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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150514
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’m not really a pet person so I’m not sure – but my pet rock looks stoned. Should I be concerned?
I just can’t seem to find any motivation today. I must be out of it. I’ll pick some up at the store later – if I can find enough motivation to go. #Catch22
(THE JOCK SHOW) will air in just a moment — and believe me, it could stand an airing.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. — 1 Corinthians 15:55-57
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. — Psalm 108:3
Thought: Songs go where evangelism, witnessing, and planned outreach sometimes cannot go. Songs tell a story, offer praise, and deliver truth in a package that opens the heart and stirs the emotions. Songs give life to the soul and stir something primal, buried deep inside by God. When you are around friends you are trying to reach with the Gospel, listen for the kind of music they like. Then when the time is right, point them to songs that share the message of the Gospel with a melody and beat that can stir their hearts. God wants us to praise him, not just in our sanctuaries and churches, but with our friends and across cultures. He wants us to sing in ways that help other people know the “heart song” of our Redeemer’s love.
Prayer: Almighty God and righteous Father, thank you so much for the gift of song. Thank you for lyricists that capture the mood of our hearts and the word of your grace and help move others closer to faith. Please bless all those involved in bringing Christian songs to the public and making your Word more understandable to the masses. Empower singing in your Church, and help us to sing of your salvation in ways that reach all peoples on the earth. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 John 5:14 NIV = This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 14, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 226 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is KIWANIS PRAYER WEEK. ***MARLAR: This week, of course, is when all of the world’s Kiwaninites take the week to pray to their God Kiwanil, the God of… of uh… Kiwi. Okay, maybe I should start doing some research on these holidays, you think? (Actually, Kiwanis is an organization that supports young adults and children around the world.)
Today is NATIONAL DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN DAY. ***MARLAR: Ironically, the “Chicken Dance” is remarkably similar to the mating dance of the Kiwi bird.
Today is UNDERGROUND AMERICA DAY. Malcolm Wells of Brewster, Massachusetts, wants everyone to think about designing and building stuff underground. ***MARLAR: And after this weird holidays report, I’m thinking I’ll be spending quite a bit of time there. Underground, that is.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day
COMING UP NEXT
FRIDAY, MAY 15
International Day of Families
National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day
Nylon Stocking Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
- Henry Pun-off Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Pizza Party Day
SATURDAY, MAY 16
National Piercing Day
Armed Forces Day
National Learn to Swim Day
SUNDAY, MAY 17
Bay to Breakers Race (Oldest Footrace in America)
Morel Mushroom Day (Weekend after Mother’s Day)
World Information Society Day
World Telecommunications Day
MONDAY, MAY 18
Mother Whistler Day
Visit your Relatives Day
TUESDAY, MAY 19
Boys Club Day
May Ray Day
National Hepatitis Testing Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander, HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 20
Eliza Doolittle Day
Weights & Measures Day
THURSDAY, MAY 21
American Red Cross Founder’s Day
I Need a Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development
ON THIS DAY
1804: The Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory left St. Louis.
1856: U.S. Secretary of War Jefferson Davis brought the first camels to America to test as military pack animals. The project was abandoned because the camels wouldn’t follow orders and they stank. ***MARLAR: That’s weird – those are the same reasons they gave me when I tried to enlist.
1874: Harvard became the first to charge admission to a football game at Cambridge, Massachusetts, beating Canada’s McGill 3-0. In the same game, goalposts were used for the first time.
1878: The trademarked name Vaseline (for a brand of petroleum jelly) was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. ***MARLAR: Have you ever tried petroleum jelly? What flavor is that supposed to be anyway?
1904: The first Olympic games to be held in the U.S. opened in St. Louis.
1936: Walden Cassotto was born in the Bronx. As singer Bobby Darin, his hits were “Splish Splash,” “Dream Lover,” and “Mack the Knife.” His first recording, “Early in the Morning,” was released twice, using the group names the Ding Dongs and the Rinky Dinks.
1969: The last Chevrolet Corvair rolled off the Willow Run assembly line in Ypsilanti, Michigan.
1972: Fourteen years after the Giants left New York, in his first game back as a New York Met, 41-year-old Willie Mays walloped a game-winning home run to beat the Giants 5-4.
1985: The first McDonald’s restaurant — in Des Plaines, IL — became the first museum of the fast-food business. ***MARLAR: In fact, they still have the original burgers under the warmers.
1987: Captain Frank Furillo hung up his badge in a final “Hill Street Blues” episode called “It Ain’t Over Until It’s Over.” Daniel J. Travanti starred. His only other series was “General Hospital.” (audio clip)
1998: NBC-TV aired the final episode of “Seinfeld”. ***MARLAR: And if you remember correctly, it too was about nothing. (audio clip)
1998: Singer Frank Sinatra died in Los Angeles at age 82.
2003: Golfer Vinenzo Frascella in Peterborough, England, finished his round despite being hit by lightening twice within 30 minutes. Lightening struck the 50-year-old golfer’s umbrella tip as he waited during a storm on 14th and 17th holes at Orton Meadows Golf Course. He said he felt tingles down his shoulder and arm both times, but wanted to finish the round. He would not divulge his score, but said it was a “stinker” of a day.
2006: Psychic Uri Geller and two partners bought the Tennessee house Elvis Presley lived in before moving to Graceland, with a winning bid of $905,100 on eBay. The trio hoped to restore the home and turn it into a museum. Presley bought the four-bedroom, two-bath house with an outdoor swimming pool at 1034 Audubon Drive in Memphis in 1956 with a down payment of $500. He lived there for 13 months before moving to Graceland, the now-famous Memphis estate where he died in 1977. During his time in the white, ranch-style house, Presley’s career took off with hits such as “All Shook Up” and “Don’t Be Cruel.”
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1572: Gregory XIII, who reformed the Julian calendar into the calendar used today and celebrated the killing of French Huguenots (Protestants) with a Te Deum (a Latin hymn), is named pope.
1607: Robert Hunt holds the first Anglican service in the New World days after the Virginia Company lands in Jamestown.
1759: Anglican evangelical John Berridge preaches his first outdoor sermon. Outdoor preaching became a prominent feature of his ministry, as it did for George Whitefield, John Wesley, and the early Methodist movement as a whole.
1817: The Marine Bible Society is organized for supplying sailors with Bibles.
1901: Althea Brown, an Afro-American is commissioned to go to Africa as a missionary.
1946: Bishop Jiosofat Kocylowskyj is ordered to leave Poland “voluntarily” for Russia. He refuses. On June 20 he is hauled out of his house, beaten severely and sent to Russia. Other bishops received the same treatment.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The Grudge, Joan on “Joan of Arcadia”) Amber Tamblyn 31 (audio clip)
- actor (Punisher: War Zone, John Q) Keram Malicki-Sanchez 41
- actress (The Aviator as Kathryn Hepburn, Indiana Jones 4, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Lord of the Rings movies) Cate Blanchett 46
- actor (The Incredible Hulk, Thade in Planet of the Apes, Pumpkin/Ringo in Pulp Fiction) Tim Roth 54
- director (Romancing the Stone, Back to the Future, Forest Gump, Contact, Cast Away, The Polar Express) Robert Zemeckis 63
- actress (They Live, Leviathan, The Man In The Iron Mask) Meg Foster 67
- director (Star Wars, Indiana Jones) George Lucas 71
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1916 : Skip Martin
1917 : Norman Luboff
1925 : Al Porcino
1932 : Bob Johnston
1936 : Bobby Darin – born Walden Robert Cassotto
1936 : Charlie Gracie
1943 : Derek Leckenby (Herman’s Hermits)
1944 : Troy Shondell
1945 : Gene Cornish (The Rascals)
1947 : Al Ciner (The American Breed)
1950 : Arthur Grant (Edgar Broughton Band)
1952 : David Byrne (Talking Heads)
1962 : C.C. DeVille (Poison)
1962 : Ian Astbury (The Cult)
1966 : Fabrice Morvan (Milli Vanilli)
1966 : Mike Inez (Alice In Chains)
1966 : Raphael Saadiq (Tony! Toni! Toné!)
1969 : Danny Wood (New Kids on the Block)
1971 : Freaky Tah (Lost Boyz)
1973 : Natalie Appleton (All Saints)
1973 : Shanice
1976 : Hunter Burgan (AFI)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we call those fancy pre-dinner snacks hors d’oeuvres?
If we called them “fancy pre-dinner snacks,” we wouldn’t get to show our savoir faire. And caterers couldn’t charge as much for them. (Wouldn’t it be funny if the French paraded their cosmopolitanism by calling them “fancy pre-dinner snacks?”) But if you can slather it on a cracker, spear it with a toothpick or pick it off a silver platter carried by a server dressed like a penguin, they’re definitely hors d’oeuvres. The phrase comes from architecture, where “outside the work,” the literal translation, meant an outbuilding. The food hors d’oeuvres, by analogy, are outside the main meal. That’s “outbuilding,” by the way, not to be confused with “outhouse,” although I’ve been to some parties where the latter would have been the appropriate culinary comparison.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Another beard life tweet from Kutless member James Mead: The cool thing about breakfast is that I sometimes find it in my beard later.
A unique bit of trivia about Kutless member James Mead. James tweeted: I often talk to myself. Especially when doing homework. Today, I’m speaking in a Scottish accent. Don’t know why. James is currently taking classes at Grand Canyon University.
A suggestion from Colton Dixon. He tweeted Danny Gokey this week proposing a tour together. Colton says they could call it the Mullet and Mohawk tour. Danny response: I’m in!!
This week was the anniversary of Yogi Berra’s birth. In celebration Jonny Diaz shared his favorite Yogi Berra quote: “So crowded no one goes there anymore”.
Jamie Grace: Sometimes I just wanna know what the world be like if puppies could breakdance.
Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: I just got to use my sign language skills to chat with a sweet lady. Instead of “Nice to meet you”, I signed “Nice to date you”.
MercyMe is encouraging caution when purchasing the new Phil Wickham album. Sing Along 3 came out this week and features help from Kari Jobe, Shane and Shane, and Jeremy Riddle. In response, the guys in Mercyme tweeted tongue in cheek: Whatever you do, DON’T buy this album! You cannot handle the happiness that will follow!
Casting Crowns Mark Hall says the shopping cart of a youth pastor can include a unique mixture of items. He this week shared a picture of his shopping cart. It included: 48 rolls of toilet paper, 60 pairs of Socks, 400 rubber bands, 12 quarts of lemon Juice, 15 hoola hoops.
Kevin Max has had a change of heart. He tweeted: Homeschooling- I once made fun of it, now I’m a fully committed supporter.
Plumb says renovations to their home, affectionately called the Hope House, are nearly complete. Tiffany Lee, who goes by Plumb on stage, says they are very close to finishing major renovations to their house. She says they still hope to finish the work this month in honor of the day in May three years ago that she and her husband saw HOPE and decided to begin reconciling their marriage. It was two years ago in May that they were remarried. Plumb says God is SO gracious!
WEIRD & WACKY
|Maine Build-A-Bear gift card thief pleads guilty
AUGUSTA, Maine (AP) — A Maine man has pleaded guilty to breaking into neighbors’ homes and stealing items, including eight Build-a-Bear gift cards intended to be Christmas presents for children. HASH(0x140df80) Investigators say the 30-year-old Lebourdais of Winthrop gave the stolen gift…
|Sea lion pup startles sailor on yacht with snoring, sneezing photo
SAN DIEGO (AP) — A surprising stowaway startled a man out on his boat in San Diego: A sea lion pup who decided to crash in a bunk, waking the owner with his snoring. Michael Duffy, 48, said he was on his 41-foot Kettenburg boat “Elixir” at the San Diego Yacht Club when he awoke at 2:30 a.m….
|94-year-old man finishes college after starting 75 years ago photo
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (AP) — A 94-year-old man will be one of the oldest graduates in the West Virginia University history when he receives his diploma Sunday. The school says in a press release that Anthony Brutto, who studied on and off for 75 years, will be awarded his Regents Bachelor of Arts…
|Man arrested after ‘liking’ mug shot on Facebook posts bond photo
GREAT FALLS, Mont. (AP) — A Montana man who was arrested after “liking” his mug shot on a Crimestoppers Facebook page has posted bond in a felony forgery case. Levi Charles Reardon of Great Falls was arrested on April 24, three weeks after an acquaintance pointed out his picture on the Great…
|Police: Don’t chase bears while drunk and wielding a hatchet
NORTH ADAMS, Mass. (AP) — Police in Massachusetts have some sage advice: Don’t go chasing after bears while drunk and armed with nothing more than a dull hatchet. North Adams police wrote on their Facebook page that someone did just that on Monday. The department noted that the drunken man…
|Student asks girlfriend to prom while jumping out of a plane
POMFRET, Conn. (AP) — A northeastern Connecticut boarding school student has videotaped himself asking his girlfriend to go to prom with him while jumping out of an airplane. HASH(0x13ffc50) Staten jumped out of the plane this month giving the camera a thumbs up in one hand and holding the…
|Officers rescue owl that got injured on California highway photo
SANTA ROSA, Calif. (AP) — An injured owl that couldn’t fly or hop its way out of traffic has been rescued by two California Highway Patrol officers and is recovering. HASH(0x13d74a0) When the call about an injured owl came in around noon Friday, CHP Officer Justin Fetterly says he put on his…
|Elderly man with prostitute under bed loses housing subsidy
NORRISTOWN, Pa. (AP) — Authorities say a man living in a suburban Philadelphia assisted-living facility has lost his housing subsidy after officials found a prostitute underneath his bed. Uri Monson tells The Intelligencer in Doylestown (http://bit.ly/1cpH33U) the man, believed to be in his…
|Consumer culture gone wild: Boar visits Hong Kong mall photo
HONG KONG (AP) — Talk about a consumer culture gone wild. A Hong Kong shopping mall received a visit from a ham-fisted customer on Sunday when a wild boar wandered in and got trapped inside a children’s clothing store. Video aired by local TV stations showed the boar, which had apparently…
|‘Steady trail of macaroni salad’ leads to burglary arrests
MOUNT MORRIS, N.Y. (AP) — Authorities say a trail of macaroni salad leading away from a western New York restaurant helped police track down three burglary suspects. HASH(0x13ef190) Deputies checked out a nearby hiking and biking path, where they found cash register parts, surveillance system…
|Bronze ‘Scary Lucy’ statue to be part of new comedy center photo
CELORON, N.Y. (AP) — A statue of Lucille Ball in her western New York hometown may not be very flattering, but it sure is funny. The “Scary Lucy” statue has made enough people laugh to earn a spot in the new National Comedy Center breaking ground soon. Chairman Tom Benson says the center will…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|INSIDE WASHINGTON: No fallout for congressional health plan photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — If the Supreme Court rules the way most Republicans want in the latest health overhaul case, GOP lawmakers who now have insurance coverage under President Barack Obama’s law may wind up with some explaining to do. Members of Congress, staffers and dependents actually get…
|Report: Binge drinking by young people is increasing
PARIS (AP) — Alcohol consumption in wealthy, developed countries has declined over the past two decades but dangerous binge drinking has increased among the young, according to a new study released Tuesday. The 34-nation Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development says average…
|FDA panel backs Vertex combination pill for cystic fibrosis
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health advisers on Tuesday recommended approval for an experimental combination drug to treat cystic fibrosis, despite unresolved questions about the benefit of one of the pill’s two ingredients. Vertex Pharmaceuticals has asked the Food and Drug Administration to…
|Nurse in Italy tests positive for Ebola; was in Sierra Leone
ROME (AP) — Italy’s health ministry says a nurse who came to Italy from Sierra Leone last week has tested positive for the Ebola virus. The ministry said a blood sample was sent to Rome for testing Tuesday from Sardinia, where the nurse had arrived on May 8. The nurse, who wasn’t identified…
|New blood tests, liquid biopsies, may transform cancer care photo
A new type of blood test is starting to transform cancer treatment, sparing some patients the surgical and needle biopsies long needed to guide their care. The tests, called liquid biopsies, capture cancer cells or DNA that tumors shed into the blood, instead of taking tissue from the tumor itself….
|Feds close insurance loopholes on preventive care photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — From contraception to colonoscopies, the Obama administration Monday closed a series of insurance loopholes on coverage of preventive care. The department of Health and Human Services said insurers must cover at least one birth control option under each of 18 methods…
|Exoskeleton that helps paralyzed walk faces barrier in Japan photo
ATSUGI, Japan (AP) — Yuichi Imahata’s 9-year-old daughter is thrilled her dad stands tall above her head. It’s an experience that is new to her. Imahata, 31, has been using a wheelchair to get around for seven years after a serious spinal-cord injury suffered in an accidental fall while…
|AP-GfK Poll: Doubts on court’s fairness in health law case photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Many people in the United States doubt that the Supreme Court can rule fairly in the latest litigation jeopardizing President Barack Obama’s health care law. The Associated Press-GfK poll finds only 1 person in 10 is highly confident that the justices will rely on objective…
|Panel calls for change at WHO after slow response to Ebola photo
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — An independent panel of experts said Monday that “deep and substantial” change is needed at the World Health Organization following its slow response to early warnings about West Africa’s Ebola outbreak. After studying what went wrong in the WHO’s response to the Ebola…
|House GOP abortion bill requires docs to help fetus survive
WASHINGTON (AP) — Doctors performing late-term abortions would be required to take steps to give the fetus the best chance of survival, according to a Republican bill the House plans to debate this week. The legislation requires that if the fetus seems capable of surviving outside the womb, a…
|Ohio asks neighboring states to help fight Lake Erie’s algae photo
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) — Pollutants feeding the toxic algae blooms that have been turning parts of western Lake Erie green and contaminating drinking water in recent summers aren’t just coming from Ohio. They’re flowing into the lake from farm fields in Michigan and Indiana, leaky septic tanks in…
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
If you’ve ever had the nagging suspicion that all of the four and five-star reviews on Amazon are too good to be true, well, you’d be right. And the Seattle-based retailer is finally doing something about it. Last week, Amazon filed a lawsuit in Seattle’s King County Superior Court, accusing several sites of posting phony favorable reviews in exchange for payment of $19 to $22 apiece. The suit accuses the sites of trademark infringement, false advertising and other violations. ***You mean, people LIE on the internet? To make themselves look better? I thought that only happened on Facebook! And Twitter… and Instagram… and Pinterest… and…
A Washington state man reportedly robbed a Subway restaurant recently, stuffing the stolen cash into a sack he marked with a dollar sign (“$”). ***And threatened the restaurant workers by holding a lighter to a piece of string glued to a bowling ball.
From Florida comes news of 69-year-old John Arthur Benedict, who was arrested after cops say he tailed and then pulled over a pair of undercover detectives while impersonating an officer. The actual officers drove a white, unmarked SUV that Benedict later claimed he saw speeding. Police say that the fake cop drove a Crown Victoria with strobe lights and a “police interceptor” emblem on it. ***Sure, he was breaking the law, but in some ways he’s also a hero. How many of us have seen police cruisers completely obliterating the speed limit in non-emergency situations, and wish we could pull them over and give them a ticket? This guy is doing that.
About 5,500 more people could survive a major tsunami hitting the Pacific Northwest if they just walk a little faster to higher ground after roads are knocked out, a new study shows. ***In other news, people who drove faster got to their destination more quickly, and people who ate less lost more weight.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Scientists have developed an “off-switch” for the brain to effectively shut down neural activity using light pulses. *** So… they’ve invented TV?
The new trend for funerals is to pose the deceased in lifelike ways at the viewing, like sitting up watching sports highlights. ***MARLAR: When I die I plan to be posed in front of a TV watching a Cubs game – I’m usually unconscious during those anyway.
A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that people with bigger brains are smarter than people with small brains. ***MARLAR: Boy – it’s amazing what students and scientists will rationalize as “important research” nowadays, isn’t it?
According to USA Today, airline pilots are choosing their words more carefully. When speaking to passengers, pilots say “we are experiencing bumpy air” instead of turbulence, “rain showers” instead of thunderstorms and “gate” instead of “terminal,” which people associate with death. Additionally, flights are not late but “delayed.” ***MARLAR: And your bags weren’t broken into by the baggage handlers, but merely “quality inspected inside and out”.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Hi Hi Bye Bye”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Anita Renfroe, “Momsense Song”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated and angry because, after spending so many long hours creating a great classical piece of music, he found Gruffy Bear listening to the very same song… composed by Millard’s arch nemesis, Mozart!
CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really is quite a guy! What could Millard possibly come up with to show up such an obviously talented person? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 16/17, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were worried about not being able to get enough done in the day. They held seminars on time-management, made lists of things to do, tried to prioritize their chores in order of importance – they even got up an hour earlier each day just to have more time… but that wasn’t working either, because they just found more they had to do!
CLOSE: So now the animals are so busy that can’t even find a single day off to spend time together! How busy can animals get? We’ll find out how busy next time – As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Ever wondered what would happen if you stole money from your neighbors’ mailbox?
A Los Angeles woman recently stole an envelope from her neighbors’ mailbox, Horacio Lasam, and the envelope contained a check to the neighbors’ credit card company in the amount of $20. The thieving woman then altered Mr. Lasam’s check to show it was written in the amount of $675 instead, and payable to herself. It’s a typical check-washing scheme… but the woman made one mistake. She took Mr. Lasam’s check to the wrong bank to cash it… and to the wrong teller. The teller was Mr. Lasam himself.
TOP TEN REASONS I STOPPED ATTENDING FOOTBALL GAMES
- Every time I went, they asked me for money.
- The people sitting next to me didn’t seem very friendly.
- The seats were too hard.
- The coach never came to call on me.
- The referee made a decision I disagreed with.
- Some of the games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
- The band played songs I didn’t like.
- My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
- I don’t want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.
- Since I read a book about football, I know more than the coaches, anyhow.
(Oh, wait a minute… I’m sorry, this was the top ten list for why I stopped attending church. Sorry, my mistake.)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
One of Tennessee’s most wanted fugitives is now in custody.
FILE #1: Joel Blanton might be a free man today had he planned his escape a little more thoughtfully. Blanton ingeniously installed a trap door in his trailer in the event authorities paid him a visit. However, when John Law came knocking, Blanton got stuck underneath the house and is now stuck in jail.
FILE #2: Two thieves in Hong Kong were left seeing red after they attempted to make a getaway after they robbed a jewelry store. The two had just stolen $65,000 worth of jewels and hailed a taxi in an attempt to escape. Quickly a huge car chase between the police and the taxi ensued. But ten minutes into the chase, officers switched 10 sets of traffic lights to red to slow down their escape. The crooks jumped out of the taxi at one of the red lights and tried to getaway on foot, but were quickly caught and arrested. ***MARLAR: So let me get this straight: These guys have no problem when it comes to robbing stores, but suddenly develop a conscience when it comes to running red lights?!
FILE #3: Some airport workers called police – to report an FBI agent! Okay, so it was a FAKE FBI agent… he started nosing around Skyhaven Airport in Rochester, New Hampshire, asking questions about security. According to police, a man wearing a jacket that said “FBI Anti-Terrorism” showed up at the airport, but airport workers were immediately suspicious because the man couldn’t produce proper ID… and was wearing flip-flops.
STRANGE LAW: In Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Planning on committing a crime? Be sure your cell phone isn’t dialed into the police department when speaking of your plans!
No doubt you’re familiar with the button that many cell phones have that automatically dials 911 when pushed. Well, one man’s cell phone had that option and that’s what got him and his pal into trouble. Leshawn Davis and Tony Palmer were sitting around their apartment discussing in detail their plans to rob a nearby Taco Bell. Sometime during the conversation the 911 button was hit and the cops heard about 20 minutes of them planning their heist. They then decided to head to a nearby music store, where officers tracked them down and found them carrying marijuana and the cell phone, still connected to 911. They’ve been arrested.
All of us have either been on one or set someone up for one… blind dates. Sometimes they result in great relationships, other times they are total nightmares. What’s YOUR blind date horror story?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was the mother of Samuel?
ANSWER: Hannah (1 Samuel 1)
QUESTION: Who authorized the Jews to guard Jesus’ tomb?
ANSWER: Pilate (Matthew 27:65)
There was a man who went one day
On top a Joppa house to pray,
And while he waited for his meat
He dreamed he saw a great big sheet
Let down from heaven, and inside
Fowls and creeping things did ride,
The one who prayed was told to eat,
For God had cleansed this “common” meat.
(Who was he?)
ANSWER: Peter (Acts 10)
QUESTION: Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’
ANSWER: Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Bob Dole is 10 years older than the Empire State Building. (True)
- Bart was the name of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel that he mentioned in one of his most famous speeches. (False, it was Checkers)
- By tradition we can expect eight more weeks of winter if on Groundhog Day, February 2, the groundhog sees its shadow. (False, six more weeks)
- Judy Garland actually changed her name from Joan Grandy. (False, she changed her name from Frances Gumm)
- January is named for Jackie, the god of windows. (False, Janus, the Roman god of doors and gateways)
- In 1999, the National Weather Service first used male names as well as female names to identify hurricanes. (False, 1979)
- Blue sky laws deal with the airlines. (False, Stocks and Bonds)
- The most popular casino table game is Poker. (False, Blackjack)
- “Vodka” mean “Breakfast” in Russian. (False, “Little Water”)
- Roy Rogers’ horse was named Trigger. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ EGG (MARTIAN)
A Martian egg was found inside a meteorite that fell to Earth last year!
Scientists say they finally have proof that there is life on the Red Planet.
Professor Gupta Wickamassa told WWN that the egg was discovered when scientists were examining the inner section of a Martian meteorite that fell into the Arizona desert last year.
Wickamassa said that the rock, which he named Tootie, is rich in carbon and oxygen and stated that it could only have been produced by living organisms.
“This is one of the most exciting moments of my career. We do not know how this egg got into the rocky meteorite, but we are excited by the finding,” said Wickamassa. ”The carbon-rich particles are of uniform sizes and shapes and are not relics of some algal species.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.
One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of baloney. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.
There was still some baloney laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good. Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and fell straight to the ground… splat!
The moral of this story is simple… don’t fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.
Several men are in the locker room of a Golf Club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
A one-month-old baby has been checked and cleared by a Los Angeles hospital after being put through an airport X-ray machine. Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport say an inexperienced traveler mistakenly put her grandson through a carry-on luggage screener. A startled security worker noticed the shape of a child and immediately pulled the baby out. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the x-ray did find the baby’s lost binky.
The sweet tooth trumps all, even in an economic downturn. Americans are shopping for candy even as they pinch pennies other places. Candy land’s big players are seeing a bump in sales with Cadbury, Nestle and Hershey all reporting a rise in profits. ***MARLAR: Of course candy sales are going up – it’s comfort food. Who doesn’t eat a Snickers bar and immediately feel better?
GOT THE TIME?
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies “Sure, which country?”
The fella asks, “How many countries have you got?”
To which the man replies, “All the countries in the world!”
“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”
“That’s nothing,” the man says. “This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”
“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”
“Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”
The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch.” Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, “And here are the batteries.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
HE FELL OFF OF WHAT?!?
What can be worse than falling off of a skyscraper in New York? How about doing it on purpose… twice?
As if jumping off of a building once isn’t crazy enough, a New York postal worker has done it twice. It seems that Donald Mathis loves to parachute off of really tall buildings. Of course, jumping off of skyscrapers is illegal in New York (go figure) so the man has been arrested. Why’d he do it the second time? Because no one noticed it the first time!
A LIFE-SAVING GIFT
I’m convinced that our mental and physical health depends on our attitude toward others and how we treat them. Included in this is forgiveness. In fact, if I could choose the one gift from God that I personally need to have and to give, it would be the gift of forgiveness both for others and for myself (by the way, have you forgiven yourself, dear reader?!).
Maltbie Babcock wrote years ago: “How sure we are of our own forgiveness from God. How certain we are that we are made in His image, when we forgive heartily and out of hand one who has wronged us. Sentimentally we may feel, and lightly we may say, `To err is human, to forgive divine;’ but we never taste the nobility and divinity of forgiving till we forgive and know the victory of forgiveness over our sense of being wronged, over mortified pride and wounded sensibilities. Here we are in living touch with Him who treats us as though nothing had happened — who turns His back upon the past, and bids us journey with Him into goodness and gladness, into newness of life.” Well, God asks that we do the same for others and ourselves.
We all know someone we are reluctant to forgive, for whatever reasons. There’s that bit of pride that hides in the corner of our heart and flashes out to bite us when that certain person digs in with sarcasm and corrodes our self-esteem. After being bitten royally one day — again — I asked myself if someone else had said this same thing, would it have bothered me so much? What a surprise to realize that I wouldn’t have thought once much less twice about it. But it was this person! Why? I still haven’t figured it out!
But it was at that moment I realized that my attitude was wrong, and that I’m only hurting myself, not the other person who probably isn’t even aware of what is happening. So I am learning to treat this person “as though nothing had happened.” And if there is one certainty in life, it is this: love never fails! And it is God who gives us that love to love. What a revelation and relief to finally put aside how I feel and to will a love that only God can give. The great gift is that I truly love this person now!
–Patricia Erwin Nordman, Walking Through the Darkness
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
HE IS A FIRE
Read: Hebrews 12:25-29
Let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is a consuming fire. —Hebrews 12:28-29
A firestorm was raging outside the Australian city. Many people feared that this bushfire would prove to be Sydney’s worst in decades. Fanned by strong winds, high temperatures, and low humidity, the fire jumped across roads and rivers, consuming everything in its path.
When we think about the destructive power of that kind of inferno, we gain a better understanding of the startling words of Hebrews 12:29, “Our God is a consuming fire.”
Why did the author of Hebrews use such graphic imagery to describe the Lord? In his letter he was dealing with spiritual life-and-death issues—what his readers believed and the reality of their faith. Their response would reveal whether they were investing their lives in the kingdom that will last forever, or in the one destined for destruction.
We too need to remember that this world and all we possess are only temporary. If our faith and hope are in Jesus Christ, we are part of a kingdom that cannot be destroyed (v.28). Knowing that our days on earth are numbered and that “our God is a consuming fire,” let us serve Him and invest in things that are imperishable. —Albert Lee
Our God is a consuming fire
And will destroy earth’s temporal things;
He seeks to purify our lives
For service to the King of kings. —D. De Haan
Hold tightly to what is eternal and loosely to what is temporal.
IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
A science experiment goes terribly wrong at one elementary school!
Things went horribly wrong when a solid fuel rocket built by kids for a school science project landed on a house, causing hundreds of thousands of dollars damage. The school’s annual science project was launched from the school’s playing field and sparked a fire after hitting a neighboring property’s
LIFE… LIVE IT
YOUR MAIL IS LYING TO YOU!
The U.S. Postal Department says these are the five biggest fibs told to consumers in junk mail:
- “You are a guaranteed winner” of a valuable prize. Usually you’re asked to pay for something in order to get a prize, which ends up being junk.
- “This chain letter is legal.” But any chain letter that asks for money is illegal.
- “Stuff envelopes at home and earn big money.” The scam works like this: You send money for a “plan”; the plan is that you’re supposed to send letters asking people to send money for a plan.
- “Your humble assistance is highly solicited in transferring millions of dollars, available from the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, to share with your good self. All we need is your bank account number.” The scam is that they always ask for some “good faith” money… then they disappear.
- “You’ve been selected to receive a fabulous vacation.” But after you pay the “one-time membership fee,” you’re stuck with bad vacations and accommodations… or nothing at all.
JUST FOR FUN
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like a group of police officers in bulletproof vests!
11 year old Roland Hopper was recently eating his birthday cake when two armed response cars and a riot van arrived. It seems that the birthday boy was shooting a pellet gun at the neighbor’s home and he was taken into custody and questioned for 2 hours, before being released on bail. The pellet gun was a birthday present from mom and dad, who claim that their son was only firing at a target in the back yard.
NOW THAT I’M OLDER
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but I refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE – I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
FIVE – All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
NINE – I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
TEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
ELEVEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
TWELVE – It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN – Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
FIFTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
THE WAY WE WORK
UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.
There are some deals in life that are simply too good to be true. Unfortunately, I’ve been the victim of a few. Like…a timeshare. I’ll spare you the morbid details.
The “deals” I enjoy most are the TV pitches where the add ons keep getting better and better. If you actually get to the point of determining you can’t live without a cleaning device for between your car seats, the announcer chimes in with the legendary, “But wait!” As it turns out, if you buy now, they’ll give you a second item FREE. And as you reach for the phone…“there’s STILL more!” Oh my.
This week on my talk show, we will have two days devoted to asking for donations to help families in Guatemala and Haiti. The specific request is for $50 as a one-time gift to provide a child with food for a year and clean water for a lifetime. I know, it sounds too good to be true. The ministry is Food for the Poor. (FFTP)
Having traveled with a team of folks from FFTP to Guatemala a few months back, I was able to see the programs they have implemented. I observed a number of women who have devoted their lives to restoring the health of malnourished children. I witnessed school programs where lunch is provided and smiling grade schoolers run around with energy and hope.
The hardest part of the visit was being on site where multiple families live just a few miles from Guatemala City. Getting to their remote location was a challenge in itself. Hearing (through interpreters) how these families manage to survive will soften any hardened heart.
The water problem was too much to take in. That’s because there IS NO running water. Fifty gallon drums of non potable water are filled once a week IF a truck from the city can make it to these remote locations. This water must then be boiled to use for cooking and drinking. The food crisis is equally as challenging. And so along comes Food for the Poor.
Standing in the midst of these families who live in non-climate controlled shacks with corrugated metal roofs, it’s easy to say, “I can make a difference for these people.” We live in a place on this planet where we let clean water run just to get it warm. We water lawns. We often waste clean water in ways we don’t even consider. Thus, the idea of clean water for a child for a lifetime for $50 seems like an offer too good to be true. Oh…let’s not forget this also feeds the child for a year.
The men and women in these countries who aid these very poor do not live in comfort themselves. Their daily work is only to serve. As the director of a nutritional clinic told me through her tears, “Each face I see reminds me of Jesus.”
It makes sense. Jesus said it this way: “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why: I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was homeless and you gave me a room, I was shivering and you gave me clothes, I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.’
“Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ (Matthew 25:34-40/ The Message)
This week my assignment is to to help raise support for 200 children. It’s not a big “ask.” Feed a child for a year. Provide that child clean water for a lifetime. Just a $50 one-time gift.
But wait! There’s more! Also included is a change from hopelessness to hope. From fear to encouragement. From sickness to health. If you’re interested in helping the cause, visit 1160hope.com. You’ll find a banner to click on that says “Give Life.” Pretty simple, huh?
The face of Jesus is waiting.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
IS YOUR CHILD EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU? WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you; it’s not about your outfit, your lipstick, or the way you cheerfully try to liven up the conversation as you chauffeur your youngster and friends around town. It is simply your existence that proclaims to the world that your youngster is not quite as grown up as she would like them to believe.
This does not mean that your kids get to treat you as though you’re the carrier of some contagious disease after you drive them 45 minutes through the snow to a movie. Being a doormat is not the way to go. But whining and begging your child to treat you nicely isn’t going to work, either.
Start by adapting a more amused point of view to the whole thing. If you so much as bob your head to the music on the car radio and your child slumps down in the seat – enjoy it. See the humor in how he thinks you’re uncool, because his being in the car makes him equally as uncool! (You did the same when you were his age, right?)
Set realistic standards for how you and your kids will overlap as they move through this stage and don’t take their judgments of you personally. One day you’ll find yourself rocking out with your youngster as you drive down the road listening to a great tune, both heads bobbing for all the world to see.
Updated every Monday! Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous!
A high school student in Florida was suspended recently for passing around a petition complaining about Confederate symbols at her school.
Krista Adams was angry about tee shirts and bumper stickers around campus with such slogans as “If I had known this, I would have picked my own cotton.” Krista wrote a flier critical of the displays and handed it out around school. Then she passed around a petition urging that the rebel flag be banned from the campus. She got 94 people to sign it. For that, she was suspended for 10 days. The school said it was for distributing unauthorized material on school grounds. ***MARLAR: Yeah, you can’t be spreading free speech around – that could be dangerous!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.
A 21-year-old video game designer has created a video game in which players see through the eyes of someone with Alzheimer’s. According to Relevant Magazine, Alexander Tarvet presented his game as his final project at a digital art show put on by Abertay University in Scotland. Tarvet wants to use his game to raise awareness for the disease. The game puts the player in a foggy room, where they can examine the pictures and personal items around the room to try to make sense of where and who they are. In a press release, Tarvet said this gives players “an immediate sense of the confusion the character feels.” http://relm.ag/1K2NKaD
Phased retirement is becoming the new job exit strategy. According to the Huffington Post, studies show that many older workers today plan on staying on the job beyond the traditional retirement age. With increasing life expectancy and worries about outliving their savings, many people are finding that a 20+ year retirement without work is practical, desirable or even affordable. A Merrill Lynch-Age Wave study found that 72 percent of pre-retirees over age 50 say their ideal retirement will include paid employment in some shape or form. http://huff.to/1K3dILb
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 08, 2015…
Hot Pursuit—Reese Witherspoon is a police officer and rather soft at heart. She is supposed to protect Sofia Vergara (former wife of a crook) from bad guys. Trouble is, everyone wants Sofia and the two go on the run (remember the team of Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock who were both police officers), and this buddy-picture continues. The cast includes Richard I. Jones and Michael Mosley. “Hot Pursuit” is rated PG 13. No rating and go back and see “Wild” again.
Lambert & Stamp (opening in select cities)—Documentary directed by James D. Cooper. It is about early filmmakers Chris Stamp and Kit Lambert finding things for their rock movie, and in doing so, discovered and worked with the rock group, The Who. “Lambert & Stamp” is not rated. Of interest to rock fans.
The D Train—Jack Black decides to plan the 20th class reunion. How to get people to attend? He asks the guy (James Marsden) who was the most popular man in the class at that time, to attend and help. Things don’t always go as planned in this comedy Also in the cast is Jeffrey Tambor. “The D Train” is rated R. No rating.
Dior and I (opening in select cities)—A documentary about Raf Simons, who with eight weeks to go, took over the reins of the House of Dior and was expected to put on a Haute Couture fashion show. Talk about stress! Besides Simons, there is Anna Wintour, and movie stars Jennifer Lawrence and Sharon Stone. “Dior and I” is not rated. Rating of 2 for fashion fans.
I Am Big Bird (opening in select cities)—Documentary about the man (Caroll Spinney) who has played the popular Sesame Street character from the first day. Yes, he is over 80 years old and still going strong. What stories to tell. Guest appearances are by Bill Henson and Frank Oz, plus directed by Dave LaMattina and Chad Walker. “I Am Big Bird” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.
MAY 15, 2015…
Pitch Perfect 2 follows the exploits of the Bellas as they try to win yet another music competition. Stars Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson
Mad Max: Fury Road takes us back to the “Mad Max” era and this time Tom Hardy has the Max role with Charlize Theron as a friend and Nicholas Hoult as the enemy.
Animals (opening in select cities) is a film about drug addiction and stars David Dastmalchian and Kim Shaw.
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