May 14, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180514
PDF: 20180514

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m not really a pet person so I’m not sure about this… but my pet rock looks stoned. Should I be concerned?

I just can’t seem to find any motivation today. I must be out of it. I’ll pick some up at the store later – if I can find enough motivation to go. #Catch22

(THE JOCK SHOW) will air in just a moment — and believe me, it could stand an airing.

Never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why stop there? Why not 9? Why not 10. Strive for greatness.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“No one more sincerely wishes the spread of information among mankind than I do and none has greater confidence in its effect towards supporting free and good government.” – Thomas Jefferson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. — 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. — Psalm 108:3

Thought: Songs go where evangelism, witnessing, and planned outreach sometimes cannot go. Songs tell a story, offer praise, and deliver truth in a package that opens the heart and stirs the emotions. Songs give life to the soul and stir something primal, buried deep inside by God. When you are around friends you are trying to reach with the Gospel, listen for the kind of music they like. Then when the time is right, point them to songs that share the message of the Gospel with a melody and beat that can stir their hearts. God wants us to praise him, not just in our sanctuaries and churches, but with our friends and across cultures. He wants us to sing in ways that help other people know the “heart song” of our Redeemer’s love.

Prayer: Almighty God and righteous Father, thank you so much for the gift of song. Thank you for lyricists that capture the mood of our hearts and the word of your grace and help move others closer to faith. Please bless all those involved in bringing Christian songs to the public and making your Word more understandable to the masses. Empower singing in your Church, and help us to sing of your salvation in ways that reach all peoples on the earth. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 5:14 NIV = This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 14, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
224 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

This is KIWANIS PRAYER WEEK. ***This week, of course, is when all of the world’s Kiwaninites take the week to pray to their God Kiwanil, the God of… of uh… Kiwi. Okay, maybe I should start doing some research on these holidays, you think? (Actually, Kiwanis is an organization that supports young adults and children around the world.)

Today is NATIONAL DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN DAY. ***Ironically, the “Chicken Dance” is remarkably similar to the mating dance of the Kiwi bird.

Today is UNDERGROUND AMERICA DAY. Malcolm Wells of Brewster, Massachusetts, wants everyone to think about designing and building stuff underground. ***And after this weird holidays report, I’m thinking I’ll be spending quite a bit of time there. Underground, that is.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
National Chicken Dance Day
National Women’s Check-up Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
International MPS Awareness Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
National Slider Day (the food)
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
International Day of Light
Mimosa Day
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
National Juice Slush Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day
Ramadan begins
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

THURSDAY, MAY 17
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

FRIDAY, MAY 18

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
Endangered Species Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
Mother Whistler Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Museum Day
National Pizza Party Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

SATURDAY, MAY 19

Armed Forces Day
Boys Club Day
Do Dah Day
May Ray Day: 19
Morel Mushroom Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
National Learn To Swim Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
Preakness

SUNDAY, MAY 20

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day
Bay to Breakers Race:
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Rescue Dog Day
Neighbor Day
Ride A Unicycle Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Weights & Measures Day
WhitSunday
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

MONDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

ON THIS DAY

1804: The Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory left St. Louis.

1856: U.S. Secretary of War Jefferson Davis brought the first camels to America to test as military pack animals. The project was abandoned because the camels wouldn’t follow orders and they stank. ***MARLAR: That’s weird – those are the same reasons they gave me when I tried to enlist.

1874: Harvard became the first to charge admission to a football game at Cambridge, Massachusetts, beating Canada’s McGill 3-0. In the same game, goalposts were used for the first time.

1878: The trademarked name Vaseline (for a brand of petroleum jelly) was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. ***Have you ever tried petroleum jelly? What flavor is that supposed to be anyway?

1904: The first Olympic games to be held in the U.S. opened in St. Louis.

1936: Walden Cassotto was born in the Bronx. As singer Bobby Darin, his hits were “Splish Splash,” “Dream Lover,” and “Mack the Knife.” His first recording, “Early in the Morning,” was released twice, using the group names the Ding Dongs and the Rinky Dinks.

1969: The last Chevrolet Corvair rolled off the Willow Run assembly line in Ypsilanti, Michigan.

1972: Fourteen years after the Giants left New York, in his first game back as a New York Met, 41-year-old Willie Mays walloped a game-winning home run to beat the Giants 5-4.

1985: The first McDonald’s restaurant — in Des Plaines, IL — became the first museum of the fast-food business. ***In fact, they still have the original burgers under the warmers.

1987: Captain Frank Furillo hung up his badge in a final “Hill Street Blues” episode called “It Ain’t Over Until It’s Over.” Daniel J. Travanti starred. His only other series was “General Hospital.” (audio clip)

1998: NBC-TV aired the final episode of “Seinfeld”. ***And if you remember correctly, it too was about nothing. (audio clip)

1998: Singer Frank Sinatra died in Los Angeles at age 82.

2003: Golfer Vinenzo Frascella in Peterborough, England, finished his round despite being hit by lightening twice within 30 minutes. Lightening struck the 50-year-old golfer’s umbrella tip as he waited during a storm on 14th and 17th holes at Orton Meadows Golf Course. He said he felt tingles down his shoulder and arm both times, but wanted to finish the round. He would not divulge his score, but said it was a “stinker” of a day.

2006: Psychic Uri Geller and two partners bought the Tennessee house Elvis Presley lived in before moving to Graceland, with a winning bid of $905,100 on eBay. The trio hoped to restore the home and turn it into a museum. Presley bought the four-bedroom, two-bath house with an outdoor swimming pool at 1034 Audubon Drive in Memphis in 1956 with a down payment of $500. He lived there for 13 months before moving to Graceland, the now-famous Memphis estate where he died in 1977. During his time in the white, ranch-style house, Presley’s career took off with hits such as “All Shook Up” and “Don’t Be Cruel.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1572: Gregory XIII, who reformed the Julian calendar into the calendar used today and celebrated the killing of French Huguenots (Protestants) with a Te Deum (a Latin hymn), is named pope.

1607: Robert Hunt holds the first Anglican service in the New World days after the Virginia Company lands in Jamestown.

1759: Anglican evangelical John Berridge preaches his first outdoor sermon. Outdoor preaching became a prominent feature of his ministry, as it did for George Whitefield, John Wesley, and the early Methodist movement as a whole.

1817: The Marine Bible Society is organized for supplying sailors with Bibles.

1901: Althea Brown, an Afro-American is commissioned to go to Africa as a missionary.

1946: Bishop Jiosofat Kocylowskyj is ordered to leave Poland “voluntarily” for Russia. He refuses. On June 20 he is hauled out of his house, beaten severely and sent to Russia. Other bishops received the same treatment.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The Grudge, Joan on “Joan of Arcadia”) Amber Tamblyn 34 (audio clip)

  • actor (Punisher: War Zone, John Q) Keram Malicki-Sanchez 44

  • actress (The Aviator as Kathryn Hepburn, Indiana Jones 4, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Lord of the Rings movies) Cate Blanchett 49

  • actor (The Incredible Hulk, Thade in Planet of the Apes, Pumpkin/Ringo in Pulp Fiction) Tim Roth 57

  • director (Romancing the Stone, Back to the Future, Forest Gump, Contact, Cast Away, The Polar Express) Robert Zemeckis 66

  • actress (They Live, Leviathan, The Man In The Iron Mask) Meg Foster 70

  • director (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, American Graffiti) George Lucas 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1916 : Skip Martin

1917 : Norman Luboff

1925 : Al Porcino

1932 : Bob Johnston

1936 : Bobby Darin – born Walden Robert Cassotto

1936 : Charlie Gracie

1943 : Jack Bruce (Cream, Manfred Mann, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers)

1943 : Derek Leckenby (Herman’s Hermits)

1944 : Troy Shondell

1945 : Gene Cornish (The Rascals)

1947 : Al Ciner (The American Breed)

1950 : Arthur Grant (Edgar Broughton Band)

1952 : David Byrne (Talking Heads)

1962 : C.C. DeVille (Poison)

1962 : Ian Astbury (The Cult)

1966 : Fabrice Morvan (Milli Vanilli)

1966 : Mike Inez (Alice In Chains)

1966 : Raphael Saadiq (Tony! Toni! Toné!)

1969 : Danny Wood (New Kids on the Block)

1971 : Freaky Tah (Lost Boyz)

1973 : Natalie Appleton (All Saints)

1973 : Shanice

1976 : Hunter Burgan (AFI)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call those fancy pre-dinner snacks hors d’oeuvres?

If we called them “fancy pre-dinner snacks,” we wouldn’t get to show our savoir faire. And caterers couldn’t charge as much for them. (Wouldn’t it be funny if the French paraded their cosmopolitanism by calling them “fancy pre-dinner snacks?”) But if you can slather it on a cracker, spear it with a toothpick or pick it off a silver platter carried by a server dressed like a penguin, they’re definitely hors d’oeuvres. The phrase comes from architecture, where “outside the work,” the literal translation, meant an outbuilding. The food hors d’oeuvres, by analogy, are outside the main meal. That’s “outbuilding,” by the way, not to be confused with “outhouse,” although I’ve been to some parties where the latter would have been the appropriate culinary comparison.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Some universities are offering students chocolate, therapy dogs and video games as ways to cope with finals. ***The future of our country is in big trouble.

Lennar, the nation’s largest home builder, is going to include Amazon’s Alexa built-in to all of their homes. ***It’ll be almost the same as trying to communicate with a family member who is ignoring you – it’ll be like talking to the wall.

Hey, we’ve all been mad at the cable guy, but a woman in New Jersey took that anger to a whole new level when she left her cable guy stranded in the air. The dispute took place at an intersection in Ridgewood between a woman and an Optimum Cable employee. It’s unclear what the dispute was about, but police say the 59-year-old woman turned off the worker’s truck while he was in the lift, leaving him stuck in midair. The woman was charged with harassment, false imprisonment, disorderly conduct, and criminal trespassing.  ***I don’t see why she was in trouble though – she did tell the guy she’d be back to service him sometime between noon and 5pm.

Redmond O’Neal, the son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neal, was arrested Tuesday around 2:30am in Los Angeles on suspicion of robbing a convenience store.  ***Remember the days when celebrity children would take after their parents and just become alcoholics?  Those were the days.

Being in an unhappy marriage may be hard on the body as well as the heart. A study shows couples that often argue may take longer to heal from simple wounds than those in less hostile relationships. ***Well yeah – because you don’t have anybody there to kiss your boo boo better.

It’s a fairly odd world record – and it’s been standing for over 30 years, but after all this time, 25-year-old Boston University track and cross-country runner Zach Prescont has set a new high mark – for “joggling.” That’s the fastest time for running the mile – while juggline three lacrosse balls. Prescott ran the mile in four minutes and 43.2 seconds – barely beating the old record set three decades ago by American runner Kurt Swinson. Guinness World Records will now verify if Prescott’s time can officially become the new record.  ***If the record is confirmed it could mean his life will… well… absolutely nothing will change because nobody is looking for this on a job application.

A Thai airline has fined a passenger $94 because their name was too long to fit on a boarding pass.  ***First they charge for baggage, then they charge for extra baggage, they begin charging for kids to fly, they charge now if you want another soda during the flight… but how ridiculously greedy can airline get when they begin charging more based on the number of letters in a passenger’s name?

A man in China was detained after he inserted feces and motor oil into several ATM machines. He actually thought doing this would make money come out. ***There’s a lesson to be learned here.  Just because you can eat cash and have it turn into poop, does not mean you can deposit poop in the bank for cash.

If you need another reason to avoid the tattoos, a 23-year-old from Britain almost became the victim of a botched up surgery because of a minimalist tattoo that led to a mix-up. When surgeons were going to perform a procedure on his shoulder, they mistook the tiny play button tattoo for the actual mark indicating where they had to operate. So they operated in the wrong place.  ***This is exactly why God invented the Sharpie – so you could write on your body “operate here” and “don’t operate here”.

And… in news you just can’t make up files, rapper Dr. Dre has lost a trademark battle with gynecologist, Dr. Drai. True story.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A George Washington University study suggests that walking your dog can help you stay lean. The researchers found that people who walk their dogs are half as likely to be overweight as couch bound dog owners. Sure, active people may be more likely to adopt a dog, but there are other factors: “You may feel guilty if your dog doesn’t get a lot of activity,” says study author Cindy Lention, M.S. “That guilt could motivate you to walk your pet more and become more active.” And remember The American Collage of Sports Medicine reports 61 calories are burned in 15 minutes of walking a dog. ***In other words, whatever keeps you moving is good for weight loss – even if it means picking up poop.

According to a recent study, fast food actually contains even more calories than we thought. ***That means that we’re getting more for our money. That’s awesome!

Could the dictionary soon disappear from bookshelves? It’s been in print for over a century, but in the future the Oxford English Dictionary may only be available to peruse online. Publisher Oxford University Press said that burgeoning demand for the dictionary’s online version has far outpaced demand for the printed versions. By the time the lexicographers behind the dictionary are finished revising and updating the latest edition — a gargantuan task that will take many more years — publishers are doubtful there will still be a market for the printed form. The online Oxford English Dictionary now gets 2 million hits a month from subscribers. ***Or you can bypass them altogether and just use Spell-Check.

Can singing control pain? Doctors at Royal North Shore Hospital in Sydney have been prescribing three half-hour singing sessions a week for three weeks as part of a pain management program. ***Ironically, to induce the initial pain, they play songs from (Justin Bieber / Nickelback / Barry Manilow).

Lots of people talk to their dogs – but some people take it to a new level. An American Animal Hospital Association poll shows that 33 percent of dog owners admit that they talk to their dogs on the phone or leave messages on an answering machine while away. ***We used to do that for our cat –but she won’t even listen to us when we’re at home.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Sully the Aardvark was extremely angry at Gruffy Bear for continually breaking promises to play checkers with him. And the bowling team in the tournament, which started this whole mess, doesn’t need Gruffy anymore now either…

CLOSE: It’s good that Sully isn’t holding a grudge in all of this – and finding Nozzles to play checkers with is a great idea. But now Gruffy is really depressed about how he acted. Will he be able to make everything right again? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever wondered what would happen if you stole money from your neighbors’ mailbox? 

A Los Angeles woman recently stole an envelope from her neighbors’ mailbox, Horacio Lasam, and the envelope contained a check to the neighbors’ credit card company in the amount of $20.  The thieving woman then altered Mr. Lasam’s check to show it was written in the amount of $675 instead, and payable to herself.  It’s a typical check-washing scheme… but the woman made one mistake.  She took Mr. Lasam’s check to the wrong bank to cash it… and to the wrong teller.  The teller was Mr. Lasam himself.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS I STOPPED ATTENDING FOOTBALL GAMES

10. Every time I went, they asked me for money.

9. The people sitting next to me didn’t seem very friendly.

8. The seats were too hard.

7. The coach never came to call on me.

6. The referee made a decision I disagreed with.

5. Some of the games went into overtime and I was late getting home.

4. The band played songs I didn’t like.

3. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

2. I don’t want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

1. Since I read a book about football, I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

(Oh, wait a minute… I’m sorry, this was the top ten list for why I stopped attending church.  Sorry, my mistake.)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

One of Tennessee’s most wanted fugitives is now in custody.

FILE #1: Joel Blanton might be a free man today had he planned his escape a little more thoughtfully. Blanton ingeniously installed a trap door in his trailer in the event authorities paid him a visit. However, when John Law came knocking, Blanton got stuck underneath the house and is now stuck in jail.

FILE #2: Two thieves in Hong Kong were left seeing red after they attempted to make a getaway after they robbed a jewelry store. The two had just stolen $65,000 worth of jewels and hailed a taxi in an attempt to escape. Quickly a huge car chase between the police and the taxi ensued. But ten minutes into the chase, officers switched 10 sets of traffic lights to red to slow down their escape. The crooks jumped out of the taxi at one of the red lights and tried to getaway on foot, but were quickly caught and arrested. ***MARLAR: So let me get this straight: These guys have no problem when it comes to robbing stores, but suddenly develop a conscience when it comes to running red lights?!

FILE #3: Some airport workers called police – to report an FBI agent! Okay, so it was a FAKE FBI agent… he started nosing around Skyhaven Airport in Rochester, New Hampshire, asking questions about security. According to police, a man wearing a jacket that said “FBI Anti-Terrorism” showed up at the airport, but airport workers were immediately suspicious because the man couldn’t produce proper ID… and was wearing flip-flops.

STRANGE LAW: In Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Planning on committing a crime? Be sure your cell phone isn’t dialed into the police department when speaking of your plans!

No doubt you’re familiar with the button that many cell phones have that automatically dials 911 when pushed. Well, one man’s cell phone had that option and that’s what got him and his pal into trouble. Leshawn Davis and Tony Palmer were sitting around their apartment discussing in detail their plans to rob a nearby Taco Bell. Sometime during the conversation the 911 button was hit and the cops heard about 20 minutes of them planning their heist. They then decided to head to a nearby music store, where officers tracked them down and found them carrying marijuana and the cell phone, still connected to 911. They’ve been arrested.

PHONER PHUN

All of us have either been on one or set someone up for one… blind dates. Sometimes they result in great relationships, other times they are total nightmares. What’s YOUR blind date horror story?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the mother of Samuel?

ANSWER: Hannah (1 Samuel 1)

QUESTION: Who authorized the Jews to guard Jesus’ tomb?

ANSWER: Pilate (Matthew 27:65)

QUESTION:

There was a man who went one day
On top a Joppa house to pray,
And while he waited for his meat
He dreamed he saw a great big sheet
Let down from heaven, and inside
Fowls and creeping things did ride,
The one who prayed was told to eat,
For God had cleansed this “common” meat.

(Who was he?)

ANSWER: Peter (Acts 10)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’

ANSWER: Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Bob Dole is 10 years older than the Empire State Building. (True)

2. Bart was the name of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel that he mentioned in one of his most famous speeches. (False, it was Checkers)

3. By tradition we can expect eight more weeks of winter if on Groundhog Day, February 2, the groundhog sees its shadow. (False, six more weeks)

4. Judy Garland actually changed her name from Joan Grandy. (False, she changed her name from Frances Gumm)

5. January is named for Jackie, the god of windows. (False, Janus, the Roman god of doors and gateways)

6. In 1999, the National Weather Service first used male names as well as female names to identify hurricanes. (False, 1979)

7. Blue sky laws deal with the airlines. (False, Stocks and Bonds)

8. The most popular casino table game is Poker. (False, Blackjack)

9. “Vodka” mean “Breakfast” in Russian. (False, “Little Water”)

10. Roy Rogers’ horse was named Trigger. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ EGG (MARTIAN)

A Martian egg was found inside a meteorite that fell to Earth last year!

Scientists say they finally have proof that there is life on the Red Planet.

Professor Gupta Wickamassa told WWN that the egg was discovered when scientists were examining the inner section of a Martian meteorite that fell into the Arizona desert last year.

Wickamassa said that the rock, which he named Tootie, is rich in carbon and oxygen and stated that it could only have been produced by living organisms.

“This is one of the most exciting moments of  my career.  We do not know how this egg got into the rocky meteorite, but we are excited by the finding,” said Wickamassa.  ”The carbon-rich particles are of uniform sizes and shapes and are not relics of some algal species.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard.  He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk.  He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on.  But he missed a piece of baloney. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry.  So he flew down and started eating the bologna.  In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some baloney laying there on the sidewalk.  He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.  Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney.  But alas he was too full to fly and fell straight to the ground… splat!

The moral of this story is simple… don’t fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

JOKE #2

Several men are in the locker room of a Golf Club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man:  “Hello”.

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

JOKE #3

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

USELESS FACTS

The sweet tooth trumps all, even in an economic downturn. Americans are shopping for candy even as they pinch pennies other places. Candy land’s big players are seeing a bump in sales with Cadbury, Nestle and Hershey all reporting a rise in profits. ***Of course candy sales are going up – it’s comfort food.  Who doesn’t eat a Snickers bar and immediately feel better?

During the first Super Bowl in 1967, NBC was still in commercial when the second half kicked off. Officials asked the Packers to kick off again.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOT THE TIME?

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies “Sure, which country?”

The fella asks, “How many countries have you got?”

To which the man replies, “All the countries in the world!”

“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”

“That’s nothing,” the man says. “This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”

“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”

“Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”

The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch.” Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, “And here are the batteries.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HE FELL OFF OF WHAT?!?

What can be worse than falling off of a skyscraper in New York? How about doing it on purpose… twice?

As if jumping off of a building once isn’t crazy enough, a New York postal worker has done it twice. It seems that Donald Mathis loves to parachute off of really tall buildings. Of course, jumping off of skyscrapers is illegal in New York (go figure) so the man has been arrested. Why’d he do it the second time? Because no one noticed it the first time!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A LIFE-SAVING GIFT

I’m convinced that our mental and physical health depends on our attitude toward others and how we treat them. Included in this is forgiveness. In fact, if I could choose the one gift from God that I personally need to have and to give, it would be the gift of forgiveness both for others and for myself (by the way, have you forgiven yourself, dear reader?!).

Maltbie Babcock wrote years ago: “How sure we are of our own forgiveness from God. How certain we are that we are made in His image, when we forgive heartily and out of hand one who has wronged us. Sentimentally we may feel, and lightly we may say, `To err is human, to forgive divine;’ but we never taste the nobility and divinity of forgiving till we forgive and know the victory of forgiveness over our sense of being wronged, over mortified pride and wounded sensibilities. Here we are in living touch with Him who treats us as though nothing had happened — who turns His back upon the past, and bids us journey with Him into goodness and gladness, into newness of life.” Well, God asks that we do the same for others and ourselves.

We all know someone we are reluctant to forgive, for whatever reasons. There’s that bit of pride that hides in the corner of our heart and flashes out to bite us when that certain person digs in with sarcasm and corrodes our self-esteem. After being bitten royally one day — again — I asked myself if someone else had said this same thing, would it have bothered me so much? What a surprise to realize that I wouldn’t have thought once much less twice about it. But it was this person! Why? I still haven’t figured it out!

But it was at that moment I realized that my attitude was wrong, and that I’m only hurting myself, not the other person who probably isn’t even aware of what is happening. So I am learning to treat this person “as though nothing had happened.” And if there is one certainty in life, it is this: love never fails! And it is God who gives us that love to love. What a revelation and relief to finally put aside how I feel and to will a love that only God can give. The great gift is that I truly love this person now!

–Patricia Erwin Nordman, Walking Through the Darkness

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HE IS A FIRE

Read: Hebrews 12:25-29

Let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. For our God is a consuming fire. —Hebrews 12:28-29

A firestorm was raging outside the Australian city. Many people feared that this bushfire would prove to be Sydney’s worst in decades. Fanned by strong winds, high temperatures, and low humidity, the fire jumped across roads and rivers, consuming everything in its path.

When we think about the destructive power of that kind of inferno, we gain a better understanding of the startling words of Hebrews 12:29, “Our God is a consuming fire.”

Why did the author of Hebrews use such graphic imagery to describe the Lord? In his letter he was dealing with spiritual life-and-death issues—what his readers believed and the reality of their faith. Their response would reveal whether they were investing their lives in the kingdom that will last forever, or in the one destined for destruction.

We too need to remember that this world and all we possess are only temporary. If our faith and hope are in Jesus Christ, we are part of a kingdom that cannot be destroyed (v.28). Knowing that our days on earth are numbered and that “our God is a consuming fire,” let us serve Him and invest in things that are imperishable. —Albert Lee

Our God is a consuming fire
And will destroy earth’s temporal things;
He seeks to purify our lives
For service to the King of kings. —D. De Haan

Hold tightly to what is eternal and loosely to what is temporal.

LEFTOVERS

IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE

A science experiment goes terribly wrong at one elementary school!

Things went horribly wrong when a solid fuel rocket built by kids for a school science project landed on a house, causing hundreds of thousands of dollars damage. The school’s annual science project was launched from the school’s playing field and sparked a fire after hitting a neighboring property’s

LIFE… LIVE IT

YOUR MAIL IS LYING TO YOU!

The U.S. Postal Department says these are the five biggest fibs told to consumers in junk mail:

  • “You are a guaranteed winner” of a valuable prize. Usually you’re asked to pay for something in order to get a prize, which ends up being junk.

  • “This chain letter is legal.” But any chain letter that asks for money is illegal.

  • “Stuff envelopes at home and earn big money.” The scam works like this: You send money for a “plan”; the plan is that you’re supposed to send letters asking people to send money for a plan.

  • “Your humble assistance is highly solicited in transferring millions of dollars, available from the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, to share with your good self. All we need is your bank account number.” The scam is that they always ask for some “good faith” money… then they disappear.

  • “You’ve been selected to receive a fabulous vacation.” But after you pay the “one-time membership fee,” you’re stuck with bad vacations and accommodations… or nothing at all.

JUST FOR FUN

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like a group of police officers in bulletproof vests!

11 year old Roland Hopper was recently eating his birthday cake when two armed response cars and a riot van arrived. It seems that the birthday boy was shooting a pellet gun at the neighbor’s home and he was taken into custody and questioned for 2 hours, before being released on bail. The pellet gun was a birthday present from mom and dad, who claim that their son was only firing at a target in the back yard.

FUN LIST

NOW THAT I’M OLDER

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but I refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:



ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.



TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.



THREE – I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.



FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…



FIVE – All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.



SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?



SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.



EIGHT – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.



NINE – I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…



TEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.



ELEVEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.



TWELVE – It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.



THIRTEEN – Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.



FOURTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?



FIFTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IS YOUR CHILD EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU?  WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Don’t take it personally. It isn’t about you; it’s not about your outfit, your lipstick, or the way you cheerfully try to liven up the conversation as you chauffeur your youngster and friends around town. It is simply your existence that proclaims to the world that your youngster is not quite as grown up as she would like them to believe.

This does not mean that your kids get to treat you as though you’re the carrier of some contagious disease after you drive them 45 minutes through the snow to a movie. Being a doormat is not the way to go. But whining and begging your child to treat you nicely isn’t going to work, either.

Start by adapting a more amused point of view to the whole thing. If you so much as bob your head to the music on the car radio and your child slumps down in the seat – enjoy it.  See the humor in how he thinks you’re uncool, because his being in the car makes him equally as uncool!  (You did the same when you were his age, right?)

Set realistic standards for how you and your kids will overlap as they move through this stage and don’t take their judgments of you personally. One day you’ll find yourself rocking out with your youngster as you drive down the road listening to a great tune, both heads bobbing for all the world to see.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Hungry? Grab a handful of nuts. It doesn’t matter if it’s peanuts or pistachios. People who snack on any kind of nut are 20 percent less likely to die from any cause, according to researchers from the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, Brigham and Women’s Hospital and the Harvard School of Public Health. And that’s not all! People who eat nuts regularly are also thinner than those who don’t eat them, a finding that should alleviate the widespread worry that eating a lot of nuts will lead to weight gain. Overall, those who eat nuts daily have a 20 percent reduction in death from all causes. Specifically, there is a reduction of 29 percent in deaths from heart disease and an 11 percent reduction in deaths from cancer.  ***Sadly, I don’t believe peanut butter qualifies in this situation.

Those friends you love/hate? They’re the reason your blood pressure skyrocketed. Anyone who’s ever had a frenemy can attest to the fact that they’re the worst type of relationship. Just when you think you can’t possibly hate them anymore, they do something wonderful that makes you love them, and just when your love is about to explode through the roof, you’re daydreaming about them being hit by a bus. It’s a volatile rollercoaster to be in a relationship with a frenemy, and, scarily, according to experts, these evil entities make up half of our social networks. It’s these types of ambivalent relationships that are actually really bad for our health, both mentally and physically. Blood pressure of these participants “spiked,” whenever they interacted with their frenemy or if that frenemy was nearby (because of the potential of an interaction). Yes! Frenemies are just that bad for us that even the awareness of their close proximity forces our blood pressure to skyrocket. (YourTango.com)

Your drive to work is so infuriating that you show up in a bad mood almost every day. You are not alone: The average car commuter wastes about 42 hours a year in rush-hour traffic, according to the Texas A&M Transportation Institute (TTI). Your best option is cycling to work: According to a study in the journal Preventive Medicine, car commuters are 13 percent more likely to report trouble concentrating than people who walk or bike to their jobs. If pedal pushing is not an option, then you will have to become a road scholar: Rush-hour traffic peaks at 8am and 6pm, according to TTI data. Traffic mapping apps like Waze and Inrix can help you determine your best times to travel in order to beat the road congestion. Bonus: Start showing up at work early, and you just might raise your odds of pulling off the stress busting tip to your immediate right.

Want to hear a secret? Are you sure? It might kill you! “A heavy burden. A weight on my shoulders.” The metaphors we use to describe secrets are dead-on. Columbia University research reveals that people who keep something under wraps find everyday tasks, like lugging groceries upstairs, physically harder. “The size of the secret does not matter,” explains study author Michael Slepian. Ph.D., “What matters is how preoccupied you are with it.” In other words, sealing your lips about small stuff say a concealed crush, can feel as oppressive as lugging around a doozy if you obsess about it 24-7. And bearing that load can cause some pretty hefty health effects. For starters, it can jack up your levels of the stress hormone cortisol, too much of which is linked to memory loss, a messed up metabolism, and high blood pressure. You may also fall into a funk: Even if you think that keeping things close to your chest is no big deal some people are just more private than others, right, research shows secrets can leave people moody and lonely. Not only can your relationships with family and friends suffer, but the damage also can seep into your work life, even when the secret has nothing to do with your job. (Women’s Health)

According to a new study, favoritism is actually in the eye of the beholder, and because younger siblings often feel like they’re the favorite, their bond with their parents are often much stronger. Researchers from Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life studied 300 families, each with two teenagers, and asked them to describe the relationship with their parents. The results showed that if the younger sibling agreed with their parents that they were the favorite child, their bond strengthened (and if the feeling wasn’t mutual, the relationship suffered). If the older sibling believed they were the favorite, it had no effect on their bond. So younger children are more likely to perceive their parents prefer them, and because they believe it’s true, sometimes others believe it too. Convenient. Assistant Professor Alex Jensen says “My guess is it’s probably rarer that parents will say to an older sibling, “Why can’t you be more like your younger sibling?” It’s more likely to happen the other way around.” (British Glamour)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

He may be a very busy CEO of Amazon, but Jeff Bezos will find the time to help you find your lost dog. Businessman Richard Guttfield was at a loss to explain how his black miniature schnauzer, Wilma, went missing. The only thing he had to go on was the fact an Amazon delivery driver had dropped off a shipment of dog food. With nothing to lose, Guttfield emailed Amazon founder Jeff Bezos to see if he could help. Guttfield says that after that email, “We had someone who was amazing who tracked the driver and found our dog and brought her home.” Reportedly, Amazon checked the driver’s GPS log and discovered he had made a trip home before moving onto his next delivery. That’s where Wilma was found a few days later. An Amazon spokesperson said: “This is inexcusable and does not reflect the high standards we have for our delivery partners. We take these matters seriously and this individual is no longer delivering Amazon packages for the independent delivery service provider.” Many of the drivers that deliver packages for the company are independent couriers, and do not work directly for the company. (WSRZ)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MAY 11, 2018…

Life Of The Party—Melissa McCarthy is the star of this film which is about a woman who doesn’t know what to do when her husband leaves her. Her daughter is in college, so why not join her and earn a degree, too? Though it seems like a good plan, it doesn’t always work out with class schedules, daughter’s friends and just becoming adjusted to something new.  Also, in the cast are Maya Rudolph, Molly Gordon and Gillian Jacobs. “Life Of The Party” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Breaking In—This is a thriller that involves trying to break into a top-secure building to rescue hostages, especially if they are family.  Gabrielle Union stars as the women determined to do the impossible. Also, in the cast are Billy Burke and Richard Cabral. “Breaking In” is rated R. No rating.

Terminal-–A story that weaves around several characters including a crook planning a robbery, a woman with various personas and revenge. The cast includes Max Irons, Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya,”) Dexter Fletcher, and Simon Pegg. Directed by Vaughn Stein.  “Terminal” is rated R. No rating.

Assassins Code—Another crime film and this one is about a detective who is trying to solve a murder, and suddenly there is someone to help him—a ghost. Stars Justin Chatwin and Peter Stormare. “Assassins Code” is rated R. No rating.

Tully (opening in select cities) —This film concerns a middle-age woman (Charlize Theron) who has just too many things to do in a day.  Sound familiar? Enter a young woman (Mackenzie Davis) who works nights and then the two women talk and begin to understand each other. “Tully” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Seagull (opening in select cities) —Annette Bening again takes on an historical role, this time it is Irina Arkadina from Anton Chekhov’s play, “The Seagull.” The story centers on a mature actress (Bening) who is vacationing by a lake with her young boyfriend (Corey Stoll.) Here comes a younger actress (Saoirse Ronan) who is the girlfriend of Bening’s son (Billy Howle.) The son has written a play. Things start getting interesting and involve jealousy. Brian Dennehy is also in the cast. “The Seagull” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans. 

MAY 18, 2018…

Untitled Deadpool Sequel has no title, as such, and again stars Ryan Reynolds. Need I say more?

Show Dogs is a film about a police dog going undercover. You read that right. Stars Will Arnett.

Pope Francis–A Man Of His Word is a documentary on the Pope.

Book Club is about women who find interesting books and friends with similar interests. Stars Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda.

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