May 11, 2015: Monday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150511

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The station revamped its dental plan. The boss bought us a new toothbrush.

 

If you decide to complain about this show, please be sure mention me. The ultimate insult to a radio personality is to criticize his program without mentioning his name.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”. –Romans 12:12

 

So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled. — 1 Thessalonians 5:6

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit… Repent and live! — Ezekiel 18:31-32

 

Thought: God reminds us to turn away from our own self-seeking ways. He calls us to turn to him with a willingness to obey his will. If we refuse, we must know that we are walking the road that leads to death. God longs to do the work of rebirth and renewal, but he asks us to turn from our destructive ways and offer our hearts to him to be made new by his Holy Spirit. Repentance is to turn off the road leading to destruction and onto the road that leads to the Father’s house, the place of life.

 

Prayer: Please forgive me, O mighty God, for trying to rule and govern my own life. I confess that I’ve made a mess of things when I haven’t obeyed your Word and when I have rebelled against your will. I want to turn my heart and life completely over to you. I want to obey your will and to live for your glory. Thank you for your forgiveness and strength as I seek to find life in you. In the name of the Savior Jesus, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 John 5:11 NIV = And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 11, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 229 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is LADIES WHO DON’T SWEAR APPRECIATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: Shucks, you gotta love them, dagnabbit!

 

Today is EAT WHAT YOU WANT DAY, a day to ignore all those warnings.  ***MARLAR: Known at our house as “Monday!”

 

Today is THEORY OF RELATIVITY DAY. It was on this date in 1916 that Einstein’s theory was first presented. ***MARLAR: It states that the amount you love your relatives is in direct proportion to how far away they are from you.

 

Today is ROOT CANAL APPRECIATION DAY. ***MARLAR: Being celebrated by absolutely no one.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Hostess Cupcake Day

National Women’s Check-Up Day

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, MAY 12

International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases

International Nurses Day

Limerick Day

National Nutty Fudge Day

Odometer Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13

Frog Jumping Day

Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity

National Night Shift Workers Day

National Third Shift Workers Day

Receptionists Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 14

Buddah Day

National Chicken Dance Day

The Stars and Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day

International Day of Families

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

International MPS Awareness Day

National Tuberous Sclerosis Day

Nylon Stocking Day

Peace Officer Memorial Day

Straw Hat Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

  1. Henry Pun-off Day

NASCAR Day

National Bike to Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 16

Do Dah Day

National Piercing Day

Armed Forces Day

Biographer’s Day

Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

National Learn to Swim Day

Mimosa Day

National Sea Monkey Day

Preakness

 

SUNDAY, MAY 17

Bay to Breakers Race (Oldest Footrace in America)

Morel Mushroom Day (Weekend after Mother’s Day)

Neighbor Day

World Hypertension Day

World Information Society Day

World Telecommunications Day

World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

 

MONDAY, MAY 18

HIV Vaccine Awareness Day

I Love Reeses Day

International Museum Day

Mother Whistler Day

Visit your Relatives Day

Accountant’s Day / Accounting Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

 

1888: The Women’s’ Missionary Union, an auxiliary to the Southern Baptist Convention, was formed in Richmond, Virginia. The WMU is still active today.

 

1916: Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was presented.

 

1957: Buddy Holly and the Crickets auditioned for “Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts.” They were rejected.

 

1965: The Byrds made their TV debut with “Mr. Tambourine Man” on NBC’s “Hullabaloo.”

 

1972: John Lennon claimed to TV’s Dick Cavett the FBI had tapped the singer’s phone.

 

1974: Pat Gahan, a student at Trinity University in San Antonio, woke up to find he had been sleeping with a 6-foot alligator. It was someone’s idea of a joke. ***MARLAR: The joke was on the jokesters though… he now has a lovely pair of alligator slippers and matching handbag.

 

1981: Reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital. He was 36.

 

1990: Singer Ritchie Valens received a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, almost 33 years after his death.

 

1990: Cooks at the Royal Society Show in Dublin, Ireland, made history’s largest lasagna. It was 5 feet by 50 feet and weighed 3,610 pounds.

 

1993: Police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested Rodrigo Almeida outside the bank he’d just robbed. He was waiting in line to phone for a getaway taxi.

 

1997: A 32-year-old Brazilian burglar in Jaguapita tried to blow the safe at the town bank by filling it with gas and lighting it. It worked. It also blew the roof off the building. The bandit suffered only minor injuries.

 

1997: World chess champ Garry Kasparov lost his first-ever multi-game match to IBM’s chess computer Deep Blue, the first time a computer had defeated a world-champion player.

 

1999: A peeping Tom was hiding in the ceiling crawl space of a Mountain Home, Arkansas, tanning salon watching three women tan when the ceiling collapsed. He was so embarrassed he locked himself in the bathroom until police arrived. No one was injured.

 

2003: A Virginia man who began a chain of chewing gum wrappers as an 11-year-old Canadian in 1965 passed the million mark. Gary Duschl’s chain of wrappers stretched over eight miles and weighed 600 pounds when he collected his one-millionth wrapper.

 

2003: Canada beat Sweden 3-2 in Finland to win its first hockey world championship in six years.

 

2007: A Madison, Wisconsin. delivery truck ran over Ryan Lipscomb’s 26-year-old head, leaving him only with a concussion and a mangled helmet. He was shaken up, especially after he saw the condition of his helmet. His black Giro helmet was flattened, tread marks visible on the cracked frame. He said, “It feels really strange to have a truck run over your head.” Lipscomb was taken to the hospital and released about three hours later.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

330: Roman emperor Constantine, the first Christian emperor, inaugurates Constantinople as his capital on the site of the Greek city of Byzantium.

 

603: Comgall, founder and first abbot of Bangor, dies. Considered the founder of Irish monasticism, by his death he oversaw 3,000 monks—including the famous missionary Columbanus.

 

1610: Jesuit missionary Matteo Ricci, the first Catholic missionary to China, dies. Entering the country as a repairer of clocks, Ricci was criticized for becoming a Confucian scholar and allowing ancestor “worship.” Though the number of his converts was relatively small, it included many influential Chinese scholars and families, who played key roles in the future of Christianity in China.

 

1621: Death of Johann Arndt, 65, German Lutheran theologian. Called the precursor of Pietism, Arndt was the greatest name in the history of German mysticism after Thomas a Kempis.

 

1682: The General Court of Massachusetts repealed two laws which had been passed two years earlier: one forbade the keeping of Christmas, and the second mandated capital punishment for Quakers who returned to the colony after being banished.

 

1824: St. Regis Seminary was opened in Florissant, Missouri. It was the first Roman Catholic institution established in America for the higher education of American Indians.

 

1825: The American Tract Society, the first national tract league in America, was formed in NY City by the merger of 50 smaller societies.

 

1888: The Woman’s Missionary Union, Auxiliary to the Southern Baptist Convention, had its inception in Richmond, Virginia, when delegates from 15 states met to form a general women’s organization within the denomination.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress/Former MTV VJ Martha Quinn, 56
  • Actress (Titanic) Frances Fisher, 63
  • Actor (“Hogan’s Heroes”, Titanic, The Mummy, Dr. Bombay on TV’s “Bewitched”) Bernard Fox 88 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1888 : Irving Berlin

1931 : Dick Garcia

1935 : Kit Lambert

1941 : Eric Burdon (The Animals)

1943 : Arnie Satin (The Dovells)

1943 : Les Chadwick (Gerry and the Pacemakers)

1947 : Butch Trucks (The Allman Brothers Band)

1955 : Mark Herndon (Alabama)

1955 : Jonathan Jeczalik (The Art of Noise)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the purpose of that snap-box thing they clack in front of a movie camera just before filming a take?
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen one of these things in some TV documentary about the movies and never asked myself why the heck they needed it. But sure as shootin,’ just before the camera roles, some fool sticks this box that has the title and take number printed on it in front of the camera and clacks it. The key, it turns out, is in the clack. The purpose of this mysterious ritual is to synchronize the soundtrack with the picture. In the editing room during post-production, the editor can align the soundtrack for the entire scene by synchronizing the clack sound with the frame in which the box – it’s called a clapboard – is snapped closed. Then again, sometimes it’s more fun if King Kong opens his mouth to roar and you hear instead someone ordering a coffee with milk and a piece of Danish.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Newsboys front man Michael Tait is turning over a new leaf. Drummer Duncan Phillips says Michael has promised to start posting more on social media. However, Duncan seems to be a skeptical. He added: we’ll see.

 

What are the highlights of your weekend. Kristian Stanfill tweeted that, at his house, Saturdays are for making pancakes and building forts.

 

Casting Crown’s Jaun Devevo says posting on social media is becoming a problem. He tweeted: Finding the appropriate animated gif response consumes about 87.5% of my time.

 

Audio Adrenaline’s Adam Agee was writing country tunes this week and Adam says he found the perfect place to set the mood. He tweeted a picture of his current location, a Cracker Barrel restaurant.

 

Natalie Grant says she and her family have entered a new stage in life. Her twin daughters, Gracie and Bella, now have braces. Natalie tweeted: time please slow down.

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell asked the band’s followers on twitter to tell him one thing about themselves and he received some interesting responses. Here are just a few:

-I am left handed, as is every first born son on my mother’s side going back 5 generations. No one else.

-I only eat Heinz ketchup

-I bleached my hair blonde cause of you in ’99.

 

Advice of the Day from Kutless member James Mead: Beware thinking lightly of sin. Christians tend to grow calloused towards sin. Remember, it causes separation from God.

 

Casting Crown’s Jaun Devevo has noticed a trend toward more filling in Oreo cookies. In fact, he tweeted this week that, rather than just double stuff, may the cookie makers should try triple stuff or even monster stuff. Jaun said they will probably end up just putting the white stuff in a jar and letting you eat it like yogurt.

 

Another groaner from Citizenway: How do Angels greet one another? Halo!

 

Jamie Grace has been traveling across country on tour and it has been a rude awakening. Jamie tweeted :so crazy to realize how many restaurants don’t have sweet tea. Added was the hashtag: southern problems.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Japan zoo apologizes for naming newborn monkey Charlotte    photo
TOKYO (AP) — A Japanese zoo has apologized after receiving complaints over naming a baby monkey Charlotte for the newborn British princess. The Takasakiyama Natural Zoological Garden said Thursday it was considering renaming the macaque. It was flooded with angry calls and emails Wednesday…

 

Bank robbery suspect posts photo, video on Instagram
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) — A man accused of robbing a Virginia Beach bank posted two videos and a photo of the incident to his Instagram account. Police tell WAVY-TV (http://bit.ly/1EQDCNB) 23-year-old Dominyk Antonio Alfonseca walked into a TowneBank on Monday and handed the teller a note…
Authorities find fake skeletons in underwater lawn chairs    photo
CIENEGA SPRINGS, Ariz. (AP) — A man snorkeling in the Colorado River near the Arizona and California border was terrified — and later embarrassed — when he came across two fake skeletons sitting in lawn chairs about 40 feet underwater. The man reported the skeletons to the La Paz…
Teen who spray-painted prom invite on Idaho cliff sought    photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Authorities are looking for a teen who wanted a date with Destiny and hoped to get it by spray-painting a prom proposal on an Idaho cliffside. HASH(0x140a3f0) The person could face a misdemeanor charge of injury by graffiti, which is punishable by up to six months in jail…
Activists ticketed for putting Snowden bust on NYC monument    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Two activists who put a bust of Edward Snowden on a Revolutionary War memorial were ticketed and got their confiscated sculpture back Wednesday, saying they felt the episode had sparked conversation about freedom. Jeff Greenspan and Andrew Tider had tried to stay anonymous…
Cowboys round up cattle after semi overturns on highway    photo
MAIZE, Kan. (AP) — A Kansas highway has reopened after cowboys helped round up cattle who escaped a semitrailer that had rolled over near Wichita. The Kansas Highway Patrol says Kansas 96 near Maize reopened about noon. It was closed when the truck crashed around 4 a.m. Wednesday northwest of…
Woman spread feces on co-worker’s chair, mouse; no jail time
WINCHESTER, Va. (AP) — A former Virginia lab worker has pleaded guilty to spreading contaminated feces on a co-worker’s computer mouse and desk chair, but she won’t see any jail time. The Winchester Star reports (http://bit.ly/1zMcYH1) that 31-year-old Andrea Edwards of Stephens City was…
Woman charged with running crack delivery service from truck
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) — With her four adult children watching, a Massachusetts woman has pleaded not guilty to running a crack cocaine delivery service from her pickup truck. Sixty-year-old Donna McLeod entered the plea Tuesday on the trafficking cocaine charge at her arraignment in…
Woman celebrates 21st birthday performing 21 kind acts
BRISTOL, Tenn. (AP) — A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness to people she had never met across the city of Bristol. The Bristol Herald Courier (http://bit.ly/1DRKNkL) reports Alexa Sexton and a few friends traveled across the city to complete the…
Koala pays late night visit to Australian hospital    photo
SYDNEY (AP) — Staffers at an Australian hospital’s emergency department received a rather unusual late night visitor — a koala. The marsupial casually strolled through the automatic doors of Hamilton Base Hospital in Victoria state at 3:30 a.m. on April 20, said Brigid Kelly,…
Sheriff: Woman held for driving wrong way while drunk, naked
GRANT TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Michigan authorities say they arrested a naked drunken woman who was driving the wrong way after leaving her naked husband and their child at a rest stop. The Clare County sheriff’s department says 23-year-old Jessie Schwaub-Devault of Harrison left her husband…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

J&J seeks bioethics advice on compassionate use of drugs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Dying patients sometimes seek emergency access to experimental medicines, desperate for a last-chance treatment even if there’s little proof it could help. Now drug giant Johnson & Johnson is taking an unusual step, turning to independent bioethicists for advice on when to…

 

UN: Lowest number of new weekly Ebola cases in West Africa
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says the number of Ebola cases reported in Guinea and Sierra Leone last week dropped to 18, the lowest total this year. In an update published this week, the U.N. health agency said the situation was “encouraging” but noted officials are still…
Hospital efforts to save very premature babies vary widely    photo
They weigh as little as a pound yet force some of the toughest choices in all of medicine. Extremely premature babies face big differences in how hard hospitals try to save them, a study finds. It is the first major look in the U.S. at how preemies fare according to the care they get. There was a…
States watching Medicaid standoff between Florida, Obama
MIAMI (AP) — The Obama administration rebuffed Florida’s Gov. Rick Scott’s proposal to extend federal funds for hospitals that treat the uninsured, increasing the pressure on states that have refused to expand coverage for low-income people under the president’s health care law. The decision…
Using a smartphone microscope to detect parasites in blood    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Prick a finger and have the blood checked for parasites — by smartphone? Scientists are turning those ubiquitous phones into microscopes and other medical tools that could help fight diseases in remote parts of the world. In the newest work, University of California,…
Are bungled VA claims systemic? Senators want agency review    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Troubled by delays in handling veterans claims, a bipartisan group of senators on Wednesday urged a wide-scale, independent review of the Department of Veterans Affairs for mismanagement and changes to improve budgeting and speed up applications. A report released by nine…
EPA suggests triggers for warning of algae in drinking water    photo
TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. (AP) — The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency released the first nationwide guidelines Wednesday for determining when algal toxins have reached dangerous levels in public water systems and do-not-drink warnings might be needed. Up to 48 million people nationwide get…
Study aims to uncover why cancer plagues golden retrievers    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — If a golden retriever gives birth, gets stung by a bee or sprayed by a skunk, veterinarians want to know. Scientists are studying the popular breed to find out why their lifespans have gotten shorter over the years and why cancer is so prevalent. The Colorado-based Morris…
4 arrested in Connecticut synthetic marijuana investigation
WILLIMANTIC, Conn. (AP) — Police in Connecticut have arrested four people while investigating a batch of synthetic marijuana that sickened about a dozen people, including five who were hospitalized. Willimantic police say they arrested a dealer of “K2” synthetic marijuana and three buyers…
Striking Zimbabwean nurses refuse to work night shift
HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — Nurses in Zimbabwe are refusing to work the night shift in the southern African nation’s public hospitals and clinics in a nationwide strike over salaries. Striking nurses are demanding $150 for a weeklong shift, and have described the current pay rate of $3 for a…
Among Hispanics, Puerto Ricans seem to have worst health
NEW YORK (AP) — Among Hispanic groups in the United States, Puerto Ricans appear to have the worst health, according to a government report released Tuesday. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued its most comprehensive report on Hispanic health, drawing from earlier research….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Texas dad decided to do the math and determine how much a stay-at-home mom should make a year. According to a Fox news report, he quickly realized he “can’t afford” to pay for all that his wife does. Steven Nelms listed every job his wife performs, from cleaning to cooking and caring for their 2-year-old child. After adding on financial assistant, laundry services, cleaning services, personal shopper, chef and several other responsibilities, he figured the salary for a stay-at-home mom is $73,690 a year.  ***MARLAR: So it’s cheaper to just marry that nanny/maid!

 

An Air Canada flight from Frankfurt to Toronto was forced to make an emergency landing in Ireland after an unruly elderly passenger allegedly lashed out and bit one of the members of the flight crew. An 87-year-old woman was taken off the plane and arrested.  ***And we can now add “false teeth” to the list of things banned by the TSA.

 

A Croatian man could not believe his eyes when he received a package containing a wallet he misplaced 14 years ago. Inside was the money he had originally lost — and more. When he lost the wallet he had about $1,000 in hit. But when it was returned to him Easter weekend it contained $1,500. The man says he’d been carrying so much cash 14 years ago because he’d just withdrawn it from his bank to pay for a roof repair.  ***Obviously he doesn’t understand the concept of compound interest.

 

Kim Kardashian has released a book of selfies.  *** And it’s about time – we’ve been waiting way too long to finally see what this girl looks like.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A British company is marketing a device to attract young people to church: a karaoke machine called the Hymnal Plus that shows the lyrics on a big screen and plays 3,000 hymns, from the traditional to a disco version of “Amazing Grace.” ***MARLAR: And as we all know, people pray more fervently when subjected to pain and torture.

 

A new type of contact lens has been introduced that aims to actually cure nearsightedness. The idea is that if kids begin wearing them early enough, the lenses’ unique design will train the eye to grow in a way that will eliminate vision problems. ***MARLAR: So it’s kind of like wearing braces for your eyeballs. The tricky part is getting the tiny rubber bands to stick to your eyelashes.

 

Employers watch out – your workers can’t wait to quit.  According to a recent survey by job-placement firm Manpower, 84% of employees plan to look for a new position in the next year. That’s up from just 60% last year.  ***MARLAR: Tell me about it.  I can’t wait to get away from my boss… and I’m self employed!

 

A rolled up newspaper can be an effective training tool for your pet when used properly.  For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident.  ***MARLAR: Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper… and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase: “I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG, I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG!”

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Alphabet Song”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Grape Nuts & Chunky Monkey”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Rita the Skunk, was in jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Racquet has apologized to everyone, but they are all still in jail… and working on a plan to break out!

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 16/17, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were worried about not being able to get enough done in the day. They held seminars on time-management, made lists of things to do, tried to prioritize their chores in order of importance – they even got up an hour earlier each day just to have more time… but that wasn’t working either, because they just found more they had to do!

 

CLOSE: So now the animals are so busy that can’t even find a single day off to spend time together! How busy can animals get? We’ll find out how busy next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

We may have found the world’s laziest man…

…and he’s so lazy that he painted over a rat in his restaurant instead of picking it up!  The inDUHvidual’s name is Theo Morris, he’s a cafe owner in Brisbane, Australia, and he was fined $20,000 by health inspectors for painting over a dead rat rather than picking it up. Acting on a tip from his own grossed out staff, food safety inspectors discovered the rodent stuck to the floor and covered in red paint in the main dining area of the restaurant. But our furry friend was just the beginning. There was also a giant fungus, other rodents both dead and alive, cockroaches and untouched food being rescued from garbage cans before being re-served.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS NOT TO DRESS ONCE YOU HIT FIFTY

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

  1. A nose ring and bifocals
  2. A pierced tongue and dentures
  3. Miniskirts and support hose
  4. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
  5. Speedos and cellulite
  6. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
  7. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
  8. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
  9. Short shorts and varicose veins
  10. Spiked hair and bald spots

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

When applying to be a police officer, it usually helps to have a clean criminal record…

 

FILE #1: Laurie Ralston of Amherst, Ohio sent in an application to work for the Amherst police department; but it wasn’t her resume that got the attention of police… it was her record.  After she applied for a job as a police dispatcher, police did a background check and found she had 17 traffic convictions, including seven speeding tickets and two citations for driving without a license.  She was called back for what she was told would be an interview. Instead, she was busted and charged with failing to appear in court and driving without a license.   Ralston says she had no idea she was wanted.

 

FILE #2: A man from Sweden is in custody for suspicion of theft. The interesting thing is how they caught this guy. You see, he tried to reclaim a bag police found on the bus. The bag contained a sawed off shotgun and mask. Police still don’t understand why this guy thought they wouldn’t have looked inside of it.

 

FILE #3: A disgruntled 51-year-old Pleasant Prairie man recently arrested in a case of vandalism at his boss’ house probably could have found a better getaway vehicle than his work truck.  The whacked-out worker is accused of pouring 10 pounds of roofing tar on his boss’ porch late one morning before driving away.  He wasn’t too hard to track down, however. Police just homed in on the global-positioning system the man’s employer had placed in the company’s vehicles.

 

STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies in Baltimore, MD.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Some people will drink anything.
A British woman accused of downing prescription drugs, two or three bottles of wine and liquid soap from a London-bound jetliner’s lavatory before scuffling with flight attendants is in jail in Maine. Prosecutors say Galina Rusanova punched and kicked attendants on the Chicago-based United Airlines flight. They say she snapped “like a dog” while trying to bite one. The FBI says the Russian-born London resident had gone to Los Angeles to visit a man she met over the Internet and was returning Wednesday when her flight was diverted to Bangor.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is “Eat What You Want Day”… so what would that be?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said of Israel, “They have rejected me, that I should not reign over them?

ANSWER: God (1 Samuel 8:7)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: An organization with the acronym of “SCROOGE” was formed in 1979 in Charlottesville, Virginia. What does the acronym stand for?

ANSWER: Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous and Ostentatious Gift Exchanges.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. “American Idol” was the first T.V. show ever to be watched by over fifty million households. (False, “M*A*S*H*”)

 

  1. Red Connors was Hopalong Cassidy’s sidekick. (True)

 

  1. A McDonald’s Big Mac contains 4 pieces of bun. (False, 3)

 

  1. Most American car horns beep in the key of B. (False, F)

 

  1. Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters in 1933. (True)

 

  1. BMW stands for British Motor Works. (False, Bavarian Motor Works)

 

  1. Rodney Dangerfield started out with a career as a paint salesman but then went to show business. (True)

 

  1. JFK gave Marilyn Monroe a white poodle named “Mafia.” (False, Frank Sinatra did)

 

  1. At the start of the 1980s, it cost 10 cents to mail a first-class letter in the United States. (False, 15 cents)

 

  1. The average person sees 1 million commercials each year on TV. (False, 20,000)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR NEIGHBOR IS AN ___________ (EXTRATERRESTRIAL)

Many top scientists believe that aliens live secretly among us. The sneaky intergalactic travelers often pose as our friends, neighbors and co-workers while they learn the ways of Earth. But how can you tell invading aliens from real humans?

Weekly World News has interviewed dozens of experts and conducted exhaustive research to bring you this list of the top ten ways to recognize aliens in our midst.

 

1 Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their eyes. Most aliens have large, staring eyes that are hard to conceal. Sunglasses help them appear more normal.

 

2 Aliens have cold and clammy skin. Many aliens wear synthetic skin in order to pass themselves off as human. It’s never as warm as real skin, and it often feels “slimy” to the touch.

 

3They smell. Aliens use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans.

 

4 Aliens are obsessed with technology. They spend hours chatting on cell phones and sending e-mails. But they’re not conversing with people — they are actually transmitting data they’ve accumulated back to their home worlds.

 

5 Aliens have strange bodily proportions. The newest breeds of aliens attempt to imitate human appearance — but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free.

 

6 Aliens have strange diets. Aliens may not be able to digest most human foods. Because of this, they are limited in the types of foods they can eat, and they may become vegetarians. Watch out for people who eat a lot of melons — that’s an alien favorite.

 

7 Aliens dance in inhuman ways. Most alien species have a completely different physiology than ours. They have the ability to move their bodies to music in a way no ordinary human can, and this results in a Dancing style that is quite breathtaking.

 

8 Aliens do not understand Earth’s sense of humor. Forget what you saw on Mork and Mindy. Aliens find it difficult to understand laughter — even a simple knock-knock joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times — like during a funeral — or stare blankly at the funniest jokes.

 

9 Aliens dress in oddly revealing clothes. Aliens find clothing irritates their flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe.

 

10 Aliens ask hundreds of questions. Aliens are on Earth for research, and they want to learn as much as possible about Earthlings. They’re like alien anthropologists, fascinated by human behavior and eager to study our culture. So keep your eyes open for any people asking a lot of nosy questions.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A police officer pulled a woman over for driving erratically. She explained, “I was driving down the road, when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees magically appeared in the road.”

Shaking his head the officer said, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.”

 

JOKE #2

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.

“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner.

“I know,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”

 

JOKE #3

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn.  The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud.  When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, “Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee” he replied.

“How do you spell that?  asked the teacher.

“My mommy helps me” said the little boy.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Peru’s government says it’s high time Peruvians were on time. Chronic lateness in Peru is often overlooked as an endearing cultural trait, with weddings, funerals and business meetings rarely starting on time. It’s even considered rude to be punctual for a party. But the government says the time has come to change that attitude. ***MARLAR: Here in the United States it’s called “church time.”

 

Scientists at Oxford University’s Imperial Cancer Research Fund found that people who eat fresh fruit daily had 24 percent fewer heart attacks and 32 percent fewer strokes. ***MARLAR: Do strawberry Pop Tarts count as fresh fruit?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOOD QUESTION

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What was the longest you were ever sentenced to detention in school? One man just finished doing 25 years of it!

In 2005, the Weekly World News reported from Fort Wayne, Indiana, a boy who got caught pulling a cruel prank in high school has finally completed his detention — 25 years later. It was in 1980 that Jerry Finkle received the harsh sentence from a fed-up teacher. “I deserved it,” the 42-year-old Finkle has been showing up at his old high school every day at 3pm and staying two hours for detention. Finkle, who now works as an accountant, was not legally obligated to finish his detention, but he chose to do so anyway. “It just felt like the right thing to do,” Finkle says. “I did a lot of bad things in high school, and this was my way of making up for it.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

So they went out to fight against the warriors of Benjamin, but the men of Benjamin killed another eighteen thousand Israelites, all of whom were experienced with a sword. –Judges 20:24-25

Is it possible to be doing the right thing and still seem to be losing the battle? The Lord himself had commissioned the men of Israel, saying, “Go out and fight against them” (Judges 20:23). The Israelites’ battle was in retaliation for Benjamin’s wickedness. You would think that God would have instantly given the Israelites victory. Instead, they were defeated twice before they finally prevailed! How important it is not to interpret one lost battle as meaning that God is not with you! Satan may win a battle, but he won’t win the war. You are fighting the Lord’s battles, not your own. Casualties often occur in war, but victory is sure to come to the one who keeps inquiring of the Lord. Once, then twice, then a third time, the Israelites regrouped and sought the Lord. They knew their cause was just and that the war was not over until they had won.
Never doubt in the darkness what God told you in the light. If God told you to do something for Him, it will succeed. He knows the enemy’s strategy and will give you the victory in the end!

–By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ALWAYS ON HIS MIND

Read: Isaiah 49:13-18

I have engraved you on the palms of My hands; your walls are ever before Me. –Isaiah 49:16

As a teenager, I had low self-esteem. I wasn’t very handsome at all. I wore glasses that I thought made me look like a nerd. I never could tell jokes and make people laugh. I didn’t think anyone thought much of me–or even thought about me at all (especially Head Cheerleader, Brenda Hinkle… I’m SURE I didn’t exist to her)! But throughout those difficult years I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me dearly–glasses, acne, and all.

I know that Mother’s day is this Sunday, but I’m going to talk about my father for just a minute. Several years ago, I was sitting with my father, talking about the days when I was growing up, and we had a brief, quiet moment. Neither of us said a word for about 20 seconds, and then my dad began to tear up and say that the day I was born, it was the proudest day of his life. And then he added that there is not a day that goes by that he does not think of me and beam with pride all over again.

Moms and dads think about their kids a lot, both before and after they’re born. They suffer for them and with them. They sacrifice for them. They love to laugh with them. They love them and pray for them.

God thinks about His children constantly too. Isaiah 49 assures us that even if a mother could forget the baby she is feeding, or a mother-to-be could forget the baby in her womb–our heavenly Father never forgets any of His children. And God has not just one baby or two (like my parents did) or three or even ten, but millions upon

millions. Yet, He knows each one by name (Isaiah 43:1), and as Psalm 139 so beautifully conveys, He perceives each one’s thoughts, understands each one’s hopes, sympathizes with each one’s fears, shares each one’s dreams, and sees each one’s secret sins. God loves each of us more tenderly than any mother or father ever could.

Next time you feel unloved, remember that Someone is thinking of you with great love and tenderness–the King of kings and the Lord of lords has you always on His mind.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

FULL CONTACT GOLF?

Sports seems to be getting more and more violent as time goes on, doesn’t it? There’s wrestling, hockey, football, and now the violence has turned to the normally relaxing game of golf! A golfer has been arrested after starting a fight at a golf course in Florida over… believe it or not, a lost golf ball. Robert Jacobs has been charged with battery after being accused of scrapping on the fairway with Robert Borkowski. Mr Jacobs claims Mr Borkowski deliberately threw his ball into a lake. He went to get a new ball from Mr Borkowski’s bag and the two started fighting. Because of this incident, Mr Jacobs had to spend some time in jail, but was released on bail. Mr. Jacobs says, “It probably sounds kind of funny. If I opened up the paper and read about this, I’d probably have a laugh at it too, but it happened to me.” ***MARLAR: No sir, you were right, it was funny.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

YOUR HAIRSTYLE DETERMINES YOUR CAREER…

Forget your college degrees and professional training – just make sure you have the right hairstyle! According to a new survey from the fine folks at Brylcreem, a person’s choice of hairstyle may have the greatest influence on their career. Brylcreem found that Mullets were still a popular hairstyle for those whose professions didn’t require a lot of public interaction like construction workers, truck drivers and even (gulp!) radio DJs! Guys with cropped hair or shaved heads were far more likely to be employed in manual labor jobs than those with long hair. Entrepreneurs had the most individual hairstyles which often varied and followed no apparent trend. Examples are Bill Gates sporting a traditional short side parted style, while Donald Trump has a massive flipped back mane that no one can figure out. Lino Carbosiero, Brylcreem Style Director said, “It’s interesting because we like to think we’re all individuals, and that our hair and clothing is a result of personal preferences, when in fact it seems that we all are very influenced by our workplace and co-workers – although I’m sure many of us won’t like to admit that!”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

DJ JESUS

The more I study the Bible, and the more I learn about Jesus, the more I’m convinced that he would’ve made an excellent radio personality! I’ll explain…

I’m sure no one would disagree with me that it takes someone with a very different personality to be a radio DJ. It’s just too bad that Jesus didn’t have broadcasting during his ministry… he would’ve been the perfect candidate for radio.

  • He liked to tell stories.
  • He was widely misunderstood and misquoted (and still is). ***MARLAR: I get emails all the time with complaints about things I’ve said, taken out of context.
  • Some people, misunderstanding Him, simply tuned him out. ***MARLAR: That happens to me all of the time.
  • People who didn’t hear what they wanted to hear tuned him out. ***MARLAR: That’s a big problem in Christian radio – people NOT wanting to hear the truth.
  • He lived on very little, such as bread and fish. ***MARLAR: Welcome to the salary of a DJ.
  • He wore modest clothes. ***MARLAR: Again, welcome to the salary of a DJ.
  • He was used to not making any money, and He didn’t care about it. ***MARLAR: DJs have to get used to not making any money too. But the analogy stops there. I don’t know any DJs that don’t care about it.
  • He could find immense value in something as tiny as a mustard seed. ***MARLAR: This is a direct reflection of the contents of a radio personality’s refrigerator.  We have practically nothing in there but still have to make the best of it.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP 5 LEAST POPULAR BROADWAY MUSICALS

  • “Larry King & I”
  • “Piddler on the Roof”
  • “Lent”
  • “Phantom of the Oprah”
  • “Annie Get Your Application, 5-Day Waiting Period, Clearance Check, Then Your Gun”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Ring Around the Collar

The current season of the popular television show Survivor developed a new team theme. Cast members were recruited and divided up into the categories to match their “fit” in the workplace. The so-called white collars were used to giving the orders, blue collars taking the orders, and “no collars” claimed to be carefree spirits not fitting in with either group.
As a television show, audience had the stereotypes reinforced in the earliest episodes. The blue collar team perceived themselves as hard workers and “grunts on the ground,” willing to do whatever was necessary in the wild. The white collar team couldn’t manage to get a fire going, an essential for cleaning, cooking, and so forth. The carefree group wasn’t worried about who was in charge or when things got done. With their fire started, they preferred to take it easy. You get the picture.
Just in as in real life, misconceptions abound. White collars proved quite capable in physical challenges. Blue collars had to make hard decisions and think ahead. And the carefree world of no collars found tension and emotional baggage in struggling to play the game.
Survivor is about winning a million dollars. Strategy, power, and politics play out everywhere. As people are voted off and teams merge, new social maneuvers must be developed and new alliances created.
So what are the real differences between white collar and blue collar and no collar types? I believe much of it is centered in the power to make decisions and live a lifestyle of your preference. Thus, the real color of your collar may have a green tint: money.
As it’s commonly known, when management wants you to perform, it comes down to two things: more money and/or more power. Remove those, and you diminish perceived “collar” value as well.
Two events in sports over the past weekend provide an interesting illustration.
The NFL Draft was held in Chicago. Our city became Draft Town. In a period of three days, a large group of hard working, dirt churning, sweat generating muscle men transitioned from “blue collar” life into millionaires. While they will remain “under the thumb” of coaches and management, control over their lives made a huge leap.
The second event was the highly promoted boxing match of welterweights on Saturday night. A 38-year-old fighter, Floyd Mayweather Jr, defeated the 36-year-old Manny Pacquiao. The decision was unanimous.
Boxing is hard work. I mean REALLY hard work. The training would kill most of us. The actual fight would kill the rest. So you have to have a LOT of blue collar work ethic to win. And you have to be really good…to make a living.
The fight brought in an estimated $300 million. The Mayweather contract required him to receive 60 percent, win or lose. Let’s just say he won’t have to worry about the price of Jelly Bellies in the days ahead.
So as Mayweather takes the gloves off, do any labels come off? Is he a blue collar guy, or is he now white collar? Or no collar? He could buy his own franchise or start a thousand companies where he’s the boss. In the case of both fighters, money has given them leverage over life.
For these new NFL draftees and those boxing professionals, their success came after hard work and listening to tough taskmasters. All true athletes know success requires regimen and training, discipline and following orders. So do military men and women.
There is more to say on this topic, which I will address in my blog two weeks from now, Lord willing.
In the meantime, here is another tip from a “spiritual leadership consultant” known as Peter. He writes, “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.” (1 Peter 2:18, ESV)
Ruminate on that for a while. And then we’ll get back together for Round 2 in a couple of weeks.
Ding! There goes the bell.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FORGET THAT APPLE A DAY STUFF!
Chocoholics rejoice! A Hershey bar a day could keep the doctor away!

Eating chocolate might one day fend off tooth cavities and thwart dental decay, according to researchers in Japan. They found that parts of the cocoa bean (specifically the bean husk), the main ingredient of chocolate, fights mouth bacteria. The bacteria leads to cavities. The CBH (cocoa bean husk) usually is thrown out and goes to waste. Researchers at Osaka University suggest the bean husk be put back into chocolate to make it better for your teeth. It could also be used in toothpaste and mouthwash. The Japanese researchers found that rats that had CBH added to their water had healthier teeth. They now plan to test their findings on human teeth.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Updated every Monday! Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous!

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS

A high school student in Florida was suspended recently for passing around a petition complaining about Confederate symbols at her school.  

Krista Adams was angry about tee shirts and bumper stickers around campus with such slogans as “If I had known this, I would have picked my own cotton.”  Krista wrote a flier critical of the displays and handed it out around school. Then she passed around a petition urging that the rebel flag be banned from the campus. She got 94 people to sign it. For that, she was suspended for 10 days.  The school said it was for distributing unauthorized material on school grounds.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, you can’t be spreading free speech around – that could be dangerous!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

NASA’s chief scientist recently predicted that we’d find signs of life beyond Earth within a decade or so, but a new study by researchers at Penn State — one of the most exhaustive of its type — isn’t very encouraging. According to Huffington Post, After surveying tens of thousands of galaxies surrounding our own Milky Way galaxy, the scientists turned up no sign of advanced alien civilizations. http://huff.to/1NJXtFD

 

Hundreds of pro-life physicians are throwing their support behind the abortion pill reversal process that—to date—has saved the lives of 89 unborn children whose mothers took the abortion pill and then changed their minds. According to Christianity Today, using Progesterone as a reversal of mifepristone is identified as an off-label use of an FDA approved drug but advocates say it is completely legal. So far only one small study has been done testing how well the reversal works but officials say that, so far, it seems to be working and has very minimal side affects.  http://bit.ly/1GHirAR

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 08, 2015…

 

Hot Pursuit—Reese Witherspoon is a police officer and rather soft at heart. She is supposed to protect Sofia Vergara (former wife of a crook) from bad guys. Trouble is, everyone wants Sofia and the two go on the run (remember the team of Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock who were both police officers), and this buddy-picture continues. The cast includes Richard I. Jones and Michael Mosley. “Hot Pursuit” is rated PG 13. No rating and go back and see “Wild” again.

 

Lambert & Stamp (opening in select cities)—Documentary directed by James D. Cooper. It is about early filmmakers  Chris Stamp and Kit Lambert finding things for their rock movie, and in doing so, discovered and worked with the rock group, The Who. “Lambert & Stamp” is not rated. Of interest to rock fans.

 

The D Train—Jack Black decides to plan the 20th class reunion.  How to get people to attend?  He asks the guy (James Marsden) who was the most popular man in the class at that time, to attend and help.  Things don’t always go as planned in this comedy Also in the cast is Jeffrey Tambor. “The D Train” is rated R. No rating.

 

Dior and I (opening in select cities)—A documentary about Raf Simons, who with eight weeks to go, took over the reins of the House of Dior and was expected to put on a Haute Couture fashion show. Talk about stress!  Besides Simons, there is Anna Wintour, and movie stars Jennifer Lawrence and Sharon Stone. “Dior and I”  is not rated. Rating of 2 for fashion fans.

 

I Am Big Bird (opening in select cities)—Documentary about the man (Caroll Spinney) who has played the popular Sesame Street character from the first day. Yes, he is over 80 years old and still going strong. What stories to tell. Guest appearances are by Bill Henson and Frank Oz, plus directed by Dave LaMattina and Chad Walker. “I Am Big Bird” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.

 

MAY 15, 2015…

 

Pitch Perfect 2 follows the exploits of the Bellas as they try to win yet another music competition. Stars Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson

 

Mad Max: Fury Road takes us back to the “Mad Max” era and this time Tom Hardy has the Max role with Charlize Theron as a friend and Nicholas Hoult as the enemy.

 

Animals (opening in select cities) is a film about drug addiction and stars David Dastmalchian and Kim Shaw.

 

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WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.