May 08, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180508
PDF: 20180508

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

For every hour I’m on the air, I spend three hours preparing. Which is probably why I’m always too tired to do a decent show.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The best and only safe road to honor, glory, and true dignity is justice.” – George Washington

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you… that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, and that he was raised on the third day according Scriptures. — 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

God has chosen you to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. — Colossians 1:27-28

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. — Luke 3:8

Thought: Grace is given to us as a free gift. It cannot be earned or merited. But salvation that does not move us out of our self-destructive and rebellious ways is counterfeit. Repentance is a life change. It is a realization that we have been going the wrong way on a one-way street. It is an acknowledgement that trying to guide our own lives is always going to end in disappointment, disaster, and death without Jesus being Lord of both our lips and our lives. We know that God’s grace is marvelous, but let’s also learn that his will is gracious. As we do, we will change our behavior to reflect the character of the Father who sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins!

Prayer: Loving and merciful God, I realize that you saved me from my past sins and also want to save me from the consequences of future sins by calling me to obedience. Please help me as I turn my life over to your will. Please strengthen me with your Spirit so that I may resist temptation and reflect your holiness. Bring to life in me the fruit that reflects your salvation and your character in me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 5:8 NIV = But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 08, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
230 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL STUTTERING AWARENESS WEEK begins today. ***Either that or it’s National Stud Awareness Week and the guy who told me just had a speech impediment.

Today is NATIONAL TEACHER WEEK. ***Take this week to pay tribute to America’s edumacators.

Today is NO SOCKS DAY – a day to urge everyone to conserve laundry energy by not wearing socks. ***Or you can do what I do, and wear the same pair for a week.

Today is SENIORS DAY. ***Depending on your definition of a “Senior” you can either enjoy a discount meal at a local restaurant, or skip class.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Free Cone Day (Haagen-Dazs)
Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Teacher Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 09

Bike To School Day
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Moscato Day
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Sleepover Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day

THURSDAY, MAY 10

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

FRIDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

SATURDAY, MAY 12

American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Limerick Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Dog Mom’s Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
National Windmill Day
Native American Rights Day
Odometer Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
Mother’s Day
Mother’s At The Wall Day

MONDAY, MAY 14

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

TUESDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
International MPS Awareness Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
National Slider Day (the food)
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

ON THIS DAY

1847: Robert W. Thompson patented rubber tires, which he called “air wheels.”

1884: U.S. President Harry Truman was born. ***Truman’s desk had a sign that said, “The Buck Stops Here.” Today that sign hangs over the door of the IRS.

1886: At Jacob’s Pharmacy in Atlanta, John Pemberton made the first batch of a new health tonic flavored with coca leaves. The mixture flopped as a tonic, but did pretty well as a soft drink called Coca-Cola.

1940: Son Eric Hilliard was born to Ozzie and Harriet Nelson of Teaneck, New Jersey. At 16 “Ricky” became an instant rock star when he sang “I’m Walking” on the family TV show in 1957. He died in a Texas plane crash in 1985. (audio clip)

1956: Alfred E. Neuman first appeared on the cover of Mad magazine. His slogan: “What, me worry?”

1958: U.S. Vice-President Richard Nixon was stoned, booed, and spat upon in Lima, Peru. ***I don’t know much about Peru etiquette though. That may actually mean that they like you.

1961: New Yorkers chose a name for their new National League baseball franchise. The “Mets” were born.

1968: Catfish Hunter pitched a perfect game in Oakland against Minnesota. Won the game 4-0. Only the ninth perfect game in major-league baseball history.

1970: The Beatles released the album ”Let It Be.”

1977: County Commissioners in Parker County voted Buck Naked, Texas, out of existence. They decided that Buck Naked’s road signs caused too many misunderstandings. ***And you know they had no tourism. Really, if you saw a sign saying, “Buck Naked, This Exit” – would you? Me neither.

1982: Veteran record producer Neil Bogart died of cancer at age 39. He had launched the careers of Kiss, Donna Summer, and Joan Jett.

1984: As “Happy Days” wound down its final season on ABC-TV, Joanie and Chachi got married and Fonzie filed papers to adopt a son. With Ron Howard and Anson Williams already gone, the series starred Henry Winkler, Tom Bosley, Marion Ross, Erin Moran, and Scott Baio. (audio clip)

1989: A 23-year-old University of Kansas student died from injuries suffered when a soft drink machine fell on him. He had rocked the machine after it took his money but didn’t release a drink. He was the 9th American killed by overturned vending machines in a 3-year period.

1990: The U.S. issued patent #4,922,921 for the Self Breath Tester, a plastic mask that allows you to smell your own exhaled breath. ***Isn’t that wife’s job?

1992: Fresh Prince Will Smith and songwriter Sheree Zampino were married.

1999: Tesco, Britain’s largest supermarket chain, began testing its lemon meringue pies, fruit tarts, and egg custards to make sure they were safe to throw at people. A new pie-flinging craze prompted the chain’s concern.

2001: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1373: English mystic Julian of Norwich receives 15 revelations (she received another the following day) in which she saw, among other things, the Trinity and the sufferings of Christ. She recorded her visions and her meditations on them 20 years later in her book The Sixteen Revelations of Divine Love.

1559: The Act of Uniformity receives Queen Elizabeth I’s royal assent, reinstating the forms of worship Henry VIII had ordered and mandating the use of the Book of Common Prayer (1552).

1603: The University of Leiden appoints Jacob Arminius, Dutch founder of an anti-Calvinist Reformed theology, professor of theology.

1828: Henri Dunant, founder of the Red Cross and the Young Men’s Christian Association, is born in Geneva. He won the first Nobel Peace Prize in 1901.

1845: The Southern Baptist Convention, one of the largest denominations in America, organizes inAugusta, Georgia.

1895: Roman Catholic archbishop and broadcaster Fulton J. Sheen is born in El Paso, Illinois. With his ABC shows “Life is Worth Living” and the “Bishop Sheen Program,” he became the most prominent American Catholic of broadcasting’s golden era.

1915: Henry McNeal Turner, the first black army chaplain in the United States, dies in Windsor, Ontario, embittered toward America for its racism. Many consider him to be the precursor of black theology for his statement, “God is a Negro.

1982: Billy Graham begins a Moscow crusade despite American President Ronald Reagan’s opposition.

1984: Benjamin Weit, a Presbyterian clergyman, is kidnapped in Beireut by members of a Palestine terrorist organization.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress Melissa Gilbert (“Little House on the Prairie”) 54 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Robert Johnson

1933 : Billy Burnette (Fleetwood Mac)

1940 : Rick Nelson (born Eric Hilliard Nelson)

1940 : Toni Tennille (Captain & Tennille)

1941 : John Fred (John Fred and His Playboy Band)

1942 : Jack Blanchard

1943 : Danny Whitten (Crazy Horse)

1943 : Paul Samwell-Smith (The Yardbirds)

1944 : Gary Glitter

1951 : Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1951 : Chris Frantz (Talking Heads)

1953 : Alex Van Halen (Van Halen)

1964 : Dave Rowntree (Blur)

1972 : Darren Hayes (Savage Garden)

1975 : Enrique Iglesias

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do things appear darker when they’re wet?

Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right before your very eyes. If we hadn’t all seen it much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick. Since we have, it falls into the files of Secrets of the Universe! What causes this optical transformation is simple science. When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A guy in India thought it would be fun to get a selfie with a bear… and was mauled to death.  ***Yeah – he’s the only one who DIDN’T see that one coming.  Even there bear was like, “Dude… really?”

In Italy, a lovesick guy stole an ambulance so he could serenade his girlfriend with its siren. Police say he jumped into the ambulance, turned on the siren and sang romantic love songs to his girlfriend until the neighbors called about the noise. ***We’ve really come a long way from boom boxes and Peter Gabriel, haven’t we?

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling apologized for killing the character Dobby the House Elf in Book 7.  ***I’m not sure how sorry she really is though – she gave the apology while rolling around in a giant bed made of money.

The N.S.A. collected over 500-million phone calls last year, triple what it did in 2016.  ***So you can be outraged that they’re listening in on even more of your phone calls – or you can congratulate them for listening in on even more of your phone calls.

In Oregon, a horse is suing its owner for $100,000, seeking damages for neglect.  It’s actually the Animal Legal Defense Fund bringing the lawsuit on behalf of the horse, so not as strange as it sounds from the headline.  Ironically, the name of the horse is Justice.  ***The lawsuit is taking a long time – when asked how much money the horse was suing for, he had to knock the ground with his hoof one-hundred-thousand times.

In Aurora, Colorado, police ticketed 26-year-old Angelique Sanchez for allegedly damaging a 7-Eleven microwave by heating up urine inside it, which caused the urine to explode. Apparently, Sanchez thought microwaved urine would help her pass a drug test for a future job she was applying for.  The police report shows the 7-Eleven clerk called police after hearing a “loud bang” a few seconds after Sanchez placed something in the microwave. The clerk told police Sanchez looked at the microwave and walked out the door, and then the clerk noticed yellow liquid “dripping from the microwave and the smell was unquestionably urine.” A background check revealed Sanchez has been arrested several times and convicted of theft.  ***And now, I’d think, charged with urinating in public.

Meghan Markle’s estranged half-brother has written an extraordinary open letter to Prince Harry, in which he urges the groom-to-be to call off the royal wedding.  ***Because the one person in the world you know you’ll get an unbiased opinion from is someone described as “estranged half-brother”.

Twitter says that 350-million passwords were stolen, so if you haven’t changed yours lately, now would be a good time. ***Instead of a password of 12345, you might want to change it to 54321.  No one will ever figure that out.

President Trump is going to appoint Patriots coach Bill Belichick to his sports council.  ***Wait a minute… the President of the United States has a SPORTS COUNCIL?!?!  Go ahead, tell me government is not too big and overly invasive in our lives.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Scientists predict that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030. ***For once in my life I’m AHEAD of the curve!

If you want to be happier, cancel your Facebook account. That’s the conclusion from a Danish think tank that insists quitting Facebook will not only make you happier, but also less angry, less sad and less worried. The Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, Denmark, found that after only seven days away from Facebook, those users reported feeling happier, less sad, less worried, less angry and less depressed. ***For more information, you can read the whole article on my Facebook page.

Want another reason not to drive while tired? According to a survey by AAA in Washington D.C., nine out of 10 police officers have thought a driver was drunk when really the motorist was overtired. ***Officers will now ask if you’ve been drinking or if you need a nappy-poo.

English teachers are shaking their heads in dismay. Only 43 percent of U.S. adults read at least one work of literature last year — that is, novels, short stories, poetry or plays — marking a three-decade low, according to a report from the National Endowment for the Arts. It is “the long, steady decline of literary reading,” laments The Washington Post. The NEA has been tracking adult reading and arts participation since 1982, when the literature reading rate was an impressive 57 percent. The survey “counts” only those books read for pleasure and not because they were required for work or school. In an attempt to capture the broadest possible range of leisure reading, there was also no distinction made between physical books and books read on e-readers, such as the Amazon Kindle. ***We DO read tweets though – and spend a lot of time on Instagram. How about you create pretty pictures of “War And Peace” and send out the entire novel 280 characters at a time?

A study finds that people who use AOL email give the most money to political campaigns. ***Because they have a lot of disposable income from not spending money on anything other than dial-up. Seriously – who uses AOL email anymore?!?!?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was helping out a friend’s bowling team by filling in for an absent player. He was bowling well… so well in fact that he threw three strikes in a row to win the game and move on to the next round! Unfortunately, that would mean he’d have to cancel his checkers game with Sully… for the third time!

CLOSE: Boy, Sully sure is being understanding about all of this. This is the third time that Gruffy has postponed their checkers game! But it’s great to hear Gruffy is doing so well at the bowling alley! Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How often do you get to combine travel luggage and trash collecting? 

A man in Great Britain who has just returned from vacation has filed a suit after garbage collectors destroyed his luggage with over $3,000 worth of various valuables inside. The garbage collectors thought the bag was garbage. Phil Newbon said he left his baggage on the pavement fronting his home to talk with some friends. When he returned he was shocked to see his bag being crushed by grinders inside the garbage truck. Newbon said his bag contains his clothes, mobile phone, a GPS unit, digital cameras and gifts he brought for his family and friends.  ***MARLAR: People throw good stuff away all the time… you can’t blame the garbage collectors on this one.  The true inDUHvidual in this story is Phil.  He’s the one who left his baggage on the pavement, unattended… on trash day.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE AN ADULT

10. You no longer WANT ice cream for breakfast. Even though you are allowed.

9. You find that you’re annoyed by all those”punks”that block the Walmart parking lot on friday nights.

8. Three things – loss of memory…the other two I forget.

7. The Music IS too loud and you ARE too old…

6. You own a stepladder or a lawnmower.

5. You catch yourself saying things like “When I was a kid…”

4. You read the obituary column every morning to see if there is anyone you know.

3. You finally have two towels that match.

2. When you were little, you hated the unjust distribution of power between teenagers and old people. Now, you don’t think that unjustness is such a bad thing.

1. You have 7 or more kinds of insurance.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two criminals drive themselves to prison!

FILE #1: Two men escaped in a car after robbing a convenience store. Police were soon in pursuit, but had some difficulty catching up with the high speeding suspects. However, they were able to keep the suspects in sight. The chase lasted about 10 minutes and, then suddenly, it was all over. The suspects had turned down a one way street and crashed their car into a set of gates on a dead end road. Bizarre as it may seem, and very unfortunate for these wrong way dead end robbers, they had crashed into the gate of the STATE PRISON!  The two men were apprehended and later charged with armed robbery and numerous other charges related to the chase and crash. Each man is now serving a prison term in the very same state prison they crashed into.

FILE #2: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The teller asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.

FILE #3: In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana it’s against the law to gargle in public.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man calls the police to report he’s been robbed – but that’s not a wise thing to do when your brain is on drugs!

Kory C. Tippetts, 18, called police to report the theft of personal property.  When you’re the victim of a burglary, the first step is to report it to the police.  Which Kory did.  The next step is to be able to identify your property.  Which Kory could.  It seems that our boy had called police on Monday evening after he returned home and found that someone had broken a window, got cut on the glass, and crawled into the house.  In most burglaries the victim knows the perpetrator and so it was in this case.  Kory C. suspected a guy he knew, a guy he had in fact spoken to on the phone earlier in that day. Tippetts gave police the man’s name and officers found Richard W. Hight, 23, at his mother’s home in Provo. He had a cut on his arm and blood-soaked pants. Police also recovered six ounces of marijuana at the home.  Turns out, the theft that Kory reported was of a quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  The only thing missing was the quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  And he went down to the police station and identified the pot as his quarter-pound… that he was selling.

PHONER PHUN

A pretty straight-forward question… what’s the coolest thing you found at a garage sale?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What Phoenician city was home to Hiram, who helped construct Solomon’s temple?
ANSWER: Tyre (1 Kings 5: 1-11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Which woman has appeared on the cover of Time magazine most?

ANSWER: The Virgin Mary

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Jack Benny’s valet shared a name with the New York city of Manhattan. (False, his name was Rochester)

2. Jimmy Durante’s famous closing line was, “Good night Vietnam!” (False, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.”)

3. The first commercial radio station in the U.S. was KDKA. (True – in Pittsburgh, PA)

4. Richard Simmons was promoting a roller coaster ride when a bird flew into his face. (False, that was Fabio)

5. The girl’s name Wendy didn’t exist until Peter Pan. (True)

6. The Academy Award ceremonies were postponed in 1968. (True, for the funeral of Martin Luther King Jr.)

7. Five years before winning her first Oscar, the 20-year-old actress, Hilary Swank starred in the title role of The Next Karate Kid. (True)

8. The Oscar-winning Best Picture that has the longest title is “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”. (True)

9. Oscar-nominated actor Chris Rock once worked as Bill Cosby’s stand-in on TV’s The Cosby Show. (False that was Samuel L. Jackson)

10. Before taking over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno (temporarily, it turns out), Conan O’Brien had been at the “Late Night” desk for 10 years. (False, 16 years)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AFRO________ (AFRONAUTS)

The Zambian space program which began in 1960s is being “relaunched.”

In 1964, at the very height of the Space Race, Zambian grade-school science teacher Edward Makuka Nkoloso announced he was creating a national space program.

He claimed he would beat both the Soviets and the United States by launching a rocket that would send twelve astronauts and ten cats to Mars.

And now, with NASA shutting down, Zambia is getting back into the space race.  They will be launching their first manned spaceship this summer.

Nkoloso’s grandchildren have taken over his dream.  They have  set up a training facility seven miles away from the capital Lusaka, where volunteers dressed in overalls and British army helmets, took turns climbing into a 44 gallon oil drum and being rolled down a hill bouncing over rough ground.  Excellent training for future astronauts.

Another part of the training involves clipping their rope-swings at the height of their arc to simulate weightlessness. According to Adobo Nkoloso, these exercises  train the men in the feeling of weightlessness in both space travel and re-entry.

The afronauts also wrestle elephants – as a way to build strength.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money”, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a United States Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

JOKE #2

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ”es'”

JOKE #3

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a   good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By  now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

USELESS FACTS

44% of you will play hooky from work one day this summer to have fun in the sun reports a new survey. ***I got dibs on June 15th!

In Brooklyn, N.Y., a 38-year-old man was arrested and his arsenal of guns seized after he was spotted in a city park taking target practice at a photo of his mother-in-law. ***Happy Mother’s Day!

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOTTA FLY

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How heavy of a sleeper are you? One woman slept through a car crashing at the foot of her bed!

Can you sleep through just about anything or does the most obscure and minute sound make you toss and turn? Meet Joanne and Mahlon Donovan of Derry, New Hampshire. Joanne is a heavy sleeper and Mahlon is not. They were sleeping when a speeding car drove through a neighbor’s yard, hit a knoll and vaulted into the air, before crashing down onto their home. In fact the car ended up landing in their bedroom coming to rest about a foot from their bed. Mahlon of course woke up when the smelled the exhaust blowing in his face and felt the sheet rock that buried him up to his head. Then he looked at Joanne, shook her to wake her up and told her they had company. She slept through the whole thing!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A STORY FOR MOM

When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you read the specification on this order? She has to be completely washable but not plastic. Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap the disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And 6 pairs of hands.

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “6 pairs of hands….no way.”

“It’s not the hands that are causing me the problems,” said the Lord, “It’s the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have.”

“That’s in the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to

know, and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when he goofs and say, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel touching his sleeve gently, “come to bed. Tomorrow . . . “

“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a 9-year-old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this Mother can do or endure.”

“Can it think?”

“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?”

“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”

“You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LOOTING THE CAMP

READ: 2 Kings 5:15-27

Did not my heart go with you . . . ? Is it time to receive money and to receive clothing? —2 Kings 5:26

While visiting a US Civil War battlefield in Virginia, I was struck by a story about an army unit that arrived too late for a major battle. The troops had stopped to loot a camp abandoned by their enemy. By taking what they felt they needed, they could not accomplish their mission.

That seems to describe the failure of the prophet Elisha’s servant Gehazi, who sought money and clothing from Naaman, a Syrian military commander (2 Kings 5:20-25). Elisha told Naaman how to be cured of his leprosy, but he refused any gift or payment from him (v.16). Gehazi, however, decided to get something for himself (v.20). In a stinging rebuke, Elisha said to Gehazi: “Is it time to receive money and to receive clothing . . . ? Therefore the leprosy of Naaman shall cling to you and your descendants forever” (vv.26-27).

The desire for personal gain can be a snare in our service for the Lord. It may be the subtle lure of recognition or the fatal attraction of financial reward. Any motive that changes our focus from giving to God to getting from Him poses a real spiritual danger.

Greed makes us believe that we deserve what we desire. That leads us down the wrong road. May God give us the wisdom to avoid the sin of Gehazi.

—David C. McCasland

God’s riches fill up our supply,
Whatever we may need,
So we can then be generous,
And not controlled by greed.  —Sper

Live to give.

LEFTOVERS

IN MY DAY

Remember when your mom, dad, or grandparents would try to tell you how things were when THEY were growing up, and how they didn’t have any of the modern day stuff? Well, the Washington Post did a report and asked their readers to tell Generation X-ers how much harder they had it in the old days: They made a contest out of it, and here’s what the best ones were:

  • “In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.” (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

  • “In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station. Fortunately the base fare was only a dollar.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

  • “In my day, we didn’t have Regis Philbin. Oh, wait. Yes we did.” (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

  • “In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.” (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

  • “In my day we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

“In my day, we didn’t have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.” (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do violent video games really cause calm people to become violent?

This seems hard to believe, but researchers now say that people who play violent games online actually feel relaxed afterwards. Develop Magazine surveyed 292 World of Warcraft players between the ages of 12 and 83 and found they were more likely to feel calm or tired after playing a round of the game. However, the results pretty much depended on personality type. If you were the high-strung type before playing, you’d still be amped up after. However, they did say the study disproves the theory that violent video games make peaceful people violent.

JUST FOR FUN

WHAT IS ART?
What is art? Apparently anything an artist says it is!

British sculptor Elizabeth Wright commissioned four mechanics to dismantle a van, carry it into a living room and reassemble it and it’s called art. The 35-year-old Wright says, “All my work is to do with the everyday. I’m using everyday objects. Somehow through repositioning or remaking them, I explore their meaning and how we classify objects.”  ***MARLAR: Wright has entitled her work “Honey, I parked the van in the living room!”

FUN LIST

WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY

  • To be able to eat a whole candy bar, alone

  • To be able to drink a Coke without any “floaters” from the kids

  • To have a 14 year-old answer a question without rolling eyes

  • To take her toddlers on a plane without someone moaning, “Oh, no! Why me?”

  • To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions

  • To get five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty pounds of fat

  • To take a shower without a child peeking through the curtain

  • To hire a full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt

  • To have her teenager say, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”

  • To shop at a grocery store that doesn’t have candy and cheap toys at the checkout line

  • To have Fisher Price come out with a Play Prison

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CONGRESS EXAMINES THE ISSUE OF MOTHER’S DAY (SOME HISTORY)

Ironically, the United States Senate actually voted against Mother’s Day in 1908. According to research, some senators noted that, “We might as well have a Father’s Day or a Grand father’s Day or a Mother-in-Law’s Day.” But the following year, Anna M. Jarvis began the tradition of a Mother’s Day church service and persuaded the city fathers in Philadelphia to hold a citywide Mother’s Day observance. By 1912,West Virginia made Mother’s Day a state holiday, with Oklahoma, Washington, Pennsylvania and other states following suit. In 1914, the senate changed its mind, and in May 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a joint congressional resolution calling mothers “The greatest source of the country’s strength and inspiration.” Anna M. Jarvis died in 1948, penniless and sightless in a Philadelphia sanitarium, having devoted the last part of her life and most of her fortune to promoting Mother’s Day.

IN HONOR OF MOM… Things I’ve learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

  • If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  • A 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  • The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.

  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  • A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  • Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.

  • Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

  • Super glue is forever.

  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is

  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

  • The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.

  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  • The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

IN HONOR OF MOM… HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE READY FOR KIDS??

  • MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

  • TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

  • GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

  • DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

  • FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
    Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

  • NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

  • INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

  • AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

  • PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

  • PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

  • FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you own a dog, chances are there have been times when he cocked his head and gave you a look that made you think, “He knows exactly what I’m thinking!” You may be right. British researchers claim that dogs can understand things from a human perspective and make their decisions accordingly, reports London’s Daily Mail of research from the University of Portsmouth. And now Japanese researchers have discovered that cats understand humans, not just by voice tone but also by identifying certain words including their names, the owner’s name, various commands you’ve used, and other eavesdropping techniques that you had no idea about.

Now there is an even better reason to snuggle with your babies. The study, published in the journal Development and Psychopathology, examined 94 babies and asked the parents to keep a record of their cuddling habits with the babies from five weeks after birth, as well as the babies’ behavior, like sleeping and crying. Four and a half years later, DNA swabs were taken from all the kids. The swabs found that babies who got more cuddles had their genetics changed in a promising way. In contrast, infants who get less physical contact and are distressed at a young age end up with potentially negative genetic changes. And these aren’t just any genes we’re talking about here — they included both the immune and metabolic system.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/cuddling-babies-147824

It has long been known that when you skimp on sleep, you’re far more likely to overeat, make poor food choices and gain weight. But why? Researchers from the University of Chicago Medical Center have figured it. The short answer: Too little sleep gives you the munchies. The long answer: Sleep loss amplifies and extends blood levels of a chemical signal that enhances the joy of eating, particularly the guilty pleasures gained from sweet or salty, high-fat snack foods. The effects of sleep loss on appetite are most powerful in the late afternoon and early evening, times when snacking has been linked to weight gain. The takeaway: When you get less than five hours of sleep, it will likely result in binge-eating the next day to the tune of an extra 300 calories. If you do this repeatedly, you will gain significant weight.

The battle between dog and cat owners just got kicked up a notch, with new research that suggests canines might be smarter than felines. A study in the journal Frontiers in Neuroanatomy says dogs have more neurons in the part of their brain that is a cognitive powerhouse. The researchers were comparing the brain sizes of different carnivores, including lions, brown bears, raccoons, hyenas, mongooses and ferrets, and measuring the number of neurons in each of their brains. The researchers said that brown bears had the largest cerebral cortex of the animals studied but only had as many neurons as cats; and raccoon brains are about the size of cats’ but have roughly the same number of neurons as dogs.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/are-dogs-smarter-than-cats-scientists-weigh-in/ar-BBFW6E7?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartanntp

If your toddler smears the highchair tray with his pudding, strings spaghetti from the chair or dumps oatmeal on her head, don’t despair: Messy eaters learn more. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Iowa, who have concluded that toddlers are better able to learn language when they get messy with their food. Led by Larissa Samuelson, an associate professor in psychology, the team studied how 16-month-old children learn words for nonsolid objects — from oatmeal to glue. Not surprisingly, many children gleefully dove into this task by poking, prodding, touching, feeling, eating — and yes, throwing–the nonsolids in order to understand what they were and make the correct association with the hypothetical names. The toddlers who interacted the most with the foods (parents, interpret as you want) were more likely to correctly identify them by their texture and name them.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Japanese bus drivers are using an unusual community-based strike tactic to demand better job security from their employers.  The drivers working for the Ryobi Group in Okayama declared a labor strike after a rival bus company opened up overlapping bus routes that charge cheaper fare.  When Ryobi would not comply with their demands for better job security, the drivers decided to take an experimental angle with their strike: they would continue to drive their usual routes, except they would not be accepting anyone’s fare money.  Ideally, the free-fare tactic will prevent management from claiming that the workers are putting their own needs before the community’s.  Additionally, online news outlet Japan Today says that the free bus rides will help preserve the company’s relationship with their passengers in the face of a rival company giving cheaper rides.  Time will tell whether the tactic succeeds, but many social media readers are praising the drivers for their unconventional approach to demanding worker safety while simultaneously serving their community.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Like Facebook doesn’t already have enough problems. New allegations for the social media king initiated with a tweet from Jackie Stokes, head of the Spyglass Security computer security firm: “I’ve been made aware that a security engineer currently employed at Facebook is likely using privileged access to stalk women online. I have Tinder logs. What should I do with this information?” Facebook is reportedly now checking out her claim and Stokes confirmed “multiple senior Facebook employees” had contacted her. Stokes says she confirmed the so-called stalker was a Facebook staffer with some online detective work, and she posted a screenshot of the exchange between the sender and recipient. After the message’s sender jokes about being a “professional stalker,” the recipient replies: “Is that what you’re currently doing? Trying to internet stalk me?” A Facebook rep says: “We have a zero-tolerance approach to abuse, and improper behavior results in termination.” (Motherboard)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

REAL MOTHERS….

  • Real mothers don’t eat quiche, they don’t have time to make it.
  • Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
  • Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids.
  • Real mothers know that dried playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
  • Real mothers don’t want to know what the vaccuum just sucked up.
  • Real mothers sometimes ask “why me?’ and get their answer when a little voice says “because I love you best”.
  • Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years of grade…It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard—This seems to be the year of the remake, whether in television or the movies.  “Overboard” was a 1987 hit with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn in which she was a spoiled rich girl and he the rugged guy. This time around, the roles are switched, and Anna Faris is the poor girl, while Eugenio Derbez is the spoiled rich kid of a mobster.  Anna is hired to clean the kid’s yacht, and he accidentally falls overboard, gets amnesia and Anna teaches him a few lessons about humility. “Overboard” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Samaritan—A thriller that centers on a valet/thief (Robert Sheehan) who chooses a certain house to rob, only to discover a woman held prisoner there and the owner (David Tennant) is none too pleasant about being robbed.  What to do? Rescue the girl or go to the police? “The Bad Samaritan” is rated R. No rating.

Son Of Bigfoot—An animated film in which a teenager (Pappy Faulkner) goes in search of his long, long lost father.  What he discovers is startling—Dad is actually Bigfoot!  Now, that would be a surprise. Dad is in hiding because an evil company wants his DNA for hair purposes.  “Son of Bigfoot” is rated PG. No rating.

MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party stars Melissa McCarthy in another comedy role., this time going back to college.

Breaking In is a thriller about rescuing hostages. Stars Gabrielle Union.

Terminal concerns crooks planning a robbery. Stars Max Irons.

Assassins Code is trying to solve a crime with a ghost. Justin Chatwin stars.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.