May 11, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180511
PDF: 20180511

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The station revamped its dental plan. The boss bought us a new toothbrush.

If you decide to complain about this show, please be sure to mention me. The ultimate insult to a radio personality is to criticize his program without mentioning his name.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Knowledge is, in every country, the surest basis of public happiness.” – George Washington

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”. –Romans 12:12

So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled. — 1 Thessalonians 5:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9

Thought: God wants all people brought to repentance so they can receive his grace and live with him in glory. If that is God’s passion, how can we not make it our passion?

Prayer: Father, I know that you hold the day of Jesus’ return in your hands, and the reason he waits to return is known only to you. However, dear Father, I also know that you want all people to come to know Jesus as their Savior. Please use me to share the message of salvation and the gift of your grace with someone around me this week. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 5:11 NIV = And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MAY 11, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
227 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is LADIES WHO DON’T SWEAR APPRECIATION DAY.  ***Shucks, you gotta love them, dagnabbit!

Today is EAT WHAT YOU WANT DAY, a day to ignore all those warnings.  ***Known at our house as Friday!”

Today is THEORY OF RELATIVITY DAY. It was on this date in 1916 that Einstein’s theory was first presented. ***It states that the amount you love your relatives is in direct proportion to how far away they are from you.

Today is ROOT CANAL APPRECIATION DAY. ***Being celebrated by absolutely no one.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Foam Rolling Day
National Provider Appreciation Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Child Care Provider Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, MAY 12

American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Limerick Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Dog Mom’s Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
National Windmill Day
Native American Rights Day
Odometer Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
Mother’s Day
Mother’s At The Wall Day

MONDAY, MAY 14

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

TUESDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
International MPS Awareness Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
National Slider Day (the food)
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
International Day of Light
Mimosa Day
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
National Juice Slush Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day
Ramadan begins
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

THURSDAY, MAY 17
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

FRIDAY, MAY 18

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
Endangered Species Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
Mother Whistler Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Museum Day
National Pizza Party Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

ON THIS DAY

1888: The Women’s’ Missionary Union, an auxiliary to the Southern Baptist Convention, was formed in Richmond, Virginia. The WMU is still active today.

1916: Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was presented.

1957: Buddy Holly and the Crickets auditioned for “Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts.” They were rejected.

1965: The Byrds made their TV debut with “Mr. Tambourine Man” on NBC’s “Hullabaloo.”

1972: John Lennon claimed to TV’s Dick Cavett the FBI had tapped the singer’s phone.

1974: Pat Gahan, a student at Trinity University in San Antonio, woke up to find he had been sleeping with a 6-foot alligator. It was someone’s idea of a joke. ***The joke was on the jokesters though… he now has a lovely pair of alligator slippers and matching handbag.

1981: Reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital. He was 36.

1990: Singer Ritchie Valens received a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, almost 33 years after his death.

1990: Cooks at the Royal Society Show in Dublin, Ireland, made history’s largest lasagna. It was 5 feet by 50 feet and weighed 3,610 pounds.

1993: Police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested Rodrigo Almeida outside the bank he’d just robbed. He was waiting in line to phone for a getaway taxi.

1997: A 32-year-old Brazilian burglar in Jaguapita tried to blow the safe at the town bank by filling it with gas and lighting it. It worked. It also blew the roof off the building. The bandit suffered only minor injuries.

1997: World chess champ Garry Kasparov lost his first-ever multi-game match to IBM’s chess computer Deep Blue, the first time a computer had defeated a world-champion player.

1999: A peeping Tom was hiding in the ceiling crawl space of a Mountain Home, Arkansas, tanning salon watching three women tan when the ceiling collapsed. He was so embarrassed he locked himself in the bathroom until police arrived. No one was injured.

2003: A Virginia man who began a chain of chewing gum wrappers as an 11-year-old Canadian in 1965 passed the million mark. Gary Duschl’s chain of wrappers stretched over eight miles and weighed 600 pounds when he collected his one-millionth wrapper.

2003: Canada beat Sweden 3-2 in Finland to win its first hockey world championship in six years.

2007: A Madison, Wisconsin. delivery truck ran over Ryan Lipscomb’s 26-year-old head, leaving him only with a concussion and a mangled helmet. He was shaken up, especially after he saw the condition of his helmet. His black Giro helmet was flattened, tread marks visible on the cracked frame. He said, “It feels really strange to have a truck run over your head.” Lipscomb was taken to the hospital and released about three hours later.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

330: Roman emperor Constantine, the first Christian emperor, inaugurates Constantinople as his capital on the site of the Greek city of Byzantium.

603: Comgall, founder and first abbot of Bangor, dies. Considered the founder of Irish monasticism, by his death he oversaw 3,000 monks—including the famous missionary Columbanus.

1610: Jesuit missionary Matteo Ricci, the first Catholic missionary to China, dies. Entering the country as a repairer of clocks, Ricci was criticized for becoming a Confucian scholar and allowing ancestor “worship.” Though the number of his converts was relatively small, it included many influential Chinese scholars and families, who played key roles in the future of Christianity in China.

1621: Death of Johann Arndt, 65, German Lutheran theologian. Called the precursor of Pietism, Arndt was the greatest name in the history of German mysticism after Thomas a Kempis.

1682: The General Court of Massachusetts repealed two laws which had been passed two years earlier: one forbade the keeping of Christmas, and the second mandated capital punishment for Quakers who returned to the colony after being banished.

1824: St. Regis Seminary was opened in Florissant, Missouri. It was the first Roman Catholic institution established in America for the higher education of American Indians.

1825: The American Tract Society, the first national tract league in America, was formed in NY City by the merger of 50 smaller societies.

1888: The Woman’s Missionary Union, Auxiliary to the Southern Baptist Convention, had its inception in Richmond, Virginia, when delegates from 15 states met to form a general women’s organization within the denomination.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress/Former MTV VJ Martha Quinn, 59
  • Actress (Titanic) Frances Fisher, 66

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1888 : Irving Berlin

1931 : Dick Garcia

1935 : Kit Lambert

1941 : Eric Burdon (The Animals)

1943 : Arnie Satin (The Dovells)

1943 : Les Chadwick (Gerry and the Pacemakers)

1947 : Butch Trucks (The Allman Brothers Band)

1955 : Mark Herndon (Alabama)

1955 : Jonathan Jeczalik (The Art of Noise)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What’s the purpose of that snap-box thing they clack in front of a movie camera just before filming a take?
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen one of these things in some TV documentary about the movies and never asked myself why the heck they needed it. But sure as shootin,’ just before the camera roles, some fool sticks this box that has the title and take number printed on it in front of the camera and clacks it. The key, it turns out, is in the clack. The purpose of this mysterious ritual is to synchronize the soundtrack with the picture. In the editing room during post-production, the editor can align the soundtrack for the entire scene by synchronizing the clack sound with the frame in which the box – it’s called a clapboard – is snapped closed. Then again, sometimes it’s more fun if King Kong opens his mouth to roar and you hear instead someone ordering a coffee with milk and a piece of Danish.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Katy Perry sent an olive branch and a sweet letter to Taylor Swift as Taylor launched her new tour. Apparently, their bad blood is now behind them.  ***At least until they begin to feel irrelevant and need to something to garner press again.

A Canadian zoo is in trouble after a bear was taken out for ice cream at a local Dairy Queen. Discovery Wildlife Park in Alberta faces two charges for failing to notify officials the bear was leaving the zoo. One-year-old Berkley was taken through the drive-thru Dairy Queen in a pickup truck and hand-fed ice cream through the vehicle’s window.  ***It was really cute until the bear got angry because they wouldn’t give him any more candy sprinkles.

Ticketmaster says they could one day replace tickets with facial recognition.  ***Meaning all us ugly people would likely be reassigned to sit in the back of the arena.

A man nicknamed “Captain Jack Sparrow” was arrested in Knoxville for huffing glue and resisting arrest.  ***Huffing glue?  Was the Black Pearl fresh out of rum?  Come to think of it… how did you sail your pirate ship into land-locked Tennessee to begin with?

Following President Trump’s decision this week to pull out of the Iran nuclear deal, Iran’s supreme leader said of Trump: “This man will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.”  ***Well, duh.  Of course – we all die eventually and become worm food.  Thanks for the update there, Captain Obvious.

A pair of twins born in Utah on May 4th, Star Wars Day were named Rowan Luke and Kai Leia after the movie’s characters.  ***Their parents better enroll them in self-defense courses before they hit grade school.  I’m just saying.

Sky News is planning to ID celebrities at the upcoming Royal Wedding using AI.  ***So let me get this straight… you didn’t invite Donald Trump or Sarah Ferguson to the wedding… but you did invite The Terminator?

In Florida, a woman in an old white sedan pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast food restaurant. When the employee asked her what she wanted, the woman said she had a gun and wanted money. The employee asked her how much she wanted, and the woman replied, “Fifty dollars.” The employee told her to get lost, and then closed the window. The woman drove away with nothing. ***Was there a correct amount to ask for?

A Picasso nude painting “Young Girl with a Flower Basket” sold at an auction Tuesday for $115 million.  ***Imagine how much it might’ve sold for if he decided to paint her some clothes!

April was the coldest it’s been in 20 years across the U.S.  ***Especially between Donald and Melania after the Stormie news.

Poland now has a Hershey Highway – quite literally. Thanks to an overturned semi-truck truck near Slupca, tons of liquid milk chocolate covered a six-lane highway and the stuff hardened, blocking traffic and creating a nightmare for clean-up crews. The chocolate gushed across all six lanes on the A2 which connects Poznan to Warsaw, blocking traffic in both directions. Videos posted to Twitter show excavators scooping the soppy, sticky mess from the highway as traffic builds up. Meanwhile, the truck lies on its side in the median. The driver is okay – suffering only a broken arm. Nobody else was hurt.  ***Although they are expecting the highway will soon need some very strong acne medication.

Rose McGowan says she’s leaving the “Hollywood bubble” behind. She’s giving up acting and becoming a full-time activist.  ***It’s never the people you really want to see less of that make these kinds of decisions.  Tell me Michael Bay is quitting Hollywood and you’ll make my day!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

There’s a report that NASA has invented an age-reversing pill that would give to astronauts traveling to Mars. ***MARS?!?! How about taking care of Earth, first? Seriously, who wouldn’t immediately sign up for a prescription for age-reversing pills?!?!

A “USA Today” analysis of federal energy records found that about once every four days, part of the nation’s power grid is struck by a cyber or physical attack.  ***This news brought to you by the good folks at Generators R Us.

A recent study shows that people who “like” charities on Facebook are less likely to donate to them. ***Wait, you mean to say people are sometimes untruthful on social media?

The latest survey of teens and tech shows nearly 8 in 10 (78%) have a cell phone, and almost half of those (48%) own smartphones. ***The 2 in 10 kids who don’t have a cell phone probably couldn’t reach it anyway because they’re always stuffed in their locker.

A new study shows that our brains need rebooting. The study published in a recent edition of the journal Science found that a plumbing network in the brains of mice flushes out cellular waste while sleeping. The study officials found that several important housekeeping functions take place while sleeping. ***In case you didn’t catch that… whenever you go to sleep, you get brainwashed!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear was so caught up with his bowling skills during a tournament that he kept canceling his checkers game with Sully. In fact, he’s even waved it off as unimportant and told Sully to play with Nozzles the Elephant instead… Nozzles the elephant?

CLOSE: So Gruffy isn’t on the bowling team anymore… but he told Sully to play checkers with Nozzles the Elephant. Looks like breaking promises is catching up to Gruffy. Can he mend his friendship with Sully? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

We may have found the world’s laziest man…

…and he’s so lazy that he painted over a rat in his restaurant instead of picking it up!  The inDUHvidual’s name is Theo Morris, he’s a cafe owner in Brisbane, Australia, and he was fined $20,000 by health inspectors for painting over a dead rat rather than picking it up. Acting on a tip from his own grossed out staff, food safety inspectors discovered the rodent stuck to the floor and covered in red paint in the main dining area of the restaurant. But our furry friend was just the beginning. There was also a giant fungus, other rodents both dead and alive, cockroaches and untouched food being rescued from garbage cans before being re-served.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS NOT TO DRESS ONCE YOU HIT FIFTY

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

10. A nose ring and bifocals

9. A pierced tongue and dentures

8. Miniskirts and support hose

7. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

5. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

4. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

3. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

2. Short shorts and varicose veins

1. Spiked hair and bald spots

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

When applying to be a police officer, it usually helps to have a clean criminal record…

FILE #1: Laurie Ralston of Amherst, Ohio sent in an application to work for the Amherst police department; but it wasn’t her resume that got the attention of police… it was her record.  After she applied for a job as a police dispatcher, police did a background check and found she had 17 traffic convictions, including seven speeding tickets and two citations for driving without a license.  She was called back for what she was told would be an interview. Instead, she was busted and charged with failing to appear in court and driving without a license.   Ralston says she had no idea she was wanted.

FILE #2: A man from Sweden is in custody for suspicion of theft. The interesting thing is how they caught this guy. You see, he tried to reclaim a bag police found on the bus. The bag contained a sawed off shotgun and mask. Police still don’t understand why this guy thought they wouldn’t have looked inside of it.

FILE #3: A disgruntled 51-year-old Pleasant Prairie man recently arrested in a case of vandalism at his boss’ house probably could have found a better getaway vehicle than his work truck.  The whacked-out worker is accused of pouring 10 pounds of roofing tar on his boss’ porch late one morning before driving away.  He wasn’t too hard to track down, however. Police just homed in on the global-positioning system the man’s employer had placed in the company’s vehicles.

STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies in Baltimore, MD.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Some people will drink anything.
A British woman accused of downing prescription drugs, two or three bottles of wine and liquid soap from a London-bound jetliner’s lavatory before scuffling with flight attendants is in jail in Maine. Prosecutors say Galina Rusanova punched and kicked attendants on the Chicago-based United Airlines flight. They say she snapped “like a dog” while trying to bite one. The FBI says the Russian-born London resident had gone to Los Angeles to visit a man she met over the Internet and was returning Wednesday when her flight was diverted to Bangor.

PHONER PHUN

Today is “Eat What You Want Day” – so what would that be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said of Israel, “They have rejected me, that I should not reign over them?

ANSWER: God (1 Samuel 8:7)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: An organization with the acronym of “SCROOGE” was formed in 1979 in Charlottesville, Virginia. What does the acronym stand for?

ANSWER: Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous and Ostentatious Gift Exchanges.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. “American Idol” was the first T.V. show ever to be watched by over fifty million households. (False, “M*A*S*H*”)

2. Red Connors was Hopalong Cassidy’s sidekick. (True)

3. A McDonald’s Big Mac contains 4 pieces of bun. (False, 3)

4. Most American car horns beep in the key of B. (False, F)

5. Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters in 1933. (True)

6. BMW stands for British Motor Works. (False, Bavarian Motor Works)

7. Rodney Dangerfield started out with a career as a paint salesman but then went to show business. (True)

8. JFK gave Marilyn Monroe a white poodle named “Mafia.” (False, Frank Sinatra did)

9. At the start of the 1980s, it cost 10 cents to mail a first-class letter in the United States. (False, 15 cents)

10. The average person sees 1 million commercials each year on TV. (False, 20,000)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR NEIGHBOR IS AN ___________ (EXTRATERRESTRIAL)

Many top scientists believe that aliens live secretly among us. The sneaky intergalactic travelers often pose as our friends, neighbors and co-workers while they learn the ways of Earth. But how can you tell invading aliens from real humans?

Weekly World News has interviewed dozens of experts and conducted exhaustive research to bring you this list of the top ten ways to recognize aliens in our midst.

1 Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their eyes. Most aliens have large, staring eyes that are hard to conceal. Sunglasses help them appear more normal.

2 Aliens have cold and clammy skin. Many aliens wear synthetic skin in order to pass themselves off as human. It’s never as warm as real skin, and it often feels “slimy” to the touch.

3They smell. Aliens use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans.

4 Aliens are obsessed with technology. They spend hours chatting on cell phones and sending e-mails. But they’re not conversing with people — they are actually transmitting data they’ve accumulated back to their home worlds.

5 Aliens have strange bodily proportions. The newest breeds of aliens attempt to imitate human appearance — but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free.

6 Aliens have strange diets. Aliens may not be able to digest most human foods. Because of this, they are limited in the types of foods they can eat, and they may become vegetarians. Watch out for people who eat a lot of melons — that’s an alien favorite.

7 Aliens dance in inhuman ways. Most alien species have a completely different physiology than ours. They have the ability to move their bodies to music in a way no ordinary human can, and this results in a Dancing style that is quite breathtaking.

8 Aliens do not understand Earth’s sense of humor. Forget what you saw on Mork and Mindy. Aliens find it difficult to understand laughter — even a simple knock-knock joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times — like during a funeral — or stare blankly at the funniest jokes.

9 Aliens dress in oddly revealing clothes. Aliens find clothing irritates their flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe.

10 Aliens ask hundreds of questions. Aliens are on Earth for research, and they want to learn as much as possible about Earthlings. They’re like alien anthropologists, fascinated by human behavior and eager to study our culture. So keep your eyes open for any people asking a lot of nosy questions.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A police officer pulled a woman over for driving erratically. She explained, “I was driving down the road, when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees magically appeared in the road.”

Shaking his head the officer said, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.”

JOKE #2

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.

“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner.

“I know,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”

JOKE #3

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn.  The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud.  When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, “Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee” he replied.

“How do you spell that?  asked the teacher.

“My mommy helps me” said the little boy.

USELESS FACTS

Peru’s government says it’s high time Peruvians were on time. Chronic lateness in Peru is often overlooked as an endearing cultural trait, with weddings, funerals and business meetings rarely starting on time. It’s even considered rude to be punctual for a party. But the government says the time has come to change that attitude. ***Here in the United States it’s called “church time.”

Scientists at Oxford University’s Imperial Cancer Research Fund found that people who eat fresh fruit daily had 24 percent fewer heart attacks and 32 percent fewer strokes. ***Do strawberry Pop Tarts count as fresh fruit?

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOOD QUESTION

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What was the longest you were ever sentenced to detention in school? One man just finished doing 25 years of it!

In 2005, the Weekly World News reported from Fort Wayne, Indiana, a boy who got caught pulling a cruel prank in high school has finally completed his detention — 25 years later. It was in 1980 that Jerry Finkle received the harsh sentence from a fed-up teacher. “I deserved it,” the 42-year-old Finkle has been showing up at his old high school every day at 3pm and staying two hours for detention. Finkle, who now works as an accountant, was not legally obligated to finish his detention, but he chose to do so anyway. “It just felt like the right thing to do,” Finkle says. “I did a lot of bad things in high school, and this was my way of making up for it.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

So they went out to fight against the warriors of Benjamin, but the men of Benjamin killed another eighteen thousand Israelites, all of whom were experienced with a sword. –Judges 20:24-25

Is it possible to be doing the right thing and still seem to be losing the battle? The Lord himself had commissioned the men of Israel, saying, “Go out and fight against them” (Judges 20:23). The Israelites’ battle was in retaliation for Benjamin’s wickedness. You would think that God would have instantly given the Israelites victory. Instead, they were defeated twice before they finally prevailed! How important it is not to interpret one lost battle as meaning that God is not with you! Satan may win a battle, but he won’t win the war. You are fighting the Lord’s battles, not your own. Casualties often occur in war, but victory is sure to come to the one who keeps inquiring of the Lord. Once, then twice, then a third time, the Israelites regrouped and sought the Lord. They knew their cause was just and that the war was not over until they had won.
Never doubt in the darkness what God told you in the light. If God told you to do something for Him, it will succeed. He knows the enemy’s strategy and will give you the victory in the end!

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ALWAYS ON HIS MIND

Read: Isaiah 49:13-18

I have engraved you on the palms of My hands; your walls are ever before Me. –Isaiah 49:16

As a teenager, I had low self-esteem. I wasn’t very handsome at all. I wore glasses that I thought made me look like a nerd. I never could tell jokes and make people laugh. I didn’t think anyone thought much of me–or even thought about me at all (especially Head Cheerleader, Brenda Hinkle… I’m SURE I didn’t exist to her)! But throughout those difficult years I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me dearly–glasses, acne, and all.

I know that Mother’s day is this Sunday, but I’m going to talk about my father for just a minute. Several years ago, I was sitting with my father, talking about the days when I was growing up, and we had a brief, quiet moment. Neither of us said a word for about 20 seconds, and then my dad began to tear up and say that the day I was born, it was the proudest day of his life. And then he added that there is not a day that goes by that he does not think of me and beam with pride all over again.

Moms and dads think about their kids a lot, both before and after they’re born. They suffer for them and with them. They sacrifice for them. They love to laugh with them. They love them and pray for them.

God thinks about His children constantly too. Isaiah 49 assures us that even if a mother could forget the baby she is feeding, or a mother-to-be could forget the baby in her womb–our heavenly Father never forgets any of His children. And God has not just one baby or two (like my parents did) or three or even ten, but millions upon

millions. Yet, He knows each one by name (Isaiah 43:1), and as Psalm 139 so beautifully conveys, He perceives each one’s thoughts, understands each one’s hopes, sympathizes with each one’s fears, shares each one’s dreams, and sees each one’s secret sins. God loves each of us more tenderly than any mother or father ever could.

Next time you feel unloved, remember that Someone is thinking of you with great love and tenderness–the King of kings and the Lord of lords has you always on His mind.

LEFTOVERS

FULL CONTACT GOLF?

Sports seems to be getting more and more violent as time goes on, doesn’t it? There’s wrestling, hockey, football, and now the violence has turned to the normally relaxing game of golf! A golfer has been arrested after starting a fight at a golf course in Florida over… believe it or not, a lost golf ball. Robert Jacobs has been charged with battery after being accused of scrapping on the fairway with Robert Borkowski. Mr Jacobs claims Mr Borkowski deliberately threw his ball into a lake. He went to get a new ball from Mr Borkowski’s bag and the two started fighting. Because of this incident, Mr Jacobs had to spend some time in jail, but was released on bail. Mr. Jacobs says, “It probably sounds kind of funny. If I opened up the paper and read about this, I’d probably have a laugh at it too, but it happened to me.” ***MARLAR: No sir, you were right, it was funny.

LIFE… LIVE IT

YOUR HAIRSTYLE DETERMINES YOUR CAREER…

Forget your college degrees and professional training – just make sure you have the right hairstyle! According to a new survey from the fine folks at Brylcreem, a person’s choice of hairstyle may have the greatest influence on their career. Brylcreem found that Mullets were still a popular hairstyle for those whose professions didn’t require a lot of public interaction like construction workers, truck drivers and even (gulp!) radio DJs! Guys with cropped hair or shaved heads were far more likely to be employed in manual labor jobs than those with long hair. Entrepreneurs had the most individual hairstyles which often varied and followed no apparent trend. Examples are Bill Gates sporting a traditional short side parted style, while Donald Trump has a massive flipped back mane that no one can figure out. Lino Carbosiero, Brylcreem Style Director said, “It’s interesting because we like to think we’re all individuals, and that our hair and clothing is a result of personal preferences, when in fact it seems that we all are very influenced by our workplace and co-workers – although I’m sure many of us won’t like to admit that!”

JUST FOR FUN

DJ JESUS

The more I study the Bible, and the more I learn about Jesus, the more I’m convinced that he would’ve made an excellent radio personality! I’ll explain…

I’m sure no one would disagree with me that it takes someone with a very different personality to be a radio DJ. It’s just too bad that Jesus didn’t have broadcasting during his ministry… he would’ve been the perfect candidate for radio.

  • He liked to tell stories.

  • He was widely misunderstood and misquoted (and still is). ***MARLAR: I get emails all the time with complaints about things I’ve said, taken out of context.

  • Some people, misunderstanding Him, simply tuned him out. ***MARLAR: That happens to me all of the time.

  • People who didn’t hear what they wanted to hear tuned him out. ***MARLAR: That’s a big problem in Christian radio – people NOT wanting to hear the truth.

  • He lived on very little, such as bread and fish. ***MARLAR: Welcome to the salary of a DJ.

  • He wore modest clothes. ***MARLAR: Again, welcome to the salary of a DJ.

  • He was used to not making any money, and He didn’t care about it. ***MARLAR: DJs have to get used to not making any money too. But the analogy stops there. I don’t know any DJs that don’t care about it.

  • He could find immense value in something as tiny as a mustard seed. ***MARLAR: This is a direct reflection of the contents of a radio personality’s refrigerator.  We have practically nothing in there but still have to make the best of it.

FUN LIST

TOP 5 LEAST POPULAR BROADWAY MUSICALS

  • “Larry King & I”
  • “Piddler on the Roof”
  • “Lent”
  • “Phantom of the Oprah”
  • “Annie Get Your Application, 5-Day Waiting Period, Clearance Check, Then Your Gun”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FORGET THAT APPLE A DAY STUFF!
Chocoholics rejoice! A Hershey bar a day could keep the doctor away!

Eating chocolate might one day fend off tooth cavities and thwart dental decay, according to researchers in Japan. They found that parts of the cocoa bean (specifically the bean husk), the main ingredient of chocolate, fights mouth bacteria. The bacteria leads to cavities. The CBH (cocoa bean husk) usually is thrown out and goes to waste. Researchers at Osaka University suggest the bean husk be put back into chocolate to make it better for your teeth. It could also be used in toothpaste and mouthwash. The Japanese researchers found that rats that had CBH added to their water had healthier teeth. They now plan to test their findings on human teeth.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you want to be happier, cancel your Facebook account. That’s the conclusion from a Danish think tank that insists quitting Facebook will not only make you happier, but also less angry, less sad and less worried. Facebook is, in many ways, a study of the haves vs. the have-nots. When a Facebook friend buys an expensive new car and lords it over everyone with lots of photos, it makes you feel even worse about that old heap in your driveway — especially because you know you’ll never be able to afford the car your friend just purchased. The Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, Denmark, found that after only seven days away from Facebook, those users reported feeling happier, less sad, less worried, less angry and less depressed. They also said they enjoyed life more. In addition, they were more likely to feel present in the moment and said they were better able to concentrate. Meanwhile, the Facebook users who did not take a break were 55 percent more likely to feel stressed than those who stopped it. They were also 39 percent more likely to feel less happy than non-users.

Want to improve your memory? A new study finds that reading something aloud is the best way to remember it. Researchers at the University of Waterloo tested 95 students over two semesters using four different methods: reading silently, reading aloud, hearing someone else read aloud, and hearing a recording of themselves read aloud. Reading the information aloud to themselves emerged as the most effective method in the test, which involved trying to remember a list of words. As Mental Floss notes, hearing a recording of themselves also seemed to help, at least more so than hearing another’s voice, perhaps because it’s so odd to hear ourselves that it becomes what’s known as a “salient memory.” The study, in the journal Memory, builds off what’s known as the “production” effect, referring to the repetition of words aloud instead of in silence. “This study confirms that learning and memory benefit from active involvement,” says study co-author and Waterloo psychology professor Colin M. MacLeod in a news release. “When we add an active measure or a production element to a word, that word becomes more distinct in long-term memory, and hence more memorable.” (Quartz)

The best way to shake off stress is to read a good book. Novels take your mind off your worries as your brain turns the words into mental pictures, experts explain. “The words on the page stimulate your creativity and cause you to enter what is essentially an altered state of consciousness,” says neuropsychologist Dr. David Lewis. Lewis and his team at the consulting firm Mindlabs International recently tested the soothing effects of several activities. And reading fiction came out number one, clamming people’s stress levels by 68%. Second came listening to music, which slashed stress 61%, followed by a serving of either tea or coffee, which reduced tension 54%. Finally, going for walks cut stress 42%.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recently stated that snoozing for seven-plus hours per night can benefit your weight, chronic disease risk, and mental health. Duh. Something you probably do not know: The time you spend underneath that duvet can also impact your baby-making odds. One study found that pregnancy rates were highest in women who averaged seven to eight hours of snoozin’, while those who logged nine to 11 hours had the lowest. Other research suggests that ladies who work night shifts are more likely to miscarry, and a recent University of Toronto study linked crappy sleepy during pregnancy with postpartum depression. The takeaway: Your reproductive health is yet another reasons to see your doc if you consistently catch subpar sleep scientist Clete Kushida, M.D. (Women’s Health)

Call it the power of your voice. When it comes to getting a new job, one thing may be more important than your resume or references: making your pitch. Job-hunters who have fine-tuned their speaking skills so they can eloquently and succinctly explain aloud why they should be hired for a particular job are much more likely to be successful in their quest for employment. And even though excellent writing skills are always an asset for any professional position, being able to present that job pitch in writing is not as effective as when it is spoken. Students in a study were consistently rated as being more competent, thoughtful and intelligent when the evaluators listened to the pitch, rather than read it — even when the identical words were used for both the verbal and written pitch.  ***So maybe start with no longer saying, “Can I axe you a question”.  The word is ASK… not AXE.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A 32-year employee of the Covington Independent School District in Kentucky passed away a few years ago. This week he was honored for donating his estate to the district. Alvin Randlett donated more than $175,000 to the Office of the Attorney General’s Child Victims’ Trust Fund. The donation helps to protect children from abuse, a cause Randlett embraced while serving as a janitor at an elementary school for all 32 years.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Barton, Vermont, 68-year-old Leroy Mason had complained many times about frequent false alarms from the smoke detector in the kitchen of his apartment, but fire crews refused to relocate it. So the next time it went off, Mr. Mason decided to relocate it himself – with his 20-gauge shotgun. Unfortunately the blast hit the adjoining wall of an occupied apartment. Emergency personnel say they took the shotgun from Mason, who then pointed a handgun at them. They were able to disarm him and fortunately there were no injuries. However, Mr. Mason, does have quite a few charges he’ll now have to answer for. His attorney declined to comment. (10News.com)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party—Melissa McCarthy is the star of this film which is about a woman who doesn’t know what to do when her husband leaves her. Her daughter is in college, so why not join her and earn a degree, too? Though it seems like a good plan, it doesn’t always work out with class schedules, daughter’s friends and just becoming adjusted to something new.  Also, in the cast are Maya Rudolph, Molly Gordon and Gillian Jacobs. “Life Of The Party” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Breaking In—This is a thriller that involves trying to break into a top-secure building to rescue hostages, especially if they are family.  Gabrielle Union stars as the women determined to do the impossible. Also, in the cast are Billy Burke and Richard Cabral. “Breaking In” is rated R. No rating.

Terminal-–A story that weaves around several characters including a crook planning a robbery, a woman with various personas and revenge. The cast includes Max Irons, Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya,”) Dexter Fletcher, and Simon Pegg. Directed by Vaughn Stein.  “Terminal” is rated R. No rating.

Assassins Code—Another crime film and this one is about a detective who is trying to solve a murder, and suddenly there is someone to help him—a ghost. Stars Justin Chatwin and Peter Stormare. “Assassins Code” is rated R. No rating.

Tully (opening in select cities) —This film concerns a middle-age woman (Charlize Theron) who has just too many things to do in a day.  Sound familiar? Enter a young woman (Mackenzie Davis) who works nights and then the two women talk and begin to understand each other. “Tully” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Seagull (opening in select cities) —Annette Bening again takes on an historical role, this time it is Irina Arkadina from Anton Chekhov’s play, “The Seagull.” The story centers on a mature actress (Bening) who is vacationing by a lake with her young boyfriend (Corey Stoll.) Here comes a younger actress (Saoirse Ronan) who is the girlfriend of Bening’s son (Billy Howle.) The son has written a play. Things start getting interesting and involve jealousy. Brian Dennehy is also in the cast. “The Seagull” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans. 

MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel has no title, as such, and again stars Ryan Reynolds. Need I say more?

Show Dogs is a film about a police dog going undercover. You read that right. Stars Will Arnett.

Pope Francis–A Man Of His Word is a documentary on the Pope.

Book Club is about women who find interesting books and friends with similar interests. Stars Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.