ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.
Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I just learned something pretty disturbing about the boss. I have to be really careful on the show now. Honestly, the boss has never actually fired anybody… but he has starved 10 or 12 people.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“For myself, therefore, I desire to declare that the principle that will govern me in the high duty to which my country calls me is a strict adherence to the letter and spirit of the Constitution as it was designed by those who framed it.” – Martin Van Buren
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Jesus said, “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” — John 10:28-30
Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:5-6
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.” — Matthew 5:13
Thought: Jesus never wanted us to give up our moral distinctiveness, our redemptive influence, nor our loving impact on those around us. The purpose of our presence in the world is to preserve our culture from further decay and season the bitter, dog-eat-dog world, with grace and mercy.
Prayer: Dear holy and majestic LORD, please help me resist being conformed to my culture. Instead, dear Father, please use my distinctiveness as a Christian to bless others and to expand the influence and impact of your Kingdom. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 John 5:15 NIV = And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 15, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 223 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is FLIP YOUR MATTRESS DAY. ***We already did it this morning… it would’ve been nice if my wife had waited until I’d woken up first though.
Today is INTERNATIONAL WALK DAY, a day to leave the car parked and walk. ***Also known as, “I Can No Longer Afford To Buy Gas Day.”
This is UNIVERSAL FAMILIES WEEK, yet today is INTERNATIONAL DAY OF FAMILIES. ***So right there we’ve gone from universal families to international families, automatically leaving out all families that don’t come from Earth.
Today is NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OCEAN DAY. ***Why? Because it might be waving at you!
Today is RELIVE YOUR PAST BY LISTENING TO THE FIRST MUSIC YOU EVER BOUGHT NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS NO EXCUSES NOW DAY. ***So now I’ll have the song “Rubber Ducky” sung by Ernie on Sesame Street stuck in my head all day long. (audio clip)
TODAY IS ALSO…
Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
International MPS Awareness Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
National Slider Day (the food)
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 16
International Day of Light
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
National Juice Slush Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day
THURSDAY, MAY 17
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)
FRIDAY, MAY 18
Buy A Musical Instrument Day
Endangered Species Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
Mother Whistler Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Museum Day
National Pizza Party Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
Visit Your Relatives Day
SATURDAY, MAY 19
Armed Forces Day
Boys Club Day
Do Dah Day
May Ray Day: 19
Morel Mushroom Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
National Learn To Swim Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
SUNDAY, MAY 20
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day
Bay to Breakers Race:
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Rescue Dog Day
Ride A Unicycle Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Weights & Measures Day
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day
MONDAY, MAY 21
American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development
TUESDAY, MAY 22
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
Sherlock Holmes Day
US Colored Troops Day
World Goth Day
ON THIS DAY
1888: The swinging washing machine was patented. The machine was attached to a large swing, which children could swing in and power the machine. ***But then came child labor laws, so they invented electric washing machines instead.
1918: Eddie Arnold was born near Hendersonville, Tennessee. Over 140 of his records made the country charts, including the 1965 crossover hit “Make the World Go Away.”
1930: Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess. Ellen was also a registered nurse. ***Which came in handy when passengers had the in-flight meals.
1933: The first loudspeaker in the U.S. Senate was installed. ***And Nancy Pelosi continues the tradition!
1940: Nylon stockings appeared on sale for the first time in the U.S. ***Giving you one more reason to hate getting the runs.
1942: Gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.
1957: Elvis Presley inhaled a cap from one of his teeth. He was hospitalized in Los Angeles, where surgeons removed the cap from his lung.
1970: A&M Records released Close to You, the Carpenters second album. The title song became the first of six consecutive million sellers by Karen & Richard and led to a Best New Artist Grammy for the duo.
1970: U.S. President Richard Nixon appointed America’s first two female generals.
1972: 21-year-old Arthur Bremer shot Democratic presidential candidate George Wallace four times in Laurel, Maryland. The wounds left Wallace paralyzed for life. A month earlier, Bremer had planned to assassinate President Richard Nixon in Ottawa, but changed his mind at the last minute. He wrote in a diary he wanted “to do something bold and dramatic, forceful & dynamic, a statement of my manhood for the world to see.” Bremer was sentenced to 53 years in prison. with good behavior, he could be released in 2015.
1974: Mr. & Mrs. Frank Zappa announced the birth of their third child, Ahmet Rodan. He was named after a Japanese movie monster who lived on a diet of 707 jets.
1978: Country singer Willie Nelson released Stardust, an album of pop songs. The LP stayed on the music charts for 10 years and sold over 5-million copies.
1982: 27-year-old Ricky Skaggs joined the Grand Ole Opry. He had played mandolin and sung on the Flatt & Scruggs TV show at age 7. (In 1984, 24-year-old Lorrie Morgan became the youngest artist to join the Opry.)
1988: The #1 selling non-fiction book on the New York Times list was Michael Jackson’s autobiography, Moonwalker.
1990: A Pittsburgh man sued his insurance company for canceling his health insurance after confusing his medical history with that of his dog. ***You’d think getting a file with the patient’s name of “Fido” would be a clue.
1992: In New York, a portion of Cruger Avenue in the Bronx was renamed Regis Philbin Avenue.
1994: Actor Gilbert Roland died at age 88. His career stretched from silent movies to his final appearance in the 1982 Willie Nelson film Barbarosa. On television he was The Cisco Kid. ***The series was so popular that this fall a spin-off series starring Pauly Shore will hit the airwaves called The Crisco Kid.
1997: U.S. health officials approved the first nicotine-free anti-smoking drug, Zyban, which worked on chemicals in the brain that control addiction.
2003: Country musician-comic June Carter Cash died at age 73.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1265: Poet and politician Dante Alighieri, author of “The Divine Comedy,” is born in Florence, Italy. Dante finished the epic poem just before his death, and it was quickly recognized as brilliant. His epitaph begins: “Dante the theologian, skilled in every branch of knowledge that philosophy may cherish in her illustrious bosom”
1525: Radical reformer Thomas Munzer and his followers are killed in the Battle of Frankenhausen. Though many of his beliefs were rejected by later, nonviolent Anabaptists, his emphasis on suffering discipleship, his rejection of infant baptism, and his call for judgment of the church became key teachings in the movement.
1948: Father Edward Flanagan, founder of the U.S. Home for Homeless Boys (later called Boys Town) in Omaha, Nebraska, dies. “There is no such thing as a bad boy.”
1967: Tennessee throws out its “monkey law” against the teaching of evolution which had led to the Scopes trial.
1972: US Supreme court decision says the Amish can’t be forced to attend public schools against their religious conviction.
1984: American evangelical Francis A. Schaeffer dies in Rochester, Minnesota. Many of his books, which include The God Who is There (1968) and How Should We Then Live (1976), argue that moral relativity is responsible for social ills.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (Meadow on “The Sopranos”) Jamie-Lynn DiScala 37 (audio clip)
actor (“Melrose Place,” “Baywatch”) David Charvet 46 (audio clip)
actor-writer (The Usual Suspects, Faithful, Analyze That) Chazz Palminteri 67
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1918 : Eddy Arnold
1937 : Trini Lopez
1939 : Lenny Welch
1942 : K.T. Oslin
1947 : Graham Goble (Little River Band)
1948 : Gary Thain (Uriah Heep)
1951 : Dennis Fredericksen (Toto)
1953 : Mike Oldfield
1970 : Prince Be (PM Dawn)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Is it true that you shouldn’t go swimming for at least an hour after eating?
According to my mother, when we were at the beach, if the interval between sandwich and salt water were anything less than 90 minutes, it would be cramps and a watery grave for me. Mom, are you listening? There’s no scientific backing for this belief! Cramps from swimming after eating are rare and are not statistically significant in drownings. You can go in right after eating. Of course you wouldn’t want to do anything strenuous in the water right after a meal, just as you wouldn’t on land. Otherwise, to your repertoire of Australian crawl, backstroke, and dog paddle, you will add the upchuck. There is no scientific evidence proving that swimming and eating produce cramps. Muscle cramps are caused by fatigue and chilling and have nothing to do with digestion or with the body focusing its energies on digestion and drawing blood away from the muscles. Long-distance swimmers will actually eat while in the water to avoid fatigue (and, thus, muscle cramps).
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
The new Prime Minister of Malaysia is 92-years-old. ***Well, I guess that’s one way to enforce term limits.
Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. ***Not real friends though. This would be for people who are kind of your acquaintances or just an acquaintance of an acquaintance whom you don’t mind seeing pics of your baby or what you’re having for dinner that night their news feed. Real friends already have your phone number.
A new study on domestic partners found that women spend more time doing chores than men. ***This report from the Center For Studying The Obvious.
The Los Angeles Police Department say its investigating a burglary during which it believes the costume from the first “Iron Man” film was taken. ***Couldn’t they just ask Jarvis where it is?
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s royal wedding is this Saturday. ***I can only assume my invitation is lost in the mail somewhere.
FOX has dropped the ax on “Brooklyn 9-9”, “The Last Man on Earth” and “The Mick!” But it also announced that they are bringing back Tim Allen’s canceled ABC series, “Last Man Standing.” And NBC chimed in by saying they’ll carry season six of “Brooklyn 9-9.” ***I’ll bet stuff like this tempts the workers at TV Guide to picket for better working conditions.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A new study shows that more and more Americans are taking laptop computers and tablets on vacation with them in order to get ahead on work-related projects. ***But they make up the difference by goofing off more at work.
Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany say our ancestors had the same odds of dying at age 30 as men today face at age 72. The most advances in longevity have actually been made in the past 100 years. However, living longer does have at least one downside: Money. Making our savings last through a 30-year retirement is difficult at best and impossible at worst. Governments worldwide are not prepared to make up the difference. The International Money Fund reported in 2012 that if the average life span increased just three years by 2050, the cost of aging would increase by 50 percent. Add that to the news that NASA had possibly created a reverse-aging pill to give to Mars astronauts for the long trip, and what happens once that hits the commercial market?!?!
If you are thinking of quitting smoking, it is probably Monday. Researchers monitored Google searches for five years and almost every week, searches about kicking the habit peaked on Mondays. ***Of course, Mondays are also the most stressful day of the week, which is exactly when you feel you need a cigarette.
Children aged four and under who get less than 10 hours of sleep a night are nearly twice as likely to be overweight or obese five years later, according to researchers from the University of California and University of Washington in Seattle. According to the National Sleep Foundation, toddlers aged 1 to 3 years old should sleep for 12 to 14 hours a night; preschoolers, aged 3 to 5 years old, should sleep 11 to 13 hours, and 5- to 10-year-olds should get 10 to 11 hours. Teens should get 8.5 to 9.25 hours of sleep nightly. ***In other words, sloth is good for you.
California is raising the minimum wage to $15-an-hour by the year 2022. ***Which, by then might actually buy you a quarter pounder with cheese.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Gruffy Bear, after breaking his promise to Sully numerous times to play checkers with him, finally showed up on Sully’s door… ashamed of how he’d been acting. But Sully already had plans to play checkers with Nozzles the elephant. And that leaves Gruffy with no one…
CLOSE: Now that’s what forgiveness… and friendship… is all about. Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
The saying goes, “you get what you pay for.” That is, unless you are Washington D.C., where you don’t.
From that hotbed of wisdom and financial responsibility that is Washington DC, comes word that the District of Columbia paid $10 million three years ago for several streetcars made in the Czech Republic. Three years later those streetcars are still in the Czech Republic. That’s because DC has yet to build tracks for the cars and there is no timetable for when a rail line will be built.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DENTIST IS OUT TO HURT YOU
10. How is he supposed to fill my cavity with all this duct-tape on my mouth?
9. He routinely carves the date and time of your follow-up appointment into your left arm.
8. He required thirty-seven x-rays of your teeth…and the lead apron he normally covers his patients with is “at the cleaners”.
7. Your jaw doesn’t have room to accommodate your wisdom teeth, so he suggests making a few dozen apointments to remove all of the others so they’ll have room.
6. Notches cut into the drill handle.
5. After jamming the 6-inch needle into your jaw he responds, “No, that wasn’t the novocaine — I’m just warming up.”
4. Insists on playing his “Soothing Sounds of the Rainforest” CD as an alternative to novacaine.
3. It’s not the coke bottle glasses or the blood stained smock – it’s the necklace make from human teeth.
2. He adjusts the chair so it’s comfortable, but the arm, leg, and head restraints are a little tight….
1. Forget the drill, he uses a screwdriver
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Two crooks are foiled by a fishbowl!
FILE #1: Two men attempting to rob a Winnipeg restaurant were forced to retreat when they were attacked by angry patrons. Police said the robbery went awry when one of the thieves got into a scuffle with a 74-year-old waiter. That’s when customers jumped in to help in any way they could, including a man who smashed a fish bowl over the head of one of the crooks. The robbers left without any cash, but are still on the run.
FILE #2: In Manchester, England, three armed gang members burst into a crowded gym, punched a rival gang member and threatened him with a sub-machinegun in front of shocked onlookers. It might have gone a lot more smoothly for the gang bangers if it weren’t for the uniformed police officers next room giving a talk on the dangers of gun crime. They called in an armed response unit, who caught the punks after a brief chase.
FILE #3: Airport security guards in Tampa busted illegal Peruvian immigrant Maria Riano after she had approached a Continental Airlines counter to buy a ticket to Newark, with eight bulging duffel bags behind her. Apparently new at the smuggling game, Riano froze on the standard airline-traveler question, “Did you pack your own bags?” When she snapped, “Why do you need to know that?” airport security was summoned and found about $25,000 worth of shoplifted upscale clothing in the duffel bags.
STRANGE LAW: In Texas it is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
One 26-year-old Greenfield, Wisconsin, mom has taken herself out of the running for the Mother of the Year award.
This is probably one of the most disturbing stories we’ve ever had in the “Brain on Drugs” segment. I read this and about hit the ceiling I got so mad. This (lucky for her) unnamed mom was busted at a restaurant for smoking. Actually, mom wasn’t the one smoking – it was her 2-year-old son. The boy’s aunt was also there and she told police that the boy often says “smoke, smoke” and sometimes takes cigarettes out of the pack and puts them in his mouth. But even worse, the aunt said mom also keeps a rolled up dollar bill in the bedroom, which her son plays with. By playing with it, she meant that he holds it up to his nose and says, “fix, fix” over and over again. Some people just shouldn’t be parents.
If you could replay the greatest moment in your life, what would that moment be?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was struck dumb by the Lord and was then only able to speak when the Lord gave him something to say?
ANSWER: Ezekiel (Ezekiel 3:25-27)
QUESTION: On average, how much longer do right-handed people live than left-handed people?
ANSWER: Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. ***MARLAR: Left-handed people die sooner, possibly due to right-handed scissors accidents.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The average dinosaur lived to be over 100 years old. (True)
2. Dale Evans’ horse was named Joey. (False, Buttermilk)
3. The British title of nobility that is the “highest” is Duke. (True)
4. If we refer to some as freestone and others as clingstone, we are talking about Grapes. (False, Peaches)
5. Geico insurance company claims you’re in good hands with them. (False, Allstate does)
6. If lovers are said to be “star-crossed,” their relationship is Doomed. (True)
7. The group known as PETA is against the abuse of Alcohol. (False, Animals)
8. The term “Impressionism” was prompted by an 1872 painting by Ben Franklin. (False, Claude Monet)
9. Serotonin is a powerful vasoconstrictor found in blood serum. (True)
10. The first fast-food chain was McDonalds. (False, White Castle)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
DWARF _______ (EMPIRE)
A Dwarf Empire has formed in China – and they are preparing a fight to secede and form their own country.
Dwarves from all over China have come to Kunming in the southwestern part of the country. Their mission: to form a Dwarf Empire and – conquer the world.
In the meantime, they have to make a living… SO, twice a day the dwarves perform a variety show, including acrobatics, sports, singing and dancing – all for tourists.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A member of the U.S. Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. “OK,” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.
“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.
“Wow! Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean, much impressed.
“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a little boy’s ear, the doctor asked him, “Is this your nose?”
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mom, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”
California leads all U.S. states in the number of turkeys raised. ***And some of them, it seems, may have participated in formulating the state’s energy policies.
There may be as many chickens in the world as there are people. ***We don’t know for sure though because chickens have a poor response rate when it comes to the census.
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, “Get out of the car and open the trunk!”
The American replied, “I’m sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can’t take my foot off the brake or it’ll roll back down the hill.”
So the Russian says, “Do you take me for a FOOL?!” as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. “Now, go and open the trunk!”
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. “Now”, shouts the Russian from inside the car, “Is there any contraband in there?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
How bad was your worst day? Poor Justin Hill probably has you beat.
Justin Hill was turning into the driveway of his home in Rock Island, Tennessee. Unfortunately that turn took him into the path of an oncoming vehicle. When his wife heard the crash, she left the dinner cooking on the stove unattended and ran out of their trailer to see what happened. As Justin was being taken to the hospital, he watched as his dinner and home went up in flames. The day got even worse for Justin as he was ticketed in the accident for failure to yield.
Some may think spending the day with a child is doing ‘nothing much.’ Here’s why it’s the most important thing in the world. –By Tonna Canfield
After eating breakfast, my little girl says, “Mommy, will you watch this show with me?” I look at the breakfast dishes in the sink and then at her big brown eyes.
“Okay,” I say, and we snuggle together on the couch and watch her favorite show.
After the show, we put together a puzzle and I head for the kitchen to wash those dirty dishes when the phone rings. “Hi,” my friend says, “What have you been doing?”
“Well,” I say, “watching my little one’s favorite show with her and putting together a puzzle.”
“Oh,” she says, “so you’re not busy today.”
No, I think to myself, just busy making memories.
After lunch, Erica says, “Mommy, please play a game with me.” Now I am looking at not only the breakfast dishes but also the lunch dishes piled in the sink. But again, I look at those big brown eyes and I remember how special it felt when my mom played games with me when I was a little girl.
“Sounds like fun,” I answer, “but just one game.” We play her favorite game, and I can tell she is delighting in every moment.
When the game ends, she says, “Please read me a story.”
“Okay,” I say, “but just one.”
After reading her favorite story, I head for the kitchen to tackle those dishes. With the dishes now done, I start to fix supper. My willing little helper comes eagerly to the kitchen to help me with my task. I’m running behind and thinking about how much faster I could do this if my sweet little one would just go play or watch a video, but her willingness to help and her eagerness to learn how to do what her mommy is doing melts my heart, and I say, “Okay, you can help,” knowing it will probably take twice as long.
As supper is about ready, my husband comes home from work and asks, “What did you do today?”
I answer, “Let’s see, we watched her favorite show and we played a game and read a book. I did the dishes and vacuumed; then with my little helper, I fixed supper.”
“Great,” he says, “I’m glad you didn’t have a busy day today.”
But I was busy, I think to myself, busy making memories.
After supper, Erica says, “Let’s bake cookies.”
“Okay,” I say, “let’s bake cookies.”
After baking cookies, once again I am staring at a mountain of dishes from supper and cookie baking, but with the smell of warm cookies consuming the house, I pour us a glass of cold milk and fill a plate with warm cookies and take them to the table. We gather around the table eating cookies, drinking milk, talking and making memories.
No sooner have I tackled those dishes than my little sweetie comes tugging at my shirt, saying, “Could we take a walk?”
“Okay,” I say, “let’s take a walk.” The second time around the block I’m thinking about the mountain of laundry that I need to get started on and the dust encompassing our home; but I feel the warmth of her hand in mine and the sweetness of our conversation as she enjoys my undivided attention, and I decide at least once more around the block sounds like a good idea.
When we get home, my husband asks, “Where have you been?”
“We’ve been making memories,” I say.
A load in the wash and, my little girl all bathed and in her gown, the tiredness begins to creep in as she says, “Let’s fix each other’s hair.”
I’m so tired! my mind is saying, but I hear my mouth saying, “Okay, let’s brush each other’s hair.” With that task complete, she jumps up excitedly, “Let’s paint each other’s nails! Please!” So she paints my toenails, and I paint her fingernails, and we read a book while waiting for our nails to dry. I have to turn the pages, of course, because her fingernails are still drying.
We put away the book and say our prayers. My husband peeks his head in the door, “What are my girls doing?” he asks.
“Making memories,” I answer.
“Mommy,” she says, “will you lay with me until I fall asleep?”
“Yes,” I say, but inside I’m thinking, I hope she falls asleep quickly so I can get up; I have so much to do.
About that time, two precious little arms encircle my neck as she whispers, “Mommy, nobody but God loves you as much as I do.” I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I thank God for the day we spent making memories.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
READ: Exodus 12:21-30
The Lord will . . . not allow the destroyer to come into your houses to strike you. —Exodus 12:23
My friends Deb and Bryce were invited by some Jewish friends to attend their seder dinner. This is a celebration held by Jewish families to commemorate the first Passover in Egypt (Exodus 12:24-27). The entire family becomes involved, including the little children.
Deb and Bryce expected a somber evening, but they discovered a joyous celebration. At the beginning of the meal, a piece of bread was halved. One half was shared by the guests; the other half was hidden by the youngest family member. All the adults searched for it, to the child’s delight. When the bread was not discovered, it was ransomed by the child amid great laughter. Then followed an evening of stories and songs, and the oft-repeated phrase: “L’Chayim! To life!”
Why not a joyous celebration? The Passover marks the deliverance of Israel from slavery and the “destroyer.”
The Passover meal Jesus and His disciples shared the night before His death was a celebration too, but with serious overtones. It signaled the beginning of the events that led to His sacrifice and our redemption from sin and Satan.
From spiritual slavery to spiritual freedom. From death to life. As we celebrate our deliverance, we too can say with joy to one another, “L’Chayim! To life!”
—David C. Egner
ISLAMIC DIVORCE NOT BINDING IN MARYLAND
The Maryland Court of Appeals ruled that saying, “I divorce thee” three times is not valid in Maryland. A World Bank economist who moved there from Pakistan in 1985 went to the Pakistan Embassy in D.C. and used the Islamic method to divorce his wife without telling her so he could keep her from getting any of his $2 million fortune. But the Court ruled that no matter where you’re from, in Maryland, saying, “I divorce thee” three times isn’t enough.
LIFE… LIVE IT
There is one small glimmer of good news with the high gas prices.
People who bought one of those hybrids are recouping the higher cost of the vehicle in less time. While projections for breaking even had been around five years, rising gas prices have driven that down to two or three years. On the downside, increased demand for the hybrids is driving up their prices. Of course, not all hybrids are created economically equal. At current fuel prices, the Toyota Highlander hybrid takes 12.7 years to break even and the Saturn Aura takes 24.3 years. But those don’t top the list. The $106,000 Lexus LS600h hybrid, compared with the gasoline version will take you 102.6 years.
JUST FOR FUN
Want to stop unauthorized people from parking in handicapped spaces? Embarrass them! In one English town, people who park without a permit in handicapped parking spaces will be asked to move their cars or face the consequences of getting a ticket. But it won’t be a person telling them to do it… it will be the parking meter! It’s a special parking meter that senses when a car has arrived in the space. Once you’ve parked in the handicapped space and open your door, you’ll hear: “Welcome to Stockport Town Hall. Please note that you are parked in a disabled parking space and must be able to display a relevant badge. If you do not display a relevant badge, you will receive a parking ticket. These conditions apply 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The idea is to make the person parking there feel really uncomfortable if they’re not handicapped. ***MARLAR: We need one of these things at the grocery store in the “Ten Items or Less” line!
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU’RE PULLED OVER
Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!
Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Aren’t you one of the Village People?
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
THINGS EVERY MOM SHOULD HAVE IN THE CAR
Snacks: Yes, snacks – the culprit to the crumbs that never disappear. Which would you rather have though…crumbs or hungry, crying children?
Spray Bottle: One mother said she uses a spray bottle to squirt her kids when they are fighting. It shocks them and they hate it. That’s funny.
Water: It’s always nice to have water handy, especially when rushing off to soccer games or other activities. Not to mention how much you may consume just sitting in the car.
Emergency Kit: This is a great item that may be easily overlooked. But one that would be essential if stranded somewhere. Flashlights, batteries and extra clothes could really come in handy in a sticky situation.
Hand Sanitizer: One mother said that as soon as her kids get in the car from school, the first thing they do is de-germ. She has this sitting in her console to help fight the bugs.
Baby Wipes: Whether you have a baby or not, baby wipes can help out when you hear “Mom! I just spilled!” These are instant, handy seat-washers and sticky-finger-fixers.
Music: Kids love music and most moms agreed that music is a must. Bring music thatwon’t make you, as an adult, go crazy
Trash Bags: Wipes, tissues, half-eaten snacks and wrappers need a home, unless you want them shoved down the seat belt hole. A trash helps contain the mess. There are several that are tailored for cars.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
More than half of cell phone users believe it is OK to take a call during the a wedding ceremony, according to a poll by mobile company Vodafone. Believe it or not, 51 percent think that gossip, business or whatever trumps giving their full attention to the bride and groom’s holy moment. As further proof of the insidious nature of cell phones, 54 percent would answer a call while dining out and 33 percent could not resist answering even while being intimate with their spouse.
“Do what I say and not what I do” isn’t the best parenting role model for toddlers or teens. And teens have noticed that while their parents tell them not to talk on their phones or text while driving, their parents are doing just that when they’re behind the wheel — even though it’s illegal in many states. According to a State Farm survey of 517 pairs of new teen drivers and their parents, more than half of teens say their parents’ use of a phone while driving is nothing new. In fact, it’s been happening for years. In the survey, 54% of teens say they’ve seen their parents use a phone while driving either “sometimes, often or all the time.” In addition, 43% of parents admit they’ve done just that either “sometimes, often or all the time” when they’ve been the driver with teenage passengers in the car.
Close the book. Turn off the TV. You need to go to bed, turn off the light and sleep. Losing sleep does more than make you foggy the next day. It can cause a permanent loss of brain cells. And not just a few. A consistent lack of sleep can result in the irreversible loss of as much as 25 percent of brain cells, according to researchers at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and collaborators from Peking University. The study found that regularly getting the proper amount of sleep is critically important to your continued good health. And while you can get away with occasionally staying up too late, doing this repeatedly will take its toll with irreversible damage. And sleeping long hours on the weekend won’t fix it.
Smiling adds years to your face. Grinning, smiling and laughing add wrinkles around your eyes, so much so that it can make you look as much as two years older than your chronological age. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Western Ontario in Canada, who also found good news: A surprised expression smooths those wrinkles. A study found smiling increased the wrinkles around the eyes, which made people look older, but those who had a surprised look, which smooths wrinkles, looked younger. But there’s a twist, and it’s a big one: Later, when the study volunteers were asked what they remembered about the photos, they erroneously recalled that the younger-looking people were those who were smiling. They were completely blind to the fact they had ‘aged’ the happy-looking faces. Their perceptions and their beliefs were polar opposites. It may seem counterintuitive, but the study shows that people can sincerely believe one thing and then behave in a completely different way.
If you want to stay healthy and not get a cold, the flu or even pneumonia, your best protection is a good night’s sleep. And the opposite is also true. Sleep too little and you put your body at a far higher risk of getting an infection, reports HealthDay News of research from the University of California, San Francisco. Led by psychologist Aric Prather, the study examined data from the large U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination surveys (NHANES) that were conducted from 2005 to 2012, specifically looking at the records of nearly 23,000 men and women with an average age of 46. The study volunteers reported how long they slept, whether they had sleep problems or sleep disorders and whether they had a cold or other infection such as the flu, pneumonia or an ear infection in the previous month.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Remember televangelist Jim Bakker of “Jim and Tammy Faye” fame? He’s at it again. Baker, now 78, says that if you want to survive the end of days, the best thing you could do is buy one of his cabins in Missouri’s Ozark Mountains. And while you’re at it, be sure to pick up six 28-ounce “Extreme Survival Warfare” water bottles for $150. Baker made the comments promoting his Morningside church community alongside his co-host and wife, Lori, on an episode of “The Jim Bakker Show,” which is filmed near Branson, MO because – well of course it is! In the 70s and 80s Bakker gained fame hosting the evangelical Christian TV program “The PTL Club,” well until 1987, when his empire came crashing down amid a sex scandal and charges of fraud. (The Belleville News-Democrat)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“My uncle had a rabbit’s foot for thirty years. His other foot was quite normal.” –Tom Griffin
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 11, 2018…
Life Of The Party—Melissa McCarthy is the star of this film which is about a woman who doesn’t know what to do when her husband leaves her. Her daughter is in college, so why not join her and earn a degree, too? Though it seems like a good plan, it doesn’t always work out with class schedules, daughter’s friends and just becoming adjusted to something new. Also, in the cast are Maya Rudolph, Molly Gordon and Gillian Jacobs. “Life Of The Party” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Breaking In—This is a thriller that involves trying to break into a top-secure building to rescue hostages, especially if they are family. Gabrielle Union stars as the women determined to do the impossible. Also, in the cast are Billy Burke and Richard Cabral. “Breaking In” is rated R. No rating.
Terminal-–A story that weaves around several characters including a crook planning a robbery, a woman with various personas and revenge. The cast includes Max Irons, Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya,”) Dexter Fletcher, and Simon Pegg. Directed by Vaughn Stein. “Terminal” is rated R. No rating.
Assassins Code—Another crime film and this one is about a detective who is trying to solve a murder, and suddenly there is someone to help him—a ghost. Stars Justin Chatwin and Peter Stormare. “Assassins Code” is rated R. No rating.
Tully (opening in select cities) —This film concerns a middle-age woman (Charlize Theron) who has just too many things to do in a day. Sound familiar? Enter a young woman (Mackenzie Davis) who works nights and then the two women talk and begin to understand each other. “Tully” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Seagull (opening in select cities) —Annette Bening again takes on an historical role, this time it is Irina Arkadina from Anton Chekhov’s play, “The Seagull.” The story centers on a mature actress (Bening) who is vacationing by a lake with her young boyfriend (Corey Stoll.) Here comes a younger actress (Saoirse Ronan) who is the girlfriend of Bening’s son (Billy Howle.) The son has written a play. Things start getting interesting and involve jealousy. Brian Dennehy is also in the cast. “The Seagull” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.
MAY 18, 2018…
Untitled Deadpool Sequel has no title, as such, and again stars Ryan Reynolds. Need I say more?
Show Dogs is a film about a police dog going undercover. You read that right. Stars Will Arnett.
Pope Francis–A Man Of His Word is a documentary on the Pope.
Book Club is about women who find interesting books and friends with similar interests. Stars Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.