May 16, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150516

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW). We may not be the biggest radio show, and we may not be the best. But we have more nifty slogans than the other guys — and surely that counts for something.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20

 

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. — Ecclesiastes 11:5

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

From infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. — 2 Timothy 3:15

 

Thought: From infancy! If you had a godly mom that brought you into the world surrounded by faith in Jesus, stories from the Bible, and lullabies of faith, then praise God and thank her. If you didn’t, then make a commitment that your children and your grandchildren will be given this head start in life. Yes, personal faith will be won in adolescence or adulthood, but beginning in infancy is such a blessing. To fill a child’s world with love and hope and promise because of Jesus is the greatest gift a parent can give!

 

Prayer: Holy and attentive Father, I thank you for the incredible gift of believing parents. I pray that more of us who do believe will be active in sharing our faith with our children. Please make my family and my life a place where children and grandchildren can find it easy to believe and safe to rejoice in Jesus. In his precious name I praise and thank you. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 5:16 NIV = In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – MAY 16, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 224 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

NATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: That’s it? They just tell us it’s Effectiveness Week but nothing more specific?  Doesn’t seem all that effective, does it?

 

Today is SING “ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT” IN ROUNDS DAY. ***MARLAR: You might want to try it at the office to impress your boss. We’d try it here at the station, but no one, including myself, can carry a note in a bucket.

 

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF A VOTE THAT TOOK PLACE IN WILLIAMSTOWN, MASSACHUSETTS. In 1996, the town voted 165-138 to end the 200-year-old tradition of opening the town’s annual meeting with a prayer. The ironic thing is that, even though they voted to ban the opening prayer, they took time before the vote to pray for guidance and wisdom regarding whether or not they should ban the prayer. That’s actually dumber than if they’d sung “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Do Dah Day

National Piercing Day

Armed Forces Day

Biographer’s Day

Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

National Learn to Swim Day

Mimosa Day

National Sea Monkey Day

Preakness

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, MAY 17

Bay to Breakers Race (Oldest Footrace in America)

Morel Mushroom Day (Weekend after Mother’s Day)

Neighbor Day

World Hypertension Day

World Information Society Day

World Telecommunications Day

World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

 

MONDAY, MAY 18

HIV Vaccine Awareness Day

I Love Reeses Day

International Museum Day

Mother Whistler Day

Visit your Relatives Day

Accountant’s Day / Accounting Day

 

TUESDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day

May Ray Day

National Hepatitis Testing Day

National Museum Day

National Asian & Pacific Islander, HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20

Eliza Doolittle Day

Emergency Medical Services for Children Day

National Employee Health and Fitness Day

Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

Weights & Measures Day

 

THURSDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day

End of the World / Rapture Party Day (prediction)

Hummus Day

I Need a Patch For That Day

National Wait Staff Day

One Day Without Shoes Day

Red Nose Day

Sister Maria Hummel Day

World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development

 

FRIDAY, MAY 22

Canadian Immigrants Day

Don’t Fry Day

Harvey Milk Day

National Maritime Day

National Title Track Day

World Goth Day

Heat Awareness Safety Day

National Wig Out Day

 

SATURDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula

International Jazz Day

Julia Pierpont Day

Declaration of the Bab Day

National Heritage Breeds Day

National Polka Day

National Taffy Day

World Crohn’s and Colitis Day

World Turtle Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

218: Speaking of being ineffective (see today’s Weird Holidays), Heliogabalus became Emperor of Rome. He was a terrible ruler. He appointed his hairstylist the Attorney General, and made his mother the Sun God! ***MARLAR: Fortunately, no one could pronounce his name to rebuke him.

 

1770: Fourteen-year-old Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis VI of France who was 15.

 

1831: David Hughes was born in London. David invented the microphone. ***MARLAR: If he hadn’t done that, this story would sound something like this: (yelling) “DAVID HUGHES WAS BORN IN LONDON ON THIS DAY IN 1831! DAVID DIDN’T INVENT DIDDLYSQUAT!”

 

1904: The automohorse was patented. The first autos tended to scare horses, so this ingenious invention was an automobile that looked like a horse.

 

1965: The Beach Boys sang their hit “Help Me, Rhonda” on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

 

1985: Michael Jordan was named NBA Rookie of the Year. He had been drafted #3 by Chicago. In the 1984 draft, Houston took Akeem Olajuwon at #1, Portland drafted Sam Bowie #2. Dallas took Sam Perkins #4, Philadelphia got Charles Barkley at #5. Utah finally grabbed lowly Gonzaga’s John Stockton at #16.

 

1985: Columbia Records presented a $6.5-million check to USA For Africa, royalty earned in only two months by the single “We Are the World.” Singer Harry Belefonte was credited as the original pusher for artists to help raise money for the starving in Africa.

 

1988: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police can search your garbage without a warrant if they suspect criminal activity.

 

1989: The Vatican condemned pornography and violence in films, specifically mentioning King Fu movies. ***MARLAR: It took the Vatican until 1989 to condemn pornography? What was the debate THERE?!?

 

1991: Fourteen Stanford University students started leapfrogging. They stopped 10 days and 999.2 miles later with a Guinness world record. ***MARLAR: They were trying for a thousand miles, but had to quit when half of them were run over in the highway or eaten by alligators that looked like logs.

 

1992: Weird Al Yankovic’s “Smell Like Nirvana” peaked at #35 in the U.S.

 

1996: Residents of Williamstown, Massachusetts, voted 165-138 to end their 200-year tradition of opening the annual town meeting with a prayer. Before they voted, they prayed.

 

1999: Near Somerset, England, a rookie bull named President suffering from nervous exhaustion brought on by having to service 80 cows was treated with acupuncture to cure the stress. Dairy farmer Richard Clothier said using drugs would endanger his farm’s organic status. The acupuncture worked and helped President relax.

 

2000: The New York Democratic Party nominated First Lady Hillary Clinton for the U.S. Senate, making her the first First Lady to run for public office..

 

2005: Sony introduced three new styles of its PlayStation 3 video game machine.

 

2007: Twenty-two-year-old Evonne D. Maurice pleaded guilty in federal court to trying to rob a Rhode Island bank at a drive-up window while traveling in a hired limousine. She told the driver she needed to withdraw cash from a branch bank to pay for the ride. Then she handed the teller an envelope with a note demanding money. The teller triggered an alarm. Police said the driver was unaware of the robbery attempt. Maurice was sentenced to 37 months in prison for two other Connecticut bank robberies after police found her working at a Hooters in Florida.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

583: Brendan the Navigator, founder of a Celtic monastery in Clonfert, Ireland, dies. Some Irish scholars have asserted that Brendan was among the first Europeans to reach America, nine centuries before Columbus.

 

1569: Dirk Willem, Anabaptist, is burned at the stake, captured only because he turned to save a pursuer who had fallen through the ice that Willem was fleeing over. The very man he rescued took him captive.

 

1805: Henry Martyn, a well-educated Englishman, arrives in India to aid William Carey with translation work.

 

1835: A few men meet in David Nasmith’s little home to found the London City Mission. Nasmith had already founded the world’s first city mission in Glasgow nine years earlier.

 

1945: Death of G. Campbell Morgan, one of the great expositors of the Bible. He began to preach at thirteen, but his faith faltered in face of materialism. For years he neglected his Bible. Then a change occurred. “I bought a new Bible and began to read it with an open mind and a determined will. That Bible found me. The Book gave forth a glow which warmed my heart, and the Word of God which I read therein gave to my troubled soul the relief and satisfaction that I had sought for elsewhere. Since that time I have lived for one end–to preach the teachings of the Book that found me.”

 

1957: Harold Jackson and Joseph Brown sign an agreement to buy land for New Tribes Mission to create a boot camp in Australia to facilitate efforts to reach Papua New Guinea for Christ.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daughter-actress (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Tori Spelling 42 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Growing Pains”) Tracey Gold, 46 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Kids in the Hall,” Sky High, Pastor Dave on “That 70’s Show”) Kevin McDonald, 54 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Terms of Endearment, An Officer and a Gentleman) Debra Winger, 60
  • actor (“Remington Steele,” Dante’s Peak, The Matador, and James Bond-007 in The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day, Tomorrow Never Dies, The November Man) Pierce Brosnan 62 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Woody Herman

1919 : Liberace

1929 : Betty Carter

1932 : Isaac “Red” Holt (Young-Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1935 : Corinthian “Kripp” Johnson (The Dell-Vikings)

1939 : Pervis Jackson (The Spinners)

1945 : Nicky Chinn

1946 : Roger Earl (Foghat, Savoy Brown)

1946 : Robert Fripp (King Crimson)

1946 : Billy Cobham

1947 : Darrel Sweet (Nazareth)

1947 : Barbara Lee (The Chiffons)

1949 : William Spooner (Grateful Dead)

1951 : Jonathan Richman (The Modern Lovers)

1953 : Richard Page (Mr. Mister)

1955 : Hazel O’Connor

1965 : Krist Novoselic (Nirvana)

1966 : Janet Jackson (Janet Damita Jo Jackson)

1968 : Ralph Tresvant (New Edition)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn’t touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. So how did the hot dog get its strange name? Good question. The hot dog was originally called “frankfurter” after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it “dachshund sausage,” because it looked like the long, thin dog. In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot.” Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling “Get your hot dogs!” at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Mat Kearney says he’s been working on increasing his vocal range and it’s really paying off. Matt shared a short video on Instagram using electronic enhancement to give his voice a chipmunk sound.

 

A question from Kutless member James Mead.: Are giraffes really tall goats?

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says he learned a valuable lesson from his Bonsai tree. He shared on facebook that any tree can be a bonsai tree. You just plant it in a small pot and then prune it every time it tries to grow. Mark says the same applies to our lives. He says the enemy will use storms and hardships to convince you that you will never be stronger then you are right now. Mark says you can only grow strong when you stop listening to the wrong voices.

 

Jamie Grace enjoys a wide variety of foods. She tweeted: dear future husband. I LOVE kale. I LOVE salad. I LOVE fruit. but I love chili cheese fries and I ain’t close to ashamed about it.

 

Jodi and Chris, from the group Love and The Outcome, are back in the studio this week working on record number two. But they haven’t forgotten the important things in life. Jodi and Chris shared a picture this week while on a quick taco break between sessions.

 

Jamie Grace has gone 23 years without ever tasting cream cheese. She tweeted this week: I just had cream cheese for the first time. My mind is blown at how fantastic it is!

 

Kutless member James Mead is a fan of the cooking show Chopped on the Food Network. He tweeted this week: I just gave myself 30 minutes, with a pretty odd assortment of “basket ingredients,” and made delicious soup!

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

South African cyclist hits dead buffalo in city suburb
JOHANNESBURG (AP) — Cyclists in South Africa’s biggest city usually worry about getting hit by vehicles. But one cyclist rode into an unexpected obstacle in Johannesburg’s suburbs: a dead buffalo. Andrew McLean said Friday that he suffered a damaged ligament on his collarbone and a broken…

 

A nail in the eye, a lucky landscaper left without a scratch    photo
There must have been a four-leaf clover in those weeds. A 27-year-old landscaper escaped with barely a scratch after a nearly 3-inch nail hurtled into his eye when he accidentally hit it with a weed-whacker. Doctors who removed the nail at Boston’s Massachusetts General Hospital describe the case…
Lawmakers try to de-bat chamber as interloper halts debate
MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — The Vermont Statehouse chamber was evacuated after a brown bat flew in to join the state’s lawmakers. HASH(0x1401910) The bat flew around in circles several times before House Speaker Shap Smith called a 10-minute recess. House leadership hoped the bat would eventually…
Michigan couple: Name for son No. 13 still up in air    photo
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan man whose 13th son was just born says he’s convinced that “medically, it’s just not possible” for him and his wife to produce a daughter. He also says it’s proving a challenge to agree on a name for their newborn. HASH(0x142f290) The baby and 40-year-old…
Skunk, groundhog blamed for vandalism at Maine cemetery
ROXBURY, Maine (AP) — A couple of varmint vandals are hitting a small western Maine town hard. A skunk and a groundhog have caused damage to three flat stone markers at a cemetery in Roxbury, a town with a population of fewer than 400 residents. HASH(0x140f7c0) The town hired a trapper to…
Police: Gun found in hollowed-out Bible at suspect’s home
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (AP) — Massachusetts police executing a search warrant at a drug suspect’s home say they found a gun inside a hollowed-out Bible on his nightstand. Police say an officer involved in Wednesday night’s raid in Springfield opened the Bible and found the pages had been cut out…
Workers find part of 19th century gravestone in Ohio dorm
GRANVILLE, Ohio (AP) — Workers cleaning out a Dennison University dorm in central Ohio found a more than the usual assortment of notebooks and pencils left over from the semester. HASH(0x1396de0) Now, police are looking to find its original resting place. The stone has no name on it….
Pranksters plant tree at Ohio park – in baseball infield
FRANKLIN, Ohio (AP) — Suspected pranksters have caused a stir by planting a tree at a southwest Ohio park in a particularly inconvenient spot: in the baseball field, smack between home plate and the pitcher’s mound. HASH(0x140d320) Officials with Franklin City Schools are trying to determine…
Indiana woman receives diploma 82 years after leaving school    photo
ANDERSON, Ind. (AP) — An Indiana woman who will turn 100 years old later this month has received her high school diploma more than eight decades after she originally was supposed to graduate. Lora Lois LeMond White Hardy received the certificate Tuesday evening at the Anderson Community…
Police: Man enraged by lack of mac ‘n cheese at rest stop
NEWBURG, Pa. (AP) — State police say a New York man became angry when he couldn’t get macaroni and cheese at a Pennsylvania Turnpike rest stop, then furious when the same restaurant was out of potatoes. Forty-seven-year-old Kevin Nelson, of Amsterdam, was cited for disorderly conduct…
Don’t let the slobber fool you, your dog could be a brainiac    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — When her muscles locked and left her unable to move or speak, Wallis Brozman was glad she had a genius for a service dog. Brozman, who has a movement disorder called dystonia, had taken her golden-Labrador retriever mix, Caspin, outside for a potty break without attaching…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Nigeria: 28 kids killed by lead poisoning from gold mining
LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) — Twenty-eight children have died from lead poisoning from illegal gold mining in a remote west-central village, Nigerian health officials said, while doctors still are treating thousands from an earlier outbreak. Dozens more children are sick in the Rafi area of Niger…

 

US court halts contentious law on contact lens price-fixing    photo
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — A federal appeals court has halted a new Utah law banning price-fixing for contact lenses that could have wide-ranging implications for the industry amid a fight between manufacturers and discount retailers. Lens maker Alcon Laboratories cheered the order Thursday. Along…
A food poisoning report with good news: Fewer E. coli cases    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Fewer Americans are getting sick from a nasty germ sometimes found in undercooked hamburgers, the government reported Thursday. The latest report card on food poisoning shows illnesses from a dangerous form of E. coli bacteria have fallen 20 percent in the last few years. That…
USDA creates new government certification for GMO-free    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Agriculture Department has developed a new government certification and labeling for foods that are free of genetically modified ingredients. USDA’s move comes as some consumer groups push for mandatory labeling of the genetically modified organisms, or GMOs. The…
Smokers have better luck quitting when own money wagered    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — When it comes to offering cash to get smokers to quit, more people go for the carrots than the stick — but the stick gets better results. In a study released Wednesday, smokers with $150 of their own money at stake were far more likely to quit than smokers who didn’t…
A nail in the eye, a lucky landscaper left without a scratch    photo
There must have been a four-leaf clover in those weeds. A 27-year-old landscaper escaped with barely a scratch after a nearly 3-inch nail hurtled into his eye when he accidentally hit it with a weed-whacker. Doctors who removed the nail at Boston’s Massachusetts General Hospital describe the case…
Study: Vitamin B3 may help prevent certain skin cancers
For the first time, a large study suggests that a vitamin might modestly lower the risk of the most common types of skin cancer in people with a history of these relatively harmless yet troublesome growths. In a study in Australia, people who took a specific type of vitamin B3 for a year had a 23…
AP Interview: Pelosi predicts GOP ruin on health care case    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi predicted Wednesday that Republicans will “rue the day” if the Supreme Court buys their arguments and invalidates tax subsidies for millions of people under President Barack Obama’s health care law. Republicans have said they will try to…
Dutch court clears man who helped his 99-year-old mother die
THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — A Dutch appeals court on Wednesday cleared a man of any criminal responsibility for helping his 99-year-old mother take her own life — a case that aimed to create precedents for assisting suicide in a country where euthanasia already is legal under certain…
INSIDE WASHINGTON: No fallout for congressional health plan    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — If the Supreme Court rules the way most Republicans want in the latest health overhaul case, GOP lawmakers who now have insurance coverage under President Barack Obama’s law might have some explaining to do. Members of Congress, staffers and dependents actually get their…
Report: Binge drinking by young people is increasing
PARIS (AP) — Alcohol consumption in wealthy, developed countries has declined over the past two decades but dangerous binge drinking has increased among the young, according to a new study released Tuesday. The 34-nation Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development says average…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bank Rates, Conflict of Interest”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Disneyland Burgers”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated at not being able to beat Steve Mozart at anything. So he decided that, no matter what it took, he’d find a way to beat Steve Mozart… at something. Anything. And it’s not going very well so far.

 

CLOSE: Poor Millard… will he ever find ANYTHING that he can do better than Mozart? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MAY 16/17, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were worried about not being able to get enough done in the day. They held seminars on time-management, made lists of things to do, tried to prioritize their chores in order of importance – they even got up an hour earlier each day just to have more time… but that wasn’t working either, because they just found more they had to do!

 

CLOSE: So now the animals are so busy that can’t even find a single day off to spend time together! How busy can animals get? We’ll find out how busy next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What exactly constitutes an “emergency” in your home?

A British family was not too clear on the concept of a “real emergency”. The family in Wolverhampton, England called the 9-9-9 emergency number (the equivalent to the American 9-1-1 number) in desperate need of help. But when paramedics arrived the family’s so-called emergency was that their television had broken! A spokesperson for the ambulance company rationalized that the distraught family didn’t realize the service (the 9-9-9 number) is usually reserved for fire, police or medical emergencies.

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS MAY IS AN EXCITING MONTH

 

  1. Coming Soon to a Nose Near You: Allergies!

 

  1. Three words – Correctional Officers Week

 

  1. Time saved writing May on checks makes up for February.

 

  1. Playing in traffic: fun… Playing in Indy 500 traffic: exhilarating!

 

  1. Because it is nearly done snowing in North Dakota!!!!

 

  1. Why, what greater thrill is there than prancing around a maypole!

 

  1. May flowers instead of April showers!

 

  1. The School year is almost over!

 

  1. It’s the shortest written month of the year….at least the lazy people are excited.

 

  1. The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Four Detroit carjackers thought they had found an easy mark when they spotted a woman stopped in her car.

 

FILE #1: They were wrong.  The men commandeered the vehicle, but they didn’t get far It turns out that the woman had a flat tire and was waiting for a tow truck. They jumped out of that car and took off in another vehicle, leading police on a chase. However, our friends soon crashed into a fence and hit part of a brick house and were arrested.

 

FILE #2: A New Jersey teenager’s prank almost got her parent’s in trouble. While traveling through Pennsylvania, the 15-year-old girl thought it would be funny to hold up a sign in the window for passing motorists to see that read: “HELP WE’RE BEING KIDNAPPED!” A driver saw the sign and reported it to police, who stopped the car and issued the citation before letting the family continue with the trip.

 

FILE #3: An Italian teenager on trial for robbery should’ve stopped before he got himself into more trouble! The young man, on trial for allegedly robbing a Madrid taxi driver said he has a solid alibi: On the night in question he said he was in another town picking pockets. Prosecutors say he could now spend 10 years in jail for the crimes.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Pocatello, Idaho, “It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation.”

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A would-be robber goes to rob a drug store… but calls on the way to say he’s coming to rob it!

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it. Police said Joshua Amell was arrested in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Ladies, what mistakes do guys make on that first date that guarantee you’ll never see him again? Expecting to go dutch? Not opening doors for you? Trying to get a kiss on the first date? Maybe showing up in t-shirt and dirty jeans? What’s a sure fire thing guys can do on a date that makes it a LAST date?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who saved her unwise husband from the wrath of David, and later married David after the death of that husband?
ANSWER: Abigail (1 Samuel 25)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was Snow White’s sister’s name?

ANSWER: Rose Red

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)

 

  1. Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)

 

  1. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)

 

  1. G.I. Joe first appeared in a TV show. (False, a comic strip)

 

  1. Stirlings, halifaxes and lancasters were all names of WWII bombers. (True)

 

  1. The King of England wore motley on his body and a coxcomb on his head. (False, The Court Jester)

 

  1. Camp Kommandant Col. Wilhelm Klink played the trumpet on TV’s “Hogan’s heroes.” (False, Violin)

 

  1. The Fox show in which two FBI agents investigate paranormal phenomena was known as “The X-Room”. (False, “The X-Files”)

 

  1. Kojak’s first name was Rick. (False, Theo)

 

  1. When he was only 10 years old, Jim Carey sent his resume to Carol Burnett! (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ENTIRE TOWN LOSES _________ (MEMORY)

Deep in the heart of the Midwest, residents of one picturesque town in Missouri feel as though they all have forgotten something: their entire lives.

BLOOMSDALE, Mo. — To most Americans, last Tuesday is fresh in their minds. They may have gone to a salon, seen a movie, had a typical day at work. But in Bloomsdale, no one remembers Tuesday. In fact, not one resident remembers anything about his or her whole life.

State authorities first suspected a hoax when they came across a town of confused and wandering individuals, not sure of where they lived or what they did for a living. Families seem to have no recollection of their relationships. Not even local police can be reached, because simply, nobody remembers which residents were officers.

Now, the state of Missouri has concluded that an entire town could never orchestrate a lie so complex, with such commitment from elderly, middle-aged and younger citizens. By now, authorities say, someone would have come forward with the truth or would have broken down from intensive police questioning. So, the only alternative, according to experts, is that these people are telling the truth, and something has robbed hundreds of their memories and their lives.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

 

JOKE #2

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

 

JOKE #3

A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?”

A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does.”

“When?” asked the visitor.

“Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”

The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”

“Well,” the rancher puffed up, “we got about half an inch that time.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Royal Caribbean has ordered a ship that fits 6400 passengers.  Some see inherent dangers in a cruise liner that big.  ***MARLAR: For one, Karaoke night will last that much longer.

 

A woman in northeastern Brazil has given birth to what one doctor called a “giant baby,” a boy weighing 16.7 pounds.  ***MARLAR: They plan on using an entire Toyota Prius as the baby’s first car seat.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PASTORS

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, four pastors went out for some time on the golf course.  After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be preachers by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one pastor replied. “Why?”

“Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf played with such clean language!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A FIELD TRIP TO REMEMBER

Remember when you used to go on field trips in school? We never had an opportunity to really do any good on those field trips… just observe whatever it was that we were going to see. Not so for Jessica Webster! This High School senior learned a lot more than she expected during a recent field trip. Her Hallock, Minnesota, business-law class made a trip to the courthouse to learn about the legal system. They were there to see a trial — but Jessica ended up in the middle of one. It seems the jury pool was short a person and Jessica was drafted. She met the minimum requirement of being 18 and a county resident. Jessica was selected to sit on a six-person jury. The judge says she should get an “A” for doing her civic duty.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ABC’s OF A FRUITFUL LIFE
A lways put God first in your life.
B e a true friend and you will have many friends.
C ount and thank God for your many blessings daily.
D iscipline yourself. Decide to make your life count.
E dify and encourage others consistently.
F ollow great leaders and then become one.
G ive liberally and joyfully of your time, talents and means.
H ave an attitude of gratitude.
I nvert any negatives thrown your way. Turn them into positives.
J ourney through life one step and one day at a time.
K eep written goals set ahead. Make specific plans to accomplish them.
L ove and forgive everybody.
M aximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
N ever, never, never give up!
O pen the door wide when opportunity knocks.
P ractice patience. Promote peace.
Q uit bad habits by replacing them with good habits.
R ead God’s Word and other profitable material every chance you get.
S hare the Gospel whenever and wherever possible.
T ake time to appreciate everything and everyone God has given to you.
U se your God given common sense.
V isualize your dreams and stretch to reach for them.
W atch, listen and pray without ceasing.
X amine your motives on a regular basis.
Y ield to the Holy Spirit when He prompts you.
Z oom in on God’s real purpose for your life.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WALKING TALL

READ: Leviticus 26:3,12-16

I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. —Leviticus 26:13

During my basic training in the Army, our drill sergeant worked hard week after week to transform us from a group of slouching civilians into a company of men who stood straight and walked tall. It was not an easy job. When he finally said, “You’re looking good!” we felt proud of who we were and how we had changed.

That experience came to mind when I read Leviticus 26:13, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright.” After 400 years of slavery and hard labor, the people of Israel were burdened and discouraged. But under Moses, God led them out of bondage and put them on the road to a new life of freedom through obedience to Him.

It’s a vivid reminder of what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. Paul wrote: “Stand fast . . . in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1).

We don’t need to be bowed down with our sin. As we embrace the freedom of righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ, we can hold our heads high and keep walking tall. —David C. McCasland

 

May I stand firm, O God of truth,
For all that pleases Thee;
Undaunted by the critic’s frown,
Let nothing hinder me.  —Bosch

 

 

LEFTOVERS

ONE IF BY LAND…

The famous Old North Church, Boston’s 285-year-old beacon of the American Revolution, has just gone high-tech with the installation of LED lights! The energy-efficient lights now illuminate ceiling vaults inside the church, whose steeple was used by Paul Revere to display two lanterns as a signal about British troop movements on April 18, 1775- the night described in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem, which included the line: “One if by land, and two if by sea.” Up until now, Old North has been dimly lit by old incandescent bulbs, which frequently burned out. The LEDs, on the other hand, are projected to last at least 25 times as longer and don’t give off as much heat as the older lights, which caused ceiling paint to peel prematurely. (AHN News) ***MARLAR: So now if we’re attacked by the British it’ll be one LED if by land, two LEDs if by sea.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

INTEREST ON A WIDOWS MITE

It is estimated that if the widow’s mite had been deposited at the “First National Bank, Jerusalem” to draw four percent interest semi-annually, the fund today would total $4,800,000,000,000,000,000,000 (okay mathematicians–go figure!) If a bank on earth could multiply the widow’s mite to such an astronomical figure, think what treasures this dedicated woman will have in heaven where “moth and rust doth not corrupt!”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HAIR TODAY

If you’re going to be a barber – you’d better not mind having a lot of hair around you. That makes sense, right? But Bill Black takes his love of hair to a new – and eerie – extreme. A few years ago, Black attempted to make the world’s largest hair ball. Which is just a little odd. Then later, Bill sold fertilizer made from human hair. A very strange idea. Now comes an even scarier idea. A cookbook full of hair-based recipes. Yes, a cookbook with recipes that include hair!  ***MARLAR: And we won’t even discuss what’s in the angel hair pasta.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU DON’T BELONG IN THE KITCHEN

  • Extra nacho cheese dip can be used to caulk the cracks in your foundation.
  • While making sure the spaghetti is done, you throw a piece against the wall, and the wall ducks.
  • Leftover milk doubles as cottage cheese.
  • The fish in the refrigerator is so old it actually begins to smell good!
  • The EPA won’t set foot in your home because they’re too nervous.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Too Good to be True

There are some deals in life that are simply too good to be true. Unfortunately, I’ve been the victim of a few. Like…a timeshare. I’ll spare you the morbid details.
The “deals” I enjoy most are the TV pitches where the add ons keep getting better and better. If you actually get to the point of determining you can’t live without a cleaning device for between your car seats, the announcer chimes in with the legendary, “But wait!” As it turns out, if you buy now, they’ll give you a second item FREE. And as you reach for the phone…“there’s STILL more!” Oh my.
This week on my talk show, we will have two days devoted to asking for donations to help families in Guatemala and Haiti. The specific request is for $50 as a one-time gift to provide a child with food for a year and clean water for a lifetime. I know, it sounds too good to be true. The ministry is Food for the Poor. (FFTP)
Having traveled with a team of folks from FFTP to Guatemala a few months back, I was able to see the programs they have implemented. I observed a number of women who have devoted their lives to restoring the health of malnourished children. I witnessed school programs where lunch is provided and smiling grade schoolers run around with energy and hope.
The hardest part of the visit was being on site where multiple families live just a few miles from Guatemala City. Getting to their remote location was a challenge in itself. Hearing (through interpreters) how these families manage to survive will soften any hardened heart.
The water problem was too much to take in. That’s because there IS NO running water. Fifty gallon drums of non potable water are filled once a week IF a truck from the city can make it to these remote locations. This water must then be boiled to use for cooking and drinking. The food crisis is equally as challenging. And so along comes Food for the Poor.
Standing in the midst of these families who live in non-climate controlled shacks with corrugated metal roofs, it’s easy to say, “I can make a difference for these people.” We live in a place on this planet where we let clean water run just to get it warm. We water lawns. We often waste clean water in ways we don’t even consider. Thus, the idea of clean water for a child for a lifetime for $50 seems like an offer too good to be true. Oh…let’s not forget this also feeds the child for a year.
The men and women in these countries who aid these very poor do not live in comfort themselves. Their daily work is only to serve. As the director of a nutritional clinic told me through her tears, “Each face I see reminds me of Jesus.”
It makes sense. Jesus said it this way: “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why: I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was homeless and you gave me a room, I was shivering and you gave me clothes, I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me.’
“Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ (Matthew 25:34-40/ The Message)
This week my assignment is to to help raise support for 200 children. It’s not a big “ask.” Feed a child for a year. Provide that child clean water for a lifetime. Just a $50 one-time gift.
But wait! There’s more! Also included is a change from hopelessness to hope. From fear to encouragement. From sickness to health. If you’re interested in helping the cause, visit 1160hope.com. You’ll find a banner to click on that says “Give Life.” Pretty simple, huh?
The face of Jesus is waiting.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

It’s okay to tell your kids it’s okay to fail… okay?

Telling your kids that it’s okay to fail will actually make them fail less. Sounds reasonable, right? There’s new research to back it up. Here’s what researchers told one group of sixth graders: “Learning is difficult and failure is common, but practice will help, just like learning how to ride a bicycle.” Other groups got no such pep talk. Guess which group performed better on memory and reading comprehension tests? Yep, the kids that got the bicycle talk.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Updated every Monday! Outlandishly irritating stories I’ve come across over the years. They may not be “new” but they certainly are entertaining – and totally outrageous!

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS

A high school student in Florida was suspended recently for passing around a petition complaining about Confederate symbols at her school.  

Krista Adams was angry about tee shirts and bumper stickers around campus with such slogans as “If I had known this, I would have picked my own cotton.”  Krista wrote a flier critical of the displays and handed it out around school. Then she passed around a petition urging that the rebel flag be banned from the campus. She got 94 people to sign it. For that, she was suspended for 10 days.  The school said it was for distributing unauthorized material on school grounds.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, you can’t be spreading free speech around – that could be dangerous!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I arrived late today for work. So you’ll have to excuse me if I make up for it by leaving early.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 15, 2015…

 

Mad Max: Fury Road—Remember the intensity of the chases in the original “Mad Max” films? I think I remolded the arm rest in the theater during “The Road Warrior.” Here they come again (move over “Furious 7”) only on the desert of a decimated landscape. Max (Tom Hardy) is trying to help a fighting Furiosa (Charlize Theron) take women to safety across the desert while the bad guys are chasing after them, chains and all. It is a desperate chase and a desperate life. You want to brush the grit from your hands. Hugh Keays-Bryne is Importan Joe, the villain. “Mad Max: Fury Road” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans of the films. Most of the stunts are supposed to be real.

 

Pitch Perfect 2—The Bellas want to win and this time it is an international music competition. Now, three years later and Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) has done something to disgrace the group. With newcomer Hailee Steinfeld in the group, Anna Kendrick, Brittany Snow and others try to work their way to the top again. The first film was a sleeper hit. ”Pitch Perfect 2″  is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for   singing fans

 

Far From The Madding Crowd (opening in select cities)—The latest adaptation of the Thomas Hardy novel about the landowner, Bathsheba (Carey Mulligan) and her three suitors, a wealthy farmer (Michael Sheen), a military man (Tom Sturridge) and a shepherd (Matthias Schoenert.) Decisions…decisions and set against the beautiful moors.  “Far From The Madding Crowd” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the novel.

 

Animals—(opening in select cities) This is a film about drug addiction and how it can creep upon you and destroy your life, relationships and anyone around it. Stars David Dastmalchian, Kim Shaw and John Heard. “Animals” is rated R. No rating.

 

MAY 22, 2015…

 

Poltergeist is a remake of the classic horror film about haunting a family. Stars Sam Rockwell.

 

Tomorrowland is a science fiction fantasy film starring George Clooney and Britt Robertson. There is a secret Utopia somewhere and how to find it?

 

Slow West is a western about trying to find people in the Old West when you are a tenderfoot. Stars Kodi Smit-McPhee and Michael Fassbender.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.