May 14, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160514

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m not really a pet person so I’m not sure – but my pet rock looks stoned.  Should I be concerned?

 

I just can’t seem to find any motivation today.  I must be out of it.  I’ll pick some up at the store later – if I can find enough motivation to go.  #Catch22

 

(THE JOCK SHOW) will air in just a moment — and believe me, it could stand an airing.

 

Never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why stop there? Why not 9? Why not 10. Strive for greatness.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  — 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. — Psalm 108:3

 

Thought: Songs go where evangelism, witnessing, and planned outreach sometimes cannot go. Songs tell a story, offer praise, and deliver truth in a package that opens the heart and stirs the emotions. Songs give life to the soul and stir something primal, buried deep inside by God. When you are around friends you are trying to reach with the Gospel, listen for the kind of music they like. Then when the time is right, point them to songs that share the message of the Gospel with a melody and beat that can stir their hearts. God wants us to praise him, not just in our sanctuaries and churches, but with our friends and across cultures. He wants us to sing in ways that help other people know the “heart song” of our Redeemer’s love.

 

Prayer: Almighty God and righteous Father, thank you so much for the gift of song. Thank you for lyricists that capture the mood of our hearts and the word of your grace and help move others closer to faith. Please bless all those involved in bringing Christian songs to the public and making your Word more understandable to the masses. Empower singing in your Church, and help us to sing of your salvation in ways that reach all peoples on the earth. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 John 5:14 NIV = This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 14, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 224 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

This is KIWANIS PRAYER WEEK. ***MARLAR: This week, of course, is when all of the world’s Kiwaninites take the week to pray to their God Kiwanil, the God of… of uh… Kiwi. Okay, maybe I should start doing some research on these holidays, you think? (Actually, Kiwanis is an organization that supports young adults and children around the world.)

 

Today is NATIONAL DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN DAY.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, the “Chicken Dance” is remarkably similar to the mating dance of the Kiwi bird.

 

Today is UNDERGROUND AMERICA DAY. Malcolm Wells of Brewster, Massachusetts, wants everyone to think about designing and building stuff underground.  ***MARLAR: And after this weird holidays report, I’m thinking I’ll be spending quite a bit of time there.  Underground, that is.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

American Indian Day

Armed Forces Day

Bereaved Mother’s Day

Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day

International Migratory Bird Day

Letter Carrier’s Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day

Morel Mushroom Day

National Archery Day

National Chicken Dance Day

National Miniature Golf Day

National Train Day

National Windmill Day

Spring Astronomy Day

Stay Up All Night

Stars And Stripes Forever Day

Underground America Day

World Belly Dance Day

World Fair Trade Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MAY 15

Bay to Breakers Race (Oldest Footrace in America)

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day

International Day of Families

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

International MPS Awareness Day

National Slider Day

National Tuberous Sclerosis Day

Nylon Stockings Day

Peace Officer Memorial Day

Straw Hat Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 16

Accounting Day

Biographer’s Day

Mimosa Day

National Piercing Day

National Sea Monkey Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 17

World Hypertension Day

World Information Society Day

World Telecommunications Day

World Neurofibromatosis Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18

Buy a Musical Instrument Day

EMSC (Emergency Medical Services) Day

HIV Vaccine Awareness Day

I Love Reeses Day

International Museum Day

Mother Whistler Day

National Employee Health & Fitness Day

National Museum Day

Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

Visit Your Relatives Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day

Hummus Day

May Ray Day

National Scooter Day

National Hepatitis Testing Day

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

 

FRIDAY, MAY 20

Eliza Doolittle Day

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

Endangered Species Day

International Virtual Assistants Day

O Henry Pun-of Day

NASCAR Day

National Bike To Work Day

National Defense Transportation Day

National Pizza Party Day

Weights & Measures Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day

Armed Forces Day

Day of Vesak

Do Dah Day

End of the World (Rapture Party Day)

I Need a Patch For That Day

National Learn to Swim Day

National Heritage Breeds Day

National Wait Staff Day

Preakness

Sister Maria Hummel Day

World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

Victoria Day

 

SUNDAY, MAY 22

Canadian Immigrants Day

Harvey Milk Day

Neighbor Day

International Day for Biological Diversity

National Maritime Day

U.S. Colored Troops Day

World Goth Day

 

MONDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1804: The Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory left St. Louis.

 

1856: U.S. Secretary of War Jefferson Davis brought the first camels to America to test as military pack animals. The project was abandoned because the camels wouldn’t follow orders and they stank. ***MARLAR: That’s weird – those are the same reasons they gave me when I tried to enlist.

 

1874: Harvard became the first to charge admission to a football game at Cambridge, Massachusetts, beating Canada’s McGill 3-0. In the same game, goalposts were used for the first time.

 

1878: The trademarked name Vaseline (for a brand of petroleum jelly) was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. ***MARLAR: Have you ever tried petroleum jelly?  What flavor is that supposed to be anyway?

 

1904: The first Olympic games to be held in the U.S. opened in St. Louis.

 

1936: Walden Cassotto was born in the Bronx. As singer Bobby Darin, his hits were “Splish Splash,” “Dream Lover,” and “Mack the Knife.” His first recording, “Early in the Morning,” was released twice, using the group names the Ding Dongs and the Rinky Dinks.

 

1969: The last Chevrolet Corvair rolled off the Willow Run assembly line in Ypsilanti, Michigan.

 

1972: Fourteen years after the Giants left New York, in his first game back as a New York Met, 41-year-old Willie Mays walloped a game-winning home run to beat the Giants 5-4.

 

1985: The first McDonald’s restaurant — in Des Plaines, IL — became the first museum of the fast-food business. ***MARLAR: In fact, they still have the original burgers under the warmers.

 

1987: Captain Frank Furillo hung up his badge in a final “Hill Street Blues” episode called “It Ain’t Over Until It’s Over.” Daniel J. Travanti starred. His only other series was “General Hospital.” (audio clip)

 

1998: NBC-TV aired the final episode of “Seinfeld”.  ***MARLAR: And if you remember correctly, it too was about nothing. (audio clip)

 

1998: Singer Frank Sinatra died in Los Angeles at age 82.

 

2003: Golfer Vinenzo Frascella in Peterborough, England, finished his round despite being hit by lightening twice within 30 minutes. Lightening struck the 50-year-old golfer’s umbrella tip as he waited during a storm on 14th and 17th holes at Orton Meadows Golf Course. He said he felt tingles down his shoulder and arm both times, but wanted to finish the round. He would not divulge his score, but said it was a “stinker” of a day.

 

2006: Psychic Uri Geller and two partners bought the Tennessee house Elvis Presley lived in before moving to Graceland, with a winning bid of $905,100 on eBay. The trio hoped to restore the home and turn it into a museum. Presley bought the four-bedroom, two-bath house with an outdoor swimming pool at 1034 Audubon Drive in Memphis in 1956 with a down payment of $500. He lived there for 13 months before moving to Graceland, the now-famous Memphis estate where he died in 1977. During his time in the white, ranch-style house, Presley’s career took off with hits such as “All Shook Up” and “Don’t Be Cruel.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1572: Gregory XIII, who reformed the Julian calendar into the calendar used today and celebrated the killing of French Huguenots (Protestants) with a Te Deum (a Latin hymn), is named pope.

 

1607: Robert Hunt holds the first Anglican service in the New World days after the Virginia Company lands in Jamestown.

 

1759: Anglican evangelical John Berridge preaches his first outdoor sermon. Outdoor preaching became a prominent feature of his ministry, as it did for George Whitefield, John Wesley, and the early Methodist movement as a whole.

 

1817: The Marine Bible Society is organized for supplying sailors with Bibles.

 

1901: Althea Brown, an Afro-American is commissioned to go to Africa as a missionary.

 

1946: Bishop Jiosofat Kocylowskyj is ordered to leave Poland “voluntarily” for Russia. He refuses. On June 20 he is hauled out of his house, beaten severely and sent to Russia. Other bishops received the same treatment.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The Grudge, Joan on “Joan of Arcadia”) Amber Tamblyn 32 (audio clip)
  • actor (Punisher: War Zone, John Q) Keram Malicki-Sanchez 42
  • actress (The Aviator as Kathryn Hepburn, Indiana Jones 4, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Lord of the Rings movies) Cate Blanchett 47
  • actor (The Incredible Hulk, Thade in Planet of the Apes, Pumpkin/Ringo in Pulp Fiction) Tim Roth 55
  • director (Romancing the Stone, Back to the Future, Forest Gump, Contact, Cast Away, The Polar Express) Robert Zemeckis 64
  • actress (They Live, Leviathan, The Man In The Iron Mask) Meg Foster 68
  • director (Star Wars, Indiana Jones) George Lucas 72

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1916 : Skip Martin

1917 : Norman Luboff

1925 : Al Porcino

1932 : Bob Johnston

1936 : Bobby Darin – born Walden Robert Cassotto

1936 : Charlie Gracie

1943 : Jack Bruce (Cream, Manfred Mann, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers)

1943 : Derek Leckenby (Herman’s Hermits)

1944 : Troy Shondell

1945 : Gene Cornish (The Rascals)

1947 : Al Ciner (The American Breed)

1950 : Arthur Grant (Edgar Broughton Band)

1952 : David Byrne (Talking Heads)

1962 : C.C. DeVille (Poison)

1962 : Ian Astbury (The Cult)

1966 : Fabrice Morvan (Milli Vanilli)

1966 : Mike Inez (Alice In Chains)

1966 : Raphael Saadiq (Tony! Toni! Toné!)

1969 : Danny Wood (New Kids on the Block)

1971 : Freaky Tah (Lost Boyz)

1973 : Natalie Appleton (All Saints)

1973 : Shanice

1976 : Hunter Burgan (AFI)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call those fancy pre-dinner snacks hors d’oeuvres?

If we called them “fancy pre-dinner snacks,” we wouldn’t get to show our savoir faire. And caterers couldn’t charge as much for them. (Wouldn’t it be funny if the French paraded their cosmopolitanism by calling them “fancy pre-dinner snacks?”) But if you can slather it on a cracker, spear it with a toothpick or pick it off a silver platter carried by a server dressed like a penguin, they’re definitely hors d’oeuvres. The phrase comes from architecture, where “outside the work,” the literal translation, meant an outbuilding. The food hors d’oeuvres, by analogy, are outside the main meal. That’s “outbuilding,” by the way, not to be confused with “outhouse,” although I’ve been to some parties where the latter would have been the appropriate culinary comparison.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Good advice from Jonny Diaz: When it comes to relationships…draw a circle around yourself, and work on everyone in that circle.

 

Casting Crowns Bass player Chris Huffman is continuing a tour tradition at home. He posted: Traditionally, Fridays are pizza night on the road with Casting Crowns, Friday nights at home are no different in that same tradition.

 

You may be able to relate to Kerrie Roberts. She posted: I own approximately 25 hot glue guns. I never know where they are and they only cost $4. Who’s with me?

 

A prayer for today from Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard: God let me live more selflessly, serving those in my life better, and tirelessly doing the work You set before me.

 

Just how dedicated is Blanca? She posted: Just spent 20 min in a chick-fil-a drive through line…That’s commitment. PS: I have a 2 year old in the back seat.

 

Kerrie Roberts is enjoying motherhood. She posted: I’ve had the privilege of singing around the world. I’ve sung in stadiums, to small churches, festivals, back yards and living rooms. BUT there are NO WORDS to describe what it’s like for me to sing my sweet sweet girl to sleep. I’m so thankful. Life is beautiful in this moment.

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo is a self described portion control freak. He posted a picture of the calorie count from the back of a bag of popcorn and added…here’s my problem: is 2 cups of popcorn just when you scoop it out or can I just crush it into the cup with a mallet and then eat them one at a time?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BE66AucTCEx/

 

A suggestion from Jamie Grace…I wish there was a way I could favorite certain Uber drivers and have the choice to use them again! Just had the nicest driver!

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is a big fan of bacon wrapped dates. After former Sanctus Real front man Matt Hammitt tweeted his skepticism about the new treat, Jon replied: have you not had bacon wrapped dates? They are amazing.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Slow Children”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Drunk Proposal”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Millard the Monkey discovered, quite by accident, that dropping a coconut on your head – while painful – also gives a mild, pleasant, buzz sensation.  So Millard kept dropping a coconut on his head.  Again, and again, and again!  Let’s find out what happens, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Should Sully try clunking just because the other animals are doing it?  And just because everyone is doing it, does that necessarily make it okay?  Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 14/15

 

OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, all of the jungle animals – and even the musical instruments, wouldn’t cooperate with each other at all.  Everybody insisted on doing their own solos.  It got so bad, and so noisy, that Cheetah Bonita (the one who started this whole mess) had to find some peace and quiet – and ran into a bunch of squirrels who were NOT happy with her at all…

 

CLOSE: Who’d have thought that wanting to be a soloist would keep you out of the land of milk and honey?  And what about Racquet – what does badminton have to do with all of this?  We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever wondered what would happen if you stole money from your neighbors’ mailbox? 

A Los Angeles woman recently stole an envelope from her neighbors’ mailbox, Horacio Lasam, and the envelope contained a check to the neighbors’ credit card company in the amount of $20.  The thieving woman then altered Mr. Lasam’s check to show it was written in the amount of $675 instead, and payable to herself.  It’s a typical check-washing scheme… but the woman made one mistake.  She took Mr. Lasam’s check to the wrong bank to cash it… and to the wrong teller.  The teller was Mr. Lasam himself.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS I STOPPED ATTENDING FOOTBALL GAMES

  1. Every time I went, they asked me for money.
  2. The people sitting next to me didn’t seem very friendly.
  3. The seats were too hard.
  4. The coach never came to call on me.
  5. The referee made a decision I disagreed with.
  6. Some of the games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
  7. The band played songs I didn’t like.
  8. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
  9. I don’t want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.
  10. Since I read a book about football, I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

(Oh, wait a minute… I’m sorry, this was the top ten list for why I stopped attending church.  Sorry, my mistake.)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

One of Tennessee’s most wanted fugitives is now in custody.

 

FILE #1: Joel Blanton might be a free man today had he planned his escape a little more thoughtfully. Blanton ingeniously installed a trap door in his trailer in the event authorities paid him a visit. However, when John Law came knocking, Blanton got stuck underneath the house and is now stuck in jail.

 

FILE #2: Two thieves in Hong Kong were left seeing red after they attempted to make a getaway after they robbed a jewelry store. The two had just stolen $65,000 worth of jewels and hailed a taxi in an attempt to escape. Quickly a huge car chase between the police and the taxi ensued. But ten minutes into the chase, officers switched 10 sets of traffic lights to red to slow down their escape. The crooks jumped out of the taxi at one of the red lights and tried to getaway on foot, but were quickly caught and arrested. ***MARLAR: So let me get this straight: These guys have no problem when it comes to robbing stores, but suddenly develop a conscience when it comes to running red lights?!

 

FILE #3: Some airport workers called police – to report an FBI agent!  Okay, so it was a FAKE FBI agent… he started nosing around Skyhaven Airport in Rochester, New Hampshire, asking questions about security. According to police, a man wearing a jacket that said “FBI Anti-Terrorism” showed up at the airport, but airport workers were immediately suspicious because the man couldn’t produce proper ID… and was wearing flip-flops.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Planning on committing a crime? Be sure your cell phone isn’t dialed into the police department when speaking of your plans!

No doubt you’re familiar with the button that many cell phones have that automatically dials 911 when pushed. Well, one man’s cell phone had that option and that’s what got him and his pal into trouble. Leshawn Davis and Tony Palmer were sitting around their apartment discussing in detail their plans to rob a nearby Taco Bell. Sometime during the conversation the 911 button was hit and the cops heard about 20 minutes of them planning their heist. They then decided to head to a nearby music store, where officers tracked them down and found them carrying marijuana and the cell phone, still connected to 911. They’ve been arrested.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

All of us have either been on one or set someone up for one… blind dates.  Sometimes they result in great relationships, other times they are total nightmares.  What’s YOUR blind date horror story?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the mother of Samuel?

ANSWER: Hannah (1 Samuel 1)

 

QUESTION: Who authorized the Jews to guard Jesus’ tomb?

ANSWER: Pilate (Matthew 27:65)

 

 

QUESTION:

There was a man who went one day
On top a Joppa house to pray,
And while he waited for his meat
He dreamed he saw a great big sheet
Let down from heaven, and inside
Fowls and creeping things did ride,
The one who prayed was told to eat,
For God had cleansed this “common” meat.

(Who was he?)

ANSWER: Peter (Acts 10)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

ANSWER: Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Bob Dole is 10 years older than the Empire State Building. (True)

 

  1. Bart was the name of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel that he mentioned in one of his most famous speeches. (False, it was Checkers)

 

  1. By tradition we can expect eight more weeks of winter if on Groundhog Day, February 2, the groundhog sees its shadow. (False, six more weeks)

 

  1. Judy Garland actually changed her name from Joan Grandy. (False, she changed her name from Frances Gumm)

 

  1. January is named for Jackie, the god of windows. (False, Janus, the Roman god of doors and gateways)

 

  1. In 1999, the National Weather Service first used male names as well as female names to identify hurricanes. (False, 1979)

 

  1. Blue sky laws deal with the airlines. (False, Stocks and Bonds)

 

  1. The most popular casino table game is Poker. (False, Blackjack)

 

  1. “Vodka” mean “Breakfast” in Russian. (False, “Little Water”)

 

  1. Roy Rogers’ horse was named Trigger. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ EGG (MARTIAN)

A Martian egg was found inside a meteorite that fell to Earth last year!

Scientists say they finally have proof that there is life on the Red Planet.

Professor Gupta Wickamassa told WWN that the egg was discovered when scientists were examining the inner section of a Martian meteorite that fell into the Arizona desert last year.

Wickamassa said that the rock, which he named Tootie, is rich in carbon and oxygen and stated that it could only have been produced by living organisms.

“This is one of the most exciting moments of  my career.  We do not know how this egg got into the rocky meteorite, but we are excited by the finding,” said Wickamassa.  ”The carbon-rich particles are of uniform sizes and shapes and are not relics of some algal species.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard.  He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk.  He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on.  But he missed a piece of baloney. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry.  So he flew down and started eating the bologna.  In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some baloney laying there on the sidewalk.  He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.  Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney.  But alas he was too full to fly and fell straight to the ground… splat!

The moral of this story is simple… don’t fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

 

JOKE #2

Several men are in the locker room of a Golf Club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man:  “Hello”.

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

 

JOKE #3

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A one-month-old baby has been checked and cleared by a Los Angeles hospital after being put through an airport X-ray machine.  Authorities at Los Angeles International Airport say an inexperienced traveler mistakenly put her grandson through a carry-on luggage screener.  A startled security worker noticed the shape of a child and immediately pulled the baby out.  ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the x-ray did find the baby’s lost binky.

 

The sweet tooth trumps all, even in an economic downturn. Americans are shopping for candy even as they pinch pennies other places. Candy land’s big players are seeing a bump in sales with Cadbury, Nestle and Hershey all reporting a rise in profits. ***MARLAR: Of course candy sales are going up – it’s comfort food.  Who doesn’t eat a Snickers bar and immediately feel better?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOT THE TIME?

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies “Sure, which country?”

The fella asks, “How many countries have you got?”

To which the man replies, “All the countries in the world!”

“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”

“That’s nothing,” the man says. “This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”

“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”

“Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”

The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch.” Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, “And here are the batteries.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HE FELL OFF OF WHAT?!?

What can be worse than falling off of a skyscraper in New York? How about doing it on purpose… twice?

As if jumping off of a building once isn’t crazy enough, a New York postal worker has done it twice. It seems that Donald Mathis loves to parachute off of really tall buildings. Of course, jumping off of skyscrapers is illegal in New York (go figure) so the man has been arrested. Why’d he do it the second time? Because no one noticed it the first time!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A LIFE-SAVING GIFT

I’m convinced that our mental and physical health depends on our attitude toward others and how we treat them. Included in this is forgiveness. In fact, if I could choose the one gift from God that I personally need to have and to give, it would be the gift of forgiveness both for others and for myself (by the way, have you forgiven yourself, dear reader?!).

Maltbie Babcock wrote years ago: “How sure we are of our own forgiveness from God. How certain we are that we are made in His image, when we forgive heartily and out of hand one who has wronged us. Sentimentally we may feel, and lightly we may say, `To err is human, to forgive divine;’ but we never taste the nobility and divinity of forgiving till we forgive and know the victory of forgiveness over our sense of being wronged, over mortified pride and wounded sensibilities. Here we are in living touch with Him who treats us as though nothing had happened — who turns His back upon the past, and bids us journey with Him into goodness and gladness, into newness of life.” Well, God asks that we do the same for others and ourselves.

We all know someone we are reluctant to forgive, for whatever reasons. There’s that bit of pride that hides in the corner of our heart and flashes out to bite us when that certain person digs in with sarcasm and corrodes our self-esteem. After being bitten royally one day — again — I asked myself if someone else had said this same thing, would it have bothered me so much? What a surprise to realize that I wouldn’t have thought once much less twice about it. But it was this person! Why? I still haven’t figured it out!

But it was at that moment I realized that my attitude was wrong, and that I’m only hurting myself, not the other person who probably isn’t even aware of what is happening. So I am learning to treat this person “as though nothing had happened.” And if there is one certainty in life, it is this: love never fails! And it is God who gives us that love to love. What a revelation and relief to finally put aside how I feel and to will a love that only God can give. The great gift is that I truly love this person now!

–Patricia Erwin Nordman, Walking Through the Darkness

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HE IS A FIRE

Read: Hebrews 12:25-29

Let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is a consuming fire. —Hebrews 12:28-29

A firestorm was raging outside the Australian city. Many people feared that this bushfire would prove to be Sydney’s worst in decades. Fanned by strong winds, high temperatures, and low humidity, the fire jumped across roads and rivers, consuming everything in its path.

When we think about the destructive power of that kind of inferno, we gain a better understanding of the startling words of Hebrews 12:29, “Our God is a consuming fire.”

Why did the author of Hebrews use such graphic imagery to describe the Lord? In his letter he was dealing with spiritual life-and-death issues—what his readers believed and the reality of their faith. Their response would reveal whether they were investing their lives in the kingdom that will last forever, or in the one destined for destruction.

We too need to remember that this world and all we possess are only temporary. If our faith and hope are in Jesus Christ, we are part of a kingdom that cannot be destroyed (v.28). Knowing that our days on earth are numbered and that “our God is a consuming fire,” let us serve Him and invest in things that are imperishable. —Albert Lee

 

Our God is a consuming fire
And will destroy earth’s temporal things;
He seeks to purify our lives
For service to the King of kings. —D. De Haan

 

Hold tightly to what is eternal and loosely to what is temporal.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE

A science experiment goes terribly wrong at one elementary school!

Things went horribly wrong when a solid fuel rocket built by kids for a school science project landed on a house, causing hundreds of thousands of dollars damage. The school’s annual science project was launched from the school’s playing field and sparked a fire after hitting a neighboring property’s

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

YOUR MAIL IS LYING TO YOU!

The U.S. Postal Department says these are the five biggest fibs told to consumers in junk mail:

  1. “You are a guaranteed winner” of a valuable prize. Usually you’re asked to pay for something in order to get a prize, which ends up being junk.
  2. “This chain letter is legal.” But any chain letter that asks for money is illegal.
  3. “Stuff envelopes at home and earn big money.” The scam works like this: You send money for a “plan”; the plan is that you’re supposed to send letters asking people to send money for a plan.
  4. “Your humble assistance is highly solicited in transferring millions of dollars, available from the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, to share with your good self. All we need is your bank account number.” The scam is that they always ask for some “good faith” money… then they disappear.
  5. “You’ve been selected to receive a fabulous vacation.” But after you pay the “one-time membership fee,” you’re stuck with bad vacations and accommodations… or nothing at all.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like a group of police officers in bulletproof vests!

11 year old Roland Hopper was recently eating his birthday cake when two armed response cars and a riot van arrived. It seems that the birthday boy was shooting a pellet gun at the neighbor’s home and he was taken into custody and questioned for 2 hours, before being released on bail. The pellet gun was a birthday present from mom and dad, who claim that their son was only firing at a target in the back yard.

 

 

FUN LIST

NOW THAT I’M OLDER

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but I refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:

ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE – I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

FIVE – All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

NINE – I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…

TEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.

ELEVEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

TWELVE – It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

THIRTEEN – Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

FIFTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IS YOUR CHILD EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU?  WHAT CAN YOU DO?

 

Don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you; it’s not about your outfit, your lipstick, or the way you cheerfully try to liven up the conversation as you chauffeur your youngster and friends around town. It is simply your existence that proclaims to the world that your youngster is not quite as grown up as she would like them to believe.

 

This does not mean that your kids get to treat you as though you’re the carrier of some contagious disease after you drive them 45 minutes through the snow to a movie. Being a doormat is not the way to go. But whining and begging your child to treat you nicely isn’t going to work, either.

 

Start by adapting a more amused point of view to the whole thing. If you so much as bob your head to the music on the car radio and your child slumps down in the seat – enjoy it.  See the humor in how he thinks you’re uncool, because his being in the car makes him equally as uncool!  (You did the same when you were his age, right?)

 

Set realistic standards for how you and your kids will overlap as they move through this stage and don’t take their judgments of you personally. One day you’ll find yourself rocking out with your youngster as you drive down the road listening to a great tune, both heads bobbing for all the world to see.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Jameel McGee spent four years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. According to Relevant Magazein, in 2005, he was approached by a police officer named Andrew Collins and was arrested for dealing drugs—a charge that was completely fabricated. Years later, Collins was caught falsifying reports and went to prison himself, and the innocent man he’d put away was exonerated. That’s when an unlikely friendship blossomed. Both of the men ended up working at a Christian-based store and cafe called Mosaic, where Collins asked for forgiveness. McGee accepted the apology, and today, they’re close friends. McGee said that the act of forgiveness is an example of Christ’s love which he hopes will inspire others.

http://relm.ag/kkENKuk

 

Hoverboards are at least a little closer to reality after recent test. According to Time, Jetski racer Franky Zapata used his invention, The Flyboard Air, to set a new world record for farthest hoverboard flight. He traveled 7,388 feet, or nearly 21 football fields. Zapata made the trip over water because it provides a softer landing service.

http://ti.me/26Kyk4q

 

A half-mile-wide twister on the outskirts of Wray, Colorado gave a high school couple the prom photo of a lifetime. Charlie Bator and Ali Marintzer posed for the now viral prom photo as the tornado roared just three miles away. They say it was moving away from the small community on the eastern plains of Colorado when the photo was taken. Prom was delayed but not canceled.

http://on.mash.to/276hbT8

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 13, 2016…

 

Money Monster—George Clooney is a big-time television host on financial advice, his producer is Julia Roberts.  This is what happens when a disgruntled, lost-it-all guy takes over the station and Clooney as hostage, all on air, too. The cast includes Dominic West, Dennis Boursikaria, Caitriona Balfe and Jack O’Connell as the disgruntled man. “Money Monster” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

High Rise—This film was to have opened several weeks ago, and under a different title.  Tom Hiddleston (“I Saw The Light”) is a man who moves into a high rise apartment and decides he doesn’t like his neighbors so starts to do something about it. Also in the cast are Jeremy Irons, Sienna Miller, Luke Evans and Elizabeth Moss.  “High Rise” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Kidnap—Halle Berry stars in this suspense film as a mom who is trying to find her kidnapped son. The cast includes Dana Gourier and Christopher Berry. “Kidnap” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Snowden—Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Snowden in this film showing what the circumstances were around him as he was giving government secrets away. The movie was written and directed by Oliver Stone and based on the books “The Snowden Files: The Inside Story of The World’s Most Wanted Man”  by Luke Harding and “Time Of The Octopus” by Anatoly Kucherena. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MAY 20, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones —Based on a true incident, Matthew McConaughey plays a small farmer in Civil War times, who decides to secede from the Confederacy. With neighbors and former slaves, he tries to hold his ground.  This was in Jones County, Miss. Also in the cast are Keri Russell and Gugu Nbatha-Raw. “Free State Of Jones” is rated R. No rating.

 

Sorority 2: Neighbors Rising is a continuation of the bad neighbors film, starring Zac Efron, Rose Bryne and Seth Rogen.

 

Angry Birds (animated) follows the adventures of these birds with voices of Peter Dinklage and Jason Sudekis.

 

The Nice Guys has Russell Crowe as a laughable hit man with Ryan Gosling as his friend. Set in the 1970’s.

 

Maggie (opening in select cities) stars Greta Gerwig as Maggie who wants to have a baby and then gets involved with a married man. Also stars Travis Fimmel

 

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