May 09, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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Hi welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! And I know what you’re thinking: “Gosh he sounds so intelligent. How can he possibly be such a good-looking guy, too?”




Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. — Romans 13:8




You know that is was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. — 1 Peter 1:18-19


Thought: If value is determined by price, we are incredibly valuable. God took the most precious treasure of heaven to buy us out of sin and death and adopt us into his family. Silver and gold pale in comparison to that value.


Prayer: Holy God, may I live each more aware of my inestimable value to you. May my words, thoughts and actions be permeated with your sense of my worth — not so that I may seem important to others, but so that I may live in holiness and honor to your precious gift to me. Through him I pray. Amen.


(The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware.)




The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 5:9 NIV = Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.




(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)


Today is DONATE A DAY’S WAGES TO CHARITY DAY. And if you’re looking for a worthy charity to send your wages to, check out my website – I guarantee every dollar I receive will go directly to the hungry. Namely, me. You don’t get paid a lot as a radio personality.


Today is TEAR THE TAGS OFF MATTRESSES DAY. The truth is that it is not really illegal to tear the tags off of your mattresses once you’ve purchased them and taken them home. Tearing off mattress tags is only illegal for the mattress salespeople.


This is THIRD SHIFT WORKERS DAY. Now, the third shift is often known as the graveyard shift, and that brings a question to my mind. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?


Today is Memorial Day… no, not the big day every Summer that we all get to stay home from work for… I’m talking about LOST SOCK MEMORIAL DAY. That’s right, a day to remember all of those socks that have been lost in the black hole of the clothes dryer – leaving their partners cold and alone, never to be worn again until they are paired up with another sock that has lost their partner as well. I don’t know what parallel universe or dimension our lost socks go to, but I’m pretty sure that the creatures living there have no problems with cold feet. (





American Indian Day

Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Birthmother’s Day (Saturday before Mother’s Day)

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day

International Migratory Bird Day

Letter Carrier’s Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day

Mother Ocean Day

National Babysitters Day

National Miniature Golf Day

National Moscato Day

National Train Day

National Windmill Day

Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

Stay Up All Night

World Belly Dance Day

World Fair Trade Day





World Lupus Day

Mother’s Day

Mothers At The Wall Day



Eat What You Want Day ***MARLAR: Known here as “Monday”.

Hostess Cupcake Day

Root Canal Appreciation Day ***MARLAR: Being celebrated by absolutely no one.

National Women’s Check-Up Day

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day



International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day



Frog Jumping Day

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day



Buddah Day

National Chicken Dance Day

The Stars and Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day



Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day

International Day of Families

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

International MPS Awareness Day

National Tuberous Sclerosis Day

Nylon Stocking Day

Peace Officer Memorial Day

Straw Hat Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

  1. Henry Pun-off Day


National Bike to Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day



Do Dah Day

National Piercing Day

Armed Forces Day

Biographer’s Day

Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

National Learn to Swim Day

Mimosa Day

National Sea Monkey Day





1901: John Knight was born in Fairmont, West Virginia. Nicknamed “Fuzzy,” he became Tex Ritter’s sidekick in dozens of western movies. Fuzzy died in 1976.


1903: Blacksmith Fred LaRose of Cobalt, Ontario, threw his hammer at a fox and struck the world’s largest silver vein.


1913: The 17th amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, providing for the election of senators by popular vote rather than selection by state legislatures.


1944: Jimmy Davis became governor of Louisiana. He wrote and recorded the hit song “You Are My Sunshine,” and was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1972.


1960: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Enovid, the first pill considered safe for birth control use.


1961: Federal Communications Commission Chairman Newton Minow challenged network TV executives to sit through an entire day of their own programming. Minow suggested they would observe a “vast wasteland.” ***MARLAR: Ah yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.


1964: Louis Armstrong hit #1 on the Billboard pop chart with “Hello, Dolly!” It was Satchmo’s first #1 hit in his 41-year career.


1974: Three Detroit bandits set a record by stealing 32,500 used watches from a Goodwill Industries warehouse. ***MARLAR: They sold them almost immediately. Not for the money though… they just didn’t want to be stuck setting 32,500 watches when Daylight Savings Time expired.


1984: In Chicago the White Sox beat Milwaukee 7-6 in the 25th inning of history’s longest baseball game: 8 hours 6 minutes. The game had begun the night before but was suspended because of a 1:00 a.m. curfew. ***MARLAR: The game was so long that people left the stadium sober.


1987: Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers were married.


1990: Irish singer Sinead O’Connor refused to appear on “Saturday Night Live” after chauvinist comedian Andrew Dice Clay was named as host.


1991: The Congregational Church in Winnetka, Illinois, made $195,388.53, the largest sum ever raised at a one-day rummage sale.


1999: A truck carrying 20-million bees in 450 hives overturned in Falmouth, Maine. Firefighters quickly sprayed the dumped hives with water to make the bees think it was raining, so they’d stay home. Five firefighters were stung, but none seriously hurt.


2000: The owner of a small Dutch tobacco shop won $4.1 million in the lottery by mistake. Having accidentally printed up more tickets than he could sell, he was forced, by law, to buy the remainder himself. One of the extra tickets was a big winner.


2002: In Bahrain, voters were allowed to cast ballots for the first time in 30 years. Women voted for the first time in the nation’s history.




1619: The Synod of Dort in the Netherlands ends. It condemned Arminianism, a milder form of Calvinism, and banished forty-five ministers who had signed the Arminian Articles of the Remonstrance.


1707: Death of church organist Dietrich Buxtehude. Johann Sebastian Bach had walked miles to hear him play.


1760: Death of Count Nikolaus von Zinzendorf, the pietist leader of the Moravians. He dies quoting a verse about peace.


1848: Andrew Murray is ordained on this, his 20th birthday. He became a notable educator of Christians in South Africa and the author of books on Christian living.


1918: Death of John B. Sumner who wrote the music to the hymn “I’m a Child of the King.” He served as a Methodist clergyman in the United States.


1960: Death of Charles R. Erdman who authored popular commentaries on books of the Bible. He served at the Presbyterian Princeton Seminary.


1983: Pope John Paul II reverses the Catholic Church’s 1633 condemnation of Galileo Galilei’s Copernican heliocentric theory of the universe.




  • Actress (Alexander, The Rundown) Rosario Dawson, 36
  • Actor (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) John Corbett, 53
  • Actress (“Murphy Brown,” “Law & Order:Trial By Jury”) Candice Bergen, 69 (audio clip)
  • Screenwriter/producer/actor (“Taxi,” “The Simpsons,” Spanglish, As Good As It Gets) James L. Brooks, 75 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Oscars for Women in Love and Touch of Class) Glenda Jackson, 78
  • Actor (Big Fish, Traffic) Albert Finney, 79
  • Today is Dagwood Bumstead’s birthday (from the Blondie comic strip), but no one seems to know how old he is.




(Music Artist Birthdays From

1914 : Hank Snow

1935 : Nokie Edwards (The Ventures)

1937 : Dave Prater (Sam & Dave)

1937 : Sonny Curtis (The Crickets)

1941 : Peter Birrell (Freddie & The Dreamers)

1941 : Danny Rapp (Danny and the Juniors)

1942 : Tommy Roe

1942 : Mike Millward (The Fourmost)

1943 : Bruce Milner (Every Mother’s Son

1944 : Clint Holmes

1944 : Don Dannemann (The Cyrkle)

1944 : Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield, Poco, Souther Hillman Furay Band)

1945 : Steve Katz (Blues Project, Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1949 : Billy Joel

1949 : Bob Margolin

1950 : Tom Petersson (Cheap Trick)

1953 : John Edwards (Status Quo)

1962 : David Gahan (Depeche Mode)

1971 : Bassist Paul McGuigan (Oasis)

1979 : Pierre Bouvier (Simple Plan)




How much ice cream do Americans consume every year?

This really isn’t a typical question for Secrets of the Universe, but I found it interesting, so I thought I’d share it with you. Ice cream is a big business in the U. S., generating over $3 billion in annual sales. Americans consume an average of 23 quarts each every year of this life-giving, nutritious, necessary food. But despite the opportunity to sample any one of 31 flavors at the Baskin-Robbins chain, and the availability of sophisticated concoctions from other manufacturers – love that Cherry Garcia — chocolate and vanilla still fill the dish about half the time when it’s time for ice cream. In the light of these facts it is nothing short of scandalous that the government has yet to establish a minimum daily requirement for ice cream. Write to your Congressman and demand action!




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An open request tweeted this week by Sidewalk Prophets guitarist Ben McDonald: Dear youth groups of America… please stop trying to clap along with ballads.


Rhett Walker just named my printer Bob Marley. Why, cause it keeps Jammin.


Another life milestone for Steven Curtis Chapman. His wife Mary Beth tweeted: Not sure what happened with time, but Shaoey just drove to school for Softball practice. Mary Beth added: On permit but still, didn’t she just come home yesterday? Shaoey is one of three daughters adopted by the Chapmans.


Fans of David Crowder have been having some fun placing his face in some unique locations. From Star Wars creatures to birds, photoshopped pictures of Crowder have been showing up on his facebook page. The latest is a rare photo of the elusive Texarkana Grizzly.


The members of the Sidewalk Prophets say they are thinking of a number between 1-11,375,250,100 and they want you to guess what that exact number is. They tweeted this week: One guess per person… guess it right and an awesome surprise will follow. No word on what the surprise will be.


Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo says he finally got his garage cleaned out enough to park his vehicle. But he wasn’t quite fast enough. Jaun share the picture of his kids bikes parked in the newly cleaned up space in his garage.


The band Rend Collective is asking for your prayers. They announced this week: We’ve just had a lot of our equipment stolen including our laptop which we were recording our new album on. Months of work gone!


Kerrie Roberts is encouraging you to join the Red Thumb movement. She shared a site sponsored by Nissan that includes a pledge promising that you will put down your phone while you are driving. Kerrie says she has signed it and encourages everyone else to do the same.


Blanca was talking about hair this week. The former member of Group 1 Crew released her debut, self titled solo project on Tuesday. As part of the release week she shared openly that, for many years growing up, she hated her hair. Blanca said: I would ask my mom to put a relaxer in it or take me to the salon to get it straightened. All of my friends had long straight hair and I would feel like the odd ball out… But as I got older I realized that my hair made me unique and different; that it was the Real. Blanca said: When I learned to embrace it, I felt a whole new sense of confidence from within. I was learning to love who God made me to be!! Now, Blanca is challenging other artists to also take the Real True You challenge. Blanca says: Let’s spread some positively and authenticity across social media girls; no makeup or curls, just the real true you.




Japan zoo apologizes for naming newborn monkey Charlotte    photo
TOKYO (AP) — A Japanese zoo has apologized after receiving complaints over naming a baby monkey Charlotte for the newborn British princess. The Takasakiyama Natural Zoological Garden said Thursday it was considering renaming the macaque. It was flooded with angry calls and emails Wednesday…


Bank robbery suspect posts photo, video on Instagram
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) — A man accused of robbing a Virginia Beach bank posted two videos and a photo of the incident to his Instagram account. Police tell WAVY-TV ( 23-year-old Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca walked into a TowneBank on Monday and handed the teller a note…
Authorities find fake skeletons in underwater lawn chairs    photo
CIENEGA SPRINGS, Ariz. (AP) — A man snorkeling in the Colorado River near the Arizona and California border was terrified — and later embarrassed — when he came across two fake skeletons sitting in lawn chairs about 40 feet underwater. The man reported the skeletons to the La Paz…
Teen who spray-painted prom invite on Idaho cliff sought    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Authorities are looking for a teen who wanted a date with Destiny and hoped to get it by spray-painting a prom proposal on an Idaho cliffside. HASH(0x140a3f0) The person could face a misdemeanor charge of injury by graffiti, which is punishable by up to six months in jail…
Activists ticketed for putting Snowden bust on NYC monument    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Two activists who put a bust of Edward Snowden on a Revolutionary War memorial were ticketed and got their confiscated sculpture back Wednesday, saying they felt the episode had sparked conversation about freedom. Jeff Greenspan and Andrew Tider had tried to stay anonymous…
Cowboys round up cattle after semi overturns on highway    photo
MAIZE, Kan. (AP) — A Kansas highway has reopened after cowboys helped round up cattle who escaped a semitrailer that had rolled over near Wichita. The Kansas Highway Patrol says Kansas 96 near Maize reopened about noon. It was closed when the truck crashed around 4 a.m. Wednesday northwest of…
Woman spread feces on co-worker’s chair, mouse; no jail time
WINCHESTER, Va. (AP) — A former Virginia lab worker has pleaded guilty to spreading contaminated feces on a co-worker’s computer mouse and desk chair, but she won’t see any jail time. The Winchester Star reports ( that 31-year-old Andrea Edwards of Stephens City was…
Woman charged with running crack delivery service from truck
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) — With her four adult children watching, a Massachusetts woman has pleaded not guilty to running a crack cocaine delivery service from her pickup truck. Sixty-year-old Donna McLeod entered the plea Tuesday on the trafficking cocaine charge at her arraignment in…
Woman celebrates 21st birthday performing 21 kind acts
BRISTOL, Tenn. (AP) — A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness to people she had never met across the city of Bristol. The Bristol Herald Courier ( reports Alexa Sexton and a few friends traveled across the city to complete the…
Koala pays late night visit to Australian hospital    photo
SYDNEY (AP) — Staffers at an Australian hospital’s emergency department received a rather unusual late night visitor — a koala. The marsupial casually strolled through the automatic doors of Hamilton Base Hospital in Victoria state at 3:30 a.m. on April 20, said Brigid Kelly,…
Sheriff: Woman held for driving wrong way while drunk, naked
GRANT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Michigan authorities say they arrested a naked drunken woman who was driving the wrong way after leaving her naked husband and their child at a rest stop. The Clare County sheriff’s department says 23-year-old Jessie Schwaub-Devault of Harrison left her husband…




J&J seeks bioethics advice on compassionate use of drugs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Dying patients sometimes seek emergency access to experimental medicines, desperate for a last-chance treatment even if there’s little proof it could help. Now drug giant Johnson & Johnson is taking an unusual step, turning to independent bioethicists for advice on when to…


UN: Lowest number of new weekly Ebola cases in West Africa
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says the number of Ebola cases reported in Guinea and Sierra Leone last week dropped to 18, the lowest total this year. In an update published this week, the U.N. health agency said the situation was “encouraging” but noted officials are still…
Hospital efforts to save very premature babies vary widely    photo
They weigh as little as a pound yet force some of the toughest choices in all of medicine. Extremely premature babies face big differences in how hard hospitals try to save them, a study finds. It is the first major look in the U.S. at how preemies fare according to the care they get. There was a…
States watching Medicaid standoff between Florida, Obama
MIAMI (AP) — The Obama administration rebuffed Florida’s Gov. Rick Scott’s proposal to extend federal funds for hospitals that treat the uninsured, increasing the pressure on states that have refused to expand coverage for low-income people under the president’s health care law. The decision…
Using a smartphone microscope to detect parasites in blood    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Prick a finger and have the blood checked for parasites — by smartphone? Scientists are turning those ubiquitous phones into microscopes and other medical tools that could help fight diseases in remote parts of the world. In the newest work, University of California,…
Are bungled VA claims systemic? Senators want agency review    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Troubled by delays in handling veterans claims, a bipartisan group of senators on Wednesday urged a wide-scale, independent review of the Department of Veterans Affairs for mismanagement and changes to improve budgeting and speed up applications. A report released by nine…
EPA suggests triggers for warning of algae in drinking water    photo
TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. (AP) — The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency released the first nationwide guidelines Wednesday for determining when algal toxins have reached dangerous levels in public water systems and do-not-drink warnings might be needed. Up to 48 million people nationwide get…
Study aims to uncover why cancer plagues golden retrievers    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — If a golden retriever gives birth, gets stung by a bee or sprayed by a skunk, veterinarians want to know. Scientists are studying the popular breed to find out why their lifespans have gotten shorter over the years and why cancer is so prevalent. The Colorado-based Morris…
4 arrested in Connecticut synthetic marijuana investigation
WILLIMANTIC, Conn. (AP) — Police in Connecticut have arrested four people while investigating a batch of synthetic marijuana that sickened about a dozen people, including five who were hospitalized. Willimantic police say they arrested a dealer of “K2” synthetic marijuana and three buyers…
Striking Zimbabwean nurses refuse to work night shift
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Nurses in Zimbabwe are refusing to work the night shift in the southern African nation’s public hospitals and clinics in a nationwide strike over salaries. Striking nurses are demanding $150 for a weeklong shift, and have described the current pay rate of $3 for a…
Among Hispanics, Puerto Ricans seem to have worst health
NEW YORK (AP) — Among Hispanic groups in the United States, Puerto Ricans appear to have the worst health, according to a government report released Tuesday. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued its most comprehensive report on Hispanic health, drawing from earlier research….




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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Grape Nuts & Chunky Monkey”




OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Rita the Skunk, was in jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Racquet has apologized to everyone, but they are all still in jail… and working on a plan to break out!


CLOSE: Tune in again next time as, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!




OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!


CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!


***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.




Just because you’re a police officer doesn’t mean you’re above committing a Moment of Duh!

Florida Police Lieutenant Robert Musco, recently sent out a memo stating that each officer should give a minimum of two UTCs (Uniform Traffic Citations) per shift.  But then he qualified his statement saying he’s “not into quotas,” which are illegal. ***MARLAR: Never mind the fact that requiring two citations per shift is exactly the definition of a “quota.”





  1. You do your devotions in another language.
  2. You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
  3. You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
  4. You can cut grass with a machete, but can’t start a lawnmower.
  5. You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.
  6. You consider a city 500 km away to be “very close”.
  7. You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
  8. You read National Geographic and recognize someone.
  9. You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.
  10. You can’t answer the question, “Where are you from?”




When do you, as a police officer, have too much power? 


FILE #1: The answer is simple… when you can issue parking tickets to those that arent’ even parked!  A police officer in Norway handed a woman, hopelessly stuck in a rush hour traffic jam, a $73 parking ticket!  The judge in the case, outraged at the audacity of the officer, ordered the police department to pay the woman $585 in court costs.


FILE #2: Shannon Paige Morphis has been charged with armed robbery of the First State Bank in Rives, Tenn. Here’s what she did with the money. Shannon went to the court with the money from the robbery and paid off about $1,100 in bad checks. Then, she wired $575 to some company in Georgia. She was behind in payments on her trailer.


FILE #3: A woman robs a bank so she can take the money to the courthouse? Two inmates at Cook County (Ill.) jail managed to swindle as many as 12 people ($9,000 from one woman) by calling them at random, collect (even though a message broke in automatically every 60 seconds identifying the call as coming from jail), and promising to cleanse the callees’ nonexistent criminal records for a fee.  The men have been indicted.


STRANGE LAW: In Florida it is illegal to skateboard without a license.




If you’re planning on being a successful drug dealer, it’s probably not a good idea to hand out business cards advertising your chosen profession.

Drug dealers in Kansas City made it easy for cops to get their number: they were handing out business cards to kids. The alleged drug dealers were handing out business cards embossed with the slogan “Dunn Deal Enterprises.” One of the cards featured a picture of a fistful of cash, while another had a marijuana leaf. Both cards gave the same phone number. Police called the number and set up an undercover buy. If convicted, the two men arrested face up to ten years in prison.




Now, a new study has confirmed what first-borns have always suspected: The oldest kid in the family really does bear the brunt of parental strictness, while the younger brothers and sisters generally coast on through. If you were the first child did you get punished more than your younger brothers and sisters? Ever get punished for something that your younger brother or sister did?




QUESTION: How many sons did Gideon have?

ANSWER: Seventy (Jude 8:30)


QUESTION What was Pilate’s verdict in trying Jesus?

ANSWER: Not guilty. (John 18:38)


QUESTION: How did Michal, David’s wife, help David to escape the king’s messengers?
ANSWER: She put a dummy in the bed (1 Samuel 19:12-16)




QUESTION: What animal is believed to have the best hearing?
ANSWER: The barn owl – even though its ears can’t be seen. Its face is dish shaped, enabling the owl to receive sounds like sonar.




Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!


  1. In the Southern Hemisphere, summer begins in December. (True)


  1. In target archery, a bulls-eye is worth 50 points. (True, it’s worth ten points)


  1. If an animal is a “limnivore,” it eats trees. (False, it eats mud)


  1. 200 Salem Witches were actually burned at the stake. (False, The truth of the matter is that we hanged the witches.)


  1. The comic book title Superman is older than the Batman comics. (True, Action Comics #1 came out in June 1938 and introduced the world to Superman. As for Batman, he’s a wee bit younger. Detective Comics #27 came out about a year after Action Comics #1 in May 1939.)


  1. The only part of your body that can stick to metal in cold weather is your tongue. (False, Any moist, warm part of the skin can succumb to this cruel twist of nature, so even a sweaty palm on a cold doorknob can be a recipe for disaster.)


  1. Ulysses S. Grant is buried in Grant’s Tomb along with his wife. (True)


  1. The motto “E Pluribus Unum” on U.S. money means “good luck in life.” (False, it means, “One out of many”)


  1. Richard M. Nixon’s middle name was Michael. (False, Milhous)


  1. Maine has the most hazardous waste sites. (False, New Jersey)




You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

KUNG FU ________ (HAMSTER)

Watch out!  The Kung Fu Hamster is coming to get you.

Flying through the air, his teeth bared, this hamster is one feisty customer.

The rogue rodent was caught leaping into the frame after executing an ambush on an unsuspecting dog-walker and her canine companions.

The attack occurred in Hradok, Slovakia, and frightened Marta Domotorova and her hounds out of their collective wits.

The furry-fury exploded out of the grass, aiming itself directly at the innocent party.

Domotorova told The Mirror: “Bona started barking and Meggie wanted to sniff it.

“I guess it got pretty scared although both dogs are harmless and just wanted to play.

“But then they got pretty scared when it started its kung fu chops.”

Experts say the firey furball is likely to be an escaped domestic pet. With a thing about Bruce Lee movies, presumably.





The Green Bay Packers had a pretty good scare on Tuesday… an anthrax scare!

“National Guard officials report that The Green Bay Packers football practice was delayed for nearly two hours Tuesday after one of the players, while on his way to the locker room, noticed a suspicious-looking unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Mike McCarthy immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was actually… the goal line. Practice resumed when FBI Special Agents decided the team was not likely to encounter the substance again.” (Yes folks, this is a joke!)



Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, “Are we there yet?”

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, “Is it dark yet?”



A young boy came up to his father in the study, busily preparing a sermon for the next Sunday.  “Dad, how do you know what to write down to say?”

“Well,” replied the father, “God tells me what to preach.”

“Then why are you crossing out so much on your page?”




Thieves in Switzerland stole four paintings by artists such as van Gogh and Monet worth $163 million.  ***MARLAR: Police say the crooks are armed and pretentious.


Fluffy, a 24-foot python billed as the largest snake in captivity, is staying put to lure visitors into the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium. ***MARLAR: Well, that’s THEIR story.  But then, YOU try telling a snake where to go.





A little boy came home excitedly from kindergarten with a blue ribbon.  When his mommy asked him “What is the blue ribbon for?” he proudly announced, “I won!”

When pressed for details he simply said, “The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has.  When my turn came, I guessed FIVE.”

“Five???” his mother gasped, “but a cow only has FOUR legs.  How do you get a blue ribbon for guessing five?”

“I won because my guess was the closest.”




Prepare to be freaked-out.  Your private thoughts may soon not be so private. 

Scientists from Japan and the United States have figured out how to read a person’s mind by remotely measuring brain activity, extracting information of which the subject is not even aware.  The study findings were published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.  So far it’s pretty rudimentary stuff in that the mind-reading machine can only identify visual patterns a volunteer can see or has chosen to look at. But the researchers are hopeful that the approach will eventually probe into a person’s awareness, focus of attention and memory.  ***MARLAR: If this were really to happen, it would be extremely unnerving… but on the upside, you would always be able to ask somebody where you misplaced your car keys!





There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. Christensen, a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr. Christensen taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular Institution. Every student was required to take this course his freshman year, regardless of his or her major.

Although Dr. Christensen tried hard to communicate the essence of the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery. Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year, Dr. Christensen had a special student named Steve. Steve was studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry. Steve was popular, he was well liked, and he was an imposing physical specimen. He was now the starting center on the school football team, and was the best student in the professor’s class.

One day, Dr. Christensen asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. “How many push-ups can you do?”

Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”

“200? That’s pretty good, Steve”, Dr. Christensen said. “Do you think you could do 300?”

Steve replied, “I don’t know…. I’ve never done 300 at a time.”

“Do you think you could?”, again asked Dr. Christensen.

“Well, I can try”, said Steve.

“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it”, said the professor.

Steve said, “Well…I think I can…yeah, I can do it.”

Dr. Christensen said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me explain what I have in mind.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. No, these weren’t the normal kinds of donuts, they were the BIG, extra fancy kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.

Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of the year, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr. Christensen’s class. Dr. Christensen went to the first girl in the first row and asked: “Cynthia, do you want to have one of these donuts?”

Cynthia said, “Yes.”

Dr. Christensen then turned to Steve and asked: “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?”

“Sure.” Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Dr. Christensen put a donut on Cynthia’s desk.

Dr. Christensen then went to Joe, the next person, and asked: “Joe, do you want a donut?”

Joe said, “Yes.”

Dr. Christensen asked, “Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?” Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle. Steve did ten push-ups for every person before they got their donut.

Walking down the second aisle, Dr. Christensen came to Scott. Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good condition as Steve. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When the professor asked, “Scott do you want a donut?”

Scott’s reply was, “Well, can I do my own push-ups?”

Dr. Christensen said, “No, Steve has to do them.”

Then Scott said, “Well, I don’t want one then.”

Dr.. Christensen shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked: “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have a donut he doesn’t want?” With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten push-ups.

Scott said, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christensen said, “Look! This is my classroom, my class, my desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it.” And he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Dr. Christensen started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry. Dr. Christensen asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut?”

Sternly, Jenny said, “No.”

Then, Dr. Christensen asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten. By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were beginning to say ‘No’ and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Dr. Christensen asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the full ten push-ups in a set because he couldn’t bear to watch all of Steve’s work for all of those uneaten donuts. He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely.

Dr. Christensen started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room. When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Dr. Christensen went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set. Steve asked Dr. Christensen, “Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?”

Dr. Christensen thought for a moment, “Well, they’re your push-ups. You are in charge now. You can do them any way that you want.” And Dr. Christensen went on.

A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one voice, “No! Don’t come in! Stay out!” Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.”

Professor Christensen said, “You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten push-ups for him?”

Steve said, “Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut.”

Dr. Christensen said, “Okay, Steve, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?”

Jason, new to the room, hardly knew what was going on. “Yes”, he said, “Give me a donut.”

“Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?” Steve did ten push-ups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Dr. Christensen finished the fourth row, and then started on those visitors seated by the heaters. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. By this time, sweat was profusely dropping off of his face, there was no sound except his heavy breathing; there was not a dry eye in the room. The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very popular. Dr. Christensen went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, “Linda, do you want a donut?”

Linda said, very sadly, “No, thank you.”

Professor Christensen quietly asked, “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn’t want?” Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push-ups for Linda.

Then Dr. Christensen turned to the last girl, Susan. “Susan, do you want a donut?”

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, began to cry.. “Dr. Christensen, why can’t I help him?”

Dr. Christensen, with tears of his own, said: “No, Steve has to do it alone. I have given him this task, and he is in charge of seeing that everyone has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or not. When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade book. Steve here is the only student with a perfect grade. Everyone else has failed a test, skipped class, or offered me inferior work. Steve told me, that in football practice, when a player messes up he must do push-ups. I told Steve that none of you could come to my party unless he paid the price by doing your pushups. He and I made a deal for your sakes.” He then again turned to Steve. “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?”

As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor. Dr. Christensen turned to the room and said: “And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross, plead to the Father, ‘Into Thy hands I commend My spirit.’ With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, He yielded up His life. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically exhausted, but wearing a thin smile. “Well done, good and faithful servant”, said the professor, adding: “Not all sermons are preached in words.”

Turning to his class, the professor said, “My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He spared not only His Begotten Son, but gave Him up for us all, for the whole Church, now and forever. Whether or not we choose to accept His gift to us, the price has been paid. Wouldn’t you be foolish and ungrateful to leave it lying on the desk?”




Never Meant To Drive, (Luke 7:29-30)

This is a true story. It happened on Long Island, just outside of New York City. A little 2-year old girl asked her mommy to drive her to get an ice cream cone. Mom said she was feeling sick and needed to nap. But that little girl had a very observant 5-year old brother. After Mom was asleep, he told his sister, “I’ll take you.” He knew where Mom’s car keys were . . . got them out of her purse, and proceeded to get his sister settled in the car. Then he started the car, backed it out of the driveway, and then slowly drove it to the stop sign at the end of the street.

He managed to maneuver the car out onto the main road. It was at that point that a policeman happened to see that car moving down the road – apparently without a driver! He gave chase until the invisible driver pulled over to the side of the road. Wouldn’t you love to have seen the look on the Policeman’s face when he walked up to the car and saw this little boy at the wheel? Thankfully, this had a happy ending. You know this was a car headed for disaster – with that little guy driving!

That boy was never meant to drive. And with someone driving who never should have, you know there was a crash coming. There are people’s LIVES like that – with the wrong person driving . . . ultimately headed for a crash. It could be yours.

The “who’s driving?” issue created two distinct kinds of people in Jesus’ day – and, in fact, it still does today. Our word for today from the Word of God, Luke 7:29, 30. “All the people, even the tax collectors (those were considered the sleazy guys in Jesus’ day), when they heard Jesus’ words, acknowledged that God’s way was right.” Interesting – some of the people you would least expect to end up with Jesus are the very ones who do.

“But the Pharisees and experts in the law rejected God’s purposes for themselves.” This is pretty sobering stuff for some of us who are religious people . . . people of the Bible . . . even religious leaders. THOSE were the people who totally missed Jesus . . . who, according to the Bible, missed the whole purpose for their lives. Actually, if you miss Jesus, you DO miss the purpose you were created for – because God says, “All things were created by Him and for Him” (Colossians 1:16). Including you.

How can someone who’s been around Jesus . . . who’s knows a lot about Jesus – still miss Jesus – and ultimately the heaven that only those who know Jesus will ever see. The people who ended up with Jesus came to the point where they saw God’s way was right – that God should be driving their life. The people who ended up without Jesus wanted to live their lives for their purposes – they were “my way” people. They insisted on driving – and it cost them everything.

In Matthew 7 Jesus describes people who will stand before Him on Judgment Day, expecting to get into heaven. They tell Him about all the wonderful Christian things they have done. And Jesus speaks to them some of the most chilling words in the Bible – “Depart from Me. I never knew you.” Those are words I don’t ever want you to hear – words HE doesn’t ever want you to hear.

Which is why I must ask you – Has there ever really been a time when you have relinquished the steering wheel of your life and turned it over to Jesus? You were never meant to drive. But you have. The price is crashing eternally.

Jesus died on that cross to erase your sin-penalty and give you eternal life. You may have been around Jesus a lot . . . you may know a lot about Him . . . and still have missed that moment of surrendering your life to Him. This could be that moment. Tell Him you’re done driving – that you are putting your total trust in Him because He loved you enough to die for you. Let Jesus begin driving today. He’ll take you where you could never drive yourself.

Written by Ron Hutchcraft.





While most of us were getting ready to honor our mothers for Mother’s Day, students at a certain private (and pricey) private school in New York were being informed that – because some children are being raised by same-sex couples, Mother’s Day had been banned at school. Don’t worry though, in the interests of fairness, Father’s Day is also a no-no. Parents of children who attend Rodeph Sholom Day School in New York did not find out about this new school policy until their children showed up at home with a note tucked in their book bags. ***MARLAR: Sure, so let’s ban every holiday that maybe a small minority of people might be offended by – after all, it’s only fair. Christmas… gone. Easter… gone. Independence Day… gone. Halloween… gone. Valentine’s Day… gone. Let’s get rid of all of them… after all, one or two people might not like those days. It’s only fair, right? Hey, while we’re at it, let’s ban Be Kind To Teachers Week… we need to be consistent now. And hey, teachers, you know all of those Federal holidays you get off that no one else gets? Like Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents Day, etc.? Well… I’m offended that we don’t get those days off unless we work for the government… so we should ban all of them too!





Snoring can not only be annoying; it might actually make you less intelligent.

A German clinic, explaining how snoring can be stopped through minor surgery, cited a US study which showed that in addition to being an irritating habit, snoring kills brain cells by depriving the body of oxygen. The study found that snorers performed worst in tests of intelligence, speed of reaction and visual coordination. The clinic said that laser surgery could solve the problem by cutting away tissue to allow the patient to breathe more freely while sleeping.  ***MARLAR: In other news, snoring can not only be annoying; it might actually make you less intelligent . . .





You can live to be 100 or more with tips from 25 men and women ages 101 to 126:

  • Never go to bed angry at anyone, especially yourself- or your spouse.
  • If you smoke or drink, don’t fret about it. Just be sure to eat right and get some exercise to maintain the best possible health.
  • Never, ever get on an airplane.
  • Don’t drive at night.
  • Try to do something nice for somebody else every day.
  • Don’t let others get under your skin.
  • Have lots of children and enjoy them.
  • Don’t worry needlessly about money.
  • Take time out to relax.
  • Never second-guess yourself. When you make a decision act on it- and forget it. Move on to other things.





  • Tonight is “Who wants to pitch?” night.
  • Bullpen now filled with actual bear cubs.
  • Outfielders warm up each inning by tossing a Frisbee.
  • Manager sitting in dugout next to packed suitcase.
  • Player on first base has glove in one hand and beer in the other.




UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Ring Around the Collar

The current season of the popular television show Survivor developed a new team theme. Cast members were recruited and divided up into the categories to match their “fit” in the workplace. The so-called white collars were used to giving the orders, blue collars taking the orders, and “no collars” claimed to be carefree spirits not fitting in with either group.
As a television show, audience had the stereotypes reinforced in the earliest episodes. The blue collar team perceived themselves as hard workers and “grunts on the ground,” willing to do whatever was necessary in the wild. The white collar team couldn’t manage to get a fire going, an essential for cleaning, cooking, and so forth. The carefree group wasn’t worried about who was in charge or when things got done. With their fire started, they preferred to take it easy. You get the picture.
Just in as in real life, misconceptions abound. White collars proved quite capable in physical challenges. Blue collars had to make hard decisions and think ahead. And the carefree world of no collars found tension and emotional baggage in struggling to play the game.
Survivor is about winning a million dollars. Strategy, power, and politics play out everywhere. As people are voted off and teams merge, new social maneuvers must be developed and new alliances created.
So what are the real differences between white collar and blue collar and no collar types? I believe much of it is centered in the power to make decisions and live a lifestyle of your preference. Thus, the real color of your collar may have a green tint: money.
As it’s commonly known, when management wants you to perform, it comes down to two things: more money and/or more power. Remove those, and you diminish perceived “collar” value as well.
Two events in sports over the past weekend provide an interesting illustration.
The NFL Draft was held in Chicago. Our city became Draft Town. In a period of three days, a large group of hard working, dirt churning, sweat generating muscle men transitioned from “blue collar” life into millionaires. While they will remain “under the thumb” of coaches and management, control over their lives made a huge leap.
The second event was the highly promoted boxing match of welterweights on Saturday night. A 38-year-old fighter, Floyd Mayweather Jr, defeated the 36-year-old Manny Pacquiao. The decision was unanimous.
Boxing is hard work. I mean REALLY hard work. The training would kill most of us. The actual fight would kill the rest. So you have to have a LOT of blue collar work ethic to win. And you have to be really good…to make a living.
The fight brought in an estimated $300 million. The Mayweather contract required him to receive 60 percent, win or lose. Let’s just say he won’t have to worry about the price of Jelly Bellies in the days ahead.
So as Mayweather takes the gloves off, do any labels come off? Is he a blue collar guy, or is he now white collar? Or no collar? He could buy his own franchise or start a thousand companies where he’s the boss. In the case of both fighters, money has given them leverage over life.
For these new NFL draftees and those boxing professionals, their success came after hard work and listening to tough taskmasters. All true athletes know success requires regimen and training, discipline and following orders. So do military men and women.
There is more to say on this topic, which I will address in my blog two weeks from now, Lord willing.
In the meantime, here is another tip from a “spiritual leadership consultant” known as Peter. He writes, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18, ESV)
Ruminate on that for a while. And then we’ll get back together for Round 2 in a couple of weeks.
Ding! There goes the bell.




They can find out your social security number just by knowing your birth date?

We all know not to give out our Social Security number on social networking and other websites, but new research indicates that it is possible to determine one out of every ten social security numbers knowing only a place of birth and birth date! In states with lower numbers of births the odds are even better. The study points out that birth information can be found on numerous social networking sites, or purchased cheaply, for “almost every adult in the United States”.  ***MARLAR: This study sponsored by LIFELOCK…




Updated every Monday! Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous!

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! You’ve heard the phrase, “Take a Bite Out Of Crime”, well that’s exactly what a Boston police dog did and the man that he took the bite out of has successfully sued the dog and the police force.

…”Shadow” the police dog was only doing what he had been trained to do, he helped Patrolman Peter McClelland arrest a suspect. Jerome Jarrett fled on foot after being pulled over for driving unlicensed and uninsured. The chase ended with Shadow biting Jarrett’s right knee. Now, a jury has ordered the Yarmouth Police Department to pay $50,000 in attorney’s fees to the man because “the department has tolerated excessive force in its K-9 unit.”




Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.




The part of the automobile that is responsible for most accidents is the nut holding the steering wheel.




Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 08, 2015…


Hot Pursuit—Reese Witherspoon is a police officer and rather soft at heart. She is supposed to protect Sofia Vergara (former wife of a crook) from bad guys. Trouble is, everyone wants Sofia and the two go on the run (remember the team of Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock who were both police officers), and this buddy-picture continues. The cast includes Richard I. Jones and Michael Mosley. “Hot Pursuit” is rated PG 13. No rating and go back and see “Wild” again.


Lambert & Stamp (opening in select cities)—Documentary directed by James D. Cooper. It is about early filmmakers  Chris Stamp and Kit Lambert finding things for their rock movie, and in doing so, discovered and worked with the rock group, The Who. “Lambert & Stamp” is not rated. Of interest to rock fans.


The D Train—Jack Black decides to plan the 20th class reunion.  How to get people to attend?  He asks the guy (James Marsden) who was the most popular man in the class at that time, to attend and help.  Things don’t always go as planned in this comedy Also in the cast is Jeffrey Tambor. “The D Train” is rated R. No rating.


Dior and I (opening in select cities)—A documentary about Raf Simons, who with eight weeks to go, took over the reins of the House of Dior and was expected to put on a Haute Couture fashion show. Talk about stress!  Besides Simons, there is Anna Wintour, and movie stars Jennifer Lawrence and Sharon Stone. “Dior and I”  is not rated. Rating of 2 for fashion fans.


I Am Big Bird (opening in select cities)—Documentary about the man (Caroll Spinney) who has played the popular Sesame Street character from the first day. Yes, he is over 80 years old and still going strong. What stories to tell. Guest appearances are by Bill Henson and Frank Oz, plus directed by Dave LaMattina and Chad Walker. “I Am Big Bird” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.


MAY 15, 2015…


Pitch Perfect 2 follows the exploits of the Bellas as they try to win yet another music competition. Stars Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson


Mad Max: Fury Road takes us back to the “Mad Max” era and this time Tom Hardy has the Max role with Charlize Theron as a friend and Nicholas Hoult as the enemy.


Animals (opening in select cities) is a film about drug addiction and stars David Dastmalchian and Kim Shaw.


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