May 09, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170509
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hi welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! And I know what you’re thinking: “Gosh he sounds so intelligent. How can he possibly be such a good-looking guy, too?”

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. — Romans 13:8

You know that is was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. — 1 Peter 1:18-19

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. — 1 John 4:21

Thought: Some things are very simple. We can’t love God and refuse to love each other. This is not hard to understand. On the other hand, some of our kinfolks in the Lord are just down right hard to love because they can be so difficult. But, we need to remember who we were when Christ died for us — powerless, ungodly, sinners, enemies (Romans 5:6-11) — yet God loved us and sent Jesus to save us. So before we whine about our “hard-to-live-with” fellow Christians, we had better give thanks that God loved us when we were sinners. Then we need to thank God for his grace by being more loving with each other.

Prayer: Almighty God, please give me the strength, compassion, and courage to love my fellow Christians as you have loved me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 5:9 NIV = Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 09, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
229 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DONATE A DAY’S WAGES TO CHARITY DAY. And if you’re looking for a worthy charity to send your wages to, check out my website – I guarantee every dollar I receive will go directly to the hungry. Namely, me. You don’t get paid a lot as a radio personality.

Today is TEAR THE TAGS OFF MATTRESSES DAY. The truth is that it is not really illegal to tear the tags off of your mattresses once you’ve purchased them and taken them home. Tearing off mattress tags is only illegal for the mattress salespeople.

This is THIRD SHIFT WORKERS DAY. Now, the third shift is often known as the graveyard shift, and that brings a question to my mind. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Today is Memorial Day… no, not the big day every Summer that we all get to stay home from work for… I’m talking about LOST SOCK MEMORIAL DAY. That’s right, a day to remember all of those socks that have been lost in the black hole of the clothes dryer – leaving their partners cold and alone, never to be worn again until they are paired up with another sock that has lost their partner as well. I don’t know what parallel universe or dimension our lost socks go to, but I’m pretty sure that the creatures living there have no problems with cold feet. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Free Trade Day
Mothers At The Wall Day
National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
No Socks Day
Student Nurse Day
Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During the Second World War
V E Day
World Ovarian Cancer Day
World Red Cross / Red Crescent Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 09

National Moscato Day
Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10

Bike To School Day
Dia De La Madre
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Lipid Day: 10 (Dyslipidemia)
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day
World Lupus Day

THURSDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Foam Rolling Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day

FRIDAY, MAY 12

Child Care Provider Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
Limerick Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
Odometer Day
One Day Without Shoes Day

SATURDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Windmill Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Migratory Bird Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 14

Lag B’Omer
Mother’s Day
National Chicken Dance Day
Spring Astronomy Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

MONDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
National Chocolate Chip Day
International MPS Awareness Day
National Slider Day
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

TUESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
Mimosa Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day

ON THIS DAY

1901: John Knight was born in Fairmont, West Virginia. Nicknamed “Fuzzy,” he became Tex Ritter’s sidekick in dozens of western movies. Fuzzy died in 1976.

1903: Blacksmith Fred LaRose of Cobalt, Ontario, threw his hammer at a fox and struck the world’s largest silver vein.

1913: The 17th amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, providing for the election of senators by popular vote rather than selection by state legislatures.

1944: Jimmy Davis became governor of Louisiana. He wrote and recorded the hit song “You Are My Sunshine,” and was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1972.

1960: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved Enovid, the first pill considered safe for birth control use.

1961: Federal Communications Commission Chairman Newton Minow challenged network TV executives to sit through an entire day of their own programming. Minow suggested they would observe a “vast wasteland.” ***Ah yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

1964: Louis Armstrong hit #1 on the Billboard pop chart with “Hello, Dolly!” It was Satchmo’s first #1 hit in his 41-year career.

1974: Three Detroit bandits set a record by stealing 32,500 used watches from a Goodwill Industries warehouse. ***They sold them almost immediately. Not for the money though… they just didn’t want to be stuck setting 32,500 watches when Daylight Savings Time expired.

1984: In Chicago the White Sox beat Milwaukee 7-6 in the 25th inning of history’s longest baseball game: 8 hours 6 minutes. The game had begun the night before but was suspended because of a 1:00 a.m. curfew. ***The game was so long that people left the stadium sober.

1987: Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers were married.

1990: Irish singer Sinead O’Connor refused to appear on “Saturday Night Live” after chauvinist comedian Andrew Dice Clay was named as host.

1991: The Congregational Church in Winnetka, Illinois, made $195,388.53, the largest sum ever raised at a one-day rummage sale.

1999: A truck carrying 20-million bees in 450 hives overturned in Falmouth, Maine. Firefighters quickly sprayed the dumped hives with water to make the bees think it was raining, so they’d stay home. Five firefighters were stung, but none seriously hurt.

2000: The owner of a small Dutch tobacco shop won $4.1 million in the lottery by mistake. Having accidentally printed up more tickets than he could sell, he was forced, by law, to buy the remainder himself. One of the extra tickets was a big winner.

2002: In Bahrain, voters were allowed to cast ballots for the first time in 30 years. Women voted for the first time in the nation’s history.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1619: The Synod of Dort in the Netherlands ends. It condemned Arminianism, a milder form of Calvinism, and banished forty-five ministers who had signed the Arminian Articles of the Remonstrance.

1707: Death of church organist Dietrich Buxtehude. Johann Sebastian Bach had walked miles to hear him play.

1760: Death of Count Nikolaus von Zinzendorf, the pietist leader of the Moravians. He dies quoting a verse about peace.

1848: Andrew Murray is ordained on this, his 20th birthday. He became a notable educator of Christians in South Africa and the author of books on Christian living.

1918: Death of John B. Sumner who wrote the music to the hymn “I’m a Child of the King.” He served as a Methodist clergyman in the United States.

1960: Death of Charles R. Erdman who authored popular commentaries on books of the Bible. He served at the Presbyterian Princeton Seminary.

1983: Pope John Paul II reverses the Catholic Church’s 1633 condemnation of Galileo Galilei’s Copernican heliocentric theory of the universe.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Alexander, The Rundown) Rosario Dawson, 38

  • Actor (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) John Corbett, 55

  • Actress (“Murphy Brown,” “Law & Order:Trial By Jury”) Candice Bergen, 71 (audio clip)

  • Screenwriter/producer/actor (“Taxi,” “The Simpsons,” Spanglish, As Good As It Gets) James L. Brooks, 77 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Oscars for Women in Love and Touch of Class) Glenda Jackson, 80

  • Actor (Big Fish, Traffic) Albert Finney, 81

  • Today is Dagwood Bumstead’s birthday (from the Blondie comic strip), but no one seems to know how old he is.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Hank Snow

1935 : Nokie Edwards (The Ventures)

1937 : Dave Prater (Sam & Dave)

1937 : Sonny Curtis (The Crickets)

1941 : Peter Birrell (Freddie & The Dreamers)

1941 : Danny Rapp (Danny and the Juniors)

1942 : Tommy Roe

1942 : Mike Millward (The Fourmost)

1943 : Bruce Milner (Every Mother’s Son

1944 : Clint Holmes

1944 : Don Dannemann (The Cyrkle)

1944 : Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield, Poco, Souther Hillman Furay Band)

1945 : Steve Katz (Blues Project, Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1949 : Billy Joel

1949 : Bob Margolin

1950 : Tom Petersson (Cheap Trick)

1953 : John Edwards (Status Quo)

1962 : David Gahan (Depeche Mode)

1971 : Bassist Paul McGuigan (Oasis)

1979 : Pierre Bouvier (Simple Plan)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How much ice cream do Americans consume every year?

This really isn’t a typical question for Secrets of the Universe, but I found it interesting, so I thought I’d share it with you. Ice cream is a big business in the U. S., generating over $3 billion in annual sales. Americans consume an average of 23 quarts each every year of this life-giving, nutritious, necessary food. But despite the opportunity to sample any one of 31 flavors at the Baskin-Robbins chain, and the availability of sophisticated concoctions from other manufacturers – love that Cherry Garcia — chocolate and vanilla still fill the dish about half the time when it’s time for ice cream. In the light of these facts it is nothing short of scandalous that the government has yet to establish a minimum daily requirement for ice cream. Write to your Congressman and demand action!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A good reminder from Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall. He posted: I’m always amazed by the extreme contrasts in my life. Last weekend I was climbing and skiing high above the tree line on a vast mountain. This weekend I find myself in the urban center of Minneapolis. I was reminded that beauty can be found almost anywhere if you are willing to take the time to look for it. This is true not only in the physical world around us, but also in the circumstances of our lives. Sometimes we can find immense beauty in the most unlikely places. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTwxbeuDCBw/

We Are Messengers recently shared a moving story from one of their shows. The band posted: a young lady who came to our show a few days ago wore a ring around her neck. She had been a victim of human trafficking and abused for many years. Her captors made her wear this and told her that they would hurt her if she ever took this off. We led this lady to Jesus and after the show she came to us and placed the ring in our hands. Sobbing with joy she said “I’m free”. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTpU0bTgD59/?taken-by=wearemessengersmusic

Jamie Grace was back in Georgia over the weekend. The artist, who recently moved to LA, was at her home church performing a benefit concert. The church was robbed earlier this year and Jamie was helping to replace the items lost in that robbery.

Danny Gokey took a break from touring last week to promote his line of eye wear. He posted: Took a quick flight home from tour to talk to 2,000 optometrists about The Danny Gokey Eyewear Collection. Now back to my day job.

https://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/860622835710087171/photo/1

We are Messengers have a new bus. About six weeks after a crash and fire that destroyed their bus and many of their personal belongings, the posted: Today is a wonderful day. We got our new bus. We have the most incredible supporters, friends and fans in the world. Thank you for believing in us and making this possible. Fans of the group raised more than $73,0000 to purchase the new bus and help the band replace the items lost in the crash. https://www.instagram.com/p/BThD7MVAOS-/

Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey had a rough start to his trip to the Dominican Republic. The day before leaving on the trip with Compassion International Mike tore his calf muscle while playing basketball. That means Mike will be making the trip on crutches. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTuTNYCjKha/

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey is now a married man. The band posted a picture of the happy couple over the weekend and added: We had such an incredible time celebrating his marriage this weekend! https://twitter.com/swprophets/status/861296566979747842/photo/1

In recognition of her significant contributions to Nashville and its musical heritage, six-time GRAMMY winner Amy Grant was recently inducted into the Music City Walk of Fame. The ceremony took place in Nashville’s Walk of Fame Park on April 27, 2017. http://ht.ly/KD9X30bt51U

A great reminder as you begin your day from Randy Phillips of Phillips, Craig and Dean: I will not give anyone the power to ruin my day!

Jonny Diaz shared some good reminders:

Smile More

Wake Up Early

Do meaningful work

Show more gratitude

Let go of negative habits

Unfollow negative people

Create beautiful memories

Appreciate the little things

https://twitter.com/jonnydiaz/status/856492610566983680/photo/1

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In England, a woman claims she can’t leave the house because she’s allergic to Wi-fi signals and cell phones. ***Which is strange, because I didn’t think life was possible without them.

In the Ukraine a man robbed a store, making off with about $200. Two blocks away he took off his pants and ran. When police caught up the man he told them losing his pants was part of his disguise. ***I’ve got nothing to add to that.

Here’s a wedding nobody will forget. A video is going viral showing a female minister throwing up in the middle of the ceremony – just as the bride and groom say their vows! The video shows the female minister bending her head to the side to vomit and has been viewed over 400,000 times. The footage begins with touching scenes as the beautiful bride promises to be her husband’s “best friend and biggest advocate.” But in the background, the minister’s complexion begins to turn pale and sickly, as she shuffles awkwardly from side-to-side. Next, her expression turns to one of panic and desperation before her cheeks begin to bulge and she turns her head and lets it all out. The visibly shaken bride continues her vows, promising to love her husband as the minister lies on the floor. ***Through sickness and health and horrifying wedding ceremonies, till death do us part.

Paris Hilton has just signed a seven-figure deal with Calvin Klein. ***The only way this makes sense to me is if Calvin Klein is paying seven figures if Paris agrees NOT to wear their product.

A Baylor University fraternity has been suspended after holding a Mexican-themed “Cinco de Drinko” party. ***I’m going to take a wild guess and say this had less to do with the alcohol, and more to do with someone complaining that their heritage was being stolen – because that is the ultimate of sins nowadays on liberal snowflake campuses.

Bombay Sapphire Gin is being recalled because of the alcohol content. It’s supposed to be 40% — some bottles have been as high as 77%. And they’re calling that “defective?” That’s just over-delivering to your customer in my world.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

People who are thin apparently still need to worry about fat on the INSIDE. Some doctors now think that the internal fat surrounding vital organs like the heart and liver could be as dangerous as the more obvious external fat that bulges underneath the skin. ***So you can be a 99-pound weakling, and still be morbidly obese? What’s the point of trying anymore?

A recent survey found women spend $125,000 on clothing in a lifetime. ***Even with that, 60% say they still struggle to find something to wear on a daily basis.

Did you know taking a break from it all actually benefits your psychological health? According to Journal Applied Research in Quality of Life studies have shown the largest boost in happiness comes from the simple act of planning a vacation. In the study, the effect of vacation anticipation boosted happiness for eight weeks. ***Did you catch that this is just planning the vacation? Apparently you don’t actually have to take the vacation in order to be happy, you just have to think about it! That’s right – the world of inserting memories directly into your brain (a la “TOTAL RECALL”) is actually a great mental health plan.

Has anyone ever told you how much you and your mate look alike? Chances are it’s because you really do. Researchers from the University of Liverpool, in conjunction with the University of Durham and the University of St. Andrews, have determined that the longer we’re with someone, the more we grow alike in appearance. ***I’d like to apologize now for the way my wife is eventually going to look.

Children exposed to violence in video games and on TV, display similar reactions to those who witness war and acts of violence in real life, according to an Australian study. ***So if your child has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it could be that they’re watching too much My Little Pony.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king. So all of the animals went out searching all throughout the jungle to find a replacement king… someone to be king so Louis wouldn’t have to. And it looks like they’re getting pretty close!


CLOSE: Being king of the jungle is an awful big responsibility… and it looks like it requires an awful big crown too! But the crown doesn’t fit Louis, so there must be someone else around that can be king! We’ll find out who next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Just because you’re a police officer doesn’t mean you’re above committing a Moment of Duh!

Florida Police Lieutenant Robert Musco, recently sent out a memo stating that each officer should give a minimum of two UTCs (Uniform Traffic Citations) per shift.  But then he qualified his statement saying he’s “not into quotas,” which are illegal. ***MARLAR: Never mind the fact that requiring two citations per shift is exactly the definition of a “quota.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A MISSIONARY

  • You do your devotions in another language.

  • You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

  • You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.

  • You can cut grass with a machete, but can’t start a lawnmower.

  • You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.

  • You consider a city 500 km away to be “very close”.

  • You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

  • You read National Geographic and recognize someone.

  • You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.

  • You can’t answer the question, “Where are you from?”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

When do you, as a police officer, have too much power? 

FILE #1: The answer is simple… when you can issue parking tickets to those that arent’ even parked!  A police officer in Norway handed a woman, hopelessly stuck in a rush hour traffic jam, a $73 parking ticket!  The judge in the case, outraged at the audacity of the officer, ordered the police department to pay the woman $585 in court costs.

FILE #2: Shannon Paige Morphis has been charged with armed robbery of the First State Bank in Rives, Tenn. Here’s what she did with the money. Shannon went to the court with the money from the robbery and paid off about $1,100 in bad checks. Then, she wired $575 to some company in Georgia. She was behind in payments on her trailer.

FILE #3: A woman robs a bank so she can take the money to the courthouse? Two inmates at Cook County (Ill.) jail managed to swindle as many as 12 people ($9,000 from one woman) by calling them at random, collect (even though a message broke in automatically every 60 seconds identifying the call as coming from jail), and promising to cleanse the callees’ nonexistent criminal records for a fee.  The men have been indicted.

STRANGE LAW: In Florida it is illegal to skateboard without a license.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you’re planning on being a successful drug dealer, it’s probably not a good idea to hand out business cards advertising your chosen profession.

Drug dealers in Kansas City made it easy for cops to get their number: they were handing out business cards to kids. The alleged drug dealers were handing out business cards embossed with the slogan “Dunn Deal Enterprises.” One of the cards featured a picture of a fistful of cash, while another had a marijuana leaf. Both cards gave the same phone number. Police called the number and set up an undercover buy. If convicted, the two men arrested face up to ten years in prison.

PHONER PHUN

Now a study has confirmed what first-borns have always suspected: The oldest kid in the family really does bear the brunt of parental strictness, while the younger brothers and sisters generally coast on through. If you were the first child did you get punished more than your younger brothers and sisters? Ever get punished for something that your younger brother or sister did?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many sons did Gideon have?

ANSWER: Seventy (Jude 8:30)

QUESTION What was Pilate’s verdict in trying Jesus?

ANSWER: Not guilty. (John 18:38)

QUESTION: How did Michal, David’s wife, help David to escape the king’s messengers?
ANSWER: She put a dummy in the bed (1 Samuel 19:12-16)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What animal is believed to have the best hearing?
ANSWER: The barn owl – even though its ears can’t be seen. Its face is dish shaped, enabling the owl to receive sounds like sonar.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In the Southern Hemisphere, summer begins in December. (True)

2. In target archery, a bulls-eye is worth 50 points. (True, it’s worth ten points)

3. If an animal is a “limnivore,” it eats trees. (False, it eats mud)

4. 200 Salem Witches were actually burned at the stake. (False, The truth of the matter is that we hanged the witches.)

5. The comic book title Superman is older than the Batman comics. (True, Action Comics #1 came out in June 1938 and introduced the world to Superman. As for Batman, he’s a wee bit younger. Detective Comics #27 came out about a year after Action Comics #1 in May 1939.)

6. The only part of your body that can stick to metal in cold weather is your tongue. (False, Any moist, warm part of the skin can succumb to this cruel twist of nature, so even a sweaty palm on a cold doorknob can be a recipe for disaster.)

7. Ulysses S. Grant is buried in Grant’s Tomb along with his wife. (True)

8. The motto “E Pluribus Unum” on U.S. money means “good luck in life.” (False, it means, “One out of many”)

9. Richard M. Nixon’s middle name was Michael. (False, Milhous)

10. Maine has the most hazardous waste sites. (False, New Jersey)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

KUNG FU ________ (HAMSTER)

Watch out!  The Kung Fu Hamster is coming to get you.

Flying through the air, his teeth bared, this hamster is one feisty customer.

The rogue rodent was caught leaping into the frame after executing an ambush on an unsuspecting dog-walker and her canine companions.

The attack occurred in Hradok, Slovakia, and frightened Marta Domotorova and her hounds out of their collective wits.

The furry-fury exploded out of the grass, aiming itself directly at the innocent party.

Domotorova told The Mirror: “Bona started barking and Meggie wanted to sniff it.

“I guess it got pretty scared although both dogs are harmless and just wanted to play.

“But then they got pretty scared when it started its kung fu chops.”

Experts say the firey furball is likely to be an escaped domestic pet. With a thing about Bruce Lee movies, presumably.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1 (Treat this one as a real story until you get to the punchline for maximum impact!)

The Green Bay Packers had a pretty good scare on Tuesday… an anthrax scare!

“National Guard officials report that The Green Bay Packers football practice was delayed for nearly two hours Tuesday after one of the players, while on his way to the locker room, noticed a suspicious-looking unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Mike McCarthy immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was actually… the goal line. Practice resumed when FBI Special Agents decided the team was not likely to encounter the substance again.” (Yes folks, this is a joke!)

JOKE #2

Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, “Are we there yet?”

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, “Is it dark yet?”

JOKE #3

A young boy came up to his father in the study, busily preparing a sermon for the next Sunday.  “Dad, how do you know what to write down to say?”

“Well,” replied the father, “God tells me what to preach.”

“Then why are you crossing out so much on your page?”

USELESS FACTS

Thieves in Switzerland stole four paintings by artists such as van Gogh and Monet worth $163 million.  ***Police say the crooks are armed and pretentious.

Fluffy, a 24-foot python billed as the largest snake in captivity, is staying put to lure visitors into the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium. ***Well, that’s THEIR story.  But then, YOU try telling a snake where to go.

FEATURED FUNNIES

I WON!

A little boy came home excitedly from kindergarten with a blue ribbon.  When his mommy asked him “What is the blue ribbon for?” he proudly announced, “I won!”

When pressed for details he simply said, “The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has.  When my turn came, I guessed FIVE.”

“Five???” his mother gasped, “but a cow only has FOUR legs.  How do you get a blue ribbon for guessing five?”

“I won because my guess was the closest.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Prepare to be freaked-out.  Your private thoughts may soon not be so private. 

Scientists from Japan and the United States have figured out how to read a person’s mind by remotely measuring brain activity, extracting information of which the subject is not even aware.  The study findings were published in the journal Nature Neuroscience.  So far it’s pretty rudimentary stuff in that the mind-reading machine can only identify visual patterns a volunteer can see or has chosen to look at. But the researchers are hopeful that the approach will eventually probe into a person’s awareness, focus of attention and memory.  ***MARLAR: If this were really to happen, it would be extremely unnerving… but on the upside, you would always be able to ask somebody where you misplaced your car keys!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WOULD YOU LIKE A DOUGHNUT?

There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. Christensen, a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr. Christensen taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular Institution. Every student was required to take this course his freshman year, regardless of his or her major.

Although Dr. Christensen tried hard to communicate the essence of the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery. Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.

This year, Dr. Christensen had a special student named Steve. Steve was studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry. Steve was popular, he was well liked, and he was an imposing physical specimen. He was now the starting center on the school football team, and was the best student in the professor’s class.

One day, Dr. Christensen asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. “How many push-ups can you do?”

Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”

“200? That’s pretty good, Steve”, Dr. Christensen said. “Do you think you could do 300?”

Steve replied, “I don’t know…. I’ve never done 300 at a time.”

“Do you think you could?”, again asked Dr. Christensen.

“Well, I can try”, said Steve.

“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it”, said the professor.

Steve said, “Well…I think I can…yeah, I can do it.”

Dr. Christensen said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me explain what I have in mind.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. No, these weren’t the normal kinds of donuts, they were the BIG, extra fancy kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.

Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of the year, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr. Christensen’s class. Dr. Christensen went to the first girl in the first row and asked: “Cynthia, do you want to have one of these donuts?”

Cynthia said, “Yes.”

Dr. Christensen then turned to Steve and asked: “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?”

“Sure.” Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Dr. Christensen put a donut on Cynthia’s desk.

Dr. Christensen then went to Joe, the next person, and asked: “Joe, do you want a donut?”

Joe said, “Yes.”

Dr. Christensen asked, “Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?” Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle. Steve did ten push-ups for every person before they got their donut.

Walking down the second aisle, Dr. Christensen came to Scott. Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good condition as Steve. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship. When the professor asked, “Scott do you want a donut?”

Scott’s reply was, “Well, can I do my own push-ups?”

Dr. Christensen said, “No, Steve has to do them.”

Then Scott said, “Well, I don’t want one then.”

Dr.. Christensen shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked: “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have a donut he doesn’t want?” With perfect obedience Steve started to do ten push-ups.

Scott said, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”

Dr. Christensen said, “Look! This is my classroom, my class, my desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it.” And he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Dr. Christensen started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry. Dr. Christensen asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut?”

Sternly, Jenny said, “No.”

Then, Dr. Christensen asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten. By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were beginning to say ‘No’ and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve also had to really put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Dr. Christensen asked Robert, who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the full ten push-ups in a set because he couldn’t bear to watch all of Steve’s work for all of those uneaten donuts. He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely.

Dr. Christensen started down the fourth row. During his class, however, some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room. When the professor realized this, he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Dr. Christensen went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set. Steve asked Dr. Christensen, “Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?”

Dr. Christensen thought for a moment, “Well, they’re your push-ups. You are in charge now. You can do them any way that you want.” And Dr. Christensen went on.

A few moments later, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one voice, “No! Don’t come in! Stay out!” Jason didn’t know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.”

Professor Christensen said, “You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten push-ups for him?”

Steve said, “Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut.”

Dr. Christensen said, “Okay, Steve, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?”

Jason, new to the room, hardly knew what was going on. “Yes”, he said, “Give me a donut.”

“Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?” Steve did ten push-ups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Dr. Christensen finished the fourth row, and then started on those visitors seated by the heaters. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. By this time, sweat was profusely dropping off of his face, there was no sound except his heavy breathing; there was not a dry eye in the room. The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very popular. Dr. Christensen went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, “Linda, do you want a donut?”

Linda said, very sadly, “No, thank you.”

Professor Christensen quietly asked, “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn’t want?” Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push-ups for Linda.

Then Dr. Christensen turned to the last girl, Susan. “Susan, do you want a donut?”

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, began to cry.. “Dr. Christensen, why can’t I help him?”

Dr. Christensen, with tears of his own, said: “No, Steve has to do it alone. I have given him this task, and he is in charge of seeing that everyone has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or not. When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade book. Steve here is the only student with a perfect grade. Everyone else has failed a test, skipped class, or offered me inferior work. Steve told me, that in football practice, when a player messes up he must do push-ups. I told Steve that none of you could come to my party unless he paid the price by doing your pushups. He and I made a deal for your sakes.” He then again turned to Steve. “Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?”

As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor. Dr. Christensen turned to the room and said: “And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross, plead to the Father, ‘Into Thy hands I commend My spirit.’ With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, He yielded up His life. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically exhausted, but wearing a thin smile. “Well done, good and faithful servant”, said the professor, adding: “Not all sermons are preached in words.”

Turning to his class, the professor said, “My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He spared not only His Begotten Son, but gave Him up for us all, for the whole Church, now and forever. Whether or not we choose to accept His gift to us, the price has been paid. Wouldn’t you be foolish and ungrateful to leave it lying on the desk?”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Never Meant To Drive, (Luke 7:29-30)

This is a true story. It happened on Long Island, just outside of New York City. A little 2-year old girl asked her mommy to drive her to get an ice cream cone. Mom said she was feeling sick and needed to nap. But that little girl had a very observant 5-year old brother. After Mom was asleep, he told his sister, “I’ll take you.” He knew where Mom’s car keys were . . . got them out of her purse, and proceeded to get his sister settled in the car. Then he started the car, backed it out of the driveway, and then slowly drove it to the stop sign at the end of the street.

He managed to maneuver the car out onto the main road. It was at that point that a policeman happened to see that car moving down the road – apparently without a driver! He gave chase until the invisible driver pulled over to the side of the road. Wouldn’t you love to have seen the look on the Policeman’s face when he walked up to the car and saw this little boy at the wheel? Thankfully, this had a happy ending. You know this was a car headed for disaster – with that little guy driving!

That boy was never meant to drive. And with someone driving who never should have, you know there was a crash coming. There are people’s LIVES like that – with the wrong person driving . . . ultimately headed for a crash. It could be yours.

The “who’s driving?” issue created two distinct kinds of people in Jesus’ day – and, in fact, it still does today. Our word for today from the Word of God, Luke 7:29, 30. “All the people, even the tax collectors (those were considered the sleazy guys in Jesus’ day), when they heard Jesus’ words, acknowledged that God’s way was right.” Interesting – some of the people you would least expect to end up with Jesus are the very ones who do.

“But the Pharisees and experts in the law rejected God’s purposes for themselves.” This is pretty sobering stuff for some of us who are religious people . . . people of the Bible . . . even religious leaders. THOSE were the people who totally missed Jesus . . . who, according to the Bible, missed the whole purpose for their lives. Actually, if you miss Jesus, you DO miss the purpose you were created for – because God says, “All things were created by Him and for Him” (Colossians 1:16). Including you.

How can someone who’s been around Jesus . . . who’s knows a lot about Jesus – still miss Jesus – and ultimately the heaven that only those who know Jesus will ever see. The people who ended up with Jesus came to the point where they saw God’s way was right – that God should be driving their life. The people who ended up without Jesus wanted to live their lives for their purposes – they were “my way” people. They insisted on driving – and it cost them everything.

In Matthew 7 Jesus describes people who will stand before Him on Judgment Day, expecting to get into heaven. They tell Him about all the wonderful Christian things they have done. And Jesus speaks to them some of the most chilling words in the Bible – “Depart from Me. I never knew you.” Those are words I don’t ever want you to hear – words HE doesn’t ever want you to hear.

Which is why I must ask you – Has there ever really been a time when you have relinquished the steering wheel of your life and turned it over to Jesus? You were never meant to drive. But you have. The price is crashing eternally.

Jesus died on that cross to erase your sin-penalty and give you eternal life. You may have been around Jesus a lot . . . you may know a lot about Him . . . and still have missed that moment of surrendering your life to Him. This could be that moment. Tell Him you’re done driving – that you are putting your total trust in Him because He loved you enough to die for you. Let Jesus begin driving today. He’ll take you where you could never drive yourself.

Written by Ron Hutchcraft.

LEFTOVERS

MOTHER’S DAY BANNED!

While most of us were getting ready to honor our mothers for Mother’s Day, students at a certain private (and pricey) private school in New York were being informed that – because some children are being raised by same-sex couples, Mother’s Day had been banned at school. Don’t worry though, in the interests of fairness, Father’s Day is also a no-no. Parents of children who attend Rodeph Sholom Day School in New York did not find out about this new school policy until their children showed up at home with a note tucked in their book bags. ***MARLAR: Sure, so let’s ban every holiday that maybe a small minority of people might be offended by – after all, it’s only fair. Christmas… gone. Easter… gone. Independence Day… gone. Halloween… gone. Valentine’s Day… gone. Let’s get rid of all of them… after all, one or two people might not like those days. It’s only fair, right? Hey, while we’re at it, let’s ban Be Kind To Teachers Week… we need to be consistent now. And hey, teachers, you know all of those Federal holidays you get off that no one else gets? Like Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents Day, etc.? Well… I’m offended that we don’t get those days off unless we work for the government… so we should ban all of them too!

LIFE… LIVE IT

SNORING MAKES YOU STUPID?

Snoring can not only be annoying; it might actually make you less intelligent.

A German clinic, explaining how snoring can be stopped through minor surgery, cited a US study which showed that in addition to being an irritating habit, snoring kills brain cells by depriving the body of oxygen. The study found that snorers performed worst in tests of intelligence, speed of reaction and visual coordination. The clinic said that laser surgery could solve the problem by cutting away tissue to allow the patient to breathe more freely while sleeping.  ***MARLAR: In other news, snoring can not only be annoying; it might actually make you less intelligent . . .

JUST FOR FUN

WANNA LIVE TO BE 100?

You can live to be 100 or more with tips from 25 men and women ages 101 to 126:

  • Never go to bed angry at anyone, especially yourself- or your spouse.

  • If you smoke or drink, don’t fret about it. Just be sure to eat right and get some exercise to maintain the best possible health.

  • Never, ever get on an airplane.

  • Don’t drive at night.

  • Try to do something nice for somebody else every day.

  • Don’t let others get under your skin.

  • Have lots of children and enjoy them.

  • Don’t worry needlessly about money.

  • Take time out to relax.

  • Never second-guess yourself. When you make a decision act on it- and forget it. Move on to other things.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT YOUR FAVORITE BASEBALL TEAM HAS ALREADY GIVEN UP THIS SEASON

  • Tonight is “Who wants to pitch?” night.

  • Bullpen now filled with actual bear cubs.

  • Outfielders warm up each inning by tossing a Frisbee.

  • Manager sitting in dugout next to packed suitcase.

  • Player on first base has glove in one hand and beer in the other.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

They can find out your social security number just by knowing your birth date?

We all know not to give out our Social Security number on social networking and other websites, but new research indicates that it is possible to determine one out of every ten social security numbers knowing only a place of birth and birth date! In states with lower numbers of births the odds are even better. The study points out that birth information can be found on numerous social networking sites, or purchased cheaply, for “almost every adult in the United States”.  ***MARLAR: This study sponsored by LIFELOCK…

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Intense anger can be bad for a lot of things: your job performance, your driving record, your ability to keep a girlfriend, and in certain cases, your odds of persuading the parole board to let you out on good behavior. But what angry outbursts are really bad for is your health a fact just confirmed by a scary study at the University of Sydney, which found that, for as much as two hours after you blow your stack, your risk of a heart attack is nine time higher. If you have anger issues, get treatment now. Learn deep breathing, and practice exiting from volatile situations at the first sign of trouble. Ask God to tap you on the shoulder at the first sign of you getting angry so you can change course. Nine times higher is nothing to fool around with.

A study from Kitasato University shows that for those with chronic diseases, owning an animal can help improve heart health. Researchers monitored almost 200 people with chronic diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol over 24 hours, and found that those with a pet, whether furry, feathered or scaly, had a higher heart rate variability than those who did not. That means that their hearts respond better to changing requirements of the body, such as beating faster during stressful situations. Reduced heart rate variability has been linked with an increased risk of dying from heart diseases. Study lead author Naoko Aiba says, “Among patients with coronary artery disease, pet owners exhibit a greater one year survival rate than non-owners.”

New research has found that while evangelical millennials take more liberal views than older generations on some issues, they agree with older generations on others. The two biggest issues which the Pew Forum analyzed were gay rights and abortion. Research revealed that young evangelical Protestants were more accepting of gay marriage and gay rights than their parents, but shared with older generations conservative views on abortion. http://dlvr.it/P49VRT

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The part of the automobile that is responsible for most accidents is the nut holding the steering wheel.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 05, 2017…

Guardians Of The Galaxy: Volume II—And here comes the first of the early summer blockbusters. For fans, Chris Pratt (Star Lord) is back in action with his friends the Raccoon (voice of Bradley Cooper) and Baby Groot (Vin Diesel.) Also, there are Karen Gillan, Dave Battista, Kurt Russell. and Michael Rooker. Directed by James Gunn, the group is out to find out more about Chris‘s parents, plus they have Awesome Tape 2 for company. “Guardians Of The Galaxy: Volume II” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Lovers—In this comedy, Debra Winger and Tracy Letts are getting a divorce and a final parting of the ways…until, they re-discover each other again. What to do? Also in the cast is Aidan Dillan. “The Lovers” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Dinner—Richard Gere, Steve Coogan and Laura Linney star in this film about a special dinner that will determine the future of their children. It is a thriller about how parents protect their children and to what lengths they will go. “The Dinner” is rated R. No rating.

3 Generations–This is a film about a young woman who wants to change her gender. Mom is played by Naomi Watts, while the grandmother is Susan Sarandon, Elle Fanning plays the young woman. And how do the generations handle this new situation? “3 Generations” is rated R. No rating.

Chuck—Liev Schreiber is the boxer Chuck Wepner who was the inspiration for the film “Rocky” that made Sylvester Stallone famous. “Chuck” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 12, 2017…

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword has Charlie Hunnam (“Sons of Anarchy”) as Arthur and getting the sword from the stone.

Snatched is a comedy about a road trip and stars Amy Schumer.

The Wall concerns snipers and stars John Cena.

The Locksmith is a horror film about crime in the south and stars Don Wallace.

Lowriders concerns the macho world of redoing cars to ride low and fast. Stars Demian Bichir and Eva Longoria.

Paris Can Wait has Diane Lane becoming tired of Hollywood and going on a road trip in France.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.