May 10, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180510
PDF: 20180510

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to high definition radio! It sounds best if your ears are really far apart.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“There is nothing wrong with America that the faith, love of freedom, intelligence and energy of her citizens cannot cure.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. — 1 Corinthians 1:18

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. — 1 Peter 2:2-3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds… — Ephesians 4:22-23

Thought: We are made new when we become Christians. Most of us, however, have moments when the old way of life erupts and wants to make its presence known. This means that being new is a lifetime decision we must make each day. As we make that commitment and seek to follow the Lordship of our Savior, the Holy Spirit’s power (that Paul talks about all through Ephesians) is promised to us and the Spirit’s goal is to mature us to be like Christ. (Eph. 4:12-16; 2 Cor. 3:18)

Prayer: Almighty God and dear Heavenly Father, please bless me today as I seek to live as a new person — cleansed, made holy, and empowered by your Spirit. Give me a new and clean mind as I intentionally put aside my old habits and desires. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Peter 5:10 NIV = And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 10, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
228 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is DONATE A DAY’S WAGES TO CHARITY DAY. ***I sent my check to the Red Cross, but they sent it back with a note saying, “if this is a day’s wages for you, keep it – you obviously need it more than we do.”

Today is LEARN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN ABOUT COFFEE RAPIDS, IDAHO DAY. ***Truthfully, learning that there’s such a place as Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho is enough for me. By the way, a recent study has shown that one hundred cups of coffee over four hours contain enough caffeine to kill an average human. Who is that a problem for? I mean, I take my coffee-drinking seriously, don’t get me wrong, but if I ever get to the point that I’m drinking one hundred cups of coffee in one sitting, I have more problems than just trying to stay awake.

Today is NATIONAL CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM DAY and NATIONAL SMALL BUSINESS DAY. ***Or you can look into starting a small business of cleaning up other people’s rooms. You can start with our General Manager’s office; it looks as if he’s gone on vacation and brought back most of Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho.

Today is TRUST YOUR INTUITION DAY. It’s a day to pay homage to “gut” feelings and “still small voices.” ***Sometimes though, those gut feelings backfire on you. After all, somebody came up with the brilliant idea of naming their town Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho.

YOU SHOULD TRUST YOUR INTUITION WHEN…

  • The bungee cord looks a little weak.

  • The diamond looks like a cubic zirconium.

  • The hotel you want to stay at doesn’t post pictures online.

  • The job listing says “perfect for recent grads,” and it’s full of typographical errors.

  • The meat in your fridge looks kind of grey.

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Lipid Day
World Lupus Day
World Migratory Bird Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

SATURDAY, MAY 12

American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Limerick Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Dog Mom’s Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
National Windmill Day
Native American Rights Day
Odometer Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
Mother’s Day
Mother’s At The Wall Day

MONDAY, MAY 14

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

TUESDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
International MPS Awareness Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
National Slider Day (the food)
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
International Day of Light
Mimosa Day
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
National Juice Slush Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day
Ramadan begins
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

THURSDAY, MAY 17
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

ON THIS DAY

1850: Sir Thomas Lipton, the tea genius, was born. ***I still can’t figure out how he did it. I keep planting those tea bags every year, and I’ve yet to grow a single glass.

1869: A golden spike was driven at Promontory, Utah, marking completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the U.S. ***Of course, the first train arrived late.

1908: The first Mother’s Day observance took place during a church service in Grafton, West Virginia.

1909: In the Blue Grass League, Winchester’s Fred Toney pitched 17 no-hit innings before finally winning 1-0 over Lexington.

1953: After seven years in the minors, Frank Verdi was inserted into the late-inning Yankee lineup. As he walked to the plate for his first major-league at bat, the opposing coach called time to change pitchers. Yankee manager Casey Stengel sent up a pinch-hitter for Verdi, who went back to the minors two days later and never got to swing at a major league pitch. ***Do you think he even bothered telling his kids or grandkids about that? “Yeah, I made it to the big time… I warmed that bench for two days – and it was the best bench I ever sat upon!”

1963: Decca Records signed The Rolling Stones. The group had been recommended by Beatle George Harrison.

1969: Tricia Nixon’s “Masque Ball” at the White House starred the Turtles and the Temptations. Turtle Mark Volman fell of the stage — five times.

1986: Actress Heather Locklear and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee were married.

1990: The world’s largest painting was unveiled at Armidale, NSW, Australia. Students at Robb College painted a 72,437-square-foot smiley face.

1996: In Texas a Cochran County sheriff’s deputy accidentally shot himself and a dispatcher while giving a firearm safety demonstration. Both were hospitalized with non-life-threatening leg wounds.

1999: Police in Rapids Parish, Louisiana, recognized a man wanted in Houston for aggravated assault when they saw him on Jerry Springer in a televised battle between the man and his sister. Police rushed to a local relative’s home where the family was still watching Springer and arrested the suspect.

1999: A 23-year-old Chandler, Arizona, man called police for help after he handcuffed himself and didn’t have the key. Police uncuffed the man, then quickly arrested him after a computer check revealed a warrant for failing to appear in court for driving on a suspended license.

2002: NBA owners approved the Hornets’ move to New Orleans, ending the team’s 14-year stay in Charlotte.

2002: Dr. Pepper announced it would introduce a new flavor for the first time in 117 years. They called it Red Fusion.

2003: Old Spice deodorant agreed to sponsor the annual Festival of the Pit in Battle Mountain, Nevada, dubbed by Washington Post Magazine as the nation’s armpit. The festival is held in August each year when the town is at its smelliest. Highlights usually include an armpit beauty pageant, a sweat t-shirt contest, and a “quick-draw” antiperspirant contest.

2005: Germany dedicated a new national Holocaust memorial.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1310: In Paris, 54 Knights Templar are burned alive. The Catholic Church created the Templars to protect Holy Land pilgrims from bandits, but the knights’ quick rise in power and wealth made them unpopular. Philip the Fair of France against them trumped up charges of blasphemy and homosexuality to convince Pope Clement to disband the order and persecute its members.

1692: Anglicanism is made the state church of Maryland; three years later this is overturned. Ironically, the state had been founded by Lord Baltimore to give refuge to Roman Catholics.

1886: Karl Barth, one of the most important theologians of the twentieth century and opponent of theological liberalism and political fascism (especially under Hitler), is born in Basel, Switzerland. When asked in 1962 (on his one visit to America) how he would summarize the essence of the millions of words he had published, he replied, “Jesus loves me. This I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

1887: Ian Keith Falconer, a Britisher carrying the gospel to Aden, is martyred.

1939: Three major division of the Methodist church reunite in the US after 109 years of separation.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Becky in “Glee”) Lauren Potter, 27

  • Actor (“Saturday Night Live”, Snakes on a Plane, Fat Albert) Kenan Thompson 40

  • Model Linda Evangelista, 53

  • Cartoon character Homer Simpson, 63

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1899 : Fred Astaire

1909 : Maybelle Carter

1935 : Larry Williams

1938 : Henry Fambrough (The Spinners)

1940 : Arthur Alexander

1941 : Danny Rapp (Danny and the Juniors)

1946 : Dave Mason (Traffic)

1946 : Donovan

1946 : Graham Gouldman (10cc)

1947 : Jay Ferguson (Spirit, Jo Jo Gunne)

1952 : Sly Dunbar (Sly & Robbie)

1957 : Sid Vicious (The Sex Pistols)

1960 : Bono (U2). Born Paul Hewson. He later shortens his nickname from Bono Vox to simply Bono.

1967 : Young MC

1980 : Jason Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

1985 : Ashley Poole (Dream)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Do porcupines really shoot their quills at their enemies?

There are two denizens of the woods that are peculiar in their means of defending themselves. One is the skunk, who will put up a big stink when cornered. The other is the porcupine, which looks like a walking pincushion. Most of us have come across the skunk’s calling card in the country, but I’ll bet you’ve never encountered a porcupine except in a zoo. So I’ll just have to tell you: this little charmer does not launch itty-bitty guided missiles at its foes. In fact, the animal’s first line of protection against an attacker is to run like the dickens in the opposite direction. But if cornered, the porcupine will turn its rear end to its enemy–mooned by a porcupine!–and whack it with its quill-covered tale. The other party usually gets the point.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A 15-year-old girl in England was left with horrific burns after deodorant was sprayed on her arm in the latest dumb challenge. This challenge involves spraying aerosol deodorant onto a person’s bare skin for as long as they can stand it – which ends up giving the person frostbite.  The spray deodorant left the girl with a nasty wound on her forearm where doctors had to perform a skin graft.  ***But her arm did smell powder-blue fresh.

iPhone is often considered a luxury product, since budget-minded consumers generally buy cheaper Android devices. However, 82% of U.S. teens now own iPhones.  ***So I guess we can congratulation Donald Trump on the improved economy.

In St. Petersburg, Florida, police arrested 57-year-old Jennifer Sue Roberts for calling 911 not once, but twice claiming she had a medical emergency. Roberts reportedly appeared intoxicated when paramedics arrived after the second call. Turns out her “medical emergency” was just that she wanted beer. Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office records indicate Roberts, who also reportedly goes by Jennifer Sue Sunday, has been accused of dialing 911 without an emergency on 28 occasions. ***If you consider being out of alcohol an emergency, it might be time to dial back the libations a bit.

Facebook is said to be looking at producing their own TV series. ***It will be similar to the comedy TV show “Friends”, but none of the characters actually know each other.

What is decision fatigue, and how do you work around it? Psychological research suggests that the least productive time of day is the mid-afternoon, right around 3pm. Conversely, the most productive time to work is within the first two hours after you wake up. Because just like your body, your brain gets tired. Psychologists call it decision fatigue. Making decisions uses the very same willpower that you use to say no to doughnuts or drugs,” says psychologist Roy F. Baumeister.  “When you make a decision — or avoid a temptation — you’re using up the supply of mental energy you have for a day, in the same way that you can only lift a weight so many times before your muscles give up on you.” For this reason, leaders like Barack Obama and Mark Zuckerberg wear the same thing to work every day, since it removes their need to make a decision about how they’re going to dress.  ***Let’s be honest here.  If you’re getting decision fatigue from pulling clothes out of the closet, you might need a psychologist for more than just decision fatigue.

In Keanu Reeves news, “John Wick 3” is already filming.  ***Which is something many people want to see.  In the meantime, “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 3” is signed and going to happen – which is something many people don’t want to see.

In Northern Ireland, Brenda McLaughlin sustained a circular hole in her skull when she was at a nightclub and attacked by a 17-year-old male assailant armed with a power drill.  The teen assailant was arrested and stands accused of unlawfully and maliciously causing grievous bodily harm to Ms. McLaughlin and is further accused of stealing the power drill that belonged to the nightclub where all this went down. Police were called by witnesses who reported a woman lying injured on the ground with blood coming from her head and lapsing in and out of consciousness. Thankfully, there does not appear to have been any brain damage.  ***On Brenda that is.  The teenaged attacker most definitely had brain damage before he even got to the club.

California is working on a plan to tax space travel by the mile. ***Leave it to a bunch of space cases to try and tax something they don’t own. How do you tax SPACE – something that’s not only NOT in your state, it’s not on your PLANET!

New research says that the average American works two more hours a day than the peasant of medieval times.  ***Plus we still complain about being underpaid.

Adele celebrated her 30th birthday over the weekend with a Titanic themed party.  ***As hard as it is to keep a music career afloat, why theme a party around something known for sinking?

In Gulfport, Mississippi, 32-year-old Shaun Michael Stroud has been accused of stealing a John Deere front-end loader, then using it to ram trailers and vehicles in a Walmart parking lot. Why’d he do it? Stroud told police “he thought it was the end of the world and zombies were chasing him.” Stroud is accused of hitting two occupied vehicles, several utility trailers and three unoccupied vehicles. Gulfport police say they had to put down spike strips to stop Stroud in the nearby parking lot of a Nissan dealership after he fled in the front-end loader. At the police station, court records say, officers read Stroud his rights. He then told them about the zombies.  ***Where are the priorities of law enforcement nowadays? Why are police wasting their time arresting this guy?  Shouldn’t they be out trying to stop the zombies?

Four women have stepped forward to accuse New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman of physical violence that was not consensual.  ***As if there is such a thing as consensual physical violence that doesn’t indicate the need for therapy.

Bill Clinton has written a presidential thriller with bestselling crime writer James Patterson. “The President Is Missing” will be released next month and is being billed as a “unique amalgam of intrigue, suspense and behind-the-scenes global drama from the highest corridors of power.” ***And who better to write a crime thriller about a President, than a President who has been accused of so many crimes?

George Zimmerman has been charged with a misdemeanor for allegedly stalking a private investigator.  ***Isn’t that the private investigator’s job?

Taylor Swift has had Ticketmaster turn off their resale option for her concerts, to make it appear that more tickets have been sold. She is not selling out. ***She’s still a sell-out, but she is not selling out.  I dunno, I don’t listen to her music.

Clayne Crawford has been reportedly fired from Lethal Weapon and FOX is going to need a new Riggs.  ***I hear Mel Gibson might be on the lookout for work.

In Marathon, Florida, 46-year-old Guillermo Herrada Olivia was arrested for stabbing 34-year-old Aynel Torna Morales in the thigh with a Dexter knife while drinking at a friend’s home. Morales told deputies he was drinking beer with several friends when he went into the house to grab another one and use the restroom. Herrada Oliva followed him into the kitchen, Herrada Oliva armed himself with the fillet knife and stabbed Morales according to police.  A drunken Herrada Oliva turned himself in to police about two hours later, telling deputies that he used a fillet knife to open a beer and “Morales got stabbed.” ***Not only that, but then he then tried to use a can opener to clean the fish for that night’s dinner.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

China’s Center for Disease Control says efforts to curb tobacco use in the world’s most populous nation have had no real impact and 301 million Chinese are still smoking. A survey of more than 13,000 people found no significant improvement in the country’s smoking rate since 2002. ***The problem is that you smoke a Chinese cigarette and half an hour later you’re hungry for another one.

Don’t think for a minute your boss is buying that story of yours. CareerBuilder.com reports that 33 percent of employers have checked up on sick workers to see if they’re telling the truth (including checking Facebook and Twitter), while some have gone as far as to ask for a doctor’s note. What happens if you get caught? About 20 percent of employers say they have fired someone for playing hooky, while more than half admit they just reprimanded the employee for lying. ***I told my boss once that I was sick… of working… but I don’t have that problem anymore. He fired me.

In a recent survey almost 85% of millennials consider online flirting a form of cheating. ***The remaining 15% are the ones doing the cheating.

Here’s something for teenagers and their parents to think about heading into the summer job season.  A national study to interview teens about on-the-job dangers finds that, in some cases, federal laws are being broken.  Many teens tell researchers they’ve operated hazardous equipment, received no safety training and worked alone after dark.  Thirty-seven percent of teens under 16 said they had worked after 7:00PM on a school night. That’s a violation of federal rules.  ***But parents aren’t complaining; anything to have some peace and quiet at home…

If you’re feeling bummed, you may want to try getting married. A recent study found that getting married enhances mental health, especially if you’re depressed. But there is a catch. They also found that if you’re not depressed, marriage could have the opposite effect. ***In other words, you could have a really depressed person suddenly get married and get happy by making a previously happy person miserable.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was substituting in a bowling tournament and was bowling better than he’d ever bowled before. Unfortunately, every time Gruffy bowled well, it meant the team moved to the next level… and Gruffy would have to keep canceling his checkers games with Sully. He’s already cancelled three times… will he do it to Sully again?

CLOSE: That’s not good… Gruffy is now so caught up in himself and his bowling skills that he’s about to lose a good friend. Will he snap out of it? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What do you think of this statement: “WE DEMAND OUR RIGHTS IN A FREE COUNTRY TO BE SOCIALISTS!” Make any sense to you? Me neither… and that’s why it’s today’s Moment of Duh!

Get this one… some high school students who were banned from wearing socialist armbands to school, are now screaming for their right to free speech! The school district finally did allow the students to wear the armbands after lawyers said that banning the symbols —- red stars on black backgrounds —- would infringe on the students’ first amendment rights to free expression. It all started when a school bus-driver complained about the symbols. Once the armbands were banned, the socialist teens decided to act like Americans again and began demanding their free speech rights. They are now calling their victory “a triumph for free-speech rights at high schools.” According Jennifer St. Clair, 16, “This shows that just because we are students, we are not going to just roll over if someone tramples on our rights.” Jennifer helped pass out flyers and red stars after her friends were asked to remove the armbands. Let’s recap. These teenagers want to celebrate Socialism – yet once they are treated as if they are Socialists (being given no rights to free speech at all) they suddenly want to become Americans to win their right to free speech. Once they confirm their right to free speech, they then celebrate Socialism again – where they wouldn’t be allowed their right to free speech. In other words, they want to be whatever they want to be whenever they want to be it. That sounds like freedom to me.

TOP TEN

SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
2. Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.
5. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
6. You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
9. It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Touched by an Angel” is just coming on.
10.You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What’s worse than stealing a car?  Stealing a police car comes to mind…

FILE #1: Two Los Gatos, California police officers are going to be taking quite a ribbing at the donut shop. After the officers arrested Justin Paul Gorman, through an as yet unexplained series of events, Gorman managed to get behind the wheel of their police car and speed away. Ironically, the officers had just arrested Gorman on charges of auto theft.

FILE #2: The Agora newspaper reports that an armed man was trying to rob an electronics store in Sao Paulo, Brazil, when the police arrived. He held four customers hostage and wouldn’t do anything until he had a chance to talk to his mother. The cops let him call his mom on the phone to ask what to do, and she told him to release the hostages and surrender, which he did. A police spokesman said, “I never saw anything like this before; he was the classic case of a mama’s boy until the end.”

FILE #3: A man, sitting in a restaurant, receives a call on his cell phone. With little thought or concern about what other patrons might hear, he repeats the details and pick-up point for an illegal drug deal. What this man did not know, was that in the booth behind him, there were two police officers and a detective who worked in the drug enforcement division. Since the deal was to go down in 4 hours, the police had plenty of time to prepare for the
drug bust. As a result, drug enforcement officers were able to bust 6 drug dealers including a major dealer that under cover agents had been trying to capture for over 5 years. The man who once talked on the cell phone now does all his talking in a cell!

STRANGE LAW: In Portland, ME, shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Nancy Drew doesn’t have anything on a New Castle, Del., family.

They set a trap to catch the joyriders who were taking the family SUV out for a spin. Police say the owner figured someone was using the Acura MDX in the middle of the night. The owner repeatedly smelled gas and marijuana in the vehicle. So, the family rigged the SUV with a motion sensor and an alarm. The next time it was driven away, the owner called the cops. New Castle police report busting a pair 18-year-olds. Officers say the young men had been using a spare set of keys they found in the unlocked car.

PHONER PHUN

What was the best piece of advice your mom ever gave you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What king prophesied while accompanied by a minstrel?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 4:32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many dust mites can one gram of dust hold?

ANSWER: 500. (An ounce can hold 13,500) – gross!!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There were 15 Apollo flights before the first moon landing. (False, 4)

2. Walt Disney died in 1981. (False, 1966)

3. The only state whose flag still has a Union Jack in it is Hawaii. (True)

4. Bill Clinton had solar panels installed on the White House roof. (False, Jimmy Carter did)

5. Harry Truman was the only 20th-centry U.S. president without a college degree. (True)

6. The titanic was at sea only 1 day before sinking. (False, 4 days)

7. The TV show “Zorro,” was the first TV program to incorporate the use of sign language. (True)

8. Jim Belushi was the comedian that played the film role of “Fletch.” (False, Chevy Chase)

9. Rin-tin-tin and Jim Belushi’s dog in the film “K9” were both German Shephards. (True)

10. On the T.V. drama, big city cop Baretta lived in a rundown hotel with his pet rat. (False, pet Cockatoo)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STRANGE __________ (TAKEOUT)

Last week, popular Chinese restaurant Wu’s Diamond Garden received a strange call from outside of their delivery area… way outside.

“They ordered 30 quarts of Clams and Loofa Soup, 20 Fried Wontons, 50 orders of Fishy in Scallion Sauce, and a carton of white rice,” said Diamond Garden employee Joy Luk.

“Then they asked us to deliver it to Lunar Base Beta on the Moon’s far side, apartment number 20000023. I assumed it was someone playing a joke and hung up.”

However, a half hour later there was a deafening noise in the parking lot be- hind the restaurant. Luk went outside to investigate and got the surprise of her life. “A small spaceship landed in the parking
lot, flattening some garbage cans and my Camry,” said Luk. “The door slid open and a small alien with large oval eyes emerged.”

The extraterrestrial apologized for the unusual phone call, and the dam- age, and explained that he was part of a Martian settlement on our Moon. His people had sampled Chinese food while visiting Earth and brought back leftovers, which had run out. Fortunately, they had a menu and wanted us to deliver.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

JOKE #2

While on maternity leave, the woman wet to her office to show everyone her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”

“What do you say?” she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

JOKE #3

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.  The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he’d wiped off sweat with dirty hands.  His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt.  Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

“Hello, there,” said the motorist.  “Say, I’ve changed a lot of tires.  Maybe I can help here.”

“You sure can,” the man with the flat tire replied wearily.  “My wife is an expert, too.  If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done.”

USELESS FACTS

A new study says we tend to spend more money if we go shopping when we’re sad. ***That’s not good. I usually get depressed halfway through my shopping when I realize I can’t afford to be shopping…

According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of British men and women said they would give up chocolate for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV. ***That’s a tough one, because my favorite time to eat chocolate is when I’m watching TV.

FEATURED FUNNIES

AFTER “O”

Sandi’s second-grade teacher was quizzing the students on the alphabet. “Sandi,” she said, “what comes after ‘O’?”

Sandi answered, “Yeah!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What exactly does it mean to have a “jury of your peers?”

I love this story. The Weekly World News reports from Tailgate, Kentucky, a judge recently ruled that a man suspected of stealing cars was entitled to a jury of his peers – namely, other car thieves. Hank “Jump Start” Ford, 29, was arrested and charged with stealing a 1998 red Camaro. The case took an unusual twist when Ford’s lawyer, Fred Scottsboro, filed a motion saying that, according to the Constitution, Ford was entitled to a trial by “a jury of his peers” — and that meant other car thieves. At first Judge Hank Goss was inclined to deny the motion. But surprisingly, Judge Goss agreed. The county issued jury summons to all convicted car thieves in a 50-mile radius, including some who were still in prison. Ford took the stand and testified that he stole the car because he “really liked it,” and “couldn’t afford to buy one.” The jurors nodded sympathetically. After both sides rested, the jury deliberated for 12 minutes before finding Ford “not guilty.” Afterward, Judge Goss, the prosecutor and even Scottsboro all reported their cars were missing.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE DAY LISA LOST

By Michael T. Powers

I love sports. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the many professional athletes of today who have developed a me-first attitude, after being raised in a win-at-all-cost generation. A generation where role models are severely lacking, and most of the headlines that capture our attention are of those athletes who are in trouble.
No, I am talking about high school sports, where lessons of life are still being learned, and where athletes still compete for the love of the game and their teammates.
I know some of you are thinking, “The high school athletes of today are just as bad!” And you would be partially right. The me-first attitude is trickling down into the high school and junior high athletes.
But in the midst of all of this is a young lady from Wisconsin.
I first met Lisa Kincaid on the volleyball court as she played for a rival high school in the conference I coach in. Many times I was on the opposing sidelines and could only watch in awe at her athleticism. The speed of a cheetah, the mental toughness of veteran, and a 32 inch vertical jump! (Unheard of for a high school girl. And she was only a sophomore!)
Starting her junior year, I was fortunate enough to coach Lisa on a USA Junior Olympic Volleyball team, and it was during these two years that my wife and I grew to love and respect her.
If anyone had a right to be cocky or proud of herself it was Lisa. Besides being one of the best volleyball and basketball players in the state, she became a track legend in the Dairy State. How good was she? She went 64 straight conference meets and never lost in any event she was entered in. She made trips to the state finals all four years she was in high school, and came away with 6 state titles. Many times she was the lone representative at the state competition for her team, and would single-handedly place her high school as high as third. While she excelled in the triple jump, long jump, 100, and 200 meter dashes, there were times when her coach needed her to fill in for other events. One particular day he asked her to run the 300 meter hurdles. She had never competed in this event before, but the coach needed her that day for the good of the team. How did she do? She not only won, she set the school record in the first and only time she competed in that event!
Never once did she ever brag about her accomplishments. In fact she felt uncomfortable talking about her achievements and would usually steer the conversation away from her and to the performances of her younger sisters or other teammates.
There was one particular track meet during Lisa’s junior year where she impressed upon me what is still good about sports these days.
It was a non-conference meet late in the year and Lisa’s coach told her he needed her to run the mile. Lisa had never done so, but agreed to do what was best for the team.
Lisa easily outdistanced the competition, but on the last lap, she “seemed” to grow “tired.” Two athletes from the other team passed her, and then so did Julie, Lisa’s teammate. She was “able to stay just behind” her teammate and cross the finish line at Julie’s heels.
Lisa “lost” an event for the first time in her track career.
You see, athletes in Lisa’s track program need to earn a set amount of points in order to earn a varsity letter. Lisa knew that Julie, who was a senior, needed to finish at least third to earn a letter for the first time. Lisa also knew that the two athletes on the other team were most likely going to beat Julie, if they ran anywhere near the times they had been running all year, but that barring an injury during the race, Julie was a lock to finish third.
But that was until the coach entered Lisa in the event. Lisa remembered all this as she lined up for the start of that race, and I had often wondered why she had a slight smile on her face after having lost for the first time ever.
After four years of working hard, Julie finally received her first varsity letter, and helped her team win the meet.
And Lisa? On that day that she lost — she earned my respect and admiration, and in my mind, she solidified herself as the role model this generation sorely needs.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE GREATNESS OF GODLINESS

READ: Genesis 47:7-12

Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh. —Genesis 47:10

In the eyes of most people, Jacob’s brother Esau was the greater man of the two. Through the years he had accumulated immense wealth and power. He was the ruler of the land of Edom and could have met Pharaoh on his own terms. Yet Esau, with all his earthly authority, could not have blessed Pharaoh. Only Jacob had that power (Genesis 47:10).

The spiritual is greater than the natural. God can endow a humble human being with awesome moral force. Holiness has within itself the power to master all other powers.

The Greek word for power or authority (exousia) contains the preposition ex, which means “out of” or “from.” This suggests that the ability to influence others flows from inside. It is rooted in what we are. “Do you wish to be great?” Augustine asked. “Then begin by being.” Greatness comes from holiness and nothing more.

I have a friend who makes his way through the halls of power in Washington, DC, meeting with the most prominent women and men in the world. He speaks a word or two, prays, and then walks on, but he leaves behind the lingering and compelling influence of Christ. He has the aura of greatness that surrounds all whose lives reflect the character of Jesus. It is the greatness of godliness. —David H. Roper

I want my heart His throne to be,
So that a watching world may see
His likeness shining forth in me;
I want to be like Jesus.  —Chisholm

Even a little example can have a big influence for Christ.

LEFTOVERS

Crime doesn’t pay? Apparently that’s not always true.

When Liverpool, England’s Carl Murphy was nine years old, he fell 40 feet through the roof of a building and suffered a massive skull fracture. As you may have guessed, Murphy sued the building’s owner. This despite the fact that he was trespassing at the time. Murphy alleged that if the site had a better security fence to keep him out, he wouldn’t have been injured. Luckily for the now 18-year-old Carl, he found a boneheaded judge who agreed and awarded him over $1 million in damages. Carl says that after all he’s been through, he feels that he deserves the money. Murphy, who’s since done time for robbery and assault, says he plans to spend his money on a fancy car and a big house so he has a place to live with mother…when she gets out of jail.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO PACK A HEALTHIER LUNCHBOX

Follow this game plan for healthy lunches your kids will love.

  • Mix it up: Kids tire of sandwiches, so give them plenty of variety.  For example, mix strawberries and blueberries into low-fat vanilla yogurt with a serving of whole-grain crackers on the side; or make trail mix with a cup of Cheerios, a handful of nuts, and a cup of dried fruit, such as raisins or cranberries.

  • Keep it safe: Keep foods from spoiling by freezing a water bottle and popping it in with the lunch.  By the time your child is ready to eat, the ice will be almost melted, and the lunch will still be cold.

  • Make it fun: For young ones, use cookie cutters to create fun shapes out of a sandwich.  Try slipping a few stickers or a little “I love you” note into the lunchbox, and that same old cheese sandwich becomes much more palatable.

JUST FOR FUN

PROFESSIONAL QUIZ

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. Be sure to cover up all of the answers so you can’t cheat. Otherwise this test is useless! There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional…

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

RESULTS:

  • If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

  • If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you.

  • If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

  • If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money.

  • If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

FUN LIST

THINGS MOMS SAY

  • If you keep making that face, it’ll stick.

  • You have to wait an hour before you get back in the pool… because you’ll get a cramp, that’s why.

  • Yes. We’re almost there.

  • Don’t chew with your mouth open.

  • Don’t talk with your mouth full.

  • No. You can’t have that [fill in the blank]. It’ll spoil your dinner.

  • I don’t care what [fill in the blank]’s mother says.

  • Don’t put that in your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

  • Because those vegetables are good for you … and the children in Ethiopia are starving.

  • Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you have to. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HE’S SUCH A HARD WORKER

Ladies, want to find a good husband or boyfriend? Pick a workaholic.

Experts say hard-working men make the best loving partners. They say the ability to make a commitment to a job is definitely connected with the ability to be committed to a relationship. It’s a myth that workaholic men are cold, unfeeling, too concerned with making money and make insensitive marriage partners. A Harvard study of 500 men revealed that hardworking guys had the best mental health, had achieved the highest levels of maturity and they were shown to be extremely competent in personal relationships as well.  ***MARLAR: I took the opposite approach and found a good workaholic woman.  That way she is loving, a great provider, and I can continue watching Judge Judy without interruption.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you want a healthy brain, stay in school and take the stairs. While those two recommendations seem completely unrelated to each other, it turns out that both will help keep your brain young, slowing down the aging of gray matter, according to researchers at Montreal’s Concordia University. A study found that brain age decreases by 0.95 years for each year of education, and by 0.58 years for every daily flight of stairs climbed. In comparison to many other forms of physical activity, taking the stairs is something most older adults can and already do at least once a day, unlike vigorous forms of physical activity. This is encouraging because it demonstrates that a simple thing like climbing stairs has great potential as an intervention tool to promote brain health.

Science is now showing that chocolate cake has benefit, and the benefits increase if you eat it for breakfast. The study took place at the Syracuse University in New York. According to their results, chocolate has a positive effect on cognitive performance and if you eat it regularly, it can improve your memory and abstract thinking. According to the study, it was also important to eat chocolate before 9 o’clock in the morning. Your body converts food and energy more efficiently in the morning, so that piece of cake is less likely to end up on the waistline.

Clenched fists are seen as a sign of anger, but the action can actually help control emotions, reveals a recent study that finds tightening muscles strengthens willpower. “The mind and body are closely tied together,” explain the study’s authors, who add that “merely clenching muscles” can help a person “get a grip” and that includes fighting the urge for a sinful scoop of ice cream, too. Researchers in America and Singapore observed volunteers plunge their hands in icy water for as long as they could. Those with clenched fists were able to put up with the pain twice as long. And when faced with distressing information about innocent children caught up in the Haiti earthquake, fist-clenchers were more likely to donate money, probably because their resolve to help was strengthened. Plus, it can be good for your waistline. Says an expert: “Volunteers who tensed their hands on their way to a snack shop bought less junk food.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids’ also.
But at least, I wasn’t alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we’d be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less–not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy’s pants. Can you imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn’t sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did. By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I’d had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were
dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn’t improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, “sick” like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends’ report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing.  My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.

As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You’re right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, burn the flag, and a million and one other things that our friends did.

She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.

Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Down in Long Key, Florida, 49-year-old fisherman Luis Tornas Perez came across a group of about 16 manatees who were mating. I guess Mr. Perez was offended by the behavior so instead of leaving them alone, as required by state law, he reportedly splashed water at them. That little stunt landed him in jail where he was charged with a second-degree misdemeanor. State law says it’s illegal to poke, prod, pursue, or feed manatees – including giving them fresh water. Excessive noise or splashing of the water is also prohibited and is considered a misdemeanor. (FOX News)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 04, 2018…

Overboard—This seems to be the year of the remake, whether in television or the movies.  “Overboard” was a 1987 hit with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn in which she was a spoiled rich girl and he the rugged guy. This time around, the roles are switched, and Anna Faris is the poor girl, while Eugenio Derbez is the spoiled rich kid of a mobster.  Anna is hired to clean the kid’s yacht, and he accidentally falls overboard, gets amnesia and Anna teaches him a few lessons about humility. “Overboard” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Samaritan—A thriller that centers on a valet/thief (Robert Sheehan) who chooses a certain house to rob, only to discover a woman held prisoner there and the owner (David Tennant) is none too pleasant about being robbed.  What to do? Rescue the girl or go to the police? “The Bad Samaritan” is rated R. No rating.

Son Of Bigfoot—An animated film in which a teenager (Pappy Faulkner) goes in search of his long, long lost father.  What he discovers is startling—Dad is actually Bigfoot!  Now, that would be a surprise. Dad is in hiding because an evil company wants his DNA for hair purposes.  “Son of Bigfoot” is rated PG. No rating.

MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party stars Melissa McCarthy in another comedy role., this time going back to college.

Breaking In is a thriller about rescuing hostages. Stars Gabrielle Union.

Terminal concerns crooks planning a robbery. Stars Max Irons.

Assassins Code is trying to solve a crime with a ghost. Justin Chatwin stars.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.