May 15, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I just learned something pretty disturbing about the boss. I have to be really careful on the show now. Honestly, the boss has never actually fired anybody… but he has starved 10 or 12 people.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus said, “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” — John 10:28-30

Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:5-6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.” — Matthew 5:13

Thought:

Jesus never wanted us to give up our moral distinctiveness, our redemptive influence, nor our loving impact on those around us. The purpose of our presence in the world is to preserve our culture from further decay and season the bitter, dog-eat-dog world, with grace and mercy.

Prayer: Dear holy and majestic LORD, please help me resist being conformed to my culture. Instead, dear Father, please use my distinctiveness as a Christian to bless others and to expand the influence and impact of your Kingdom. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 5:15 NIV = And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MAY 15, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
223 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is FLIP YOUR MATTRESS DAY. ***We already did it this morning… it would’ve been nice if my wife had waited until I’d woken up first though.

Today is INTERNATIONAL WALK DAY, a day to leave the car parked and walk. ***Also known as, “I Can No Longer Afford To Buy Gas Day.”

This is UNIVERSAL FAMILIES WEEK, yet today is INTERNATIONAL DAY OF FAMILIES. ***So right there we’ve gone from universal families to international families, automatically leaving out all families that don’t come from Earth.

Today is NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OCEAN DAY. ***Why? Because it might be waving at you!

Today is RELIVE YOUR PAST BY LISTENING TO THE FIRST MUSIC YOU EVER BOUGHT NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS NO EXCUSES NOW DAY. ***So now I’ll have the song “Rubber Ducky” stuck by Ernie on Sesame Street stuck in my head all day long. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
National Chocolate Chip Day
International MPS Awareness Day
National Slider Day
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
Mimosa Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

THURSDAY, MAY 18

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
National Museum Day
Mother Whistler Day
Hummus Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

FRIDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day
Endangered Species Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
May Ray Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Pizza Party Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

SATURDAY, MAY 20

Armed Forces Day:
Bay to Breakers Race
Do Dah Day
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Learn To Swim Day
Preakness
Morel Mushroom Day
Weights & Measures Day

SUNDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Neighbor Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

MONDAY, MAY 22

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

ON THIS DAY

1888: The swinging washing machine was patented. The machine was attached to a large swing, which children could swing in and power the machine. ***But then came child labor laws, so they invented electric washing machines instead.

1918: Eddie Arnold was born near Hendersonville, Tennessee. Over 140 of his records made the country charts, including the 1965 crossover hit “Make the World Go Away.”

1930: Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess. Ellen was also a registered nurse. ***Which came in handy when passengers had the in-flight meals.

1933: The first loudspeaker in the U.S. Senate was installed. ***And Nancy Pelosi continues the tradition!

1940: Nylon stockings appeared on sale for the first time in the U.S. ***Giving you one more reason to hate getting the runs.

1942: Gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.

1957: Elvis Presley inhaled a cap from one of his teeth. He was hospitalized in Los Angeles, where surgeons removed the cap from his lung.

1970: A&M Records released Close to You, the Carpenters second album. The title song became the first of six consecutive million sellers by Karen & Richard and led to a Best New Artist Grammy for the duo.

1970: U.S. President Richard Nixon appointed America’s first two female generals.

1972: 21-year-old Arthur Bremer shot Democratic presidential candidate George Wallace four times in Laurel, Maryland. The wounds left Wallace paralyzed for life. A month earlier, Bremer had planned to assassinate President Richard Nixon in Ottawa, but changed his mind at the last minute. He wrote in a diary he wanted “to do something bold and dramatic, forceful & dynamic, a statement of my manhood for the world to see.” Bremer was sentenced to 53 years in prison. with good behavior, he could be released in 2015.

1974: Mr. & Mrs. Frank Zappa announced the birth of their third child, Ahmet Rodan. He was named after a Japanese movie monster who lived on a diet of 707 jets.

1978: Country singer Willie Nelson released Stardust, an album of pop songs. The LP stayed on the music charts for 10 years and sold over 5-million copies.

1982: 27-year-old Ricky Skaggs joined the Grand Ole Opry. He had played mandolin and sung on the Flatt & Scruggs TV show at age 7. (In 1984, 24-year-old Lorrie Morgan became the youngest artist to join the Opry.)

1988: The #1 selling non-fiction book on the New York Times list was Michael Jackson’s autobiography, Moonwalker.

1990: A Pittsburgh man sued his insurance company for canceling his health insurance after confusing his medical history with that of his dog. ***You’d think getting a file with the patient’s name of “Fido” would be a clue.

1992: In New York, a portion of Cruger Avenue in the Bronx was renamed Regis Philbin Avenue.

1994: Actor Gilbert Roland died at age 88. His career stretched from silent movies to his final appearance in the 1982 Willie Nelson film Barbarosa. On television he was The Cisco Kid. ***The series was so popular that this fall a spin-off series starring Pauly Shore will hit the airwaves called The Crisco Kid.

1997: U.S. health officials approved the first nicotine-free anti-smoking drug, Zyban, which worked on chemicals in the brain that control addiction.

2003: Country musician-comic June Carter Cash died at age 73.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1265: Poet and politician Dante Alighieri, author of “The Divine Comedy,” is born in Florence, Italy. Dante finished the epic poem just before his death, and it was quickly recognized as brilliant. His epitaph begins: “Dante the theologian, skilled in every branch of knowledge that philosophy may cherish in her illustrious bosom”

1525: Radical reformer Thomas Munzer and his followers are killed in the Battle of Frankenhausen. Though many of his beliefs were rejected by later, nonviolent Anabaptists, his emphasis on suffering discipleship, his rejection of infant baptism, and his call for judgment of the church became key teachings in the movement.

1948: Father Edward Flanagan, founder of the U.S. Home for Homeless Boys (later called Boys Town) in Omaha, Nebraska, dies. “There is no such thing as a bad boy.”

1967: Tennessee throws out its “monkey law” against the teaching of evolution which had led to the Scopes trial.

1972: US Supreme court decision says the Amish can’t be forced to attend public schools against their religious conviction.

1984: American evangelical Francis A. Schaeffer dies in Rochester, Minnesota. Many of his books, which include The God Who is There (1968) and How Should We Then Live (1976), argue that moral relativity is responsible for social ills.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Meadow on “The Sopranos”) Jamie-Lynn DiScala 36 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Melrose Place,” “Baywatch”) David Charvet 45 (audio clip)

  • actor-writer (The Usual Suspects, Faithful, Analyze That) Chazz Palminteri 66

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1918 : Eddy Arnold

1937 : Trini Lopez

1939 : Lenny Welch

1942 : K.T. Oslin

1947 : Graham Goble (Little River Band)

1948 : Brian Eno (Roxy Music)

1948 : Gary Thain (Uriah Heep)

1951 : Dennis Fredericksen (Toto)

1953 : Mike Oldfield

1970 : Prince Be (PM Dawn)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Is it true that you shouldn’t go swimming for at least an hour after eating?

According to my mother, when we were at the beach, if the interval between sandwich and salt water were anything less than 90 minutes, it would be cramps and a watery grave for me. Mom, are you listening? There’s no scientific backing for this belief! Cramps from swimming after eating are rare and are not statistically significant in drownings. You can go in right after eating. Of course you wouldn’t want to do anything strenuous in the water right after a meal, just as you wouldn’t on land. Otherwise, to your repertoire of Australian crawl, backstroke, and dog paddle, you will add the upchuck. There is no scientific evidence proving that swimming and eating produce cramps. Muscle cramps are caused by fatigue and chilling and have nothing to do with digestion or with the body focusing its energies on digestion and drawing blood away from the muscles. Long-distance swimmers will actually eat while in the water to avoid fatigue (and, thus, muscle cramps).

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns has just completed their “The Very Next Thing” tour. 80 major market dates. The tour traveled through 80 major markets and featured some of the most successful shows of the band’s career. The band reported multiple sold-out performances and an overall attendance topping 375,000, making it the most attended Crowns’ tour since 2008. In addition, the tour united more than 11,000 children with sponsorships through Compassion International.

https://t.e2ma.net/share/inbound/t/riwfjc/fhz75d

Matthew West was live on Facebook last week to celebrate the release of his new song Broken Things. Tune in for an acoustic rendition of the new song and hear more from Matthew about his latest projects. https://www.instagram.com/p/BT9pVoUgOIU/

Amy Grant is giving you and five of your friends the opportunity to join her for a picnic for six in her treehouse in Nashville. She’s part of a fund raiser for St. Jude’s Children’s research hospital and all the money raised from the picnic will go to help the organization. Bid online at http://bidforstjude.com.

Bart Millard is no stranger to the video screen but he says it is so strange to see his name featured in a page detailing an upcoming movie. The Mercyme front man shared the link for his new movie I Can Only Imagine. Bart lost his father to cancer, inspiring the bands mega-hit song, I Can Only Imagine. The movie I Can Only Imagine is scheduled for a 2018 release. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6450186/

Mandisa is joining some friends for an online Bible study and she is inviting you to join as well. She posted this week: it deals with an issue I know a lot of us face. If like me, you battle with insecurity, shame, or depression, please check this out. Participation is absolutely free, but it’s recommended that you buy the book. It starts June 12th and I can’t wait! https://www.instagram.com/p/BT7WSXuFR0W/

Mandisa has a suggestion for the creators of American Idol. The former contest on the show just found out that ABC Network is bringing back the show and suggested: I think they should have past contestants judge!

Hillsong Worship have kicked off their let there be light Devotional. Members of the band invite you to join them as they dive into God’s Word, focusing on some of the scriptures behind their songs. Start with devotional #1 at https://www.facebook.com/notes/hillsong-worship/treasure-of-the-cross-day-1/1741773342515958/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Over in China, a computer technician who stole and drank a colleague’s breast milk says he only did so because he was “stressed out.” Maybe we could believe that if he hadn’t also sent the woman anonymous messages bragging about drinking her milk and then more messages with what we’ll call Anthony-Weiner-style pictures. The milk in question was being stored in the woman’s office refrigerator and the suspect is a co-worker. The good news is the guy was arrested and now a judge will deal with him. ***Apparently “Grand Theft Mammary Juice” is a thing!

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. ***Not real friends though. This would be for people who are kind of your acquaintances or just an acquaintance of an acquaintance whom you don’t mind seeing pics of your baby or what you’re having for dinner that night their news feed. Real friends already have your phone number.

Steve Harvey apparently doesn’t want any underlings talking to him. The longtime talk show host has allegedly circulated a memo to staff that instructs them, among other things, to “not come to my dressing room unless invited” and to not “approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly.” ***Also, don’t stare at my teeth because the glare will blind you!

Many of us had had feared that the infamous Loch Ness Monster (who definitely totally exists and is unquestionably a real thing) had died as there have been no sightings for eight months. But we can all breathe a sigh of relief as new footage shows that Nessie is indeed alive and well. In the video, and accompanying photos, Nessie’s long neck and head is seen gliding through the water, barely causing a ripple as a boat passes by. Nobody on the boat seems phased by the appearance of the legendary creature. You know what else isn’t phased by passing boats? Logs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGuTMF9jlQ

So, you think America ready for President Rock? In a new profile of Dwayne Johnson in GQ, the wrestler-turned-movie star talks about his possible future in politics. It all started with an opinion piece in the Washington Post last year that stated Johnson could be an actual presidential candidate. At the time, Johnson called the idea “fun to read.” But now he says he’s been giving it some serious thought saying, “I think that it’s a real possibility.” ***While I think this is almost as ridiculous as what we currently have in D.C., I must admit it would be great to see President Dwayne Johnson pick up the phone to talk to Kim Jong Un and say, “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking!?”

Cuba has opened its first luxury mall. ***But then, that’s Cuba – so it might just be our version of a dilapidated shopping strip.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A poll has found that up to three-quarters of councils in Britain are planning to turn off street lamps or dim the lights in an attempt to save money and meet climate change targets. But police fear that darkened streets will act as a haven for burglars, muggers and vandals – and motoring experts warn that there may be more accidents on the roads. ***es, you might get mugged and get in horrible car accidents… but it’s for the good of the planet, so stop your whining!

After decades of debate it seems we may finally have a definitive winner in the “over vs. under” toilet paper draping debate. Writer Owen Williams has pointed out that Seth Wheeler’s original patent for his perforated toilet paper invention in 1891 shows the paper in an “over” position, indicating that that is how it’s meant to be used. ***And now countless marriages will be saved.

A gene linked to sticky ear wax and excessive underarm odor may indicate a higher risk of cancer. The study may give doctors another tool for predicting cancer risk. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by tracking a protein created by a gene which is associated with cancer. The ear wax and odor problems may become lifesaving clues to the early detection and treatment of cancer. ***Assuming your doctor can stomach being close enough to examine you, you waxy, smelly freak.

Dieters who weighed themselves at least weekly lost more weight than those who didn’t, according to research from the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation. ***But weighting yourself regularly also makes you more likely to suffer from depression.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of. But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The saying goes, “you get what you pay for.” That is, unless you are Washington D.C., where you don’t.

From that hotbed of wisdom and financial responsibility that is Washington DC, comes word that the District of Columbia paid $10 million three years ago for several streetcars made in the Czech Republic. Three years later those streetcars are still in the Czech Republic. That’s because DC has yet to build tracks for the cars and there is no timetable for when a rail line will be built.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DENTIST IS OUT TO HURT YOU

10. How is he supposed to fill my cavity with all this duct-tape on my mouth?

9. He routinely carves the date and time of your follow-up appointment into your left arm.

8. He required thirty-seven x-rays of your teeth…and the lead apron he normally covers his patients with is “at the cleaners”.

7. Your jaw doesn’t have room to accommodate your wisdom teeth, so he suggests making a few dozen apointments to remove all of the others so they’ll have room.

6. Notches cut into the drill handle.

5. After jamming the 6-inch needle into your jaw he responds, “No, that wasn’t the novocaine — I’m just warming up.”

4. Insists on playing his “Soothing Sounds of the Rainforest” CD as an alternative to novacaine.

3. It’s not the coke bottle glasses or the blood stained smock – it’s the necklace make from human teeth.

2. He adjusts the chair so it’s comfortable, but the arm, leg, and head restraints are a little tight….

1. Forget the drill, he uses a screwdriver

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two crooks are foiled by a fishbowl!

FILE #1: Two men attempting to rob a Winnipeg restaurant were forced to retreat when they were attacked by angry patrons. Police said the robbery went awry when one of the thieves got into a scuffle with a 74-year-old waiter. That’s when customers jumped in to help in any way they could, including a man who smashed a fish bowl over the head of one of the crooks. The robbers left without any cash, but are still on the run.

FILE #2: In Manchester, England, three armed gang members burst into a crowded gym, punched a rival gang member and threatened him with a sub-machinegun in front of shocked onlookers. It might have gone a lot more smoothly for the gang bangers if it weren’t for the uniformed police officers next room giving a talk on the dangers of gun crime. They called in an armed response unit, who caught the punks after a brief chase.

FILE #3: Airport security guards in Tampa busted illegal Peruvian immigrant Maria Riano after she had approached a Continental Airlines counter to buy a ticket to Newark, with eight bulging duffel bags behind her. Apparently new at the smuggling game, Riano froze on the standard airline-traveler question, “Did you pack your own bags?” When she snapped, “Why do you need to know that?” airport security was summoned and found about $25,000 worth of shoplifted upscale clothing in the duffel bags.

STRANGE LAW: In Texas it is illegal to milk another person’s cow.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One 26-year-old Greenfield, Wisconsin, mom has taken herself out of the running for the Mother of the Year award.

This is probably one of the most disturbing stories we’ve ever had in the “Brain on Drugs” segment. I read this and about hit the ceiling I got so mad. This (lucky for her) unnamed mom was busted at a restaurant for smoking. Actually, mom wasn’t the one smoking – it was her 2-year-old son. The boy’s aunt was also there and she told police that the boy often says “smoke, smoke” and sometimes takes cigarettes out of the pack and puts them in his mouth. But even worse, the aunt said mom also keeps a rolled up dollar bill in the bedroom, which her son plays with. By playing with it, she meant that he holds it up to his nose and says, “fix, fix” over and over again. Some people just shouldn’t be parents.

PHONER PHUN

If you could replay the greatest moment in your life, what would that moment be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was struck dumb by the Lord and was then only able to speak when the Lord gave him something to say?
ANSWER: Ezekiel (Ezekiel 3:25-27)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: On average, how much longer do right-handed people live than left-handed people?

ANSWER: Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. ***MARLAR: Left-handed people die sooner, possibly due to right-handed scissors accidents.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The average dinosaur lived to be over 100 years old. (True)

2. Dale Evans’ horse was named Joey. (False, Buttermilk)

3. The British title of nobility that is the “highest” is Duke. (True)

4. If we refer to some as freestone and others as clingstone, we are talking about Grapes. (False, Peaches)

5. Geico insurance company claims you’re in good hands with them. (False, Allstate does)

6. If lovers are said to be “star-crossed,” their relationship is Doomed. (True)

7. The group known as PETA is against the abuse of Alcohol. (False, Animals)

8. The term “Impressionism” was prompted by an 1872 painting by Ben Franklin. (False, Claude Monet)

9. Serotonin is a powerful vasoconstrictor found in blood serum. (True)

10. The first fast-food chain was McDonalds. (False, White Castle)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

DWARF _______ (EMPIRE)

A Dwarf Empire has formed in China – and they are preparing a fight to secede and form their own country.

Dwarves from all over China have come to Kunming in the southwestern part of the country.  Their mission:  to form a Dwarf Empire and – conquer the world.

In the meantime, they have to make a living… SO, twice a day the dwarves perform a variety show, including acrobatics, sports, singing and dancing – all for tourists.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A member of the U.S. Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. “OK,” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

JOKE #2

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Wow!  Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean, much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

JOKE #3

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy’s ear, the doctor asked him, “Is this your nose?”

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mom, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”

USELESS FACTS

California leads all U.S. states in the number of turkeys raised.  ***And some of them, it seems, may have participated in formulating the state’s energy policies.

There may be as many chickens in the world as there are people. ***We don’t know for sure though because chickens have a poor response rate when it comes to the census.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE SEARCH

An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, “Get out of the car and open the trunk!”

The American replied, “I’m sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can’t take my foot off the brake or it’ll roll back down the hill.”

So the Russian says, “Do you take me for a FOOL?!” as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. “Now, go and open the trunk!”

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. “Now”, shouts the Russian from inside the car, “Is there any contraband in there?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How bad was your worst day? Poor Justin Hill probably has you beat.

Justin Hill was turning into the driveway of his home in Rock Island, Tennessee. Unfortunately that turn took him into the path of an oncoming vehicle. When his wife heard the crash, she left the dinner cooking on the stove unattended and ran out of their trailer to see what happened. As Justin was being taken to the hospital, he watched as his dinner and home went up in flames. The day got even worse for Justin as he was ticketed in the accident for failure to yield.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MAKING MEMORIES

Some may think spending the day with a child is doing ‘nothing much.’ Here’s why it’s the most important thing in the world. –By Tonna Canfield

After eating breakfast, my little girl says, “Mommy, will you watch this show with me?” I look at the breakfast dishes in the sink and then at her big brown eyes.
“Okay,” I say, and we snuggle together on the couch and watch her favorite show.
After the show, we put together a puzzle and I head for the kitchen to wash those dirty dishes when the phone rings. “Hi,” my friend says, “What have you been doing?”
“Well,” I say, “watching my little one’s favorite show with her and putting together a puzzle.”

“Oh,” she says, “so you’re not busy today.”
No, I think to myself, just busy making memories.
After lunch, Erica says, “Mommy, please play a game with me.” Now I am looking at not only the breakfast dishes but also the lunch dishes piled in the sink. But again, I look at those big brown eyes and I remember how special it felt when my mom played games with me when I was a little girl.
“Sounds like fun,” I answer, “but just one game.” We play her favorite game, and I can tell she is delighting in every moment.
When the game ends, she says, “Please read me a story.”
“Okay,” I say, “but just one.”
After reading her favorite story, I head for the kitchen to tackle those dishes. With the dishes now done, I start to fix supper. My willing little helper comes eagerly to the kitchen to help me with my task. I’m running behind and thinking about how much faster I could do this if my sweet little one would just go play or watch a video, but her willingness to help and her eagerness to learn how to do what her mommy is doing melts my heart, and I say, “Okay, you can help,” knowing it will probably take twice as long.
As supper is about ready, my husband comes home from work and asks, “What did you do today?”
I answer, “Let’s see, we watched her favorite show and we played a game and read a book. I did the dishes and vacuumed; then with my little helper, I fixed supper.”
“Great,” he says, “I’m glad you didn’t have a busy day today.”
But I was busy, I think to myself, busy making memories.
After supper, Erica says, “Let’s bake cookies.”
“Okay,” I say, “let’s bake cookies.”

After baking cookies, once again I am staring at a mountain of dishes from supper and cookie baking, but with the smell of warm cookies consuming the house, I pour us a glass of cold milk and fill a plate with warm cookies and take them to the table. We gather around the table eating cookies, drinking milk, talking and making memories.
No sooner have I tackled those dishes than my little sweetie comes tugging at my shirt, saying, “Could we take a walk?”

“Okay,” I say, “let’s take a walk.” The second time around the block I’m thinking about the mountain of laundry that I need to get started on and the dust encompassing our home; but I feel the warmth of her hand in mine and the sweetness of our conversation as she enjoys my undivided attention, and I decide at least once more around the block sounds like a good idea.
When we get home, my husband asks, “Where have you been?”
“We’ve been making memories,” I say.
A load in the wash and, my little girl all bathed and in her gown, the tiredness begins to creep in as she says, “Let’s fix each other’s hair.”
I’m so tired! my mind is saying, but I hear my mouth saying, “Okay, let’s brush each other’s hair.” With that task complete, she jumps up excitedly, “Let’s paint each other’s nails! Please!” So she paints my toenails, and I paint her fingernails, and we read a book while waiting for our nails to dry. I have to turn the pages, of course, because her fingernails are still drying.
We put away the book and say our prayers. My husband peeks his head in the door, “What are my girls doing?” he asks.
“Making memories,” I answer.
“Mommy,” she says, “will you lay with me until I fall asleep?”
“Yes,” I say, but inside I’m thinking, I hope she falls asleep quickly so I can get up; I have so much to do.
About that time, two precious little arms encircle my neck as she whispers, “Mommy, nobody but God loves you as much as I do.” I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I thank God for the day we spent making memories.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

L’CHAYIM!
READ: Exodus 12:21-30

The Lord will . . . not allow the destroyer to come into your houses to strike you. —Exodus 12:23

My friends Deb and Bryce were invited by some Jewish friends to attend their seder dinner. This is a celebration held by Jewish families to commemorate the first Passover in Egypt (Exodus 12:24-27). The entire family becomes involved, including the little children.

Deb and Bryce expected a somber evening, but they discovered a joyous celebration. At the beginning of the meal, a piece of bread was halved. One half was shared by the guests; the other half was hidden by the youngest family member. All the adults searched for it, to the child’s delight. When the bread was not discovered, it was ransomed by the child amid great laughter. Then followed an evening of stories and songs, and the oft-repeated phrase: “L’Chayim! To life!”

Why not a joyous celebration? The Passover marks the deliverance of Israel from slavery and the “destroyer.”

The Passover meal Jesus and His disciples shared the night before His death was a celebration too, but with serious overtones. It signaled the beginning of the events that led to His sacrifice and our redemption from sin and Satan.

From spiritual slavery to spiritual freedom. From death to life. As we celebrate our deliverance, we too can say with joy to one another, “L’Chayim! To life!”

David C. Egner

LEFTOVERS

ISLAMIC DIVORCE NOT BINDING IN MARYLAND
The Maryland Court of Appeals ruled that saying, “I divorce thee” three times is not valid in Maryland. A World Bank economist who moved there from Pakistan in 1985 went to the Pakistan Embassy in D.C. and used the Islamic method to divorce his wife without telling her so he could keep her from getting any of his $2 million fortune. But the Court ruled that no matter where you’re from, in Maryland, saying, “I divorce thee” three times isn’t enough.

LIFE… LIVE IT

There is one small glimmer of good news with the high gas prices.

People who bought one of those hybrids are recouping the higher cost of the vehicle in less time. While projections for breaking even had been around five years, rising gas prices have driven that down to two or three years. On the downside, increased demand for the hybrids is driving up their prices. Of course, not all hybrids are created economically equal. At current fuel prices, the Toyota Highlander hybrid takes 12.7 years to break even and the Saturn Aura takes 24.3 years. But those don’t top the list. The $106,000 Lexus LS600h hybrid, compared with the gasoline version will take you 102.6 years.

JUST FOR FUN

SHAME, SHAME

Want to stop unauthorized people from parking in handicapped spaces? Embarrass them! In one English town, people who park without a permit in handicapped parking spaces will be asked to move their cars or face the consequences of getting a ticket. But it won’t be a person telling them to do it… it will be the parking meter! It’s a special parking meter that senses when a car has arrived in the space. Once you’ve parked in the handicapped space and open your door, you’ll hear: “Welcome to Stockport Town Hall. Please note that you are parked in a disabled parking space and must be able to display a relevant badge. If you do not display a relevant badge, you will receive a parking ticket. These conditions apply 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The idea is to make the person parking there feel really uncomfortable if they’re not handicapped. ***MARLAR: We need one of these things at the grocery store in the “Ten Items or Less” line!

FUN LIST

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU’RE PULLED OVER

  • Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.

  • Want to race to the station, Sparky?

  • I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!

  • Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?

  • I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

  • Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

  • Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

  • Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

  • You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  • You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

  • Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

  • Aren’t you one of the Village People?

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THINGS EVERY MOM SHOULD HAVE IN THE CAR

Snacks: Yes, snacks – the culprit to the crumbs that never disappear. Which would you rather have though…crumbs or hungry, crying children?

Spray Bottle: One mother said she uses a spray bottle to squirt her kids when they are fighting. It shocks them and they hate it. That’s funny.

Water: It’s always nice to have water handy, especially when rushing off to soccer games or other activities. Not to mention how much you may consume just sitting in the car.

Emergency Kit: This is a great item that may be easily overlooked. But one that would be essential if stranded somewhere. Flashlights, batteries and extra clothes could really come in handy in a sticky situation.

Hand Sanitizer: One mother said that as soon as her kids get in the car from school, the first thing they do is de-germ. She has this sitting in her console to help fight the bugs.

Baby Wipes: Whether you have a baby or not, baby wipes can help out when you hear “Mom! I just spilled!”  These are instant, handy seat-washers and sticky-finger-fixers.

Music: Kids love music and most moms agreed that music is a must. Bring music thatwon’t make you, as an adult, go crazy

Trash Bags: Wipes, tissues, half-eaten snacks and wrappers need a home, unless you want them shoved down the seat belt hole. A trash helps contain the mess. There are several that are tailored for cars.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Every year for the past four years, Jean E. Gailun, a volunteer at Kensington International School, has raised money to send students to summer camp. Usually she raises enough money to send about 50 students to the YMCA’s Camp Weber in West Springfield, but that just wasn’t enough for her. This year, she raised about $40,000, making it possible for 115 students to attend the two-week day camp this summer.

http://bit.ly/2r2EfSN

An Alabama college student is embarking on a road trip to help elderly veterans. Rodney Smith Jr., a college student in Huntsville, started the Raising Men Lawn Care Service to mow lawns at no charge. The organization gets kids ages 7-17 involved, challenging them to mow 50 lawns for others. To promote the program, Smith is going on a one-man “50 States 50 Lawns” road trip in May and June

http://bit.ly/2pASv4a

Amazon announced this week that a new building it plans to construct in Seattle will feature a decidedly uncommon mix: its own high-tech offices, and a homeless shelter with space for 65 families. The company said it will donate more than 47,000 square feet of space, or about half of the new six-story building, to Mary’s Place, which operates several family shelters.

http://n.pr/2q4WoS1

Research from the Barna group shows that people who identify themselves as Christians in the U.S. are “absorbing” non-biblical world views. The study, conducted with Summit Ministries, found that only 17 percent of Christians had a “biblical world view.” The study showed that four in 10 practicing Christians were sympathetic to some Muslim teachings, 61 percent agreed with New Spirituality ideas, 54 percent could agree with postmodernist views, 36 percent agreed with some Marxist ideas and 29 percent believed some secularist ideas.

http://dlvr.it/P6QwhP

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“My uncle had a rabbit’s foot for thirty years. His other foot was quite normal.” –Tom Griffin

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 12, 2017…

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword—Charlie Hunnam is getting away from “Sons of Anarchy” to go into England as Arthur. Yes, THE Arthur, who takes the famous sword from the stone and becomes ruler. Though, this Arthur was raised as a poor boy, robbed of his birthright, and has an attitude. Also in the cast are Jude Law and Eric Bana. No motorcycle in sight. “King Arthur: Legend of the Sword” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Snatched—This film is about a road trip. The special kind you take with your Mom to bond and really get to know each other. Then, there is the other kind of road trip where the daughter (Amy Schumer) is jilted and takes Mom (Goldie Hawn) with her only to find that things don’t exactly work out as planned. Also in the cast is Christopher Meloni. “Snatched” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Wall—Snipers afoot in this movie about military men being pinned down by someone and there is very little to hid behind. Stars John Cena and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. “The Wall” is rated R. No rating.

The Locksmith—A detective decides to go into the Deep South and try to solve a murder mystery. Trouble ahead, for sure. Stars Don Wallace and Sophie Scarf. “The Locksmith” is rated R. No rating.

MAY 19, 2017…

Alien: Covenant is a prequel to the original “Alien” film and what a colony ship finds on a new planet. Stars Michael Fassbinder.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul and a continuation of the adventures of being a pre-teen on a family road trip. Jason Drucker is the Kid.

Champion stars Gary Graham in a film about dirt track racing.

The Black Prince has Jason Flemyng as the last Punjab Ruler in India and he faces Queen Victoria.

Everything, Everything is a film about a girl with a rare disease who has to stay in her house. Stars Anika Nooni Rose.

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