do any labels come off? Is he a blue collar guy, or is he now white collar? Or no collar? He could buy his own franchise or start a thousand companies where he’s the boss. In the case of both fighters, money has given them leverage over life.
For these new NFL draftees and those boxing professionals, their success came after hard work and listening to tough taskmasters. All true athletes know success requires regimen and training, discipline and following orders. So do military men and women.
There is more to say on this topic, which I will address in my blog two weeks from now, Lord willing.
In the meantime, here is another tip from a “spiritual leadership consultant” known as Peter. He writes, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18, ESV)
Ruminate on that for a while. And then we’ll get back together for Round 2 in a couple of weeks.
Ding! There goes the bell.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CONGRESS EXAMINES THE ISSUE OF MOTHER’S DAY (SOME HISTORY)

Ironically, the United States Senate actually voted against Mother’s Day in 1908. According to research, some senators noted that, “We might as well have a Father’s Day or a Grand father’s Day or a Mother-in-Law’s Day.” But the following year, Anna M. Jarvis began the tradition of a Mother’s Day church service and persuaded the city fathers in Philadelphia to hold a citywide Mother’s Day observance. By 1912,West Virginia made Mother’s Day a state holiday, with Oklahoma, Washington, Pennsylvania and other states following suit. In 1914, the senate changed its mind, and in May 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a joint congressional resolution calling mothers “The greatest source of the country’s strength and inspiration.” Anna M. Jarvis died in 1948, penniless and sightless in a Philadelphia sanitarium, having devoted the last part of her life and most of her fortune to promoting Mother’s Day.

 

 

IN HONOR OF MOM… Things I’ve learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  • If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
  • Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

 

 

IN HONOR OF MOM… HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE READY FOR KIDS??

  • MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
  • TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
  • GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
  • DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
  • FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
    Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
  • NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
  • INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
  • AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
  • PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
  • PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
  • FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Updated every Monday! Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous!

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! You’ve heard the phrase, “Take a Bite Out Of Crime”, well that’s exactly what a Boston police dog did and the man that he took the bite out of has successfully sued the dog and the police force.

…”Shadow” the police dog was only doing what he had been trained to do, he helped Patrolman Peter McClelland arrest a suspect. Jerome Jarrett fled on foot after being pulled over for driving unlicensed and uninsured. The chase ended with Shadow biting Jarrett’s right knee. Now, a jury has ordered the Yarmouth Police Department to pay $50,000 in attorney’s fees to the man because “the department has tolerated excessive force in its K-9 unit.”

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

The oldest living World War II veteran will turn 109 years old Monday, but he already has a head start with celebrations. According to ABC News, Richard Overton’s friends and family threw him a birthday bash Sunday in Austin, Texas. When asked for the secrets to his longevity, Overton, who has outlived two wives and has been single for about 30 years, said he has none. Overton did say: “That’s what God only knows. That’s God’s work. He’s the one who keeps me living.”

http://abcn.ws/1DSoNX4

 

Two men quoted the Bible from memory to raise money for charity to benefit the earthquake recovery in the Asian nation of Nepal. According to the Christian Post, Tom Meyer and Jason Nightingale of Wordsowers International began their marathon memorized recitation of the Bible at noon Wednesday and concluded at the same time today (Thursday). The event was held at Shasta Bible College in Redding, California, and was live-streamed by the academic institution. Meyer said “100 percent of the funds go to Nepal” and “donations can be made online at www.wordsower.org.”

http://www.christianpost.com/news/two-men-quote-the-bible-from-memory-in-24-hour-marathon-to-raise-money-for-nepal-138688/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

REAL MOTHERS….

  • Real mothers don’t eat quiche, they don’t have time to make it.
  • Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
  • Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids.
  • Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
  • Real mothers don’t want to know what the vaccuum just sucked up.
  • Real mothers sometimes ask “why me?’ and get their answer when a little voice says “because I love you best”.
  • Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years of grade…It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 08, 2015…

 

Hot Pursuit—Reese Witherspoon is a police officer and rather soft at heart. She is supposed to protect Sofia Vergara (former wife of a crook) from bad guys. Trouble is, everyone wants Sofia and the two go on the run (remember the team of Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock who were both police officers), and this buddy-picture continues. The cast includes Richard I. Jones and Michael Mosley. “Hot Pursuit” is rated PG 13. No rating and go back and see “Wild” again.

 

Lambert & Stamp (opening in select cities)—Documentary directed by James D. Cooper. It is about early filmmakers  Chris Stamp and Kit Lambert finding things for their rock movie, and in doing so, discovered and worked with the rock group, The Who. “Lambert & Stamp” is not rated. Of interest to rock fans.

 

The D Train—Jack Black decides to plan the 20th class reunion.  How to get people to attend?  He asks the guy (James Marsden) who was the most popular man in the class at that time, to attend and help.  Things don’t always go as planned in this comedy Also in the cast is Jeffrey Tambor. “The D Train” is rated R. No rating.

 

Dior and I (opening in select cities)—A documentary about Raf Simons, who with eight weeks to go, took over the reins of the House of Dior and was expected to put on a Haute Couture fashion show. Talk about stress!  Besides Simons, there is Anna Wintour, and movie stars Jennifer Lawrence and Sharon Stone. “Dior and I”  is not rated. Rating of 2 for fashion fans.

 

I Am Big Bird (opening in select cities)—Documentary about the man (Caroll Spinney) who has played the popular Sesame Street character from the first day. Yes, he is over 80 years old and still going strong. What stories to tell. Guest appearances are by Bill Henson and Frank Oz, plus directed by Dave LaMattina and Chad Walker. “I Am Big Bird” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.

 

MAY 15, 2015…

 

Pitch Perfect 2 follows the exploits of the Bellas as they try to win yet another music competition. Stars Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson

 

Mad Max: Fury Road takes us back to the “Mad Max” era and this time Tom Hardy has the Max role with Charlize Theron as a friend and Nicholas Hoult as the enemy.

 

Animals (opening in select cities) is a film about drug addiction and stars David Dastmalchian and Kim Shaw.

 

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